1 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:06,506 Before we move off this topic, 2 00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:08,608 can I ask if you're currently a hologram? 3 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:11,145 Yeah, yeah, h-hold on. One sec. 4 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,981 Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week. 5 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:16,516 Didn't want to waste our time. Okay, let's do it. 6 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:19,320 Therapy me. 7 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:22,522 Do you need to take that? No. Just the President. 8 00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:24,325 Maybe we should turn off the phone. 9 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,625 President of the United States. 10 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:26,961 Thought you might think that was cool. 11 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,828 You like it when people think you're cool? 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,598 You're extra analytical today. Looking to remodel your kitchen? 13 00:00:31,631 --> 00:00:34,068 Sanchez! I know you're in there! 14 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,836 When I call you directly, it's an emergency. 15 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,340 I was in therapy. Don't stigmatize mental health. 16 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,573 How rude of me. 17 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,475 Hello, I'm President Andre Curtis. 18 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:44,811 Yes, I recognize you. Oh? How nice. 19 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:48,515 It's not nice to recognize a president. Can we go? 20 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:51,718 In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated 21 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,653 the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie 22 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,555 and replaced her bones with titanium. 23 00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:57,624 She was then bit by several werewolves, 24 00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:59,893 giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon. 25 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,562 Got it. But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun, 26 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,432 who turned Nessie's bones to silver, 27 00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,233 giving her the were-version of AIDS. 28 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:08,835 She sank to the bottom, and we assumed she was dead. 29 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:12,340 But she was only asleep. Now she's awake and hungry. 30 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:14,474 You can't date my shrink. What?! 31 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,311 Bro, you're nuts. Then don't date my shrink. 32 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,512 I'm not dating your shrink! 33 00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:21,115 She probably doesn't even like me. 34 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,516 Stand down, Sanchez! Tell him to stand down! 35 00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,119 Would you let him bang your therapist? 36 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,786 I don't believe in therapy! 37 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,423 What the hell does that even mean, you don't believe in it? 38 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:31,491 He's a scientologist. Don't date my shrink! 39 00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:33,493 And don't be a space Mormon! Why not?! 40 00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:37,031 It's silly! Sorry, it's a cheap shot. 41 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:39,200 Worship how you want. 42 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:40,935 I like Tom Cruise. Thank you. 43 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,904 Therapy's working. Keep it in your pants. 44 00:02:17,038 --> 00:02:19,873 Ooh, welcome back to Mr. Stabby! 45 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,542 Let's get another question from the audience! 46 00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:23,911 Ow! Augh! 47 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,280 Why do people get tickets to his tapings? 48 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,982 It's a fame-obsessed culture. 49 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,117 Mr. President. 50 00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:32,552 I've got an emergency, Rick. Another President mission? 51 00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:34,554 Y-You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him. 52 00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:35,789 Tell that little bitch to zip it. 53 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,124 You can't talk to me like that! 54 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,658 T-Tell him he can't talk to me like that! 55 00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,227 You can't talk to Morty like that. 56 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,996 Whatever. I'll portal over. 57 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:45,665 I've seen this one anyway. The audience dies. 58 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,003 Rick, thanks for coming. 59 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,272 We've got a situation in the state of Virginia. 60 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,639 Bigfoot? That's Montana. 61 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,909 Nazis? That's, uh...everywhere. 62 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,709 That's an exaggeration, sir. 63 00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,812 Jesus, Carl, you, too? 64 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,815 The problem in Virginia is... love. 65 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,418 You've heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"? 66 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,686 Well, now they've codified it into law. 67 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,089 Virginia has declared itself 68 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:10,657 literally and exclusively for lovers. 69 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,526 Sounds boring. It gets worse. 70 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,530 There's no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints. 71 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,632 The governor just hit 100% approval rating. 72 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,668 And that's worse? 100%? 73 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,037 Get on the web, Dwayne. 74 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,139 There's no such thing as 100% of anything. 75 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:28,741 America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one. 76 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,610 But I can't do that to all of Virginia, 77 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,146 so we need to infiltrate. 78 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,115 I volunteer to do acid to prove I'm not a cop. 79 00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,616 No lone wolves. We need a crack team for this one. 80 00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:38,685 Rick, meet Fleeflak. 81 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,488 He might be able to tell the future. 82 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:41,989 Might? We're waiting to find out. 83 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,823 Onyx here is a weapons specialist, 84 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,260 and our eye in the sky is my chief of staff bot, 85 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,461 Chi-Chi. Sleek. 86 00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:49,096 Yes, an excellent team. 87 00:03:49,130 --> 00:03:51,132 Eh, but there's something missing... 88 00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:54,068 a psychology expert, perhaps. Oh, fuck me. 89 00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,635 You pretended to need a crack team 90 00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:56,870 so you could get Wong's number? 91 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,106 Get her number? I own the CIA. 92 00:03:59,140 --> 00:04:01,142 If I wanted, I could get her genome. 93 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:03,843 So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it. 94 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,879 It's a free country, so you're always saying. 95 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,714 That's certainly all I'd be willing to pay. 96 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,883 You're making me choose? You or her? 97 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,585 There's three billion women on this planet 98 00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:13,587 that have nothing to do with me. 99 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,589 Can you blame them? You suck. 100 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,790 Wait! Danger! 101 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:20,027 Wow, that's great, buddy. 102 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:23,531 It's goin' right on the fridge. 103 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,069 I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, 104 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,271 Dr. Wong. 105 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,804 Gun? No, thank you. 106 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,741 I was surprised to receive your call but excited. 107 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,876 I haven't done field work since grad school. 108 00:04:36,911 --> 00:04:38,512 We think the people of Virginia 109 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,880 have become some kind of hippy sex cult. 110 00:04:40,915 --> 00:04:43,450 I haven't done that since grad school, either. 111 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:46,719 Ho-ho! Dr. Wong, you are a firecracker! 112 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:48,556 Sir, we've reached the border. 113 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:49,924 Halt! 114 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,825 I'm so sorry, Mr. President, 115 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,861 Virginia is closed to visitors. 116 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,264 I thought it was for lovers. I'm a lover. 117 00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,798 You guys lovers? Mm-hmm. 118 00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:00,367 I appreciate that, 119 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:01,669 but the rest of your country 120 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,770 doesn't need Virginia's love right now. 121 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,473 You know, the last time a state talked that way, 122 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,309 we had to have a whole thing. 123 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,643 And? 124 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,680 And this time, the other side has nukes. 125 00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:15,182 Let them in. 126 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,651 Well done, Doctor. 127 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:18,851 Call me Helen. 128 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:28,828 As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty. 129 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,364 All goods are freely given. 130 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,565 Communist bastards. 131 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,300 And all goods are freely made. 132 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,902 Communist bastards! 133 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,736 So, what happened? Tell me the secret. 134 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:39,106 Well, if I tell you, you'll tell everyone. 135 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,808 But if I show you, you won't have to. 136 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,577 How unsettling and cryptic. 137 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,914 Oh! 138 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,583 My God! So that's it? 139 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:52,019 You're all just drunk! 140 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,655 Sir! It's some kind of body-snatching hive-mind! 141 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,724 Finally your religion comes in handy! 142 00:05:56,756 --> 00:06:00,394 No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith! 143 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,799 Pick up your phone, asshole! 144 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,169 When I call, it's an actual emergency! 145 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538 Rick? 146 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,973 Unity. 147 00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:15,075 Take it easy, take it easy. 148 00:06:15,109 --> 00:06:17,844 I can explain. Just let me get things under control. 149 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:20,014 You controlling things is the explanation. 150 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,383 And we agreed you wouldn't do it where I work. 151 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,953 What the fuck are you spraying me with? 152 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,887 A new scent I picked up after you left. 153 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,590 I call it "Separation." 154 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,824 You concocted a me repellent? 155 00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:35,129 Does that look like a bad idea? 156 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:38,798 Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia? 157 00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:40,434 We dated. 158 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,204 I just want to talk. 159 00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,674 I'm pretty sure you have trillions of cellphones. 160 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,676 No, come back! Let's talk! 161 00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,515 Thank God you had a crack team with you. 162 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,317 Where's Helen? "Helen"? 163 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,619 She initiated first name. 164 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,521 Whoa! Call in a chopper! 165 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,056 I'm being cock blocked! 166 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,724 Rick... 167 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,025 it's me. 168 00:07:05,059 --> 00:07:06,927 I was released from Unity. 169 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,828 Cool. So you won't mind if I spray this. 170 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,964 I won't, but we're surrounded 171 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,067 and Unity knows your reload time. 172 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,036 I really believe you and Unity should talk. 173 00:07:16,070 --> 00:07:18,405 How would you know? You're just a nutritionist. 174 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:21,308 When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, 175 00:07:21,342 --> 00:07:24,011 you get a certain feel. 176 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,847 Calm down. 177 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,517 We came because we're worried about you. 178 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,686 Why? We hear things, Rick. 179 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,458 I tried calling, but is it true you're looking for...him again? 180 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:40,494 You almost died last time. That's none of your business. 181 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:43,063 You're our business. You quit that business! 182 00:07:43,097 --> 00:07:44,498 And you're fired from that business! 183 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,767 And I'm using your last paycheck to cover the stapler 184 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,436 you stole which was my heart! 185 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,972 Civil War, baby! 186 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,310 Sorry! That was supposed to be suppressive! 187 00:07:58,112 --> 00:08:00,280 Aah! Aah! Rick, wait! 188 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,182 Aah! 189 00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:04,351 Thank you, Andre. Thank you, Helen. 190 00:08:04,385 --> 00:08:06,787 It's time to put these bastards on ice. 191 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,555 Cue up the dome! 192 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,290 Yes, sir! 193 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,172 Ow! 194 00:08:31,412 --> 00:08:34,181 Do you have a dome the size of every state? 195 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,684 You'll need a second date for that answer. 196 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,821 Barf. 197 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,458 A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia 198 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,560 continues to be trapped inside an energy dome. 199 00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,595 The White House released a statement dismissing 200 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:52,366 the President's shouts of "Civil War, baby," as hyperbole. 201 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,034 Shonda, what do we make of that? 202 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,869 More like Hyper Bully, Tom. 203 00:08:55,904 --> 00:08:57,771 Oh, shit. Shonda came to play. 204 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,072 This President has been in office 205 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,008 for how many alien invasions? 206 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,576 Not to mention the mutant turkeys, 207 00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:04,745 the abandoned White House orbiting our planet, 208 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,313 the eco-conscious dinosaurs. 209 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,315 Then he sees Virginia with its perfect economy 210 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,017 and synchronized lawn mowing, 211 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,486 so he shoots them and puts them in a dome? 212 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:15,155 Classic Curtis. Will someone mute the goddamn news? 213 00:09:15,189 --> 00:09:17,624 If I want a list of my failures, I'd dig up my mother. 214 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:20,260 I'm -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm sorry, that's a turnoff, right? 215 00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:22,663 Guy screaming about his mother in a war room? 216 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,598 Sanchez! America hates your dome! 217 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:27,000 How long is it going to be up? Hope you marked that. 218 00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,036 It was his dome in the chopper, now it's mine. 219 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,572 It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down, 220 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,608 because one of us here knows how to set boundaries. 221 00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:38,011 Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate. 222 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,680 When I was invited, I didn't know -- 223 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,248 That he was hitting on you? 224 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,884 I was aware of potential romantic motivations. 225 00:09:43,918 --> 00:09:45,752 And I was open to them. Bam. 226 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,322 But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths. 227 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,023 You mean you didn't care 228 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,625 because, on one hand, you got professional ethics 229 00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,760 and, in the other hand, you got world-famous schlong. 230 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,729 Now I get to beat you. Bring it. 231 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,297 Alien vessel approaching Earth! 232 00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:58,967 It's hailing us! Put it through. 233 00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,969 I don't work for you. You couldn't. You suck. 234 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,536 I'll do it. 235 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,905 Mr. President. 236 00:10:03,938 --> 00:10:05,706 Lady, you bring that ship to America's planet, 237 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,441 I'm launching 4,000 warheads, 238 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,476 3,000 of which will turn out to work. 239 00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:12,179 Then I'll call China, and you're really fucked. 240 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,714 Let's listen to Unity. 241 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,382 Are you still here? Are you? 242 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,117 If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it. 243 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,552 Oh, bullshit. Gimme a break. 244 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,187 You cut eight million pieces of me off. 245 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,755 It hurt. Boo-hoo. 246 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,557 You've made it clear we can't be friends, Rick, 247 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,425 but I need to reconnect those people 248 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,127 so I can properly release them. 249 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,930 They're hosting a mindless collective. 250 00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:32,099 If it connects to another mind, it could become its own colony. 251 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,667 Wow, you made a PowerPoint? 252 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:36,270 I needed you to understand how serious this is. 253 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,405 I can handle it. We got the spray, bitch! 254 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,140 Don't talk to them like that. 255 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,042 Rick, do you not trust Unity? 256 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,410 Shut up. Apologize. 257 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,212 Eat me. Do you not trust me, Rick? 258 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,347 Who would?! Let Rick answer. 259 00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:48,950 Baby, I know you want to help, but -- 260 00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:51,285 Andre, I think we need to move slower. 261 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,921 Slower? I haven't even touched you, 262 00:10:52,954 --> 00:10:54,221 and you're already back seat war rooming. 263 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,924 Andre. Helen. Rick? 264 00:10:55,957 --> 00:10:57,190 I don't trust you. 265 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,059 You ghosted me to focus on your work. 266 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,894 Your work is absorbing the universe. 267 00:11:00,929 --> 00:11:02,763 But it's my universe. Please go. 268 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,232 We'll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone. 269 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,935 I'm sorry you lost a finger, 270 00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:08,937 but that's the price of surprise butt play. 271 00:11:08,970 --> 00:11:11,338 Goodbye. Goodbye. 272 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,106 Alien vessel is departing. 273 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,442 Good job, people. I'll run the aerosol cannon 274 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,244 from the chopper. We need the optics. 275 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:18,845 Send out a press release. 276 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,315 "President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets." 277 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,683 Write it better than that. 278 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,919 You riding shotgun, or you staying butt hurt? 279 00:11:24,953 --> 00:11:27,421 Suck my dick and lose my number. You too. 280 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:30,857 If you invite me to the wedding, I will shit in the punch. 281 00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,963 He'll be back. What would you like for dinner? 282 00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:37,065 I'm not interested in taking this further. 283 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:39,199 What? Why? That's insane. 284 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,301 How can you be a therapist and insane? 285 00:11:41,335 --> 00:11:44,304 Since you're asking for feedback, my sincere advice 286 00:11:44,338 --> 00:11:47,075 is that you overcome your need for approval. 287 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,010 Okay, you want to play it that way? 288 00:11:49,043 --> 00:11:51,478 There's an exit tunnel by the ladies' room. 289 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:55,215 It gets lots of use! And not just by sex workers! 290 00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:58,685 Can you at least tell security I did the dumping? 291 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,557 Uh... you okay? 292 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,658 Yes. 293 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,860 The news said Virginia was a hive-mind. 294 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,562 Yes. Was it -- 295 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,631 Yes! Oh, my God, dude, whatever. 296 00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:13,034 When's the last time you saw your therapist? Today! 297 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,635 Well, then she sucks! No shit! 298 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,938 Stop yelling at me! I need boundaries! 299 00:12:16,971 --> 00:12:19,239 Well, here's a big one, fuck face! 300 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,944 Sorry. 301 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,282 Arriving at the dome, sir. 302 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,985 Good! I don't need anybody! 303 00:12:31,019 --> 00:12:32,987 What? What? I said good! 304 00:12:33,021 --> 00:12:34,554 Tell me when we're there! We are! 305 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:37,524 Roger that! Just gonna see how we're looking! 306 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,693 And there's Helicopter One with the aforementioned gas, 307 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:42,262 and you can actually see President Curtis inside, 308 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,865 checking his phone to see if this will make people like him. 309 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:47,601 There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes 310 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,504 no amount of spectacle is going to undo his last debacle. 311 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,407 Shonda? Ohh, not Shonda. She hates me. 312 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,275 It's true, Tom. I mean, yes, 313 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,177 President Curtis is going to release Virginia 314 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,379 from yet another alien threat, 315 00:12:59,413 --> 00:13:01,415 but when they are free to speak their minds, 316 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,883 does he really think they're going to say, 317 00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:04,184 "Wow, what a President"? 318 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,485 Deactivating dome, sir! 319 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:07,088 The fact is, nothing short of literally 320 00:13:07,121 --> 00:13:09,157 a 100% percent approval rating 321 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,892 is gonna save Curtis in the next election. 322 00:13:11,926 --> 00:13:14,761 Let her rip, sir! 323 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:19,232 100% approval. 324 00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:21,903 Whoopsie! I- I-I'll be right back! Sir? 325 00:13:21,936 --> 00:13:23,303 I just gotta get the thing. 326 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,806 Wha? Huh? How is that going to work? 327 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:32,212 Give it to me. Give me that hive! 328 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:37,250 Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it. 329 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,725 Holy... 330 00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:47,861 Shit! 331 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,565 Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives, 332 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,633 who appear to walking, quite eagerly, 333 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,802 and now running, in perfect unison, toward them. 334 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,905 Such a beautiful scene -- everyone kissing. 335 00:13:57,939 --> 00:14:01,042 And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else. 336 00:14:01,075 --> 00:14:02,977 Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses. 337 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,612 The wave of affection is headed in all directions. 338 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,182 Hello, sir. The President has saved us. 339 00:14:08,216 --> 00:14:09,816 He's the best president. 340 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,685 The best man, really, ever. His mother was wrong. 341 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,621 Uh-oh. Did somebody close the lady tunnel? 342 00:14:20,094 --> 00:14:22,029 Hey, Rick, w-w-was Unity -- 343 00:14:22,063 --> 00:14:23,965 She's gone, and I don't care! 344 00:14:23,998 --> 00:14:26,600 I think she's back. Hmm? 345 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:29,103 Someone order cranky dick? 346 00:14:29,137 --> 00:14:30,570 I said I was sorry. No, you didn't. 347 00:14:30,604 --> 00:14:32,339 I said it quietly. Shut up. 348 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,474 Now, Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran 349 00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:36,944 in all directions and puked on everyone in the country? 350 00:14:36,978 --> 00:14:40,514 It's simple, News Man. They puke in love of the president. 351 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,283 We approve of the president. Everyone does. 352 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,519 Sorry, Governor, but you're making me 353 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,320 bring Shonda into this. Thanks, Tom. 354 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,589 Governor, I can assure you that no matter 355 00:14:49,623 --> 00:14:51,591 how you personally may feel -- 356 00:14:53,027 --> 00:14:55,930 Good president. President good, good, good. 357 00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:59,399 Are you okay? Uh, Josh just vomited into your mou-- 358 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,003 Oh! Ha! I get it now! 359 00:15:02,036 --> 00:15:03,403 Wow! What a president! 360 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,472 Approval here! President approved! 361 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,474 I thought Unity promised to never do this. 362 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,944 That's not Unity. You kids stay inside and lock up. 363 00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:11,311 Dad's still out shopping. 364 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,346 Then stay inside, lock up, and plug your ears. 365 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,750 Where are you going? Therapy. 366 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,585 Thank God. 367 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:26,928 Huh? 368 00:15:26,961 --> 00:15:28,428 Aah! 369 00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,799 Aah! 370 00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:37,171 You're rehired. 371 00:15:37,205 --> 00:15:39,073 Is -- Is that Unity? It's your boyfriend. 372 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,209 He must have linked with the severed hive-mind. 373 00:15:41,242 --> 00:15:42,475 He's going to assimilate the Earth 374 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,045 faster than I can fight it. 375 00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:45,246 And you want me to talk to him? 376 00:15:45,279 --> 00:15:46,479 There's no talking to him. 377 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,149 No human mind can keep itself together 378 00:15:48,182 --> 00:15:49,649 while controlling millions of people. 379 00:15:49,683 --> 00:15:51,685 So where are we going? I need Unity's help. 380 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,222 So you need to convince her I'm worth it. 381 00:15:54,255 --> 00:15:56,423 You aren't. So lie. 382 00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,594 Inbound vessel detected. 383 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,964 Tell him to turn around. Tell me in person. 384 00:16:02,997 --> 00:16:04,898 I'm already here. Goddamn it! But your ship was just -- 385 00:16:04,932 --> 00:16:06,867 You have your gimmicks, I have mine. 386 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,036 This is my therapist. She can vouch for me. 387 00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:10,737 We met. She was me for a second. 388 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,406 What do you want, Rick? Look, it's clear you weren't lying 389 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,942 when you said you could've taken over Earth 390 00:16:14,976 --> 00:16:17,078 because your finger just took over America. 391 00:16:17,111 --> 00:16:18,445 I need you to help me fix that. 392 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,480 Oh, it took that to make you believe me? 393 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,882 Why should I believe you? 394 00:16:21,916 --> 00:16:24,252 You show up unannounced and hijack a state. 395 00:16:24,285 --> 00:16:26,954 I called you! Multiple times! 396 00:16:26,988 --> 00:16:28,356 You ghosted me! 397 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:29,756 Rick, is that true? 398 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,691 She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls? 399 00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:33,727 Alright, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin 400 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,231 in couple's therapy here, but, Rick, I think you're wrong. 401 00:16:37,265 --> 00:16:38,933 Bringing you was a mistake. 402 00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,768 You had an outer-space lady who was worried for your life, 403 00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:45,306 and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem. 404 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:46,773 Thank you. 405 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:49,409 Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? 406 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,913 Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here 407 00:16:51,946 --> 00:16:55,316 is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, 408 00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:58,019 because he's changing very slowly. 409 00:16:58,052 --> 00:17:00,321 But he is. 410 00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:02,189 Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby? 411 00:17:02,223 --> 00:17:05,825 Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated? 412 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:09,663 Alright. So you're asking for an invasion? 413 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,668 Hold 'em back! They love me, they just forgot! 414 00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:51,339 They just forgot! They just forgot! 415 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,843 No! Stop! You love me! 416 00:17:56,876 --> 00:18:00,613 W-Why are you stopping? I've won you over? 417 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,453 Oh, good! You're here! 418 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,554 Unity, kept them warm for you. 419 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,323 They went a little crazy, but, uh... 420 00:18:09,357 --> 00:18:11,658 Anyway, seems like this is all over. 421 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,461 Helen, we could grab some coffee. 422 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,895 Wait, Unity, what are you doing? 423 00:18:15,930 --> 00:18:18,598 Alright, Rick, that's everyone. 424 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,267 Nice job, Une. 425 00:18:20,301 --> 00:18:23,204 Well, this has been quite a session. 426 00:18:23,237 --> 00:18:25,473 Hope you do group discounts. 427 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,908 Actually, just send the bill to the White House. 428 00:18:27,942 --> 00:18:31,045 I wouldn't be doing this for anyone else, Rick. 429 00:18:31,078 --> 00:18:33,280 Yeah, it was nice to team up again. 430 00:18:33,314 --> 00:18:35,782 No, I mean I wouldn't be doing it. 431 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,618 I've never released hundreds of millions of people before. 432 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,788 This is gonna suck. 433 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:20,827 Here, it's over. Nice job, Une. 434 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,730 I'm fine. You want a painkiller? 435 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,633 I, uh, I'm on a few of them right now. 436 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,002 No, thank you. 437 00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,438 I mean, you can hang out if you want, 438 00:19:30,471 --> 00:19:33,140 come see the kids, 439 00:19:33,174 --> 00:19:34,808 I trust you now. 440 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,412 That's nice, but I don't trust you. 441 00:19:38,446 --> 00:19:40,747 Fair enough. 442 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,701 Hey, Rick, it's Unity. 443 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,238 Uh, give me a call, okay? 444 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,672 Hey, Rick. Unity. 445 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,208 Look, cards on the table, 446 00:20:07,241 --> 00:20:09,110 I heard you were going after that guy again. 447 00:20:09,143 --> 00:20:11,445 Just made me worried. Give me a call. 448 00:20:11,479 --> 00:20:14,248 Look, I get it, I dumped you. You're ignoring me. 449 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:18,085 But I care about you, and I-I just wanna know you're alright. 450 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:21,788 Hey, Rick, listen, I'm just gonna stop by Virginia, okay? 451 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,790 I don't know what state you live in, 452 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,593 but I'll camp out there and try to reach you. 453 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,194 Hope you're okay. 454 00:20:27,228 --> 00:20:29,263 Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here. 455 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:31,265 Heard you were saying some really great things 456 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:32,665 about Scientology. 457 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,135 If you ever wanna meet Travolta -- 458 00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:35,635 End playback! 459 00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:42,376 You, uh, really went all in on that approval, huh? 460 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,578 Yeah. 461 00:20:44,612 --> 00:20:47,314 Shonda's gonna eat me alive. 462 00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:48,715 Eh, fuck 'em. 463 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,252 Thanks, Rick. 464 00:20:51,285 --> 00:20:54,922 Don't take this the wrong way, but. uh... 465 00:20:54,955 --> 00:20:58,459 I think I might need therapy. 466 00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:36,729 And we're back with Mr. Stabby. 467 00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:39,899 What do you say to people who say, "I don't want to get stabbed. 468 00:21:39,934 --> 00:21:43,070 I want to go a show. I have a right to not get stabbed"? 469 00:21:43,103 --> 00:21:45,673 Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs. 470 00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:47,341 But I wasn't born with those. 471 00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:49,577 And I don't think that means I should be boxed out 472 00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:51,478 of an industry where, let's face it, 473 00:21:51,512 --> 00:21:53,547 there's zero representation of people 474 00:21:53,581 --> 00:21:55,249 with swords for arms and legs. 475 00:21:55,282 --> 00:21:57,850 But do you have to take questions from the audience? 476 00:21:57,884 --> 00:22:00,621 People come to my show because they want the experience. 477 00:22:00,654 --> 00:22:02,623 If they didn't want it, they'd stop coming. 478 00:22:02,656 --> 00:22:07,695 Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees. 479 00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:11,198 Well, you're talking about it. 480 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,168 Did you get any of that?