This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Throw away the pumpkins, put out the fireworks,
and try to remember where you put the Christmas decorations.
It's Friday, we're live, and it's time for The Last Leg!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on the show, we need to talk about the Home Secretary.
We'll discuss the John Lewis Christmas ad.
And we'll do our best to find some light in a dark week.
Plus, we'll be joined by comedians Desiree Burch and Jon Richardson.
On the show that does its best to bring people together.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
G'day!
We're back!
G'day!
I'm Adam Hills, welcome to The Last Leg,
the show that heard Carol Vorderman quit her job and wondered
if she had to fill out a consonant, followed by a number
and another number.
With me, as always, are the pride of Dartmoor,
Josh Widdicombe,
and the man who didn't watch the King's Speech this week
cos he's already seen the movie, Alex Brooker.
A lot has happened to us in the weeks since we last saw you.
If
I was awarded an honorary doctorate
from the University of Chester last week.
full-size, fake leg, fake degree, I
love
full-size, fake leg, fake degree, I love it! Your country is so
desperate
love it! Your country is so desperate for doctors, they are
giving
desperate for doctors, they are giving them to comedians! Doctor of
letters?
giving them to comedians! Doctor of letters? You didn't tell me that
when
letters? You didn't tell me that when you gave me a prostate exam on
Wednesday!
when you gave me a prostate exam on Wednesday! Well, I started with
A:..!
Wednesday! Well, I started with A:..! Dr Hillsy sounds like the
doctor
A:..! Dr Hillsy sounds like the doctor on Australian breakfast TV,
fucking
doctor on Australian breakfast TV, fucking walk it off every time!
I'm now Josh's second favourite Australian doctor,
behind Dr Karl Kennedy.
Here's a photo of me with the Deputy Mayor of Chester.
You
You look
You look so happy like that hat has
just
You look so happy like that hat has just sorted you into Griffindor. I
know
just sorted you into Griffindor. I know Chester is an historic city,
but
know Chester is an historic city, but is the deputy mayor a pirate?
My speech was basically,
"Do what you love, work really hard and don't be a dick."
I
I was
I was given a fellowship at my old
university,
I was given a fellowship at my old university, they said, gave the
students
university, they said, gave the students the advice you would like
to
students the advice you would like to have had, so I said to them, the
advice
to have had, so I said to them, the advice I give you this basically
always
advice I give you this basically always know where your legs are
after
always know where your legs are after a one night stand.
LAUGHTER
Got
Got to
Got to know! Even they would stand
doesn't
Got to know! Even they would stand doesn't feel appropriate! Alex also
had
doesn't feel appropriate! Alex also had really big news. Massive news,
got
had really big news. Massive news, got a selfie with a stingray, have a
look
got a selfie with a stingray, have a look at this! Forget the Oscars
selfie,
look at this! Forget the Oscars selfie, he doesn't smile like that
for
selfie, he doesn't smile like that for everyone! It looks like you are
visiting
for everyone! It looks like you are visiting him in prison. I didn't do
it,
visiting him in prison. I didn't do it, I was frightened, I was now when
the
it, I was frightened, I was now when the Steve Irwin! Oh, come on! If you
flip
the Steve Irwin! Oh, come on! If you flip my photo with the deputy mayor,
her
flip my photo with the deputy mayor, her triangular hat makes those look
really
her triangular hat makes those look really similar. Look at his face! I
think
really similar. Look at his face! I think he genuinely thought I was a
crab.
think he genuinely thought I was a crab. He is going, do I recognise
you
crab. He is going, do I recognise you from when you failed to swim the
Channel?
you from when you failed to swim the Channel? I found out before the
show,
Channel? I found out before the show, though, even bigger news, that
stingray
show, though, even bigger news, that stingray has put me on his
Instagram,
stingray has put me on his Instagram, have a look at this!
What
What a
What a prick!
We are live, which means we can answer any questions you'd
like to ask about the news.
Send them to us @TheLastLeg and use #IsItOK.
For example, is it OK that the King's English and Cockney
speech are apparently dying out?
Is it OK that according to this interesting report
from ITV News London, this is what's replacing it?
In
In place
In place of Cockney, accents are
evolving
In place of Cockney, accents are evolving into what linguists are
calling
evolving into what linguists are calling estuary English, like Adele.
It
calling estuary English, like Adele. It is not free, three, a bit more
well
It is not free, three, a bit more well spoken! I just think if you do
a
well spoken! I just think if you do a job, you should do the whole thing
the
a job, you should do the whole thing the most popular standard southern
British
the most popular standard southern British English, as are spoken by
Josh
British English, as are spoken by Josh Widdicombe. I am going to be
honest
Josh Widdicombe. I am going to be honest with you, we have had a lot
happen
honest with you, we have had a lot happen in this country over the last
few
happen in this country over the last few years, Brexit, Liz Truss, cost
of
few years, Brexit, Liz Truss, cost of living, but nothing has made me
sadder
of living, but nothing has made me sadder than the idea that a load of
people
sadder than the idea that a load of people are going to sound like you.
You
people are going to sound like you. You being an example of spoken
English
You being an example of spoken English is like me being an example
of
English is like me being an example of handwriting. We all know how
evolution
of handwriting. We all know how evolution works - the sexiest
survive!
evolution works - the sexiest survive! The standard southern
English
survive! The standard southern English WhatsApp group, we have been
kicking
English WhatsApp group, we have been kicking off, me, Zippy, the Daleks!
So
kicking off, me, Zippy, the Daleks! So the three accents are Adele, you
all
So the three accents are Adele, you all Stormzy, which is like the way
it
all Stormzy, which is like the way it is Shag, Marry, Avoid. I am
shagging
it is Shag, Marry, Avoid. I am shagging Stormzy.
Before we get stuck into the news, we need to acknowledge
what's going on in the Middle East at the moment.
Normally, we'd try to find a funny way to demonstrate the news for you,
or find a little bit of light, but this time we just can't.
It's a complicated story about land, borders and religion
that I could spend an hour trying to explain
and still not get it right.
All I know is that when I watch the news, I'm seeing children
walking the streets of Gaza, crying out for their parents,
and mothers and fathers in Israel,
desperately pleading for the return of their children.
Meanwhile, we've all got Jewish friends and Arab friends
who now feel less safe on the streets here in the UK.
I'm pretty sure we can all agree that children shouldn't be dying.
This won't surprise you to know - we don't have a solution.
All we can say is that our hearts go out to all those affected,
both at home and abroad.
With tension rising around such a sensitive issue,
what you need is a Home Secretary with compassion,
a deft touch, and an acute sense of diplomacy.
Unfortunately, we've got Suella Braverman,
the political equivalent of a JCB
being driven by a bull on its way to a china shop.
APPLAUSE
And that bull is Suella Braverman.
I'm gonna say this week saw us set the record for the most amount
of IsItOKs about a Home Secretary.
At one point yesterday, Phillip tweeted to say...
#IsItOK that Suella Braverman has been sacked?
Or #IsItOK that Suella Braverman has not been sacked?
You pick the appropriate one.
The last few days have been dominated by the question.
Will she, won't she, be filling in a P45?
This came after the Home Secretary wrote an article for the Times,
in which she accused the Met Police of being biased,
for allowing a pro-Palestinian march to take place on Armistice Day.
Number Ten said they had suggested amendments
to the article that were not made,
and Rishi Sunak Sunak is now under pressure to sack her.
I
I just
I just think with Suella Braverman,
quite
I just think with Suella Braverman, quite consistently, she says a lot
of
quite consistently, she says a lot of bleach shit.
If
of bleach shit. If she doesn't get visited by three
ghosts
If she doesn't get visited by three ghosts this Christmas...
APPLAUSE
But
But the
But the ghosts of Home Secretary is
past,
But the ghosts of Home Secretary is past, present and...
That
past, present and... That weird thing is, not only is the
pro
That weird thing is, not only is the pro Palestinian marriage not going
past
pro Palestinian marriage not going past the Cenotaph, it is not
happening
past the Cenotaph, it is not happening the same day as the event
at
happening the same day as the event at the Cenotaph.
That's taking place on Sunday.
You can remember that it's on Sunday, because it's
called Remembrance Sunday.
Even the organisers of the event at the Cenotaph have said they want
the pro-Palestinian march to go ahead, as have the British Legion.
It puts Rishi Sunak in a tricky situation.
Cos there's a world where he sacks her, but then it all kicks
off over the weekend, and he looks like a fool.
Or he keeps her and he looks weak.
It's a psychological conundrum known as Schrodinger's twat.
Shake
Shake get
Shake get away with anything with
Rishi
Shake get away with anything with Rishi Sunak, where basically one
week
Rishi Sunak, where basically one week away from her breaking into his
house,
week away from her breaking into his house, killing the pets, writing in
shit
house, killing the pets, writing in shit on the wall stop the boats, and
she
shit on the wall stop the boats, and she is promoted to Chancellor. She
is
she is promoted to Chancellor. She is bad, like, she is not doing him
any
is bad, like, she is not doing him any favours, she is not doing... She
is
any favours, she is not doing... She is doing as much for the brand of
the
is doing as much for the brand of the Conservative Party as Phillip
Schofield
the Conservative Party as Phillip Schofield was for the brand of This
Morning.
Schofield was for the brand of This Morning. I'm just saying. Honestly,
he
Morning. I'm just saying. Honestly, he is the only one on the show who
could
he is the only one on the show who could go into
--
-- in
-- in two-footed. Is she trying to
be
-- in two-footed. Is she trying to be the next Prime Minister or trying
to
be the next Prime Minister or trying to get a GB News show? Some people
say
to get a GB News show? Some people say she is trying to get sacked to
advance
say she is trying to get sacked to advance her career, has anyone ever
wondered
advance her career, has anyone ever wondered why she might just be a
little
wondered why she might just be a little bit of an arsehole?!
If Suella Braverman had her own TV show, what should it be called?
Tweet us at The Last Leg.
#HomelessUnderTheHammer
#GreedyChildrenInNeed?
Naef
Naef are
Naef are right on the night?
This all comes off the back of the Home Secretary
proposing a ban on tents used by homeless people, as she called
homelessness a "lifestyle choice".
She
She has
She has ruined our deck of the year
competition.
She has ruined our deck of the year competition. Justin Timberlake is
breathing
competition. Justin Timberlake is breathing a sigh of relief! You wash
your
breathing a sigh of relief! You wash your mouth out! You take his wife's
name
your mouth out! You take his wife's name out of your mouth! Is she
watching
name out of your mouth! Is she watching by covering the tent,
going,
watching by covering the tent, going, this is unbelievable?!
It's like Suella Braverman has had a right-wing makeover and has become
every Daily Mail reader rolled into one.
The
The best
The best way to treat us like an
outspoken
The best way to treat us like an outspoken elderly relative on
Christmas
outspoken elderly relative on Christmas Day, keep your mouth shut
and
Christmas Day, keep your mouth shut and hope she has gone soon. This
photo
and hope she has gone soon. This photo captures how her approach to
canines
photo captures how her approach to canines is the same as it is to
humans.
canines is the same as it is to humans. Zoom in. The thing is, dogs
are
humans. Zoom in. The thing is, dogs are a lifestyle choice! It makes it
even
are a lifestyle choice! It makes it even worse, that I was only blind
because
even worse, that I was only blind because she poked him in the eyes!
--
because she poked him in the eyes! -- that die bat guy is only blind.
While the idea of Suella Braverman having her own TV show
might sound ridiculous, it was revealed today Nigel Farage
is considering going on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
I do like how that tweet censors the word "Farage"
but not "bollocks".
It's
It's a
It's a weird world, they're just
upping
It's a weird world, they're just upping the ante. Last year, Matt
Hancock,
upping the ante. Last year, Matt Hancock, then for Raj, next year its
Kim
Hancock, then for Raj, next year its Kim Jong-un...
LAUGHTER
--
LAUGHTER -- then Farage. Then 2026, Justin
Timberlake!
-- then Farage. Then 2026, Justin Timberlake! I worry about this, we
can
Timberlake! I worry about this, we can make all the jokes we want about
Farage
can make all the jokes we want about Farage going into the jungle, you've
got
Farage going into the jungle, you've got a guy who many have suggested
has
got a guy who many have suggested has some pretty spicy views on
immigration
has some pretty spicy views on immigration being dropped into the
middle
immigration being dropped into the middle of Australia, where sadly he
will
middle of Australia, where sadly he will be seen by most as a lefty
snowflake!
will be seen by most as a lefty snowflake! I will be honest, this
show
snowflake! I will be honest, this show tonight has been hard to put
together
show tonight has been hard to put together this week.
The news from around the world has been so bleak.
So we thought we'd pepper tonight's show with some lighter stories,
like a palate cleanser, if you will.
Starting with this one.
Fi Howe said,
#IsItOK, please talk about Fiona the sheep.
Britain's loneliest sheep has been
rescued from the foot of a Scottish cliff,
which sounds like a tribute act!
The sheep had been down there for two years and had
apparently packed on the pounds due to the unlimited supply of grass.
If
If I
If I was
If I was stranded in Maccy's I'd
crack
If I was stranded in Maccy's I'd crack on! Do we definitely know it
was
crack on! Do we definitely know it was on its own audit people just
fall
was on its own audit people just fall asleep after counting one?
Don't
fall asleep after counting one? Don't sheep always have an unlimited
supply
Don't sheep always have an unlimited supply of grass? I've never seen a
sheep
supply of grass? I've never seen a sheep run out of grass? Also, how
calorific
sheep run out of grass? Also, how calorific is grass?! You can pile it
on!
The sheep was shorn.
This is before...
And this is after.
Do
Do you
Do you reckon when they'd done that,
they
Do you reckon when they'd done that, they brought round a little mirror
to
they brought round a little mirror to just show at the back and sides?
Are
to just show at the back and sides? Are we sure it wasn't on its own
because
Are we sure it wasn't on its own because it killed the other sheep
and
because it killed the other sheep and kept their skin as a trophy?
The fleece is now being crafted into charity souvenirs,
Watt
Watt at
Watt at the charity fund has been
set
Watt at the charity fund has been set up in tribute, which is already
raised
set up in tribute, which is already raised £6,000. -- and a charity
fund.
Which means we're about two years away from the sheep being ordered
to remove an illegally built spa from the corner of its field.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Now you'd think a story like this would unite a nation, but no,
even the fun animal story at the end of the news has led to tension.
A volunteer group had been planning to rescue the sheep,
but they're saying that a rival rescue group went behind their back
and got the sheep first.
They're now protesting, because they're worried the sheep
will end up in a petting zoo.
They posted this impassioned photo.
That
That I
That I was the beard is absently
shitting
That I was the beard is absently shitting it that they are going to
come
shitting it that they are going to come at him with the cheers! -- that
value
come at him with the cheers! -- that value with the beard. I understand
you
value with the beard. I understand you have lined something up. I know
you
you have lined something up. I know you sit there and you do a lot of
the
you sit there and you do a lot of the hard work and a lot of the nuts
and
the hard work and a lot of the nuts and bolts of the show. You do a lot
of
and bolts of the show. You do a lot of the leg work, and me and Josh we
toss
of the leg work, and me and Josh we toss it off. Hey... What?!
LAUGHTER
I
LAUGHTER I refuse... That accusation... So
basically
I refuse... That accusation... So basically we have got an exclusive
for
basically we have got an exclusive for you. We are going to see if we
can
for you. We are going to see if we can get to the bottom of this.
So please welcome, The Lonely Sheep!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Hello! Hello! Hello lonely sheep, or
not
Hello! Hello! Hello lonely sheep, or not so than the sheep! You must be
delighted
not so than the sheep! You must be delighted to be rescued from a
secluded
delighted to be rescued from a secluded Scottish field. Delighted,
are
secluded Scottish field. Delighted, are you fucking kidding? You don't
know...
are you fucking kidding? You don't know... Look how angry I am, I am
seizing
know... Look how angry I am, I am seizing inside! And you're talking
to
seizing inside! And you're talking to me in that zippy voice, it's
making
to me in that zippy voice, it's making me even more angry! Don't
talk
making me even more angry! Don't talk to me like that again, I don't
want
talk to me like that again, I don't want to hear it, what you've got to
understand,
want to hear it, what you've got to understand, it was a choice, I
wanted
understand, it was a choice, I wanted to be on that ledge, it was a
choice
wanted to be on that ledge, it was a choice that I wanted to be there. So
you
choice that I wanted to be there. So you didn't want to leave and go to a
petting
you didn't want to leave and go to a petting zoo? Yes, you've got the
grip
petting zoo? Yes, you've got the grip of it. Younus, who wants to be
axed
grip of it. Younus, who wants to be axed about all day then fingered? --
might
axed about all day then fingered? -- might be yanked about all day and
then
might be yanked about all day and then fingered. I'm not like you,
cameraman!
And how convenient is it that I get brought in
just in time for Christmas?
I
I can
I can see
I can see you thinking about mid
source
I can see you thinking about mid source even now! It's not fair. Can
I
source even now! It's not fair. Can I just say, I'm a vegetarian. Yeah,
fucking
I just say, I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, fucking pussy!
APPLAUSE
Let's
APPLAUSE Let's be honest, though, you are a
bit
Let's be honest, though, you are a bit chubby, are due? That's rich
coming
bit chubby, are due? That's rich coming from you, Donald Trump, isn't
it?
coming from you, Donald Trump, isn't it? So you're telling me you're not
happy
it? So you're telling me you're not happy to be back around other sheep?
No,
happy to be back around other sheep? No, I hate them all, there is no
conversation,
No, I hate them all, there is no conversation, all it is is baa here,
baa
conversation, all it is is baa here, baa everywhere... I can't believe
you
baa everywhere... I can't believe you don't like other sheep! Why
would
you don't like other sheep! Why would I...? What you don't
understand
would I...? What you don't understand about sheep is they
always
understand about sheep is they always think that Covid is... They
think
always think that Covid is... They think it's real, they don't know
it's
think it's real, they don't know it's a big hoax. Wow! Whoa!, Whoa!,
Whoa!
it's a big hoax. Wow! Whoa!, Whoa!, Whoa! Wake up, sheep! Wow, wow, wow!
White
Whoa! Wake up, sheep! Wow, wow, wow! White unbelievable!
APPLAUSE
--
APPLAUSE -- unbelievable! So we're not
booking
-- unbelievable! So we're not booking the guests again, that was
bad!
booking the guests again, that was bad! We'll get complaints from
people
bad! We'll get complaints from people going can't believe you
silenced
people going can't believe you silenced him, he was telling the
truth!
silenced him, he was telling the truth! Let's...
LAUGHTER
He
LAUGHTER He called you a pussy!
All right, let's welcome tonight's guests.
She's an American star, he's a Lancashire hotpot.
Please welcome comedians Desiree Burch and Jon Richardson!
CHEERING
All
All right, let's get into it.
Thoughts
All right, let's get into it. Thoughts on Suella Braverman? I
mean,
Thoughts on Suella Braverman? I mean, like, America called her out
for
mean, like, America called her out for her anti-immigrant status,
that's
for her anti-immigrant status, that's bad! I mean, it's truly bad,
that's
that's bad! I mean, it's truly bad, that's kind of like Donald Trump
being
that's kind of like Donald Trump being like, hey, maybe lay off the
spray
being like, hey, maybe lay off the spray tan at the races on for a bit!
Jon?
spray tan at the races on for a bit! Jon? No, I'm done. I followed
Michael
Jon? No, I'm done. I followed Michael McIntyre once on New Year's
Eve,
Michael McIntyre once on New Year's Eve, but Joe Pasquale dressed as a
sheep,
Eve, but Joe Pasquale dressed as a sheep, you've done me now!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Where
APPLAUSE Where you are either of you
following
Where you are either of you following the lonely sheep story?
I
following the lonely sheep story? I was a bit. I mean, I don't eat
meat
I was a bit. I mean, I don't eat meat either but I tend... I think
once
meat either but I tend... I think once sheep has a name and it's been
in
once sheep has a name and it's been in the paper it's probably all
right.
in the paper it's probably all right. The 12 million sheep that are
going
right. The 12 million sheep that are going to become like, really bad
lamb
going to become like, really bad lamb getting pushed around a plate
by
lamb getting pushed around a plate by a crying sales rep off the A 43,
there
by a crying sales rep off the A 43, there are the ones... Wow! What
about
there are the ones... Wow! What about Nigel Farage in the jungle? I
mean,
about Nigel Farage in the jungle? I mean, I don't know, I kind of find
it
mean, I don't know, I kind of find it a bit hopeful, like, I've been
wanting
it a bit hopeful, like, I've been wanting that guy to eat a dick since
I
wanting that guy to eat a dick since I first...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
If
APPLAUSE If he doesn't on TV for all of us,
that's
If he doesn't on TV for all of us, that's like -- if he does it, that's
like
that's like -- if he does it, that's like penance, really!
We did say we were gonna try to find some lighter news
stories for you this week, and I think we need another one.
So here goes - Transport for London is offering auditions
for new buskers.
And
And they
And they say they will have a
potential
And they say they will have a potential audience of 3.5 million
people.
It is also opening new pitches on the Elizabeth line.
So we thought we'd showcase a few buskers tonight in the hope we might
see more of them out and about.
And
And let's
And let's be honest, 3.5 million,
about
And let's be honest, 3.5 million, about ten times our viewership! Yes,
but
about ten times our viewership! Yes, but are they all enjoy your show but
also
but are they all enjoy your show but also listening to a murder podcast?
And since we're The Last Leg, we've decided to showcase
some disabled buskers.
That's right, it's the Accessible Factor.
Our first performer tonight goes by the name of TygerMylk, and she's
going to perform her version of Baba O'Reilly by The Who.
Take it away.
# Out here in the fields
# I fight for my meals
# I get my back into my living
# I don't need to fight to prove I'm right
# Don't cry
# Don't raise your eye
# It's only teenage wasteland
# Teenage wasteland
# It's only teenage wasteland
# Teenage wasteland
# It's only teenage wasteland
# They're all wasted #.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Tygermylk.
That should be in the next John Lewis ad.
We'll showcase another busker with a disability
later in the show, and
we'll have more Last Leg for you after the break,
as we give the Covid inquiry a check up,
plus we want to know, if Suella Braverman had her own TV
show, what should it be called?
Tweet us at The Last Leg.
Use
Use the
Use the hashtag #SuellaTV, see you
in
Use the hashtag #SuellaTV, see you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Desiree Burch and Jon Richardson.
We are trying to balance the news with some
lighter stories tonight, so here's another one.
Stanford University have developed an app that tests whether you're
too drunk to drive by listening to you recite tongue twisters.
The
The test
The test should be dead in the car,
a
The test should be dead in the car, a text to your ex ready to go, if
you
a text to your ex ready to go, if you press send, you are pissed. We
thought
you press send, you are pissed. We thought we would test your sobriety
tonight,
thought we would test your sobriety tonight, do you want to start? I
can't
tonight, do you want to start? I can't speak at the best of times!
She sells seashells by the sea shore.
Incidentally, that is a stupid place
to
Incidentally, that is a stupid place to sell seashells, it is a flooded
market!
to sell seashells, it is a flooded market! Jon? I have got the easy
one,
market! Jon? I have got the easy one, because I don't speak Josh's
wonderful
one, because I don't speak Josh's wonderful English. It is called
standard
wonderful English. It is called standard southern British English,
thank
standard southern British English, thank you. You will not be able to
see
thank you. You will not be able to see this.
Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said the butter's bitter.
If i put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter,
but a bit of better butter will make my batter better.
Whoa!
Hello!
Hello! Wow! And I am absolutely shit
faced
Hello! Wow! And I am absolutely shit faced as well. I have seen people on
the
faced as well. I have seen people on the show who have won a gold medal
with
the show who have won a gold medal with no arms, and I have never heard
a
with no arms, and I have never heard a chair like that. It is the first
time
a chair like that. It is the first time you have impressed me!
Back to grown-up news now,
and this week saw the first King's Speech in 70 years,
as the monarch laid out his government's upcoming plans.
Wee Pebble said...
#IsItOK that the King couldn't have looked any more
disinterested during his speech?
He did look bored.
Although to be fair, he can only work with the material he's given,
which meant he did have to read out policies
concerning the drilling of oil, which he clearly disagreed with.
And unfortunately you can't do this when you're King.
You
You can't
You can't do it when you are not the
King
You can't do it when you are not the King either! I have realised, trying
to
King either! I have realised, trying to do this, through playing rugby
and
to do this, through playing rugby and brushing my fingers, I cannot
bend
and brushing my fingers, I cannot bend that one any more. Oh, poor
you!
bend that one any more. Oh, poor you! Oh, no! Are you OK with your
weird
you! Oh, no! Are you OK with your weird little hands?! Literally,
watch
weird little hands?! Literally, watch this, the only way I can bend
my
watch this, the only way I can bend my finger as if I push it, there you
go.
my finger as if I push it, there you go. That is not right, is it? Is
that
go. That is not right, is it? Is that the Australian version of pull
my
that the Australian version of pull my finger...? I cannot even
demonstrate
my finger...? I cannot even demonstrate what I'm trying to do!
He can't go, My government will continue to "lead action" on...
Just
Just so
Just so you now, you are flicking
the
Just so you now, you are flicking the bird to the audience! Put it
down!
the bird to the audience! Put it down! I can't! You are like an
action
down! I can't! You are like an action figure! The second half of
the...!
APPLAUSE
How
How do
How do we
How do we think the King David?
He
How do we think the King David? He definitely had the look of a boy
who
He definitely had the look of a boy who had to read an essay that he
clearly
who had to read an essay that he clearly did not right. But didn't he
say
clearly did not right. But didn't he say something about high quality
apprenticeships?
say something about high quality apprenticeships? Like we want to get
kids
apprenticeships? Like we want to get kids out of low quality college
degrees
kids out of low quality college degrees and into high-quality
apprenticeships?
degrees and into high-quality apprenticeships? I am like, this guy
was
apprenticeships? I am like, this guy was in a quality apprenticeship for
years,
was in a quality apprenticeship for years, and at the end of it he
couldn't
years, and at the end of it he couldn't use a fucking pen! He is
another
couldn't use a fucking pen! He is another one who has got funny
fingers,
another one who has got funny fingers, isn't he?
Interestingly, Suella Braverman's suggestion of banning tent cities
didn't make it to the final draft, but one bill that did
was Rishi Sunak's pledge that no child under the age of 15
will ever be able to buy cigarettes in their lifetime.
Basically, the age requirement to buy cigarettes
will rise by a year every year,
until eventually there'll be 70-year-olds outside newsagents,
asking 71-year-olds to buy them cigarettes.
Third-hand smoke, there is going to
be
Third-hand smoke, there is going to be a whole generation of kids who do
not
be a whole generation of kids who do not know who the cruel ones are.
Sitting
not know who the cruel ones are. Sitting on the back of the bust
talking
Sitting on the back of the bust talking like Josh? How do you think
I
talking like Josh? How do you think I got my sexy voice?! A few blunts!
Stone
I got my sexy voice?! A few blunts! Stone across the world just
throughout
Stone across the world just throughout their joints!
Another bill addressed the lack of space in UK prisons
by allowing the Government
to rent space in foreign jails for British prisoners.
Oh,
Oh, God!
Oh, God! It is just an avoidance of
the
Oh, God! It is just an avoidance of the sort of prison industrial
complex
the sort of prison industrial complex problem, I do not know how
it
complex problem, I do not know how it works in the UK, but clearly you
have
it works in the UK, but clearly you have got more criminals than room in
prisons,
have got more criminals than room in prisons, but also most of the flats
I
prisons, but also most of the flats I have lived in in London look like
prisons,
I have lived in in London look like prisons, so it is a weird thing, are
they
prisons, so it is a weird thing, are they going to have estate agents
showing
they going to have estate agents showing them off? Here are the
showers,
showing them off? Here are the showers, consensual or nonconsensual
love
showers, consensual or nonconsensual love rooms. And also, didn't we do
that
love rooms. And also, didn't we do that before? Like wasn't your
country
that before? Like wasn't your country the place we sent people to?
What
country the place we sent people to? What are you going to do, create
another
What are you going to do, create another country that beats you in
cricket?!
another country that beats you in cricket?! Now you know what it is
like!
cricket?! Now you know what it is like! Jon, thoughts? It is not good
for
like! Jon, thoughts? It is not good for the people who think prison is
like
for the people who think prison is like a holiday camp already to be
told
like a holiday camp already to be told there are no flights and
cruises
told there are no flights and cruises involved. If the prisons are
full,
cruises involved. If the prisons are full, that is the sign of a problem
further
full, that is the sign of a problem further down the chain than, well,
we
further down the chain than, well, we need more prisons. Let's look at
why
we need more prisons. Let's look at why there are so many people in
fucking
why there are so many people in fucking prison.
APPLAUSE
Also,
Also, how
Also, how do they ever have visits
from
Also, how do they ever have visits from their family?
Is
from their family? Is the Government going to pay for
flights?
Is the Government going to pay for flights? Or are these the people who
never
flights? Or are these the people who never get to be seen by anyone? I do
not
never get to be seen by anyone? I do not see how it is supposed to work.
Imagine
Meanwhile, the Covid inquiry rumbles on, and this week it was revealed
that Boris Johnson actually suggested injecting himself
with Covid on live TV to prove it wasn't harmful.
anyone
anyone want to take this?! It would
be
anyone want to take this?! It would be a very long TV show, it would be
about
be a very long TV show, it would be about two weeks, wouldn't it? It
would
about two weeks, wouldn't it? It would be like when they used to
shout
would be like when they used to shout live Big Brother on E4. If I
saw
shout live Big Brother on E4. If I saw Boris Johnson being injected by
Covid
saw Boris Johnson being injected by Covid on TV, I would be, about
Covid,
Covid on TV, I would be, about Covid, because I would be too busy
freaking
Covid, because I would be too busy freaking out that this person was an
actual
freaking out that this person was an actual Prime Minister. When you look
at
actual Prime Minister. When you look at Boris and Hancock and brother
men,
at Boris and Hancock and brother men, it is surely time to just stop
having
men, it is surely time to just stop having private schools. --
Braverman.
having private schools. -- Braverman. It is not working, is
it?!
Braverman. It is not working, is it?! They are turning out some
fucking
it?! They are turning out some fucking morons.
It was also claimed he did indeed say he'd rather let the bodies pile
high than declare another lockdown.
Yeah,
Yeah, it
Yeah, it is hard to know if he was
talking
Yeah, it is hard to know if he was talking about Covid or just another
one
talking about Covid or just another one of his orgy is at Number Ten.
There have been so many revelations about the way
the Government handled the pandemic, but at the very least it seems
they were woefully unprepared for Covid and were incapable
of running a decent response when it hit.
The man who claimed he drove to Barnard Castle to test his eyes
during lockdown, former adviser Dominic Cummings,
posted this photo of himself yesterday
after being rushed to hospital for an eye emergency.
I
I mean,
I mean, he looks like a pirate.
Captain Smugwash.
He went to Barnarrrd Castle.
One of the most remarkable moments of the inquiry came as Cummings
was quizzed over his choice of language.
Watch
Watch this! He called ministers
useless
Watch this! He called ministers useless fuckpigs. In e-mails and
WhatsApps
useless fuckpigs. In e-mails and WhatsApps to professional
colleagues.
WhatsApps to professional colleagues. Do you think you
contributed
colleagues. Do you think you contributed to a lack of
effectiveness
contributed to a lack of effectiveness on the part of
ministers
effectiveness on the part of ministers and of the Cabinet? No, I
think
ministers and of the Cabinet? No, I think I was reflecting a widespread
view
think I was reflecting a widespread view amongst confident people at the
centre
view amongst confident people at the centre of power at the time about
the
centre of power at the time about the calibre of a lot of senior
people
the calibre of a lot of senior people who were dealing with the
crisis
people who were dealing with the crisis extremely badly. So his
defence
crisis extremely badly. So his defence was, oh, no, they were
fuckpigs.
defence was, oh, no, they were fuckpigs. Imagine showing a starter
around
fuckpigs. Imagine showing a starter around the office, there are the
morons,
around the office, there are the morons, those are your fuckpigs.
Those
morons, those are your fuckpigs. Those are the fuckpigs and David
Cameron
Those are the fuckpigs and David Cameron going, you rang? Exactly! I
don't
Cameron going, you rang? Exactly! I don't even know what it is! I do! I
think
don't even know what it is! I do! I think we are good on this one! Now
it
think we are good on this one! Now it is time for a song about a pig!
After
it is time for a song about a pig! After the break, we will take a look
at
After the break, we will take a look at the John Lewis Christmas ad, and
we
at the John Lewis Christmas ad, and we want to know, if Suella Braverman
had
we want to know, if Suella Braverman had a TV show, what would it be
called?
had a TV show, what would it be called? See you in a bit!
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Desiree Burch and Jon Richardson.
I've got a quick IsItOK for Alex - is it OK that Christmas is coming?
I
I think
I think you know the answer!
LAUGHTER
The Natural History Museum has joined in the spirit,
by putting a T-Rex in a Christmas Jumper.
Here's a festive snap of the exhibit.
Don't
Don't you
Don't you dare try and dress me up,
I
Don't you dare try and dress me up, I know how your mind works! I think
it's
I know how your mind works! I think it's a good way for kids to learn
about
it's a good way for kids to learn about Christmas. Like...
#
about Christmas. Like... # He doesn't see you when you're
sleeping
#
sleeping # Because his vision is based on
movement
# Because his vision is based on movement #.
I
movement #. I think... Quite naturally if one of
those
I think... Quite naturally if one of those things exists the other one
shouldn't,
those things exists the other one shouldn't, isn't that the way it
works?
shouldn't, isn't that the way it works? -- I think if one of those
things
works? -- I think if one of those things exists the other one
shouldn't?
things exists the other one shouldn't? You can believe in suntan
dinosaurs,
shouldn't? You can believe in suntan dinosaurs, can't you? DMing
chronologically?
dinosaurs, can't you? DMing chronologically? Quite I will move
on!
LAUGHTER
--
LAUGHTER -- do you mean chronologically? I
will
-- do you mean chronologically? I will move on. Greek I mean, it is a
dinosaur!
will move on. Greek I mean, it is a dinosaur! Who thought this was the
topic
dinosaur! Who thought this was the topic that would bring the most
debate
topic that would bring the most debate tonight.
Now if it's Christmas, it must be Christmas ad season.
It includes the John Lewis ad,
which premiered on Channel 4 an hour or so ago.
A short trailer for the hotly anticipated ad was released
yesterday, and it looked like this.
Gran,
Gran, can
Gran, can I have this? That's all it
was,
Gran, can I have this? That's all it was, all right, so we thought we
would
was, all right, so we thought we would play a game is of each of us
wrote
would play a game is of each of us wrote a prediction on what we
thought
wrote a prediction on what we thought the ad would be, based on
that
thought the ad would be, based on that trailer, not knowing what it
would
that trailer, not knowing what it would be. We will go around now and
see
would be. We will go around now and see what all of our predictions
were.
see what all of our predictions were. Heart-warming John Lewis ad. A
small
were. Heart-warming John Lewis ad. A small boy reads about the
forthcoming
small boy reads about the forthcoming ban on smoking for the
under
forthcoming ban on smoking for the under 14s. He then finds a seat at a
market,
under 14s. He then finds a seat at a market, Christmas miracle, it's a
tobacco
market, Christmas miracle, it's a tobacco plant! He sets up a site
hustle
tobacco plant! He sets up a site hustle selling roses to kids and
makes
hustle selling roses to kids and makes shit load of money. The music
is
makes shit load of money. The music is a cover of cigarettes and alcohol
by
is a cover of cigarettes and alcohol by oasis, covered by Paolo Nutini!
Lovely!
APPLAUSE
The
APPLAUSE The little boy asked for that tree
but
The little boy asked for that tree but instead, being a typical nun,
she
but instead, being a typical nun, she chooses to knit him one instead,
which
she chooses to knit him one instead, which is shit. After being teased at
school
which is shit. After being teased at school he writes a song about how
bad
school he writes a song about how bad that Christmas was. That song
his
bad that Christmas was. That song his Got To Get Through This and the
boy
his Got To Get Through This and the boy grows up to be Daniel
Bedingfield.
boy grows up to be Daniel Bedingfield. He performs a slowed
down
Bedingfield. He performs a slowed down version of his garage andsome.
Mine
down version of his garage andsome. Mine is, 50 years ago his
non-planted
Mine is, 50 years ago his non-planted and not from the same
box,
non-planted and not from the same box, it follows her growing up on
having
box, it follows her growing up on having children, becoming a
grandmother,
having children, becoming a grandmother, while the tree is
looking
grandmother, while the tree is looking over her. The box is lost in
a
looking over her. The box is lost in a messy divorce and turn up on an
episode
a messy divorce and turn up on an episode of antiques Roadshow, and
find
episode of antiques Roadshow, and find its way to a local market where
the
find its way to a local market where the boy found it. It ends of the
grandmother
the boy found it. It ends of the grandmother revealing she left
husbands
grandmother revealing she left husbands due to his infidelity and
it's
husbands due to his infidelity and it's actually the remains of his
left
it's actually the remains of his left testicle in the box. All while
Lily
left testicle in the box. All while Lily Allen plays piano and sings a
cover
Lily Allen plays piano and sings a cover version of WAP by Cardi B.
Caveat
cover version of WAP by Cardi B. Caveat this is my second thought, my
first
Caveat this is my second thought, my first thought was, why does this
little
first thought was, why does this little boys want his brand back to
help
little boys want his brand back to help him not? But I had the guts of
the
help him not? But I had the guts of the more Christmassy foot of snow,
Greenstock
the more Christmassy foot of snow, Greenstock grows 3000 feet tall,
Santa
Greenstock grows 3000 feet tall, Santa Claus come down from it, from
the
Santa Claus come down from it, from the North he gives the kids
something
the North he gives the kids something from John Lewis, like
stainless
something from John Lewis, like stainless steel cutlery, which is
the
stainless steel cutlery, which is the only thing it wants for
Christmas!
the only thing it wants for Christmas! It's the only thing I've
ever
Christmas! It's the only thing I've ever gotten from John Lewis.
Everyone
ever gotten from John Lewis. Everyone else comes down the
Beanstalk,
Everyone else comes down the Beanstalk, hanging out with Santa
Claus,
Beanstalk, hanging out with Santa Claus, Adele hanging out with Elton
John,
Claus, Adele hanging out with Elton John, so thank God he planted that
tree
John, so thank God he planted that tree because no one else would have
a
tree because no one else would have a good Christmas ever again!
APPLAUSE
Jon?
APPLAUSE Jon? I was sure the music was Are We
Human
Jon? I was sure the music was Are We Human by the killers, I thought it
was
Human by the killers, I thought it was misdirection, he turns round, he
is
was misdirection, he turns round, he is a robot, there are no humans any
more,
is a robot, there are no humans any more, it's a wasteland. Cut back to
the
more, it's a wasteland. Cut back to the kit, he is in armour, he says, I
am
the kit, he is in armour, he says, I am John Lewis, let's fucking do
this.
CHEERING
this. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It turns out the actual ad made less
sense
It turns out the actual ad made less sense than any of our predictions!
Turns out, the actual ad is more bonkers than any of our predictions.
The kid plants the seed, and it becomes a giant Venus flytrap
which attempts to eat everything, including the family dog.
The plant is then dragged outside, but on Christmas Day this happens.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I
APPLAUSE I mean, look, it made me sad because
I
I mean, look, it made me sad because I thought, how much I could have
done
I thought, how much I could have done with them and I was a kid, it
took
done with them and I was a kid, it took me ages to open my present!
We
took me ages to open my present! We will have our own version of the
John
We will have our own version of the John Lewis ad next week for you
but...
Just before we go to the break, one final lighter story for you.
Crocodiles in Australia have apparently become
aroused by the sounds of helicopters overhead.
Don't take my word for it, here's the frisky way it was reported.
Queensland's male crocodiles are
being
Queensland's male crocodiles are being driven into a mating frenzy by
the
being driven into a mating frenzy by the sound and vibrations of choppers
flying
the sound and vibrations of choppers flying overhead. How can they tell?
When
flying overhead. How can they tell? When they're having sex? That they
are
When they're having sex? That they are aroused. I've been doing a bit
of
are aroused. I've been doing a bit of a deep dive, and apologies, I've
made
of a deep dive, and apologies, I've made some very unsavoury searches on
my
made some very unsavoury searches on my work mobile phone this afternoon!
I
my work mobile phone this afternoon! I really hope when Nigel Farage is
taken
I really hope when Nigel Farage is taken to I'm a celebrity, he
lands...
APPLAUSE
I'm
APPLAUSE I'm disappointed they didn't go with
the
I'm disappointed they didn't go with the headline Crocodile Dundee,
but...
the headline Crocodile Dundee, but... Question to you all. Would
you
but... Question to you all. Would you be more scared if you saw a
crocodile
you be more scared if you saw a crocodile swimming towards you, or a
crocodile
crocodile swimming towards you, or a crocodile swimming towards you with
an
crocodile swimming towards you with an erection?
LAUGHTER
If
LAUGHTER If I saw one with a boner, I would
be
If I saw one with a boner, I would be like, I just hope it fucking
beats
be like, I just hope it fucking beats me. I just think it's nice
they
beats me. I just think it's nice they finally found a cure for
reptile
they finally found a cure for reptile dysfunction!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
I
LAUGHTER I know.
It is a win for horny crocodiles everywhere.
LAUGHTER
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break,
as we wrap up the show with a final busking performance, and Josh wraps
up the last seven days.
See
See you
See you in a bit!
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Desiree Burch and Jon Richardson.
Jon,
Jon, you
Jon, you have a charity gig coming
up
Jon, you have a charity gig coming up you wanted to talk about?
Yes,
up you wanted to talk about? Yes, for the children's hospital,
featuring
Yes, for the children's hospital, featuring the wonderful Josh
Widdecombe
featuring the wonderful Josh Widdecombe who cannot now pull out
because
Widdecombe who cannot now pull out because it's been mentioned on
television!
because it's been mentioned on television! Desiree, I am so sorry
we
television! Desiree, I am so sorry we didn't get to your favourite
story
we didn't get to your favourite story this week, which is that the
Rock
story this week, which is that the Rock has revealed he was once asked
to
Rock has revealed he was once asked to run for president of the United
States.
to run for president of the United States. Yes, I kind of feel like
it's
States. Yes, I kind of feel like it's bad if you want to sit on your
president's
it's bad if you want to sit on your president's face.
LAUGHTER
Bat's...
LAUGHTER Bat's... But... But he would put
environmental
Bat's... But... But he would put environmental issues at the top of
the
environmental issues at the top of the list, melanoma eliminated in the
next
the list, melanoma eliminated in the next three years! This is when Joe
Pasquale
next three years! This is when Joe Pasquale comes out as the Rock and
sits
Pasquale comes out as the Rock and sits on my face!
APPLAUSE
Josh has been snapping up the best bits
of the last seven days like a giant venus fly trap
Josh, what have you got for us?
Would
Would you
Would you like to see the greatest
attempt
Would you like to see the greatest attempt ever at pretending to type?
That's
attempt ever at pretending to type? That's it from you, hope you have a
lovely
That's it from you, hope you have a lovely afternoon, whatever your up
to.
lovely afternoon, whatever your up to. Goodbye.
LAUGHTER
Would
LAUGHTER Would you like to see an unfortunate
clip
Would you like to see an unfortunate clip of a Sky News slip-up that will
haunt
clip of a Sky News slip-up that will haunt the host forever? Yes.
Danny Shaw, who joins us now.
Good evening, Daddy...
Er, Danny, thank you for being with us.
LAUGHTER
Daddy!
LAUGHTER Daddy! Oh! So that made your finger
straight
Daddy! Oh! So that made your finger straight on, didn't it?
We asked you, if Suella Braverman had her own TV show,
what should it be called?
This
This one
This one said, the S- H- I - T
crowd.
This one said, the S- H- I - T crowd. This was said, Only Shoes And
Purses.
crowd. This was said, Only Shoes And Purses. Love This Island.
Countryfile...
Purses. Love This Island. Countryfile... It's The Way She
Spilled
Countryfile... It's The Way She Spilled It. -- Mike Loveless Island.
And
Spilled It. -- Mike Loveless Island. And This One Said Rwandavision. --
and
And This One Said Rwandavision. -- and this one said Rwandavision.
We're about to end the show with a final performance from one
of our buskers, but before we do, would you please thank our guests?
Desiree Burch!
Jon Richardson!
And my co-hosts,
Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker.
We'll be back next week with comedian Thanyia Moore,
actor David Tennant, and the lead singer of Queens
of the Stone Age, Josh Homme.
But earlier in the show we showcased a busker with a disability,
and now we wanna leave you with another.
She's a disability advocate and influencer by the name
of Alice Ella, she's accompanied by her boyfriend Ollie,
and together they're gonna play Symphony by Clean Bandit.
Thanks for watching The Last Leg, my name's Adam Hills!
LAUGHTER
See you next week for the next leg!
# I've been hearin' symphonies
# Before, all I heard was silence
# A rhapsody for you and me
# And every melody is timeless
# Life was stringin' me along
# Then you came and you cut me loose
# Was solo, singin' on my own
# Now I can't find the key without you
# And now your song is on repeat
# And I'm dancin' on to your heartbeat
# And when you're gone, I feel incomplete
# So, if you want the truth
# I just wanna be part of your symphony
# Will you hold me tight and not let go?
# Symphony
# Like a love song on the radio
# Will you hold me tight and not let go?
# I'm sorry if it's all too much
# Every day you're here, I'm healin'
# And I was runnin' outta luck
# I never thought I'd find this feelin'
# And now your song is on repeat
# And I'm dancin' on to your heartbeat
# And when you're gone, I feel incomplete
# If you want the truth
# I just wanna be part of your symphony
# Will you hold me tight and not let go?
# Symphony
# Like a love song on the radio
# Will you hold me tight and not let go? #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
,
, one
, one out
, one out thank you so