♪
Man (Over loudspeaker): Hello?
Hello?
Hola?
Bonjour?
Chinese hello?
Hello?
(Screaming)
♪
Home, sweet home.
♪
♪ I think I'm sophisticated
♪ 'cause I'm living my life
♪ like a good homo sapien
♪ but all around me
♪ everybody's multiplying
♪ and they're walking around like flies, man ♪
♪ So I'm no better
♪ than the animals sitting in the cages in the zoo, man ♪
♪ 'Cause compared to the flowers ♪
♪ And the birds and the trees
♪ I am an ape man
♪ I'm an ape man
♪ I'm an ape ape man
♪ oh, I'm an ape man
♪ I'm a king Kong man
♪ I'm an ape ape man
♪ oh, I'm an ape man
♪ come on and love me
♪ be my ape man girl
♪ and we'll be so happy
♪ in my ape man world
♪ I'm an ape man
♪ I'm an ape ape man
♪ oh, I'm an ape man
♪ I'm a king Kong man
♪ I'm a voodoo man
♪ oh, I'm an ape man
♪ just like an ape man.
Boop.
(Sighs)
Hello, God.
First of all, uh, apologies
for all the recent masturbation,
but I got to say, that's kind of on you.
So I just got back from traveling around the country,
looking for anyone who might have survived the virus.
Uh, put up a bunch of signs all over the place,
saying that I'm here in Tucson.
So, uh, you know, who knows?
And it's not all bad.
I mean, in the old world,
I could never live in a house like this.
And these are Hugh Hefner's actual pajamas.
Yeah. (Chuckles)
I washed them.
There are some drawbacks.
(Laughs): I know you know that.
The whole women situation is...
The craps.
If you could send some my way...
Or one my way.
Oh, one more thing.
If you could please send
a special thank-you to the previous owner of my new house.
Just let him know I'm gonna take
real good care of this place.
(Lever clanks)
(Rattling)
(Whispering): Fixing the toilet.
Fixing the toilet. Fixing the toilet.
(Flushes)
(Car alarm chirps outside)
♪
Salud.
That's a $10,000 bottle of wine, by the way.
Goes great with the spaghettios.
That was, like, a $400 sip.
Not as good.
♪
♪ Sun, shine on me today...
Aw, split.
♪ Sun, dry my tears away
♪ how I need your warm embrace
♪ to shine upon my crying face
♪ sun, shine on me today
♪ sun, give me a little light... ♪
(Tires screeching)
♪ Take me out of this darkened night ♪
♪ You know what a little light can do ♪
♪ You change the sky from black to blue ♪
♪ Sun, shine on me today
♪ sunshine
♪ come on, sunshine
♪ let me have one of your rays
♪ just one
♪ only one... Oh, left, left!
Left, left, left, left!
♪ To get this started
♪ on my way.
Straighten, straighten, straighten! Straight...
Ha!
Oh, yes!
Yes!
(Whooping)
(Exhales)
(Motor running)
No way. No way!
That would never happen!
Tom Hanks (Over TV): That's all that's left.
That is so stupid.
I got news for you, Tom Hanks.
I will never, ever talk to a volleyball.
No, we have time. We do!
- We have time. - Not buying it!
Balls aren't people, dude!
I know.
Balls are for fun.
♪
Hey! Okay, I get it!
Nobody's coming!
You're not giving me anybody.
Well, guess what.
I don't even care!
I don't need people. Okay?
I can make it work on my own.
Watch me! Watch me!
Hey, Phil, what's up?
Oh, I'm great, Phil. How are you?
Oh, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for asking.
See? I'm already doing it.
Ha!
I don't need people.
I'm gonna be just fine.
Morning, Phil.
How are you, Phil?
Fine, Phil, how are you, Phil?
(Cans and bottles clanking)
♪
♪ Take the jib, sail down, boys ♪
♪ Take the jib, sail down
♪ turn this ship around, boys
♪ before we run aground
♪ the fish aren't biting today, boys ♪
♪ Fish aren't biting today
♪ gonna lay on my bunk and get drunk as a skunk ♪
♪ Oh, the fish aren't biting today ♪
♪ There's six-foot waves and my stomach craves ♪
♪ Some good old Antiguan rum
♪ I put some away for a rainy day ♪
♪ And the rain she is starting to come now ♪
♪ The fish aren't biting today, boys ♪
♪ The fish aren't biting today
♪ gonna lay in my bunk and get drunk as a skunk ♪
♪ 'Cause the fish aren't biting today. ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bah-bah
♪ bah
♪ bah-ah-ah
♪ bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah...
Phil: Hey, what's up?
Just had to get out of the house; It's been a rough day.
Hey, I'm gonna have a whiskey.
You want a whiskey, Gary? Whiskey?
You sure? How about you, Jimmy?
No? Okay, well, does anyone want a whiskey, huh?
Greg?
Kevin?
Antawn?
No? Really? Nobody?
Trevor?
Terrence?
Trent? Darby?
Bryce? Marshall?
Peter?
Thomas? Max?
Dashiel?
Diego? Clementine?
Nobody wants a whiskey?!
Okay, well, more for me.
Jerry, now, you look like you lost a little weight.
What, are you exercising, skipping carbs?
Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up.
Okay. Cheersies.
I miss breakfast burritos.
Getting mail.
Skinny jeans on dudes.
Just kidding. Skinny jeans on dudes suck.
People.
And women.
Oh, my God, women.
Oh, I would give anything to see another woman again.
I would, I would never complain about anything ever again...
If I just got to see one more woman.
Hey.
Gary, you want to come hang at my place tonight?
I mean... sh-shut up, guys.
That's really homophobic, Bryce.
Even for you.
That's her.
Well, I don't know her name.
I've never talked to her.
(Laughs): No, Gary, come on!
What would I say?
I'm so bad in these situations.
There is nothing
you can say that would convince me to go talk to her, okay?
That's a pretty convincing argument.
Don't honk the horn.
Windows, right?
(Chuckles)
Uh, my friend Gary dared me to come say hi to you.
He's in the truck, the white fella.
Uh, so, anyway, hello, I guess.
(Chuckles)
Actually, I saw you a long time ago,
and I always wanted to come say hi,
but, well, I don't know, I just, uh...
It never felt like the right time.
I like your outfit.
You make good style choices.
(Laughs): Sorry, I-I'm being so...
Forward.
It's just, I've been through a lot lately.
I just realized that having
other people around is really what makes life worth living.
Where are my manners?
I'm Phil.
You win.
Well, in about two minutes,
we will lay to rest Phil Miller.
Uh...
I'm sorry for giving up.
Oh, and I just got to say,
huge apology to Tom Hanks and the whole crew
that put together castaway.
'Cause they nailed it.
They friggin' nailed it.
You guys were
the best friends that I could ask for.
But you're not people.
You're not people.
(Engine starts)
(Engine revving)
♪
(Sniffs)
(Clears throat)
Hello! Hello!
Are you okay?
Um...
Uh... I think so.
Wh-where'd you get here? What happened?
I saw all your billboards.
I can't believe you found me!
I... I thought I was...
Your voice is like...
It's like music to my ears.
May I sing to you?
Yeah, I would love that.
♪ If there's something strange
♪ in your neighborhood
♪ who you gonna call?
Both: ♪ Ghostbusters
(humming)
♪ I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Is this a dream? (Laughs)
This is very, very real.
(Chuckles) What are you, uh...?
Like to plug that nose up?
What? What's going...?
(Grunting)
(Both scream)
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I was doing mouth to mouth.
Where did that wo-wo-woman go?!
You passed out, you wet your underpants.
I thought you were dying.
I did not wet my underpants, okay?
They're... oh, they're wet. Ew!
Super wet. But that was
from something else before.
I-I was-was, uh,
swimming the front, the... the front side.
Okay, I just thought that you were in trouble...
Well, you thought wrong!
That was from something else before, I told you!
- I'm not accusing you... - I'm not saying you're accusing me!
- I'm telling you they were wet before. - Okay, okay! Oh, gosh!
- Okay, back up! Back up! - Okay, whoa, whoa,
- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Put your hands where I can see them!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay... - Hands where I can see them!
- Okay, okay. - Drop my bra.
Okay, okay, okay.
No!
Drop it!
Gross.
- Are you nice? - What?
Are you a nice person?!
Okay, yes, yes! I'm really nice!
I'm very, very, very nice!
I'm so nice, seriously. I promise you.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
- Nothing of which to be afraid. - But I just said that.
You can't end sentences with prepositions!
"Nothing of which to be afraid" is the proper grammar!
Fine, yes, okay.
- There's nothing of which... - Yes.
Huh?
- That's better. - Good with that?
Of which to be afraid, okay?
- Mm-hmm. - Huh?
You can trust me, seriously.
Honestly? I did wet my underpants.
They were totally dry before I soaked them.
- I soaked them. - Why did you lie to me?
'Cause I'm an adult and I wet my underpants.
Are you the one who put up all those "alive in Tucson" signs?
Yes! Yes! That was me.
That was me. I did that. Look.
I am so sorry.
I haven't seen another human being in, like, two years.
And I was literally
about to kill myself five minutes ago.
I'm harmless, okay?
Why don't you put that gun away?
What do you need that gun out for?
Don't you mean "out for what do you need that gun"?
Okay, that can't be right.
- It is. - No, come on.
No, no, no! You don't have to cock that thing!
Fine. Look.
Out for what do you need that gun?
Huh?
Come on.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Why don't you put that thing away?
There you go.
I'm a quick draw.
So watch yourself.
Thank you, thank you.
Can we start over?
Yeah, okay.
Phil Miller.
Last man on earth.
Carol Pilbasian.
Last woman on earth.
♪ Amen
♪ amen
♪ amen, amen...
Carol: Oh, makes my mouth water just thinking about those.
Then in Tampa, I scored, ah, just a ton of radishes.
You wouldn't think Florida for radishes,
but they are absolutely chockablock.
They say if you can't find a radish in Tampa,
just walk five feet.
(Chuckles): They're abundant.
Oh, God, how long have I been talking?
Uh, like, you know, 45 minutes.
It's fine, it's fine.
I am so sorry.
I must have all this conversation
that's just been waiting to get out inside of me.
Yeah.
(Sputters, chuckles)
Well, it's all coming out now, right?
Flowing. (Chuckles)
So, wh-what about you?
Um, what did you do for a job?
I was a temp.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How old are you?
I'm 41.
Oh.
Okay.
(Chuckles): Well, you know,
it's not something I'm super-proud of.
You mean not something of which you are super-proud.
- Yeah. - Mmhmm.
Were you an English teacher?
No, I was an office manager
at a hot sauce bottling company.
Sounds like a spicy job.
No, it... I didn't work with the spices.
I was filing.
(Chuckles)
Cheers.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
(Makes clinking noise)
I want to protect the ceramic.
Noted.
And you have to make eye contact, or it won't come true.
Oh, okay.
- Well, let's try it again. - Okay.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
(Makes clinking noise)
(Laughs)
Uh, oh.
That was a stop sign.
Y-yeah, it was.
You just went right through it.
Uh, y-yes, I did.
Well, could you do me a flavor and stop at the next one?
Carol, stop signs are there to mediate traffic.
And traffic doesn't exist anymore,
so essentially stop signs don't either.
Yeah, except that they do.
And I'd rather you stopped at them.
Oh, here's one. Here's one.
- Here's one. - Okay, okay, okay.
Stopping.
Looking both ways.
And moving on.
Here we go.
I'm gonna ease into it.
Feel better?
Thank you, Phil.
Yeah.
I can't wait to see your house.
They say a person's home is a reflection of their soul.
So this is my toilet pool.
Mmm.
And here's my garbage pool.
And, uh, this is my Margarita pool.
Carol: You swim in that?
Well, I swim in it, I drink out of it.
There's really no wrong way to use a Margarita pool,
you know what I mean?
Work your way through here.
Sorry, it's kind of messy right now.
What a collection of cans.
Oh, where'd you get all these paintings?
You know, I took them from, uh...
Various museums.
I got some van Goghs and Monets.
In that pile alone, there's, like,
a billion dollars worth of famous paintings.
So you stole all these paintings?
What? No. No.
Plus, I take very good care of this stuff... oh, shoot.
Uh, I'd better dry this baby off.
There we go.
Dry as new.
Sorry, Rembrandt.
Phil, what are these?
Uh...
And those and those and that?
They are... magazines.
Oh. What kind of magazines?
Well, they are...
Masturbatory magazines.
Okay. Okay.
What?
Is there, uh... Something wrong?
You know, I'm just trying not to judge the book by its cover.
And-and what book are you referring to, Carol?
The book to which I'm referring
is called Phil Miller.
Sounds like a good book.
It's the story of a man with a brothel of a home
and a pool filled with human excrement.
Carol, there is no running water.
Did you ever try to fix that?
I did fix it. With a toilet pool.
- Mmm. - You probably would have done
the exact same thing.
Oh, no, I know that I wouldn't have.
Because I'm not an animal.
Oh, so I'm an animal now?
Okay, thank you.
I'm just saying
that if you diverted a small percentage
of your masturbation energy
towards fixing the water problem,
you might be going potty in a toilet right now.
Maybe we should get you back to that campsite.
Look, I know you've been through a hard time...
We both have...
But I'm gonna help you get your life back together.
Well, I am looking forward to that.
Good first day.
Great first day.
- See you Tom... - (Tires screeching)
(Cans clattering)
Carol?
What are you doing in here?
Good morning!
Remember how I said
your home was a reflection of your soul?
Well, I'm cleaning up your soul.
Well, uh, next time you want to clean up my soul,
could you please give me
a little advanced notice beforehand?
- Of course. - Yeah.
- Sorry. - Okay. (Laughs)
Uh, here, I'll just put it back the way you had it.
That'd be great.
Whoa, whoa, wait!
Now, no, no, no!
Be gentle! Carol, Carol!
Watch out for my Jenga tower, okay?
I spent a lot of time on that.
Oh, and you think that's time well spent, Phil?
Yes, I do.
Phil, you can't just be playing
with your Yenga all day.
We have work to do.
I need gardening supplies, you need cleaning supplies.
We're going to the store.
No, we're n...
Carol: Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Phil: What now?
(Carol scoffs)
This is a handicapped parking spot.
Okay, Carol.
We're the last two people on earth.
If by some tiny chance
a handicapped person happens to be driving through Tucson
and makes a beeline for this hardware store,
they can park right over there,
which is even closer to the store.
That's not a parking spot.
That is a spot, Carol!
No, it's not a spot.
And that is a parking spot...
- No. - And that is a parking spot.
Look all around you.
Everything you see right now is a parking spot.
You're a parking spot.
Yes, I am!
Now you're getting it.
The whole freaking world is a parking spot now.
It's one of the only benefits of our situation.
In fact, you know what?
I want to park a little closer...
I want to park a little closer.
Carol: What are you doing?
Phil: Getting a closer parking spot.
This spot feels right to me.
This feels good.
So that's it, huh?
You don't care about rules or laws anymore?
What's next?
You gonna burn down a church?
Carol, I would never burn down a church.
- Why? - It's a church!
And this is a store, and that is a handicapped parking spot!
Fine.
Phil: So, uh, guess who's not the last person on earth anymore.
It should be the best day of my life, right?
I mean, you guys know how horny I've been.
Just so, so, so, so, so horny.
Just next-level horny.
But this woman is just a turd.
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Maybe I'm being too harsh.
At times she's almost kind of cute.
Then she opens her mouth, and it just sucks.
What a turd. Eight ball, corner pocket.
Ugh!
"Ooh, I want to fix you, Phil."
That's what she said to me.
I'm a work in progress, sure,
but I've progressed to the point where it's...
I'm very close, I'm very close.
Eight ball, corner pocket. (Groans)
Bottom line, and I can't believe I'm saying this,
I think I need a little space.
(Gargles)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Carol, Carol.
Carol, Carol, Carol?
- Yeah. - What are you doing?
Huh? I'm moving in next door.
- Carol... - Yeah.
There are, no exaggeration,
all the houses in the world to choose from.
Okay, why does it have to be the house right next door to mine?
What's wrong?
Do you do weird stuff in your house
that you don't want me to see?
I... no, I do not do weird stuff.
I do normal stuff.
But I'd like to do that normal stuff in private.
Are you afraid I'm gonna see you naked?
(Chuckles)
Does this answer your question?
Do you want me to look at it? Hello.
- No! No, Carol. - What do you say, little guy?
Is this what you want? I'm looking right at it.
- Carol, stop this. - Ooh.
- Don't be scared. - Come on, Carol.
Carol.
Look, I'll choose a different house,
but I'm staying in this neighborhood.
All right.
How much longer are we gonna dance around this?
Dance around what?
The reason we both survived... our purpose.
We were chosen.
W-would you just say what you're trying to say?
Repopulation, you dumb donkey!
Something we have to do!
Together!
Carol, no disrespect here,
but have you ever heard the phrase,
"I wouldn't have sex with you
if you were the last person on earth"?
You think I want to repopulate with you?
Oh, I would rather eat a cat.
And I love cats.
(Voice breaking): And the thought of killing a cat
and then eating its little furry body,
like, that's how I feel about making love to you.
So we're done here, then?
Oh, not by a long shot.
The fate of the human race is depending on us.
You may hide behind that rat's nest of a beard of yours
and pretend that you don't care about anything,
but I know that deep down inside of you,
there is a nice-smelling person who actually gives a hoot,
and I am not giving up until I find him!
Well, good luck with that, Carol.
I'm gonna find him!
You're a great guy, Phil!
Somewhere in there!
Hidden.
Far away.
Hi, Phil.
Carol!
Geez! Can I get a little privacy here?!
Oh, definitely... if you used your inside toilet.
What part of "no running water" do you not understand?
All of it.
(Chuckles): I mean, look at what you're doing, Phil.
Carol, this works for me.
The fact that it doesn't work for you is not my problem.
I just want to live like a human being again.
I want to take a shower.
I want to water my garden.
I want our kids to have fresh fruits and vegetables.
Our kids?!
Yes. Carol,
I am definitely not having kids with you.
Fine, I want fresh fruits and vegetables.
Don't you want that?
I honestly don't care.
Suit yourself.
Whoa...
(Gasps) Mmm.
What is that?
Oh.
This to-mah-to?
Carol, just say "tomato."
Phil, some people say "to-mah-to."
I'm one of those people.
Of course you are.
Now, I grew this personally, and I would love to grow more,
but I need help getting water to my garden.
Are you in? Are you out?
Oh, I'm definitely out.
I was never even close to being in.
In any way.
All right.
But those that don't help don't eat.
- Bye. - Mmm...
Mmm...
- Mmm. - Yeah. Looks... disgusting.
Mm-mm-mm!
Oh, so juicy!
Oh!
- (Metal clanging) - Carol: Ah!
Ah!
Son of a bee sting!
(Hammer clanging)
(Manhole cover dragging on asphalt)
Carol (Outside): Ah! That really hurt!
(Sighs)
♪
You enjoy those to-mah-toes, Phil?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You stole my to-mah-toes, Phil.
Did not.
You stole my to-mah-toes
and you left poop in my garden.
Must've been a raccoon.
You're a terrorist.
What happened to your foot?
I dropped the manhole cover on it.
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I'm fine.
- (Metal clanging) - Carol: Ah!
Carol (Outside): Son of a bee sting!
(Manhole cover thuds)
Ah!
(Metal clanging)
You win, manhole!
Carol, what are you doing?
What does it look like?
It looks like you're making a toilet fountain.
Bingo.
And you'll be happy to hear
I've given up on the water project.
And everything else, too.
Are-are your pants on?
For now.
Look, wh... what are you talking about?
- I can't even raise a to-mah-to. - Tomato.
What makes me think I could ever give birth
to a whole new civilization?
Carol, I think you're overreacting a little.
Look, you're off the hook.
I was wrong about our purpose.
We weren't chosen.
We were forgotten.
Carol, it's just a stupid garden.
Yeah.
It's also a parking spot.
(Sighs)
I really do have to go.
Like, bad.
♪
♪ I'm gonna tell you a story... ♪
Damn it!
♪ It's all about my town
♪ yeah, down by the river damn it!
♪ Down by the banks damn it!
♪ Of the river Charles
- ♪ aw, that's what's happening, baby... ♪ - Damn it!
Ah! Damn it!
♪ That's where you'll find me... ♪
(Gasps)
♪ Along with lovers damn it!
♪ Buggers and thieves oh!
- ♪ Aw, but they're cool people oh! - Ah!
♪ But I love that dirty water
♪ oh, Boston, you're my home
- ♪ oh, you're the number one place... ♪ - Damn it!
Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Damn it!
You've been tamed, sir.
♪ Well, I love that dirty water... ♪
Damn it!
♪ Baby
♪ love that dirty water
- ♪ love that dirty water - Phil: Ah!
- ♪ Love that dirty... - Damn it!
(Knocking)
Carol.
Hello, Phil.
- How's the foot? - Not great.
- How's the toilet fountain? - Full.
Ah, geez, Carol.
Could you come with me for a minute?
You know anything about this?
Nope.
Can't help you.
Really?
No. Carol, I mean, look at this thing.
Whoever did this would've had to
stay up all night
and go research water systems at a library
and then put all this stuff together.
Do I look like somebody who could do something like that?
Y-you're right. Couldn't have been you.
Hey. You want to come over for dinner tonight?
Yeah. I'd like that.
Okay.
Well, see you.
Hey, uh, Carol?
You know I did this, right?
Yeah, I know, Phil.
It was... a lot of work and it took all night
and I had to go to a library and read a bunch of crap.
Yeah, it's very, very obvious it was you who did it.
Feels good, I'll admit.
It feels good to be so selfless.
Anyway, we can talk more about it
at dinner.
Okay.
I have a feeling we're gonna remember
what I did here today for a long time.
And that's cool.
There's a fork, if... If you need it.
Oh.
I'm good.
This is really nice.
Mmm, I know.
You showed a lot of chutzpah today, Phil.
And it made me
think that maybe God does want us to lay together.
- Okay. - Oh.
I've been really horny, so...
Well, that's nice.
I should probably go wash my balls first.
- Mmm! - Meet you back here in five?
Want to knock it out? (Laughs)
No.
Wait, I don't... What do you mean?
I'm not gonna have sex with you unless we're married.
(Laughing)
Oh, it's nice to see you smile.
That is your first really good joke.
That's very funny.
Phil, I'm not kidding.
We have to be married first.
You're serious.
- Yes. - Oh.
Then, no.
Phil, we can't...
Absolute no.
Why not?
Wh... what do you mean, "why not?"
Why?
The first child of this new world is not gonna be a bastard.
Yeah, 'cause it's not gonna exist,
'cause I'm not gonna marry you.
Then you're the bastard.
Fine, I'm the bastard.
And good-bye human race.
(Chuckles) Thank you for dinner.
I am going to go back to my house...
Right.
Think about how crazy you are.
Okay.
Enjoy those... You are being serious?!
Yes.
Why do you have to be married?
It-it doesn't mean anything anymore.
It means something to me, Phil.
Well, it doesn't mean anything to me.
Then why do you care?
Phil: What is happening here?!
It's tomato! It's tomato!
Oh, hi.
Fine.
We're married.
Phil, get down on one knee and do it properly.
This is so stupid.
- Can you do it over here? - Carol...
- Well, do it... - We...
Get it over here... Over here...
No! This is where the proposal is happening.
Okay. You want it, you come over here and get it.
Okay.
Carol... What's your middle name?
Andrew.
- Andrew? - Yeah.
What is that, a family name?
No.
Carol... Andrew Pilbasian...
will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes, I will!
- Yes, I will! - You will?
- Yes! - Oh!
Did you... have any doubt?
- I was so nervous. - (Laughing)
Oh!
Yay!
We're getting married! Yay! Yeah.
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