-Good
-Good evening,
-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show -- making the world a better place,
Wayne Brady.
Making it happen, Jeff Davis.
Making out his will, Colin Mochrie.
And making whoopee, it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome, my friends, to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
the show where everything's made up and the points do not matter.
We've got a sensational show for you tonight,
and we're gonna start right this minute
with a game entitled "Weird Newscaster."
This is for all four of our performers, so come on down.
In this game, Colin is the anchor of a new program.
Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne are his co-anchors,
each of whom is a rather odd character.
Jeff is the co-anchor who was Colin's drunken bride,
embarrassing him on their wedding day.
Wayne is the sportscaster
who's also an aggressive fitness instructor
leading the entire audience in a class.
And Ryan is the weather forecaster who's also
experiencing every natural disaster in 30 seconds.
Whenever you're ready, take it away.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
-Welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm barely conscious.
Our top story -- a butcher who backed up into a meat grinder
was fired today for getting a little behind in his work.
[ Laughter ]
-Hi, Col.
Oh, my God. I love you so much.
I love you so mu-u-u-ch. [ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. I love you --
I love Colin so much, you guy-y-y-ys.
I love him so much, even though he's got the littlest wee-wee.
Tiny. Got a tiny... [ Laughter ]
...tiny little wee-wee!
I -- [ Gagging ]
[ Snoring ]
Back to you, Colin.
-Let's see what's happening in the world of sports.
-[German accent] None of you should watch sports.
You're just watching sports. You're all so lazy.
You sit on your behinds watching sports.
You are sitting. Everyone get up!
Get up! Get up now!
All of you! All of you!
Now march! March in place!
Oh, you're laughing at me. I'm funny. Look at that.
Ha ha. No laughing at me!
You. You. The one in orange.
[ Laughter ] One, two, three, five, nine.
You! Come! Come! Come with me!
Yes! Come with me! You can be healthy!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come with me!
Now! You Now you do that, huh?
Do you feel it? That is great.
Now, are you strong? -Mm-hmm.
-Catch me.
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You can go now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sit!
Back to you.
-I want a divorce.
I'm a lesbian! [ Sobs ]
[ Laughter ]
-Me too. [ Laughter ]
Now let's see what's happening with weather.
-Well, Col, I don't know what's gonna happen to the -- Oh.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. The Earth! The Earth!
[ Laughter and applause ]
The winds! The winds are picking up!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, no! Oh, look out! The winds!
-Oh! -Oh, the winds!
-Oh! -Oh! Oh!
I'm okay. I'm all right.
It looks like it's a-a... tsunami!
[ Laughter ] Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God that missed.
I don't know if it's natural or not, but...quicksand!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Tsunami!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-And that was the 6:00 news. Good night and good news.
[ Dramatic music plays, buzzer ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-That was delightful. And very confusing.
-I really wanted to throw it in my face,
but then we would've had to break for an hour.
-You know you can't be throwing water on no Black woman.
That would've really been a natural disaster.
-Do you melt or what happens? [ Laughter ]
-I just get super ethnic.
Oh, no, you did not get water in my hair!
[ Laughter and applause ]
My friends, we're gonna play a game entitled "Dubbing."
This is a game for Wayne, Ryan, and Colin, so come on down.
This game will also involve our special guest,
so please give it up for the Gold Globe-winning star
of the hit show "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,"
the incredible Rachel Bloom! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Rachel.
-Hi! Great to see you!
-The way this game works
is Ryan and Wayne are gonna act out a scene with Rachel,
but she won't actually use her own voice.
Her lines are gonna be provided by Colin.
So, Rachel, you're just gonna move your lips
when Colin's talking and try to make it make sense.
It won't. And here's the scene.
Ryan, you are a 1940s gangster
hitting on raunchy nightclub singer and dancer Rachel,
when suddenly Ryan's jealous showgirl fiancée, Wayne,
bursts in.
Take it away.
-Candy, when are you gonna be done?
I've got the car outside, and I'm ready to go.
-Say, aren't you fresh? You're kind of fresh.
You don't impress me with your big talks
and your spats and your hat and your fedora.
-Have you been talking to Jimmy again? Jimmy been bothering you?
I'll beat him into a meat pie and cover him with --
I'll cover him with a -- I'm gonna beat him into a meat pie.
[ Laughter ] -Aw, you're an idiot!
I've got to go on for my set.
I have a big song coming up in three minutes.
-Well, you better put some clothes on, I suppose.
-I don't need clothes! I'm the raunchy...canary.
♪ I love the way you look at me-e-e, ah ♪
-I ain't buying the bird act, you see?
-Where do you think you're going with the raunchy canary?
-Latrice. -That's right.
You thought you could go out the back with this!
-What do you mean, "this"? -With all this.
I mean, they are beautiful. Good job on those.
-Oh, thank you very much.
So, is this your mannish fiancée?
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. Yeah, that's her/him.
Yeah. We're -- We're over, baby.
We're not together anymore. It's just you and me. Yeah.
Just you and me is what I'm sayin'.
-It's a shame to hear you say that...
because I gots to kill you. -Oh, no. No!
Listen. Listen.
Obviously you love him.
-Where the hell are you going?
-I'm hiding behind you. You're a bigger target than me.
-Put the gun down, Latrice. You don't want to do this.
Just put the gun -- Oh!
-Oh, my God! You stabbed him with the gun!
[ Laughter ] -I know!
I know! It didn't even go off! Bang.
-Oh! God. You shot me in my stab wound.
[ Laughter ]
-You know what, though?
This is inspiring me to a torch song
that has never been sung before.
Would you join me in it? -I would be honored.
-Let me crawl over there and get some singles out.
-Bang. -[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter ]
-♪ The man ♪
♪ That you love ♪
-♪ That you love ♪
-♪ Is bleeding on the floor ♪
-You kids are great! You kids are great!
Look, we're gonna join up and we're gonna form a duo.
-Bang. -Oh, God!
Latrice.
-Let me shoot him! -What the hell?
-Bang, bang, bang! Bang, bang, bang!
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
-I think this is the brave new world
where two girls like us can go out on our own.
-[ Grunts ] -Oh, geez.
-What the...
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Rachel Bloom, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stick around.
We've got more "Whose Line" right after these messages.
Stay tuned!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?
And we are gonna keep the fun going now
with a game entitled "Party Quirks."
In this game, Jeff is hosting a party,
and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are his guests.
But each of them have a strange quirk or identity.
What Jeff's gonna have to do is guess what those quirks are.
Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, line up over there when you're ready.
I'll bring you in one at a time with a doorbell.
And whenever you're ready, Jeff, start that party.
-It's gonna be so good. [ Exhales deeply ] I'm so drunk!
So drunk already. [ Doorbell rings ]
Hey!
-Hey! Good to see you! Good to see you!
Look at you. You got your white folks here.
You got some Black folks here.
You've got some Asian people here.
[ Laughter ] [ Doorbell rings ]
I'm a blonde. Look at these.
[ Laughter ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
-Would you like some chips? -Yep.
[ Laughter ] [ Doorbell rings ]
-Hello!
-[ Meows ]
-Oh, look at you, little guy.
Oh, did you get lost on the way to the --
-[ Meows ]
[ Slurps, gags ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Doorbell rings ] -Wait.
The -- The door is open.
-[ Imitates engine revving, meows ]
Bkkh! Kchh!
[ Laughter ]
-The [bleep] is on fire.
[ Doorbell rings ] [ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Meowing ]
[ Panting, gulps ]
-First time I've ever seen one do it to itself.
Whoop!
-Kitty, get out of the pool. Get out of the pool.
Go over and have some refreshments over there.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Yeah. -Hi. I got a call.
I heard there was something in your pool.
-Well, there was a dead animal there a moment ago.
-Maybe I should go clean it.
[ Laughter ] -You'd better be --
[ Doorbell rings ]
Yeah. -Hi.
My car broke down about a block away, and it's raining.
Could I borrow a towel? [ Laughter ]
[ Doorbell rings ] -Yes?
-Look like we're gonna be sharing a cell together.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It's obviously not your first time.
-Hey, listen. I've had enough of you.
You're one of those offensive comics
that keeps getting the hook for being so offensive and racist.
-Yeah! [ Buzzer ]
Very nice. Very nice. [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Imitating motor buzzing, meowing ]
-No! Kitty cat! Kitty cat! No!
Kitty cat, don't you see that you keep killing yourself
in all sorts of different ways, you little poor cat?
-Kind of. -Kind of?
-What do cats have?
-You're using all your nine lives!
-Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ]
-I see all your guests have left.
The baby's asleep.
I guess I could get paid now, Mr. Finch.
-Look, I know what your suggestion was,
but I'm not gonna guess.
[ Laughter ]
You're one of those people that keeps coming into my house
as various cliched porn stars, aren't you?
-Yeah! I will take it! [ Cheers and applause ]
I will take that!
That was very well done.
-That was a hard one for me to come up with that stuff.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Never seen an adult movie, huh?
-Or been in one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Now we're gonna move on to a game that is entitled
"Scenes From a Hat."
This is for all four of our performers.
Ryan's over there. Wayne's over here.
We asked our brilliant audience to write down some scenes
they'd like to see acted out by our gentleman performers,
and I've got them in this hat.
Gentlemen, if you are ready, here we go.
"Weird ways for Aisha to open the show."
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
-[ Imitating Wookiee cry ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Imitating blaster firing ]
[ Imitating Wookiee cry ]
-Aisha, you're on. -[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
-[ Laughing ]
-How long do I have till I go on?
-Five minutes.
-You can't see my [bleep] can you?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What the hell? -What?
-What the -- Come on!
-I just talked to the producers. We can see your [bleep]
-See my [bleep]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Go out here,
mess around with these jackasses for one more night.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let's have some fun!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Let's get off of Aisha now. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-"If the musical 'Les Miserables'
had been about embarrassing personal problems."
[ Laughter ]
-♪ The drips, the drips ♪
♪ Of my incontinence ♪
♪ The drips, the drips ♪
♪ Of my incontinence ♪
♪ I can't, I must, I go, I can't, I will ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ But I cannot ♪
♪ Oh, I did in my pants ♪
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
-♪ This flag is the only thing that I can get up ♪
[ Laughter ] [ Buzzer ]
-"Things you should never do while driving."
-♪ Incontinence, incontinence ♪
♪ Do you feel it as I drip? ♪
♪ And I drip, drip ♪
I can -- Click! [ Imitates motor whirring ]
♪ Incontinence! ♪
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Buzzer ]
-"Inappropriate times to do an evil laugh."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing evilly ]
Your driver's license photo is ready.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-[ Laughing evilly ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughing evilly ]
[ Buzzer ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, don't go.
There's more "Whose Line" after this break.
Stay where you are.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
And now we're gonna play a game entitled "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of our performers,
with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
Here's the way this game works.
Ryan and Colin are two television voice-over performers
talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Jeff are gonna sing snippets
of the songs on that album.
I need a suggestion from our audience here.
Give me the place you'd go to improve your appearance.
Where's a place you go when you want to look better?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Okay. All right. Lots of good stuff.
We're gonna go with beauty salon.
-Wow. -So the name of your album
is entitled "Songs of the Beauty Salon."
Take it away. -Let me guess.
You don't remember what day it is.
-W-What do you mean?
-It's 30 years since we sold our first CD set.
-Oh, nice. It's our 30th anniversary.
-I got you something. -Oh. Me too.
-This is what I just gave you.
-Yes, I know.
-I knew you were gonna do that.
That's why I got it for myself.
It's a nose ring.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm surprised you found one that size.
-I just want to look better.
I just want to look better. That's all.
-Oh. Well, everyone does.
That's why they go to the beauty salon.
-Salon? I thought it was saloon. -No, that's different.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Clicking tongue ]
-What's that, a rabbit?
-It's a crazy rat -- like a lab rat!
[ Laughter ]
I'm thinking Rat Pack!
-I'm not arguing. -Did you know the Rat Pack?
-I know the Rat Pack!
-Six of the greatest singers ever to get together.
-Name four of them.
-Sammy Davis Jr. -Yeah.
-Dean Martin. -Yeah.
-Lou Costello. -Really?
-Samantha Eggar. -Wrong.
-And Dean Williams.
-I'll give you points for saying Samantha Eggar.
-Thank you. And -- -Not been mentioned since 1973.
-Oh, but they all sing in harmony and sound great
on this Rat Pack hit, "Hot Rocks."
[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]
-Hey, Deano.
-[ Slurring ] All right, all right.
Who's ringin' little bell? A little drink of water.
Hey, Sammy, how you doing over there?
[ Nasally ] I'm ready to go, man.
[ Laughter ]
[ Music continues ]
♪ Skoo-da-doo-da-doo ♪
♪ Scoop-doo-doodle-dee-doo- doo-wah ♪
-♪ What makes your skin feel so much better? ♪
♪ What makes it feel better, better? ♪
-♪ Oh, reverses time and aging ♪
♪ So you don't feel like you're leather ♪
♪ Because right from your hair to your socks, brother ♪
♪ Tss -- hot rocks, ooh ♪
-♪ First you find the stone ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Then you get it hot ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
-♪ Then you put it on a place ♪ -♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
-♪ Maybe a real sore spot ♪ -♪ Ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Baby, you know it rocks ♪
♪ Hot rocks, hot rocks, hot rocks, hot rocks ♪
♪ Because you need hot rocks on your body ♪
♪ Your body would feel so good, buddy ♪
♪ Hot rocks ♪
-♪ Baby, roll that stone ♪ -♪ Hot rocks ♪
-♪ I don't want to be sore all alone ♪
-♪ They're hot for rocks ♪
-♪ Oh, baby, it's no time for talk ♪
-♪ Oh, hot rocks ♪ [ Music slows ]
-♪ Hot rocks ♪ -♪ Hot rocks ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
They're the hottest, kid. They're the hottest.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Look how blue your shirt is.
No, not the blues. Bluegrass rap!
Oh, you didn't see that coming.
That went right around your head and in your ear.
[ Laughter ]
Bluegrass rap.
-Thirty years was a good run.
-Yeah. -It was a really good run.
[ Laughter ]
So sit back.
Enjoy this wonderful bluegrass rap,
"Expensive Lotions and Creams."
[ Mid-tempo beat plays, banjo playing ]
-One, two, one, two. -Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Here I go. -Take it, Jess.
♪ Y'all been talkin' about me ♪
♪ And I know that y'all can't match me ♪
♪ Sometimes I walk outside ♪
♪ My skin might get a little ashy ♪
♪ You don't understand exactly how it can be ♪
♪ Know what I mean ♪
♪ But all you got to do is get those expensive lotions ♪
♪ And them creams ♪
♪ I slather it ♪
♪ I slather it all over on my body ♪
♪ Just look at all these lotions and the cream my buddy got me ♪
♪ I put it on, I put it on, a smile up on my face ♪
♪ In elbows, arms, cracks, and my other shiny places ♪
-♪ Yeah, expensive lotions and creams ♪
♪ You got the cash ♪
♪ Yo, baby girl, come here ♪
♪ I got a crazy rash ♪
♪ If you got lovin', you put it on my ass ♪
♪ Expensive lotions and cream ♪
♪ Now if I gave you this bill ♪
♪ Maybe you might want to take half ♪
♪ I'm talkin' about them creams and lotions ♪
♪ Not talkin' about ourself ♪
♪ No, it might be the bomb, but it really ain't no balm ♪
♪ But I might take these lotions south ♪
♪ and right onto your mom ♪
-♪ Expensive lotions ♪ -♪ Lotions ♪
-♪ And creams ♪ -♪ And creams ♪
-♪ Expensive lotions ♪ -♪ Expensive lotions ♪
-♪ And them creams ♪ -♪ Look at that cream ♪
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Find out who won our show after this short break.
I'll tell you in just a few minutes.
Stick around.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's our show.
Tonight, all four of you have won the day.
So I'd like for you to read out the credits with our star guest,
Rachel Bloom, in this fashion.
Rachel, you are dumping all of your boyfriends,
played by these guys.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
[ Up-tempo music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Um, so, listen, guys.
This... This isn't really working out.
-Babe, you're so tense.
-You've got a hundred other like me!
-Is it because Jed Leventhall?
-Listen, I've -- I've fallen in love with Ewan Phillips.
-We all know where you live. -I miss you.
I miss you so much. -I know, but -- but...
-Is it in the Valley? -Look. I made you this.
-Listen, guys. -Guys...
-You know it's in the Valley. -...she's with me now.
-We're together. -Oh!
-Sorry! -Wow.
-Oh, no! -Wow.
-Oh! Larry Hagman! [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]