Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, steak and eggs, Brad Sherwood.
Fish and chips, Jeff Davis.
Bread and butter, Colin Mochrie.
And mac and cheese, it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up.
[Applause]
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
The show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
We do not have our beloved Wayne Brady here tonight,
but it is going to be a killer show nonetheless.
And we're going to get started right now,
with a game entitled "Scenes from a Hat."
This is for all four of our performers,
so, come on down.
Ryan and Colin are over there. Brad and Jeff are over here.
Now, before the show, we asked our audience
to write down some ideas for scenes
they'd like to see acted out by our gentlemen performers.
and I have those suggestions in this very masculine hat.
I'm going to read them out, and we're going to see
what our performers can come up with.
So, gentlemen, if you're ready,
"If Dr. Seuss delivered bad news."
-I know you're feeling in a haze,
but please enjoy your last three days.
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Your parents are dead. They died in a car.
They got eaten by a scrabbledy-nibbledy-nar.
[ Laughter ]
They got eaten by a flappity-flippledy-dip.
They fell off a cliff in a poopledy-pip.
They're bones are all crushed. They're down in the mush.
They're down in a spliggetly-splaggetly-sploosh.
They bled in the floor. They bled in the air.
They bled in the flippeldy-gibbeldy-gare.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Applause ]
-I can't -- I was enjoying it.
That's so fun.
"Times when a slap to the face really doesn't help."
-Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
-I do.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's my insurance, my license.
[ Laughter ]
Oh.
You don't have the guts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Applause ]
-Honey, I don't want you to worry.
This happens to a lot of guys.
It's really quite normal.
Pull it together, man.
-Hey, it worked!
[ Laughter ]
Hit me again.
Oh, my God.
[ Applause ]
-"Weird things to read on a warning sign or label."
-It says "Slap before opening."
[ Applause ]
-"Do not take."
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"May cause loose stool, diarrhea, or the [bleep]."
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"For an erection that lasts more than four hours,
take pictures and measure against..."
[ Laughter ]
"...and measure against your shoe."
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-"Unlikely subjects for a love song."
-♪ Imagine me and you, and my dad, and my friends ♪
[ Buzzer ]
-Against your shoe?
I thought you were going to say measure against your friends.
-To get a good visual on it,
I think measuring it against your shoe
would give you a good idea of its total length.
-But shoes are different sizes.
-I know, but against my shoe, I would look at it, and go,
"That's a pretty big [bleep]."
[ Laughter ]
-We're going to play a game now that's called "Secret."
This game is for Ryan and Colin,
so come this way, gentlemen.
The way this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are going to improvise a scene in which one of them
has a secret in the form of a prop
which they'll discover at some point as they go through
the scene, at their leisure, at their discretion.
The scene is, Ryan, you're Noah.
Colin, you're his wife.
That's all I have for you. Do what you can.
-Ugh.
-It's starting to rain. You better hurry.
-I got to cut more wood.
I've only got the front of the boat done.
-Well, that's not going to take all the animals.
-Remember, I said two of each.
-Yeah. One of each?
-Yeah.
-Hey, I just thought of something.
We're the only human couple.
-Well... -I got a lot of work to do.
-No, you don't, because you're not coming.
-Well, good time to find out. -Well, there's...
there's no room for you.
-Oh, well, why don't we just -- we don't need all this luggage.
-Well, no, I packed it for you. I thought might want to --
-"Noah's Fried Animals."
Well, you got some 'splaining to do.
-Wow, that's quite an odor, isn't it?
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Mm, rhino ribs. You'd love rhino ribs.
-This is outrageous. -I'm sorry.
I'm not a good builder. I'm not --
-I don't care about the building.
You slaughtered half of the Earth's species.
-It's not slaughtering them. I'm not wasting them.
We have to eat them now,
before God knows I've slaughtered the animals.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, if we eat them now, he'll never know.
-He's sleeping right now. -How do you know?
How do you know he's sleeping?
-Because I can talk to God. I'm Noah.
Oh, what, God?
He doesn't like you very much.
He said he wants you to eat all that food.
Why don't you start now?
God, that's an aroma.
-You sure you don't want any?
-I'll have one, just to test them.
Oh, no.
Mmm, crisp.
[ Audience screams ]
Hurry. Hurry.
You've only got 500 more to go.
Ooh, there's milk.
[ Buzzer ]
-God, that stinks. That is horrible.
-Ugh! -Smell that.
Did you smell that? -Yes.
I can smell it.
[ Applause ]
-Smell that.
-No, no, I don't want to smell it.
Oh, come on.
-Smell it. Maybe the crowd wants some.
-It smells like freshmen year of college.
-You guys want some chips?
Open that up.
Take some.
Yeah, there you go.
[ Applause ]
-He literally did, like, the "Whose Line" equivalent of
"Everybody Smell My Finger."
That's what he just did.
And you were like, "Okay. What does it smell like?"
All of you.
-Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.
Eat it.
[ Audience joining in chant ]
-Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no, no.
[ Cheering ]
-Very proud of you.
Very proud of you.
-Get him to sign something, quick.
-Swallow it. Swallow it. Swallow it.
-Like I said, freshmen year of college.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, everybody, stick around.
There's more "Whose Line" for you right after this.
Do not move.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We're going to keep things moving, now, with a game called
"Kick It."
This is a game for Colin and Brad,
so come on down.
[ Applause ]
The way this game works is that Brad and Colin
are going to start a scene,
but whenever one of them says the words "kick it,"
the other will have to rap until the other person says "word."
We won't focus on the fact that, um...
-What?
-Both of you are White.
Now, from --
[ Laughter ]
Now, from the audience, I'm going to need an example
of an exciting outdoor activity.
What's an exciting outdoor activity?
[ Audience shouting ideas ]
Alright. How about ski jumping?
-How about it? -Ski jumping.
Whenever you're ready, gentlemen,
you're going to do some rapping about ski jumping.
Take it away.
-Well, it's time for us to get ready
for the two-man long ski jump.
-I've never been so excited in my life.
-Yes, harness that adrenaline.
-Kick it.
[ Music begins ]
-♪ Well, what you got to do is harness that adrenaline ♪
♪ It's hard to do when you're White rapping, no melanin ♪
♪ What you got to do is eat all night ♪
♪ You got to keep on rappin', even though you're White ♪
♪ And then, you got to do, you got to have the blues ♪
♪ You got to put your skis in stack like a luge ♪
♪ Then, you're goin' up, and then you just jump ♪
♪ It's kind of like doing the alpine hump ♪
-Word.
[Applause]
-It's just that simple.
-I'm so happy that we're doing this together.
We're going to make history.
I hope it goes better than the uphill luge.
-Kick it.
[ Music begins ]
-♪ Well, we had some trouble on uphill luge ♪
♪ Because we had too much booze ♪
♪ We went up the hill against gravity ♪
♪ That doesn't happen well, you see ♪
♪ And we got to the top of the mountain, there ♪
♪ And then, it got cold, and out fell my hair ♪
♪ It ran down the side of the mountain ♪
♪ Just running like an out of fountain ♪
♪ Look at me, look what I'm doing ♪
♪ I'm just pretending I am screwing ♪
-Word.
[ Applause ]
-I'm sorry.
-I don't -- I don't want you to throw out your core.
-No, I -- it's just, when I get nervous, I --
I do mime copulation.
-Yes.
It's common in ski jumping.
It's called autoerotic air humping.
-Kick it.
[ Music begins ]
-♪ It's called autoerotic air humping ♪
♪ It happens to a lot of people when they are jumping ♪
♪ It's crazy. It really is something ♪
♪ It's better than [bleep] your pants and dumping ♪
♪ Telling you, it will make you beg ♪
♪ I had one ski jumper who humped my leg ♪
♪ He was so nervous it made me cry ♪
♪ But now, I want you to give it a try ♪
♪ It really is easy ♪
♪ It's not too hard ♪
♪ And at the bottom will be a Saint Bernard ♪
♪ Well, I see this has really been fun ♪
♪ But now, you see, my rap is already done ♪
♪ So, you could just now help me out ♪
♪ With saying something that you could shout ♪
♪ Just say it once, and you'll help me ♪
♪ W-O-R and D ♪
♪ You see, then, I could be set free ♪
♪ And then, we could down the mountain and ski ♪
♪ But no, you're gonna hang me out to dry ♪
♪ You gonna make me rap until I die ♪
♪ Well, that's okay, I... ♪
♪ And make me rap until I'm out of breath ♪
-Word.
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Applause ]
-Thank you.
-Well, that was adorable.
[ Laughter ]
And if you ever wondered what your college professor
looked like rapping, now you know.
-Yes.
-We're starring in a new film, "Straight Out of Brentwood."
[ Laughter ]
-My friends, it's time to play a game called "Props."
This is for all four of our performers, in two pairs.
Ryan and Jeff, this is for you.
-That's us? -Yeah.
And, uh...yeah.
Brad, Colin, do what you can.
Okay, so, here's how this is going to go.
Each of our teams have a different set of props.
They've got to use them in as many interesting ways
as they possibly can.
So, whenever you guys are ready, Ryan and Jeff, take it away.
-Go get my shoe. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-That's pretty good.
-Ricola.
[ Laughter ]
-The bathroom's right over there.
-No.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Buzzer ]
-Quick, here comes the Queen.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Okay, Mrs. Robinson, push.
Push, Mrs. Robinson. Push.
Push!
[ Buzzer ]
-Push. Push.
Damn these polar bears.
[ Buzzer ]
-Hey, Big Bird.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-If you have any idea, please send to CW,
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We'll take the top 100 answers,
and then, do this later on.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-My last quarter.
[ Sound effect of lever pulling ]
[ Sound effect of coins dropping ]
[ Laughter ]
I'm rich.
[ Buzzer ]
-Gee, Fred, where are we going?
-Yabba-dabba-doo.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Applause ]
-Alright. Join me after the break
for more hilarity from our "Whose Line" team
right after these messages.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Where everything is made up, and the points don't matter.
And now, we're going to play a game entitled "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of our performers,
with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
Come this way.
The way this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are two television voiceover performers
talking about the very latest compilation album.
And Brad and Jeff are going to sing snippets
of the songs on that album.
So, what I need is a suggestion
from the audience, here, of a popular American sport.
What is a popular American sport?
[ Audience shouting ideas ]
Lots of great ideas, but I'm going to go with football.
Great American sport of football.
So, the name of this album is "Songs of Football."
Football songs. Take it away.
-Well, our documentary on premature [bleep]
ended a little faster than we expected.
But that gives us more time to sell this wonderful CD.
-Ha ha ha ha.
-Well...one of Am--
-[Bleep]
-One of America's favorite sports is, of course, football.
-Oh, love it. -And there are millions
of songs celebrating that very sport.
-Uh-huh.
You know, I love my B-52's.
-Oh, I know.
-Not just the group, but as a bomber, as well.
And you know, when I think B-52's,
and I think fitball -- football -- or feetball -
feetball? -Yes, that makes more sense.
-It does make sense. -You use more than one foot.
-Yes. You can't run with one foot.
-Yeah.
-I'm going on "Shark Tank."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, I hope it's an actual shark tank.
-You know, when I think The B-52's,
and I think about football,
I think of the one that was on the top of the charts [mumbles].
I turned into a duck, there.
Did you see? -You did.
-That B-52 hit, "Concussion Protocol."
[ Music begins ]
♪♪
-♪ Well, I went out on the field yesterday ♪
♪ And I saw the referee start to say ♪
♪ That you got bumped on the head ♪
♪ Now, you're gonna be dead ♪
♪ Oh, my gosh ♪
♪ What do they call it? ♪
♪ Concussion protocol ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪
-♪ Concussion pro-pro-protocol ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪
-♪ Well, I walked on the field, I was feeling tall ♪
♪ But then, I bumped my head ♪
♪ Concussion protocol ♪
♪ I saw big things there ♪
♪ They were like giant clams ♪
♪ But they were big, blue, and yellow ♪
♪ They were L.A. Rams ♪
♪ They had moved to a town from long ago ♪
♪ And I said, "It's time to do the show" ♪
♪ And then, someone came up to me, and said ♪
♪ "Hey, Brad, I think you really bumped your head." ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪ -♪ Protocol ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪
-♪ Follow my finger ♪
-♪ I can't see your finger ♪
-♪ You need a concussion protocol ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪
♪ Concussion ♪
-♪ Concussion protocol ♪
[ Applause ]
-Well... -Was that shorter?
[ Applause ]
-You know what I love about this particular album is --
-Chocolate?
-No, this album. -Oh, I'm sorry.
-It doesn't come with chocolate.
But it does come with -- -It should.
[ Laughter ]
It's the only way I'd buy, like, Eminem,
is if they had, like, a chocolate cake in there.
-Yeah.
-Or, like, artists I don't really care for.
-Maybe you could put it in your shoe, and take a picture of it.
-Oh, that'd be great.
[ Applause ]
That'd be great. -Yeah.
One of the great things about this album
are the amazing duos on it.
-Duos? You mean two people.
-Wow, you've been studying.
And one of the most unusual duos,
I'm talking, of course,
Bob Dylan and Christopher Walken.
-What? -Yeah.
-On one album? -On one album, on one song.
-Song? Song?
-Song.
So, sit back, and just listen to this -- "My Balls Deflated."
[ Music begins ]
-♪ Well, I know that I am aggravated ♪
♪ 'Cause I found my balls deflated ♪
♪ I was painful situated ♪
Feeling all and, oh, outdated.
♪ Though I kept my eyes appealed ♪
♪ I knew I would never yield ♪
♪ Going down the gridiron field ♪
♪ That's when I fell on my shield ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Ooooh ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Ooooh ♪
-♪ I'm down ♪
♪ I'm sad ♪
♪ My balls are flat ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ I can't throw a ball if there's no air inside ♪
♪ Hey, mister ball inflater guy ♪
♪ I wish you died ♪
-♪ Well, he's down and sad ♪
♪ His balls are flat ♪
♪ Mister ball deflater, what about that? ♪
♪ Fill up his balls, and that would be out of a rut ♪
-♪ Scooby-dooby-doo ♪
-♪ But you can't fill your balls ♪
♪ Going down the hallowed halls ♪
-♪ Sha-la-la ♪
-♪ You don't fill the balls, a patriot ♪
-♪ Sha-nonny-nonny-hey ♪
-♪ They don't ♪
-♪ Sha-nonny-nonny-no ♪ -♪ Fill the balls at all ♪
-♪ Hey, guy who's supposed to inflate my balls ♪
♪ I'm going to kill your family ♪
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Okay, everybody.
Find out who won our show after this short break.
There's more "Whose Line" coming at you right after this.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's the end of our show.
Oh, tonight, our winners are Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood.
-Ooh, in your face.
-So, I'd like you to read off the credits
as if you are tellers in a bank
that's being held up by inept criminals, Ryan and Jeff.
What's going to happen?
Thanks for watching, everybody. Goodnight.
-This gun is heavy. Would you hold my bullets?
-Put the money in the bag.
-Hold my bullets.
-Do it. Do what he says.
-What do you want?
-Put the money in -- Put the money in the bag.
-You better call Geraldine Dowd.
Sarah McHarry is really going to be mad
at Chris Young, and Deena Katz, and Aisha Tyler,
and Ryan Stiles, and Colin Mochrie,
Brad Sherwood, Linda Taylor, Laura Hall, Neil Sidwell,
and Simon Miles, and Simon Wright,
and Marc Baker, and Alison Sideris.
This is all going to, absolutely, Hector Ramirez,
Michael Scott, James Stevens.
Oh, my goodness.
-Taxi. -Taxi.
-- Captions by VITAC --