-Good
-Good evening,
-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, getting his crunk on,
Wayne Brady,
twerking queen Nyima Funk,
fo' shizzle my nizzle, it's Colin Mochrie,
and getting jiggy with it, Ryan Stiles,
and I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's make some stuff up!
Hey! Hey, everybody.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points -- they don't matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game called "Scenes From a Hat,"
which is for all four of our performers.
Come on down!
Ryan and Colin are over there.
Wayne and Nyima are over here.
Now, before the show, we asked our audience
to write down some scenes that they would like to see
acted out by our crack performers here.
I've got the suggestions, and I'm going to read them out.
We're going to see how many you guys can make happen.
Ryan, you ready? -Mm-hmm.
-Ready, ready? Here it comes.
"Things You Can Say About Your Car But Not Your Partner."
-No matter how much I pump, I just can't fill this thing.
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, I'm so glad I have a spare.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Oh!
Someone got rear-ended.
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, you're all dry because you're out of wiper fluid.
[ Audience oohs ]
-Uh-oh. [ Buzzer ]
-Really?
Ooh, I offended some car people.
-Wash it, wax it, have it back by tomorrow.
Wax it good.
[ Buzzer ]
Ugh, it's so hard to fit in these European models.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-There you go.
-"The Dating Videos of Fictional Characters."
-My name is Optimus Prime.
Whatever you want, I can be.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...
Ta-ta-ch-k, ta-ta-ch-k, ta-k-k.
Ch-k-po-po, ssk-k.
Ch-k-ssk-ssk, ssk-to-to-to-to.
Eee, ch-k, tk-tk-tk.
Brrr, zz-gzz-gzz.
[ Buzzer ]
-Oh, I wanted to know what you were building.
-Oh, you'll find out.
[ Nyima giggles ]
-Oh, dear Lord above in the sky.
"Weird Things to Read on a Medical Label."
-"This will kill your ass."
[ Buzzer ] Mnh-mnh.
-"Has no side effects."
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Will turn you into a man"?
What in the world?
-D-d-d-d, k-ch-k-ch, ch-ch-ch-ch.
Ch-ch-ch-ch, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Zzz, ch-ch-ch-ch.
[ Buzzer ]
-Whoo-hoo! [ Giggles ]
-"Things You Don't Want to Hear
from the Person You've Just Woken Up Next To."
-Yay, I'm a real boy!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Uh, 500 points to Wayne
for buzzing himself out twice,
and 250 points to Colin for your...
subtlety.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
-Now we're going to play a game called "Song Style."
Wayne is going to be making up a song assisted
by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar.
And to inspire our good friend Wayne tonight,
we have a very special celebrity guest for him to serenade,
so please welcome my good friend Jack Osbourne!
-Mwah!
-Jackie!
-Good to see you. -And you.
How's it going?
-So, Wayne, you're going to be
singing a song to Jack about his life.
-Oh. -Yes.
Get ready. -It should be tragic.
-And you're going to be singing in the style of salsa.
So a song about Jack in the style of salsa.
-Because my life just screams salsa, right?
-It does. -That's it.
So, you do so many things, and you've gotten a chance
to do a ton of stuff.
Is there something that you haven't done
that you want to do?
-Um, I don't know.
Like, I never went really to school.
I need to go to school at some point.
-Hit it!
[ Salsa music plays ]
-Okay.
I'm liking this.
-[Latin accent] Today, Jack,
I shall teach you...
Well, I shall just teach you.
[ Laughter ]
♪ Down your life, inside your mind ♪
♪ We shall go ♪
♪ I can teach you, I can be your maestro ♪
♪ Because you are so smart ♪
♪ No one calls you a fool ♪
♪ You've done pretty damn nicely for yourself ♪
♪ Even though you never went to school ♪
♪ Oh, you've been blessed ♪
♪ Since the day that you were born ♪
♪ You come from a crazy show-biz family ♪
♪ Last name is Osbourne ♪
♪ I've seen you ♪
♪ You used to get wild and hang out in the bars ♪
♪ But then you cleaned up, you got really healthy ♪
♪ And you danced on "Dancing With the Stars" ♪
♪ Oh, Jack, kindergarten ♪
♪ Teaching you something ♪
♪ First grade, we can teach you ♪
♪ And then we go up all the way ♪
♪ To junior high and then to college ♪
♪ And in your head, there's a knowledge ♪
♪ You want to go to school ♪
♪ Oh, and learning can be a bitch ♪
♪ Oh, but I know just one thing ♪
♪ That you don't need to learn ♪
♪ Because the simple fact of the matter is ♪
♪ You're rich, so dance ♪
♪ Oh, go ahead and dance ♪
♪ So go ahead and dance ♪
♪ You make more money than the average teacher does ♪
♪ So you win, go dance ♪
♪ There's some form of inequality about that ♪
♪ But, hey, that's okay, just dance ♪
♪ Oh, Jack, to go to school, you don't need it ♪
♪ Oh, Jack, just dance ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
This dude can dance.
-He can!
-Thank you, Jack. -That was awesome, right?
Everybody give it up for Jack Osbourne!
-He was leading me.
-Awesome.
-Thank you. -Jack Osbourne, everybody!
He's so good, right?
All right. That was so much fun.
He almost dipped you.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, no.
There was almost a line where I looked in his eyes,
and it stopped being, "Oh, hey, hey,
we're two guys horsing around," and it was like,
"Oh, he's going to make love to me."
[ Laughter ]
-All right, we'll see you guys
for more laughs right after the break.
Don't go anywhere.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Now we come to a game called "Infomercial."
This is for Ryan and Colin.
Come on down, guys.
In this game, you're going to be trying to sell our audience
some utterly useless products, okay?
So here are your items. You've got them there.
And you guys are going to be selling a kit
to help people overcome their phobias.
Take it away.
-Hey, there's a lot of people out there with a lot of phobias.
They're scared of everything. -Oh!
-Oh!
Bones!
[ Laughter ]
We've come up with a kit that will make you think
of your phobias in a different way
so fear will go away.
You will scare your fear to run away.
-Goodbye.
What's that?
-This...
[ Laughter ]
...is...
Here, listen.
A lot of our fears are just in our head.
-Mine are.
-Yeah.
-Ow! -Are they now?
-No, it went over there.
-Thank you.
-Uh-oh.
♪ Dun, dun ♪
♪ Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun ♪
♪ I'm done, done ♪
♪ I'm done-done, done-done, done-done ♪
Oh! -Many people have --
-Don't hit me in the head with that.
-No, I won't.
Many people have fear of being hit in the genitals.
-Really?
[ Laughter ]
-If you wear this for three weeks...
Hit as hard as you can.
Nothing.
The more you wear it, the more confidence you get.
-Oh!
Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!
Woo-ooo-oo-oo!
-Sometimes you're just scared of things
that you don't know what the hell they are.
Uhhh-ga-da-ga-da-ga-da!
-Xenophobia -- the fear of aliens.
-Ga-la-la-la-la!
Sploosh! Ga-la-la-la-la-la-la!
-There's also the fear of working with idiots.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Sometimes we wish we had a magic genie.
-Oh, I wish I could pee in that right now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Sometimes it's best just to ignore the phobia,
and they go away.
Nope, still here.
-Oh, no.
What's happened to my Hula-Hoop?
-That's right.
People fear -- -Oh, no!
-Hula-Hoop dysfunction is one of the biggest fears of America.
-Oh, no.
-The fear of working with idiots.
[ Buzzer ]
-Hula-Hoop dysfunction.
-I just -- I think I'm going to give 500 points to Ryan
for what was an adorable attempt at Hula-Hooping.
[ Laughs ] It was so cute.
-I have no hips. -No, it's true.
-Slides right down.
-A lot of us would kill to not have hips, Ryan.
-Stop.
-Ew!
-Now we're going to play a game,
and this game is called "Irish Drinking Song."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Will all four of you guys come down
with Laura Hall on the piano?
Now, before you make up your Irish drinking song,
we need a suggestion from the audience
for a reason to celebrate.
What is a reason to celebrate?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Circumcision.
I think that's a reason to celebrate.
-I was waiting for that.
-I'm hearing from the voices in my head that we're on
shaky ground with that one, so let's try again,
and what I would like from the audience,
a reason to celebrate.
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Pregnancy. Pregnancy.
Is that going to be safe enough?
-That wouldn't happen if... -How do you get pregnant?
I don't know.
-With a circumcised penis.
-Yes.
The stork comes and brings you a basket of circumcised penises,
and then nine months later, a baby comes.
-That's how it works. -It's magic.
All right, so the suggestion is pregnancy
as a reason to celebrate and sing an Irish drinking song.
Take it away.
♪♪
-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Hi... ♪
-I couldn't hear it.
-I can't hear it either.
-Stork is never going to bring you a basket
of circumcised penises like that.
All right.
-Please, Mr. Stork.
♪♪
-♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ Today my life just changed ♪
-♪ I'm giving birth ♪
-♪ The doctor called this morning ♪
-♪ Even with all this girth ♪
-♪ He said, "You're going to shoot it out" ♪
-♪ He said, "Here it comes" ♪
-♪ The best day of your life ♪
-♪ Right out of my bum ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ D-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ I pushed and pushed and pushed ♪
-♪ The sweat was on my brow ♪
-♪ The baby came right out there ♪
-♪ He said, "How you like me now?" ♪
-♪ The doctor said, "Smack him in the head" ♪
-♪ This beautiful little boy ♪
-♪ I think I'll have another ♪
-♪ My husband might get annoyed ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ That boy was the apple of my eye ♪
-♪ I named him after me ♪
-♪ I named him little Giuseppe III ♪
-♪ And he climbs a tree ♪
-♪ He likes to climb all day long ♪
-♪ I take him everywhere ♪
-♪ People comment on his gorgeous looks ♪
-♪ And how he sits in a chair ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ And now he's become a man ♪
-♪ Off into the world ♪
-♪ He's going to meet a woman ♪
-♪ Maybe a lovely girl ♪
-♪ And someday he'll get married ♪
-♪ And he'll repeat this thing ♪
-♪ He's going to get a woman knocked up ♪
-♪ He circumcised his wing ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
-♪ Di-dee, di-dee, di ♪
-♪ Oh, hi-dee-di-dee, di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Di-dee, di-dee ♪
♪ Diiii ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-He circumcised his wing.
-Stick with us because we're going to be back with more
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" right after this!
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We're going to keep things moving with a game
right now called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne with the help
of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor, so come on down, guys.
Ryan and Colin are two TV voiceover artists
talking about the latest compilation album,
and Wayne is going to be singing snippets of the songs,
but I need a suggestion from the audience here.
So give me a type of vacation that one might take.
[ Shouting suggestions ]
So many good ones.
Cruise. Okay, great.
Cruise. That's a great idea.
All right.
So the name of your album is "Songs of Cruising."
Take it away.
-We'll be right back to our documentary
on a security guard that works at a brassiere factory,
"The Booby Guard," in just a second.
Ryan, Ryan.
-Huh? -Why are you sleeping?
-I'm sorry.
I fell asleep at the beginning of that joke.
-You okay?
-Yeah, I guess I need a bit of a break.
-Boy, maybe you should go on a cruise.
-A vacation for me?
-Yes.
You work almost three hours a day.
-You know, we compiled 67 songs all about the cruise on one CD.
-That's absolutely right.
Hey, if I told you our first artist was named
Onika Tanya Maraj,
you probably wouldn't say anything.
-I'd call [bleep]. -No.
But if I told you her stage name, Nicki Minaj...
-Oh, Nicki Minaj. -That's right.
-Do I see her or don't see her?
What is she? Is she a --
-No, you're thinking a mirage. -Oh.
-So let's hear this great Nicki Minaj hit --
"Time for Shuffleboard."
[ Pop music plays ]
-Yeah!
♪♪
-♪ Now, what do I do on the deck ♪
♪ When I'm here with a nice shirt on my neck? ♪
♪ And I'm just looking at you, oh, my Lord ♪
♪ I'll grab this stick to shuffleboard ♪
♪ All I want to do because I'm bored ♪
♪ I hang out with the elderly old ♪
♪ And I want to do this 'cause that's my goal ♪
♪ I pray to the Lord it's shuffleboard ♪
♪ What do we do when we do like that? ♪
♪ When I get that, when I get like that ♪
♪ All I want to do is slide on the ground ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all slippery, I hit it down ♪
♪ I don't know how to play, how do I do this? ♪
♪ And, oops, I hit it, and I guess that it missed ♪
♪ And you do that, you're out of your gourd ♪
♪ You hit with a thing in a shuffle-y board ♪
♪ You shuffle and you do it, you do what you're told ♪
♪ You don't do it if you're young ♪
♪ Do when you're old ♪
♪ Shuffleboard ♪
Black Barbie.
-Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I don't know half of what I'm saying.
-That Nicki Minaj has a sexy voice.
-Yeah.
-You know, there's only one kind of music I listen to.
-Oh. Okay.
-I must have hundreds of ragtime albums.
-Oh, right.
It's nice to hear the music of your youth.
-Yes, it...
You know, when I think ragtime hits
and I think cruise, you know, one comes to mind.
At the top of the charts for over 15 weeks straight,
that cruising ragtime hit, "42 Sickened."
[ Laughter ]
[ Upbeat music plays ]
♪♪
-♪ Oh, what do you get ♪
♪ And what do you say ♪
♪ When you look at the spread at the buffet? ♪
♪ You sit down, all this food is for me ♪
♪ It's free ♪
♪ Eat some pork ♪
♪ You eat some shrimp ♪
♪ About five hours later ♪
♪ You're walking with a limp ♪
♪ Oh, what is this? ♪
♪ Tsk, tsk ♪
♪ 42 sick ♪
♪ Soo-ba-doo-doo ♪
♪ Bleh ♪
♪ Over the side of the sea ♪
♪ When the boat goes rockin' ♪
♪ You better come knockin' ♪
♪ Hold on, this comes out of me ♪
♪ When I hear the ♪
♪ Bleh ♪
♪ Of the bluebird ♪
♪ Is sitting there on the ship ♪
♪ And you better be careful ♪
♪ 'Cause it's 42 sick ♪
♪ And I know it's your life right now ♪
♪ It's 42 si-ugh-ah-oh ♪
♪ Bleh ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I love this.
What's that?
What is that?
What's this? What's that?
And what's -- Ooh, oh, what is that?
-Abdominal cramps? -Yes, a little bit.
-Yeah.
-I'm talking about belly dancing.
-Oh, of course. -Yes.
The music style of belly dancing.
And, you know, when I think of all those belly-dancing hits...
-What's the one that pops into mind?
-The one that pops into mind?
"Husband Overboard."
[ Laughter ]
[ Indian music plays ]
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
-♪ Before we came on this cruise ♪
♪ I took out an insurance policy ♪
♪ Ah, you're the man I wanted to lose ♪
♪ So I said, "Look at that" ♪
♪ And kicked your ass in the sea ♪
♪ Husband overboard ♪
♪ Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye ♪
♪ Husband overboard ♪
♪ Nobody can jump on him ♪
♪ No one can save him ♪
♪ Oh, bye, bye, bye, bye, husband ♪
♪ See you later, Jim ♪
♪ Oh, insurance policy, husband overboard ♪
♪ I'm so happy, thank you to the Lord ♪
♪ All that money here in my pants ♪
♪ Look at my belly and that's how I dance ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I got a husband over ♪
♪ Board ♪
♪ You should have gone to the YMCA ♪
♪ To learn how to swim ♪
♪ Now I'm laughing, ha, at him ♪
♪ Husband overboard ♪
Help!
Help! Help him.
Help him.
[ Buzzer ] Help him.
-Find out who the winner is right after this break.
See you in a minute.
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That is the end of our show.
Tonight's winners are Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie,
and I'd like you to read out the credits
as two panicky hypochondriacs in a doctor's waiting room
talking about all the ailments that they have,
which should feel familiar to you both.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
-I think I have Dan Patterson-itis.
I'm afraid of German things.
-Oh, oh, I just passed a stone.
-Oh. -That's not right.
-It's the size of Wayne Brady.
-Look at it.
-I'm going to keep it if it's the size of Wayne Brady.
-Oh, look, they're coughing.
I might catch Fiona Friel.
-Are you circumcised? -Yeah.
-I am, too.
You know, so is Nyima Funk.
-Really? -Yeah, that's odd, isn't it?
-Well, that's why I got it. I read it in a magazine.
-I got circumcised twice.
-Really? -Yeah.
-First one didn't take? -Nope.
-I've had that. -Oh, my God.
So has Robin. -Oh, I've got mucus.
-Oh, no.
[ Cheers and applause ]