1
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,841
[Diane]
The series is called "Crooshin' USA."
2
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:08,964
[man] What does that mean?
3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,470
Crooshness is hard to define,
but I also don't know it when I see it.
4
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:13,554
Oop. Pardon my reach.
5
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:16,516
Well, I'm always trying to get more girls
interested in agriculture.
6
00:00:16,599 --> 00:00:21,062
You might say I've got my eyes on them.
Potato eyes, that is.
7
00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,146
- Guy?
- [Guy] Mm-hmm.
8
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:26,735
Hey, girls! It's Diane,
outside Idaho's largest potato supplier,
9
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,236
- Starch Farms.
- Hello!
10
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:29,319
Let me get this straight.
11
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:33,283
Your farm harvests five types of potatoes,
two types of onions,
12
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:35,869
and is also a front
for a local sex trafficking ring?
13
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:38,997
- [gasps]
- How'd you get started in sex trafficking?
14
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,499
Uh...
15
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,002
[panting]
16
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,004
I don't think
I'm getting that microphone back.
17
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,632
This is the second straight year
this Michigan resort's food
18
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,135
has tested positive for avian botulism.
19
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,428
Wow, two years in a row.
20
00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,638
It's like the Tom Hanks
of poisoning people.
21
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,515
They said the jewelry is safe
for humans now,
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,560
but I've been wearing this
for a week, and...
23
00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:01,643
[groans]
24
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:03,998
Can we get more B-roll
so we have something to cut away to
25
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,315
when I have to scratch my nose?
26
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:08,151
I thought scratching your nose
was your way of saying hello to me.
27
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,655
Don't you find it a little convenient
that the mayor has yet to restore
28
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,175
clean drinking water to this part of...
29
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:18,244
No, it's quite inconvenient.
You think this is convenient?
30
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,831
The East Side is a lower-income area,
ergo the residents
31
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,042
are not huge campaign donors, ergo...
32
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,711
No, the mayor
didn't target that neighborhood,
33
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,255
he was just that stupid
when it came to water filtration.
34
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:32,175
He was just stupid enough to think
he wouldn't get caught, ergo...
35
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,719
Say "ergo" one more time.
36
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,679
- Ergo.
- Nah.
37
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,123
- No, no, no, no.
- [Diane giggles]
38
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,224
This is Diane Nguyen...
39
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,493
This is Diane... This is Di...
40
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,061
This is Diane Nguyen,
and that's the Croosh!
41
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,122
- [Guy mumbles] Let me see.
- Did you hear
42
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,356
about Philip Morris Disney Fox
43
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,401
AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo
Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's?
44
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,463
- What about them?
- They got acquired by Whitewhale.
45
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,406
Oh, shit.
Well, how many companies are there now?
46
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,825
Four? [gasps]
47
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,535
- What is it?
- I'm sorry, Diane.
48
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:01,079
Look, I asked for two beds, I swear.
49
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:04,707
- Huh.
- I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed!
50
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,668
What are we supposed to do
with just one bed?
51
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,128
Quite a pickle.
52
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,381
I should march right back down
to that front desk and tell them...
53
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,133
[both moaning]
54
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:16,553
Thank you... [chuckles] for helping me
with my one bed bit.
55
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,471
- [both moan]
- It's a good bit.
56
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,557
[theme music playing]
57
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,820
[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello.
58
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,363
- [Guy snores]
- This is a letter.
59
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,782
Rehab is making me write a letter
to a friend
60
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,868
because I guess letter writing
is therapeutic?
61
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,245
I hear it did wonders
for the Zodiac killer.
62
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:28,541
Anyway, rehab's going fine.
A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga
63
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,461
and I think next week
we're doing a color war.
64
00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:35,173
And it's good that I'm here,
and it's good that I'm not drinking
65
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:38,218
or taking pills, but I keep thinking
about how this isn't real life.
66
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:42,597
It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy.
67
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:46,517
As nice as this is, I know that someday
I'll have to go back to the real world.
68
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,811
Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him
on the phone, please?
69
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,523
I don't care if he doesn't wanna
talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady...
70
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,608
[Guy groans angrily]
71
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:55,252
[BoJack's voice] Anyway, that's my letter.
72
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:58,863
I probably won't even send it,
but if you're reading this, I guess I did?
73
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,907
Your friend, BoJack.
74
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,534
P.S. Horseman.
75
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,498
I'm only in Chicago for a week.
76
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,125
I don't think it's selfish
to wanna see my son.
77
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,127
Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice.
78
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,504
Whose side are you on?
79
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,714
Uh... Hey, look out the window.
80
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,633
[Guy] Wow, there she is!
81
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:21,594
The second windy, muddy,
big-shoulders city by the lake.
82
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,931
Look! Willis Tower.
Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building!
83
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:28,059
You cannot be excited
about a giant corporation like Whitewhale
84
00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:29,644
setting up shop in your hometown.
85
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,407
I'm just excited
we got a new big building.
86
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,190
- In your face, Dubai.
- [chuckles]
87
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,402
[man gasps and pants]
88
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,488
- Hmm...
- Ah...
89
00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,198
- Not bad.
- It's because the bread
90
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,033
is made from lake water and lard.
91
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,477
- [phone buzzes]
- From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.
92
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,288
Today, your phone is ringing.
93
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:53,751
Here's what you need to know about people
who still use their phone to call people.
94
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:54,835
Hey, Stefani.
95
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:55,712
Hey, girl!
96
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,839
- No, no, it's Guy.
- [Stefani] Hey, Guy!
97
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:01,009
I got you on speaker. Diane's eating
the best sandwich of her life.
98
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,427
- It's okay.
- [Stefani exhales]
99
00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:05,221
Diane, I love
that you still eat sandwiches.
100
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,433
Flaws like that are what make you
relatable to regular women.
101
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:09,809
- [gulps] What?
- Meanwhile,
102
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:13,646
I am adoring your cross-country exposition
of the ugly underbelly
103
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,023
of American capitalism.
104
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,106
So croosh.
105
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,235
But I wonder if you could make room
in the rotation
106
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,362
for a few feel-good stories?
107
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,323
Stefani, our videos
are making a difference.
108
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,575
Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am.
109
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,119
There's gotta be some good news out there.
110
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,954
- [sighs]
- We'll see what we can do!
111
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,540
- Why'd you say yes?
- We can do feel-good stories.
112
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,393
What about that girl who opened up
a lemonade stand
113
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:35,853
to pay for her dad's cancer treatment?
114
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,420
How is that a feel-good story?
115
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,673
"Hey, America! We're the only developed
nation without subsidized healthcare,
116
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,217
so this child joined
the workforce in a desperate bid
117
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,469
to keep her father alive!"
118
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:45,720
Okay. How 'bout this?
119
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,972
Local cameraman has a pretty
good thing going,
120
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,816
where he gets to travel
all over the country,
121
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:53,227
and fool around in hotel rooms with
his beautiful, smart, feisty producer...
122
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,189
and he's pretty sure
this passionate, intelligent,
123
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,149
warrior for truth likes it, too,
124
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,919
so maybe these two knuckleheads
should swallow their pride for a second
125
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,737
and make some feel-good videos.
126
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:10,495
Hey, girls.
127
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,496
- Hey, Diane.
- Hey.
128
00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,082
Tell me
about the Every Animal Girl Company.
129
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,751
We are two best friends
who got tired of seeing dolls
130
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,420
promoting unrealistic beauty standards.
131
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:20,421
Take Ginny here.
132
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:23,383
Most giraffe dolls have necks
one inch shorter by scale
133
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,651
than the average girl giraffe.
134
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:25,676
Not our Ginny.
135
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:30,014
Her neck is long and proud,
for all our necky gals out there.
136
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,974
As a necky gal, I love that.
137
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,936
And is it true that all your dolls
are made out of recycled material?
138
00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:36,604
- Uh... No.
- Yes!
139
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,523
- Sorry?
- Well, traditionally...
140
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,234
- [overlapping dialogue]
- The first batch, um...
141
00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,028
The important thing is
we're two best friends.
142
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,279
Okay, what's going on?
143
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,240
Uh... [giggles nervously]
144
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,368
Okay. We are excited to announce
that as of today,
145
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:54,288
the Every Animal Girl Company
has been purchased by Toys Galore,
146
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,125
a subsidiary
of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests.
147
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,794
Yay! Toys Galore!
148
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,587
- Uh...
- Huh?
149
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,005
"Yay..."
150
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,884
A small, independent start-up
bought out by a huge conglomerate.
151
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,929
It must be so empowering
to see your success grow.
152
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:13,975
What a happy story for two best friends.
Now, about the recycled materials?
153
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,687
Well, it's unclear what role recycling
will play in the future of this company.
154
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,982
Right now, we're mainly focused
on empowering young girls,
155
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:24,318
and closing the main Chicago factory
so we can relocate overseas
156
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,611
for cheaper labor.
157
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,988
Right before the holidays!
158
00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:29,031
[clears throat] Feel-good.
159
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,743
[strained] What an exciting,
empowering time for you!
160
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,412
I know.
161
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,808
You think you can edit that down
into something feel-goody?
162
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,959
For sure.
It'll have to go up late, though,
163
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545
because I'm having some friends over
to watch the game tonight.
164
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,297
God, I'm freezing.
165
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,550
- Aw.
- So, you, uh...
166
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,673
- You wanna watch the game with us?
- Are you asking me to meet your friends?
167
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,431
No, I just figure,
since you're staying with me anyway...
168
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:56,684
I would be delighted. Wait, it's not
the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it?
169
00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:57,767
It's just a mascot.
170
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,772
[reporter] And there goes Waa-Waa,
the Baby Human, stumbling around
171
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,108
like the furless featherless dolt he is.
172
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:07,904
What's he got there?
Don't drink that poison, you crazy human!
173
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,990
- We don't drink poison.
- Diane, he's not a literal human.
174
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,826
Waa-Waa is a tribute
to your proud human heritage.
175
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,204
- I'm very flattered.
- Anyway, meet the gang.
176
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,748
Everyone, this is Diane. My, um...
177
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,125
Ah... You know, my...
The woman that I work with.
178
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,502
- [all] Hi.
- [man] 'Sup, dude?
179
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,463
- Hmm...
- You okay?
180
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,924
Yeah. Sorry, just... I'll be right back.
181
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,968
[doorbell rings]
182
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,061
[sighs]
183
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,063
- Diane, I'm really sorry, but...
- It's fine.
184
00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,082
I wasn't expecting, ya know,
in front of your friends.
185
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,959
- He just showed up.
- We haven't put a label on us.
186
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:47,920
- I'm not looking for...
- The speech and debate tournament
187
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,797
- was canceled on account of cyberbullying.
- Wait, what are you talking about?
188
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,907
- My son is here. He surprised me.
- Oh, shit.
189
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,244
I usually don't bring women around my kid
unless it's serious.
190
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,721
- I get it.
- Do you mind staying at a hotel?
191
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,848
- Oh, yeah. Totally.
- He'll be gone first thing tomorrow.
192
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,517
What if he sees me go out?
Is the coast clear?
193
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,584
- You should maybe go out the window.
- [grunts]
194
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,670
This makes sense. But what about my stuff?
195
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,147
I'll pack your bag
and throw it out to you.
196
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:09,507
Okay, good. Bye.
Thank you for inviting me to your party.
197
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,590
You have a lovely home.
198
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,554
[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello.
I am writing you another letter.
199
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:18,641
Today sucks. There's this new lady here,
Beverly, and she took my snack kit.
200
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:22,770
And that is so classic Beverly.
Probably. I just met her.
201
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,731
The whole point of the snack kits
is they're communal, right?
202
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,960
They're these bags full of snacks
that we take on our morning hikes,
203
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:31,612
and we put them together the night before,
as like a team-building thing.
204
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:36,033
Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag
of candied nuts into a snack kit,
205
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,285
something just for me.
206
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,554
And I marked my bag with a "B"
207
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,013
so I'd know which one to grab
in the morning.
208
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:40,955
"B" for "BoJack."
209
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:42,808
- [groans angrily]
- But then today, I see Beverly,
210
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,167
who, again, just got here,
waltzing around the house
211
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:49,005
with my snack kit, saying, "Oh, somebody
made a special kit just for me!
212
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,592
B for Beverly!
I must have a secret admirer!"
213
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,343
Again, just got here!
214
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,827
- [shivering]
- The story of my life
215
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:57,388
is that I never get anything nice.
216
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,849
You'd think that I'd learn to adjust
my expectations by now.
217
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,517
But, no. Once again,
218
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604
I was the idiot
who got my hopes up about candied nuts
219
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:08,983
and now I am disappointed
with no one to blame but myself.
220
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,736
- [sighs]
- Anyway, what's new with you?
221
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:14,614
[scoffs] Just kidding,
you can't say anything, this is a letter!
222
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,116
Okay, talk soon. BoJack.
223
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,165
- [crickets chirping]
- [phone buzzes]
224
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,125
From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.
225
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,251
Today, your...
226
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,795
- Hello?
- [Stefani] Diane, your last video...
227
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,340
Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good
as maybe you wanted...
228
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,008
Are you kidding? I feel great!
229
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:36,194
You made a big impression with the guys
at Whitewhale.
230
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:39,722
- Really?
- I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh!
231
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,516
- What?
- Well, technically they bought Fuddruckers
232
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,479
and merged it with Dow Chemical to create
a new media venture called Spronk!
233
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,522
- [Diane] Hold on...
- Spronk acquired Univision,
234
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,692
which will incorporate Girl Croosh
into the Gizmodo-branded mist
235
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:52,943
of advertorial.
236
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,404
- That's terrible!
- Not for me! I'm gonna be rich!
237
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,324
- You already are rich!
- Oh, yeah! [giggles]
238
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:02,203
Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk,
which is currently rebranding
239
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:03,329
as Content Spew.
240
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:06,415
So spew that content, girl! [giggles] Bye!
241
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,211
Oh, "spronk" me.
242
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,340
[sputters]
243
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,926
Pardon our dust
while we finish construction.
244
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,596
Can I get you a Pepsi Cola?
Or anything else from the vast Whitewhale
245
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,932
agglomeration of fine beverages?
[sputters]
246
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,434
Uh, I think we're good.
247
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,352
Hmm.
248
00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:28,854
[beep]
249
00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:32,274
- I'm sorry about last night.
- It's fine. Let's just watch the movie.
250
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,528
Welcome!
Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests,
251
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:39,907
we do it all through the free-market magic
of the Whitewhale Way!
252
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:42,410
[both] That's right, Mr. Whitewhale!
253
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,578
Who? Why? Where?
Whence forth are you two,
254
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:49,417
and how did you manifest in my office?
Be gone, ghastly ghouls!
255
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:53,129
[giggles]
We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert!
256
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,755
Vertical Integration!
257
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,174
And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly.
258
00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:01,846
You summoned us here to tell your new
employees about the Whitewhale Way!
259
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:05,933
Well, best be quick about it,
you unholy apparitions.
260
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:09,478
The Whitewhale Way was developed
by Ezekiel Whitewhale,
261
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:14,483
who started small with a modest petroleum
refinery he inherited from his father.
262
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,486
[Ollie]
One day he looked around and said,
263
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,570
"Wait one minute!
264
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:22,116
While I'm refining this oil, someone else
is getting rich drilling it,
265
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:25,578
and another someone's sellin' it
to the common commuter!"
266
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,622
So, he bought his own rig
and opened a chain of gas stations.
267
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,001
By controlling both the means
of production and the delivery system,
268
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,629
Ezekiel cornered the market,
and choked out the competition
269
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:38,299
until they had no choice
but to sell to him, too!
270
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,343
And that's vertical integration! [burps]
271
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,262
[giggles] Pardon me.
272
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,931
F-f-f-f-fast forward to the 1980s,
273
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:49,435
when Jeremiah took our company
to the next level.
274
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,855
[Vert] He bought a telephone company,
a sports team, and when he didn't like
275
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,899
the way the newspapers
were talking about him,
276
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,793
- he bought his own newspaper!
- [Ollie chomps]
277
00:12:56,817 --> 00:13:01,739
Well, I must have been a hungry whale
because I just kept gobbling up companies.
278
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:05,534
Fast forward to today,
and it looks like I gobbled up you!
279
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,537
- [chuckles]
- Are we supposed to be charmed by this?
280
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:15,336
Welcome to the Whitewhale family.
Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be.
281
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,131
Here's a list
of your new sister companies.
282
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,802
Please be mindful of them
as you spew your content. [sputters]
283
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,932
So we can't make videos
about any of these subsidiaries?
284
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:31,435
Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase,
Marie Osmond?
285
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,230
Oh! There it is,
the Every Animal Girl Company.
286
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,608
You don't really think Whitewhale bought
Girl Croosh just to kill our video?
287
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,086
And you couldn't just tell
a feel-good story about two friends
288
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,278
who started a business.
289
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,905
Maybe this is for the best.
290
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:45,699
You can get a new job in Chicago,
spend more time with your kid.
291
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,159
Yeah, and you can go back to LA,
292
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,262
where you won't have to borrow my coat
all the time.
293
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,806
- [giggles]
- Didn't you wanna write another book?
294
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,933
I have this book of essays
I've been brewing in my head.
295
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,477
It's called, "One Last Thing
and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up
296
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,546
About This Forever: Dispatches
from the Frontlines of the War on Women:
297
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,549
Arguments, Opinions, Reflections,
Recollections, The Razor Tax..."
298
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:02,550
Is this still the title?
299
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,945
I kind of got lost in the middle
and couldn't find a way out.
300
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,136
No, no, it's good,
301
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,490
I just think you want to save some of it
for the inside of the book.
302
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:11,809
[sighs] I guess that's it for us,
though, right?
303
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:16,772
- I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us?
- What do you mean?
304
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,608
What if we did one more video
about anything we wanted
305
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,070
and posted it on the website before they
realize we still have all the passwords?
306
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:26,824
- We could do a story about Whitewhale.
- Oh, yeah!
307
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,826
Now, there's a feel-good story.
308
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,955
Me feeling good about takin'
those assholes down!
309
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:45,718
Diane, this is Isabel,
star reporter at The Tribune.
310
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,595
She's been hunting Whitewhale for years.
311
00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:52,141
- Call me... Isabel.
- Okay.
312
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,435
All my days, the beast has haunted me.
313
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:57,104
The hunt consumes my every waking moment.
314
00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,024
You might even say Whitewhale is my...
315
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,152
green light at the end of the dock.
316
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,196
- What?
- That's a Gatsby reference. Read a book.
317
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,364
Isabel, be nice.
318
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,326
I wish I had the energy,
but my obsession has ruined me.
319
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,788
Destroyed my relationships,
obliterated my career. And for nothing.
320
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:18,459
I had one contact on the warehouse floor,
Matt Minnowman.
321
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,127
- Hmm.
- Then he disappeared.
322
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,463
- Maybe there's your story.
- Not your story?
323
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:26,675
Mm. My editor thought I was getting
"too invested" in the Whitewhale beat,
324
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,677
so he moved me
to the Holiday Gift Guide desk.
325
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,306
Now the search for the season's hot toy
torments my waking days.
326
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:37,269
Are spirographs the new fidget spinners?
The answer eludes me at every turn.
327
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,953
[Diane] I can't believe it. We got a lead.
328
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:45,361
Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place?
329
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,822
Are you kidding? It's so cold.
How is it snowing in October?
330
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:52,701
There are basically two seasons here:
bitter winter, unbearable humidity.
331
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,828
- You'll learn to love it.
- [giggles]
332
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:56,431
- [Diane gasping]
- [both giggling]
333
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:59,041
[BoJack's voice]
Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to know
334
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,669
how this Beverly
secret admirer situation is going,
335
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,796
- so I'll cut right to the chase.
- [Guy] Oh!
336
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:07,383
I started writing "BH" on my snack kits
to clear up any confusion
337
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,786
about who the extra nuts are for.
338
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:13,889
But now Beverly thinks "BH"
stands for "Beverly, here-ya-go."
339
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,642
"Beverly here ya go"?
Why would the "H" stand for...
340
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:19,061
- [Guy and Diane moan]
- You know what? Doesn't matter.
341
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,939
The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't
even eat candied nuts.
342
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,382
- [Diane moaning]
- She's allergic.
343
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:24,775
So she usually just ends up
344
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,211
- giving her nuts to me.
- [Guy snores]
345
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,315
Doctor Champ would probably say
that means something.
346
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:32,056
That the universe has a way of looking out
for us if we just stop fighting it, but...
347
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,617
I don't know.
348
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,078
Anyway, I guess it's working.
349
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,999
Hope things are working
for you, too. BoJack.
350
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:41,834
[keyboard clacking]
351
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:44,128
Were you up all night?
352
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:46,088
I was following up on this Matt Minnowman.
353
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,841
Turns out there was an "accident"
at the warehouse.
354
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:50,718
- What?
- He stayed late to finish some work.
355
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,821
"Look at me, I'm just doing some work.
It's no big deal."
356
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,388
Next morning, they found him dead.
357
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:55,514
Oh, shit.
358
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:58,434
This guy was trying to get the word out
about working conditions,
359
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,936
and then he died in the warehouse.
360
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,147
I got the names of some coworkers,
let's get our hands
361
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,231
on the security footage.
362
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,233
Did you know your cereal
was made by Whitewhale?
363
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,356
I threw it out to be safe.
364
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,587
Microchips... Oh, my God,
you're looking at me like I'm crazy.
365
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:12,114
You think I'm obsessed.
Am I totally scaring you off right now?
366
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:14,074
No. You're glowing.
367
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:15,743
Hmm.
368
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,370
[keyboard clacking]
369
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,915
We were working 17-hour days.
370
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,918
We were spread thinner
than a shitty New York slice of pizza
371
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,087
and working harder than the '96 Bulls.
372
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,674
[Guy] Okay, so Matt's stationed here...
373
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,635
So, what, he walked to the other side
of the room just to die?
374
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:35,249
That's where he died, all right.
375
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,598
Management left his body out there
on the floor.
376
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,309
Almost like it was a warning
to the other workers.
377
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,643
Wow.
378
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,581
I just don't think you can attribute it
to intentional cruelty.
379
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,315
- It's callousness.
- Can't it be both?
380
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,442
Whitewhale's not evil.
They're just capitalists.
381
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:49,860
What's the difference?
382
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,279
From New York Times,
I'm Michael Barbaro. Today...
383
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,907
- Hello?
- Mister Whitewhale would like to meet you
384
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,785
at the Chicago Whitewhale building
tomorrow at 2:00.
385
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,828
Bring your camera. [sputters]
386
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:04,166
Oh, shit. If they know what we're doing,
why would they wanna talk to us?
387
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,417
I guess we'll find out.
388
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,669
I'm kind of weirdly excited.
389
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,923
- Hey. I got you something.
- What? Shut up!
390
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,467
- Huh.
- Ah.
391
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,219
- You don't like it.
- No, I love it.
392
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:18,472
It's just I won't get much use
out of a coat like this in LA.
393
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,681
No. It's for here.
394
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,226
Is this your way of asking me
to move to Chicago?
395
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:27,064
No. [chuckles] Not everything is some kind
of secret underhanded conspiracy.
396
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,817
- Sometimes a coat's just a coat.
- Okay.
397
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,861
But I also don't know why it's so obvious
that you go back to LA.
398
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,030
- I live there.
- But there's nothing for you there.
399
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:35,989
Excuse me?
400
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:38,867
I just don't understand
why you're so into punishing yourself.
401
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,785
I am not...
402
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:42,621
And it's not just yourself,
because every time you get cold,
403
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:46,208
- guess who has to give you his coat.
- Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you?
404
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,253
No. [sighs] I just don't know
why I should suffer
405
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,922
because you have this ideological
objection to feeling good.
406
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:54,591
Are you... I would love to feel good.
407
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,344
What a luxury. How nice for you
that you can do that
408
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:58,929
while the world burns around you.
409
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,682
This is not even about the world,
this is about you and me.
410
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,350
"You and me"?
What's "you and me"?
411
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,394
- Don't...
- No, no, tell me, Guy, please,
412
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:08,188
because I would love some clarification.
Am I your girlfriend?
413
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:11,733
Am I the, um,
"you know, woman that I work with"?
414
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,819
- Come on, Diane.
- What is this?
415
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:17,573
I... Just take the coat.
416
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,325
I think I should go back to the hotel.
417
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,661
[sighs]
418
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,423
[Diane shudders]
419
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,926
[birds chirping]
420
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,266
I didn't know if you'd come.
421
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:48,520
Well, we got a job to do, right?
Could get chilly up there.
422
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,526
I don't know what kind of video
you're putting together,
423
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,321
but I wanted to let you know I don't mind.
424
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,739
You're not gonna stop us.
425
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:01,241
I don't want to stop you,
I just said that.
426
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:05,162
See, when you put out stories about us
being "evil" or "callous"
427
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,831
or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is,
428
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:12,920
people think our business is uncompromised
by morality and our stock goes up.
429
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:16,715
So, it doesn't bother your shareholders
that one of your employees died
430
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,258
in a work-related accident?
431
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,886
- What accident?
- Matt Minnowman's body was found
432
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,137
in your warehouse.
433
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,724
Oh, him, sure!
But that was no accident. I killed him.
434
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,351
- What?
- I murdered him!
435
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:28,977
Like "murdered" murdered him?
436
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,480
Well, I didn't murder of crows him.
437
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,733
He took too many bathroom breaks
and encouraged the other employees
438
00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:36,485
to take bathroom breaks as well.
439
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:40,072
And you're not worried it's going
to get out that you killed an employee?
440
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,532
Like in the video
we're shooting right now?
441
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,954
Didn't you hear? Congress just passed
a bill legalizing murder if you're rich.
442
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,915
- No, they didn't... Oh, my God, they did!
- What?
443
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,518
Hold on. Just because it passed
the House doesn't mean the Senate will...
444
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:53,543
Really, Diane?
445
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,146
Okay, but the president could still veto...
446
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:56,338
Really, Diane?
447
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,590
All right, sure, but the Supreme Court.
Okay, I get it.
448
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,550
Look, don't take it so hard.
449
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:05,305
If you wanna do something about it,
just make a billion dollars and murder me!
450
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,932
[both cackle]
451
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:10,936
Barbara, let's make sure they get
a nice Whitewhale Company gift bag
452
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,230
- on their way out.
- [sputters]
453
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,194
Well, we can still post the video.
454
00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,321
Why?
455
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:26,743
Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels.
It's been real.
456
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,663
Yeah. It's been real.
457
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,601
I'm not gonna beg you to stay,
if that's what you're waiting for.
458
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:36,729
I'm not waiting for anything.
459
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:40,882
I'm not that guy who says, "Diane,
please don't go, I'm in love with you.
460
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,176
Stay here in Chicago
and write your book of essays
461
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,886
and come with me to baseball games.
462
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:48,335
They've got a pretty good theater scene
here and a big shiny bean and you could...
463
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,432
[sighs]
464
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:51,727
You could be so happy
in your warm winter coat."
465
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,855
- I don't need you to say...
- I'm not gonna be that guy, all right?
466
00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:58,859
But if you wanted to stay, I could
make things so good for you, Diane.
467
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,237
- Listen...
- No, no, I get it.
468
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,531
No, listen. Guy.
469
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:08,577
I feel so shitty all the time.
470
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:14,624
I feel like the whole world is pushing in
on me, except for when I'm with you.
471
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,712
You have been such a good thing for me.
472
00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:24,509
But I can't be with you
if you're the only good thing in my life.
473
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:27,054
It's too much pressure. I'm sorry.
474
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,183
- Diane! Don't get on that train!
- [scoffs]
475
00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:34,353
- Guy, I just told you...
- I know, but you're going to the airport.
476
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,876
That train's going to Cottage Grove,
you're gonna get screwed!
477
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:38,690
Oh, no.
478
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:44,279
[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane,
it was Beverly's last day yesterday.
479
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:48,033
Everyone is real excited for her,
but she spent the whole day sulking
480
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:51,161
because she never found out
who her secret admirer was.
481
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,247
Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying,
so finally I just say,
482
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,541
"It was me! I'm in love with you!"
483
00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,379
And she goes,
"Oh. I was hoping it was Mario."
484
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,589
And then she starts crying.
485
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:07,260
And everyone looks at me like, "Way to go,
you made Beverly cry on her last day".
486
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,527
So, the thing I keep thinking about is...
487
00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:14,101
was it worth it for Beverly to be happy
for a little bit,
488
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,186
even though it ended up sad?
489
00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:18,749
Or would it have been better
if the whole thing never happened?
490
00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:20,732
Every time someone leaves rehab...
491
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,402
it makes you think
about your own progress.
492
00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,297
Some days it feels like you're not
progressing at all, other days you think,
493
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,948
"Well, maybe a little."
494
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,871
The main thing I think about
is how stupid I am
495
00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:31,451
that I didn't do this sooner.
496
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,788
I wasted so many years being miserable
because I assumed
497
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,706
that was the only way to be.
498
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:39,042
But I don't wanna do that anymore.
499
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:43,380
Also, am I crazy or have I gotten
really good at writing letters?
500
00:23:43,463 --> 00:23:44,714
[sighs]
501
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,425
This is BoJack, by the way.
502
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:50,178
- [phone beeps]
- [line ringing]
503
00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,973
- Hey.
- Hey.
504
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,518
I was thinking about these grilled cheese
sandwiches I used to make,
505
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,145
back when I first moved to LA.
506
00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,896
- What?
- I was dirt-broke
507
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,107
and I had no friends and no job,
508
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,735
and I got obsessed with perfecting
the art of the grilled cheese sandwich.
509
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,704
- Makes sense.
- Partly because it was cheap,
510
00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,948
but also because while I was doing it,
511
00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:12,409
I wasn't thinking about how depressing
my life was.
512
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,492
Okay.
513
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,662
So, on the plane I was thinking,
514
00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,789
I should make
another grilled cheese sandwich
515
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:21,251
because I haven't in a long time,
but I love them
516
00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:24,296
and they always make me feel better
about things.
517
00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:25,898
- Look, Diane, I gotta...
- And the thing about
518
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:31,219
making your own grilled cheese sandwich
is you can do it anywhere. You know?
519
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,304
Yeah?
520
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:36,349
Yeah.
So, I guess that's another good thing.
521
00:24:40,187 --> 00:24:45,942
♪ I lost my way on a trip
Meant for two ♪
522
00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:51,656
♪ We left our hearts
In a suitcase unused ♪
523
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:58,705
♪ High above Chicago
I'll be home tomorrow ♪