1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,905
Previously
on The Last Man on Earth...
Carol... chose... me!

2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,674
(grunts)

3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:07,675
You need to be punished!

4
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:08,709
No.

5
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:09,577
I'm leaving Malibu.

6
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,978
Carol,

7
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,146
will you
come with me?

8
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,247
I'm pregnant, Phil.

9
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,850
What?

10
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,121
What did she say?
Not now.

11
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,357
I'm sorry, I didn't hear,
and Tandy won't...

12
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,359
She said she's pregnant.
I'm pregnant.

13
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:30,064
Wow. Um... congratulations.

14
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,402
Eri-Erica!

15
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,870
I think you've said enough
for one day.

16
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,874
Um, Phil,

17
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,244
I'm gonna have
to pass on your offer

18
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:46,780
to run away with you. So...

19
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,249
(quietly):
My God.

20
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,052
Whew, that did not go well
for you.

21
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:53,421
You
really blew it.

22
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,022
Talk about a face-plant, huh?
Okay,

23
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,058
that's enough.
Try to take my woman. Facial!

24
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,428
Facial express.
Tandy. Tandy. Stop it.

25
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,263
Burn.
Be the bigger man about this.

26
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:03,464
What?

27
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,465
It'll be fine.

28
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,366
I promise.

29
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,368
Erica,

30
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,970
I'm sorry
about what I said to Carol.

31
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,306
If I had known about
your situation, I would have...

32
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,574
never said that.
Oh,

33
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,309
so we're calling this
a situation?

34
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:17,711
No, no, no. Bad-bad choice
of words. I just...

35
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,247
Look,
we're in

36
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,714
this weird place right now.
Weird place?

37
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:23,817
Phil,
I'm having a frigging baby.

38
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,586
I think you'd
better leave now.
Gail,

39
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,921
please, this is
between me and Erica.

40
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,591
There is nothing between
you and Erica anymore.

41
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,327
You made that perfectly clear
when you confessed your love

42
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,763
to Carol not
five minutes ago.

43
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:37,565
I'm the father of her child.

44
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,167
Not anymore.
What?

45
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,502
Oh, it'll have a father.
Just not you.

46
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:44,305
The whole group
is gonna be the father.

47
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,940
Are we done here?

48
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,410
I'm not going anywhere
until I hear this from her.

49
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,413
(sighs)

50
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,782
Okay. I think I heard her say,
"We're done."

51
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,152
You have a nice day, you hear?
Erica...

52
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,653
Can you believe that guy?

53
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,989
He beats me up,
he tries to steal my wife

54
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,991
while he's got a bun
in Erica's oven.

55
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:06,026
What a friggin' dong.

56
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,362
Well, that's the dong
that's gonna get you back

57
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:09,630
into this community.

58
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:12,166
You should be kissing that dong.
Why should I

59
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,135
be kissing that dong? I should
be friggin' punching that dong.

60
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,471
Have you ever seen
those dogs with no back legs

61
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,873
so they give 'em the little
wheels to scoot around on?

62
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,710
It's the cutest thing ever,
right?

63
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,045
I'm not really seeing
the connection here.

64
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,881
People love wounded animals,

65
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,550
and that's you now.

66
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:32,353
Your face is like those crippled
little puppy legs,

67
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,687
and you just got

68
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,323
to roll around on the sidewalk

69
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,192
for a while to make everybody
feel sorry for you.

70
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:41,128
Sorry, Carol, no, okay?
If I want people to trust me,

71
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,130
I got to do this the right way,
okay?

72
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,132
And I'm not gonna play
the sympathy card.

73
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,000
(moaning loudly)

74
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,036
(moaning continues)

75
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,741
Good God.
(chuckles)

76
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,244
Somebody have, like, an aspirin
or a pain reducer

77
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,546
or, like, a-a time machine?

78
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,314
(chuckles)
As if.

79
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,549
(groans)

80
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,218
(panting, snarling)

81
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,986
(breathing rapidly)

82
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,389
It comes in waves.

83
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:11,024
Unfortunately,
it's high tide right now, but...

84
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,693
(sighs)
I'm fine though. I'm fine.

85
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,495
Can we just change the subject?

86
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,365
Look at him, not wanting
to talk about himself again.

87
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,832
Have you guys noticed that?

88
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,068
That eye does
look pretty grim.

89
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,772
Thanks, Melissa.
(chuckles)

90
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,510
So, Erica, have you thought
of any baby names yet?

91
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,078
No.
Well,

92
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:33,347
if you could just steer clear
of the name Yorbalinda,

93
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,782
I'd appreciate it.

94
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,684
Not a problem.

95
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,118
And also Beziqueel.

96
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,454
Won't be an issue.
You know,

97
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,790
I always hoped Yorbalinda
would be the first baby

98
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,258
of this new world.

99
00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:47,027
But Tandy and I won't be
far behind, and...

100
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,562
(groans)
and,
if I'm being honest,

101
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,764
getting to watch
you have a baby first

102
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,866
will really calm my nerves.

103
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,535
What a luxury for you.

104
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,737
(clears throat)

105
00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,474
Erica, can I, uh, talk
to you for a second?

106
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,775
Anything you have
to say to her,

107
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,911
you can say to the whole group.

108
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,414
Fine. I made something for you.

109
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,248
It's in the pool house.
I'd love to...

110
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,917
love to show it to you.

111
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,985
GAIL:
Yeah,

112
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,187
she won't be doing that.
So get along.

113
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:20,127
(scoffs)

114
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,562
(groans)

115
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,564
What a turd.

116
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,300
I think he's almost worse
than Tandy.

117
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,135
Seriously, Gail?

118
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,304
Almost worse than me?

119
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,139
Thank you.

120
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:37,044
*

121
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,588
Look at this guy.

122
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,790
Friggin' dip.

123
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:53,126
How does it feel
to be yesterday's news, huh?

124
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,262
And I'm the hot topic.

125
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,665
"This just in,
Phil's worse than Tandy.

126
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,266
Now over to the weather."

127
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,268
"Grey skies for that dong.

128
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,004
Clear skies in Tandyville.
Back to you, Bob."

129
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,440
"Thanks, Tabitha. In local news,

130
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:10,544
no one cares what's in your
friggin' house, you jagweed."

131
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:14,915
What's in your house,
you friggin' jagweed?

132
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:28,696
What are you doing in there,
you friggin' idiot, huh?

133
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:31,532
You practicing
your weak punches, pledging

134
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:34,301
your love
to other people's wives?

135
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,137
Sitting sadly amongst
a bunch of baby furniture

136
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,073
you made
for your unborn child?

137
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,043
No. I don't feel bad for you,

138
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:47,515
you friggin'
sad, sad man.

139
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,383
Who needs someone right now.

140
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,284
Oh, God.

141
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,722
Jerk.

142
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,729
Okay, so,
this is for you, Erica.

143
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,431
(gasps)
Aw.

144
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,666
Thanks, Carol.

145
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,568
I originally made it
for Yorbalinda,

146
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,069
but since your baby's
coming first,

147
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,538
I want you to have it.

148
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:13,273
Is this how big
a newborn's head is?

149
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:16,176
Well, a baby's head's
not flat like that.

150
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,712
It's big like a bowling ball
that's been waterlogged

151
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,748
after baking in the sun.

152
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:24,284
Crazy we can push something
like that out of us, huh?

153
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,087
Aw, man, we're pretty
amazing creatures, you and I.

154
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,524
And you, too, Gail,
if you got on board.

155
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,059
Drop it, Carol.

156
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,061
Hey, ladies, up here,
coming down the stairs.

157
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,096
Let me know if there's
anything in my way.

158
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,631
100% vision over here,

159
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,132
but this side is
real touch-and-go.

160
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,601
Well, is your eye
still smartin'?

161
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,069
Let me take a look at it.

162
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,106
Oh, it looks like
it's getting better.

163
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,207
You think so?
Uh-huh.

164
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,442
Yeah, let me check that out.

165
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:49,677
Huh.

166
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,549
(grunting)

167
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,451
Aah!

168
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:58,919
Huh, that's weird.

169
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,821
It looks about the same to me.

170
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,289
Maybe even worse.
Oh, yeah.

171
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,124
Must've been the lighting.

172
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,926
Like I said, uh,
comes in waves.

173
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,928
Hold on, Tandy.

174
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:10,464
Got a little ol' garter snake
in our midst.

175
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,099
(Phil 2 chuckles)

176
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,434
Well-well, I already
know the answer,

177
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:15,669
but I thought I'd ask anyways.

178
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:16,970
I'm making a supply run.

179
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,639
Anybody need anything?

180
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,478
Okay.

181
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:26,947
What a tool.

182
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,949
I mean, if he really
wanted to make amends,

183
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,251
he'd go get
in the stocks over there.

184
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,920
Yeah, it's do the crime,
do the time.

185
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,523
Not do the crime,
offer to get everybody supplies.

186
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,990
Tool.

187
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,026
Which is a shame,
because I'm jonesing

188
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,262
for some tortilla chips
in the worst way.

189
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,532
Yeah, I'm jonesing for some
stool softener in that same way.

190
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:47,701
Uh, you know, for, uh,
a friend, you know?

191
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,369
Okay.
Todd, he's
got some hard stool.

192
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:52,372
And, uh, I guess I got
to go pick that up

193
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,141
for him, uh, myself.

194
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,776
Okay, well, if you're
gonna go to the store,

195
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,145
would you mind picking me up
some tortilla chips?

196
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,379
Seriously, Gail?!

197
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,314
You-you would,
you would trust me

198
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,150
to get you tortilla chips?

199
00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,219
It's just tortilla chips.

200
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,521
Hey, Gail?

201
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:09,389
I'll get you those chips.

202
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,124
I mean, it-it's
no problem at all.

203
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,727
Seriously,
it-it would be an honor.

204
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:15,763
Okay.

205
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,571
TODD:
Don't see any chips.

206
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,539
Maybe this aisle.

207
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:29,009
Gail actually asked me to get
her tortilla chips, Todd.

208
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,178
Me! I didn't even
have to offer.

209
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,413
She just asked!
That's great,
Tandy.

210
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,348
I'm finally getting
some traction here.

211
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:38,752
Thank God for Phil beefing
it like that, huh?

212
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,821
Although, I got to admit,
I feel kind of bad for him.

213
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,189
Hey, if we hadn't have
pulled him off of you,

214
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,256
he might've killed you, Tandy.

215
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,758
Yeah, I guess so.

216
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,159
Oh, here's the chip
section right here.

217
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,160
Okay.

218
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,762
Whoa.

219
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,698
I didn't really give
myself enough clearance.

220
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,566
Okay, I guess I'll
use the sunroof here.

221
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,901
Well, do you want
to come out this side?

222
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,102
No, I want
to sunroof it!

223
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,169
Sunroof it.

224
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,371
All right.
You got it?

225
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,608
Already out.

226
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,578
Oh, wow, that's
a lot of chips.

227
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,246
Did she say which
kind she wanted?

228
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,414
Do you think it matters?

229
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:08,616
Well--
What am I saying?

230
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,783
Of course it matters.

231
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,451
Should we go
back and ask her?

232
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,386
Uh, yeah, Todd,
uh, let's do that.

233
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,422
"Uh, duh, hey,
excuse me, Gail.

234
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,924
Uh, what kind of chips
do you want?"

235
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,191
Oh, that'd be
a great way to start.

236
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,526
All right.
Come on, Todd.

237
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,261
I don't know.
What about these?

238
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,096
Scoops, Todd, really?!

239
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,632
She's not four years old.

240
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,299
Come on, think!

241
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,301
Oh, God!
You know what?

242
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,536
I'll just get them all.

243
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,271
Except for Scoops, Todd.

244
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,940
Whoa.

245
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,483
(sighs)

246
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,719
Oh, sorry, bud,
for throwing such a tizzy,

247
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,955
but, you know, the stakes
are really high here

248
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,589
and I'm just not myself.

249
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,124
Uh, it-it's okay.
Don't mention it.

250
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,260
I've been in a bit of
a funk myself, you know?

251
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,663
Hey, bud, spill the bean dip.

252
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,330
Chips aisle, boom.

253
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:58,632
Melissa stuff, you know?

254
00:09:58,666 --> 00:09:59,833
Everything's been super weird

255
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,401
since the whole bacon debacle.

256
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,103
She keeps saying she doesn't
want to have a baby.

257
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,772
And blah, blah, blah.

258
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,774
Well, hang in there,
'cause I know for a fact

259
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,475
that she's into
having babies, okay?

260
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,143
So just relax,

261
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,512
and this whole thing
will blow over.

262
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,447
How do you know that?

263
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,517
How do I know that?
Yeah, I guess I don't.

264
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,086
Uh, sorry I did--
you know,

265
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,453
I thought you were talking
about something else.

266
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,655
Tandy.

267
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,123
Tandy! Tandy?

268
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,458
Be honest with me, man.

269
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:30,831
Todd... honestly?

270
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,001
Tandy... be honest.

271
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,674
Pull!

272
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:43,811
Hey.

273
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,846
You have anything
you want to tell me?

274
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,515
No.
Nothing?

275
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:51,118
I got a surfboard today.

276
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,553
But nothing about you
and Tandy going to a park

277
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,555
to try to get his sperm
to fertilize your egg?

278
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,958
I mean, you told me
it was just about having sex.

279
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,393
Todd, you have to
understand the circumstances.

280
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:03,663
I feel like I'm gonna be sick
out of both ends.

281
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:06,700
I mean, you can have a baby
with a guy that you've known

282
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,635
for, like, three days,
but you can't have a baby

283
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,137
with the man you love?

284
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,539
Look, I came to my senses.
I changed my mind.

285
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:16,576
You don't just change your mind
about having a baby.
I did.

286
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:19,212
Well, don't you think you should
have told me about that?

287
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,749
I mean, it's a pretty big thing
to hide.

288
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,217
So is living a double life
in a frickin' bacon house.

289
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:26,754
I hid bacon from you!

290
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,555
Bacon!

291
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,858
What you did is much worse!

292
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,860
I guess
we can't trust each other.

293
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,995
I guess not.

294
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,031
Don't shoot!

295
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,367
Sorry. I thought you were...

296
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,336
Never mind.

297
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,772
(gun chamber clicks)

298
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:48,241
Oh! Thought these
would never get here.

299
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,744
Well, you thought wrong
'cause they did get here, huh?

300
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,246
So what do you want? Uh,
nacho cheese, mission style,

301
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,882
unsalted, extra salt?

302
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,284
Do you have any Scoops?

303
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,353
Scoops, huh? (laughs)

304
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,789
You like Scoops?

305
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,556
They're my favorite.
Oh.

306
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,025
(laughing)

307
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,426
I don't have any Scoops.

308
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,395
(laughs airily)

309
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,898
Okay, well, these'll work.

310
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,100
Okay, well, next time, you're
gonna get Scoops, okay?
Yup.

311
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,568
Gonna go take my wine
for a walk. Thanks, Tandy.

312
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,771
You're welcome, Gail.
I should be thanking you.

313
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:19,472
(laughing)
God.

314
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,009
Just remember--
the Tandy man can and will.

315
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,346
(laughs)

316
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,688
Do not feel sad for this turd.

317
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,003
Need a hand?

318
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:53,240
Get away from me.

319
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,342
Okay.

320
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:59,813
But, look, Phil, can I
offer you a little advice?

321
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:03,583
I know you don't want to
hear it from me, but, look,

322
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,686
I really think you should
get in those stocks.

323
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,255
(laughing)

324
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,590
You'd love that, wouldn't you?

325
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,625
Huh? Yeah.

326
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,095
Seeing me in those stocks, huh?

327
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,529
No, I wouldn't love it.

328
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,698
I'm-I'm trying
to help you here.

329
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,201
Well, I don't like you, okay?

330
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,604
And I don't trust you.

331
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:28,208
You are gonna regret this
if you don't do it.

332
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,844
You know what
my biggest regret is,

333
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,113
Tandy? Huh?

334
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:36,349
It's not breaking up
with Erica,

335
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:40,353
or-or... or confessing my love

336
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,123
to Carol. No.

337
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,525
My biggest regret

338
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,529
is that I saved you...
from the billboard.

339
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:53,901
Every day, I wish
I had left you up there

340
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,569
to die.

341
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,039
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do!

342
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,541
You know why?
Huh.

343
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:05,378
Because everybody's life
got worse

344
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,847
the day they met you.

345
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,031
I mean, this whole Phil
situation is just like

346
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,766
that movie When a Man Loves
a Woman. Okay, show of hands.

347
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,268
Who's seen it?

348
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,903
Anyone besides Peter?

349
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:32,039
Oh, man, you guys got to see it!

350
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,706
Oh, it's really good.

351
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,542
Meg Ryan's got this terrible
drinking problem,

352
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,544
and she won't accept help
from anyone.

353
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,612
But then, Andy Garcia comes in,
and he's all,

354
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,748
"Whoo-ah! No, I got
to help you with that.

355
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,917
"I-I don't want you
to have a drinking problem.

356
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:46,353
I'm gonna help ya.
I'm gonna help ya."

357
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,121
And then,
a bunch more words happen.

358
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:51,524
And then finally, Andy Garcia
has this huge orgasm sound,

359
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,393
and then Rob Reiner's mom
says, like,

360
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,395
"I'll have what he's having!"

361
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,796
(laughing)

362
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,365
Referring to Meg, I guess.

363
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,200
'Cause Meg was having
something delicious

364
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,702
next to Andy Garcia
as he's making the sound.

365
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,038
The bottom line--

366
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,440
Phil is Meg Ryan,

367
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:10,910
and I got to be
his Andy Garcia.

368
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,412
CAROL:
Hey, Erica, here's some more

369
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,115
baby stuff for you.
All of it says

370
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,285
something about being the first
child of the new world, so,

371
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:20,420
technically,
they're your property.

372
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,255
Thanks, Carol.
Hey, you know,

373
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,657
um, just out of curiosity,

374
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,328
how long were you and Phil
trying before you got pregnant?

375
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,897
Oh, we weren't trying.

376
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,967
Whoa! Unplanned pregnancy?

377
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,269
That's awesome!

378
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,771
Phil and I have been
trying for, like--

379
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:41,174
I don't know--
six months now?

380
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,776
And the only thing I have to
show for it are some rug burns

381
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:46,946
and a deeply-satisfied lover.

382
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,948
Six months? That long?

383
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,918
What? That's a long time?

384
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:55,822
N... No, I... No, I think
that's actually quite normal.

385
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,257
Yeah.

386
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,692
To-totally normal.

387
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,991
*

388
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,063
(sighs)

389
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,400
(sputters)

390
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,382
Phil?

391
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,719
(hinges creaking)

392
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:15,168
Todd?

393
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,071
Todd?
Hey, Tandy.
What's up, buddy?

394
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:21,341
Why are you sleeping
on the couch?
Uh, man, I don't
want to talk about it.

395
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,777
Okay, well, have you seen Phil?
He's out at the beach.

396
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:28,481
Well, what's he doing
on the beach?
I don't know.
The guy's a total frickin' mess.

397
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:37,557
Oh... farts.

398
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,100
Phil? Phil?

399
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,602
Wake up!

400
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,070
Oh, geez.

401
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,973
(grunting)

402
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,450
Okay, Phil, get up! Phil!

403
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:06,153
(shouting)
Phil! Phil! Phil!

404
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:09,522
Get up! Come on,
get up, bro! Phil!

405
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:15,395
Feel free to wake up at any time
and help me out.

406
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,430
Friggin' fart face.

407
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,098
Surfboard limousine is...

408
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,900
(strained voice):
open for business.

409
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,435
Oh.

410
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,672
There we go.
That's the culprit.

411
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,107
Friggin' surfboard fin.

412
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,311
Friggin' idiot fin here.
You seem loose enough.

413
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:40,953
You bring a surfboard fin,
I bring a gun.

414
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,702
(high-pitched):
Ah! I got it.

415
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,271
Oh, oh, slide it.

416
00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,839
(groaning)

417
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,175
Oh, hi, Phil's penis.

418
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:05,345
I know you didn't mean it, huh?

419
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:09,782
What you said about leaving me
up on that billboard.

420
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:13,353
You know, you were frontin',
I was frontin'.

421
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:17,190
We just got off track,
man, you know?

422
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:20,560
We were like two bullet trains
headed straight for each other.

423
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:23,029
There's that penis again.

424
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:26,666
Getting to know you
pretty well, sir. Oh!

425
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:30,903
It's just that, you know, every
time we got into our thing,

426
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:34,241
it was like an alpha dog park.

427
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:37,143
And the problem was,

428
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,678
we were both off leash.

429
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:42,048
I wish I was
a lot more like you.

430
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:45,685
Have you ever seen
When a Man Loves a Woman?

431
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:49,188
'Cause you are exactly like
Meg Ryan in that.

432
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,824
Here, I'm gonna give you
a taste of my Andy Garcia.

433
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,826
Whoo-ah!

434
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,496
I'm sorry I've been
a turd to you.

435
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,931
Ooh.

436
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,200
(grunting)

437
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:07,274
The thing you didn't realize is
that I looked up to you,

438
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,509
like, the whole time, huh?

439
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,411
You don't believe
that I've changed,

440
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,546
but I have.

441
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,548
When we wake up tomorrow,

442
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:18,217
it's gonna start
a whole new chapter for us.

443
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,956
Oh.

444
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,592
(whispering):
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

445
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:26,926
Just go back to bed.

446
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:31,097
Hey, we're not pregnant.

447
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,800
Oh, don't worry. Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.

448
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,569
Where were you?

449
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,070
Just out helping Phil.

450
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:41,374
That's nice.
Yeah, right.
Good night.

451
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:45,144
Good night.

452
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,414
PHIL 2 (shouting):
Tandy!

453
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,816
Is that Phil?

454
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:52,985
Probably just wants
to thank me.

455
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:54,554
Tandy!

456
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,990
All right, I'm gonna sleep
with this thing on.

457
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,593
Tandy!

458
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:05,465
Tandy! Tandy!

459
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:37,630
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

460
00:21:37,664 --> 00:21:39,031
(horn honking)

461
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,033
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org