1 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:14,748 >> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN 2 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,850 ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE 3 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,685 TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON." 4 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:25,992 TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - 5 00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:29,062 JOHN OLIVER, SAM SMITH, 6 00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:31,698 COMEDIAN FAHIM ANWAR AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY 7 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:37,470 ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1781 8 00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:44,344 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON 9 00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:53,853 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 10 00:00:53,853 --> 00:01:08,201 * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:08,201 --> 00:01:11,371 >> Jimmy: OH, WOW! I LOVE YOU 12 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:15,408 I LOVE YOU RIGHT BACK! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 13 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,477 ENJOY YOURSELVES, EVERYBODY. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO 14 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:19,779 "THE TONIGHT SHOW. YOU'RE HERE. 15 00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:21,514 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "THE TONIGHT SHOW," YOU MADE 16 00:01:21,514 --> 00:01:24,684 IT LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS 17 00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:27,220 WELL, GUYS, TODAY THE U.S. HIT THE DEBT CEILING, WHICH MEANS 18 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:30,490 THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CAN'T BORROW ANY MORE MONEY. 19 00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,392 YEP. RIGHT NOW, THE U.S. IS 20 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:34,594 $31 TRILLION IN DEBT THE COUNTRY'S SO STRAPPED FOR 21 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:37,097 CASH, GEORGE SANTOS IS EMAILING PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE 22 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:43,269 A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [ LAUGHTER ] 23 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,471 THAT'S RIGHT ALSO, TO MAKE SOME EXTRA MONEY, 24 00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:47,307 IT'S NOW CALLED THE GILLETTE MACH THREE WASHINGTON MONUMENT 25 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:51,244 WHICH I THINK IS - [ LAUGHTER ] 26 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:53,113 BUT REPUBLICANS SAY THEY WON'T RAISE THE DEBT CEILING UNLESS 27 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,647 THERE ARE DRASTIC SPENDING CUTS 28 00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:58,118 THEY EVEN WANT US TO SWITCH OUR NUKES TO STORE BRAND URANIUM 29 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,887 [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, COME ON. 30 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:02,622 TODAY, TREASURY SECRETARY JANET YELLEN SAID EXTRAORDINARY 31 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,391 MEASURES ARE BEING TAKEN TO KEEP THE GOVERNMENT'S BILLS 32 00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:08,762 PAID WHICH EXPLAINS WHY TONIGHT 33 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,730 MITCH McCONNELL STARTED AN ONLYFANS 34 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:14,100 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: WOW. 35 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,635 >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHIP IN. 36 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,170 TODAY PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID HE WAS GONNA HAVE A GARAGE SALE, 37 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:18,805 BUT HIS GARAGE IS A CRIME SCENE, SO -- IT'S JUST LIKE -- 38 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,208 [ LAUGHTER ] [ AUDIENCE OHS ] 39 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:23,610 HE CAN'T - [ RIMSHOT 40 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,478 SPEAKING OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, FORMER PRESIDENT 41 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,347 TRUMP HAS NOW CLAIMED THAT HE NEVER TOOK ANY, JUST THE EMPTY 42 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:28,448 FOLDERS THE DOCUMENTS WERE IN BECAUSE THEY WERE "COOL 43 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:36,089 KEEPSAKES. [ LAUGHTER ] 44 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:39,092 YEAH, BECAUSE THERE'S NO COOLER KEEPSAKE THAN A MANILA FOLDER. 45 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,528 YEAH, IT'S LIKE, THAT'S -- "COOL KEEPSAKES. 46 00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:42,729 TRUMP TAKES CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS THE WAY WE TAKE 47 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,164 SHAMPOO FROM OUR HOTEL ROOMS, LIKE - 48 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:47,767 [ LAUGHTER ] ALWAYS NICE TO PICK UP A LITTLE 49 00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,103 REMINDER FROM THAT TIME YOU WERE THE PRESIDENT OF THE 50 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:53,907 UNITED STATES. THE WHITE HOUSE HAS A GIFT 51 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,442 SHOP, MAN. I MEAN, YOU DON'T GO AROUND 52 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:56,943 GRABBING STUFF LIKE YOU'RE ON "SUPERMARKET SWEEP," YOU KNOW? 53 00:02:56,943 --> 00:03:00,547 JUST TAKING STUFF. [ LAUGHTER ] 54 00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:01,881 IN FAIRNESS, WHEN TRUMP SEES THE WORD CLASSIFIED, HE THINKS 55 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:03,183 IT JUST MEANS THE THING HAS BEEN MADE MORE CLASSY. 56 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:07,454 [ LAUGHTER ] "THAT CASINO WAS A DUMP 'TIL I 57 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,856 CLASSIFIED THE JOINT AND NOW, IT'S VERY CLASSY. 58 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:13,226 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT 59 00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:15,495 THIS - UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKYY 60 00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:19,899 SAID THAT HE ISN'T SURE IF VLADIMIR PUTIN IS STILL ALIVE. 61 00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:21,534 RIGHT NOW, 20 RUSSIAN OFFICIALS ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE 62 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:24,704 TABLE LIKE, "YOU POKE HIM. "NO, YOU." 63 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:29,642 [ LAUGHTER ] THEN AN AIDE FELT PUTIN'S 64 00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:32,379 FOREHEAD, HE'S LIKE, "HE'S COLD AND STIFF, SO ALL GOOD 65 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:35,749 HE'S GREAT." [ LAUGHTER ] 66 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,851 YOU GUYS SEE THIS? AT JFK AIRPORT HERE IN 67 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,219 NEW YORK, A JETBLUE PLANE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO 68 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,888 ANOTHER JETBLUE PLANE THAT WAS PARKED ON THE RUNWAY 69 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,190 EVERYONE'S OKAY, AND JETBLUE HAS EVEN RELEASED AN APOLOGY 70 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:48,762 HERE IT IS LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR OUR 71 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,397 RECENT MISSTEP WE TAKE THE SAFETY OF OUR 72 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,365 PASSENGERS VERY SERIOUSLY, AND THIS KIND OF CARELESS ACCIDENT 73 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:55,869 WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. 74 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:59,906 AT LEAST WE AREN'T SPIRIT. [ LAUGHTER ] 75 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,442 >> Steve: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ] 76 00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:04,277 >> Jimmy: WOW. AND THAT'S - 77 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:07,681 >> Steve: INDEED [ APPLAUSE ] 78 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,215 >> Jimmy: THEN -- THEN SPIRIT SAW JETBLUE'S VIDEO, AND 79 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:14,888 RELEASED THEIR OWN RESPONSE. CHECK THIS OUT 80 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,590 APPRECIATE THE BASELESS FINGER-POINTING AND MUDSLINGING 81 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,826 THAT CERTAIN AIRLINES FIND ACCEPTABLE 82 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,795 WE PROMISE TO NEVER SINK TO THEIR LEVEL, BECAUSE AT THE END 83 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,631 OF THE DAY, AT LEAST WE AREN'T SOUTHWEST. 84 00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:29,202 [ LAUGHTER >> Jimmy: THIS IS -- THIS IS - 85 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,404 I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT. WELL, SOUTHWEST SAW SPIRIT'S 86 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,605 VIDEO. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 87 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,674 >> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: AND THEY RELEASED 88 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:36,876 THEIR OWN. WATCH THIS 89 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,278 UNDERSTAND THE CRITICISM WE'VE RECENTLY RECEIVED. 90 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,146 DO WE MAKE MISTAKES? SURE 91 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:42,782 BUT WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, AT LEAST WE AREN'T SOUTHWEST 92 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,385 WAIT, NO >> Jimmy: THAT -- WELL - 93 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:48,888 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [ RIM SHOT ] 94 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:55,395 [ CHEERS ] HEY, I JUST SAW THAT INSTAGRAM 95 00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:58,832 JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE CALLED "QUIET MODE," WHICH 96 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,769 HELPS USERS FOCUS BY PAUSING ALL NOTIFICATIONS FROM THE APP 97 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,739 YEAH, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. YOU SET YOUR INSTAGRAM TO QUIET 98 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:06,940 MODE THEN A FRIEND TEXTS YOU, "HEY, 99 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,675 DID YOU SEE THAT THING I SENT YOU ON INSTAGRAM?" 100 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:12,946 [ LAUGHTER ] SOME MORE BUSINESS NEWS, PARTY 101 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:17,751 CITY JUST FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY [ AUDIENCE AWS ] 102 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,852 YEAH, APPARENTLY THEY JUST COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH 103 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,687 INFLATION, WEAK SALES, AND THE RISING PRICE OF HELIUM 104 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:22,822 IT IS TOUGH NEWS LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW IT'S 105 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:27,794 GOING OVER AT PARTY CITY HEADQUARTERS 106 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,896 >> Jimmy: WELL, DALE, LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD 107 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,065 THE PRICE OF HELIUM'S JUST WAY TOO HIGH 108 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,467 >> Tariq: IT'S TERRIBLE, DOUG. WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS, I 109 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:36,102 SHRIEKED >> Jimmy: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. 110 00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:39,406 I MEAN, WE EXPANDED TOO FAST, AND IT ALL JUST WENT POP 111 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,074 >> Tariq: AND NOW, IT'S ALL COMING TO A SCREECHING HALT. 112 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,543 >> Jimmy: WELL, I GUESS WE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. 113 00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:46,279 [ HISSING [ SQUEAKING 114 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,215 IT'S A SAD DAY [ LAUGHTER ] 115 00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:50,884 >> Tariq: I'M DEVASTATED >> Jimmy: I WAS WAITING FOR 116 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,285 A SPECIAL OCCASION TO DO THIS, BUT -- 117 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,087 >> Tariq: IS THAT A CIGAR? >> Jimmy: SURE 118 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,990 >> Tariq: WAIT, NO [ EXPLOSION 119 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,525 >> Jimmy: OH, TERRIBLE OH 120 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:02,028 [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S TERRIBLE. 121 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,531 >> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: WOW. 122 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,933 >> Steve: THEY WERE BLONDE THEY WERE ALL BLONDE 123 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,235 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 124 00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,037 IT'S PARTY CITY, MAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT 125 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,505 OF COURSE. >> Steve: AND HELIUM SUDDENLY 126 00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,140 BECAME FLAMMABLE >> Jimmy: YES, HELIUM'S 127 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,109 FLAMMABLE, VERY, YEAH. SWITCHING GEARS, PETSMART IS 128 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,511 OFFERING TO PAY ONE DOG AND ONE CAT $10,000 TO SERVE AS THE 129 00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:24,551 CHIEF TOY TESTER PRETTY EXCITING OPPORTUNITY. 130 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,287 HERE'S WHAT SOME PETS HAD TO SAY WHEN THEY HEARD THE NEWS 131 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,356 THIS DOG SAID, "CHIEF TOY TESTER 132 00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:31,925 OOH, PICK ME, PICK ME! THIS NEXT DOG SAID, "I'VE BEEN 133 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,393 A GOOD BOY, SO I WANT THE GOOD TOY! 134 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,695 WOOF, WOOF!" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 135 00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:37,097 AND FINALLY, THIS CAT SAID, "TOYS? 136 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,632 HEH, YEAH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 137 00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,267 "I REMEMBER TOYS I USED TO LIKE 'EM, THEN I GREW 138 00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:42,902 UP YOU CAN ONLY CHASE A NEON 139 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,070 FEATHER AROUND SO MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU REALIZE LIFE IS 140 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:48,808 MEANINGLESS. [ LAUGHTER ] 141 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,677 "LOOK, YOU WANT ME TO BE A TOY TESTER 142 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,312 YOU BETTER ANTE UP AND MAKE IT 50K AND DON'T TALK TO ME 143 00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,381 DON'T FORGET, I'M A CAT. I RUN THIS HOUSE, BISH." 144 00:06:54,381 --> 00:07:01,921 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHIEF TOY TESTER 145 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,557 SOME MOVIE NEWS, JAMES CAMERON SAID THAT IN THE NEXT "AVATAR" 146 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:06,726 SEQUEL, THE NARRATOR WILL NO LONGER BE JAKE SULLY, BUT 147 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:10,463 SOMEONE ELSE WELL, THEY'RE TRYING OUT NEW 148 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,532 NARRATORS NOW, AND WE GOT A SNEAK PEEK OF THE AUDITIONS. 149 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,167 YEP, THERE'S SOME FAMILIAR FACES HERE 150 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:19,305 CHECK THIS OUT >> LOOK AT THOSE BLUE GUYS 151 00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:20,607 HORSING AROUND IN THE SWIMMING HOLE 152 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,375 YOU KNOW, I WENT TO A HIGH SCHOOL WITH A NA'VI. 153 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,444 WE CALLED HIM BLUEY. HE WAS 10 FEET TALL. 154 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,845 TOOK OUR BASKETBALL TEAM TO THE STATE, BUT WE GOT DISQUALIFIED 155 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:29,683 BECAUSE OF HIS GILLS >> WOW 156 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:32,318 OH, GOSH, THESE FISH THEY'RE TRYING TO MURDER ME. 157 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:34,487 [ LAUGHTER ] >> THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THESE 158 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:39,092 HERE NA'VI AND THE WATER, IS PROFOUND AND STIRRING. 159 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:42,062 MUCH LIKE MARMALADE ON A WARM BISCUIT. 160 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:45,532 >> WOW-E-WOW I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE AMAZING 161 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:50,337 SCENERY AND NA'VI PEOPLE LIKE FOR PART TWO. 162 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,740 >> THE NA'VI SWIM PEACEFULLY UNDERWATER AS THEY WONDER -- 163 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,476 [ CHEERS ] "WHERE ARE THE [ BLEEP ] 164 00:07:56,476 --> 00:08:01,514 PENGUINS?" [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 165 00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:05,885 >> Jimmy: WHAT "WHERE ARE THE PENGUINS? 166 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,620 OH, I HEARD THAT IN AN EFFORT TO REDUCE METHANE EMISSIONS, 167 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,690 ONE DAIRY COMPANY IS PUTTING MASKS AND DIAPERS ON COWS TO 168 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:15,929 TRAP THEIR FLATULENCE AND BURPS. 169 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,231 SOMEONE DEFINITELY SUGGESTED THIS RIGHT AFTER THE BOSS WAS 170 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,734 LIKE, "REMEMBER, THERE ARE NO DUMB IDEAS, OKAY?" 171 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:25,171 [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, A NEW STUDY FOUND 172 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,607 THAT MEN WHO USE VIAGRA ARE MORE LIKELY TO LIVE LONGER 173 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,476 THE WORSE PART, JOE BIDEN IS USING THE NEWS TO REASSURE 174 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,577 EVERYONE THAT HE CAN SERVE ANOTHER TERM 175 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,213 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT 176 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:37,584 GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 177 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:45,125 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 178 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:49,062 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH 179 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,563 WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT. 180 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,098 HE IS THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER," 181 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,733 WHICH RETURNS FOR ITS 10th SEASON SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th ON 182 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:58,071 HBO AND HBO MAX. JOHN OLIVER IS HERE TONIGHT. 183 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:02,042 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: LOVE HIM 184 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:07,514 >> Jimmy: FUNNY DUDE PLUS, THEIR NEW ALBUM "GLORIA" 185 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,015 COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY, AND THEY ARE THE MUSICAL GUEST THIS 186 00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:11,251 WEEKEND ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH HOST AUBREY PLAZA 187 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:22,062 SAM SMITH IS HERE TONIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 188 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,596 SOME JAMS. AND WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT COMEDY 189 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:29,602 FROM FAHIM ANWAR, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 190 00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:31,338 GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR "TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS. 191 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:42,048 HERE WE GO HASHTAGS * 192 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,583 >> Jimmy: NOW, WE DO THIS THING EVERY WEEK WHERE I SEND OUT 193 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,954 A HASHTAG AND WE ASK YOU GUYS TO RESPOND TO THAT TOPIC 194 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,256 SO, SINCE THE NFL PLAYOFFS ARE IN FULL SWING, I SENT OUT THE 195 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,559 HASHTAG, "MY FOOTBALL SUPERSTITION." 196 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,861 AND I ASKED YOU GUYS TO TWEET OUT YOUR FUNNY OR SILLY 197 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,830 SUPERSTITIONS THAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE GAME 198 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,798 WITHIN MINUTES IT WAS A TRENDING TOPIC IN THE U.S. 199 00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,433 SO, THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONG. 200 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:05,238 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NOW, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE 201 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,706 SOME OF MY FAVORITE "MY FOOTBALL SUPERSTITION" TWEETS 202 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,174 FROM YOU GUYS. HERE WE GO 203 00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,043 THIS FIRST IS FROM @KKPOLLARDKK 204 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,811 SHE SAYS, "WHEN A TEAM GOES TO KICK A FIELD GOAL, EVERYONE IN 205 00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:13,046 MY FAMILY LEANS A PARTICULAR WAY -- LEFT, RIGHT, OR SIT UP 206 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,849 STRAIGHT WE ALL HAVE TO LEAN THE SAME 207 00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:19,219 WAY OR IT CANCELS OUT THE LEAN." 208 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:27,527 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS ONE'S FROM @DAVINPANTS. 209 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:31,264 >> Steve: DAVINPANTS >> Jimmy: DAVIN -- DAVINPANTS. 210 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:34,634 HE SAYS, "MY DAD ONLY WEARS ONE SOCK WHEN THE COWBOYS PLAY, 211 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,603 BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING ONE SOCK WHEN THEY WON THE 212 00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:41,207 1996 SUPER BOWL. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 213 00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:43,610 WHY? >> Steve: WOW. 214 00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,045 - - SOCK. >> Jimmy: WHY WAS HE WEARING 215 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,880 ONE SOCK >> Steve: WHAT HAPPENED THE 216 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,648 NIGHT BEFORE >> Jimmy: YEAH 217 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,918 I HOPE IT WAS A DIFFERENT SOCK THIS ONE'S FROM @ORANGETERRYS. 218 00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,887 THEY SAY, "I BET AGAINST MY TEAM 219 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,088 THAT WAY IF THEY WIN, I'M HAPPY, AND IF THEY LOSE, WELL, 220 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:59,659 I MADE SOME MONEY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 221 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,628 YEAH, SOUNDED GOOD >> Steve: THAT'S A GOOD IDEA 222 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:06,066 >> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @MOUSEHANDSTAN51 223 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,967 HE SAYS, "IF WE'RE CLOSE TO THE GOAL LINE, I MAKE MY ENTIRE 224 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,936 FAMILY HOLD THEIR ARMS UP IN THE 'IT'S GOOD' POSE UNTIL WE 225 00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:17,944 GET THE TOUCHDOWN. [ APPLAUSE ] 226 00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,714 THIS ONE'S FROM @ARARAESTEW. SHE SAYS, "IF OUR TEAM SCORES 227 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,582 A TOUCHDOWN WHILE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN 228 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:27,887 THERE THE REST OF THE GAME." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 229 00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,289 RULES ARE RULES. >> Steve: YEAH 230 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:30,390 >> Jimmy: GET BACK IN THE BATHROOM 231 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,092 >> Steve: I'M GOING OUTSIDE. >> Jimmy: "GET BACK IN THE 232 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,393 BAT'ROOM." THIS ONE'S FROM 233 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:38,698 @BUDDYCHAMPAGNE. >> Steve: OOH, OH. 234 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,567 >> Jimmy: HE SAYS, "I HAVE TO LICK A FOOTBALL THE ENTIRE TIME 235 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,302 MY TEAM IS KICKING A FIELD GOAL 236 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,472 HAS WORKED EVERY TIME. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 237 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,440 THAT'S NOT REAL. >> Steve: NO 238 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,642 "IT'S WORKED EVERY TIME" >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE. 239 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,478 >> Steve: IT'S NOT A FOOTBALL. >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE. 240 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,680 [ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ] 241 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:59,152 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHAT IS IT 242 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:03,523 >> Steve: I DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT A FOOTBALL. 243 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,592 >> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @SMEDEE. 244 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,428 SHE SAYS, "OUR DOG MUST BE WEARING HIS BILLS BANDANA BY 245 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,897 KICKOFF. SINCE HE SLEEPS IN HIS CRATE, 246 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,265 IF HE WANTS TO GO TO BED DURING THE GAME, A FAMILY MEMBER MUST 247 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,668 WEAR THE DOG'S BANDANA UNTIL THE END OF THE GAME. 248 00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:18,071 [ LAUGHTER ] THEY SENT A PIC. 249 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,139 LOOK AT THE DOG. THERE -- 250 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,473 [ AUDIENCE AWS ] >> Steve: AW 251 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:21,975 >> Jimmy: HEY, BUD [ APPLAUSE ] 252 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:24,077 IS THAT A BEER >> Steve: BEER ME. 253 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,479 >> Jimmy: THIS LAST ONE'S FROM THE @ANTHONYDIPERO7. 254 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,448 HE SAYS, "I'M A BROWNS FAN NOTHING WORKS. 255 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,749 AW, THERE YOU HAVE IT. [ APPLAUSE ] 256 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,184 THOSE ARE OUR "TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS." 257 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,153 TO CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR FAVORITES, GO TO 258 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,321 TONIGHTSHOW.COM/HASHTAGS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 259 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,957 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY 260 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:40,460 COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 261 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:50,804 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 262 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:21,301 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST 263 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,738 TONIGHT, IS THE HOST OF THE EMMY-WINNING SHOW, "LAST WEEK 264 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:28,074 TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER," WHICH RETURNS FOR ITS 10th 265 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,910 SEASON SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th AT 11:00 P.M. ON HBO AND HBO MAX. 266 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:36,950 EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME, JOHN OLIVER. 267 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:54,100 * * 268 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,535 >> SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN 269 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,836 >> Jimmy: THEY DON'T WANT TO SIT DOWN 270 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,371 >> SIT DOWN. >> Jimmy: THEY DON'T WANT TO 271 00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,773 SIT DOWN THEY WANT TO STAND UP. 272 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:00,874 >> THAT IS -- NO, THAT IS UNEARNED 273 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,175 >> Jimmy: NO THAT IS DEFINITELY EARNED. 274 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,810 JOHN OLIVER, IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU. 275 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,679 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE 276 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:06,680 SHOW >> THANK YOU 277 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,314 >> Jimmy: DID YOU DO ANYTHING FOR THE -- FOR THE HOLIDAYS? 278 00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:10,483 DID YOU GET ANY TIME OFF BEFORE YOU START GOING BACK TO WORK 279 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:11,818 >> I GOT COVID, DOES THAT COUNT? 280 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,219 >> Jimmy: WOW, NO. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 281 00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:14,554 >> THAT COUNTS THAT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT? 282 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,955 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. >> FIRST TIME. 283 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:17,390 FIRST -- I THOUGHT I WAS INDESTRUCTIBLE 284 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,792 I WASN'T >> Jimmy: OH, GOSH 285 00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:20,060 >> I GOT THAT. THE KIDS GOT RSV 286 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,327 THAT COUNTS AS SOMETHING AS WELL 287 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,296 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. THIS IS INSANE 288 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:25,365 >> YEAH, THE OLIVER FAMILY'S BEEN ILL, JIMMY. 289 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,666 >> Jimmy: YEAH, THEY, REALLY -- YEAH 290 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,635 BUT NO CELEBRATING OR -- >> NO, WE -- WE TRIED TO 291 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,204 CELEBRATE AS MUCH AS WE COULD. THEN I WENT -- THEN I WENT TO 292 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,239 CHICAGO TO DO SOME STANDUP, SO THAT WAS NICE. 293 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,641 I DID THAT OVER ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. 294 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:35,975 [ SCATTERED CHEERS ] THAT'S - 295 00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:36,943 [ APPLAUSE ] IT'S NOT CLEAR -- IT'S NOT 296 00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,078 CLEAR WHETHER THEY'RE SUPPORTING THE CITY OF CHICAGO 297 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:44,284 OR THE LIVE ARTS [ LAUGHTER ] 298 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,453 >> Jimmy: THE LIVE ARTS. BUT NEW YEAR'S EVE, YOU LIKE 299 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,221 WORKING ON NEW YEAR'S EVE? >> I LOVE WORKING ON NEW YEAR'S 300 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,422 EVE. >> Jimmy: REALLY 301 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,824 >> BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE ON NEW 302 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:52,359 YEAR'S EVE SO IT'S PARTLY 'CAUSE I LOVE 303 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,560 DOING STANDUP, AND IT'S FUN. AND IT'S PARTLY BECAUSE IT 304 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,428 STOPS ME HAVING TO GO TO ANY NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY, WHERE I 305 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,598 WILL NOT BE VALUE ADDED. >> Jimmy: YEAH 306 00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,567 [ LAUGHTER ] >> NO -- NO PARTY IS -- IS 307 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,102 GOING UP A NOTCH >> Jimmy: -- WHEN YOU'RE THERE 308 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,938 ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN, 309 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:10,944 LIKE, LMFAO WALK INTO A ROOM WHAT A DATED REFERENCE THAT IS 310 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,045 [ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ] 311 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,680 >> Jimmy: THAT'S A FANTASTIC - >> OH, MY GOD. 312 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,048 >> Jimmy: I -- >> I LITERALLY -- I WAS 313 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,616 THINKING, "WHO, WHO -- [ LAUGHTER ] 314 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,385 "WHO WOULD REALLY ELEVATE A PARTY? 315 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,353 THOSE TWO GUYS FROM LMFAO. >> Jimmy: OF COURSE. 316 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,055 THEY -- YEAH >> YOU KNOW, "PARTY ROCK IS IN 317 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,723 THE HOUSE, TONIGHT." >> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY, YES! 318 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,158 THEY ARE A PARTY >> "EVERYBODY JUST HAVE A GOOD 319 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,894 TIME." * 320 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,162 [ RHYTHMIC CLAPPING >> Jimmy: YEAH, WITH THE 321 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,296 GLASSES. >> YEAH. 322 00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:31,498 >> Jimmy: YEAH, NO THEY ARE -- YEAH 323 00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:32,699 >> PICTURE THAT. >> Jimmy: YEAH 324 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,234 >> PICTURE THE OPPOSITE OF THAT, AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT 325 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:35,535 >> Jimmy: THAT'S YOU ALL RIGHT, YEAH. 326 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,403 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH. 327 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,171 >> Jimmy: SO, YOU'RE -- ARE YOU ON STAGE AT MIDNIGHT 328 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,806 >> NO, I WOULD NOT DO THAT I DID -- I DID IT ONCE, 329 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,341 ACTUALLY, THE LAST TIME I WAS IN CHICAGO 330 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,876 THE REASON I STOPPED BEING ON STAGE AT MIDNIGHT, WAS I HAD TO 331 00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:45,812 DO THE COUNTDOWN AND THERE WAS A GUY THERE, AND 332 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:48,114 HE WAS IN THE FRONT ROW. AND I WAS ABOUT TO DO THE TEN 333 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,650 OF THE TEN SECONDS AND HE PUT THIS BOTTLE DOWN, 334 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:55,422 AND HE SAID, "I'VE GOT SOME MALORT." 335 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,957 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT -- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MALORT WAS 336 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,460 IT'S LIKE -- OH, IT'S NOT GOOD [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 337 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,028 >> Jimmy: "MALORT" >> IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE 338 00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:04,164 A FIZZY WINE >> NO. 339 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:05,165 >> NO? WHAT IS IT 340 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,800 >> IT'S TERRIBLE >> IT'S TERRIBLE, YEAH 341 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:11,037 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THANK YOU. 342 00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:12,372 THAT'S A NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT 343 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,673 "IT'S NOT A FIZZY WINE IT'S TERRIBLE. 344 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,041 >> YOU'RE NOT EVEN WILLING TO DESCRIBE IT MORE THAN THAT, 345 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,543 JUST - "IT'S TERRIBLE." 346 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,278 >> Jimmy: IT'S JUST TERRIBLE >> IT'S A BAD LIQUID 347 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,145 YOU ARE RIGHT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 348 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,347 >> Jimmy: YEAH AND, SO, HE PUTS IT -- 349 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,681 >> I THINK IT'S MADE -- I THINK IT'S MADE -- 350 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,316 YEAH, HE PUT IT DOWN AND THEN HE SAID, "DRINK THIS," 351 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,617 LIKE A BULLY >> Jimmy: YEAH 352 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,052 >> AND THEN A GUY AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE THEATER, WHO, I 353 00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,287 CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, HAD NOT COME WITH HIM, RAN DOWN THE 354 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,655 SIDE AND HE HAD, LIKE, ONE OF THOSE, 355 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:32,392 LIKE, BULLET BELTS WITH SHOT GLASSES IN IT. 356 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,228 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SO, HE'D WORN THAT TO A SHOW 357 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,197 AND TO MY SHOW, NOT TO LMFAO'S SHOW - 358 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:41,668 - [ LAUGHTER ] - - WHERE IT MIGHT BE WELCOME 359 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,070 >> Jimmy: HE WORE A -- A VEST OF SHOT GLASSES. 360 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,939 >> YEAH. AND HE SAID, SO HE SAID -- 361 00:16:45,939 --> 00:16:48,108 SO, HE PUT SHOT GLASSES ON THE FRONT OF THE STAGE, THINKING 362 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,642 I'M LIKE JESUS AT SERMON OF THE MOUNT. 363 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,277 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> I WILL TAKE THIS ONE BOTTLE 364 00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,812 OF MALORT AND GET THIS ROOM [ BLEEP ]- FACED 365 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,914 >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY, YEAH. >> AND -- AND, YEAH. 366 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,416 SO, I TOOK ONE SIP IT WAS SO UNPLEASANT -- 367 00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,184 "TERRIBLE," TO QUOTE YOUR AUDIENCE MEMBER. 368 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:01,021 >> Jimmy: YES. >> THAT I FAILED TO COUNT DOWN 369 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:03,323 FROM TEN TO ONE ACCURATELY I MISSED NEW YEAR'S EVE AND 370 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:11,831 RUINED EVERYBODY'S NIGHT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 371 00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,466 >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH DON'T DO THAT EVER, EVER AGAIN 372 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,467 >> YEAH. SO - 373 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:15,669 [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: PLEASE, DON'T DO 374 00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:16,636 THAT >> YEAH. 375 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,871 SO, NO, I WAS DONE YEAH 376 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,172 >> Jimmy: A FEW MONTHS AGO, YOU HOSTED THIS EVENT FOR THE 377 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,907 CLOONEY FOUNDATION >> I DID 378 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,242 YEAH, THE ALBIE AWARDS IT WAS FANTASTIC 379 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,543 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> THEY HONORED MARIA RESSA, 380 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,078 ALBIE SACHS. IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT 381 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,379 >> Jimmy: WHEN GEORGE CLOONEY CALLS AND ASKS TO DO THIS, DO 382 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:27,213 YOU GO, "OH, YEAH, WHATEVER YOU NEED." 383 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,882 >> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M REALLY AT 384 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,083 THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE YOU CAN TAKE AN UNEXPECTED CALL 385 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,084 FROM GEORGE CLOONEY AND GO, "YEAH, NO. 386 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:31,951 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH 387 00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:35,789 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, SO IT WAS -- BUT IT 388 00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:41,561 WAS AN AMAZING, AMAZING ORGANIZATION THEY ARE. 389 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,430 AND THEY WERE CELEBRATING SOME INCREDIBLE PEOPLE. 390 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:44,664 AND IT WAS -- YEAH, IT WAS A A MAGICAL, SPECTACULAR NIGHT 391 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:45,932 >> Jimmy: YOU HAD A -- YOU HAD A GREAT TABLE. 392 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,901 >> I DID >> Jimmy: YEAH 393 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,769 >> WHAT DO YOU GOT >> Jimmy: WELL, I HAVE A 394 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,071 A PICTURE OF - >> OH, YEAH! 395 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,172 >> Jimmy: YOU AND MERYL STREEP HAVING A BLAST 396 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,707 >> YES YES. 397 00:17:53,707 --> 00:17:54,808 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] NOW, I -- I -- I FOUND OUT 398 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,110 ABOUT THIS PHOTO 'CAUSE ONE OF OUR WRITERS DROPPED THAT PHOTO 399 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,211 THE NEXT DAY IN OUR SLACK CHANNEL WITH THE MESSAGE, IN 400 00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,245 ALL CAPS, "WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] WAS HAPPENING HERE?" 401 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:03,883 [ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT FELT -- THAT FELT LIKE 402 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:08,588 A FAIR QUESTION. AND HONESTLY, I DON'T HAVE THE 403 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,324 ANSWER TO IT I DON'T KNOW WHAT MERYL STREEP 404 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,493 HAD SAID I WILL SAY, THAT IS TYPICALLY 405 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,694 NOT THE DYNAMIC A COMEDIAN IS LOOKING FOR. 406 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:20,100 [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER 407 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,568 WAY AROUND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING 408 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,236 STREEP LAUGH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 409 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,038 >> Jimmy: MERYL STREEP IS CRACKING YOU UP. 410 00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,139 >> SHE -- I DON'T KNOW -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SAID, BUT 411 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,908 SHE WAS DESTROYING [ LAUGHTER ] 412 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:32,412 YEAH >> Jimmy: THAT'S REALLY FUNNY. 413 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:33,713 >> YEAH. SHE'S CLEARLY VERY FUNNY 414 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,248 THAT'S A PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE ARTIFACT 415 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,783 >> Jimmy: I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT ANOTHER PHOTO. 416 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,318 >> SURE. >> Jimmy: AND I'M GONNA SHOW 417 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,719 IT, NOT BECAUSE IT'S A CUTE BABY PHOTO - 418 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,354 >> WHAT IS IT? >> Jimmy: IT IS A CUTE BABY, 419 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:42,255 BUT -- >> OH. 420 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,656 >> Jimmy: IT'S A CUTE BABY, BUT IT'S YOU, BUT YOU'RE WEARING A 421 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:44,758 A SWEATER THAT HAS YOUR FULL NAME ON IT 422 00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:46,626 [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH. 423 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,927 I DON'T KNOW >> Jimmy: I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT 424 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,129 IN MY LIFE >> I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT 425 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:50,864 ONTO THE INTERNET. BUT, YEAH, THAT IS ME, AS YOU 426 00:18:50,864 --> 00:18:54,501 CAN TELL BY THE SWEATER, NOT THE FACE 427 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,403 >> Jimmy: BUT WHAT IS -- >> AND, YEAH, I THINK WHAT IS 428 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,504 AMAZING, IS THAT I DON'T REMEMBER, EITHER, WHO KNITTED 429 00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:01,141 THAT, BUT I THINK IT IS A BOLD CHOICE TO GO FIRST NAME -- 430 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:04,210 >> Jimmy: FULL NAME. >> FULL NAME IS A BOLD CHOICE. 431 00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,079 FIRST NAME, CUTE >> Jimmy: IT'S SO CUTE 432 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:07,313 >> FULL NAME FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT THE PHONE NUMBER 433 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,716 UNDERNEATH IT. [ LAUGHTER ] 434 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:13,720 THAT FEELS LIKE, "IF LOST, PLEASE DELIVER TO THIS ADDRESS." 435 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,724 >> Jimmy: YEAH. [LIGHT LAUGHTER] 436 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:21,728 >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: DID THIS KID-- 437 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:25,732 >> MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DO THAT. >> Jimmy: DID THIS KID THINK 438 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:29,736 THAT HE WAS GOING TO HOST A SHOW, AND WIN AWARDS, AND BE ONE 439 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:33,740 OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH? >> I THINK THAT KID KNEW ONE 440 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:37,744 THING, AND THAT'S THAT HIS NAME WAS JOHNOLIVER. 441 00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:41,681 [LAUGHTER] NO, NO. 442 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:45,685 THAT KID-- THAT KID WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT FACT, AT ALL. 443 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:49,689 >> Jimmy: NO. LET'S TALK ABOUT "LAST WEEK 444 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:53,693 TONIGHT." IT'S GOING INTO SEASON TEN. 445 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:57,697 >> SURE. YES. 446 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,566 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE DOUBLE FIGURES 447 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,534 DOUBLE FIGURES BIG TEN. 448 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,169 >> Jimmy: WOW, DOUBLE -- YEAH. >> BIG TEN, YEAH 449 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:05,138 >> Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL LIKE -- DOES IT FEEL LIKE TEN SEASONS? 450 00:20:05,138 --> 00:20:07,874 >> UH, NOT REALLY. NO, 'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T -- YOU 451 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,376 KNOW, WE HAVEN'T REALLY STOPPED. 452 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,810 SO, IT KIND OF FEELS LIKE ONE LONG - 453 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,445 >> Jimmy: -- SEASON. >> -- SPLURGE OF WORK. 454 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,314 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> YEAH, THE ONLY TIME IT 455 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,482 REALLY HIT ME JUST HOW LONG IT'S BEEN, IS THAT WE WERE -- 456 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:16,716 WE WERE ASKING THE WRITERS FOR IDEAS FOR OUR NEW POSTER THIS 457 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,484 YEAR AND ONE OF OUR WRITERS, SEENA, 458 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,251 HE SAID, "I'VE GOT ONE FOR YOU. 459 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,486 AND HE JUST SAID, "LET'S JUST TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU NOW, AND A 460 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,220 A PHOTO FROM OUR ORIGINAL POSTER 461 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,321 AND THEN WE'LL-- YEAH. SO, THIS -- THIS IS WHAT -- 462 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,622 THIS IS WHAT OUR POSTER IS FOR THE COMING SEASON. 463 00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:31,698 "IT'S ONLY BEEN NINE YEARS." SO, THAT'S - 464 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:36,169 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THAT'S ME, NINE YEARS AGO. 465 00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:41,207 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: DUDE, THAT'S - 466 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:47,213 * >> THAT -- THAT, BUT JIMMY - 467 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,748 >> Jimmy: NINE YEARS THAT'S IT. 468 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,050 >> I DON'T -- I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO BE AN OFFICIAL DOCTOR 469 00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:51,584 TO KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT IDEAL [ LAUGHTER ] 470 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,686 THAT IS -- THAT IS NOT AGING AT ITS IDEAL FORM 471 00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,554 >> Jimmy: NO >> NOW, WHEN YOU'RE 0 TO 9, 472 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:58,792 YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE >> Jimmy: YES. 473 00:20:58,792 --> 00:21:00,860 >> BABY, CHILD, FINE 9 TO 18, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO 474 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,163 CHANGE I DON'T THINK NINE YEARS CAN DO 475 00:21:03,163 --> 00:21:05,699 THAT TO A HUMAN BEING -- [ LAUGHTER ] 476 00:21:05,699 --> 00:21:07,667 - - UNLESS YOU ARE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 477 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:12,906 >> Jimmy: NO, NO AND THIS IS -- 478 00:21:12,906 --> 00:21:14,641 >> THIS -- THIS GUY -- THIS GUY HAD HIS WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF 479 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,276 HIM. LOOK AT HIM. 480 00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,111 [ LAUGHTER ] HE'S THINKING -- HE'S THINKING, 481 00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:19,245 "OBAMA'S THE PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW. 482 00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:20,480 TECHNOCRATIC, DISAPPOINTING IN SOME WAYS, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE 483 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,648 AMERICA'S ON THE RIGHT TRACK THERE HASN'T BEEN A PANDEMIC 484 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:22,749 SINCE 1918 WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD 485 00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:25,418 HAPPEN?" THIS GUY [ BLEEP ] AROUND AND 486 00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:29,522 FOUND OUT. [ LAUGHTER ] 487 00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:35,428 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 488 00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,564 >> Jimmy: UNBELIEVABLE COME ON, MAN 489 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,235 >> Jimmy: JOHN AND I ARE PLAYING A NEW GAME AFTER THE 490 00:21:42,235 --> 00:21:43,203 BREAK. STICK AROUND 491 00:21:43,203 --> 00:21:49,476 COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 492 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:50,443 * >> Jimmy: I READ SOMEWHERE, BY 493 00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:51,978 THE WAY, THAT LADY GAGA ONCE GOT YOU IN A LITTLE TROUBLE. 494 00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,480 >> YEAH, I WENT -- I SKIPPED SCHOOL TO SEE HER -- HER 495 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,814 "MONSTER BALL" TOUR. AND, UM, I LIKE, FORGED 496 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,884 A LETTER FROM MY DAD AND THEN I GOT PUT IN DETENTION 497 00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:58,752 FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AFTERWARDS [ LAUGHTER ] 498 00:21:58,752 --> 00:21:59,552 IT WAS CRAZY >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, 499 00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:00,320 EVERYBODY. WE ARE HANGING OUT WITH 500 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:05,291 JOHN OLIVER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 501 00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:07,927 NOW, JOHN, AS TALK SHOW HOSTS, WE HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE ON 502 00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:11,197 A WIDE VARIETY OF TOPICS AND WE ALSO NEED TO BE ABLE TO 503 00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:14,367 THINK QUICKLY ON OUR FEET. >> DO WE 504 00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:15,568 OKAY >> Jimmy: YES. 505 00:22:15,568 --> 00:22:16,903 WITH THAT IN MIND, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO PLAY A NEW GAME 506 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:18,304 WE CALL "TEN IN TWELVE." >> OKAY. 507 00:22:18,304 --> 00:22:22,475 >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO * TEN IN TWELVE * 508 00:22:22,475 --> 00:22:24,077 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S HOW THIS GAME WORKS, AND THANK YOU 509 00:22:24,077 --> 00:22:25,745 FOR ALWAYS PLAYING SOMETHING >> YEAH. 510 00:22:25,745 --> 00:22:27,080 >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS PICKING A CARD FROM THIS 511 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,481 PILE EACH CARD HAS A CATEGORY ON IT 512 00:22:28,481 --> 00:22:30,283 COULD BE ANYTHING. TYPES OF ANIMALS, NAMES OF TV 513 00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:32,318 SHOWS. WHATEVER 514 00:22:32,318 --> 00:22:33,386 THEN WE'LL HAVE 12 SECONDS TO NAME 10 THINGS IN THAT 515 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:36,790 CATEGORY >> OKAY. 516 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,758 YOU KNOW THE MOMENT JUST BEFORE YOU SEE A CAR CRASH? 517 00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:40,727 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IS THAT WHERE WE ARE 518 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:41,928 >> WE'RE IN THAT MOMENT RIGHT NOW. 519 00:22:41,928 --> 00:22:43,129 [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH 520 00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:44,864 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. I THINK -- I THINK THIS COULD 521 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:45,865 BE FUN >> OKAY. 522 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,167 OKAY, SURE >> Jimmy: 10 IN 12 523 00:22:47,167 --> 00:22:48,368 >> WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. YEAH 524 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:49,469 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO 525 00:22:49,469 --> 00:22:51,004 >> SO, YOU GO FIRST. >> Jimmy: I WILL GO FIRST. 526 00:22:51,004 --> 00:22:52,405 >> 10 -- 10 IN 12. >> Jimmy: YEAH, OKAY 527 00:22:52,405 --> 00:22:54,274 >> WHAT'S YOUR CATEGORY. >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW -- 528 00:22:54,274 --> 00:22:55,475 MY CATEGORY IS FIRST NAMES I CAN DO THIS. 529 00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:57,010 >> OKAY. >> Jimmy: TEN FIRST NAMES IN 530 00:22:57,010 --> 00:22:58,111 TWELVE SECONDS READY. 531 00:22:58,111 --> 00:23:00,847 >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: JOHN, JACK, JAMES, 532 00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:03,116 JASPER, JAMIE, SAMANTHA, STEVEN - 533 00:23:03,116 --> 00:23:06,052 >> THERE ARE OTHER LETTERS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 534 00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:07,954 >> Jimmy: TERRY, LARRY, AND TED. 535 00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:09,055 [ DINGING NO 536 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:10,557 >> DID YOU GET IT? >> Jimmy: NO, WHAT DID I DO? 537 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,425 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> DID YOU GET IT? 538 00:23:12,425 --> 00:23:13,626 [ DINGING >> Jimmy: DID I DO IT? 539 00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:14,928 >> I LOST -- >> Jimmy: I GOT TEN. 540 00:23:14,928 --> 00:23:16,062 ALL RIGHT. GOOD 541 00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:16,930 * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 542 00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:18,765 IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK I DON'T LIKE -- THIS GAME'S 543 00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:20,400 HARDER NOW "FAMILY FEUD" SEEMS REALLY 544 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:21,701 DIFFICULT. [ LAUGHTER ] 545 00:23:21,701 --> 00:23:23,903 >> I'M MORE EMBARRASSED BY THE FACT I GENUINELY LOST COUNT. 546 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,972 [ LAUGHTER ] >> AND IT WAS ONLY GOING ONE 547 00:23:25,972 --> 00:23:27,841 THROUGH TEN. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I WAS -- I 548 00:23:27,841 --> 00:23:28,808 THOUGHT I WAS DOING 15 OKAY 549 00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:30,343 >> WELL DONE >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU 550 00:23:30,343 --> 00:23:31,644 >> OKAY. >> Jimmy: YOU ARE UP 551 00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:33,079 JUST TELL US THE CATEGORY, AND THEN WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, 552 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,514 THAT'S WHEN WE START THE COUNTDOWN. 553 00:23:34,514 --> 00:23:35,915 >> ALL RIGHT OKAY 554 00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:38,218 HOLIDAYS >> Jimmy: OKAY 555 00:23:38,218 --> 00:23:39,519 TEN HOLI -- THAT'S HARD. TEN -- 556 00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:40,620 >> OH! [ LAUGHTER ] 557 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:43,123 THIS IS AN AUDIENCE THAT HAS NO FAITH IN ME WHATSOEVER 558 00:23:43,123 --> 00:23:45,859 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. 559 00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:48,828 10 HOLIDAYS IN 12 SECONDS. WHENEVER YOU'RE READY. 560 00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:52,332 >> KWANZAA, PRESIDENT'S DAY, MLK DAY, LABOR DAY, MY 561 00:23:52,332 --> 00:23:54,734 BIRTHDAY, YOUR BIRTHDAY, QUESTLOVE'S BIRTHDAY, TARIQ'S 562 00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:57,671 BIRTHDAY - >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD 563 00:23:57,671 --> 00:24:01,174 >> IS THAT NOT A HOLIDAY CHRISTMAS, HANUKKAH. 564 00:24:01,174 --> 00:24:02,609 [ BUZZER ] >> Jimmy: YES! 565 00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:03,376 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ DINGING 566 00:24:03,376 --> 00:24:05,111 >> Jimmy: WAIT YOU GOT A BUZZ AND A DING. 567 00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:06,746 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I THINK HE DID IT. 568 00:24:06,746 --> 00:24:08,048 YES, YOU DID IT. * 569 00:24:08,048 --> 00:24:09,482 THAT WAS RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE 570 00:24:09,482 --> 00:24:12,552 >> THERE WAS - >> Jimmy: THERE WAS FOUR 571 00:24:12,552 --> 00:24:13,620 BIRTHDAYS IN THERE >> SO, AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT -- 572 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:16,923 AS LONG AS YOU'RE WILLING TO NOT DENY THAT THE -- 573 00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:18,758 >> Jimmy: OUR BIRTHDAYS ARE HOLIDAYS 574 00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:20,627 >> THAT BIRTHDAYS OF MEMBERS OF YOUR STAFF ARE WORTH 575 00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:23,363 CELEBRATING, THEN, I'M FINE. [ LAUGHTER ] 576 00:24:23,363 --> 00:24:25,065 >> Jimmy: NO I WOULD NEVER -- I WOULD NEVER 577 00:24:25,065 --> 00:24:26,433 EVER DO THAT >> THAT'S WHAT I WAS PRESUMED. 578 00:24:26,433 --> 00:24:28,601 SO, I THINK WE'RE GOOD HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BY THE WAY 579 00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:30,070 QUESTLOVE, HIS BIRTHDAY'S THIS WEEK 580 00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:32,439 THERE WE GO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 581 00:24:32,439 --> 00:24:33,873 >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY 582 00:24:33,873 --> 00:24:35,275 >> Jimmy: LET'S DO ANOTHER ROUND. 583 00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:36,810 >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS. 584 00:24:36,810 --> 00:24:38,345 >> Jimmy: ALL WHO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS. 585 00:24:38,345 --> 00:24:39,746 >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, MINE'S 586 00:24:39,746 --> 00:24:41,715 WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH "B." >> WARS THAT BEGIN WITH "B"? 587 00:24:41,715 --> 00:24:43,383 >> Jimmy: NO, WORDS. >> OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID WARS 588 00:24:43,383 --> 00:24:44,784 >> Jimmy: NO, NOT WARS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 589 00:24:44,784 --> 00:24:45,785 >> I WAS LIKE, THE BOER WAR. [ LAUGHTER ] 590 00:24:45,785 --> 00:24:46,753 >> OKAY. OKAY 591 00:24:46,753 --> 00:24:47,854 >> Jimmy: NO WORDS. 592 00:24:47,854 --> 00:24:49,255 >> WORDS >> Jimmy: WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH 593 00:24:49,255 --> 00:24:52,125 "B." HERE WE GO 594 00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:55,095 BALLS, BAT, BASTARD -- [ LAUGHTER ] 595 00:24:55,095 --> 00:25:03,370 [ BUZZER ] >> STOP. 596 00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:06,039 DON'T DO ANOTHER ONE [ SAD TUBA ] 597 00:25:06,039 --> 00:25:10,577 >> DON'T OH, MY 598 00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:14,314 OH, GOD, THERE'S - >> Jimmy: THAT'S ALL I COULD 599 00:25:14,314 --> 00:25:15,515 COME UP WITH >> THERE IS NOTHING I'M HAPPIER 600 00:25:15,515 --> 00:25:16,816 WITH THAN THE NICE GUY, JIMMY FALLON 601 00:25:16,816 --> 00:25:18,885 THE CRACK IN THAT, ALL IT TAKES IS JUST NAME THREE WORDS 602 00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:21,955 BEGINNING WITH "B. BASTARD. 603 00:25:21,955 --> 00:25:25,058 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I COULDN'T THINK 604 00:25:25,058 --> 00:25:27,093 OF - >> WHAT ABOUT "M"? 605 00:25:27,093 --> 00:25:29,496 I GUESS, MOUSE, MISTLETOE, MOTHER [ BLEEP ] 606 00:25:29,496 --> 00:25:37,137 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DOESN'T TAKE ME MUCH 607 00:25:37,137 --> 00:25:40,874 TO CRACK HARD TO CRACK THE SHELL, MAN 608 00:25:40,874 --> 00:25:42,842 >> I THINK -- I THINK YOURS HAVE BEEN EASIER THAN MINE 609 00:25:42,842 --> 00:25:44,911 >> Jimmy: HOLIDAYS IS TOUGH. YEAH, WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH 610 00:25:44,911 --> 00:25:46,212 "B." >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT 611 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:48,314 READY? >> Jimmy: YES. 612 00:25:48,314 --> 00:25:49,716 >> PARTS OF THE BODY [ LAUGHTER ] 613 00:25:49,716 --> 00:25:51,151 >> Jimmy: OKAY >> OKAY. 614 00:25:51,151 --> 00:25:52,252 I'VE GOT THIS. I'VE GOT THIS. 615 00:25:52,252 --> 00:25:53,653 >> Jimmy: YES. >> READY 616 00:25:53,653 --> 00:25:54,854 >> Jimmy: YES. >> TOES, FEET, ANKLES, CHINS, 617 00:25:54,854 --> 00:26:02,028 KNEES, THIGHS, HIPS, HANDS, FINGERS, ELBOWS, SHOULDERS 618 00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:03,396 [ DINGING YES. 619 00:26:03,396 --> 00:26:05,899 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 620 00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:08,535 YOU CHEATED. * 621 00:26:08,535 --> 00:26:10,170 ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS GOOD A LITTLE - 622 00:26:10,170 --> 00:26:11,104 THAT WAS -- YEAH [ AIR HORN ] 623 00:26:11,104 --> 00:26:12,339 A LITTLE CHEATING THERE. YEAH 624 00:26:12,339 --> 00:26:14,874 OKAY THIS NEXT ROUND -- THIS IS THE 625 00:26:14,874 --> 00:26:16,509 LAST ROUND WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL ROUND. 626 00:26:16,509 --> 00:26:17,811 >> YES >> Jimmy: OKAY 627 00:26:17,811 --> 00:26:19,245 >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO SWITCH 628 00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:20,313 THINGS UP HERE OKAY 629 00:26:20,313 --> 00:26:21,748 WE'RE GOING TO JOIN FORCES TO SEE IF WE CAN NAME TEN THINGS 630 00:26:21,748 --> 00:26:22,949 TOGETHER >> OH, YEAH? 631 00:26:22,949 --> 00:26:24,250 >> Jimmy: OKAY YEAH, YEAH 632 00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:25,285 >> OKAY. >> Jimmy: WE'RE PLAYING AS A 633 00:26:25,285 --> 00:26:26,653 A TEAM NOW >> OKAY. 634 00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:28,088 >> Jimmy: OKAY AND WE GET TEN - 635 00:26:28,088 --> 00:26:29,622 >> WHO'S GOING FIRST YOU SERVE, OR I SERVE? 636 00:26:29,622 --> 00:26:30,724 >> Jimmy: I THINK YOU SERVE, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GUEST. 637 00:26:30,724 --> 00:26:32,559 >> OH, THANK YOU, JIMMY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 638 00:26:32,559 --> 00:26:34,227 >> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL, THANKS FOR BEING HERE 639 00:26:34,227 --> 00:26:35,528 APPRECIATE IT. ALL RIGHT. 640 00:26:35,528 --> 00:26:36,496 GET TEN -- >> OKAY. 641 00:26:36,496 --> 00:26:37,831 >> Jimmy: -- WE'RE BOTH CHAMPIONS. 642 00:26:37,831 --> 00:26:39,065 AND WE WIN -- WE WIN EVERYTHING 643 00:26:39,065 --> 00:26:39,799 [ LAUGHTER ] >> COLORS. 644 00:26:39,799 --> 00:26:41,101 >> Jimmy: COLORS WE GOT THIS. 645 00:26:41,101 --> 00:26:42,635 >> WE HAVE TO -- WE HAVE TO GET THIS 646 00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:44,170 >> Jimmy: NO, WE HAVE TO GET TEN COLORS 647 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:45,572 >> WE HAVE TO GET TEN. OKAY, READY? 648 00:26:45,572 --> 00:26:46,906 >> Jimmy: YES. >> OKAY. 649 00:26:46,906 --> 00:26:47,640 DON'T. OKAY 650 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,875 BLACK. >> Jimmy: BLUE 651 00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,076 >> RED >> Jimmy: YELLOW 652 00:26:50,076 --> 00:26:51,277 >> WHITE >> Jimmy: GREEN. 653 00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:55,849 >> PINK. >> Jimmy: LAVENDER 654 00:26:55,849 --> 00:26:57,917 >> TAUPE [ LAUGHTER ] 655 00:26:57,917 --> 00:27:00,220 >> Jimmy: MAUVE. [ BUZZER ] 656 00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:04,924 * [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 657 00:27:04,924 --> 00:27:06,793 >> WE DIDN'T GET IT? >> Jimmy: WE DIDN'T GET TEN? 658 00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:07,660 [ DINGING YES! 659 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:08,862 WE GOT TEN >> WE GOT IT 660 00:27:08,862 --> 00:27:10,296 >> Jimmy: WHOA, WE GOT IT. >> WE GOT IT 661 00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,698 >> Jimmy: MAUVE WAS THE LAST COLOR? 662 00:27:11,698 --> 00:27:13,133 >> IS -- >> Jimmy: IS MAUVE A COLOR 663 00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:14,167 >> IS TAUPE A COLOR? [ DINGING 664 00:27:14,167 --> 00:27:15,301 >> Jimmy: YES. LOOK AT US 665 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:18,038 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> NEVER IN DOUBT. 666 00:27:18,038 --> 00:27:19,572 >> Jimmy: JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY. 667 00:27:19,572 --> 00:27:22,042 >> NEVER IN DOUBT. TEN COLORS 668 00:27:22,042 --> 00:27:23,610 >> Jimmy: "LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER" RETURNS FOR 669 00:27:23,610 --> 00:27:26,346 ITS TENTH SEASON, SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19th, 11:00 P.M. ON 670 00:27:26,346 --> 00:27:28,648 HBO/HBO MAX. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 671 00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:30,517 "TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 672 00:27:30,517 --> 00:27:57,310 * >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS 673 00:27:57,310 --> 00:28:00,280 A GRAMMY AND OSCAR WINNING ARTIST 674 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,216 THEIR NEW ALBUM, "GLORIA," COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY. 675 00:28:03,216 --> 00:28:06,186 TICKETS TO "GLORIA: THE TOUR" ARE AVAILABLE NOW. 676 00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:09,122 PLUS, THE MUSICAL GUEST THIS WEEKEND ON "SATURDAY NIGHT 677 00:28:09,122 --> 00:28:11,191 LIVE," WITH HOST AUBREY PLAZA. PLEASE WELCOME, ONE OF OUR 678 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:26,406 FAVORITES, SAM SMITH * 679 00:28:26,406 --> 00:28:32,746 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD 680 00:28:32,746 --> 00:28:34,814 I MISS YOU I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE BACK 681 00:28:34,814 --> 00:28:36,783 WELCOME BACK THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 682 00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:39,085 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. HI, EVERYONE 683 00:28:39,085 --> 00:28:42,789 HI, HI [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 684 00:28:42,789 --> 00:28:44,657 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE BACK. "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" THIS 685 00:28:44,657 --> 00:28:45,892 WEEKEND. BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT, I 686 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,594 WANT TO TALK ABOUT, YOU WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 687 00:28:47,594 --> 00:28:49,562 >> I WAS OH, MY GOSH. 688 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:50,864 >> Jimmy: ON THE DAY THAT THEY PASSED THE RESPECT FOR MARRIAGE 689 00:28:50,864 --> 00:28:52,298 ACT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 690 00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:59,639 AND THAT IS A MASSIVE MOMENT FOR THIS COUNTRY 691 00:28:59,639 --> 00:29:01,508 WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHAT WAS IT LIKE GETTING THE 692 00:29:01,508 --> 00:29:03,109 CALL WHAT WAS IT LIKE GETTING THERE 693 00:29:03,109 --> 00:29:05,211 WHO DID YOU SEE? WHAT HAPPENED? 694 00:29:05,211 --> 00:29:06,880 >> IT WAS WILD WE GOT AN EMAIL FROM THE WHITE 695 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,815 HOUSE THAT SAID, "FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. 696 00:29:08,815 --> 00:29:12,419 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: FROM THE WHITE HOUSE 697 00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,020 THAT RIGHT THERE IS ENOUGH >> IT WAS MAD. 698 00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:15,488 I JUST NEVER THOUGHT -- I MEAN, I'M BRITISH, RIGHT 699 00:29:15,488 --> 00:29:17,657 SO I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN THAT PLACE SINGING. 700 00:29:17,657 --> 00:29:19,192 IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STEP IN THE 701 00:29:19,192 --> 00:29:22,796 RIGHT DIRECTION FOR OUR COMMUNITY. 702 00:29:22,796 --> 00:29:24,764 AND I WAS JUST VERY HONORED. >> Jimmy: YOU SANG "STAY WITH 703 00:29:24,764 --> 00:29:29,235 ME," WHICH I LOVE, BUT YOU CHANGED SOME OF THE LYRICS 704 00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:31,204 >> YEAH, I DID >> Jimmy: WHAT LYRICS DID YOU 705 00:29:31,204 --> 00:29:33,606 CHANGE >> IT'S A LONELY SONG ABOUT ONE 706 00:29:33,606 --> 00:29:37,110 NIGHT STANDS, SO I DECIDED - [ LAUGHTER ] 707 00:29:37,110 --> 00:29:39,079 >> Jimmy: IS IT? >> YEAH, IT IS 708 00:29:39,079 --> 00:29:42,349 IT'S PRETTY DEPRESSING [ LAUGHTER ] 709 00:29:42,349 --> 00:29:43,883 >> Jimmy: I ALWAYS SING IT HAPPY. 710 00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:45,318 >> I CHANGED IT TO, LIKE, BE A A LOVE SONG. 711 00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:47,487 AND IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL. AND THERE'S CERTAIN LYRICS I'M 712 00:29:47,487 --> 00:29:49,456 GOING TO KEEP FOREVER. >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS THE 713 00:29:49,456 --> 00:29:51,057 PRESIDENT LIKE HOW WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT 714 00:29:51,057 --> 00:29:52,525 >> OH, STUNNING. >> Jimmy: HE'S GREAT 715 00:29:52,525 --> 00:29:53,827 >> HE'S FABULOUS THEY'RE ALL GREAT. 716 00:29:53,827 --> 00:29:56,363 KAMALA LOVED MY HANDBAG, WHICH I WAS VERY HAPPY WITH. 717 00:29:56,363 --> 00:29:58,231 >> Jimmy: YES! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 718 00:29:58,231 --> 00:29:59,432 WE HAVE A PICTURE WITH YOU GUYS THERE. 719 00:29:59,432 --> 00:30:01,167 IT'S ALL OF YOU TOGETHER >> THEY WERE VERY SWEET AND 720 00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:03,803 KIND TO ME AND MY TEAM AND EVERYONE 721 00:30:03,803 --> 00:30:07,173 MY BAND LOVED THEM IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY 722 00:30:07,173 --> 00:30:09,476 >> Jimmy: DO YOU GET STAR STRUCK AT ALL IN YOUR CAREER 723 00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:10,910 ANYMORE? >> I DO. 724 00:30:10,910 --> 00:30:12,545 I DO WITH THE POP DIVAS. >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY 725 00:30:12,545 --> 00:30:14,080 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, LIKE, IF I SEE RIHANNA 726 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,349 OR MADONNA, I FALL TO THE FLOOR. 727 00:30:16,349 --> 00:30:18,551 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DO YOU REALLY? 728 00:30:18,551 --> 00:30:19,853 TO THIS DAY? >> OH, MY GOD. 729 00:30:19,853 --> 00:30:21,454 OF COURSE. >> Jimmy: I READ SOMEWHERE, BY 730 00:30:21,454 --> 00:30:23,590 THE WAY, THAT LADY GAGA ONCE GOT YOU IN A LITTLE TROUBLE. 731 00:30:23,590 --> 00:30:29,029 >> YEAH, I SKIPPED SCHOOL TO SEE HER "MONSTER BALL TOUR," 732 00:30:29,029 --> 00:30:32,866 AND I, LIKE, FORGED A LETTER FROM MY DAD. 733 00:30:32,866 --> 00:30:35,935 AND THEN I GOT DETENTION FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AFTERWARDS. 734 00:30:35,935 --> 00:30:38,238 [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS CRAZY 735 00:30:38,238 --> 00:30:39,305 >> Jimmy: YOU GOT BUSTED >> I WAS A BAD LIAR. 736 00:30:39,305 --> 00:30:40,640 I WAS A BAD LIAR >> Jimmy: DOES GAGA KNOW SHE 737 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,042 GOT YOU IN TROUBLE >> I DON'T THINK SHE KNOWS IT, 738 00:30:42,042 --> 00:30:43,810 BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT [ LAUGHTER ] 739 00:30:43,810 --> 00:30:45,545 IT WAS SO WORTH IT >> Jimmy: LOOK AT YOU NOW. 740 00:30:45,545 --> 00:30:50,250 [ APPLAUSE ] NEW ALBUM, "GLORIA." 741 00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:51,685 THIS IS YOUR FOURTH STUDIO ALBUM. 742 00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:55,055 I LOVE THE NAME, GLORIA. MY SISTER'S NAME IS GLORIA 743 00:30:55,055 --> 00:30:56,923 MY MOTHER'S NAME IS GLORIA >> I LOVE THAT 744 00:30:56,923 --> 00:30:58,558 >> Jimmy: MY GRANDMOTHER'S NAME IS GLORIA. 745 00:30:58,558 --> 00:31:00,427 >> BEST NAME IN THE WORLD. >> Jimmy: HOW UNORIGINAL IS MY 746 00:31:00,427 --> 00:31:01,628 FAMILY [ LAUGHTER ] 747 00:31:01,628 --> 00:31:04,130 WE CAN'T THINK OF ANOTHER NAME MY DAD'S NAME IS JIM 748 00:31:04,130 --> 00:31:06,332 I WAS JIM. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 749 00:31:06,332 --> 00:31:08,268 SO IT'S REALLY UNORIGINAL. THEY GO, "YEAH, WE'LL HAVE 750 00:31:08,268 --> 00:31:09,502 KIDS WE'LL NAME THEM JIM AND 751 00:31:09,502 --> 00:31:10,370 GLORIA." [ LAUGHTER ] 752 00:31:10,370 --> 00:31:11,905 >> TWO GREAT NAMES >> Jimmy: BUT, I LOVE GLORIA 753 00:31:11,905 --> 00:31:13,406 THIS IS FANTASTIC. "GLORIA" ISN'T BASED ON 754 00:31:13,406 --> 00:31:15,375 A PERSON THAT YOU KNOW NECESSARILY. 755 00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:17,911 >> NO. IT'S A WORD THAT'S MEANT A LOT 756 00:31:17,911 --> 00:31:20,213 TO ME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE THE LAURA BRANNIGAN GAY ANTHEM 757 00:31:20,213 --> 00:31:22,382 "GLORIA. SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS HEARD IN 758 00:31:22,382 --> 00:31:24,684 GAY CLUBS. AND THEN "GLORIA" THROUGH 759 00:31:24,684 --> 00:31:28,288 SCHOOL, SINGING HYMNS AND STUFF. 760 00:31:28,288 --> 00:31:31,991 BUT FOR ME, GLORIA IS SOMETHING THAT I CALLED A SPIRIT INSIDE 761 00:31:31,991 --> 00:31:34,961 OF ME THAT SAYS TO ME, "YOU KEEP GOING 762 00:31:34,961 --> 00:31:37,130 YOU'VE GOT THIS. CARRY ON." 763 00:31:37,130 --> 00:31:38,465 IT'S LIKE A FIGHTING SPIRIT WITHIN ME. 764 00:31:38,465 --> 00:31:43,470 >> Jimmy: YEAH, I LOVE THAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 765 00:31:43,470 --> 00:31:44,904 I LOVE THAT. THAT'S GREAT 766 00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:46,106 I'VE HEARD -- YOU KNOW I'M A A FAN. 767 00:31:46,106 --> 00:31:48,842 BUT WHEN "UNHOLY" CAME OUT, I WAS JUST HOPING IT WAS GREAT 768 00:31:48,842 --> 00:31:50,477 AND IT WAS BEYOND GREAT. IT WAS LIKE -- 769 00:31:50,477 --> 00:31:56,282 I WENT, "OH, MY GOSH YOU GOT A BANGER HERE, BUD." 770 00:31:56,282 --> 00:31:57,817 AND I NEVER SAY THE WORD BANGER 771 00:31:57,817 --> 00:32:00,220 [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. 772 00:32:00,220 --> 00:32:02,956 AND NOW, "GIMME" IS ANOTHER SUPER SMASH. 773 00:32:02,956 --> 00:32:05,892 I GO, "OH, MY GOSH." YOU GOT JESSE REYES ON THERE 774 00:32:05,892 --> 00:32:08,194 AND KOFFEE SO, NOW, SO NOW BEFORE THE 775 00:32:08,194 --> 00:32:11,131 ALBUM COMES OUT, IS THERE ANYMORE RELEASES 776 00:32:11,131 --> 00:32:12,665 >> THERE'S ONE MORE SONG, YEAH ONE MORE SONG. 777 00:32:12,665 --> 00:32:15,502 AND AMAZING -- THERE'S A VIDEO, EVERYTHING 778 00:32:15,502 --> 00:32:20,640 I EXPLODE INTO GLITTER THIS MONTH, YEAH 779 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,942 >> Jimmy: OKAY >> YEAH. 780 00:32:22,942 --> 00:32:25,245 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I'M EXCITED ABOUT 781 00:32:25,245 --> 00:32:27,113 THIS >> IT'S GOING TO BE FUN. 782 00:32:27,113 --> 00:32:28,848 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE DOING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 783 00:32:28,848 --> 00:32:30,083 I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HERE THE FIRST TIME YOU DID 784 00:32:30,083 --> 00:32:31,584 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO. 785 00:32:31,584 --> 00:32:34,521 DIFFERENT TIME >> DIFFERENT TIME. 786 00:32:34,521 --> 00:32:36,389 I'M NOT AS NERVOUS I WAS [ BLEEP ] MYSELF THE 787 00:32:36,389 --> 00:32:39,325 FIRST TIME [ LAUGHTER ] 788 00:32:39,325 --> 00:32:41,428 BUT IT'S NICE NOW. IT'S LIKE A NICE FEELING 789 00:32:41,428 --> 00:32:43,163 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> IT'S THE FOURTH TIME I'VE 790 00:32:43,163 --> 00:32:44,264 BEEN THERE, SO I'M A BIT MORE CALM 791 00:32:44,264 --> 00:32:45,565 >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS IT LIKE AFTER DOING THE FIRST "SATURDAY 792 00:32:45,565 --> 00:32:47,767 NIGHT LIVE"? WERE YOU - 793 00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:49,602 >> I MEAN, IT CHANGED MY LIFE. THAT NIGHT AFTER DOING IT 794 00:32:49,602 --> 00:32:51,204 WAS -- CHANGED MY CAREER I FELT LIKE PEOPLE KNEW WHO I 795 00:32:51,204 --> 00:32:53,106 WAS AFTER THAT SHOW. SO, IT WAS CRAZY 796 00:32:53,106 --> 00:32:54,641 >> Jimmy: COMING FROM ENGLAND, I MEAN, DOES THAT -- DO YOU GO, 797 00:32:54,641 --> 00:32:58,912 "AMERICA IS THE GOAL." >> OH, MY GOD, ALWAYS. 798 00:32:58,912 --> 00:33:01,047 >> Jimmy: REALLY >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, 799 00:33:01,047 --> 00:33:03,950 YEAH I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE -- YEAH. 800 00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:05,385 IT'S MY DREAM. >> Jimmy: AND THE NEXT DAY, 801 00:33:05,385 --> 00:33:06,786 SUNDAY, YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREETS, AND EVERYONE'S LIKE, 802 00:33:06,786 --> 00:33:10,156 "YOU'RE SAM SMITH. >> YEAH, NEW YORKERS KNEW WHO I 803 00:33:10,156 --> 00:33:11,925 WAS. I WAS -- MY DREAM WAS MADE 804 00:33:11,925 --> 00:33:13,893 >> Jimmy: YEAH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING 805 00:33:13,893 --> 00:33:19,232 ABOUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 806 00:33:19,232 --> 00:33:20,767 THE TOUR -- WHEN DOES THE TOUR START? 807 00:33:20,767 --> 00:33:22,102 >> APRIL >> Jimmy: THE TOUR STARTS IN 808 00:33:22,102 --> 00:33:23,503 APRIL. OKAY 809 00:33:23,503 --> 00:33:24,804 THE ALBUM COMES OUT NOT THIS FRIDAY, NEXT FRIDAY. 810 00:33:24,804 --> 00:33:26,573 AND THEN TOUR IN APRIL ARE YOU READY FOR THE TOUR 811 00:33:26,573 --> 00:33:28,408 >> YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE FUN. YOU ALL HAVE TO COME 812 00:33:28,408 --> 00:33:33,980 IT'S GOING TO BE STUNNING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 813 00:33:33,980 --> 00:33:35,315 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE ACTUALLY COMING BACK TO NEW YORK IN 814 00:33:35,315 --> 00:33:36,950 AUGUST I WANT TO SAY AUGUST 8th AND 815 00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:38,251 9th. >> MADISON SQUARE GARDEN 816 00:33:38,251 --> 00:33:39,686 >> Jimmy: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN 817 00:33:39,686 --> 00:33:40,787 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I WILL BE THERE. 818 00:33:40,787 --> 00:33:41,755 I WILL BE THERE CHEERING YOU ON 819 00:33:41,755 --> 00:33:42,956 I LOVE YOU SAM SMITH, EVERYBODY 820 00:33:42,956 --> 00:33:45,258 THEIR ALBUM "GLORIA" IS OUT NEXT FRIDAY. 821 00:33:45,258 --> 00:33:47,127 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU CAN SEE SAM THIS WEEKEND ON 822 00:33:47,127 --> 00:33:50,296 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 823 00:33:50,296 --> 00:33:52,365 "TONIGHT SHOW. COME ON BACK 824 00:33:52,365 --> 00:34:19,492 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST HAS A 825 00:34:19,492 --> 00:34:22,062 A NEW COMEDY SPECIAL, "HAT TRICK" AVAILABLE NOW ON 826 00:34:22,062 --> 00:34:24,264 YOUTUBE. MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW" 827 00:34:24,264 --> 00:34:31,137 DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY FAHIM ANWAR. 828 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:36,609 * >> OH, GUYS, GUYS. 829 00:34:36,609 --> 00:34:39,112 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE COME ON. 830 00:34:39,112 --> 00:34:41,614 OH, GUYS, PLEASE THANK YOU. 831 00:34:41,614 --> 00:34:43,817 OH, YOU'RE TOO NICE. COME ON. 832 00:34:43,817 --> 00:34:45,785 THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE 833 00:34:45,785 --> 00:34:50,156 I FLEW IN LAST NIGHT THIS IS JUST, LIKE, A PSA TO 834 00:34:50,156 --> 00:34:52,359 EVERYONE OUT HERE TONIGHT. WHEN YOU FLY, WAIT TO GET OFF 835 00:34:52,359 --> 00:34:57,797 THE PLANE. IT'S NOT VERY HARD 836 00:34:57,797 --> 00:34:59,132 BUT FOR SOME REASON, AS SOON AS THE WHEELS TOUCH DOWN, EVERYONE 837 00:34:59,132 --> 00:35:11,244 GETS UP LIKE - [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 838 00:35:11,244 --> 00:35:16,383 FOR 40 MINUTES, THIS GUY IS LIKE, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? 839 00:35:16,383 --> 00:35:17,717 HE'S GO TO THE CHIROPRACTOR THE NEXT DAY LIKE, "IT HAPPENED 840 00:35:17,717 --> 00:35:20,053 AGAIN. I COULDN'T WAIT. 841 00:35:20,053 --> 00:35:25,458 [ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE TO FLY AROUND A LOT 842 00:35:25,458 --> 00:35:27,327 DOING STANDUP. YOU KNOW, IT'S PART OF THE JOB 843 00:35:27,327 --> 00:35:28,962 AND MY MOM, SHE'S VERY OVERPROTECTIVE 844 00:35:28,962 --> 00:35:30,130 WHENEVER SHE FINDS OUT ABOUT A A GIG, SHE'LL CALL ME UP THE 845 00:35:30,130 --> 00:35:31,364 NIGHT BEFORE SHE'LL BE LIKE, "I WANT YOUR 846 00:35:31,364 --> 00:35:35,201 FLIGHT NUMBER. I WANT THE NAME OF THE COMEDY 847 00:35:35,201 --> 00:35:40,106 BOOKER." LIKE, MY MOM THINKS SHE'S 848 00:35:40,106 --> 00:35:44,077 LIAM NEESON FROM "TAKEN. [ LAUGHTER ] 849 00:35:44,077 --> 00:35:45,145 LIKE IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO ME, SHE WOULD JUST 850 00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:47,080 SHOW UP LIKE - [ FIGHTING NOISES 851 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,716 I'M LIKE, "MOM, THANK GOD I GAVE YOU THIS CONTACT INFO." 852 00:35:49,716 --> 00:35:54,854 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "UNTIE ME. 853 00:35:54,854 --> 00:35:57,290 SORRY, BOYS, BUT I TELL MY MOM EVERYTHING." 854 00:35:57,290 --> 00:36:04,164 [ LAUGHTER ] WE'RE VERY CLOSE 855 00:36:04,164 --> 00:36:06,900 I LOVE PEOPLE WATCHING AT THE AIRPORT. 856 00:36:06,900 --> 00:36:11,471 I LOVE THE GUY WHO NEVER TAKES HIS NECK PILLOW OFF. 857 00:36:11,471 --> 00:36:13,139 HE JUST LOOKS LIKE A "STAR WARS" SENATOR. 858 00:36:13,139 --> 00:36:16,609 [ LAUGHTER ] "I HAVE TO GET TO THE GALACTIC 859 00:36:16,609 --> 00:36:19,779 SENATE SOUTHWEST HAS DIRECT FLIGHTS TO 860 00:36:19,779 --> 00:36:23,183 TATOOINE." [ LAUGHTER ] 861 00:36:23,183 --> 00:36:25,151 SOMETIMES THIS WILL HAPPEN ON A FLIGHT 862 00:36:25,151 --> 00:36:27,454 YOU KNOW, A WOMAN WILL BE LIKE, "CAN YOU, LIKE, HELP ME WITH MY 863 00:36:27,454 --> 00:36:30,523 BAG? AND I'M HAPPY TO HELP EVERY 864 00:36:30,523 --> 00:36:31,825 TIME I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH, OF 865 00:36:31,825 --> 00:36:33,460 COURSE." AND I'LL HELP HER. 866 00:36:33,460 --> 00:36:35,862 BUT THEN THAT'S SUCH A LUXURY, LADIES 867 00:36:35,862 --> 00:36:40,233 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THAT, LIKE, HALF THE POPULATION 868 00:36:40,233 --> 00:36:41,434 CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAG [ LAUGHTER ] 869 00:36:41,434 --> 00:36:44,704 LIKE, WHEN I PACK, I HAVE TO PACK FOR MY OWN STRENGTH 870 00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:54,781 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE YEAH 871 00:36:54,781 --> 00:36:56,750 I CAN'T BE ALL LIKE, "I'LL PROBABLY BUMP INTO HULK HOGAN 872 00:36:56,750 --> 00:36:59,486 ON MY FLIGHT." LIKE, "HEY, HULK CAN YOU HELP 873 00:36:59,486 --> 00:37:01,021 ME OUT?" HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT IT, 874 00:37:01,021 --> 00:37:04,724 BROTHER. [ LAUGHTER ] 875 00:37:04,724 --> 00:37:08,228 "YOU'RE LUCKY YOU BUMPED INTO ME, LITTLE GUY." 876 00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:10,730 [ LAUGHTER ] SOMETIMES THEY'LL HAVE THE DRUG 877 00:37:10,730 --> 00:37:14,234 SNIFFING DOGS AT THE AIRPORT IT ALWAYS HAS THAT VEST THAT 878 00:37:14,234 --> 00:37:18,071 SAYS, DO NOT PET THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THAT DOG 879 00:37:18,071 --> 00:37:20,140 SHOULDN'T BE A COP [ LAUGHTER ] 880 00:37:20,140 --> 00:37:25,045 LIKE, IF PETTING IT WILL BLOW UP THE WHOLE OPERATION 881 00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:27,113 IMAGINE THE COP WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?" 882 00:37:27,113 --> 00:37:28,548 AND YOU START PETTING HIM. HE'S LIKE -- 883 00:37:28,548 --> 00:37:34,220 [ LAUGHTER ] "STOP IT 884 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:38,158 CUT IT OUT." START RUBBING HIS BELLY. 885 00:37:38,158 --> 00:37:39,592 HE'S LIKE, "I'M GOING TO LET YOU OFF WITH A WARNING." 886 00:37:39,592 --> 00:37:43,196 [ LAUGHTER ] "GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I 887 00:37:43,196 --> 00:37:47,067 CHANGE MY MIND." "HE HAD A TENNIS BALL, SARGE 888 00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:52,172 WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 889 00:37:52,172 --> 00:37:54,674 THIS MAY BE A CONTROVERSIAL OPINION. 890 00:37:54,674 --> 00:37:57,310 I THINK LADIES KIND OF OVERESTIMATE HOW GOOD THEY ARE 891 00:37:57,310 --> 00:38:01,448 AT DANCING JUST A LITTLE BIT. 892 00:38:01,448 --> 00:38:03,850 I WAS ON A DATE WITH THIS GIRL, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M AN 893 00:38:03,850 --> 00:38:06,920 AMAZING DANCER I'M SO GOOD. 894 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:09,322 AND THEN I SAW HER DANCE, AND SHE WAS JUST DOING THIS -- 895 00:38:09,322 --> 00:38:17,097 [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS A LOT OF SHOULDERS, YOU 896 00:38:17,097 --> 00:38:19,699 KNOW JUST -- THAT'S VIBING, I'LL 897 00:38:19,699 --> 00:38:22,335 GIVE YOU THAT. BUT GUYS WILL COME UP TO YOU 898 00:38:22,335 --> 00:38:24,838 AND BE, LIKE, "WOAH, YOU'RE, LIKE, AN AMAZING DANCER. 899 00:38:24,838 --> 00:38:28,241 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE WITH 900 00:38:28,241 --> 00:38:29,776 YOU. YOU KNOW 901 00:38:29,776 --> 00:38:32,512 MEN WILL HUMOR YOU YOU WON'T HUMOR US 902 00:38:32,512 --> 00:38:33,580 LIKE, IF I'M AT THE CLUB LIKE - 903 00:38:33,580 --> 00:38:40,053 [ LAUGHTER ] NO GIRL'S COMING UP TO ME LIKE, 904 00:38:40,053 --> 00:38:43,857 "HOLY CRAP, YOU'RE, LIKE, AN AMAZING DANCER." 905 00:38:43,857 --> 00:38:47,260 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "ARE YOU, LIKE, A JABBAWOCKEEZ 906 00:38:47,260 --> 00:38:48,661 OR SOMETHING?" [ LAUGHTER ] 907 00:38:48,661 --> 00:38:51,631 "NO, I'M SELF TAUGHT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. 908 00:38:51,631 --> 00:38:57,537 IT'S TIKTOK. YEAH, MEN WILL HUMOR YOU 909 00:38:57,537 --> 00:38:59,072 YOU -- YOU WON'T HUMOR US. LIKE, GUYS WILL BE ON I DATE 910 00:38:59,072 --> 00:39:00,707 WITH A GIRL, AND THE GIRL WILL BE LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'M 911 00:39:00,707 --> 00:39:04,511 A WICCAN YEAH, I PRACTICE WITCHCRAFT. 912 00:39:04,511 --> 00:39:09,349 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND GUYS ARE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, 913 00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:13,286 THAT'S CRAZY IS THAT, LIKE, AN INDOOR THING 914 00:39:13,286 --> 00:39:19,726 OR AN OUTDOOR THING? [ LAUGHTER ] 915 00:39:19,726 --> 00:39:21,695 "NO, I'VE HEARD OF WICCANS I JUST NEVER MET ONE IN REAL 916 00:39:21,695 --> 00:39:26,032 LIFE WOW. 917 00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:27,600 IF I GO ON A DATE AND SAY I'M A WIZARD - 918 00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:40,146 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THE DATE'S OVER. 919 00:39:40,146 --> 00:39:42,682 [ LAUGHTER ] SHE'S NOT LIKE, "WHEN DID YOU 920 00:39:42,682 --> 00:39:46,286 GET INTO WIZARDRY? [ LAUGHTER ] 921 00:39:46,286 --> 00:39:49,456 ALL RIGHT. YOU GUYS WERE A LOT OF FUN 922 00:39:49,456 --> 00:39:51,057 THANKS SO MUCH I'M FAHIM ANWAR. 923 00:39:51,057 --> 00:39:51,958 THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 924 00:39:51,958 --> 00:39:55,895 * >> Jimmy: COME ON NOW! 925 00:39:55,895 --> 00:39:58,298 THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT THERE. 926 00:39:58,298 --> 00:39:59,632 FAHIM ANWAR! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 927 00:39:59,632 --> 00:40:01,468 OH, YOU GOT A STANDING OVATION THERE. 928 00:40:01,468 --> 00:40:04,004 >> COME ON, I LOVE YOU GUYS. >> Jimmy: "HAT TRICK" IS 929 00:40:04,004 --> 00:40:06,740 AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 930 00:40:06,740 --> 00:40:29,229 JABBAWOCKEEZ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 931 00:40:29,229 --> 00:40:32,966 >> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO JOHN OLIVER, SAM SMITH, 932 00:40:32,966 --> 00:40:37,971 FAHIM ANWAR. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 933 00:40:37,971 --> 00:40:39,739 AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA 934 00:40:39,739 --> 00:40:41,708 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING 935 00:40:41,708 --> 00:40:43,877 STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. 936 00:40:43,877 --> 00:40:45,645 GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY BYE-BYE. 937 00:40:45,645 --> 00:40:53,520 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *