1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,172
Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...
I had one brother.

2
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,973
CAROL:
You had a brother?
I didn't know that.

3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,008
Well, you try living
in a pod for three years

4
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:10,378
with nothing but
a bunch of worms, huh?

5
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,346
Captain Mike Miller,
signing off.

6
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,082
I can't believe
I didn't see you.

7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,184
We got to come up
with a name for you, huh?

8
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:17,451
Here goes nothing.

9
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,687
It's not looking good.

10
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,456
(screaming)

11
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,948
(distant screaming)

12
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,950
(whooshing sound)

13
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,985
(distant screaming continues)

14
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,657
(crashing)

15
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,095
*

16
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,299
MIKE:
Oh, farts!

17
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,801
Oh, farts. Oh... farts.

18
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,470
Oh, farts, farts, farts, farts.

19
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,272
Oh... farts!

20
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,307
(grunting, panting)

21
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,444
Oh, farts.

22
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,045
Yeah, I know
it's not a lifeboat, okay?!

23
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,413
It's the best I could do!

24
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,449
(metallic groaning)

25
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,553
(whoops)

26
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,488
Yeah!

27
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,956
Oh, we made it, Phil.

28
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:29,990
We made it.

29
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,825
We're okay.

30
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:34,395
Oh, we're going to be okay.

31
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,198
(exhales)

32
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:43,003
Okay, okay.

33
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,206
Next stop: land.

34
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:56,850
* In the twilight glow
I see you *

35
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,156
* Blue eyes cryin'

36
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,225
* In the rain

37
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,864
* When we kissed good-bye

38
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:14,202
* And parted

39
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:20,308
* I knew we'd never
meet again *

40
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:26,647
(fading):
* Love is like a dying...

41
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,657
We're gonna die here.

42
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,859
YOUNG BOY (mimics crying):
We're gonna die.

43
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,503
Phil, is that you?

44
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,904
You're so stupid,
you don't even know

45
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,574
your own brother,
you friggin' turd.

46
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,243
Wh-what are you doing here?

47
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:56,644
I missed you, Mike.

48
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,711
You're such
a good little sister.

49
00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:59,880
What is that red stuff in there?

50
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,682
(mocking):
"What is that red stuff
in there?"

51
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,217
It's Kool-Aid, you dip.

52
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,918
So I can drink it
while I'm floating.

53
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:05,919
You're so dumb.

54
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,221
You're so dumb.

55
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:08,489
Shut your butt.

56
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,491
I can't.
It's got a permanent hole.

57
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,092
You know what else
has a permanent hole in it?

58
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,327
Your head.

59
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,328
(scoffs)

60
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,363
Get it together.

61
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:16,364
You can't give up.

62
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,598
You just came from outer space,

63
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:18,766
you friggin' fartface.

64
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,933
Now, wake up.

65
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,748
*

66
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,223
Hey!

67
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,360
Hey, over here!

68
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,629
Over here!

69
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,197
Hello!

70
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,566
Hey!

71
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,574
(calling):
Hello!

72
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:03,311
Hello.

73
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,751
Oh.

74
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,119
(sniffing)

75
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:13,987
Mmm. Mmm.

76
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,624
(grunting)
Mmm. Mmm!

77
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,059
Mmm, mmm.

78
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,561
We're going to be okay.

79
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,463
We got a boat, we got...
we got... we got...

80
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,564
We got maps.

81
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,832
Hell, we got food.

82
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,434
You know what,
all we need now

83
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,001
is some clean underwear
and we'll be in great shape.

84
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,237
Bingo.

85
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,573
Oh, Phil.

86
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,809
May I present to you
the new and improved

87
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,110
Mike Miller.

88
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,746
(laughs)
What do you think?

89
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,582
You like my duds, bud?

90
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,451
(laughing)
What?

91
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:45,819
Oh, you want to see
a fashion show?

92
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,854
Yeah, sure, uh.

93
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,889
(humming techno beat)

94
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:53,861
Huh?

95
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:55,829
I think we could
get used to this, right?

96
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,399
I wouldn't get too
comfortable just yet.

97
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,839
MIKE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on, hold on, hold on!

98
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:08,275
Uh, whoa, uh, please,
don't, don't, don't,

99
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,643
don't, don't, don't,
don't shoot me, okay?

100
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,479
Or, uh, spear me, please.

101
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,713
Who the hell are you?

102
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,114
I'm, uh, an astronaut.

103
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,549
And I-I-I just came from space.

104
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:17,451
Were you exposed to the virus?

105
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,719
Uh...

106
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,153
Were you exposed to the virus?

107
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,055
No, no. I... like I said,
I-I've been in the

108
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,492
International Space Station
for the last three years.

109
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,960
I just splashed down to
Earth about three days ago.

110
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,161
I promise.

111
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,530
Haven't been to land?

112
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,632
No, no, no, no.
I-I-I found this, uh, uh,

113
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,200
water bike and I've
just been triking around

114
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,403
the last few days,
until I found your boat.

115
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,970
And, and I'm using, uh,
your shirt, I assume.

116
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,238
And your underwear.

117
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,640
And I-I-I had some,
uh, uh, some,

118
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,174
some crackers
and some of your water.

119
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:42,209
I apologize, but, uh,

120
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,745
I, I come in peace. I promise.

121
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,181
Okay.

122
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,984
I didn't mean to scare you.
(stammers)

123
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,387
You slip up just once, and...

124
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:54,755
You know?

125
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,390
(makes slicing noise)
Oh, yeah.

126
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,892
I can, I can imagine, yeah.

127
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,532
Pat Brown, last man on Earth.

128
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:06,567
Not anymore.

129
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:11,905
(chuckles)

130
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,407
So good.

131
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:15,008
Ah.

132
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:17,445
Skunky as hell, but just...
I love it, I don't care.

133
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:18,512
Beer,

134
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,514
she is a sweet, sweet mistress.

135
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,516
Yeah, she is, yeah.

136
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:26,353
So, Pat, you, uh,
you always been a seaman?

137
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,388
Uh, by that I mean, a sailor.

138
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,858
Not, you know, sperm.

139
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,626
No, I got, I got ya, I got...

140
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:35,362
No, I haven't, but you know,
since the virus hit,

141
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,630
I said, Pat,

142
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:39,132
what better excuse
to buy a boat?

143
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,469
So then you just
came out here, huh?

144
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,736
Oh, hightailed it.

145
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,538
Yeah, kept my distance.

146
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,073
Listened to the news

147
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,776
until there wasn't no more news
to listen to.

148
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,211
So you've been out here
the whole time, huh?

149
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,212
I go in and get what I need.

150
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,747
Grab essentials,

151
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,983
and burn rubber back here
to this little lady...

152
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,919
...Deez Knots.

153
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,253
MIKE:
Deez Knots, I get it.

154
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,222
Played my cards right.

155
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,291
That virus hasn't
taken me down, yet.

156
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,426
Maybe you're immune.

157
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,529
Nobody's immune, Mike.

158
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:16,436
You know, sometimes I'll...
I'll anchor offshore at night.

159
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,607
Big cities. Miami. New York.

160
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,141
New Orleans.

161
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:24,512
Not one light.

162
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,880
Pitch black.

163
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,719
Pitch black.

164
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,122
So a black hole is

165
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,157
actually not black?

166
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,359
Well, you know,
the accepted term now

167
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,028
is African-American hole.

168
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,500
No, they're... they're...
they're not, technically, black.

169
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,835
No, they're, you know,

170
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,670
it's actually the absence
of color.

171
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:52,773
Well, then, why don't they call
it "an absence of color" hole?

172
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,508
Yeah, that's a good point.

173
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,176
Okay, well, soup's on.

174
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,779
Uh, so what do we got?

175
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,180
What is this, uh,

176
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,381
it looks like yams or something?

177
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,216
Potatoes.
Oh.

178
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,119
Uh, well, there's a little, a
little rust from the can, but...

179
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,155
Uh-huh.
They taste good, though.

180
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,125
Okay.

181
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:15,696
Well, that's the best rust
I've ever tasted.

182
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:18,298
So where are you from, Spaceman?

183
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,201
Um, me, I'm, uh, from Arizona.

184
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,136
Leave a family behind?

185
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,338
Well, I never had
one of my own, no.

186
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:28,508
Uh, but my, you know, my parents
and my brother are in Tucson.

187
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,110
Were.

188
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,813
Yeah. Yeah, right, uh, were.

189
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,481
Yeah.
Yeah.

190
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,149
Um, what about you?

191
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,552
I had a family.

192
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,391
Uh, are you,
are you a Scotch guy?

193
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,727
Yeah, yeah, sure.

194
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,162
Well...

195
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,530
(sighs)

196
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,265
Whoa.

197
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,734
Are you kidding me?

198
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:56,870
Th... that's a bottle
of Macallan's 1939?

199
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,271
Yep.

200
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,708
This is a $10,000 bottle
of Scotch.

201
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,711
Yeah, I got a bunch of 'em.

202
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:06,013
(both laughing)

203
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,447
(both laughing)

204
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,250
What is up with this
crazy little guy?

205
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,752
He's making a break for it.

206
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:12,953
You talking about Phil?
Yeah.

207
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,387
My boy, Phil?

208
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,555
He's grabbed a hold of me.

209
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:16,857
He likes me.

210
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,558
(laughing)

211
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:24,732
So, Pat, you, uh, you heading in

212
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,767
to get supplies any time soon?

213
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,637
Uh, no, not really.

214
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,405
Just, I'm pretty stocked up now.

215
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,107
Mm.

216
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,877
Any way I could get you
to take me in there, maybe?

217
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,912
Why would you want to go
do something like that?

218
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,381
Like I said, you know,
I have a family, and...

219
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,482
You had a family.

220
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,917
You and I are alive.

221
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,552
That means other people
might have made it.

222
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,220
It might be genetic, you know,
there's a lot of very...

223
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,157
What part of pitch black
do you not understand?

224
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,925
I'd like to see it for myself.

225
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,265
Maybe I should show you
your quarters.

226
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,647
Hmm.

227
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,092
(startled yell)

228
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,094
Hey.
Huh?

229
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,361
Keep it down.

230
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,999
Yeah.

231
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,838
Oh, there's a very good chance
he's going to kill and eat me.

232
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,114
There he is.

233
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,817
Hi, Pat.

234
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:53,120
Oh, is my breath okay?

235
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,955
Am I being honest?

236
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,791
Oh, God, I'm sorry, Mike.

237
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,827
No need to get
self-conscious, buddy.

238
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,362
'Cause we're, uh,
we're good here.

239
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:04,364
Good.

240
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,901
'Cause I want to be good here.

241
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,342
Something I can
help you with, Pat?

242
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,811
You know, I've been thinking.

243
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,479
Mm-hmm.

244
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,548
And maybe we should go ashore.

245
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,985
Ye... yeah, that'd be great.

246
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,387
You get a chance to have
a peek-a-boo,

247
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,222
see that I'm talking
to you straight.

248
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,158
There's nothing in there
you want to get mixed up in.

249
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,659
Right.
Then we head back out here

250
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,996
for a serious margarita
or three.

251
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,664
Thank you.

252
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,499
Oh, one more thing.

253
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,169
If we are going to do this...

254
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,504
we're going to do it my way.

255
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,539
*

256
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,603
(crying)

257
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:17,905
Oh, my God,
I made it.

258
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,572
(sniffles):
I made it.

259
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,909
(crying):
I made it, I made it.

260
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,377
You done making love
to the ground, son?

261
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,246
'Cause we really need to hustle,
I don't like being on land

262
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,614
any longer than I have to.

263
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:30,217
No, I-I-I-I understand,
Pat, I, uh...

264
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,252
I can't believe...
I-I wish I could take off

265
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,554
these boots and just feel
the sand between my toes.

266
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,156
Well, I wouldn't risk
doing that, you know,

267
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,891
unless you want to get
the virus and then

268
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:41,761
seeing every hole of your body
evacuating blood and stool.

269
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,763
Every which way
from here till Sunday.

270
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,265
I'm talking every hole.

271
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,267
Nostrils, eyes, ears...

272
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,802
Yeah, loud and clear,
Pat, okay.
Mouth.

273
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,070
Butthole.
Yeah, you made
your point.

274
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,071
You know, peehole.

275
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,239
It's just amazing to be back

276
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,074
on this beautiful,
beautiful Earth.

277
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,108
I mean, look at th...

278
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,577
And that is a condom.
Oh.

279
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,912
That's what that is.

280
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,247
All right, moving.
Ay-ay-ay-ay.

281
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,816
Okay, yeah, oh.

282
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:12,325
(ice cream truck music plays)

283
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,097
MIKE:
So what was your, uh,
your top seller?

284
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,166
Choco Tacos.
Mmm.

285
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,434
Chipwiches. Fudgesicles.

286
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,337
You know, I was always
a chocolate banana man, myself.

287
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,941
Wow. Sigmund Freud, uh, he'd
have a field day with you, boy.

288
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,542
I bet he would.

289
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:34,181
(laughing): Because a banana's
a rough shape

290
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,183
of the male anatomy,
you know.

291
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,951
No, yeah, no,
I got all that, yeah.
Yeah.

292
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:40,020
Made that connection.
And chocolate
on it.

293
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,121
No, yeah.
On the banana.

294
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,123
Got that one, too. Yeah.
Oh, wow.

295
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,125
No, it was...
the joke wa... was...

296
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,459
was good as
it was, man.
Oh, well.

297
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,128
Didn't need that.
I-I got you.

298
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,163
(music continues playing)

299
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,404
It's just so... quiet.

300
00:13:57,437 --> 00:14:00,240
It's going to sound weird,
but I...

301
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:04,144
I miss the noise, you know?

302
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:08,481
The sounds of cars driving,
and horns honking.

303
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,051
People talking, laughing,
radios, like, just...

304
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,420
It's so empty.

305
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:17,324
I mean,
where are all the bodies?

306
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,359
You want to see bodies,
Spaceman?

307
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,263
I'll show you bodies.

308
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:30,470
There were big emergency staging
areas like this in every city.

309
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,541
Most people died
in their own homes.

310
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,609
Well, at least they
were around loved ones.

311
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:38,245
That's not a
horrible way to go.

312
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,679
If you like
coughing up blood

313
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,181
and oozing brain goo
out your ears.

314
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,449
Sure.

315
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,917
Every hole.
Mm-hmm.

316
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,118
Nostrils...

317
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,119
Oh, you don't
have to...

318
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,520
Mouth.
Yeah, right.

319
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,855
Butthole.
Here we go again,
okay.

320
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,856
Peehole.

321
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,458
No, I-I-I get you, Pat.

322
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,026
I'm good on all the holes.

323
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,928
I-I understand the visual,
thank you.

324
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,529
If you didn't
stay home,

325
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,865
you ended up in
places like this.

326
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,268
Although sometimes
you run into a straggler

327
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,104
who ended up neither
here nor there.

328
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:09,876
And one time, I saw a bag
of bones wearing a bikini.

329
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,944
I'm so sorry.

330
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,412
That must have been awful.

331
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,114
Well, I ain't gonna lie to you.

332
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:17,750
The sight of a bikini
still does it for me.

333
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,252
Skin or no.

334
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:23,290
Yeah, I'm more of a
skin guy, myself.

335
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,993
Different strokes.

336
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,098
So...

337
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,633
still think your family's alive?

338
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,840
Let's get the hell
out of here.

339
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,278
Oh, uh, uh
now I got you here.

340
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:48,148
There is one thing
I've been really itching to do.

341
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:01,828
(yells)
Forty-love!

342
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,663
Get in the game.

343
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,833
Ace!

344
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,502
Ace!

345
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,970
I wasn't even set.

346
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,005
What do you mean?
You got to be

347
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,173
on your toes, man.

348
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,541
You got to be
on your toes.

349
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,209
That's game.

350
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,977
You owe me
a Lamborghini.

351
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,446
(whoops, laughing)

352
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,713
(ice cream truck music plays)

353
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:23,283
You a cookie guy?

354
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,386
I got some great cookies
back in the boat.

355
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,456
I mean they're, you know,
they're three years old,

356
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,690
but they're still good.

357
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:31,858
Uh, y... you know,
I used to date

358
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,661
this Italian girl,
Antonella.

359
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,729
She turned me on to them--
biscottis.

360
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,666
You know, they're stale,
but on purpose.

361
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:40,700
Hard as a brick.

362
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,170
So was her backside.

363
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,004
I di... well... oh.

364
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,673
(tires squeal)
Okay, hold on here.

365
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,875
What are you doing?
Got to do a
little detour here.

366
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,144
Just got to go back.
I can see the boat from here.

367
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,245
Just-just trust me.

368
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:53,846
This is a much
better way, man.

369
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,848
Whoa, whoa, hey,
whoa, whoa, what is that?
What?

370
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,518
Th-that billboard up there.
What billboard?

371
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,687
What are you doing?
Will you slow down?
All right, no problem.

372
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:04,257
Stop the...
Hey! (grunts)

373
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:05,992
(tires squeal)

374
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,195
Gah...

375
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,230
There's nothing to see!

376
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:12,499
Oh, oh, my God.

377
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,833
Hey!

378
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,402
Look at that, you see that?
Look!

379
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,337
Alive in Tucson.

380
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,338
That's where I'm from.

381
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,107
That's... I'm from Tucson.

382
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,508
Well, I mean
that's where my family...

383
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,276
(grunts)

384
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:26,213
You should have stayed
in the truck, bud.

385
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,388
YOUNG TANDY:
Oh, my God, not again.

386
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,557
You are so stupid.

387
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,726
There's only, like,
one other dude,

388
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,362
and you let him
hit you with a wrench.

389
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:46,133
You beefed it so hard.
You beefed it.

390
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,768
I'm not the one lying
in the middle of the street.

391
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,271
Now get up, fartface.

392
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,706
Come on, you flippin' turd.

393
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:54,741
I can't get up, Phil.

394
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,075
I can't move.

395
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,744
Well, if you're just
going to quit,

396
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,380
then I'm going
to pee on you.
What?

397
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,748
'Cause that's what
happens to quitters.

398
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,483
They get peed on.

399
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,452
Well, go for it. See if I care.

400
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,787
I'm wearing a friggin'
hazmat suit, you dong.

401
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,456
Fine. Here I go.

402
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:10,823
No, please, don't,
don't, don't, don't.

403
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,592
Don't look at my ween,
you pervert.

404
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,561
I'm not looking
at your ween.
Three.

405
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,095
Please, just don't do it,
Phil, okay?

406
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,631
Two.
(crying):
Please, don't. Stop.

407
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,400
One.

408
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,901
(Young Tandy laughing)

409
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,003
PAT:
* Washing clean,
bleaching clean *

410
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,873
* Virus go away, virus...

411
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,576
Hi, Mike.

412
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:30,910
What did you do?

413
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,912
I hit you in the head
with a wrench.

414
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,946
You're welcome, by the way.

415
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,182
I saved your your life.

416
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,516
You know, you don't want
to go to Tucson.

417
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,084
And if you think about it,

418
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,187
who would want to go there?

419
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,988
Well, I'll tell you who...
the government.

420
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,490
It's a big booby trap.

421
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:46,193
The whole city's
a giant crematorium.

422
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,328
They're just waiting
for the signal to rebuild.

423
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,762
So that all those people
who are living

424
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,464
in the government bunkers
can come out.

425
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,266
Yeah? Well, you're going
to have to shoot me,

426
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,467
'cause I'm going.

427
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,669
Okay, all... then I will.

428
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,972
I-I've really enjoyed
our time together,

429
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,107
but I will shoot you.

430
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,275
Fine.

431
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:03,476
Just lay back down, look,

432
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,844
hey, I got to get your backside,

433
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,113
so just turn over.

434
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,115
Oh, you laid in something.

435
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,251
It's like virus.

436
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,490
(grunting)
Hey.

437
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,927
(groaning)

438
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,996
(grunting)

439
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,166
(thud)

440
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,437
Sorry, buddy.

441
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,343
Is that a rip?

442
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:43,216
Damn it!

443
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:46,219
(frustrated crying)

444
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,888
(crying)

445
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,594
Sorry, bud.

446
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,529
You had a good run.

447
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,768
(rustling)

448
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,042
(zipper opening)

449
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,089
R-I-P Spaceman.

450
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,892
Cause of death:
the "goverment."

451
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,396
Almost got it right.

452
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,666
(laughs softly)

453
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,937
*

454
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,073
(siren wailing)

455
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,645
* When I get off
of this mountain *

456
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,614
* You know where I want to go

457
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,218
* Straight down
the Mississippi River *

458
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,421
* To the Gulf of Mexico

459
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,391
* To Lake Charles, Louisiana

460
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,960
* Little Bessie,
girl that I once knew... *

461
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:05,965
Do you like tennis?

462
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:10,570
* Up on Cripple Creek,
she sends me *

463
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,973
* If I spring a leak,
she mends me *

464
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,742
* I don't have to speak

465
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,176
* 'Cause she defends me

466
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:21,781
* A drunkard's dream
if I ever did see one *

467
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,453
* Good luck had just stung me

468
00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:31,257
* To the race track I did go

469
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:34,026
* She bet on one horse to win

470
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:35,995
* And I bet on another
to show... *

471
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,497
CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

472
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:39,031
(horn honking)

473
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:41,033
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH