1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,405
Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,240
PHIL 2:
Five weeks,
solitary confinement it is.

3
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:07,708
CAROL: Tandy saw the fire.
He got water from the pool

4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,842
until the fire was out.

5
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,844
Tandy did his time.

6
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,646
How are things
with you and Todd?

7
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,014
MELISSA:
He's just been kind of weird.

8
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:15,916
Daddy's home.

9
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:20,421
TANDY:
What a beautiful night.

10
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:27,528
Hey, I want to take the floor

11
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,996
real quick.

12
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,232
Look, I know where
I stand here, you know?

13
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,933
You guys let me out of the shed
for good behavior,

14
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,668
but I know I still
have a ways to go

15
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,505
before I'm fully back
in this community, you know?

16
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,607
Yeah, I-I just hope
you guys give me a chance,

17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,609
'cause I really care
about you.

18
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,943
And I look forward
to showing you that

19
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,578
without a gun
pointed in your face.

20
00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:45,946
I know, I know.

21
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,047
Actions not words,

22
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:50,551
but the actions are coming.

23
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,120
I have an action for you.

24
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,387
Give me a little wine.

25
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,055
Gail, thank you.

26
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,590
And one wine coming up.

27
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,626
(whining):
Oh!

28
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,694
Why are we
sitting out here?

29
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:01,729
It's too cold!

30
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:04,698
I want to go back inside, Mommy!

31
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,200
Boom.

32
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,969
Still got it.

33
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,139
(crickets trilling)

34
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:17,411
Crickets!
Crickets are alive!

35
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,879
(excited, overlapping
chattering)
Oh! Oh, no way!

36
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,914
(chattering continues)

37
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,888
(chattering continues)

38
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,657
All right.

39
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,793
Presenting,
for the first time ever,

40
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,562
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...

41
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,165
cricket casserole!

42
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,432
(laughs)

43
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,903
Is that what
you were working on

44
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,672
so long in the kitchen?

45
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:45,906
Yep.

46
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,575
It took longer than I thought,

47
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,943
because I didn't realize
how hard they are to kill.

48
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,248
I have to admit I felt
a little intimidated--

49
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,984
Gail being a trained chef
and all.

50
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:59,753
Did you ever make
anything like this, Gail?

51
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,989
I did not.

52
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:05,493
Look, it might seem
a little wonker-bonkers,

53
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,795
but I was reading
in Indian Vogue

54
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:10,298
that crickets were
all the rage over there.

55
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,334
Uh-huh, they're
full of protein and fiber.

56
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,035
They're also
full of bug guts.

57
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,205
We're all full of guts.

58
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,373
But we're running
out of options, aren't we?

59
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:22,376
All our canned goods
have already expired.

60
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,513
There are no fish
and no animals,

61
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:28,616
except for the cow and she's
not gonna live forever, so...

62
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,651
(chuckles)
like it or not,

63
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,220
you're looking at our future.

64
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:37,491
Anyway, to the future.

65
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Mmm.

66
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,766
Hmm, mm-hmm.

67
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:55,008
Anybody else? No?

68
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,811
It's okay.

69
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,180
Just wanted to do something nice
for the group.

70
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,883
And I spent a lot of time on it.

71
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,519
(stammers)
No, Carol, we-we'll try it.

72
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We'll try it, right?

73
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,990
Yeah?
Yeah.

74
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Go ahead, it's good.
Mmm.

75
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:20,534
Mmm.

76
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,005
This is re... You certainly
have a way with crickets.

77
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,341
Oh, get a room.

78
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,709
Hey, Todd, you haven't
even touched yours.

79
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I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just,

80
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I'm not feeling very well.

81
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,713
Well, that's too bad.

82
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It really dances
on your tongue.

83
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,216
Ooh! Oh.

84
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,785
This one's not dead.

85
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:38,919
(crunches)

86
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,388
Ah, now he is.

87
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:44,725
Here, cricket, cricket.

88
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,727
Don't you want to get turned

89
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,929
into a disgusting meal
by my wife?

90
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,198
Okay, let's see if this works.

91
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,533
Has anybody ever noticed

92
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,935
you can get salmonella
from chicken,

93
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,205
but you can't get
chicken-monella from salmon?

94
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,141
Boom.

95
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,311
Nothing?

96
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,584
Huh...

97
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:39,613
*

98
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,020
(motor humming nearby)

99
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,964
(motor humming)

100
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,038
Oh... my...

101
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,807
God.

102
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,280
Good morning.

103
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,282
I'm about to fry up
some cricket poppers!

104
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,784
Who's in?

105
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,386
Uh, thank you
so much, Carol,

106
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,621
but we found a
couple of chowders

107
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,456
that are only two
years out of date,

108
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,625
so I think we're gonna
take our chances with that.

109
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:25,726
Yeah, Carol,
I'm gonna pass, too.

110
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,028
I'm not feeling very hungry.

111
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,531
I think I'm gonna pass
as well, Care Bear.

112
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,199
Uh, save me a
plate, though.

113
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,202
Well, what do you want--
breast, wing, thigh, face?

114
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,371
Chef's choice.

115
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,740
Count me in, Carol.

116
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,509
And I'm okay
with whatever you have.

117
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God.

118
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,978
Erica, wait.

119
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,881
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I cut my finger.

120
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,517
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, geez, that's a gusher.

121
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,984
Carol, get some paper towels.

122
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,353
Sorry, I get nauseous

123
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,988
on the sight on blood.
(gags)

124
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That's proof, oh!
Gail, you're our medical expert.

125
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,226
What do we do here?

126
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,928
Medical expert, hardly.

127
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,996
Well, you knew
all that CPR mumbo jumbo.

128
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,265
Well, that doesn't mean
I know anything about cuts.

129
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,534
(retches)
Don't say cuts.

130
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,335
Anything can set me off.

131
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You guys, it's fine.
It's gonna be fine.
No.

132
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,705
No, you know what?
That looks really bad.

133
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,040
I-I'm gonna go get
that first aid book.

134
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(gags)

135
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,945
(motor humming)

136
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,750
TANDY:
Pretty cool house, huh?

137
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,184
(gasping)

138
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,920
(gasps)
Huh?

139
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,355
How you doing, Todd?

140
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,591
Uh, good. How-how are you?

141
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,760
Light switch on...

142
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,361
off.

143
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,196
On, off.

144
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,631
It works!

145
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:41,301
Probably 'cause
the solar power, I guess.

146
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,803
Hmm.

147
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,539
Wonder what else
could be working in here?

148
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,808
What else

149
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,310
could be

150
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,312
working?

151
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,981
Yeah, you know,
I don't, I don't really know...

152
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,315
You hear that?

153
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,784
It's like a hum?

154
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,786
Where's that coming from?

155
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:01,388
I-I-I don't know, Tandy.

156
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,123
'Cause it sounds like

157
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:06,059
it's coming from right

158
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,095
over here.

159
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:13,433
What's in the freezer,
Todd?

160
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,068
Nothing, really.
It's just...

161
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,970
I already know, Todd.

162
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,139
It's the same thing

163
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:22,109
that's in your stomach
right now.

164
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:35,022
Bacon.

165
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,492
42 packages of bacon
to be exact.

166
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,327
I counted them all yesterday

167
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,962
when I caught you
sneaking out of here.

168
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,131
How many were in there
when you found it?

169
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,999
I'm guessing
you're gonna say 42,

170
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,768
but I'd be willing to bet
that the number

171
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,204
was just a little bit higher,
now, wasn't it, Todd?

172
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,306
Wasn't it?!

173
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,508
Yes, Tandy!

174
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,976
There were more.

175
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,978
Now, I wonder...

176
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,013
did you ask the group
if they wanted some bacon?

177
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,682
Huh?

178
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:03,283
'Cause they're
all eating bugs, man.

179
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,018
Bugs!

180
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,887
And you don't think
they'd want to hear about this?

181
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,689
'Cause I think they would.

182
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,324
Maybe somebody should
go tell them about it.

183
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,561
No!
Tandy, please God! No!

184
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,235
Anything you want to say to me

185
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,871
before I go down there
and tell them?

186
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,806
Yes, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Tandy.

187
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,374
I'm really, really sorry, man.

188
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,743
'Cause I have something
I want to say to you.

189
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,479
Start cooking.

190
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,914
(quiet laugh)

191
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,048
(chuckles)

192
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,250
(sizzling)

193
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:42,089
(choral music playing)

194
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,766
I don't need stitches.

195
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,068
I can see yellow
fatty tissue.

196
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,104
(gags)
Which means that
that cut will not

197
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,107
close on its own, which
means you do need stitches.

198
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,242
Okay, well, which of you bozos
is gonna do that?

199
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,411
I would like to take
a strike at it.

200
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,380
Gail, are you drunk?

201
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,583
I have been drinking,

202
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,652
but I am not drunk.

203
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,589
(moans)

204
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,625
Mmm.

205
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,630
So, how are things going
with you and Melissa?

206
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,632
Hey, don't, okay?

207
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,967
Don't bring her up.

208
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,535
Feeling kind of guilty?

209
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,303
No, Tandy,
I feel great about it.

210
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,272
You know, I love hiding
secrets from my lover.

211
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:35,442
I'm on top
of the frigging world about it.

212
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,911
You know, I've been
thinking a lot

213
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,748
about the, the stuff that
I did to you back in Tucson.

214
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,616
And I just want
to say I'm sorry...

215
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,417
Look, just shut up
and eat, okay?

216
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,587
The only reason you're here
is so you can't blackmail me.

217
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,590
Todd, I... I would
never blackmail you.

218
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:53,460
I mean, we're bros.

219
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,128
Tandy, we're not bros.

220
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,665
This is just about the bacon.

221
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,969
Just about the bacon.

222
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,004
Got it.

223
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:15,415
Hey, lady!

224
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,483
How's your hand?

225
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,652
(retches)

226
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:19,853
Never mind.

227
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:25,258
Okay, so I need some help
with my outfit.

228
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,861
Phil has been
extra flirty with me,

229
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,864
and I'm getting the sense
that it's upsetting Erica.

230
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,299
Oh, you think?

231
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,667
I mean, I've only
seen her give you

232
00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:35,002
like a hundred eye rolls.

233
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,336
Thank you. I know.

234
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,338
It's like,
"Hi. Would you like

235
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,507
some butter
with your eye rolls?"

236
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,843
I know. It's like, "Don't
fill up on eye rolls, Erica.

237
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:43,877
Save room for dinner."

238
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,212
(laughing)

239
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:48,281
We have fun.

240
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,551
But seriously, I'm not even
trying to attract Phil.

241
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:54,521
I think I just need
to tamp down my essence,

242
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:58,959
find something a little more,
I don't know, boring.

243
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,061
Oh, like what you have on.

244
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,032
I juiced up some crickets
for you guys.

245
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,200
Mmm.
It tastes so good.

246
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,136
Just like chicken juice.

247
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,471
And there's one for everybody.

248
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,541
M'lady. My man.

249
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,711
Oh, thank you, Tandy.
Just pass 'em on down.

250
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,080
(deep voice):
And there's one for you, Phil.

251
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,049
You can just get it yourself.

252
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,084
Okay. Thank you.

253
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,786
(chuckles)

254
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,389
Wow, this is fantastic.

255
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,425
You're right-- it tastes
just like cold chicken broth.

256
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,261
So good. Mmm.

257
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,767
(sighs)

258
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,368
Thanks for the juice,
Carol, but I'm...

259
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,336
you know, I'm not...
not feeling super hungry today.

260
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,838
Are you okay? You
haven't eaten in days.

261
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,406
Yeah, I'm fine.

262
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,242
I just think I'm maybe
coming down with something.

263
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,510
Oh, I can go to the
pharmacy and get you...

264
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,179
I'm-I'm fine!
(laughs) You know?

265
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,047
I just think I'm coming
down with something.

266
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,916
(clears throat)
I'm gonna go for a walk.

267
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:59,286
You know, truth be told,
I'm feeling the same way.

268
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,354
Think I might be coming
down with whatever he has.

269
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,957
Uh, we compared symptoms
earlier. It checks out.

270
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,763
Oh, Melissa,
look at your finger.

271
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,231
(gasps) Oh, God.

272
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,366
Girl, you're not
bleeding out on my watch.

273
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,469
You need stitches, and I will
not take no for an answer.

274
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:18,471
Okay, fine.
(squeals)

275
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,307
Okay.
I'm gonna go get my gear.

276
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:23,877
Erica.

277
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:24,945
(sighs)

278
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,279
We need to talk.

279
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,881
Do we, Carol?

280
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,616
You've been eye-rolling me
like a googly doll

281
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,151
since I got here.

282
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,120
You don't think I see
all the flirting

283
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,621
you've been doing with Phil?

284
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,824
If anything,
I'm doing the opposite.

285
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,659
I mean, for Pete Sampras,

286
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:42,129
look at this dumb outfit
I borrowed from Melissa.

287
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,897
I don't know,
you look fine to me.

288
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,834
This needs, like,
a pineapple on it or a giraffe

289
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,969
or children sliding
down a rainbow.

290
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,904
I mean, this is not me.

291
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,139
But I'm wearing it.

292
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,673
And you know why?

293
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,175
'Cause I care about you.

294
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,977
Spare me, Carol.

295
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,012
Erica, we have a chance
to do something different

296
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,814
in this new society.

297
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,649
Wouldn't it be nice
to not catfight anymore?

298
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,517
Every time a girl

299
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,686
gets broken up with,
she blames the other girl.

300
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,655
But why? It's the guy's fault.

301
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,123
I mean, think about it.

302
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,659
What did I do? Nothing.

303
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:13,927
So blame him.

304
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,428
(scoffs)

305
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,230
No, him.

306
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,901
*

307
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,705
* I need you

308
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,208
* I need you more
than birds need the sky *

309
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,146
* I need you

310
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,681
* It's true, little girl

311
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:37,750
* That you can lift
the tears from my eyes *

312
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:43,891
* But if you ever
tell me good-bye *

313
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,194
* I'll break down
and you'll hear me cry *

314
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,862
* I need you.

315
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,533
Let's do this thing.
Whoo!

316
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,169
Gail?

317
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,905
Come here.

318
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,672
Breathe on me.
Why?

319
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,074
Because I've never
heard a doctor

320
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,809
yell "whoo" before
a procedure.

321
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,577
Come here.
(exhales)

322
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,380
Gail.

323
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,150
Well... (sighs)
I had one scotch,

324
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,751
and it was like two hours ago,

325
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,720
and I've barely
been drinking since.

326
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,989
Say the alphabet backwards.

327
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,390
(sighs)

328
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:20,393
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T,
S, R, Q, P, O,

329
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,663
N, M, L, K, J, I, H,
G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

330
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,933
May I go now, Officer?

331
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,902
(sighs)

332
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:31,404
I'm gonna need
an anesthetic.

333
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,773
Got you covered.

334
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,311
Gail.

335
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,283
Have at it.

336
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,851
Whoo! Sorry.

337
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,353
Sorry. Sorry.

338
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,388
*

339
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,127
Okay, this is crazy.

340
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,063
Look, I know it's
just about the bacon,

341
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,864
but I'm concerned
about you.

342
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,867
And I think I have a way
to make you feel better.

343
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,369
Look, we still have
three bacons left.

344
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,536
Why don't we bring it
down to the group

345
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,438
and share it with them?
What?

346
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,975
I know it's just three bacons,
but the others have no idea

347
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:09,776
how many packages there were
before we got into them.

348
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:12,445
So, to them, it'll feel
like a million bacons.

349
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,114
No, Tandy. No way.

350
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,216
We clean this place up,
we get rid of all the evidence,

351
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,717
you take all the credit.

352
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,120
You'll be a hero.
No, Tandy, I said no!

353
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,955
I'm in too deep, man.

354
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,591
So we just keep up this routine
till the bacon is gone,

355
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,259
and then we go
our separate ways,

356
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:29,096
and this never happened.

357
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,166
Fine, fine.

358
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,337
Just about the bacon.

359
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,539
Voilà.

360
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,409
MELISSA:
I'm so hammered,

361
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,144
I see two fingers,

362
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,646
but they're both
perfectly stitched.

363
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,781
You could give
our little seamstress Carol here

364
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:49,849
a run for her money.

365
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,751
ERICA:
Phil?
Hey.

366
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,486
Why don't you take that comment,

367
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,356
put it inside a bottle
and shove it up your butt.

368
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,791
What?
And then take that
bottle back out,

369
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,160
put it inside a bigger bottle,

370
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,794
and then shove that
up your butt, too.

371
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:03,263
What's gotten into you?

372
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,998
I'm sick and tired
of you hitting on Carol.

373
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,534
Can't you see it's making
us both uncomfortable?

374
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,668
Oh.

375
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,173
Ooh, you got served.

376
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,075
(singsongy):
You got served.

377
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:23,016
* Taking the bacon
and making it disappear... *

378
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:25,385
(humming, grunting)

379
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,029
(sighs)
How do I get rid of this?

380
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,198
No.

381
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,900
Fire pit? No.

382
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,071
Bingo.

383
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,738
(woman screaming)

384
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,006
What's going on?

385
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,876
Todd, you know
what's going on.

386
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,212
(laughter, squealing)
CAROL: Is that bacon?!

387
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,813
Where did you find this?

388
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,148
Well...

389
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,549
I'll tell you
where he found it.

390
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,518
He found it at a
house up the road.

391
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,553
It has solar panels, so the
freezer's still working.

392
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,755
He told me about it
yesterday, made me promise

393
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,558
not to say anything 'cause he
wanted to surprise you guys.

394
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,494
Hey, nice work, bud.
What a hero, huh?
Ah, thanks.

395
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,728
Todd!

396
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,597
ALL: Todd! Todd! Todd!
Oh... no.

397
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:13,200
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!

398
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:14,934
(cheering)

399
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,337
Oh, you're the bacon man!
No, you're the bacon man.

400
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,372
(excited chatter, whooping)

401
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,108
You're welcome.

402
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,909
I told you not to do this.
Now they know about the bacon.

403
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,611
What if they find out
about the rest?

404
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:27,414
It's all taken care of.
All the evidence is gone.

405
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,581
If you've got a
bacon-sniffing dog out there,

406
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,949
it wouldn't even notice.

407
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,384
In fact, it'd
probably take a nap

408
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,519
'cause it was so bored.

409
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,686
What'd you do with the wrappers?

410
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,288
Relax.

411
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,590
They're someplace
nobody will ever find them.

412
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,692
Guys, come here.
Check this out.

413
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,094
CAROL: What is that?
PHIL 2: Quick.

414
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,262
Oh, my God.
What? What?

415
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,263
What is it?
Do you see that?

416
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,964
MELISSA:
Right there.

417
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,766
TANDY:
Apparently something to see
over here. Check it out.

418
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,301
May I? May I? May I?

419
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,370
Thank you.
You see it?

420
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,305
(excited chatter)

421
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,973
MELISSA:
Oh, my God.

422
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,875
PHIL 2:
It's coming so fast.

423
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,211
A Jet Ski!

424
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,447
Amazing.

425
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:09,789
Oh, God. Oh, God.

426
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,758
What is this?
What do we got here?

427
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,326
(Tandy laughs)
MELISSA: What is all this?

428
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,994
TANDY: Bacon.
Oh, my God. Must've...

429
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,596
must've come from Japan.

430
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,631
What a coincidence.
We were just talking about this.

431
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,671
Todd, anything you want
to tell us?

432
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,974
I'm so sorry, guys.

433
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,477
I found all this bacon,
and I ate it.

434
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:33,746
Oh, Todd.

435
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,249
How could you do this?

436
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:37,550
I mean, how dare you.

437
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:43,156
Yeah, how dare you
stand there...

438
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:46,025
and take all the
blame for what I did.

439
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,427
I found all this bacon,

440
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,429
and I kept it to myself,

441
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,665
and none of you would
have ever known a thing.

442
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,167
But then Todd came in.

443
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:57,003
Perfect Todd--
the nicest,

444
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,938
trustworthiest,
straight-shootinest,

445
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,174
selflessest son of a
gun I've ever known.

446
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,809
He immediately said,

447
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,677
"Hey, let's go share this
with the community."

448
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,779
"Screw the friggin' community!"
I said.

449
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,349
"Eat this with me,
and we'll go down together."

450
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,718
Then he said, "That's
wrong, sir. Never!"

451
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,386
So I pulled a gun on him--
you guys know

452
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,021
I do that from time to time.

453
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:18,525
Then he took the gun, and
he put it in his mouth

454
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:22,161
and said, "Pull the trigger,
'cause I would rather be dead

455
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,298
than not share this pork product
with the people I love."

456
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,133
And as I cocked my gun,

457
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,836
he calmly walked over, picked
up the three remaining bacons,

458
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,972
marched straight out the door
and delivered them to you guys,

459
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,374
tied up in a bow.

460
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,376
'Cause when Todd
gives you bacon,

461
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,911
he puts a bow on it.

462
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,714
But that's friggin' Todd.

463
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,883
(chanting softly):
Todd. Todd.

464
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,586
(growing louder):
Todd. Todd. Todd.

465
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,255
Todd. Todd. Join in.

466
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,890
Todd...
Okay, Todd,
what's the real story?

467
00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:55,027
This was me.

468
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,396
I found the bacon.

469
00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,498
Tandy caught
me eating it,

470
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:01,000
he had a little bit,
too, but...

471
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,402
this was all me.

472
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,571
(breaking down):
Surprise, surprise.

473
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,739
The fat guy ate the bacon.

474
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,575
(crying):
And I'm so sorry.

475
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,543
I'll never be able
to forgive myself

476
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,745
because I lied to all of you,

477
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,848
and I lied to the woman
that I love.

478
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,250
And I'll take
whatever punishment

479
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:18,751
you guys think is fair.

480
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:20,420
I will.

481
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,455
Because I've been bad.

482
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,758
(fake crying):
Nice try, Todd.

483
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,227
And it moves me that
you tried to stick up

484
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,463
for me like that,
but, guys, it was me!

485
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,098
Can it, Tandy.

486
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,700
Guys, who you
gonna believe?

487
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,602
Him or me?

488
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,673
Hey, Tandy.

489
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,943
Thanks, man.

490
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,779
You're welcome.

491
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:50,983
But look, I know it was
just about the bacon, so...

492
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,819
No.

493
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,821
No, it wasn't.

494
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,325
Thanks, bud.

495
00:20:58,358 --> 00:20:59,592
Fist bump?

496
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:05,965
Bump. (chuckles)

497
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:37,430
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

498
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,031
(horn honking)

499
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:40,833
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH