-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, pulling out the stops,
Wayne Brady,
pulling a fast one, Keegan-Michael Key,
pulling teeth, Colin Mochrie,
and pulling down his pants, Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, everybody, welcome.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter.
So, let's get started with a game we call
"Scenes From a Hat,"
which is all four of our performers.
All right. Ryan and Colin there.
Wayne and Keegan here.
Before the show, we asked the audience to write down scenes
they'd like to see acted out by our performers.
I've got the suggestions here in this hat.
I'm going to read them out, and we're going to see
how many of these you guys can act out.
All right.
"Strange Things to Hear From Your Waiter."
-Today's special is food.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-I wouldn't eat that with you -- poison.
[ Buzzer ]
-With a party of one or more, there's a 30 percent gratuity.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-"Strange Things to Shout Out During Sex."
-For parties of one or more, there's a 30 percent gratuity.
[ Buzzer ]
-There it is!
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Exhales ] Tag!
-Houston, we got a problem!
[ Buzzer ]
-Is this your card?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Go Seahawks!
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, that feels sufficient!
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-"If Fairy Tale Characters Appeared on 'Jerry Springer.'"
-Yeah, she can keep the kids.
Nothing about her is real!
She told me, "Come to the tower, I'll let down my hair!"
I yanked on it, came off in my hand.
It was a weave! [ Buzzer ]
-Nah, I'm serious, man.
Seems we should call the NSA or whoever needs
to get him out of here because he's stealing children,
and then my brother wanted to say something, too.
What's going on, man?
Here, listen, I'm living under this bridge.
I got these three goats up here acting fools,
and another thing is,
I'm one of them fairy tales don't nobody remember anymore.
[ Buzzer ]
-The daddy name is Georgie Porgie.
He kissed me, and I cried.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody remember that or the damn goats.
[ Buzzer ]
Nobody remember me.
Read a book!
America has lost its innocence.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Ugh.
"Pick-Up Lines That Won't Work on Aisha."
[ Audience oohs ]
[ Aisha laughs ]
-Hey, girl, I would love to read to you
from my book of obscure fairy tales.
[ Buzzer ] "Jack Sprat."
-So, you like lepers?
[ Buzzer ]
-And I'd be thinking of you the whole time we was making love.
I mean, your -- your voice and then the body
of the cartoon from "Archer."
[ Buzzer ]
-"Strange Things to See or Hear in a Children's TV Show."
-This is a book.
"Rumpelstiltskin."
[ Buzzer ] Listen and learn!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Once upon a time! [ Buzzer ]
-If you send in $10,
I will send you a stone
that I have personally passed.
[ Buzzer ]
-You know what?
The whole bunch of you here are acting like a bunch
of little babies and children!
[High-pitched voice] And I've had it!
Grow up! [ Buzzer ]
-Hey, kids, it's Willy, the dysfunctional penis.
[ Buzzer ]
-Haaah!
No!
[ Buzzer ]
I cannot decide who to give points to
because you're all so devastatingly
and moderately handsome, so points to all of you.
And, also, I would like to
commend you all on your restraint.
A minimum number of [bleep] jokes in that bit,
so good for you.
-Show's not over.
-Now we're going to play a game called "Sideways Scene."
This is for Wayne, Colin, and Keegan,
and it takes place in a special area behind the set.
So, guys, head that way, and while they're doing that,
I'm going to tell you how this game works.
The three guys are going to perform a scene,
but the difference is that they're going to be doing it
lying down on our magic mat, and then we're going to relay
the pictures to the audience here and at home on the screen,
and I may throw out some different genres
as they go along for them to act in.
The scenario, as they get prepared, is that Colin
and Keegan are a bickering pair of tired and hungry explorers
in the jungle trying to set up camp.
Suddenly, a very angry Tarzan -- Wayne...
-Eee!
[ Laughter ]
-...swings in from the trees.
Take it away, boys.
-I don't like the way you've set up the camp.
-Well, no, I just finished the hammock.
What is the problem?
-I don't think we can work like this!
Listen...
-Don't you walk away from me!
-I'll walk away -- -And then come back to me!
-Listen, we've got to work together,
and it's just not working out.
-Okay, well, let's try to find some kindling
and then build a fire.
Here, there's some rags and stuff down here.
-Okay. I'm just going to do my daily exercises.
-Okay.
You know what? -What?
-To stop the boredom, I might walk on the slack rope.
Hup!
Hup, ho, ah! [ Audience cheers ]
-Oh, you're just so impressive, aren't you?
-Whoa, whoa, hey!
-I don't know about you, but I am starving.
-Oh, me, too.
Oh, wait a minute!
There's some coconuts up there!
-I'll help you.
-Oh, God, there's a spider!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
-Oh, thanks. Aah!
Oh, ohh! Ohhhh!
-Oh, my God!
-Tarzan come help.
I help you with spider.
Hup!
[ Laughter ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts loudly ]
-That was amazing!
Thank you, Tarzan.
[ Buzzer ]
-You guys are in a science-fiction movie.
[ Imitating robot whirring ]
-Oh! -Oh, no.
Our T-A-R-Z-A-N unit is going insane!
Here, let me undo his panel.
Hope he doesn't turn around and attack me.
-Oh! -Defensive protocol.
-What the -- Ohhh!
[ Buzzer ]
-Now you're in a -- Now....
[ Buzzer ] -Aaaaaah!
Whoaaaah!
[ Buzzer ]
-Now you're in a "Street Fighter" video game.
-Hadouken!
-Pshew! -Oh!
Aah!
Doh-seek!
-Aaaah!
-Houston, we got a problem!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-100 points to each of you,
and I suggest you go to use it for some kind of painkiller
or anti-inflammatory
because that looked physically very, very painful.
-Never slide on a floor with your testicles facing it.
[ Laughter ]
Rule of thumb.
-Last time I did that, it turned out just fine.
-Okay.
-Ah.
-[ Laughs ]
I don't actually -- They're not on my body.
I keep them in my pocket for...
-[ Keegan laughs ]
-Do not go away!
We'll be right back with much more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this!
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
where everything is made up and the points don't matter,
and now it's time to play a game called
"Stand, Sit, Bend."
This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne.
come on down.
In this game, one player must always be standing,
one player must always be sitting,
and one player must always be bending over.
Please assume those positions now, gentlemen,
like you haven't heard that before.
[ Laughter, cheering ]
Whenever someone --
Whenever someone changes their position,
the other has to take that person's place,
so one of you must always be in one of
these positions right here.
The scene is that panicking mother Colin
has called in a priest, Ryan, to exorcise her daughter,
Wayne, who she believes to be possessed.
And off you go.
-[ Gargling ]
-She's been like this for hours!
-That's the one you're talking about, then?
-Oh! I'm scared.
-I didn't know what other daughters you had.
-Oh, just this one.
-Mommy, help me!
-Oh, I want to, dear!
-No, don't touch her!
-All right. -Don't touch her.
-I'll just stay right here.
-It hurts so much! -Oh, I know.
-It hurts so much.
-How long has she been like this?
-Well, uh, it's been like three hours.
-Three hours? -Yes.
-That's too long.
-She vomited all over the wall.
-Bleh!
-I'm going to have to paint. -Ah!
Bleh!
Ah!
-Wait, don't change anything.
I'm going to have to look this up in my exorcism book.
I haven't used it in a long time.
-Please, my daughter is obviously weird.
-I'm going to exorcise her.
-All right.
-I've got some holy water.
-Aah! Please!
-Oh, my God! -Do something, do something!
-Aah!
[ Hisses ]
-Oh, my God!
It's worse than I thought!
-Ugh!
-You must be able to do something!
-What?
-Somebody do something!
-Oh, phew! Wait.
-Oh!
-I feel better! -Better?
I've done my job. -Oh, good!
-Hallelujah! -Yes!
-Hallelujah. -Yes!
-Yay, me!
-I'm just staying here for a while.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I love that game.
I love that game.
I have no idea what's happening.
It's confusing.
-Welcome.
-At some point, you guys are hugging,
and then it looks slightly sexual,
so I get 1,000 points for enjoying it so much.
-Oh. -Yeah.
-Good for you. -Yeah!
I'm a big fan of you guys.
[ Laughter ]
All right, now we're going to play a game called
"Irish Drinking Song."
This is for all of you, gentlemen.
All of you, come here,
accompanied by the beautiful, talented Laura Hall
on the piano.
Before you guys make up your song,
I need a reason from the audience,
a suggestion of a reason to celebrate.
[ Shouting suggestions ]
-Oh, yes! Thank you.
You know what?
You said -- She said, "Promotion."
That's what we're going to do, but I heard "deep emotion."
Ooh, subtle and think-y!
All right, promotion is what we're going to do.
You are going to sing the Irish drinking song
entitled "Promotion."
Take it away.
♪♪
-♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ Today I walked into my boss ♪
-♪ I told him about the new job ♪
-♪ He said he was real happy ♪
-♪ The man called me a knob ♪
-♪ He said, "Do you have what it takes?" ♪
-♪ I said, "I definitely do!" ♪
-♪ Then he gave me a big, fat raise ♪
-♪ And then I had a poo ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ I saw my brand-new office ♪
-♪ I saw my brand-new view ♪
-♪ The whole wall was windows ♪
-♪ I made more money than you ♪
-♪ And then I rub it in your face ♪
-♪ My secretary's a girl ♪
-♪ I play golf every day ♪
-♪ And now I rule the world ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ My workload is amazing ♪
-♪ I take many days off ♪
-♪ I delegate where I see fit ♪
-♪ And then I can always scoff ♪
-♪ I walk around the office ♪
-♪ And gaze upon my wealth ♪
-♪ My head held high ♪
-♪ I'm the only one with health -- insurance ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ I've invested in the market ♪
-♪ I've invested so well ♪
-♪ I always make the money ♪
-♪ Oh, what the hell? ♪
-♪ But I lost my entire fortune ♪
-♪ And now I'm at the bottom ♪
-♪ So what do I do today or tomorrow ♪
-♪ [Bleep] ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Diiii ♪
-Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Stay with us.
There will be much more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this!
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And it's time to play a game called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for Ryan, Colin, and Wayne with the help
of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
Guys, come on down.
Now, Ryan and Colin are two TV voiceover artists
talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne is going to sing snippets of those songs.
What I need from the audience here
is a type of vacation that one might take.
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Spring break!
That's a great suggestion.
Spring break.
So the name of this album is called
"Songs of Spring Break."
Boys, take it away.
-We'll be right back to our documentary
about a man who makes lingerie for the dearly departed...
[ Audience oohs ]
..."Brassiere to Eternity," in just a second.
-"Brassiere to Eternity." Please.
-But first, have we got something for you.
-How many months have we got till March?
-What? It's just right around the corner.
-I need a break!
-Do you? -I need a spring break.
-Oh, and what will you do on a spring break?
-I don't know.
Hey, Colin. -Yeah?
-What comes to mind when I say, "Cigars and Bay of Pigs"?
-Oh, honeymoon.
-Really?
I was actually thinking Cuba -- the far-off country of Cuba.
-Oh.
-You know, when I think Cuban music
and I think about spring break, I think of that song that was on
the top of the Cuban charts for over a week straight,
that Cuban spring-break hit --
"I Can't Stop Throwing Up."
-Ah!
[ Latin music plays ]
-[Cuban accent] Okay.
This song is for you.
Hello!
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Oh, I don't drink too much last night ♪
♪ Oh, when I'm feeling that feeling ♪
♪ And I'm hoping that I'm feeling it right ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ I am laying cold on my back ♪
♪ With a little Jaegermeister and a quart of yak ♪
♪ Yak, a-yak, yak ♪
♪ Oh, when the sun comes up ♪
♪ I can't stop throwing up ♪
♪ Because I get my [Gags] on the floor ♪
[ Imitating record scratching ]
Bleh!
[ Imitating bongo drums ]
Bleh!
♪ Ah, na-na-na-na, ay ♪
♪ Because I cannot ♪
♪ I cannot stop throwing up ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Gracias, gracias.
-You all right? -I just -- I can't...
I can't hear people throwing up.
It makes me want to throw up.
-Oh.
-It's like scary movies, you know?
You don't look right at the movie, you look off to the side.
I did that with the birth of my child.
I didn't look right at her, just off to the...
"It's beautiful!"
That kind of thing.
-Too much information.
I know you're a big lover of ska.
-Oh, I love ska.
-That's why I said it.
Ska is a s-song...
It's not a song. It's a style.
-A slong?
Ska is a schlong?
-No, but it plays a song to my heart.
-You said ska is a schlong.
-No, I said a ding-ding stradong.
It's a -- Ska is a type of music.
Well, you'll hear. I can explain all day, but why?
Let's just listen to this, because here is a ska hit.
Want to know the title?
Well, we all do.
Here it is.
It's about spring break.
You're going to hear it right now.
This is not stalling in any way.
[ Buzzer ] This is the --
All right.
-Shall I just tell them? -Go ahead.
-It's called "Who Did You Sleep with Last Night?"
[ Ska music plays ]
♪♪
-♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ I do not just want to know exactly ♪
♪ Who did you sleep with last night ♪
♪ Because I came from the club and I can assume ♪
♪ Because I was looking at you ♪
♪ When I tap, tap, tap, tap, tap at your door ♪
♪ There was a sock on the lock ♪
♪ And I should have known knock, knock ♪
♪ That I couldn't come in anymore ♪
♪ I heard boom, bitty, bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ Booty, bang, bang, bang Booty, bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ Booty, bang, bang, bitty, bing, bong ♪
♪ Bing, bing, bing, dong, dong ♪
♪ And I was click, click, click, click, click, click, click ♪
♪ Open the di, di, di ♪
♪ And I opened up ♪
♪ Oh, my goodness, schlo-dong-dong ♪
♪ Oh, who did you sleep with late last night? ♪
♪ Oh, please just tell me 'cause I know it wasn't right ♪
♪ Because I know I look at that ♪
♪ Oh, no, I look at that ♪
♪ I know I look at that ♪
♪ You dropped off, oh, my mom, mom, mom ♪
♪ Who did you sleep with last night? ♪
♪ Is that my mom, mom, mom? ♪
♪ Who did you sleep with last night? ♪
♪ Was that my mom, mom, mom? ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ You broke the code ♪
♪ Who did you sleep with last night? ♪
♪ Because it ain't right to schlong-dong-dong my mom ♪
♪ It ain't right ♪
[ Buzzer ]
-Find out who's won the show tonight
right after these messages,
Don't go anywhere.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's the end of our show, and tonight's winners
are Wayne Brady and Keegan-Michael Key,
and I'd like you guys to read out the credits
as pro wrestlers trash-talking
the camera, who you believe is your opponent.
Thanks for watching, good night! -You know what?
The best tag team in the world, Mark Leveson and Dan Patterson.
Don't think we're not coming for Jimmy Mulville today!
We're going to snap his head off!
-That is what we are going to do, brother!
Jed Leventhall, we met last week on the cage,
and tonight you're going to get it
just like Aisha Tyler got it last week!
-We're going to get Aisha Tyler.
-I'm going to take my Sidwell
and give you some of that Sprague, baby!
-Oh, yeah! -Whoo!
-Laura Elwood and Alison McGregor...
-Whoo! -...we're coming for you next!
-The greatest, baby!
-The greatest!
The greatest!
Angst Productions, baby!
[ Cheers and applause ]