-Good
-Good evening
-Good evening everybody
-Goodand welcome tobody "Who's Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show --
blowing kisses, Wayne Brady,
pucker up, Jonathan Mangum,
give me a smooch, Colin Mochrie,
and, ew, tongue -- it's Ryan Stiles.
And I am Aisha Tyler. Let's make some stuff up!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, oh, oh!
Welcome, my friends, to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points do not matter at all.
We have a sensational show for you tonight,
and we are gonna get started with a game right now
that is entitled, "Let's Make a Date."
This is for all of our performers,
so come on down.
Jonathan is appearing on a dating show.
Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are the contestants who are praying
he will pick them and end their lives of lonely isolation.
Each of them's been given
a specific characteristic or identity,
and what Jonathan's gonna do is question them
about their suitability for a date,
and in the process, try to figure out
what the heck is going on.
So, if you are all ready,
Jonathan, whenever you are ready,
go make yourself a date.
-[ Scandinavian Accent ] Hello, bachelors, my name is Hilda.
I am 45 and from the Europes.
Bachelor number one, my father always said to me,
"Don't run with the scissor."
What is some advice you can give that your father gave to you?
[ Laughter ]
-[ Cuban accent ] My father always told me, he said that,
"Don't -- don't let nobody take advantage of you, no."
Reeeeow!
[ Laughter ]
"'Cause if somebody's got to be the boss,
you got to be the boss."
Rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr, rowr.
[ Mimics gunshot ]
Shut uuuuuuup!
I'm talkin' to him!
Now, go on. I got to lick myself.
[ Laughter ]
-I have never been so turned on and scared in my whole life
at the same time.
Bachelor number two,
what is a book you would write for me to show that you love me?
-Hmm.
[ Laughter ]
[ Squawking ]
-[ Screeches ]
-[ Squawks ]
Polly want a crack ho! Polly want a crack ho!
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Blows raspberry ]
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, bachelor.
No longer am I turned on.
Bachelor number Ryan, tell me --
I like to go on long walks on the beach.
What places would you take me to walks and all?
-Oh, the walk, I don't do much walking anymore.
I just like around the trailer and take care of the kids.
I got one here tonight. My daughter's with me tonight.
Oh, yeah, my daughter Chelsea came down to see the show.
Right. Oh, she's got her father's looks.
She's a looker, all right.
This is my daughter right here. That's right.
And her boyf-- she's got a new boyfriend?
[ Laughter ]
Hey, baby, how are you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, I didn't say to touch me.
Touch me up here if you're gonna touch.
Not on my tummy. Not on my stomach.
What the hell are you doing?!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, God! Oh, God, no.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, yeah, papi.
Vieni qui. Vieni qui.
-[ Squawks ]
-Maybe you don't speak, uh, gato, eh?
Huh?
But I'll tell you one more thing, okay?
If you take-a my catnip again, papi,
I will claw your eyes out.
Who runs Miami? Who runs Miami?!
Do you no speak?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, that's right. I got your tongue.
[ Laughter and cheering ]
[ Mimic engine revving and tires screeching ]
-Damn. My water broke.
[ Laughter ]
Agh.
[ Laughter ]
You're looking at the ass. Turn it around.
-Oh, yes.
I wondered why it looked so much like you.
[ Audience oohs ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Would you like to take a guess?
-Wayne was a Cuban cat. -Yes.
-A Scarface gato. -Yes!
[ Buzzer ]
-You were a perverted, horny chicken bird.
[ Laughter ]
-Almost all of that was right. What kind of bird talks?
-A parrot! A perverted parrot. [ Buzzer ]
-"A talkative bird." -Sorry.
-And Ryan was?
-Ryan was playing himself in a year and a half?
[ Laughter ]
-Well, so he was giving birth, so that would make him a...?
-He was a bad mother.
-[ Laughs ] Shut your mouth.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Points to everybody for delightful, delightful work
in every way,
and points to that guy
for the therapy he's gonna need for later.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-All right, next up is a game entitled "News Flash."
This is for all four of you, so come on down.
Ryan, Wayne, and Jonathan are gonna be
three news anchors in the studio.
Colin's gonna be in the field as a reporter
covering a breaking news story.
He's not gonna know what the news story is
because he's standing in front of a blank screen
like you're a weather man on your local news.
But by the magic of television, Ryan, Wayne, Jonathan,
and all the rest of us will see that news story projected
on our televisions screens, and the challenge for Colin
is figuring out what the heck is going on.
So whenever you guys are ready,
over to Ryan, Wayne, and Jonathan in the studio.
-Oh, special bulletin. We have a special report.
We go out to our reported in the field, Colin Mochrie.
Colin, can you hear us?
-I can hear you!
Can you hear me over the roar of what is happening behind me?
[ Laughter ]
-Colin, how can you stand being there right now?
-Well, I'm part of...this.
[ Laughter ]
I'm a journalist, and it is my duty
to report on what is going on.
-I would suggest you don't leave any pizza lying around.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you feel like, with this story,
you're running around in a maze?
-No.
I feel pretty grounded. I have been here for five hours,
making sure I catch everything that goes this way.
-Well, it looks like you're plagued with news stories there.
-I am. -Oh!
-Oh, no! Did you see that?
[ Laughter ]
-Oh!
-Colin, do you find a story like this beneath you
and somewhat cheesy?
-I absolutely do.
[ Laughter ]
-It's true that, uh...
[ Audience gasps ]
-Hey, you stop that!
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, no! Oh, babies. Oh.
[ Buzzer ]
-Colin, would you like to guess what this is?
-I would say its various rats.
-Yeah!
[ Buzzer ]
Well done.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, hey, don't move.
We're gonna take a short break.
We'll be back with more "Whose Line"
right after these messages!
Stick around.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And we're gonna keep things rolling now
with a game entitled "Dubbing."
This is a game for Wayne, Ryan, and Colin,
so come on down.
In this game, we're also gonna involve our star guest,
so please welcome the lovely Kearran Giovanni!
Kearran Giovanni!
Kearran Giovanni, yay!
-What? What? Really? Hi!
-All right, the way that this works is that Ryan and Colin
are gonna act out a scene with Kearran,
but she won't actually use her own voice.
Your lines are gonna be provided by Wayne,
and you're just gonna move your lips when he talks
and try to make sense of whatever madness
he is engaged in.
And your scene is that police sergeant Ryan
is putting rookie Kearran through her paces
at police college, when suddenly Colin enters
to prove that he's the best recruit.
Enjoy.
-Okay, well, you shot the guy putting up the target.
[ Laughter ]
-I meant to.
Because he made fun of the fact
that my lips don't match my speech.
If you knew the rough streets where I'm from --
-I know! And I knew your Dad.
He was one of the best cops I ever worked with.
-And I'm here to avenge him.
I'm here to avenge-ennn-maaa!
-He's -- he's not dead.
He just got fired last week.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, Tamara, still trying out for the Academy, I see.
-Hello, Jocelyn. -Hello.
I've beaten you in every exercise
they've thrown at us, Tamara.
-Not every exercise.
-What are you talking about, Stiff?
-It's -- its Steve.
-I'm sorry. Steve. I'm part dyslexic.
-Sergeant Stiff Steve,
I would l-- I would love to know what the challenge is.
-Well, neither one of you have gone through
your driving test yet.
-All right.
-I'll go get your cars. Why don't you two chit-chat?
-Can you still do 20 push-ups?
Done. -One, two...
You cheated! -No, I just went so fast
you couldn't see it.
-I can't wait to kick your ass at driving.
I'll show you!
-Sorry.
[ Laughter ]
-I don't feel good about my car. -Yours is a Mini.
She takes -- don't kick his car.
-Yeah, come on.
[ Laughter ]
-Al right, I'll get in.
-You ready?
[ Mimics starting pistol shot ]
-[ Mimic engine revving and tires screeching ]
I win!
-No.
-I used the police principle of if I backtrack,
that's really winning in reverse.
-You're both damn good cops,
and I want you both to stand up
and sing the Los Angeles Police Department song.
[ Laughter ]
Why don't you start, Jocelyn?
-Sergeant Stiff Steve? -Yes?
-Not only am I gonna sing along with him,
but I'll also dance.
-Oh, let me park your cars somewhere else.
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Los Angeles Police Department ♪
-[ Laughs ]
-♪ Home of the guys with guns ♪
♪ We shoot, we shoot we shoot ♪
-Oh, my! Oh, geez! -Ohhhhhh!
-Come on! Come on, Jocelyn! [ Buzzer ]
Come on, Jocelyn!
[ Buzzer ] Good grief.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yes!
-You lose.
-Kearran Giovanni, everybody! Kearran Giovanni!
That was awesome!
Kearran Giovanni!
-Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Did you --
-I saw, I saw.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Clearly, of all the points available for that game,
in the last few seconds there, Kearran won them all.
-And she's so tall that it practically stretched
from one edge to the -- it was crazy.
-It was really impressive. -I know!
[ Laughter ]
-All right, next up, my friends, is a game entitled -- ooh --
"Scenes from a Hat."
This is for all of my performers,
so come on down.
Ryan and Colin are there. Wayne and Jonathan are here.
Before the show, we asked our audience to write down scenes
they wanted to see acted out by our gentleman performers.
I have got those ideas in this hat,
and if you're ready, gentlemen, here we go.
Things that you wouldn't see or hear on a cooking show.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Accent ] You stir it for approximately 30 minutes,
and look, let's sample the wares, shall we?
[ Normal voice ] Oh, my -- that's -- oh my God.
What the [bleep]?
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-All right, well, we start off by taking two eggs.
[ Laughter ]
Bawk!
[ Laughter ]
Bawk!
[ Laughter ]
-And now that the pie is mixed,
we'll put it in the oven for two hours.
And we will wait.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-If famous movie scenes were performed by very old people.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Craggy voice ] I see dead people.
Wait. That's the mirror.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-♪ Dun-dun, dun-dun ♪
[ Groans ]
[ Mimics water sloshing ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Inappropriate songs for a wedding band to sing.
-Throw your hands up, throw your hands up!
♪ Throw your hands up if you haven't slept with the bride! ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
-♪ One guess...who's gay ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Pick-up lines at the auto-repair shop.
-Well, your problem is you got too much junk in the trunk.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-My, uh, car's gonna be here a couple hours.
You, uh, wanna [bleep] my [bleep]?
-Oh, God! [ Buzzer ]
Sit down! Sit down, Ryan! No!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't move! There's more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?
right after these messages!
Stick around!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
where everything's made up, the points don't matter,
and we're gonna play a game now entitled "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of our performers
with the help of the sensational Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar, so come on down.
And the way that this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are two television voice-over hosts
talking about the latest compilation album.
So what I needs is a suggestion from the audience.
I need a type of person who might rescue you.
Who's a type of person that might come and save you?
Okay, all right, lots of really good suggestions.
A lot of people were yelling out
people that would save you in the water,
so what if we go for, like, a sailor
or, like, um, Coast Guard kind of a sailor guy
that would come save you if you were drowning?
-Coast Guard sailor guy. -Sailor guy.
-A sailor guy. A sailor guy. -[ Laughs ]
-Have we got a CD selection for you today --
songs all about the guys on the water
who save people, like the sailor guys,
like people on the water.
-The Coast Guard.
-People on Coast Guard sailor guys.
-We could go on like this forever.
-Oh-ho! 84 songs on 84 CDs
all about the sailor guy -- the guys who save you,
the Coast Guard guys on the water,
sailor guys. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
You tell it, bro.
-You know, I love my Russian folk.
-Oh, I know. -They're great people.
-Oh, they -- well, yeah. They're so fast.
-Yeah, and, you know, when I think Russian folk,
and I think songs all about the people
who save people on the water like a sailor guy,
like a Coast Guard sailor guy...
-[ Laughing ] Oh, no!
-...I think of that hit song, "Man Overboard."
[ Music playing ]
-[ Russian accent ] ♪ I told Yuri ♪
♪ Don't stand so close to the rail of boat ♪
♪ Yuri drinking, throwing back, throwing back ♪
♪ Too much vodka down his throat ♪
-[ Russian accent ] ♪ He went over the side ♪
♪ And then the vodka went, he said "Phooey!" ♪
-Hey!
♪ He always falls over the edge of the boat ♪
♪ 'Cause he is always chasing buoys ♪
-♪ Because he's a man overboard ♪
♪ He's all man overboard ♪
♪ If you're not religious before ♪
♪ Now you praying for the Lord ♪
♪ When you go tipsy-tipsy, oh, my God, overboard ♪
-Oh, hey!
♪ He has reached the end ♪
♪ Poisoning nitrogen, he's got the bends ♪
-Hey, hey!
-♪ It's more than he can afford ♪
♪ Because the man went overboard ♪
-♪ He's overboooooard ♪
Yeah! -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, uh, we're kind of close.
You're like my bro, my main man. You're my bro.
-What are you doing? You've changed.
-No, I haven't.
-You seem like you have. You're talking different.
-No, because I'm talking about bro.
We're like a bro.
I know your favorite song style is country.
-I do love country, bro.
-I'm talking about -- no, bro country.
-Oh, bro country?
-Well, you're going to enjoy this.
If you've never heard bro country --
-I never heard of it at all. -You're about to hear it now,
so sit back and listen to,
"She's Taking Water."
[ Music playing ]
♪♪
-[ Twangy ] ♪ Hey, yeaaaaah, ooh ♪
♪ About a quarter to six she was out on the lake one day ♪
-[ Twangy ] ♪ One day-ay-ay ♪
-♪ And there was a little wave ♪
♪ That the motion of the ocean would sway ♪
-♪ Swaay-ay-ay ♪
-♪ She said that she wanted my love ♪
♪ I accidentally gave her a shove and now ♪
♪ And now she's taking water ♪ -♪ Water ♪
♪ I got in my truck just the other, the other day ♪
-♪ Just the o-o-other ♪
-♪ Went to the Coast Guard sailor man, he's not gay ♪
-♪ Oh, no, no ♪
-♪ I introduced him to my son and my daughter ♪
-♪ Daughter, daughter, daughter ♪
-♪ He tri-i-ied to slip her the tongue ♪
♪ Then I pushed that... in the water ♪
-♪ He's taking on wate-e-er ♪
♪ Taking on wate-e-er ♪
♪ He's taking on wate-e-er ♪
♪ Because the bottom is where he laid ♪
♪ He ain't no mermaid, it's wateeeeer ♪
-Ting, ting!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, found out who won our show right after this short break.
There's more "Whose Line" right after this.
Stick around.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's our show, and tonight's winner is
the lovely and talented Mr, Colin Mochrie,
so I'd like you to join our star guest,
Kearran Giovanni, and read out the credits
as if you are two cops frisking the others.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
-Ah, these guys seem kind of, uh, dangerous.
You all right with the frisking? -Yeah, I'm cool.
-All right, frisk this. He seems like he has nothing on him.
Just... -Yeah? Take this?
-All right, feeling good.
[ Laughter ]
You got -- you got him right there?
All right. You know what? Your technique's a little rough.
Here, practice on me.
Just -- yeah, right down there.
That's it. All right, now you've got --
yeah, you got it, you got it. Oh!
-I killed three people, and I stole money.
-- Captions by VITAC --
[ Cheers and applause ]