Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org
Deep in the woods a nymph did lay,
a thousand years well hidden.
Until a knight dared one day
to claim his prize forbidden.
Come midnight in the forest deep the maiden he embraced,
awakened from her timeless sleep,
pure blood she had to taste.
This was not just a fleeting whim,
more than a kiss she stole.
The breath of life she took from him,
for she was but... a troll!
The troll had magic powers,
and he changed shape at will.
And at the solstice hour,
began to show his skill.
My, who are you? A silly green munchkin?
Amei, omown, youmou, nomow!
My book of magic!
This way with you!
After her! She's fleeing!
Hurry.
- There she is! - She's getting away!
Time is of the essence. Make haste.
Move thy buttocks!
I'd rather shake your buttocks, my mistress!
There! There!
There she is! Get the witch!
Kill her! She's over there. She's a witch!
Circle around the back!
Oh, George Hardy's in this movie!
Don't get too close. She's a witch!
If you get her, kill her.
So, we finally arrived at our destination.
My pungent youngling.
And is it really exotic techniques of copulating
that are written down in there, my little loved mistress?
Indeed!
You, my dear, you just wait and see.
And we will be making nooky all night.
Here we go.
I am the Great Book of Magic.
My sleep is over. Oh, how tragic.
A stupid laugh!
Oh, yes, touch me.
Oh, great book of spells and wizardry,
show the answers and give advice to me.
How can I open the gate of the worlds?
Wake up and give me the enchanted words.
To open the portal
listen right.
It must occur on solstice night.
Only blood of a dunce, virgin and pure,
will reveal the words, that is for sure.
Do you know what that means?
Shouldn't we give each other a kiss
to start my arousing process?
I don't like foreplay.
- Torture her! - Kill the witch.
- Drown her! - Tear the witch apart!
- She's a witch! - A witch? Moi?
How dare you, peasants?
I am your Lady, the Marquess of Baden.
You've killed my brother.
You sucked the soul out of his body. Demonic woman!
Lies!
Nothing but malicious lies!
I beg you, Monsieur Keller.
The rabble are in dire need of relief
from their sexual frustration!
I don't care how many stiffies the peasants have.
Whatever you say, I don't believe it.
I've still got my marbles.
You may be able to deceive that virgin,
but it's not so easy with me!
- Give it up, changeling. - Me?
You are a...
troll!
Yes! Yes, indeed.
You have detected me.
Yes, I'm a... troll!
I'm a troll!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
That's it.
And now I'm going to free my brothers
from their magic prison,
so they can feast on your flesh, too.
Ha-ha-ha!
Guards, seize her!
Now, cut the crap!
Hmm?
Still here, you bumbling old fool?
I'll give you fool! I'm Schnitzel, the wizard!
Schnitzel?
Thou shalt be banished!
That's just ridiculous.
Schnitzel?
Just take a look!
I've got the book.
- Who's laughing now? - My book!
- Amei, turmurn... - No!
- ..theemee, toomoo, stamone!! - That is not allowed!
No! Agh!
Stamone!
Turned to stone in a woman's guise,
by the spell the magician cast.
They buried the hideous changeling with the book,
at last.
Mind the frame.
Here, the key to the booklet.
Never forget, it must not fall into the wrong hands,
otherwise we will all be doomed.
I'll stow it away safely.
And I'll dedicate a stone crucifix to my brother,
a memorial for everyone
so this evil troll underneath it cannot ever return.
Holy shit!
You fart knocker! Are you baked or something?
What the hell did you do, you losers?
Oh, boss, I had a bit of a crash.
What?
You dimwit! You're good for nothing, god darn it!
I said dig around it, not right through it!
If that's broken, I'm gonna nail you to that cross, buddy!
Woah. What is this?
I'm about to get mad, you hear me? Really, really mad!
Oh, gold!
What the hell is going on, Vorlicek? Huh?
What the fuck? Is your tongue stapled? What's wrong with you?
Just an old stone thingy.
- Some chick. - Oh, no, no!
Then it's something historical, for Christ's sake!
- Oh! - I'll fix it.
- I got some duct tape. - Oh, for Christ's sake!
- Hey, that's mine! - Now I have to get a specialist,
and the goddam mayor is gonna show up
with those shiny teeth!
- That's bad. - Paperwork! Up the wazoo!
I'll be stuck here forever!
Oh, yeah. Showtime.
Can't get it open. It's stuck! Must be worth...
Ring-a-ling-a-ling! My bell doesn't work. Sorry.
Hey, watch what you're doing, you mothersmucker.
One, two, three, four.
Are you ready for the inexplicable?
Something that will change the way
we see the world around us?
Are you ready for blood-curdling horror?
Don't be scared. It won't be the Letterman show here on stage.
Letterman is good.
This is... The Arabello Show!
Where is your mother?
Wasn't it her brilliant scheme to watch a lunchtime talk show?
A big welcome for Mademoiselle Ashtar, please.
Miss Corpulentus here claims to come from the planet Mars.
Apparently, she's certainly had her share of Mars Bars.
Don't you think so?
Mm-hm. That sounds tasty.
Our second guest today is... Vladimir Kaiser.
He claims that he's a real wizard.
And our third guest for today is Michael Waits.
You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!
Normally, you should know just where the fine line is, but...
that's none of our business
in the incredible Arabello Show!
Ashtar! Why are you here?
Why didn't you apply to The Biggest Loser?
Ashtar searching man.
Don't you have online dating on your planet?
I think your problem is the antenna, right?
It doesn't get any reception?
But I always get a great reception.
Hey, watch it, you clumsy oaf!
- I have to tell you about... - Here I am!
I couldn't stop laughing!
Mom, where have you been? This is, like, beyond boring.
That's because you're listening to Dr. Fisher
instead of to the show.
Vanessa, what were you thinking?
Klaus, stop being a wisecracker.
So, are you two enjoying yourselves?
Do you want me to kill myself?
Ashtar, what is your Prince Charming supposed to be like?
Like me?
Ashtar particular.
- Just like you! - Ha! You crazy chicken!
No, you're the chicken.
- Um... - So, how's your friend?
The friend with the squeaky voice?
What? Tippie, the antique vendor?
- Fool's gold! - False goat?
Are you deaf? It's not real gold.
- But that can't be true. - Well, that's the way it is.
Fool's gold, battered leather, no key.
Yuck! And there are chicken bones on it.
It's really worth nothing at all?
- Okay. Give me the book. - Hm!
- Here, take this. - Snickerdoodle! A 20!
Tch, tch, tch. Now, make like a tree and leave.
Freaking A! That is so awesome!
Tippie, you're the cat's meow!
Hokus pyokus.
Oh-ho! Hokus pyokus!
Sauerkraut and oatmeal swirls, I order you to bend your curls!
Hm!
Ha! How was I?
Woo-hoo!
- Hm! - Yeah!
Please, no applause for... for the wizard.
Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Bravo!
Well, you seem to have one fan in the audience.
Then she should come up on my stage.
With her, I can do my clairvoyant poppa-the-nuttsa!
We're not interested in your miniature "Rumburak."
But Rumburak is of great length!
Many woman has felt its magic!
Oh, and speaking of schmeckels, I got two of those.
An aberration!
Disgusting!
Wow!
That was a brilliant trick.
I've seen better tricks in my day. Glad he's gone!
Mm-hm?
Now, let us focus on you, Michael.
Mickel, Mackel, Muckel. Mookle, Meekle Michael Waits!
Tell us your story!
Well, about 25 years ago,
was when we first... met them.
Um... They were...
small shadows that appeared to be giggling.
Who or what were these... "small shadows", Michael?
Well, they were naughty, spiteful, impudent creatures.
They were deformed.
They were the trolls of the night.
Sounds like the usual Baden-Baden inhabitants to me!
That sounds like a really, really bad movie.
- Where are you going? - I'm just going to the loo.
It was awful,
just worse than anything the human brain can imagine.
What a pervert!
Oh, Mr. Kaiser! Mr. Kaiser!
Ah, lovely young woman from audience.
Yes. I am so sorry you were interrupted earlier,
as I would have loved to do that with you, the mental polonaise.
Mental poppa-the-nuttsa!
Yes! I would have loved to do that with you.
Maybe later we could do some, uh, exercises? No?
Ah!
Hold on. Where is that thing?
Hello, Vanessa Mayer.
- Vanessa, it's me, your mother... - No, sorry. Wrong number.
Oh, those creepy stalkers.
And I would like to introduce myself.
- I am... - Vanessa Mayer.
How do you know that?
My name is Vladimir Kaiser, the lascivious psychic.
- Oh! That is so exciting! - Here's my business card.
If you're ever in need of wizard for opening of car dealership
or, you know, supermarket or whatever, or an orgy,
I can be found in Hotel Dorint.
Oh! Great!
Oh. Mm.
It was... It was terrible.
They ended up killing my wife.
Oh! They didn't?
Oh, yes, they did.
As they are not meat eaters,
they turned my wife into a plant.
So that she became half-plant, half-man,
the goblins' favorite food.
It all happened in a place called Nilbog.
Nilbog?
Yeah, that's "goblin" spelled backwards.
How does someone invent so much shit?
Really!
It's been an incredible show tonight.
This guy's the weirdest of them all!
Sometimes, I have the feeling there are only mad people here.
Mad, mad, mad people!
Hey, man, how can I get you to understand?
I'm no maniac.
Michael Waits wins the Cuckoo Of The Week.
The Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo...
Did I miss something?
You're back at the right moment.
They are just conferring the Cuckoo Of The Week.
- I got the Cuckoo Of The Week! - Mom, I gotta go now.
- But why? - Charlie's waiting for me.
This is terrific! Ha-ha.
Charlie's her new sexy boyfriend.
You have to see him with your own eyes. Come on, let's go.
Look at those teeth!
I'm a real dentist.
Huh?
Why are you all laughing?
These creatures can transform themselves into human beings
anytime and anywhere they want.
Just remember, goblins still exist!
Goblins still exist... still exist.
- Wasn't that funny? - No, not at all.
- Hey, Charlie! - Hey, babe.
Klaus, this is the new boyfriend of my daughter.
- Isn't he handsome? - Mom! Come on!
Hi, everybody. I'm Charlie. And you look like Columbo.
Uh... Who?
- Let's get outta here. - Where are you going, kids?
- Uh, to the white rock. - Oh, the lover's rock!
Ah! Natalja?
Natalja! Auntie Helga is coming at nine o'clock.
You have to be back on time.
- Probably not! - Oh, shoot!
Fascinating! Fascinating!
What do you think? How old is this thing?
Hard to tell, Mayor Keller.
- Judging by its breasts... - Oh, hello!
- ..I'd say 600, 700 years. - Well I'll be!
Do you really think this is a depiction
of the legendary Marquess of Baden?
- Mm-hm. - Ah!
What a find! What a find!
Miss Hermann, Miss Hermann!
Call the press! Call the press! Call the press! Call the press!
Ooh, yes!
Moving on the press conference!
- Of course, Monsieur Mayor. - Picture, quick
- Here's my helmet. - Tsk! Ridiculous!
No, no, just me! Go, go, go, go, go!
Come a little closer.
Can't you get me out of here already?
I think we can work something out!
Ha!
Hey, we gotta get this broad outta here today.
- The shift starts at seven. - Oh, the hoi polloi.
This "broad", just to quote you,
is older than your great grandmother and therefore,
so valuable and historical you couldn't dream of it.
Yeah, all right, take her off to some museum or something.
My boys will resurrect the crucifix
then we can do what needs to be done.
You know what I'm thinking, wisenheimer?
Baden-Baden could be full of treasures, and they're mine.
So, don't forget.
I am the mayor, ay, ay, ay!
Miss Hermann? Miss Herrmann?
What a pain!
Listen, Hansi. Put all this in the warehouse.
- I want you to be careful. - I can see the headlines.
Only three weeks in office and already the Super-Mayor
helps provide Baden-Baden with a World Cultural Hermitage.
I can see it, too.
The two of us!
So good that you called me, Miss Tippie.
But how can it be that the pages are stuck together?
Give me that!
Ghastly!
That book is a toaster!
There is a legend, an old forgotten legend,
about a magic book.
A little like the Smurfs.
And normally, I don't take such tales so seriously,
but this book seems to withhold a magic aura.
This ancient symbol of the Necronomicon
was used in black magic to manipulate reality.
Wow! What do you think I should do with it?
The oddest things are bestsellers on eBay.
Are you completely insane? You can't just sell this book!
This thing is perhaps
the greatest discovery ever from Baden-Baden.
- Baden-Baden? - Baden-Baden?
Baden-Baden.
- From the discoveries made here. - Woah!
- Can I take this rarity home? - No!
Then you'll have to take me as well, and I like wine.
For a start, you'll have to get me all sloshed or something.
You can only touch our little precious if there's hanky panky.
- This time he won't get away. - What drug is she on?
♪ Yes, I give this book to you ♪
♪ On just one condition ♪
♪ Promise me I will take part ♪
♪ In your examination ♪
♪ What about tonight? ♪
No, no! Tonight, I can't.
I-I have to repair my bicycle.
♪ What about tomorrow? ♪
No, no!
I already have a dinner appointment
- with Madame Mayer. - Oh.
I'll stop by after that, in the afternoon.
I will have my photo-apparatus with me, so I can take a photo.
- Of me? - No, of the book, what else?
Mm.
But now I... I have to leave... because of my hike.
My bike! My bike!
You know, uh... Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft!
Zz, zz, zz, zz, zz, zz! Ch-ch-ch-ch! You know.
- Uh-huh? - Yeah.
Well, that's wonderful. I'll see you tomorrow!
But you have to look after this book!
- Huh? - I'll come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow! To you!
I'll come back... to you.
Yeah. Oh.
Oh!
Ooh!
I wonder if my mom would like her.
Hansi.
You haven't seen my book, by any chance?
Have you, Hansi?
Oh, man!
Oh, Hansi!
Come to me, be all mine.
I was too lonely in my lair,
had neither love nor any air.
Now, kiss me, awaken my fire!
Yes! But take heed, for I'm a monster indeed!
You certainly didn't last very long!
This is your end, and our beginning!
What now?
Hello?
Natalia?
Mom? Why are you breathing so hard?
Because you're still not home, young lady.
Aunt Helga will be here any moment.
Oh, Mom, do I really have to?
Don't let your auntie hear that. You know how sensitive she is
- Be back in half an hour. - Yeah, but...
Get your ass home now. You can bring Charlie if you like.
I have wine in the fridge.
Helga and I will be on the terrace waiting for you.
- Don't be late. - I have to leave now.
Oh, come on!
Why'd I even bother to wear my heart shirt, then?
Babe, the heck with it. I'll drive you home.
We'll do it another time.
But first, I gotta drain the main vein.
Oh, yuck!
Ah! The sniff!
The smell of a virgin is in my nostrils.
If I follow my senses, there will be no defenses.
Oh, virgin! Virgin, where are you?
Charlie?
Come! You are all mine.
Ha!
Are you crazy?
You almost gave me a heart attack!
What is wrong with you?
Hey, I'm just the victim of a nightly frenzy.
My oldest instincts are crying out for you.
Go release your instincts in the forest!
Are you nuts? You certainly are endangering mine.
I have to go home. Like, right now!
Come on! Asshole.
A male virgin is the key ingredient for my plan.
I have to free my brothers
from the dimension of banishment.
- Clinky-dinky! - Clinky-dinky!
Helga, dear. I met a real magician today.
- With hunchback and wart? - His name is Vladimir Kaiser.
He's a quack, a spellcaster,
and I think he's sleeping at the Hotel Dorint.
Oh, Vladimir Kaiser! Is he handsome?
Of course not.
Has he already... shown you his rabbit?
No, not yet!
Hi.
Oh, the fine lady shows up at last.
Natalja.
So, you're Natalja's new boyfriend.
Hi, my name's Charlie.
Charlie! What a rebellious name.
Ooh, look at these tits!
Your daughter really takes after her father.
- Ooh! - She's got my tits.
Because you take after your father.
You have the same taste as your mother.
She was a vamp at school. She stole every guy of mine.
What do you mean I was? I still get any man I want. Any man!
What a slut!
Mom! Shut up!
You are so embarrassing! You act like a child!
- It was a joke! - Good night, ladies.
- Salut, Charlie. - Salut!
Why, you floosy! Shall we get another bottle?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
That female is the ideal host for me.
- Open up the good stuff. - You'll drink anything anyway.
Who put a vase here?
Oh, I feel so different today.
My medicine.
Delicious.
You are delicious!
Amei, omown, youmou, nomow!
Vanessa?
Oh! Did the bottle pop on you?
Have you gone vegetarian on me?
Are you a virgin? Hm.
You are a virgin!
You're aware those flowers are fake.
Can't imagine the plastic tastes good.
I think they're perfect as they are.
Oh.
Shall I get you some salt, sweetheart?
- Huh? - Freaking salt, I hate it!
You sound just like Aunt Barbara, always low-sodium.
- Hold this, you old maid! - Oh, Vanessa.
That's, uh... so sweet of you.
Goosey maid, so well-behaved,
with my hands upon your spine,
my power reigns, your will is mine!
- Now, get me a broom! - Wonderful. I love brooms.
The Mummel Lake!
Ha-ha!
Flammen, flammake...
flammauk!
It rustles among the reeds!
It tinkles between the kelp!
Dark water and green clover.
King of the lake, I beg you, come over!
Who's doing all this bad rhyming?
I hate being woken up.
Who just ruined my deep-sea nap?
It was me, oh, mighty king.
I'll make roasted duck of you.
Huh? What the hell?
What is this?
You are a troll?
They say that far and wide, you have the best nose of them all!
You're slimier than any toad.
You give me the shivers, you scum.
You must urgently find me the old Book of Magic.
I must do nothing!
You will be rewarded generously, of course.
I doubt you've got anything to offer.
Trolls are experts at stealing children.
Hm!
And if I'm not mistaken,
Your Fishiness loves the little babies.
I'll show you some fishiness! But your offer sounds promising.
Bring me a baby,
and then I shall look for the book you seek.
Your Majesty is so gracious, it shall be my honor
to bring you the fairest and fattest infant
that ever saw the light of day.
But not as fat a blowfish, got it?
I won't disappoint you, oh, warlord of the waters,
ruler of the lakes, the rivers, and the fishes.
You forgot something.
Just call me Don Poseidon,
the king who loves spreading hell and high water!
Brew a concoction from this flower.
The frog king gave this to me.
Listen carefully, this is of prime importance.
After ten minutes have passed,
you have to add exactly 222 drops of this water,
and not one more!
Looks like ink, but the water is taken directly
- from the Mummel Lake. - How disgusting!
But the spell says I must do everything you say.
Now, there's only one thing left to do.
- That would be? - We have to find a newborn!
Oh, just make one.
You need a baby? Wait, aren't you a bit too old for that?
- I'm 947! - Oh.
- I've just come of age! - Mm-hm.
- Look it up in the newspaper. - Newspaper?
In the newspaper, they have a baby department.
There are always announcements of newborn babies on page 13.
A flower a day keeps the doctor away.
- We can make moonshine. - Ah, ha-ha!
- Found one. - A-ha! Oh.
Morning, Mom. Morning, Aunt Helga.
Good morning, sweetheart. Want some tea for breakfast?
I'm just brewing some up. Early blossom sludge.
No, thanks. I'm meeting Jenny for breakfast.
Not so fast, spring chicken.
Is your boyfriend coming, too?
Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you that!
What an insolent offspring!
What is that smell?
Ooh, they're good!
We'll find someone to buy your cookies.
- If you think so, Granny? - Ooh, look!
See that blonde? That's my neighbor, Madame Mayer.
Vanessa! Hello!
Huh?
For heaven's sake Vanessa, what are you doing there?
Ew! What are you putting in your mouth?
Disgusting! I know you'll put any man in your mouth! Bleugh!
- But trash, too? - Vanessa?
Huh?
Pardon, Madame, Vanessa's on a compost diet.
- Haven't you heard of it? - No, I haven't.
- It's the newest thing. - Poo-ey!
Eugh, it's like eating poo! That's a diet?
Eating right out of the garbage can?
- I think she's pregnant. - How would you know?
Yes. Organic waste tastes good to pregnant women.
Vanessa, darling!
Are you pregnant?
Oh, I'm Helga. Helga Wolf.
I'm Vanessa's cousin,
and currently helping her through this phase.
- I'm Béatrice, the neighbor. - Hm, hm, hm.
Bleugh! Bleugh!
The banana bread is ready!
To stop the bitchin', just get in the kitchen!
Ow!
Count them precisely.
Of this water 222 drops.
But this is only possible by singing the counting song.
The counting song?
Yeah.
♪ One, two, three-four-five ♪
♪ Seven, six, eight, nine ♪
Yeah! ♪ Nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 15 ♪
♪ 16, 17, 18, 19 ♪
♪ 20, 21, 22... ♪
♪ 22, 23, 24... ♪
Quick, open the door. Otherwise I'll miscount.
♪ 27, 28... ♪
Who is ringing my bell?
Vanessa! What happened to your voice? Are you ill?
Oh, Vanessa is...
I'm hoarse.
Oh, is that your lovely cousin, Helga?
Bonjour, Madame!
Hi!
What's that magical smell?
Arabic tea?
44, 46, 71.
74!
Agh! I'm afraid you have to leave now, monsieur.
- But what about our lunch date? - Cancelled!
Huh?
Béatrice, I got it by now. She ate garbage.
No, no, no. Not just ate it, César.
She engorged it.
And that is definitely beyond normal!
Good Lord, Béatrice! You are such a gossip queen!
And every single time, you over-exaggerate.
I can tell there's something foul at the Mayers'.
A business, with all these men coming and going, and now...
Hah! I know, I know, I know! She's pregnant.
- And she eats garbage! - And so what?
The garbage goes into her mouth, and comes right out of yours!
Agh! Stupid man!
Isn't that Dr. Fischer? I'm gonna tell him everything.
He's an educated man. He'll listen to me.
Tippie?
- Yes? - My appointment is canceled.
- Oh, really? - If you like, uh...
Would you mind bringing the book perhaps?
- I can cook a meal. - I am so there!
- Wonderful! I... Oh. - Yoo-hoo!
Good doctor! Please, please. Yeah, please, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Now tell me, weren't you just at the Mayers'?
Yes, indeed. Madame Mayer doesn't feel well.
- She seems to be malaise. - Malaise?
Malaise?
Oh, so, that's what it's called.
That must be the reason she ate garbage this morning.
I'm always telling her not to eat that much rubbish.
Yes. Luckily, it doesn't affect her figure.
That's gross, disgusting!
I'm not talking about fast food. I mean... real garbage!
Organic waste. Scraps. Refuse. Dirt.
Do you always trash talk like that?
Agh!
222.
- Tea time! - It's done!
Oh, I'll bring some cups!
I'm getting us two mugs, and then we'll do some drugs!
Homood, mamagic, quimick!
Ha. Perfect!
Magic hood.
Vanessa?
Vanessa! Did you go to the bathroom?
No, you birdbrain. I'm gonna get a baby.
Something's wrong with you, Vanessa Mayer.
And I'll be the one to find it out.
Ah, here it is.
Hey, my little darling.
It's time to go to sleep.
Mommy's gonna take a little nap as well.
Huh?
Shouldn't forget my hood.
And my new baby!
Oh, coochy, coochy, coochy-coo.
Coochy-coo! Coochy, coochy-coo!
Ouch! I'd kill for a cup of tea!
I'll get it!
Don't let them sell you a vacuum cleaner!
Okay.
Oh, Charlie.
This house needs a troll.
Oh. That's so sweet.
Thank you so much.
You know, I've been behaving pretty badly.
I don't want to spook you.
You really mean a lot to me, and... if I lose my virginity,
I want it to be you.
You're so sexy. Should we go to your room?
Isn't this too fast?
You want it, too, don't you?
Hm?
Uh... Did you bring protection?
In extra large.
- Oh, Auntie Helga's here, too? - Ha-ha-ha.
Let's go have some fun upstairs.
Uh-oh.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Look at the mayor's brooch!
The mayor's brooch? It looks just like the book's seal.
Yes, but have you read what the article says?
"The great mayor, Engelhardt Keller,
presents the 700-year-old statue of Marquess Katherine,
which, apparently, he dug out himself."
I once had my hands on a book.
It said something about that statue,
statue of the Marquess of Baden.
Uno momento! That means "wait a moment."
Ah, yes! Here it is. Ha-ha. "The Sagas of Baden."
And so that book is about my book?
Mm. And here it is, what I've been looking for.
"The Story of Burkhart Keller."
He was a chivalrous ancestor of our mayor.
"Once upon a time, thenoble knight, Burkhart Keller,
accidentally released a troll from its marmoreal slumber.
The troll stole the knight's breath
and maliciously took possessionof Katherine, Marques of Baden.
The Troll assumed the identity of the marquess.
Its goal, to open the portal of an enchanted prison
on the night of the summer solstice.
The troll had a magic bookto help it, adorned with bones.
The book had the ability to speak.
Anyone trying to take control of it
was struck by violent bolts of lightning.
The book could only be controlled
by a magic stellar amulet."
Ooh! A stellar omelet?
An amulet!
But now, hold on tight.
"After the marquesswas revealed to be a changeling,
her body was turned to stone by a powerful wizard.
He had her buried with the enchanted book,
in the hopes the troll would never return."
So, you do believe in these stories!
The statue, it was excavated yesterday. It's in the paper.
And today is the 21st of June.
That means tonight is midsummer's night.
That coincidence is terrible!
You see, as we bore witness
to how you were fried by furious lightning from the book...
- Ooh! - There's no doubt about it.
There are strange things going on here.
We have to prevent the changeling
from coming back to life!
If it's not too late already.
Vanessa, what a cute little stinker!
Oh, coochy, coochy, coochy, coochy-coo!
Oh, stop that. The frog king is calling. Go get my broomstick.
Stop!
- Take it! - Oh.
- Has that youngling been here? - Charlie?
Oh, yes. He's upstairs with Natalja.
Seems that there's some love in the air.
Oh! Coochy, coochy...
Ah, baby...
- Mom! - What's going on here?
- How dare you? - I think I'd better skedaddle.
Yeah!
We'll see if we can try again next time!
You stay a virgin!
Why do you always embarrass me like that?
Silence!
If you don't watch out, you'll end up in the shredder!
- Hm! - Sweetie-pie.
Take care, little baby.
Take care that the daughter doesn't leave the house.
Don't let Charlie get close to her.
He is only of value as a virgin.
Oh, don't forget your vacuum cleaner.
- And fly safely. - Never crashed in 1,000 years.
Shut up!
A baby!
The one that's not curious will never know anything.
She's a witch!
Why has that never ever occurred to me before?
That bitch would never have touched a broomstick
for cleaning!
How can I catch her?
Come to Bea!
Giddy-up!
- Hey! - Yee-haw!
What the f...?
Come back, you horse thief!
So, I just pushed my rickety bike up the hill for nothing.
See you soon, Miss Hermann.
But Dr. Fischer. Why are you racing off like a stallion?
That was the mayor's assistant. They are in the cinema.
Oh. Which movie?
Do I look like Variety?
Let's just hope he's got the brooch.
Oh.
Be greeted, your fishy highness.
King of the Seas, vicious nymphs,
what a true pleasure it is to see you.
Yadda yadda! Cut the blabbering and fork over the runt.
Here it is, Your Majesty.
Oooh.
Mmm.
Nice and soft, with crunchy bones.
Bon appétit!
And now you've had your lunch,
I don't mean to nag here, but what about my reward?
Get up, you slimy kiss-ass!
What is it, you irritating toad?
I'm looking for the Great Book of Spells!
Hm! Huh.
Rumble mumble, water spell.
Where is the book that opens hell?
Look what got caught in my net!
The story of Burkhard Keller!
That place is not far from here.
It's in the city of the finless ones.
- Now, splash off! - I thank you, observant master.
Gotcha, horse thief!
Oh, monsieur, please be quiet, I beg you!
I'm calling the cops immediately, you stupid cow!
Humans?
Finless ones at my lake?
My fat neighbor?
Time for some fishing!
Dessert time, my little ghoulies.
Feast, my daughters, feast!!
Oh, my God!
Yummy! Stop right there!
Mm! Ca va être bon tout ca.
Gendarmerie Baden-Baden.
Hello? Gendarmerie? I need your help. I'm being hunted.
I'm being chased by a witch! She's after me!
- She wants to kill me! - Calm down, madame.
Breathe in and tell me the whole story.
Okay, listen.
I'm in the woods of Baden-Baden
and I saw my neighbor, Vanessa Mayer,
and the evil frog of Mummel Lake.
And they were eating a baby!
Hm?
Stop slurping.
She wants to kill me!
Please help me!
Au revoir.
Oh, what is it this time?
This will be the last time you put your fat nose
in other people's business!
Witches must be tortured!
Can't that bitch ever die?
What? Seriously? You expect my brooch?
- Yes. - I can't allow that.
This brooch has been in my family for 700 years.
In fact, I feel I'm naked without it.
Very naked without it.
How terrible. Such an... awful day.
I'm feeling so depressed.
You must know, yesterday in the woods,
we made a truly historical find.
Yeah, that's the reason we need his brooch.
A hot stud like you doesn't need jewelry.
You looked really handsome in the photo, Mayor Keller.
Yes, that's true, quite true. Where's my powder?
Yes, but what you both don't know,
this morning, the statue was stolen
and the watchman was found dead.
Oh, my God!
Oh, how is that possible?
Yes, that's so bad for my image.
That means... it has already begun.
- The demon is amongst us! - What demon?
The demon from the Dark Ages.
It looked like the marquess.
Petrified, of course.
At first, it was a statue.
But... now, it's back.
It is... It is...
- It is a changeling! - Oh!
It could look like... look like a... an office clerk!
Over here! Thank you. That's a headline!
My image!
Monsieur mayor. Monsieur Keller, say something.
- Mayor Keller. What's happened? - Go away, go away.
Does anyone have smelling salts?
So, is your aunt still guarding the hatch?
Yeah, and she's still acting like a freak.
Maybe she's going insane.
You should take her to the loony bin.
Stop it, Charlie. She's really freaking me out!
Why don't you jump out the window?
It's much too high, but we have a ladder next to the shed.
All right, Rapunzel,
I'll have to come over and save your pretty ass.
Please hurry up. My mom could be home any minute.
She was so creepy. She looked just like a monster.
I'm getting closer!
Bonjour!
Hm?
Where is the book?
Oh, look! There it is.
The Great Book of Spells!
Have you missed old trollie?
My precious love.
Oh, my... My book?
Agh! Son of a... I still need the key!
No key!
I need to open you up today.
It only works on midsummer's night.
A-a-a-gh!
- Do you have an ouchy? - Yes, I have an ouchy!
A caution sign would help, you stupid oaf!
Are you seasoning our entrance path, you psycho bitch?
You cannot kill ants with salt. Use baking soda.
This line of Himalayan salt is not for fighting ants.
It's for demons, nymphs, wicked witches.
None of them should be able to pass through it.
It's here, in black and white.
In a vegetarian cookbook?
You blind bat! It's not just recipes.
Ah, right, here it is.
"If your fat wife starts seasoning the steps with salt,
the husband should really start to worry."
He should pack his bags and go!
Here she comes.
- The witch! - Oh! Mon dieu!
- Stay here, dumbass! - Bonjour, Madame Mayer.
I apologize for my wife's behavior.
For years, she is "ahahahahaha!"
Oh, my God!
What is this?
Salt?
You're not as dumb as you look, bitch!
But I'm still one step ahead.
I'm coming back for you!
Madame Penile, did you see Vanessa exit here?
Well, she looked drugged.
Her eyes were red, like cocktail tomatoes!
And then she completely lost it.
I can't believe it!
Dr. Fischer, Dr. Fischer! She must have run off with the book!
- I can't find it anywhere! - You want your pigsty cleaned?
Don't forget the loo!
I hate wearing those itchy diapers all the time!
Dr. Fischer, you really wear diapers?
Come on, now! Like you mean it!
Hurry up!
Oh. We have to get it open without the key!
Troll magic won't help us here!
We need... We need a human wizard!
You need a wizard? Why didn't you mention that before?
How can I mention it if it's something I don't know I need?
But you do know a wizard, Vladimir Kaiser.
Hm?
A-ha! Monsieur Kaiser! It's good to see you.
The pleasure is mine.
Monsieur Kaiser, I regret to tell you
that your check is worth shit!
For this reason, we've been forced to vacate your room.
But that's absurd!
Do you know who you are talking to?
I should be knocking you silly, sir.
I'm really very sorry,
but The Arabello Show sent us this message.
"Cancel the room of this... bungler!"
My advice, go somewhere else.
You're not welcome. Hm!
Hey, Vlady, old boy. Come on up and have a drink.
You have it goodski. You have room, and you won toothy cuckoo.
You're the winner. I'm just the middle fracking loser.
Vladimir, you're no loser.
All you do is believe in yourself
and anything is possible.
And you know what? You could be a real wizard?
Well, if you say so.
Hey, Natalja!
Ah, dearest Juliet, it's your Romeo, not some stupid lark.
This is more Rumpelstiltskin than Romeo and Juliet.
Here we go.
Hi.
Everyone in this house is going crazy.
Helga is acting like a guard dog,
and my mother looks like Freddy Krueger
wearing a crazy clown wig.
Ah, come on. Your mother's hair doesn't look that bad.
Stop it. You know that's not the point.
She's acting insane.
After you were gone, she was laughing like a maniac!
So what? Your laugh also sounds maniacal.
Stop it! You remember my mirror? The pretty silver one?
It didn't reflect my mother.
It reflected something else, something hideous.
Okay, okay. Now listen, your mom is not your mom.
Yes, she might look like your mom,
but in reality she's a...
m-monster!
You're not taking me seriously.
Okay, come on.
I've got something to take your mind off all this.
Oooh. You're so cool.
Hm?
First, a warm-up drink, and later we'll party full-on.
Can't wait.
Hey, bartender,
can you pour another whiskey for me and my new friend,
the mighty wizard?
A long time no see, Vlad the Impaler!
Two angels!
- Mm! - Madame Mayer, ooh la-la!
Would you ladies like to have a drink with us?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Huh?
Oh, hello, there. Helga. 50 years and still single.
Of course.
Oh-ho. Bonjour.
I'm Michael Waits, from America.
Bet he's got a long-bed pick-up.
- Let's go have a drink. - Or six or seven!
I heard you're looking for a place to stay tonight.
You really can read my mind-ski.
What about your place?
This is Baden-Baden, the city of love,
where the women always cut to the chase.
Ooh.
We have business deal to finish.
My magic wand is waiting for yoo-oo!
Let us, you say, begin with that, hm?
What are you doing to my son? My new friend?
We're just giving him some ice cream!
But I ordered whiskey!
I don't think that would be appropriate here.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Are you okay? - My lungs are full of whiskey.
She took off, and Charlie's with her.
What? Where are they?
- In the juke-joint next door. - But didn't you lock them in?
She must have secretly flown out the window.
Sorry, guys. We have to leave now.
We have to get some ingredients. We'll be back in 30 seconds.
Uh, yes. Um... Maybe 40!
My dear Vladimir.
I can see that this is gonna be a long night.
Vanessa!
Ciao!
He's here. I can smell the virginity.
I can smell it in the air.
Go and get them.
Okay.
You were right, Charlie. Getting drunk is good for me.
Yeah, that's how I roll.
That's why I like you.
Yeah, everyone does.
- And I like gin and tonic. - I'll get you one.
Vanessa, I've found the little bugger.
Now, watch and learn!
Salut, Charlie.
Uh... Madame Mayer?
♪ What is your secret? ♪
♪ Where do we go? ♪
Ooh!
♪ End all this history ♪
♪ I wanna know ♪
♪ I can't get higher ♪
♪ This feels too right ♪
♪ Is this a lie or ♪
♪ The end of time? ♪
♪ My red magic eyes ♪
♪ Are sucking your soul ♪
♪ Your wishful delight ♪
♪ Is what is my own ♪
Here we go!
Mom?
- Charlie? - Excuse me!
Vanessa.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Hey, kiddo.
You never had sex
and now you're trying to take this hot MILF home with you?
You'd love to pork her, huh?
Now, look and learn, dickless.
Hey, hotty. Bet you just never get enough.
Well, my tongue lasts forever, so open wide.
Aagh!
Come on! Move it!
Still available!
If you catch me, you can have me!
- The 30 seconds are up. - Woo, the lady and the wolf!
That was long 30 seconds. Where have you been making out?
We were at the discotheque next door.
It was wonderful. So much fun! Can I, uh, poke my nose in this?
Cut the crap!
Did I tell you that I'm single?
You know, you say that a lot.
Cousin Helga, wizard, we have to go.
Come on, Vanessa. Michael just asked me to marry him.
Charlie's waiting downstairs. We have to go!
Who do you think you are?
You won't be my bridesmaid.
The alcohol must be why the spell doesn't work.
- What did you say? - What I said?
I cast this spell to get her under my control
and now it's not working any more.
Once I've freed my brothers,
your flesh will be the first that we feast on.
You know, I love alcohol.
Yeah, me too.
I'm Michael Waits, from America.
- And my name is Helga Wolf! - My best film is Troll 2.
Where did you learn that?
I have all sorts of hidden talents.
Oh, finally! There's my book!
Oh, it look more magical than ever.
So, she really did steal it!
At last.
Oh, let's see what happens.
Ooh! Oh, fascinating!
600 years confined did I lie.
Now it is time for the curses to fly.
How cool is that? It even knows how to rhyme.
- Bravo, my dear friends. - Huh?
My boy, which way to bar?
You two better go outside, right away.
You not telling me this swinger bar.
I spank you later.
I hope little Rumburak performs in group session.
- Thank you for opening my book. - Hold on!
What do you mean, "your book"? It's mine. I paid for it.
It'll be the last time you paid for anything, darling.
Omold, gemirl, shamall, bumurn!
Tippie!
Oh, gosh! You!
You are the demon!
Doc, You're a little off.
She's a witch.
What an awful mess this is!
Sorry about the gunk, but you should thank me for that.
- Oh, really? - You can kill a witch by fire,
or by a point blank shot to the head!
Do I look like Sabrina the Teenager?
I'm not a witch. I'm a troll.
Where the heck did you put the real Vanessa?
She's in here.
- Klaus? - I can hear her.
- Dr. Fischer? - Can you hear that too?
She just called my name.
No one can stop me now.
Hold this, and enjoy my performance.
Oh, great book of spells and wizardry...
show me the answers and give advice to me.
How can I open the gate to the worlds?
Wake up and give me the enchanted words.
To open the portal listen right, it must occur on solstice night.
Only the blood of a dunce, virgin and pure
will reveal the words, that is for sure.
You'd go home with anyone, my little Romeo.
I'm so horny, and your daughter's giving me blue balls.
- How about her mama? - But I'm horny, too!
I like it rough.
No!
Don't be scared. This will be magical!
Wumall, rumound, frumee, prisonee.
Wumall,
rumound, frumee,
prisonee!
Here they come!
It worked!
It's so good to see you, my brothers!
Let the era of trolls begin!
Hocus pocus.
Trixie fixie.
I healed your wound
so you'd look a tad more tasty, young Charlie.
Because you will be the welcome meal for my brothers.
I just have to activate this key.
We have to stop the troll!
But I could've sworn she was a witch.
Only in this magical book can we find the answers.
But what can we do?
Are you the wizard or me?
Read out the spell! Petrify her!
Listen, troll!
Mamai, rumall, lamid, zoomoon, shamuz!
Was that supposed to be magic?
You're so incredibly bad at this.
You're making me laugh!
Vladimir, believe in yourself.
You are a real wizard.
Anything is possible.
You do have magical powers.
I will banish you, creature of the night, go hence away.
Don't be ridiculous. I'm the one throwing the party here.
Amai,
tumurn, demi, tomoo, stomone!
But I don't wanna get stoned again!
- Nooooo! - Did you see that?
Ah! The real Vanessa and Natalja should be inside this amulet.
We must set them free.
If you don't mind, I got it.
- Mom! - Natalja!
Natalja?
Oh!
- Have you lost weight, Vanessa? - Oh, Klaus!
Is it really you?
I tried to get your attention. Didn't you hear me?
Ah! Ooh!
Nothing happened between me and your mom.
I told you it wasn't my mom. That was a real troll.
What a lovely gnome for the patio!
I'm Dr. Oz. I mean Dr. Fischer.
And what a nice umbrella holder.
Dee-dee-dee-dee!
Oh, not again!
Oh!
- Hello. - Oh, hello.
By the way, which year are we? Is this the Renaissance?
Oh, my gosh, the Marquess of Baden!
She also was a prisoner in the troll's amulet!
You remind me of my mother, God bless her.
Oh, how very charming of you.
And you remind me
of a big fat yeast cake that's about to explode.
Wait, just a moment. I think he looks more like
an old-fashioned donut with powdered sugar.
Is this a pastry shop?
Send for a carriage, I want to go home.
- You bitch. - No, the tart is on the mark.
Let's put her in an old folk's home.
She'll fit right in.
But where?
Talk about me doing magic. It makes me seem very sexy, nyet?
"Turn woman into chicken." "Grow salad on someone's back"?
Disgusting! Oh, a-ha!
"How to send a soul back to the Middling Ages."
Klaus, quick, give me your phone,
or Helga won't believe a word I say.
And now, smile.
- Look at that! - You sure look stupid.
Thank you so much.
Wizard, I am ready.
Huh!
- I insist on privacy. - Problemski nyet.
Nomow, bomook, mamake and shamape!
Tumurn bamack timime!
The frog king sent her! She's still hungry!
Get off me!
It's a nymph! Protect me!
You reek out of mouth like old...
Hm, if I'm still here, the big yeast cake
and his crazy blonde must be in the Middle Ages.
Uh-oh.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
She disappears!
She was over yonder.
Burkhart. Burkhart, my brother. What hath happened to thee?
Beware, Milord, they strike me as witchy siblings.
He's dead.
What have they done to you? You killed my brother!
Are you nuts?
This must be a misunderstanding, Monsieur...?
I am Engelhardt Keller.
Engelhardt Keller?
Then this must be Burkhart Keller.
Burkhart who?
The one with whom the whole story started.
And you are my prisoners. Guard, seize them!
- They're insane. - Hey! Oh!
Ow!
Wait! Wait!
You've got the wrong people.
- Ow! - And who's this wacko?
The Grand Inquisitor, Tomasso the Torturer.
I swear, Monsieur Keller!
'Twas a maiden in white who did murder your brother.
Then they shift their shape. They are sorcerers.
But we are not enforcerers.
Please, let me try to explain! You're making a huge mistake.
We are time travelers, isn't that pretty obvious?
What am I supposed to enforce here?
Do I look like I'll be doing Dirty Harry shit?
Hold thy tongue!
Silence!
Thou art accused of witchcraft, wicked vermin!
The next sunrise, you'll both be burnt crispy.
Are you crazy?
You can't do that. I'm a famous scientist!
I think they're like totally crazy.
Shouldn't we try and get a lawyer?
A lawyer? You don't get it at all.
We are trapped in the past. This is the Middle Ages!
Oh, my God!
♪ Far beyond in space and time ♪
♪ Where wolves howl in the night ♪
♪ Beneath the star, beneath the light ♪
♪ Your life began to shine ♪
♪ Wumall rumound frumee (prisonee) ♪
♪ Mistress of light come to me ♪
♪ Your wings of flames from ancient worlds ♪
♪ The phoenix is reborn ♪
♪ Your heat that makes all lovers rise ♪
♪ Is climbing up the throne ♪
♪ Wumall rumound frumee (prisonee) ♪
♪ Mistress of light come to me ♪
♪ You're like fire... ♪
I hate alcohol!
♪ I'm no virgin any more ♪
♪ I'm no virgin ♪
♪ Yeah! Yeah! No more I'm not a virgin
♪ For the very first time... ♪
Oh. That must be him.
- Hello? - Auntie Helga? Hurry up!
- What's wrong? - We need your help.
- Where's Vanessa? - She's gone.
There's a monster here! Please, come quick!
Huh?
Natalja?
Shit!
♪ You're like fire ♪
♪ Expending your empire ♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org
♪ Fire ♪
♪ My burning desire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Your power inspires ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Energy sapphire ♪
♪ Far beyond in space and time ♪
♪ The wolves howl in the night ♪
♪ Beneath the star, beneath the light ♪
♪ Your life begins to shine ♪
♪ Wumall rumound frumee (prisonee) ♪
♪ Mistress of light come to me ♪
♪ You're like fire ♪
♪ Expending your empire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ My burning desire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Your power inspires ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Energy sapphire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Expending your empire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ My burning desire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Your power inspires ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Energy sapphire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Expending your empire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ My burning desire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Your power inspires ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Energy sapphire ♪