1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:05,073
The fate of the human race
is depending on us.

2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,640
Just say what
you're trying to say.

3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,676
Repopulation,
you dumb donkey!

4
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,045
I'm not gonna have sex
with you unless we're married.

5
00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,080
Fine. Will you marry me?

6
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:13,547
Yes, I will!
You will?

7
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,882
Yes!
Oh!

8
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,118
*

9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:28,862
Do you, Carol, take me, Phil,

10
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,698
to be your
husband?
Yes, I do.

11
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:31,999
And do you,

12
00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:34,368
Phil, take me, Carol,
to be your wife?

13
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:43,644
Hmm?

14
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:46,714
I do?

15
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,282
Oh.

16
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,051
It's official.

17
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,120
We're married!

18
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,754
Aren't you excited?

19
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,789
It's a friggin'
fairy tale.

20
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,758
(chuckles)
Oh, hardy har har, Phil.

21
00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,627
What? I'm-I'm sorry.
It's just...

22
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,762
I mean, this is
so stupid.

23
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,797
I mean, why do we
have to cling to

24
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,299
the old
traditions, huh?

25
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,368
We're the last two
people on Earth.

26
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,804
(laughs)
No, we're not, silly.

27
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:14,275
(cheering)

28
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,444
(laughing)

29
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:17,945
*

30
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,447
(laughing)

31
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,049
No...!

32
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,751
(gasps)

33
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,763
Everyone's still dead.

34
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,500
Oh, thank God.

35
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,003
(sighs)

36
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,771
(knocking)

37
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,575
Knockety, knock, knock
knock, knock!

38
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,110
Yeah, uh, heard
the actual knocks, too.

39
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,280
Well, I'd say,
"Are you decent?"

40
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,747
but I know that
you never are.

41
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,149
Zing!
Hee hee hee hee.

42
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,151
Sorry to roast you
so hard.

43
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,452
I made you a special meal

44
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,288
in honor of our
wedding tomorrow.
(sighs)

45
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,856
Think you could clear off
all your dirty little magazines

46
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:03,991
for me so we could eat?

47
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:06,026
Uh... sure.

48
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,662
You know all these girls
were molested.

49
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,466
So, Phil,
I was thinking...

50
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,968
since the president of
the United States is dead

51
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,437
and we're the last
two people on Earth,

52
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,473
one of us should probably be the
president of the United States.

53
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,641
Fine, Carol.

54
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:21,542
You be the president.

55
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:24,612
That is so sweet,
but I could never.

56
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,947
I have a fear
of public speaking.

57
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,383
Fine, Carol, I'm the president.

58
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,185
I don't know,
we should probably have a vote.

59
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:33,321
Okay, let's have a vote.

60
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,189
Like secret ballot?

61
00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:36,890
Whatever you want.

62
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,293
(whispers):
I vote for you.

63
00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,629
(whispers):
I vote for me, too.

64
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,331
Well, it's unanimous!

65
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,398
(laughs)

66
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,966
I don't think
that's ever happened before.

67
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,502
Aren't you excited?

68
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,304
I'm so jazzed.

69
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,574
Now, I made you
a very special dish.

70
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:56,977
It's spaghetti,
but instead of meatballs,

71
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,512
it's raisin balls.

72
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,281
Hmm?

73
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,218
They look the same,

74
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,153
but they taste very different.

75
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,421
There's more here,

76
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:10,791
if you don't feel like
you got enough.

77
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,661
No, that's...
this is a good portion.

78
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,497
Do you want to know
what they symbolize?

79
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,698
Uh...

80
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,734
Yes.

81
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,769
So I'm the kind of gal

82
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,337
who tries to make
the best of things.

83
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,072
And since meatballs

84
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,007
will never, ever exist again,

85
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,710
I said, "Carol,
get your hands up,

86
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,445
"grab some raisins,

87
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,547
and you smash them
into a ball, girl."

88
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,418
Yeah.

89
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,253
Carol, are you really gonna
make us get married?

90
00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:40,788
Do you want the Earth
to be littered

91
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,023
with dozens of bastard children?
Didn't think so.

92
00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,458
You didn't give me time
to answer that.

93
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,093
Phil, the wedding
is happening,

94
00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,929
so let's just make it nice.

95
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,364
Now, I'm taking care of

96
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:51,432
the whole shebang.

97
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,100
I just need you
to do one thing for me.

98
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,101
I need you to get the rings.

99
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,703
That's it.

100
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,805
(sighs)

101
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,106
I'll get the rings.

102
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,274
Great.

103
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:03,110
I know we're not
each other's soul mates--

104
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,244
parentheses meatballs--

105
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,280
but if we give it
a little effort,

106
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,048
perhaps we can
make it work, huh?

107
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,283
Parentheses raisin balls.

108
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,251
So we might as well dig in
to the raisin balls--

109
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,853
parentheses life--
we've been given.

110
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,089
Mmm...

111
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:17,925
(mumbling)

112
00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:19,091
These don't...

113
00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:20,628
These have turned.

114
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:21,728
Hmm.

115
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,964
You might want to just
eat around them.
Yeah.

116
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,098
Thank you for the warning.

117
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,100
Now, take this
walkie-talkie here

118
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,336
in case you need to

119
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,003
get ahold of me, or vice versa,

120
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,005
'cause I'm gonna be
working like crazy

121
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,441
to pull this off.

122
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:36,009
You know what? We should do
a quick walkie check, I think.

123
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,379
Go for Carol.

124
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,948
Go for Carol.

125
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,652
(whispering):
Phil, go for me.

126
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:46,687
Go for Phil.

127
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,155
It works.

128
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:49,823
Okay, I'm gonna
leave you alone,

129
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,459
'cause it's your last night
as a free man.

130
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,293
Probably want to...

131
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:56,263
masturbate to your magazines
and such.

132
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,532
But I just want
you to know...

133
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:01,101
I'm gonna make
a really great wife.

134
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,004
I'm sure you will, Carol.

135
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,473
Bye-bye.

136
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,985
(grunting)

137
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,026
All right, Craftworks.

138
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,528
Let's plan a wedding.

139
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,564
*

140
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,139
Now, this is
a bachelor party, huh?

141
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,375
To the death of my single life.

142
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,543
Uh... oh, Gary!

143
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,044
Looks like you need
a little heater there.

144
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,413
Let's see.

145
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,648
Oh, Kevin,
I'm so sorry!

146
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,551
* She's wearing my ring

147
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,387
* Though not made of gold

148
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,223
* It tells me she's mine

149
00:05:56,256 --> 00:06:00,093
* To have and hold

150
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,429
* A little thin band

151
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,698
* Her finger, left hand

152
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:10,337
* A dime store wedding ring

153
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,406
* It tells me our love

154
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,943
* Is young and strong

155
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,245
* That a love so sweet

156
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:23,517
* Could never, never,
never go wrong *

157
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:29,389
* Could never, never, never
go wrong *

158
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,459
* Could never, never,
never go wrong. *

159
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,427
That's how you get rid of lice.

160
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:35,095
CAROL (over walkie-talkie):
Phil. Come in, Phil.

161
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:36,964
Go for Carol.

162
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,365
Phil, Carol here.

163
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,366
Go for Carol.

164
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,268
Come on, I know you can hear me.

165
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,436
Go for me.

166
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:46,206
Go for Carol. Go for Carol!

167
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,207
What, Carol?

168
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,443
Don't you mean "Go for Phil"?

169
00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:50,811
Go for Phil.

170
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,279
Did you get
the wedding rings yet? Over.

171
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,881
Not yet.

172
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:54,715
Why not? Over.

173
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,450
I've been very busy, Carol.

174
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:59,086
Are you really busy, Phil?
Be honest. Over.

175
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,221
I am very busy, Carol.

176
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,458
Busy burning wigs? Over.

177
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,477
Hey.

178
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,579
I haven't seen you
since we ended things.

179
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,648
Uh... you seeing anybody?

180
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,983
Actually, never mind.
I don't want to know.

181
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,353
So I'm kind of
on my bachelor party.

182
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:36,156
Uh, got the whole
wolf pack here.

183
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,457
Yeah. Getting married.

184
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,860
(chuckles) Today.

185
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,962
I don't know
if that's as emotional

186
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,598
for mannequins as it is
for humans, but, uh...

187
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:47,334
I thought that you should know.

188
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,436
Her name is Carol.

189
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,004
And she's definitely
not the one.

190
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,340
I mean, she's the last woman
on the face of the Earth,

191
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,342
so technically she's the one.

192
00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,477
But she's not the one the one.

193
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,812
You know what I mean?

194
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,380
Anyway...

195
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,816
you're very special to me and...

196
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,657
I don't want to be that guy.

197
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,859
I don't want to be that guy.

198
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,029
(bells chiming
Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")

199
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,691
CAROL: Press "play"
on the boom box!

200
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:46,026
And remember to smile.

201
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,796
Yep. Saw your note.

202
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,871
(Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"
begins)

203
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,774
It's started!

204
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:02,075
Can you hear it?
CAROL: Shh!

205
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,645
I'm waiting for my entrance.
I timed it out!

206
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,117
*

207
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,430
CAROL (over recording):
We are gathered here today

208
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:25,398
to join Philip Miller

209
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:28,201
and Carol Pilbasian
in holy matrimony.

210
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,436
Hi.

211
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,071
In getting to know
the bride and groom,

212
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,406
I see great potential
in this match.

213
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,709
Look into each other's eyes.

214
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:38,779
Really look
into each other's eyes.

215
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,580
You both look great today,

216
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:43,951
in your wedding dress
and your tuxedo.

217
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:45,285
Oh, it's okay.

218
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,621
Now it's time for the vows.

219
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:50,090
Instead of formal vows,

220
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,993
the bride and groom
will speak from the heart.

221
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,428
Carol, you're up first.

222
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:59,399
Phil Miller,
thank you for marrying me.

223
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,501
Through this union,

224
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,470
we will hopefully be blessed

225
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,773
with bringing life and promise
to a new world.

226
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,641
For a new day
will dawn,

227
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,944
and humankind will rise anew

228
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,781
because of what
we're doing today.

229
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,115
CAROL (over recording):
Very nice, Carol.

230
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,249
Thank you.

231
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,584
Just beautiful.

232
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,952
Now it's the groom's turn. Phil?

233
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,488
But you told me all I had to do
was get the rings.

234
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,256
Oh, just speak from the heart.

235
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,958
Okay.
Yeah.

236
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,827
Um...

237
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:27,627
Carol...

238
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,462
Yes.
Uh...

239
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,132
You seem like a good person.

240
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,300
Thank you.
We're gonna,

241
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:34,634
uh, be married, you know.

242
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,006
A... And?

243
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,775
Yeah, that's it.

244
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,778
Oh, I left a little more space
here for you,

245
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,047
so we'll just wait it out.

246
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,148
(chuckles)

247
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:57,958
Phil, that was beautiful.

248
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,960
Now for the exchange of rings.

249
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,830
Rings are a symbol
of the eternity of marriage.

250
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:03,964
Oh, oh, shoot. They're not here.

251
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,132
Phil, do you have the rings?

252
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,300
Phil, did you even get them?
Be honest.

253
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,302
Carol, I...

254
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,470
I'm not gonna

255
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,705
start this marriage out
with a lie.

256
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,173
I got the rings.

257
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,574
Phil.
God.

258
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,944
Look me in the eyes.
Did you really get them?

259
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,813
I started the marriage out
with a lie.

260
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,248
I did not get the rings.

261
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,716
That was your one job.

262
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:23,984
Carol Pilbasian, do you take

263
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,685
Phil Miller to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

264
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,754
I can't do this.

265
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,822
What?
You can't buy me
a goldarn ring?

266
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,257
I'm trying so hard to

267
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,759
raisin ball the hell
out of this ceremony,

268
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:34,594
but you are the worst.
Just forget it.

269
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:37,697
Carol. Come on.

270
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,037
One job.

271
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,208
I now pronounce you
man and wife.

272
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,243
You may kiss the bride.

273
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,246
(engine starts)

274
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,590
PHIL: Carol!
(knocking)

275
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:04,892
Look, I'm getting worried
about you, okay?

276
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:07,560
I don't think you're in there,
but if you are,

277
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,362
just know I'm gonna
break down your door.

278
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:13,233
And this is not out of anger,
this is out of concern.

279
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:27,280
Sorry, got a little too into it.

280
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,316
*

281
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,776
Is that eggplant?

282
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,801
PHIL (over walkie-talkie):
Carol, come on,

283
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:22,870
please go for Phil.

284
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,371
Look, I know that you're upset,

285
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,806
but I just, I really
want to talk to you.

286
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,778
Phil, I don't want to talk
to you right now.

287
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,981
I'm very busy.

288
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,251
Busy bedazzling pillows?

289
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,623
What are you doing here?

290
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,225
Well,

291
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,328
I came by 'cause
I-I wanted to say something.

292
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,197
Well, I'm listening.
Okay.

293
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:55,502
Carol, you drive me crazy.

294
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,970
You don't get
my jokes.

295
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,372
You correct my grammar.

296
00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:01,074
You talk and talk and talk

297
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,043
and talk, and you pester me
worse than my mother.

298
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,879
It really annoys me when you...
when you do that stuff.

299
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,848
Oh, you are no picnic yourself,
Mr. Porn J...

300
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,317
Yes? Carol?

301
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,885
Rat-beard...

302
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,753
Carol. Carol.
Poopy-pool...

303
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,288
the Third...

304
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,725
Not done yet.

305
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,995
Look...
when I got home,

306
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:25,332
and you didn't come back,
I started to get worried.

307
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,599
Why were you worried?

308
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,735
Please,
don't interrupt this, okay?

309
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,371
I realized
that I'd rather

310
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:35,342
eat raisin balls--
parentheses live in a world

311
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,545
in which
I am challenged by your...

312
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,413
tendencies...

313
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,514
Okay.

314
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,783
...than eat no balls at all--

315
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:47,254
parentheses
go back to living alone.

316
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,788
That's nice.

317
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,757
I know.

318
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,459
Phil, you were
a real scrub today.

319
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,460
I know.

320
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,395
You know
how I feel about scrubs.

321
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,130
You don't want no?

322
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,300
Yeah.

323
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,135
Bingo.

324
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,770
So, what do you say,
you want to go home?

325
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:06,006
Huh?

326
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,583
Wh-Where are you going?

327
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,085
Little detour.

328
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,224
I have a little present for you.

329
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:24,992
(gasps)

330
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,826
No, you didn't.

331
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:27,961
Philip Miller,

332
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:30,130
a tiny sledgehammer?

333
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,399
I love it.
That's not the present.

334
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,633
It's not?

335
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:34,634
No.

336
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,003
What's the present?

337
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,672
Mm, oh... that one.

338
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,442
And that one
and those ones.

339
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:44,611
Oh, that one, too.

340
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,346
Okay.

341
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:52,019
CAROL (over recording): I now
pronounce you man and wife.

342
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,021
You may kiss the bride.

343
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:57,290
(piano and violin playing
Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")

344
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:03,963
Yowza!

345
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:06,633
Let her up for air, Phil.
(laughs)

346
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,970
Phil.

347
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,409
Your presence is requested
in the bedroom.

348
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,716
Um...

349
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,452
Uh...

350
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,453
Yeah, let's see what...

351
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,620
Just focus on me, huh?

352
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,356
Okay.
Mmm.

353
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,492
Mmm.

354
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,194
Mmm.

355
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:34,994
Come on.

356
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,129
Phil.
What?

357
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:39,332
Just give yourself up
to the process.

358
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,400
And don't worry,

359
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:44,237
I've been told that I'm
very, very good at this.

360
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,972
Oh, throw your
sleeping bag down!

361
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,640
Phil, that's your
camping spot!

362
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:48,908
You big camper!

363
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:52,579
You better put the food in the
trees before the bears get it.

364
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:53,846
Ah, you hear them coming?

365
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,748
Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

366
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,584
Nicely done, Phil!

367
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,352
And here we go!

368
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,488
Oh!

369
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,190
Oh, I'm famished.

370
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:06,326
After doing the nasty, I
need to have some beans.

371
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,694
Oh, you want some beans, babe?

372
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,029
No. No, I don't want...
No?

373
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:12,031
I'm just gonna... just...

374
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,334
sit here and,
you know, try to...

375
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,270
figure out what just happened.

376
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,540
Mmm.

377
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:24,111
I actually have some
constructive criticisms for you.

378
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,945
You should talk more.

379
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,349
I like to hear what
my man has to say.

380
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,751
Just get in there
with some sexual jibber-jabber.

381
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,620
It will be welcomed.

382
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,622
Carol, in all honesty, I think
we have different methods,

383
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,890
'cause I kind of like
to church-mouse it.

384
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:38,925
Ooh.

385
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,727
What's that mouse doing
in the church?

386
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,497
Mmm.

387
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:47,767
Oh, my God, I can't believe

388
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,304
I just had sex with the
president of the United States.

389
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,140
(laughs)

390
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:05,952
Phil Miller, what is
going on in here?

391
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:08,288
Well, Carol, I'm playing
racquetball, okay?

392
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:11,391
You have to know that this is
the kind of thing I do.

393
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,293
I assume you're gonna say
you got to...

394
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,429
go outside or go find
an official racquetball court,

395
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:19,098
but you just have to know
these things about me.

396
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,301
I want to play racquetball
in my house.

397
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,636
And-and I'm afraid
I have to demand it.

398
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,638
This is who I am!

399
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,774
And... (panting)

400
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,409
Are you done?

401
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,411
Yes.

402
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,215
I was just gonna ask if
you had a second racquet.

403
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,318
Go! Go!
(whoops)

404
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,553
Got it!

405
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,522
Oh, Phil!

406
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,090
Oh!

407
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,091
(screams)

408
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,693
I broke a vase!

409
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,127
Did I get a point for that?

410
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,796
CAROL:
Mmm.

411
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,004
Did you notice how
silent I'm being?

412
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,939
Uh, yeah, I noticed.
Thank you.

413
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,774
I'll just be
your silent wife.

414
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,676
CAROL:
Oh...!

415
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,678
You sure this is safe?

416
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:06,946
You're fine, Carol.

417
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,181
It's a fireproof suit.

418
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,450
Here goes nothing.

419
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,319
*

420
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,521
Ugh.

421
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,691
(laughs)

422
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,699
Yes!

423
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,805
So this is your
ex-girlfriend, huh?

424
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,040
Yep.

425
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,074
She's very pretty.

426
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,076
Yeah. She's not bad.

427
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,211
Where are you going?

428
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,080
Oh, I'm just gonna
introduce myself.

429
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,515
Hello.

430
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,551
I'm Phil Miller's
new wife, Carol.

431
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:45,652
What's your name?

432
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,553
Oh.

433
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,821
That's a nice
name for a hussy!

434
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,290
(grunts) Come on!

435
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,326
(laughs tauntingly)

436
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,894
You should have just said
your name, you wouldn't...

437
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,397
You should have said
your name.
None of this would
be happening.

438
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,599
That's right!
You tell everybody

439
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:03,703
that Phil Miller's
off the market!

440
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:04,704
That's right!

441
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,738
You should have s...

442
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:06,873
(laughs)

443
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,908
(laughs):
Oh!

444
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,380
She was being
a real "B."

445
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,616
You know, Carol, I thought
this whole marriage thing

446
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,252
was just gonna be an
absolute disaster.

447
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:23,122
But I got to say,
it's surprisingly...

448
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,190
tolerable.

449
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,892
Yeah, totally bearable.

450
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,527
Yeah, I mean,

451
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,897
this is our
destiny, maybe.

452
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,465
I think so.

453
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,801
CAROL:
Oh!

454
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:35,935
(Phil screams)

455
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,474
Are you okay?
Yeah, I think so.

456
00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,775
Yeah.

457
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:46,078
Hello?

458
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:48,247
Hello in there?

459
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:55,822
Oh, my God.

460
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,657
Are you okay?
Uh...

461
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,892
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

462
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,662
* She's wearing my ring

463
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,298
* Though not made of gold

464
00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:07,967
* It tells me she's mine

465
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,337
* To have and hold

466
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:14,006
* A little thin band

467
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,476
* Her finger, left hand

468
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:21,514
* A dime store wedding ring

469
00:21:21,548 --> 00:21:24,150
* It tells me our love

470
00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:26,786
* Is young and strong

471
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:29,255
* That a love so sweet

472
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,960
* Could never, never,
never go wrong. *