-Good evening, everybody,
And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
On tonight's show, hot ticket wayne brady,
Golden ticket greg proops,
Lottery ticket colin mochrie,
And dry cleaning ticket, it's ryan stiles.
And I'm aisha tyler.
Let's make some stuff up!
-- Captions by vitac --
Hello, everybody, welcome.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
The show where everything is made up,
And the points do not matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
And we're going to start right now with a game
Entitled "questions."
This is for all four of our performers in two pairs.
Greg and ryan, you are over there.
Colin and wayne are here. Collect your hats and wigs.
Now, the way that this game works is that
Wayne and greg are going to begin a scene.
They can only speak in questions.
I will buzz when one of them makes a mistake.
Then the person behind them will step in
And take their place.
But each time the new person comes in,
They have to assume a different character according to the wig
Or hat they're wearing on their oversized noggins.
And here is the scene you'll be acting out, gentlemen.
It is called "passions erupt during a space mission."
Yes.
-I win. -Strangely enough.
-Have you seen my asp?
-Why would you yell so loudly inside the space station?
-Can you hear me? -Why would I?
-Can you hear this?
-Well, do you want to turn it up?
-Oh, look what I found.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-Was greg proops just here?
[ laughter ]
-Oh [bleep]
[ laughter, applause ]
-Why are you staring?
-What's with the snakes growing out of your head?
-What?!
-What is wrong with you?!
-Why are you spitting in my face?
-Do you like that?
Have we been up here too long, carl?
Why can't you tell me you love me anymore?
-Aren't we just workmates?
[ laughter, buzzer ]
-Which way is the bar?
-Who's asking?
-Go like this. You've got snakes on your head.
-What?!
[ buzzer ]
-[ imitating jets blasting ]
[ hissing ]
[ buzzing, hissing, beeping ]
-Milk?
[ laughter, applause ]
-[ imitating beeping ]
What?
-Interplanetary milkman is what I am?
[ buzzer ]
-Oh, wow.
-I guess inflection doesn't matter.
-Do you have a cure for space crabs?
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-That's quite a case.
-How'd you like to fool around with a tight end?
[ laughter ]
-Aren't we supposed to circle uranus?
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-Points for everyone.
Although we've learned watching this game
That, much like size, inflection does not matter.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to play a game
Entitled "doo-wop."
This game is for ryan, wayne, and colin
With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.
Come on down.
What I need from our audience is a category of food.
What's a category of food? A type of food.
[ shouting suggestions ]
Alright, lots of good stuff, including some non-food items.
We're going to go with meat.
-Meat? -Yes. Meat.
-Meat? -Just a nice general category.
You can put -- you can do anything you like with that.
Ryan, it's wide open. -Meat?
-No? Do you not --
-[ deep voice ] no, I love meat.
-So what I need now is a suggestion of a woman's name.
What's a woman's name?
[ shouting suggestions ]
Okay, alright. Debbie. Debbie.
Now, the way this game works is that you three
Are going to sing like a doo-wop group from the '50s,
But you're going to sing about debbie,
Who died tragically in a meat-related accident.
♪♪
[ all doo-wop vocalizing ]
♪♪
-♪ oh, debbie, debbie, oh, how I cried ♪
♪ 'cause because of meat, debbie, she died ♪
♪ debbie, she's gone, who's gonna miss her? This guy ♪
♪ she passed away, she choked on my rib-eye ♪
-♪ oh, debbie, oh, debbie she was such a thrill ♪
♪ until that day that I just happened ♪
♪ to throw her on the grill ♪
[ laughter ]
-[ doo-wop vocalizing ]
-♪ oh ♪ -here we go!
♪ oh, debbie, oh, debbie, she was a thrill ♪
♪ until that day she happened to fall upon the grill ♪
♪ she just did it on a dare ♪
♪ oh, debbie was medium rare ♪
-[ doo-wop vocalizing ]
-Oh, debbie, you're the one I adore.
I can't believe we'll never make love anymore.
Oh, now you're died, I'm all alone.
I'm really going to miss you sitting on my t-bone.
-♪ oh, debbie, she's gone, way beyond reasoning ♪
♪ oh, debbie, dog-gone, you gonna miss my seasoning ♪
♪ oh, debbie, just -- we could have a lot of fun ♪
♪ because she liked it well done ♪
-My seasoning. [ laughs ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-I-I don't know why I thought
That was going to go any differently.
-Yeah. -A meat accident?
-Next up, my friends, is a game entitled "scenes from a hat."
[ cheers and applause ]
This all four of our performers. Come on down.
Ryan and colin are there. Wayne and greg are here.
Now, before the show,
We asked our audience to write down sketches
They'd like to see acted out by our performers.
I've got the idea for those sketches in here. Here we go.
"kids tv characters that never took off."
[ laughter ]
-[ deep voice ] hey, kids, it's me, uncle lorenzo.
Welcome to the uncle lorenzo happy hour.
[ buzzer ]
Now, what I want y'all to do is go in your mama room
And get that purse for me real quick.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer, laughter ]
[ normal voice ] I-I have deep seated issues
I need to work out.
-You need a hug. [ laughs ]
-Hey, kids, it's me, squiggly,
The blocked intestine.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
-♪ it's mixing bourbon time, it's mixing bourbon time ♪
♪ it's mixing bourbon time ♪
[ laughter ]
-Hey, kid,
It's uncle lorenzo again.
I'd like everybody to put your hands together
And welcome your brand-new auntie, jasmine.
[ imitates door creaking ]
Hey, it's me jasmine.
You got to hurry up and clap,
'cause I'm only gon' be here for about a half hour.
For $50, I'm just gon' be here for a half hour.
[ laughter ]
-"if all american sports were played drunk."
[ laughter ]
-24.
[ groans softly ]
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-Yeah.
[ laughter, applause ]
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
[ laughing ] what is it?
[ buzzer ]
-[ sputtering ]
-Okay, guys, don't move,
There's more "whose line" coming up
Straight after the break.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
And we are going to play a game now entitled "whose line."
This is a game for ryan and colin.
Gentlemen, come on down.
Now, before the show, we asked the audience
To write down some random line suggestions.
We've got them here.
Colin, those are yours. Ryan, those are yours.
Pull them out during the scene at your leisure
And use them in whatever way you would like.
And here is the scene you are acting out.
Colin, you are the puppet maker geppetto.
Ryan is your wooden boy, pinocchio, so very desperate
To be a real boy, and so very close
To how you actually are in real life.
Enjoy.
-[ crying ]
-Hey, pinoke, what's wrong?
-Hi, geppetto.
-Sorry I ran out of wood.
[ laughter ]
-I just wanted to be a real boy,
And now you've left me here on the floor.
-Oh. Well, you got legs. Stand up.
-Oh, you never told me that, geppetto.
-Well, I don't have to tell you everything.
Part of being a real boy
Is going out and learning things for yourself.
-No, I just learn from you.
You're such -- full of such wise things to say,
Like when you woke me up this morning
And said, "I'm pregnant. It's yours."
-Yes. I did say that. Because there was a point --
-But how is that possible, geppetto?
-Because I'm geppetta.
-Geppetta?
-I am pregnant, and I-I can't take the baby,
So I'm giving it to you.
-That doesn't make any sense at all.
-Yes. I'm not good with responsibilities.
I made a boy out of wood.
-I can't handle responsibilities like that.
-Listen, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.
Listen to me. -I'm listening.
-I woke up naked in a dumpster. -I know.
-And that's where I got the idea to make you.
Because right next to me were some old crates.
-You mean I'm made of old crates, geppetto?
-Well, the -- if you're going to look at it in a negative light.
Do you think about the wonder
That you're a wooden boy who's alive?
-♪ I'm a wooden boy who's alive ♪
♪ your face looks like a butt ♪
[ laughter ]
How does that feel?
And I put it in a song for you!
-Yeah! When did this become a musical?
-I don't know. I'm made of wood. I'm just a boy made of wood.
-Listen, stop with the "made of wood" thing.
What's inside is important.
Sure, there's more wood.
-Are you saying I have a heart of wood?
-Yes. Many people don't have hearts at all.
They're cold and emotionless.
But you have emotions. You feel for other people.
-That's true. -Remember when you saw
That little dog that didn't have any food?
-Yesterday I saw that dog.
-And you walked -- and this moment broke my heart.
-I know. -When you woke up,
And you looked in his little brown eyes,
And you said, "ooh, that's a smell I'll never forget."
[ laughter, applause ]
-[bleep] all over the sidewalk.
-Yes. And we scraped it up with your foot.
-I know, with my wooden foot.
-See? Even though you're wood, you're good for stuff.
-And I did help that dog out.
-Yes, and you helped that drowning family
When we threw you in the water,
And they clung to you, and you came to shore.
-Remember they called me bob? -Yeah.
[ buzzer ]
-Oh, my god.
I don't really know how to talk about that last bit.
So I'll -- I'll just give you each one giant wooden nickel.
-Ooh.
-You can spend it at the wooden store on wooden underpants.
[ laughter ]
-I'll feel "knotty." [naughty]
-Next up, my friends, is a game entitled "hoedown."
This game is for all of our performers
With the help of laura hall at the piano.
What I need from our audience
Is a suggestion for a type of emergency service.
Who is someone that you call in an emergency?
[ shouting suggestions ]
Yes, okay, yes. Well, we're going to go with something
That's real and not imaginary, "ghostbuster" fans.
So we've got fireman.
So, we are going to hear the fireman hoedown.
♪♪
[ audience clapping rhythmically ]
-Being a fireman is cool 'cause I get a lot of action.
Just like the rolling stones, I get satisfaction.
But I caught something, and now it's persistent.
I'm a fireman. I wish that my drawers were flame-resistant.
[ laughter ]
-♪ oh, I am not a policeman, I'm not an emt ♪
♪ I'm simply a fireman, as simple as can be ♪
♪ and when your house is burning, I'm the guy you call ♪
♪ but don't call too late 'cause I have no [bleep] joke here ♪
[ laughter ]
So close.
-Oh, my god.
-♪ the house, it was a fire, they called me on the phone ♪
♪ I jumped into my wagon and road as fast as I...Cone ♪
[ laughter ]
♪♪
♪ when I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to be ♪
♪ I wanted to put out fires and save kittens from trees ♪
♪ and then I grew up so big and so big and strong ♪
♪ I'm not just a fireman, I'm a fire dong ♪
[ laughter ]
♪♪
-[ laughing ] he's a fire dong.
♪♪
-♪ I am a fireman, I put out fires all day ♪
♪ it really makes me happy whether in June or may ♪
♪ it is really happy, I do it sober or [bleep] ♪
♪ I am happy, I'm also an arsonist ♪
[ laughter ]
♪♪
-♪ I am a fireman, I love to hang around ♪
♪ I have a feeling we'll be singing one more hoedown ♪
♪ had a song, I haven't a rhyme, it's not very sweet ♪
♪ but at least we're not singing ♪
♪ another song about [bleep] meat ♪
-♪ a song about [bleep] meat ♪ -♪ a song about [bleep] meat ♪
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-Hey, everybody, don't move there's more "whose line"
Coming right after this. Stick around.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
We're going to keep things moving
With a game entitled "greatest hits."
This is a game for ryan, colin, and wayne with the help
Of the lovely and talented laura hall and linda taylor.
The way this game works is that ryan and colin
Are tv voiceover artists
Talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne is going to sing snippets of the songs on that album,
And so what I need is a suggestion
From the audience here of a job where you work with animals.
What's a job where you work with animals?
[ shouting suggestions ]
Okay, yeah, that's good. There's lots of good things
And a smattering of enthusiasm.
We're going to go with farmer.
Alright, so the name of your album
Is "songs of the farmer." take it away.
-Hi, we'll be right back to our shakespearean porn,
"much ado about humpin'," in just a second, but --
Hey, what are you doing, ryan?
-Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention to you.
I was just playing with my hands.
-Oh, well, that reminds me, that looks like a farmer.
-Wait a minute. It did look like I was milking a cow,
Didn't it? -Yeah.
[ laughter ]
-[ scatting ] see what I was doing there?
-No, I wasn't really sure. -I tapped you out of that joke.
It put a -- put a punch line in that joke.
-Wow, it's like you're tap-dancing.
-Yeah. Oh, tap-dancing, that's a great music style.
-Really?
Oh, yeah, me and the wife used to get really romantic
Under the style of tap dance. -Oh, me, too.
And one of my favorite tap dance songs of all time
Is that one that you wake up to in the morning,
"hens in the coop."
♪♪
-♪ there's a hen in the coop ♪
♪ thank goodness that it isn't a fox ♪
♪ there's a hen in the coop ♪
♪ which really is a prison in a box ♪
♪ because I'm thinking it couldn't be better ♪
♪ lookit, those prisoners all have feathers ♪
♪ that is right, you cannot beg ♪
♪ push, push, she got to give eggs 'cause there are ♪
[ pre-recorded shoes tapping ]
[ laughing ] ♪ hens in the coop ♪
♪ hens in the coop, oh ♪
♪ where them hens at? ♪
♪ somebody tell me ♪
♪ we got the hens in the coop, boop, boop ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
-Wow. -I put my finger up there!
-Not one camera on his feet. What a shame.
[ laughter ]
-You know, throughout musical history, there have been --
-That's a long time.
-Thank you for the support.
There are many, many artists who have managed
To get through their fame using only one name.
-Name -- oh, okay. I was going to say name two,
But you can't if there's -- -there's cher.
-Yeah. -There -- bono.
-Yes. -But one of them...
-Jim.
[ laughter ]
-Alright, stop helping now.
But of course one of the most popular of recent times
Is adele.
-Adele.
-But just sit back to this great adele song,
"milking with cold hands."
♪♪
-Moo.
♪ there is something wrong way down here ♪
♪ I'm feeling it's the time of the year ♪
♪ I'm just a cow, I'm out here mooing ♪
♪ and I don't know exactly what that farmer is doing ♪
♪ moo ♪
♪ and I don't understand ♪
♪ you're milking with cold hands ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ why don't you show me love? ♪
♪ you could have worn a glove, glove, glove ♪
♪ you're milking with cold hands-oo ♪
♪ cold hands-oo ♪
♪ milking with cold hands ♪
♪♪
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-Hey, find out who won our show after this short break.
There's more "whose line" right after this.
-Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
That's our show tonight. You are all winners to me.
So I'd like you to read out the credits
As if you're all aisha -- that's me --
Weir-- my weirdest fans approaching me at a convention.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
♪♪
-Aisha, aisha -oh, this is super cool.
I hope I meet jimmy mulville. -Aisha.
-Oh, hi. Hey, there. Hi. How's it going?
-Hey, what's up? -Hi. So -- oh, you know --
-Will you sign my chest? -I would.
Could you just tell me where the geraldine dowd room is?
'cause I could -- -aisha.
-I only -- I can only sign one chest, though, guys.
-Aisha, will you sign this? -I will -- oh, god.
It's so -- is that formaldehyde I smell?
Dear lord. -Can we take a selfie?
-If I can just -- we can take a selfie. Just --
-Aisha. -We're on the internet!
-We're on the internet. That's great.
-Okay, guys. One photo. One photo.
[ cheers and applause ]