-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, running back Wayne Brady,
wide receiver Gary Anthony Williams,
tight end Colin Mochrie,
and end-zone fumble Ryan Stiles,
and I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up.
[ Applause ]
Hi!
Hello.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up,
and like Twitter at Ryan's house,
the points do not matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game called "Hollywood Director."
This is for all four of our performers.
Gentlemen, come towards me.
Now, the way that this game works is that Gary,
Ryan, and Wayne are going to be acting out a film scene,
and Colin is going to be the director giving them notes
on how to improve the scene as they go along.
The scene you guys are going to be acting out
is that flirtatious golf pro Ryan
is showing a beautiful young trophy wife, Gary...
[ Laughter ]
...how to improve her swing.
Suddenly, Gary's nearsighted husband, Wayne,
[ Laughter ]
...arrives on a golf cart.
Whenever you're ready, gentlemen, take it away.
-I understand this is your first lesson.
-This is.
It's also my first time wearing a skort.
-I see.
Well, why don't I start off by showing you
how to use the ball washer?
-Okay.
-It's right over here.
Put your ball in there.
-Oh.
-[ Imitating engine revving ]
-Uh-oh! -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Oh.
-Listen here! Leave my woman alone!
-Derek, Derek... -I love you!
I love you so much! -Derek!
-You are the most amazing woman,
and why would you leave me?
-Derek! -I love you.
I love you so much.
-He was just showing me how to wash his balls.
-That's right. I was just showing her how --
just showing her how to play golf.
I was just showing her.
-Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Oh, you guys are like a horrific breakfast cereal.
Crack, crackle, pop.
[ Laughter ]
You know what? It has nothing to it.
There's no energy.
You need energy.
Do it like you're hyped up on caffeine.
Action.
-Well, I hope you don't mind that everything on me
is jiggling right now. -Fore!
-Huh? Oh.
You have to help me.
-Hey, hey! Let's wash our balls.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Imitating engine revving ] -Whoa! Oh!
Derek! -Who is that?
Who the hell was that? -Derek!
Derek! Derek! Derek!
Derek!
Derek, you have to stop this.
You have to stop thi-- Uh-oh.
-Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
-Smells like almonds.
Did you smell almonds?
-Huh?
-Did you smell almonds?
[ Laughter ] -That was...
-You smell almonds when you faint like that.
-Yeah.
-I smell almonds.
-Yes, I -- Believe me.
It's my fervent wish that you were smelling almonds.
You know, there's no contact between you.
I don't see any relationship.
So do it like you're all covered in super glue.
[ Laughter ]
-I was won-- Oh.
Perhaps you'd like to put your ball...
-Oh, no. -...in the ball washer.
-Let me help you. -Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh. Uh-oh! -Oh.
-Oh! Oh! -Uh-oh.
-[ Imitates engine revving ]
-I smell almonds! -Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
-I smelled almonds again. -Yes.
-Yeah, I smell nuts, too.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-From behind. Okay.
-All right, no, hey!
Thank you!
You have given me inspiration!
-Just from nuts? -Yes.
-Do it like you're in a cheesy adult movie.
-Oh.
-Action.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Perhaps you'd like to, uh,
grab my club and have a few strokes.
-I reckon I would.
-Wait. -Oh?
-I should put my ball in the ball washer first.
-Oh! Or would you rath...
-[ Imitates engine revving ]
Where are you, honey? -Chika-dika-dow-wow!
-I can't see you.
I can't see you. -She's right over there.
-Huh? -Oh.
-Cut, cut, cut, cut.
[ Buzzer ] -What was wrong with that?
What was wrong with that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Uh...
-Why would you stop it right there?
-It was just about to get good. -I could see what was coming.
-That's what the Internet is for, gentlemen.
-I was just about to replace a divot.
[ Laughter ]
-You're making pictures in my head.
Next up, ladies and gentlemen, is a game called
"Scenes From a Hat."
This is for all four of our performers.
Ryan and Colin, you're over there.
Wayne and Gary, you're right here.
Now, before the show,
we asked the audience to write down scenes
they wanted to see acted out by our performers.
I've got the suggestions here in this hat.
I'm going to read them out,
and we'll see how many our performers can act out.
So, the first one is "Unlikely Car Commercials."
-The new Buick -- very easy to break into.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-The new 2015, with more room
in the trunk for bodies than ever before.
[ Laughter and applause, buzzer ]
-No? Okay.
-We don't like that one.
-Clearly.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, this one's for you, Ry. -Oh!
-"Pickup Lines That Would Never Work."
[ Audience oohs ]
You guys are too sensitive!
-Can I buy you a drink?
[ Buzzer ]
-Out of all the girls that I've hit on
and I've been rejected by, and finally I've settled on you.
You're the hottest one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
This Buick -- very easy to break into.
-I can't.
-And there's a body in the trunk.
-Get out of here.
-What do you weigh?
[ Audience oohs ]
[ Buzzer ]
-You know the doors are locked, right?
-Terrifying. [ Buzzer ]
-It's this thing.
It's really strong.
Try that. -Oh!
-Hey. -Wow!
-Some of us are working.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-My hand smell funny to you?
[ Buzzer ]
-Mm, mm, mm!
You look fertile.
[ Laughter, audience oohs ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"Bad Things to Do on Your First Day at Work."
-Ryan, Colin, Wayne,
y'all stupid!
True story, guys.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I really look forward to working here, sir.
-Good. -Is, uh, that your wife?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"If Famous Movie Scenes Were Performed in the Nude."
-"My friend Andy Dufresne
had chiseled his way through that wall."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Panting ]
[ Imitating Rocky Balboa ] Adrian!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
You said naked.
-Come on! You can do it, Rock.
You can do it.
Come on! Hit it, Rock, hit it!
-Last season, I actually did that to his penis and balls.
-Did you?
-Oh, yeah.
-No, not on the show, though.
[ Laughter, audience oohs ]
-Just a lot of [bleep] jokes.
Okay.
-Well, what else...? -You said to do it naked.
-Should we have done a lot of vagina jokes?
-Yes. -All right, fine.
-All right. Sure.
-[ Imitating ship engine ]
We are falling into the black hole.
-Yes! Yes!
-You happy? -I am.
Thank you.
-Ready, Thelma? -Ready, Louise?
[ Laughter ]
-Why just one?
-Because that's where the ignition was.
-Because we were driving into a really big vagina.
[ Buzzer ]
-All right.
Do not go away.
We'll be right back with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this.
-Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And now we're going to move on to a game called "Radio Show."
This is for all four of our performers.
Gentlemen, when you are ready, come on down.
Wayne and Gary are going to be morning radio DJs,
and Ryan and Colin are going to play anybody else
who might call in or feature on the show in any way.
But you're also going to have some star guests
to interview on your morning radio show,
so, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome legendary illusionists
Penn and Teller.
-Hello.
-Welcome.
Welcome.
-Sir, good to see you again. -Sir!
-Please have a seat.
-Now, here's how this is going to go.
-Who do you think is taller?
-Who do I think is taller? -Let's...
-Uh, oh.
-[Chanting] Tall-off, tall-off, tall-off.
-He's taller. -Interesting.
[ Audience oohs ]
-Who's got bigger feet?
-He's got me? -No, you got it.
-What size feet you got? -I got a 15.
-Damn. -What?
-Oh, okay.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I was just going to pull out enough to win.
-All right.
Whenever you guys are ready, take it away.
-Do-do-do-do-do-do! [ Imitates explosion ]
It's K-Pet in the morning. -K-Pet!
It's me, Dog, the angriest man on radio.
-And I'm Soothin' Sam.
-Whoo! We balance each other off.
[ Imitates explosion ] -Aah!
-♪ In the morning ♪
-Not in the afternoon.
-All right.
So, what's up today for our listeners, baby?
-I got to tell you something, man.
We're going to get really soothey with it today.
We got two fantastical guests on here.
-Callers and listeners, Penn and Teller.
-Oh, great to be here.
All right. Thanks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Imitating telephone ringing ]
-Oh, we have a caller coming in on line nine.
Caller, you're on.
-Yeah, why do you got to have a guy who can't talk
on your radio show?
-Oh, he said -- I thought you guys got a [Indistinct].
-Why do we have a guy that doesn't talk?
Oh, he's just got a golf ball in his mouth.
That's why he doesn't talk,
because of the golf ball in his mouth.
Now Teller is going to talk. Teller will talk.
Oh, he's got the... -He got a...
-Now Teller will talk on your show for the first time ever.
-Here we go. -All right.
-Teller is going to talk.
-Oh.
-Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
-Yeah, yeah. Caller, you're also on.
-Hi, it's Magnificent Otter.
I'm from Sausalito.
Both of your guests are, like, things in a bank.
What's up with that?
-What, a pen and a teller?
-[ Laughing hysterically ]
-This guy. This guy.
-Oh!
-Oh, no! Oh, no.
-My name is Penn. -Right.
-And although it's spelled differently...
-Uh-huh.
-...it's the same as the word "pen," and his name is Teller.
-Ring-ring. -Caller three, you're in.
-Yeah, I just noticed it was spelled different.
-Yeah, it is.
-Thanks, Otter. We'll be talking to you later.
We have a little jingle from our sponsors.
-"D"...
Boo.
D-Boo!
-The number-one word in chocolate.
-Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
-Now, caller.
-Yeah, I just want to tell your listeners,
a golf ball just rolled by my car.
-Let's go ahead and check with Jimmy in the traffic 'copter
to see if he can see the rolling ball.
-[ Imitating helicopter blades whirring ]
I see the ball.
It's heading down Hallassee,
and a guy just took a left on Melrose.
-Now, Jimmy, I have a question for you.
-Yes?
-Is it wise that you're not flying your helicopter?
You've just got your hands back slapping your chest.
-And why do you sound like Gilbert Gottfried?
-You hit your nipples for an hour and see how you sound.
-Fair enough.
Before we let you go back to Vegas...
-Yes. Yep.
-Would you consider playing a private show here
in Los Angeles for the radio station and our listeners?
-No.
-Gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to Penn and Teller
right here on the 6:00 a.m. angry man
and the sensitive one radio.
We are out. -Out.
[ Buzzer ]
-Ladies and gentlemen, Penn and Teller!
Don't go anywhere.
We will be right back with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
right after this.
-Hey, there.
Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We are going to keep the fun
going now with a game called "Greatest Hits."
It's a game for all four of our players,
so, gentlemen, come on down.
You'll have to have the help of Laura Hall
and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
The way that this game works is that Ryan and Colin
are two TV voiceover artists
talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Gary are going to sing snippets of those songs,
so what I need from the audience is a suggestion here.
Can you give me a big American city one might go and visit?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
-Oh, okay! Dallas.
-What? -Dallas, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
So the name of your album is "Songs of Dallas."
Take it away.
-Good morning, America.
-Good morning.
We'll be right back to our documentary on people
obsessed with pedicures, in "Clip-tomaniacs,"
in just a second.
Hey, have you ever been to Dallas?
-I have never --
Yes, I have.
It's a lot like Houston...
-Yes. -...but without the culture.
[ Audience oohs ]
-Well, that's one place I wouldn't vacation in, for you.
-Don't worry. I won't.
-Anyway, on this collection of, uh...
-LPs?
-Yeah. There are some interesting pairings.
Pairings you wouldn't see outside of Dallas.
-Really?
-Oh, I tell you, this one fascinates me.
-Really?
-Because it's also about something that I love.
You know, being a Canadian, I love hockey,
and the Dallas Stars are a hockey team.
-And syrup. You guys have syrup, too.
-Yeah, that fits in beautifully with what I'm about to say.
-And beavers. Beavers.
You've got beavers and snowshoes and Mounties.
-All things that aren't in Dallas.
But there is a hockey team,
which is sort of the basis of this next song.
-Oh, the Dallas Stars? -Yeah.
-Oh. -Sung by Luther Vandross.
-[ Gasps ] "Vandrohs"? -Yeah.
-Is it "Drohs" or "Drahs"?
-It depends if you're, uh...
pronounce it correctly.
-Oh.
-But it's him and Chris Rock.
-Chris Rock? -Yeah.
So sit back and listen to this novelty tune --
"Why Do We Have Hockey Here?"
[ Funky music plays ]
-Uh, uh, uh.
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ Baby, baby, this world is so nice ♪
-♪ Oh, oh ♪
-♪ Why in the heck do we have to be ♪
♪ Beating around on the ice? ♪
-♪ Oh, oh ♪ -♪ I don't know, darling ♪
♪ I don't give a pluck ♪
♪ Don't make no sense ♪
♪ Everyone running around chasing these hockey pucks ♪
-Y'all need to tell me just one thing.
-♪ Uh-huh ♪ -Tell me just one thing.
-♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
-You don't see no brothers on the ice.
-Unh-unh. -Not unless he getting chased,
and he's running like this in one place.
-♪ Run, running ♪ -Maaaaaaan!
-♪ Running, running ♪
-♪ Yeah, oh ♪
-♪ Why there hockey over here? ♪
-♪ Hey, hey ♪
-♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ I guess we could have curling ♪
♪ One of these days ♪
♪ People running on the ice, baby ♪
♪ With that broom ♪
♪ Step back, my friend, you got to make ♪
♪ Me some ice-skating room ♪
I'm about to go skating.
-[ Imitating ice skates scraping ]
One more time, now.
-Come on, now.
The only way you're going to get me on the ice
is if there's a hoop on the other end.
Hey. -All right.
-That kind of makes sense. -Yeah, it does.
-All right. Go now.
-All right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You know what's great about
this particular collection of songs?
-Oh, hash browns.
-What?
-Oh, I thought you asked me what food I like.
-No.
-Oh, because it would be hash browns.
-Who cares? -Okay.
-As I said, there's many great pairings on this album.
-Is this another pairing coming up?
-Oh, wait till you hear this great hit sung
by two people who have more in common than their last name,
Ice-T and Mr. T...
[ Laughter ]
...when they sing this great hit --
"Barbecue in the City."
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
-[Rapping] ♪ I smell the food, smell the food ♪
♪ I smell the food, smell the food ♪
♪ Do you smell the food ♪
♪ Do you smell the food, food, food, food,? ♪
♪ Do you smell the food? ♪
-[Rapping] ♪ Barbecue ♪
♪ B-A-R-cue ♪
♪ That's what I eat, so I'm telling you ♪
♪ As I'm riding down the street, I'm a hustler ♪
♪ Every day I get "B" 'cause I'm coming up ♪
♪ Fork and knife ♪ -Unh!
-♪ In my hand ♪ -Unh!
-♪ I'm ready for a barbecue, understand? ♪
♪ It doesn't matter because I smoke a cigarillo ♪
♪ Ooh, roadkill, barbecuing' armadillo ♪
-Barbecue! -♪ That's what I do ♪
♪ Barbecue ♪ -♪ You like the armadillo? ♪
♪ I'll tell you what, I'm the killer ♪
♪ I club your man, I club your man in the mane ♪
What?
♪ I don't know what I'm sayin' no more ♪
-No.
♪ I got so much gold around my neck ♪
♪ I got an afro ♪ -Whoa.
♪ But it's only on the top, see? ♪
-Yes. -♪ You call that a Mohawk? ♪
♪ Don't call me ♪
♪ Barbecue ♪ -Barbecue.
-Huh? -Barbecue, I'm barbecue.
-Go.
♪ I smell the food, barbecue ♪
-You see me? Yeah.
-Barbecue, I barbecue. -Barbecue.
Huh? I smell the food.
I pity the fool who don't barbecue.
-Sauce.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-That's good, huh?
-Hey, find out who won our show tonight
right after these messages.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That is our show for the evening, and tonight,
all four of you lovely gentlemen performers are our winners.
-Yes! -So I would like you to read,
with our star guests, Penn and Teller,
the credits as two magicians, Ryan and Colin,
trying to make Penn and Teller disappear.
Wayne and Gary, you will be their glamorous assistants,
otherwise known as box jumpers, by the way.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
-Oh, box jumpers. -Goodnight.
♪♪
-By the power of Mark Leveson and Jed Leventhal,
disappear!
-It's not working.
-By the Wayne Brady or the Neil...
-Oh!
Ho-ho!
♪♪
Can we keep them around a little bit longer?
-Oh! Oh, yes!
Why, we...
[ Cheers and applause ]