1
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,086
(SCREECHES)

2
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:41,961
(ROARS)

3
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,080
Greetings, Muggles.

4
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,608
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, my fucking God. He fell for it.

5
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:26,807
I told you he would.

6
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,962
It's not really
fancy dress, you dick.

7
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,690
Oh, what? No way!

8
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,446
These are the jokers from my
course I was telling you about.

9
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,082
You lot. Technically, I didn't fall for it
as there was no way I could have known.

10
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,402
- Whoa. Where d'you think you're going?
- Into the party.

11
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,449
You're dressed like Harry Potter.

12
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,967
There's no way you're coming
in here, you fucking plum.

13
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,804
You could have come as someone sexy.

14
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,691
- Hermione's sexy.
- (GIGGLES)

15
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,804
What a twat.

16
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:52,721
Mental.

17
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,041
Guys?

18
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:56,926
Guys?

19
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,128
Oh, piss off, Harry.

20
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,050
Well, this is a disaster.
I've come down from Sheffield for this?

21
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,964
It's OK. We'll still
have a good weekend.

22
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:06,884
There's a pub I love
just down the road.

23
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,280
I'm wearing a gym skirt.

24
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,807
It's a student town.
No one will care.

25
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,724
- And no pants.
- Righto.

26
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,244
Oi, Si. Nudgies.

27
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,846
- What the fuck?
- Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

28
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,609
Fuck me. What a waste of a weekend.

29
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,967
I thought you said they were
your best mates at uni.

30
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:25,565
- Yeah.
- I'll find us some mates.

31
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,929
I've got this amazing app called Grindr.
Made loads of new mates through it.

32
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,560
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what.

33
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,644
- Someone's sent you a penis shot?
- Nah, I just got an email from Jay.

34
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,643
- No way.
- Way. Listen to this.

35
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,723
"Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..."

36
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,848
As you know, I am on
a mental gap year,

37
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,126
in Australia.

38
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,490
- Or outback...
- (GIGGLING)

39
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:46,641
...as they say over here.

40
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,007
So I thought I'd email you,
not because I miss you lot

41
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,323
but because this place is a million
out of ten and you'll be well jel.

42
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,482
Life has never been better.

43
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,246
It's much better than when I was going out
with Jane, who I now no longer think about.

44
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,004
I'm living near a town called Sydney

45
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,767
and working at the most mental club
in Australia called Revolutions.

46
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,604
I am now their premier
number one DJ...

47
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,762
Good evening, ladies!

48
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,287
...going by the name of DJ Big Penis,

49
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,488
which everyone agrees
is the perfect name.

50
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,687
(UNZIPS)

51
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,729
(CHEERING)

52
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:20,882
(♪ DAFT PUNK: GET LUCKY [RADIO EDIT])

53
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,125
I've made so much cashola,
which is Australian for money,

54
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,251
that I've bought myself a fuck-off
mansion and filled it full of pussay.

55
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,165
And like Will's mum's appetite
for cock, it's enormous.

56
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,005
Before that, I was living with
Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,

57
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,891
although he is tragic and
obviously not as cool as my dad.

58
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,330
- What's that?
- (LAUGHTER)

59
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,922
Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you
the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,

60
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,082
which is Australian for knobbing.

61
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,526
- (BELL)
- Yes!

62
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,045
(GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT)

63
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,090
They're total filth and
fuck like kangaroos,

64
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,447
all big teeth,
bouncing and wet pouches.

65
00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:00,526
I make love to them with a technique
I like to call the one-pump orgasm.

66
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,203
- (CRIES OUT IN ECSTASY)
- They absolutely love it.

67
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,124
Name an Aussie bird
and I've fucked her.

68
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,691
Elle Macpherson: check.

69
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,808
Dame Edna Everage: check.

70
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,610
Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?

71
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,047
I'd done that ten minutes
after getting off the plane.

72
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,443
And mates? I've made loads of cool
new mates who come round for dinner.

73
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,602
But really it's all about the birds.

74
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,882
Aussie sheilas just can't get enough
of Jay, especially the supermodels,

75
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,407
who, by the way,
love it up the shitter.

76
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,162
I've been woken up by a blowjob from
a different girl every single morning.

77
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,291
You can imagine what that's like,
waking up every morning to a blowie.

78
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,889
<i>♪ What is this I'm feeling?</i>

79
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,371
They keep it so clean.

80
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,170
I haven't had to wash
my cock in weeks.

81
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,721
Basically, everything's better
than when I was with Jane,

82
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,723
who, as I mentioned,
I no longer think about.

83
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,008
- <i>♪ We've come too far...</i>
- (WHIMPERS)

84
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,242
<i>♪ To give up who we are</i>

85
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,801
On the minus side, I've had to
punch out a few koala bears,

86
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,043
normally when they drop out of
the trees and try to fight me.

87
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,410
Mug! Have it!

88
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,525
But other than that, it's been bonza,
which is Australian for fucking brilliant.

89
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,011
Come and stay any time you like.

90
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,130
I guarantee I'll get you sucked
drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

91
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,567
Say hello to those other two
dozy pricks if you see them.

92
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,848
Tell your bent dad
he still can't bum me.

93
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,684
<i>- ♪ We're up all night for good fun</i>
- Oh.

94
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,604
And tell your fit sister
that I'd like to...

95
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,524
- Oh, no, come on.
- What does it say?

96
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,241
(SIGHS) "I'd like to chew on those
massive juicy burger nipples of hers,

97
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,845
reach my thumb round and..."

98
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,161
Oh, no, it's too much.

99
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,481
Oi, get off!

100
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:30,641
Oi!

101
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,565
- Oh, there's more. "Flip her over..."
- What a lovely email.

102
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,202
"...spoodge down her face, over her back,
clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..."

103
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,407
This goes on a bit.

104
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,847
Australia sounds a laugh.
Not like hanging out with you two.

105
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,685
Wish I'd gone to Australia this
weekend instead of shitty Bristol.

106
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,808
You know it's on the
other side of the world?

107
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,122
- Doubt it.
- Excuse me, mate. You're on.

108
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,726
Oh, at last, something decent.

109
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,087
- Is this seat taken?
- Yeah, sorry, it is.

110
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,844
- Have you got any friends at university?
- Of course I have, Simon.

111
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,721
I'm just lucky that I've managed to not
get tied down to a clique or a group.

112
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,724
- I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone.
- Or no one.

113
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,326
You changed universities just
to be with your girlfriend.

114
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,960
I've got mates other than Lucy.
Pete, for one.

115
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,531
- Who's Pete?
- Pete from my halls.

116
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,923
I must have mentioned Pete.
Pete. Pete, my best mate.

117
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,848
- My best mate at uni.
- Hm.

118
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,411
I do spend a lot of time with Lucy.

119
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,847
Although she has changed a
bit since we were on holiday.

120
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,209
And, well, what's the word
when someone's not nicer?

121
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,091
- Nastier?
- Yeah. I think that's it, maybe.

122
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,722
- She's nastier.
- Right, out. You're barred.

123
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,564
Barred? What?

124
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:33,881
Why?

125
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,200
That.

126
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,450
So we're all on the same page,
that's me, Will McKenzie,

127
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,649
seemingly Bristol University's
least popular undergraduate.

128
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,521
And that's my friend Simon, who's got
university relationship problems of his own.

129
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,887
Who's this fucking slut,
Kirsty Scott?

130
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,249
- Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?
- Goodbye, whore.

131
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,571
Simon, swear on your hoodie
you're not going to cheat on me.

132
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,685
What? Oh, no, please, Lucy,
that's my favourite.

133
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,610
- Lucy.
- Sorry, Simon.

134
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,366
But I just have to be sure.

135
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,724
(SIGHS)

136
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,564
I just love you so much.

137
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,400
I love you too, cuddles.

138
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,931
And finally, there's Neil.

139
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,684
At least he's made a new friend.

140
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:28,601
Buster.

141
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,286
I don't know what brand
of shower gel Neil uses,

142
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:33,602
but I suspect it might
be Pedigree Chum.

143
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:37,227
And as we headed back to my room, if I'd
assumed watching some low-level bestiality

144
00:07:37,328 --> 00:07:39,908
would be the low point of
my night, I was wrong.

145
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,602
Oh, not again!

146
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,130
- Is your room in space?
- (WILL SIGHS)

147
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,766
- Thank you, arseholes!
- (LAUGHTER)

148
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,807
They've done a pretty
good job, to be fair.

149
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,248
I fucking hate it here.

150
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,084
To be honest, I'm glad
I chose not to do uni.

151
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,242
- More reality than a choice.
- Exactly.

152
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,370
- Maybe we should go to Australia.
- And surprise the fuck out of Jay!

153
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,681
- I was joking.
- Why?

154
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,923
It's better than hanging round old
men's pubs and dressing up as magic.

155
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,606
We get four weeks off for Easter.
I dread spending it with Lucy.

156
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,730
- Can we afford it?
- Will, they invented student loans

157
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,484
so students could go on holiday.

158
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,244
And I got a sweet bonus this month.

159
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,402
I'm the cleverest non-Asian
in the department.

160
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,403
I have always wanted
to go travelling.

161
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,847
I think I'd be good at it,
do it properly, not like Jay.

162
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,207
- How can you be good at it?
- He's staying in one place.

163
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,762
I'd explore, meet people, come back
a better and more rounded person.

164
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,764
He's getting sucked
off every morning.

165
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,731
Fuck it, I'm in.

166
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,051
So, goodbye, shitty Bristol.
I was off to Australia.

167
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,770
Now, petal, you know
how much I worry.

168
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,651
- So I've got you a special holiday gift.
- Oh, thanks, Mum.

169
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,326
It's...

170
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:56,686
a rape alarm.

171
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,530
What do you think is
gonna happen to me?

172
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,160
- Petal, I think you might get raped.
- Right.

173
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,687
Sweetie, it's better to have
a rape alarm and not need it

174
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,765
than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men
you may have, however innocently, led on.

175
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,651
- Ah, hello, everyone.
- Hello, Kevin.

176
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,211
You sorry to see them leave?

177
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,089
Actually, it's handy
Neil's going away.

178
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,369
Give me a chance to get some
men in, to decorate his bedroom.

179
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,046
- Virgin Atlantic flight VS301
- That's our flight.

180
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,929
I am gonna miss you, petal.

181
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:23,766
Oh...

182
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,922
Yes, all right! Get off!

183
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,402
Be very careful, little soldier, OK?

184
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:32,441
(SIGHS)

185
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,122
- Your mum looks fit when she cries.
- Thank you.

186
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,329
- I bet she looked amazing when your dad left.
- Brilliant.

187
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,131
Off we went,
running away from our problems.

188
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,647
All I knew about Australia
was that if it could bite you,

189
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,040
sting you or eat you alive,

190
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,929
then it probably lived there.

191
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,444
But nothing had prepared us for
the beauty of Sydney Harbour.

192
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,762
And Neil was particularly impressed.

193
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,405
- What the fuck is that?
- What?

194
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,325
- That fucking thing.
- The Sydney Opera House?

195
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,960
No, that thing, the spaceship.
The spaceship, there.

196
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,801
That's the sightseeing done.
We need to find this club.

197
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,566
Hang on. Got a signal now.
Googlemappage to the rescue.

198
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,370
It's this way.

199
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:15,681
(BLEEP)

200
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,765
No way! That just cost me 20 quid.

201
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,241
Data roaming charges are
pretty extortionate abroad.

202
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,324
- Well, I'll just stand still, then.
- That's not really how it works.

203
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:24,891
- (BLEEP)
- Another 20 quid?

204
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,168
I'm not roaming now,
you useless piece of shit!

205
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,129
- Just switch it off, Neil.
- Agh!

206
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,082
- Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now.
- Not sure that was strictly my fault.

207
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,480
We left the harbour to find Jay,

208
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,644
to see if he really was getting
sucked off every morning.

209
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,326
NEIL: Cannot wait to see DJ
Big Penis rocking da house.

210
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,482
WILL: No, nor can I.

211
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,371
(♪ THE CHAINSMOKERS: #SELFIE)

212
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,406
Ever taken a backpack or
a suitcase to a nightclub?

213
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,530
No, of course you haven't.
Because you're not a fucking idiot.

214
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,681
Hey!

215
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,842
<i>♪ Let me take a selfie</i>

216
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,566
We had nowhere to stay

217
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,566
and, surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't
the club's premier number one DJ.

218
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,131
<i>♪ Let me take a selfie</i>

219
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,170
I don't get it.
He said he worked here.

220
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,721
He also said he knocked out a
koala and fucked the Minogues.

221
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,041
- Legend.
- He's not here.

222
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,531
Have to spend the night in a hostel.

223
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:26,886
Aren't hostels a bit pikey?

224
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,769
Hostels are how
everyone does it, Simon.

225
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,366
Full of interesting people
who are travelling, like us.

226
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,205
I don't know. We visited Uncle Paul
in a hostel when he had cancer.

227
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,930
Wasn't very cool if I'm being honest.

228
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,526
- It also wasn't a hostel.
- Fine.

229
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,648
- If it's only one night, I suppose.
- Yeah.

230
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,962
- Least there might be some sexy nurses.
- There won't be.

231
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,565
Quick pizzle first?

232
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,207
That's it, sir.
Wash your fingers for the mingers.

233
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,604
No splash, no gash.
No Armani, no punani.

234
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,331
No Dolce & Gabbana,
no sucky your banana.

235
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,482
- Jay! Jay!
- Oh, fuck.

236
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,405
- Jay?
- (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) No, pal, the name's Bruce.

237
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,210
What? Shut up, Jay.

238
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,249
Sorry, I've never heard
of this bloke Jay.

239
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,686
Oh, it's clearly not him. Let's go.

240
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,083
- So you're not Jay?
- It's Bruce, you fucking drongo.

241
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,607
- But you've got Jay's face.
- Nah.

242
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,127
And your sign says
"Jay's Pussay Juice... dollar a squirt."

243
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,682
- Coincidence.
- What's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?

244
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,643
Course it's a bloody wind-up!

245
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,165
(LAUGHS)

246
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,890
100% merked.

247
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,485
The looks on your faces.

248
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,246
You prize bellends.
I can't believe you fell for that.

249
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,890
- We didn't.
- It is you, Jay!

250
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,963
Epic bants!

251
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,810
All right, Neil, calm down.

252
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,201
Good to see you, man.

253
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,443
Just to clear one thing up, though.
You do work in a toilet, don't you?

254
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,126
I can see going to uni hasn't
made you any less of a retard.

255
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,044
Course I don't work
in a fucking toilet.

256
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,850
Why are you working
in a toilet, then?

257
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,286
It's a joke!

258
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,410
Don't worry, it probably went
over your heads. Whoosh.

259
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,005
I run this whole club.

260
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,924
- I'm my own boss.
- Boss of a toilet.

261
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,570
Well, drinks are on you, then.

262
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,202
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.

263
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,964
Yeah, great, perfect.

264
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,991
Jay's story made complete sense.
If I ran a nightclub,

265
00:13:06,092 --> 00:13:09,081
I'd definitely dress like a snooker
player and hang out in the toilets.

266
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,586
I cannot wait to hear the mad
bants you've been having.

267
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,961
Oh, mate, the bants in
Australia are legendary.

268
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,929
Cos I've been delivering
most of the bants.

269
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,242
- I'm like Banta Claus.
- I've got bants.

270
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,771
- Nudgies.
- You twat!

271
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,160
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

272
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,402
Oh, my God!

273
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,089
Oh, what? You don't
recognise me, do you?

274
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,321
Katie?

275
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,643
- Katie Evans from prep school?
- Maybe you do remember.

276
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,485
I'll never forget that sleepover
we had at Lloydie's house.

277
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,722
- I don't remember that.
- No, nor me.

278
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,928
How amazing to see you.
What an incredibly small world.

279
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,606
I don't know. Seems like every
kid from the Home Counties

280
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,366
- is out here doing a gap year.
- Yeah, what a cliché.

281
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,761
- So what are you up to?
- I'm doing a gap year.

282
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,127
The standard. India once,
India twice.

283
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,248
Love, heartbreak, silent retreat.

284
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,131
Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot.

285
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,442
Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes.

286
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,571
Indonesia, healers, reiki,
cafes, tears, revelations,

287
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,882
amazing people,
amazing conversations.

288
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,249
Unforgettable and life-changing
experiences. You?

289
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,562
I'm visiting my friend
who works in a toilet.

290
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,327
(LAUGHS)
You always made me laugh, you nutter.

291
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,244
- What are you really doing?
- Travelling.

292
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,721
- Out here for four weeks.
- Oh, so you're on holiday.

293
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,644
No, travelling, I think.

294
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,962
What have you been up to without me?
Must have been shit.

295
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,645
- I've been at uni.
- That's bent.

296
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,564
What about you?
Been getting your dick wet?

297
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,882
- I went swimming.
- No, with fanny juice.

298
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,451
Oh, right. Er, no, not really.

299
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,807
I worked in the garage.
Now I'm working in the bank.

300
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,689
- Oh, you know your cousin Michelle?
- Yeah.

301
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,330
- I fingered her.
- Neil.

302
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,562
Tell me you're not staying
in Sydney, are you?

303
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,848
- It's so banker.
- No.

304
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,445
I'm going to, erm...

305
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,410
- Er, where is it you're going?
- Byron Bay. It is awesome.

306
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,726
I've got a job there selling excursions,
like white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee.

307
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,123
I was actually just flyering to raise
some cash for the bus tomorrow.

308
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,362
Oh, well, it's been nice to see you.

309
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,046
What? I haven't seen you in ages.

310
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,090
- Why don't you come to Byron?
- You're inviting me?

311
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,971
Of course I'm inviting you.
Come to Byron.

312
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,531
Look, you would love the vibe.

313
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,126
It's so you. It's just totally chill.

314
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,408
Really, I'd love to,
but I'll have to ask the others.

315
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,085
I'll convince them.

316
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,050
- Is that them over there?
- No, no.

317
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,690
That's not them.

318
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,571
Erm, but I'm sure my actual
friends will be up for it.

319
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:19,960
Yay! Amazing!

320
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,487
Right, well, I will see
you tomorrow, then.

321
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,242
- What?
- Nothing.

322
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,450
- See you later... alligator.
- Love it.

323
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,250
I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.

324
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,321
- Who was that?
- Katie Evans from junior school.

325
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,643
- Definitely my first love.
- That is well Jimmy Savile.

326
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,643
- Just an old friend.
- That you wanna have sex with.

327
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,245
She might wanna have sex with me.

328
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,482
- She kissed me on the lips.
- Tongues?

329
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,085
- No, but...
- No, that don't count.

330
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,811
- My mum used to kiss me on the lips.
- When you were a child.

331
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,406
Couldn't have done it any other time.
She ran off when he was ten.

332
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,086
Girls don't kiss people on
the lips they don't fancy.

333
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,891
She's one of those mouth-kissing girls.
I've met loads at uni.

334
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,566
- Have you?
- I met one and then Lucy punched her.

335
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,643
I'm not surprised Briefcase
has had a sniff.

336
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,282
Australia is the sex capital of
the world. That's why I'm here.

337
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,922
They call it down under cos that's where
your face spends most of the time.

338
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,162
- Banter.
- I've spent plenty of time in the bush.

339
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,084
- The bush around the pussays.
- Bants.

340
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,242
Check these out. My new bants.

341
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,481
Hashtag mad bants.

342
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,086
- I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury.
- Bantom of the Opera.

343
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:20,366
- I don't get it.
- Whoosh.

344
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,567
Bant and Dec.

345
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,200
- Someone needs tickets to the bantomime.
- Eric Bantona.

346
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,488
Just saying "banter" or
"bants" over and over again

347
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,961
is not a substitute for
actual amusing conversation.

348
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,884
- Briefcase banter.
- (LAUGHS)

349
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,843
Jay, what are you doing? Your shift
doesn't end for another four hours.

350
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,240
(SCOFFS)

351
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,323
- Good one, Lizzie.
- Get back to work.

352
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,802
Yeah, I'll tell you what, you pretend
to be my boss. It'll be hilarious.

353
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:43,921
Anyway, we'd better go.

354
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,651
Take one step outside that door,
you're fucking sacked.

355
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,167
You mean you're sacked.
I just sacked you.

356
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,766
- Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.
- Just did, mate.

357
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,604
I'll see you later.
I've gotta go home.

358
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,128
Don't think we can't find another bottom
feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.

359
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,566
(LAUGHS) Good one, Lizzie.

360
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,370
I can't wait to see the mansion.

361
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,285
- Can I have a room with a hot tub?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

362
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,526
So this is the mansion?

363
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,444
A tent in your uncle's front garden?

364
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,490
It's only temporary. My new fuck
pad is still under construction.

365
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:11,641
In your mind.

366
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,088
I can't believe I've travelled
literally halfway round the world

367
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,561
to spend a month in a two-man tent.

368
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,006
MAN: Jay?

369
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,130
- Did you sweep that veranda this morning?
- Yes, Uncle Bryan.

370
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,200
Who are these pale little bastards?

371
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,761
- You butt-fucking boys in your tent?
- No, Uncle Bryan.

372
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,241
These are my friends from England.
Simon and Neil.

373
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,448
- And...?
- And Will.

374
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,931
Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.

375
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,402
- How's Australia treating you fellas?
- Oh, what a place. So interesting...

376
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,608
Greatest fucking country on Earth.

377
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,401
I keep telling Jay that he should move here,
but he won't. Too much of a pussy,

378
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,484
which is a shame, cos we could do with
some white immigration for a change.

379
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:47,687
Right.

380
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,763
Jay told us about the
sheilas he's been shagging.

381
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,003
Has he? Well, that's bullshit.
Closest this little runt's come to some vag

382
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,128
is when the dog dripped
period down his leg.

383
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,931
- Don't pretend you didn't get a boner.
- (LAUGHS) Good one, Bry.

384
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,969
- What's that?
- Nothing, Uncle Bryan.

385
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,887
Hey, some nights for shits and giggles,
me and Shano shine a torch through the tent,

386
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,170
we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted
like, bashing away on his little platypus.

387
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,242
(LAUGHS)

388
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,368
You understand when I say
platypus I mean cock?

389
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:13,965
- Yeah.
- And guess what?

390
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:17,363
He's gone and dug a hole in
the ground to fuck. (LAUGHS)

391
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,444
I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole,
cos his dick's so small. Get it?

392
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,922
But I'm not kidding about the hole,
he has got that, and a small dick,

393
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,923
which he fucks the hole
in the ground with.

394
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,441
Right.

395
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,047
- We should put our stuff in the tent.
- Yeah, all right. I'll see youse later.

396
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,202
Hey, careful you don't
fall in the fuck hole.

397
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:34,486
(LAUGHS)

398
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,521
- He's nice, isn't he?
- He's all right. He's just...

399
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,125
- Australian?
- Yeah.

400
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,851
It's pretty obvious we can't
stay in here for four weeks.

401
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,206
I propose we go travelling.

402
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,124
Oh, my gosh. Think of the bants!

403
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,169
If we're travelling,
there's only one place to go.

404
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,481
Ooh. Uluru?

405
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,449
The Great Barrier Reef?
Fraser Island?

406
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,728
No, none of that boring shit.
Splash Planet.

407
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,450
- I'm sorry?
- Splash Planet.

408
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,888
The whole of Australia and you're
suggesting we visit a water park?

409
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,249
If you hadn't spent the last six months
at uni wanking off to Shakespeare,

410
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,290
you'd know that water parks are
the ultimate place to fuck girls.

411
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,445
Scientists have proved the water pressure
on their clitties gives them such a wide-on,

412
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,762
when they get off the rides,
they're gagging for it.

413
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,843
- No word of a lie.
- Some word of a lie.

414
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,890
Where did the scientists get their
funding from? The University of Sex?

415
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,280
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Oh, fuck off!

416
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,649
Fucking leave me alone! Can I not have
one fucking day without you abusing me?

417
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,407
- Is that your mum?
- No, Lucy. She's burnt my trainers.

418
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,490
You need to end it, Si.

419
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,085
I know. I know.

420
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,811
Get your dad to text her, tell her
you've died. That's what I do.

421
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,042
Right. I think at least I
need to tell her to her face.

422
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,851
My uncle's got Skype.
Go and dump the nightmare now.

423
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,731
That's unfair. You don't know her.
Though she is a fucking nightmare.

424
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,360
- I'll do it, Si.
- No, it's all right. I'm going.

425
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,280
- Wish me luck.
- Bad luck.

426
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,090
Close enough.

427
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,608
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Yo.

428
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,967
- Hey! Beer?
- No, thanks.

429
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,531
Is it OK to use the computer?

430
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,886
Yeah, course it is, mate.

431
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,247
Jay's always on there chubby chasing.

432
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,281
Hm.

433
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,565
WILL: OK, I've worked it out.

434
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,882
We wanna go travelling,
you wanna go to Splash Planet,

435
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,361
which means the best place
to stay is here, Byron Bay.

436
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:14,760
Oh, where mouth-kiss bird is?

437
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,527
It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,
on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels

438
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,762
and it's easy to get jobs
should we need money.

439
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,365
I've always wanted to
be a dolphin trainer.

440
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,648
- Have you?
- You should go to Splash Planet.

441
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,609
- You'll get that job there.
- You won't.

442
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,171
Look, we're English, right?

443
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,086
Just finishing school in England makes us
ten times cleverer than any Australian.

444
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,801
We're like doctors or rocket scientists
over here. You can get any job you want.

445
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,246
- Even dolphin trainer?
- Course.

446
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,686
Turn up, tell 'em your English.

447
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,003
I am 100% certain that is not how
you get a job as a dolphin trainer.

448
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,130
Who's been living in Australia
for months, eh? Me, that's who.

449
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,203
Yes, in a tent.

450
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,169
You calling your mummy
for a good night kiss?

451
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,448
Oh, no, I have...
I have to Skype my girlfriend.

452
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,125
You got a girlfriend?

453
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,806
(LAUGHS) Well done, mate.

454
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,088
Looking at you, no offence,
I'm amazed.

455
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,924
- What's wrong with her?
- Erm, nothing.

456
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,082
I'll be the judge of that.
Give us a look at her.

457
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,889
Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.

458
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,281
- Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose so.
- Suppose?

459
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,761
Mate, if that was my sheila,
I wouldn't leave her side.

460
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,048
- You're getting married, right?
- Erm, no.

461
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,486
No? Fuck me, mate.

462
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,971
Look at that. Then look at you.

463
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:18,090
You could live to be a billion,
you'll never get a root better than that.

464
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,607
We sometimes argue a bit,
and we're quite young.

465
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:21,966
Cash your chips, mate.

466
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,168
That's the best you'll get ever.

467
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,763
At last. Where have you been?

468
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,651
- I haven't heard from you in days.
- I've been on a plane.

469
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,007
That was yesterday,
you fucking moron.

470
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,764
Look, I think we need to talk.

471
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,400
I've checked your emails.
They're clean for now.

472
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,403
What's there to talk about?

473
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,847
- Look, I wanted to say...
- Will you marry me?

474
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,603
- What was that?
- No, no. What, what it was...

475
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:44,886
Simon.

476
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,566
- No, what it was was...
- Say it again.

477
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,529
(LAUGHS) What, will you marry me?

478
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,086
(SQUEALS)

479
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,242
Yes! Yes!

480
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,248
Oh, my God! I thought
you'd never ask.

481
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,529
- No, wait a minute, Lucy...
- What? What?

482
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,800
Nothing.

483
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,807
I'm so happy. (SQUEALS)

484
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,648
Oh, my God. Where's my...

485
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,802
Where's my phone?
I need to ring people.

486
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,803
Congratulations, mate.

487
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,968
- (SIGHS)
- Where's my phone?

488
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,568
- Here he is.
- (CHEERING)

489
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,409
- Well?
- I can't go back home now.

490
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,531
- She didn't take being dumped too well?
- Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.

491
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,364
Oh, well done.

492
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,726
You bellend!

493
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,087
Genuine question: have I just
fucked up my entire life?

494
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,528
Course not. Just cos you promise people
stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.

495
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,366
I once told Comic Relief I'd raise three
million quid by selling selfies of my cock.

496
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,727
- In the end, didn't bother.
- Right. I mean, I...

497
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,360
- Not sure how that helps my situation.
- Make something up.

498
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,171
The drive up to Byron's 12 hours.
We'll think of something.

499
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,288
Drive? I thought we
were taking the bus.

500
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,171
Fuck that. I've got a car.
Bought it off Cousin Shane.

501
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,164
And considering it's an awesome
custom job, he done me a great deal.

502
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,927
Let's sleep on it. I'd like to get the bus
but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.

503
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,401
You're gonna keep talking
till we do what you want?

504
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,721
No.

505
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,890
Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.

506
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,883
(♪ FRANKIE AND THE HEARTSTRINGS:
HUNGER)

507
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,440
<i>♪ Oh</i>

508
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,011
<i>♪ Oh oh ohhh</i>

509
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,207
So, compromise reached,

510
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,886
the next day we did what I wanted
and headed to the bus station,

511
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,044
which was full of other cool
people travelling to Byron Bay.

512
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,761
The Darien Gap is really all that's
left of untouched jungle in the world.

513
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,445
- Yeah.
- I'm going to do South America.

514
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,887
- I might try it.
- Yeah, you don't really try it.

515
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,963
It's a five-day trek and you
only sleep in hammocks.

516
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,281
Man, I got the shits so bad,

517
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,091
they used up the whole group's
medical supplies treating me.

518
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,607
It's so dangerous,
most guides won't even take you.

519
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,683
- Yeah, I found that.
- Shame.

520
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,320
So I walked it by myself,
unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia.

521
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,720
Unaccompanied? I...

522
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,769
- I thought that was illegal.
- It is, yeah,

523
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,764
but it's better that way,
because you meet the real locals

524
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,527
and there's none of that luxury bullshit
like hammocks and medical supplies.

525
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,921
So if you do get the shits,
or malaria, like I did,

526
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,401
then you just get on with it,
do you know what I mean?

527
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,210
Wow. What an experience.

528
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,443
(GROANS)
Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff.

529
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,329
I'm Will, by the way.

530
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,646
You know, I used to have long hair too.
Not dreads, but erm... pretty long.

531
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,562
Yep. (SIGHS) Had it all cut just
before we came out travelling.

532
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,329
Well, that's an interesting story.

533
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,165
- (LAUGHS)
- (GASPS) Will, you made it.

534
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,810
Byron, here we come.

535
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,329
So you've met the rest of the gang?

536
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,882
We were chatting about South America,
my experiments with hair styles and shit.

537
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,166
Classic travelling shit.

538
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,561
I got you that McFlurry.
Jay says get a fucking move on.

539
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,927
- Oh, so are you guys travelling too?
- Yeah.

540
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,321
Yeah. It's my second
foreign holiday in a year.

541
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,562
- First we all went Malia.
- We went ironically.

542
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,722
It was brilliant.
They had jet skis you could rent.

543
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:44,927
Wow. Do tell us more.

544
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,367
They're like motorbikes
without wheels but on water.

545
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,124
(LAUGHS)

546
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,440
(LAUGHS) Good one!

547
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,362
- I'm Neil Sutherland as it goes.
- Ben.

548
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,170
- Is that your whole name?
- No.

549
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,641
- Oh.
- Does it matter? It's Ben Thornton-Wilde.

550
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,042
- Which one?
- What?

551
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,407
- Thornton or Wilde?
- It's double-barrelled.

552
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,403
Choose one depending
on how you're feeling?

553
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:10,086
No, no, those...
those are both my last name.

554
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,083
What? Shut up.

555
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,302
That is mental. Will,
Ben here has got two last names,

556
00:25:15,403 --> 00:25:17,949
but it's actually just one name.
Have you heard of that?

557
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,847
Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.

558
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,446
TANNOY: Koala Coaches
departure to Byron Bay...

559
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,211
Finally.

560
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,364
TANNOY: Departing now at stand 14.

561
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,490
- Are you coming, then?
- Me? Oh, no.

562
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,769
- I thought you were coming north with me.
- I am, just not on the bus.

563
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,809
My friends wanted to
travel by car, so...

564
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,806
So you've been waiting at a bus
station for ages in your backpack

565
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,769
even though you're going by car?

566
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,803
- That's a bit weird, isn't it?
- Yeah. See you in Byron.

567
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,211
(CAR HORN)

568
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,366
So off we went. We didn't know
exactly how to get to Byron Bay.

569
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,409
So we just followed the
bus that Katie was on,

570
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,562
perhaps a little too closely.

571
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,811
She looks well freaked out.

572
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,566
- Might it have anything to do with the car?
- Doubt it.

573
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,600
- A few questions about the car...
- Fire away.

574
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,842
One: just why did you buy it?

575
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,287
I needed a cool set of wheels
and Shano did me a deal.

576
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,329
Two: is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?

577
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,562
Shane's not stupid.
The birds love Peter Andre.

578
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,326
Not sure anyone loves anything
enough to have sex with Shano.

579
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,561
What are you talking about?

580
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,087
He got so much anal in here,
I had to hose down the footwell.

581
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,481
This is the classic
Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.

582
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,005
- Is it?
- It's the fuck truck.

583
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,640
- The mobile virgin conversion unit.
- We should use it on Will.

584
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,041
- WILL: Brilliant.
- (LAUGHTER)

585
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,521
I can't wait to get a job training dolphins,
even though it's bad how they're treated.

586
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,648
Did you know, all they
feed 'em is raw fish?

587
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,370
Oh, that is grim.

588
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,171
I'd puke if all I ate was fish.
That is bang out of order.

589
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,210
- Imagine it, just raw fish.
- Their diet is fish.

590
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,682
- Yeah, cos that's all they're given.
- But also because that's what they eat.

591
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:55,887
It's so cruel, you know.

592
00:26:56,040 --> 00:27:00,409
No burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on
birthdays, nothing. How would you like it?

593
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,211
Well, if all I ate was fish,
I probably wouldn't mind it.

594
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,091
All right, yes or no, how would
you like to just eat raw fish?

595
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,366
Well, if I was a dolphin...

596
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,090
- Yes or no?
- You can't compare...

597
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,890
- Yes or no?
- They're marine biologists.

598
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,451
- Yes or no?
- It's not as simple as...

599
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:13,965
Only raw fish, yes or no?

600
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,682
- No!
- Correct.

601
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,321
"Bryan Bay", next left.

602
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:34,008
Finally, we made it to Byron Bay,
and I'd never seen anywhere like it.

603
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,685
It was buzzing with life,

604
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,242
or in Jay's opinion,
absolutely rammed full of bellends.

605
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:43,362
But if there was one place where a car
featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits

606
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,726
wouldn't raise an eyebrow,

607
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,882
it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.

608
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,725
WILL: OK, Jay. Please park the
car where no-one can see it.

609
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,006
No.

610
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,687
Oh, Ben. Ben, mate!

611
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,764
- Man. I meant "man".
- Hey, guys. How's the holiday?

612
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,888
What's on the tourist
itinerary for tomorrow?

613
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,883
Ha! That's funny.
You know we're not tourists.

614
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,929
- Splash Planet.
- I'm gonna work with dolphins.

615
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,289
- Start at the bottom, work my way up.
- Like father, like son.

616
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,525
His dad's bent.

617
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,968
I'll begin with the easy stuff,
cleaning out their cages and that.

618
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,441
So participating in the
enslavement of animals. Wow.

619
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,649
- Have you heard of ethically travelling?
- Is that with Ryan Gosling?

620
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:23,924
OK, er... we'll see you around.

621
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:25,241
Yeah, great.

622
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:27,368
- When?
- What?

623
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,409
Oh, I just wondered when
you'd see us around.

624
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,244
Is there a good time?

625
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,846
- It's a figure of speech.
- Cool. Catch you later, mate.

626
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,002
Mate? Man. Man.

627
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,324
He's all right, isn't he?

628
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,403
No, not really.

629
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:49,049
The hostel was laid-back, cool and the
kind of place where anything goes.

630
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,771
Anything except,
it seemed, deodorant.

631
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,810
Smells a bit in here.

632
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,611
Shotgun.

633
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,922
(LAUGHS) Unlucky. Top-bunk wankers.

634
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,249
Oh, fuck off, Neil. I want some hottie
above me, not your rotting arsehole.

635
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,606
I just wanna be near you.

636
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,286
I've been thinking. Do we really
need to go to Splash Planet?

637
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:07,680
Yes. Yes, we do.

638
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,366
But it's so tacky and
gaudy and full of idiots.

639
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,364
- It's my lifetime's ambition.
- You first mentioned it yesterday.

640
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,966
- Don't kill my dreams, Will.
- Oh! Hello, nutter.

641
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,531
You made it.

642
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,286
So, er, what are you up
to tomorrow? Any plans?

643
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:25,367
We thought we might travel somewhere
ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.

644
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,648
Ah, that's a shame.
I'm going to Splash Planet.

645
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,370
It looks brilliant.

646
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,851
It does, doesn't it?

647
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,287
- You just said it was tacky.
- What? Shut up.

648
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,442
You said it was full of idiots.
Are you an idiot, Katie?

649
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,648
They're being funny.
Stop being so funny, you guys.

650
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,849
Well, I must be an idiot, then,
because I think it looks amazing.

651
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,365
I can get you tickets if you like.

652
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:43,885
Really? Fantastic.

653
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:45,530
- Four, please.
- Cool. Done.

654
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,887
Right, I'm gonna go and sit
by the fire. Fancy coming?

655
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,566
Yeah. I just need to Skype home first.
My mother worries.

656
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,326
Crazy. Right, well,
I'll see you in a bit, then.

657
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,163
- You all right?
- Wait, I'm thinking.

658
00:29:58,320 --> 00:29:59,526
- About what?
- Wait.

659
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:01,890
What is it?

660
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,283
Has anyone ever said anything less cool
to a girl than "My mother worries"?

661
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:06,930
(LAUGHTER)

662
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,048
- "Bye."
- (LAUGHTER)

663
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:13,201
Splash Planet wasn't one of the great
Australian tourist attractions

664
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:15,283
but it did have one
sight I wanted to see.

665
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,364
Katie in a bikini.

666
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,205
First, I just had to Skype
the other woman in my life.

667
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,322
- Really?
- I haven't seen your mum for six months.

668
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,244
I need to refresh the
image in the wank bank.

669
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,006
Surely watching Simon dump Lucy
has to be more fun than this.

670
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,400
Nothing's more fun than your mum.

671
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,608
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)

672
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,524
Hello, darling. I can't see you.

673
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,286
Yeah, you've not got your
video on, same as every time.

674
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,488
- Where's the button?
- Where it always is.

675
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,961
Where I have to point you
every single time we Skype.

676
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,010
Then move the camera down, remember?

677
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,527
- What camera?
- Come on. We've done this.

678
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,205
The camera. It's on
top of the laptop.

679
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:52,011
- Just tip the lid forward.
- How's that?

680
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:53,286
- Move it up!
- Perfect.

681
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:54,521
Oh, is that Neil?

682
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,331
- Can you both just fuck off?
- Don't be rude to your friends.

683
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,201
- He gets grump grumps when he gets tired.
- Just move the camera back.

684
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:04,761
Finally.

685
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,481
Look, I just wanted to check in,
tell you I've met some great new people...

686
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,404
Oh, is... is Grandma staying over?

687
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:11,800
No. Why would you say that?

688
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:14,691
You've got two bowls and
two mugs out for breakfast.

689
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:15,966
Oh, yes, so I have.

690
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:17,281
So who's staying over?

691
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:18,521
Your grandma.

692
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,682
You just said she wasn't.

693
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:22,604
Did I?

694
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,649
Think it must be
the connection, darling.

695
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,531
Yeah, terrible connection.
You're breaking up.

696
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,682
I love you. Speak soon.

697
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:33,527
(SIGHS)

698
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,047
She's getting fucked, I reckon.

699
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,202
Meanwhile, it was second
time lucky for Simon.

700
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,840
The only way this Skype with Lucy
could go worse than the first

701
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,650
was if he somehow got her pregnant.

702
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,121
Hello, baby boo. I love you.

703
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,805
- Lucy?
- Come on.

704
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,928
- Now you say it.
- No.

705
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,048
Look, there's something
I need to do right now.

706
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,851
- Put it away. There are elderly people present.
- What the fuck?

707
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,128
Popped round to see our
new daughter-in-law.

708
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,805
Simon, we're so delighted for you.

709
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,645
You'll have to start planning
as soon as you get back.

710
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,963
- Thanks for stating the fucking obvious.
- Oi, this is a happy occasion.

711
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,610
It's OK. It's an emotional time.

712
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,762
Come on, Pam,
let's leave these love birds to it.

713
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,809
Don't you two get carried away.

714
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,931
Me and Mum have seen plenty of videos
that start like this on the internet. Plenty.

715
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,570
Alan, please.

716
00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:19,771
They're so nice.

717
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:21,524
They're fucking idiots.

718
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,084
We've all agreed on
a date, so that's good.

719
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,811
- You've set a date?
- And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.

720
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,088
I just hope Jane will
come back from Australia.

721
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,130
No, Lucy, I'm in Australia,
not Jane, remember?

722
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,647
I'm not fucking senile, Simon.

723
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,882
I know you're there. She's there too.

724
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,122
- Why didn't you mention it?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

725
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,681
I forgot I'm meant to give you
minute-by-minute updates

726
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:42,921
on my friends' movements.

727
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,562
OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve
because she's missed her period.

728
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:49,849
And Louise is back in Coventry
because she's self-harming again.

729
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,764
Is that enough detail?

730
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:53,964
Yes, that's great, thank you.

731
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:56,169
(GUITAR PLAYS)

732
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,046
WILL: The vibe at the hostel was incredible
and it was clear we weren't at home any more.

733
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,326
Things were different,

734
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,484
and it was nice to see that Simon,
Neil and especially Jay

735
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,642
were embracing this new environment.

736
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,201
Oh, no! Why is there always
some cunt with a guitar?

737
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,203
If anyone starts playing
the bongos, I'm leaving.

738
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,408
If the bongos start,
I'm burning the place down.

739
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:17,642
Open your minds, guys.
We're backpacking now.

740
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,087
- Get into the backpacking vibe.
- Vibe?

741
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,561
We're by a fire listening to
some posh prick play guitar.

742
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:25,610
- How much more backpacking can it get?
- Please don't ruin this for me.

743
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:27,726
Katie.

744
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,081
- Nudgies.
- (LAUGHTER)

745
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,090
- Enjoy the trip?
- Are you OK?

746
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:36,210
Yep. Yep. Totally fine.
Good one, man.

747
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,842
- Looks like you've got front-row seats.
- Mm, yeah. Lucky me.

748
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,480
At least you're here to
cheer me up, though. Hi.

749
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,090
Katie, can I play you a song?

750
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,571
No, I'm good, thanks.

751
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,882
God, that guy can be such a dick.

752
00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,441
- Really?
- Yeah. Look at him.

753
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,364
He always has to be
the centre of attention.

754
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,206
How can anyone wear that many friendship
bracelets? No-one has that many friends.

755
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,840
How is giving a stinking piece
of string a show of friendship?

756
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,765
I know, right? I mean,
I only wear, what, like seven.

757
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:06,683
Actually, I made one for you.

758
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,207
- D'you want it?
- Yeah, great. I love these.

759
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,691
OK, Katie, this is your last chance.
What can I play for you?

760
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,451
How about The Sound Of Silence?

761
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:16,886
(LAUGHS)

762
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,564
What the fuck?

763
00:34:23,720 --> 00:34:26,200
Oh, Jay, you know Jane's
in Australia, right?

764
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:28,921
- What? Who?
- The fat bird that dumped you.

765
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,366
She did not fucking dump me, Neil.

766
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,568
- But you cried.
- Tears of joy probably.

767
00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:34,768
Well, Lucy told me
Jane's here in Australia.

768
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,331
So? Like I give a shit.

769
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:40,527
- Weird, though. Amazing coincidence.
- Maybe she's come to get you back.

770
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:43,843
She should be so lucky. You know
the first rule of Banter Brigade.

771
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,889
- You're only allowed one fatty?
- Ha!

772
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,771
No, that... that is a very
funny joke, though, but no.

773
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,605
What is it again? I know it,
but I've just forgotten for a minute.

774
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:53,330
- All the Fs...
- Oh, yeah.

775
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,050
Find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em.

776
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:57,282
No, Neil. All the Fs.

777
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,568
Find 'em, Frenchy 'em,
get 'em frothy,

778
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:00,926
finger 'em, frig 'em,

779
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,287
film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em,

780
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,602
fanny fart 'em, fuck 'em, frot 'em,

781
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,128
fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em
and then finally forget about 'em.

782
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,760
Just like what I done with Jane,
or whatever her name was.

783
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:13,604
Sorry, I switched off after "frig".

784
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:16,001
You aren't bothered
about Jane being here?

785
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:17,127
No.

786
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,568
Did you know that laughter
is intensely spiritual?

787
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:22,688
So that means that
you're very spiritual.

788
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,764
- Would you say you're spiritual?
- Erm...

789
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,127
It's quite a vague way to
describe a whole person.

790
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,169
Could you just narrow it down at all?

791
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:31,367
Mm.

792
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:36,606
So, what I'm saying, right,
is that I think you're spiritual.

793
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,047
- Yep, and I'm saying that's great...
- Mm.

794
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,649
...really great, but what do you mean?
Don't wanna sign up for something I'm not.

795
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,802
Oh... OK.

796
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,406
Actually, I've had a think
about it and I am spiritual.

797
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,325
I knew it! (LAUGHS)
Do you wanna get drunk?

798
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,244
- On goon? Yes, please.
- (GIGGLES)

799
00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,209
Did you really not know
Jane was in Australia?

800
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:00,521
Don't talk bollocks, Si.

801
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,047
If I'd have known that,
why would I have come here?

802
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,680
Because you wanna get her back?
Because you miss her?

803
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:15,128
- Is your lip all right?
- (MUMBLES) Yep.

804
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,521
She's at the water park, isn't she?
That's why you wanna go.

805
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,569
I made a mistake, all right?

806
00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:21,688
I made a mistake and I'm
trying to make it better.

807
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,161
- Why didn't you see her before?
- I was building up to it.

808
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,890
And now you're here, I'm gonna do it.

809
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,690
So just don't fucking tell anyone.

810
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,525
- Tell anyone what?
- About your dad's world record.

811
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,650
- My dad's got a world record?
- Yeah. Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.

812
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:34,801
(LAUGHS)

813
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,645
Hey, hey, hey! It's the dudes.

814
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,006
How are we, dudes?

815
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,970
Am I right in thinking my young
friends might be up for a little...?

816
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,645
(WHISTLES)

817
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,121
Darts? (SIGHS) I don't
think they've got a board.

818
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:48,442
(LAUGHS) You guys are so funny.

819
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:51,843
No. Anyone mind if I skin up? As if.

820
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:54,651
See, Stephen?

821
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:57,087
Nobody fucking minds!

822
00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:01,244
That's right, run away from our
problems like you always do.

823
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,641
- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Mm.

824
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,325
Oh, fuck.

825
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,005
Oh, fucking leave me alone.

826
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,128
Oh, God, do I really have
to marry that lunatic?

827
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,806
Well, I asked her, so, yes, I have.

828
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,291
God, how has this happened?

829
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:15,885
Marriage woes, yeah?

830
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,121
(INHALES)

831
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:19,931
Dr Doobs prescribes a
toke of Jesper's finest.

832
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:22,729
A friend with weed
is a friend indeed.

833
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,610
Um... all right, cheers.

834
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,888
- Si.
- What? I'm a fucking mess.

835
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,769
She's cutting up all my hoodies.

836
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,089
Oh, God.

837
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:33,570
(GROANS)

838
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:35,644
Ah... Yes.

839
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:37,290
(LAUGHS)

840
00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:39,321
Ooh.

841
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:42,165
Fucking hell, mate,
you are the full package.

842
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,891
You're funny and spiritual.

843
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,804
I can't believe you're single.

844
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,167
It is hard to believe,
but I am single.

845
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,642
(LAUGHS) I never know when you're
joking and when you're not.

846
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,486
But, let me tell you, if you could play
guitar, I would jump you right now.

847
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:01,970
Actually, I can play guitar.

848
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,406
Fuck off!

849
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,562
I've had a lot of time on
my own at uni to practise.

850
00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:08,963
Fucking knockout!
Go on, then, mate. Give us a song.

851
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,170
OK.

852
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,770
Hey, Ben, man, can I have a go, man?

853
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,249
Wow. Erm...

854
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,528
Well, you don't really
have a go with a guitar.

855
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,286
It's... Not in front of
this many people, you know.

856
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,046
I just wanna play a song for
a friend, for... for Katie.

857
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,242
- Sure you've got this?
- Yeah, I think so.

858
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,402
- It's quite a lot of people...
- I can handle it.

859
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,767
- OK, well, just go for it, man.
- I'm trying to.

860
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:40,524
Just take the guitar.

861
00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:43,445
Remove your hand from the
neck of the guitar, then.

862
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,971
Thank you. Thanks, man.

863
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,850
This is a... slight change
of mood but erm...

864
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,570
Yeah, hope you like it.

865
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,281
♪ (FALSETTO) <i>The first time</i>

866
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:12,921
<i>♪ Ever I saw your face</i>

867
00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:15,366
What is he doing?

868
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,443
<i>♪ I thought the sun</i>

869
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:18,806
It's weird. I don't like it.

870
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:23,966
<i>♪ Rose in your eyes</i>

871
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:30,406
<i>♪ And the moon and the stars...</i>

872
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,881
I'm trying to stop watching,
but I can't.

873
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:37,648
<i>♪ Were the gifts you gave</i>

874
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:42,000
<i>♪ To the dark</i>

875
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:47,127
<i>♪ And the empty sky</i>

876
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,124
<i>♪ And the first time</i>

877
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:00,370
<i>- ♪ Ever I kissed your...</i>
- Woo!

878
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,170
<i>♪ Mouth</i>

879
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,202
<i>♪ I felt your heart</i>

880
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:12,083
<i>♪ So close to mine</i>

881
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,489
Right, well, I'm going to bed.

882
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,565
Neil, you coming?

883
00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,529
No, I might wait a bit.

884
00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,720
<i>♪ The first time</i>

885
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,050
<i>♪ Ever I saw</i>

886
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,210
<i>♪ Your face</i>

887
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,848
<i>♪ Your face</i>

888
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,202
<i>♪ Your face</i>

889
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:42,603
<i>♪ Your face</i>

890
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,369
<i>♪ Your face</i>

891
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:49,771
Your face.

892
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,729
Oh. This is very nice.

893
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:57,245
Is it a little bit public?

894
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,482
No-one cares.

895
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,484
Ooh. Hello. I sort of care.

896
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:04,285
Erm, should we be doing this here?

897
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:06,681
This is what travelling's about.
Now, get in bed.

898
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,330
I'm on the top bunk.

899
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,370
Look, you just lie
there and I'll ride you.

900
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,204
(LAUGHS)

901
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:15,489
Oh, what is this?

902
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,244
That's very hard.

903
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,528
Sorry. Let me get
that out of the way.

904
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,970
This is someone else's bed. Let's get
on my bunk. It's just up there.

905
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:28,963
You're so sexy.

906
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,522
Um, Katie, this is great,
but you're very drunk.

907
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:41,047
Why don't we get a hotel
for tomorrow? My treat.

908
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,202
- Anything. You're gorgeous.
- Ssh.

909
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:49,724
Nah.

910
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:51,882
What? You're no fun!

911
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:53,280
I am. I am fun.

912
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,442
It's just... here?

913
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,326
Come on, let's have fun here.

914
00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:02,167
Mm, yeah, do it like that.

915
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:04,322
That's nice.

916
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:06,969
Mm, yeah.

917
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,922
Your friend is asleep on my bed.

918
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,761
Ah... Now, this is
not what it looks like.

919
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,565
You piece of shit!

920
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:26,245
(RAPE ALARM)

921
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,720
After I'd explained to everyone
that it was my rape alarm,

922
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,724
and once they'd stopped laughing,
we got some sleep.

923
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,366
The next morning, Simon was
the first person in history

924
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,205
to get the munchies ten
hours after smoking a joint.

925
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:45,771
- You two not having breakfast?
- No.

926
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,730
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
Gets worse when I get stressed.

927
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:50,530
I'm finding travelling stressful.

928
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:52,887
You should have seen me
sweating in the toilet block.

929
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,123
It's not even runny. It's just like
massive ones firing 'emselves out.

930
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,009
This foreign muck I'm
eating don't help.

931
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:00,970
- You've only eaten McDonald's.
- Yeah, Australian McDonald's.

932
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,691
- Good morning.
- Here he is, the singing sex pest.

933
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:05,569
Say what you like. The song worked.

934
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,006
- Someone had a good night.
- Yes.

935
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:09,811
After the unpleasantness
with Agnetha was sorted out.

936
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,962
I think we have to call
last night a success.

937
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:14,851
A beautiful girl wants to have
sex with me. Oh, and there she is.

938
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:16,729
Yoo-hoo! Katie!

939
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,647
Katie! Katie!

940
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:21,928
Fucking hell, mate.
There's no need to shout.

941
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:23,923
Goon hangovers are the worst.

942
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:28,128
Look, it's all right, mate.
I can walk.

943
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,768
God, I was so pissed last night.

944
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:32,206
You were a little. You passed out.

945
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,489
- I remember, like, an alarm or something?
- Yeah, don't worry about that.

946
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:39,690
Apart from that I literally cannot
remember a single thing that happened.

947
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:43,481
It goes straight from sitting round
the fire to puking this morning.

948
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:44,766
Oh.

949
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,730
Oh, my God. Did we?

950
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,725
Well, sort of.

951
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,370
- We fucked?
- No.

952
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:52,760
- Did we kiss?
- Yes.

953
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,730
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

954
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:57,370
That is so funny.

955
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:00,046
- Isn't that funny?
- A bit.

956
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:02,965
(GASPS)
God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.

957
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,090
- Bad?
- Oh, no, no, not in that way.

958
00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:07,366
Not that you're not, like...

959
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,524
Oh, my God, I'm digging myself a hole here.
Change the subject, Katie.

960
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:14,526
I'm gonna go and get some breakfast and I'll,
er, I'll catch up with you in a bit, OK?

961
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,728
I've got to work out what
adventures people are on today.

962
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:19,281
Got the money for those
Splash Planet tickets?

963
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,363
Yes, of course. Erm,
how much do we owe you?

964
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:22,851
400 bucks.

965
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,685
400? I thought it was $75 a ticket.

966
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,888
It is, but there's this
premium when I get them.

967
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,202
- It's just a thing.
- Oh, OK. Cool.

968
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:38,089
Hm. Looks like I'll have to get out
my mum's emergency stash.

969
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:39,846
Oh. All right, kinky.

970
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:41,604
Ha. No, no, it's not that.

971
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:45,242
She gave me a bit extra for
emergencies as a precautionary thing.

972
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:54,043
Well, cheers, mate.
I'll see you at the water park.

973
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,011
- So I've sorted out the...
- Wait. I'm thinking.

974
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,003
(NEIL LAUGHS)

975
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:04,691
<i>♪ Swimming, swimming, swimming,
swimming, swimming</i>

976
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:07,004
<i>♪ Just stay in your lanes...</i>

977
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:09,808
To be fair,
Splash Planet looked amazing.

978
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,124
And even though Jay insisted that 80%
of the water was made up of vaginal fluid,

979
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,089
we still couldn't wait
to try out the rides,

980
00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:18,484
or, better still, work there.

981
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,529
I'm looking for a job
as a dolphin trainer.

982
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,489
Are you a qualified marine biologist?

983
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:24,005
No, but I'm English.

984
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:25,969
OK. We don't have any jobs.

985
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:28,407
But you can swim with
them for 75 bucks.

986
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:29,971
Oh, cool, like work experience?

987
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:32,644
- No.
- All right, I'm in.

988
00:45:33,720 --> 00:45:36,007
- Did you get the job, then?
- No.

989
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,811
- That's well racist.
- I'm gonna swim with one, though.

990
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,008
And I'm gonna give
it the time of its life.

991
00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:45,570
Is it just me or did it sound like
he's gonna wank off a dolphin?

992
00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:47,324
That is what it sounded like.

993
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:50,768
We split up and I went to find Katie.

994
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:54,049
Last night she said I was sexy.
So, today, I just had to seal the deal,

995
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:56,168
by laughing at anything
she said or did.

996
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,163
Got ya.

997
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:00,527
Yes. Yes, you did.
What a good joke that is.

998
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:02,330
- Always funny.
- Hi.

999
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:06,969
Let's get on these rides, then.
It's the best hangover cure ever!

1000
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:10,970
Yes. Erm...

1001
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:16,122
I've heard the water pressure on
some of these slides is quite... high.

1002
00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:19,160
Oh, look out. Hypocrite alert.

1003
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:21,891
Ben, you came! Cool. Hi.

1004
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:25,203
Hi. Yeah, I wanted to see what
the tourists saw in the place.

1005
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,362
I'm not a tourist, man.
I've got a backpack, for one.

1006
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,285
In Bolivia, they say,
"If you put a shell on a donkey,

1007
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,204
does that make him a crab?"

1008
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,364
- Don't know what that means, Ben.
- You'll find out.

1009
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:44,368
- Right, let's ride some flumes.
- Yes!

1010
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,848
Jay and Simon had left
me to, as Jay put it,

1011
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:49,809
"Chase after Katie
like a little prick,"

1012
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:53,681
while they, for some unknown reason,
headed to the Lazy River... a child's ride.

1013
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:55,683
- Does Jane work on this ride, then?
- No.

1014
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:57,922
But, as you can see from
this map of the park,

1015
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,731
the Lazy River pretty much
covers the whole place.

1016
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:04,282
So, basically, we get on,
drift around till we see her. Simples!

1017
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:05,771
Is that map entirely accurate?

1018
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,127
There are pirates and crocodiles
having a sword fight on it.

1019
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,442
It's a map, all right?
Maps don't lie.

1020
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,002
I'm so sorry if the
kids are bothering you.

1021
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:14,924
Course not. No, not at all.
I love kids.

1022
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:16,966
He's a paedophile.

1023
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:23,406
- (CHUCKLES)
- Seriously, I'm trying to help you.

1024
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,403
All right. Nudgies.

1025
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,205
(JAY LAUGHS)

1026
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:30,442
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

1027
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:35,090
Nudgies was fast becoming
no-one's favourite game.

1028
00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:38,084
Meanwhile, Neil was teaching animals
only slightly cleverer than him

1029
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:40,163
that there's more to life than fish.

1030
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,605
OK, guys, now you get some very special
one-on-one time with your dolphins.

1031
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:50,650
If you'd like to take
your positions...

1032
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:55,849
Hello, gorgeous.

1033
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:57,365
Come here.

1034
00:47:58,000 --> 00:47:59,843
Good boy!

1035
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:02,843
This is amazing.

1036
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,122
Look, apparently I'm not
allowed to train you,

1037
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,408
because it turns out
this lot are well racist.

1038
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,484
But there's one thing I can
give you that they can't.

1039
00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:15,370
(DOLPHIN SQUEAKS)

1040
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:19,925
On land, we call that a burger.

1041
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,765
McDonald's probably do the best one,
followed by Burger King.

1042
00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:26,561
You like it, do you? Come on,
that's gotta be worth a kiss. Mm!

1043
00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,131
Lovely! (CHUCKLES)

1044
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,204
They say dolphins are clever,
but what they don't tell you is,

1045
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:33,044
they're also greedy little bastards.

1046
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:36,171
Meanwhile Jay and Simon were
sticking to their terrible plan.

1047
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,641
This might not be the quickest
way to search the park.

1048
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:42,168
It'll be fine. It's a matter of
time before we find her. Chill.

1049
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:49,606
Jay?

1050
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,603
- Is that him?
- Yeah, Dad, that's him.

1051
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:53,000
All right.

1052
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:55,606
Hey, mate, what are you
doing with those kids?

1053
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:59,250
No, wait. My friend was joking.

1054
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:01,129
- You're disgusting.
- I don't love kids.

1055
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,089
Please. I hate kids!

1056
00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:05,163
They're not... sexy!

1057
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:07,801
Please... agh! Jay?

1058
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:12,206
Meanwhile, I was trying to impress
a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.

1059
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:15,409
Oh, my God! This is the one.
Rapids Racer. It's amazing.

1060
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:17,528
You race other people down rapids.

1061
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,762
Cool. How about me
versus beaky, then?

1062
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:22,082
Loser has to do a naked
streak round the park.

1063
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:25,289
Yeah, that's hilarious!
Will, you're up for it, aren't you?

1064
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,044
I would be, but I'm...

1065
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:28,486
- Boring?
- No, Ben.

1066
00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:30,927
- Scared? Ashamed of your tiny penis?
- No, Ben.

1067
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,889
Actually I get nosebleeds.

1068
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:34,849
- What?
- I think he said he gets nosebleeds.

1069
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,490
Come on, let's race.

1070
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:39,245
SIMON: Will.

1071
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:43,123
- What happened to you?
- Oh, I was waterboarded on the Lazy River

1072
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,760
because Jay told some
parents I was a paedophile.

1073
00:49:45,920 --> 00:49:48,571
- Pretty good. Where's Jay now?
- He's gone to find Jane.

1074
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:50,563
- Jane?
- That's why he's in Australia.

1075
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,768
She works here and he's
desperate to get her back.

1076
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:56,242
I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but... after that, fuck him.

1077
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,164
Will, come on.

1078
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,243
What about your nosebleeds?

1079
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:04,843
Did you want something?

1080
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:08,289
Yeah, I'm looking for someone
that works here, a girl called Jane.

1081
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:10,841
Ok, we've had a few Janes.
What does she look like?

1082
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,968
She's got, like, red hair, quite big.

1083
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:16,724
Well, no, beautiful, really,
like really, really beautiful.

1084
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:18,723
Ah, yes, I know Jane.

1085
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:20,530
Yeah, she's a stunner all right, huh?

1086
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:22,409
So whereabouts is she working today?

1087
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:25,928
She left about a month ago, mate. She got
a dream job, with horses or something.

1088
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,731
- Did she say where?
- No, sorry. Outback somewhere?

1089
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:32,043
Oh, that's all right. Guess I'll head
to the outback and go find her.

1090
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,090
To the outback?
Yeah, you'll find her no problems.

1091
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:38,369
- Will I? Jahmazing.
- Are you some kind of moron?

1092
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,047
Of course you fucking won't.
The outback's enormous.

1093
00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:43,123
Nah, you'll never find her.

1094
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,001
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.

1095
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:54,881
If she gets in touch, want me
to say you're looking for her?

1096
00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:57,369
No, it's cool. I'm not even bothered.

1097
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:00,490
I've got some stuff to
sort out in... Vietnam,

1098
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,085
like CIA shit.

1099
00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:05,244
Basically, I'm getting my own private
train with a machine gun on front.

1100
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:07,607
I'm gonna drive across
the country, standing up,

1101
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,684
firing out the machine gun
as it goes along, so...

1102
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,004
(SQUEAKS)

1103
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:19,889
Now it's time for some chicken.

1104
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:21,690
Ssh! Don't tell anyone.

1105
00:51:24,760 --> 00:51:26,125
(SQUEAKS)

1106
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:30,330
All right, but this is the last one.
It's the bollocks. Meatball sandwich.

1107
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:34,604
(DOLPHIN WARBLES IN DISTRESS)

1108
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:44,690
Wake up.

1109
00:51:52,720 --> 00:51:54,131
Come on!

1110
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:03,570
We'll never know for certain
exactly what killed the dolphin,

1111
00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,643
but we do know that Neil did it.

1112
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,487
There was tension in the
air as we waited to race.

1113
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:12,325
And tension in the queue as Neil
barged past with his irritable bowels.

1114
00:52:12,480 --> 00:52:14,847
- (BREAKS WIND)
- Out the way.

1115
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,764
- Get in line, mate.
- No, I've got mates.

1116
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:18,843
- I'm going up there.
- All right?

1117
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:22,684
- How were the dolphins?
- The dolphins are fine, totally fine.

1118
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:24,604
- Why wouldn't they be?
- Only asking.

1119
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:26,569
I don't wanna talk about
the fucking dolphins!

1120
00:52:26,720 --> 00:52:28,484
- (BREAKS WIND)
- Oh, my God!

1121
00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:30,210
Soz. That's my irritating bowels.

1122
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:33,011
- Next two up.
- Right, good luck, boys.

1123
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:36,209
See you at the bottom.
And don't forget, loser streaks.

1124
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:40,806
Seriously, I would have thought
it'd have been gone by now.

1125
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:42,769
- It's a new one.
- Jesus, Neil.

1126
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:44,490
- I can't stop 'em.
- OK, next two.

1127
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:46,760
(BREAKS WIND)

1128
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:51,204
- Will, I've got an issue.
- Ready to lose?

1129
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:52,850
- I'm not, but you are.
- Will.

1130
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,651
- I'm not gonna lose.
- What's that, mate? No, I'm gonna win.

1131
00:52:55,800 --> 00:52:57,040
- Will.
- I can't lose.

1132
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:58,361
- We'll see about that.
- Will.

1133
00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:00,443
- I don't lose.
- You wish, jellyfish.

1134
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,409
- What?
- Will.

1135
00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:05,962
Will, I need help. That last one,
I think maybe I followed through.

1136
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,645
Go.

1137
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:09,165
(LAUGHTER)

1138
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:10,970
Look, it's my bowels,
they're disabled!

1139
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:12,201
Oh, no.

1140
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,411
Will!

1141
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:16,449
Will, poo! Poo!

1142
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,523
I'm sorry! It just slipped out!

1143
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:20,922
Poo!

1144
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:22,002
No!

1145
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,731
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no!

1146
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:28,371
God! Oh, no!

1147
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:30,322
No!

1148
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:33,370
Go faster, go fucking faster!

1149
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:36,205
Out of the water! Clear!

1150
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:39,404
Clear!

1151
00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:43,523
Clear!

1152
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:46,802
Yeah! You won! Yeah!

1153
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:48,881
No!

1154
00:53:55,120 --> 00:53:56,406
Oh, my God!

1155
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:00,441
(SCREAMING)

1156
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:02,523
(♪ ALBINONI: ADAGIO IN G MINOR)

1157
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:03,961
Please.

1158
00:54:07,560 --> 00:54:08,686
(SCREAMING)

1159
00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:11,125
Oh, my God!

1160
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:23,769
(CHILDREN CRYING)

1161
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:52,563
(SIMON LAUGHING)

1162
00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:56,408
It wasn't funny, Simon.
I was arrested.

1163
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:59,962
Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet
security team can strictly arrest you.

1164
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:02,327
- Children were crying.
- I don't think that was you.

1165
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,642
I think that was to do with
that dolphin that died.

1166
00:55:04,800 --> 00:55:07,690
- Neil, you were swimming with them.
- I didn't swim with any dolphins.

1167
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:11,128
If you keep telling lies about me,
I'll bring up your mum's hairy face again.

1168
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:12,645
Calm down.

1169
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:15,564
All you all right, Jay?

1170
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:18,806
- Everything's ruined.
- What's up? Your tight foreskin thing?

1171
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:20,121
I've fucked it up again.

1172
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:23,124
- Lay off it for a week. It'll get better.
- She's gone, forever.

1173
00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:24,566
- Who?
- Jane.

1174
00:55:24,720 --> 00:55:26,165
I should never have
bought her a Wii Fit.

1175
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:29,130
She said she wanted to lose a bit
of weight. I was just trying to help.

1176
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,246
I loved her the way she was.

1177
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:32,925
You bought her a Wii Fit?

1178
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:36,562
So I came here to find her,
to apologise, to try and win her back.

1179
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:38,449
But I had no idea how
big Australia was.

1180
00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:41,524
I knew it was an island, so I thought,
"It can't be that big.

1181
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:45,207
I'll probably just bump into her down
the shops." But it's fucking massive!

1182
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:48,489
And now she's gone forever
and my life is pointless again.

1183
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:52,609
Sorry... you bought her a Wii Fit?

1184
00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:55,411
My dad was right, he should
have just whipped it out

1185
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,882
and splurged on my mum's arse
rather than waste it making me.

1186
00:56:01,880 --> 00:56:04,929
I still love her,
but I'll never find her.

1187
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:14,002
Si could always ask
Lucy where she is.

1188
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:16,083
Shit, yeah, Lucy'll probably know.

1189
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:18,680
- Really?
- Actually, yeah.

1190
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:21,525
She'll definitely know.
She sent her a wedding invitation.

1191
00:56:21,680 --> 00:56:23,250
Let's go. I'll Skype her now.

1192
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,289
- Shotgun.
- Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.

1193
00:56:25,440 --> 00:56:28,808
- Thanks for this, Si.
- No problem. You would do the same for me.

1194
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:32,043
- We wouldn't, your bird's a fucking nightmare.
- Fair enough.

1195
00:56:40,240 --> 00:56:43,528
So far, my travelling experience
wasn't going entirely to plan.

1196
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:47,401
I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced
at some point... but not literally.

1197
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,800
Right, you lot go and pack up
our stuff. I'll Skype Lucy.

1198
00:56:57,200 --> 00:56:58,531
Will!

1199
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:00,441
Will!

1200
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:02,646
Will!

1201
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:07,964
Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends.
It's Neil's fault. He's got this thing...

1202
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:11,203
It was fucking hysterical!
Closing down Splash Planet?

1203
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,125
I mean, everyone is talking about
what an absolute legend you are.

1204
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:16,567
- I'm a legend?
- I mean, it looked horrific.

1205
00:57:16,720 --> 00:57:18,722
- You were covered in shit, yeah?
- Yeah.

1206
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:22,885
But at the same time, it was literally the
funniest thing I've seen. We all loved it!

1207
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,805
If it made you laugh, maybe it
was worth getting conjunctivitis.

1208
00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:27,769
You're mental!

1209
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:29,968
So what do you wanna do later, then?

1210
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:31,884
Drink? Bite to eat?

1211
00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:34,168
Sea kayaking, zip lining, bungee?

1212
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,244
- Will, come on. You've gotta pack.
- I am talking, Simon.

1213
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:39,971
- Sorry about that.
- Pack? What? You can't leave!

1214
00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:43,010
The gang'll be gutted. No,
you're not actually leaving, are you?

1215
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:45,322
- Yes.
- Well, nothing's finalised.

1216
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,323
But it's the songline
ceremony tonight.

1217
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,006
Look, it's perfect for you, Will.
It's incredibly spiritual.

1218
00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:52,561
We're going to the outback.
Will should be packing up now.

1219
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:55,121
OK, well, if you're busy,
I'll leave you to it.

1220
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:58,523
No, Katie, I'm not busy. I apologise
for my friend. He's very rude.

1221
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:00,849
Now, tell me about sea kayaking.

1222
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:04,686
It's amazing. They've got these
kayaks, right, that go in the sea.

1223
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:07,366
- No way!
- It's absolutely unbelievable.

1224
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:13,683
Simon, this was not an
agreed time for Skype.

1225
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:16,002
Lucy, listen, do you know
where Jane is staying?

1226
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,731
Of course I do. Simon, we need
to talk about photographers.

1227
00:58:18,880 --> 00:58:20,928
You'll have to take out
another student loan.

1228
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,889
Christ. Really?

1229
00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:25,646
Right, fine, whatever.
Can you just get me her address?

1230
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:29,243
- And I've asked Pete to be your best man.
- Aren't I meant to decide that?

1231
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:32,643
All your friends are
massive dicks, except Pete.

1232
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,245
It's Pete or no-one.

1233
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:36,767
Great, fine. It's Pete.
Now, I need that address.

1234
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:40,083
- Pete's been amazing.
- Yeah, Pete's amazing. Please, Lucy.

1235
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,527
Thanks, mate. I am amazing. G'day.

1236
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:44,489
- Pete.
- Surprise.

1237
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:47,325
How are things down under?
And I don't mean your horrible balls.

1238
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:51,041
- Ha-ha. You've got horrible balls.
- You actually have, though.

1239
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:53,443
- Banter.
- So, go on. How is it, then?

1240
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,762
Not been eaten by a
shark yet, worse luck?

1241
00:58:55,920 --> 00:58:58,048
Thank you. Yeah,
some best man you are!

1242
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:01,602
I'm the best of the best, mate. You know it.
I should be called the brilliant man.

1243
00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:04,286
Yeah! Listen, mate,
we're in a bit of a rush.

1244
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:05,441
OK.

1245
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,444
So she's staying at Bewley
Stud Farm near Birdsville.

1246
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:12,082
I don't have the exact address because
they pick up the post from the town hotel.

1247
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:15,403
- So what's the house number?
- I told you, I don't have it.

1248
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:17,642
It's a massive farm, you div.
You'll find it.

1249
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,928
- Yeah, you div.
- Huh. Of course.

1250
00:59:20,080 --> 00:59:22,003
Over and out, Captain Kirk.

1251
00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:26,244
- Did you get it?
- Yeah.

1252
00:59:26,400 --> 00:59:28,767
She's at a stud farm near Birdsville.

1253
00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:32,242
That's me fucked. If she's at a
stud farm, then she'll have her pick.

1254
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:34,289
I've got no chance. I've lost her!

1255
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:37,206
Um, a stud farm's where
they breed horses.

1256
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:39,890
Yes, I know.

1257
00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:42,247
I'm just saying,
she really likes horses.

1258
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,762
You won't need a life vest
in the car, Will. It's dry.

1259
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:51,127
- Get that off. We're leaving.
- I'm staying here.

1260
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:54,170
- Don't be a dick. Just get in the car.
- No. I'm staying for a bit.

1261
00:59:54,320 --> 00:59:57,051
Then I'll do some real travelling
with people who do it properly.

1262
00:59:57,200 --> 00:59:59,123
Those tools in there?
They think you're a twat.

1263
00:59:59,280 --> 01:00:01,203
And I've met someone
I like who likes me.

1264
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:04,807
Will, be careful. Jay told me muff before
mates is actually a crime in Australia.

1265
01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:07,884
You think you're my mates?
You don't do any of the things I like,

1266
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:11,010
you don't talk about things I
like and you shit on my face.

1267
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:13,640
- Why would I come with you?
- I only shit on your face once.

1268
01:00:13,800 --> 01:00:16,849
I'm not sure how much clearer
I can make it. I'm not coming.

1269
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,162
Fine. Fuck you.
We'll go to Birdsville without you.

1270
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:21,846
You're being stupid. You got dumped,
just like I got dumped,

1271
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:24,970
just like Simon will probably get dumped...
Sorry, I mean divorced.

1272
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:26,406
Get over it and be realistic.

1273
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:29,723
Chasing a girl round Australia isn't
romantic, it's extreme stalking.

1274
01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:32,803
That's exactly what
you're doing to Katie.

1275
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,009
- Grow up, Simon.
- You grow up.

1276
01:00:40,160 --> 01:00:41,764
I am grown up. You should grow up.

1277
01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:44,651
- Really? Grow up.
- I am. You're not. So grow up.

1278
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,370
That's grown up. Grow up!

1279
01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:49,091
- Yeah, you should.
- We'll see who's grown up, won't we?

1280
01:00:49,240 --> 01:00:50,730
- Grow up.
- Grow up!

1281
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:53,929
- Uh, grow up!
- Grow... up!

1282
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,320
Grow up.

1283
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,730
I feel a bit sad. Can I drive?

1284
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:01,689
- Yeah, sure.
- And can I be best man?

1285
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:03,046
No, it's fucking Pete.

1286
01:01:03,200 --> 01:01:05,009
(♪ PALMA VIOLETS: RATTLESNAKE HIGHWAY)

1287
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:10,643
Here's your fucking bag!

1288
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:12,686
Grow up!

1289
01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:15,525
Off they went, the idiots.
Good riddance to them.

1290
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,690
I was gonna have an authentic
experience sea kayaking.

1291
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:24,724
And at least if I drowned,
and it looked like I might drown,

1292
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:27,042
people could say,
"He died doing what he did best:

1293
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:29,441
making a twat of himself
in front of a girl."

1294
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:32,930
Fuck! Fuck!

1295
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:39,730
Aa-aargh!

1296
01:01:40,360 --> 01:01:41,885
Aaagh!

1297
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:48,967
Whoaagh! Waagh!

1298
01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:00,050
A-wob a-bob bob?

1299
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,009
- What?
- I said, what time is it now?

1300
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,640
No, you fucking didn't.
You said, "A-wob a-bob bob."

1301
01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:08,689
- Are you sure you're OK to drive?
- Yeah, fine.

1302
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,649
Although I think I might cry again.

1303
01:02:10,800 --> 01:02:12,928
- Is it far now?
- No, it's only about...

1304
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:16,641
400 miles. You can
make that, can't you, Neil?

1305
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:18,723
Course. Got a system.

1306
01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:25,529
Maybe we should stop for a bit.

1307
01:02:27,200 --> 01:02:29,123
(PERCUSSION, HORN SOUNDS)

1308
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:51,203
(MUSIC STOPS)

1309
01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:56,682
Now we have cleansed the area
with sound, we can begin.

1310
01:02:56,840 --> 01:02:58,444
We are sitting on songlines,

1311
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:01,001
the ancient lines of power
that cross Australia.

1312
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:02,924
Can you feel the connection?

1313
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:04,764
- Yeah.
- It's amazing.

1314
01:03:04,920 --> 01:03:06,729
We carry a great responsibility.

1315
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:08,689
What we say here before the fire,

1316
01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:12,811
we transmit out, on the songlines,
to the rest of the planet.

1317
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:17,488
Let's help heal the world by throwing
all the world's negativities onto the fire.

1318
01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:19,881
Each think of a
negativity and burn it.

1319
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:21,326
What's your negativity?

1320
01:03:22,400 --> 01:03:24,323
- Narrow-mindedness.
- Good.

1321
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:26,041
Stephen?

1322
01:03:26,200 --> 01:03:28,328
Oh, God, where to start?

1323
01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,926
I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but...

1324
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:32,965
present in this moment,

1325
01:03:33,120 --> 01:03:37,682
away from the past, away from a
military father who I love so much

1326
01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:41,606
but Daddy wasn't around,
and away from a distant mother.

1327
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:44,331
(TEARFULLY) But I'm here now,
in the now, not there.

1328
01:03:45,320 --> 01:03:48,005
Just wondering how to tell
Mummy what hugs mean.

1329
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:52,407
She asked what negativity
you want to throw on the fire.

1330
01:03:53,480 --> 01:03:55,403
Oh, right. Yeah, cool.

1331
01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:58,489
- Conformity.
- Excellent.

1332
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:00,768
- Really good.
- What's your negativity, brother?

1333
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,604
Erm...

1334
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,322
- Come on.
- Erm...

1335
01:04:07,400 --> 01:04:09,402
- ...negativity.
- Yes. Which one?

1336
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:11,324
Just negativity.

1337
01:04:11,480 --> 01:04:14,962
Remember, we can help
heal the whole world.

1338
01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:17,690
- Pass.
- Pass?

1339
01:04:17,840 --> 01:04:19,888
Maybe you should just
tell me the right answer.

1340
01:04:20,320 --> 01:04:22,129
There's no right answer.

1341
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:23,884
Clearly there is, though.

1342
01:04:30,760 --> 01:04:32,330
Raw Pot Noodle, anyone?

1343
01:04:32,480 --> 01:04:34,084
Not bad, but a bit crunchy.

1344
01:04:34,240 --> 01:04:36,641
I reckon I'll probably propose
to Jane when I see her.

1345
01:04:36,800 --> 01:04:38,962
What about the Thai bird you
told me you were seeing?

1346
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,327
The black belt at firing Ping-Pong
balls out of her fanny.

1347
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,881
Oh, her? Yeah, no, she had
to go back to Vietnam.

1348
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,769
- Thailand.
- Thailand.

1349
01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:47,684
Yeah, no, Jane's the one.

1350
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:49,842
I'll be married,
and you'll be married, Si.

1351
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:52,526
- Yeah.
- So we can go on double dates and stuff.

1352
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:56,446
Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really.
Maybe being married to her will be all right.

1353
01:04:56,600 --> 01:04:59,410
- It will be.
- Gotta be easier than breaking up with her.

1354
01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:01,847
She's microwaved my PlayStation.

1355
01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:07,847
- Della?
- Um...

1356
01:05:08,880 --> 01:05:11,406
- Racism.
- Oh, I hate that.

1357
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:13,206
Ben?

1358
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,169
- Negative thoughts.
- Good.

1359
01:05:15,320 --> 01:05:16,924
How is that different
to "negativity"?

1360
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,651
Will, please,
just respect the songlines.

1361
01:05:20,200 --> 01:05:22,601
- Kristian.
- Racial hatred.

1362
01:05:22,760 --> 01:05:23,886
OTHERS: Mm.

1363
01:05:24,040 --> 01:05:25,929
Yeah, already had that one, Kris.

1364
01:05:26,080 --> 01:05:27,445
- What?
- We've had that.

1365
01:05:27,600 --> 01:05:29,170
Think of another one.

1366
01:05:29,320 --> 01:05:31,687
So you think racial
hatred is a good thing?

1367
01:05:31,840 --> 01:05:33,808
You know I'm not saying that, Ben.

1368
01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:36,566
She said, "Racism." He said,
"Racial hatred." Pick another.

1369
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:38,688
Will, there's no right
or wrong answers.

1370
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,569
Yes, there is. You know there is.

1371
01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:43,724
Let it all flow out.
We'll support you.

1372
01:05:43,880 --> 01:05:45,928
- There's no judgment here.
- So you keep saying.

1373
01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:49,243
In that case, I'd like to throw the
poor and disadvantaged onto the fire,

1374
01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:51,448
and the handicapped,
the homeless, and babies.

1375
01:05:51,600 --> 01:05:54,763
Yes, spazzy little African babies
riddled with malaria and AIDS.

1376
01:05:54,920 --> 01:05:57,844
There they go, onto the fire.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

1377
01:05:58,000 --> 01:05:59,570
- How's that?
- That is wrong.

1378
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,245
Yep, thought it might be.

1379
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:05,171
Excuse me.

1380
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:08,928
I throw anger onto the fire.

1381
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:10,525
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

1382
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:13,047
- Stephen?
- Infidelity.

1383
01:06:13,600 --> 01:06:15,967
Oh, will you just fucking let it go?

1384
01:06:19,920 --> 01:06:21,331
Will, are you OK?

1385
01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:22,811
Yeah.

1386
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:25,725
- Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin it.
- Oh, no, you didn't.

1387
01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:27,928
No, we still had an
amazing connection.

1388
01:06:28,080 --> 01:06:29,923
Oh, good. That's good.

1389
01:06:30,080 --> 01:06:33,971
Listen, whatever your energy is
when you interact over fire stones,

1390
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:36,521
that's your song,
and your song is humour.

1391
01:06:36,680 --> 01:06:37,681
Oh.

1392
01:06:37,840 --> 01:06:39,888
- Thank you.
- And also anger.

1393
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:43,169
You have a large,
quite deep anger song in you.

1394
01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:44,765
Frustration, maybe.

1395
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:49,289
And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour
song with the anger song singing so very loud.

1396
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:53,443
You do like me, don't you, Katie?

1397
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:55,524
Of course I do.

1398
01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:01,528
Sorry, Ben, this is a private party.

1399
01:07:01,680 --> 01:07:03,603
Oh, OK.

1400
01:07:12,160 --> 01:07:13,764
See you later.

1401
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:17,764
Are you OK?

1402
01:07:17,920 --> 01:07:19,843
- That was horrible.
- What was?

1403
01:07:20,240 --> 01:07:22,846
Him just kissing you like that.
Do you want me to call somebody?

1404
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:25,571
- He shouldn't get away with that.
- Oh, I know.

1405
01:07:25,720 --> 01:07:27,404
He can be such a tease.

1406
01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:31,611
- Tease?
- He knows that drives me crazy.

1407
01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:33,489
Crazy angry, right?

1408
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:35,371
And tingly.

1409
01:07:35,520 --> 01:07:38,046
Bad tingly, like really
severe pins and needles?

1410
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:40,043
Oh, God, no. Nice.

1411
01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:42,248
It's scary. I don't
know how he does it.

1412
01:07:43,120 --> 01:07:45,043
What is happening here?

1413
01:07:45,680 --> 01:07:48,047
We've been having this
on/off thing for ages,

1414
01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:51,409
and he drives me mental when
we fight, but, in the end,

1415
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:54,040
the animal urge,
it's just too much to ignore.

1416
01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:57,044
- You said he was a dick.
- Will, I wish you'd get to know him.

1417
01:07:57,200 --> 01:07:59,202
He is such a spiritual guy.

1418
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:02,770
So you're with him,
even though you kissed me?

1419
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:05,441
Will, I like you. I kissed you.

1420
01:08:05,600 --> 01:08:08,126
But I kiss a lot of people,
especially when I'm drunk.

1421
01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:12,444
What Ben and I have,
it's a deep lust for each other.

1422
01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:14,841
- It's spiritual.
- Right, that's the last time.

1423
01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:16,968
Even the dictionary
definition of spiritual,

1424
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:19,248
which I looked up,
suggests it's about the soul,

1425
01:08:19,400 --> 01:08:21,402
another vague and probably
non-existent concept.

1426
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:23,722
I don't think you get it.
But that's cool.

1427
01:08:23,880 --> 01:08:26,326
No, no, I get it all right,
you patronising cow.

1428
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:29,290
It's you twats that don't get it.
That's right, I called you twats.

1429
01:08:29,440 --> 01:08:30,521
Chill, Will.

1430
01:08:30,680 --> 01:08:33,490
Playing the guitar badly,
wearing beads, talking about one love,

1431
01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:37,035
pretending you're friends with Central
American villagers, who, by the way,

1432
01:08:37,136 --> 01:08:40,566
despise you, before heading to your
parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey,

1433
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:43,087
doesn't make you a spiritual person,
it makes you a bellend.

1434
01:08:43,240 --> 01:08:45,641
I think you're right
about his song, Katie.

1435
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:48,963
Fuck off, Ben! You don't believe
in songlines any more than I do.

1436
01:08:49,120 --> 01:08:50,963
It's just a way to seem
interesting to girls

1437
01:08:51,120 --> 01:08:53,441
because deep down,
you're boring and pretentious,

1438
01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:55,170
like your stupid fucking dreadlocks,

1439
01:08:55,320 --> 01:08:57,891
which, by the way, always look
embarrassing on white people.

1440
01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,328
They're not countercultural.
They scream, "I've got a trust fund."

1441
01:09:01,480 --> 01:09:05,201
So get a normal haircut,
you unbearable prick. Goodbye.

1442
01:09:08,720 --> 01:09:11,166
I may have won the battle,
but I'd lost the war.

1443
01:09:11,320 --> 01:09:13,607
By now, my real friends were
hundreds of miles away,

1444
01:09:13,760 --> 01:09:16,411
but my fake friends were
a little too close to home.

1445
01:09:16,560 --> 01:09:18,164
- BEN: I don't lose.
- (KATIE MOANS) Oh, Ben.

1446
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:20,800
I don't lose. I don't lose.

1447
01:09:21,800 --> 01:09:24,565
- I... don't... lose!
- (ECSTATICALLY) Oh, Ben!

1448
01:09:24,920 --> 01:09:26,843
(♪ VANCE JOY: RIPTIDE)

1449
01:09:27,400 --> 01:09:31,246
<i>♪ Uh-oh-oh-oh, and they come unstuck</i>

1450
01:09:32,480 --> 01:09:35,484
<i>♪ Lady, running down to the riptide</i>

1451
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:37,404
<i>♪ Taken away to the dark side...</i>

1452
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:39,531
WOMAN: One ticket to Birdsville.

1453
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:41,842
So that'll be $350.

1454
01:09:43,720 --> 01:09:45,961
- Have you flown this route before?
- No.

1455
01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:47,804
OK. You'll want these, then.

1456
01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:50,964
There's some sick bags,
because you are gonna be sick.

1457
01:09:53,040 --> 01:09:54,565
Oh, fuck!

1458
01:09:54,720 --> 01:09:58,361
Oh, my Go-o-o-d!

1459
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:02,209
- Get out, you pommy mongrels.
- See you later. They were nice.

1460
01:10:02,360 --> 01:10:04,010
Apart from when they
tried to fight us.

1461
01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:06,561
It's the next property,
just down the Birdsville Track.

1462
01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:08,404
Yeah, not far now, mate.

1463
01:10:14,280 --> 01:10:17,409
- Wait! Wait!
- What the fuck is that?

1464
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:20,443
Guys! Wait!

1465
01:10:20,600 --> 01:10:21,931
(GROANS)

1466
01:10:22,080 --> 01:10:23,764
I think it's a prick.

1467
01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:32,410
(PANTING)

1468
01:10:33,160 --> 01:10:34,730
I had to get here.

1469
01:10:34,880 --> 01:10:37,850
I'm just so lost at the
moment with uni and...

1470
01:10:38,920 --> 01:10:43,369
I know I've made some bad decisions but
I'm finding it hard to know who I am.

1471
01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:46,804
- Don't worry about that. Leave that.
- We'd better get going.

1472
01:10:46,960 --> 01:10:48,450
Listen, please.

1473
01:10:48,600 --> 01:10:51,206
I don't have many friends
and I thought those people...

1474
01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:52,407
Nudgies.

1475
01:10:52,560 --> 01:10:53,925
(LAUGHTER)

1476
01:10:54,880 --> 01:10:56,530
Get in.

1477
01:11:01,000 --> 01:11:02,923
Ooh, you're hard.

1478
01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:05,923
(♪ UNITY FLOORS: HOLY HELL)

1479
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:10,883
<i>♪ Mandatory</i>

1480
01:11:13,040 --> 01:11:14,121
(LAUGHTER)

1481
01:11:15,160 --> 01:11:17,288
<i>♪ We can get in the car,
we can give it a spin</i>

1482
01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:19,886
<i>♪ Make a break from the crowd,
see how close we can get</i>

1483
01:11:20,040 --> 01:11:22,566
(ALL CHANTING)
Next farm! Next farm! Next farm!

1484
01:11:22,720 --> 01:11:24,529
Next farm! Next farm!

1485
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:26,330
Next farm! Next farm...

1486
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:32,241
Did they say exactly how
far the next farm is?

1487
01:11:32,400 --> 01:11:34,289
Shit. We're on the white
bit of the petrol meter.

1488
01:11:34,440 --> 01:11:37,669
Don't worry about that, that's a con,
by car makers and oil people,

1489
01:11:37,770 --> 01:11:40,689
to get you to buy more. I went to
Portugal and back on the white bit.

1490
01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:44,128
- I don't know. It looks quite low.
- Please, let's just keep going.

1491
01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:47,489
There's bound to be a petrol
station round here somewhere.

1492
01:12:00,720 --> 01:12:02,006
(CAR MISFIRES)

1493
01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:03,846
Oh, shit.

1494
01:12:04,000 --> 01:12:06,890
Don't worry. I'll just coast
it for a couple of miles.

1495
01:12:18,520 --> 01:12:22,127
- It's very hot in here.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I had the heating on.

1496
01:12:23,560 --> 01:12:25,881
What now? Wait for someone
to pass by to help?

1497
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:28,407
Bollocks. Just phone the AA
and they'll come pick us up.

1498
01:12:28,560 --> 01:12:30,483
How's the reception on your phone?

1499
01:12:31,320 --> 01:12:33,163
- Oh, fuck!
- Exactly.

1500
01:12:33,320 --> 01:12:35,368
We should get out of the car,
though. It's an oven.

1501
01:12:40,400 --> 01:12:42,129
(EXHALING)

1502
01:12:42,680 --> 01:12:44,682
It's not that much cooler
out of the car, to be fair.

1503
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:46,763
All right, we're in a
bit of a spot here.

1504
01:12:46,920 --> 01:12:48,445
We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.

1505
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:50,045
How much water have we got?

1506
01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,440
None.

1507
01:12:51,920 --> 01:12:53,331
OK. Bad start.

1508
01:12:53,480 --> 01:12:56,768
We'll be fine. There'll probably be a
wise old Aboriginal along any minute.

1509
01:12:56,920 --> 01:13:00,322
Think. In the two hours since we left
Birdsville, how many cars have we seen?

1510
01:13:00,480 --> 01:13:01,720
Ooh. None.

1511
01:13:01,880 --> 01:13:04,121
None is correct. Now,
how many wise old Aboriginals?

1512
01:13:04,280 --> 01:13:05,361
- None.
- None.

1513
01:13:05,520 --> 01:13:07,488
Fucking none. We aren't
in England any more.

1514
01:13:07,640 --> 01:13:09,404
We're somewhere genuinely dangerous.

1515
01:13:09,560 --> 01:13:11,449
Don't shit your pants.
I know Australia.

1516
01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:14,001
- Someone will be along in a minute.
- But what if they aren't?

1517
01:13:14,160 --> 01:13:16,367
- They will be.
- Anyone want a drink?

1518
01:13:16,520 --> 01:13:18,966
- Have you got water?
- No, just wondered.

1519
01:13:19,120 --> 01:13:21,726
- I'm really thirsty.
- We need a survival plan.

1520
01:13:21,880 --> 01:13:23,291
No, I doubt it.

1521
01:13:23,440 --> 01:13:25,283
In the desert without water,
we'll die in a day.

1522
01:13:25,440 --> 01:13:28,330
- I think we're going to be fine.
- How, Simon?

1523
01:13:28,480 --> 01:13:30,209
Tell me how we're gonna be fine.

1524
01:13:30,360 --> 01:13:32,283
- People will be looking for us.
- Who?

1525
01:13:32,440 --> 01:13:35,091
Who even knows we're missing,
or cares? Your dad?

1526
01:13:35,240 --> 01:13:36,366
Jay's uncle?

1527
01:13:36,520 --> 01:13:38,761
Your mum, if she wasn't
getting fucked by a stranger.

1528
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:41,400
- (LAUGHS)
- It's nasty, but it's probably true.

1529
01:13:41,560 --> 01:13:43,369
- We could drink our piss.
- What?

1530
01:13:43,520 --> 01:13:46,330
It's all right. I do it occasionally.
I ate a bit of my spunk once too.

1531
01:13:46,480 --> 01:13:48,289
You're grim, mate.

1532
01:13:48,440 --> 01:13:50,249
I need a piss and it seems
a shame to waste it.

1533
01:13:51,520 --> 01:13:53,045
Up to you.

1534
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:56,450
Neil, do you have to do that here?

1535
01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,728
If you can't see it coming
out the end, it's not rude.

1536
01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:00,325
Wait a minute.

1537
01:14:00,480 --> 01:14:04,371
There's probably water in the windscreen
washer pot. We could share that out.

1538
01:14:06,040 --> 01:14:08,202
Perfect. This should keep us going.

1539
01:14:08,760 --> 01:14:10,410
Uncle Jay sorts it again.

1540
01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:18,445
(RETCHES)

1541
01:14:24,520 --> 01:14:26,284
- It was soap.
- Obviously.

1542
01:14:26,440 --> 01:14:27,930
Seriously, we do need a plan.

1543
01:14:28,080 --> 01:14:30,401
I saw that film where the bloke
got stuck in the desert but lived.

1544
01:14:30,560 --> 01:14:32,642
- What did he do?
- Cut his arm off with a penknife.

1545
01:14:32,800 --> 01:14:34,450
Right. Any other ideas?

1546
01:14:34,600 --> 01:14:36,841
I watched every episode of
Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild.

1547
01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:38,729
OK. Now we're getting somewhere.

1548
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:41,360
What would Bear suggest we
do in this situation, Neil?

1549
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:45,161
OK, when we get a salmon, just bite
into the middle, even though it's raw.

1550
01:14:45,320 --> 01:14:48,164
There isn't any water. Where do we
get a salmon, you fucking idiot?

1551
01:14:49,400 --> 01:14:50,481
Shop.

1552
01:14:52,960 --> 01:14:55,566
Neil's got a point. Split up
and search for water sources.

1553
01:14:55,720 --> 01:14:57,643
- And a salmon.
- Yes.

1554
01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:22,604
Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for
not teaching me how to find water,

1555
01:15:22,760 --> 01:15:25,286
the only thing I would need to
know in my entire fucking life.

1556
01:15:25,440 --> 01:15:27,647
"Go and do a sociology degree.
That'll be fucking helpful."

1557
01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:29,609
(♪ SHAKEY GRAVES: ROLL THE BONES)

1558
01:15:29,760 --> 01:15:33,845
<i>♪ Well, so it goes, yeah, so it goes</i>

1559
01:15:34,000 --> 01:15:35,923
Si, quick! Look!

1560
01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:41,210
<i>♪ That sweet heirloom,
them abbey stones</i>

1561
01:15:44,240 --> 01:15:49,326
<i>♪ Yeah, let's take a chance
oh, and roll the bones</i>

1562
01:15:49,560 --> 01:15:51,164
OK, learn from your mistakes.

1563
01:15:51,320 --> 01:15:55,166
Wandering around failing to find water
just uses up calories. We've learnt that.

1564
01:15:55,960 --> 01:15:58,327
I can't believe we didn't
bring any sun cream.

1565
01:15:58,480 --> 01:16:00,482
Not even, like, factor eight.

1566
01:16:00,640 --> 01:16:03,530
Even some shitty factor eight
would make the situation better.

1567
01:16:03,680 --> 01:16:05,921
God, I'd love some
factor eight right now.

1568
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:09,405
Oh, my gosh. A lake!

1569
01:16:09,560 --> 01:16:11,767
A fucking lake! We're saved.

1570
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:13,888
But I can't believe we
never spotted that.

1571
01:16:14,240 --> 01:16:16,288
- It's a mirage, Neil.
- Is that Australian for lake?

1572
01:16:16,440 --> 01:16:18,681
It means cos you're hot,
you're seeing things.

1573
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:22,287
- What if it is a lake?
- You're seeing things. It's an illusion.

1574
01:16:22,440 --> 01:16:24,522
If I was seeing things,
I'd be seeing cool things,

1575
01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:26,603
like Optimus Prime
banging Katy Perry,

1576
01:16:26,760 --> 01:16:29,445
or Jay the size of a house but all
his fingers are Cadbury's Flakes.

1577
01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:32,968
- I want water more than anything.
- I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry.

1578
01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:35,771
This is it. We're saved.
Thank you, Bear Grylls!

1579
01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:03,486
No-o-o-o!

1580
01:17:03,640 --> 01:17:04,926
(SOBS)

1581
01:17:05,080 --> 01:17:07,003
- I told him so.
- I know you did.

1582
01:17:08,160 --> 01:17:10,527
- Can we start panicking now?
- Yeah.

1583
01:17:11,400 --> 01:17:13,562
No-o-o-o!

1584
01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,209
I bet they use a shit picture.

1585
01:17:22,360 --> 01:17:23,646
What?

1586
01:17:23,800 --> 01:17:25,245
When they report us being dead,

1587
01:17:25,400 --> 01:17:27,243
I bet they use a picture
where my hair looks shit.

1588
01:17:27,400 --> 01:17:29,129
They'll have plenty to choose from.

1589
01:17:29,280 --> 01:17:31,487
And I'll be described
as engaged, for fuck's sake.

1590
01:17:31,640 --> 01:17:34,120
I bet Lucy'll love that.
She'll milk the attention, the cow.

1591
01:17:34,280 --> 01:17:36,408
- I don't think you'll be that bothered.
- I will.

1592
01:17:36,560 --> 01:17:39,006
I don't think you will be.
Cos, crucially, you'll be dead.

1593
01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:41,925
Stone fucking dead,
just like we all will.

1594
01:17:43,480 --> 01:17:45,881
Oh, God. I don't wanna die.

1595
01:17:55,200 --> 01:17:57,885
For fuck's sake,
I'm too dehydrated to cry.

1596
01:17:58,720 --> 01:18:00,324
I wish my mum was here.

1597
01:18:00,480 --> 01:18:02,767
- Does she deliver water?
- She does when I'm nearby.

1598
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:04,570
(COUGHS)

1599
01:18:07,240 --> 01:18:08,730
From her fanny.

1600
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:12,331
I'm so fucking thirsty.

1601
01:18:12,480 --> 01:18:15,563
Do you wanna try the spunk thing?
It's a bit like a salty smoothie.

1602
01:18:15,720 --> 01:18:18,246
I can't think of anything I wanna
do less right now than wank.

1603
01:18:18,400 --> 01:18:21,370
Jesus, things are even more
serious than I thought.

1604
01:18:22,000 --> 01:18:23,968
Neil, if you can piss
again now, I'll drink it.

1605
01:18:24,120 --> 01:18:25,929
You should really only
drink your own, Si.

1606
01:18:26,600 --> 01:18:28,364
I'm so dehydrated, I can't piss.

1607
01:18:28,920 --> 01:18:30,968
Neil, please, help.

1608
01:18:31,880 --> 01:18:33,564
I'm dying.

1609
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:37,443
Course, mate.

1610
01:19:03,240 --> 01:19:04,890
Sorry, Si. I've got no more piss.

1611
01:19:05,040 --> 01:19:07,202
That's all right, mate.
Thanks for trying.

1612
01:19:07,360 --> 01:19:09,966
I was trying, Si, I really was.
It's just... Oh.

1613
01:19:17,840 --> 01:19:19,330
And there was that bit.

1614
01:19:30,320 --> 01:19:32,800
I'm hot, then cold, then hot.

1615
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:36,207
- Then really cold.
- And you stink of piss.

1616
01:19:36,360 --> 01:19:38,840
I really didn't think
dying would be like this.

1617
01:19:39,000 --> 01:19:41,241
It's knackering to get
wound up about it.

1618
01:19:41,760 --> 01:19:43,205
Just let it happen, I reckon.

1619
01:19:44,160 --> 01:19:46,447
No. Please fight it, Jay.

1620
01:19:46,760 --> 01:19:48,683
There's something I need to say.

1621
01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:51,290
What?

1622
01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:55,169
- Sorry.
- Oh, mate.

1623
01:19:55,320 --> 01:19:57,687
I am. I'm sorry.

1624
01:19:58,480 --> 01:20:00,005
Just...

1625
01:20:01,000 --> 01:20:02,206
Sorry.

1626
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,525
It don't matter.

1627
01:20:07,320 --> 01:20:09,971
There's something I always
meant to ask you guys, too.

1628
01:20:10,120 --> 01:20:11,804
What is it, mate?

1629
01:20:12,280 --> 01:20:14,203
How long after a poo
can you have sex?

1630
01:20:15,080 --> 01:20:17,128
Please don't make
this my last thought.

1631
01:20:17,280 --> 01:20:19,089
I never found out, and...

1632
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:21,163
(SOBS) ...now I'll never know.

1633
01:20:24,920 --> 01:20:26,729
I can't see very well.

1634
01:20:26,880 --> 01:20:28,803
I think it's just the brightness.

1635
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:32,723
Close your eyes.

1636
01:20:35,520 --> 01:20:37,443
- But you said...
- I know.

1637
01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:41,131
Here.

1638
01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:48,201
Neil.

1639
01:20:50,480 --> 01:20:53,689
- (TEARFULLY) For bants.
- Yeah, for bants.

1640
01:21:01,160 --> 01:21:02,400
That's better.

1641
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:04,085
Die, then?

1642
01:21:07,120 --> 01:21:09,043
Sorry, Dad.

1643
01:21:11,040 --> 01:21:12,963
Sorry, Jane.

1644
01:21:15,680 --> 01:21:18,889
It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?
I've always liked sleep.

1645
01:21:20,280 --> 01:21:21,850
Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil.

1646
01:21:23,760 --> 01:21:25,683
All right, then.

1647
01:21:27,080 --> 01:21:28,161
Cheers.

1648
01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:32,963
Is this proper travelling?

1649
01:21:34,360 --> 01:21:35,521
Yeah.

1650
01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:37,811
Yeah, it is.

1651
01:21:40,720 --> 01:21:42,643
- Shall we?
- Yeah, I suppose.

1652
01:22:31,440 --> 01:22:33,442
(FOOTSTEPS)

1653
01:22:34,680 --> 01:22:36,205
Jesus Christ.

1654
01:22:40,080 --> 01:22:41,889
- Are you a mirage?
- I don't know.

1655
01:22:42,040 --> 01:22:44,042
Would a mirage call
you a stupid cunt?

1656
01:22:46,000 --> 01:22:47,411
We're saved! We're saved!

1657
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:49,562
We're saved! We're saved!
We're saved!

1658
01:22:49,720 --> 01:22:51,643
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

1659
01:22:52,320 --> 01:22:55,881
Fuck me, you poms love a drama!
You've only been out here two hours.

1660
01:22:56,640 --> 01:22:58,165
We're alive!

1661
01:23:00,640 --> 01:23:02,324
Jane! Jane!

1662
01:23:02,480 --> 01:23:05,768
- Jane.
- Jay, oh, my God. Look at you!

1663
01:23:05,920 --> 01:23:08,651
I love you. Will you marry me?

1664
01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:11,563
I'm sorry about the Wii Fit.

1665
01:23:12,480 --> 01:23:13,970
No, Jay.

1666
01:23:20,600 --> 01:23:22,728
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.

1667
01:23:22,880 --> 01:23:26,771
Jay, did you really come all this
way out here just to find me?

1668
01:23:26,920 --> 01:23:28,206
Yeah.

1669
01:23:28,880 --> 01:23:30,291
But...

1670
01:23:31,960 --> 01:23:34,725
not because I miss you,
but because I've got an STD,

1671
01:23:34,880 --> 01:23:37,281
and the doctor said I have to
tell all my former lovers,

1672
01:23:37,440 --> 01:23:39,169
and you're the last, number 6,004.

1673
01:23:39,960 --> 01:23:41,928
So, that's that dealt with. Good.

1674
01:23:42,080 --> 01:23:43,684
6,004?

1675
01:23:43,840 --> 01:23:45,729
Don't forget, a lot
of them was orgies.

1676
01:23:45,880 --> 01:23:47,006
(LAUGHS)

1677
01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:49,322
Everything's been
rubbish since you left.

1678
01:23:50,160 --> 01:23:51,844
I work in a toilet
and I live in a tent.

1679
01:23:52,000 --> 01:23:53,729
Oh, come here.

1680
01:24:00,200 --> 01:24:02,168
So, do you wanna get back together?

1681
01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:04,483
No. No, that's definitely
not happening.

1682
01:24:04,640 --> 01:24:07,405
- Hashtag dumped again.
- Come on, let's get you home.

1683
01:24:07,560 --> 01:24:10,928
Last time I saw something that soppy,
I was pulling my cock out of it.

1684
01:24:11,080 --> 01:24:14,050
- Let's head back to the farm.
- I'm not sure we're in a state to travel.

1685
01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,725
We need serious medical attention.

1686
01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:18,406
What you need is some fucking
after sun and a beer.

1687
01:24:18,560 --> 01:24:21,643
Now, take your clothes
off and get in the ute.

1688
01:24:21,800 --> 01:24:23,609
Shit. Mum was right.

1689
01:24:23,760 --> 01:24:25,808
It's the best thing
for the sunstroke.

1690
01:24:26,200 --> 01:24:28,123
You need the heat to
leave your body quickly.

1691
01:24:28,280 --> 01:24:30,169
Right, fine. Of course.

1692
01:24:30,920 --> 01:24:33,287
Plus, it makes you easier to rape.

1693
01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:37,409
We couldn't wait to
leave the outback,

1694
01:24:37,560 --> 01:24:39,961
although some things would
stay with us forever...

1695
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:42,248
mainly the sight of
Neil's meaty penis.

1696
01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:46,851
Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car
and then we headed back to civilisation...

1697
01:24:47,680 --> 01:24:50,411
if you can call Uncle
Bryan's house civilised.

1698
01:24:50,560 --> 01:24:51,721
Neil pissed all over my head,

1699
01:24:51,880 --> 01:24:53,882
but I didn't manage to drink any,
then we gave up.

1700
01:24:54,040 --> 01:24:55,849
But the stud farm sent
people to look for us,

1701
01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:57,923
and we were on the news...
they called us pommy morons.

1702
01:24:58,080 --> 01:24:59,809
Everyone has flown over,
they were worried.

1703
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:02,884
But everything's changed, Luce.
I am so lucky to be alive.

1704
01:25:03,040 --> 01:25:05,202
And this world is just the
most beautiful thing.

1705
01:25:05,360 --> 01:25:07,761
You are so great and I
can't wait to get married.

1706
01:25:07,920 --> 01:25:09,285
I love you, Lucy.

1707
01:25:10,680 --> 01:25:12,603
I've been sleeping with Pete.

1708
01:25:13,360 --> 01:25:14,407
Sorry?

1709
01:25:14,560 --> 01:25:17,882
Me and your best man Pete
have been having sex.

1710
01:25:18,040 --> 01:25:19,849
Good sex.

1711
01:25:20,000 --> 01:25:23,163
Is this role playing again,
like when I said I'd bummed Will?

1712
01:25:23,320 --> 01:25:25,322
TERRY: You're such a dopey prick.

1713
01:25:25,480 --> 01:25:27,528
I still can't believe you
come out of me nut sacks.

1714
01:25:27,680 --> 01:25:30,126
Your nut sacks? I can't believe
we're the same species.

1715
01:25:30,280 --> 01:25:31,850
Look at him, weedy and retarded.

1716
01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:35,561
He's like one of them X-Men freaks,
Doctor Lawn Fucker or something.

1717
01:25:35,720 --> 01:25:38,564
Oh, my God, my petal, my darling!

1718
01:25:39,120 --> 01:25:41,885
- I missed you so much.
- I was lost in the desert too.

1719
01:25:42,880 --> 01:25:46,009
I don't really want to be friends,
but Pete said it'd be better if we were.

1720
01:25:46,160 --> 01:25:47,525
Wait a minute.

1721
01:25:47,680 --> 01:25:49,409
- You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.

1722
01:25:49,560 --> 01:25:52,962
So I'm single and now Pete
has to go out with you?

1723
01:25:53,120 --> 01:25:54,485
Yes, Simon!

1724
01:25:54,640 --> 01:25:57,405
Ye-e-e-s!

1725
01:25:57,800 --> 01:25:59,609
Fucking brilliant!

1726
01:25:59,760 --> 01:26:01,569
- Oh, hello, Mrs McKenzie.
- Hello, Simon.

1727
01:26:01,720 --> 01:26:03,449
Your parents asked me
to check if you're OK.

1728
01:26:03,600 --> 01:26:06,365
Me? Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.

1729
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:08,488
Sorry, sir. Sorry.
I didn't mean to swear.

1730
01:26:08,640 --> 01:26:11,849
Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here?
You have no jurisdiction.

1731
01:26:12,000 --> 01:26:14,651
Oh, Phil's just... helping me
out with a couple of things.

1732
01:26:14,800 --> 01:26:16,370
I don't follow. "Phil"?

1733
01:26:16,520 --> 01:26:18,682
Do I need to spell it
out for you, McKenzie?

1734
01:26:18,840 --> 01:26:19,841
OK.

1735
01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:21,968
Well, when a man loves
a lady very much,

1736
01:26:22,120 --> 01:26:26,603
blood rushes to the genital area,
enlarging significantly the penis.

1737
01:26:26,760 --> 01:26:30,481
- Or, in this case, my penis.
- I mean, we wanted to tell you in person,

1738
01:26:30,640 --> 01:26:33,325
then you getting lost was the perfect
excuse to come and see you.

1739
01:26:33,480 --> 01:26:35,528
Then we thought,
"Let's make it into a holiday."

1740
01:26:35,680 --> 01:26:39,127
Have you got any recommendations?
We've booked a Barrier Reef tour.

1741
01:26:39,280 --> 01:26:41,806
Yes. I'm very much looking
forward to going diving.

1742
01:26:41,960 --> 01:26:43,405
(LAUGHS)

1743
01:26:55,640 --> 01:26:57,449
OK, so here's some bad news.

1744
01:26:57,600 --> 01:27:00,763
It turns out we did die in the desert,
because I appear to be in hell.

1745
01:27:00,920 --> 01:27:04,129
Jesus Christ, mate,
don't get me wrong,

1746
01:27:04,280 --> 01:27:05,850
I'm glad you stopped
fucking me garden,

1747
01:27:06,000 --> 01:27:08,367
but what was you thinking going
all that way for a fat chick?

1748
01:27:09,240 --> 01:27:11,641
- What did you just say?
- About the spunk hole?

1749
01:27:11,800 --> 01:27:14,007
- No, after that.
- About you chasing the fat chick?

1750
01:27:14,160 --> 01:27:17,209
You're lucky Fatty Boom Boom didn't
eat you out there in the desert.

1751
01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:19,522
Them fat chicks get
so fucking hungry...

1752
01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:24,766
Yeah, no, yeah, good.
I mean, good for trying.

1753
01:27:24,920 --> 01:27:26,809
Weak as fuck, obviously,
more like a slap.

1754
01:27:26,960 --> 01:27:29,122
You taught him how to
punch like a girl, I presume?

1755
01:27:29,280 --> 01:27:31,521
- Watch it, Bryan.
- Least your boy's got some spunk.

1756
01:27:31,680 --> 01:27:33,569
But it's mainly round his
mouth and arsehole.

1757
01:27:33,720 --> 01:27:36,564
- I said watch it.
- Or what? You'll slap me too?

1758
01:27:36,720 --> 01:27:38,643
- You...
- Here we go.

1759
01:27:38,800 --> 01:27:41,007
Get in there! Get in there,
you ugly fuck!

1760
01:27:41,880 --> 01:27:45,327
I'll give it to you. Then I'll
fucking give it to you again.

1761
01:27:45,480 --> 01:27:47,847
Shall we go? It's getting a
bit like my cousin's wedding.

1762
01:27:48,000 --> 01:27:50,241
- Yeah.
- In your fucking dreams.

1763
01:27:50,400 --> 01:27:53,006
WILL: I was thinking about not
going back to England for a bit.

1764
01:27:53,160 --> 01:27:55,766
Do some more travelling.
Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it?

1765
01:27:55,920 --> 01:27:58,651
I'm in. I've still got some shit
to sort out for the CIA there.

1766
01:27:58,800 --> 01:27:59,961
- Neil?
- I'd like to go travelling.

1767
01:28:00,120 --> 01:28:01,690
Go far enough,
we might find your mum.

1768
01:28:01,840 --> 01:28:03,251
- Fuck off.
- Sorry, Neil.

1769
01:28:03,400 --> 01:28:06,370
My Ping-Pong fanny girl's got a mate,
I could set you two up.

1770
01:28:06,520 --> 01:28:07,760
- Nice one.
- Shake on it?

1771
01:28:07,920 --> 01:28:09,445
- Cheers, mate.
- He's a ladyboy.

1772
01:28:09,600 --> 01:28:11,568
- Oh, fuck!
- Too late. You shook on it. Bad luck.

1773
01:28:11,720 --> 01:28:13,449
- Bants?
- No, you've gotta fuck a man with tits.

1774
01:28:13,600 --> 01:28:15,284
- Or a girl with a penis.
- Will, help me out.

1775
01:28:15,440 --> 01:28:16,601
Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.

1776
01:28:16,760 --> 01:28:19,240
I suppose I'd better just
stick to the top half.

1777
01:28:19,400 --> 01:28:21,243
(♪ INXS: NEW SENSATION)

1778
01:28:27,280 --> 01:28:29,203
<i>♪ Live, baby, live</i>

1779
01:28:30,000 --> 01:28:31,923
<i>♪ Now that the day is over</i>

1780
01:28:34,440 --> 01:28:37,091
<i>♪ I got a new sensation</i>

1781
01:28:38,920 --> 01:28:41,127
<i>♪ In perfect moments</i>

1782
01:28:42,680 --> 01:28:45,729
<i>♪ But so impossible to refuse</i>

1783
01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:53,203
<i>♪ Sleep, baby, sleep</i>

1784
01:28:53,920 --> 01:28:55,729
<i>♪ Now that the night is over</i>

1785
01:28:58,600 --> 01:29:01,570
<i>♪ And the sun comes like a god</i>

1786
01:29:02,680 --> 01:29:04,603
<i>♪ Into our room</i>

1787
01:29:06,720 --> 01:29:10,486
<i>♪ All perfect light and promises</i>

1788
01:29:11,200 --> 01:29:13,123
Kombucha!

1789
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:15,649
<i>♪ Got a hold on you</i>

1790
01:29:15,800 --> 01:29:18,929
<i>♪ A new sensation, a new sensation</i>

1791
01:29:21,400 --> 01:29:23,209
<i>♪ It's gonna take you over</i>

1792
01:29:23,360 --> 01:29:26,807
<i>♪ A new sensation, a new sensation</i>

1793
01:29:26,960 --> 01:29:28,883
<i>♪ Dream, baby, dream</i>

1794
01:29:30,040 --> 01:29:31,963
<i>♪ Of all that's come and going</i>

1795
01:29:34,360 --> 01:29:37,364
<i>♪ And you will find out in the end</i>

1796
01:29:38,600 --> 01:29:40,523
<i>♪ There really is</i>

1797
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:43,763
<i>♪ There really is no difference</i>

1798
01:29:50,920 --> 01:29:52,843
<i>♪ Cry, baby, cry</i>

1799
01:29:53,880 --> 01:29:55,450
<i>♪ When you got to get it out...</i>

1800
01:29:58,720 --> 01:30:00,165
What the fuck?

1801
01:30:00,920 --> 01:30:03,207
All right? OK. Ease off.

1802
01:30:03,360 --> 01:30:05,249
I guess that's gonna be a problem?

1803
01:30:06,840 --> 01:30:08,205
(LAUGHS)

1804
01:30:08,720 --> 01:30:10,449
- Oh, fuck off! Fuck off!
- Simon.

1805
01:30:10,600 --> 01:30:11,601
- We love it.
- Fuck off.

1806
01:30:11,760 --> 01:30:13,046
What's up with him?

1807
01:30:13,520 --> 01:30:16,649
<i>♪ Are you ready for a new sensation?</i>

1808
01:30:16,800 --> 01:30:18,165
(SQUEALS)

1809
01:30:18,320 --> 01:30:20,129
<i>♪ Right now</i>

1810
01:30:21,400 --> 01:30:23,323
<i>♪ It's gonna take you over</i>

1811
01:30:23,560 --> 01:30:25,722
Dad, this is Nikki.
Nikki, this is Dad.

1812
01:30:25,880 --> 01:30:27,086
Hi.

1813
01:30:30,720 --> 01:30:32,643
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1814
01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:34,565
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1815
01:30:34,960 --> 01:30:36,803
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1816
01:30:36,960 --> 01:30:38,485
<i>♪ Right now</i>

1817
01:30:39,400 --> 01:30:40,811
<i>♪ It's got a hold on you</i>

1818
01:30:40,960 --> 01:30:42,485
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1819
01:30:42,840 --> 01:30:44,604
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1820
01:30:45,000 --> 01:30:46,809
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>

1821
01:30:46,960 --> 01:30:49,088
<i>♪ Yeah</i>

1822
01:30:51,000 --> 01:30:52,729
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

1823
01:30:53,120 --> 01:30:55,043
<i>♪ A new sensation</i>