-Good
-Good evening,
-Good evening, everybody,
-Good and welcome tobody, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show -- slam dunk Wayne Brady,
home run Nyima Funk,
hole in one Colin Mochrie,
and muffed punt Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up.
-- Captions by VITAC --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody, welcome!
Welcome to the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game we call "Let's Make A Date."
This is for all four of our performers,
so if you guys could come on down.
Now, Nyima is appearing on a dating kind of show,
and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan
are the contestants hoping to be picked by her,
but they're not the kind of people you would ever expect
or want to go on a date with.
Each of them has been given a very strange characteristic
or identity, and Nyima's going to question them
about their suitability for a date
and, in the process, try to establish who they are.
So, if you're all ready, Nyima, go make a date.
-Bachelor Number One, I love movies.
What movie would describe your life and why?
-Well, I believe it's very simple.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe, I don't know, maybe "Magic Mike"
or, depending on whom you ask, "The Longest Yard."
-Okay. -Ahh, ha, ha.
-Wow!
-I would love to take you out
and make you feel like a real woman should,
all with the power of this.
It's like Teflon. Squash! Look at that!
Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ah!
Perfection, mm.
-Whew! That lucky chair.
Bachelor Number Two,
a lot of animal species have mating calls.
What would your mating call be?
-Ooh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep!
Well, I guess I'd just say, "Come and get it!
Come and get it,"
but I don't have time for that sort of thing,
because I've got work to do.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, it looks like this one's been tapped dry.
[ Laughter ]
The mother lode!
I better get my mule.
Yee-ha-ha-ha! Ooh, ha-ha-ha-ha!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Okay. Bachelor Number Three,
I really like guys that are adventurous.
What is the most adventurous thing you've ever done?
-The most adventurous.
A trip through the jungle to worship the almighty one,
the god among us,
the almighty being,
the almighty one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Humming "Conga" beat ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Audience clapping rhythmically ]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ahh, ohhhh.
Ahhhh.
-It's so nice that you brought your family with you.
[ Laughter ]
-Nobody wants what I've got to give.
It used to be, back in the day, that I pulled down these pants
and these chocolate hemispheres would open
and the sun would shine.
And sunlight would shoot right out of my ass
and bask the entire room in the glow,
and I would strip off and put on the oil,
and then they'd start playing the song
and I'd whip this and that..
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, oh!
-But nobody wants that.
Nobody wants that anymore.
-Colin, Colin, Colin, ha! Colin, Colin, Colin, ha!
Colin, Colin, Colin, ha!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I sacrifice myself for you, my master.
Aaaaaah!
-[ Laughing ]
-I was gonna pick him.
-Nyima, do you even dare to hazard a guess
at who these gentleman callers are?
-Well, I think that Bachelor Number One
is maybe an aging Ugandan stripper?
[ Laughter ]
-Yes, I will give that to you. [ Buzzer ]
You can have that one, yes.
Yes, not quite, but so much more interesting, yes.
-Man, I never thought of the strip club
as being regional and --
-Colin, I thought that maybe you were one of those
looking for gold, you know, one of those gold miner guys.
-Yes!
-And you thought that gold was hidden in people's booty cracks?
-Yes! [ Buzzer ]
-Yes? -Yes.
-Now, I thought that
Ryan was some sort of a tribal sacrifice guy
who thought that Colin was his master.
-Wonderfully done! [ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. I'm gonna go this way.
-So, 1,000 points to Ryan for clever use of strangers...
[ Laughter ]
...and $1 to Wayne for your underpants for later.
-Yeah.
-For your sensational booty popping.
-Thank you. -Yes. Now we're going
to play a game called "Sound Effects."
This is a game for Ryan and Colin so,
guys, come on down.
We also need a volunteer,
two volunteers from the audience,
so I'm going to go and see who wants to volunteer.
Hi, how about you? Tell me your name.
-Elizabeth. -Elizabeth, you didn't volunteer
but I volunteered you. Come on!
Oh, oh, I'm coming for you. Tell me your name.
-Peggy. -Peggy. Come with me, Peggy.
This is going to be great.
Peggy and Elizabeth, right?
-Watch yourself. -Elizabeth?
-Okay. Here, that's for you. That's for you.
Okay, here is how this game works, okay?
Ryan and Colin are going to perform a scene
and, Elizabeth and Peggy, you're going to provide
the sound effects for the scene, but only when prompted.
So, watch the action and kind of leap in
when it seems like sounds should be made.
Elizabeth, you're going to do them for Colin.
Peggy, you're going to do them for Ryan.
And your scene is that Ryan and Colin, you're lumberjacks
and you're building a log cabin in a forest
teeming with wildlife.
And, as night falls, a radio report
tells of a dangerous escaped convict on the loose.
Take it away.
-Well, we've got a lot of wood to clear.
-A whole forest, my friend. -Yeah, we just got to start.
I'm going to use the old chainsaw.
-[ Imitates chainsaw ]
-It's self-starting, which is great.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! -It saves a lot -- What?
-You can't cut down that tree, there's a spotted owl up there.
-[ Hoots ]
-Oh, my God, you're right.
We should take that out before --
-Let's take it out. -No, no, not that way.
-Lucky it's not loaded. -Yes.
-That was close. -Hey, I got a rope.
I'll lasso it. -Alright.
-[ Whooshing ]
[ Laughter ] -It didn't get up there.
It didn't get up there. -Oh.
Oh, I know, I got my old mating owl.
-Your mating owl call? -Mating owl call.
-[ Cuckoos ]
-Hey, it's dinnertime. -Oh!
-I didn't know until I heard your mating owl call.
-Hey, I'm just going to turn on the radio,
see if there's anything on there.
-Escaped convict on the loose! -What?
-I got the gist. -That's a very simple --
They know their news, but the don't elaborate at all, do they?
-No. It's the two-word news station.
-Alright. Escaped convict?
-He could be around here anywhere.
-I suppose we'd better light a fire.
it's getting dark.
-Fssh.
Chh.
Pbbb.
-You alright? -I've just urinated on myself.
So sorry about that. Now the wood's wet.
-I know. Listen! -What?
-I think I hear something rustling.
-[ Imitates rustling ]
-Hard to say.
-I'm gonna get on the megaphone and tell the convict,
if he's out there, to beware of us.
-Hello!
-Whoa, hey, watch it, watch it. No, wait, wait.
Don't be that threatening.
-What? I'm starting off friendly.
-Alright, good.
Maybe when he's laughing, we can capture him.
I have the tranquilizer gun that I was using on all the animals.
-And the bear? Remember, you put out the bear with it.
Okay, I'll play the bugle. -Okay.
-A bugle's like a trumpet. -Yeah, I know.
-[ Imitates bugle ]
-Here he comes! He looks really mad!
-Shoot him!
-Tsss.
-It's a water gun! -A water gun.
-It's a water gun!
-It looks so real. -It's not going to do anything.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I'll fashion a bow and arrow out of this tree.
-Alright, hurry up!
-Look how quickly and silently I do it.
[ Laughter ]
-Sproing!
-What is wrong with you? [ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-Thank you, guys.
Give it up one more time, Peggy and Elizabeth.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't go away. We'll be right back
with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points matter none.
And now we're going to play a game called "Song Style."
In this game, Wayne's going to be making up a song,
assisted by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
So come on down, Wayne.
To inspire him, we're going to introduce
our star guest to you.
Please welcome Maggie Q!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
Hi, gorgeous! -Hi, beautiful!
Okay, so Wayne, you're going to be singing a song
all about Maggie... -Thank you.
-...who is the star of this show
that's all about a badass assassin.
So the style you're going to be singing it in
is Broadway musical, and I thought that it would be
nice to have some people behind you to help you out.
So, Ryan, Colin, and Nyima,
come on down and join Wayne as backup dancers.
And what's going to happen?
As soon as you guys are ready.
[ Laughter ]
-Where's my hat? -You don't get no hat.
♪♪
-♪ There's a girl I know, I know, you see ♪
♪ It's Maggie ♪
♪ Pretty and dressed in black, you see ♪
♪ It's Maggie ♪
♪ I feel a certain way about you ♪
♪ Because it's not Maggie A, B, C, blah-blah-blah-blah, it's Q ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ The first time I meet ya ♪
♪ It's as Nikita ♪
♪ Sneaking around ♪
♪ What the heck? ♪
♪ Kicking balls, chopping, and breaking a neck ♪
♪ Oh, she's the type of girl ♪
♪ That makes me a believer ♪
♪ And best of all, I'm a brother who's a lover ♪
♪ I've got Maggie fever ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪ Oh, I'm a brother who's a lover ♪
♪ Oh, fever ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That was awesome!
-Ladies and gentlemen, Maggie Q.
-See you soon. -Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mm, we'll discuss that later.
[ Laughter ] Alright.
Now we're going to play a game called "Foreign Movie."
This is for all of our performers, so come on down.
Wayne and Nyima are going to act out a film,
and they're going to be speaking in a foreign language.
And as they're speaking in that foreign language,
Ryan is going to supply the translation for Nyima,
and, Colin, you're going to provide the translation
for Wayne, okay?
And the language that you're going to be speaking in
is Italian.
So, what we need from the audience is to make up
the title of an Italian film, an exciting Italian film.
What would you call it?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
"That's a Spicy Meatball," huh?
That's what I think you said, so that's what we're going with.
-I said, "Bella Meatball." -"Bella Meatball," okay.
The name of this movie we present to you now
is the Italian film classic, "Bella Meatball."
-[ Imitates can spraying ]
[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-I've got a beautiful meatball jewel.
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-This will go so well with your limp pasta.
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-I used to have a full purse, but then some guys took it.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-Too bad.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-Now that we finally have all the money we need,
we can be married and live the lovely life
that we hope we could have, perhaps have children one day,
perhaps enough for a college scholarship for all of them
so they can grow up and be doctors or maybe lawyers
or whatever they want to be that'll be happy.
Oh, it'll be so much fun. I love you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
[ Vocalizes ]
-Pardon?
[ Laughter ]
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-Oh, the police! My suspender snapped.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Bella, bella.
-Good, good.
-[ Speaking fake Italian ] Vroom!
-This bra will support my breasts.
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-Come through here. We'll escape.
Up these stairs.
-[ Imitates breeze ]
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, salmonella, Tetrazzini,
tryptophan.
-Oh, salmonella, Tetrazzini, tryptophan.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Speaking fake Italian ]
-I just want to tell you how much I feel about you,
through interpretative dance.
[ Laughter ]
-Cara mia.
-Carry me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-You're gonna hurt this woman.
-She's very strong.
-Do not go away. We're going to be right back
with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
Next up is a game called "Scenes From A Hat,"
which is for all four performers.
So come on down.
Ryan and Colin, you're over there.
Wayne and Nyima, you're over here.
Before the show, we asked the audience to write down scenes
that they would like to see acted out
by our brilliant performers up here,
and I've got the suggestions in this hat.
I'm going to read them out.
We're going to see how many you guys can act out, alright?
Are you ready? -Mm-hmm.
-"If 'Sesame Street' characters appeared on other shows."
-[ As Elmo] Okay, Lieutenant,
I see it looks like we have a dead body.
[ Giggles ]
-I think you right.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ As Ernie ] Hey, Dr. Phil.
Bert and I, we --
we can't live in the same house anymore.
-[ As Bert ] The problem is that he doesn't like my pigeons.
-[ As Dr. Phil ] It's time to smell the roses
and eat a picnic.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I'm Oscar the Grouch.
-I'm Snuffleupagus.
-I'm Rosa.
-And I'm still Dr. Phil.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Weird things for your minister to say during your wedding.
-Amen. And I wish you both the happiest.
I'm kidding. Y'all, it's not going to work.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Whispers ] I'm not really a minister.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may all kiss the bride. Come on!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Uh...
I'm sorry, I have oversized testicles.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Tattoos that you don't want to discover
on a new partner's body.
-"Open at other end."
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Let me just unbutton this shirt that starts on your pants.
Why is there a-a tattoo of your own face?
[ Laughter ]
-This is my ass. -What the?
Oh, my God, your breath.
[ Buzzer ]
-Ad slogans for trailer parks.
-Leave it anywhere.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Bring your cousin-wife and your double-wide.
[ Laughter ] [ Buzzer ]
-Hey, do you like tornadoes?
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
-Don't go away. We'll be right back with more
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" right after this.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
where the winner of tonight's show
is all four of you lovely people,
and as a reward, I'd like you to join our very special quest
Maggie Q and read the credits out as students
being taught martial arts moves by instructor Maggie.
-Ooh! -Thanks for watching.
Good night!
-We need to protect ourselves.
You need to show us some moves so we can beat up Dan Patterson.
-Jimmy Mulville likes to touch me. Make me a fighter.
-What's this called? Anything?
-Isn't that a Geraldine Dowd?
-I think Geraldine is -- will teach you.
-I thought you had some special moves.
-Is there a crane move?
Do you know how to do the crane move?
-Show me how to punch. -Well, there's a Sidwell.
There's a Neil Sidwell.
-A Sidwell? That sounds like a dangerous maneuver.
-It is. -How does it go?
-It's straight up. -Oh, oh.
-And it's down.
[ Cheers and applause ]