1 00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,261 - Okay, that was nice. - I know. 2 00:00:23,286 --> 00:00:25,873 I have never been this sexually in sync with someone before. 3 00:00:25,898 --> 00:00:28,805 It's like, you know exactly what buttons to press on my body 4 00:00:28,830 --> 00:00:30,104 without me ever having to tell you. 5 00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:32,501 You know, I usually have to be so verbal in bed. 6 00:00:32,526 --> 00:00:36,328 Don't you agree? That we're sexually in sync? 7 00:00:37,005 --> 00:00:40,506 And that's why that I decided last night 8 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,569 I am ready to be gender monogamous. 9 00:00:42,594 --> 00:00:44,871 Monoga-what now? With me? 10 00:00:44,896 --> 00:00:46,729 Yes, from this point on, 11 00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,189 you'll be the only woman that I sleep with. 12 00:00:49,214 --> 00:00:51,558 Aw, you make me feel so special. 13 00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,249 But you know, at this point in your life, 14 00:00:53,274 --> 00:00:55,097 you really should keep your options open. 15 00:00:55,122 --> 00:00:59,060 Why, when I have all the woman I'm ever gonna want right here? 16 00:00:59,085 --> 00:01:03,723 You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age. 17 00:01:03,748 --> 00:01:06,178 I was always crazy in love with someone. 18 00:01:06,203 --> 00:01:08,370 And usually the wrong one. 19 00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:11,424 But you need to learn to protect your heart. 20 00:01:11,726 --> 00:01:13,316 But why? 21 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:14,797 It's not like you protected your heart. 22 00:01:14,822 --> 00:01:15,970 You put it right here. 23 00:01:15,995 --> 00:01:17,494 Who's Belinda? 24 00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:20,509 Were you very, very much in love? 25 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:24,317 Okay, okay, enough snuggling. 26 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,564 I get it. I get it. 27 00:01:25,589 --> 00:01:26,696 It hurts too much to talk about. 28 00:01:26,721 --> 00:01:29,684 Don't worry. I'm very patient. 29 00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:32,085 You can tell me tonight. Dinner? 30 00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,397 Can't have dinner tonight. I got to work late. 31 00:01:34,422 --> 00:01:35,522 Oh, yeah, you know what, 32 00:01:35,547 --> 00:01:37,071 I actually might have to work late too. 33 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,680 So just drinks, then. 34 00:01:38,705 --> 00:01:41,042 Do you ever take no for an answer? 35 00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:42,979 No. 36 00:01:52,108 --> 00:01:54,977 - Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com - 37 00:01:58,187 --> 00:02:00,604 Okay, your outfit is totally killing it today. 38 00:02:00,638 --> 00:02:01,912 Especially those boots. 39 00:02:01,937 --> 00:02:03,293 Thanks! 40 00:02:03,318 --> 00:02:05,232 Wait, I don't look like I'm trying too hard, do I? 41 00:02:05,257 --> 00:02:07,568 No, you look like, "I woke up like this." 42 00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,426 Except, you know, you brushed your teeth. 43 00:02:09,451 --> 00:02:12,325 Wait, are you nervous about the Jade Winslow pitch? 44 00:02:12,350 --> 00:02:14,952 Yeah, I'm literally freaking out, Liza. 45 00:02:14,977 --> 00:02:17,263 Jade Winslow would be the perfect first author 46 00:02:17,288 --> 00:02:18,152 for "Millennial." 47 00:02:18,177 --> 00:02:19,510 Her fashion blogs get more hits 48 00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:21,751 than every single Buzzfeed list combined. 49 00:02:21,776 --> 00:02:23,315 She could make or break a new designer, 50 00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:24,482 and she's only 25. 51 00:02:24,507 --> 00:02:25,578 Liza! 52 00:02:25,955 --> 00:02:27,754 Don't let the Trout reel you in. 53 00:02:27,779 --> 00:02:29,378 Don't worry, I'll jump off the hook quickly. 54 00:02:29,403 --> 00:02:31,025 Liza! 55 00:02:31,258 --> 00:02:33,251 At least I'll try. 56 00:02:34,599 --> 00:02:36,182 I'm not sure if you're aware, 57 00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:38,318 but Charles is getting the coveted Oprah Award 58 00:02:38,343 --> 00:02:39,676 at the Women in Literature Luncheon 59 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,868 for his charity, Books Into Buildings. 60 00:02:41,893 --> 00:02:44,039 Oh, is that an architectural foundation? 61 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,403 No, they use recycled pulp from unsold books 62 00:02:46,428 --> 00:02:48,077 to build schools for girls in Nigeria. 63 00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,502 Or is it Sierra Leone? Find that out! 64 00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:51,405 Okay. 65 00:02:51,431 --> 00:02:53,143 I have been given the prestigious task 66 00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:54,667 of introducing Charles at the luncheon, 67 00:02:54,692 --> 00:02:55,796 and I intend to shine. 68 00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:59,239 So set up a cut, color, mani-pedi, full wax: 69 00:02:59,264 --> 00:03:01,624 North Pole, South Pole, and the equator. 70 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,451 What about the Panama Canal? 71 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:05,259 I'm not a porn star, Liza! 72 00:03:05,574 --> 00:03:07,324 Hi, Diana. 73 00:03:07,349 --> 00:03:09,769 Jade Winslow's here, and I could really use Liza. 74 00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:11,134 Liza's busy. 75 00:03:11,772 --> 00:03:12,927 Actually, I was thinking 76 00:03:12,952 --> 00:03:14,755 that you could sit in on the meeting too. 77 00:03:14,808 --> 00:03:16,257 We really want to land this author, 78 00:03:16,282 --> 00:03:18,160 and your marketing expertise 79 00:03:18,185 --> 00:03:20,012 could totally help seal the deal. 80 00:03:20,037 --> 00:03:22,347 I'm sorry; do I look like I'm made of time? 81 00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,861 Give me five minutes. 82 00:03:26,729 --> 00:03:30,168 Ah, Kelsey, darling, how are you? 83 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,357 My love! 84 00:03:32,015 --> 00:03:34,509 Liza, this is Redmond, Jade's agent, 85 00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:36,959 and I must say he's the best in the biz. 86 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,005 She's exaggerating. But she isn't. 87 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:40,259 It's so nice to meet you. 88 00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:42,329 Ow! You clawed me. 89 00:03:42,353 --> 00:03:44,375 Jade, we're so excited to have you here. 90 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,226 - I'm a huge fan. - Give her a sec. 91 00:03:46,251 --> 00:03:48,802 She's just wrapping up a Twitter feud with Karl Lagerfeld. 92 00:03:48,827 --> 00:03:50,478 It takes him ages to respond. 93 00:03:50,511 --> 00:03:51,624 You know, 'cause of the gloves. 94 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,573 How do you say "power bottom" in German? 95 00:03:54,598 --> 00:03:56,057 Bueckstueck. 96 00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,425 All right, let's go. 97 00:04:00,008 --> 00:04:03,098 My book is going to do to the Meatpacking District 98 00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:07,001 what "The Jungle" did to the meatpacking industry. 99 00:04:07,274 --> 00:04:08,721 Okay, the beauty business 100 00:04:08,746 --> 00:04:10,662 is teeming with fake-ass sycophants, 101 00:04:10,687 --> 00:04:14,330 and I'm planning on bringing the worst offenders to their knees. 102 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,972 Okay, so you can think of my tell-all 103 00:04:15,997 --> 00:04:19,545 as, like, "The Devil Wears Prada" but, like, on speed, 104 00:04:19,570 --> 00:04:21,801 only there will be no thinly veiled references in my book. 105 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,609 Okay, if I'm talking about "Vogue," 106 00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,541 like, I'll just say, "Vogue." 107 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,711 Right, to the flack in the room that's worried about libel, 108 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,993 just don't be, okay, because these lips 109 00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:33,595 and these lips, they don't lie. 110 00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:35,121 That's quite a vagina monologue. 111 00:04:35,146 --> 00:04:36,729 I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft. 112 00:04:36,772 --> 00:04:38,323 She has the ears of a wolf. 113 00:04:38,348 --> 00:04:41,413 Ann Taylor Loft? Hardly. 114 00:04:41,438 --> 00:04:43,040 This is Alexander McQueen. 115 00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:45,640 Not the turtleneck. Not the boots. 116 00:04:46,841 --> 00:04:49,148 "Millennial" is perfect for this, Jade, 117 00:04:49,173 --> 00:04:51,845 okay, both from a strategic and editorial standpoint. 118 00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:53,967 No one is better capable of integrating 119 00:04:53,992 --> 00:04:56,239 your already established online presence 120 00:04:56,264 --> 00:04:59,405 with our youth-based branding and social media expertise. 121 00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:01,046 Yes, we'd really love to discuss 122 00:05:01,071 --> 00:05:02,455 some marketing strategies... 123 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,630 I'm sorry, but "marketing strategies" 124 00:05:04,655 --> 00:05:06,960 sounds like something a sad dad 125 00:05:06,985 --> 00:05:08,714 would have on his Linkedln page. 126 00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:13,083 Okay, just, like, talk to me, all right? 127 00:05:13,108 --> 00:05:15,114 Why you? 128 00:05:15,139 --> 00:05:17,666 I mean, are you cool? 129 00:05:17,690 --> 00:05:19,417 Yes, yes. 130 00:05:19,442 --> 00:05:22,481 We are very, very cool. 131 00:05:24,095 --> 00:05:26,921 Get me out of here. 132 00:05:26,946 --> 00:05:29,344 Sorry to cut this short, but we've got to skeedads. 133 00:05:29,369 --> 00:05:31,419 Scrivener is waiting for us at Polo Bar, 134 00:05:31,444 --> 00:05:33,782 and it's Jade's favorite place to not eat. 135 00:05:33,807 --> 00:05:35,552 Redmond. 136 00:05:35,577 --> 00:05:37,472 - I want this book. - Everyone does. 137 00:05:37,498 --> 00:05:38,777 There's a bidding war. 138 00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,185 If you want to get in the game, go in high... 139 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,040 sky high. 140 00:05:42,065 --> 00:05:44,816 - We'll be in touch. - Okay. 141 00:05:45,318 --> 00:05:48,352 I've never been so sure a book is going to be a best seller. 142 00:05:48,377 --> 00:05:50,211 I say we should go all in. 143 00:05:50,318 --> 00:05:52,039 Shit. 144 00:05:53,423 --> 00:05:55,433 What? 145 00:05:56,575 --> 00:05:58,722 Shut the door. 146 00:06:03,723 --> 00:06:06,307 Oh, my God. Is that his... 147 00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,299 Wow. Don't touch it. 148 00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:11,269 This is incredibly embarrassing for Charles and for Empirical. 149 00:06:11,294 --> 00:06:12,914 Other blogs are already starting to pick it up... 150 00:06:17,964 --> 00:06:20,373 There is a... A small matter 151 00:06:20,398 --> 00:06:21,750 that I need to talk to you about. 152 00:06:21,775 --> 00:06:24,075 - We know. Not small. - We've seen it. 153 00:06:24,235 --> 00:06:25,594 I don't know what to say. 154 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,707 It was very humid, 155 00:06:26,732 --> 00:06:29,797 and the fabric on those shorts was very thin. 156 00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:31,056 These things happen. 157 00:06:31,081 --> 00:06:32,443 There's no need to explain yourself. 158 00:06:32,468 --> 00:06:34,334 I can assure you, we will get it off. 159 00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:36,397 - Down. - Down. 160 00:06:36,422 --> 00:06:38,577 - Really? - Yes. 161 00:06:38,602 --> 00:06:42,354 That would be just... 162 00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:44,272 Thank you. 163 00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:51,948 - Get it offline now! - But how? 164 00:06:51,973 --> 00:06:53,729 I don't know. That's your job. 165 00:06:53,754 --> 00:06:56,218 Go! 166 00:07:03,286 --> 00:07:06,627 I once dated a guy who was hung like a horse. 167 00:07:06,652 --> 00:07:08,287 Yeah, he was only, like, 4 feet tall 168 00:07:08,312 --> 00:07:09,512 and had this tiny little torso, 169 00:07:09,537 --> 00:07:12,537 so when it got hard he could, like, rest his chin on it... 170 00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:14,323 You know, like, "The Thinker." 171 00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:16,515 - Ew. - No, it was hot. 172 00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:20,193 Oh, uh-oh, Charles' pic just went up on freeballin.net. 173 00:07:20,218 --> 00:07:21,833 Good thing the perv that runs that site owes me. 174 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,161 It'll be down in five. 175 00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:24,897 Thank you so much for helping me with this, Lauren. 176 00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,188 I didn't even know where to start. 177 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,224 Listen, okay, all I ask is 178 00:07:27,249 --> 00:07:28,891 that you put in a good word for me 179 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,079 with that goddess roommate of yours. 180 00:07:30,104 --> 00:07:31,463 Okay, because she's playing hard to get and it is really... 181 00:07:32,963 --> 00:07:34,241 - Uh-oh. - What? 182 00:07:34,265 --> 00:07:35,083 No, no, no, we got to pick up the pace. 183 00:07:35,108 --> 00:07:36,570 It just went up on two more sites, 184 00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,633 and oh, God, it has a name now. 185 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:39,915 What are they calling it? 186 00:07:39,939 --> 00:07:46,426 The Empiriconda... accurate. 187 00:07:48,277 --> 00:07:50,920 Every time Lauren gets the Empiriconda off one website, 188 00:07:50,945 --> 00:07:52,617 it pops up on another. 189 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:55,759 Whoa, I don't understand how he walks, 190 00:07:55,784 --> 00:07:57,882 let alone runs runs the bases, or, quite frankly, 191 00:07:57,907 --> 00:07:59,842 why he even needs a bat, damn. 192 00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:00,834 Remember the good old days 193 00:08:00,859 --> 00:08:02,270 when you could take an embarrassing photo 194 00:08:02,295 --> 00:08:03,452 without fear that it would be posted 195 00:08:03,477 --> 00:08:05,902 on a worldwide platform for millions of eyes to see 196 00:08:05,927 --> 00:08:08,079 where it could feasibly exist until the end of days? 197 00:08:08,104 --> 00:08:10,099 Why do you think I still own a Polaroid? 198 00:08:10,124 --> 00:08:11,512 I thought you were off that. 199 00:08:11,537 --> 00:08:13,357 I have a secret stalker account. 200 00:08:13,382 --> 00:08:17,012 You know, to spy on enemies and old flames. 201 00:08:17,037 --> 00:08:18,700 Whose page are you looking for? 202 00:08:18,725 --> 00:08:21,842 - The infamous Belinda? - Mmhmm. 203 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,554 I always wondered what she looked like. 204 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:24,734 I mean, look at this. 205 00:08:24,758 --> 00:08:26,168 Is it me, or does every one of these pictures 206 00:08:26,193 --> 00:08:28,291 look like the ones that come with the frame? 207 00:08:28,316 --> 00:08:29,715 It reminds me of my old profile page 208 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,106 right before we got the divorce. 209 00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:33,162 Everything's just a little too perfect. 210 00:08:33,187 --> 00:08:34,770 I mean, look at her. 211 00:08:34,795 --> 00:08:37,212 She looks miserable, poor thing. 212 00:08:37,237 --> 00:08:39,687 She was an incredible artist, you know? 213 00:08:40,032 --> 00:08:42,583 Why don't you have Josh cover up that tattoo with a new one? 214 00:08:42,608 --> 00:08:45,032 No, you know, I wear it like a badge of honor. 215 00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:47,250 I mean, this woman nearly destroyed me. 216 00:08:47,275 --> 00:08:49,275 I'm proud of myself for surviving it. 217 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:50,499 She sounds like a nightmare. 218 00:08:50,524 --> 00:08:52,011 Nah, she wasn't really. 219 00:08:52,036 --> 00:08:53,619 She was just, like, one of those people 220 00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:56,018 who was afraid to live the life that she wanted to live. 221 00:08:56,184 --> 00:08:57,900 I mean, one minute we were in love, 222 00:08:57,925 --> 00:08:59,592 and the next thing you know I'm reading about her engagement 223 00:08:59,617 --> 00:09:02,517 in "The New York Times" to this dude. 224 00:09:02,726 --> 00:09:03,748 I'm so sorry. 225 00:09:03,773 --> 00:09:05,904 Yeah, it would have been nice to hear that from Belinda. 226 00:09:05,929 --> 00:09:08,847 A simple apology would've saved me so much angst. 227 00:09:08,872 --> 00:09:12,096 But everybody is somebody's monster, right? 228 00:09:12,373 --> 00:09:14,656 Oh, my God, are they on a log in matching denim? 229 00:09:14,681 --> 00:09:16,596 They are in pumpkin spice hell. 230 00:09:16,621 --> 00:09:18,656 - Wow. - Yeah. 231 00:09:20,669 --> 00:09:24,023 Okay, I've successfully removed the Empiriconda... 232 00:09:24,048 --> 00:09:26,624 - The Empiriconda? - Oh, uh, yeah, you didn't know? 233 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,256 They named it. 234 00:09:28,605 --> 00:09:32,124 It's off of Gawker, Vulture, Show Me the Chub, 235 00:09:32,149 --> 00:09:34,248 PorkSword.net, and The New Yorker. 236 00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:35,918 The New Yorker? 237 00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,218 Is there no class left in this world? 238 00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:40,690 I know, they shouted and murmured the crap out of it. 239 00:09:40,715 --> 00:09:42,749 But there haven't been any new posts in the last hour. 240 00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:45,358 I'll keep checking, but I think we squashed it. 241 00:09:47,768 --> 00:09:49,935 Hey, I've got Redmond on the phone. 242 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,367 Where have you been? I made the offer. 243 00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:56,740 Kelsey, I'm impressed. $250,000. 244 00:09:56,765 --> 00:09:58,632 That's enough to take this book off the market. 245 00:09:58,657 --> 00:10:00,991 So... Let's make a deal! 246 00:10:01,016 --> 00:10:02,583 We're not quite there yet, darling. 247 00:10:02,608 --> 00:10:04,615 Jade really likes that your imprint 248 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,842 is run by young people like herself, 249 00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:13,537 but she's worried you might be, no offense, a little basic. 250 00:10:13,562 --> 00:10:15,846 She wants an editor she can have fun with. 251 00:10:15,871 --> 00:10:18,215 - I'm fun. - I know, sweetie. 252 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,463 And you'll have a chance to prove it. 253 00:10:20,488 --> 00:10:22,569 She wants you to meet her out tonight 254 00:10:22,571 --> 00:10:24,885 in a more casual setting, get to know you. 255 00:10:24,910 --> 00:10:28,213 Really? Great. 256 00:10:28,238 --> 00:10:29,949 Oh, and what's the name of 257 00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:32,070 that tall awkward girl again who works with you? 258 00:10:32,095 --> 00:10:34,773 - Liza. - Yes, Liza. 259 00:10:34,798 --> 00:10:35,726 Bring her too 260 00:10:35,751 --> 00:10:37,574 and bring your boyfriends. 261 00:10:37,599 --> 00:10:40,433 She doesn't want tonight to be a "taco truck." 262 00:10:40,458 --> 00:10:42,903 Her words... and also mine. 263 00:10:42,928 --> 00:10:44,398 Got it. We'll be there. 264 00:10:44,423 --> 00:10:47,174 Great, I'll have my assistant e-mail you the details. 265 00:10:47,199 --> 00:10:48,486 Lars! 266 00:10:48,511 --> 00:10:49,863 Tall awkward girl? 267 00:11:00,024 --> 00:11:02,224 I think you forgot half your shirt, babe. 268 00:11:02,249 --> 00:11:04,781 It's a crop top, okay? And it's on trend. 269 00:11:04,806 --> 00:11:06,806 I'm not afraid to show a little skin. 270 00:11:06,831 --> 00:11:08,042 I'm fun! 271 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,481 You're definitely fun. 272 00:11:09,506 --> 00:11:11,215 You look like one of the Fly Girls. 273 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,826 One of the who? 274 00:11:13,113 --> 00:11:14,613 Hey, look, there's Jade. 275 00:11:14,638 --> 00:11:18,657 Hey, sloots! Welcome. 276 00:11:18,682 --> 00:11:20,538 You know, I just did a piece on my blog 277 00:11:20,563 --> 00:11:22,480 on how I wish the overalls trend would trip 278 00:11:22,505 --> 00:11:24,121 and fall into an active volcano, 279 00:11:24,146 --> 00:11:27,050 but you're making me reconsider it... a little. 280 00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:28,932 - Thanks. - Mm-hmm. 281 00:11:28,957 --> 00:11:31,922 So a round of shots on me? 282 00:11:31,947 --> 00:11:33,692 Doubles? 283 00:11:33,717 --> 00:11:37,473 Hey, is anyone fiending to hit the dance floor like me? 284 00:11:37,498 --> 00:11:39,331 Chillax, Miley Cyrus. 285 00:11:39,356 --> 00:11:40,804 Okay, it is a Tuesday, 286 00:11:40,829 --> 00:11:43,710 which means some of us are hungover and out of drugs. 287 00:11:43,735 --> 00:11:45,551 So unless you have a bag of Molly to get me going, 288 00:11:45,576 --> 00:11:47,250 then my ass is gonna remain in this seat 289 00:11:47,275 --> 00:11:50,927 until I've successfully drank away my headache. 290 00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,055 Did somebody say Molly? 291 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,408 Who is this fine young thing? 292 00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:56,208 This is Thad, my boyfriend. 293 00:11:56,232 --> 00:11:58,511 Not bad, Kelsey. He's hot. 294 00:11:58,536 --> 00:12:00,337 He is hot, isn't he? 295 00:12:00,361 --> 00:12:02,009 Oh, and where's Josh? 296 00:12:02,034 --> 00:12:03,544 - Oh, he's on his way. - Wow. 297 00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:05,555 How did you know my boyfriend's name? 298 00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:06,902 Oh, you must have said it. 299 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,042 Did I? 300 00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:11,488 Shoo! Okay, go. Go on! Go! 301 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:14,498 Gosh, you make out with a lumbersexual for five minutes 302 00:12:14,523 --> 00:12:17,596 and he clings on like an effing genital wart. 303 00:12:17,621 --> 00:12:19,692 Anyway, what was I saying? 304 00:12:19,717 --> 00:12:21,197 Oh, whiskey! 305 00:12:21,222 --> 00:12:22,613 To the Cliterati! 306 00:12:22,639 --> 00:12:24,472 Cliterati! Whoo! 307 00:12:24,497 --> 00:12:27,081 - Cheers. - Cheers, all right. 308 00:12:27,106 --> 00:12:28,990 Whoo! 309 00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:32,009 So then I discovered this guy had fallen asleep on the couch 310 00:12:32,034 --> 00:12:35,629 pants around his ankles, a tissue box next to him, 311 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,014 and a porno blasting on the computer. 312 00:12:38,039 --> 00:12:41,502 Hey, babe, that's what you get for asking for a key. 313 00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,718 You got caught wet-handed! 314 00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,627 I love this song! Let's dance! 315 00:12:47,652 --> 00:12:49,004 Come on! Come on, guys! 316 00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:51,412 You two go. I'm still not drunk enough. 317 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,222 No, go dance. Have fun, I'll stay. 318 00:12:54,247 --> 00:12:56,113 Jade, I'm just curious. 319 00:12:56,138 --> 00:12:57,622 Are you at all worried 320 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,670 about pissing people off with this book? 321 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:02,123 No, no, I'm excited. 322 00:13:02,374 --> 00:13:04,958 Last week I watched a cover girl's waist 323 00:13:04,983 --> 00:13:07,166 get photoshopped to the size of my pinky, 324 00:13:07,191 --> 00:13:10,681 her chest inflated to alien-Barbie-sized proportions, 325 00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,884 and her wrinkles virtually expunged. 326 00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:15,797 All this business does is perpetuate the wanked-out notion 327 00:13:15,822 --> 00:13:18,613 that youth and beauty are the only things 328 00:13:18,638 --> 00:13:20,335 that define a woman's worth. 329 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,978 I would rather slit my carotid artery 330 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,197 than spend one more day in an industry 331 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,950 that faults me simply for growing older. 332 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,281 I mean, it is so sheisty. 333 00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,605 Yeah, it is sheisty, isn't it? 334 00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:35,884 - Hey! - Ugh, this idiot. 335 00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:38,325 - Jade! - Do you two know each other? 336 00:13:38,349 --> 00:13:40,180 Yeah, you could say that. 337 00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:44,820 Whoo, I have waited forever to do that. 338 00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:47,176 Sayonara, bitches. 339 00:13:48,555 --> 00:13:50,500 - Uh? - Babe... 340 00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:52,680 I don't think you're getting that book. 341 00:13:57,188 --> 00:13:59,989 Josh, I had no idea. You used to go out with Jade? 342 00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:01,449 Yeah, unfortunately. 343 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:05,189 We dated for a couple months. It was fun for a while. 344 00:14:05,214 --> 00:14:08,753 Then it wasn't. She's batshit crazy. 345 00:14:08,778 --> 00:14:10,376 So what happened? 346 00:14:10,401 --> 00:14:12,768 She wouldn't let me go. I mean, I told her it was over. 347 00:14:12,793 --> 00:14:14,161 Didn't matter. 348 00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:17,396 She kept climbing up my fire escape. 349 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,784 Wait, is that butt stuff? 350 00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:21,025 No! 351 00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:24,490 I mean she was literally climbing up my fire escape. 352 00:14:25,189 --> 00:14:26,887 I couldn't get rid of her! 353 00:14:26,913 --> 00:14:31,185 Finally she took me to one of those stupid fashion parties 354 00:14:31,210 --> 00:14:35,328 and I met this really hot model and I thought, 355 00:14:35,353 --> 00:14:37,153 "Two birds, one stone." You know? 356 00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:39,567 I hook up with the model and... 357 00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:41,372 Jade gets the message. 358 00:14:41,397 --> 00:14:43,072 That is genius. 359 00:14:43,097 --> 00:14:44,322 So you cheated on her? 360 00:14:44,347 --> 00:14:45,600 I had to do something. 361 00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:49,070 Okay, the point is, you totally disrespected her. 362 00:14:49,095 --> 00:14:51,189 Fine! I'm sorry, okay? 363 00:14:51,214 --> 00:14:53,554 I admit I was wrong. 364 00:14:53,579 --> 00:14:55,737 She's a total nutjob. 365 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,678 Yeah, a nutjob whose book is gonna make 366 00:14:57,703 --> 00:14:59,398 some other publisher a ton of money. 367 00:14:59,423 --> 00:15:00,701 Nice work, Josh. 368 00:15:00,726 --> 00:15:02,841 How is this my fault? 369 00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,690 Charles, 370 00:15:10,116 --> 00:15:12,660 I am proud to say that I have successfully 371 00:15:12,685 --> 00:15:16,103 handled your... situation. 372 00:15:16,128 --> 00:15:17,673 And now the first thing that comes up 373 00:15:17,698 --> 00:15:19,995 when you Google yourself is the "Page Six" story 374 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,853 about your wife leaving you. 375 00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,393 That's great news. Thanks so much, Diana. 376 00:15:25,418 --> 00:15:26,631 Oh, come on, it was my pleasure. 377 00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:28,268 I don't mean pleasure. 378 00:15:28,293 --> 00:15:30,974 It was... it was difficult, meticulous work. 379 00:15:30,999 --> 00:15:32,665 I know. I got it. 380 00:15:32,690 --> 00:15:34,684 Well, at least, now we can focus on more exciting things, 381 00:15:34,709 --> 00:15:35,954 like your award today! 382 00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:39,118 Yes, that's right. The luncheon. 383 00:15:40,401 --> 00:15:42,484 You gonna have the fish or the steak? 384 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,460 Uh, the steak. 385 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,452 Me too. I am a meat eater. 386 00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:49,284 Right. 387 00:15:49,309 --> 00:15:51,108 I'm gonna get going. 388 00:15:54,505 --> 00:15:57,306 Just... 389 00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:01,002 So I just got off the phone with Jade's agent. 390 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:03,685 And he is really embarrassed about what went down last night. 391 00:16:04,039 --> 00:16:06,708 Only not really, because he's an agent. 392 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,516 So what about the book? 393 00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:09,916 We lost it. 394 00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:12,108 They're gonna sign with Harper Collins this afternoon. 395 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,095 So you think Jade did all of this 396 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,286 just so she could throw a drink in Josh's face? 397 00:16:16,311 --> 00:16:19,072 I think that she's getting her 15 minutes, 398 00:16:19,097 --> 00:16:23,336 and she's clearly using them to carry out insane revenge plots. 399 00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:24,572 Well, maybe we dodged a bullet. 400 00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:27,047 Totally. She was a monster. 401 00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:29,466 Well, everybody's somebody's monster. 402 00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,274 That's true. 403 00:16:33,318 --> 00:16:35,401 Hey, Kelsey. 404 00:16:35,426 --> 00:16:37,268 Can you find out from Redmond what time 405 00:16:37,293 --> 00:16:39,550 they're meeting with Harper Collins today? 406 00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:42,262 Maybe. Why? 407 00:16:42,287 --> 00:16:44,910 See if he'll do us a favor. 408 00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:47,869 - What are we doing? - We're not giving up. 409 00:16:49,810 --> 00:16:51,944 Josh, thank you so much for doing this. 410 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,366 There she is! Get down! 411 00:16:54,391 --> 00:16:56,486 Honey, there's our Uber. 412 00:16:59,716 --> 00:17:01,782 Oh, what the... ? 413 00:17:01,807 --> 00:17:03,423 - Hey, Jade. - Let me out of here! 414 00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:04,742 It's okay! Just chill. 415 00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:05,989 Here, have a drink. 416 00:17:06,014 --> 00:17:07,414 Josh has something he wants to say to you. 417 00:17:07,438 --> 00:17:09,772 I'm sorry I was an asshole. 418 00:17:09,797 --> 00:17:10,964 Okay, what's going on? 419 00:17:10,990 --> 00:17:13,794 This... this is me apologizing, okay? 420 00:17:13,819 --> 00:17:16,933 I'm sorry I disrespected you. I was immature. 421 00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,814 Yeah, and selfish in bed. 422 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,676 No, wait, wait, wait! 423 00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:22,469 When were we ever in a bed? 424 00:17:22,494 --> 00:17:23,530 Okay, whatever. You know what? 425 00:17:23,555 --> 00:17:25,298 If you think this lame-ass apology 426 00:17:25,323 --> 00:17:27,577 is gonna get me to sign with you guys, then you're wrong. 427 00:17:27,602 --> 00:17:29,805 Come on, Jade, we've all been the bad guy in a relationship 428 00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:30,842 at some point, right? 429 00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:32,841 I mean, I know I have. 430 00:17:32,866 --> 00:17:34,170 When I was in college, 431 00:17:34,195 --> 00:17:36,029 I cheated on my boyfriend with my professor. 432 00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:37,563 Yeah, well, I gathered a girl posse 433 00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:39,254 to pee in front of your tattoo parlor. 434 00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:41,388 Shut up. That was you? 435 00:17:41,413 --> 00:17:43,250 There was so much pee. 436 00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:46,033 Yeah, well, you're lucky we stuck to plan number one. 437 00:17:46,058 --> 00:17:49,044 Okay, Jade, listen. Here's the thing. 438 00:17:49,158 --> 00:17:52,289 We will kick ass publishing your book. 439 00:17:52,314 --> 00:17:53,872 Well I'll give you one thing. 440 00:17:53,897 --> 00:17:55,387 I mean, you bitches are pretty desperate. 441 00:17:55,412 --> 00:17:57,249 Exactly, would Harper Collins ever kidnap you 442 00:17:57,274 --> 00:17:58,973 and make your ex-boyfriend apologize? 443 00:17:58,998 --> 00:18:00,569 Huh? 444 00:18:00,594 --> 00:18:03,786 Listen, to you signing with "Millennial." 445 00:18:03,811 --> 00:18:05,545 Yes, let's drink to that. 446 00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:08,865 - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! 447 00:18:08,890 --> 00:18:11,057 I'll keep you posted. 448 00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:20,001 You owe me so many fire escapes. 449 00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:27,465 Wow, there are so many amazing authors that are here. 450 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,807 I know, I just saw Joan Didion at our table hoarding gift bags. 451 00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,404 Girls! Ah! 452 00:18:32,429 --> 00:18:34,006 I was hoping I would see you here. 453 00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,419 I've got good news. Drum roll... 454 00:18:38,573 --> 00:18:40,110 Jade is accepting your offer! 455 00:18:40,135 --> 00:18:41,583 - What? - Really? 456 00:18:41,608 --> 00:18:43,928 Yes, of course, there are still a few details 457 00:18:43,953 --> 00:18:45,286 that we need to work out, 458 00:18:45,311 --> 00:18:47,895 but consider this deal as good as done! 459 00:18:47,945 --> 00:18:49,628 Oh, my God. 460 00:18:49,653 --> 00:18:50,745 Now Jade wants to tweet it out so the blogs pick it up, 461 00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:52,197 is that cool? 462 00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:54,110 - Of course. - Oh, my God, we are so excited. 463 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,115 Wonderful. Oh, Jennifer Weiner's here. 464 00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:58,928 Oh, my God. 465 00:18:58,953 --> 00:19:01,146 Oh, my God, she already tweeted about it. 466 00:19:01,171 --> 00:19:02,867 Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. 467 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,107 Gawker just picked it up. 468 00:19:04,132 --> 00:19:06,588 Wait, why did she attach a pic of Charles? 469 00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,210 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 470 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,703 I've been meaning to tell you about it. 471 00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:11,630 - Take it down now. - I think it's too late. 472 00:19:11,655 --> 00:19:12,798 Rihanna just retweeted it. 473 00:19:12,823 --> 00:19:15,351 Congratulations on signing your first author. 474 00:19:15,376 --> 00:19:16,536 Redmond just told me the news. 475 00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:17,540 Oh, thank you. 476 00:19:17,565 --> 00:19:19,874 I'm assuming you haven't seen the tweet? 477 00:19:19,899 --> 00:19:22,378 - No, what tweet? - No... nothing, no. 478 00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:23,903 No tweet has been tweeted. 479 00:19:23,928 --> 00:19:25,603 Charles, have you met the lovely Jennifer Ween-er? 480 00:19:25,627 --> 00:19:27,326 Oh, it's actually Wine-er. 481 00:19:27,351 --> 00:19:28,609 Yes, Ween-er. Ween-is. 482 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:29,770 Wine-er. 483 00:19:29,795 --> 00:19:32,521 Wine-er, like, just like what's in the glass. 484 00:19:32,842 --> 00:19:34,714 Oh, gee. Jesus. 485 00:19:38,674 --> 00:19:41,282 Jesus. 486 00:19:42,393 --> 00:19:45,691 Hello, and welcome to the 24th Annual 487 00:19:45,716 --> 00:19:47,896 Women in Literature Charity Honors. 488 00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:52,567 Today I will be presenting the prestigious Oprah Award. 489 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,998 Charles, I know I speak for every woman in this room 490 00:19:56,023 --> 00:19:58,621 when I say, how very, very grateful we are 491 00:19:58,646 --> 00:20:00,786 for your generous endowment.