I looked it up online
It's hemorrhoids
Hmm.
That's your diagnosis?
Who should we listen to?
The doctor or the guy with the inflamed ass
and the Internet connection?
Hmm.
All right, webmd-bag.
Based on your symptoms, I'm recommending a colonoscopy.
What? Colonoscopy?!
Hey, relax with the upsell, buddy.
It's a hemorrhoid.
"It's a hemorrhoid." Duh.
You would know since your head's up your ass.
That was a good one. Hold on a second.
Go to hell!
It's just a little hemorrhoid!
"Go to hell! It's just a little hemorrhoid!"
Man, I love that guy.
Oh, my god.
I'm so stressed out.
These patients are such whiny, complaining bitches.
You know what I mean?
Yes, I know exactly what you mean.
Um, what do you think might alleviate your stress?
Well, for starters, my wife could help.
In what way?
Well, she could conduct the rest of this session with her top off.
We could see where it goes.
I only do that for paying customers.
You have change for a $5?
Nina: Dr. Park? Both: Yes?
Your 5:15 is running late.
Thank you, Nina.
Ken, what is wrong with you?
You know, Molly's got her driver's test today,
and I'm, like, so nervous.
What if she doesn't fail?
Look at her.
She's our baby girl, and cars are death machines.
You said the same thing about tricycles, seesaws, and puppies.
Puppies grow up to be dogs, dogs eventually die.
Broken heart, drug abuse, prostitution, death.
Wow.
The day I got my license, I was so excited.
I was waving to a buddy,
and I drove straight into a parked car.
But she's not you.
I know.
She's like me but popular.
We have the same number of hands,
but she has way more people to wave to.
She's growing up. We got to give her some freedom.
Kids don't need freedom. They need...
What's the opposite of freedom?
Duct tape.
They need... To be taped... down.
Oh, my god.
You sound like your father.
No, I don't.
My father sounds like this.
Which means...?
"Tape down. Child cannot run!"
Okay, come on.
Mama's got to work.
Love you.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
It's all right, Mr. Cantos. Come on in.
Just talk about your kids a lot.
Gets her super-turned on.
Hey, buddy.
What you got going on?
I'm rehearsing.
Oh, right, right. Big talent show.
Lay it on me.
♪ Get ready 'cause I've had enough ♪ ooh, Katy Perry.
Sexy yet kid-friendly.
♪ I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter ♪
Oh, good god! Is that mime?!
Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Um, Dave...
And now you're in a box? Really?
Dave...
Every kid does one thing in school that they're defined by,
and you really don't want yours to be mime,
because that is an invisible box that you cannot get out of.
Oh, you showed dad your mime act?
Yeah, and he thinks it's lame.
Dave, I don't think it's lame.
I know it's lame.
I am so proud of your originality, honey.
Why don't you go practice upstairs?
Uhp. Forgot my box.
Need a hand with that, buddy?
No, dad. It's imaginary.
Come on, alli. We can't just let this happen.
We got to protect him.
We got to support him.
And this is what he wants to do.
It's mime!
You know what the audience is gonna want to do?
Ungh!
Suck it, los Angeles!
Your traffic just got a little worse!
Oh, you passed!
Yay.
Thanks for being happy for me, dad.
Oh, Molly, if it seems like I'm not happy,
it's only because I'm not.
Of course your dad is happy.
I'm not. I'm really not.
Okay, if you can't be happy, can you be quiet?
How about that?
Anyway, I was thinking tomorrow night
I should probably take dad's convertible.
Thanks, dad!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't have my car.
I need it.
Mom!
Is it cool if I take your car tomorrow night?
Sure. I think there's...
No. Need that one, too.
You need two cars?
Yeah, I'm having a... parade.
Ugh!
Thanks a lot, dad.
What?
I spend all day listening to those damaged nutjobs
on that couch telling me all the ways
their parents screwed them up.
Molly's growing up, Ken.
Rip off the duct tape or you're gonna lose her.
Fine, I'll try it your way.
You're right... I love these kids.
I would never do anything to scar them.
Hey, dad, want to...
Not now, son. A little busy.
Hey, you know what?
You can borrow my car tomorrow night.
Really? What about the parade?
Well, they're expecting rain,
and... it was fake, so...
Thanks, dad.
On three conditions.
Number one, no texting while driving.
Why would I increase my chances of an accident by 46%?
And the rearview mirror isn't for applying makeup.
It's for safety.
True, but you can't just rely on the rearview.
You have to turn around. Blind spots. Duh.
Okay, okay.
Here's something they don't teach you in driver's Ed.
If you see a friend while driving,
do not, under any circumstances, wave.
Dad, please, no one waves anymore.
- Really? - No.
Hmm.
I-I-I did not know that. I...
Um...
Oh, where are you going tomorrow night?
Oh, just... studying over at Avery's.
Avery, huh? What happened to Tammy?
Eh, Tammy's Tammy, but Avery is Avery,
and Tammy could never be Avery, but if Avery wanted,
she could easily be Tammy like nine times over.
Okay, why would Avery want to be Tammy?
No, dad, no one wants to be Tammy, except Whitney.
Eh.
So, Allison was all like, "we got to lock her down!"
And I was like, "no, we got to give her some freedom."
There is no way it went down like that.
She's right.
Look, I-I did give Molly the car, but it is killing me.
Oh, don't let it, Dr. Park.
Molly seems like a good kid
You're right she is.
I tell you she is going to a friend house for studying
no bigs.
Friend's house to study? Mm-hmm.
What? You don't believe that's where she's going?
Oh, no, that's every girl's dream...
To get her license so she can drive
to her friend's house to study!
She's right.
When I got my license, I drove straight from the DMV
to varsha patel's house to crush some calculus.
We were so crazy back then.
Well, I trust my daughter,
and if she says she's studying, that's where she is.
Aww, that is so sweet.
Did you see that episode of "20/20"
where that girl borrowed a car and got abducted?
Yes.
Or that "nightline"
where the little 15-year-old girl
gets all mixed up in some crazy stuff on craigslist?
Yes!
Or literally any episode
of "law & order: Svu"?
Yes!
Wait, guys, I know that there are some disturbing
and repetitive shows out there,
but Dr. Park doesn't have proof that his daughter
isn't where she said she is.
If it's proof he wants, there is an app for that.
- An app? - An app to track your daughter.
Really? What's it called?
"Daughter tracker."
You want me to download it for you?
Look, I-I don't know, all right?
I promised Allison I'd trust Molly.
You know, but she has been hanging out with Avery,
who may or may not be Tammy or possibly Whitney!
I mean, I guess it would be good to know where she is.
Oh, no, no, Dr. Ken!
If she finds out that you're secretly
tracking her whereabouts, she will never trust you again.
It is nice to have a daughter who trusts you.
Thank you.
You know what else is nice?
Having a daughter who's alive!
Download it.
No, no, don't! It's wrong!
I can't do it.
Oh, thank god! Someone with a conscience!
I need your pass code.
Does it say anything yet?
It looks like she's in a storage container
headed for Thailand! What?!
Just messing with you!
It's still downloading!
Ken.
Could I steal you for a quick powwow?
And, everybody else, if you could just pretend
to be busy while you listen in, that'd be super.
Hey, Ken, do you remember that patient
you offended yesterday?
You know, the gentleman with the buttocks circumstance
who's now threatening to sue the HMO?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's threatening to sue?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't say as I blame him.
I mean, I saw the tape.
And, oh, FYI, we've installed security cameras
throughout the clinic.
It's gonna save us $5 million
on malpractice premiums this decade alone.
$5 million? What do we get with all that?
Nothing.
Anyhoo, speaking of malpractice...
Pat, the man needs a colonoscopy.
With no due respect,
you're an administrator, not a doctor.
Damn right I'm not.
While you were wasting eight years of your life
in medical school, I was managing
three circuit cities to record profits.
"The mayor" is what some called me.
You know, because it's a city.
Circuit city, you know.
And the mayor's in charge of the city, so...
Well, you know, the point is, Ken, that if we lose money,
you will not have the resources you need to treat your patients.
And I'm assuming no diversity brunch.
Damona, I know you want to have a diversity brunch,
but let's face it... You're in the minority.
And I will give you two extra vacation days
if you don't report that.
All right.
And you are going to apologize to the customer
until he agrees to drop the lawsuit.
And if I don't?
Then I will finally have grounds
to fire your tiny, Asian ass.
Okay, two more vacation days for everybody.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not apologizing to anyone.
If anything, pat should be apologizing to us.
Spying on people?
That is oppressive and intrusive.
Unless it's your own daughter?
Julie, no one wants to hear your valid point right now.
Ah! App's downloaded.
Ahh!
Molly is at...
Avery's house, where she said she'd be.
I always said you should have trusted her.
Very disrespectful.
You a hot mess.
Hey, honey.
Hey!
So, it's just the three of us for dinner.
Molly's over at Avery's.
Whoa, whoa, look at you keeping tabs on her.
I mean, give a girl some freedom, yo.
You're actually doing it.
You're letting go.
I am so proud of you.
And you know who I have to thank?
My super-hot therapist.
You mean the one that does those topless sessions?
Really?
For the reals?
Why not?
Ohh! This is gonna be good!
I had a light lunch!
Ooh.
Oh, that's your phone.
Ah, I'll take it later.
No, no, no. It could be important.
I know, but, you know, I'm already over here.
Ken, don't be silly. I'll get it for you.
No, no, no, no, no! Aaaaaaaaah!
What's going on?
Allison, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm having several extramarital affairs.
No! Don't!
No, it's just gonna break your heart!
I'm nailing all your friends!
"Daughter tracker"?
It's not what it sounds like.
It tracks prostitutes.
And every prostitute is someone's daughter.
Oh, my god.
It's like you're physically incapable of trust.
Look, I know Molly's smart.
I'm not talking about Molly.
This means you don't trust me.
I know how to parent, Ken.
It's not something we can do behind each other's backs.
Allison, I didn't mean...
Aha!
Molly's not at Avery's anymore.
- She's downtown! - So?
You know what happens downtown.
Bad things, Allison.
Skid row, strip clubs,
and the parking's impossible.
Come on. Let's find her.
Absolutely not.
We're gonna wait till Molly gets home
and then hear what she has to say.
No, your hippie/new age approach has gotten us nowhere.
This calls for my bad-boy ways, yo!
I'm-a get in the mini-van,
drive nine miles above the speed limit,
and give our daughter the grounding of a lifetime.
Oh, my god. This is a rave.
She's at a rave!
Okay, you know you're not getting in this club.
- What do you mean? - Well, not in those clothes, you're not.
Step one, you've got to dress the part.
Hey!
Perfect.
This is hopeless.
You're right. Should we just get dinner?
No! My daughter's in there.
Right, right.
Okay, so there is only one thing left to do...
Grease the bouncer.
For you.
It's a bribe.
Oh, I know.
You're still not getting in, but thanks.
Do you know who this is?
This is Dr. Kendrick Park,
also known as the number-three general practitioner
in the San Fernando valley.
You really a doctor, man?
Yeah.
'Cause I hurt my shoulder
punching a guy in the face last night,
and now it's making kind of a clicking sound.
Did I mess something up?
No, it's just mild bursitis.
You didn't tear a rotator cuff or anything.
Ice, anti-inflammatories,
oh, and next time you punch faces,
just try to jab more.
Aah!
Less disruptive on the joint.
All right, all right. Go on in, doc.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, man.
Nope.
Molly!
Excuse me. Have you seen my...
I love you!
What you're experiencing is not love.
It's a massive release of serotonin
and other monoamine transmitters in your blood stream,
whereas real love is a struggle,
an unending chess match between two opposites
constantly jockeying for control of their children
and each other.
That is love!
You are my spirit animal!
Good luck with that.
Have you seen a girl named Molly?
Have you seen my daughter?
Molly!
My daughter is somewhere!
Have you seen a girl named Molly?! Seen...
Molly! I need to find Molly right now!
Hey, you looking for Molly?
Yes, please. It's gonna cost you.
Seriously?!
You want Molly or not?
Here. This is all the money I have.
Where is she?
She's right... here. What?!
You're under arrest for attempting to purchase
pure mdma, aka Molly.
Ecstasy?!
Do I look like someone who would take drugs?!
What are you in for?
My daughter has the same name
as a Class-A controlled substance.
Ah! Cocaine!
It's a beautiful name. Very unique.
Oh, Molly, are you okay?
Better than you.
Boy, did I let this one slip away from me, huh?
I mean, today started out so normal!
Oh, man.
Oh, even when I'm right, I'm wrong.
You weren't right.
She never went to the rave.
What? I was gonna go.
Aha!
But I couldn't do it.
Aha!
Avery went.
I lent her my jacket and left my phone in the pocket.
Classic Avery.
I just worry, and I never want anything
to happen to my little girl.
Your father loves you very much, cocaine.
Okay, why don't you two wait over by the sleeping drunk?
Can we touch him?
No.
Okay, full disclosure, I'm not nailing all your friends.
Although I do think about Mary a lot.
I know that was out loud, so I'm sorry for that.
Um...
But you were right.
From now on, we're a team.
I know we have very, very different approaches,
but it can't be us against each other.
Absolutely.
It's got to be us against them.
I mean, the little one is fine,
but the one with the license scares the crap out of me.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Oh!
Mm!
This just feels right.
Okay. All right. All right. Very funny.
Okay. Back to work.
You all had your fun.
Indeed we have.
Oh, and speaking of fun,
look who's here, undoubtedly for his apology.
Um, circumstances in my personal life...
He did time.
Have led me to realize that on rare occasions,
I can be wrong.
Actually, you were right.
Of course I was. I'm never wrong.
I ended up getting that colonoscopy you recommended.
Turns out I had a pre-malignant polyp,
which they removed, but the specialist said
that if I had waited,
it would have turned into colon cancer.
You are a mean jerk person.
But if you hadn't been so tough on me,
I might have been a goner, so... thanks.
Hey, man, stay healthy.
Looks like you can't fire me now.
God, I miss circuit city.
I was the mayor, you know.
♪ I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter ♪
♪ Dancing through the fire ♪
It's not good, is it?
No, it's a train wreck.
But you're right. We have to give him freedom to...
- Go. - On it.
♪ Louder than a lion, 'cause I am... ♪ okay, deejay.
Back it up one time.
'Cause y'all about to be blessed.
Let's do this.
♪ I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter ♪
♪ dancing through the fire ♪
♪ 'cause I am a champion ♪
♪ and you're gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ louder, louder than a lion ♪
♪ 'cause I am a champion ♪
♪ and you're gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ you're gonna... ♪