1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,304 Previously on The Last Man on Earth... 2 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,573 ERICA: Another painless birth, huh? 3 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:08,642 CAROL: Would you believe it was even easier than the first one? 4 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:11,679 Melissa, I don't need kids to be happy. All I need is you. 5 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,347 -You are the snake? -PANCHO: I thought you knew. 6 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:14,982 You were going to let me hit the piñata. 7 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,251 HECTOR: The bomb is not in the piñata. 8 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,719 PANCHO: Then where is it? 9 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,857 (women speaking baby talk) 10 00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:26,727 (indistinct talking) 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,829 Guys. Guys. 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,364 I did it. 13 00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:35,369 * 14 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,005 (high-pitched): Boop. 15 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,242 (laughs) I finished a whole side. 16 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,744 Guys, come on, look at how smart I am. 17 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,213 Guys? 18 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,381 Tandy, I have a question-- if you're so smart, 19 00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,217 why are you calling us "guys"? 20 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,018 Yeah, it's just what you say when you want 21 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,586 to get a bunch of people's attention. 22 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,256 Yeah, but we're all women-- and now with the twins and Dawn, 23 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,191 there's seven ladies and only three men. 24 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,093 I mean, we more than double you. 25 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:02,029 Don't you think calling us "guys" is a little sexist? 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,198 (chuckles): Uh, I can't be sexist. 27 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:07,768 Okay? I am a father of two baby women. 28 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,404 I mean, I think girls are so nice I made 'em twice. 29 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,906 -Whatever, Tandy. -What? Uh, no, seriously, 30 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,542 I am super pro-lady. 31 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,244 I wouldn't lie to you guys. 32 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,146 -Tandy! -There it is. -Sexist pig. 33 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,414 No, no, no, no, no. You're absolutely right. 34 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,483 We are living in a brave new world, 35 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,786 where there are more hot dog buns than hot dogs. 36 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,955 So if I have offended you guys at all... 37 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,757 -WOMEN: Tandy! -Oh, I did it again! 38 00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:32,393 That... I... that was my bad. 39 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,928 Look, this is a problem, okay? 40 00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:37,664 And it will not stand. 41 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:40,168 (huffing breaths) 42 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,937 How about this? 43 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,906 From now on, 44 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,609 anytime we would normally say "guys," 45 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,811 we'll say "gals" instead. 46 00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,246 This'll last a day. 47 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,981 Uh, no, uh, no, it won't. 48 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:56,850 Huh? This is gonna last a lifetime. Yeah. 49 00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:59,687 Hey, got an ultra-serious question for you. 50 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,323 What's got two thumbs 51 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,193 and a deep respect for gender equality? 52 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,461 This gal. 53 00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:11,199 This gal. 54 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,201 That's not gonna get annoying at all. 55 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,302 Hey, Gail? 56 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,669 Gail? Gail? 57 00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,037 Yeah, on that, 58 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,940 we're in total agree-woment. 59 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,809 Agree-men-t? 60 00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:22,843 Nah. 61 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,346 Agreewomen-t. 62 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,215 Yeah, that's my current jam. 63 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,251 And I look forward to spreading it on all your bread. 64 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,655 Idiot. 65 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,793 (Todd speaking baby talk) 66 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:43,297 (speaks baby talk, giggles) 67 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,366 How's our little cutie muffin? 68 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,668 Well, she's warm 69 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,136 and she's toasty, 70 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:52,039 but I'm afraid she might have too many blueberries. 71 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,707 Hmm? Maybe I should eat a few. 72 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,042 Let me see that. Mm. 73 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,478 -(mock gobbling) -Um, Todd? 74 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,647 -(grunting) -Todd. 75 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,215 Uh? 76 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:03,584 -It's time for me to feed her. -Oh. 77 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,185 -Uh... yeah. -Yeah. 78 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:07,054 -Okay, sure. -Thanks. 79 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,055 Thank you. 80 00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,757 You got her? Okay. 81 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,327 Geez, y-you see that? 82 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,829 I mean, she just swooped in and took her. 83 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,030 It was a little rude. 84 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,866 Well, don't you go play with the twins? 85 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,834 Well, they're sleeping, so I guess I'm on my own. 86 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,503 Look, you want a play date so bad, 87 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,539 there's an obvious solution right under your nose. 88 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,709 TODD: Jasper? 89 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,344 Well, it's kind of a perfect match. 90 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,513 You want to hang out with kids, he has no parents. 91 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,682 Yeah, I know. I'm just... 92 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,918 I'm not sure he'd want to hang out with me. 93 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,420 Have you asked him? 94 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,055 Mm, no. 95 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,526 -I'll just go ask him for you. -No. 96 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,095 Okay? I'll do it. Just not here, all right? 97 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,497 Geez. 98 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,733 I'm gonna put on a different shirt. 99 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,105 Mom. Thank gollness. 100 00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,374 Can you help me with the twins? 101 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,209 Mike needs to be fed, 102 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,378 and Bezequille doesn't like to watch. 103 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,813 Where's Tandy? 104 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,114 Well, he's busy. 105 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,616 He's changing all the manatee art 106 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,384 to woman-atee art. 107 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,754 This house has a surprising amount of manatee art. 108 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,489 All right, yeah, give me the little rug rat. 109 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,124 (Carol groans) 110 00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:21,495 Oh, Mom, I do not know what I would do without you. 111 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:22,563 (groans) 112 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,398 Raising one baby is a challenge, 113 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,934 but two is a full-time sport. 114 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,470 I am coach, 115 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,272 quarterback-- whew!-- 116 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:34,575 and the water cooler. 117 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,577 Okay, but I can only do it for a little while, 118 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,245 'cause I promised Erica I'd watch Dawn 119 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,580 while she takes a bath. 120 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,114 Oh. 121 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,582 I see. 122 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,784 -What? -Nothing. 123 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,252 I just think it's interesting 124 00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:47,087 that you have all this time for Dawn, 125 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,522 but you don't have any time 126 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,991 for your actual, legal grandchildren. 127 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,460 Are we really gonna go there? 128 00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:55,128 Bezequille and Mike are your notarized flesh and blood. 129 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,432 And Dawn is just some itinerant baby 130 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,968 of a woman you're currently dating. 131 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:04,137 Erica is not just some woman I'm dating. 132 00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,773 Okay, we're not married, 133 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,275 but we're in a committed relationship. 134 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,977 (scoffs): Okay, if you say so. 135 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,345 How dare you. 136 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,714 Erica and I were doing the female hunka-chunka 137 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,984 -before we even knew y'all were alive. -Fine. 138 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,487 Have it your way. I'll just tell the twins 139 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,189 their grandma ditched them for some stranger-baby. 140 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,826 Don't you listen to her. 141 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,328 Jasper? 142 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,633 Knock-knock. (chuckles) 143 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,668 Who's there? I'm just kidding. 144 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,036 Jasper? 145 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,505 Hey, hey, bud. 146 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:40,207 Oh, look at you. 147 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,376 Set up a little bachelor pad. 148 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:43,744 That's cool. 149 00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,212 (video game characters shouting, weapons firing) 150 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,314 Uh, killing Nazis, huh? 151 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,650 Yeah. Don't have any problem with that, no, sir. 152 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,351 Even the ones just following orders. 153 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,754 You know, you got to be held accountable for your actions. 154 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,023 (faintly): Stupid. 155 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,326 I was wondering, 156 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,328 uh, if you're not doing anything, 157 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,497 uh, you-you-you, um... 158 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,499 you want to hang out or something? 159 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,334 I mean, 'cause you could totally say no. 160 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,336 I mean, why would you wanna... 161 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,506 (like old man): hang out with an old guy like me? 162 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,007 Come on, bud, five minutes. 163 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,576 Just, you know, four. 164 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,244 May-Maybe-maybe two. 165 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,914 Right on. 166 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,616 Whatever. 167 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,186 Hey. Thanks for watching Dawn. 168 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,688 Of course. 169 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,257 I should warn you that Carol 170 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,860 was not too thrilled about me being pulled away. 171 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,361 Oh, God. What now? 172 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,196 She's just mad because she thinks 173 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,533 I spend more time with Dawn than with the twins. 174 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,068 Well, you're Dawn's mom, too. 175 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,070 Oh, not according to Carol. 176 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:46,206 She's giving me grief on account of us not being married. 177 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,207 -Oh! -You know Carol. I mean, 178 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,643 she won't go to the bathroom 179 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,212 unless she's got a certified dumping permit. 180 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,280 Yeah. 181 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,582 (laughs) 182 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,552 (chuckles): What? 183 00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:01,789 I was just thinking about us as a married couple. 184 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,724 (laughs) 185 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,826 What's so funny about that? 186 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:09,229 I mean, can you imagine us getting all gussied up 187 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:13,133 and declaring our love to the world like a couple of chumps? 188 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,602 (laughs) 189 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,505 Yeah, wouldn't that be horrible? 190 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,041 What? Did I say s... 191 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,311 (groans) 192 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:25,846 Women. 193 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,151 GAIL: Okay, hon, look, 194 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,453 I'm sorry-- I didn't mean it that way. 195 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,122 -Sure. -I mean, 196 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,758 it's not that I wouldn't want to be married to you, 197 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,327 I just don't want to be married to anybody. 198 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,663 It's a flawed institution. 199 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,532 It's like bread bowls 200 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:48,034 or... the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 201 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,470 You already made your point, so could we just drop it? 202 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:53,641 I mean, we live together, we're raising a kid together. 203 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,808 It's like we're already married. 204 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:59,479 The only thing we don't have is just some stupid piece of paper. 205 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:02,149 Yeah, stupid piece of paper... 206 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,218 that says you'll always be there even if the other person 207 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:08,989 gets sick or they get fat or they... drool in their sleep, 208 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,358 because you can't imagine your life without them. 209 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,061 (groans): Oh, God. All right. 210 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:20,067 If getting married is really something that you want to do, 211 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,470 then... I'll bite the bullet. 212 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:27,340 Wow. With a proposal like that, how could I say no? 213 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,744 * 214 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,547 Whoa! Oops. 215 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,482 Must be a hole in my glove. 216 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,751 Oh! Uh-oh, worm burner! (chuckles) 217 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,587 Hey, you know, truth be told, 218 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,222 I never even played catch-- it's just something 219 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:46,694 I saw all my friends do with their dads, and... 220 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,563 Well, my dad was a little checked out, so... 221 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:51,531 I taught myself how to play catch, 222 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,533 how to ride a bike, you know? 223 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,503 Um... even taught myself how to shave. 224 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,405 What's to shave? 225 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,908 Oh, you don't know about shaving? 226 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,611 Ah, bud, learning to shave is... 227 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,245 like a rite of passage. 228 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,881 It'd be my honor to guide you through it. 229 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,917 Here, give me that. 230 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,786 Go long. (chuckles) 231 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,822 No. Not that long, bud. 232 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,094 Thanks again, Melissa. 233 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,562 Gail said she was gonna help, 234 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,633 but apparently, she has more important babies to tend to. 235 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,100 It's no problem. 236 00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:30,537 Hey, gals. Uh, just burned some dirty diapers on the lawn. 237 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,572 Woman, oh, woman, is it hot out! 238 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,074 Yeah, plus all the pollen. 239 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,309 Think I might have to go take a anti-her-stimine. 240 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,646 Wow, you're really doubling down on all this crap. 241 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,748 (chuckles): Yeah. If by "crap," you mean 242 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:43,450 smashing the patriarchy and being a full-on gender-friender, 243 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,253 then yes, I'm 100% full of crap. 244 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,921 CAROL: You know, Tandy, 245 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,223 there's more to being a feminist than just talk. 246 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,726 Yeah, and you can't just change a bunch of words around 247 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,162 and think you're the next... Betty Friedan. 248 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,231 Uh, don't know who that is, but I think I get the point. 249 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,802 Which is why I am entering phase two of what I'm calling 250 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,971 my "Sex Change Operation." 251 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:08,141 'Cause well-behaved Tandies seldom make herstory. 252 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,611 TODD: That's it. 253 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,114 Nice, even strokes. 254 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,583 Just go with the grain, bud. 255 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,686 Again, this is not the normal shave area, 256 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,754 but for our purposes, this makes the most sense. 257 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,490 You know, because you don't have any hair on your face, and... 258 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,125 Melissa likes my mustache 259 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,194 for reasons I'll explain to you someday. 260 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,698 You're never gonna forget this, bud. 261 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,499 We share a sacred bond now. 262 00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:33,767 Shave brothers. 263 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:37,805 Or, shave father and son, if, you know... 264 00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,306 -What? -Nothing. 265 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,473 (clears throat) Nothing. 266 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,942 Just, uh, shave brothers. 267 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,276 (laughing): Yeah. 268 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,544 Yep. 269 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,314 Hey, you ever learn how to tie a tie? 270 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,382 (Dawn crying) 271 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,154 I'll get her. 272 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,189 You sleep. 273 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,263 Shh. 274 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,100 -(Dawn quiets) -Yeah... 275 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,038 (sighs) 276 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:31,725 Vagina-doodle-doo! 277 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:35,095 Rise and shine, everyone! 278 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:38,398 What a beautiful daughter-rise. 279 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,400 (chuckles softly) 280 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,237 GAIL: Now, listen here. 281 00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:48,008 In my experience, marriage has never been about love. 282 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,610 It's about doing what other people expect of you. 283 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,579 The first time I got married 284 00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,748 is 'cause I thought I was pregnant. 285 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,350 The second time was because I was pregnant. 286 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,052 And the third time 287 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,889 was because a wife can't testify against a husband in court. 288 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,724 It's a long story. Now, I got Carol 289 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:08,595 giving me a hard time every time I hang out with you and Dawn. 290 00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,898 But for God's sakes, I don't want to marry you 291 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,800 just because Carol told me to. 292 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,202 I can do whatever the hell I want to do. 293 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,205 And right now... 294 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,207 (sighs) 295 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,777 ...that is marrying you. 296 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,245 (exhales) 297 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:28,715 Gail, is this really what you want? 298 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,751 More than anything in the whole, wide world. 299 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,253 (chuckles softly) 300 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,490 GAIL: Hmm. 301 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,592 Then yes. 302 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,795 (both laugh softly) 303 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,436 TANDY: Ladies and gentlewomen, 304 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,971 we are gathered here today 305 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:54,141 to bring two souls together in holy matrimony. 306 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:58,078 I want to be clear: this is not a gay wedding. 307 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,513 Because now, we're living in a world 308 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,483 in which men and women don't exist. 309 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,485 Which means gay doesn't, either. 310 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:08,155 So, this is just a regular wedding. 311 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,322 (soft laughter) 312 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,624 -But it's still special. -Mm. 313 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,760 Because it's the hottest type of regular wedding, 314 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,197 with two smoking hot people 315 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:20,934 about to make a very public display of affection. 316 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,603 I feel like Bill Clinton right now. 317 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:27,207 A simple man between two legendary Bushes. 318 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,142 One of them a little older. 319 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,443 (Erica groans) 320 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,945 Now, at a certain point, I'm gonna ask 321 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,014 these two ladies to kiss. 322 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,016 A display that once would have been considered 323 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,018 "Too Hot for TV." 324 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:41,121 Uh, and, heck, I'll admit: I was part of the problem. 325 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:45,492 I used to titter when I would watch Gail and Erica kiss. 326 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,828 But now, I just watch. 327 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,230 (chuckles softly) 328 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,966 How far we've come. 329 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,902 -(exhales) -TANDY: What a glorious couple. 330 00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,004 What they lack in interconnecting parts, 331 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,006 they make up for in love. 332 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,808 As they scissor through the chains of ignorance... 333 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,043 Tandy. 334 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,045 Strap on, it's gonna be a wild ride. 335 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,679 -Tandy! -Tandy! 336 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,482 Just skip over anything about us being gay. 337 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,818 (chuckles) I couldn't have said it better. 338 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,821 Look, this is not just a marriage. 339 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,823 This is the union of three souls: 340 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,659 Erica, Gail and Dawn. 341 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,063 The three of you will form an unbreakable bond 342 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,932 that nobody can penetrate. 343 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,167 Bears repeating: 344 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,837 this will be a union without penetration. 345 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,273 Well, here goes nothing, huh? 346 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,842 Do you, Gail Klosterwoman, 347 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,511 take Erica to be your lawfully wedded wife? 348 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,547 I do. 349 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,550 And do you, Erica... 350 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,717 Wait a minute. 351 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:45,919 What's your last name? 352 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,721 (quietly): Dundee. 353 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:49,856 (Erica clears throat) 354 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:50,890 What? 355 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,926 It's Dundee. 356 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,728 (laughs) Wait a minute... (stammers) 357 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:59,732 So, you are from Australia, and your last name is Dundee? 358 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:00,934 -Tandy, please. -(laughs) 359 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:02,469 So, this-this whole time... 360 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,538 Tandy! 361 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,376 Out of respect for your love, I will put a pin in this. 362 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,543 Okay. 363 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,981 So, do you, Erica Dundee-- 364 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,716 like Crocodile Dundee from the movie-- 365 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,786 take Gail Klosterwoman to be your... 366 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:22,289 (Australian accent): "That's not a wife, this is a wife?" 367 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,823 -I do. -Then, by the power 368 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,392 invested in me, 369 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,328 I now pronounce you regular married. 370 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,897 You may kiss as deep and hard as you want to. 371 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:31,731 (applause) 372 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:35,002 (Todd laughing) 373 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,636 (Todd whoops) 374 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,405 (soft laughter) 375 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,007 TANDY: Now, 376 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,075 to end decades of male oppression, 377 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:45,512 and usher in a new era of gender equality, 378 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,982 I will break through the symbolic glass ceiling 379 00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:51,751 by shattering this actual glass ceiling. 380 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,420 -(shouts) -What the hell? 381 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,721 -ERICA: No! No! -GAIL: Go! Go! -TODD: Tandy, Tandy... 382 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,858 Huzzah. 383 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,997 Everyone, please gather 'round 384 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:07,367 as Gail and Erica have their first dance. 385 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,002 Great. 386 00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,637 Now, the bride and bride 387 00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:14,507 have chosen the song "At Last" by Etta James, 388 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,009 which would have been pretty good, 389 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,278 but I opted to pull an audible 390 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,213 in favor of a different song, uh, 391 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:24,051 an unambiguous celebration of the female spirit. 392 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,618 The sort of thing you'd find 393 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,121 in the record collection of Miss Gloria Steinem. 394 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,456 Steinem? 395 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,790 I hardly knew her. 396 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,825 -(groaning) -TANDY: Without further ado, 397 00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,161 the first dance. 398 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,363 (playing gentle melody) 399 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:46,906 * Girls, girls, girls * 400 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:50,977 * Long legs and burgundy lips * 401 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,680 * Girls, girls, girls * 402 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:59,352 * Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip * 403 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,422 * Girls, girls, girls * 404 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,157 * Life-lasting friendships * 405 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,160 * Wonderful people * 406 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:11,098 * Girls, girls, girls * 407 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,700 * Lots of names like Jennifer... * 408 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,403 Hey, bud, why aren't you wearing the suit we picked out? 409 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:18,371 I thought we were gonna dress up like twinsies. 410 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,540 I wore this instead. 411 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,510 Yeah, well, I would've appreciated a little heads-up. 412 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,744 I mean, I look like an idiot up there, bud. 413 00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,381 Okay. 414 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:31,218 Hey! Don't you walk away from me. 415 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:34,554 I am talking to you, young man. 416 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,257 (Tandy singing in distance) 417 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,292 * Yeah, ooh. * 418 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,194 Thank you so much. 419 00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,062 Uh, for my next number, I'm gonna... 420 00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,297 -GAIL: Uh-- oh. -(glass clinking) 421 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,035 CAROL: I'd like to say something. 422 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,970 Mom, you're married. 423 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,739 Who saw that coming? (laughs) 424 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:57,310 You hated marriage, and yet, here we are. 425 00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,880 So, here's to Gail and Erica. 426 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,416 Now you can spend as much time as you want 427 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,884 with your stepdaughter, 428 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:08,755 and none with Mike and Bezequille. 429 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:14,227 Well said, Carol. 430 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,196 Beautiful. 431 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,335 Hey, Carol. 432 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,337 That was some toast. 433 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:28,007 Look, I'm not gonna steal your mom from you. 434 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,144 Well, you can't steal what's already yours. 435 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,246 She clearly picked you. 436 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,249 This isn't an either/or situation. 437 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,318 Gail is your mom. 438 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,820 Nothing comes between a mother and her daughter. 439 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,923 As new moms, we both know that better than anyone. 440 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,994 I guess I never really thought of it like that. 441 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,996 Besides, we got to stick together. 442 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:52,199 You're the only person who knows Gail as well as I do, 443 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:53,433 with all her little quirks. 444 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,001 Glug, glug, glug. 445 00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,169 (laughs softly) 446 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,605 Yeah, like, her accent always comes out 447 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,373 when she gets really tired. 448 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,375 Or the weird way she writes her Gs. 449 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,277 They're like little sunglasses. 450 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,613 Or how, when she's flossing, 451 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:10,350 she always gets tired and gives up after two teeth. 452 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,484 I hadn't noticed that. 453 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:12,819 You will. 454 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,954 (Carol laughs) 455 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,290 Well, thanks, Erica. 456 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,391 Hey. 457 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,627 Don't you mean "Mom"? 458 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,196 Thanks, Mom. 459 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,498 What do you say we go back in there? 460 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,171 Hey. 461 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,806 Where's your little friend? 462 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,310 Not sure. Probably off having more fun by himself. 463 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,678 What happened? 464 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,179 I came on too strong. 465 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,649 Snapped at him. 466 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,051 I think I wanted it too bad. 467 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,986 Well, I think you might have connected 468 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,055 better than you thought. 469 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,099 (chuckles softly) 470 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,174 Nice suit, bud. 471 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,343 Thanks. 472 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,279 Here, let me help you with that. 473 00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:19,852 TANDY: All right, everyone, please, 474 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,254 uh, gather 'round. 475 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,423 It's time for the mother-daughter dance. 476 00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:27,860 Well, shall we? 477 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,396 (both laugh) 478 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,664 Ooh. One second. 479 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,937 Well, for what are you waiting? 480 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,573 -(chuckles) -(guitar plays gentle melody) 481 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:48,214 * Moms, moms, moms * 482 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:52,385 * Red lips, fingertips * 483 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,755 * Daughters, daughters, daughters * 484 00:20:55,788 --> 00:21:00,327 * At the Mom House in Fort Daughterdale * 485 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,995 * Moms, moms, moms * 486 00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:07,934 * Placentas and umbilical cords * 487 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:11,638 -* Daughters, daughters, daughters * -(laughter) 488 00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:15,808 * Breastfeeding at an early age * 489 00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:18,478 * Moms, moms, moms * 490 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,480 -(applause) -CAROL: Yeah. 491 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:23,983 * Teach you lessons about tampons and stuff * 492 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,786 * Daughters, daughters, daughters * 493 00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,488 (laughing) 494 00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:31,591 * Questions about life and do, do, do * 495 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,025 * Moms... * 496 00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:34,494 CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky. 497 00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:35,995 (horn honking) 498 00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,997 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH