1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,470
- Hey, buddy, big day.
- [moans] No.

2
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,263
- Big premiere day.
- Stop.

3
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,724
<i>Secretariat </i>in theaters now.

4
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,309
- How exciting.
- Please stop.

5
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:18,977
People are seeing your movie,

6
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:23,232
forming opinions, judging you,
all over the country.

7
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:26,485
- What are you doing?
- Or not. Maybe nobody's seeing it.

8
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,238
Wouldn't it be weird
if literally nobody saw your movie?

9
00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:30,906
How do I get out of this conversation?

10
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:35,494
Just think: by this time tomorrow,
we'll know if it's a hit or a flop.

11
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,788
The air crackles with possibilities.

12
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,541
- Oh, good lord. [groaning]
- Uh-oh.

13
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:44,336
It's all over. My career is gone.

14
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,505
I'm sure it's going to be fine.

15
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:50,133
Wasn't <i>Secretariat </i>a big hit
at the Pacific Ocean Film Festival?

16
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,427
Critics called it,
"Gurgle glub glub blub blub."

17
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,137
Festivals don't matter, Todd.

18
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,515
It's so you can get some leaves
on your poster.

19
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,433
But this is the real world now.

20
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,018
If this doesn't hit big this weekend--

21
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:02,938
- It's-- Oh! Oh, God. [gasps]
- Oh, no!

22
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:05,315
BoJack, it's gonna be okay.

23
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,818
- [phone ringing]
- [gasps and moans]

24
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,696
BoJack, the East Coast box office is in.

25
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:14,157
<i>Secretariat </i>is, wait for it...

26
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:16,910
- a huge success!
- Why would you make me wait for it?

27
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,996
That was a terrible time
for a "wait for it."

28
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,706
Do you know what this means?

29
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,959
You're no longer just some TV actor
they threw into a movie,

30
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:27,546
<i>you're a bona fide movie...</i>
<i>wait for it, star.</i>

31
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:30,549
BoJack, how do you feel?

32
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,427
Awesome.

33
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,053
[funky electronic music]

34
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:41,810
<i>♪♪</i>

35
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:33,153
We defy odds,
we face challenges with valor,

36
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,030
and we never give in.

37
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,616
For those reasons, and many more,

38
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:42,079
our love is like the team
that inspired the movie <i>Cool Runnings.</i>

39
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,248
If I may borrow
that film's promotional tag line,

40
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,709
"Jamaican Bobsledders?"

41
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,462
That's right, Diane.
"Jamaican bobsledders."

42
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,214
Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter.

43
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:55,675
Thank <i>you,</i> Dr. Janet,
for Jamaican me open up like that.

44
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,844
That took up most of the hour,

45
00:02:57,928 --> 00:03:01,056
but we do still have a little time
to hear from Diane.

46
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:06,478
Mr. Peanutbutter, I think you are great.

47
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,980
- Is that all?
- I'm sorry.

48
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:12,901
I'm not always good at using words
to describe emotions.

49
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,027
Aren't you a writer?

50
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:18,573
Writer/social media coordinator/
director of New Media Outreach.

51
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:19,491
- [alarm blaring]
- Aah!

52
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:24,037
That gentle sound tells us the sun has set
on our time together this week.

53
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:28,792
But I remind you
of the importance of communication.

54
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,919
It's the very blade of the bobsled.

55
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:33,505
I'm not singling out either one of you,

56
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,341
but I think for the next time,
some people here

57
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:40,887
might want to work on putting
their thoughts and feelings into words,

58
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,597
as a writer does.

59
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,099
- Mmm?
- Mm-mmm.

60
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:46,059
- Ah.
- [sighs]

61
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,564
I settled on a company dental plan.

62
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,150
It's called, "The tooth, the whole tooth,
and nothing but the tooth."

63
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,069
- Seemed comprehensive.
- Not "tooth" shabby, Judah.

64
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:58,155
- [laughing]
- Yes.

65
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,657
I also wanted to talk to you,
if this is a good time,

66
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,410
and it is, because you have exactly
nine minutes before your meeting

67
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,079
on <i>Captain Hooker 2:</i>
<i>Yo Ho Ho Ho and A Bottle Of Booty.</i>

68
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,330
Yeah, what's up?

69
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:10,375
I've taken on duties beyond the scope
of my original contract.

70
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,170
- I think I've proven my worth.
- Are you asking for a raise?

71
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,590
A more elegant solution might involve
an ownership position in the company.

72
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,425
I thought I'd ask for 15 percent stake,

73
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,343
you'd counter with five,
we'd settle on ten.

74
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,637
- Well, then, it's settled.
- I'll draw up the paperwork.

75
00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,765
Speaking of paper,
Piper Perabo and Pauley Perrette

76
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:27,309
need to push back the pitch on
the <i>Princess and the Pauper </i>project.

77
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,186
- You have a night off tonight.
- A night off?

78
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,854
- When's the last time that happened?
- It hasn't.

79
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,899
- Can I help you with anything else?
- Get me a date for tonight.

80
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,150
Make that three dates.

81
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,360
Who knows when I'll get another night off?

82
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,237
I do. And you won't.

83
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,697
[sighs]

84
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,202
Excuse me, my good man.

85
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,454
My movie, starring me,
the movie star, just opened.

86
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,581
We'd like to sit at the bar.
Drinks on the house.

87
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:52,709
Of course, Mr. Horseman.
Right away, Mr. Horseman.

88
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:53,794
[clears throat]

89
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:57,714
Mr. Sutherland, I'm going to have
to ask you to give up your seat

90
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,091
for a movie star and his companion.

91
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,052
- Yeah. Beat it, Kiefer.
- [scoffs]

92
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,140
Wow!

93
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:11,436
- They love you here.
- Everybody loves a movie star, Todd.

94
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,147
I'm gonna get a lot of love.
I want you by my side,

95
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,150
soaking up the spillover
and feasting on my discarded leftovers.

96
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,735
Sounds great, Boj.

97
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,530
Tonight, we're riding
a rocket straight into the sun.

98
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,866
You won't get left on the launchpad
just because nobody knows your name.

99
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,702
- Todd? Todd Chavez?
- I think you mean BoJack.

100
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,204
- BoJack Horseman.
- Emily.

101
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,998
No, BoJack. Why do people keep
saying names that aren't my name?

102
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:35,877
I haven't seen you since high school.
You look great. I love the hat.

103
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,879
Thanks. What brings you here?

104
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:41,841
My dumb best friend's getting married,
so I'm here for the rehearsal dinner.

105
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,844
Why is everybody not talking about me
for a moment? This is concerning.

106
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:47,472
- Oh, my God. You're BoJack Horseman.
- Yeah, duh.

107
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:51,601
I loved <i>The BoJack Horseman Show.</i>
That is, like, my favorite show.

108
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,271
- You mean <i>Horsin' Around?</i>
- No, <i>The BoJack Horseman Show.</i>

109
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,398
It was so dumb. It was the best.

110
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,441
- Thank you?
- I mean, it was the worst.

111
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,194
- But that's what made it so good.
- Yeah, I got it.

112
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:04,281
I was laughing at it
because it was so bad, do you understand?

113
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,992
- You're being very clear.
- I feel like I'm not articulating.

114
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,995
My enjoyment didn't come
from a place of sincere admiration.

115
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:13,456
It was more like,
"What an ill-conceived television show.

116
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,793
Who made those terrible choices?
I can't stop watching."

117
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,003
You don't have to keep--

118
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,005
Anyway, I'm pretty much in love with you.

119
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,674
Thanks. I love you.
By which I mean, you're terrible.

120
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,176
I should get back
to this stupid rehearsal dinner.

121
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,095
Todd, it was really great to see you.

122
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,014
Wait, did you say there's a wedding?

123
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:32,809
- I said "rehearsal dinner," but--
- Whoa! We gotta crash that.

124
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,270
Boring regular people love it
when movie stars show up

125
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,313
and drink their alcohol.

126
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,231
They jizz their pants for that shit.

127
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:41,359
- I don't know, BoJack.
- I'm sorry, Todd. Are you a movie star?

128
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:45,739
I did narrate a Mazda commercial.
Funny story how that came together.

129
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,742
This is not the time for one
of your weird stories that go nowhere.

130
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:52,579
- We've got a wedding to crash.
- It's a rehearsal dinner.

131
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,626
It just doesn't come easy for me,
like it does for you.

132
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:01,087
Communication is a process.
That's why we're going to Dr. Janet.

133
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,923
- That, and there was a Groupon.
- You had a model growing up.

134
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:07,302
You had a house filled with love,
parents who said nice things to you,

135
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:11,097
and the beautiful verdant hillsides
of the Labrador Peninsula.

136
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:15,644
I didn't have Diane Peninsula.
I had the Isthmus of Assholes.

137
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,355
I keep telling you
we should go visit the old country.

138
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,982
You'd love it up there.
There's so much to smell.

139
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,442
[chuckles] That's weird.

140
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,986
I just got a text from Alexi Brosefino.

141
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,322
The famous movie star and man about town?

142
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,492
He wants me to come to his house
and party with his friends.

143
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:31,701
The Snatch Batch?

144
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,871
Alexi Brosefino wants <i>you </i>to party
with the Snatch Batch?

145
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,540
He's one of our clients.
I met him a couple weeks ago.

146
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,960
We talked about me
Instagramming one of his parties.

147
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,170
I didn't think he actually wanted me
to do it tonight.

148
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,630
Oh, wait. Tonight?

149
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,466
I hoped we could snuggle up
on the couch and watch <i>Bones.</i>

150
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,802
I don't think that show's about
what you think it's about.

151
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,638
Besides, I have to go.
It's for work. I'm sorry.

152
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,099
It's fine. But you'll call me
if you're out late, right?

153
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,685
- Yes. I'll call you.
- Okay. Have a good time.

154
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,186
Ugh! I'm sure I won't.

155
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,730
Cool guys like that
take me back to high school

156
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,441
and I end up feeling
like a huge nerd over again.

157
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:09,406
The only kind of nerd you should feel like
is hon-nerd that he selected you.

158
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,621
Princess Carolyn, I made reservations
for you tonight at Elefante.

159
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,164
- Reservations?
- For your dates.

160
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,333
One at seven,
one at 8:30, and one at ten.

161
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,876
You actually got me three dates?

162
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,420
- I was joking.
- I'm sorry.

163
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,005
I sometimes have trouble reading tone.

164
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,173
Once I spent 45 minutes
at a fascinating lecture

165
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,759
at the Apollo Theater
before I realized it was a comedy routine.

166
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,430
I can't go on three dates.
Can we reschedule two of them?

167
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,224
It will be a long time
before you get another night off.

168
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:39,519
Especially since you have those lawyers
coming next week to change light bulbs.

169
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:42,647
Okay, I just realized now
that was also a joke.

170
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:48,862
As the father of one of the brides,
I just wanted to take a moment to--

171
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,156
<i>Buenas noches, amigos.</i>

172
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,951
Let's get blasted. Right?

173
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,121
Oh, my God, BoJack Horseman.
The movie star.

174
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,457
This is the happiest day of my life.

175
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,917
- [cheering]
- [hip-hop music playing]

176
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,715
- Ooh.
- [doorbell rings]

177
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,719
- Can I help you?
- I'm Diane.

178
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,721
- Um...
- I work for Princess Carolyn.

179
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,557
You texted me to come hang out
with you and your friends.

180
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,603
- I'm running out of things to say.
- Oh, yeah. Diane.

181
00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:23,521
Yeah, no, of course. Come in, please.

182
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:28,276
- Holy shit. Is that a Klimt?
- Hey, guys, we got a guest.

183
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,987
Diane, this is Carlos, David,
and Shitshow.

184
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,280
- Yo.
- Word.

185
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,282
Ah, the famous Snatch Batch.

186
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:37,160
That's just a dumb name
some reporter came up with.

187
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,745
We don't actually call ourselves that.

188
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,498
We all have sex with a lot of women.
But who cares?

189
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,166
We also love getting brunch.

190
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,376
You might as well call us
the Brunch Batch.

191
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,544
Or the Brunch Bunch.

192
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:49,547
Oh, my God, Carlos,
that's why you're the funny one.

193
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,341
That is really good.
Write that one down.

194
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:55,762
Yeah, we get why the Casanova narrative
is appealing and how it helps our brand.

195
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:59,057
- We're not complete idiots.
- Yeah, except for Shitshow.

196
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,518
- [blows raspberry]
- [laughing]

197
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,435
Good one.

198
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,896
But within each man
lives a great multiplicity, right?

199
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:08,233
- Nobody is just one thing.
- Yeah, except for Shitshow, right?

200
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,735
- [nervous chuckle]
- Ah...

201
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:14,697
You know, we can make fun of him
because, like, he's our friend.

202
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,283
I am so sorry, Shitshow.

203
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:23,581
But the modern era of automotive glass

204
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:27,335
began when engineers
took two panes of laminated glass

205
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,296
and separated them
with a thin layer of PVB.

206
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,508
- Uh-huh.
- How about you? Are you in the industry?

207
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:36,594
- Yes, actually. I'm an agent.
- Agent?

208
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:39,097
Oh, you're in the entertainment industry.

209
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,350
When I said the industry,
I meant the auto glass industry.

210
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,977
We call our business the industry

211
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,563
because we think
we're more important than everybody else.

212
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,772
[sighs]

213
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,067
[whistles]

214
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,990
I could bore everyone to death
about how proud I am

215
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,992
of the woman Taneisha's become,

216
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,119
but rather than read the remarks
I've been preparing

217
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,705
for the last eight months,
I'm gonna turn the microphone over

218
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:07,709
to an honest to God movie star,
BoJack Horseman, ladies and gentlemen.

219
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,043
[cheers and applause]

220
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,462
Thank you, thank you.
Let's get to the reason we're here.

221
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,965
And no, Uncle George,
I don't mean the chocolate fountain.

222
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,758
[laughter]

223
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:20,972
You know, I don't know
Karen and Taneisha super well,

224
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,183
but I do know how precious and rare it is

225
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:27,937
to find that one missing puzzle piece
who completes you.

226
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:31,190
And when you know, you know.
You know?

227
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:35,570
So congrats to the happy couple
for knowing.

228
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:39,782
Okay, as they say in the movie business,
"That's a wrap on BoJack."

229
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:42,368
Let's hear it
from some of these bridesmaids.

230
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:49,250
Taneisha, Karen.
[sing-song] Taneisha... Karen...

231
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,503
On the way here, the driver stopped
in some weird parking lot

232
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,339
and asked if he could touch my hair.

233
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,090
- That's terrifying.
- I know.

234
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,967
It is a very popular ride-sharing app,

235
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,928
you'd think they could vet
their drivers better.

236
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:00,845
Which app is that?

237
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,765
I probably shouldn't say,
for legal reasons.

238
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,934
I think we all know
which one I'm talking about.

239
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:09,228
You know what would solve
a lot of problems?

240
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:13,816
If there was a ride-share app for women
that only had women drivers.

241
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,944
That is such a good idea, Todd.

242
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:19,489
- You always did have such great ideas.
- You know what else would be cool?

243
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,491
A miniature cupcake gun,

244
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,869
so you could shoot tiny cupcakes
into your mouth.

245
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,538
"Uh-oh! Is that guy
trying to kill himself?"

246
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,707
"Nope, just a cupcake gun."

247
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,751
Wait, no, go back to your other idea.

248
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,420
- Which one?
- The one about the women drivers.

249
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:39,509
Taneisha, and Karen.
[sobbing] Karen and Taneisha.

250
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,552
[dance music playing]

251
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:44,722
And my foundation focuses
on clean water initiatives

252
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,432
and that's actually how I met Carlos.

253
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,893
He patented a process
for ionic remineralization.

254
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:50,520
- It's crazy.
- That's incredible.

255
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,523
Okay, enough shop talk. Let's roll.

256
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:58,069
- Diane?
- Oh, drug taking. That's cool. I'm cool.

257
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,154
- What is this, Molly?
- [laughter]

258
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,699
Yeah, Diane, some drug dealer from 2013

259
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,659
found a time machine
and gave us this Molly.

260
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:07,829
- Nobody does Molly anymore.
- This is Gush.

261
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:08,746
What's Gush?

262
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:12,375
[chuckles] Look, Diane, I get that
this is maybe not your usual scene.

263
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:16,587
- So don't feel like you have to do any--
- No, no, I can hang. Let's do drugs.

264
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:20,967
Let's put the drug in my mouth,
so I can trip or roll or gush or--

265
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,970
- [gulping]
- Oh, you all did it. Uh...

266
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:29,517
Here we go.
Oh, it doesn't hit right away, does it?

267
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,978
- No, it'll take a few minutes.
- Okay.

268
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:36,190
So how'd you guys meet Shitshow?

269
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:38,192
We went to his TED Talk.

270
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,657
Oh, it is so great
to finally date a woman my age.

271
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:47,285
- Yes.
- Who's comfortable in her own skin.

272
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:51,914
I always say, there's more than one way
for a cat... you know, to have skin.

273
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,584
And has come to terms
with not having children.

274
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,086
What makes you think
I don't want to have children?

275
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,881
Oh, come on.
What are you, serious? At your age?

276
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,092
Since when are you an expert
on who can and cannot have children?

277
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,345
I'm a gynecologist.
I specialize in fertility.

278
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:09,265
I'd be happy to put you in the stirrups,
look at the old cat eggs.

279
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:13,102
Ecch! Not if you were the last albino
rhino gyno on the planet.

280
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,730
I'm the only albino rhino gyno I know.

281
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,776
- Should we get some wine?
- Oh, great. You're also a wine addict.

282
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,527
Oh, yeah!

283
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:24,781
So to do a soft launch,
I think we'd only need about ten cars.

284
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,866
I could work out any bugs with the app.

285
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:29,118
You really know what you're talking about.

286
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,996
So, do you think
your girlfriend would get jealous

287
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,873
if we started this project together, or...

288
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:38,711
Oh, God, this is so embarrassing for you,
but I actually don't have a girlfriend.

289
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,381
That's a really weird assumption
for you to make.

290
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,549
You look really dumb right now.

291
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,886
No, actually, I was kind of hoping
you weren't seeing anybody.

292
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:50,306
I'm also not seeing anybody,
for what it's worth.

293
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,393
- Ohh.
- Hey, Todd, you must be a real cool dude

294
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:56,312
if a movie star wants to hang out
with you for no reason.

295
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,190
Just wanted to give you
a key to the room I booked,

296
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,109
which nobody is in right now.

297
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,027
- Winkity dinkity.
- BoJack.

298
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,613
Maybe you two
should just go see if the bed works.

299
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,157
A lot of these rooms have faulty beds.

300
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,118
- That's a great idea.
- Uh, yeah.

301
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:13,538
Okay, let me just finish
this cocktail real quick. [slurping]

302
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,666
- Uh...
- All right, Todd. Yeah, go.

303
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,670
Ahh! Cool, I'm just gonna get
one or two more drinks

304
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,630
and then we'll go check out that bed.

305
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,424
[Emily] Okay.

306
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:30,179
Um... hello, everybody. I was thinking
about what BoJack said before.

307
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,640
About how when you know, you know.

308
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:36,936
And I'm sitting there,
and I'm thinking, "Do I know?"

309
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,272
- Uh...
- I mean, I think I know.

310
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,358
But if you know when you know
and I only think that I know,

311
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,861
maybe that means that I don't know, right?

312
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,529
- Oh, boy.
- Karen, I'm sorry.

313
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,948
I love you, but I can't do this.
The wedding's off.

314
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:49,907
[gasping]

315
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:53,202
- [Emily] It's a rehearsal dinner.
- Thank you, BoJack.

316
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,912
- [mic feedback]
- [sobbing]

317
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,165
Uh...

318
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,880
I don't think it's working.
Am I doing this wrong?

319
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,756
Am I doing drugs wrong?

320
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,134
Alexi, did you hear back
from that piece you texted?

321
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,386
- Mm-mmm! Mm-mmm.
- "That piece"?

322
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,889
That girl was hot.
What was her name again?

323
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,725
Doesn't matter.
I mean, let's just enjoy ourselves, right?

324
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,185
- Diane?
- What?

325
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,312
No, the hot girl. Her name was Diane.

326
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,607
You saved her in your phone
as Cool Sexy Diane.

327
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,442
Let's just, like, drop it, now.

328
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:27,945
That's funny.
You have two friends named Diane.

329
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:31,365
You know, I also know Diane Lane.
So, there's that.

330
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,534
Why are we talking about other Dianes?

331
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:36,787
Hey, wouldn't it be funny
if you tried to text Cool Sexy Diane,

332
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:40,249
but then instead you texted
Regular Boring Diane by mistake?

333
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,169
And then I showed up
and you were like, "Who's this chick?"

334
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,338
All night, I'd be hanging out with you,

335
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,299
thinking I was one of the gang,
but it was just a big mistake

336
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,177
because you meant to text--
Oh, shit, that's exactly what happened.

337
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:54,096
Wait, Diane, please hear me out...
[voice deepens and distorts]

338
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,307
Whoa.

339
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,518
[laughter, distorted]

340
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,395
Oh, shit. It's hitting. I gotta go.

341
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:03,731
[panting]

342
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:06,067
- Diane, wait. Come on.
- I get it, okay?

343
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,569
You're the cool kids. I'm the nerd.
I should have known.

344
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:12,448
So I texted the wrong person. So what?
This isn't high school.

345
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,493
There's no nerds and no cool kids.
We're all adults.

346
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,537
We're hanging out together
and having a good time.

347
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,665
- So just come back inside.
- Everyone knows I don't belong there.

348
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,626
Hey, you belong
wherever you want to belong, Diane.

349
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,670
- Yeah?
- Yeah, look at me.

350
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:28,839
I'm a handsome white guy
and I never feel like I don't belong.

351
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,675
Also, you took a shit ton of gush.

352
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,261
- Things are about to get insane.
- I just took one pill.

353
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,263
Yeah, that's a shit ton.

354
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,683
- My jeans feel amazing right now.
- That is great.

355
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:42,353
I feel so much love.
I got to tell someone.

356
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,897
Yes, yes, tell me.
I'm in this with you, Diane.

357
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:48,526
No. I got to go home.
I got to tell my husband.

358
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,736
- [sighs]
- Wait, Diane.

359
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,864
That tree is amazing.

360
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,243
Ugh! [shudders]

361
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:02,248
- Princess Carolyn?
- You've got to be kidding me.

362
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,001
- You're a cat.
- And you're a mouse.

363
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:09,005
- I think I know how this ends.
- [both chuckling]

364
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,341
Let's not waste each other's time
and cut right to the chase.

365
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:17,138
- It was nice to meet you, uh...?
- Ralph Stilton. It was nice to meet you.

366
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,307
May all your disasters
be this easy to avoid.

367
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:22,685
[chuckling]
If I have one more bad date...

368
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,562
Oh! I am right there with you.

369
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,106
Date canceled.
I could use a bite to eat, though.

370
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,941
There's this great place
around the corner.

371
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:32,695
It's a little hole in the wall,
but they do a nice cheese plate.

372
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:33,946
Hmm.

373
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,699
- [sobbing and sniffling]
- [howling]

374
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,536
Wow. Weird turn of events, huh?

375
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,413
Nobody's fault, right?
I'm gonna jet.

376
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,332
You need to talk some sense
into my daughter.

377
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,959
Yeah, talking sense into people
isn't really my thing.

378
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,711
In fact, I'm better at the opposite.

379
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,505
I once got Nic Cage to buy
Charlie Chaplin's mustache on eBay.

380
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:52,798
That was his last ten bucks.

381
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:57,136
Please, BoJack. She'll listen to you.
Everyone loves the movie star.

382
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,137
[groans]

383
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,849
Uh... hey, laundry cart.

384
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:04,602
Want to hide in sheets
and pretend we're ghosts?

385
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:07,396
No, Todd, I don't want to pretend
like we're ghosts.

386
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,566
I want to go in the hotel room
and fool around. Do you?

387
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:14,403
[chuckles] I don't know, Emily.
Uh, you're pretty drunk.

388
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,864
No, I'm-- I'm not. I'm not drunk at all.

389
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,742
- Oh, well, I'm pretty drunk.
- Yeah, but it seems like you're--

390
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,786
Maybe I should just go to bed.

391
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:26,332
- I'm, uh, I'm feeling kind of sick.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.

392
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,417
But, hey, it was really great seeing you.

393
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:32,421
- Yeah, it was great seeing you too.
- Yeah, yeah, good night.

394
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:33,714
[sighs]

395
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,132
What?

396
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,593
[laughing]

397
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,387
My arm is stuck in the trap

398
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:43,057
and I'm running around the kitchen
like crazy, smearing blood everywhere.

399
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,268
- Oh, this is me.
- [alarm chirps]

400
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:50,189
I think as far as disasters go,
that was one of the better ones.

401
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,982
It's the best non-date I've ever had.

402
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:55,611
Yeah, I was thinking,
maybe some time we should have a--

403
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,322
- What's the opposite of a non-date?
- A date.

404
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,282
- That's the word.
- I'd like that.

405
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,243
Well, great, great.
[chuckles]

406
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,245
When can I see you again?
When's your next night off?

407
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:05,162
Oh.

408
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,124
Did I say something? Is it because
I asked for the glass of milk?

409
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,376
- If you give me a cookie--
- No, you're great.

410
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,462
It's just running an agency
doesn't give me a lot of nights off.

411
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:16,757
Tell you what, here's my card.
If you're ever free, give me a call.

412
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:20,052
If not, I'll just meet somebody else
and invite you to the wedding.

413
00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:23,848
- Oh, thanks.
- You don't have to come, but send a gift.

414
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:31,647
- Hey, Taneisha?
- [sniffling] BoJack?

415
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,483
- I was thinking about what you said--
- Stop doing that.

416
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,736
Nobody should be thinking
about the things I say.

417
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:41,824
- I love Karen. But does she complete me?
- Taneisha, nobody completes anybody.

418
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:43,242
That's not a real thing.

419
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,661
If you're lucky enough to find someone
you can halfway tolerate,

420
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,955
sink your nails in and don't let go,
no matter what.

421
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:52,042
- So, what, I should just settle?
- Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle.

422
00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:56,630
Because otherwise you're just gonna
get older, and harder, and more alone.

423
00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,050
And you're gonna do everything you can
to fill that hole, with friends,

424
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:05,097
and your career, and meaningless sex,
but the hole doesn't get filled.

425
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,809
One day, you're gonna look around
and you're going to realize

426
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:12,688
that everybody loves you,
but nobody likes you.

427
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:16,358
And that is the loneliest feeling
in the world.

428
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,568
[door latch clicks]

429
00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:23,574
- The wedding is back on.
- [cheering]

430
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,535
I love you, baby. I always knew I did.

431
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:30,247
- This is the happiest day of my life.
- Yeah.

432
00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:35,044
[Brennan] <i>Sometimes, the only way</i>
<i>to solve a crime is with bones.</i>

433
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,003
[chuckling]

434
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:39,590
[man] <i>Hey, if you love bones so much,</i>
<i>maybe we should just call you "Bones."</i>

435
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:41,342
[giggling] Bones.

436
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:42,802
[Brennan] <i>To the Bones Mobile.</i>

437
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:45,805
[panting] Mr. Peabut Nutter.
Mr. Peeper Number.

438
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,724
- Diane? Are you okay?
- [shushing]

439
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,351
The drugs have something to say.

440
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,186
And even though they are drugs,

441
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:55,314
they come from science,
so let's give a listen.

442
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,483
Okay.

443
00:21:57,566 --> 00:21:59,485
I know I don't always have
the right words,

444
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:01,153
I don't always have the right feelings,

445
00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:04,198
but I love you so much
and I need you to know that.

446
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:05,449
Yeah, I know.

447
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:09,036
And sometimes I think that I know myself,
but maybe that's a trap.

448
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,997
Because maybe I <i>am </i>Cool Sexy Diane,

449
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,458
or Really In Touch
With Her Feelings Diane.

450
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:18,671
Or possibly other Dianes
we don't even know about yet.

451
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:22,258
The point is, I'm all of the Dianes.

452
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,802
I know exactly what you're talking about.

453
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:27,680
I love that you do crazy things
that make no sense,

454
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,932
like fill our house up
with spaghetti strainers.

455
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:33,727
I had a very good reason for that,
but I do not remember what it was.

456
00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:38,440
And we're really good for each other.
Or at least, you're good for me.

457
00:22:38,524 --> 00:22:40,901
And you're fun. And you're sweet.

458
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:43,404
And I love you. And I need you.

459
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:47,116
And I don't always know
how to tell you that. But drugs help.

460
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:49,243
That's right, honey. Drugs are great.

461
00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:53,289
And now, I'm going to carry my man to bed.

462
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,708
- Here we go.
- Oh, okay.

463
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:58,502
- [grunting and straining]
- Uh, is this a good idea?

464
00:22:58,586 --> 00:23:03,132
The drugs want me to do this,
and that means it's a good idea.

465
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,425
- Aaah! [grunts]
- Ohh!

466
00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:08,345
Ow!
Drugs, I thought we were friends.

467
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:11,849
Oh.

468
00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:15,394
- Why were you working in the dark?
- Oh, I guess it got dark.

469
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:19,106
- I didn't notice. How were your dates?
- [sighs] Pointless.

470
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:22,234
Yes, most dates are.
Well, I've prepared our agreement.

471
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,195
- Look it over, sign it at your leisure.
- I don't have any leisure.

472
00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:28,073
While you're signing, I have a stack
of holiday cards for the staff.

473
00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:30,284
I took the liberty of writing
little personal messages

474
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:31,952
- to everyone on your behalf.
- Thank you.

475
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:33,454
Mm-hmm.

476
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,725
- Hey.
- Hey.

477
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:02,983
- What's gonna happen tomorrow?
- I don't know.

478
00:24:03,067 --> 00:24:05,444
- Are we going to fight?
- No.

479
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:08,947
We are. Drugs are gonna wear off
and I'm gonna be mean.

480
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:11,825
- Why am I so mean?
- You're not mean.

481
00:24:11,909 --> 00:24:13,118
[exhales]

482
00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:14,244
[gasps]

483
00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:16,830
- Let's go to the Labrador Peninsula.
- Yeah?

484
00:24:16,914 --> 00:24:20,250
- Spend New Year's with your family.
- Oh, you are gonna love it up there.

485
00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:23,253
I have an uncle who still plays the flute
at the local pub every week.

486
00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:25,881
- I want to hear him.
- Ohh, you can't.

487
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:28,175
- He plays in dog frequency.
- Aww.

488
00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:31,637
Well, your blood work looks good.
So go home.

489
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,765
Oh, and, uh, lay off the drugs.
Especially now.

490
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:38,936
- Why especially now?
- Oh, don't worry. Your baby's fine.

491
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,271
What do you mean "baby"?
Why do you say "baby"?

492
00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:44,274
Do you not know?

493
00:24:44,358 --> 00:24:46,276
- You're pregnant.
- Motherf--

494
00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:53,242
<i>♪ Back in the '90s</i>
<i>I was in a very famous TV show ♪</i>

495
00:24:55,786 --> 00:24:58,080
<i>- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪</i>
<i>- ♪ BoJack ♪</i>

496
00:24:58,163 --> 00:25:02,334
<i>♪ BoJack the Horseman</i>
<i>Don't act like you don't know ♪</i>

497
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:09,174
<i>♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪</i>

498
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:13,971
<i>♪ It's been so long</i>
<i>I don't think I'm gonna last ♪</i>

499
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:17,725
<i>♪ I guess I'll just try</i>
<i>And make you understand ♪</i>

500
00:25:17,808 --> 00:25:21,770
<i>♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪</i>

501
00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:26,358
<i>♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪</i>

502
00:25:26,442 --> 00:25:27,693
<i>♪ BoJack ♪</i>

503
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:34,950
<i>Boxer vs. Raptor,</i>
<i>♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪</i>