-Good evening, everybody.
And welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, best in show Wayne Brady,
pedigree breed Jonathan Mangum,
senior hunter Colin Mochrie,
and humping the judge's leg, it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler. Let's make some stuff up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey. Hello, everybody. Welcome.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is it Anyway?" --
the show where everything is made up
and the points don't matter one freaking bit.
Yes, everything you see tonight from our performers
is going to be completely improvised
off the top of their heads
based on suggestions from our audience
and these cards I have in my hands right here.
So we start with a game entitled "Questions."
This is for all four of our performers in two pairs,
so come on down.
Jonathan and Ryan are over there,
Colin and Wayne over here.
Come collect your hats and wigs.
Now, the way that this game works is that
Wayne and Jonathan are gonna begin a scene,
but they can only speak in questions,
and I will buzz when one of them goes wrong,
and then the person behind them will step in
to take their place. However, each time they come in,
they have to assume a different character
according to the wig or hat that they are wearing.
So as you gentlemen ready your bodies,
the scene you will be acting out is entitled
"One night in a Sketchy Neighborhood."
[ Laughter ] Take it away.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What's your name?
-You know where I can get some e-cigs?
-Are you on an app on my phone
that tells me to stay away from sketchy neighborhoods?
-Would you believe it's like Tinder but illegal?
-Hell, no. [ Buzzer ]
-Want some pot?
[ Laughter ]
-Why don't you just show me your stamen?
-What the hell does that mean? -Isn't that a plant reference?
-Are you some kind of idiot?
-Yes. [ Buzzer ]
-How's it hanging?
-Got a buck? -What do you need it for?
-You know you have a pot on your head?
-Why wouldn't I know that?
-What's your name? -Who cares?
-Didn't we go to school together?
-Ah, shut up. [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Mmm. Aren't you a fine piece of beaver?
-You mind if I look at you and say "dam"?
-Would you like to go to a club called hell?
-Say-tan!
-[ Laughs ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Hey, are you the fuzz?
-Who's asking?
-Is this a badge?
-Is that in Greek?
-Why are you questioning my authority?
[ Buzzer ]
-It's that mask, man. It's freaky.
-Can you take me to the Paradise City?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-He looks like him.
-You ever been to sea?
-Rock! [ Buzzer ]
-When is the last time you went down?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Speaking gibberish ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Everybody here gets 1,100 points
for creating a neighborhood
that I wouldn't even drive through with my windows up
and locked.
That's nice.
[ Laughter ]
-Great first game. -[ Laughs ]
-You spend an hour in hair and makeup,
and then you put [bleep] on your face.
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome to my world, honey.
And now we are gonna play a game
that is entitled "World's Worst."
This is for all four of our performers, so come on down.
They're divided into two pairs -- Ryan and Colin there.
Jonathan and Wayne are over here.
Now this is a quick-fire game in which each performer
has to come up with as many examples
as possible of clips from the world's worst action movie.
Take it away.
-[ Imitates door slamming ] Freeze!
No! Okay.
[ Buzzer ]
-Yippee-o-ki-yay, Mother.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-B-6.
Miss.
[ Buzzer ]
-I put the bullets in here. Just not sure where...
Doesn't seem right.
Oh, God.
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Bzzzzzz!
The fast and the bi-curious.
Bzzzzzzzz!
[ Buzzer ]
-So, Mr. Bond,
I guess it comes down to this.
Rock beats scissors.
[ Buzzer ]
-Promise me that if I die
you'll take this letter back to my wife.
-Okay, well, I'll see her anyway, tomorrow.
-Huh? -Yeah.
[ Buzzer ]
Pow. Pow.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-No problem, Q,
I'll just scale the wall.
Click.
[ Imitates rope shooting ] Click.
[ Imitates machinery buzzing ]
Oh. [ Imitates machinery buzzing ]
Boom! Aah!
[ Imitates machinery buzzing ]
Boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom!
[ Imitates machinery buzzing ] Stop it.
[ Imitates machinery buzzing ]
Boom. Aah! [ Buzzer ]
-[ Panting ]
I got to get a car.
[ Buzzer ]
I'm so far behind.
-Listen to me. -Yeah.
-If this bus slows down below 50 miles an hour...
-Alright.
-...you will be really late for work.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Speaking gibberish ]
[ Buzzer ] -Thank you.
-[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -Okay.
See you right after this short break.
Don't go anywhere. We've got more
"Whose Line" for you right after this.
♪♪
-Hi, there. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We are gonna keep the fun going now
with a game that is entitled "Whose Line?"
This game is for Ryan and Colin, so come this way.
Now, before the show, we asked our audience to write down
a few random line suggestions, and we've got them here.
Colin, these are yours, Ryan, those are yours.
-Thank you. -Set them in your pocket there
and use them at your leisure during the scene.
Here is the scene.
You are in "Beauty and the Beast."
And the Beast, Colin, is trying to persuade the Beauty, Ryan...
-Thank you. -Yes. [ Laughs ]
To live with him inside his castle.
Take it away.
[ Laughter ]
-So, Beauty...
-Beast, you're early.
I thought you weren't picking me up till 5:00.
-Well, we're in the same house, so I figured
I'd show up little early.
-What is it, Beast? -I'll tell you, Beauty.
Please, call me Sam.
-I like Beast. -Alright.
-Beasty Sam.
I'll call you Beasty Sam.
Or Bam. Or Seast.
You can just call me Beauty.
-Oh, you're so much more beautiful when you're quiet.
-Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
-I think it's time to take this relationship to the next step.
I want you to live here forever with me.
-Here? -Yes, in my castle.
-I don't know. Everything's alive here. It scares me.
I went to the bathroom the other day, and the toilet said,
"Hey, what are you doing?"
Everything talks here. The candles, the...
-It's part of the charm. -I guess.
I don't know what to say.
I guess the only thing I can say is...
squeal like a pig.
If you squeal like a pig, I'll stay.
-[ Squeals ] -No, like a pig.
-I don't take orders from you. I'm the Beast.
-No.
-You're the Beauty. Know your place.
[ Audience "ohhs" ]
-Oh.
-Oh, alright, stop. Alright.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
Please forgive me.
-No, it's fine.
-I was raised by old-fashioned parents.
-You are a beast sometimes. You know that?
I don't like the way you talk to me,
yet I do in a lot of ways.
I've never had a man talk to me like that.
-And I'll say those little words that always
makes you forgive me. -Don't.
-Look at the ass on that.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, Beast. Oh, Beast.
-Look at that. -Squeal like a pig.
-Oh, squeal. -Squeal like a pig.
-Squeal. -Squeal like a pig.
-Squeal. -I don't know, Beast.
-Really? -I don't know.
-What? Come on, I can see your eyes
saying "yes, yes, yes."
-Well, you know how my parents feel about you.
When you took me away, my mother,
the first thing she said was...
"What's that smell?"
-I'm a Beast, it was raining.
-I know, but couldn't you just [Imitates spraying]
-Is that my fault I smell like a wet muffin?
-I suppose not.
[ Laughter ] Hey.
-I do, don't I? -Oh, you do.
-I know. -You smell like a wet muffin.
-Listen, the real reason I want you to stay with me
is obviously I love you.
But if you stay with me, the curse will be broken.
-What curse?
-Do you think I just walk around like this?
-I don't want it to be broken.
This is the Beast I fell I love with.
I don't know what you're gonna change into.
I don't want to take that chance.
I'm comfortable now.
Let's leave it the way it is.
[ Laughter ]
-I will marry you now. -I don't know, Beast.
-Boy, it's really hard keeping up with you!
-I'm a special woman.
I'm a beauty.
-And I'm just a Beast.
-Not just a Beast, you're my Beast.
-I'm the Beast.
-I even had a -- a tramp stamp made...
-What? -...to honor you.
-Can I just look at it? -You can read it if you want.
[ Laughter ]
-"Boy, am I glad I wore a bra today."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Touching.
-I'm glad we didn't get that smells one for that.
-This was awesome. -I always like it
when you play a woman because your breasts
are always on a different part of your body every time.
-I know, yeah.
-Alright, now we're going to play the game
that's called "Party Quirks."
Now, in this game, Jonathan is hosting a party,
and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are his guests,
but each of them has a rather strange quirk or identity,
and what Jonathan has to do is guess what those quirks are.
So, Wayne, Colin, and Ryan,
whenever you're ready, you're gonna line up over there.
I'll bring you in one at a time with the doorbell.
And whenever you are ready, Jonathan...
-Okay. -...start your party.
-Alright, I got a bowl of peanuts, a bowl of lactose,
and a bowl of gluten -- hope no one's allergic.
[ Inhales ] Ahh!
[ Doorbell rings ] Oh, everyone's here.
Hey!
-Hey, hey!
[ Laughter ]
-Wh--
Are you... -Ahh!
-Hey. -Ahh!
-Hey.
-Ding-ding. [ Doorbell rings ]
-Oh, you left and came back.
-[ Groans ] I'm so [bleep] up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
-Oh, more people. -Abierto.
-I hope -- Good.
-Hi, there. -He-e-ey, how you doing?
-Great!
-The British have bad teeth!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, nice tie! Who shot the drapes?
[ Doorbell rings ] [ Laughter ]
-Hi. -Hey, Jonathan.
-Hey. -Thanks for inviting me.
-Sure, no problem. Come on in. -[ Sputtering ]
-Uhh --
-There's -- -What? There's what?
-There's food over here. -Food? What kind of food?
-Oh, we've got nuts. -Nuts.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That was easy. See you next week.
-Wait, wait, wait. -What --
-This party sucks!
-Okay, I know what's happening here.
Obviously, you came all the way from Sesame Street
to make your way down here.
-Yes, yes. [ Applause ]
And do what? -Kermy,
Kermy doesn't love me anymore.
-Aw, the Muppets in the Sesame Street.
-What did these characters come to your party to do?
-They came here to...
to get loaded.
-Yeah. [ Buzzer ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And Paul Revere is always welcome at my parties.
-Yes, yes. [ Buzzer ]
Yes, I am gonna give that to you, absolutely.
-Nuts!
-That's the ugliest damn squirrel I've ever seen.
[ Buzzer ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Looking for nuts. They were right there.
-Yes! -Nuts!
-They were right there.
That was easy as hell.
-That was really easy. -He had nuts at the party.
-Yeah. -I mean, I didn't know
if it was either a squirrel or a crack addict,
so I didn't know... [ Laughter ]
-Alright, "Whose Line?" Nation,
it is time now for a game entitled "Hoedown."
This game is for all of our performers
with the help of Laura Hall at the piano.
What I need from our audience now
is a suggestion of a highly paid profession.
Tell me a job where you make a lot of money.
What is a job that you make a lot of money?
[ Shouting suggestions ]
A lot of great suggestions. I'm going to go with doctor.
So, whenever you're ready, gentlemen,
let's hear the doctor hoedown.
♪♪
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
-♪ I want to be a doctor, it's a good profession ♪
♪ Going to medical school ♪
♪ I don't want to learn all them lessons ♪
♪ See, I'm more of the guy ♪
♪ And I'll tell you ♪
♪ Screw all that blood and viscera ♪
♪ I want to be Dr. Who ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
-♪ I am a doctor, yes, yes, siree ♪
♪ I make a lot of money looking at people's pee ♪
♪ Yes, it is so beautiful, some may think it's funny ♪
♪ When I see my patient, I go, "Urine the money" ♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Well, I am a doctor, and I am no fool ♪
♪ I went to all six months of medical school ♪
♪ You can see me, that's right, I'll say "yowzer, yowzer" ♪
♪ Hey, look, it's a double dose of Doogie Howser ♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Oh, I go to the doctor two or three times a week ♪
♪ It's his doctor knowledge, his knowledge that I seek ♪
♪ Maybe I'm just a guy who likes to get out of a rut ♪
♪ I always feel better when he puts his finger up my butt ♪
-♪ Finger up my butt ♪
-Don't go anywhere.
There's more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
for you right after this break.
Stay where you are.
♪♪
-Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
We're gonna keep things moving now with a game
entitled "Greatest Hits." -Sweet!
-This is a game for all four of our performers
with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar.
Now the way this game works
is that Ryan and Colin are two television salesmen.
They're talking about the latest compilation album.
So, what I need from you guys
is a suggestion of a movie genre that you love.
Tell me a movie genre that you love.
[ Shouting suggestions ]
Okay, lots of good things here. We're gonna go with horror.
Alright? So the name of this album is entitled
"Songs of Horror."
-Hi, we'll be right back to our documentary
on optimistic dyslexics,
"When Life Gives You Melons."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But first, have we got something for you.
-Hello, I'm Eva Longoria.
You know, we've collected so many songs on three...
-Wait, what? What?
-I'm Eva Longoria.
-When did that happen? -About an hour ago.
You know, when I had time off from "Desperate Housewives"
and I sat in my trailer,
often I would listen to early jazz.
I don't like current jazz, but I love early jazz.
And, you know, when I think early jazz hits
and I think horror, I think of that one song
which is something you shouldn't do
but they always do, that jazz hit, "Let's Separate."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-♪ Wha... ♪ -♪ Wha... ♪
-♪ Did you hear a noise? ♪
♪ I think that we should go investigate ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-♪ Over there ♪ -♪ There ♪
-♪ Oh, why don't we separate? ♪ -♪ Separate ♪
-♪ Now, some would say that there's strength in numbers ♪
-♪ Numbers ♪
-♪ But I think you should go that way or this way ♪
♪ And if you die, that'd be a bummer, oh ♪
-♪ Don't go over there by the scary, scary mist ♪
♪ Someone's puking up their breakfast ♪
♪ Like "The Exorcist" ♪
-♪ Like "The Exorcist" ♪
-♪ So I think we should ♪ -♪ I think we should ♪
♪ I think we should ♪ -♪ You think ♪
-♪ Separate ♪
-Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You know, one of the greatest horror movies of all time --
"Wizard of Oz."
-Oh, spooky.
-Yeah, especially if you turn off the lights
and poke people with knives when they're watching it.
-Ah!
[ Laughter ]
-And it's because of that
that a couple of munchkins broke off...
-Munchkins? I got the...
[ Growls ] ...I got the munchkins.
-Anyway, they broke off to sing
one of the great horror songs of all time.
-I know which one you're talking about.
-I bet you do. -I know!
-Let's say it together.
No, I'll say it. -No, you say it.
-"Don't Open That Door."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-[ Vocalizes in high-pitched voice ]
♪ Because there's a door, there's a house ♪
♪ You go in and I'll run out ♪
♪ It is full of blood and gore ♪
♪ Damn, girl, don't open ♪ -♪ That door ♪
-♪ Knock, knock, knock Look at that ♪
♪ Don't cross the path of the black cat ♪
♪ You can't believe it, yes, you're a whore ♪
♪ Please don't open up that door ♪
-♪ There's a door that you shouldn't open ♪
-[ Blusters ] -♪ To survive ♪
♪ There's no way, you're hopin', 'cause ♪
♪ We represent the survivors ♪ -♪ The survivors ♪
-♪ And you should imagine that ♪
♪ Every time I've seen a horror movie ♪
♪ Who does not open the door? Black ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, everybody! Don't move!
We're cooking up more fun for you with our "Whose Line?" team
right after these messages.
Stay tuned.
♪♪
-Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That's our show. Tonight's winners are
the lovely Colin Mochrie and Jonathan Mangum,
so I'd like you to read out the credits in this fashion.
Colin and Jonathan are two parents on a long road trip
with their badly behaved kids,
Ryan and Wayne, in the back seat.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-If you guys don't behave,
you'll get the Dan Patterson treatment.
-Put a DVD on.
I think there's that Ryan Stiles movie.
-Are we there yet? -What?
-Are we there yet? -We're not there yet.
-Look at the road.
Hey, Mama.
-Stop! Alright, you drive.
Yeah, you get in the front.
You get back here, hon. Where's those snacks?
-Ha ha! -Good.
-[ Screams ]
-Luckily I have him tied to a rope.
Just pull him back in.
-- Captions by VITAC --