1
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,308
Melissa and I...

2
00:00:04,352 --> 00:00:05,831
[whispers]:
had sex.

3
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,616
[laughs]:
Good for you.

4
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:10,140
I just keep thinking about
if Todd wasn't here.

5
00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:11,533
Todd is here.

6
00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:13,752
Hey, bud,
want to go for a ride?

7
00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,972
TODD:
Nice try, Phil.

8
00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:17,278
I knew you were coming back
the whole time.

9
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,715
So did I.

10
00:00:21,543 --> 00:00:23,762
TODD: You know, one of
the positives about no people

11
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:27,201
is that we get to see
the stars, huh?

12
00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:31,248
Todd, thank you for helping
me move my dresser upstairs.

13
00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:32,249
Ah, anytime, Carol.

14
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:33,903
It was fun, you know?

15
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,992
Gave me a chance to get
some one-on-one time with you.

16
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,690
So in a way,
it was kind of a selfish move.

17
00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:42,172
Such a sweetie.

18
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:43,956
Ooh, what's that, Melissa?

19
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,961
Well, someone went out and
got me a charm bracelet.

20
00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,094
Was that someone's name Todd?

21
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,487
[laughter]

22
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,534
Did Todd get that for you or...?

23
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:58,493
Yes.
I got it...
I got it for her.

24
00:00:58,536 --> 00:01:00,799
MELISSA:
Todd.
That's so sweet.

25
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,758
Phil's never gotten me anything.

26
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,325
Carol, I got you
that rash cream.

27
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:06,240
I stand corrected.

28
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,329
"Phil's never
gotten me anything."

29
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:09,373
As if.

30
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,679
Guys, I hope you don't mind

31
00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,159
giving me the floor here
for a minute.

32
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,986
I don't know
if you know this,

33
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:16,163
but in my spare time,
I like to sculpt a little bit.

34
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:20,254
Anyways, I had a little time
on my hands, and, uh...

35
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,038
I made you all this.

36
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,387
[Carol gasps]

37
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:24,693
Oh, that is so cute.
Thanks.

38
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,521
You have a real gift, Todd.

39
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,351
Isn't that amazing, Phil?

40
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:32,265
I'm blown away.

41
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:34,789
It's so frigging awesome, Todd.

42
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,574
TODD: Thanks, buddy.
You know, I figured

43
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,576
we'd, you know,
leave it out here...

44
00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:41,971
...you know, by-by the campfire.

45
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:43,842
CAROL:
That's a great idea!

46
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,714
Hey.

47
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,411
Give me one right here.

48
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,327
Ah. Fell for that old one.[laughs]

49
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,981
Such a sucker.

50
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:54,810
Well, and I'd fall for it
a million times over.

51
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:55,767
[gasps]

52
00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:57,769
You guys are so adorable.

53
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:01,425
Yeah, really, really adorable.

54
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:03,645
Oh! Oh, G-God!

55
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,037
Oh, no!

56
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,343
No!

57
00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:08,258
I accidentally broke
Todd's awesome sculpture.

58
00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,042
Ah, the Phil fell off.MELISSA: It's okay.

59
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:11,566
Looks like it was
a clean break.

60
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:14,046
It actually looks good
without the Phil.

61
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:16,658
You know what, I can...
I can totally fix that.

62
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:17,572
Todd.

63
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:18,877
What can't you do?

64
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:19,791
Hmm?

65
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,315
TODD:
Stop.
Nothing.

66
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:28,670
Carol!

67
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:30,367
Carol!

68
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:31,629
What?
Oh, hey.

69
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,109
Can I borrow your DVR?

70
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,545
I've watched everything on mine.

71
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,460
Okay, but this one only has
Cake Bosseson it.

72
00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:37,766
Okay, great.

73
00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:39,333
Spoiler alert...Oh, no, no, I don't want to...

74
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,422
The cake...Don't.

75
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,250
...won't fit in the...Ah!

76
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:44,860
You done?

77
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:45,555
...van.

78
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,341
[groans]
Yeah.

79
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,778
I gave you so many clues
that I didn't want to hear that.

80
00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,562
I just didn't want you
to get your hopes up

81
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,303
about getting the cake there
in one piece.

82
00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:54,870
Okay, I understand.
Thanks for telling me.

83
00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:57,133
Hey, you know,
we could commingle our DVRs

84
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,395
if we just lived together.

85
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,268
Carol, you know how I feel
about my space.

86
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:04,140
I know, but the space
isn't really helping

87
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,620
with our repopulation plan.

88
00:03:05,663 --> 00:03:07,448
I mean, look at Todd

89
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:08,710
and Melissa.

90
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,277
They've known each other
for, like,

91
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,103
half the amount of time we have,

92
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:14,063
and they're already basically
living with each other.

93
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:17,022
Carol, there's a huge
difference between

94
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,895
basically living with each other
and living with each other.

95
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:24,334
Well, can you at least
fix my door, for Pete's dragon?

96
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:26,510
Oh, it always comes back
to the frigging door!

97
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:27,903
Forget about it, you scrub.

98
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,731
I'll just get Todd
to do it then.

99
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,647
Oh, God! Todd this, Todd that.

100
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,301
"Todd's my hero."

101
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,650
Todd?!

102
00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:37,521
Todd would probably do
a better job,

103
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:40,872
and he would do it with a smile
on his beautiful face.

104
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,135
Carol, I get no respect
in this community!

105
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:44,615
In fact,
the whole reason I came

106
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:47,531
over here in the first place
was to fix your door.

107
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,272
I thought it was
to borrow my DVR.

108
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:52,623
Yeah, borrowing your DVR is
a subset of fixing this door.

109
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:53,885
Okay? See?

110
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:54,843
I'm taking measurements

111
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:55,974
right in front of your eyes.

112
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,194
There we go. Got it.

113
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,281
All right.

114
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,415
You don't have to fix
my door, Phil.

115
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:03,417
I don't? Oh, thank God.

116
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,461
If you let me move in with you.

117
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,072
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

118
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:09,161
I'm fixing this door.

119
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:10,380
Okay, there we go.

120
00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:11,555
Off to the door store.

121
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,428
Gonna remember this measurement.

122
00:04:14,471 --> 00:04:17,213
PHIL: I don't know how much
longer I can take this whole

123
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,301
Todd lovefest!

124
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,911
"Oh, hi, I'm Todd.

125
00:04:19,954 --> 00:04:21,348
"Let me kiss your ass, ladies,

126
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,175
"and do a bunch
of nice things for you.

127
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:24,481
"Oh, hi, I'm Todd.

128
00:04:24,525 --> 00:04:26,875
Check out this stupid
crappy sculpture I did."

129
00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:28,572
You guys want to see
a sculpture?

130
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,487
This is a frigging sculpture.

131
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:32,315
It's Thomas.

132
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:33,925
He's perfect, right?

133
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,537
I mean, I set up
this whole frigging community!

134
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:38,539
None of them would be here
right now if it wasn't for me.

135
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,192
And do I get any credit
for that?

136
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:41,585
No, I don't.

137
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,370
Okay, here, I got another one.

138
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,328
It's Diego.

139
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,243
See, Todd,
anyone can do this crap!

140
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:51,552
Look, Todd cannot come in here
and steal my thunder.

141
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:52,988
I mean,
I'm the frigging President

142
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,120
of the United States of America,
for God's sake.

143
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,513
I just wish there was some way

144
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:59,386
I could remind them
of how important I am.

145
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,388
Some grand gesture I could make.

146
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:02,737
Something spectacular.

147
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,347
It's got to be spectacular.

148
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,610
Got to be spectacular.

149
00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:09,396
Come on, think, think, think.

150
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:10,962
Spectacular. What's spectacular?

151
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:13,008
What would really
blow them away?

152
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:14,966
What's a...

153
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:17,273
♪

154
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:29,764
You are... frigging...
kidding me.

155
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,288
[laughing]

156
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,551
[mooing]

157
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,603
In a moment, I'm gonna open
this door, and you're gonna see

158
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,300
something that's gonna knock
your frigging socks off.

159
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,258
I mean, this is
a game changer.

160
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,435
It's... a game changer.

161
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,045
I don't know how else to put it.

162
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,742
Okay, but I have
a question.
Yeah?

163
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,049
Is this going to change the game
in any way?

164
00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,964
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

165
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:58,227
Maybe this will
answer your question, okay?

166
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,534
Bam.

167
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,842
Wow.
I know, right?

168
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,583
What an incredible
empty doorway.

169
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:07,802
Wh-What?

170
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,281
Wait.

171
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,022
Wow, this is really
gonna change the game.

172
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:13,590
Yeah, I mean, all I'm seeing
is a whole lot of empty space

173
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:16,288
for one man
living all alone.

174
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:17,681
It's sad really.

175
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,117
Carol, now's not the time.

176
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,293
Well, it's never the time!

177
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,469
[cow moos]

178
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,472
What?
Holy cow.

179
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:27,517
Oh, my God!

180
00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:29,432
[laughs]

181
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,651
I thought I'd never see
another animal again!

182
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:31,695
Hi there, little lady.

183
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:32,783
[laughs]

184
00:06:32,827 --> 00:06:34,829
MELISSA:
Amazing!

185
00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:36,700
Well, look what I did, huh?

186
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:37,875
[laughter]

187
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,486
So how do you guys
like your burgers?

188
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:41,226
Ha, ha, Phil,
very funny.

189
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,619
The lady prefers steak?

190
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:44,447
Oh, you're serious?

191
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:47,668
Phil, we have to keep
this cow alive for milk.

192
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:49,931
Hey, we don't know how to take
care of an animal like this.

193
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:52,455
I mean, this thing will be dead
in, like, three weeks.

194
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,239
So let's just do
the humane thing

195
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,154
and murder it now
so we can have burgers tonight.

196
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:59,462
You know, Phil, I might be
able to help us out here.

197
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:00,898
You've killed a cow before?

198
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,814
No. As a kid,
I used to spend my summers

199
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:04,902
on my uncle's dairy farm.

200
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,513
So you know
how to milk it?

201
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:08,732
I can get you milk,
I can churn you butter.

202
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,561
Uh, I can get you
yogurt, cheese.

203
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,171
Pretty much anything dairy
is at our disposal now.

204
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,956
MELISSA:
Todd, you're the best!

205
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:16,523
[laughs]

206
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:18,525
I'm gonna start calling you
the milkman, milkman.

207
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,830
[laughter]
TODD:
Carol.

208
00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:22,485
With all due respect
to the milkman here,

209
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,661
who definitely deserves
all this praise

210
00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,576
for basically
just standing around,

211
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:27,838
I found this thing,
so it'll be

212
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,058
my call what happens with it.
Okay, Todd?

213
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,407
No, no, no, no, no.

214
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,148
Phil, just because
you found the cow

215
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,889
doesn't give you the right
to decide what we do with it.

216
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,933
Uh, yes, it does.

217
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,545
Clearly you've forgotten about

218
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,547
a little something called
finders keepers.

219
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:41,765
Finders keepers?

220
00:07:41,808 --> 00:07:42,766
Are you five years old?

221
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,377
And like clockwork,
the losers weep.

222
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,641
Phil, we aren't children,
and this isn't a playground.

223
00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:48,685
Doy!

224
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,209
Come on, Phil.

225
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:53,385
CAROL: Yeah, this
is ridiculous!

226
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,737
Hey, hey, I'm not trying
to fight with you here, okay?

227
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,521
I'm just trying to tell you
what I could do

228
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,175
if I was a selfish person.

229
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:01,611
But what I will do,

230
00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:03,221
since I'm the ultimate
team player,

231
00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:07,399
is bypass FK
and let this little mother live.

232
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,185
Phil, that's very big of you.

233
00:08:10,228 --> 00:08:13,318
It is a pretty big sacrifice,
especially considering

234
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:16,800
someone in our midst might be
severely lactose intolerant.

235
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,498
Are you lactose intolerant?

236
00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:22,545
Yes.

237
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,242
Ah, really?

238
00:08:24,286 --> 00:08:25,592
But no worries, you know.

239
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:27,681
Just seeing the three of you
happy is my milk.

240
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,987
Well, aren't
you a martyr?

241
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,772
Well, if I'm a martyr,

242
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,209
then I guess you're also gonna
have to call Christ a martyr.

243
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,645
TODD:
Hey, Phil, you know,

244
00:08:35,688 --> 00:08:36,994
I have a ton of grass
in my backyard.

245
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,256
I'd be more than happy

246
00:08:38,299 --> 00:08:39,823
to keep her back
there if you want.

247
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:40,780
Nice try, Todd. No.

248
00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:42,652
I found it;
it'll stay right here.

249
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,828
Oh, so a barnyard animal
gets to move in with you,

250
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,222
but, uh, not your own wife?

251
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:48,745
Carol, this is perfect
for the cow!

252
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,226
All these hard tiles
for it to hoof around on.

253
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,706
I mean, look at her,
she loves it!

254
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,795
Wh-Whoa, where you going, girl?!

255
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:55,970
[gasps]

256
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,363
Looks like
she's headed to Todd's.

257
00:08:58,407 --> 00:08:59,626
[laughs]

258
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,976
Oh, good, good, good.

259
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,675
Good, good, good, good.

260
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,590
Friggin' Todd.

261
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:09,810
You like that grass,
don't you, little lady? Huh?

262
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,246
I'm sorry, Phil,

263
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,639
should we take her
back to your place?

264
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,641
Well, I'm sure
she prefers my foyer,

265
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,643
but, uh, you know,
it's been a really big day.

266
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,384
Maybe just tonight we'll, uh,
let her stay here. Sure.

267
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:22,300
Okay, well,
let's get you tied up.

268
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:23,954
My uncle taught
me this knot.

269
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:24,825
It's called

270
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,391
a clove hitch.

271
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:27,741
Yeah, the old clove hitch.
Know it well.

272
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,656
Oh, you do?
Everyone does.

273
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,875
Anybody want to learn
how to milk a cow?

274
00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:33,703
Yes! I do!
Oh, I do!

275
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:34,835
TODD: All right.CAROL: Here you go.

276
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,271
Here we go.

277
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,316
So, first you grab the teat
like this.

278
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,753
Okay?

279
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,624
You massage the teat,

280
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,408
and then you gently tug on it.

281
00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:45,672
Did you really learn that
on your uncle's farm

282
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:48,544
or during your summers working
as a male prostitute? [chuckles]

283
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,763
[Todd laughs]

284
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,460
TODD: That's a
good one, Phil.

285
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:53,897
Yeah, it is a risqué motion,
but it gets the job done.

286
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:55,769
[women gasp]

287
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,335
Milk!
We have milk!

288
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:58,467
Oh, my gosh!

289
00:09:58,510 --> 00:09:59,729
TODD:
Anybody want a sip?

290
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,601
Yeah, I do! Oh, my God!I do!

291
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:04,908
Mmm.

292
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,301
It's good, isn't it?

293
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:06,910
Whoa!

294
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,695
MELISSA:
Mmm!

295
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:09,652
Phil, you want a sip?

296
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,307
Uh, God, I'm-I'm sorry, Phil.

297
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,788
I forgot you're
lactose intolerant.

298
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,137
Yeah, yeah.

299
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,312
I did say that.

300
00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:18,661
Diagnosed lactose intolerant.

301
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,010
Type 2, the worst type. Yeah.Sorry.

302
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,882
Todd, tell us
more about cows.

303
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,057
TODD: Well, I
don't know much.

304
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,493
I know that
they can go

305
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,495
upstairs, but they can't
come downstairs.

306
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,889
Oh, my Uncle Gary
was the same way.

307
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:31,587
Maybe he had some
cow genes in him.
[laughs]

308
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,589
[laughs]:
Maybe.

309
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,722
And I know you can't
milk a bull.

310
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,071
I learned that the hard way.

311
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,507
[laughter]

312
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:39,943
A story for
another time.

313
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,815
TODD [laughs]:
Yeah.

314
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:43,120
[groans loudly]

315
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,731
Oh, God.

316
00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:46,080
You know, the odor
of this milk is

317
00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,603
really triggering
my intolerance.

318
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,952
Uh, you know,
stomach really hurting here.

319
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,562
[groans]
Okay, well,

320
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:52,564
the pain is worth it when I see
the smiles on your faces.

321
00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:53,957
I should go,
I should go.

322
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,220
Enjoy your milk that I found.
[groans]

323
00:10:57,178 --> 00:10:58,570
Anybody want a White Russian?

324
00:10:58,614 --> 00:10:59,702
Oh, my God.
[gasps]

325
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,530
CAROL: Todd,
you're the best.

326
00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:02,836
TODD: Let's get
some more milk.

327
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,185
CAROL:
Oh, my God.

328
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,764
[whispering]:
Okay, okay, okay.

329
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,201
Here we go. Yes, yes, yes.

330
00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:21,855
[laughs]

331
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:22,812
Okay.

332
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,731
[door closes]

333
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:48,011
[moans]

334
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,927
TODD: Something about a woman
who can milk a cow.

335
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:52,624
Gross, Todd.

336
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:54,888
[scoffs]

337
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,933
Frigging Todd.

338
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:03,331
Uh-oh, Todd,
you big undeserving hero.

339
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:08,379
Looks like your clove hitch
was not cloved enough.

340
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:11,469
And now their precious milk
and cheese and yogurt

341
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,254
is going bye-bye.

342
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,777
And who's to blame?

343
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,039
You.
[snickers]

344
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,345
Come on, come on.

345
00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:18,825
[clicks tongue]
Come on, heel, heel.

346
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,740
Mush, mush.

347
00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:26,136
I never thought I'd be so
excited about a bowl of cereal.

348
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,051
I know.
I don't know if I can wait.

349
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:29,792
Can we just go out
to the cow

350
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,402
and milk it directly
into the bowl?
TODD: Guys!

351
00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,361
The cow's gone!

352
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,276
What?!
It's gone!

353
00:12:35,319 --> 00:12:38,235
Look, I know you guys are
questioning my decision here,

354
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:40,629
but this is something
I had to do.

355
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:42,457
I got to reclaim this victory.

356
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,286
And that's why I got to go
twice-baked potato on their ass.

357
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,070
That's a weird analogy;
let me explain.

358
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:49,638
You bake a potato once,
it's delicious.

359
00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:52,032
You bake that same
baked potato again,

360
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,860
and-and the flavors
pop even more.

361
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,600
It's crisper.

362
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:58,081
It's just, like, an
unforgettable potato experience.

363
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,300
But I... hey, hey, hey.

364
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:00,867
Leave Trevor alone.

365
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,042
Anyway, you know,
that's all I'm doing here.

366
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,261
Baking this cow situation again.

367
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:07,047
You know, I bring
the cow back home, again,

368
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:09,092
and I'm a hero, again.

369
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,528
You hang in there, girl.

370
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:12,530
Just got to milk this
a little bit longer.

371
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,010
Boom, I still got it.

372
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,101
She's not back here.

373
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,450
[groans]

374
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:21,278
Hey, there, gang.
I was just in town

375
00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,845
getting this cute
straw hat for the cow.

376
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:24,629
I can't wait to put it
on her furry little head.

377
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,022
The cow's gone.

378
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,328
Hardy har har, Carol.

379
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,025
But seriously,
where is that cute girl?

380
00:13:29,069 --> 00:13:30,026
She ran away.

381
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,462
Okay, okay.

382
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:33,682
This is, uh... wow.

383
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:34,857
Okay, uh...

384
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,903
Huh, hmm... huh.

385
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,730
What?!
TODD: I don't
know what happened.

386
00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:41,342
I mean, we went down there in
the middle of the night, right?

387
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,257
And sh-she was all tied up
securely and everything.

388
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,040
We woke up this morning,
she was just gone.

389
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:47,000
I thought you said
you tied a good clove hitch.

390
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,002
I did! I mean, I...
I-I thought I did.

391
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,307
I'm sorry, guys.

392
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:51,874
Uh, this is
all my fault.

393
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,094
I feel like I really
let us down here.

394
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,051
Well, this sucks!

395
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,923
I can't go back
to cereal and water.

396
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:59,012
I need cheese.

397
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:01,318
Guys, look at me
and listen to me.

398
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,538
I know we're all frustrated,
but hear this, okay?

399
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:06,454
We have to fight
the very natural temptation

400
00:14:06,497 --> 00:14:08,456
to assign blame right now.

401
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,327
Blaming Todd is not
gonna be productive.

402
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:12,025
No one's blaming Todd.

403
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:14,027
That's the spirit, Meliss, okay?

404
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:17,030
And I want us to all
keep not blaming Todd.

405
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:17,900
He's suffering enough

406
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,032
right now.

407
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,555
Because mathematically,

408
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:22,687
100% of the blame
lies at his feet.

409
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:23,906
Hundred percent.

410
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,299
This is not your fault.

411
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,605
And yet, at the same time,
it is. Hmm.

412
00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:29,172
But, hey, no worries.

413
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,131
I got this.What?

414
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:32,959
I'm gonna go find
that cow, okay?

415
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:34,699
So you guys just hang here
and relax, okay?

416
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,397
Ah, Phil, l-let me help
in some way, please.

417
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,138
Hey, hey, I got this.

418
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,314
I found it the first time,
I can find it again.

419
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,142
Trust me.

420
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:44,231
You know exactly where
that cow is, don't you, Phil?

421
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:46,624
[laughs]:
What?

422
00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,148
I do not.

423
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,192
You're lying.

424
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:49,976
Where were you this morning?

425
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,499
Where was I
this morning?!

426
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,153
I was getting this hat
for the cow

427
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,545
this morning
at a hat store.

428
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:56,112
And that is why I'm holding it.

429
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,114
Carol, help me out here.

430
00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,550
Don't look at me, Phil.

431
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:01,770
If we lived together,
you'd have an alibi.

432
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,163
[sighs]

433
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:05,992
I had nothing to do with this.

434
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:07,515
Then why don't we all go search?

435
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:09,256
Let's all search?

436
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:11,867
Sorry.

437
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:12,955
Yeah, okay.

438
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,739
Yeah, let's all search.

439
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:17,829
So, we'll each
take a quadrant.

440
00:15:17,873 --> 00:15:19,614
Okay, as president,
I get first choice.

441
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,137
No, I'll take
the first choice.

442
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:23,139
But, Melissa...
Where was that
bar you showed me?

443
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,098
Uh...

444
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:27,100
Phil? Where's the bar?Mm-hmm?

445
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,841
Uh... the bar.
Oh, geez, uh, yeah.

446
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,017
It's right, uh, right there.

447
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,757
I want that one.Oh, okay.

448
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,846
Yeah, Phil, I'll take
this guy right here.

449
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:37,893
[chuckles]:
Give Phil a big open section,

450
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,677
because he loves his space.

451
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,854
Did you guys hear?
He won't live with his wife.

452
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,813
MELISSA and TODD:
Yeah, we've heard.CAROL: Yeah.

453
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:46,858
Okay, so, uh, I guess
I will take this quadrant.

454
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:49,470
Unless anybody else, uh,
wants to switch, Melissa?

455
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,254
A-Anybody? Uh...

456
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:52,038
No?

457
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,387
Would you like mine?

458
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:54,997
Like, I'll
trade with...

459
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,694
No, we'll stay
with our quadrants.
Okay.

460
00:15:56,738 --> 00:15:58,653
Okay, so it is about 10:00 a.m.

461
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,133
Uh, wherever that cow is,

462
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,786
she's probably hunkered down
for the night.

463
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,049
So best we just

464
00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,833
sit tight for now
and, uh, you know,

465
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,443
hit it hard
first thing in the morning?

466
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:08,010
If you don't mind, I'm gonna
start my search right now.

467
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,446
Uh, okay.

468
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:12,145
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]

469
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:15,148
[groans softly]

470
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,174
Oh, the cow's gone.

471
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,742
Thank God. Thank God.

472
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:50,183
Where's the frigging cow?

473
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,446
Gary! [screams]

474
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,147
PHIL: Come on, where are you,
you old piece of crap?

475
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,541
How the heck did you get
out of that bar?

476
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,067
[sighs]

477
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,200
Frigging Todd.

478
00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:08,636
[laughs]

479
00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,290
You found the cow!

480
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:11,464
Ha!

481
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:12,901
Yeah, she was just
right down the street

482
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,207
in somebody's
front yard.

483
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:15,772
Good for you, good for you.

484
00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:17,992
Yeah, girls are gonna be
real happy you found it.

485
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:18,993
Yeah.

486
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,126
[forced chuckle]

487
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:22,258
See you back
at the... yeah.

488
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,000
Hey, Phil.

489
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,307
[sighs]

490
00:17:27,349 --> 00:17:28,743
If you don't mind,

491
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,745
I'm gonna tell the girls
you found the cow.

492
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,182
What?

493
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,663
I feel bad about the way
Melissa came down on you,

494
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,752
and I think it's the
right thing to do.

495
00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:40,450
Wow.

496
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:43,627
Why would you want to do
something like that for me?

497
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,717
You really don't
know, do you?

498
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,806
Know what?

499
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:51,157
Phil...

500
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,289
you've done so
much for me.

501
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,813
I mean, if it wasn't for those
"Alive in Tucson" billboards,

502
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,511
I wouldn't even
be here right now.

503
00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:01,993
But because I am, I'm with
the woman of my dreams.

504
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:04,692
I've got two great
friends in you and Carol.

505
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,129
I've got a cow that's
gonna make me milkshakes.

506
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,523
I'm just so
happy right now.

507
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,526
That's all because of you, man.

508
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,223
[chuckles softly]

509
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:19,272
Thanks, Todd. I mean...

510
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,970
I don't think I could possibly
take credit for finding that...

511
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:23,145
I found the cow!

512
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,320
Yes!

513
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,497
TODD and MELISSA:
Mmm.

514
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:28,933
[both moan]

515
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:30,413
Mmm.

516
00:18:30,457 --> 00:18:32,241
TODD: Mmm.[Melissa moans]

517
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,721
Mmm.
Mmm.

518
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,418
So good. Mmm.

519
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:36,332
[Todd moans]

520
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,421
Oh, I've heard
those sounds before.

521
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,205
Wink, wink.

522
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,250
[laughs]

523
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,558
[moans dramatically]

524
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:45,820
TODD:
Mmm.

525
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,779
Hey, sorry about
flipping out earlier, Phil.

526
00:18:48,823 --> 00:18:50,999
Good job finding the cow.

527
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:53,567
Mm, guess I just got lucky.

528
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,569
[chuckles]

529
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,225
Mmm!

530
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,400
That is good.

531
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:03,011
Wait, I thought you were
lactose intolerant.

532
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,623
It's my cheat day.

533
00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:10,236
[Carol moans dramatically]

534
00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:16,111
[Carol screaming in distance]

535
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:19,636
You guys hear that?

536
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,029
Yeah.

537
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,291
Ow! Damn it.

538
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:23,466
Carol?

539
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:25,425
[laughing]

540
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:26,904
Oh, my God!

541
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,254
This is priceless.

542
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,256
[moos]
So classic.

543
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:32,214
And remember, Todd said these
things don't go down stairs.

544
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,260
So this thing's
in here forever.

545
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:36,000
[laughs]
Burn.

546
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:38,002
I think the burn's
more on you, Phil.

547
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:39,352
What? How so?

548
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,354
I'm not bunking down with a cow.

549
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:42,877
Big news, everyone.

550
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,619
I'm finally moving in
with my husband.

551
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,490
Burn.No, but-but...

552
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,057
Uh... [stammers]

553
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,798
And just think,
this could have all been avoided

554
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:53,366
if you'd fixed my gol-dang door.

555
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,063
[Carol laughing]

556
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:05,378
Isn't this great?

557
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:08,642
The best.

558
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:11,688
So what exactly happened again
with the cow?

559
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,821
It was a double
clove hitch knot.

560
00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:15,388
I don't know.

561
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:19,130
It's one of those
freak happenings, you know?

562
00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:23,091
Here, I'll tell you
exactly how it went down.

563
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,962
I couldn't sleep.

564
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:27,835
So I went downstairs,
and I got myself a snack.

565
00:20:27,878 --> 00:20:30,533
And then I went
to the living room,

566
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,927
and I reread aTwilight.

567
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:35,625
Then I did some knitting.

568
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,759
Then I got drowsy,
so I walked back upstairs,

569
00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:42,328
and I got into bed,
and then I fell asleep.

570
00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:45,244
And I woke up, and there was
a cow in my face. [screams]

571
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:49,770
And that's exactly
what happened.

572
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,293
Really?

573
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:54,557
Hey, it all worked out
for the best, right?

574
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,081
Yep.

575
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,649
Good night,
Mr. President.
Good night.

576
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:02,217
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

577
00:21:36,077 --> 00:21:37,339
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

578
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,254
[horn honking]