# What goes on
# Thank you for letting us be ourselves
# So don't mind me if I repeat myself
# These simple lines be good for your health
# To keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
# Live, love life like you just don't care
# 5,000 leaders never scared
# Bring the noise, it's the moment they fear
# Get up, still a beautiful idea
# Get up, throw your hands in the air
# Get up and show no fear... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Find out you got Covid, isolate at home
and leave the other two in charge.
It's Friday, we're live and it's time for The Last Leg.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on the show,
we zip through a testing week for the Prime Minister,
tie up COP28
and come face-to-face with the Dick of the Year winner.
Plus, we'll be joined by actor Joanna Lumley,
comedian Ahir Shah and musician James Blunt,
on the show that pushes all the right buttons.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING
Gidday!
Hello.
Gidday. I'm Adam Hills.
Welcome to The Last Leg, the show that, just like you,
was under the impression Covid was all gone now.
CHUCKLING Holding the fort in the studio, the pride of Dartmoor,
Josh Widdicombe and the man who is barely concealing his glee
that I'm not there, Alex Brooker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Before we go anywhere...
So, the big news is I've got Covid.
Someone just rang on my door. Did you guys order a Deliveroo for me?
Yes, we did, yeah. Yeah, we did!
OK. But you didn't, you didn't tell me the code,
so there's a guy at the front door who won't give me the food
until I tell him what the code is... LAUGHTER
We thought it'd be funny to order you some ribs
for about 20 minutes into the show,
then for the first time in history,
Deliveroo were too quick. LAUGHTER
And so, now, I had to shut the door cos the show was starting,
cos I was like, "Mate, I'm on..."
I couldn't explain...
OK... You're at home.
Just for the fun of it, I'm wearing boxer shorts.
LAUGHTER
My earpiece has just fallen out
and now there's a guy at the door
who won't give me Deliveroo because I don't know what the code is.
I'll be honest. I'm surprised we didn't win a Bafta as well.
It's all gone wrong already, guys. Keep talking while I plug my earpiece in. It's all right, mate.
We've been worried about you.
Honestly, I think this whole thing just kind of reminds you
just how vulnerable the elderly are at this time of year. It's... LAUGHTER
It's really...
LAUGHING: Are you... Ah-ah, this is just the worst day ever!
Aw... Have you dropped...
Hillsy has dropped his earpiece, so he can't hear us,
and I for one think that to do that means he's a total wanker.
Right. OK, I'm going to do this.
Are you back with us, granddad, are you all right?
You're on mute.
LAUGHTER
We've got, we should say for people at home,
that isn't Hillsy's body below him. Yeah.
No. We did that because without that body,
it looks like you're a murderer who's too dangerous
to be allowed in the courtroom.
I don't like the fact that the telly's
got better dexterity than me.
Right. Can you guys, can you guys carry on,
just for a second while I put my earpiece in? OK.
Oh, you're still, you still haven't got it in?
No.
This is the greatest start to a TV show in history.
Oh, wow, he's just....
There he is, he's very, he just... I think you can do it, Hillsy.
You've got Covid. Do this for the heroes of Covid -
Chris Whitty, Joe Wicks,
Captain Tom - not his daughter.
But, so, Hills, what we were just saying then,
can you hear us again now, can you hear us?
Nope. Nope, he can't.
Honestly, I think we should have just signed him up straightaway
to do that walk around the garden.
You said you wanted a Jacuzzi.
So, we did have, this has been planned for,
for the last 12 years. Yeah.
We've always had a contingency in case something happened, mate,
and you might not be able to make the show,
delayed flights into the country and whatnot,
so we have it here.
Here it is. It's just... No disrespect,
but it is gold and shiny because it is quite an exciting night.
So, yeah. So, it just says, "Break glass in case of emergency" there.
Fucking hell!
Calm down, Jack Nicholson! This isn't The Shining!
UPBEAT POP BEAT PLAYS JOSH HUMS ALONG
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Duh, duh, hey! #
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG MUSIC FADES
So, anyway, Hills, are you feeling all right, mate?
By the way, I don't know if anybody saw the geezer stack it there!
How are you doing, Hills?
INAUDIBLE LAUGHTER
You're on mute, mate!
JOSH AND ALEX: You're on mute.
There we go. All right.
Yeah. Yeah, here we are. You all right, mate?
Yeah, look, I've been feeling a bit rough this week.
Covid's still around, it's still a thing.
But it's also, I'm OK now.
I mean, you know, average.
But it's been nice, I've been retro all week,
I've been watching Tiger King, I've been baking banana bread.
Even banged saucepans out the front at 8:00.
The only thing I'm upset about is I was going to give you
your Christmas presents this week. Oh, yeah?
Aw. I feel bad. So I've sent them to the studio for you.
To the studio, from yours?
So, if the me below the screen can hand them over...
Oh, all right, yeah, we'll take them on, but... There you go.
..it's just... LAUGHTER
I'm just going to go for it.
I've had the jabs, fuck it, I'll be all right. Fuck that.
I've got enough problems.
Oh, look at that! Plymouth Argyle jigsaw!
1,000, oh, that's a genuinely nice present, thank you!
So happy. What have you got?
Oh, mate, that's amazing!
Sorry, I've got, my mask's still on.
I've got an NSYNC Merry Christmas cup!
Aw! Thank you, mate! APPLAUSE
Aw.
That'll be lovely once we've sanitised it.
Thank you so much, mate.
Thank you. They are lovely. Thank you very much, Hillsy.
Aw. We did get you the ribs... Oh, and Alex...
Yeah? Alex, just so you know, when you wash that,
don't put it in the dishwasher,
you have to wash it in the INSYNC.
LAUGHTER
Cheers, mate. Yeah.
And they are, we are live, as always,
so you can send us any questions you'd like us to answer.
I'm sure we'll get a tweet from the Deliveroo guy, going,
"Mate, just give me the code."
We're on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
Just use the hashtag #IsItOK.
For example, Toni Marie from lilyb_designs contacted us on Insta
with a design for a Christmas card inspired by Alex' double blades.
It say, "My love for you this Christmas
"is like Alex Brooker with blades -
"it grows, it's more rapid and leaves me wobbling."
Now... It's nice. I didn't know Alex had met Sandi Toksvig.
I didn't realise how much I look like a potato.
I felt a bit left out by that, so I came up with a design of my own
and I asked Toni Marie to make one up for me, so this is what she came up with.
It says, "That's not a stocking filler. THIS is a stocking filler."
Worryingly, with that, it looks like
you've just stolen someone else's leg.
Well, the thing is, that's exactly what I asked for.
I gave her a design and she came up with that
and I think she did a great job.
However, she also sent through this one as an alternative.
Can we zoom in on the candle?
Oh, thank God you said candle.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what. Once the wax starts going down,
that looks even worse, I tell you.
I'm just hoping it's not a scented candle.
So, our poll for tonight, we thought maybe a range
of Last Leg Christmas cards could be a goer,
so our poll for tonight is, "Suggest a message
"for a Last Leg Christmas card."
Tweet us @TheLastLeg, use the hashtag #LastLegmas...
Ooh, I've got one.
Yep? We could have one with, like, me and Josh or any of us
kissing underneath a leg and it could be,
"Kiss me under the MISSING TOE."
LAUGHTER
Or it could be me carving the turkey
and I say, "Anyone want a leg?"
And you both go "yes."
All right. Now, we are going to talk about The Dick of the Year in a bit
and show you what happened when we came face-to-face
with the winner earlier today,
but first let's get into the big story, the Prime Minister's week -
which is both a description of the last seven days
and the most commonly used phrase on Tory WhatsApp groups.
Everton Opinions said...
So, that completely sums up the quandary
that faced the Prime Minister on Tuesday
when he tried to convince his own MPs
to vote for the bill to send refugees to Rwanda.
The clowns to the left of him said they wouldn't back the bill
if it breached human rights laws,
the jokers to the right want changes made to strengthen the Rwanda bill.
I've heard that phrase so many times the last couple of weeks,
"Rwanda bill", I'm starting to think it's a person.
D'you know someone you get down the pub who's just like,
"Yeah, I reckon we should send them to Africa,"
it's like, "Fuck's sake, Bill, not this again.
"Every time it's your round you do this."
So, on Tuesday morning ministers were called to a breakfast
where Rishi Sunak tried to win over those MPs
who were opposed to the bill.
It was originally known as the smoked salmon offensive,
but was later downgraded to the bacon sandwich summit.
D'you know what? It's good to know the Government
are also making cuts to their own free meals.
Obviously as a vegetarian, I DO find smoked salmon offensive.
I think it sounds a bit like how you grade how bad somebody's breath is.
"Yeah, it's worse than garlic.
"I tell you what, that's a smoked salmon offensive, that is."
So, the bill was eventually passed by a majority of 44 votes,
with a lot of right-wing Tory MPs abstaining
rather than voting against it.
It'll now go off for more detailed scrutiny
and there'll be more votes on it in the new year.
Rishi's got between now and then to make it both more right-wing
and more centrist.
It's kind of like he and the party are in a failing marriage
and he's going, "No, no, no, I can change.
"Let's just get through Christmas."
Imagine if your New Year's resolution was to send 200 people to Rwanda.
Do you think there's a chance on Christmas night,
Rishi Sunak's going to be visited by three migrants?
And he's gonna wake up, open the windows and go,
"Open the borders!"
Maybe that's our best hope for all of this,
is that it is like a New Year's resolution -
about three days into January he just fucks it off, he's like,
"Look, I ain't gonna do the Couch to 5K,
"I'm not gonna send them back to Rwanda.
Let's just have fun with it."
The Prime Minister's situation was summed up by The Guardian
and The Daily Mail,
who even used the same phrase of "for now."
Here are the two damning front pages right there.
You know what? No sentence has ever been strengthened
by adding the words "for now" at the end of it.
"In sickness and in health,
"till death do us part -
"for now."
"The test results are back and I'm pleased to say you'll live -
"for now."
"The allegations are pending, so you can still do your show on Rumble -
"for now."
Home Secretary James Cleverly called it "a Goldilocks deal"
cos it needs to be tough enough to keep the right-wing Tories onboard,
but not so tough that Rwanda leaves the deal entirely.
Oh. I thought it was called the Goldilocks deal
because it was as likely to happen as bears making porridge.
Honestly, how? How would they? I struggle with these paws.
See, I'm not sure, I'm not sure if it's called a Goldilocks deal
because Boris Johnson started it or because refugees will be lucky
to get a bed AND some porridge.
Some reports suggested that on top of the £290 million
we've already spent,
it's still gonna cost an extra £169,000 per refugee.
This whole scheme could end up costing half a billion pounds
for a policy the Home Secretary allegedly thinks is...
JOSH VOICEOVER: Batshit.
Nice work, other me. Well done.
Give yourself a thumbs up.
I, I can't believe your hands work.
No offence. Yeah, it's all right,
it's not something that's uttered on this show much, but yeah.
No, I, don't doubt me, Josh, don't doubt me.
Here you go, have one finger.
Look. There are so many charges being added onto this Rwanda bill,
it kinda feels like they've done the deal with Ryanair.
This is the thing. They think it's costing them a lot now.
Imagine how much it'll cost
if anybody forgets to print off their boarding pass.
And the mad thing is while all this was going on on Tuesday,
around 150 children crammed into the members' dining room of Parliament
for face painting, balloon animals and other festive fun.
I mean... Yeah. Go on.
Well, I'll just say it, I'm not a conspiracy theorist,
but you book one Peppa Pig
and suddenly David Cameron's Foreign Secretary.
That's a tough gig for the magician, isn't it, with Tory MPs going,
"So can you make any migrants disappear?"
But, so, I love the fact about it is the face painting -
there was face painting going on downstairs -
and there was actually quite a lot of people
that abstained from the vote upstairs
and I reckon that some of them have forgotten
that they were meant to be doing the vote
and they've gone, "Oh, fuck, I can't do it now
I look like a tiger, can I?"
And look, things aren't going to get much better for the Prime Minister.
One of Rishi Sunak's foes was quoted in The Mail on Sunday as saying
they were planning a, quote, "Advent calendar of shit
"to destabilise him in the New Year."
What is an advent calendar of shit?
Is it like...
# Five massive turds!
# Four little logs, three tiny pellets
# Two small squirts and a skidmark down a pear tree. #
You know what, Hills?
You were wrong at the start of the show. I DO miss you.
On top of all this,
the Prime Minister faced the Covid inquiry on Monday,
where he managed to not remember or recall events around 20 times.
Here are the damning highlights.
No, I, I don't recall either of those conversations
that you refer to.
I don't recall anyone in my office.
I'm not familiar with that document.
I don't, I don't know or recollect.
I don't remember the specific analysis.
Or I don't remember there being enormous challenge
of those assumptions.
I don't remember the degree of scrutiny over those assumptions.
I don't remember those precise conversations.
They may well have happened.
Yes. Now, I don't recall the precise timing and the date.
I don't recall, other than explaining to him
the stress that we were under.
I don't recall a specific meeting or conversation about those two things.
I don't remember specifically. QUESTIONER: All right.
I can't comment on the particular meeting because I don't recall it.
Again, I don't have a perfect recollection.
I don't precisely remember that.
Oh, my God.
D'you know what? Considering the week he's just had,
maybe it's a good thing he's got a bad memory.
His aides are like, "Aw, d'you remember on Monday
when no-one voted for you?"
He's like, "What? No, I don't..."
It's basically Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates.
I think... Sorry. Carry on, mate.
Well, while one poll this week showed 46% of voters
think Keir Starmer is doing badly,
another poll was released that showed just how low
the Prime Minister's approval rating has sunk.
This graph starkly demonstrates the comparison
between the last three Prime Ministers.
What... How d'you, like,
how d'you end up in, like, minus popularity?
Is that, like, even if your own mum hates you?
What's your favourite one of them, Hillsy?
I know you've got a favourite one on that graph.
I mean, Liz Truss' isn't even a graph, it's a cliff.
My favourite bit of the Liz Truss
is the halfway down when she goes back up,
as if at that point she went,
"I'm turning this round."
That was the day she had off.
And look, while all this was happening this week,
Vince said...
So, the Government decided to celebrate Disability History Month
making the minister for disability history.
Now, we've been trying to get to the bottom of this all week.
Last Friday we told you there was no Minister for Disabled People
after Tom Pursglove was moved on.
We then contacted the Government
to find out if there would be a new minister.
On Wednesday they assured us the position was not being scrapped.
On Thursday it was reported that the Minister for Disabled People
would not be replaced.
Then later on Thursday the Government emailed us
to say that Mims Davies has been named
Parliamentary Under-Secretary for people with disabilities.
But that's not the same as being a minister.
There's a common sense tsar
whose job it is to battle the scourge of wokery,
but there's no dedicated minister for disabled people.
That basically says to disabled people,
we're not as important to the Government
as the fight against gender neutral toilets.
Um, just listening to that,
I mean, the first thing I think is
I'm so glad that my name isn't Mims
cos I'd have definitely been called LIMBS Brookers at school
and that would've been terrible.
But look, look, this is what it comes down to,
is that there's 16 million people
in this country that are disabled.
So that's about 24% of the country is disabled.
And so, you're literally, that's a quarter of the population
that aren't even deemed worthy of being represented by a minister.
I just think now,
I used to get an inkling that they didn't really like disabled people.
But now, they, it's not even that they don't like us.
They literally couldn't give a fuck about us.
And I think that's quite scary.
I genuinely do. I think it's absolutely terrible.
For example, you wouldn't, like, get rid of a football manager
and go, "Fuck it, we'll just let the ballboy do it."
D'you know what I mean? I just think they couldn't give a shit.
It's really, it is a bit worrying, mate. Yep.
And all this has come in the week that the Covid inquiry
found that 60% of Covid deaths were among people with disabilities.
I mean, I don't know about you guys,
but I'm feeling very vulnerable right now.
Aw, no. And obviously there's the old bit as well, so it's like oof!
It don't rain, it pours.
Oh, no, and now that stuff with you muting yourself and all that,
actually I feel really sad.
Look. Not only do we think
there should be a dedicated Minister for Disabled People,
but Alex and I reckon we should be the ones doing the job.
Big-time. So we're going to give our pitches now.
In fact, let me just put on my rosette.
Lovely work. Lovely work.
OK, here we go.
Actually, d'you know what?
I'm just gonna relax and put my hands behind my head for a second.
There we go.
Ah, no, I'll put them back down.
OK, here's my pitch.
Itch your nose, Hillsy.
Scratch my nose? Yeah.
Oop.
All right, here's my pitch, the bid.
Right. ADAM CLEARS THROAT
MUSIC: Jerusalem by Sir Hubert Parry Hi. I'm Adam and I want
to be your Minister for Disabilities.
Sure, I'm not British.
But I did correctly answer almost half of the questions
on my residency exam.
If elected, I pledge to reform Pip,
but as an Australian my main reform will be to call it Pippo.
I also want to ensure every person in the UK gets a prosthetic leg,
whether they need it or not.
And to show you how seriously I'm taking the job,
I'll even rename myself - cos hills are inaccessible.
So I'm changing my name to Adam Ramps.
Make me your Minister for Disabilities
and I'll wear it like a blue badge of honour.
BRASS BAND MUSIC SWELLS To paraphrase George Orwell,
two legs, good, one leg, better.
MUSIC CRESCENDOS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. I think I've got a tear in my eye.
Aw, mate.
Got a tear in my eye.
Yeah.
There we go.
Well... OK, Alex, your turn.
Yeah. Well, sadly, I'm not even able to put a rosette on myself,
but you managed to get a fake body to do it for you.
I can't reach my right tit.
Anyway, so, look, I could tell you how amazing I am.
Of course I could. But d'you know what?
I just think that it's better to hear it from other people,
so I have got a collection of some of the most influential
and powerful people in the UK
to tell you why I should be the next Disabilities Minister.
Hi, I'm David Seaman.
And if you want a safe pair of hands in Government,
it's got to be Alex Brooker.
What a guy!
Alex Brooker is definitely my guy for Disabilities Minister.
First policy, supplement your benefits for a two-for-one voucher
at Ocean Beach, Ibiza.
And I'm sure we will see it's not just the disabled
or Alex that gets legless.
This is Simon Webbe from Blue
and I just want to send this message
to say that we support Alex Brooker for Disabilities Minister
and when he gets in, we will change our name from Blue
to Blue Badge. DOOR THUNKS
That's just the wife getting in the car. CHUCKLING
# All rise. #
There you go.
I think we've done well there.
It's a tough choice between you two, but I knew you were doing this,
so I thought, "Actually, look at the disability ministers,
"look what they've done for the last ten years.
"I'm the guy for it."
I've had a video made.
This genuinely, I think, is gonna get me the job.
PATRIOTIC BRASS BAND TUNE PLAYS My name's Josh Widdicombe
and I'm the ideal candidate to be the new Tory Minister for Disabilities.
I have a proud history of making sure disabled people
don't get above their station.
I always make sure they're fully aware
just how annoying they can be...
Bit more respect from you two in future.
Otherwise it won't just be your feet that are chopped off.
..and I have an innovative approach to the Pip assessments.
You are here to compete for your disability benefits.
Josh, is that you?
No, it's not me. Or him.
And I'm not afraid to tell disabled people exactly what I think of them.
It absolutely reeks!
And, most crucially,
I can spot a faker a mile off.
Unfortunately for you, you've proven yourself fit to work,
so, uh, I'll have that, thank you very much.
So choose me as your new Minister for Disabilities
cos let's face it. I can't be as bad as the last one, whoever that was.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right. Now, we're gonna bring our guests out,
but at this point I'm gonna hand the show over to Alex and Josh
because the three of us, I can keep in control,
but with guests on set there's no way
I'm gonna be able to hear and connect with everyone.
So take it away, you guys, you're in charge for the rest of the show.
Here we go. OK, so we're gonna bring on the guests.
Say it together? Yeah, ready? OK.
All right. BOTH HESITANTLY: Let's welcome...
Are we doing... Do that again.
So we're doing it, yeah, ready?
Right. BOTH: All right. Let's welcome...
No, we'll do it one word each. Shut up! We were doing it well.
We'll do one word each. Ready? One word each. All right.
Let's... welcome... tonight's...
..guests... guests. Please... What the fuck are you doing?
Right, fucking hell.
Right. You do it.
OK, then, all right. All right.
Let's welcome tonight's guests.
One is fabulous, one thinks you're beautiful
and the other is king of the Edinburgh Festival.
Please welcome Joanna Lumley, James Blunt and Ahir Shah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you so much for joining us.
Joanna, how do you think Rishi Sunak's doing at the moment?
Well, it was tragic, wasn't it?
I mean, I think that when these things are compiled,
it just gives you a glance of the true man.
I think he's a sweet man, but I think he can't remember,
so this isn't the person we want as Prime Minister.
Ahir, how do you think it's all going?
I mean, fundamentally I think that it sort of gets lost
that no-one voted for any of this at any stage,
and that's quite overwhelming occasionally and so, yeah,
as it stands, listen, politically furious, racially thrilled.
Couldn't be happier for him and his family,
increasingly worried about mine.
Basically how I used to feel every time I saw Suella auntie
on the television.
Hmm? Calm down, Suella auntie, you're going to get us both killed.
And James, now, you've had, speaking of Prime Ministers,
you've had some run-ins with Boris Johnson, haven't you?
I have, a few along the way.
I met him in Kosovo when I was at the head of 30,000 people,
we had a Serb tank pointing at us and a floppy-haired man
with blond hair came and asked us the cricket scores.
That was really useful, in times of pressure.
And he's written, he wrote, when I was my most unpopular,
he wrote an article saying I was "indescribably wet."
My mother then wrote him an email saying, "What an arsehole"...
Aw. And we've had some other, actually,
really interesting moments.
After the general election when he was elected,
I found myself in a room with just George Osbourne and the Camerons
and I found myself in a corner, literally no-one else in the room
and Boris, he was thrilled to see me - "Blunty," he said,
"So good to see you. How's your mother?"
And then he said... I wouldn't want him asking me that.
Then he turned round to Osbourne and myself in a corner
and confided in us, and he said,
"What the fuck do I do now?"
Which was kind of worrying,
as it was the first day he was Prime Minister.
That's really set the tone. Josh.
At least he didn't have a big disaster on his plate swiftly after.
What you got for us?
Well, it's very exciting now.
It's time now for the award of our annual prize
for dickery! GASPING
MUSIC: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Edwards Pola and George Wyle
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
Past winners have included
Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin
and Nigel Farage.
Now, normally Adam would run this ceremony,
but since he can't be here, we've called in our Adam Hills tribute act.
Take it away, Not Adam Hills!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# It's the most wonderful dicks
# Of the year... Ding-dong, ding-dong
# We're here with James Blunt
# To see who's been a c-dick... #
LAUGHTER # And give them a cheer!
# It's the most wonderful dicks
# Of the year! #
CHEERING Yes! It's the moment you've all been waiting for!
It's the 2023 Dickies.
But before we get to the tip, let's give out a couple of sacks.
James, please do the first award.
The first award of the night goes to the third place nominee,
The Left Ballbag goes to...
..Elon Musk.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Last year he was second.
This year he's come third!
That's right. Elon Musk has been devalued as quickly as Twitter.
For services to online hate speech,
conspiracy theories and misinformation,
Elon Musk is having a ball!
Joanna, would you like to present the next award?
Yes. The second placed ball bag goes to
the managing director of the Premier League,
Richard Masters!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
For docking Everton ten points for financial breaches,
Richard Masters has been voted The Second Biggest Dick of the Year.
In many ways, this has been a win for Everton fans -
and that's not something you can say very often.
Ahir, would you do the final honour, please, my friend?
The Dick of the Year for 2023 is... DRUMROLL
..former Home Secretary Suella Braverman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
As voted for by you, the tofu-eating wokerati!
Somehow combining both a triumph of diversity at the top of politics
with policies of borderline racism, it's Suella Braverman!
SCATTERED APPLAUSE No?
LAUGHTER Says it all. We attempted to deliver her award this morning,
and it's worth a watch later to see how we got on,
but for now, Suella Braverman is...
# The most wonderful dick
# Of the year... Ding-dong, ding-dong
# Criticised the police, demonised refugees... #
AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME # Said we don't want them here... Ba-da-da...
# She's the most wonderful dick
# Of the year! Ding-dong, ding-dong... #
We'll have more Last Leg for you after...
# Of the year! # ..as we celebrate our Dick of the Year
winner in person.
Plus, we want to know what's a good message...
# Of the year! # ..for a Last Leg Christmas card.
LAUGHTER Tweet us and hashtag it.
We'll see you soon! # Of the year! Of the year! # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
G'day and welcome back to The Last Leg. ALEX LAUGHS
We're still joined by Joanna Lumley, Ahir Shah and James Blunt,
and, I'm delighted to say, not Adam Hills.
Bit of fun, Hillsy! How are you doing at home?
The ribs have arrived!
CHEERING
What are we doing with our careers?
Now, James, exciting - you've got a book out.
Here we go, Alex has got it here. Yes, that's... That's why I'm here.
Loosely Based On A Made-Up Story.
And this isn't a normal memoir, is it?
Well, I was just worried about legal repercussions,
and so that's why I've called it Loosely Based On A Made-Up Story.
It is in fact all true.
But as long as we don't tell anyone then we'll be fine.
It contains the single greatest line to a book, ever.
Let's hear the audio version of the first 22 seconds
of the greatest opening to a book of all time.
I am a one-hit wonder. I know this
because when I walk down the street, strangers call out,
"Hey, James! You're beautiful."
I try to act all blase and say, "Ha! I know what you did there,"
but really I'm thinking, c...BLEEP!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Enough of this, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"...
It was the best of.. No, we can't say it!
Also, you've got a documentary out. Is that about being a potty mouth?
Yeah, it is. It's a kind of similar thing of,
they show life as a wannabe rock star
who's ended up as a minor pop star instead.
Well, let's see a clip. So it's all painful viewing.
This is exactly what we want to capture.
The loneliness of touring. Exactly.
So Valentine's Day on the Isle of Man.
Yeah, but it's you and me.
How romantic.
Goodness gracious me! Hello, how are you?
I'm good, thank you. So glad to meet you. Nice to meet you.
How are you doing? Good. I can't believe it.
Well, thank you. Are you coming tonight?
Um, no, sorry. No? Oh, well, I'll miss you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
James Blunt: One Brit Wonder is available for purchase or rent
from Friday 22nd December.
Now, we've promised you something very exciting,
which is how we tried to announce
the Dick of the Year to Suella Braverman.
Two men who've been spending their day doing this very important work,
honouring the Dick of the Year in person,
please welcome Josh Pieters and Archie Manners!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Hello.
How are you doing? Good to see you. You all right? Good to see you.
It's like Madame Tussauds in here. It's the real Joanna Lumley!
LAUGHTER
But not Adam Hills! Most crucially.
Now, you've got a history of making life difficult for awful people.
You've met Katie Hopkins. How did that go?
Well, look, Katie is a very special person.
So we thought we should fly her to Prague
and give her a very special award,
which was the Campaign to Unify the Nation Trophy.
Now, if you...if you're good with acronyms,
like I can see you are...
There was a major problem, though,
because unfortunately, I'm not very good with font sizes,
so when we put the Campaign to Unify the Nation Trophy behind her
in an image... Well, shall we have a look? Well, yeah, have a see.
It was a terrible mistake, really.
LAUGHTER
I can't explain why that's funny. But...
Anyway... It was so, so stupid of you.
I don't know what happened there. But anyway, she's actually, yeah,
she won a very special award.
And part of this was the reason why we wanted you
to present Suella, honour her as Dick of the Year.
So how did you originally aim to get in touch with her?
Well, what we do is we kind of try and approach people
in lots of different ways. So I approached Suella,
or Cruella, as I call her,
19 different ways, from 19 different personalities
with 19 different companies.
One, I said I'd got a major problem with the NHS
and I was told she would see me
in March 2024,
which, if you've got a major problem with the NHS, isn't that vibey.
It might well be too late by then.
And I then said, "Well..." From another company,
"Would you come and launch a small boat for a local company?
"And there'll be photographers down there."
And she said, "Yeah, sure, fuck it, I'll see you on Friday."
And that was today. Well, let's see how you got on.
We're in the heart of Suella Braverman's Fareham constituency.
And at 12:15 tomorrow, we'll be meeting her in person
to formally declare her as 2023's Dick of the Year.
But how did we get here?
Well, it started with Archie sending her a very important email.
From a completely fake company called Fareham Fishing
inviting her to launch a new small boat, the Betty Warren,
which she was delighted to accept.
ON PHONE: I've had an email from one of Suella's people.
She'd love to launch the boat.
You're telling me the lady
who's put her life work into stopping the small boats
is now going to be launching her own small boat?
LAUGHTER If you want to put it that way, yes.
That's sort of exactly what's going to happen, yes.
We're at Fareham Marina and the stage is set.
The nation's biggest dick is about to come.
That's wrong. She's about to arrive.
And, just a few minutes late,
the former Home Secretary arrived to be shafted.
Hi, everyone. Hello. How are you doing?
Hi, lovely to meet you.
Thank you so much for coming down. Good to see you.
If you just stand behind.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the launch of the Betty Warren.
We're really proud to have Suella Braverman here to launch here. Absolutely.
My name is Captain John Guy and I'm beyond delighted
to welcome our local MP
and much missed former Home Secretary Suella Braverman KC MP.
APPLAUSE
It is testament to Suella's dedication as a local MP
that she has taken the time to christen this small boat.
With her huge engine, sleek exterior
but strong, firm and steady tiller, she is just perfect.
And that's just Suella!
LAUGHTER
Although it may just be a small boat,
it will have a big impact on the local maritime community.
So without further ado, to launch Fareham Fishing's newest vessel,
please welcome our very own right honourable member,
Suella Braverman.
Hear, hear!
John, Fareham Fishing, it's a real honour.
A real honour to be here to join your fantastic team,
to pay tribute to all of you for your confidence in Fareham.
Good luck to the Betty Warren.
My honour to launch her.
Hey!
STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS
You are also The Last Leg's Dick of the Year!
By popular vote.
Brilliant. Thank you so much. Fantastic. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And, very quickly, once the cameras stopped rolling, how was it?
It was pretty wild, one of her voters saw it was going on,
went up to one of our hidden microphones, picked it up
and said, "I know you can hear me,"
and then threw it into the water.
It might be on Channel 4's YouTube later next week
if the lawyers allow us to do it.
Incredible work. Ladies and gentlemen, Josh and Archie!
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break
as Alex takes the reins. Plus, we want to know -
what's a good message for the Last Leg Christmas card?
Tweet us @TheLastLeg and hashtag it #LastLegmas. See you soon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to The Last Leg.
We're joined by Joanna Lumley, Ahir Shah and James Blunt.
And for this part, ladies and gentlemen, I'm in charge!
CHEERING
# Everybody
# Rock your body right
# Backstreet's back
# All right. #
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH SONG
Well, it's my part, so everybody's got a drink.
Hills, you've got a Lemsip...
Oh, no, you've got ribs. You're just tucking into the ribs, ain't ya?
Yeah. Oh, mate, you're like me normally in part three,
just absolutely switched off already!
Right, let's crack on with the big news of the week
and astronaut Frank Rubio has been exonerated
after being accused of eating...
Sorry, I'm putting my arm on the sofa like I'm on The One Show.
..has been... LAUGHTER
..has been exonerated... We're going to be
the next Holly and Phil, we know that!
We skipped the queue at Alton Towers, didn't we? We did!
Anyway, so, astronaut Frank Rubio has been exonerated
after being accused of eating the first-ever tomato grown in space.
Now, this controversy has very much been
the Wagatha Christie of the space world,
with NASA accusing Rubio in a social media post which said,
"It was.....
"..in Frank Rubio's BLT."
So basically, poor old Frank Rubio, so what's happened is,
He's been on the International Space Station for a year,
growing this tomato plant.
It's gone missing and he's been accused of eating it.
It's now turned up, unsurprisingly, on the International Space Station,
and I assume in the salad drawer, so...
What do we reckon?
Are you...are you guys...?
I've followed that really closely. Have you?
I knew he hadn't eaten it or stolen it.
I knew it had floated away,
cos we've seen films. They float away!
Oh, stuff's always...
I thought, I was the same as you, I was like, that's...
It floats, shit floats in space, doesn't it? That's...
They found it when, on re-entry, it was just grilled.
Right, it would be nice to move on
so we've sadly got to move on to some sombre news now.
So, look, after the last...over the last 11 years
we have seen some really inspirational stuff on The Last Leg,
but I'm going to be honest with you, I saw a touching clip this week
that really made me really emotional. Um...
Here's former England striker
talking about his bravery as a child.
You know, everything was a challenge.
I'd eat an apple, you know, watching the TV at night
and the bin would be by the TV, you know,
six metres away or whatever it was. Did you get it in?
And, well, I would just do it. I had the bravery to miss
and for there to be a stain on the wallpaper
and for my mum to absolutely scream at me and send me upstairs.
I wasn't cocky at all, but the next day I'd do the same
and I'd be, boom, and it'd go right in the middle,
and my dad would give me a nod of approval,
and my mum would be seething.
WHISPERS: Which cam?
LAUGHTER
So, once I had finished crying
that gave me an idea for a game. Um...
LAUGHTER
You can see where this is going.
This will test whether you are as brave as Michael Owen
when it comes to chucking away your organic waste.
Everyone can play this, including you at home,
and I'm looking at you, Hills!
Welcome to Apple In A Bucket!
# Apple in a bucket Apple in a bucket
# You're loving it Loving it, loving it
# You're loving it like that! #
So, welcome... Come on, I'm Not Adam Hills. Join us.
Welcome to Apple In A Bucket.
It says here that I've got to explain the rules to you.
It's fairly simple. Basically, we're all going to try
and lob an apple in the bucket that is over there.
Joanna, I'm so... I know you've done Absolutely Fabulous,
and this is absolutely shit, so I really apologise. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
But, look, we're going to start... I can't see, where's the bucket?
The bucket's behind that chair over there. Where?!
Yeah, it's, like, all the way over there. That's...
This is what Michael Owen had to go through.
I just wanted us to experience this.
I'm Not Adam Hills, when he takes this away,
we're going to go. Go for it!
# Apple in a bucket Apple in a bucket
# We're loving it, loving it Loving it
# We're loving it like that! # Oh!
# Apple in a bucket. #
Oh! Oh!
# We're loving it like that... #
THEY SHOUT
Right, um...
LAUGHTER
We...we'll have more...
LAUGHTER
We'll have more Last Leg for you after the break,
as we try to work out whose idea Apple In A Bucket was,
and a special guest sings us out.
We'll see you in a bit!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
G'day and welcome back to The Last Leg,
where we're joined by Joanna Lumley,
Ahir Shah, James Blunt, Josh and Archie,
and an AI version of Adam Hills.
Normally I'm given the very important and tricky job
of playing funny animal clips at the end of the show.
But seeing as Adam didn't wash his hands after going on the Tube,
we've been forced to swap roles,
so it's time to see if he can pull it off. Adam,
you've been taking a lateral flow to the week,
so what have you got for us?
IMITATING JOSH: Would you like to see...
LAUGHTER
AS HIMSELF: Would you like to see a cute baby
displaying his love of some funky music?
Yes, please.
MUSIC: instrumental intro to The Next Episode by Dr Dre
BABY LAUGHS
RIFF PLAYS
LAUGHTER
# Snoop Dogg!
# Da, da, da, da, da
# You know I'm mobbin' with the DRE... #
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's like Alex at 2am!
LAUGHTER
Would you like to see an unathletic toddler
trying to emulate some impressive gymnastics?
Yeah.
Go.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's like Alex at 3am!
Sorry, I got a Twiglet stuck in my throat!
Would you like to see a visibly tipsy woman get a surprise
from an overly sensitive sofa bed?
Yes, please. Yeah.
CAMERAWOMAN MUTTERS: Oh, she's a good egg, mate,
getting me my bed, isn't she?
With the, um...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh...
It's like Alex at 4am.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
All right, we asked you for a message for a Last Leg Christmas card.
Warren said, "We wish you a hoppy Christmas."
Andy said, "Last Christmas I gave you my blades
"but the very next day, you gave them away."
Crispin said, "Limp into Christmas."
And Dan said, "I don't want a lot for Christmas.
"There's just one leg I need."
Right, we're about to end the show
with a song about other dicks from the year
but before we do, would you please thank our guests?
Joanna Lumley!
Ahir Shah!
James Blunt!
Josh and Archie!
And my co-hosts Josh Widdicombe
and Adam Hills!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll be back next week for our Christmas special
with fabulous guests Alison Hammond and Tom Davis
and I'll be singing with my childhood hero.
Now, Hills, I know you'd normally be here with us to sing us out,
but would you like to introduce the end of the show song, please, mate?
I would, Alex. Look, we've been doing
the Dick of the Year awards for ten years now, and do you know what?
People just keep being dicks.
So we thought maybe we need to remind people not to be.
So we're going to end the show with Not Adam Hills
to sing us a lovely reminder.
APPLAUSE
# As we put the year to bed
# And we take some time to look ahead
# Just remember what I've said
# Don't be a dick
AUDIENCE: # Don't be a dick!
# Now when you watch TV
# There ain't no need to tweet
# Enjoy the football and let women do their job in peace
# Joey Barton, we are aimin' this at you, yeah
# Mm
# If you got refugees
# And they are tryna flee
# Don't take down M I C K E Y M O U S E
# Robert Jenrick We're aimin' this at you, ooh
# Oh
# Before you leave your crease
# Just make sure that play has really ceased
# The least you could do is admit defeat
# But don't get mad and call us Aussies cheats
# If you've got an old grandpa
# And he walked really, really far
# Don't build an illegal spa
# Don't be a dick
AUDIENCE: # Don't be a dick!
# As we come to the end of the year
# And 2024 is drawing near
# There are four words we all need to hear
# Don't be a dick
# Don't be a dick! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching The Last Leg. My name's Alex Brooker.
We will see you next week for the next leg.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media