♪ What goes on
♪ Thank you for letting us be ourselves
♪ So don't mind me if I repeat myself
♪ These simple lines be good for your health
♪ To keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
♪ Live, love life like you just don't care
♪ 5,000 leaders never scared
♪ Bring the noise, it's the moment they fear
♪ Get up, still a beautiful idea
♪ Get up, throw your hands in the air
♪ Get up and show no fear... ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Open your advent calendar, eat all the chocolates,
and tell the elf on the shelf to keep his big mouth shut.
It's Friday, we're live and it's time for The Last Leg.
APPLAUSE.
Tonight on the show, we sleepwalk into a climate disaster,
tiptoe around the Elgin marbles
and kick-start the international mullet championships.
And we'll do it all alongside comedians Harry Hill and Jordan Gray,
and environmentalist Chris Packham
on the show that always runs head-first into the news.
APPLAUSE.
G'day, I'm Adam Hills, welcome to The Last Leg,
the show that's been getting a lot of tweets like this one
from Chris this week...
With me as always are the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Widdicombe
and the man who isn't following COP28
cos he hasn't seen the first 27, Alex Brooker.
APPLAUSE.
Let's start by saying, for Sunday,
Happy International Day of Disabled Persons for Sunday.
Yes! How are you celebrating? Are you kicking up your heels?
No. It's like our Christmas, innit?
Mm-hm. We're gonna have a turkey on Sunday -
no legs, obviously.
Looking forward to seeing what Dr Claws brings me this year.
I got a RADAR Key last year, it was fucking brilliant.
I'm looking forward to it.
Are you? I'm going to walk with a limp.
Is that solidarity or disrespectful?
No, solidarity.
Yeah - although be careful who you do this to,
because sometimes they don't have fingers. So, you know.
You've noticed something about the symbol on my desk, though?
Yeah - that's the official symbol for it on your desk. Yeah.
I mean, it looks like my hands, let's be quite frank about it,
it looks like me trying to catch a ball.
Now, while we're talking disabilities, last Saturday,
we mentioned it on the show,
but last Saturday I was at the National Tennis Centre
where the Lawn Tennis Association held the first ever Come and Try day
for what's called Para Standing Tennis.
Now, it's tennis for people with disabilities
who don't use a wheelchair.
We're gonna have a demonstration at the end of this part,
but it was an amazing day, it was an incredible day.
A load of people turned up from around the world,
including Paralympic champion Gordon Reid.
I'm not saying I was overexcited by another special guest,
but try to find someone in life who looks at you as lovingly
as I'm looking at Andy Murray.
You look at Andy Murray
like I look at the McDonald's festive menu.
It's like you've just turned round at the altar
on Married At First Sight and you can't believe your luck.
You kind of look like you're going,
"You don't need Judy, you've got me now."
Can I just say, Brooker, he's not married to Judy Murray.
Yeah, I know! Cos she's like his mentor, in't she?
Oh, right, OK! I thought you were like... And his mum.
No, I know he's not married to her!
If that was a romcom, it'd be called 50 Love.
Can I ask...? Yeah.
It's a bit rich Andy Murray turning up to disabled tennis day
going, "Well, this is the one I can win these days!"
Well, it was lovely... We all know you've got a hip injury, Andy,
you don't fucking qualify, mate!
He posted this special photo of the two of us meeting afterwards,
which I thought was really lovely -
but check out the guy in the background.
He kind of looks like Andy Murray's security.
It looks like Rag'n'Bone Man's fucking livid, doesn't it?
The weird thing is, that guy's been following me around all week -
every time I try to text Andy Murray he just walks over.
I think I'm safe now. At least on TV I can probably get away with it.
Dear Andy, really enjoyed meeting you...
APPLAUSE.
Unbelievable.
By the way...
The creepiest thing about that is,
you started the text with "Dear Andy".
Tell you what, regretting my Rag'n'Bone Man joke now.
I'm gonna get the shit beaten out of me.
Now, of course, we are live -
you can message us throughout the show and ask anything you want.
Find us @TheLastLeg, use the hashtag ♪IsltOK?
For example, is it OK that Buckingham Palace is considering legal action
after a Dutch translation of a book about the royal family
named two people who are alleged to have asked about
the skin colour of Harry and Meghan's baby?
OK, is it OK that we're still unsure
whether or not we can actually name those two people?
So, instead we're gonna play this.
APPLAUSE.
OK, so the game is very simple.
All you have to... What's that, sorry?
Oh, we can't do that either?
Oh, OK. No.
No, fair point. No, I do like my MBE.
Yeah, Uh-huh.
No, it would be a shame if something happened to it.
Yeah, OK. Thank you.
Fair point, Your Majesty. Um... Fuck off.
APPLAUSE.
I love that people were feeling sorry for a racist then.
On to the news of the week now, and as the COP28 Climate Conference
kicked off in Dubai, Steve said...
Now, let's put this into perspective.
The planet has just had the hottest 12 months on record,
ocean temperatures are the highest in recorded history,
and Antarctic sea ice is at a record low.
Meanwhile, we're holding a climate summit
in a country built on fossil fuels,
which is a bit like having an AA meeting in a Wetherspoons.
It was even reported this week that the president of COP28
secretly used his role to push oil trade
with foreign government officials.
Thing is, though, you know what their defence is gonna be,
they're gonna be there, all these leaders all there,
and they're gonna go, "Look, we'd only have to take another flight
"to do this at a later date
"so while we're all here now, let's just get it done."
So they're saving fuel? Yeah.
Why should Dubai care about climate change?
It's already a desert.
Like, it's as bad as it's gonna get!
That's incredibly liberating.
You're just like, "Fuck it, how hot can it get here?"
Well, yeah, but the other thing that I read during the week
is that with the sea levels rising,
I think it was 95% of all infrastructure on the coast
in the United Arab Emirates would be wiped out.
So, they will suffer.
Is that why they're building the fucking big... the big tall shit?
The big tall shit! When I went to Dubai,
I got off the plane, I walked out of the airport,
my glasses steamed up,
I thought, "This isn't for me," and I left.
So, Britain is represented at COP
by King Charles and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak,
who also took along Foreign Secretary David Cameron,
or as they like to call him, their working class friend.
It was revealed, though, that all three flew to the summit
on separate private jets. Is this OK?
I think... My theory is, maybe they got on the planes
and it's like Home Alone,
and they forgot about Rishi like Kevin McCallister?
But what else are they gonna do?
Like, for me, I understand you can't have the Prime Minister and the King
on the same plane, but David Cameron, like, do you know what?
I reckon he would have gone, "Well, where should I go?"
and they're like, "Either plane, it doesn't really matter, Dave."
I think, two words, they should have done a road trip.
OK. All of them in a car together, Charles, Rishi, Cameron,
driving from London to Dubai, they're having a few adventures,
you film it, you put it on Amazon,
you save the planet at the same time,
you call it COP Gear.
APPLAUSE.
Arriving at COP28 on a private jet
is a bit like rocking up to an old folk's home
dressed as the Grim Reaper -
and it's not just Britain who's doing it.
A lot of the Middle Eastern leaders are also flying in on private jets -
sheikhs on a plane.
And none of them seem to care about the environment, either -
fakes on a plane.
And as we pointed out, a lot of them actually make their money from oil -
for fuck's sakes on a plane.
Number 10 released this photo today of the PM on his way to COP.
I don't know about you - do you know what I hear when I see that photo?
♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did ya get very far? ♪
I just think they all look so bored.
They all look like they can't wait to get back on their seat,
and the excitement of watching the map of the plane
go slowly across Europe.
Imagine being David Cameron and being told there's no room
on the plane, and then you see that picture turn up.
There seems to be a new genre of photo in the world right now.
Rishi Sunak on a plane surrounded by journalists
with a cup of tea in his hand.
Cos that's not the first time it's happened.
Here is in June on his way to Washington DC.
Here he is in May on his way to the G7.
The weird thing is, it's the same cup of tea.
He's just a very slow drinker.
I think the fact that he is holding a tea suggest that at some point
there was a meeting in which someone asked the question,
"What do normal people hold?"
To make it worse, he was in Dubai for eight hours.
He was only there for eight hours.
That's less time than it takes to bake a show stopper.
He was in Dubai for the same amount of time
that Liz Truss was in Downing Street.
Textbook Rishi, though.
Textbook Rishi - eight hours.
He's always struck me as the sort of bloke
who'd only do the first night of a stag do.
And, look, the big scandal that no-one's talking about at the moment
is the government actually has an independent advisory body
that tells them how to tackle climate change.
Now, not only is Rishi Sunak not taking their advice on board,
he's been accused of actually attacking them.
The Climate Change Committee literally told the government
what needs to be done, and the PM replied, and I quote,
"Everyone's entitled to their view."
These are environmental experts, they're proper scientist,
it's not just some bloke on YouTube.
What's interesting is that in the lead-up to COP28
the Prime Minister seemed to undergo
a slight environmentally aware rebrand.
That's right - the guy who flies back and forth
from his heated swimming pool by helicopter
was touting his green credentials this week.
He announced there's going to be -
the UK is going to get a new national park,
he also unveiled new nature plans,
and there's a really interesting thing that's going on,
and since the Uxbridge byelection -
so, you remember the byelection in Uxbridge,
the Tories won that byelection by a very small margin
and their big pledge was to stop the expansion
of the ultra low emission zone, or ULEZ.
MIMICS FOOTBALL CHANT: ULEZ!
Sorry, I don't know why...
I'm not in support of it!
Just every time I hear it!
That's honestly... It sounds like "You Reds!"
What...? ULEZ! You're not in support of ULEZ?
No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck off, Paxman!
So, what happened was, both parties started to believe
that environmental issues aren't that important to voters -
but there's a suggestion that the real reason Labour lost Uxbridge
wasn't ULEZ...
ULEZ! Thank you.
So, it was just because they ran a shit campaign.
So, the two takeaways for me are,
one, people do care about the environment,
and, two, sure, the Tories based the by election on ULEZ... ULEZ!
..and, yes, they won,
but just because two things happen at the same time
doesn't mean one caused the other.
I mean, I had bad acne when I was a teenager,
it cleared up when I was 20 -
I'm not saying masturbating was the key.
MIMICS FOOTBALL CHANT: Masturbating!
That's...!
It was too many syllables to do in that voice.
Look, if anything, my last sentence just shows how underqualified we are
to give an opinion on climate change,
so let's welcome a man who knows more than us.
He's a naturalist, he's a photographer, he's a presenter
and he's a climate change campaigner -
please go really wild for Chris Packham.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Pleasure to have you on the show.
Right!
What are your thoughts on COP28?
It has all the promise of being a tragic fiasco.
Ooh. Do you think it's gonna be a tragic fiasco?
In a way I perversely hope so -
I think it needs to crash and burn completely,
because all of us series environmentalists,
all of the scientists who have lost faith in it
for the reasons you have already outlined...
Right. ..it's a sham - and ultimately, whatever happens,
is that they come away with pledges and promises
which are then immediately broken.
I mean, we had the pledge of the Paris Climate Accord.
Yeah. Trump pulled out straight away.
During the last - well, during the COP in Glasgow,
we pledged £96 million to help nations adapt to climate change
in the global south - we ripped that money off of the budget.
And, in fact, the Americans have halved their budget
for what they call loss and damage.
So, the loss and damage budget,
which they have actually agreed yesterday, in principle,
and today our Prime Minister turned up and said that he would agree
1.6 million - er, billion, £1.6 billion...
Yeah. ..and the total budget has shrunk to about 21 billion.
The UN say that to deal with the floods, the wildfires,
the loss of crops, the loss of life,
is gonna take somewhere in the region of 200-400 billion -
and just to put that in perspective, when you think about it,
so, if we are pledging to give them 1.6 billion...
Yeah. ..not that we probably will,
because we pulled out and reneged on that promise last time,
every - well, in 2022,
we subsidised the UK - solely the UK fossil fuel industry,
by 13.4 billion.
So, we are subsidising by 13.4 billion,
and offering 1.6 to those nations that are on fire,
underwater and people are dying.
So, you're saying COP is a bit of a copout, realistically?
Well, I went to the COP in Glasgow... Yeah.
..and I went for the entire period
and it's not an understatement to say
I think that I came away chronically depressed. Wow.
Well, good to have you on, Chris.
It sounds like a review of this show!
OK, so I also wanted to talk to you about a letter that you wrote
to Ant and Dec this week, and I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
Tell, us what were the contents of that letter and what inspired it?
Well, I've written to them many times,
and not just to Ant and Dec but to the ITV producers of the programme.
And I and many,
and I'm talking, you know, tens if not hundreds of thousands of people
have serious concerns about the animal welfare,
the fact that animals are being used solely for amusement
and entertainment, they reinforce stereotypes
and really, they're undoing all of the work
that myself and my colleagues do to try and engender a respect for life,
in the midst of a biodiversity crisis.
Now I should point out, ITV have said that, er,
they have a very strict environmental plan
and they're transparent about protocols and all that kind of stuff
and that they do look after the animals. But...
ADAM LAUGHS
..would you nominate I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
as your ♪DickOfTheYear?
Well, they've got a big dick in there at the moment, haven't they?
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING.
Well, I tell you what, that leads me very nicely onto our next bit
because it is time to launch
our annual search for the Dick of the Year.
Yes, on the day Beyonce drops the Renaissance Tour Movie,
we are dropping the dick and the balls.
Now, last year's Ball Bags were Liz Truss and Elon Musk,
who I think might graduate this year.
I think Elon Musk has got a good chance.
The ultimate Dick of the Year last year was Matt Hancock.
Stiff competition this year.
Who do you guys think might be in the running?
"Stiff competition" - was that a genuine joke?
Yeah. I mean, at my age, not all the time, but...
Oh... I mean, for a while, I thought,
with all of that business with the spa in the garden,
I thought Captain Tom's daughter was in for a little bit... Wow.
..little bit of it, but no, I'm going to go,
I know Josh nominated it a couple of years ago
but I'm going to go with VAR
because I think VAR has arguably
become a bigger dick in the last couple of years,
and I think it's one of the most consistent dicks going.
Wow. Weekly dick!
Like, even Kim Jong-un apparently has the odd good day.
So I'm going to go VAR. It's a massive dick.
And look, I'm not just saying it as an Arsenal fan,
I don't think, but fuck, like..
Joelinton pushed Gabriel and they looked three times at it!
But yeah, anyway, I just think it's a general thing for football fans.
Josh? Justin Timberlake.
What the fuck have you just said?
I read Britney's book, and I thought,
"I don't like Justin Timberlake, not enough to nominate him,
"but I know how much Alex loves him, so I'm nominating him."
Look, our poll for tonight is this.
Who are you nominating as your Dick of the Year?
Tweet us @TheLastLeg, use the hashtag ♪DickOfTheYear.
Next week we'll whittle it down to the final six nominees.
The week after that we'll announce the Dick, the Ball Bags,
and the Steaming Turd Award for 2023.
But you know what they say in showbiz -
the Dickies don't start till the one-legged guy sings.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
♪ It's the most wonderful dicks of the year
♪ Ding-dong, ding-dong
♪ Who will you pledge for the meat and two veg?
♪ We just wanna hear
♪ Who's the most wonderful dick of the year! ♪
CHEERING All right!
Let's welcome tonight's next guests.
She once appeared on The Voice, he's just made a silent film,
let's hope they meet somewhere in the middle -
please welcome comedians Harry Hill and Jordan Gray!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Hi!
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Welcome. Harry, lovely to have you back.
Jordan, welcome for the first time. Thanks so much for having me.
It's nice, you're nice. I met you a few weeks ago and I've been
a little bit obsessed with you, if you don't mind me saying. Have you?
We met on Stand Up To Cancer, and you was all charming
and all nice and lovely... Yeah. ..and as a transgender woman
I think that we would make a very handsome couple
because you're missing one leg,
and I've got a third one I don't even need.
LAUGHTER.
Wow. I tell you what, if yours has a foot, fair play to you!
Er, thoughts on COP28?
Do you have strong thoughts on COP28, Jordan? Oh...
If the climate wants to change, just, we should respect that.
LAUGHTER.
Harry?
Well, I mean, the truth is that it's our generation, Chris,
that ruined the world. You know, we've filled the ocean with plastic,
and we burnt all the fossil fuels, but, you know...
..it was a lot of fun.
LAUGHTER.
It was. You know...
You could have a bonfire every Sunday afternoon,
see how dark you could get the smoke.
Throw on a mattress or a couple of rubber tyres.
LAUGHTER.
Now, look... We didn't know.
There was a story this week that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un
has had a hymn composed in his own honour,
so we've written one for Rishi Sunak and his green credentials.
Jordan is going to sing it for us at the end of the show.
But in some good green news this week,
the first transatlantic flight by a large passenger plane
powered only by alternative fuels landed in the US.
It was operated by Virgin Atlantic, went from Heathrow to New York.
It used sustainable aviation fuels that can be made from crops,
household waste and cooking oils.
Is this a good thing, Chris? Oh...
I mean... it's Branson bullshit, frankly.
It's just greenwashing.
The Royal Society published a paper in February of this year
which said that if the UK, just the UK air industry
started to use this type of fuel, then half of the farmland in Britain
would have to be given over to using it
and we'd have to double the amount of energy we get
from renewables, electricity, in order to satisfy that.
And globally all it means is that we're going to be
taking food out of people's mouths to put it into aircraft,
or we're going to be cutting down more rainforests
where the world's biodiversity lives
to grow more fuel to put in aircraft.
Jordan? Harry? Thoughts?
Surely we'd have to increase the number of chip shops as well.
LAUGHTER.
Which is putting more food in people's mouths, isn't it? Yeah.
Anything is an alternative fuel if your imagination is good enough.
LAUGHTER Gotta try harder.
Look, we mentioned... We mentioned earlier
the Para-Standing Tennis Day I attended last weekend,
which was thrown by the Lawn Tennis Association.
But I want to go back to it
cos as is often the case with disability sport,
I was kind of blown away by the way
that different people adapt to their disabilities,
especially when it came to tennis. One was a guy called Ross Cudmore,
who hit one of the biggest serves I've ever faced,
with one of the most unusual techniques, and rather than tell you
how he serves, we thought we'd bring him along to show you.
So let's go meet Ross Cudmore.
WIMBLEDON THEME.
Lovely to see you. So let's start with this.
How long have you been playing tennis?
I've been playing tennis for the last 18 years. 18 years.
And can you describe the way you serve?
Yeah. So I start, racket under my left arm. Yeah.
The place-up comes from my right arm. Yeah.
Racket to the right arm, and through, serving on the right arm.
JOSH: Show-off!
So give us...
Let's starting with a half-pace serve just to see how this is done.
So that's half pace. Yeah.
All right. So what we're going to do
is ask our guests if you can replicate that.
So we have a tennis racket down here.
Maybe use one of these foam ball, if that's all right. Health and safety.
So you've got to tuck it un... That's it.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Sorry, madam!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Good shot!
Er... Sorry! No, I'm just hearing,
we've just been sent a letter by Ant and Dec.
LAUGHTER.
A tip, what's a tip?
Yeah, the trick with this is that you've got to throw the ball
slightly higher to give yourself a bit of time to get the racket out.
Use that one, mate?
And then throw with your right hand...
No, what? Right.
Oh!
APPLAUSE.
That could have done more damage...
ALEX: I mean, you win for that.
That one? How did you do that?
I didn't even know you were up there until then.
So throw with your right hand
and then grab the racket and then serve it. All right.
LAUGHTER Sorry, sorry! I got that wrong.
Sorry, I got that wrong. All right.
Ross... He did throw it with the right hand.
He did throw it with the right hand. Ross, can you show us
a full-pace serve? Cos this is what blew me away last weekend.
AUDIENCE GASPS.
That is unbelievable.
APPLAUSE.
That!
Right, go on.
Oh, go on, are you going to...?
No, no, no, I reckon we're good, Alex, I reckon we're good.
If you want to play Para-Standing Tennis go to the LTA website.
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break
as we kick Greece right in the Elgin...
I dare you. Go on.
Go on.
You're the little boy that just got everything he wanted.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
We also want to know who you want to nominate as Dick of the Year.
Tweet us @TheLastLeg, use the hashtag ♪DickOfTheYear.
We'll see you in a little bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Welcome back to The Last Leg,
we're joined by Chris Packham, Jordan Gray and Harry Hill.
If you missed it, Jordan just hit Josh with a tennis ball.
Did you want me to say, "Ow! Umpire!" then?
Would you like to see it in slow motion? Oh, yes, please.
OK, here it is. Here it is. Here it is.
OK. Lovely ball toss,
turned it into a backhand... Oh, yeah.
..straight at Josh.
I'm so sorry.
Where there's a blame, there's a claim.
Now, look, in honour of Chris being here,
we do have a new segment tonight, and it's this one.
DOG BARKS ♪ Animals get the horn! ♪
LAUGHTER.
Tell you what we don't have. Yeah. More budget.
So scientists this week discovered that the serotine bats
have sex without penetration.
These bats basically cuddle for an hour,
rub up against each other for a bit, and then the male ejaculates.
Pretty much every teenage party I ever went to.
The reason there's no penetration is that the male bat's penis
is around seven times longer than the female's vagina,
and it has a heart-shaped head
that is seven times wider than the vaginal opening.
So... Yeah.
Chris, I wanted to impress you so I've done my research.
Serotine bats, right,
22% of their entire body length
is their penis.
They are a quarter dick.
And it got me thinking,
how do they sleep upside down with that weighing them?
Imagine sleeping... That is what it got you thinking?
Imagine sleeping upside down with that length, like,
poking you in the face.
You'd be using it as a pillow.
Look... This is the first story...
They're a quarter dick! A quarter of them is dick!
I know, I'm not shocked by that.
I'm just shocked that this is the first story in 11 years
you've researched!
LAUGHTER.
Is this, like, unusual, or are there other animals
that have ridiculous things like this?
There are some fantastic penises out there.
LAUGHTER.
So firstly you've got exploding penises. What?
So honey bees, when they're mating, the queen flies up into the sky
chased by lots of drones, the males. Yeah.
They have what you call an endophallus which basically,
when they make contact with the female's stinger opening,
everts itself due to hydrostatic pressure,
pumps the semen into the queen so powerfully,
an audible pop and the penis explodes
and the male drops to the ground dead.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER.
No wonder Sting got into Tantric sex.
There's an octopus that has a modified arm which doesn't develop
as those that typically reach out with their tentacles.
Here we go. It forms in a pouch beneath its eye. Yeah.
When it gets close to a female and the mating conditions are right,
that too explodes, detaches from the body,
swims to the female, climbs inside her body...
Oh, come off it.
He's just making it up now.
Once again the male dies. The female can carry
several male octopuses' arms around inside her body,
and when she wants to lay her eggs,
she can choose which one she takes the sperm from. Wow. Wow.
OK, there was one newspaper report... What I want to do
is see Chris doing those anecdotes on Celebrity First Dates.
LAUGHTER.
One newspaper report this week
on the sex lives of a variety of animals included dolphins,
who are known to mate up to three times in five minutes.
Dolphins also appear... According...
They appear to be addicted to sex play, and males
have been seen inserting their penises into sharks' orifices,
the gap between turtles' bodies and shells, and even into dead fish.
Again, pretty much every teenage party I ever went to. Yes?
By orifices... Yeah. ..do you mean that, like,
do you mean, like, their mouth?
So there's like...
You've got to be pretty brave to put your dick in a shark's mouth.
So you've got, like, dolphins...
There are sharks swimming round like Jaws, like...
Yeah. And there's a dolphin that swims past... Can you do it again?
Yeah.
You know, it's like there and the dolphin is like,
"You didn't get it!"
Just sticking it in. OK.
Did you say mouths?
I said "orifices". Right.
You chose mouth.
How many...? What other ones have you got?
Maybe that's why they call it a blowhole.
Oh, shit, yeah. Every day is a school day.
Let's get back to the proper news now. Steve said...
Now, this week, Rishi Sunak
cancelled a meeting with the Greek Prime Minister
in a row over something the British call the Elgin Marbles,
but the rest of the world call the Parthenon Sculptures.
Before we go any further, let's explain what the Elgin Marbles are.
They are a number of ancient artefacts that date back
to the fifth century BC.
They were taken from the Parthenon and the Acropolis in Greece
by the Earl of Elgin in the early 1800s,
he says with permission, others say without.
He later sold them to the British Museum to pay off debts
associated with his divorce.
It's basically Shirley Valentine, but if she had smuggled Tom Conti
back to England in a crate and later sold him to a museum.
Now, we were talking about this during the week.
Alex, you said you have no idea what the Elgin Marbles look like.
No, I don't. I've spent too much time googling bat dicks.
♪ Bat dick, na-na-na... ♪
So we're going to play a game now of Marbles Or Not Marbles.
OK. OK. So I'm going to show you some images, Alex.
You have to tell me if they are the Elgin Marbles
or not the Elgin Marbles. Got it. Let's start with this one.
There you go.
Ohh... Aren't they those little mints that you get
when you go in a restaurant?
Correct, they are... Well, they are white marbles. Let's go with this.
Elgin Marbles are not? No. No chance.
Do they look old?
No, they look new. OK. Correct.
They are just kids' marbles. Next one.
No, it's a bit, like, sculpture, innit?
Made of marble, it is an actual Elgin...
Yes, it is part... So they're not fucking marble?!
They're not marble. Jesus Christ!
All right. Next one.
But dolphins, they just... Anyway!
He's been near a dol...
He's tried to do it with a shark, in't he, that geezer!
That must be. If the last one was, then that's got to be Elgin...
Yes, that is actual marble. Next one.
I don't know who the fuck that is, but no.
That's Miss Marple. Oh, Miss Marple!
Course it is.
That's Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel. Next one.
Happy International Day of Disabilities.
Yeah, that's got to be more...
I get it. That's what Marbles is, yeah? Yeah.
They are the actual Marbles. And last one...
ALEX GUFFAWS.
Correct. She just lost her marbles.
OK. So Rishi Sunak claimed the Greek Prime Minister
assured him he wouldn't ask for the return of the sculptures
during his visit to the UK, but when he did, Rishi said,
"I don't want to be your friend any more."
That's basically what happened. How do we feel about this?
I wonder if he's just holding on to a bunch of headless statues
in case he needs to replace another Foreign Secretary.
A Greek newspaper carried this kind of blunt headline on Wednesday.
LAUGHTER
I get the impression they want 'em back.
I think so.
Then King Charles today made his feelings known.
He rocked up to COP28, made his speech with the Greek flag
on his tie, and the Greek colours on his pocket handkerchief.
To me, though, that's got airport present written all over it.
He's like, "Yeah, Prince Harry got me this when he went to Zante."
He actually stole that off a Greek man and won't give it back.
Now, Byron wrote a poem about those Marbles.
Harry, I believe you have done something similar.
I've had a go, yeah.
A little poem. An updated version.
The Greeks said, we want you to free 'em.
So Rishi, he wouldn't see 'em.
But they know what to do.
Just get in the queue.
And pop down the British Museum.
APPLAUSE.
What are you...?
All right.
So something like 60% of the British population
think we should return them. What do we think?
Unless we're gonna flog 'em, give 'em back. Yeah.
There is a way of getting the Marbles and the Parthenon
back together. Yeah. If every British tourist who goes to Greece
this summer takes a spare suitcase and a hammer,
we could nick the Parthenon.
And bring in back here?!
In fact, two!
What do you think of the actual Marbles?
Well, I mean, half of them haven't got any heads, have they,
so, I mean, there is an argument for updating them
with some Greek people that we might have heard of.
Like... We've got an illustration, I believe. OK, yeah.
Like George Michael,
Stavros Flatley and Prince Philip.
LAUGHTER.
Now, look, before we go to the break,
an ad for a Northern Irish pub went viral this week
when it created a tear-jerking Christmas moment
that even John Lewis would have loved.
Here's some highlights from the low-budget festive shoot.
♪ God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
♪ Guess he kissed the girls and made them cry
♪ Those hard-faced queens of misadventure
♪ Oh, and if I had a brain
♪ No-one needs to be alone, singing
♪ People help the people
♪ Nothing will drag you down
♪ Oh, and if I had a brain... ♪
It's a beautiful ad, but, Harry,
you think something else is going on here.
Possibly.
Roll it again and I'll tell you what I think. OK. Sure.
You got it? Yeah.
So he's laying... It's Theresa May laying a bunch of flowers
on a giant litter tray.
There's Iain Stirling and Laura Whitmore with their alcoholic dog.
This is just glorifying lunchtime drinking,
one of the advantages of working from home.
And there's the dog. GRUFF VOICE: "Can I have a drink?"
And then they try and flog him a funeral plan.
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
"Give us three grand..."
Yeah. "Give us three grand and you get a free Parker pen."
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break,
as a British person tries to steal a cultural artefact from Australia.
Plus, we want to know who you'd like to nominate
for Dick of the Year. Tweet us...
See you in a little bit.
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Chris Packham, Jordan Gray and Harry Hill.
There are a few developments in the world of fashion
that we want to update you on.
Apparently sleeves that cover your hands are all the rage
in what's being called the "cosy girl" aesthetic. Here's a pic.
It's supposed to look like you've borrowed your boyfriend's clothes,
but unless she's dating Inspector Gadget, I don't think it's working.
That's not fucking new! Have you ever seen me in a jumper?
I've been rocking that for years.
Should be called "cosy Brooker".
I'm very impressed... I can't wait to see you at Milan Fashion Week,
sat next to Anna Wintour.
You strike me as a man of fashion, Chris.
My sister is a fashion designer so I have to try and fly the flag
for the family. Right! Very fancy. I'm liking it.
Yeah. Jordan, are you fashion or are you fashion faux pas?
I'm fashion... I don't normally wear a beret.
I'm wearing a beret tonight cos a really nice lady sent it to me.
This designer. This lady called Tina Crawford.
She sewed a picture of me into the top of this beret
from a poster of me, from my tour.
I'm nude on that poster but I've got a microphone covering
the Jane Thomas area. We've got that poster. It looks like this.
So what she's done is, she's used the bubble on the top of the thing
to be that bit, and I'll show you what she's done.
That's my...
That's me with a little... Can you see that, Harry?
I don't know if you can see the little... Yeah, I can.
Careful with that, it might explode!
APPLAUSE.
And, Harry, I noticed today
that Rishi Sunak seems to be adopting one of your fashion traits.
Have a look at this from the plane.
Is he jacking my swag?
Now, while we're still talking fashion,
for £695, this striking Balenciaga towel skirt will make you
look like you just hopped out of the shower.
Thoughts?
Yeah, I went into Balenciaga to buy that, and they had run out
so I got the hat instead.
And I also got the cape. They do this nice cape.
APPLAUSE.
Now, earlier we talked about the Elgin Marbles
and whether they were stolen from Greece.
This next story makes me kind of understand how they feel,
since a British man by the name of Dr Alastair Bush is
currently in Australia. He's about to compete in
the World Mullet Championships,
to raise awareness for testicular cancer.
We spoke to him a few weeks ago,
but we can cross live to him now in downtown Kurri Kurri.
Hello, Dr Alastair Bush. Hello. How are you guys?
Fine!
And to prove that you are an outback Australia,
the Wi-Fi's terrible. How are the preparations going?
Yeah, good, thanks. Good.
Here, at the moment it's all building up, lots going on,
people are arriving, but no competition yet.
OK. So Harry is going to give you a bit of a pep talk right now.
LAUGHTER.
Take it away, Harry.
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Don't go too far there.
Don't cut it too tight to your head or you'll end up...
NORMAL ACCENT: This is an Australian accent! OK.
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ..or you'll end up with a mohican. Mohican.
That's not real. He doesn't know it.
Alastair, we're all rooting for you, we're all keeping an eye
on you, good luck, and I hope that pep talk helped!
Bringing it home!
I've got all this stuff.
We did a bit of research.
There's a number of family events at the Mullet Championships.
There's Water Pong but they've got something
called The Last Leg Shoe Flick, in honour of our show.
The game involves kicking a shoe and aiming to land it
on a table five metres away.
So in honour of the World Mullet Championships honouring us,
we're going to do it live in the studio right now.
It's the Last Leg Shoe Flick!
All right.
So here's how it works.
A dolphin would love your mouth like that!
So the idea is, you balance a flip-flop -
or as we call them in Australia, thongs -
balance it on your foot and then try and get it in my mouth.
I don't think I can even balance it on my foot at the moment.
OK. Ready?
OTHERS: Ohh! I've got short. One by one, everybody have a crack.
Oh, this is tense.
Come on, Josh!
Oh, no!
Alex.
Here we go.
This is what they call the money shot.
ALL: Ohh!
Definitely the closest so far. Chris.
Oh, I smell a Bafta.
Oh, the shoes. The shoes... Ohh!
I'd say that Alex is the closest right now.
Watch out, Josh.
JOSH LAUGHS.
GROANS.
You've got this, Harry. You've got this, Harry.
Who said light entertainment was dead?
Oh!
Alex! Alex, you are the winner of that. That is amazing.
CHEERING.
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break.
Josh is going to wrap up the last seven days,
Jordan's going to sing a hymn for Rishi. See you in a little bit!
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Chris Packham, Jordan Gray and Harry Hill.
Josh has been chiselling away at the last seven days. What have you got?
I've got some great clips. Would you like to see the sweetest moment
of a young boy sharing his joy at his new role
in the school Nativity? Yes, please.
Guess what I am in the Nativity?
I'm a classic one! Classic role, is it? Classic part? Yeah.
Um... Joseph?
No. Oh... Uh... One of the Three Wise Men?
No.
One of the innkeepers?
No. Um...
PHONE: Press the button to answer. Call rejected.
It's a classic part? Yeah.
OK. Um... You tell me, then.
I'm door-holder number three!
I'll be holding doors. That's amazing!
Holding doors for who?
Um... probably Joseph and Mary.
Oh, my gosh. Were you pleased when they said that?
Yeah. And... What did you do?
And, I was, like,
"I'm a door holder. Get in there. Let's go. Yes."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Take that heart-warming moment... Yep.
..and try and let it carry you through this brutal footage of
everyone's favourite, kiss cam,
at a recent NBA game.
CROWD GROANS.
Oh, I said it before, and I'll say it agin, that was like
every teenage party I ever went to.
Right, this'll cheer you up. Would you like to see a glitzy
fundraising company posting a snazzy Insta ad,
only for it to cut off at an inopportune moment? Yes, please.
Still dreaming of winning this luxurious Cotswold house
worth £3.5 million?
Well, come with me. Let's take a look around.
You could soon be waking up in this
palatial main bedroom
before taking a sh...!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Right, we asked you for your DickOfTheYear nominees.
I'm just gonna read through a random selection.
Rishi Sunak, Suella Braverman, ChatGPT,
Robert Jenrick, Suella Braverman, Putin, Suella Braverman,
Rishi Sunak, the bellend who chopped down the tree,
Vladimir Putin, Elon Musk, Suella Braverman.
Next week we will announce the six nominees and you can choose.
Jordan is about to close the show with a green hymn
we've written for Rishi Sunak,
but before she does, would you please thank our guests -
Chris Packham!
Jordan Gray!
And Harry Hill!
And my co-hosts - Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker!
We'll be back next week with
comedian Kevin Bridges and politician Baroness Warsi.
But right now,
since North Korea's Kim Jong-un commissioned a hymn for himself
this week, we've composed one for Rishi Sunak
to be sung right now by Jordan Grey.
Thanks for watching The Last Leg.
My name's Adam Hills. See you next week for the next leg.
♪ I heard there was a secret deal
♪ Suella agreed and then revealed
♪ But you don't really
♪ Talk about her do you?
♪ You're so obsessed with being seen
♪ As someone who is really green
♪ Then you fly around the world in your helicopter
♪ Helicopter Everyone!
♪ Helicopter What an arsehole.
♪ Helicopter ♪ Helicopter Come on!
♪ You vowed to keep the planet cool
♪ Then you changed the law to heat your pool
♪ Our climate worries seem to bounce right off ya
♪ So you announced a National Park
♪ And left us all to build an ark
♪ While you fly around the world in your helicopter
♪ Helicopter ♪ Helicopter ♪ Helicopter
♪ Helicopter. ♪
Thanks very much. APPLAUSE.
Ah, fuck 'em!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media