1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,837 Previously on The Last Man on Earth... 2 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,906 -Do you want to have a baby with Todd? -I'm sorry? 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,708 -You said no, right? -(Todd sniffles) 4 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,077 I want to have a baby with you. 5 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,911 I'm gonna be a dad. (chuckles) 6 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,157 (clears throat) Um... 7 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:26,094 so how are we... gonna do this? 8 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,997 First of all, the most important thing here is your comfort. 9 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,432 Okay, so... 10 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,502 Can I get you some water? Another pillow? Sock slippers? 11 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,903 -I'm fine. -MELISSA: What about the room temperature? 12 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,271 Is that fine for you? 13 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,507 Because I can make a fire, get you some sock slippers... 14 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,409 -Guys, I'm fine. -Back off, Melissa. 15 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,876 (singsongy): She's fine. 16 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,413 -Sorry, Todd. -(chuckles softly) 17 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,682 Just so we're clear... 18 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,952 uh, we're not talking about actually having sex. 19 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,088 No. No, no, no, no. No, no. Absolutely no. 20 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:56,224 You know, the... we're gonna approach this like a... 21 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,691 like a business transaction. 22 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,727 -Sure. Whatever. -Okay, great. 23 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,230 So-so, my, um... 24 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,298 c-company... (chuckles) 25 00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:09,437 is-is gonna, uh... uh, manually, uh, produce 26 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,973 as-as much, um... 27 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,209 uh... product 28 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:18,646 as-as it can possibly generate. 29 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,414 You know, w-without me passing out. 30 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,617 A-And then my company is going to, 31 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:28,389 mm, deliver, uh, my product 32 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:33,227 to your company's... loading zone. 33 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:36,430 And then your company is-is going to 34 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,799 just basically, uh, uh... 35 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:42,902 baste the whole store with, uh... product. 36 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,306 Yeah, could you stop calling it "product"? 37 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,840 Absolutely. 38 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,777 What... what's-what's a better word for "product," guys? 39 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,479 Uh, "yield." 40 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:52,946 -"Overhead"? -"Deliverable." 41 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,247 -"Output." -"Export"? 42 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,184 -"Download"? -"Income." -"Splutter"? 43 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,085 -CAROL: "Confetti"? -GAIL: "Bonuses"? 44 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,088 TANDY: Or "reams," like paper reams. 45 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,091 * 46 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,793 (Irish accent): Top o' the morning to ya, bud! 47 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,095 (normal voice): Nice, uh, leprechaun skirt. 48 00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,299 Healthy airflow for the old, uh, bag and pipe, huh? 49 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,267 It's nothing compared to what Erica's got to do. 50 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,170 You know, vitamins, diet, exercise, all that stuff. 51 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:18,972 So, word on the street is that you're ovulating right now. 52 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,276 (chuckles): I mean, that's not really how it works, bud. 53 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:25,279 But, yeah, um, Erica's ovulating. 54 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,281 -Erica is... Oh, okay, okay. -Mm-hmm. 55 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:30,484 Yeah. Okay. I guess I... I'm missing... 56 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,554 -Ovu... Ovulating... -Women ovulate. Men don't. 57 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,323 All right. And, uh... 58 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,292 I'm assuming you've been refraining from masturbation? 59 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,127 -Yep. -Good. I mean... 60 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,231 got to hold on to that self-abuse juice, knowasa? 61 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,333 -Huh? -Knowasa? 62 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,835 -What? -Yaknowasaa? 63 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:51,038 -I'm sorry, I can't... -Do you know what I'm saying? 64 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,173 -No, I-I don't. -No. That's what I'm saying. 65 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,841 -Oh! -"Do you know what I'm saying?" 66 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:55,843 -Oh. -Knowasa. 67 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,977 Got it. Got it. No, no. 68 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,145 And I have been holding off. 69 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,980 Oh, good, good. Why waste it in practice? 70 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,149 You got to save it for the game, knowasa? 71 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,552 (chuckles): I do now, bud. Well, I better get to it. 72 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,487 Hey, wait, wait, wait, hang on, bud. 73 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,723 'Cause Carol and I have a little surprise for you. 74 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,193 CAROL: Ooh, perfect timing. 75 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,862 -I just finished. -Well, hopefully 76 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:18,098 that's what Todd will be saying in a few short minutes from now. 77 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,400 Is that a... 78 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,935 -A masturbatorium? Yes, it is. -Worked well for us, 79 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,837 so we thought we'd pay it forward. 80 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,673 -Ah. -Let me take you through it. 81 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,441 It's no secret that we could use 82 00:03:27,475 --> 00:03:29,543 a few more gentlemen in our world, 83 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,712 so I wanted to give you something 84 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,715 to help you visualize a male result: 85 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,884 images of some of the best traits 86 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,286 that mankind has to offer. 87 00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,788 Like the genius of Albert Einstein 88 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,890 and Benjamin Franklin, 89 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:46,126 the panache of Elvis Stojko, 90 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,129 the stature of Robert Wadlow, 91 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,799 and the robust presence of William Howard Taft, 92 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,601 Grover Cleveland, 93 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,970 and Donald Trump, our three fattest presidents. 94 00:03:57,004 --> 00:04:01,108 So when you're masturbating, just picture these men. 95 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,810 Okay. Thanks, Carol. 96 00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,878 Now, in terms of lotion, 97 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,947 got a lot of options here for you. 98 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,283 But I've gone ahead and preselected 99 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,319 my personal favorite. 100 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,622 A 2012 bottle of Golsten Farm's Shea Butter. 101 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,123 Provides fluidity of motion 102 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,292 with just the right amount of purchase. 103 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,959 Goes without saying, it is paraben-free, 104 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,596 and she's got one hell of a nose on her. 105 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:25,899 Here. Get in there. Come on. 106 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,301 -Now, get in there. -Mmm. 107 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,069 -See how she opens up? -Mm-hmm. 108 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,038 Here, dance with her. 109 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,781 Yeah. That's fine. 110 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,816 Yeah, well, this is my stop. 111 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,852 Oh, sure, sure. Here. 112 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,857 -(Carol chuckling) -TANDY: Yeah. 113 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,692 O Captain! My Captain! 114 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,694 * 115 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,195 Oh. 116 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,203 Okay, Todd, well, I'll leave you to it. 117 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,172 Okay. Thanks, Carol. 118 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:11,044 Okay, now, the first thing you're gonna want to do 119 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:14,548 is to part your pubic thatch and locate your body's dong. 120 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:15,949 You got it, bud? 121 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,651 Next, you're gonna want to think 122 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,853 on some kind of alluring scenario. 123 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,790 Bad pitch: You're walking on a polar ice field, 124 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,225 and you come upon a stranded dogsled team. 125 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,661 All the dogs are dead-- natural causes-- but... 126 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:30,564 Sorry, bud. C-Could I get a little privacy? 127 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,199 Oh, yeah. You got it, bud. 128 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,967 Everybody, be quiet! 129 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,803 Todd's about to masturbate! 130 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,137 Right now! 131 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,006 -(clapping hands) -Quiet! 132 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,044 Hey, girl. 133 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,514 Oh. Hey, Melissa. What's up? 134 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,983 I just wanted to thank you. 135 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,520 -Oh. -Todd's smiling again. 136 00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,222 He's laughing. He's just... he's happy. 137 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,890 And it's all 'cause of you. 138 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,659 -Oh. -You're... 139 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,861 -just an angel. -(both chuckle) 140 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,030 -I'm not an angel. -You are! 141 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,434 You are. 142 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,235 Okay. 143 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,703 Well, thanks. 144 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,872 God, I just feel so close to you! 145 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,408 Like, we've been friends for a while now, 146 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:17,377 but I think now it's time for us to be... 147 00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,947 friends friends, you know? 148 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,282 -Yeah, I-I guess so. -'Cause, like, 149 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,017 when's the last time we just dished? 150 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,520 Or-or did, like, really silly girly stuff, 151 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,722 like lip-synched into a wooden spoon 152 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:31,592 or just, aah, got tangled up in ribbons? (chuckles) 153 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,594 Oh, I think, I think... 154 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,429 -never? -What do you say 155 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,465 we boogie down the street, get some candles, 156 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,767 burn them down, and make new candles. 157 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,769 Am I right, queen? (laughs) 158 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,403 Yeah. 159 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:45,706 You know, I think I'm just gonna... 160 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:49,209 -stay here and fold clothes. -That is so you! 161 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,044 You're so funny. God, you just... 162 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,280 you just put me in such a silly mood. 163 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:56,717 Like, I just want to, aah, like, wear a giant tie. 164 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,553 Oh. Okay. 165 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,321 Well, I'll see you later. 166 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:02,823 Yeah, you will. 167 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,157 -Okay. -Big-time. 168 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,296 -Peaches? -Peaches. 169 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,731 Five. 170 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,066 Green beans? 171 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,669 -Mm, zero. -Oh, good. Who needs them? 172 00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,938 Well, the babies, for one. 173 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:21,642 And Todd, if he's trying to produce some quality product. 174 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,344 How about you guys can divvy up my share, and in return, 175 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,014 I'll just take all y'all's rest of your chili. 176 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,817 Speaking chili, what we got? 177 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,287 Ooh, bad news on the chili front. 178 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,823 Just this one. 179 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:39,292 -Homestyle beefy with extra beef? Yes, please. -Mom. 180 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,194 -Hand it over. -Mom. Look at this gas bulge. 181 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,831 I don't think that's a good idea. 182 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,667 Carol, a big bulge has never scared off Gail Klosterman. 183 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,503 So, I'm-a take my chances. 184 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:50,971 Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting. 185 00:07:57,077 --> 00:08:01,014 You know, I'm just gonna go pick some fruit. 186 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,486 * 187 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,471 Ooh, how'd it go, bud? Did you produce? 188 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,641 Hot dang, the juice is loose! 189 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,043 Hey, give it to me. I'll go run it over to Erica. 190 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,979 Okay, but be careful. 191 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,813 Ooh, heavy. 192 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,582 Grizzle jizzy, bud. Great job. 193 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,251 Make way! Spermatozoa coming through! 194 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,287 * 195 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:48,261 Special delivery for one Ms. Erica Dundee! 196 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,397 Oh, uh, sorry, Gail. 197 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,700 Nope. I'm sorry, but I'm under strict orders 198 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,101 to bring this to Erica. 199 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,836 -Just give me the bag. -Oh, God. 200 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,938 I hate it, too, Gail. God, I hate it, 201 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,207 but, yeah, I got to follow "procotol" here. 202 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,609 Do you mean "protocol"? 203 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:03,577 People pronounce it in many ways, Gail. 204 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,878 Erica, I got your spermatozoa here! 205 00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,714 Gail! Gail! 206 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:11,051 Oh, you're such fake news! Sad! 207 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,086 (engine rumbling) 208 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,664 * 209 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,307 (groans) 210 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,344 (sighs) 211 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,494 Oh, my gol. 212 00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,165 Oh, hi. I'm so sorry, Erica. 213 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,834 Did you want to sit next to Gail? 214 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,502 Melissa, should we maybe, uh, go? 215 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,238 -I'm fine right here. -Really? I-I mean, I insist. 216 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,607 -Todd, I'm fine. -Okay. (chuckles) 217 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:10,177 Well, just wondering if you wanted to... 218 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,479 (whispering): Psst. Remember? 219 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,281 Isn't this funny? 220 00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,017 -Mm-hmm. -TODD: So, uh... 221 00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,987 -How did it go? -Um, fine. 222 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,656 Yeah? That's great. Do you feel like it, um... took? 223 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,457 I mean, it's-it's probably too early to tell. 224 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,459 -Way too early. -But I feel like you're glowing. 225 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,628 I mean, do you feel like you're glowing a little bit? 226 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,664 -Todd, please. -I think she looks like she's glowing. 227 00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:32,800 -I... -I'm not glowing. 228 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,201 Wine, please. 229 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,674 Hmm. Hmm. 230 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:45,212 Hmm! Huh. 231 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,847 Is everything okay, Todd? 232 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,283 Just, are you gonna drink that whole thing? 233 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,120 -Why? Do you want some? -No. 234 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,822 I'm-I'm doing, uh, water. 235 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:59,960 You know, because of our whole, you know, little dealio. 236 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,494 That's great. Good for you. 237 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,134 Oh, my God. 238 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,037 -Cheers. -Cheers. 239 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,474 I wrote a poem. (chuckles) 240 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,376 "Girlfriends." 241 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,980 "There when we laugh, there when we cry. 242 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,216 "Hey, Erica, remember this tie? 243 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:26,319 "Nail polish. Boys. 244 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,155 "See-through containers. 245 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,890 "Putting paper clips in our mouths 246 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,559 -"to pretend they're retainers. -Oh. 247 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:36,429 "You're beautiful and smart, and you have so much style. 248 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:40,433 I can't wait for you and Todd to produce this 'chile.'" 249 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,369 Thank you, Melissa. 250 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,437 No, I'm not done. This is the sitting portion. 251 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,240 "Seated or standing, we're never apart, 252 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,610 'cause you'll always have a big piece of my heart." 253 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,880 -The end. -Cool. 254 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:56,049 -More wine, hon? -That'd be a hard yes. 255 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,218 -(door closes) -CAROL: Everyone! 256 00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,686 Everyone! 257 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,889 (panting) We've got company. 258 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,127 -We've got company? Who? -I don't know. 259 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,361 I didn't see them. 260 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:12,432 But all the proof I need is in here. 261 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,467 (sighs) 262 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,606 -Oh, my God. -CAROL: Yep. 263 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:20,941 Is this...? 264 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,876 A bowel movement. 265 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,045 -Ugh. -But that's not all. 266 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,214 You want to know the weirdest thing about it? 267 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,116 That it's sitting on the dinner table? 268 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:32,685 No. It's fresh. 269 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,824 How do you know it's not Tandy's? 270 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,492 -Did you find this under the "city dump" sign? -No. 271 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,228 -At the base of the water slide? -No. 272 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,831 -Next to the toilet at the youth center? -Gross. 273 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,565 I found it near the orange tree. 274 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,168 (quietly): Orange tree. Orange tree. 275 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,844 Gang, I cannot, in good conscience, 276 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,112 take credit for this booty cigar. 277 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:02,115 -See? -It's probably just Jasper's. 278 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,151 My gut's telling me it isn't. 279 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,654 I mean, the density, the sheen, the crumb-- 280 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,456 this is an adult. 281 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:13,460 I'm telling you, someone's out there. 282 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,662 Yeah. His name's Jasper. 283 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,664 Jasper, huh? 284 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,873 Well, at least I know he's eating well. 285 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,908 * 286 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,517 -Todd? -Huh? 287 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:40,620 -What are you doing? -D-Doing inventory. 288 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,289 You know, of-of the entire house. 289 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,624 And I came across this box of-- what-what is this? 290 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,359 (laughs): Oh, that's right. Tampons. 291 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,296 So, you know, um, my tampon records show 292 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,331 that there were six in the box last week, 293 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:53,700 which also jibes with today's count, you know, also six. 294 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:57,137 So, um... I hate to ask this, but I got to do it. 295 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,039 Is that because none were used or...? 296 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,641 -Oh, my God! -Hey, what's going on in here? 297 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,343 Todd is snooping around, 298 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,512 trying to figure out if I'm pregnant yet. 299 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,148 Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just, it's been two weeks, 300 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,983 and I am champing, guys. 301 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,819 Maybe I can help. Uh, Erica, when pregnant, 302 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,655 the female breasts often get tender to the touch. 303 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,690 -TODD: Ah. -So, using the palm of your hand, 304 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,060 -make a cupping motion and just... -Oh, God! 305 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,930 Look, I am taking a pregnancy test today. 306 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,531 -Oh, great. -I will let you know the results 307 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:25,933 as soon as I get them. 308 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,035 Until then, could you please stay out of my tampon drawer? 309 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,037 -Sorry. -And don't ask me any questions 310 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,005 about the sensitivity level of my breasts. 311 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,607 -I would never. -And generally just avoid me, okay? 312 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,876 Todd, I think this might not be your month, bud. 313 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,511 Sounds like someone's getting their period. 314 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,712 Okay, that's it. Get out. 315 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,615 -Yeah, okay. Sorry. -Thanks for coming. 316 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,451 (sighs) 317 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,955 (chimes jingling) 318 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,225 What you doing, hon? 319 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,462 Well, I'm still not convinced that it was Jasper 320 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,464 who left his leavings by the orange tree, 321 00:14:57,497 --> 00:15:00,067 so just setting up a makeshift alarm system, 322 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,768 you know, just in case. 323 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,770 -Whatever floats your boat. -Well, you know, 324 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:06,806 at the very least, it'll be a calming presence. 325 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,841 (cacophonous chiming) 326 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,281 Yeah. 327 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,649 It's like friggin' Rainforest Cafe. 328 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,485 Mmm. 329 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,457 (Todd exhales) 330 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,493 Hey. So? 331 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,996 Sorry, Todd. 332 00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:35,168 (quietly): Guess you're gonna go hit the sauce. 333 00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:37,337 Sorry, did you say something? 334 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,339 I-I'm just gonna come out and say it. 335 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,108 You know, if I were trying to get pregnant, 336 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,475 I wouldn't be guzzling wine at every turn 337 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:43,810 like a teen at a hootenanny. 338 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,513 I've been having one glass at dinner, tops. 339 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,648 I saw you having coffee the other day, too. 340 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,617 You know, and you still haven't used 341 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,319 that meditation stone I got you, so... 342 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,655 Look, could you please stop acting like a crazy person?! 343 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,790 Yeah, and could you please stop acting like you want this?! 344 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,292 Because it's pretty clear you don't. 345 00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,793 Look, if this is a preview 346 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,695 of how you're gonna be as a father, 347 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:05,298 we might need to change this from a co-parenting situation 348 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,500 to more of a sperm donor situation. 349 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,836 Y-You can't do that. Look, if I put a baby in you, 350 00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:12,805 you better believe I'm gonna be a part of its life. 351 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:16,309 Then maybe you shouldn't put a baby in me. 352 00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:27,120 (sighs) Are you here to get me to have 353 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,489 a pillow fight or something? 354 00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:33,526 Todd told me the news, so... I just came to see how you were. 355 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,162 Well, to be honest, 356 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:38,298 I think I need a little space from Todd and... 357 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,134 other people. 358 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,870 Look, I'm sorry for being weird. 359 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:49,209 I-I just haven't had many girlfriends in my life. 360 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,678 It's okay. 361 00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:55,315 But just know that whatever happens, 362 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,085 it won't change how thankful I am 363 00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,687 for you even giving this a shot. 364 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,156 Thanks, Melissa. 365 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:06,193 I wrote you another poem. 366 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,028 -I'm kidding. -Oh. (laughs) 367 00:17:09,061 --> 00:17:11,030 Phew. 368 00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,367 -Okay, Clancy, come to Daddy. -(mechanical whirring) 369 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,269 Come to Daddy. 370 00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:18,605 Oh, good boy. Good boy. 371 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,440 Now sit up. Sit up for me. 372 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,041 Oh, good boy. 373 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,777 Good boy. 374 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,179 Oh, hey, bud. 375 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,881 I got us a dog. Well, it's a robot dog. 376 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,184 Well, the body's a robot, and the head's a dog. 377 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,719 It's a taxidermy head. Yeah. 378 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,387 Hey, play dead, Clancy. 379 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,290 Ooh. 380 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,126 There we go. Good boy. 381 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,394 -Isn't that something? -Hmm. 382 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:44,697 -So, how's it going, bud? -Test was negative, bud. 383 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,733 Oh, I'm so sorry, bud. 384 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,768 Here. Clancy, comfort Todd. 385 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,211 Hey. Pat his head. 386 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,979 -Get in there. -Hey. 387 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:01,781 Look, you'll get 'em next time. 388 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,951 -If there is a next time. -Wait, what do you mean? 389 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:07,120 Well, we got in a fight, and I went a little nuts, 390 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,456 and now she might want to pull the plug on the whole thing. 391 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,458 -Well, I thought she wanted another kid. -She does. 392 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,793 I'm just not sure she wants to have one with me. 393 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,495 I see where you're going with this, okay? 394 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,298 But, Todd, rest assured I will never-- 395 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:21,734 barring your early death-- have a baby with Erica. 396 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,836 Uh, okay. Thanks. 397 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,572 I mean that, bud. Firmly. 398 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,774 -Here, bring it in. -Yeah. 399 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,177 Now, look, she's not gonna call it off. 400 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:34,181 Bottom line, she wants a baby, and you're her only shot. 401 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,317 Yeah. I guess I am. 402 00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,186 Thanks, bud. 403 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:46,193 Hey. Clancy, got a stick! 404 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,328 Go, fetch! Fetch! 405 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,666 Clamp onto it. 406 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,335 Come on. 407 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,676 (vehicle approaching) 408 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,712 * 409 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,226 (door closes) 410 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,502 Who are you? 411 00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:34,040 (quiet snoring) 412 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,543 (wind chimes jingling) 413 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,512 (gasps) Tandy. Tandy, did you hear that? 414 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,147 I think someone's in the house. 415 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,649 Look, it's probably just the wind, 416 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,017 but I'll go check it out, okay? 417 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,053 * 418 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,660 Hello? 419 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,195 Anybody there? 420 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,471 Hello? 421 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,815 Huh. 422 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,158 (sniffing, sighing) 423 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,163 * 424 00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:49,516 * 425 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,730 (whispers): Mike. 426 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,775 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 427 00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:35,194 CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky. 428 00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:36,696 (horn honking)