MICHELLE: Mmm.
Mmm.
Come on.
- Hi. Good morning. - (GROANS) Uh-uh.
Did you say, "Uh-uh?" What... What's wrong?
Where... What's happening?
- BRETT: What's up? - Oh, dude.
So early. No. Why are you...
Sorry, I thought I had a signal.
Sorry. I didn't mean to...
Sorry.
Sleep deprived right now.
- Okay, sorry, my bad. - I'm sorry.
- I misread that, sorry about that. - I'm sorry.
- That's okay. - Okay.
(BRETT GRUNTS)
(BED CREAKING)
Ow! Come on!
- You come on. - Not cool.
Shaking all around.
- Sorry. I'm just... - Come on.
Take it outside.
- I'm sorry, okay? - Take it outside.
And take the baby monitor.
Thank you.
(MAN SHOUTING IN KOREAN)
ALEX: Am I being evicted?
Where's all my shit?
Good Lord.
Brett, I'm getting evicted, literally, right now. I need some serious backup.
Hey! Hey! That's my stuff!
That's... No es bueno!
Uh, get a U-Haul truck, something, I don't know.
I need help stat, all right? I'm sorry to call so early. I love you, dude.
BRETT: All right, buddy, let's get you all fixed up.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
ALEX: Come on!
I think we've had enough of those.
Please, I don't... Don't give me a vegan lecture.
I don't want to hear about a food documentary, okay?
Let me just enjoy this right now.
I'm just trying to help. This is tough-love time.
Give me the fucking donuts.
- You want the donuts? - Yeah, I want the donuts.
All right. You can have them.
Thank...
You just did that right to my face.
- (MUFFLED) Right in your face. - All right.
ALEX: Those are my donuts!
Give me them!
- Give it to me. Give me the bag of... - (GRUNTS)
All right, you see? You're a mess. Look at me.
All right, you got a little bit right here. Just a little bit. All right.
I'm sorry it came to that, but it's for your own good. I love you.
(SIGHS) It's over.
- What's over? - It's... I'm done.
- You're done with what? - I'm going home.
You don't have a home. I have all your...
To my mom's house.
- To Detroit? - Yeah.
The acting thing is not happening, man. It's just... It's fucked.
I'm fat. I'm getting bald. I can't take the rejection anymore.
I can't take skinny, beautiful LA people looking at me like I'm a fucking whale.
I don't think everybody thinks you're a whale, okay?
People look at me, man, they want to fucking harpoon me.
Okay, this is a setback. We've had these. We regroup, and we triumph.
That's what we do.
What are you talking about?
Let me just take you back to 1995.
Senior year, high school, Jesus Christ Superstar.
You died on stage, and you rose from the dead,
and everybody in the audience fucking wept.
You moved them, okay?
Do you know who wasn't weeping in that audience?
Billy Stayson.
He was sitting in the front row doing this...
...the whole time I was dying on the cross.
- Why was he doing that? - Because I shared with him my dream.
I was like, "Dude, I want to go out to Hollywood and become a star."
Uh-huh.
And he said, "If you do that,
"you'll end up sucking dick on Hollywood and Vine."
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
- Back then, I thought he was an asshole. - Mmm-hmm.
But now, in retrospect, he's a fucking prophet.
All right, green smoothie time. We'll set up the couch for you.
- We're getting there. All right. - All right.
BRETT: Um...
Why are you sitting in the driver's seat?
Can I have the keys, please?
No, you may not have the keys.
All my shit's packed up in a U-Haul, man.
What more of a sign do I need? There's nothing for me here.
Look, you don't understand, okay?
I need you here.
I have to go to family day, and be at the beach, and pretend like it's fun.
I don't think you understand.
I know that I'm the cog in the wheel
- that maybe makes beach day better for you, - Yeah.
But I don't think you're seeing anything from my point of view right now.
Alex, what do you want me to say, man?
I need, like...
I need like a day from you, okay?
Will you give me, like, a day?
Just come to family day with us?
SOPHIE: Hi, Daddy! BRETT: Hi, Soph.
- MICHELLE: Hi. Hi, guys. - Hi.
Alex, I'm so sorry about your apartment.
Oh, that's okay, I'm sorry I stole your husband again.
MICHELLE: That's okay.
- Hi, Sophie. - Hi!
(MICHELLE SIGHS)
Do you want to come help with this cooler or something, hon?
Yeah, of course. I'll be right there.
Please. Please, come on.
You got 24 hours.
Yeah!
Where is your sister, by the way? She's still at that guy's house?
Don't ask.
So, um, what exactly is a Scarab boat?
Do you remember the, uh...
- The first season of Miami Vice? - Yeah.
That was a Chris-Craft Stinger 390.
The second season, they started using a Wellcraft Scarab boat.
- That's what I have. - That's awesome.
I'll take you out on it. I mean, not today, but, you know, I'm racing today.
But some other time?
- Seriously? - Yeah, that'd be great.
I would love that!
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
We don't have anything like that in Houston. I mean, we have lakes.
Here the weather's always good and there's just so much stuff to do.
I've been thinking about making the move... The move out west.
I just need a change
and I really need to expand my business.
What do you do?
I wholesale bounce houses.
Ah.
TINA: That'd be fun, right?
I mean, no pressure.
I just been thinking about spending more time with my niece and nephew,
and you, of course.
Yeah, totally.
(CHUCKLES)
So, what time are you gonna come get me?
Of course, yeah. I'll, uh... I'll text you.
Come here, you.
- (HORN HONKING) - MICHELLE: T.T.
TINA: Hey.
Hi.
That's my sister.
- Hey. - MICHELLE: Hi.
BRETT: Yo, let's go. TINA: Okay.
Dude, I didn't know you were coming. That's so awesome. What's up?
How are you?
What's happening?
I'm so psyched! The last time I saw you was the wedding.
Uh, yeah.
Were you as drunk as I was?
No. No, I don't think anyone was as drunk as you were, actually.
I saw you...
I'm in my living room, and there you are, on my TV,
- doing a commercial for... - Heartburn.
You were so funny.
It wasn't supposed to be funny.
What happened to your hair?
Uh, I lost it?
Brett, can we put some music on?
What's up with the bad juju in this car?
Light rock, but loud.
- He's having a bad day. It's fine. - Yeah, he's fine.
Like, once we get him in the ocean, the guy's going to be set.
He's like half-man, half-dolphin.
Hey, you know what I was thinking would be kind of nice?
What's up?
If we take Frank in the ocean, together, for his first time.
Just the two of us.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
- MICHELLE: Do you want to do that? - Totally, we should, yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(FRANK FUSSING)
Hi.
Oh, hey, Alex, that's...
- Can you just move over a tiny bit? - Yeah. Sure.
Thanks.
That's happening.
TINA: Check it out.
ALEX: Wow.
How long you guys been going out?
Um, well, only for... I mean, you know, we met in Houston,
then we spent a few days together,
and then this whole week... You know, I came here...
But, you know, I've been at his place the whole time, so...
Why hasn't he texted you back yet?
TINA: Oh, 'cause he's on a Scarab boat.
It goes so fast, they don't have reception.
Oh, okay.
Can I ask you a question?
If you were a guy...
- "If"? - ...what...
- What? - Huh?
You know what I mean.
What would this outfit say to you?
What do you want it to say?
Well, he's taking me to the airport, we're having dinner before,
so it's... You know, it's, like, a fine line.
But I feel like it should be like, "Oh, the nice girl." You know what I mean?
Just a little bit. So just...
Probably over-thinking it, but, you know...
You nailed it.
Thanks.
(BUZZING)
(MOANS)
Hey, what are you doing?
MICHELLE: What?
- Huh? - (BUZZING STOPS)
What the fuck's going on? Are you jerking off?
- Are you... - Am I what?
- Are you whacking off? - Jerking off? Whacking off?
(WHISPERING) That's... Why do you have to be so gross?
Shh.
(WHISPERING) Fuck. I thought... I thought you were taking a nap in here.
You're having a fucking... A fuckfest by yourself?
- What is this? - I'm sorry! I'm sorry, okay?
- I thought maybe I would take a nap, I just... - (CLICKING)
'Cause, you know, nap time is a little valuable.
I would've liked to have been working out while...
- Okay, I'm sorry. - What... What are you...
- What are you... - I came in here, and I was reading and...
What are you fiddling with under the covers?
What are you... Squirming, and you're playing with your boobs.
- I don't... - I'm not playing... I'm not... I'm... This...
Clothespins?
Why do you have clothespins on your boobs?
I don't know!
You know what? I've been depriving myself of the Internet
in hopes that we can make love at some point.
- Come on! - And you are...
You've not been depriving yourself of the Internet.
The cache is always cleared.
- It is not! - Always clear.
I clear the history because the router has issues for streaming movies.
TINA: (SCREAMING) Oh, my God! MICHELLE: Oh, my God.
BRETT: What is going on? What...
He broke up with me.
Are you fucking kidding me? You're screaming because...
Don't talk to her like that. Shh.
- Tina! - (FRANK CRYING)
MICHELLE: Oh, God. BRETT: Okay.
Can we go outside and talk about this please, Tina?
If you fucking... Don't touch me!
TINA: You don't have to walk me out the door!
- (MICHELLE SHUSHING) - Oh, my God.
Do yourself a favor and don't shush me.
- Will you calm the fuck down... - Whatever you do...
- ...just don't shush me! - ...for one second?
- I will shush you! - No, I can't calm down!
- There are kids in the house... - Oh.
...and I thought that something horrible had happened.
- Something horrible did happen! - And I didn't have any...
He broke up with me! Did you not hear what I just said?
Okay. I didn't know that you guys were going out.
- What did you think we were doing? - It was news to me.
What did you think we were doing?
I thought you were hanging out and having...
You thought we were fuck buddies?
- The reason you think that is because... - Maybe.
...you have no respect for me and you've no respect for my decisions...
- Tina. - ...and you don't take me seriously at all!
You don't even know what's going on with me,
and you don't check in to find out.
Oh, my God, I have been calling you every fucking day and saying,
- "Hey, do you want to come have dinner?" - I'm sorry, I don't wanna spend...
Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?
...my entire week with your married, perfect, little nest...
- Yeah, it's so perfect. - ...of a family.
Do you know what it's like to be dating at my age?
- Okay. - And to not have found anyone at my age?
Do you have any idea what it's like?
It's pathetic. There's nobody left.
I'm just going to end up alone and like a freak like Aunt Edie!
Oh. Oh, Tina...
- (SOBBING) Fuck, I can't believe it. - Oh, Tina!
My God, that's a real thing in your mind?
It's not even possible. Come on.
Oh, honey, you're so beautiful. You're so special.
- I don't care. - You're not old.
I feel so old, dude.
No, you're really not.
- You're perfect. - You have everything, I don't have anything,
and I'm older than you.
Tina. Listen.
Why don't you come out with us tonight?
- What? - Come with me and Brett,
come on date night with us.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please.
Honestly, it sounds like y'all really need your...
Nope. No.
- I don't want to go. - We do not need...
What if I need you to go?
- What are you talking about? - Everything's fine.
- What's the matter? - I can't... I was just discovered.
What are you talking about?
Okay, I was fucking jerking off.
(SNIGGERS) Really?
I don't know how else to put it. I was touching myself.
It all sounds creepy.
He walked in and caught me,
and acted like he walked into the middle of a fucking gangbang,
like I'm doing something so kinky.
I was doing something a little... I had some clothespins. I was...
What?
Forget I said that. It doesn't matter.
Anyway, the point is, he came in, he went crazy.
"Why don't you want to have sex with me?" Because I can't...
It's been very hard for me to...
Wow, okay, so that's, like, a lot you just unloaded on me.
- I'm sorry. - And just consider it done.
I've got your back tonight.
Oh, my God, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I've got your masturbating, fucking slutty back.
(LAUGHING)
- TINA: So, this is date night? - Yeah.
Yup.
What happens after this?
What do you mean?
There's not really an after...
Like, there's a dessert, usually,
and we'll... Sometimes, we'll stay here or we'll go to like, another place too.
Yes, we'll go to Froyo.
BRETT: Yeah, that's good. That's good.
I like frozen yogurt.
MICHELLE: It's so good.
- With the toppings. - MICHELLE: Yeah.
BRETT: How does everybody like the wine?
ALEX: A little too oaky for my tastes.
- BRETT: He is being facetious. - Really.
- ALEX: I'm sending it back. - I'll tell you, I'll take you...
MICHELLE: Oh, Tina, no. BRETT: Whoa, whoa.
- Hey! Who the fuck do you think you are? - Hey.
- Oh, shit. - Who the fuck
- do you think you are? - Okay, Jesus.
You break up with someone over text?
All right, knock it off, can I get my hat back?
You can't get your fucking hat back!
I didn't break up with you, by the way. Okay? I'm not your boyfriend.
Yeah, I know you're not my fucking boyfriend.
- That's not the point. - So, can I have my hat back?
The point is how can you be so fucking rude?
And you should fucking have better manners than that.
And when did you meet her?
Was this today? Did you meet him today?
- Don't answer her, please. - I just want to know.
Did you meet him today? That's all I want to know.
- Okay, this is... This is why... - TINA: What have you...
This is why I did not respond to your thousand calls and your fucking texts!
Because you're batshit crazy, lady!
- Tina Morris! - You're crazy...
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in so long!
- Tina Morris! - What are you doing?
I thought you were still back in the Congo! It's me, it's Alex.
We worked with Priscilla together at the Jane Goodall Institute.
You don't remember? You don't recognize me.
Okay, I've changed. I've lost a little hair.
Here's a little visual aid for you. Do you remember now?
Picture me. I'm in a jungle. There's bananas everywhere.
(ALEX GIBBERING)
(CHUCKLES)
Get away. Get out of here.
Get the fuck... Get away from me!
Brett... (CHUCKLES)
- What are you doing? - You gotta know when to fold 'em,
you gotta know when to kick 'em in the nuts.
Follow me.
- Do you have any more toilet paper? - Yeah, there's more in the back.
Can you get it? All of it?
MAN: Sure. Hey, Bo, go ahead and get the rest of that toilet paper in the back.
Here, eat this.
- I don't... I don't want... - You eat it, it'll make you feel better.
I know shit.
ALEX: Strawberry Hill?
- You know it. - (ALEX LAUGHING)
ALEX: Yeah!
ALEX: Listen up, every motherfucker in this van
is chugging Strawberry Hill, right now,
- or else they get kicked out. - (LAUGHING)
Yes, I'm in.
Dude, I'm driving.
Then get back here and chug before you drive.
- Let's go. I'm not fucking around. - BRETT: All right.
ALEX: Tina, give me your phone, now.
BRETT: Easy, Michelle, easy.
ALEX: Ah. Thank you. BRETT: Here we go.
ALEX: Your music library is insane.
- Oh, that's awful. - TINA: Oh, it's so good.
MICHELLE: No, it's gonna be amazing.
ALEX: How's that? BRETT: Go ahead, Michelle.
You know it, bitch.
BRETT: Whoa! MICHELLE: Mmm.
(YOUTH GONE WILD PLAYING)
Oh, yeah.
BRETT: Ooh! Whoa!
MICHELLE: I'm gonna snarf.
BRETT: That's dirty. ALEX: Shut up.
TINA: Rebel!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
They look like they're having so much fun.
Yeah, they do.
I have something I need to get off my chest.
I'm not sure you're going to like it.
(BELCHING)
What... Wow!
I told you.
- Oh, shit, car. - MICHELLE: Car!
Car! Go, go!
Oh!
ALEX: Go, go, go, go!
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
Come on! Over here!
- Is it safe? - ALEX: All clear.
(TINA GROANING)
(TINA SCREAMS)
ALEX: I wonder what that douchebag's face looks like now.
- MICHELLE: He is not gonna like it. - I know, it's, like, um, confusion...
- MICHELLE: Mmm-mmm. - A little bit of fear.
ALEX: Jesus, this foot stinks. TINA: Blow me, dude.
ALEX: Oh, shit.
BRETT: So much gluten in this taco.
ALEX: There's no gluten in there, dude.
MICHELLE: It's delicious.
You guys, I don't want to be the party-pooper,
but if we're going to get to the airport on time, Tina, for your flight,
we gotta get moving.
Boo.
Mmm.
I'm not going.
I just...
I really am done with Houston.
I just gotta keep moving forward.
Would y'all mind if I stayed with you for a little longer?
They seem really excited.
- MICHELLE: Mmm-mmm. - No, of course.
- Of course you can stay. You're family. - Mmm.
Whoo!
All right, come on, lady. This way.
- Here's our room. - Oh.
- Hi, bed. - You got this.
- Yeah, I just... - Put that whole thing down there.
I'm just tired.
- Totally. - I'm, like, a little...
- That wine is a little much, but... - Yup.
- These honkin' shoes. - (SIGHS)
- All right, sit up for a second, hold this. - Oh.
You're gonna be really happy about this in the morning.
- Here you go. - Oh, so smart.
- You got it? - Mmm.
- Yeah. - All right.
- Lay it down, lady. - Thank you for thinking about that.
- Let it all go. It's all over. - (SIGHS)
Thank you. Oh, you're such a good husband.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?
I don't know.
TINA: Hey.
Nice.
Oreos.
Where'd you find these?
What is your plan?
- After I eat these Oreos? Or before? - Yes.
Oh, what I meant was are you leaving tomorrow?
I don't know yet.
Well, are you gonna fucking decide?
It's tomorrow.
Why... Why do you... Why so many questions?
- I don't... - No, no, I was just curious,
you know, what the... You know...
How long the living arrangements are gonna be...
- ...like so. Because, you know... - Oh! Oh, oh, I see.
- It's like... - I see. You're trying to edge me out.
No, I just think that you know, it's...
Like, when I stay somewhere I like to have, you know, like, my stuff, and my space.
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm. - You know.
I can't sleep with just any circumstances. I need it to be quiet. I need it to be dark.
- You know, I need things... - Wait, you need it to be quiet?
- Well... - Uh-oh.
Do you know what a deviated septum is?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna be fine. This is what it's gonna be like.
(SNORING LOUDLY)
Honestly, I don't think that's funny at all.
That's real.
Well, why don't you get an operation or something?
Get a hotel room. It's easy.
I'm not gonna get... I'm her sister.
It, like, makes sense that I sleep here. You get a hotel room.
I have no money.
Well, that's pathetic.
Are you kidding? I know. It's horrible.
I have no money. I'm just saying...
This is so awesome. I really just...
My life is so abundantly full of blessings and gifts and joys.
We're gonna have a blast. We're going to be roomies!
You were supposed to leave for Detroit.
We're gonna, like, share stuff, like...
Like stories, first of all.
We're gonna share stories, uh, sweatshirts.
Maybe not that one.
- No. Nope. - Underwear, socks.
Even share cookies.
Cookies.
Don't come near me. Don't.
(SINGING) Here's the little cookie
Don't.
Here's a little cookie
I'm not gonna eat that cookie.
Open up your mouthie...
Get your fucking stubby, fat hands away from me...
Eat the cookie Eat the little cookie
...(CHUCKLING) 'cause I'll fucking kill you in a minute.
Eat the little cookie
There we go!
- God. - Good, and touchdown!
Houston Cougars, seven points.
Actually, six points. It'll be seven with the extra point.
Somebody get me a revolver.
(NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN PLAYING)