1
00:00:07,267 --> 00:00:08,633
* I feel all right

2
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:10,000
* Just like I should,
should, should *

3
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,267
That's the watch
I'm gonna buy Thad.

4
00:00:12,267 --> 00:00:13,367
It's exactly what he wants.

5
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,567
This feels like
a guilt gift.

6
00:00:14,567 --> 00:00:15,767
You might as well get it
engraved

7
00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:17,567
with a sketch
of Bjornberg's penis.

8
00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:20,100
Thad never found out
about Bjornberg,

9
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,833
and there's certainly no point
in telling him now.

10
00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:23,400
I mean, why would I want
to hurt him like that?

11
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,033
I don't know,

12
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,667
that thing about how honesty in
a relationship creates intimacy?

13
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:30,200
One woman's honesty
is another woman's over sharing.

14
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,500
Fine.

15
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:33,167
I'm just saying
expensive jewelry

16
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,767
doesn't excuse an affair.

17
00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:36,733
And in the end, after all
the tears and the fights,

18
00:00:36,733 --> 00:00:38,067
you know what you're left with?

19
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:39,267
Bad credit
and a piece of jewelry

20
00:00:39,267 --> 00:00:40,433
with almost no resale value

21
00:00:40,433 --> 00:00:42,233
that reminds you
of someone you hate.

22
00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:44,533
Where are you skanks?

23
00:00:44,533 --> 00:00:45,733
We're on our way, you ho.

24
00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:47,333
Why do you talk
to each other like that?

25
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:48,667
Is that Liza?

26
00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:49,900
Uh, yeah.

27
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,533
Okay, tell that hooker
to stop talking

28
00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:53,033
and start walking.

29
00:00:53,033 --> 00:00:54,600
Okay.

30
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,533
Slut-bag.

31
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:00,433
Finally.
Sit.

32
00:01:00,433 --> 00:01:02,133
I ordered you bibimbap.

33
00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:03,733
- Mm, yes.

34
00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:05,833
Oh, it's Korean.
You're gonna love it.

35
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,567
Yeah, it's the
second best Korean thing

36
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,067
I've ever had in my mouth.

37
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,533
Hey, so I've been trying
to send you an invite,

38
00:01:10,533 --> 00:01:11,667
and it keeps bouncing back,

39
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:13,067
so I Googled you,
and nothing.

40
00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:15,100
Liza, you're like a ghost
on the Internet.

41
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:16,600
Oh, yeah, um,

42
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,500
I like to--
I like to keep a low profile.

43
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:19,700
Uh, a low profile?

44
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,400
Yeah, never say that
to a publicist.

45
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,633
- No.

46
00:01:22,633 --> 00:01:24,133
I'm having a Hot Mitzvah.

47
00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:25,767
- Just watch.

48
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:31,200
At my Bat Mitzvah,
I hated how I looked.

49
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,533
That's why 13 years later,

50
00:01:33,533 --> 00:01:36,067
I am throwing a Hot Mitzvah.

51
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:40,633
You're invited,
so you must be hot.

52
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,100
Is that a Star of David
bikini top?

53
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,267
Yes!

54
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:44,367
I crocheted it out
of two yarmulkes.

55
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:45,500
Chic.

56
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,800
Bring Josh
and Craigslist Maggie.

57
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,800
Tell that OWL
I want her to come.

58
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,667
Owl?

59
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,200
Older wise lesbian.

60
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,300
Hoot hoosh.

61
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,300
[woman vocalizing,
upbeat music]

62
00:01:56,300 --> 00:02:00,067
*

63
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,567
New Tricks.

64
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:03,467
As you can see, we're ready.
We've got the stand-ups,

65
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:04,733
the wall hangers,
the Amazon Banner,

66
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:06,200
the Kindle banner,
the NOOK banner.

67
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,833
Liza?

68
00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:10,067
Social media is hyped
from Facebook to Book Riot--

69
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,167
Goodreads, too.

70
00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:14,200
So my department is ready to go.

71
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,067
All we need now is the book.

72
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:18,533
Kelsey.

73
00:02:18,533 --> 00:02:20,500
Well, the good news is the draft
is finally in.

74
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:22,600
The bad news is
it's a mess.

75
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,867
She uses the word "man root"
12 times in one chapter.

76
00:02:25,867 --> 00:02:27,800
So I'm out to
all the top book doctors,

77
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,833
and I'm just trying to figure
out who's the best fit.

78
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:31,333
Well, I suggest
you pick one soon,

79
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:32,600
or we'll have to push
the pub date.

80
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,167
No, that won't happen.

81
00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:36,700
Good.

82
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:38,733
Then I think we're done.

83
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,067
Hey, I'm doing a coffee run.
You need anything?

84
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,867
Yeah, a book doctor
for Megyn Vernoff.

85
00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,533
Half of my regulars
are busy competing

86
00:02:52,533 --> 00:02:54,100
for the Kardashian rewrite.

87
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,167
Where do you even find
a book doctor, anyway?

88
00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,700
Most of them are stay-at-home
moms with Ivy League degrees.

89
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,400
I mean, some of them
had really promising careers.

90
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,067
They just gave up to have kids,

91
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:05,500
and now they're so far
off track, they do anything.

92
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,067
They don't even care
about the credit.

93
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:10,067
Another reason why
we can never stop working.

94
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:12,067
You know, I've done
some creative writing.

95
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:15,133
And I edited
the Dartmouth literary journal.

96
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:16,967
Maybe I could give
the Vernoff book a try.

97
00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:18,567
Seriously?

98
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:21,800
You want to write about the sex
life of a woman in her 40s?

99
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,567
I'm sure I can suppress
my gag reflex

100
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,567
if I'm getting paid enough.

101
00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:26,833
That came out wrong.

102
00:03:26,833 --> 00:03:28,233
But I could use the money.

103
00:03:28,233 --> 00:03:29,733
Well, that's a good reason.

104
00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:31,800
See what you can do
with chapter one.

105
00:03:39,867 --> 00:03:43,067
How did I miss the memo
on book doctors?

106
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,700
I could have been doing this
for years.

107
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,700
Well, there was, like,
an entire decade

108
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:48,533
where you were in a PTA fugue.

109
00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:52,200
Josh?

110
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,933
Yeah, but I'm not
getting distracted.

111
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:56,400
This is a big opportunity
for me.

112
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,667
Oh, really?
What's the book?

113
00:03:57,667 --> 00:03:59,433
It's called New Tricks.

114
00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:02,367
And it's about a woman's sexual
reawakening in her 40s.

115
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,467
So you're a 40-year-old
pretending to be a 26-year-old

116
00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:06,767
who's pretending to write
in the voice of a 40

117
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:09,533
Stop it.
My head's exploding.

118
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:11,633
* You don't get me *

119
00:04:11,633 --> 00:04:13,967
* You don't understand my way *

120
00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:16,533
* It's too foreign *

121
00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:19,467
* I don't mind *

122
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,900
* Same as any other day

123
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,167
* Hey

124
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:25,367
* Hey

125
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:31,867
*

126
00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:34,267
* You don't see me *

127
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:36,867
* No, you look right through
my face *

128
00:04:36,867 --> 00:04:39,467
* And when we're talkin' *

129
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,867
* I don't mind *

130
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:44,467
* 'Cause I'm in another place *

131
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:46,067
* Hey

132
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:49,967
* What you gonna do
when you get lonely? *

133
00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:54,833
* What you gonna make
in outer space? *

134
00:04:54,833 --> 00:04:58,500
* When the air's not clear
to see the only thing *

135
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:01,067
* The insight gravity
can bring *

136
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:04,300
* Is knowing what you needed
all along *

137
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,800
* Was a little love

138
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,600
- Good morning.
- Good morning.

139
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,433
You're getting your own coffee?

140
00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:11,133
I like to keep
my life skills sharp.

141
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:15,567
You know, in case
there's another Sandy.

142
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:16,767
- Good morning.
- Good morning.

143
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,967
Hey, I sent you that chapter.

144
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:20,233
I know.
I read it.

145
00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:22,767
And?

146
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,933
You nailed it.

147
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:25,933
Really?

148
00:05:25,933 --> 00:05:27,600
Yes.

149
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,300
That whole passage where she's
trying to hide her stretch marks

150
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,533
from her boyfriend,

151
00:05:31,533 --> 00:05:32,833
you must have done
your research.

152
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,900
Yeah, it's just
a writerly imagination.

153
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,833
And is it true that older women
really pee a little

154
00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:38,967
every time they sneeze?

155
00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,733
Once you've shot a baby out--

156
00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,200
at least,
that's what I hear.

157
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:44,867
Well, I've got to tell you,
Liza,

158
00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:46,800
I've hired a lot
of book doctors,

159
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,300
you're good at it.

160
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:49,333
You really liked it?

161
00:05:49,333 --> 00:05:50,700
Yes.

162
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,600
And that's why
I gave it to Charles.

163
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,600
Seriously?

164
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,867
Yes.

165
00:05:54,867 --> 00:05:56,567
And you are
seriously welcome.

166
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,700
Liza.

167
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:02,967
Oh, hi.

168
00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:05,833
I just read your chapter.

169
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,600
That's good.

170
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,200
Your HR file
says you're 26,

171
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,767
but you write like
a 40-year-old.

172
00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:15,133
There's something
you want to tell me?

173
00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:17,300
Uh...

174
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,333
No.

175
00:06:20,867 --> 00:06:22,100
Come see me
in my office.

176
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,700
Liza, all this time,
I thought you were

177
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:35,200
just another
struggling assistant.

178
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,100
But you've had a secret
all along, haven't you?

179
00:06:41,633 --> 00:06:43,933
Well, um...

180
00:06:43,933 --> 00:06:46,067
And now I think I know
your secret.

181
00:06:48,733 --> 00:06:51,567
You're a writer.

182
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:53,767
Yeah.
I'm a writer.

183
00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:55,100
Just--I'm a writer.

184
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,967
Guilty.
Throw the book at me.

185
00:06:56,967 --> 00:06:59,067
Terrible pun.
I apologize.

186
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:01,200
Your chapter sample
was so impressive.

187
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,467
Obviously, you're good enough
to rewrite Megyn Vernoff.

188
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:04,467
Really?

189
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:05,900
Thank you.

190
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,200
But book doctoring
isn't really about writing.

191
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,100
It isn't?

192
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,333
No, it's more about egos

193
00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:16,067
and that elusive thing
that they call "chemistry."

194
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,567
Oh.

195
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,400
Which I think
you will excel at.

196
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,500
Oh, good.

197
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,067
You are an easy person
to meet,

198
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,233
to work with,

199
00:07:24,233 --> 00:07:26,700
to, um...

200
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,600
be with.

201
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,500
At least, I think so.

202
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:32,833
Thank you.

203
00:07:32,833 --> 00:07:35,267
I will set up
a meeting for you and Megyn.

204
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:36,500
If the two of you click,

205
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,667
the rewrite's yours.

206
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,600
What were you doing
in Charles' office?

207
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,100
Uh.

208
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,767
Honestly,

209
00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,133
I was throwing
my hat in the ring

210
00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:52,300
for that Megyn Vernoff
book doctoring gig

211
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,167
as a side thing.

212
00:07:57,767 --> 00:07:59,767
I was very ambitious
at your age too.

213
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:01,067
But a word to the wise.

214
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,233
Climbing too quickly
is dangerous.

215
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,400
You might find you don't
have the right equipment

216
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,800
at altitude,

217
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,167
and your friends
won't be there to help you.

218
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:24,400
Here's to your first
professional writing assignment.

219
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,533
I've got to admit,
I'm pretty excited.

220
00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:28,933
So what's it about?

221
00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:30,567
It's about this woman

222
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:33,333
who's been sexually shut down

223
00:08:33,333 --> 00:08:35,267
'cause she's been
in a dead marriage.

224
00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:39,067
And she has
this kind of awakening.

225
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:40,433
What awakens her?

226
00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,067
She has an affair
with her son's karate teacher.

227
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,067
And how exactly
does he awaken her?

228
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:51,433
- Yeah.

229
00:08:51,433 --> 00:08:52,400
Okay.

230
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:58,433
When he first kisses her,

231
00:08:58,433 --> 00:09:01,400
he kisses her very, very softly.

232
00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:08,500
Not like it's a bore,

233
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:09,867
more like she's a dessert,

234
00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:12,967
and he wants to savor
every mouthful of her.

235
00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:14,267
Then what happens?

236
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:19,500
Then he lays her down
on his bed

237
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,833
and tells her not to move.

238
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:24,967
She has to stay
absolutely still

239
00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:28,167
while he kisses
every centimeter of her body

240
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:32,867
from the top of her head
to the tips of her toes.

241
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:37,533
Do they ever take a bath?

242
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,733
They could.

243
00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:40,900
I could write
that passage.

244
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:42,267
What'd happen?

245
00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:43,667
Mm.

246
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,100
Maybe she would look
at his body

247
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:47,400
in the glistening water,

248
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,200
and the water would be
warm and slippery.

249
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,833
And then maybe
she would take his...

250
00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:58,433
Sorry, guys.

251
00:09:58,433 --> 00:10:00,800
I think I left my--yeah,
here's my phone right here.

252
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,333
Uh, hi, Liza.

253
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:04,767
Yeah, I found it.
I didn't see anything.

254
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:05,767
I hate him.

255
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,233
* Together, we can change
the world *

256
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:10,867
* Change the world

257
00:10:10,867 --> 00:10:12,500
* Together,
we can change the world *

258
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,700
Simon, you're not riding your
bike alone to Queens.

259
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:15,700
Do you hear me?

260
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,333
Why?

261
00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:20,767
Because you are 11 and white
enough to be thrown into a van.

262
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:22,267
This is end of story.

263
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:23,733
I am hanging up.

264
00:10:23,733 --> 00:10:25,000
I'm hanging up.

265
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,667
I'm han--

266
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:28,667
Little shit.

267
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,100
Are you Liza?

268
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,367
Yes, Megyn, hi.
It's so nice to meet you.

269
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:33,700
What'd you hate
about my book?

270
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,033
Oh, no.
I didn't hate anything.

271
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:39,533
I just think there
could be more of everything.

272
00:10:39,533 --> 00:10:41,033
Like what?
More what?

273
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:43,633
Um, okay, for example,

274
00:10:43,633 --> 00:10:46,333
when Mindy first has sex
with Joey,

275
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:50,867
"he bangs her hard in the dark
closet behind the dojo."

276
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,267
Mm-hmm, right.

277
00:10:52,267 --> 00:10:54,333
Maybe that could be
a little more romantic.

278
00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:56,267
Like, how?

279
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:58,633
Maybe they could
actually see each other.

280
00:10:58,633 --> 00:10:59,700
Right.

281
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,233
Once you've had three kids,

282
00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:03,233
your stomach's like
a deflated basketball.

283
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:04,500
So mm-mm.

284
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:08,067
Everything on this menu
is kale.

285
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:11,067
Maybe Joey doesn't mind
Mindy's flaws.

286
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:12,600
Maybe they're impressive,

287
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,433
like battle scars.

288
00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:16,467
Are you serious?

289
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,333
How old are you?

290
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:19,600
26, 27?

291
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:20,967
Around there.

292
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,833
Well, most of my readers
are over 40,

293
00:11:22,833 --> 00:11:25,533
and, believe me,
the whole game changes.

294
00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:26,933
You have no idea

295
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,500
what it's like
after you have kids.

296
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,433
I can imagine.

297
00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,467
Oh, yeah?

298
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:34,233
What can you imagine?

299
00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:37,333
I imagine that giving birth
doesn't feel like a miracle.

300
00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:40,267
It feels more like--like
you've been in a car accident.

301
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,900
Your whole body hurts
for weeks.

302
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,233
And then you start nursing,

303
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,500
and you feel like
a dairy production animal,

304
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,500
especially if you pump.

305
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,133
And you're so tired,

306
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:49,867
and you get these little white
bumps on the back of your arms,

307
00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:51,167
and every shirt you own
is stained,

308
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,600
and your husband looks
at you like,

309
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,067
"Oh, my God,
what happened?"

310
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,600
And the last thing you can think
about is having sex.

311
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,133
It's like you're never going
to find

312
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,467
that part of yourself again.

313
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,400
Okay, keep going.

314
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,867
Okay.

315
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:08,367
Pinot Grigio.

316
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:21,133
* She got it now

317
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:22,900
* She got it now, now

318
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,767
* She got it now

319
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:25,800
She hated you.

320
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,600
What?

321
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,867
Yeah, it's that chemistry thing,
so don't take it personally.

322
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,067
I really thought we connected.

323
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:32,500
Maybe you did.

324
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,467
But she didn't feel like
you could realistically

325
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:37,167
get into the head
of a woman in her 40s.

326
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:38,333
What are you gonna do?

327
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,433
You're--
you're just too young.

328
00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:48,467
It was so nice to meet you,
Hayley.

329
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,767
Diana, thank you so much
for your time.

330
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,100
I will hold on
to your resume.

331
00:12:58,233 --> 00:12:59,900
Oh, that's a friend of mine's
daughter.

332
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:01,900
She just graduated
from Harvard.

333
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:03,600
There are so many of you
out there.

334
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:14,733
The thing that
we love most about our Laura

335
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:15,933
is that she never gives up.

336
00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:17,333
- No, no, never.
- Never.

337
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:18,900
She is the master of the encore.

338
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,133
- Mm-hmm.

339
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,500
Her second try
at the SATs...

340
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,733
Second time
she went to college.

341
00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:24,900
Her second nose job.

342
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:27,633
Well, no, as plain as the nose
on her face.

343
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:28,633
What we're saying--

344
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,367
So I don't see a watch on Thad.

345
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:31,967
I know.
I thought about what you said.

346
00:13:31,967 --> 00:13:35,267
And, um, you're right.
It's a dead giveaway.

347
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,100
We'd now like to bring to Bima

348
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,800
the star in all of our lives,

349
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:43,800
our daughter, the beautiful
Lauren Tovah Heller.

350
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:49,933
We're so proud of you.

351
00:13:49,933 --> 00:13:52,733
Who's ready to worship?

352
00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:55,400
Uh, my Torah portion today
tells the story

353
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,300
of Jacob,
son of Isaac and Rebecca.

354
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:01,067
Jacob lied to his father,

355
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:02,633
pretending to be his brother

356
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,400
in order to unfairly win
their father's blessing.

357
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,067
Wait, that's in the Torah?

358
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:10,067
I could have sworn that's
an episode of Game of Thrones.

359
00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:12,300
Today,

360
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:14,733
I am the older,
serving my younger self,

361
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,667
bearing my honest feelings
with all of you.

362
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:19,067
Because being honest
with the people we love

363
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,900
is what today
is really all about.

364
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:24,633
Yes, at my first Bat Mitzvah,

365
00:14:24,633 --> 00:14:26,733
I didn't have the nerve to kiss
the person that I wanted.

366
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,600
But tonight, I'm hot,
and I'm kissing who I want.

367
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:30,800
Shabbat shalom!

368
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,300
- Shabbat shalom.
- Shabbat shalom.

369
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,767
Yo, yo, yo.
What's up?

370
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:37,700
I'm K-Run
AKA "Your mama's sperm bank."

371
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:41,633
And I'm your emcee/panty-dropper
for the night.

372
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:42,700
Uh, yeah.

373
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,067
* I'm adoring Lauren Heller *

374
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,433
* She's hella hot *

375
00:14:45,433 --> 00:14:47,733
* But at 13,
she was most def not *

376
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,400
* Skinny with pimples,
getting dissed by the cutie *

377
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,067
* Now look who's got a good job
and a small booty *

378
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,667
* Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh

379
00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:56,867
* Uh

380
00:14:56,867 --> 00:15:00,067
*

381
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,467
* Uh-huh, uh-huh

382
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,200
* Come on, let's see it,
Ken and Barbie *

383
00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:07,467
Not gonna happen, bro.

384
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:09,400
Oh, something's gonna happen,
huh?

385
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,267
Come on.
A little robot, huh?

386
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,867
Come on, girl.

387
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:16,633
Huh, what?
Come on. Show me some love.

388
00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,800
Okay, you two.
Come with me, you two.

389
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,300
- It's going to be fine.

390
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,600
Liza, Josh, hi.
Your presence is required.

391
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,867
Come.
Come this way.

392
00:15:26,867 --> 00:15:28,333
- Maggie.
- Hi.

393
00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:29,367
- Hi.
- Hey.

394
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:30,867
- Come with me.
- Okay.

395
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,667
Please arrange yourselves.

396
00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:42,167
Okay, since you are
all my closest friends,

397
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,600
I wanted to make
a special toast.

398
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,300
Thank you for coming tonight.

399
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:46,967
I know that I can be kind
of out there sometimes,

400
00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:49,133
but all of you guys accept me
and support me,

401
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:51,867
and that just--
it means everything.

402
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:53,167
To my friends.

403
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,067
L'chaim, bitches!

404
00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:00,267
* So high

405
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:05,467
* I'm--I'm--I'm so high *

406
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,233
Oh, my God.
This is horrible.

407
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,600
What is that?

408
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,500
That's my special Hot Mitzvah
shooter,

409
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:11,833
Manischewitz and Molly.

410
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:12,833
What?

411
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,200
You are crazy.

412
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,900
Oh, we are so not golfing
with your parents tomorrow.

413
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,700
What are they talking about?
What's Molly?

414
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,067
MDMA.
Pure Ecstasy.

415
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,367
What?

416
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:26,067
Best Hot Mitzvah ever!

417
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,967
Whoo!

418
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,700
* She like it,
she know that *

419
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,067
* She like it

420
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:37,067
How do you know
if you're rolling?

421
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:38,267
How are you feeling?

422
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:41,933
Like every hair on my body
is happy.

423
00:16:41,933 --> 00:16:45,733
And I'm wrapped in a warm
blanket of music.

424
00:16:45,733 --> 00:16:47,933
You're definitely rolling.

425
00:16:47,933 --> 00:16:49,233
Hey, you guys want
some water?

426
00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:52,167
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Oh, God.

427
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:53,167
Oh, God.

428
00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:54,133
Okay.

429
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:55,567
Thank you.

430
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:56,767
You look wonderful.

431
00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:00,900
I'm gonna start wearing,
like, big gold belts.

432
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:03,300
That is, like,
the best you have ever had.

433
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,200
I thought I could never be
with you.

434
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,567
We should just, like,
talk all night.

435
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:08,833
Yes.

436
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,167
There.
There. I did it.

437
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,400
I finally got to kiss
the person I wanted to.

438
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,400
Okay.

439
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,933
Uh, yeah.

440
00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:27,667
Uh, I-I-I'll talk to you.

441
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:28,733
Definitely.

442
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:31,967
Wow.

443
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:36,967
* Oh, he's so enticed
by the way I'm moving *

444
00:17:36,967 --> 00:17:38,200
I don't say this enough,

445
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,233
but you're the best boyfriend.

446
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,833
You're the best girlfriend.

447
00:17:41,833 --> 00:17:43,067
- Yeah.

448
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,700
That's why I got you this.

449
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,867
What?

450
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:48,433
Yeah, I was gonna give it
to you later,

451
00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:49,533
but I can't wait.

452
00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:51,067
Oh, my God.

453
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:54,267
It's the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.

454
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:55,267
Yeah?

455
00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:59,633
Yeah.

456
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:01,867
Wait a minute.

457
00:18:01,867 --> 00:18:04,300
You're not giving me
this for no reason.

458
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,933
Babe--

459
00:18:07,933 --> 00:18:11,133
You're, like--
it's like--

460
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,800
Um, I went to a strip club
with some of the guys from work.

461
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:18,867
And I got a lap dance
and went a little too far.

462
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:27,400
You know what,

463
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,800
I bought you a watch,

464
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,467
a really expensive watch.

465
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:34,300
Are you saying what I think
you're saying?

466
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:38,700
I'm saying, I think it would
a lot cheaper for both of us

467
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,333
if we were just monogamous.

468
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:42,367
All right.

469
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:43,667
We have a deal?

470
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:44,867
Yes.

471
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:45,933
- We have a deal.

472
00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:57,067
*

473
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,933
Oh, my God.
I love you.

474
00:19:06,933 --> 00:19:10,167
I love you too.

475
00:19:16,733 --> 00:19:19,233
Hey, I mean it.

476
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:20,433
You do?

477
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:21,433
Yeah.

478
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,633
I mean, you--you're smart,

479
00:19:23,633 --> 00:19:25,800
and you're beautiful,

480
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,100
and I love how you're just game
for anything.

481
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,867
I love how I feel
when I'm around you.

482
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:35,367
I love you.

483
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:39,133
I love you.

484
00:19:39,133 --> 00:19:41,067
I love you too, Josh.

485
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:47,900
That's why I have
to tell you this.

486
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:54,300
I'm a 40-year-old mom
from New Jersey.

487
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,100
I totally know
how you feel.

488
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:59,100
Sometimes I feel like I'm a
90-year-old fisherman in Japan.

489
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:01,867
No, I mean it.
I mean it.

490
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,433
I'm not in my 20s.
I really am 40.

491
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,600
Liza, get in here!

492
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,667
Oh!