1
00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:13,013
...and they even let the birthday boy
pilot the airplane!
2
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,056
There were no survivors.
3
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,518
In other news, the newly formed
Hollywoo "Guild of Assistants"
4
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,895
is meeting with industry
power brokers today
5
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,815
to negotiate terms
for a standard agreement.
6
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:27,277
I'm optimistic about the coming talks
and confident we can avoid a strike.
7
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,987
Our demands are reasonable,
8
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,531
and our services
are crucial to this industry.
9
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,116
All right, you little pishers,
10
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:37,245
let's wrap this up quick so you can all
go back to getting me wrong coffees.
11
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,039
- What do you want?
- We have one request.
12
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,623
To not be treated like garbage.
13
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,543
It appears we are at an impasse.
14
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,297
[people clamoring]
15
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,383
- Where's my dry cleaning?
- Where's my car?
16
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:54,929
I don't know any of my passwords!
What's my mother's maiden name?
17
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:58,349
I'm going into labor!
You need to call my doula!
18
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:04,022
Will somebody please make me
a reservation at Little Dom's?
19
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:05,105
[car alarm blaring]
20
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,816
[theme song playing]
21
00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:01,121
[birds chirping]
22
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:03,832
[groans]
23
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,084
Oh, no. Did I really drink last night?
24
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,128
Doctor Champ, I am so sorry.
I... [stutters]
25
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,547
- Did anyone see me?
- You were in here all night.
26
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,215
Nobody can know about this.
27
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,510
There are 20 struggling addicts
in this building who are counting on me.
28
00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:16,761
[stammers] Of course.
29
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,221
I'm gonna go home, take a shower.
30
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:20,014
- This never happened.
- Agreed.
31
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:23,393
But how do I get out of here
without anyone seeing me?
32
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:24,936
[sighs]
33
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,897
- Whoa!
- Okay, okay, easy.
34
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,441
This requires a surprising amount
of upper-body strength.
35
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,652
Stop swinging. Just slide down.
36
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,404
Am I being inconspicuous?
37
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,197
Yes. Plus or minus the yelling.
38
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,657
- I'm just gonna let go.
- Don't...
39
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,076
- [both scream]
- [BoJack groans]
40
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,787
Thank you, BoJack,
for being there to catch me.
41
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:43,871
Up!
42
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,040
[engine starts]
43
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,293
Ew.
44
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:54,549
"I looked in that case first chance I got
and there was that note still tied there.
45
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,926
That line hadn't touched water
in its life."
46
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,220
"Doesn't mean nothin', Alma."
47
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:02,974
"Don't try and fool me no more, Ennis.
I know what it means.
48
00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,768
Jack Twist, Jack nasty!"
49
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,103
[knocking on door]
50
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,481
The sock puppet players tribute
to Ang Lee will continue after this.
51
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:16,446
- Oh. Hello, Jorge.
- I have some news. It's about your mother.
52
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,532
Oh, is the news that you're marrying her,
53
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,368
inserting yourself into our family
and ruining my life?
54
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:26,206
Because I already heard that news
like 25 years ago, Jorge.
55
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,875
- I didn't come to your home to fight.
- Then joke's on you
56
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,419
because you didn't come to my home at all.
57
00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:34,005
- I just sleep on the couch...
- [Jorge sighs]
58
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,383
- ...since you and Mom gave me the boot.
- That was ten years ago.
59
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,803
Which, by the way,
is the only thing you ever gave me.
60
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,473
I gave you my name,
and you have clearly wasted it.
61
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,558
Do you know what the Chavez name
stands for?
62
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,976
Yes, Jorge.
63
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:52,440
Chavez! C for cerebral!
H for high-minded! A for analytical!
64
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,985
V for veracious! E for efficacious!
65
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,030
And Z for zealously practical.
66
00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:00,698
Feels like a cheat on the Z.
67
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,367
Todd, your mother needs your help.
68
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,285
Well, then instead of sending her husband,
69
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,913
she should have asked me herself,
if it's so important to her.
70
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:09,707
- She's in a coma.
- A rudeness coma?
71
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,459
No, a regular coma.
72
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,587
Oh, my God! Why didn't you open with that?
73
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:16,756
Please. Your mother needs a kidney.
74
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:20,635
I put her on the donor waiting list,
but if you're a match...
75
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,763
Oh. I'm sorry.
Of course I would give Mom my kidney.
76
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:27,058
- Then there's no time to waste...
- "Would" give her my kidney.
77
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,936
"Would." You need to work
on your listening skills.
78
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:32,105
I sold my extra kidney just last week.
79
00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:35,942
- Why?
- I wanted to buy these sock puppets.
80
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:40,363
You sold your kidney for... [groans]
I'm sorry I came.
81
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:41,990
If you'd like to visit your mother...
82
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,034
Wait. What if instead
of visiting my mother,
83
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,661
we got my kidney back?
84
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:50,540
Come on, Ruthie!
Field trip to the organ market!
85
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,417
- [Ruthie coos]
- [groans]
86
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,252
[wind howling]
87
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,379
[dial tone blaring]
88
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:00,717
[thunder rumbles]
89
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,885
Princess Carolyn, this is a catastrophe.
90
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,847
- You know it.
- This strike has shut down the whole city!
91
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,432
Assistants want respect?
92
00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:10,685
If we respect them, how are we supposed
to work through our rage issues?
93
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:13,646
On our spouses and children?
That doesn't seem fair.
94
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,565
There's gotta be a better way!
95
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,027
Uh, maybe we could circumvent
giving the assistants what they want
96
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,154
by giving them what they think they want.
97
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,489
You know, like how we satiate TV creators
98
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,117
by giving them little vanity cards
at the end of episodes,
99
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,245
then sell the shows to streaming networks
that auto-skip the end credits
100
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,456
so no one even sees the vanity cards!
101
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,833
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
But what do assistants want?
102
00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:36,044
iTunes gift cards? Amazon gift cards?
103
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,671
I honestly can't think of another thing
an assistant would want.
104
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,797
When I was an assistant,
105
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,633
the only thing I wanted
was not to be an assistant anymore.
106
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,385
[gasps] Princess Carolyn, I'll say to you
107
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,389
what I said to David Levy
when we were developing
108
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,806
The Addams Family
and brainstorming ancillary characters,
109
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,768
like cousins and whatnot: That's Itt!
110
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:59,317
- [man] Hey! Sad dog!
- Ha-ha! You know it!
111
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,446
Wow. Mr. Peanutbutter
and Joey Pogo in the same room?
112
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:07,367
What is this? Two days ago
when I almost hit you with my car?
113
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,619
[chuckles] No! That was outside!
114
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,954
Listen, I've been trying
to get in touch with you.
115
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,499
I got a call from this mental health
advocacy group.
116
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,585
Those guys are jizzin' their pants
over your heroic admission
117
00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:18,988
of your struggle with depression,
118
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,464
and they wanna help you
share your story with the world.
119
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,799
The world, huh?
120
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:26,219
I wanted to set up a meeting,
but my assistant went on strike,
121
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,430
and phones, for me, are, like, what?
122
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,700
Even if you had your assistant,
it wouldn't do any good.
123
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,726
My reps' assistants
are all on strike, too.
124
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,813
Oh, bummer. Guess there's no way
to get in touch then.
125
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,607
Too bad. I'd love to get together.
126
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,861
Goodbye, fancy room.
127
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,531
Goodbye, chair. Goodbye, Stinky Susan.
128
00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:47,657
Huh? [sniffs]
129
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,452
- Where to?
- Um...
130
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:53,746
Home, I... I guess.
131
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,046
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey! Stop the car. Let me out here.
132
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,173
Wow, already stopping for a drink?
133
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,217
Thank you,
your commentary is very helpful.
134
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,344
- Five stars, though, right?
- [groans]
135
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,515
[slurps]
136
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:13,641
[inhales, exhales]
137
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,017
[sighs]
138
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,270
- Doctor Champ, what are you doing?
- Okay.
139
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,982
This mood about "never have another drop
of alcohol again?"
140
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,460
- Are we sure about this?
- Okay, Doctor Champ, clearly, you...
141
00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:26,070
I'm sitting here, like,
whatever happened to moderation, buddy?
142
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,905
So, you're telling me
the guiding philosophy
143
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:32,201
of the six months of rehab
I just paid for is complete bullshit?
144
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,537
Hey, man, it works for you,
it works for you.
145
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,915
As for me? Uh, check, please!
146
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,293
No, that's a figure of speech.
I don't want the check.
147
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,962
Please replenish me with another mar-gar.
148
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,175
["Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" plays]
149
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,679
- [bell ringing]
- Howdy, howdy!
150
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,390
Welcome to Mike and Morgan's
House of Organs!
151
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,393
We handle all your matters,
from keyboards to bladders.
152
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,895
Mike, give it a rest.
153
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,940
- What's with all the boxes?
- We're going out of business.
154
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:03,941
Oh, no!
155
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,569
I told you
we should just stick to the pianos.
156
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,197
You wanted to expand into body parts.
157
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,990
You printed the sign that said,
158
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:14,452
"For all your organ needs."
I was just trying to keep us honest.
159
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,746
Judging from the foolishness
of your business plan,
160
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,247
I assume you don't keep records,
161
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,100
but we're trying to track down
my son's kidney.
162
00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:20,958
Oh...
163
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:25,546
Sorry, all our kidneys went to Chicago.
Jeremiah Whitewhale bought us out.
164
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:26,506
- [gasps]
- [organ plays]
165
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,926
- Of Whitewhale Industries? Why?
- He's stockpiling organs
166
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,970
because he's a rich old guy
who wants to live forever.
167
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,222
[organ plays]
168
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:35,973
Oh, no!
169
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:39,185
Well, this was a pointless excursion.
I'm heading back to the hospital.
170
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,062
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
171
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:44,899
No. It's my fault
for expecting anything different.
172
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,817
- [door opens, closes]
- [groans]
173
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:48,789
Can we offer you anything on your way out?
174
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,530
You want a Wurlitzer or a spleen
175
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,699
or an industrial-sized tub
of general anesthesia?
176
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,119
Yeah, give me the anesthesia.
177
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,431
[Diane] You could sneak in
during the party
178
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:02,333
as long as nobody's estranged husband
who's a cop is visiting.
179
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:03,876
Holiday party, huh?
180
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,629
- What? Where am I?
- You're in Chicago!
181
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,298
- Hi, I'm Diane. This is Guy.
- How you doin'?
182
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,568
Oh! Are you ready for introductions
or are you still processing
183
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,970
the whole being kidnapped
across state lines?
184
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,221
I'm sorry, what?
185
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,348
We're breaking
into the Whitewhale building.
186
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,892
- Why?
- To get back my kidney and save Mom
187
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,770
and prove to you
that I'm not just a wacky screw-up
188
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:26,065
who engages primarily
in goofy whimsical mess-arounds.
189
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,901
- How did you get me on the plane?
- We did a Weekend at Bernie's.
190
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,239
- [groans]
- As I was saying,
191
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:35,408
tonight's the Whitewhale
employee holiday party.
192
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:38,119
Security will be tight, but you can use
my employee ID to get in,
193
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:39,962
because I'm technically
still on the payroll.
194
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,290
Wait, you didn't quit?
We haven't worked there in months.
195
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,584
Nobody's noticed!
They keep sending me checks.
196
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:48,170
Cashing them is my way of very gradually
taking down the man from the inside.
197
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:52,300
Hey. C... can we sidebar for a minute?
Is this really the best use of your time?
198
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,223
You've been beating yourself up
about how slowly the book's going. So...
199
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,431
But the book is about me
and my life, so by living my life,
200
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,308
I am in fact working on the book.
201
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,411
You don't have to write this book
if you don't want to.
202
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,436
Of course I want to.
203
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:06,564
Okay. I'm just saying, since you started,
you've been pretty down.
204
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,567
- Not yourself. Diane...
- Actually, pretty down is myself.
205
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,569
Can we talk about this later?
We're being rude.
206
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:13,738
Why don't you offer them
one of your fancy beers?
207
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:17,658
So, all we need to do
is get into the party,
208
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,954
figure out where the kidneys are,
find my kidney, and sneak out,
209
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,165
all without drawing attention
to ourselves.
210
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,876
And be careful, because
if Jeremiah Whitewhale catches you,
211
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,461
he can legally murder you.
212
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,630
Now, can I get anyone an imperial stout?
213
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,758
The barley was from Portland, Maine,
but the brewery is in Portland, Oregon!
214
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,134
This plan is ludicrous.
215
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,470
Hey, maybe instead
of criticizing everything
216
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,306
like you've done my entire life,
you can get on board?
217
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,432
It's gonna work out.
218
00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:43,643
Things don't just work out, Todd!
219
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,604
Of course they do!
I don't know why you're so negative!
220
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:47,897
Do you want to help Mom,
221
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,858
or do you wanna just go back
to the hospital and wait?
222
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:54,153
[sighs] Okay. I'm in.
223
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:56,529
[thunder rumbling]
224
00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,451
I don't feel comfortable negotiating
without my fellow assistants present.
225
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:01,861
Yeah. This is not about that.
226
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,871
Good, because our demands haven't changed.
227
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:08,209
Casey, it's been so thrilling to see you
grow into your role as strike captain.
228
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:12,880
[gasps] You know, there's an opening
at my company for a development exec.
229
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,548
I don't suppose you'd be interested?
230
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,175
Oh! Uh...
231
00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:18,552
I'd have to think about it.
I've never rea...
232
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,221
You'd get overpaid to read scripts,
233
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:23,057
company credit card,
and a parking spot in the good garage.
234
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,685
- Um...
- Plus, your own assistant.
235
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,188
- An... assistant?
- [thunder rumbling]
236
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:32,441
- That is, of course, if the strike ends.
- [giggles]
237
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,861
Well, that's a very generous offer,
238
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,030
but I'd have to talk it over
with my colleagues.
239
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,116
Why? Those are assistants.
240
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,494
You're not one of them anymore.
You're one of us.
241
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:45,830
It's a two-year contract.
242
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,207
Sign right there
and your troubles are over.
243
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,585
[breathes heavily, exhales]
244
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:52,503
[thunder strikes]
245
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,797
[groans, shrieks]
246
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,261
[both cackling]
247
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,638
- [Ruthie giggles]
- What's so funny?
248
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,349
I was just remembering a funny joke,
unrelated to this.
249
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,809
Can you tell me what it is?
250
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,811
You wouldn't get it.
It's about Zsa Zsa Gabor,
251
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,021
and it's no longer appropriate
in today's climate.
252
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,291
You've made the right decision.
You're gonna love the new job.
253
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:15,776
- Welcome to the team, Stacey.
- It's Case...
254
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,030
[both] Hmm...
255
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,410
Hey! [grunts]
256
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,579
Sign here to run development
257
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:30,499
for Saoirse Ronan's production company,
Saoirse and Rescue.
258
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:33,460
[Turteltaub] Mm-hmm.
259
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,381
I can't be an assistant anymore!
260
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,675
Shirley MacLaine threw a cactus at my head
261
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,762
because I set a meeting
with the wrong Steve McQueen!
262
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:46,265
How was I supposed to know
she meant the dead one? [cries]
263
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:50,644
Shh. It's okay. Just sign here
and orchestrate your own great escape.
264
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,939
[Princess Carolyn chuckles]
265
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:55,858
[Turteltaub] Ooh.
266
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,905
[car horns honking]
267
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,573
Okay, I'm going in.
268
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:05,493
Todd, promise me
you'll be perspicacious in there.
269
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,911
Perspicacious?
270
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,205
- I don't know the meaning of the word.
- [sighs]
271
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,001
- You're Diane?
- Yes!
272
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,961
- Nguyen?
- That is correct!
273
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,546
I find that hard to believe.
274
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,298
Wow, that's racist.
275
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:21,967
People don't always
look like their last names.
276
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:26,305
For example, I'm white,
and my last name is Chavez.
277
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,265
I thought your last name was Nguyen.
278
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,937
- Oh! Uh, yeah, it is! Todd Nguyen.
- Not Diane Nguyen?
279
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,897
Oh, yeah! Diane Nguyen.
280
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:39,443
That's me, all right,
or my name isn't Todd Chavez.
281
00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:41,570
Well, that was a bust.
282
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,574
Okay, this time,
you're Diane and I'll be Jorge.
283
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,742
Todd, get in the trash can.
284
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:51,789
I know I'm a disappointment to you,
but I do not live in a trash can, Jorge,
285
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,416
and I haven't for several years now! Hey!
286
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,501
[both grunting]
287
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,129
[speaking in Spanish]
288
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,131
Uh... What? Sorry, I...
289
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,635
Oh. No Español? [speaking in Spanish]
290
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,514
Uh... go ahead.
291
00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:10,558
[indistinct chatter]
292
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:17,731
- Wow, that was amazing!
- No. That was logical and straightforward.
293
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:24,905
- Another club soda, please.
- [Doctor Champ] Nerd!
294
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,615
Doctor Champ, what is your plan?
295
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,576
Just gotta drink enough to be steady.
296
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:31,328
Then, you take me back to Pastiches
and keep me out of trouble.
297
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:34,999
That way, you don't have to go home
and I can be a good therapy horse.
298
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:39,086
All my clients get sober, I am a winner,
put my picture on a magazine. [slurps]
299
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,547
Look, I can't let you go back there drunk.
300
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:46,051
You don't care about me!
You're scared of this guy.
301
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,389
You can't help anybody else
unless you're honest with yourself.
302
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,017
- Know what I mean?
- No. I never know what you mean.
303
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,935
In fact, maybe I wouldn't be so scared
304
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,179
if you'd given me real therapy
over the last six months
305
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,523
instead of just plying me
with folksy aphorisms.
306
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,776
I'm not a therapist! I'm a therapy horse,
307
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,570
a subtle but legally
important distinction.
308
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,323
Besides, you wouldn't accept
real therapy from me.
309
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,406
Oh, and why's that?
310
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:11,076
Gee, I don't know,
maybe because I'm a horse,
311
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,400
so I remind you of your father,
312
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,789
so you simultaneously resent me
and crave my approval,
313
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,625
an approval which,
ironically, if granted...
314
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,168
Yeah, I would dismiss immediately
315
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,897
and then use as an excuse to resent you
even more, what's your point?
316
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:26,050
My point is, you're stunted from having
healthy relationships with horses, idiot!
317
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,718
Oh, really? Well, if that were true,
318
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,970
I would have almost
no other horses in my life.
319
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,222
Right, it's almost as if all your friends
320
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,142
and loved ones
are humans or dogs or cats...
321
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,561
But then how do you explain
the one horse I do care about,
322
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,230
my half-sister Hollyhock,
who is also a reminder of my father?
323
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:43,275
If your theory were true,
wouldn't I keep her at arms' length,
324
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,921
desperate for her to love me
but unwilling to be vulnerable enough
325
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:46,862
to allow her to hurt me?
326
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,073
You blockhead, she's not your father!
327
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,160
Hollyhock reminds you
of the horse you hate the most. Yourself!
328
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,453
Okay, you got me!
329
00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:57,331
My parents gave me an internalized
self-hatred of horses.
330
00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,125
So, my horse body is a prison
that I can never escape.
331
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,752
This manifests in rotten behavior
332
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:04,254
because I subconsciously believe
I deserve to be punished,
333
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,383
but being famous, I'm never punished,
so I act out even more.
334
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,094
And since this pattern
is so woven into my identity,
335
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:14,181
it is unfathomable to me that it can
ever be curbed, so instead, I drink!
336
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,183
Uh... Check, please!
337
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,995
So, the only way I can progress
is to return to my life as a sober man
338
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:22,064
and finally hold myself accountable
for my actions, past and future.
339
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,483
Oh, my God, is this what therapy is?
340
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,318
Why do you keep bringing me checks?
341
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,402
[glasses clanking]
342
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:30,030
Uh... Doctor Champ?
343
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,324
[elevator dings]
344
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,284
Wow.
345
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,661
- Sorry, folks!
- [both gasp]
346
00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,079
This floor's off-limits.
347
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,831
- Oh, but...
- Oh, thank God you're here!
348
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,583
I saw someone at the buffet
putting ketchup on a hot dog.
349
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,461
- What? Not in my town!
- [keys jangling]
350
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:45,754
[elevator dings]
351
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,465
- Wow, you are really good at this.
- Let's go.
352
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:51,927
[gasps] Ooh, wow. Hmm.
353
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:57,766
Oh, look. People who selected kidneys
might also enjoy small intestines.
354
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,686
Just the kidney. We don't need
to be up-sold on other innards.
355
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:02,021
Yes, sir.
356
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,272
[beeps]
357
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,067
Thank you for... [clears throat] this.
358
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,487
Uh. Once your mother is okay,
we will never bother you again.
359
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,157
- I know that's what you want.
- Why would I want that?
360
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:18,704
- You never understood me.
- I raised you as my own flesh.
361
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,498
I was tough on you
because I expected big things from you.
362
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,083
You weren't tough. You were mean.
363
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,169
- Because the world is mean!
- Not my world!
364
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,129
I wanted so much for you, Todd.
365
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:31,425
I wanted to push you to be your best self.
I see now that I failed you.
366
00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:34,303
But you didn't fail me
because I am not a failure.
367
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,180
Look... [sighs] Okay, Todd.
368
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,476
Why do you need to be proud of me
on your terms?
369
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,229
Why can't you see I'm living a good life?
I have friends. I have a job...
370
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:47,066
You sleep on the couch
and you play with puppets all day.
371
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:50,027
I'm happy, Jorge.
What more do you want from me?
372
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,612
I want to know that you're okay!
373
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:54,031
Then why haven't you called in ten years?
374
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:57,117
You don't think I wanted to?
I'm not the one who...
375
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,869
- What?
- [Jorge exhales]
376
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,663
She loves you, your mother.
377
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,125
But she's very proud.
If you called her, she would talk to you.
378
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:09,046
Well, she can't talk now
because she's in a coma, right?
379
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,464
[sighs] Yeah.
380
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,385
What are they talking about?
381
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,434
- Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
- [keys beeping]
382
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,809
[groans] Chavezes! You got company!
383
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,477
Get out of there now! Do you read me?
384
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,479
[Diane on radio] Hello? Hello?
385
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,482
Diane? Why is there a walkie-talkie
in our kitchen?
386
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,067
- God damn it!
- [man] Uh...
387
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,196
Excuse me? This garage
is for shopping center customers only.
388
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,406
[groans] Okay, fine, I'll buy a pretzel.
389
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:39,576
- Or you could just leave.
- No, now I want the pretzel.
390
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:43,163
[Guy] Hey, Diane, get me a pretzel,
too, please. Love you, okay?
391
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,874
[Jorge gasps] Someone's coming.
We have to go.
392
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,751
I'm not going until I get my kidney.
393
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,254
- Todd, this is serious.
- Yes, I understand.
394
00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:51,588
You are very serious.
395
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,675
You read serious books
and listen to Sirius XM.
396
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:55,884
We have to go right now.
397
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,929
- Hey!
- Why do you always fight me?
398
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,849
Why do you always try
to make me leave places?
399
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:02,850
- [man] Hey!
- [both gasp]
400
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,434
Stay right where you are!
401
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,230
- Whoa! [exhales]
- [grumbles]
402
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:10,566
Um...
403
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:12,442
[sighs]
404
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,070
[groans]
405
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:21,285
Uh, I'm sure the other assistants
will be here any minute.
406
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:23,370
Traffic's real bad because of the rain.
407
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,247
No one else is coming, Stuart.
408
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,375
- Uh... because of the rain?
- They got promoted.
409
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,501
Your ranks are divided.
410
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,296
Your leadership has abandoned you.
Face it, the strike is over.
411
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,965
Whoa. Okay.
412
00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:36,758
We've drawn up a new collective agreement.
413
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,571
You get none of the things you asked for
and you start work again Monday.
414
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,804
Sounds fair.
415
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,308
If I sign this, does that mean
I get a promotion, too?
416
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:47,644
- Sure, Stuart. Someday.
- [gasps]
417
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,231
[Marv] Princess Carolyn,
I'd love to give you a raise,
418
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,941
but you're thinking like an assistant.
419
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:58,238
Any day now, you're gonna get promoted
to agent and sign a brand-new contract,
420
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:02,451
so why are you concerning yourself
with these assistantly trifles?
421
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,912
You really think I have
what it takes to be an agent?
422
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:08,749
Someday, sure!
But for now, you're my assistant,
423
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:10,626
and since you've got a similar build
424
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,212
to the angry lady
I fell on at the post office,
425
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:19,009
I need you to try on these apology bikinis
and report back where they pinch.
426
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,053
- [groans]
- You got it, boss.
427
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:22,678
[gasps] Oh.
428
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,891
- [Stuart] Um...
- Stuart, don't sign that!
429
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:28,560
I just remembered
there's a typo on page 12!
430
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,688
Instead of "billable hours,"
I wrote, "Billy Bob showers!"
431
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,357
Ooh, that's not gonna fly, P.C.
432
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,859
That guy hasn't showered since Bad Santa.
433
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,779
Man Who Wasn't There?
More like "Man Who Doesn't Wash There."
434
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,822
Sling Blade? More like "Please Bathe!"
435
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:45,118
Monster's Ball? More like "Monster Balls."
Great actor, though.
436
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,620
Let me fix up a new version
437
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,413
and you can come back
and sign it tomorrow.
438
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,957
I'll walk you to your car.
439
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,380
Well, this is my car.
440
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,632
- Really?
- No. I don't own a car.
441
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:00,926
[scoffs] So why did we walk
three blocks in the rain?
442
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:04,429
I panicked! I've never been in charge
of where to go before!
443
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:07,099
You're clearly out of your depth
in these negotiations.
444
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,308
Take this number.
445
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,728
Wow. This a lot of money,
Princess Carolyn.
446
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,523
That's not an offer, it's a phone number!
447
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:16,441
Oh...
448
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,279
- Can you drive me home?
- [sighs]
449
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,574
- Officer, I...
- Sir, did this man attack you?
450
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,994
- What? No.
- You can tell me if he attacked you.
451
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:31,498
- Hey! Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
- Look, this is all a misunderstanding.
452
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:34,084
I'm just trying to take
this kidney back to my mom.
453
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:37,879
Whitewhale's got like a hundred of these.
He won't even miss this one.
454
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,757
Well, aren't you a little scamp.
455
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,467
- [both laugh]
- Oh, stop!
456
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,719
What?
457
00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:51,476
Armageddon? More like "Arma-gettin'
Away From This Stinky Guy!"
458
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,770
What the...? Hey, who's in my chair?
459
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,732
Mr. Turteltaub,
I thought our meeting was at 9 a.m.
460
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,775
- It appears to be 9:03.
- [sighs] Hello.
461
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,069
If you're serious about negotiating,
462
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,655
it's imprudent to send the message
you don't respect our time.
463
00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:05,866
To start these negotiations
on the right foot,
464
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,428
I suggest we adjourn for the day
and start in earnest tomorrow.
465
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,871
- On schedule?
- Um...
466
00:22:11,204 --> 00:22:13,707
- Okay?
- Fabulous. Princess Carolyn.
467
00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:14,833
Judah.
468
00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:19,004
- What the shell was that?
- Let the negotiations begin.
469
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:29,723
[clears throat]
Todd, I, uh... owe you an apology.
470
00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:31,975
- Oh?
- [inhales, exhales]
471
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:35,771
I know I was hard on you
when you were growing up,
472
00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,397
but I was trying to protect you.
473
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,274
Nothing came easy for me.
474
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:43,487
It took hard work, focus, discipline
to get me where I am today.
475
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,906
Things didn't just work out.
476
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:49,326
But I should have realized: you're white.
477
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:51,495
I forgive you.
478
00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:52,579
She's awake.
479
00:22:52,662 --> 00:22:56,416
Do you wanna come say hello?
I'm sure she would love to see you.
480
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,044
Well, she has my number.
481
00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:01,171
- That's cold, Todd.
- What do you expect?
482
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,090
I'm a Chavez, right?
483
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,550
Hmm...
484
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,889
[groans]
485
00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:13,850
- Huh? Where am I?
- You're at Partridges,
486
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,019
the rehab clinic
founded by Danny Bonaduce.
487
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,855
- What about Pastiches?
- I told them I was checking you in here.
488
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:19,940
Why would you do that?
489
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:22,150
Those people need me
to be an example of success.
490
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,070
You can't help anybody else
unless you're honest with yourself.
491
00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,031
- A wise man told me that.
- Who? What wise man?
492
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:30,242
You did.
I was being poetic and you ruined it.
493
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:32,452
Well, don't listen to me. I'm a drunk!
494
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:34,788
Yeah. But the first step is admitting it.
495
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:38,583
You've destroyed me.
I can never go back to Pastiches now.
496
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,460
My husband will leave me.
497
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:43,713
I promised him I would never drink again
after what happened to our daughter.
498
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,882
Uh... What happened to your daughter?
499
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:49,970
You know nothing of my life
and you think you know what's best for me?
500
00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:52,139
The only reason I got drunk
in the first place
501
00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:54,015
is because of your contraband vodka!
502
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,185
- Well, yes, technically, that's true.
- Of course you did this to me.
503
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,312
Because I cared about you.
504
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:02,065
And you ruin people who care about you.
505
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,109
[exhales] Well, best of luck.
506
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:08,780
I want you to remember this, BoJack.
I want you to remember what you did to me.
507
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:14,494
I remember everything. I'm sober now.
508
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,621
[melancholic music playing]
509
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:19,666
[grunts]
510
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:38,935
[inhales, grunts]
511
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,688
[keys jangling]
512
00:24:41,771 --> 00:24:44,357
[sighs]
513
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:53,867
♪ Back in the '90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪
514
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:58,330
- ♪ I'm BoJack the horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪
515
00:24:58,413 --> 00:25:02,876
♪ BoJack the horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪
516
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,424
♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪
517
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:14,095
♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪
518
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:18,225
♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪
519
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:21,561
♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪
520
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:26,816
♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
521
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,193
♪ BoJack ♪