>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN
ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE
TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS -
JOHN OLIVER, SAM SMITH,
COMEDIAN FAHIM ANWAR AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1781
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW! I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU RIGHT BACK! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ENJOY YOURSELVES, EVERYBODY. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW. YOU'RE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "THE TONIGHT SHOW," YOU MADE
IT LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS
WELL, GUYS, TODAY THE U.S. HIT THE DEBT CEILING, WHICH MEANS
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CAN'T BORROW ANY MORE MONEY.
YEP. RIGHT NOW, THE U.S. IS
$31 TRILLION IN DEBT THE COUNTRY'S SO STRAPPED FOR
CASH, GEORGE SANTOS IS EMAILING PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE
A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT ALSO, TO MAKE SOME EXTRA MONEY,
IT'S NOW CALLED THE GILLETTE MACH THREE WASHINGTON MONUMENT
WHICH I THINK IS - [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT REPUBLICANS SAY THEY WON'T RAISE THE DEBT CEILING UNLESS
THERE ARE DRASTIC SPENDING CUTS
THEY EVEN WANT US TO SWITCH OUR NUKES TO STORE BRAND URANIUM
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, COME ON.
TODAY, TREASURY SECRETARY JANET YELLEN SAID EXTRAORDINARY
MEASURES ARE BEING TAKEN TO KEEP THE GOVERNMENT'S BILLS
PAID WHICH EXPLAINS WHY TONIGHT
MITCH McCONNELL STARTED AN ONLYFANS
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHIP IN.
TODAY PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID HE WAS GONNA HAVE A GARAGE SALE,
BUT HIS GARAGE IS A CRIME SCENE, SO -- IT'S JUST LIKE --
[ LAUGHTER ] [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
HE CAN'T - [ RIMSHOT
SPEAKING OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, FORMER PRESIDENT
TRUMP HAS NOW CLAIMED THAT HE NEVER TOOK ANY, JUST THE EMPTY
FOLDERS THE DOCUMENTS WERE IN BECAUSE THEY WERE "COOL
KEEPSAKES. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, BECAUSE THERE'S NO COOLER KEEPSAKE THAN A MANILA FOLDER.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE, THAT'S -- "COOL KEEPSAKES.
TRUMP TAKES CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS THE WAY WE TAKE
SHAMPOO FROM OUR HOTEL ROOMS, LIKE -
[ LAUGHTER ] ALWAYS NICE TO PICK UP A LITTLE
REMINDER FROM THAT TIME YOU WERE THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS A GIFT
SHOP, MAN. I MEAN, YOU DON'T GO AROUND
GRABBING STUFF LIKE YOU'RE ON "SUPERMARKET SWEEP," YOU KNOW?
JUST TAKING STUFF. [ LAUGHTER ]
IN FAIRNESS, WHEN TRUMP SEES THE WORD CLASSIFIED, HE THINKS
IT JUST MEANS THE THING HAS BEEN MADE MORE CLASSY.
[ LAUGHTER ] "THAT CASINO WAS A DUMP 'TIL I
CLASSIFIED THE JOINT AND NOW, IT'S VERY CLASSY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT
THIS - UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKYY
SAID THAT HE ISN'T SURE IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS STILL ALIVE.
RIGHT NOW, 20 RUSSIAN OFFICIALS ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE
TABLE LIKE, "YOU POKE HIM. "NO, YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ] THEN AN AIDE FELT PUTIN'S
FOREHEAD, HE'S LIKE, "HE'S COLD AND STIFF, SO ALL GOOD
HE'S GREAT." [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS SEE THIS? AT JFK AIRPORT HERE IN
NEW YORK, A JETBLUE PLANE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO
ANOTHER JETBLUE PLANE THAT WAS PARKED ON THE RUNWAY
EVERYONE'S OKAY, AND JETBLUE HAS EVEN RELEASED AN APOLOGY
HERE IT IS LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR OUR
RECENT MISSTEP WE TAKE THE SAFETY OF OUR
PASSENGERS VERY SERIOUSLY, AND THIS KIND OF CARELESS ACCIDENT
WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
AT LEAST WE AREN'T SPIRIT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WOW. AND THAT'S -
>> Steve: INDEED [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THEN -- THEN SPIRIT SAW JETBLUE'S VIDEO, AND
RELEASED THEIR OWN RESPONSE. CHECK THIS OUT
APPRECIATE THE BASELESS FINGER-POINTING AND MUDSLINGING
THAT CERTAIN AIRLINES FIND ACCEPTABLE
WE PROMISE TO NEVER SINK TO THEIR LEVEL, BECAUSE AT THE END
OF THE DAY, AT LEAST WE AREN'T SOUTHWEST.
[ LAUGHTER >> Jimmy: THIS IS -- THIS IS -
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT. WELL, SOUTHWEST SAW SPIRIT'S
VIDEO. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: AND THEY RELEASED
THEIR OWN. WATCH THIS
UNDERSTAND THE CRITICISM WE'VE RECENTLY RECEIVED.
DO WE MAKE MISTAKES? SURE
BUT WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, AT LEAST WE AREN'T SOUTHWEST
WAIT, NO >> Jimmy: THAT -- WELL -
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [ RIM SHOT ]
[ CHEERS ] HEY, I JUST SAW THAT INSTAGRAM
JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE CALLED "QUIET MODE," WHICH
HELPS USERS FOCUS BY PAUSING ALL NOTIFICATIONS FROM THE APP
YEAH, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. YOU SET YOUR INSTAGRAM TO QUIET
MODE THEN A FRIEND TEXTS YOU, "HEY,
DID YOU SEE THAT THING I SENT YOU ON INSTAGRAM?"
[ LAUGHTER ] SOME MORE BUSINESS NEWS, PARTY
CITY JUST FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
YEAH, APPARENTLY THEY JUST COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH
INFLATION, WEAK SALES, AND THE RISING PRICE OF HELIUM
IT IS TOUGH NEWS LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW IT'S
GOING OVER AT PARTY CITY HEADQUARTERS
>> Jimmy: WELL, DALE, LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD
THE PRICE OF HELIUM'S JUST WAY TOO HIGH
>> Tariq: IT'S TERRIBLE, DOUG. WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS, I
SHRIEKED >> Jimmy: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I MEAN, WE EXPANDED TOO FAST, AND IT ALL JUST WENT POP
>> Tariq: AND NOW, IT'S ALL COMING TO A SCREECHING HALT.
>> Jimmy: WELL, I GUESS WE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
[ HISSING [ SQUEAKING
IT'S A SAD DAY [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Tariq: I'M DEVASTATED >> Jimmy: I WAS WAITING FOR
A SPECIAL OCCASION TO DO THIS, BUT --
>> Tariq: IS THAT A CIGAR? >> Jimmy: SURE
>> Tariq: WAIT, NO [ EXPLOSION
>> Jimmy: OH, TERRIBLE OH
[ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S TERRIBLE.
>> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: WOW.
>> Steve: THEY WERE BLONDE THEY WERE ALL BLONDE
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT'S PARTY CITY, MAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
OF COURSE. >> Steve: AND HELIUM SUDDENLY
BECAME FLAMMABLE >> Jimmy: YES, HELIUM'S
FLAMMABLE, VERY, YEAH. SWITCHING GEARS, PETSMART IS
OFFERING TO PAY ONE DOG AND ONE CAT $10,000 TO SERVE AS THE
CHIEF TOY TESTER PRETTY EXCITING OPPORTUNITY.
HERE'S WHAT SOME PETS HAD TO SAY WHEN THEY HEARD THE NEWS
THIS DOG SAID, "CHIEF TOY TESTER
OOH, PICK ME, PICK ME! THIS NEXT DOG SAID, "I'VE BEEN
A GOOD BOY, SO I WANT THE GOOD TOY!
WOOF, WOOF!" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, THIS CAT SAID, "TOYS?
HEH, YEAH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"I REMEMBER TOYS I USED TO LIKE 'EM, THEN I GREW
UP YOU CAN ONLY CHASE A NEON
FEATHER AROUND SO MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU REALIZE LIFE IS
MEANINGLESS. [ LAUGHTER ]
"LOOK, YOU WANT ME TO BE A TOY TESTER
YOU BETTER ANTE UP AND MAKE IT 50K AND DON'T TALK TO ME
DON'T FORGET, I'M A CAT. I RUN THIS HOUSE, BISH."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHIEF TOY TESTER
SOME MOVIE NEWS, JAMES CAMERON SAID THAT IN THE NEXT "AVATAR"
SEQUEL, THE NARRATOR WILL NO LONGER BE JAKE SULLY, BUT
SOMEONE ELSE WELL, THEY'RE TRYING OUT NEW
NARRATORS NOW, AND WE GOT A SNEAK PEEK OF THE AUDITIONS.
YEP, THERE'S SOME FAMILIAR FACES HERE
CHECK THIS OUT >> LOOK AT THOSE BLUE GUYS
HORSING AROUND IN THE SWIMMING HOLE
YOU KNOW, I WENT TO A HIGH SCHOOL WITH A NA'VI.
WE CALLED HIM BLUEY. HE WAS 10 FEET TALL.
TOOK OUR BASKETBALL TEAM TO THE STATE, BUT WE GOT DISQUALIFIED
BECAUSE OF HIS GILLS >> WOW
OH, GOSH, THESE FISH THEY'RE TRYING TO MURDER ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THESE
HERE NA'VI AND THE WATER, IS PROFOUND AND STIRRING.
MUCH LIKE MARMALADE ON A WARM BISCUIT.
>> WOW-E-WOW I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE AMAZING
SCENERY AND NA'VI PEOPLE LIKE FOR PART TWO.
>> THE NA'VI SWIM PEACEFULLY UNDERWATER AS THEY WONDER --
[ CHEERS ] "WHERE ARE THE [ BLEEP ]
PENGUINS?" [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WHAT "WHERE ARE THE PENGUINS?
OH, I HEARD THAT IN AN EFFORT TO REDUCE METHANE EMISSIONS,
ONE DAIRY COMPANY IS PUTTING MASKS AND DIAPERS ON COWS TO
TRAP THEIR FLATULENCE AND BURPS.
SOMEONE DEFINITELY SUGGESTED THIS RIGHT AFTER THE BOSS WAS
LIKE, "REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO DUMB IDEAS, OKAY?"
[ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, A NEW STUDY FOUND
THAT MEN WHO USE VIAGRA ARE MORE LIKELY TO LIVE LONGER
THE WORSE PART, JOE BIDEN IS USING THE NEWS TO REASSURE
EVERYONE THAT HE CAN SERVE ANOTHER TERM
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH
WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
HE IS THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER,"
WHICH RETURNS FOR ITS 10th SEASON SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th ON
HBO AND HBO MAX. JOHN OLIVER IS HERE TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: LOVE HIM
>> Jimmy: FUNNY DUDE PLUS, THEIR NEW ALBUM "GLORIA"
COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY, AND THEY ARE THE MUSICAL GUEST THIS
WEEKEND ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH HOST AUBREY PLAZA
SAM SMITH IS HERE TONIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SOME JAMS. AND WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT COMEDY
FROM FAHIM ANWAR, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR "TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS.
HERE WE GO HASHTAGS *
>> Jimmy: NOW, WE DO THIS THING EVERY WEEK WHERE I SEND OUT
A HASHTAG AND WE ASK YOU GUYS TO RESPOND TO THAT TOPIC
SO, SINCE THE NFL PLAYOFFS ARE IN FULL SWING, I SENT OUT THE
HASHTAG, "MY FOOTBALL SUPERSTITION."
AND I ASKED YOU GUYS TO TWEET OUT YOUR FUNNY OR SILLY
SUPERSTITIONS THAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE GAME
WITHIN MINUTES IT WAS A TRENDING TOPIC IN THE U.S.
SO, THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NOW, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE
SOME OF MY FAVORITE "MY FOOTBALL SUPERSTITION" TWEETS
FROM YOU GUYS. HERE WE GO
THIS FIRST IS FROM @KKPOLLARDKK
SHE SAYS, "WHEN A TEAM GOES TO KICK A FIELD GOAL, EVERYONE IN
MY FAMILY LEANS A PARTICULAR WAY -- LEFT, RIGHT, OR SIT UP
STRAIGHT WE ALL HAVE TO LEAN THE SAME
WAY OR IT CANCELS OUT THE LEAN."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS ONE'S FROM @DAVINPANTS.
>> Steve: DAVINPANTS >> Jimmy: DAVIN -- DAVINPANTS.
HE SAYS, "MY DAD ONLY WEARS ONE SOCK WHEN THE COWBOYS PLAY,
BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING ONE SOCK WHEN THEY WON THE
1996 SUPER BOWL. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WHY? >> Steve: WOW.
- - SOCK. >> Jimmy: WHY WAS HE WEARING
ONE SOCK >> Steve: WHAT HAPPENED THE
NIGHT BEFORE >> Jimmy: YEAH
I HOPE IT WAS A DIFFERENT SOCK THIS ONE'S FROM @ORANGETERRYS.
THEY SAY, "I BET AGAINST MY TEAM
THAT WAY IF THEY WIN, I'M HAPPY, AND IF THEY LOSE, WELL,
I MADE SOME MONEY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
YEAH, SOUNDED GOOD >> Steve: THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
>> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @MOUSEHANDSTAN51
HE SAYS, "IF WE'RE CLOSE TO THE GOAL LINE, I MAKE MY ENTIRE
FAMILY HOLD THEIR ARMS UP IN THE 'IT'S GOOD' POSE UNTIL WE
GET THE TOUCHDOWN. [ APPLAUSE ]
THIS ONE'S FROM @ARARAESTEW. SHE SAYS, "IF OUR TEAM SCORES
A TOUCHDOWN WHILE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN
THERE THE REST OF THE GAME." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
RULES ARE RULES. >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM
>> Steve: I'M GOING OUTSIDE. >> Jimmy: "GET BACK IN THE
BAT'ROOM." THIS ONE'S FROM
@BUDDYCHAMPAGNE. >> Steve: OOH, OH.
>> Jimmy: HE SAYS, "I HAVE TO LICK A FOOTBALL THE ENTIRE TIME
MY TEAM IS KICKING A FIELD GOAL
HAS WORKED EVERY TIME. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S NOT REAL. >> Steve: NO
"IT'S WORKED EVERY TIME" >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> Steve: IT'S NOT A FOOTBALL. >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ]
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHAT IS IT
>> Steve: I DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT A FOOTBALL.
>> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @SMEDEE.
SHE SAYS, "OUR DOG MUST BE WEARING HIS BILLS BANDANA BY
KICKOFF. SINCE HE SLEEPS IN HIS CRATE,
IF HE WANTS TO GO TO BED DURING THE GAME, A FAMILY MEMBER MUST
WEAR THE DOG'S BANDANA UNTIL THE END OF THE GAME.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY SENT A PIC.
LOOK AT THE DOG. THERE --
[ AUDIENCE AWS ] >> Steve: AW
>> Jimmy: HEY, BUD [ APPLAUSE ]
IS THAT A BEER >> Steve: BEER ME.
>> Jimmy: THIS LAST ONE'S FROM THE @ANTHONYDIPERO7.
HE SAYS, "I'M A BROWNS FAN NOTHING WORKS.
AW, THERE YOU HAVE IT. [ APPLAUSE ]
THOSE ARE OUR "TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS."
TO CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR FAVORITES, GO TO
TONIGHTSHOW.COM/HASHTAGS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY
COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
*
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST
TONIGHT, IS THE HOST OF THE EMMY-WINNING SHOW, "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER," WHICH RETURNS FOR ITS 10th
SEASON SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th AT 11:00 P.M. ON HBO AND HBO MAX.
EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME, JOHN OLIVER.
* *
>> SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN
>> Jimmy: THEY DON'T WANT TO SIT DOWN
>> SIT DOWN. >> Jimmy: THEY DON'T WANT TO
SIT DOWN THEY WANT TO STAND UP.
>> THAT IS -- NO, THAT IS UNEARNED
>> Jimmy: NO THAT IS DEFINITELY EARNED.
JOHN OLIVER, IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE
SHOW >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: DID YOU DO ANYTHING FOR THE -- FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
DID YOU GET ANY TIME OFF BEFORE YOU START GOING BACK TO WORK
>> I GOT COVID, DOES THAT COUNT?
>> Jimmy: WOW, NO. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT COUNTS THAT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. >> FIRST TIME.
FIRST -- I THOUGHT I WAS INDESTRUCTIBLE
I WASN'T >> Jimmy: OH, GOSH
>> I GOT THAT. THE KIDS GOT RSV
THAT COUNTS AS SOMETHING AS WELL
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. THIS IS INSANE
>> YEAH, THE OLIVER FAMILY'S BEEN ILL, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THEY, REALLY -- YEAH
BUT NO CELEBRATING OR -- >> NO, WE -- WE TRIED TO
CELEBRATE AS MUCH AS WE COULD. THEN I WENT -- THEN I WENT TO
CHICAGO TO DO SOME STANDUP, SO THAT WAS NICE.
I DID THAT OVER ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
[ SCATTERED CHEERS ] THAT'S -
[ APPLAUSE ] IT'S NOT CLEAR -- IT'S NOT
CLEAR WHETHER THEY'RE SUPPORTING THE CITY OF CHICAGO
OR THE LIVE ARTS [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THE LIVE ARTS. BUT NEW YEAR'S EVE, YOU LIKE
WORKING ON NEW YEAR'S EVE? >> I LOVE WORKING ON NEW YEAR'S
EVE. >> Jimmy: REALLY
>> BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE ON NEW
YEAR'S EVE SO IT'S PARTLY 'CAUSE I LOVE
DOING STANDUP, AND IT'S FUN. AND IT'S PARTLY BECAUSE IT
STOPS ME HAVING TO GO TO ANY NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY, WHERE I
WILL NOT BE VALUE ADDED. >> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO -- NO PARTY IS -- IS
GOING UP A NOTCH >> Jimmy: -- WHEN YOU'RE THERE
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN,
LIKE, LMFAO WALK INTO A ROOM WHAT A DATED REFERENCE THAT IS
[ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A FANTASTIC - >> OH, MY GOD.
>> Jimmy: I -- >> I LITERALLY -- I WAS
THINKING, "WHO, WHO -- [ LAUGHTER ]
"WHO WOULD REALLY ELEVATE A PARTY?
THOSE TWO GUYS FROM LMFAO. >> Jimmy: OF COURSE.
THEY -- YEAH >> YOU KNOW, "PARTY ROCK IS IN
THE HOUSE, TONIGHT." >> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY, YES!
THEY ARE A PARTY >> "EVERYBODY JUST HAVE A GOOD
TIME." *
[ RHYTHMIC CLAPPING >> Jimmy: YEAH, WITH THE
GLASSES. >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, NO THEY ARE -- YEAH
>> PICTURE THAT. >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> PICTURE THE OPPOSITE OF THAT, AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT
>> Jimmy: THAT'S YOU ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: SO, YOU'RE -- ARE YOU ON STAGE AT MIDNIGHT
>> NO, I WOULD NOT DO THAT I DID -- I DID IT ONCE,
ACTUALLY, THE LAST TIME I WAS IN CHICAGO
THE REASON I STOPPED BEING ON STAGE AT MIDNIGHT, WAS I HAD TO
DO THE COUNTDOWN AND THERE WAS A GUY THERE, AND
HE WAS IN THE FRONT ROW. AND I WAS ABOUT TO DO THE TEN
OF THE TEN SECONDS AND HE PUT THIS BOTTLE DOWN,
AND HE SAID, "I'VE GOT SOME MALORT."
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT -- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MALORT WAS
IT'S LIKE -- OH, IT'S NOT GOOD [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: "MALORT" >> IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE
A FIZZY WINE >> NO.
>> NO? WHAT IS IT
>> IT'S TERRIBLE >> IT'S TERRIBLE, YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
THAT'S A NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT
"IT'S NOT A FIZZY WINE IT'S TERRIBLE.
>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN WILLING TO DESCRIBE IT MORE THAN THAT,
JUST - "IT'S TERRIBLE."
>> Jimmy: IT'S JUST TERRIBLE >> IT'S A BAD LIQUID
YOU ARE RIGHT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND, SO, HE PUTS IT --
>> I THINK IT'S MADE -- I THINK IT'S MADE --
YEAH, HE PUT IT DOWN AND THEN HE SAID, "DRINK THIS,"
LIKE A BULLY >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND THEN A GUY AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE THEATER, WHO, I
CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, HAD NOT COME WITH HIM, RAN DOWN THE
SIDE AND HE HAD, LIKE, ONE OF THOSE,
LIKE, BULLET BELTS WITH SHOT GLASSES IN IT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SO, HE'D WORN THAT TO A SHOW
AND TO MY SHOW, NOT TO LMFAO'S SHOW -
- [ LAUGHTER ] - - WHERE IT MIGHT BE WELCOME
>> Jimmy: HE WORE A -- A VEST OF SHOT GLASSES.
>> YEAH. AND HE SAID, SO HE SAID --
SO, HE PUT SHOT GLASSES ON THE FRONT OF THE STAGE, THINKING
I'M LIKE JESUS AT SERMON OF THE MOUNT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> I WILL TAKE THIS ONE BOTTLE
OF MALORT AND GET THIS ROOM [ BLEEP ]- FACED
>> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY, YEAH. >> AND -- AND, YEAH.
SO, I TOOK ONE SIP IT WAS SO UNPLEASANT --
"TERRIBLE," TO QUOTE YOUR AUDIENCE MEMBER.
>> Jimmy: YES. >> THAT I FAILED TO COUNT DOWN
FROM TEN TO ONE ACCURATELY I MISSED NEW YEAR'S EVE AND
RUINED EVERYBODY'S NIGHT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH DON'T DO THAT EVER, EVER AGAIN
>> YEAH. SO -
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: PLEASE, DON'T DO
THAT >> YEAH.
SO, NO, I WAS DONE YEAH
>> Jimmy: A FEW MONTHS AGO, YOU HOSTED THIS EVENT FOR THE
CLOONEY FOUNDATION >> I DID
YEAH, THE ALBIE AWARDS IT WAS FANTASTIC
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> THEY HONORED MARIA RESSA,
ALBIE SACHS. IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT
>> Jimmy: WHEN GEORGE CLOONEY CALLS AND ASKS TO DO THIS, DO
YOU GO, "OH, YEAH, WHATEVER YOU NEED."
>> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M REALLY AT
THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU CAN TAKE AN UNEXPECTED CALL
FROM GEORGE CLOONEY AND GO, "YEAH, NO.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, SO IT WAS -- BUT IT
WAS AN AMAZING, AMAZING ORGANIZATION THEY ARE.
AND THEY WERE CELEBRATING SOME INCREDIBLE PEOPLE.
AND IT WAS -- YEAH, IT WAS A A MAGICAL, SPECTACULAR NIGHT
>> Jimmy: YOU HAD A -- YOU HAD A GREAT TABLE.
>> I DID >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> WHAT DO YOU GOT >> Jimmy: WELL, I HAVE A
A PICTURE OF - >> OH, YEAH!
>> Jimmy: YOU AND MERYL STREEP HAVING A BLAST
>> YES YES.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] NOW, I -- I -- I FOUND OUT
ABOUT THIS PHOTO 'CAUSE ONE OF OUR WRITERS DROPPED THAT PHOTO
THE NEXT DAY IN OUR SLACK CHANNEL WITH THE MESSAGE, IN
ALL CAPS, "WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] WAS HAPPENING HERE?"
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT FELT -- THAT FELT LIKE
A FAIR QUESTION. AND HONESTLY, I DON'T HAVE THE
ANSWER TO IT I DON'T KNOW WHAT MERYL STREEP
HAD SAID I WILL SAY, THAT IS TYPICALLY
NOT THE DYNAMIC A COMEDIAN IS LOOKING FOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER
WAY AROUND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING
STREEP LAUGH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: MERYL STREEP IS CRACKING YOU UP.
>> SHE -- I DON'T KNOW -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SAID, BUT
SHE WAS DESTROYING [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH >> Jimmy: THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.
>> YEAH. SHE'S CLEARLY VERY FUNNY
THAT'S A PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE ARTIFACT
>> Jimmy: I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT ANOTHER PHOTO.
>> SURE. >> Jimmy: AND I'M GONNA SHOW
IT, NOT BECAUSE IT'S A CUTE BABY PHOTO -
>> WHAT IS IT? >> Jimmy: IT IS A CUTE BABY,
BUT -- >> OH.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A CUTE BABY, BUT IT'S YOU, BUT YOU'RE WEARING A
A SWEATER THAT HAS YOUR FULL NAME ON IT
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW >> Jimmy: I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT
IN MY LIFE >> I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT
ONTO THE INTERNET. BUT, YEAH, THAT IS ME, AS YOU
CAN TELL BY THE SWEATER, NOT THE FACE
>> Jimmy: BUT WHAT IS -- >> AND, YEAH, I THINK WHAT IS
AMAZING, IS THAT I DON'T REMEMBER, EITHER, WHO KNITTED
THAT, BUT I THINK IT IS A BOLD CHOICE TO GO FIRST NAME --
>> Jimmy: FULL NAME. >> FULL NAME IS A BOLD CHOICE.
FIRST NAME, CUTE >> Jimmy: IT'S SO CUTE
>> FULL NAME FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT THE PHONE NUMBER
UNDERNEATH IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT FEELS LIKE, "IF LOST, PLEASE DELIVER TO THIS ADDRESS."
>> Jimmy: YEAH. [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: DID THIS KID--
>> MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DO THAT. >> Jimmy: DID THIS KID THINK
THAT HE WAS GOING TO HOST A SHOW, AND WIN AWARDS, AND BE ONE
OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH? >> I THINK THAT KID KNEW ONE
THING, AND THAT'S THAT HIS NAME WAS JOHNOLIVER.
[LAUGHTER] NO, NO.
THAT KID-- THAT KID WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT FACT, AT ALL.
>> Jimmy: NO. LET'S TALK ABOUT "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT." IT'S GOING INTO SEASON TEN.
>> SURE. YES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE DOUBLE FIGURES
BIG TEN.
>> Jimmy: WOW, DOUBLE -- YEAH. >> BIG TEN, YEAH
>> Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL LIKE -- DOES IT FEEL LIKE TEN SEASONS?
>> UH, NOT REALLY. NO, 'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T -- YOU
KNOW, WE HAVEN'T REALLY STOPPED.
SO, IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE ONE LONG -
>> Jimmy: -- SEASON. >> -- SPLURGE OF WORK.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> YEAH, THE ONLY TIME IT
REALLY HIT ME JUST HOW LONG IT'S BEEN, IS THAT WE WERE --
WE WERE ASKING THE WRITERS FOR IDEAS FOR OUR NEW POSTER THIS
YEAR AND ONE OF OUR WRITERS, SEENA,
HE SAID, "I'VE GOT ONE FOR YOU.
AND HE JUST SAID, "LET'S JUST TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU NOW, AND A
A PHOTO FROM OUR ORIGINAL POSTER
AND THEN WE'LL-- YEAH. SO, THIS -- THIS IS WHAT --
THIS IS WHAT OUR POSTER IS FOR THE COMING SEASON.
"IT'S ONLY BEEN NINE YEARS." SO, THAT'S -
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THAT'S ME, NINE YEARS AGO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: DUDE, THAT'S -
* >> THAT -- THAT, BUT JIMMY -
>> Jimmy: NINE YEARS THAT'S IT.
>> I DON'T -- I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO BE AN OFFICIAL DOCTOR
TO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT IDEAL [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT IS -- THAT IS NOT AGING AT ITS IDEAL FORM
>> Jimmy: NO >> NOW, WHEN YOU'RE 0 TO 9,
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE >> Jimmy: YES.
>> BABY, CHILD, FINE 9 TO 18, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO
CHANGE I DON'T THINK NINE YEARS CAN DO
THAT TO A HUMAN BEING -- [ LAUGHTER ]
- - UNLESS YOU ARE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Jimmy: NO, NO AND THIS IS --
>> THIS -- THIS GUY -- THIS GUY HAD HIS WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF
HIM. LOOK AT HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'S THINKING -- HE'S THINKING,
"OBAMA'S THE PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW.
TECHNOCRATIC, DISAPPOINTING IN SOME WAYS, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
AMERICA'S ON THE RIGHT TRACK THERE HASN'T BEEN A PANDEMIC
SINCE 1918 WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD
HAPPEN?" THIS GUY [ BLEEP ] AROUND AND
FOUND OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: UNBELIEVABLE COME ON, MAN
>> Jimmy: JOHN AND I ARE PLAYING A NEW GAME AFTER THE
BREAK. STICK AROUND
COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: I READ SOMEWHERE, BY
THE WAY, THAT LADY GAGA ONCE GOT YOU IN A LITTLE TROUBLE.
>> YEAH, I WENT -- I SKIPPED SCHOOL TO SEE HER -- HER
"MONSTER BALL" TOUR. AND, UM, I LIKE, FORGED
A LETTER FROM MY DAD AND THEN I GOT PUT IN DETENTION
FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AFTERWARDS [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS CRAZY >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. WE ARE HANGING OUT WITH
JOHN OLIVER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NOW, JOHN, AS TALK SHOW HOSTS, WE HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE ON
A WIDE VARIETY OF TOPICS AND WE ALSO NEED TO BE ABLE TO
THINK QUICKLY ON OUR FEET. >> DO WE
OKAY >> Jimmy: YES.
WITH THAT IN MIND, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO PLAY A NEW GAME
WE CALL "TEN IN TWELVE." >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: HERE WE GO * TEN IN TWELVE *
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S HOW THIS GAME WORKS, AND THANK YOU
FOR ALWAYS PLAYING SOMETHING >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS PICKING A CARD FROM THIS
PILE EACH CARD HAS A CATEGORY ON IT
COULD BE ANYTHING. TYPES OF ANIMALS, NAMES OF TV
SHOWS. WHATEVER
THEN WE'LL HAVE 12 SECONDS TO NAME 10 THINGS IN THAT
CATEGORY >> OKAY.
YOU KNOW THE MOMENT JUST BEFORE YOU SEE A CAR CRASH?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IS THAT WHERE WE ARE
>> WE'RE IN THAT MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. I THINK -- I THINK THIS COULD
BE FUN >> OKAY.
OKAY, SURE >> Jimmy: 10 IN 12
>> WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. YEAH
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO
>> SO, YOU GO FIRST. >> Jimmy: I WILL GO FIRST.
>> 10 -- 10 IN 12. >> Jimmy: YEAH, OKAY
>> WHAT'S YOUR CATEGORY. >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW --
MY CATEGORY IS FIRST NAMES I CAN DO THIS.
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: TEN FIRST NAMES IN
TWELVE SECONDS READY.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: JOHN, JACK, JAMES,
JASPER, JAMIE, SAMANTHA, STEVEN -
>> THERE ARE OTHER LETTERS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: TERRY, LARRY, AND TED.
[ DINGING NO
>> DID YOU GET IT? >> Jimmy: NO, WHAT DID I DO?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> DID YOU GET IT?
[ DINGING >> Jimmy: DID I DO IT?
>> I LOST -- >> Jimmy: I GOT TEN.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK I DON'T LIKE -- THIS GAME'S
HARDER NOW "FAMILY FEUD" SEEMS REALLY
DIFFICULT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M MORE EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT I GENUINELY LOST COUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AND IT WAS ONLY GOING ONE
THROUGH TEN. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I WAS -- I
THOUGHT I WAS DOING 15 OKAY
>> WELL DONE >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: YOU ARE UP
JUST TELL US THE CATEGORY, AND THEN WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
THAT'S WHEN WE START THE COUNTDOWN.
>> ALL RIGHT OKAY
HOLIDAYS >> Jimmy: OKAY
TEN HOLI -- THAT'S HARD. TEN --
>> OH! [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS AN AUDIENCE THAT HAS NO FAITH IN ME WHATSOEVER
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.
10 HOLIDAYS IN 12 SECONDS. WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
>> KWANZAA, PRESIDENT'S DAY, MLK DAY, LABOR DAY, MY
BIRTHDAY, YOUR BIRTHDAY, QUESTLOVE'S BIRTHDAY, TARIQ'S
BIRTHDAY - >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> IS THAT NOT A HOLIDAY CHRISTMAS, HANUKKAH.
[ BUZZER ] >> Jimmy: YES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ DINGING
>> Jimmy: WAIT YOU GOT A BUZZ AND A DING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I THINK HE DID IT.
YES, YOU DID IT. *
THAT WAS RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE
>> THERE WAS - >> Jimmy: THERE WAS FOUR
BIRTHDAYS IN THERE >> SO, AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT --
AS LONG AS YOU'RE WILLING TO NOT DENY THAT THE --
>> Jimmy: OUR BIRTHDAYS ARE HOLIDAYS
>> THAT BIRTHDAYS OF MEMBERS OF YOUR STAFF ARE WORTH
CELEBRATING, THEN, I'M FINE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO I WOULD NEVER -- I WOULD NEVER
EVER DO THAT >> THAT'S WHAT I WAS PRESUMED.
SO, I THINK WE'RE GOOD HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BY THE WAY
QUESTLOVE, HIS BIRTHDAY'S THIS WEEK
THERE WE GO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY
>> Jimmy: LET'S DO ANOTHER ROUND.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS.
>> Jimmy: ALL WHO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, MINE'S
WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH "B." >> WARS THAT BEGIN WITH "B"?
>> Jimmy: NO, WORDS. >> OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID WARS
>> Jimmy: NO, NOT WARS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I WAS LIKE, THE BOER WAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY. OKAY
>> Jimmy: NO WORDS.
>> WORDS >> Jimmy: WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH
"B." HERE WE GO
BALLS, BAT, BASTARD -- [ LAUGHTER ]
[ BUZZER ] >> STOP.
DON'T DO ANOTHER ONE [ SAD TUBA ]
>> DON'T OH, MY
OH, GOD, THERE'S - >> Jimmy: THAT'S ALL I COULD
COME UP WITH >> THERE IS NOTHING I'M HAPPIER
WITH THAN THE NICE GUY, JIMMY FALLON
THE CRACK IN THAT, ALL IT TAKES IS JUST NAME THREE WORDS
BEGINNING WITH "B. BASTARD.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I COULDN'T THINK
OF - >> WHAT ABOUT "M"?
I GUESS, MOUSE, MISTLETOE, MOTHER [ BLEEP ]
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DOESN'T TAKE ME MUCH
TO CRACK HARD TO CRACK THE SHELL, MAN
>> I THINK -- I THINK YOURS HAVE BEEN EASIER THAN MINE
>> Jimmy: HOLIDAYS IS TOUGH. YEAH, WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH
"B." >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT
READY? >> Jimmy: YES.
>> PARTS OF THE BODY [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY >> OKAY.
I'VE GOT THIS. I'VE GOT THIS.
>> Jimmy: YES. >> READY
>> Jimmy: YES. >> TOES, FEET, ANKLES, CHINS,
KNEES, THIGHS, HIPS, HANDS, FINGERS, ELBOWS, SHOULDERS
[ DINGING YES.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YOU CHEATED. *
ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS GOOD A LITTLE -
THAT WAS -- YEAH [ AIR HORN ]
A LITTLE CHEATING THERE. YEAH
OKAY THIS NEXT ROUND -- THIS IS THE
LAST ROUND WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL ROUND.
>> YES >> Jimmy: OKAY
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO SWITCH
THINGS UP HERE OKAY
WE'RE GOING TO JOIN FORCES TO SEE IF WE CAN NAME TEN THINGS
TOGETHER >> OH, YEAH?
>> Jimmy: OKAY YEAH, YEAH
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: WE'RE PLAYING AS A
A TEAM NOW >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY AND WE GET TEN -
>> WHO'S GOING FIRST YOU SERVE, OR I SERVE?
>> Jimmy: I THINK YOU SERVE, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GUEST.
>> OH, THANK YOU, JIMMY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL, THANKS FOR BEING HERE
APPRECIATE IT. ALL RIGHT.
GET TEN -- >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: -- WE'RE BOTH CHAMPIONS.
AND WE WIN -- WE WIN EVERYTHING
[ LAUGHTER ] >> COLORS.
>> Jimmy: COLORS WE GOT THIS.
>> WE HAVE TO -- WE HAVE TO GET THIS
>> Jimmy: NO, WE HAVE TO GET TEN COLORS
>> WE HAVE TO GET TEN. OKAY, READY?
>> Jimmy: YES. >> OKAY.
DON'T. OKAY
BLACK. >> Jimmy: BLUE
>> RED >> Jimmy: YELLOW
>> WHITE >> Jimmy: GREEN.
>> PINK. >> Jimmy: LAVENDER
>> TAUPE [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: MAUVE. [ BUZZER ]
* [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> WE DIDN'T GET IT? >> Jimmy: WE DIDN'T GET TEN?
[ DINGING YES!
WE GOT TEN >> WE GOT IT
>> Jimmy: WHOA, WE GOT IT. >> WE GOT IT
>> Jimmy: MAUVE WAS THE LAST COLOR?
>> IS -- >> Jimmy: IS MAUVE A COLOR
>> IS TAUPE A COLOR? [ DINGING
>> Jimmy: YES. LOOK AT US
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> NEVER IN DOUBT.
>> Jimmy: JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.
>> NEVER IN DOUBT. TEN COLORS
>> Jimmy: "LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER" RETURNS FOR
ITS TENTH SEASON, SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th, 11:00 P.M. ON
HBO/HBO MAX. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS
A GRAMMY AND OSCAR WINNING ARTIST
THEIR NEW ALBUM, "GLORIA," COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY.
TICKETS TO "GLORIA: THE TOUR" ARE AVAILABLE NOW.
PLUS, THE MUSICAL GUEST THIS WEEKEND ON "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE," WITH HOST AUBREY PLAZA. PLEASE WELCOME, ONE OF OUR
FAVORITES, SAM SMITH *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
I MISS YOU I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE BACK
WELCOME BACK THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. HI, EVERYONE
HI, HI [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE BACK. "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" THIS
WEEKEND. BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT, I
WANT TO TALK ABOUT, YOU WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> I WAS OH, MY GOSH.
>> Jimmy: ON THE DAY THAT THEY PASSED THE RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE
ACT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND THAT IS A MASSIVE MOMENT FOR THIS COUNTRY
WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHAT WAS IT LIKE GETTING THE
CALL WHAT WAS IT LIKE GETTING THERE
WHO DID YOU SEE? WHAT HAPPENED?
>> IT WAS WILD WE GOT AN EMAIL FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE THAT SAID, "FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: FROM THE WHITE HOUSE
THAT RIGHT THERE IS ENOUGH >> IT WAS MAD.
I JUST NEVER THOUGHT -- I MEAN, I'M BRITISH, RIGHT
SO I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN THAT PLACE SINGING.
IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STEP IN THE
RIGHT DIRECTION FOR OUR COMMUNITY.
AND I WAS JUST VERY HONORED. >> Jimmy: YOU SANG "STAY WITH
ME," WHICH I LOVE, BUT YOU CHANGED SOME OF THE LYRICS
>> YEAH, I DID >> Jimmy: WHAT LYRICS DID YOU
CHANGE >> IT'S A LONELY SONG ABOUT ONE
NIGHT STANDS, SO I DECIDED - [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IS IT? >> YEAH, IT IS
IT'S PRETTY DEPRESSING [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I ALWAYS SING IT HAPPY.
>> I CHANGED IT TO, LIKE, BE A A LOVE SONG.
AND IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL. AND THERE'S CERTAIN LYRICS I'M
GOING TO KEEP FOREVER. >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS THE
PRESIDENT LIKE HOW WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT
>> OH, STUNNING. >> Jimmy: HE'S GREAT
>> HE'S FABULOUS THEY'RE ALL GREAT.
KAMALA LOVED MY HANDBAG, WHICH I WAS VERY HAPPY WITH.
>> Jimmy: YES! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WE HAVE A PICTURE WITH YOU GUYS THERE.
IT'S ALL OF YOU TOGETHER >> THEY WERE VERY SWEET AND
KIND TO ME AND MY TEAM AND EVERYONE
MY BAND LOVED THEM IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY
>> Jimmy: DO YOU GET STAR STRUCK AT ALL IN YOUR CAREER
ANYMORE? >> I DO.
I DO WITH THE POP DIVAS. >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, LIKE, IF I SEE RIHANNA
OR MADONNA, I FALL TO THE FLOOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DO YOU REALLY?
TO THIS DAY? >> OH, MY GOD.
OF COURSE. >> Jimmy: I READ SOMEWHERE, BY
THE WAY, THAT LADY GAGA ONCE GOT YOU IN A LITTLE TROUBLE.
>> YEAH, I SKIPPED SCHOOL TO SEE HER "MONSTER BALL TOUR,"
AND I, LIKE, FORGED A LETTER FROM MY DAD.
AND THEN I GOT DETENTION FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AFTERWARDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS CRAZY
>> Jimmy: YOU GOT BUSTED >> I WAS A BAD LIAR.
I WAS A BAD LIAR >> Jimmy: DOES GAGA KNOW SHE
GOT YOU IN TROUBLE >> I DON'T THINK SHE KNOWS IT,
BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS SO WORTH IT >> Jimmy: LOOK AT YOU NOW.
[ APPLAUSE ] NEW ALBUM, "GLORIA."
THIS IS YOUR FOURTH STUDIO ALBUM.
I LOVE THE NAME, GLORIA. MY SISTER'S NAME IS GLORIA
MY MOTHER'S NAME IS GLORIA >> I LOVE THAT
>> Jimmy: MY GRANDMOTHER'S NAME IS GLORIA.
>> BEST NAME IN THE WORLD. >> Jimmy: HOW UNORIGINAL IS MY
FAMILY [ LAUGHTER ]
WE CAN'T THINK OF ANOTHER NAME MY DAD'S NAME IS JIM
I WAS JIM. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SO IT'S REALLY UNORIGINAL. THEY GO, "YEAH, WE'LL HAVE
KIDS WE'LL NAME THEM JIM AND
GLORIA." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> TWO GREAT NAMES >> Jimmy: BUT, I LOVE GLORIA
THIS IS FANTASTIC. "GLORIA" ISN'T BASED ON
A PERSON THAT YOU KNOW NECESSARILY.
>> NO. IT'S A WORD THAT'S MEANT A LOT
TO ME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE THE LAURA BRANNIGAN GAY ANTHEM
"GLORIA. SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS HEARD IN
GAY CLUBS. AND THEN "GLORIA" THROUGH
SCHOOL, SINGING HYMNS AND STUFF.
BUT FOR ME, GLORIA IS SOMETHING THAT I CALLED A SPIRIT INSIDE
OF ME THAT SAYS TO ME, "YOU KEEP GOING
YOU'VE GOT THIS. CARRY ON."
IT'S LIKE A FIGHTING SPIRIT WITHIN ME.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I LOVE THAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I LOVE THAT. THAT'S GREAT
I'VE HEARD -- YOU KNOW I'M A A FAN.
BUT WHEN "UNHOLY" CAME OUT, I WAS JUST HOPING IT WAS GREAT
AND IT WAS BEYOND GREAT. IT WAS LIKE --
I WENT, "OH, MY GOSH YOU GOT A BANGER HERE, BUD."
AND I NEVER SAY THE WORD BANGER
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
AND NOW, "GIMME" IS ANOTHER SUPER SMASH.
I GO, "OH, MY GOSH." YOU GOT JESSE REYES ON THERE
AND KOFFEE SO, NOW, SO NOW BEFORE THE
ALBUM COMES OUT, IS THERE ANYMORE RELEASES
>> THERE'S ONE MORE SONG, YEAH ONE MORE SONG.
AND AMAZING -- THERE'S A VIDEO, EVERYTHING
I EXPLODE INTO GLITTER THIS MONTH, YEAH
>> Jimmy: OKAY >> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I'M EXCITED ABOUT
THIS >> IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE DOING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HERE THE FIRST TIME YOU DID
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO.
DIFFERENT TIME >> DIFFERENT TIME.
I'M NOT AS NERVOUS I WAS [ BLEEP ] MYSELF THE
FIRST TIME [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT'S NICE NOW. IT'S LIKE A NICE FEELING
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> IT'S THE FOURTH TIME I'VE
BEEN THERE, SO I'M A BIT MORE CALM
>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS IT LIKE AFTER DOING THE FIRST "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"? WERE YOU -
>> I MEAN, IT CHANGED MY LIFE. THAT NIGHT AFTER DOING IT
WAS -- CHANGED MY CAREER I FELT LIKE PEOPLE KNEW WHO I
WAS AFTER THAT SHOW. SO, IT WAS CRAZY
>> Jimmy: COMING FROM ENGLAND, I MEAN, DOES THAT -- DO YOU GO,
"AMERICA IS THE GOAL." >> OH, MY GOD, ALWAYS.
>> Jimmy: REALLY >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE -- YEAH.
IT'S MY DREAM. >> Jimmy: AND THE NEXT DAY,
SUNDAY, YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREETS, AND EVERYONE'S LIKE,
"YOU'RE SAM SMITH. >> YEAH, NEW YORKERS KNEW WHO I
WAS. I WAS -- MY DREAM WAS MADE
>> Jimmy: YEAH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THE TOUR -- WHEN DOES THE TOUR START?
>> APRIL >> Jimmy: THE TOUR STARTS IN
APRIL. OKAY
THE ALBUM COMES OUT NOT THIS FRIDAY, NEXT FRIDAY.
AND THEN TOUR IN APRIL ARE YOU READY FOR THE TOUR
>> YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE FUN. YOU ALL HAVE TO COME
IT'S GOING TO BE STUNNING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE ACTUALLY COMING BACK TO NEW YORK IN
AUGUST I WANT TO SAY AUGUST 8th AND
9th. >> MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
>> Jimmy: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I WILL BE THERE.
I WILL BE THERE CHEERING YOU ON
I LOVE YOU SAM SMITH, EVERYBODY
THEIR ALBUM "GLORIA" IS OUT NEXT FRIDAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU CAN SEE SAM THIS WEEKEND ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW. COME ON BACK
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST HAS A
A NEW COMEDY SPECIAL, "HAT TRICK" AVAILABLE NOW ON
YOUTUBE. MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW"
DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY FAHIM ANWAR.
* >> OH, GUYS, GUYS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE COME ON.
OH, GUYS, PLEASE THANK YOU.
OH, YOU'RE TOO NICE. COME ON.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE
I FLEW IN LAST NIGHT THIS IS JUST, LIKE, A PSA TO
EVERYONE OUT HERE TONIGHT. WHEN YOU FLY, WAIT TO GET OFF
THE PLANE. IT'S NOT VERY HARD
BUT FOR SOME REASON, AS SOON AS THE WHEELS TOUCH DOWN, EVERYONE
GETS UP LIKE - [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
FOR 40 MINUTES, THIS GUY IS LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
HE'S GO TO THE CHIROPRACTOR THE NEXT DAY LIKE, "IT HAPPENED
AGAIN. I COULDN'T WAIT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE TO FLY AROUND A LOT
DOING STANDUP. YOU KNOW, IT'S PART OF THE JOB
AND MY MOM, SHE'S VERY OVERPROTECTIVE
WHENEVER SHE FINDS OUT ABOUT A A GIG, SHE'LL CALL ME UP THE
NIGHT BEFORE SHE'LL BE LIKE, "I WANT YOUR
FLIGHT NUMBER. I WANT THE NAME OF THE COMEDY
BOOKER." LIKE, MY MOM THINKS SHE'S
LIAM NEESON FROM "TAKEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO ME, SHE WOULD JUST
SHOW UP LIKE - [ FIGHTING NOISES
I'M LIKE, "MOM, THANK GOD I GAVE YOU THIS CONTACT INFO."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "UNTIE ME.
SORRY, BOYS, BUT I TELL MY MOM EVERYTHING."
[ LAUGHTER ] WE'RE VERY CLOSE
I LOVE PEOPLE WATCHING AT THE AIRPORT.
I LOVE THE GUY WHO NEVER TAKES HIS NECK PILLOW OFF.
HE JUST LOOKS LIKE A "STAR WARS" SENATOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] "I HAVE TO GET TO THE GALACTIC
SENATE SOUTHWEST HAS DIRECT FLIGHTS TO
TATOOINE." [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES THIS WILL HAPPEN ON A FLIGHT
YOU KNOW, A WOMAN WILL BE LIKE, "CAN YOU, LIKE, HELP ME WITH MY
BAG? AND I'M HAPPY TO HELP EVERY
TIME I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH, OF
COURSE." AND I'LL HELP HER.
BUT THEN THAT'S SUCH A LUXURY, LADIES
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THAT, LIKE, HALF THE POPULATION
CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAG [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, WHEN I PACK, I HAVE TO PACK FOR MY OWN STRENGTH
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE YEAH
I CAN'T BE ALL LIKE, "I'LL PROBABLY BUMP INTO HULK HOGAN
ON MY FLIGHT." LIKE, "HEY, HULK CAN YOU HELP
ME OUT?" HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT IT,
BROTHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU'RE LUCKY YOU BUMPED INTO ME, LITTLE GUY."
[ LAUGHTER ] SOMETIMES THEY'LL HAVE THE DRUG
SNIFFING DOGS AT THE AIRPORT IT ALWAYS HAS THAT VEST THAT
SAYS, DO NOT PET THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THAT DOG
SHOULDN'T BE A COP [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, IF PETTING IT WILL BLOW UP THE WHOLE OPERATION
IMAGINE THE COP WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"
AND YOU START PETTING HIM. HE'S LIKE --
[ LAUGHTER ] "STOP IT
CUT IT OUT." START RUBBING HIS BELLY.
HE'S LIKE, "I'M GOING TO LET YOU OFF WITH A WARNING."
[ LAUGHTER ] "GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
CHANGE MY MIND." "HE HAD A TENNIS BALL, SARGE
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS MAY BE A CONTROVERSIAL OPINION.
I THINK LADIES KIND OF OVERESTIMATE HOW GOOD THEY ARE
AT DANCING JUST A LITTLE BIT.
I WAS ON A DATE WITH THIS GIRL, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M AN
AMAZING DANCER I'M SO GOOD.
AND THEN I SAW HER DANCE, AND SHE WAS JUST DOING THIS --
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS A LOT OF SHOULDERS, YOU
KNOW JUST -- THAT'S VIBING, I'LL
GIVE YOU THAT. BUT GUYS WILL COME UP TO YOU
AND BE, LIKE, "WOAH, YOU'RE, LIKE, AN AMAZING DANCER.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE WITH
YOU. YOU KNOW
MEN WILL HUMOR YOU YOU WON'T HUMOR US
LIKE, IF I'M AT THE CLUB LIKE -
[ LAUGHTER ] NO GIRL'S COMING UP TO ME LIKE,
"HOLY CRAP, YOU'RE, LIKE, AN AMAZING DANCER."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "ARE YOU, LIKE, A JABBAWOCKEEZ
OR SOMETHING?" [ LAUGHTER ]
"NO, I'M SELF TAUGHT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
IT'S TIKTOK. YEAH, MEN WILL HUMOR YOU
YOU -- YOU WON'T HUMOR US. LIKE, GUYS WILL BE ON I DATE
WITH A GIRL, AND THE GIRL WILL BE LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'M
A WICCAN YEAH, I PRACTICE WITCHCRAFT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND GUYS ARE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
THAT'S CRAZY IS THAT, LIKE, AN INDOOR THING
OR AN OUTDOOR THING? [ LAUGHTER ]
"NO, I'VE HEARD OF WICCANS I JUST NEVER MET ONE IN REAL
LIFE WOW.
IF I GO ON A DATE AND SAY I'M A WIZARD -
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THE DATE'S OVER.
[ LAUGHTER ] SHE'S NOT LIKE, "WHEN DID YOU
GET INTO WIZARDRY? [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT. YOU GUYS WERE A LOT OF FUN
THANKS SO MUCH I'M FAHIM ANWAR.
THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: COME ON NOW!
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT THERE.
FAHIM ANWAR! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OH, YOU GOT A STANDING OVATION THERE.
>> COME ON, I LOVE YOU GUYS. >> Jimmy: "HAT TRICK" IS
AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
JABBAWOCKEEZ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO JOHN OLIVER, SAM SMITH,
FAHIM ANWAR. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS.
GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY BYE-BYE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *