1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:04,920 # What goes on 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,320 # Thank you for letting us be ourselves 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,400 # So don't mind me if I repeat myself 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,920 # These simple lines be good for your health 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,040 # To keep them crime rhymes on the shelf 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,800 # Live, love life like you just don't care 7 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:18,920 # 5,000 leaders never scared 8 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,200 # Bring the noise, it's the moment they fear 9 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,720 # Get up, still a beautiful idea 10 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,040 # Get up, throw your hands in the air 11 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,240 # Get up and show no fear... # 12 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:32,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,720 Find out you got Covid, isolate at home 14 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,240 and leave the other two in charge. 15 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,080 It's Friday, we're live and it's time for The Last Leg. 16 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,120 Tonight on the show, 18 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,040 we zip through a testing week for the Prime Minister, 19 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,120 tie up COP28 20 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,240 and come face-to-face with the Dick of the Year winner. 21 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,840 Plus, we'll be joined by actor Joanna Lumley, 22 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:04,040 comedian Ahir Shah and musician James Blunt, 23 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,920 on the show that pushes all the right buttons. 24 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING 25 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,360 Gidday! 26 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,680 Hello. 27 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,360 Gidday. I'm Adam Hills. 28 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,880 Welcome to The Last Leg, the show that, just like you, 29 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,640 was under the impression Covid was all gone now. 30 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,480 CHUCKLING Holding the fort in the studio, the pride of Dartmoor, 31 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,000 Josh Widdicombe and the man who is barely concealing his glee 32 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,120 that I'm not there, Alex Brooker! 33 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 34 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,280 OK. Before we go anywhere... 35 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:43,680 So, the big news is I've got Covid. 36 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,760 Someone just rang on my door. Did you guys order a Deliveroo for me? 37 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,840 Yes, we did, yeah. Yeah, we did! 38 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,280 OK. But you didn't, you didn't tell me the code, 39 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,120 so there's a guy at the front door who won't give me the food 40 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,640 until I tell him what the code is... LAUGHTER 41 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,960 We thought it'd be funny to order you some ribs 42 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,720 for about 20 minutes into the show, 43 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,360 then for the first time in history, 44 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,360 Deliveroo were too quick. LAUGHTER 45 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,160 And so, now, I had to shut the door cos the show was starting, 46 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,760 cos I was like, "Mate, I'm on..." 47 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:11,800 I couldn't explain... 48 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,200 OK... You're at home. 49 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,040 Just for the fun of it, I'm wearing boxer shorts. 50 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,480 LAUGHTER 51 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,040 My earpiece has just fallen out 52 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,360 and now there's a guy at the door 53 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,840 who won't give me Deliveroo because I don't know what the code is. 54 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,200 I'll be honest. I'm surprised we didn't win a Bafta as well. 55 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,680 It's all gone wrong already, guys. Keep talking while I plug my earpiece in. It's all right, mate. 56 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:36,840 We've been worried about you. 57 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,040 Honestly, I think this whole thing just kind of reminds you 58 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,240 just how vulnerable the elderly are at this time of year. It's... LAUGHTER 59 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,480 It's really... 60 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,760 LAUGHING: Are you... Ah-ah, this is just the worst day ever! 61 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,560 Aw... Have you dropped... 62 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,960 Hillsy has dropped his earpiece, so he can't hear us, 63 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,480 and I for one think that to do that means he's a total wanker. 64 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,280 Right. OK, I'm going to do this. 65 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,480 Are you back with us, granddad, are you all right? 66 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,120 You're on mute. 67 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,160 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,280 We've got, we should say for people at home, 69 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,000 that isn't Hillsy's body below him. Yeah. 70 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,480 No. We did that because without that body, 71 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,560 it looks like you're a murderer who's too dangerous 72 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,200 to be allowed in the courtroom. 73 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,120 I don't like the fact that the telly's 74 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:29,800 got better dexterity than me. 75 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,760 Right. Can you guys, can you guys carry on, 76 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,320 just for a second while I put my earpiece in? OK. 77 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,440 Oh, you're still, you still haven't got it in? 78 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,480 No. 79 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,280 This is the greatest start to a TV show in history. 80 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,840 Oh, wow, he's just.... 81 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,920 There he is, he's very, he just... I think you can do it, Hillsy. 82 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,920 You've got Covid. Do this for the heroes of Covid - 83 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,120 Chris Whitty, Joe Wicks, 84 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,240 Captain Tom - not his daughter. 85 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,920 But, so, Hills, what we were just saying then, 86 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,000 can you hear us again now, can you hear us? 87 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,760 Nope. Nope, he can't. 88 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,520 Honestly, I think we should have just signed him up straightaway 89 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,400 to do that walk around the garden. 90 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,360 You said you wanted a Jacuzzi. 91 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,680 So, we did have, this has been planned for, 92 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:19,960 for the last 12 years. Yeah. 93 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,840 We've always had a contingency in case something happened, mate, 94 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,880 and you might not be able to make the show, 95 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,400 delayed flights into the country and whatnot, 96 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,240 so we have it here. 97 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,200 Here it is. It's just... No disrespect, 98 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,000 but it is gold and shiny because it is quite an exciting night. 99 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,200 So, yeah. So, it just says, "Break glass in case of emergency" there. 100 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,520 Fucking hell! 101 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,240 Calm down, Jack Nicholson! This isn't The Shining! 102 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,120 UPBEAT POP BEAT PLAYS JOSH HUMS ALONG 103 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 104 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,760 # Duh, duh, hey! # 105 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,680 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG MUSIC FADES 106 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,280 So, anyway, Hills, are you feeling all right, mate? 107 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:20,080 By the way, I don't know if anybody saw the geezer stack it there! 108 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,000 How are you doing, Hills? 109 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,360 INAUDIBLE LAUGHTER 110 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,640 You're on mute, mate! 111 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,080 JOSH AND ALEX: You're on mute. 112 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,400 There we go. All right. 113 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,560 Yeah. Yeah, here we are. You all right, mate? 114 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,760 Yeah, look, I've been feeling a bit rough this week. 115 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,880 Covid's still around, it's still a thing. 116 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,680 But it's also, I'm OK now. 117 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,680 I mean, you know, average. 118 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,560 But it's been nice, I've been retro all week, 119 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,280 I've been watching Tiger King, I've been baking banana bread. 120 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,520 Even banged saucepans out the front at 8:00. 121 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,680 The only thing I'm upset about is I was going to give you 122 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,760 your Christmas presents this week. Oh, yeah? 123 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,440 Aw. I feel bad. So I've sent them to the studio for you. 124 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:00,880 To the studio, from yours? 125 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,720 So, if the me below the screen can hand them over... 126 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,600 Oh, all right, yeah, we'll take them on, but... There you go. 127 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,840 ..it's just... LAUGHTER 128 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,480 I'm just going to go for it. 129 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,240 I've had the jabs, fuck it, I'll be all right. Fuck that. 130 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,920 I've got enough problems. 131 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,600 Oh, look at that! Plymouth Argyle jigsaw! 132 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,240 1,000, oh, that's a genuinely nice present, thank you! 133 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,280 So happy. What have you got? 134 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,360 Oh, mate, that's amazing! 135 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,840 Sorry, I've got, my mask's still on. 136 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,160 I've got an NSYNC Merry Christmas cup! 137 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:43,520 Aw! Thank you, mate! APPLAUSE 138 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:44,920 Aw. 139 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,680 That'll be lovely once we've sanitised it. 140 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,040 Thank you so much, mate. 141 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,400 Thank you. They are lovely. Thank you very much, Hillsy. 142 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,600 Aw. We did get you the ribs... Oh, and Alex... 143 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,720 Yeah? Alex, just so you know, when you wash that, 144 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,520 don't put it in the dishwasher, 145 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,560 you have to wash it in the INSYNC. 146 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,120 LAUGHTER 147 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,480 Cheers, mate. Yeah. 148 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,200 And they are, we are live, as always, 149 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,840 so you can send us any questions you'd like us to answer. 150 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,720 I'm sure we'll get a tweet from the Deliveroo guy, going, 151 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,600 "Mate, just give me the code." 152 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,520 We're on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 153 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:24,960 Just use the hashtag #IsItOK. 154 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,800 For example, Toni Marie from lilyb_designs contacted us on Insta 155 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,800 with a design for a Christmas card inspired by Alex' double blades. 156 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,120 It say, "My love for you this Christmas 157 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,240 "is like Alex Brooker with blades - 158 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,280 "it grows, it's more rapid and leaves me wobbling." 159 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:48,480 Now... It's nice. I didn't know Alex had met Sandi Toksvig. 160 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,160 I didn't realise how much I look like a potato. 161 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,440 I felt a bit left out by that, so I came up with a design of my own 162 00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:00,360 and I asked Toni Marie to make one up for me, so this is what she came up with. 163 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,560 It says, "That's not a stocking filler. THIS is a stocking filler." 164 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,400 Worryingly, with that, it looks like 165 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,360 you've just stolen someone else's leg. 166 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,720 Well, the thing is, that's exactly what I asked for. 167 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,000 I gave her a design and she came up with that 168 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,600 and I think she did a great job. 169 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,560 However, she also sent through this one as an alternative. 170 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,200 Can we zoom in on the candle? 171 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,880 Oh, thank God you said candle. 172 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,920 LAUGHTER 173 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,240 I tell you what. Once the wax starts going down, 174 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,040 that looks even worse, I tell you. 175 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,320 I'm just hoping it's not a scented candle. 176 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,760 So, our poll for tonight, we thought maybe a range 177 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,760 of Last Leg Christmas cards could be a goer, 178 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,840 so our poll for tonight is, "Suggest a message 179 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,880 "for a Last Leg Christmas card." 180 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,480 Tweet us @TheLastLeg, use the hashtag #LastLegmas... 181 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,920 Ooh, I've got one. 182 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,000 Yep? We could have one with, like, me and Josh or any of us 183 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,360 kissing underneath a leg and it could be, 184 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,240 "Kiss me under the MISSING TOE." 185 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,720 LAUGHTER 186 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,880 Or it could be me carving the turkey 187 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,720 and I say, "Anyone want a leg?" 188 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,560 And you both go "yes." 189 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,960 All right. Now, we are going to talk about The Dick of the Year in a bit 190 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,160 and show you what happened when we came face-to-face 191 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,560 with the winner earlier today, 192 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:27,000 but first let's get into the big story, the Prime Minister's week - 193 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,120 which is both a description of the last seven days 194 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,120 and the most commonly used phrase on Tory WhatsApp groups. 195 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,960 Everton Opinions said... 196 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,040 So, that completely sums up the quandary 197 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,160 that faced the Prime Minister on Tuesday 198 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200 when he tried to convince his own MPs 199 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:49,080 to vote for the bill to send refugees to Rwanda. 200 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,760 The clowns to the left of him said they wouldn't back the bill 201 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,520 if it breached human rights laws, 202 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:57,360 the jokers to the right want changes made to strengthen the Rwanda bill. 203 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,840 I've heard that phrase so many times the last couple of weeks, 204 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,080 "Rwanda bill", I'm starting to think it's a person. 205 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,560 D'you know someone you get down the pub who's just like, 206 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,600 "Yeah, I reckon we should send them to Africa," 207 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,640 it's like, "Fuck's sake, Bill, not this again. 208 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,560 "Every time it's your round you do this." 209 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,560 So, on Tuesday morning ministers were called to a breakfast 210 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,240 where Rishi Sunak tried to win over those MPs 211 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,640 who were opposed to the bill. 212 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,640 It was originally known as the smoked salmon offensive, 213 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,120 but was later downgraded to the bacon sandwich summit. 214 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,200 D'you know what? It's good to know the Government 215 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,240 are also making cuts to their own free meals. 216 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,920 Obviously as a vegetarian, I DO find smoked salmon offensive. 217 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,480 I think it sounds a bit like how you grade how bad somebody's breath is. 218 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,960 "Yeah, it's worse than garlic. 219 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,440 "I tell you what, that's a smoked salmon offensive, that is." 220 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,960 So, the bill was eventually passed by a majority of 44 votes, 221 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,280 with a lot of right-wing Tory MPs abstaining 222 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,120 rather than voting against it. 223 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,200 It'll now go off for more detailed scrutiny 224 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840 and there'll be more votes on it in the new year. 225 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:03,240 Rishi's got between now and then to make it both more right-wing 226 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,720 and more centrist. 227 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,880 It's kind of like he and the party are in a failing marriage 228 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,840 and he's going, "No, no, no, I can change. 229 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,120 "Let's just get through Christmas." 230 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:16,160 Imagine if your New Year's resolution was to send 200 people to Rwanda. 231 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,240 Do you think there's a chance on Christmas night, 232 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,080 Rishi Sunak's going to be visited by three migrants? 233 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,840 And he's gonna wake up, open the windows and go, 234 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,560 "Open the borders!" 235 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,800 Maybe that's our best hope for all of this, 236 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,880 is that it is like a New Year's resolution - 237 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,360 about three days into January he just fucks it off, he's like, 238 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,200 "Look, I ain't gonna do the Couch to 5K, 239 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,880 "I'm not gonna send them back to Rwanda. 240 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,640 Let's just have fun with it." 241 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,120 The Prime Minister's situation was summed up by The Guardian 242 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:48,520 and The Daily Mail, 243 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:53,000 who even used the same phrase of "for now." 244 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,280 Here are the two damning front pages right there. 245 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,360 You know what? No sentence has ever been strengthened 246 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,880 by adding the words "for now" at the end of it. 247 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,680 "In sickness and in health, 248 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,600 "till death do us part - 249 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,320 "for now." 250 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,640 "The test results are back and I'm pleased to say you'll live - 251 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,400 "for now." 252 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,440 "The allegations are pending, so you can still do your show on Rumble - 253 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:14,880 "for now." 254 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,280 Home Secretary James Cleverly called it "a Goldilocks deal" 255 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,160 cos it needs to be tough enough to keep the right-wing Tories onboard, 256 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,560 but not so tough that Rwanda leaves the deal entirely. 257 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,320 Oh. I thought it was called the Goldilocks deal 258 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,360 because it was as likely to happen as bears making porridge. 259 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,400 Honestly, how? How would they? I struggle with these paws. 260 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,600 See, I'm not sure, I'm not sure if it's called a Goldilocks deal 261 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,040 because Boris Johnson started it or because refugees will be lucky 262 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,720 to get a bed AND some porridge. 263 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,640 Some reports suggested that on top of the £290 million 264 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:51,720 we've already spent, 265 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:56,520 it's still gonna cost an extra £169,000 per refugee. 266 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,240 This whole scheme could end up costing half a billion pounds 267 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,080 for a policy the Home Secretary allegedly thinks is... 268 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,560 JOSH VOICEOVER: Batshit. 269 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,520 Nice work, other me. Well done. 270 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:09,880 Give yourself a thumbs up. 271 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,520 I, I can't believe your hands work. 272 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,200 No offence. Yeah, it's all right, 273 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,520 it's not something that's uttered on this show much, but yeah. 274 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,120 No, I, don't doubt me, Josh, don't doubt me. 275 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,920 Here you go, have one finger. 276 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,880 Look. There are so many charges being added onto this Rwanda bill, 277 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,640 it kinda feels like they've done the deal with Ryanair. 278 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,480 This is the thing. They think it's costing them a lot now. 279 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:46,680 Imagine how much it'll cost 280 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,120 if anybody forgets to print off their boarding pass. 281 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,800 And the mad thing is while all this was going on on Tuesday, 282 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,440 around 150 children crammed into the members' dining room of Parliament 283 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,760 for face painting, balloon animals and other festive fun. 284 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,360 I mean... Yeah. Go on. 285 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,320 Well, I'll just say it, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, 286 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,240 but you book one Peppa Pig 287 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,120 and suddenly David Cameron's Foreign Secretary. 288 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,200 That's a tough gig for the magician, isn't it, with Tory MPs going, 289 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,040 "So can you make any migrants disappear?" 290 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,760 But, so, I love the fact about it is the face painting - 291 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,680 there was face painting going on downstairs - 292 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,520 and there was actually quite a lot of people 293 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,720 that abstained from the vote upstairs 294 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,760 and I reckon that some of them have forgotten 295 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,600 that they were meant to be doing the vote 296 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,720 and they've gone, "Oh, fuck, I can't do it now 297 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,160 I look like a tiger, can I?" 298 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,360 And look, things aren't going to get much better for the Prime Minister. 299 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,120 One of Rishi Sunak's foes was quoted in The Mail on Sunday as saying 300 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,880 they were planning a, quote, "Advent calendar of shit 301 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,240 "to destabilise him in the New Year." 302 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,520 What is an advent calendar of shit? 303 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,560 Is it like... 304 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,320 # Five massive turds! 305 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,320 # Four little logs, three tiny pellets 306 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,760 # Two small squirts and a skidmark down a pear tree. # 307 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,160 You know what, Hills? 308 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,640 You were wrong at the start of the show. I DO miss you. 309 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,560 On top of all this, 310 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,640 the Prime Minister faced the Covid inquiry on Monday, 311 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,960 where he managed to not remember or recall events around 20 times. 312 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,680 Here are the damning highlights. 313 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,360 No, I, I don't recall either of those conversations 314 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,480 that you refer to. 315 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,160 I don't recall anyone in my office. 316 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,240 I'm not familiar with that document. 317 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,720 I don't, I don't know or recollect. 318 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,520 I don't remember the specific analysis. 319 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,320 Or I don't remember there being enormous challenge 320 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,520 of those assumptions. 321 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,760 I don't remember the degree of scrutiny over those assumptions. 322 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,320 I don't remember those precise conversations. 323 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,960 They may well have happened. 324 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,000 Yes. Now, I don't recall the precise timing and the date. 325 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,160 I don't recall, other than explaining to him 326 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,680 the stress that we were under. 327 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:07,280 I don't recall a specific meeting or conversation about those two things. 328 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,480 I don't remember specifically. QUESTIONER: All right. 329 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,800 I can't comment on the particular meeting because I don't recall it. 330 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,240 Again, I don't have a perfect recollection. 331 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,600 I don't precisely remember that. 332 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:19,880 Oh, my God. 333 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,920 D'you know what? Considering the week he's just had, 334 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,240 maybe it's a good thing he's got a bad memory. 335 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,200 His aides are like, "Aw, d'you remember on Monday 336 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,280 when no-one voted for you?" 337 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,800 He's like, "What? No, I don't..." 338 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,320 It's basically Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. 339 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,920 I think... Sorry. Carry on, mate. 340 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,560 Well, while one poll this week showed 46% of voters 341 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,400 think Keir Starmer is doing badly, 342 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,840 another poll was released that showed just how low 343 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,040 the Prime Minister's approval rating has sunk. 344 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,760 This graph starkly demonstrates the comparison 345 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,800 between the last three Prime Ministers. 346 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,480 What... How d'you, like, 347 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:55,200 how d'you end up in, like, minus popularity? 348 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,360 Is that, like, even if your own mum hates you? 349 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,680 What's your favourite one of them, Hillsy? 350 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,880 I know you've got a favourite one on that graph. 351 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,480 I mean, Liz Truss' isn't even a graph, it's a cliff. 352 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,800 My favourite bit of the Liz Truss 353 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,800 is the halfway down when she goes back up, 354 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440 as if at that point she went, 355 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:15,880 "I'm turning this round." 356 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,960 That was the day she had off. 357 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,120 And look, while all this was happening this week, 358 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,320 Vince said... 359 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,520 So, the Government decided to celebrate Disability History Month 360 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,120 making the minister for disability history. 361 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,720 Now, we've been trying to get to the bottom of this all week. 362 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,800 Last Friday we told you there was no Minister for Disabled People 363 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,560 after Tom Pursglove was moved on. 364 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,200 We then contacted the Government 365 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,520 to find out if there would be a new minister. 366 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,240 On Wednesday they assured us the position was not being scrapped. 367 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,400 On Thursday it was reported that the Minister for Disabled People 368 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,560 would not be replaced. 369 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,280 Then later on Thursday the Government emailed us 370 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,720 to say that Mims Davies has been named 371 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,400 Parliamentary Under-Secretary for people with disabilities. 372 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,480 But that's not the same as being a minister. 373 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,280 There's a common sense tsar 374 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,920 whose job it is to battle the scourge of wokery, 375 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,120 but there's no dedicated minister for disabled people. 376 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,080 That basically says to disabled people, 377 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,960 we're not as important to the Government 378 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,440 as the fight against gender neutral toilets. 379 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,520 Um, just listening to that, 380 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,160 I mean, the first thing I think is 381 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,800 I'm so glad that my name isn't Mims 382 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,160 cos I'd have definitely been called LIMBS Brookers at school 383 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,000 and that would've been terrible. 384 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,880 But look, look, this is what it comes down to, 385 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,800 is that there's 16 million people 386 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,280 in this country that are disabled. 387 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:48,840 So that's about 24% of the country is disabled. 388 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:53,480 And so, you're literally, that's a quarter of the population 389 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:58,160 that aren't even deemed worthy of being represented by a minister. 390 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,480 I just think now, 391 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,480 I used to get an inkling that they didn't really like disabled people. 392 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,440 But now, they, it's not even that they don't like us. 393 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,840 They literally couldn't give a fuck about us. 394 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,640 And I think that's quite scary. 395 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,320 I genuinely do. I think it's absolutely terrible. 396 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:19,160 For example, you wouldn't, like, get rid of a football manager 397 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,720 and go, "Fuck it, we'll just let the ballboy do it." 398 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,360 D'you know what I mean? I just think they couldn't give a shit. 399 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,840 It's really, it is a bit worrying, mate. Yep. 400 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,400 And all this has come in the week that the Covid inquiry 401 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,680 found that 60% of Covid deaths were among people with disabilities. 402 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,360 I mean, I don't know about you guys, 403 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,280 but I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. 404 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,080 Aw, no. And obviously there's the old bit as well, so it's like oof! 405 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,120 It don't rain, it pours. 406 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,920 Oh, no, and now that stuff with you muting yourself and all that, 407 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,400 actually I feel really sad. 408 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,320 Look. Not only do we think 409 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,440 there should be a dedicated Minister for Disabled People, 410 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,000 but Alex and I reckon we should be the ones doing the job. 411 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,160 Big-time. So we're going to give our pitches now. 412 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,080 In fact, let me just put on my rosette. 413 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,760 Lovely work. Lovely work. 414 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,360 OK, here we go. 415 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:11,720 Actually, d'you know what? 416 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,560 I'm just gonna relax and put my hands behind my head for a second. 417 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:15,600 There we go. 418 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,200 Ah, no, I'll put them back down. 419 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,280 OK, here's my pitch. 420 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,920 Itch your nose, Hillsy. 421 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,800 Scratch my nose? Yeah. 422 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,280 Oop. 423 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,640 All right, here's my pitch, the bid. 424 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,720 Right. ADAM CLEARS THROAT 425 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,200 MUSIC: Jerusalem by Sir Hubert Parry Hi. I'm Adam and I want 426 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,480 to be your Minister for Disabilities. 427 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,920 Sure, I'm not British. 428 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,440 But I did correctly answer almost half of the questions 429 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,400 on my residency exam. 430 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,720 If elected, I pledge to reform Pip, 431 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,640 but as an Australian my main reform will be to call it Pippo. 432 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,800 I also want to ensure every person in the UK gets a prosthetic leg, 433 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,000 whether they need it or not. 434 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,160 And to show you how seriously I'm taking the job, 435 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,760 I'll even rename myself - cos hills are inaccessible. 436 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,440 So I'm changing my name to Adam Ramps. 437 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,320 Make me your Minister for Disabilities 438 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,720 and I'll wear it like a blue badge of honour. 439 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,840 BRASS BAND MUSIC SWELLS To paraphrase George Orwell, 440 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,640 two legs, good, one leg, better. 441 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,440 MUSIC CRESCENDOS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 442 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,600 Thank you. I think I've got a tear in my eye. 443 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:26,840 Aw, mate. 444 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,120 Got a tear in my eye. 445 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,200 Yeah. 446 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,920 There we go. 447 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,360 Well... OK, Alex, your turn. 448 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,160 Yeah. Well, sadly, I'm not even able to put a rosette on myself, 449 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,880 but you managed to get a fake body to do it for you. 450 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,760 I can't reach my right tit. 451 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,480 Anyway, so, look, I could tell you how amazing I am. 452 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,560 Of course I could. But d'you know what? 453 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,480 I just think that it's better to hear it from other people, 454 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,720 so I have got a collection of some of the most influential 455 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,440 and powerful people in the UK 456 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,840 to tell you why I should be the next Disabilities Minister. 457 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,400 Hi, I'm David Seaman. 458 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,600 And if you want a safe pair of hands in Government, 459 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,880 it's got to be Alex Brooker. 460 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,360 What a guy! 461 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:13,640 Alex Brooker is definitely my guy for Disabilities Minister. 462 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:18,160 First policy, supplement your benefits for a two-for-one voucher 463 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,560 at Ocean Beach, Ibiza. 464 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,680 And I'm sure we will see it's not just the disabled 465 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,560 or Alex that gets legless. 466 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,000 This is Simon Webbe from Blue 467 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,800 and I just want to send this message 468 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,440 to say that we support Alex Brooker for Disabilities Minister 469 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,160 and when he gets in, we will change our name from Blue 470 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,280 to Blue Badge. DOOR THUNKS 471 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,760 That's just the wife getting in the car. CHUCKLING 472 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,480 # All rise. # 473 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,800 There you go. 474 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:53,240 I think we've done well there. 475 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,080 It's a tough choice between you two, but I knew you were doing this, 476 00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,200 so I thought, "Actually, look at the disability ministers, 477 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,360 "look what they've done for the last ten years. 478 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,680 "I'm the guy for it." 479 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,400 I've had a video made. 480 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,800 This genuinely, I think, is gonna get me the job. 481 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,960 PATRIOTIC BRASS BAND TUNE PLAYS My name's Josh Widdicombe 482 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:14,560 and I'm the ideal candidate to be the new Tory Minister for Disabilities. 483 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,560 I have a proud history of making sure disabled people 484 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,480 don't get above their station. 485 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,000 I always make sure they're fully aware 486 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,960 just how annoying they can be... 487 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,640 Bit more respect from you two in future. 488 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,320 Otherwise it won't just be your feet that are chopped off. 489 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,520 ..and I have an innovative approach to the Pip assessments. 490 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,560 You are here to compete for your disability benefits. 491 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:37,960 Josh, is that you? 492 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,000 No, it's not me. Or him. 493 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,760 And I'm not afraid to tell disabled people exactly what I think of them. 494 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,040 It absolutely reeks! 495 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,920 And, most crucially, 496 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,000 I can spot a faker a mile off. 497 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,560 Unfortunately for you, you've proven yourself fit to work, 498 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,680 so, uh, I'll have that, thank you very much. 499 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,800 So choose me as your new Minister for Disabilities 500 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,120 cos let's face it. I can't be as bad as the last one, whoever that was. 501 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:04,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 502 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,240 All right. Now, we're gonna bring our guests out, 503 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,400 but at this point I'm gonna hand the show over to Alex and Josh 504 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,000 because the three of us, I can keep in control, 505 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,600 but with guests on set there's no way 506 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,600 I'm gonna be able to hear and connect with everyone. 507 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,760 So take it away, you guys, you're in charge for the rest of the show. 508 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,960 Here we go. OK, so we're gonna bring on the guests. 509 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,200 Say it together? Yeah, ready? OK. 510 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,080 All right. BOTH HESITANTLY: Let's welcome... 511 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,320 Are we doing... Do that again. 512 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,560 So we're doing it, yeah, ready? 513 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,680 Right. BOTH: All right. Let's welcome... 514 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,160 No, we'll do it one word each. Shut up! We were doing it well. 515 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,200 We'll do one word each. Ready? One word each. All right. 516 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:37,720 Let's... welcome... tonight's... 517 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,680 ..guests... guests. Please... What the fuck are you doing? 518 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,320 Right, fucking hell. 519 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:42,480 Right. You do it. 520 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:44,560 OK, then, all right. All right. 521 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,480 Let's welcome tonight's guests. 522 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,520 One is fabulous, one thinks you're beautiful 523 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,400 and the other is king of the Edinburgh Festival. 524 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:54,480 Please welcome Joanna Lumley, James Blunt and Ahir Shah! 525 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 526 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,200 Thank you so much for joining us. 527 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:16,960 Joanna, how do you think Rishi Sunak's doing at the moment? 528 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,240 Well, it was tragic, wasn't it? 529 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,440 I mean, I think that when these things are compiled, 530 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,960 it just gives you a glance of the true man. 531 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,520 I think he's a sweet man, but I think he can't remember, 532 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,920 so this isn't the person we want as Prime Minister. 533 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,920 Ahir, how do you think it's all going? 534 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,600 I mean, fundamentally I think that it sort of gets lost 535 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,160 that no-one voted for any of this at any stage, 536 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,040 and that's quite overwhelming occasionally and so, yeah, 537 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,880 as it stands, listen, politically furious, racially thrilled. 538 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,280 Couldn't be happier for him and his family, 539 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,040 increasingly worried about mine. 540 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,640 Basically how I used to feel every time I saw Suella auntie 541 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,680 on the television. 542 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,000 Hmm? Calm down, Suella auntie, you're going to get us both killed. 543 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,320 And James, now, you've had, speaking of Prime Ministers, 544 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,720 you've had some run-ins with Boris Johnson, haven't you? 545 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,240 I have, a few along the way. 546 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:13,440 I met him in Kosovo when I was at the head of 30,000 people, 547 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,480 we had a Serb tank pointing at us and a floppy-haired man 548 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,200 with blond hair came and asked us the cricket scores. 549 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,920 That was really useful, in times of pressure. 550 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,280 And he's written, he wrote, when I was my most unpopular, 551 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,120 he wrote an article saying I was "indescribably wet." 552 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,160 My mother then wrote him an email saying, "What an arsehole"... 553 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,160 Aw. And we've had some other, actually, 554 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,480 really interesting moments. 555 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,560 After the general election when he was elected, 556 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,640 I found myself in a room with just George Osbourne and the Camerons 557 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,000 and I found myself in a corner, literally no-one else in the room 558 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,880 and Boris, he was thrilled to see me - "Blunty," he said, 559 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,520 "So good to see you. How's your mother?" 560 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,800 And then he said... I wouldn't want him asking me that. 561 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,160 Then he turned round to Osbourne and myself in a corner 562 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,560 and confided in us, and he said, 563 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,440 "What the fuck do I do now?" 564 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:01,840 Which was kind of worrying, 565 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,400 as it was the first day he was Prime Minister. 566 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,240 That's really set the tone. Josh. 567 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,440 At least he didn't have a big disaster on his plate swiftly after. 568 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,560 What you got for us? 569 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:12,840 Well, it's very exciting now. 570 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,920 It's time now for the award of our annual prize 571 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,160 for dickery! GASPING 572 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,880 MUSIC: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Edwards Pola and George Wyle 573 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 574 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,840 Yes! 575 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,400 Past winners have included 576 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,480 Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin 577 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,080 and Nigel Farage. 578 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,640 Now, normally Adam would run this ceremony, 579 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,480 but since he can't be here, we've called in our Adam Hills tribute act. 580 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:42,960 Take it away, Not Adam Hills! 581 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 582 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,600 # It's the most wonderful dicks 583 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,120 # Of the year... Ding-dong, ding-dong 584 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,160 # We're here with James Blunt 585 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,800 # To see who's been a c-dick... # 586 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:01,200 LAUGHTER # And give them a cheer! 587 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,040 # It's the most wonderful dicks 588 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:08,680 # Of the year! # 589 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,520 CHEERING Yes! It's the moment you've all been waiting for! 590 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,000 It's the 2023 Dickies. 591 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,120 But before we get to the tip, let's give out a couple of sacks. 592 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,880 James, please do the first award. 593 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,240 The first award of the night goes to the third place nominee, 594 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:25,640 The Left Ballbag goes to... 595 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:26,960 ..Elon Musk. 596 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 597 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,320 Yes! Last year he was second. 598 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,400 This year he's come third! 599 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,680 That's right. Elon Musk has been devalued as quickly as Twitter. 600 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,320 For services to online hate speech, 601 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,160 conspiracy theories and misinformation, 602 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,640 Elon Musk is having a ball! 603 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,720 Joanna, would you like to present the next award? 604 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,400 Yes. The second placed ball bag goes to 605 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,400 the managing director of the Premier League, 606 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:51,760 Richard Masters! 607 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:53,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 608 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,760 For docking Everton ten points for financial breaches, 609 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,080 Richard Masters has been voted The Second Biggest Dick of the Year. 610 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,440 In many ways, this has been a win for Everton fans - 611 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,480 and that's not something you can say very often. 612 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,960 Ahir, would you do the final honour, please, my friend? 613 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,760 The Dick of the Year for 2023 is... DRUMROLL 614 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,560 ..former Home Secretary Suella Braverman! 615 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:18,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 616 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:19,480 Yes! 617 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:25,640 As voted for by you, the tofu-eating wokerati! 618 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,120 Somehow combining both a triumph of diversity at the top of politics 619 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:33,120 with policies of borderline racism, it's Suella Braverman! 620 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,360 SCATTERED APPLAUSE No? 621 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:39,000 LAUGHTER Says it all. We attempted to deliver her award this morning, 622 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,280 and it's worth a watch later to see how we got on, 623 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,560 but for now, Suella Braverman is... 624 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,280 # The most wonderful dick 625 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,800 # Of the year... Ding-dong, ding-dong 626 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,320 # Criticised the police, demonised refugees... # 627 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,800 AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME # Said we don't want them here... Ba-da-da... 628 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,840 # She's the most wonderful dick 629 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:07,800 # Of the year! Ding-dong, ding-dong... # 630 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:09,880 We'll have more Last Leg for you after... 631 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,640 # Of the year! # ..as we celebrate our Dick of the Year 632 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:14,800 winner in person. 633 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,920 Plus, we want to know what's a good message... 634 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,000 # Of the year! # ..for a Last Leg Christmas card. 635 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,520 LAUGHTER Tweet us and hashtag it. 636 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:27,520 We'll see you soon! # Of the year! Of the year! # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 637 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,520 APPLAUSE 638 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:46,960 G'day and welcome back to The Last Leg. ALEX LAUGHS 639 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,680 We're still joined by Joanna Lumley, Ahir Shah and James Blunt, 640 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,640 and, I'm delighted to say, not Adam Hills. 641 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,600 Bit of fun, Hillsy! How are you doing at home? 642 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,600 The ribs have arrived! 643 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,760 CHEERING 644 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,240 What are we doing with our careers? 645 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,960 Now, James, exciting - you've got a book out. 646 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,840 Here we go, Alex has got it here. Yes, that's... That's why I'm here. 647 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,960 Loosely Based On A Made-Up Story. 648 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,880 And this isn't a normal memoir, is it? 649 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:16,600 Well, I was just worried about legal repercussions, 650 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:19,280 and so that's why I've called it Loosely Based On A Made-Up Story. 651 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,840 It is in fact all true. 652 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,000 But as long as we don't tell anyone then we'll be fine. 653 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:29,880 It contains the single greatest line to a book, ever. 654 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:34,360 Let's hear the audio version of the first 22 seconds 655 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:36,520 of the greatest opening to a book of all time. 656 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,680 I am a one-hit wonder. I know this 657 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:43,720 because when I walk down the street, strangers call out, 658 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,160 "Hey, James! You're beautiful." 659 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:51,080 I try to act all blase and say, "Ha! I know what you did there," 660 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,960 but really I'm thinking, c...BLEEP! 661 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:56,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 662 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:08,880 Enough of this, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"... 663 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,240 It was the best of.. No, we can't say it! 664 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,840 Also, you've got a documentary out. Is that about being a potty mouth? 665 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:17,760 Yeah, it is. It's a kind of similar thing of, 666 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,160 they show life as a wannabe rock star 667 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,840 who's ended up as a minor pop star instead. 668 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:25,080 Well, let's see a clip. So it's all painful viewing. 669 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,880 This is exactly what we want to capture. 670 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,840 The loneliness of touring. Exactly. 671 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,280 So Valentine's Day on the Isle of Man. 672 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,760 Yeah, but it's you and me. 673 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:39,240 How romantic. 674 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:43,000 Goodness gracious me! Hello, how are you? 675 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,400 I'm good, thank you. So glad to meet you. Nice to meet you. 676 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,320 How are you doing? Good. I can't believe it. 677 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,160 Well, thank you. Are you coming tonight? 678 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,640 Um, no, sorry. No? Oh, well, I'll miss you. 679 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 680 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,440 James Blunt: One Brit Wonder is available for purchase or rent 681 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,120 from Friday 22nd December. 682 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:09,000 Now, we've promised you something very exciting, 683 00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:12,320 which is how we tried to announce 684 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,760 the Dick of the Year to Suella Braverman. 685 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:18,200 Two men who've been spending their day doing this very important work, 686 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:20,080 honouring the Dick of the Year in person, 687 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:24,080 please welcome Josh Pieters and Archie Manners! 688 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 689 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:34,440 Hello. Hello. 690 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,400 How are you doing? Good to see you. You all right? Good to see you. 691 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,480 It's like Madame Tussauds in here. It's the real Joanna Lumley! 692 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,600 LAUGHTER 693 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,760 But not Adam Hills! Most crucially. 694 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,520 Now, you've got a history of making life difficult for awful people. 695 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,040 You've met Katie Hopkins. How did that go? 696 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,960 Well, look, Katie is a very special person. 697 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,520 So we thought we should fly her to Prague 698 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:01,040 and give her a very special award, 699 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,440 which was the Campaign to Unify the Nation Trophy. 700 00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,400 Now, if you...if you're good with acronyms, 701 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:08,640 like I can see you are... 702 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,120 There was a major problem, though, 703 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,680 because unfortunately, I'm not very good with font sizes, 704 00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:15,520 so when we put the Campaign to Unify the Nation Trophy behind her 705 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,440 in an image... Well, shall we have a look? Well, yeah, have a see. 706 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,280 It was a terrible mistake, really. 707 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:21,800 LAUGHTER 708 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,800 I can't explain why that's funny. But... 709 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,800 Anyway... It was so, so stupid of you. 710 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,640 I don't know what happened there. But anyway, she's actually, yeah, 711 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:32,200 she won a very special award. 712 00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:34,960 And part of this was the reason why we wanted you 713 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,520 to present Suella, honour her as Dick of the Year. 714 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:40,920 So how did you originally aim to get in touch with her? 715 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,200 Well, what we do is we kind of try and approach people 716 00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:45,480 in lots of different ways. So I approached Suella, 717 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:47,320 or Cruella, as I call her, 718 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,280 19 different ways, from 19 different personalities 719 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,920 with 19 different companies. 720 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,680 One, I said I'd got a major problem with the NHS 721 00:34:54,720 --> 00:34:56,960 and I was told she would see me 722 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,360 in March 2024, 723 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,520 which, if you've got a major problem with the NHS, isn't that vibey. 724 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,720 It might well be too late by then. 725 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,160 And I then said, "Well..." From another company, 726 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:10,160 "Would you come and launch a small boat for a local company? 727 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,240 "And there'll be photographers down there." 728 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:15,440 And she said, "Yeah, sure, fuck it, I'll see you on Friday." 729 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:19,400 And that was today. Well, let's see how you got on. 730 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,880 We're in the heart of Suella Braverman's Fareham constituency. 731 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,240 And at 12:15 tomorrow, we'll be meeting her in person 732 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,680 to formally declare her as 2023's Dick of the Year. 733 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,480 But how did we get here? 734 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,560 Well, it started with Archie sending her a very important email. 735 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,240 From a completely fake company called Fareham Fishing 736 00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,920 inviting her to launch a new small boat, the Betty Warren, 737 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,640 which she was delighted to accept. 738 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,360 ON PHONE: I've had an email from one of Suella's people. 739 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:44,880 She'd love to launch the boat. 740 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:46,080 You're telling me the lady 741 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,360 who's put her life work into stopping the small boats 742 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,760 is now going to be launching her own small boat? 743 00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,280 LAUGHTER If you want to put it that way, yes. 744 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,880 That's sort of exactly what's going to happen, yes. 745 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:02,080 We're at Fareham Marina and the stage is set. 746 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,960 The nation's biggest dick is about to come. 747 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,240 That's wrong. She's about to arrive. 748 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:10,640 And, just a few minutes late, 749 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,040 the former Home Secretary arrived to be shafted. 750 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:14,920 Hi, everyone. Hello. How are you doing? 751 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,080 Hi, lovely to meet you. 752 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:18,240 Thank you so much for coming down. Good to see you. 753 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,280 If you just stand behind. 754 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,920 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the launch of the Betty Warren. 755 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:27,680 We're really proud to have Suella Braverman here to launch here. Absolutely. 756 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:30,440 My name is Captain John Guy and I'm beyond delighted 757 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,160 to welcome our local MP 758 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:36,720 and much missed former Home Secretary Suella Braverman KC MP. 759 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,760 APPLAUSE 760 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,240 It is testament to Suella's dedication as a local MP 761 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,200 that she has taken the time to christen this small boat. 762 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:47,320 With her huge engine, sleek exterior 763 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:52,360 but strong, firm and steady tiller, she is just perfect. 764 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,040 And that's just Suella! 765 00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:55,800 LAUGHTER 766 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:58,240 Although it may just be a small boat, 767 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:01,720 it will have a big impact on the local maritime community. 768 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,080 So without further ado, to launch Fareham Fishing's newest vessel, 769 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:07,840 please welcome our very own right honourable member, 770 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:10,040 Suella Braverman. 771 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,000 Hear, hear! 772 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,640 John, Fareham Fishing, it's a real honour. 773 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:18,240 A real honour to be here to join your fantastic team, 774 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:22,440 to pay tribute to all of you for your confidence in Fareham. 775 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,280 Good luck to the Betty Warren. 776 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,200 My honour to launch her. 777 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:30,520 Hey! 778 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:31,880 STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS 779 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:34,960 You are also The Last Leg's Dick of the Year! 780 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:39,080 By popular vote. 781 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:42,040 Brilliant. Thank you so much. Fantastic. Thank you. 782 00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:01,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 783 00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:08,720 And, very quickly, once the cameras stopped rolling, how was it? 784 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:12,280 It was pretty wild, one of her voters saw it was going on, 785 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,840 went up to one of our hidden microphones, picked it up 786 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:16,560 and said, "I know you can hear me," 787 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,560 and then threw it into the water. 788 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,040 It might be on Channel 4's YouTube later next week 789 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:22,680 if the lawyers allow us to do it. 790 00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:25,720 Incredible work. Ladies and gentlemen, Josh and Archie! 791 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:27,080 Thank you. 792 00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:29,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 793 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,320 We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break 794 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,800 as Alex takes the reins. Plus, we want to know - 795 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:36,000 what's a good message for the Last Leg Christmas card? 796 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,480 Tweet us @TheLastLeg and hashtag it #LastLegmas. See you soon. 797 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:40,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 798 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:51,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 799 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:55,960 Welcome back to The Last Leg. 800 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:59,440 We're joined by Joanna Lumley, Ahir Shah and James Blunt. 801 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:02,800 And for this part, ladies and gentlemen, I'm in charge! 802 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:03,920 CHEERING 803 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,680 # Everybody 804 00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:08,360 # Rock your body right 805 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,720 # Backstreet's back 806 00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,320 # All right. # 807 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,400 AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH SONG 808 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,080 Well, it's my part, so everybody's got a drink. 809 00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,960 Hills, you've got a Lemsip... 810 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:24,960 Oh, no, you've got ribs. You're just tucking into the ribs, ain't ya? 811 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,120 Yeah. Oh, mate, you're like me normally in part three, 812 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:30,320 just absolutely switched off already! 813 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:35,240 Right, let's crack on with the big news of the week 814 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:38,160 and astronaut Frank Rubio has been exonerated 815 00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:39,640 after being accused of eating... 816 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:42,080 Sorry, I'm putting my arm on the sofa like I'm on The One Show. 817 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:43,920 ..has been... LAUGHTER 818 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,760 ..has been exonerated... We're going to be 819 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:48,920 the next Holly and Phil, we know that! 820 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,280 We skipped the queue at Alton Towers, didn't we? We did! 821 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:54,520 Anyway, so, astronaut Frank Rubio has been exonerated 822 00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:59,040 after being accused of eating the first-ever tomato grown in space. 823 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:00,960 Now, this controversy has very much been 824 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:03,240 the Wagatha Christie of the space world, 825 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,480 with NASA accusing Rubio in a social media post which said, 826 00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:09,280 "It was..... 827 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,440 "..in Frank Rubio's BLT." 828 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,120 So basically, poor old Frank Rubio, so what's happened is, 829 00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:16,680 He's been on the International Space Station for a year, 830 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,320 growing this tomato plant. 831 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:22,200 It's gone missing and he's been accused of eating it. 832 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:26,520 It's now turned up, unsurprisingly, on the International Space Station, 833 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,360 and I assume in the salad drawer, so... 834 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:31,120 What do we reckon? 835 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,360 Are you...are you guys...? 836 00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,360 I've followed that really closely. Have you? 837 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:38,040 I knew he hadn't eaten it or stolen it. 838 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:39,560 I knew it had floated away, 839 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:42,240 cos we've seen films. They float away! 840 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,200 Oh, stuff's always... 841 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:46,400 I thought, I was the same as you, I was like, that's... 842 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,960 It floats, shit floats in space, doesn't it? That's... 843 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,880 They found it when, on re-entry, it was just grilled. 844 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:56,200 Right, it would be nice to move on 845 00:40:56,240 --> 00:41:00,040 so we've sadly got to move on to some sombre news now. 846 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,960 So, look, after the last...over the last 11 years 847 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,200 we have seen some really inspirational stuff on The Last Leg, 848 00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:09,360 but I'm going to be honest with you, I saw a touching clip this week 849 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,000 that really made me really emotional. Um... 850 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:15,400 Here's former England striker 851 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,480 talking about his bravery as a child. 852 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:20,480 You know, everything was a challenge. 853 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:24,160 I'd eat an apple, you know, watching the TV at night 854 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,840 and the bin would be by the TV, you know, 855 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,160 six metres away or whatever it was. Did you get it in? 856 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:33,200 And, well, I would just do it. I had the bravery to miss 857 00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:36,120 and for there to be a stain on the wallpaper 858 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,720 and for my mum to absolutely scream at me and send me upstairs. 859 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,360 I wasn't cocky at all, but the next day I'd do the same 860 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,600 and I'd be, boom, and it'd go right in the middle, 861 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:46,640 and my dad would give me a nod of approval, 862 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,520 and my mum would be seething. 863 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,000 WHISPERS: Which cam? 864 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:51,240 LAUGHTER 865 00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:54,200 So, once I had finished crying 866 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,360 that gave me an idea for a game. Um... 867 00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:57,880 LAUGHTER 868 00:41:57,920 --> 00:41:59,320 You can see where this is going. 869 00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:01,640 This will test whether you are as brave as Michael Owen 870 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:04,200 when it comes to chucking away your organic waste. 871 00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:06,600 Everyone can play this, including you at home, 872 00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,400 and I'm looking at you, Hills! 873 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:10,960 Welcome to Apple In A Bucket! 874 00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:14,200 # Apple in a bucket Apple in a bucket 875 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,280 # You're loving it Loving it, loving it 876 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,000 # You're loving it like that! # 877 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:23,120 So, welcome... Come on, I'm Not Adam Hills. Join us. 878 00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:25,280 Welcome to Apple In A Bucket. 879 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:28,480 It says here that I've got to explain the rules to you. 880 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,880 It's fairly simple. Basically, we're all going to try 881 00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,920 and lob an apple in the bucket that is over there. 882 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,840 Joanna, I'm so... I know you've done Absolutely Fabulous, 883 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:39,280 and this is absolutely shit, so I really apologise. Yeah. 884 00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:40,440 LAUGHTER 885 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:43,240 But, look, we're going to start... I can't see, where's the bucket? 886 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,640 The bucket's behind that chair over there. Where?! 887 00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:47,840 Yeah, it's, like, all the way over there. That's... 888 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,640 This is what Michael Owen had to go through. 889 00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,200 I just wanted us to experience this. 890 00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:53,280 I'm Not Adam Hills, when he takes this away, 891 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,080 we're going to go. Go for it! 892 00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,040 # Apple in a bucket Apple in a bucket 893 00:42:58,080 --> 00:42:59,880 # We're loving it, loving it Loving it 894 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:02,200 # We're loving it like that! # Oh! 895 00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:03,680 # Apple in a bucket. # 896 00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:05,560 Oh! Oh! 897 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:09,680 # We're loving it like that... # 898 00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:12,680 THEY SHOUT 899 00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:14,240 Right, um... 900 00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:16,200 LAUGHTER 901 00:43:16,240 --> 00:43:18,120 We...we'll have more... 902 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:19,400 LAUGHTER 903 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,800 We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break, 904 00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,760 as we try to work out whose idea Apple In A Bucket was, 905 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,600 and a special guest sings us out. 906 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:29,880 We'll see you in a bit! 907 00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:31,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 908 00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:39,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 909 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,640 G'day and welcome back to The Last Leg, 910 00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:48,360 where we're joined by Joanna Lumley, 911 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,680 Ahir Shah, James Blunt, Josh and Archie, 912 00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:53,560 and an AI version of Adam Hills. 913 00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,240 Normally I'm given the very important and tricky job 914 00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:58,400 of playing funny animal clips at the end of the show. 915 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:01,080 But seeing as Adam didn't wash his hands after going on the Tube, 916 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,440 we've been forced to swap roles, 917 00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:06,640 so it's time to see if he can pull it off. Adam, 918 00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:09,240 you've been taking a lateral flow to the week, 919 00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:11,680 so what have you got for us? 920 00:44:11,720 --> 00:44:13,960 IMITATING JOSH: Would you like to see... 921 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,640 LAUGHTER 922 00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,600 AS HIMSELF: Would you like to see a cute baby 923 00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:20,280 displaying his love of some funky music? 924 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:21,560 Yes, please. 925 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:26,760 MUSIC: instrumental intro to The Next Episode by Dr Dre 926 00:44:31,240 --> 00:44:32,920 BABY LAUGHS 927 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:34,320 RIFF PLAYS 928 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:36,200 LAUGHTER 929 00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:37,800 # Snoop Dogg! 930 00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,440 # Da, da, da, da, da 931 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,520 # You know I'm mobbin' with the DRE... # 932 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,440 LAUGHTER 933 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:45,800 Oh, it's like Alex at 2am! 934 00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:47,480 LAUGHTER 935 00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,080 Would you like to see an unathletic toddler 936 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:53,400 trying to emulate some impressive gymnastics? 937 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:54,840 Yeah. 938 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:55,960 Go. 939 00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 940 00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,440 It's like Alex at 3am! 941 00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:15,240 Sorry, I got a Twiglet stuck in my throat! 942 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:17,880 Would you like to see a visibly tipsy woman get a surprise 943 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:19,920 from an overly sensitive sofa bed? 944 00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:21,440 Yes, please. Yeah. 945 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:25,280 CAMERAWOMAN MUTTERS: Oh, she's a good egg, mate, 946 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,760 getting me my bed, isn't she? 947 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,240 With the, um... 948 00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:33,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 949 00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:43,000 Oh... 950 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:45,000 It's like Alex at 4am. 951 00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,000 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 952 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,920 All right, we asked you for a message for a Last Leg Christmas card. 953 00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:52,080 Warren said, "We wish you a hoppy Christmas." 954 00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,600 Andy said, "Last Christmas I gave you my blades 955 00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:57,040 "but the very next day, you gave them away." 956 00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:59,200 Crispin said, "Limp into Christmas." 957 00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:01,720 And Dan said, "I don't want a lot for Christmas. 958 00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,320 "There's just one leg I need." 959 00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,080 Right, we're about to end the show 960 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,000 with a song about other dicks from the year 961 00:46:08,040 --> 00:46:10,400 but before we do, would you please thank our guests? 962 00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,000 Joanna Lumley! 963 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:15,360 Ahir Shah! 964 00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,560 James Blunt! 965 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:20,040 Josh and Archie! 966 00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:22,600 And my co-hosts Josh Widdicombe 967 00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:24,400 and Adam Hills! 968 00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:25,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 969 00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,360 We'll be back next week for our Christmas special 970 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,960 with fabulous guests Alison Hammond and Tom Davis 971 00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:33,200 and I'll be singing with my childhood hero. 972 00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:36,360 Now, Hills, I know you'd normally be here with us to sing us out, 973 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,720 but would you like to introduce the end of the show song, please, mate? 974 00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:41,440 I would, Alex. Look, we've been doing 975 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:44,280 the Dick of the Year awards for ten years now, and do you know what? 976 00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,200 People just keep being dicks. 977 00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:49,240 So we thought maybe we need to remind people not to be. 978 00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,600 So we're going to end the show with Not Adam Hills 979 00:46:51,640 --> 00:46:53,520 to sing us a lovely reminder. 980 00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:58,320 APPLAUSE 981 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,520 # As we put the year to bed 982 00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,920 # And we take some time to look ahead 983 00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,840 # Just remember what I've said 984 00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,520 # Don't be a dick 985 00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:18,280 AUDIENCE: # Don't be a dick! 986 00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:20,160 # Now when you watch TV 987 00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,080 # There ain't no need to tweet 988 00:47:22,120 --> 00:47:25,680 # Enjoy the football and let women do their job in peace 989 00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:29,800 # Joey Barton, we are aimin' this at you, yeah 990 00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:31,600 # Mm 991 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,800 # If you got refugees 992 00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:35,360 # And they are tryna flee 993 00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:38,680 # Don't take down M I C K E Y M O U S E 994 00:47:38,720 --> 00:47:42,800 # Robert Jenrick We're aimin' this at you, ooh 995 00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:44,000 # Oh 996 00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:46,320 # Before you leave your crease 997 00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,440 # Just make sure that play has really ceased 998 00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:53,080 # The least you could do is admit defeat 999 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:57,120 # But don't get mad and call us Aussies cheats 1000 00:47:57,160 --> 00:48:00,440 # If you've got an old grandpa 1001 00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:03,800 # And he walked really, really far 1002 00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:06,880 # Don't build an illegal spa 1003 00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:08,520 # Don't be a dick 1004 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:10,240 AUDIENCE: # Don't be a dick! 1005 00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:13,400 # As we come to the end of the year 1006 00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:17,040 # And 2024 is drawing near 1007 00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,200 # There are four words we all need to hear 1008 00:48:20,240 --> 00:48:21,880 # Don't be a dick 1009 00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:24,160 # Don't be a dick! # 1010 00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:26,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1011 00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:29,040 Thanks for watching The Last Leg. My name's Alex Brooker. 1012 00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,640 We will see you next week for the next leg. 1013 00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:35,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media