Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
PHIL 2: Five weeks, solitary confinement it is.
CAROL: Tandy saw the fire. He got water from the pool
until the fire was out.
Tandy did his time.
How are things with you and Todd?
MELISSA: He's just been kind of weird.
Daddy's home.
TANDY: What a beautiful night.
Hey, I want to take the floor
real quick.
Look, I know where I stand here, you know?
You guys let me out of the shed for good behavior,
but I know I still have a ways to go
before I'm fully back in this community, you know?
Yeah, I-I just hope you guys give me a chance,
'cause I really care about you.
And I look forward to showing you that
without a gun pointed in your face.
I know, I know.
Actions not words,
but the actions are coming.
I have an action for you.
Give me a little wine.
Gail, thank you.
And one wine coming up.
(whining): Oh!
Why are we sitting out here?
It's too cold!
I want to go back inside, Mommy!
Boom.
Still got it.
(crickets trilling)
Crickets! Crickets are alive!
(excited, overlapping chattering) Oh! Oh, no way!
(chattering continues)
All right.
Presenting, for the first time ever,
ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
cricket casserole!
(laughs)
Is that what you were working on
so long in the kitchen?
Yep.
It took longer than I thought,
because I didn't realize how hard they are to kill.
I have to admit I felt a little intimidated--
Gail being a trained chef and all.
Did you ever make anything like this, Gail?
I did not.
Look, it might seem a little wonker-bonkers,
but I was reading in Indian Vogue
that crickets were all the rage over there.
Uh-huh, they're full of protein and fiber.
They're also full of bug guts.
We're all full of guts.
But we're running out of options, aren't we?
All our canned goods have already expired.
There are no fish and no animals,
except for the cow and she's not gonna live forever, so...
(chuckles) like it or not,
you're looking at our future.
Anyway, to the future.
Mmm.
Hmm, mm-hmm.
Anybody else? No?
It's okay.
Just wanted to do something nice for the group.
And I spent a lot of time on it.
(stammers) No, Carol, we-we'll try it.
We'll try it, right?
Yeah? Yeah.
Go ahead, it's good. Mmm.
This is re... You certainly have a way with crickets.
Oh, get a room.
Hey, Todd, you haven't even touched yours.
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just,
I'm not feeling very well.
Well, that's too bad.
It really dances on your tongue.
Ooh! Oh.
This one's not dead.
(crunches)
Ah, now he is.
Here, cricket, cricket.
Don't you want to get turned
into a disgusting meal by my wife?
Okay, let's see if this works.
Has anybody ever noticed
you can get salmonella from chicken,
but you can't get chicken-monella from salmon?
Boom.
Nothing?
Huh...
*
(motor humming nearby)
(motor humming)
Oh... my...
God.
Good morning.
I'm about to fry up some cricket poppers!
Who's in?
Uh, thank you so much, Carol,
but we found a couple of chowders
that are only two years out of date,
so I think we're gonna take our chances with that.
Yeah, Carol, I'm gonna pass, too.
I'm not feeling very hungry.
I think I'm gonna pass as well, Care Bear.
Uh, save me a plate, though.
Well, what do you want-- breast, wing, thigh, face?
Chef's choice.
Count me in, Carol.
And I'm okay with whatever you have.
God.
Erica, wait.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I cut my finger.
Ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, geez, that's a gusher.
Carol, get some paper towels.
Sorry, I get nauseous
on the sight on blood. (gags)
That's proof, oh! Gail, you're our medical expert.
What do we do here?
Medical expert, hardly.
Well, you knew all that CPR mumbo jumbo.
Well, that doesn't mean I know anything about cuts.
(retches) Don't say cuts.
Anything can set me off.
You guys, it's fine. It's gonna be fine. No.
No, you know what? That looks really bad.
I-I'm gonna go get that first aid book.
(gags)
(motor humming)
TANDY: Pretty cool house, huh?
(gasping)
(gasps) Huh?
How you doing, Todd?
Uh, good. How-how are you?
Light switch on...
off.
On, off.
It works!
Probably 'cause the solar power, I guess.
Hmm.
Wonder what else could be working in here?
What else
could be
working?
Yeah, you know, I don't, I don't really know...
You hear that?
It's like a hum?
Where's that coming from?
I-I-I don't know, Tandy.
'Cause it sounds like
it's coming from right
over here.
What's in the freezer, Todd?
Nothing, really. It's just...
I already know, Todd.
It's the same thing
that's in your stomach right now.
Bacon.
42 packages of bacon to be exact.
I counted them all yesterday
when I caught you sneaking out of here.
How many were in there when you found it?
I'm guessing you're gonna say 42,
but I'd be willing to bet that the number
was just a little bit higher, now, wasn't it, Todd?
Wasn't it?!
Yes, Tandy!
There were more.
Now, I wonder...
did you ask the group if they wanted some bacon?
Huh?
'Cause they're all eating bugs, man.
Bugs!
And you don't think they'd want to hear about this?
'Cause I think they would.
Maybe somebody should go tell them about it.
No! Tandy, please God! No!
Anything you want to say to me
before I go down there and tell them?
Yes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Tandy.
I'm really, really sorry, man.
'Cause I have something I want to say to you.
Start cooking.
(quiet laugh)
(chuckles)
(sizzling)
(choral music playing)
I don't need stitches.
I can see yellow fatty tissue.
(gags) Which means that that cut will not
close on its own, which means you do need stitches.
Okay, well, which of you bozos is gonna do that?
I would like to take a strike at it.
Gail, are you drunk?
I have been drinking,
but I am not drunk.
(moans)
Mmm.
So, how are things going with you and Melissa?
Hey, don't, okay?
Don't bring her up.
Feeling kind of guilty?
No, Tandy, I feel great about it.
You know, I love hiding secrets from my lover.
I'm on top of the frigging world about it.
You know, I've been thinking a lot
about the, the stuff that I did to you back in Tucson.
And I just want to say I'm sorry...
Look, just shut up and eat, okay?
The only reason you're here is so you can't blackmail me.
Todd, I... I would never blackmail you.
I mean, we're bros.
Tandy, we're not bros.
This is just about the bacon.
Just about the bacon.
Got it.
Hey, lady!
How's your hand?
(retches)
Never mind.
Okay, so I need some help with my outfit.
Phil has been extra flirty with me,
and I'm getting the sense that it's upsetting Erica.
Oh, you think?
I mean, I've only seen her give you
like a hundred eye rolls.
Thank you. I know.
It's like, "Hi. Would you like
some butter with your eye rolls?"
I know. It's like, "Don't fill up on eye rolls, Erica.
Save room for dinner."
(laughing)
We have fun.
But seriously, I'm not even trying to attract Phil.
I think I just need to tamp down my essence,
find something a little more, I don't know, boring.
Oh, like what you have on.
I juiced up some crickets for you guys.
Mmm. It tastes so good.
Just like chicken juice.
And there's one for everybody.
M'lady. My man.
Oh, thank you, Tandy. Just pass 'em on down.
(deep voice): And there's one for you, Phil.
You can just get it yourself.
Okay. Thank you.
(chuckles)
Wow, this is fantastic.
You're right-- it tastes just like cold chicken broth.
So good. Mmm.
(sighs)
Thanks for the juice, Carol, but I'm...
you know, I'm not... not feeling super hungry today.
Are you okay? You haven't eaten in days.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just think I'm maybe coming down with something.
Oh, I can go to the pharmacy and get you...
I'm-I'm fine! (laughs) You know?
I just think I'm coming down with something.
(clears throat) I'm gonna go for a walk.
You know, truth be told, I'm feeling the same way.
Think I might be coming down with whatever he has.
Uh, we compared symptoms earlier. It checks out.
Oh, Melissa, look at your finger.
(gasps) Oh, God.
Girl, you're not bleeding out on my watch.
You need stitches, and I will not take no for an answer.
Okay, fine. (squeals)
Okay. I'm gonna go get my gear.
Erica.
(sighs)
We need to talk.
Do we, Carol?
You've been eye-rolling me like a googly doll
since I got here.
You don't think I see all the flirting
you've been doing with Phil?
If anything, I'm doing the opposite.
I mean, for Pete Sampras,
look at this dumb outfit I borrowed from Melissa.
I don't know, you look fine to me.
This needs, like, a pineapple on it or a giraffe
or children sliding down a rainbow.
I mean, this is not me.
But I'm wearing it.
And you know why?
'Cause I care about you.
Spare me, Carol.
Erica, we have a chance to do something different
in this new society.
Wouldn't it be nice to not catfight anymore?
Every time a girl
gets broken up with, she blames the other girl.
But why? It's the guy's fault.
I mean, think about it.
What did I do? Nothing.
So blame him.
(scoffs)
No, him.
*
* I need you
* I need you more than birds need the sky *
* I need you
* It's true, little girl
* That you can lift the tears from my eyes *
* But if you ever tell me good-bye *
* I'll break down and you'll hear me cry *
* I need you.
Let's do this thing. Whoo!
Gail?
Come here.
Breathe on me. Why?
Because I've never heard a doctor
yell "whoo" before a procedure.
Come here. (exhales)
Gail.
Well... (sighs) I had one scotch,
and it was like two hours ago,
and I've barely been drinking since.
Say the alphabet backwards.
(sighs)
Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O,
N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
May I go now, Officer?
(sighs)
I'm gonna need an anesthetic.
Got you covered.
Gail.
Have at it.
Whoo! Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
*
Okay, this is crazy.
Look, I know it's just about the bacon,
but I'm concerned about you.
And I think I have a way to make you feel better.
Look, we still have three bacons left.
Why don't we bring it down to the group
and share it with them? What?
I know it's just three bacons, but the others have no idea
how many packages there were before we got into them.
So, to them, it'll feel like a million bacons.
No, Tandy. No way.
We clean this place up, we get rid of all the evidence,
you take all the credit.
You'll be a hero. No, Tandy, I said no!
I'm in too deep, man.
So we just keep up this routine till the bacon is gone,
and then we go our separate ways,
and this never happened.
Fine, fine.
Just about the bacon.
Voilà.
MELISSA: I'm so hammered,
I see two fingers,
but they're both perfectly stitched.
You could give our little seamstress Carol here
a run for her money.
ERICA: Phil? Hey.
Why don't you take that comment,
put it inside a bottle and shove it up your butt.
What? And then take that bottle back out,
put it inside a bigger bottle,
and then shove that up your butt, too.
What's gotten into you?
I'm sick and tired of you hitting on Carol.
Can't you see it's making us both uncomfortable?
Oh.
Ooh, you got served.
(singsongy): You got served.
* Taking the bacon and making it disappear... *
(humming, grunting)
(sighs) How do I get rid of this?
No.
Fire pit? No.
Bingo.
(woman screaming)
What's going on?
Todd, you know what's going on.
(laughter, squealing) CAROL: Is that bacon?!
Where did you find this?
Well...
I'll tell you where he found it.
He found it at a house up the road.
It has solar panels, so the freezer's still working.
He told me about it yesterday, made me promise
not to say anything 'cause he wanted to surprise you guys.
Hey, nice work, bud. What a hero, huh? Ah, thanks.
Todd!
ALL: Todd! Todd! Todd! Oh... no.
Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
(cheering)
Oh, you're the bacon man! No, you're the bacon man.
(excited chatter, whooping)
You're welcome.
I told you not to do this. Now they know about the bacon.
What if they find out about the rest?
It's all taken care of. All the evidence is gone.
If you've got a bacon-sniffing dog out there,
it wouldn't even notice.
In fact, it'd probably take a nap
'cause it was so bored.
What'd you do with the wrappers?
Relax.
They're someplace nobody will ever find them.
Guys, come here. Check this out.
CAROL: What is that? PHIL 2: Quick.
Oh, my God. What? What?
What is it? Do you see that?
MELISSA: Right there.
TANDY: Apparently something to see over here. Check it out.
May I? May I? May I?
Thank you. You see it?
(excited chatter)
MELISSA: Oh, my God.
PHIL 2: It's coming so fast.
A Jet Ski!
Amazing.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
What is this? What do we got here?
(Tandy laughs) MELISSA: What is all this?
TANDY: Bacon. Oh, my God. Must've...
must've come from Japan.
What a coincidence. We were just talking about this.
Todd, anything you want to tell us?
I'm so sorry, guys.
I found all this bacon, and I ate it.
Oh, Todd.
How could you do this?
I mean, how dare you.
Yeah, how dare you stand there...
and take all the blame for what I did.
I found all this bacon,
and I kept it to myself,
and none of you would have ever known a thing.
But then Todd came in.
Perfect Todd-- the nicest,
trustworthiest, straight-shootinest,
selflessest son of a gun I've ever known.
He immediately said,
"Hey, let's go share this with the community."
"Screw the friggin' community!" I said.
"Eat this with me, and we'll go down together."
Then he said, "That's wrong, sir. Never!"
So I pulled a gun on him-- you guys know
I do that from time to time.
Then he took the gun, and he put it in his mouth
and said, "Pull the trigger, 'cause I would rather be dead
than not share this pork product with the people I love."
And as I cocked my gun,
he calmly walked over, picked up the three remaining bacons,
marched straight out the door and delivered them to you guys,
tied up in a bow.
'Cause when Todd gives you bacon,
he puts a bow on it.
But that's friggin' Todd.
(chanting softly): Todd. Todd.
(growing louder): Todd. Todd. Todd.
Todd. Todd. Join in.
Todd... Okay, Todd, what's the real story?
This was me.
I found the bacon.
Tandy caught me eating it,
he had a little bit, too, but...
this was all me.
(breaking down): Surprise, surprise.
The fat guy ate the bacon.
(crying): And I'm so sorry.
I'll never be able to forgive myself
because I lied to all of you,
and I lied to the woman that I love.
And I'll take whatever punishment
you guys think is fair.
I will.
Because I've been bad.
(fake crying): Nice try, Todd.
And it moves me that you tried to stick up
for me like that, but, guys, it was me!
Can it, Tandy.
Guys, who you gonna believe?
Him or me?
Hey, Tandy.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
But look, I know it was just about the bacon, so...
No.
No, it wasn't.
Thanks, bud.
Fist bump?
Bump. (chuckles)
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(horn honking)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH