1
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,337
Previously,
on The Last Man on Earth...

2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,473
If I'm so bad, then why
do you want to live with me?

3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,474
Because I'm your wife!

4
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,242
I wish I could have a do-over.

5
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,478
Oh, my God!

6
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,579
You're all alone out here?

7
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,713
Yes.

8
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,082
(Gail and Erica scream happily)

9
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,916
Phil?
Wait. You know Phil?

10
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:16,717
Phil's my husband.

11
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,919
Surprise!

12
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,722
You guys don't understand.

13
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,991
This was gonna be
an awesome joke.

14
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,494
I just can't believe you
didn't tell us there
were other people.

15
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,828
Yeah, that's,
like, the one thing

16
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,530
that's important in this world.

17
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,932
Yeah, and all for what,
just so you can get laid?

18
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:34,668
No. Because I had
this awesome idea for a prank.

19
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,604
And I had it perfectly lined up.

20
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,572
I mean, I had you guys thinking

21
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,740
that I was
going out camping,

22
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,242
and I had you guys thinking

23
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,510
these guys didn't exist.

24
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,212
That's called the perfect storm.

25
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,914
So, there we are,
about to go skinny-dipping...
You were gonna

26
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:48,249
go skinny-dipping?!

27
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,351
(scoffs)
As if I would ever do that.

28
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,386
I-I am married to you, Carol.

29
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,355
You told us
Carol was dead.

30
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,023
What?! What?!
Oh, my God!
Phil.

31
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,691
No, a-a different Carol.

32
00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,861
Carol, I was, uh, married
to this other woman named Carol

33
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,896
before the virus.
You told me

34
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,031
you were single.

35
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:06,134
Yeah, I was--
before I got married

36
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,768
to that, uh, Carol.

37
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,304
And, uh, she died in that, uh,

38
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,640
tragic... snowmobiling accident.

39
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,375
(quietly):
Sorry. I miss you.

40
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,943
You're disgusting.

41
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,777
Disgustingly good at pranks!

42
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:20,548
God, you know, before I go on,
can I just say,

43
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,283
this is really disrespectful
to Carol.

44
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,884
The other Carol.
The late Carol.

45
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,120
Uh, but, you know,
back to this prank.

46
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:29,157
So, you know, God, it was
gonna be such a great one,

47
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,058
a-and then you guys all
just ruined it.

48
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,127
I feel so bad for you--
you missed out

49
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,395
on this wonderful thing.

50
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,596
I mean, see,
I was gonna...

51
00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:36,729
I was gonna, uh...

52
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:37,997
(stammering)

53
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,567
...uh, uh...

54
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,768
What...

55
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,069
what was gonna happen was,

56
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,071
when we got out
to those hot springs,

57
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,241
I was gonna say, "Hey, wait...
I need my bathing suit."

58
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,977
Then I was gonna lead you
back to our cul-de-sac,

59
00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:51,279
introduce you
to all these people

60
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,447
who mean the most to me
in the world.

61
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,848
'Cause you do--
have I ever told you guys that?

62
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,418
I wish I told you more.

63
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,819
Yeah.
CAROL: Phil...

64
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,621
Stop talking.

65
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:01,655
No! No, wait!

66
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,257
Because it feels to me

67
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,526
like you guys still think
this wasn't a prank.

68
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,994
And that's...

69
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:07,995
that's not acceptable.

70
00:02:08,027 --> 00:02:09,530
That's where I draw the line.

71
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:11,865
Still think
he's a good guy?

72
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,000
(sighs)

73
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,268
PHIL: Todd,
come on, bud.

74
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,637
There's got to be
some explanation here!

75
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,539
I-I mean,
there is an explanation.

76
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,541
The... you know,
that, uh, prank thing.

77
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:21,841
MELISSA:
Way to go, Phil.

78
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,110
He actually really liked you.

79
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,878
I don't know why, but he did.

80
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,848
You guys can follow us
to the cul-de-sac--
that's where we live.

81
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,650
Because we exist!

82
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,652
I...

83
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,726
It was a prank.

84
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,127
Carol...

85
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,529
wait...

86
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,664
What, you're just
gonna leave me here?

87
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,366
Wha...?

88
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,502
What...?

89
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,913
*

90
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,299
*

91
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,084
(laughter)

92
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,418
This is amazing.

93
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,921
I can't believe
you guys have a cow!

94
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,923
And Gail's a chef,

95
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,059
so this is, like...
Oh, hon, the things
I can make with this.

96
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,061
My mind is
literally spinning.

97
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,196
Crème brûlée,

98
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:51,365
dulce de leche...

99
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,801
Good morning.

100
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:59,707
I just came here
to get some, uh... java...

101
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,275
little milk.

102
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:08,248
These guys give you
the tour? Huh?

103
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,451
Show you around?

104
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,255
I'll take that as a yes or no.

105
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,931
Hey... anybody
seen Carol anywhere?

106
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,402
(sighs)

107
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,938
How long am I gonna be
in the doghouse here?

108
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,773
It was a prank.

109
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,676
Okay. I get it.

110
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,678
You're giving me
the silent treatment.

111
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,246
Very mature.

112
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,848
Well, guess what.
I can silent-treatment

113
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,249
with the best of 'em, huh?

114
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,884
You want to do this?
Let's go.

115
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,918
Boom! Silent treatment!

116
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,389
It was a prank.

117
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,626
(Phil exhales)

118
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,928
PHIL (calls):
Carol?

119
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,566
Carol?

120
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,469
(sighs)

121
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,471
(quietly):
Carol.
What?

122
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,306
Oh, there you are.

123
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,841
Hey, I really need
to talk to you.

124
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,175
Fine.

125
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,977
Let's talk.

126
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:47,080
(eerie moaning)

127
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,217
(continues eerie moaning)

128
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,652
I'm not quite... understanding

129
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,220
what you're...
what you're doing there.

130
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,022
Isn't that how ghosts talk?

131
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,023
Carol...

132
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,024
Well, I'm dead, right?

133
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,392
Isn't that what you told them?

134
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,594
Can I please explain?

135
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,162
I think it's pretty
cut-and-dry, Phil.

136
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,164
You told me
you were going camping,

137
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,000
and then you went out
skinny-dipping with two hussies.

138
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,669
But I didn't do anything!

139
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,170
Bologna on rye, Phil!

140
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,006
No! Truth meat on honesty bread!

141
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,077
You are nothing but a sewer rat,
you dumb donkey.

142
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,879
Just cattin' around

143
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:22,082
like the cock of the walk.
Well, guess what, you skunk.

144
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,518
You just sprayed
the wrong dog.

145
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,353
Now, get out.

146
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,422
Carol, this is my house.

147
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,691
Skunks don't live in houses.

148
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,960
And this one's
haunted, anyways.

149
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,596
(sighs)

150
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,332
Get out!

151
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,909
(sighs)

152
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:03,657
Thanks for letting me
stay here, guys.

153
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,392
It's nice to feel welcome
somewhere.

154
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,628
And don't worry,
I won't be here long.

155
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:08,929
This is temporary.

156
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,064
They're gonna
come looking for me.

157
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,232
You know, this'll be good.

158
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,101
You know, this is
a nice change of pace.

159
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,936
I could use a break from people.

160
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,771
Yeah, with all their,
"Oh, Phil, do this,

161
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,908
do that, you're a jerk...
(jabbering)."

162
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,577
Oh, no, this is good,
this is nice.

163
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,946
Solitude, loneliness, friends.

164
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,649
And this pool table
makes a fine bed. Yeah.

165
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,419
You know, it's firm, no give--
which is great for the back.

166
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,587
Oh, yeah.

167
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:36,757
Beds are overrated.

168
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,592
(exhales)

169
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,427
Don't miss beds.

170
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,829
GAIL:
Knock, knock.

171
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,864
ERICA: Carol?
GAIL: Knock, knock.

172
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,966
Didn't you hear us knocking?

173
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,201
Well, we just
wanted to drop by

174
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,770
with this pecan pie

175
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,973
and say we hope
that there's no hard feelings.

176
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,342
Why would there be
any hard feelings?

177
00:07:56,308 --> 00:07:57,978
All you did was make a series

178
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,513
of quick, slut-based decisions

179
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:02,049
about sharing your body
with a man you hardly knew.

180
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,619
Carol, you know we would
never have done that stuff

181
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,821
if we'd known
Phil was married.

182
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,122
(chuckles):
Of course.

183
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,958
I don't hold it against you.

184
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,526
You had no idea.

185
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,695
And you're not
even from here.

186
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,130
In this country,
we tend to do a bit of research

187
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,633
before inviting a man
into the land down under.

188
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:23,571
Carol, I can see that
you're hurting really badly,

189
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:27,074
and I'm hoping that we just...
move past all this.

190
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,341
But in the meantime,

191
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,477
we're just gonna leave
this pie right here.

192
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,645
Oh, I can't eat that pie.

193
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,716
Uh, are you...
are you allergic to pecans?

194
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:36,717
No.

195
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,986
I just don't enjoy hussy pie.

196
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,988
You understand.

197
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,991
I don't,
but we'll be taking off now.

198
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,026
(quietly):
Yeah.

199
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,095
Okay, Gary, what's your poison?

200
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,997
Tequila sunrise, huh? Okay.

201
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,565
That's a fun choice.

202
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,501
(bottle shatters)

203
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,903
Oh. Let me try that again.

204
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,370
Just grab another bottle,
like so.

205
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,505
Try that.

206
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,673
(bottle shatters)

207
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,742
Cruise makes it look
so easy, you know?

208
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,247
Ow, that hurt.
That really hurt.

209
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,849
(mumbles)

210
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,251
They must have CGI'd
those bottles, right?

211
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,754
(bottle shatters)

212
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,422
Yeah, I'm gonna have
all these tricks down

213
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,057
by the time
they come looking for me.

214
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,726
It's gonna be
a fun surprise for them.

215
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,527
Okay, here we go. Okay.

216
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,595
Whoa!

217
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,063
(high-pitched):
I got it!

218
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,234
Hey, Carol.

219
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,236
Can we come in?
Oh, absolutely.

220
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,071
Come in.
Have a seat, you.

221
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,539
Hey, I brought you
some tea.

222
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,540
Careful, it's
really hot, okay?

223
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,610
MELISSA:
So, we heard

224
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:38,912
you talked with...
Gail and Erica.

225
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,447
We just wanted
to come over,

226
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,450
and see if you're doing okay.

227
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:44,451
I'm fine.

228
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:45,719
Why wouldn't I be?

229
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,788
Everything's fine.
Carol, that's...

230
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,224
Sorry, I tried
to warn you...

231
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,425
about...

232
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,927
(shuddering groan)

233
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,729
That's all right, Todd.

234
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,397
It's okay.

235
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,565
Everything's fine.

236
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,967
(whispers):
So...

237
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,239
Okay...

238
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,308
I see what you're doing
over there.

239
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,911
What-what are we doing?
Mm.

240
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,446
Sitting so far apart
from each other.

241
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,614
Oh, we're not... No.

242
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,416
I'm a strong woman, okay?

243
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,953
I can handle seeing two people
being affectionate.

244
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,454
Ah.
Please,

245
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,690
kiss each other.

246
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,457
(chuckles):
For me. I can take it.

247
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,093
We're just kind of
hanging out right now,

248
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,828
you know what I mean?
Carol, this is
uncomfortable.

249
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,429
You know what's comfortable

250
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,832
is this pity party
you're throwing me.

251
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,333
Okay?

252
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,368
Go ahead, kiss. Come on.

253
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:38,338
Kiss. For me, please.

254
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:41,274
Oh, come on,
you can do better than that.

255
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,275
Get into it!

256
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,811
Come on, kiss like
you used to!

257
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,445
(moaning loudly)

258
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,447
Oh, that was so fake!

259
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,149
Kiss! Come on!

260
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,517
(both moaning)

261
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:51,518
Okay, that's enough, Todd.

262
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,953
Yes, copy that.
This is...

263
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,621
I just... whoo!
This is weird.

264
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,124
Very.
Carol, what is going
on with you?

265
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,525
It's called
being just fine, Melissa.

266
00:10:58,558 --> 00:10:59,960
Maybe you should
try it some time.

267
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,128
Carol...
Now, if you don't mind,

268
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,296
I'd like to be alone.
Thank you.

269
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,699
Yeah, okay.

270
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,501
MELISSA: Okay, well,
just let us know

271
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,837
if you need anything.

272
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:15,008
They're not coming.

273
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,311
Oh, they don't care where I am

274
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,081
'cause they don't like me.

275
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,852
Which is really sad
'cause I want to go back!

276
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,088
I don't want to live
at this stupid bar...

277
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:31,558
a pool table for a bed.

278
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:34,394
(sighs)
I was wrong.

279
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,597
Beds are underrated.

280
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:40,700
And people are underrated. God.

281
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,202
Oh, but they don't like me.

282
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,838
They're not gonna talk to me.

283
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,506
(sighs)

284
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,441
Oh, I get it, I blew it.

285
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,011
I really beefed it.

286
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,780
I asked for a do-over

287
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,515
and instead I got a do-do-over.

288
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,418
Boom, I still got it.

289
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,588
(sighs)
I'm persona non grata.

290
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,791
Iced out.

291
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,894
No one wants to have
anything to do

292
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,897
with old Phil Miller.

293
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:14,201
But I mean, I am who I am.

294
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:18,939
I can't just magically change
into another person.

295
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,841
(mutters softly)

296
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,477
(knocking)

297
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,983
PHIL (deep-voiced):
Hi.

298
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,451
The name's Mike Miller.

299
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,286
I'm looking for my
twin brother, Phil.

300
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,554
Oh, my God, people!

301
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,257
It's been so long.
(stammering) Oh, God!

302
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,392
Damn it.

303
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,094
How did that not work?

304
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,333
MELISSA:
That's looking good.

305
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:47,567
TODD: Ooh! Yeah!
Oh, wow.
(others exclaiming)

306
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,136
Hey.
Good shot.

307
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,072
I just can't believe
he put on a costume.

308
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,407
(scoffs)
That's what you
can't believe?

309
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:55,775
I can't believe
he thought we would believe

310
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,110
he was his own brother.
TODD: Right?

311
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,912
What did Carol say?

312
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:01,414
Oh, she just slammed the door
right in his face.

313
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,682
Good for her,
poor thing.

314
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,918
I mean, that man is a little
tossed in the head.

315
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,954
MELISSA: Yeah, a little.
GAIL: Yeah.

316
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,655
MELISSA:
He's also a pathological liar.

317
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,357
ERICA:
Oh, what a wanker.

318
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,692
We really dodged a bullet
with that guy.

319
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,829
GAIL: Oh, good-bye and good
riddance, Phil Cormaneau.

320
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,597
MELISSA:
Cormaneau?

321
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,765
TODD:
His last name's Miller.

322
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,002
ERICA: He lied about
that, too? Why?

323
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,803
MELISSA: Why not?
GAIL: What a liar.

324
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,305
I can't believe he just lied.
TODD: What a liar.

325
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,706
MELISSA:
Take it easy.

326
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,009
TODD: Okay, I'm just
so disappointed...

327
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:33,046
PHIL:
I do not feel great right now.

328
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,615
They don't miss me at all.

329
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,450
Why are they so mad?

330
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,320
Why won't they give me
the benefit of the doubt?

331
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,655
They think I'm just some liar.

332
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,790
I am not a liar.

333
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,995
I mean, what have I ever done
that would make them think that?

334
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,465
It was a prank.
I found the cow!

335
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,500
I got the rings.

336
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,302
I'm a pretty major tennis guy.

337
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,337
Are you attracted to Melissa?
No.

338
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,838
Are you lactose intolerant?
Yes.

339
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,807
I can fix a friggin' door.
Committed to this marriage.

340
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,142
I've been very busy, Carol.

341
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,643
You're all alone out here?
Yes.

342
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,644
Must've been a raccoon.

343
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,712
I used to have a VW Bug.

344
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,147
I have diarrhea.
Big Shankhead here.

345
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,548
Cormaneau.
I'm a nice person.

346
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,217
The name's Mike Miller.
Balls are clean.

347
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,484
(gasps)

348
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,386
I am a liar.

349
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,422
(laughing)

350
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:18,892
(Todd sighs)

351
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:19,993
Oh, look who it is,

352
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,194
everybody.

353
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,329
Mike Miller.

354
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,997
Or is it Mike Cormaneau?

355
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,332
(sighs)

356
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,566
Can I talk to you guys?

357
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,667
No.

358
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,702
I'm not leaving
until I say my piece.

359
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,838
Fine, stay here.
We'll just ignore you.

360
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,340
You know what,
anybody want a refill?

361
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,741
I do.

362
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,176
TODD: Great.
Thank you very much.

363
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,510
Yeah, don't mind me.
TODD:
You're welcome.

364
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:38,845
I'll just be here, uh,
doing this.

365
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,514
(high-pitched yell)

366
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,752
(continues yelling)

367
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,754
I'll just keep screaming
until you talk to me.

368
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:50,523
(high-pitched yell)

369
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,925
(continues yelling)

370
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,693
MELISSA:
Phil.

371
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,128
Can't you get it through
your little perm?

372
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,529
We don't want to talk to you.

373
00:14:56,563 --> 00:15:01,168
No, Melissa, let's just over
with which to get this.

374
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,405
Are you guys ready
for a bombshell?

375
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:10,043
When I was gonna go skinny-
dipping with Gail and Erica...

376
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,844
that wasn't a prank.

377
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:16,416
That was a very real effort
to swim naked with women.

378
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,620
Moving on. Melissa.

379
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,991
I did not want to have sex
with you

380
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:26,259
solely for the purpose
of repopulation.

381
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,062
I wanted to have sex with you

382
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,930
because you're
a friggin' smoke show.

383
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,435
Todd...

384
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,770
I did not cowrite
"Fields of Gold."

385
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,873
The only person who wrote
that song was Sting.

386
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,944
And finally, Carol.

387
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,516
I can't even begin
to count the ways

388
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,784
that I've been dishonest
with you.

389
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,087
But let me start with this:

390
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,623
We should have never
gotten married.

391
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,793
When I said "I do,"

392
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,262
it was a lie,

393
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,963
'cause I didn't.

394
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,336
And I know I've hurt you...

395
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,738
and I'm really, really sorry.

396
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,543
Look, I don't expect this
to change the way

397
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,978
that any of you guys
feel about me,

398
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:22,682
but I'd rather be an honest
person with no friends

399
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:26,153
than live one more day
as a liar, so...

400
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,822
Smell ya never.

401
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,661
Excuse me.

402
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,599
(sighs)

403
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:45,172
I knew he didn't write
"Fields of Gold."

404
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,519
(sighs)

405
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,157
PHIL:
So I, you know,

406
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,926
I said my piece and, uh...

407
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,563
did not get a lot
of traction there,

408
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,232
but, uh, I feel good.

409
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,001
I-I feel...
I did the right thing.

410
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,935
I mean,
it's-it's what I had to do.

411
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,239
Um...
CAROL:
Phil?

412
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:24,211
Phil, are you talking to balls
with faces drawn on them?

413
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:27,180
Y-Yes.

414
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,581
I am.

415
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,750
Okay.

416
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:34,387
Well, I guess
they can hear this, too.

417
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,523
I have a few things to say.

418
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,259
If you have any questions,
comments or applause,

419
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,727
just save it until I'm done.

420
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,363
I don't think applause
will apply,

421
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,865
but just hold it till the end.

422
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,601
Okay.
Phil, what did I just ask?

423
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,237
Sorry.
Phil!

424
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,282
Phil, what do you think
about this quilt?

425
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,455
'Cause you know what I think?

426
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:11,158
I think it's U-G-L-Y,

427
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,293
this quilt ain't got no alibi.

428
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,561
It's ugly.

429
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,895
(stomps feet rhythmically)

430
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,630
It's ugly.

431
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,432
Do you see where I'm going
with this?

432
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,602
You can talk.

433
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:25,738
Respectfully, I-I have no clue.

434
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:29,242
Phil, sometimes, in quilting,

435
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:32,111
you just don't have
the right scraps.

436
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:35,648
And no matter how much effort
you put in,

437
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,984
you make a quilt
that looks like this.

438
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:40,420
I will agree that it's ugly.

439
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,422
And you worked so hard on it

440
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,258
and you trick yourself
into thinking it's beautiful

441
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:49,462
and you display it proudly
in the entryway on your divan.

442
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,600
And then your friend Barbara
comes over a few days later,

443
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,668
and she tells you that
she thinks it's best

444
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:58,305
if you fold it up
and put it in the closet.

445
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,473
You see what I'm saying now?

446
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:05,478
Barbara's a pretty mean person
and tells it like it is and...

447
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,347
Right? Yes?

448
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,651
I think it's time we put
this quilt in the closet.

449
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,825
So, here.

450
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,165
Divorce papers?

451
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,635
They're official. I'm a notary.

452
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,670
Are you sure about this?

453
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,539
Yeah, Phil.

454
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,574
You're better off without me.

455
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,643
I'm better off without you.

456
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,179
I just want you to be happy.

457
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:44,651
Well, I just want you
to be happy.

458
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,185
Then sign.

459
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,560
There.

460
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:54,761
And there.

461
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,664
Uh-huh.

462
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,666
And... ooh, Social
Security, right there.

463
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,668
This is fun to
notarize again.

464
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:05,405
(laughs): Oh, man, once
you break the seal...

465
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,240
It's a notary joke.

466
00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:08,741
I wish Glen were here.

467
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,377
He would've gotten a
kick out of that one.

468
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,348
It's official.

469
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,518
It's official.

470
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,886
Friends?

471
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,089
Friends.

472
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,925
Ah, get in here.

473
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,649
Well, see you back
at the cul-de-sac.

474
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,584
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

475
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,727
So, that's my ex-wife.

476
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,961
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

477
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,497
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

478
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,998
(horn honking)