[A$AP Ferg's "New Level" playing]
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Turn my vocals up A little more, please ♪
♪ A$AP ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ A$AP ♪
♪ Yeah, a little bit more ♪
-♪ Yeah, I'm on it, yeah! ♪ -♪ Woof! Woof! ♪
-♪ I'm on it, I'm on it ♪ -♪ Woof! Woof! Ay! ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ Oh! ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ I'm on a new level ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ Uh, uh, yeah! ♪
♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪
♪ Put these niggas in the dirt ♪
♪ Chain with the new bezel ♪
♪ All my niggas put in work ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ I'm on a new level ♪
♪ I'm on a new level ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪
-♪ Yeah! ♪ -♪ Put these niggas in the dirt ♪
♪ Used to be sleeping on itchy beds ♪
♪ Bedbugs in the motel ♪
♪ Now your bitch give me head ♪
♪ Twenty bitches in the hotel ♪
♪ On a ramen noodle diet ♪
♪ Tour life wasn't so well ♪
♪ All my niggas starting riots ♪
♪ Mosh-pitting on your toenails ♪
-♪ I'm on a new level ♪ -♪ I'm on a new level ♪
-♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
♪ All my niggas put in work ♪
Housekeeping!
-Arm yourselves, gentlemen. -[key scanner beeps]
Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna say it, and then I'll drop it.
But what about my jeans club idea?
Right? Twenty dollars a month
for access to over 10,000 pairs of jeans?
Who wouldn't buy that?
Well, almost everybody we asked about it. Right?
What about my hot-tutor idea?
Kids would study harder if their tutor was really hot, right?
We just needed to build up our-- our stable of tutoresses.
Yeah, well, maybe when you called them a "stable of tutoresses"
on the Craigslisting... that was a bad idea.
We could come up with other names.
The whole point is that it's a weird concept
to hire women to take off their clothes for children.
Why am I coming up with the ideas, right? I'm not the idea guy.
Darren, that's you. You're the idea guy.
I'm the "why." You're the "what."
Baby Dunc, you're the "how."
So let's put it into high gear right now, baby.
Why? Because our lives suck.
I did my part. What are we gonna do about it, Darren?
And how are we gonna do it, Baby Dunc?
Let's go! Let's freakin'...
[imitates engine revving] ...put it into high gear.
Yeah, let's kick it into high gear. Sell me some salvia.
-I'm about to get high. -Darren.
Darren, you're a drug addict. And I'm here to help.
-I got you. There you go. -Thank you, baby.
Enjoy that.
-Ooh. -What the hell are you doing, man?
I'm a hustler. "I'm a-- I'm a hustler."
I'm basically the Rick Ross of our friendship tripod.
[Darren] What's the big deal?
Weed does not do the trick anymore.
-This stuff does. -Really great.
I'm not gonna become the mom from Moonlight.
[scoffs] Yeah, no. I know what that movie's about.
I steered clear of that one.
I'm more of a La La Land guy.
La-la boy.
[lighter flicks]
[exhaling] Bye-bye.
[with alien voice] Latro.
[laughing]
-Gonna start tweakin'. -Yeah.
-[Alexxx] He's gonna start tweakin'! -[Darren groans]
Oh, my God. Look at the size of this dude's load!
-What? -Look at this thing!
-[Joel] Don't touch it. -[Darren shouts comically]
-That's a heavy hitter. -[Darren babbling]
Whoa. Yeah, no.
It's like Nickelodeon Gak.
[speaking incoherently]
-The consistency's thick, like flubber. -Mm.
Rub some on our shoes, see if we can play basketball.
-[Darren babbles] -I mean, his nut sack must be gigantoid.
-[laughing] Yeah. -Right? Just big old sack
-to produce that. -I don't really wanna imagine
any nut sacks,
but I will say the only thing that would make me blow a load that big
is a really hot babe, right? I am right?
-[clears throat] Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
I mean, look. They're everywhere, man.
[Alexxx] There's one. There's one.
This guy's busting loads all over this room.
That's what we should be doing.
We should be busting loads into condoms
or maybe even not into condoms if she's tested.
[gurgling]
He's chuggin' champagne like a freakin' boss!
I'm over here-- I'm holding on to the poop side of this scrubber.
Sure, yes. I've heard all of this before.
We should be wearing diamonds, collecting albino pythons, dating on Raya.
Raya?
We're not, okay? We're here.
-This is our life. -[Darren gurgling]
That's still fizzy. It's pretty good. You might want some.
-What was that? -[Alexxx] Oh, he's tweaking.
Here, here. Grab a condom. Put it on his face. I'll take a picture.
-Oh, you are a dog. -[barking]
-[Alexxx] That's what he gets. -[laughing] Oh, my God.
Ooh, we got the snakeskin.
-[Joel] Don't do drugs. -No!
-Okay. -No!
-Put it on his face. -Take the photo.
-Take the picture. Take a photo. -No.
I will as soon as you put it on his face.
-I'm not going to. Just take the photo. -Just put it on his face.
-He'll get an STD. -All the ejac is inside of the condom.
-Take the photo. -[shouting]
-Grab it! -[Darren shouts]
[Joel] The outside, the woman--
-she could have one, obviously. -[woman gasps]
-Well, she-- -Hey!
[babbles incoherently]
What's wrong with him?
-Yep. Darren! -No!
-All right, just stop. -Darren.
[Alexxx] Okay. Joel, I got this. Come on.
You want some salvia? Huh?
[man] Get the fuck out of my room.
[woman] Get out, maids.
We're not maids. We're housekeepers.
-Not even that hot. -Yeah, dude, you're not even that hot.
I was talking about the chick, Baby Dunc.
[strained] Yeah, so was I.
It's 2018. You can call chicks dudes now.
-Okay. -You can.
[whispering] What the heck are you guys doing?
Hey, dude. See?
[laughs softly]
-[foot stomps] -[whispering] Is he high again?
No.
I don't think he's being truthful. I have to call Mitch.
Wish you wouldn't.
-[Joel] Don't do that! -[Cassie] Hi, Mitch.
-It's Cassie. -Don't do that to your boy.
-Jesus Christ. -What?
Pick him up. Put him on the cart.
Come on, Darren. [struggling] Come on, come on.
[grunts] Jesus.
♪ Dollar-dollar bill, y'all Cash rules everything around me ♪
♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪
♪ Dollar-dollar bill, y'all ♪
So they were yelling at hotel guests and smoking dope.
-Is that right? -Yes.
Yelling at guests, screaming obscenities.
Well, Tums... boys will be boys.
You still want that associate manager promotion, don't you?
Well, honey, tonight is your chance to prove it.
All right?
Hope you got your balls on, now.
[stammers]
[whimpers] No, I have--
uh, yes, I have giant, uh, lady-- lady parts
that hang like balls.
They're also called ovaries. Those are inside.
Good, 'cause we have got a shit storm of a party heading our way tonight.
Boys, I'm gonna need you working too.
Toni-- what? Are you serious?
[whistles] Corky! This is Mr. Ahmad.
He is the personal attaché of the Bey of Tunisia.
Oh, like the butler from Fresh Prince?
Very neat.
-I'm far from a butler. [laughs] -[Joel] Wonder what happened to that guy.
[Darren] Oh, that dude's paid. He's doing fine.
Bey Awadi. The rich dude from Instagram?
This is who we speak of.
Aw, I love that dude.
He takes all the pictures with the hot models
and the guns and the hovercrafts,
and the hot models shooting guns on hovercrafts.
Yeah, didn't he poop off the Eiffel Tower?
-[Alexxx] Mm-mm, no. -Yeah.
He paid a man $10,000 to poop off the Eiffel Tower.
[snickers] That's what's up.
He pays dudes tons of money all the time
-to do, like, stupid shit. -Wow.
-Dudes. -What?
We should pitch him the...
We should... pitch in tonight.
At the party. And be a team player.
Also, I should mention, uh, no cameras. That includes cell phones.
-Privacy... a great concern of the Bey. -All right, copy that. Give them up, boys.
-What, now? -[Mitch] Yeah.
Hashtag "right now." What is it with you kids and the phones? Come on.
You'll get 'em back at the end of the night.
Okay. Now...
you guys have some place to be? I bet you do, huh?
So fucking get there!
Oh, hey!
Sack up now, Tums. Big night, right?
Yes!
-I can't get in there. -[laughs]
I call her Tums 'cause she relieves my heartburn.
[chuckles] Always been a nickname guy,
even when I was back QB-ing at USC. [bites into apple]
Our security team should be arriving soon.
Great.
Hey, wanna go for one?
-No. -Blue.
-Forty-two! Hut, hut, hut, huh? -What are we doing?
-Wanna go? -I don't know what--
All right. Fuck it.
-[trash can clangs loudly] -Oh!
Right in the numbers! [laughs]
I still got it.
I'll race you down there. Come on!
[bounce music playing]
[woman moans]
Don't be stingy, papi.
-Kisses. [smooching] -[woman] You like that?
[woman] It's for you.
-Uh, I have to go. -Okay, bye. Bye, sexy.
[guard] Hey. I'm Ray.
Mitch usually has me run security for these special events.
Uh, but you look like you know what you're doing.
[chuckling] I'm just here for the payday, right?
That makes two of us.
Aah!
Donald, get linked up with our offshore bank accounts
as soon as possible.
Well, you didn't bring me along
'cause I look like the black nerd from Die Hard...
'cause I don't.
Roger, I'm sick of it.
We need to secure the building and arm the exits
with our explosive triggers before we can take control of the rooftop.
So until then, consider yourselves "hotel security."
And once the Bey gives us his account access codes
and Donald transfers the money...
we pull out.
Gentlemen... let's move.
Oh, and... someone get rid of the body.
You should grab his ankles. You're good at that.
-Fuck off, fag. -Ooh. [laughs]
You'd seriously wanna pitch the Bey of Tunisia
one of our million-dollar ideas?
-Yeah. -If we're pitching an idea--
-We're pitching! -[Darren] What are we pitching?
[exhales] We could go with my jeans club idea.
Hot tutors.
Medieval Times: breakfast, lunch, and tournament?
I don't ever wanna hear about Medieval Times BLT ever again.
Okay, they only do dinner.
We would do breakfast and lunch. That's two more meals!
We would totally knock 'em out of the medieval dining space.
Oh, that's a huge market.
Okay, you guys have good ideas? I wanna hear 'em. I'm excited to hear 'em.
-[sighs] -[Alexxx] I feel like I'm the only one
crushing ideas out the gate.
Skintendo Joysuit?
Uh, what? No. Baby Dunc...
Yeah, we're going Skintendo. I like it.
All right, you know what? I hate to be this guy,
but that dude's not gonna invest in Skintendo.
Not in a million Willenniums.
So, it's like that?
We finally have a shot
to fulfill our childhood dreams
and you guys wanna let it float on past?
[bellowing] It's... like... dat?
-[Darren sighs] -I don't know about you,
but I don't wanna be picking up nut-stuffed condoms
for the rest of my life without knowing what type of sex they had with it.
Was it missionary? Was it doggy?
Was it doggy butt? Was it side-style butt? I don't know.
Yeah, Alexxx, we all wanna know how people are fucking each other, okay?
-Obviously. -It's obvious.
-Mostly all I think about. -Yeah, I mean, I can keep going.
-Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl. -Plow-girl.
-Where you take the legs and you-- -Yeah.
I'm just saying, we don't have the Joysuit.
Right? There's no screen to play Lumber Jackson.
-Right. -Okay.
You ready? Okay, you're the QB. You're the running back.
Giving you the ball. Run with it.
You need to write down all the technical mumbo jumbo
so the Bey understands what this thing is.
-Right? -That's a lot of work.
Darren, I'm gonna get you markers, a poster board.
You're gonna draw Lumber Jackson
so beautifully-- muscles just popping.
Shredded, baby!
And you're gonna draw the Skintendo. Right? The whole Joysuit.
Make it look pretty, and then I'm gonna pitch that motherfucker.
-Okay. -Dollar-dollar bills, y'all.
[imitates explosion] Boom! Put it in.
Dew'd Crew in full effect!
Finally fulfilling our destiny of being childhood billionaires.
Let's do it! Hands in.
[whispering] Everybody put your hands in. Hands in.
Put your fist in. Put your fist in.
Dew'd Crew!
-I fucking love you guys. I'm so excited. -Okay.
-Yes! I'll go get supplies. -All right.
Yeah, just, uh, go get those markers, man. Sick.
What the fuck was that?
What?
I mean, c-come on. He's gonna pitch something.
It might as well be Skintendo.
Listen, dum-dum.
We can't pitch any of the upgrades.
We can't pitch the wireless connectivity, the friend-controller mode.
Because if we do, Alexxx is gonna know
that we've been working on Skintendo without him.
I'm just sick of working here, all right?
We should've told him from the beginning.
No, no. What?
He would've turned it into some moneymaking idea,
and that's not what it is to us. Right?
-[quietly] Right. -And we're not gonna tell him now,
'cause he'll probably just...
kill himself. Or someone. I don't know.
I can just see him going into a rage and... biting people. Children.
Bitten children. Blood on your hands.
-[Darren sighs] -[Joel] Fine.
So we pitch Bey, he laughs us off,
and we go back to working on the idea... together, secretly.
[exhales]
The fuck is that?
-It's a vape pen, Baby Dunc. -Okay.
Well, you look like a tool smoking that thing.
[mockingly] Well, I'm not "smoking" it.
I'm vaping it.
[inhales]
[suspenseful music playing]
Ah, these your boys?
I believe so. Mr. Drothers.
-Mr. Ahmad. We, uh, spoke over the phone. -Please. Conrad.
-This is Donald. This is Erma. -[Mitch] You brought your girlfriend, huh?
I'm not his girlfriend.
[whispering] Noted.
So did you guys, uh, meet up with Ray?
Ray isn't going to make it.
But I assure you, he briefed me. Thoroughly.
Okay, Conrad.
If Ray briefed you so thoroughly...
...he left out the most important detail of the evening.
[music intensifying]
No hats.
No hats. I guess the Bey likes to be the only guy wearing a hat.
Which I get, you know, 'cause I'm a hat guy myself.
But, uh... really, love the Kangol, but...
Maybe call you Kangol-roo.
[Conrad] Uh... [chuckling]
-Kangol-roo, huh? How about that? -[all chuckling]
Come on. Let's go have a party, huh?
Let's have some fun.
I'm gonna dance with you tonight, my dear.
[imitating dance beat]
♪ Have a word for your brother ♪
♪ Have some time for one another ♪
♪ Really love one another ♪
♪ It's so hard to find ♪
♪ Have a word for your brother... ♪
[laughs] Whoo!
Catch me, dudes! [shouts and grunts]
-[crowd gasps] -♪ Really love one another... ♪
Yeah, so I met Bey-- uh, he was doing a TED Talk
in Vegas... on being 'bout it.
We had a moment, and now we're good friends. [chuckles]
Well, we're not good friends, actually. I w... I would say... acquaintances.
You know what? [stammers] I'm hoping to meet him tonight.
Keep your eyes peeled. The Bey's somewhere here.
[Darren] Whoa! Oh! Action Bronson right over here.
[clears throat] Excuse me, Mr. Bronson. Can I interest you in a pulled pork...
barbecue quesadilla...
with corn relish.
Fuck, that's fuckin' delicious, man.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-He spit it out but said it was delicious. -Yes.
Maybe he's watching his calorie intake. He is wearing athletic wear.
Ho-ly shit.
There he is...
the Bey.
Oh, my God, he is the man.
Even his little dog has 100,000 followers.
-Wow. -Yeah, I don't know,
it looks like he's having fun.
We should probably just let him do his thang.
Maybe we, uh, hang in the cut? You know, have him come to us?
"The cut"? There's no cut.
-Action's in the cut. -[stammering]
We're not gonna be in the cut if-- whatever.
Let's go. It's game time.
Hey, yo, I had this pet hyena once, right?
Then that motherfucker died. Ehh!
More appeteezees for the Bey.
Then I had that motherfucker stuffed, put a Fleshlight in back,
and then I fucked the shit out that bitch.
It's like necrophilia and bestiality in one.
-[Bey] It's hilarious! -[laughter]
[laughs] That is hilarious.
Pulled pork quesadilla...
-with a corn relish, anyone? -Yo.
That sounds bomb as fyuck right now.
Throw one into my open mouth.
-Really? -[Bey] Yeah, bro.
-Okay. -Ah...
[laughter]
-Oh, I nailed it! -[Bey] Make it rain!
-Makin' it rain! -Come on!
[all shouting, laughing]
Oh, that shit was dope. I'm covered in grease, baby.
-Yo, you're my dude. -Thank you so much.
And this shit is on punto.
[laughs] Hey, um...
Bey-Bey, may I ask you a question?
-What that, bro? -[shouting] Do you like black people?
Because Lumber Jackson is the first
full-body-controlled blaxploitation video game ever.
Now, using our revolutionary Skintendo Joysuit technology...
Excuse me. Step away immediately.
Yo, Ahmad, chill the fuck out, bro.
I'm trying to listen to the man.
-Thank you. -[Ahmad] I'm chilled out.
I arranged this chilled-out party.
I got Shaggy to perform. [laughs]
[mockingly] Uh, Shaggy?
Man, busted-ass Shaggy ain't performing shit, a'ight?
And put that dusty-ass BlackBerry away.
This primitive-ass, prehistoric motherfucker.
I'm sorry, guys, 2018, this dude ain't got a touch screen?
You big fucking tree.
[laughing] Goddamn.
What a bitch-ass.
-He's just a butler. -[Alexxx] Yeah, you suck.
Yeah, you got low self-esteem. Fuck off, bro.
Anyway, you were saying, my dude?
That suit controls that video game character?
-Yes, actually. -Oh, yeah.
-And here... -Yeah, this is the schematics right here.
You know, I built it, programmed it.
[Bey] Oh, my God.
Bro, please approach us and just unzip your trousers
and pull that dick out so we could just see
what the penis head of a genius really looks like.
-Know what I'm saying? -Pull your dick out.
Well, to be honest, uh, it would be my penis head pulled out.
I'm the genius that came up with the whole concept, the idea.
I'm not gonna pull my dick out.
Oh, okay. That's a cute little cartoon,
but did you build the motherfucker?
-Yeah, no, we have. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, we built it.
And there's actually some new features too,
like, uh, friend-control mode,
where, uh, you can actually control the person wearing the Skintendo Joysuit.
It's... it's revolutionary.
Damn. Oh, yo, yo, I'm gonna need, like, three of those
for, like, blap, blap, blap. You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I love fucking white women. Makes me feel powerful,
especially if I can control them, you know what I mean?
Yes! I forgot about friend-control mode. But you know who didn't forget about it?
Sony and Microsoft when we pitched them this idea.
And they were super into it. But you know what I said to them?
Fuck y'all!
'Cause the Dew'd Crew wants to do business with the Bey.
The Dew'd Crew? Wait, wait, wait. Time-out, time-out.
'Cause y'all drink mad Mountain Dew?
-[gasps] -You got it!
Yes, that's exactly right.
-How did you... -Wow.
Yo, motherfucker, me too! Holy shit, dude!
-You ever fuck with Baja Blast? -[Bey] Oh, you know I do. You know I do!
-So good. -[Bey] Ah, man--
-Code Red over here! -This is Code Red boy.
Fuck, I love you guys!
Let's talk numbers. How much money we talking about?
Bey Awadi. Sorry, this-- this feels like
just the sort of frivolous investment we spoke about not partaking in.
My dude, just because you told me not to, why don't you "par-take" my checkbook out
and then write these motherfuckers a check
for 200-frivolous-fucking-thousand-dollars
so they can chase their goddamn dreams? Am I right? Yezzir.
Oh, and then please scrub out my hyena's pussy,
'cause I'm trying to fuck that shit later.
-[laughter] -You should fuck it.
Treat yo'self. Oh, my God!
Cool. Get the fuck out of here.
-Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. -[Bey] Go. Get out, get out.
[Alexxx] We'll talk more numbers later.
-Thank you. -Bye, take care.
All right, y'all. I'm spending paper tonight.
[Alexxx] It's just the beginning!
Not happening.
Apologies, Corky. Let's go, boys. Let's go.
Let's go!
Cassie! Cassie! Tums!
Tums, meet me at the elevator.
-Come on, boys. -But our check.
[grunts, groans]
-[crowd gasps] -[Joel groaning]
[coughing]
[intense music playing]
-Fuck off. -[hoarsely] Yeah, I was just...
Yeah, we're going.
-Get up. Get out of here. -[Joel whimpering] Ow. Goddamn.
These three idiots just tried to sell a goddamn video game to the Bey!
I thought I told you to sack up!
[stammers, chuckles] I'm sorry. I didn't--
You didn't-- you didn't want that promotion?
Yeah, you made that pretty clear.
Boys! You're fired.
-Yeah. -No fucking way, Mitch.
He was assaulted.
[Mitch] Out! Out you go!
-[grumbling] We're going. -Cassie...
-[sighs] ...get back to work. -[Cassie] Yes, sir.
That's quite a stiff arm you got there, huh?
You all right? Huh? That paw of yours need a little ice?
-My hand is fine. -Ah.
Well, how about a little ice for those nipples, huh?
[ominous music playing]
[laughing] Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Yeah, you like that, huh?
Oh, that's hot.
Oh, that is hot, lady.
You wanna play?
-[Mitch] I do. -[Erma] Okay.
-[Mitch] Oh, I knew it. Oh. -[Erma] What about this?
-Yeah. Ooh. -Mm.
Speaking of stiff... [chuckles]
-[flesh squelches] -[shouts]
-[blood squirts] -[Erma cackles]
Not my pecker! [groans dizzily]
[groans softly]
[whispering] Whoopsie-daisy.
-[Alexxx grunts angrily] -All I'm saying is,
you win some, you lose some.
The key to our jiggy fuckin' lifestyle is tucked in that butler's pocket.
My name is Alexxx with three Xs.
I'm about to go explosive on these motherfuckers!
Three X means "poison," by the way.
-Uh, it's also a Vin Diesel movie. -[muttering] Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, well, it's also spicy barbecue sauce.
But I think we all know I meant it in the explicit fashion!
[dance music playing faintly]
My darling, have you lost your fucking mind?
Get him out of here. If they see him before we secure the build--
[intense music playing]
[Alexxx shouts]
[growls]
[Conrad] Lock down all exits.
We have three waiters on the run and they know.
Donald, it's time.
Copy that.
[knocking]
Hey, fellas. Bey Awadi's security here. We just have one question.
What's your question?
-Do you wanna die? -What?
[stammering] Whoa, hey, hey.
[men muttering indistinctly]
[paper crinkling]
What, y'all don't pack a lunch?
Man, take these clowns up to the roof with the rest.
-[guard] Okay. -Let's go.
[guard] Easy, man.
Locking down perimeter now.
[Conrad] Attention, all units. Operation Trespass begins now.
-[gunshot, people screaming] -Sweep the hotel.
Lock and arm all exits with breach sensors.
-We are taking over. -[gun firing]
-Move! Get down, stay down. -Hey, everybody be calm!
Just do what they say. Everything's gonna be okay.
Right? [quietly] Right?
-[people screaming] -[Bey] Oh!
Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!
-[Lil Puma whimpers] -[Bey] Shit. Fuck.
Yo, what the fuck, man? You're supposed to be guarding the party.
Party's over.
[intense music playing]
[Joel hyperventilating]
[splutters] Darren, stop vaping, all right?
-I can't breathe! -Just shut up! Okay?
As these doors open, they're gonna be waiting,
ready to cut cocks.
We'll hide. Hide in the shaft.
-Here, just help me up. Help me up. -What?
-Ow. Just-- what are you doing? -Oh-- oh!
-I found the latch. -Oh, seriously?
-I think I found it. -Well, go-- get in.
[elevator dings]
Shit.
They climbed into the elevator shaft.
They could be anywhere. Keep your eyes open.
-[elevator dings] -Gotta just get the thing--
-You said you found a latch. -No, I said I think I found a latch.
-Shut up, Baby Dunc. -[Joel panting]
Whoa.
No one's there.
Follow me.
Wait, I think we should turn ourselves in.
What? No. Go!
Not turning ourselves in. That's pussy shit.
They might appreciate the gesture.
Yeah, and they might cut our dicks off. We gotta get out and go for help.
We're not gonna go for help. Slide down this rail.
-It'll be badass. -What?
[Alexxx] Yeah.
[shouting]
[Alexxx] Oh! Oh, shit.
-[hoarsely] I need help. -[Alexxx] That was not badass. Come on!
[ominous music playing]
All exits confirmed as locked.
No sign of the waiters.
They locked the doors and we don't have our phones!
-We're screwed! -No shit, Baby Dunc.
We gotta get a landline.
Clear.
-I got two. -Quick, take 'em up with the rest.
-Ándale, bitch. -[maids whimper]
[all panting]
Let's move.
-[key scanner beeps] -[Erma] Tie them together.
One collar per group.
Now, listen up... if you want to live.
These collars are linked to sensors
that we have placed at every entrance of this building.
Anyone who attempts to enter or exit,
they detonate.
It's fucked up, right?
-You missed me. -[Conrad] Collect their cell phones
if they still have them.
And if they try anything funny, well...
[grunts]
...refrain from killing anyone unless I tell you.
We're not here to murder.
We're here to collect a toll from Bey Awadi
for trespassing on American soil.
You ain't touching my stacks, bro.
Really?
"In case of threat of violence or act of terror,
please do not challenge or defy assailants.
Comply with their demands at all times."
Did you read that in the manual or something?
No.
Well, yes, but... who cares?
It gives me everything I need to keep the hotel in order,
-no matter what. -This lady just shit her pants.
Is that in the manual too?
I... I did... I did not shit my pants.
I just want to make that clear.
Are you calling me a liar?
No, I'm saying you're very smart and you're picking up on something.
Maybe someone... someone did shit their pants.
And I'm not gonna say who.
-But someone. -Get her out of here.
-Yeah, get her out of here. Damn it. -[Conrad] Get you out of here.
-[squelching] -Oh, it's dripping.
And now it hit my anklet.
-[growls] -And my toe ring.
-[computer beeping] -[keys clacking]
We are locked down, boss.
And I'm very close to accessing the offshore accounts.
I know, I know.
"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."
I wasn't gonna say that.
The phones are dead.
No Internet either. No Wi-Fi, no DSL.
Jesus, this guy has so many tabs open. It's stressing me the fuck out.
[Alexxx] Guys, they cut the lines.
It's what they do.
[darkly] It's... what I'd do.
Hey, stop talking cool. Okay?
[man] Clear.
Oh, my God. There's two guys out there with guns.
-They're coming this way. -That's it. I'm done.
Wait, what are you... What's with the pockets?
-I'm showing them I'm unarmed. -[Alexxx] Shut up.
We can think of something. We can take 'em.
Darren, just think of something.
I can't. I got nothing, man.
-I... [stammers, coughs] -Fine.
-What are you... -[Alexxx] I got an idea.
I haven't done this in a long time.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Whoa!
What the fuck?
Look at this freaky fuck.
Hey, Rich, come in here. You gotta see this.
Jesus.
Rest in peace, you horny bastard.
-What's your problem? -[exhales heavily]
I just don't like the way this job is going.
-Everything's falling apart. -Ah. Hey, hey, hey.
By this time tomorrow, we'll be sitting poolside
sipping Coronas in Cabo, right?
I just don't wanna see you getting hurt.
You're sweet.
I love you.
I love you too.
[sensual music playing]
-Yeah. -Real quick.
Okay, yeah.
[chuckles]
[men moaning softly]
[whispering] Ew, right?
-[whispering] Stop! -[whispering] Sorry. Hey.
Hmm?
[whispering] You go around, grab the corner of the sheet...
[tense music playing]
Psst!
[Joel shouting]
[all shouting]
[shrieking]
[grunting]
Hit 'em with the lamp!
[screams] Wha... [shouts]
-[all grunting] -[shouting]
[groans]
Oh, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
[shouts]
-[gasps, wheezes] -Are you all right?
[wheezing]
Rich? Rich?
[grunts]
-[Joel] Ow. -[Darren] Uh...
Oh! Freeze! Shit.
You just killed the man of my dreams.
-Now you're gonna die. -[Darren] No, no.
He's just knocked out. Like the movie Friday. "He got knocked the fuck out!"
[growling]
[gripping music playing]
[choking] I'm sorry. I'm sorry I killed him.
I'll be your boyfriend.
-[growling] -[grunts]
I didn't do it.
[gasping]
Baby Dunc, are you okay?
[both gasping]
I think you killed him.
[wheezing]
[gasping] Sorry I didn't help,
but I got punched in the chest really hard one time.
We killed the bad guys. My plan worked!
What-- hey, stop it!
Your plan didn't work. You got them horny
and got me 300 kicked in the chest.
-Are you all right? -I'm fine!
We got these bitches right where we want them.
-Now we gotta just go through their shit. -Alexxx, no! No!
Leave their stuff alone. You're gonna make them madder.
Baby Dunc, what are you talking about? This is video games 101.
-You kill bad guys, you take their shit. -It's true.
Like you never played video games.
-Go close the fucking door. -Okay, yeah.
We got zip ties.
We got a fucking gun. We got a big-ass knife.
By the way, I get next kill. You guys are being total kill hogs--
-[gunshot] -[all shouting]
-What did you do? -Okay, and that is where the trigger is.
-Oh, my God. -[Alexxx] Now we know that.
I'm gonna go put on pants, so...
Oh, yeah, no. Good call, good call,
you're gonna wanna be fully clothed when you fucking blow your head off, man!
Why are you getting dressed in the closet?
We've already seen your dick, balls, and butthole.
-You guys saw my butthole? -A lot.
-I haven't shaved in months. -[Darren] Okay, this is it.
I'm stressing out. Alexxx, get back here and sell me salvia right now, man!
Yeah, Darren, I'm not gonna sell you salvia right now
'cause we're kind of under attack from terrorists.
Every time you open that, I see your dick. We need to get outta here.
We need to get away from bad people. We need to get help from good people.
If you wanna bail on the Bey and the Skintendo Joysuit to go get help,
fine, we can do that.
But we gotta do it in a badass fashion,
or we're gonna look like total fucking pussies.
We are pussies!
-We don't have to look like it, Baby Dunc! -Don't call me that.
Darren, think of something dope and badass to get us out.
-What? -Baby Dunc, implement the thing
that Darren's about to think of. Go.
I'm not coming up with the plan, okay?
[up-tempo video game music playing]
-Shit! I thought of something. -What?
Is it something I can build?
-Yeah. -Fuck.
Why do I have to be so goddamn industrious?
[Alexxx] Hey, guys? If you guys thought my dick was small,
it's 'cause the AC was really blasting earlier.
So that's the reason.
-[whispering] It's super hot, right? -It's very hot.
Alexxx, I...
you've got nothing to be ashamed of.
[tense music playing]
If you-- don't pull too much on this one, 'cause then this one gets pulled.
What the fuck, man?
Eagle Eye has been watching you, Bey Awadi.
The-- the U.S. militia faction? What do they want with him?
Sometimes the government's politically correct hands
get tied in knots, forcing people to protect their lands
from unwanted invasions.
[scoffs] "Invasions."
I'm not a fuckin' invader, bro.
I love America. I went to Florida State.
Peep the bill, bro.
I'm here to have fun, fuck,
drink, pop Molly.
What's more American than that, bro?
Money.
Five hundred million dollars transferred into an offshore account.
[chuckling] Five hundred million? You are crazy, Mr. Albino Bad Guy.
That's not gonna happen.
He doesn't have that kind of cash flow.
I-it's all tied up in assets, uh, bonds...
Does this free up some of those assets?
-[gun cocks, people gasp] -I get it.
This is a prank. It's just kind of dark, man, like...
Knoxville, you can come out now!
No! Steve-O! Steve, you okay?
-Come on, man. We told you we can't. -Th-th-there is a way.
Oh, dear.
An account a-access code. Only, uh, he and his father have it.
What the fuck are you doing?
He's playing nice.
Now it's your turn.
I can't, okay? If... if I give you those codes,
-my dad'll kill me, a'ight? -What's its name?
[Bey] Wh... what?
The dog.
-[Bey] The dog? -[Lil Puma whines]
-[Conrad] Mm. -Lil Puma.
Little Puma. Hi, pal.
-[growls] -Oh, that's a good boy.
Come to Uncle Conrad.
We have a couple of those extra breach sensors.
Get them with a corresponding collar.
Be careful with his hip dysplasia, please.
Of course, of course. You know, I love dogs. Big dogs, usually.
Little dogs not much, but this one
-has a great personality. -[Lil Puma whimpers]
No, no, no. What-- what are you doing?
There you go, Lil Puma. Go get it, boy.
-[Conrad] Oh, thank you very much. -[Bey] Don't do it.
Puma, stay. Stay, Puma.
-[sensors beeping] -No!
[collar beeping]
Why is this thing beeping?
-[all screaming] -Oh, shit!
[people screaming]
-[woman shrieks] -[blood spurts]
[woman sobbing]
I must have given you the nine... which was upside down.
That is my bad.
[inhales sharply] The lesson still stands.
The account numbers, or there will be more bloodshed.
Do it, Bey Awadi.
Okay. Okay, clear. Go.
-[Darren] Ready? -[Joel] Yeah.
[both grunt]
Zip-tie zip line. Baby Dunc, you genius.
Uh, it was my idea. [scoffs] You know, I saw the scaffolding.
I said, "Home Alone-style zip line."
-Okay, it's fine. Good work. -Thanks.
Okay. Are you ready to be Tom Brady? Because that's what's about to go down.
You're gonna become Tom Brady, Alexxx.
-Fuckin' Tom Brady, dog. -Yes.
-Yeah, you're Tom Brady. -Tom Brady, dog!
-Yeah, you're Tom Brady. -[both barking]
-Shh. -[both barking softly]
Here we go. [breathing purposefully]
[gripping music playing]
[all cheering]
-[laughing excitedly] -I'm Tom Brady!
-Tom Brady! -♪ We the Brady Bunch ♪
-[Darren] The what? What? Brady Bunch?
Do you think Tom Brady is in The Brady Bunch?
Yeah, it's the dad, right?
-No. -No, he isn't.
Oh, I thought that's who we...
He was cool, though. He was really cool. He had a hell of a... arm.
Okay, why don't you just show us how my zip line works, Joel?
-Yeah. -Right, right. Um...
Okay, so basically, I rigged up this ironing board,
-like a harness. -[Darren] Right.
[Joel] And then you kind of use it like a hang glider. Okay...
-[Alexxx] Yeah? -[Joel] Yeah.
Kevin McCallister would be proud.
Maybe even Tom Brady.
-Don't talk about Tom Brady. -Who's he?
-Just don't talk about him. -[Darren] All right.
[Alexxx] Quarterback.
[Darren] Here's what we're gonna do.
We are gonna shoot rock, paper, scissors to find out who goes first.
Okay, but no "two out of three" bullshit.
-Whoever wins wins. -Right.
-Fair and square, right? Okay. -Yes, yeah.
[together] Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
-[Darren] Yes. -Fuck!
-[Joel] Thank God. [exhales] -[Alexxx] Fuck!
Let's go again. Two out of three. Let's be fair.
-What? You just said-- -No, do not do this, okay?
It could've happened to any of us, just happened to you.
Yeah, maybe, or maybe hella long ago, you guys were like,
"If we ever do rock, paper, scissors with Alexxx, we should shoot paper."
[gasps]
Because two guys shooting paper, that's suspect.
-[Darren] I can't... -Yeah.
[Joel] Okay, just forget it. Let's shoot again.
-[Darren] What? No. -[Alexxx] Yes, thank you, Baby Dunc.
-How about, don't be a sore loser? -Don't call me a loser.
[Joel] Hey, guys, stop fighting.
We'll make a dummy and do a test run.
-We have a dummy right here. -No, we'll just use one of the dead bo--
-[all screaming] -[shouting, sobbing]
[all screaming]
[zip tie snaps]
[grunts]
[all screaming]
Oh, my God!
[all screaming]
-[Joel] Oh, God! -[all gasping]
[gripping music playing]
A little help.
Help!
Oh, fuck.
[keys clacking]
Hey, give me half your Which Wich.
Well, if I wanted to eat a half a sandwich,
I'd have brought half a sandwich, Chet.
Think you're pretty smart, huh?
You the one installing a seven-layer firewall
to mask a $1/2-billion transaction at the world's third-largest bank
using only your wife's tablet, or is that me?
[chuckling] Oh, that's right. It's me.
[laughs]
[Dew'd Crew screaming distantly]
-Way to go, Baby Dunc. -Huh?
What? You... [stammers] This is your plan!
No, I said, "Home Alone-style zip line."
This is Home Alone 3 at best.
We were supposed to look cool as shit coming out of the window,
doing a badass exit.
Now we look like a bunch of losers hanging up here.
[Joel] Oh, God.
[siren blips]
-[Alexxx] What the fuck? -[Joel gasping] The police!
[Darren] Hey, we're up here!
[Joel] Thank you so much. Thank you, God.
Police! Yeah! Holla! Hooty-hoo!
-[laughing] Oh! Oh, shit. -What the fuck?
-Oh, my God. -What are you doing up there?
There are people in the hotel with guns!
-No! -Shooting people!
-You're all fuckin' pigs! -Get us down!
[Alexxx] Fuck you, copper!
They're here to help us.
We're not gonna look cool as shit getting saved by the LAPD.
Do you even listen to Kendrick Lamar?
Are there people up there with guns or not?
Yes, there are! That is one right there!
He is a man with a gun. He tried to cut off our dicks.
Oh, fuck you. You wish I touched your dick.
We're coming up there. What room number is that?
-Nine seventeen! -[officer] We're coming up there now!
Don't fucking move.
[ominous music playing]
LAPD. Open the door.
Are you aware you've got three waiters
hanging outside the ninth-floor window?
Sir, walking away from a cop is a bad idea.
I will arrest you for obstruction. Open the fucking door!
-Shit. -[machine gun firing]
Officer down! Officer down!
Hank, I need backup!
I got you, Danny. I'm calling for backup. I'm coming right now.
-[officer] Stay there! -No! No, no, no!
-Don't leave us up here. -Guys, it's too late. Okay?
Let's wiggle our asses back in there,
kill some bad guys, and get our fucking check back.
I'm not risking my life for the check.
Why not? It's our dreams, right?
No! The check is your dream. My dream is just working on Skintendo.
But now you can!
And we are! Okay? We have been!
-Baby Dunc... -[Joel] Without you!
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, what the fuck?
-[beeps] -[Donald gasps]
Band-Aids and butter beans! We're online.
Conrad, we're online. Awaiting an access code.
[Conrad] Speak clearly.
And speak quickly.
Fuck. Fuck!
Fifty-three...
Twenty-two...
Zero two...
-[Bey] Thirty-three... -Thirty-three...
-Sixty-nine. -Six-nine.
[metal scraping]
I want verbal confirmation from you, Darren.
Are you working on the fucking game without me?
Affirmative.
You motherfuckers!
I'm gonna wiggle us back in there, you backstabbing bitches!
[metal clanking]
[all screaming]
Sixty-nine, 420, 69.
-I'm serious! -[Chet] Sixty-nine, 69, 69.
Oh, shit!
[all screaming]
-[glass shatters] -[electricity pops]
What the fuck?
[groaning]
[Donald] Conrad, hold on.
Shit.
We've had a breach.
[grunts] Oh, God.
Sixth floor, security room.
What do you mean? Who-- who is it?
Who the fuck are you? Huh?
Huh? You SWAT?
Are you SEALs?
Transporters?
Answer me right the fuck now, or I'll plug you in three seconds.
[all] Uh...
[grunts]
-One... -No.
[Darren] Please.
-Two... -Please.
[shouts]
[tense music playing]
-No! -No, no. Wait, wait, wait--
-Three! -[gun firing rapidly]
[all shouting]
-[screaming] -[gunfire spraying]
-[distant splatter] -Oh, fuck.
Oh... oh, my God.
I'm a genius! I wiggled us back in.
[laughing] Whoo!
[Conrad] Donald, kill them and then enter the code.
You do have the code, right, Donald?
Donald?
[distorted] Donald?
[stammers]
There's a cop at the lobby door. We shot him.
But he got away.
Why are you looking at me like that, huh?
You're the sneaky fucks.
The backstabbers, the betrayers, the Judas...
Judases? Judas?
The one that betrayed Jesus? Judas, right?
Yeah, you're the fucking Judases.
Let's stop with the name-calling, guys.
-Backstabbers. -[Darren] Great.
Okay, guys, new rule: always double-check
that dead bad guys are actually dead bad guys.
Holy shit!
This is a dead bad guy!
I don't know, I feel like my dead bad guy is way worse than your dead bad guy.
"My dead bad"? That's not your dead bad guy.
These are just dead bad guys.
Looks like a human-sized ketchup packet exploded.
-[sighs] Damn it. -What?
Computer's busted. I can't get online.
Yeah, he is full-on spaghetti and meat sauce down here.
-Guys. I found a phone. -What?
Wait a second.
Why does the dead bad guy have this dude's number?
-Who? -What are you, a fucking owl?
Yeah, I would love to be an owl, Darren.
So I could soar off into the night hella majestically.
[phone buzzing]
[tense music playing]
[whispering] Wait, you have a phone? You have to call for help.
-Shh. No. -[growls, yips]
I think he just screened me.
He screened the dead guy. Don't take it personally.
[Darren] Shut up. Voicemail.
Hey, this is Darren and Joel.
Yeah, I'm here too, so...
And Alexxx. The, uh-- the Dew'd Crew from the roof.
-Remember? -Say "Skintendo."
We are calling to find out what's going on.
There's, like... people shooting and stuff.
Please give me a call back at this number, uh, when it's a good time for you.
Okay, give me the phone.
-We'll talk then. -It's not a conference call.
We're not waiting for him to call back.
You didn't even bring up the two most important things:
the Bey and, I don't know, how about the fucking check?
-Come on. -The check.
Mention a dead body. That'd be nice.
Been a while since I've left a voicemail.
I'm gonna call him back, so...
It's rude to just call right back. You leave a message,
-let them call you back. -Darren...
[phone buzzing]
[whispering] Ahmad, you dumb fuck. You gotta call somebody, yo.
-Fuck the police. Except for right now. -[muttering] You're gonna get us killed.
[Cassie] You didn't turn it in. You're putting everyone's lives at risk.
I'm sorry, is there something we should be discussing?
No.
[phone buzzing]
-[Bey] Hold up. -[Conrad clears throat]
-Why aren't you taking his phone? -[phone buzzing]
[Conrad] No, I don't see any phone.
Um, you guys just be quiet over here.
Your fucking creepy blue eyes don't see the phone lighting up
in his pocket right there?
Also, it's making a noise. It's going, "vuh, voo, vuh."
-[Bey imitating buzzing] -It's over!
Cut me free. Now!
[Conrad] Wait, wait, wait. Hey-- this is not my fault.
Erma derailed the entire operation the moment she got here.
And has anyone noticed her accent?
The German accent? It's fake! She grew up in Pacoima!
Come on. She's a lunatic!
Is this true, Erma?
Yeah, I'm a lunatic.
No, no, no. [sighs] No. Give me--
-Give me the gun. -[scoffs] Gladly. See, told you.
-I mean, what was I supposed to do? -Right.
Kill her. Like this.
[exhales dramatically]
[chuckles] Lovely.
Honestly, did not know I was gonna do that. [laughs]
This whole thing was you?
Mm, giving orders the whole time
from the... "dusty-ass BlackBerry" in my pocket.
Physical keyboards aren't so stupid now, are they?
Nah, they're still dumb as fuck,
and you still got atrocious-ass halitosis, but I'm surprised.
Yeah, well, at least my breath doesn't smell like old-ass hyena pussy.
-[phone buzzing] -[sighing] Oh, God.
-Hello, Donald, you cheeky sausage. -What?
No, I think that Donald guy's dead.
He either was sucked out of a window,
or he choked on a computer. So what's going on up there?
-[whispering] Speakerphone. -Who is this?
-[whispering] Speaker. -I'm going on speakerphone.
-Dew'd Crew here. -Hey.
Lumber Jacks...
-What? Uh, hi? -How's the Bey doing?
Wait, why do you have this guy's number?
[music intensifies]
Wait, are you a bad guy too?
Well, I suppose so, yes.
But, um, you have just forced me to become... unmistakably evil.
Oh, fuck.
I'll take the access codes now.
Nah.
Sorry, motherfucker. Can't do it. That dude? I didn't know him.
Shit, he might've let me live if I gave him the codes.
But you? Fuck you.
I know if I give you the codes, I'm dead.
And I know why. [chuckles]
'Cause I made you eat that hooker's booty
at my birthday party, isn't it?
[Bey laughs]
This motherfucker ate a hooker's booty. You had crabs in your teeth for a week.
-[giggling] -[Bey] Remember shoving your face
right up in that crab-infested booty hole, bro?
'Cause I do, you fucking loser.
[laughing pointedly] You dumb fucking fuck-hole.
-[Bey] You fucking suck. -Very well.
I'll acquire my compensation another way.
And while I wait to get paid, I'll...
torture you. And kill you.
Erma! We are sending a video to the United States government.
Oh! Also... bring me Shaggy.
What the hell's going on?
-[sirens wailing distantly] -The fucking butler?
[sirens growing louder]
Hey, guys, check it out.
[Darren] Whoa.
Pigs brought the whole farm.
-[Joel] Yeah. -[Alexxx] Turn on the news.
[Darren] Turn on the news.
[Joel] Okay.
[wailing] Steve-O!
-There, there, there. -[Chris] Steve-O!
Give me that mic. Give me that mic!
Steve-O, if you can hear me in the spirit world...
[sobs] ...I love you, brother.
It should've been you! It should've been you.
[bleep] you. And [bleep] Channel 8.
Uh, okay, I'm-- I'm just being told we've received a video
from the terrorists.
Warning: what you're about to see may not be suitable for younger viewers.
Good evening.
As you probably know, I've taken control of the Level Hotel, Los Angeles.
I had intentions of only taking money
from a disrespectful and arrogant billionaire child...
but that was derailed by some idiotic waiters.
Are we the idiotics?
No, stupid. We're maids.
So now I'm holding 106 hostages until I receive $500 million
and a helicopter, which I will fly out of the U.S.
and release... the remaining hostages.
Oh, I should add: any breach of this building will trigger...
an explosive collar,
creating a mess no one wants to clean up.
Additionally, I will kill one hostage every 15 minutes
to ensure prompt payment, starting... now.
-[metallic clang] -[man] Oh, shit. That's hot.
Bro-- listen, man, listen. We brothers. We brothers.
We're supposed to be brothers, man!
-[sighs softly] -I could get you Stacey Dash's number.
-[gunshot] -Oh, shit!
-[stammers] -No, no, no, no. What?
[Ahmad] As you can see, I'm holding up my end of the bargain.
I hope you do the same.
And now, on a lighter note, another must-see TV moment:
a very chill performance... by Shaggy.
-Yeah, uh... -Don't kill Shaggy. I fuckin' love Shaggy.
-What is happening? -Don't kill Shaggy. Don't kill Shaggy.
I wanna do this song that I wrote for the earthquake victims of Haiti.
-[Ahmad] Sing "It Wasn't Me"! -Uh...
Dude, that's not really appropriate for-- for what--
[Ahmad] No one wants to hear that Haiti shit!
Okay? They want "It Wasn't Me." I want "It Wasn't Me."
Sing "It Wasn't Me."
-Sing it! -[strained] Shaggy, please!
Sing it, Shaggy!
[flatly] ♪ H-honey came in And she caught me red-handed ♪
♪ Creeping with the girl next door ♪
♪ Picture this, we were both butt-naked ♪
♪ Bangin' on the bathroom floor ♪
♪ How could I forget That I have given her an extra key? ♪
♪ All this time, she was standing there ♪
♪ She never took her eyes off me ♪
[rapping] ♪ How ya fi give the woman Access to your villa? ♪
Shaggy goes on to finish the song and is unharmed, as far as we know.
Round everybody up! We're going inside.
Shag, too soon, but I'm out.
-Yeah, yo, by all means. -[sighs pleasantly]
What's the nearest room that can accommodate us?
Uh, the conference room.
But, ooh, it's dressed for a convention tomorrow,
so if you don't mind, I would appreciate if we just stayed upstairs,
not to mess it up.
-Take everyone to the conference room! -Okay.
[man] Come on, let's move.
I don't herd cattle. I'll be hunting waiters.
Bilbo, Dildo, you come with me.
You don't ask for respect, little girl. You take it.
[sinister music playing]
[man] Move it, ladies. You got legs. Use 'em.
-Move it, people. -What the fuck is the holdup?
-Everybody out. -Keep moving! Let's go!
-[men yelling] -Come on!
[Joel] Darren, look.
They're going inside.
So what?
So they're contained.
You can't contain machine guns, Darren.
How much salvia did you smoke?
Shit, how much more do you have of that?
I mean, there's a lot here, but it is covered in glass.
Not the sandwich, your salvia. How much?
Oh, so now you want my help.
Hmm, sure.
Grab those guns and follow moi.
[gripping electronic music playing]
[Darren] You got glass. You got glass in your hair.
I'm flippin' keys.
Well, not yet, actually. I've got some serious rebranding to do.
Turns out salvia isn't a very sexy drug and no one likes it except for Darren--
and, weirdly, the JV softball team.
-Those girls get fuckin' wild. -Okay, yeah, whatever, man.
-This is perfect. This is great. -Okay.
Alexxx? Do you live here?
Because it looks like you live here.
I don't live here. No, you know who I think lives here?
Josué.
Yeah, the maintenance guy? That guy's... that guy's a weirdo.
Yeah, like I was saying about the rebranding...
um, you know, like the Marlboro man, but this is "Uncle Sal."
Sal-via? Get it?
Dude, there's, like, a "Buffalo Bill went to Costco" amount of lotion over here.
-Pfft. Hey, the salvia's back here, so... -Yeah, yeah.
Oh! And what is this?
This is an oil painting of you on a throne
with money hanging out of your pockets
and a bunch of tits hovering around your head.
Seems like he-- he's a true artist for real, but...
that is weird, admittedly.
-Salvia is this way, so... -[Darren] Yeah, okay.
So Josué is up here painting you and...
beating off to a porno parody of your favorite childhood movie, Flubber?
"Flubbher." That's funny. [chuckles]
-[Joel] Hmm. -[Darren] Hmm.
Huh.
Fine! Yes, I live here, okay? I jerk off up here. I paint myself here.
I jerk off while painting myself. Is that what you wanted to hear?
-Jesus Christ. -This isn't that bad.
I'm saving up all the money,
so I'm gonna buy a Maybach in like six years.
I'm an adult homeless man stuck in a balling-ass body,
but I put my pride aside
and took you to my grow house to save the fucking day.
-So you're welcome. -Well, it's a grow closet at best,
but it's definitely enough salvia to hotbox the whole conference room.
I mean, we can knock them on their asses, take their weapons, lock them in.
-We could kill 'em. -No, not kill them.
What do you mean? You guys already got a kill.
I haven't gotten a kill yet, so it's-- it's kind of fair that I'd get one.
You can have my kill.
I don't want your kill. I want my own.
Look... I like this plan.
Cool, good. We gotta figure out how to get the smoke into the conference room.
I'm thinking the maintenance breezeway. The vents there?
If we can go in the ducts...
No, I don't... I can't.
Figure it out. Look at all this.
-Build something, man. -I mean,
there's a ton of lotion.
What, we should just jerk the goons off into submission?
Just build something, man!
This is a trash heap. There's nothing I can use here.
Yeah, this is all my belongings, so...
Hold on.
I got it. I got it! I'll draw it up so you know what I'm talking about.
Oh, the wheels are turning!
All right. So what do I get to do?
You? Oh, nothing.
You just stay out of the way. Okay? You've done enough.
[Ahmad] On your feet!
On your feet now!
[Lil Puma barking]
-[Bey] Ooh, tough guy. -[Ahmad] Shut up.
[growling]
-Shut up! -[Bey] Yeah, you smell bad.
What, did you shit in your pants? [grunts]
Shit.
Wow, wow. You think I'm scared of you
'cause you got a gun in my face? Fuck off.
Bet you think you're gonna buy respect
-with all that money too, huh? -[whines]
Well, it bought you respect.
What, you think these people like you because they follow you online?
You know, half his followers are bots.
Okay? He's not as famous as you think.
Yo, point is, I blow their fucking minds.
All you do is hate and take.
Well, um... why don't we...
"blow their minds" now?
[clears throat, inhales deeply]
You there. Bring him over here.
I didn't do anything. What's going on?
Oh, no, no. [stammers] Jesus... oh, God.
Please don't hurt me.
My intentions are to do quite the opposite.
Strip his pants. Bend him over the table.
No. [softly] What the fuck?
What--? No.
Oh, Jesus.
Let me up.
You made me eat that...
[breath quavering] ...hooker ass.
[chuckling] Yeah.
Now let's see you muster any respect
after you toss this fat fuck's salad.
Whoa, whoa. Ahmad! Ahmad.
Whoa, it's so dark.
Do it, or he's a dead man.
All right, I just wanna say one thing, dog.
Didn't have to be this way.
[man] Oh!
[people groaning]
[man moaning and giggling]
Stop...
What the fuck? Ooh, what the fuck?
-[Bey] Yeah. -[man] Ooh. Wait-- wait, okay.
Whoa. Are you guys seeing this?
-Do you see this? Bey's eating my ass. -[laughter]
[laughing] I'm getting my salad tossed by Bey!
Someone 'Gram this!
-Right, enough-- -I'm not done, motherfucker!
[moans loudly]
[all cheering]
All right, stop it! Get him up. Up. Enough, enough!
Just a little bit longer.
[Bey] What happened?
You tried to embarrass me?
I done fucked 10,000 women.
You don't think I ate a grip of dude-booties along the way?
[people cheering]
Yeah-yeah!
You may not be able to feel embarrassment. I get it.
But prepare to feel suffering.
[growls]
-[growling] -Let's try this again.
Bring me the correct corresponding breach sensor.
[Lil Puma whining]
[sarcastically] Oh, I-I hope he can swim. Ah! Oh!
-What... -Oh, oh, oh.
-What the fuck, man? -Squat.
-[grunts] -Okay.
These. We know what these do.
-No. Ahmad, Ahmad-- -Yeah.
[Ahmad] Oh, oh. [gasping sarcastically] Oh, is that-- yeah.
-Lower. -[panting]
[scoffs] Lower.
Perfect.
Fuck, they got Chet!
How the fuck is that possible? They're fuckin' waiters.
Weren't you just
a fucking garbageman a few years ago?
This way.
I don't really appreciate you putting my résumé in the street like that.
Tell me you were driving
-the fucking truck. -Fuck you, man.
-That should do it. -Good.
All right, so we patch into the air duct.
We hit the switch. We wait 30, 45 seconds.
Until the bad guys pass out. We zip tie them, take their guns,
and free the hostages. I know. It's my plan.
Okay, cool. You can have a sticker or something.
-What are you doing? Come on. -Sorry.
[sighs] All right, pick a gun.
No, no. I am not using a gun.
All right? My brain is my weapon.
And it is fully loaded, sir.
Okay, fine. Then you wheel the cart.
What did I say? Please don't do that, okay? Just...
grab the extension cord.
Let's go.
[exhales]
-You feeling tired yet? -Fuck you.
You're like the worst Bond villain ever.
You might as well just kill me, 'cause...
[sighs] ...I ain't gettin' tired.
[Ahmad] Well, Lil Puma looks kind of tuckered out.
Maybe we should put him out of his misery.
[collar beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
[muted screams]
Wowee!
Now, that-- that was fun. Oh, God.
Take respect.
-Don't ask. -[Ahmed] Yeah!
-Take. -Oh!
Did you see all the fuckin' blood in that water?
How much blood was in that dog? It's like a fuckin' bloodhound!
All right, mister!
I think we have all had just about enough! Right?
Your treatment of our hotel guest is unacceptable,
not to mention your complete and utter disregard for hotel property!
And you killed the little rat puppy!
As acting manager of the Level Hotel, I am telling you,
this ends now!
[inhales sharply] Oh, God.
Just-- There you are.
That's better.
Look at the time.
It appears the U.S. government doesn't care about you.
In 60 seconds, someone will die.
But, uh, I think I'm done with killing.
For a little while, at least, um...
[woman] Don't talk.
-[Ahmed] You. -Oh, shit.
No. Babe.
Do something. Volunteer as tribute.
-Do something! -Up.
Do something! Oh, God. Okay.
[Ahmad] And...
No way. You.
Cut them free, please.
Step forward.
[exhales]
[clears throat]
Now...
fight to the death.
What? No.
I'm sending this... [clears throat] Oh!
...to the news next.
-Look, I'm not killing her. -Okay.
One of you kill the other... or I shoot you both.
Look, anybody who can see this, I don't wanna do this!
I am not a murderer!
[woman] You got that right!
-Christ. -[woman] Shit, I killed him.
J-Joel...
Now, that's what I call television.
But let's not do it again.
Bring me my money, my helicopter.
-Did they put the money together yet? -Just now.
Tell 'em to get the chopper up now.
Yes, sir.
[tape crinkles]
Hey, dude. Keep it down.
[tape stretches]
Hey. Hurry the fuck up.
Okay, do you want me to be fast or quiet?
'Cause that guy's about to kill somebody.
Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go.
[tense music playing]
Come on, come on, move it.
[gun clicking]
It was just working. Oop.
You're gonna die so fast compared to me.
Okay. It's ready.
-I got the torch. Need a lighter. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here.
Okay, just hand it to me. All right.
And, uh, plug in the fan.
-Hurry! -I'm going to. Where's the extension cord?
Oh, was I supposed to bring that?
Yeah, I said bring it.
Yeah, well, you also said you didn't need my help.
Then you cut me out of the Skintendo.
So, I don't know, I guess I was just a little confused.
-Alexxx, no. -Dude.
Please do not be a complete piece of shit
and tell me you brought that extension cord.
Mm-mm-mm.
You're playing games because we wouldn't let you be in charge?
-[Darren huffs] -Dude, those people are counting on us.
Forget it. It's fine. Just-- you're gonna have to build a longer tube,
some kind of conduit.
Just get some more fucking... grocery bags or...
-Uh... -No, no, no.
Fuck you.
You are so fucking selfish, it's disgusting.
I'm serious when I say this, as maybe a friend,
but you better... watch your back.
Dude, you watch your back.
-No, dude, behind you! -Watch your back!
[gunfire]
Fuck!
Don't shoot them, you idiot.
They're mine.
[coughs] Damn it.
[coughing, retching]
[groans]
Well, well.
Looks like Little Miss Tough Girl ain't so tough anymore, is she?
-[gasping] -We gonna have some fun.
-Split up! -Split up!
Shit! Go this way!
-No! -Oh, shit!
What are you doing? Split up!
-Yeah, we did! -I meant all of us.
[sighs] I need a minute, man. I got to take a little trip somewhere.
[Joel] What? Oh, fuck no.
You're gonna smoke salvia while we're being hunted by murderers?
That's right. Know why?
'Cause I don't wanna know I'm being hunted by murderers.
Oh, yeah, suck it down, you fuckin' sicko.
What about Alexxx, man? We got to find him.
[babbling incoherently]
Shit!
[foreboding music playing]
[pan clanking]
[shrieking]
Get ready to be my first kill!
Yeah? Be prepared to be my millionth.
Yeah, right!
If you'd said nine or ten,
I'd be like, "This guy's a murderer," but a million?
It's way too many! That's too many murders!
No!
[grunts]
[slicer whirring]
[both screaming]
No!
[wailing]
Oh, God!
I'm gonna fucking kill you, you son of a bitch.
-[whimpering] -My bad.
Oh! I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry! I don't want to!
-Fuck you! -[gunshot]
[panting]
[somber music playing]
Follow me.
[breathing heavily]
[key scanner beeps]
Great. Back in El Jizzblaster's room.
-So what now? -[Darren] Nothing.
Okay? We're done.
You ruined our best shot at ending all this.
Fuck you!
Okay, good. You're fired up.
So I won't take that personally. Now let's use that energy--
[Darren] Alexxx, take it personally.
We're done following you around for good.
Whatever. You guys are doing A-okay without me, right?
Working in secret on the Skintendo Joysuit?
How long has that been going on, huh?
[Darren] Jesus Christ. Years.
I can't believe I followed a loser like you around for years.
I'm not a loser!
[glass shatters]
Whoa! Hey! No!
You just shot at me?
I shot near you, bitch.
Okay.
Me too, then.
You son of a...
Guys! Stop.
[together] Shut up, Baby Dunc.
My name is Joel, you idiots!
Oh, shit! Oh!
Oh!
[all scream]
[guns clicking]
Oh, I wish this were fucking loaded, dude,
'cause then I would put it there right through your skull!
Well, if this was loaded, I'd come sideways on you like ka-kow.
Really? 'Cause it'd come out the other side, and I'd just suture it up.
Oh, okay, well, then my gun has a bayonet on it,
and I'd, ugh, un-suture your face!
Oh, really? Guess what. I got more sutures.
-Suture, suture, suture. -What, motherfucker? You spell "suture"!
You spell "suture"!
I'm doing this too.
I wish this were fuckin' loaded, dude.
[automatic gunfire]
This is loaded.
Rich to Mr. Ahmad. I found those waiters.
We're housekeepers.
[Ahmad] Perfect timing. Bring them to the conference room. I'll kill them next.
Too late. They're already dead.
Oh, good.
Erma got them?
[Rich] No, me. I'll be up in five.
Mr. Ahmad. There's a chopper approaching.
You guys look exhausted.
Let's hit the spa.
Move!
[camera shutter clicking]
I've been waiting for these pics for a long-ass time now.
[laughs]
Yo, the guys are gonna love this.
You look motherfucking insane.
Come on, that shit is funny. I know you got a big-ass dick on your face,
but hey, poo-poo head?
-That's some funny shit right-- -Mm-mm.
[gunshots]
I thought that shit was funny.
[Darren] Okay, okay, okay. You hate America.
Man, I get that.
Slavery, drones,
they just discontinued the KFC Double Down out of nowhere,
but, like, come on, man, we're good guys.
-[electronic hum] -[screams]
I'm here for the money.
And after this job, Jared and I were finally gonna get away from it all.
Is that the, uh-- the guy upstairs?
-Yeah, it's the guy upstairs. -What is that?
What is that?
-[electronic hum] -[groaning]
You don't know what it's like to lose someone like that.
I do.
I pushed them away myself.
[yells] Oh, fuck.
Don't fuck with me, asshole.
I'm just getting started.
[groans]
Now, you know what? Let's relax a little bit.
Let's turn these off.
There you go.
Now...
What's next on your spa menu...
[chortling]
Have you guys ever had...
a lava stone massage?
No.
We're maids, man.
We can't even afford a lava lamp.
Oh, they're fabulous.
[chuckling]
Oh, this is gonna feel so good.
For me. It's gonna really, really hurt you.
[Joel] No. No, no, no!
-[laughing] Oh, yeah! -Fuck!
Let's get out those knots!
-Stop it! Just stop! Stop doing it. -Stop!
Please. We're sorry we killed your friend, seriously.
My what?
-My what? -Your friend.
My friend?
-You sound like my dad! -Okay.
He wasn't my friend!
He was my everything!
Ow!
Hey, fuckface!
-Alexxx, stop. What are you doing? -No, no, no, no. Fuck this crybaby.
Oh, why you being such a fucking cwybaby?
"Ooh, my lover's dead."
You know what you should do?
Take your own dick, shove it up your own butt,
impregnate it, have a butt baby.
You know what I'd call him?
Jared Jr.
-Hey, fuck you. -Fuck you.
You just earned yourself a deep tissue.
This guy and the fucking puns, am I right?
[screams]
[Ween's "You Fucked Up" playing]
Oh, my God.
♪ You fucked up You fucking Nazi whore ♪
[groaning]
♪ Well, you dicked me over ♪
Alexxx, look.
♪ You fucked up ♪
[all screaming]
♪ ...you bitch You really fucked up ♪
[screaming]
[Joel] Ohh!
Am I dead?
-[panting] -Is he dead?
Ew.
This dude definitely just shit himself, didn't he?
[Darren] Yeah.
That was a really good idea about the oil spill.
Yeah, thanks. I wasn't, uh, sure what your plan was, but yeah.
Yeah, I didn't really have a plan, per se.
I mean, it is me, after all, so...
I just wanted to do something selfless for you guys for once.
Yeah.
And that's what you bring to the table, man.
When we're ready to just lay down and die, you step up.
I would cry if it wasn't such a bitch-ass thing to do.
So I'm not going to.
-Don't cry. -Do not cry.
-[sniffles] -[Joel] Got this.
But I will let you guys know...
that I fucking love you, dog.
-I really love you. -Darren, I fucking love you.
Count me in.
What's up?
-And also with you. -Take it, just take it.
That's fine. I'm okay with you repressing your emotions for now,
because I understand the type of upbringing that you've had.
And just know that if we make it out of here alive,
I wanna see those upgrades.
I wanna be that dude that...
...that helps you guys get your ideas made.
I wanna be the fertilizer. I am the shit.
And you guys are the little idea seeds that are gonna be planted within me,
and we are gonna blossom...
[stammering] ...and make a little Skintendo flower.
[intense electronic music playing]
You know what?
Let's build Skintendo right now.
Don't know what I said. I sort of was just talking.
Let's do it. Tonight.
But why? For what?
To kill bad guys.
-Fuck yes. -So what do you say?
Baby Dunc, you ready?
Sorry.
Joel.
-You up for this? -Yeah.
I can make it happen.
And I think I know how. Oh!
-Just got my baby hairs. -Sure.
[Alexxx] How exactly does this friend-control mode thing work?
[Joel] Okay, so you know how the suit can control the character in the game?
[Alexxx] I do, yeah.
[Joel] Friend-control mode takes that concept to another level.
But I didn't have any of my material, so I had to use the electro stim pads
to control his muscles. Unfortunately, I ran out of stim pads,
so it can pretty much just walk and spin.
[Darren] Which is why I loaded the fists full of those lava stones.
So it's kind of like a, uh, swinging sledgehammer type thing.
Nice work, Joel.
[Alexxx] Sledgehammer spin-punching robo-zombie.
-[Darren] Yeah. -[Alexxx] Cool.
And the air fresheners are because...
-He shit himself earlier. -Mm-hm.
-So... -In the spa.
-Little funky. -Right, okay. Let's see something.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, punching. Oh.
-Ooh, shit! -Nice.
-It's good. -[laughs] Cool.
Okay, uh-oh.
-Give me a shimmy-shimmy. -We should, uh...
Shake-a-shake-a-shake.
-Dab it on him. Dab it on him. -...attack?
-Alexxx, let's attack, please. -Wiggle, wiggle.
Yep, okay, yep.
Nope, nope! No, no, no, no.
-Okay, all right. -It's just actually...
no, I'm not ready.
I have to tell you guys something,
and it's been weighing on me for a long time.
-I am... [sighs] -A gay guy.
Yep, we know. Zero to hero, go!
Just don't have time, sorry.
[people murmuring]
Rich, where have you been?
And what...
what are you-- what are you wearing?
Yo. It's the suit.
Fuck you, bad guys.
Fuck you, bad guys!
[Metallica's "Fuel" playing]
♪ Gimme fuel, gimme fire Gimme that which I desire ♪
Be prepared to meet your maker, motherfucker!
Fists of fury, bitch!
♪ Yeah... ♪
Yeah! Oh, I spun right-- you saw that.
[stammering] What do you mean, "we know"?
You've come out to us a hundred times. It's your drunk thing. Get the guy.
Yeah, the first time was prom our senior year,
and then a bunch of times in New Orleans.
Something about Bourbon Street, man. It brings it out of you, and then...
Then when we got Osama bin Laden, we all got really drunk,
and you wouldn't shut the fuck up about how gay you were.
Why didn't you say anything? This shit weighs heavily on me.
You've never brought it up sober, so we were kind of waiting for you to...
well, do what you're doing now.
This is the moment, yeah. I suppose this is the moment.
And by the way, congrats on coming out.
-This is a big deal. -[Joel] Yeah.
-Huge. -That is huge.
Hey, look, the Skintendo Joysuit's working. That's awesome.
-Damn right. -Yeah, I'm actually really surprised
the Dirt Devil batteries aren't overheating.
♪ Quench my thirst with gasoline ♪
♪ Gimme fuel, gimme fire Gimme that which I desire ♪
[people screaming]
[shrieking]
Oh, God, and that is the Dirt Devil batteries overheating.
[echoing thumps]
That was fucking dope.
Let's do this.
Well, let's fuck some shit up.
Whoa, Joel, suddenly not scared of everything.
Yeah. That was when I was in the closet.
Now I'm the most powerful thing in the world...
a pissed-off gay dude.
Stay in the back, because we have guns and you don't.
-Yep. -Don't need one.
-Ready? -Let's do this.
[together] Let's do this! Let's do this shit!
[all] Dew'd Crew!
Bump it, bump it...
[upbeat music playing]
Stop shooting, or he's dead.
Yo, butler dude! It's over, man.
I am not a butler!
Yeah, right, and we're not waiters. [chuckles]
We're not.
-Well, we're waiters. -We're like-- okay.
Look, cops have the place surrounded, so drop your guns!
[Erma] Good advice.
Put... your guns... down.
Erma!
-What happened to your face? -Shut up!
Go get the money.
Let's go!
Excuse me, ma'am.
I do not appreciate the way you've been trying to kill us tonight.
-I don't think she cares, man. -Mm.
Erma, have your fun and get up to the roof.
Alan, grab what you can.
Oh, shit, your boyfriend's leaving. You should probably roll with him, right?
He is not... my boyfriend!
Okay, you're single. Cool. What's up?
I... am a trained killer on a job.
And you...
are in my office.
Uh, Joel, what are you doing? She's gonna blow your brains out, man.
You... need to apologize.
Okay?
He's gay now.
[tense music playing]
-[chuckles] -Oh, shit.
-[groans] -I don't do apologies, faggot.
Ooh, I know you didn't just call me the F word!
Joel, you haven't even fucked a dude yet.
-Yes, I have. -[grunts]
And in the butt's better than vagina.
-Way better. -Chicks have butts too, though.
[upbeat music playing]
Oh! Whoa, dude, I just slapped the shit out of her.
-Yeah, you did. -That was awesome. Nice, Joel.
-Look out! -Watch out!
Oh!
This ends now!
[screams]
-Oh, man! -Oh, no.
[grunting]
-Get him, Erma! -Come on, Joel!
Let's go, Joel!
Take that!
-Yeah! -Little fucker!
Yeah, fuck you, bitch!
[both screaming]
You like that? You like picking on people 'cause they're different?
[suspenseful music playing]
-No, no! Joel! -[screams]
Right in the numbers.
[dramatic music plays]
-[both scream] -Yes!
Yes!
-You get outta here. -Ha!
-[grunts] -Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Baby Dunc with the slam dunk.
Yes! Tom fucking Brady!
-Not Tom Brady. -No.
-He plays football, not basketball. -Slam dunk.
If anyone's Tom Brady, it's my man Mitch.
-We thought you were dead, dude. -Mitch, your dick.
Eh, don't worry about it, boys.
We live in Los Angeles.
Eh, I give it eight weeks before me and the Swamp Thing get reattached,
or regrown, or whatever the hell they're gonna do to get us back
to fuckin' half this town, am I right, boy?
Is everybody okay? Huh?
Cassie, huh? You okay?
Yeah, I-I'm a little shaken, but I feel-- oh, I feel okay.
Hey... that promotion is yours.
-Really? -You earned it.
-Yes. -Now put my pecker on ice, huh?
Wow, what a night, boys.
I have been crawling around this hotel for hours.
-Ooh. -You know what, Mitch?
-Huh? -I have a better idea.
How's about I call corporate and tell them what a disgusting
excuse for a man you are and demand that you be fired immediately?
No, not because I want your job or a promotion.
Because I want you to know that if you behave like a pig,
you deserve to get stuck like one.
-Wow! -Sixty-one yards.
New Mexico High School state record, boy or girl.
[stammering] I'll make it up.
Let me just get my head together, and we'll talk about it, all right?
Hey!
Somebody get my dick for me there, huh? A little help?
[helicopter blades whirring]
-Where's Erma? -She's gone.
What, you didn't grab any money?
No, I just want--
[groans]
Get this thing in the air already.
Okay, but I haven't actually technically flown this type of--
Alan, helicopter, air, now!
I'm not the one that shot the pilot!
-Hey! -Wait!
Why are their pockets inside out? Why are their pockets inside out?!
We're the waiters from before!
We want to buy the Bey back!
Please, we got all your money, look! You can have it all!
We just want the Bey!
If I give you the Bey, they shoot me out of the sky.
We brought an empty bag! The Bey can just climb inside!
What?
They'll never know that he left the helicopter,
and you get all your money!
Okay! Hurry!
[Bey] Goddamn.
Get in. Come on.
Look, I'm saving you, dude. I'm saving you.
Shut the fuck up.
[Bey] You fucking asshole!
I will fucking kill you, dog!
-Don't you fucking close that-- -Let's get him out of here.
-All right, you got all the money. -Right.
Thanks. You're not gonna regret this.
-Let's make sure of that. -[gunshot]
Oh!
[Joel] Jesus.
-Get rid of him. -Goddamn it.
Alan, let's go.
[Darren] Open it up!
Come on, open it.
-[screaming] -[Joel] He's alive.
-[Bey] Oh, my God! Oh, shit! -Are you okay?
Fuck, that motherfucker shot me!
I can't believe he's getting away with this shit!
He's not. Watch this shit.
Cassie.
Time to let the dogs out.
Over. You gotta say "over."
Okay, everybody, that's it! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
-[clamoring] -[Cassie] Faster!
[dramatic music playing]
[chuckling]
[sensors beeping]
No.
No!
-[all screaming] -It worked!
-[laughter] -He fucking blew up.
Yes! Oh, man. It's kind of fun being badass.
Yeah, yeah, it is, uh, pretty exciting.
[laughter]
-I told you guys. -You did.
You did, man. I'm sorry I doubted you.
[exhales]
-Get me to a fucking hospital! -Yep, okay.
[Bey] Dumb fucks!
[Alexxx] Okay, so, you know,
we'll start working on the Skintendo Joysuit right away
and then keep you in the loop.
Yeah, and we are going to need another check.
Yeah.
Our lives are in a pretty bad place right now,
and that check is gonna change our lives forever.
Fuck are you talking about? I'm not writing you guys another check.
[Alexxx] Hold on. Wait one second.
Why aren't you gonna-- Oh, he's concussed, right?
He's got something up with his brain? Is it jiggling around in there?
Bitch, the only reason I wrote that check was to piss off Ahmad,
'cause that shit made me laugh. [chuckles]
[spits, retches]
Oh, my tummy.
Get me the fuck up out of here.
Come on.
And play with my balls. Make sure my dick still works.
I do not get that. He seemed like such a stand-up guy on the Instagram.
-He's an asshole. -Piece of shit.
Excuse me. Hey, guys, um, I'm Mark Cuban.
I'm a friend of the Bey's. I was up there tonight.
-I saw you guys had that bodysuit thing. -[Darren] Yeah.
Holy fuckin' shit!
Oh, yeah, yup, we're gettin' Shark Tanked.
Mark Cuban wants to buy the Skintendo Joysuit!
Skintendo Joysuit? That's what you named it?
-Yeah, I named it. -[Alexxx] Good name, right?
That's bad. No. I'm definitely not interested.
However, what you just went through tonight was pretty hard-core.
I'd like to buy your story, turn it into a video game
starring you guys,
voiced over and visually modeled after famous actors, of course.
-I call Sean Astin. -Mark-Paul Gosselaar, please!
Uh, Cara Delevingne. I don't know.
-Whoever we can get. -I don't know.
-All right, guys. -[Alexxx] Awesome. Thank you so much.
Oh, he even walks cool. Sick blanket.
-See you, Marky Cubes. -Ring-a-ling.
-Sweet. -That was awesome!
[Darren] That's funny. Wow.
[Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al" playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[glass clinking]
Announcement! Announcement! Shut-- shut up.
Shut up real quick. I'm gonna make an announcement.
Hey, look. Now, I know
we are the millionaire video game mavens that chartered this Costa Rica cruise
for 100 of our closest friends, yes,
but I wanna congratulate you guys for having...
the best butt-cheeks in the business!
You guys are hot as fuck.
And shake 'em if you got 'em!
[Darren] Whoa!
[all cheering]
Dinner bell's ringing. Come and get it, boys.
-Come and get it, huh? [laughs] -Joel, I am so proud of you, dude.
Not a day goes by that I miss
that shy, closeted bitch that you once were, and I mean that.
-Thanks, man. -And Darren?
I am beyond thrilled that you are no longer a controlling asshole
who needs to smoke salvia just to get by.
Haven't touched the stuff since that night.
-Good. -You know that.
[snorts, grunts] Yeah.
Just, uh, doing cocaine now, you know. But for fun.
-It's better for you. -[laughs]
[laughs] Ah! This is the best, guys.
Look at us. Rich beyond our wildest dreams.
-Darren doing cocaine for fun. -Shh.
Joel is, like, fricking wiggling his dick around, just begging for cock.
Hey, I'm not... I'm not begging yet.
[laughter]
Oh! Darren, tell Alexxx about that video game idea.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
New idea, new game:
leprechauns... but they're tall.
Oh, that is a clever twist.
No. Nope. I'm not all about making money anymore.
You know what I'm about? Best friends.
Put your hands in.
[all] Dew'd Crew!
Booty bump, a-booty bump!
-[laughs] -Yes! We're gonna live forever!
We're never gonna die!
[all cheering]
♪ If you'll be my bodyguard ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I can call you Betty ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[ominous music playing]
[indistinct talking]
[Nas' "Made You Look" playing]
♪ Bravehearts ♪
♪ Now let's get it all in perspective ♪
♪ For all y'all enjoyment A song y'all can step with ♪
♪ Y'all appointed me To bring rap justice ♪
♪ But I ain't five-O Y'all know it's Nas, yo ♪
♪ Grey Goose and a whole lot of hydro ♪
♪ Only describe us as soldier survivors ♪
♪ Stay laced in the best Well-dressed with finesse ♪
♪ In a white tee, lookin' for wifey ♪
♪ Thug girl who fly and talks so nicely ♪
♪ Put her in the coupe So she can feel the nice breeze ♪
♪ We can drive through the city No doubt ♪
♪ But don't say my car's topless Say the titties is out ♪
♪ Newness, here's the anthem ♪
♪ Put your hand up that you shoot with Count your loot with ♪
♪ Push the pool stick in your new crib Same hand that you hoop with ♪
♪ Swing around like you stupid ♪
♪ King of the town ♪
♪ Yeah, I been that ♪
♪ You know I click-clack Where you and your men's at ♪
♪ Do the Smurf, do the wop, baseball bat ♪
♪ Rooftop like we bringin' '88 back ♪
♪ They shootin' ♪
♪ Aw, made you look ♪
♪ You a slave To a page in my rhyme book ♪
♪ Gettin' big money Playboy, your time's up ♪
♪ Where them gangstas at? Where them dimes at? ♪
♪ Bravehearts ♪
♪ I see niggas runnin' Yo, my mood is real rude ♪
♪ I lay you out, show you what steel do ♪
♪ Mobsters don't box My pump shot obliges ♪
♪ Every invitation To fight you punk hazas ♪
♪ Like Pun said You ain't even in mi clasa ♪
♪ Whatever you choose, whatever you do ♪
♪ Make sure he a thug And intelligent too ♪
♪ Like a real thoroughbred is ♪
♪ Show me love Let me feel how the head is ♪
♪ Females who's the sexiest Is always the nastiest ♪