-Good evening, everybody,
And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
On tonight's show,
Master of mayhem wayne brady,
Mistress of delight heather anne campbell,
Maestro of mirth colin mochrie,
And really tall guy -- it's ryan stiles.
And I'm aisha tyler. Let's have some fun!
[ cheers and applause ]
Hey! Hello, there! Welcome!
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" --
The show where everything is made up
And the points do not matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
So let's get started with a game called "hollywood director."
This game is for all four of our performers, so come this way.
The way that this game works is that heather, ryan,
And wayne are going to be acting out a film scene,
And colin's going to be the director who keeps giving
The actors different notes on how to improve the scene.
Now, the scene you guys are acting out
Is that on the african plain,
Hunter ryan is teaching flirty heiress heather --
Whoo-hoo! -- How to shoot.
Suddenly, her husband, wayne, rushes in,
Being chased by a herd of stampeding animals.
Whenever you're ready, take it away.
-This is quite big. -You don't say.
-Here, why don't you take it in your arms,
See how that feels to you?
Oh, my god, joyce, I've missed you so much.
It's been so lonely here in the serengeti.
-Where do you want me to point it?
-Mm.
[ laughter, applause ]
Point it in the direction of the thing you wish to slay.
-Darling! Darling! Darling! Darling, I --
What the -- how you -- what the, with the gun and the -- what?
Aah! No time now!
-What is it? -What is it?
-[ grunting ]
[ trumpeting ]
-You know -- -[ howls ]
[ laughing ]
Hyena.
-What are you saying -- there's animals coming?
-We're being stampeded, and you're cheating.
-Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
[ imitating explosions ]
This entire area is booby-crapped!
[ laughter ]
You guys are awful!
Alright, do it like this.
Do it like you're all possessed! -Oh!
-Yeah, that'll give you some passion!
Cut! No, action!
[ laughter ]
-[ shrieking ]
-[ speaking gibberish ]
I want you to take the gun.
-[ slurps, snarls ]
[ slurps ]
-[ chuckles ]
[ laughter, applause ]
It didn't seem that bad. You just licked the gun.
-♪ da da ♪
♪ da da da da da ♪
[ shrieks ]
♪ da da ♪
[ deep voice ] I have come from a plane
That is ascendant upon the mortal realms.
You shall be the one that I take as my concubine.
I shall go forth and spread the --
[ normal voice ] honey, how ya doin'?
[ deep voice ] arr-raa-ren! -Oh, my god!
-Until the time when the conflict comes and --
[ normal voice ] what? -Back!
[ laughter, applause ]
-Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
[ laughter, cheers and applause ]
-What we do wrong? -I didn't get it on your coat!
-No, but it felt good! -Alright, listen up!
Do it like you're guests on a trashy daytime talk show!
[ laughter ]
-Joyce, the tests have come back.
This is your gun!
-How is this possible? Were you lying to me?
-Hey!
-Were you lying to me this whole time?
-Don't accuse me! You don't know nothin' about me!
Don't even go there!
-Oh, tell me where I should point it!
-Oh, and welcome!
-This is your baby!
-Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Cut.
[ laughter, cheers and applause ]
Get out of here, gerald!
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-[ laughs ] -yes?
Do you want to share it with the class?
-Colin was making me laugh.
[ laughter ]
-Are we supposed to make wayne laugh?
-Yeah! It's just --
-I've been doing it to these people!
-Next up, my friends, is a game called "scenes from a hat."
This is for all four of our performers.
Come on down. Ryan and colin are there,
Wayne and heather are here. Now, before the show,
We asked our audience to write down scenes
They wanted to see acted out by our performers.
I've got those suggestions in this hat.
I'm going to read them out, and we're going to see
How many awesome things our team can come up with.
If you're ready?
Things you wouldn't hear on a tv makeover show.
-Impossible!
Go home!
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter, applause ]
-And now, after the makeover, it's leanne.
-I want my money back.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter, applause ]
-We gonna knock this wall down,
We gotta put in some new floors.
Gonna fix them cabinet --
Oh.
It's for a face?
[ laughter ]
We gonna this wall down,
Gotta put it --
[ buzzer ]
[ scattered cheers ]
-[ chuckling ] I'm sorry. We only do humans.
[ audience groans ]
[ buzzer ]
Wow. Bring back bad memories for some of you?
[ chuckles nervously ]
-Sensitive group.
[ laughs ]
The dating videos of nursery-rhyme characters.
-Mary had a little lamb, but now she wants a big one.
[ laughter ]
-I liked that!
[ buzzer ]
-Hi, my name is goldilocks,
And I think I'm just looking for a, you know, guy not too big,
Not too small, but just right.
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-I'm the old lady who lived in a shoe.
I'm looking for a woman.
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-[ dopily ] I'm simple simon.
Um...
I'm simple simon.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter, cheers and applause ]
-I'm humpty-dumpty.
I'm an egg.
And I vibrate.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-Unlikely subjects to be taught in school.
[ laughter ]
-Hello, class, and welcome to [bleep] cupping 101.
Now, for those of you that signed up for this class,
The next six weeks will be an amazing journey
Into [bleep] cupping!
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-No!
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-This technique is called matthew mcconaughey.
-Alright, alright, alright!
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-[ laughs ]
-We're way too comfortable with each other.
[ laughter ]
-I hope you're happy.
-I've had worse days.
[ laughter ]
-If bad news were delivered in song.
[ light laughter ]
-♪ jingle bells, jingle bells, I just hit your dog ♪
-Ohh.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter, applause ]
♪ there's blood ♪
♪ in your stool ♪
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-♪ the baby's yoooooours ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
-♪ I thought you said, "bad news" ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ put on "the golden girls" ♪
♪ so I can get an erection ♪
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
[ cheers and applause ]
-Don't go anywhere!
There's more "whose line is it anyway?" coming to you
Right after these messages!
Stay where you are.
♪♪
-Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" --
Where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
Now we play a game called "party quirks."
In this game, heather is hosting the party,
And wayne, colin, and ryan are her guests,
But each of them will have
A rather strange quirk or identity.
So what heather has to do is guess what those quirks are
During the course of her party.
So, wayne, colin, and ryan,
If you're ready, line up over there.
I'll bring you in one at a time with the doorbell.
And whenever you are ready, heather, start the party.
-[ sighs ] I'm so excited for my lan party.
Tortilla chips with cheese. Oh, this is so great!
[ doorbell rings ] oh, oh, my first guest!
Hi!
-[ as yoda ] hmm, relieve I must!
[ laughter ]
-Sorry? Oh, I -- you're the --
-Hmm. Hmm!
-Uh, do you -- -hmm!
-Do you need the bathroom?
-Ding, ding! -Oh, hold on.
There's somebody else. [ doorbell rings ]
Hello. -[ growling as chewbacca ]
[ laughter ]
-You guys stay here. I think somebody's at the --
[ doorbell rings ] yep.
Hi.
-[ as jar jar binks ] yowza, yowza! Gots to go!
-No! No! No! No!
No! No!
No!
[ doorbell rings ]
Hello?
-Hello. Nice to meet you. Lando calrissian. Pleasure,
-Would you like to have some chips or some soda?
We're going to have a great lan party.
-I got to go to cloud city.
[ doorbell rings ] -oh, goodness.
There's somebody else at the door.
Hello! -Hi. How are you?
-I'm okay. -Good, good.
-How are you? -I'm very fine.
I'm glad you called me.
-Okay. I-I love you. -Ohh-ho!
-You're one of my favorite friends.
What are you -- oh. -Alright, do you feel that?
-Yeah, I can feel that. -Oh, my god! Mmm!
Aah! -What?
-Oh, no!
It's over!
-What do you mean, it's over? -Oh!
-The party just started!
[ laughter ]
-[ growling as chewbacca ]
[ doorbell rings ]
-Uh, hold on. There's somebody else at the door.
-Hey, heather. -Hi!
-I brought you a cheese ball. -[ laughing ] thank you!
-I'll put it on the table.
-Uh, oh. Oh.
Shall I get -- -ugh!
-And... -Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
-What happened?
-Oh, right on my foot -- the cheese ball!
-Out of the way! -Ow!
-Oh! Nirvana! -Ow!
[ laughter, cheers and applause ]
[ laughing ] ow!
-Are -- are you -- -oh, my god!
Oh, my god, it's like two logs!
-[ grunting ]
♪ der-der-der-der der-der der♪
Ohhhhhh!
Ohh! Ohh!
[ laughing ] what an odd position to land in!
-Bloop, bloo-boo-boo, boo-bip!
B-r-r-r!
[ high-pitched voice ] oh, I've got to go!
You are our only hope! You are our only hope!
Tss, tss, tss, tss! Bip-bip-bip, bip-bip-bip!
-R2, if you and the rest of the "star wars" characters
Need to go to the bathroom, why don't you just go?
[ buzzer ] [ cheers and applause ]
And he's gone like that!
-A fruit plate! -Yeah, a fruit plate!
Oh, stay down, stay down!
-Aaaah! Gaaah, right in the neck!
Oh, that's okay. I'm bleeding a little.
-Oh, I think this -- -perhaps we can -- a six-some!
-What? -No, no, no, no!
-You are, as far as I can tell,
A podiatrist who simultaneously has a foot fetish
But is disgusted by feet.
-I'm taking that, yeah. -Really?
[ buzzer ] -I'm taking it.
-Oh, you're serving sushi? -Yeah.
-I want chopsticks. -Okay. Do you want it all?
-Ow! God, I poked myself in the leg with a chopstick!
-Why?! Why would you do that?! -'cause it hurts!
[ laughter ]
-You are a masochistic olympian?
-Why not? Why not? -That's close.
[ buzzer ] [ laughter ]
-I wanna know. What was that?
-Why not? -I don't know.
-First of all, heather, you nailed wayne.
Well, I mean, metaphorically.
[ cheers and applause ]
-Shh! -Who hasn't?
-I don't know how you were ever going to guess ryan's.
But I'll tell you where everybody went wrong.
You needed to get hit in the nuts.
That's how you know it's a blooper reel,
When the guy gets hit in the junk.
That's always how it is.
-Is that an offer?
[ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] -hey, don't move!
There's more "whose line" coming at you right after this break!
Stay tuned!
♪♪
[ cheers and applause ]
-Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
We're going to move on to a game now called "greatest hits."
This is a game for ryan, colin, and wayne,
With the help of laura hall and linda taylor
On piano and guitar.
Come on down, gentlemen.
The way that this game works
Is ryan and colin are two television salesmen
Talking about the latest compilation album,
And wayne is going to sing snippets
Of the songs on that album.
And so what I need is a suggestion from the audience
Of a job that involves a car.
What's a job that you might have
Where you have to work with or on a car?
[ shouting suggestions ]
Okay. Alright. How about a car mechanic?
This album is going to be entitled
"songs of the car mechanic." take it away.
-Hi! [ coughs ]
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
-Why do you eat before we try to sell our cd sets?
-I have something stuck in my throat.
-Some people can't eat because we can't sell our cd sets.
-That makes no sense at all.
[ laughter ]
-Rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr, rrr!
-I'm afraid to ask. What are you doing?
-I'm getting my lug nuts off.
'cause that's what mechanics do.
And we have a cd selection all about the mechanic.
-Oh!
Anyway, so many great songs that we --
-Roooo!
-Well, that wasn't disturbing at all.
-It was like a cow laying on its side.
-One of the great artists --
Again, great artists, ed sheeran,
A great british singer -- -ed sheeran?!
[ laughter ]
-Oh. I thought you were going to add on to that, but --
-No, no, I just -- I just had, like, a little thought,
"where's ed?" "oh, he's down with the sheep."
"what's ed doing?" "he's --ed's shearin'."
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
-So, ed sheeran. And one of the great songs on this album,
It's one of my personal favorite --
"gps, internet, everything but a damn engine."
[ mid-tempo rock music playing ]
-Thank you.
[ music continues ]
-[ british accent ] ♪ look at this car ♪
♪ right here, I see ♪
♪ lookit, it's lookin' right back at me ♪
♪ it has everything that on my tv screen ♪
♪ but it's one of the best I ever seen ♪
♪ it's got gps and a telly ♪
♪ people and the food in my belly ♪
♪ it's got everything you would want in a car so far ♪
♪ but it's got, because it's got a gps ♪
♪ and a ♪
-Internet.
♪ all the [bleep] too ♪
♪ it's got everything you want, too ♪
♪ oh-oh, well, uh ♪
♪ well, I came into the shop, she dropped the car off ♪
♪ she was looking at me, and I, ahem, coughed ♪
♪ I said, "'scuse me, ma'am, and if you please" ♪
♪ "would you mind and just give me the keys?" ♪
♪ a fancy car, the outside was shining ♪
♪ it was the car and the car to remind me ♪
♪ chassis tight, and the wheels was rimmed in chrome ♪
♪ because I wouldn't leave it alone ♪
♪ it was a chinese job or maybe japanese ♪
♪ it's the kind of car that would bring me to my knees ♪
♪ when I looked inside, master sills ♪
♪ because I'm looking at you, what can I do? ♪
♪ the thing is crappy, but, yes, I see ♪
♪ it's got a gps, and it's looking at me ♪
♪ beep, beep, yes, one for the show ♪
♪ beep, beep, two, it's telling where to go ♪
♪ beep, beep, look, tv in the dash ♪
♪ boop, boop, ooh, seat heater for my ass ♪
♪ and, see, this is how it can be ♪
♪ because this has got gps ♪
♪ gps ♪
[ song ends, cheers and applause ]
[ normal voice ] I don't even know what I said.
-That was a damn long title, though.
You don't make it easy on a singer!
-On a what? -Singer!
-On a singer! -Oh!
[ laughter ]
-It wasn't even close!
[ laughter, applause ]
-Remember the last century,
When you couldn't interact with the cds?
-Right, but now you can because there's a book with it.
-It's a brand-new time! -Yes!
-One of the new artists on this is someone completely new,
Never been recorded ever before, and why?
-So how will we know who he is? -Well, first of all,
It's not a he, it's a she.
-A she? -It's my aunt sheila!
-Aunt sheila?! -She got drunk at a wedding,
And I recorded her singing a song!
-I've heard her sing before! -Oh, she's wonderful!
-Oh, my god! -Especially when she's drunk.
She gets this nice, low vibrato thing
And it sounds good.
So sit back and listen
To my aunt sheila's rendition
Of "this damn seat ain't adjustable."
[ mid-tempo blues music playing ]
-♪ and he-he-he-hello ♪
♪ I got in your car ♪
♪ 'cause you said you'd take me to the store ♪
♪ and I got in your car ♪
Does this adjust? Oh, no space? No, no more?
♪ who buys? You always buy foreign ♪
♪ can't shut the friggin' door, and ♪
♪ I have to adjust my seat ♪
♪ oh, you can't trust a man ♪
♪ who won't adjust a seat for you ♪
♪ he'll never love and he'll never adore you ♪
♪ he'll never open the door ♪
♪ when it's cold outsiiiide ♪
♪ he'll make you do the thing with the stick ♪
♪ and it just gets stuck and ♪
♪ because that is a [crying] ♪
[ singing gibberish ]
♪ stop ♪
[ slurps ]
♪ adjust the seat ♪
♪ seatbelts hold my boobs up ♪
[ laughter ]
♪ never trust a man ♪
♪ because, don't you see ♪
♪ if he won't move up ♪
♪ yoooooooooooooour ♪
[ gasps ]
♪ seeeeeeeeeeeat ♪
[ song ends ]
Bastard!
[ cheers and applause ]
-Don't go anywhere. There's more "whose line" coming at you
Right after these messages!
Stay put!
♪♪
-Hey, there. Welcome back to whose line is it anyway?"
That is our show.
Tonight's winners are colin mochrie
And heather anne campbell,
So I would like you guys to read out the credits
As if you are a panicking couple
Trying to escape killer robots ryan and wayne.
Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.
-What does this? -Did you hear that? There's --
I heard the anchor, dan patterson,
Say there was killer robots!
-I can't believe it! I need an executive producer
To get me out of this cave!
-You're the one with martial arts training!
Give him the old danny breen right in the nuts!
-Take a tyler! -Keek!
-Take a brady! -Keek!
-Oh! This one looks like wes thomas is out of range.
-Help! I'm being sideris'd! -Stop, you!
That's the woman I love!
Don't take her! Don't take her!
Let go of her, steve arnett!
-[ laughs ]
-- Captions by vitac --