Steve: FROM ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART OF
NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - NORMAN REEDUS,
CHARLI AND DIXIE D'AMELIO, COMEDIAN MIKE VECCHIONE, AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * *
Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HELLO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW" EVERYONE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE WELL, GUYS, BIG NEWS IN
WASHINGTON TODAY AS CONGRESS FINALLY PASSED THE $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF
PACKAGE. THAT'S RIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MOST AMERICANS ARE THRILLED THE BILL PASSED. IN FACT, PRESIDENT BIDEN IS SO
AMPED, HE JUST BIT HIS DOG [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS BILL
IS HUGE, IT'S $1.9 TRILLION. THAT'S LIKE A DOLLAR FOR EVERY EMAIL YOU GOT THIS YEAR THAT
STARTED WITH, "IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, TOMORROW, PRESIDENT BIDEN WILL DELIVER HIS FIRST PRIMETIME ADDRESS TO
MARK THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE COVID SHUTDOWN. YEAH, ONE YEAR AGO, TODAY, MANY
AMERICANS LEFT HALF A SANDWICH IN THEIR OFFICE LIKE, "EH, I'LL GET IT TOMORROW.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEP, BIDEN'S VERY BUSY YESTERDAY, HE VISITED A LOCAL
HARDWARE STORE THAT RECEIVED A A SMALL BUSINESS LOAN. AND I THOUGHT HIS CONVERSATION
WITH THE OWNERS WAS PRETTY INTERESTING. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
HERE IT'S AN HONOR. YOU GOT YOURSELF A REAL NICE
HAMMER STORE, JACK [ LAUGHTER ] WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I'D TAKE
DATES TO THE HAMMER STORE, SHOW THEM THE CAMPING FOOD. THESE CAMPERS, THEY'D EAT DUST
THAT YOU GET WET AND TURNS INTO JUICY CORNCOBS BACK THEN, I'D EAT MY FOOD WITH
A HAMMER, USE THE BACK END TO SCRAPE THE CORN RIGHT OFF THE COBB
CORN KERNELS FLYING EVERYWHERE THEN WE'D SWEEP THEM UP USING THE HAMMER
[ APPLAUSE ] Jimmy: LATER -- LATER IN THE CONVERSATION, THIS HAPPENED.
YOU SELL ANY YO-YOS HERE, BOSS NO.
I COULD YO-YO WITH THE BEST OF THEM. LEARNED IT FROM A MAN NAMED
YO-YO SAM. HE MADE UP THIS MOVE CALLED SPANK THE MAILBOX.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE USED TO MEET UP AT THE MILKSHAKE SHOP AND GO DRAG
RACING TRY TO USE HIS YO-YO TO WIN A RACE, WHIPPED IT OUT OF HIS
WINDOW AND BOP ANOTHER DRIVER IN THE JAW THEY BOTH WENT CAREENING OFF
DEADMAN'S CURVE, 40 STORY DROP BOTH SURVIVED, NOT A SCRATCH ON THEM
LET'S JUST SAY HE DOESN'T SPANK THE MAILBOX NO MORE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy: I JUST FOUND IT ODD, BUT THEN HE LEFT THEM WITH THIS
SOCK HOPS AT THE HARDWARE STORE BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. WE'D ALL TIRE OURSELVES OUT SO
GOOD, WE'D HAVE TO USE HAMMERS AS CANES [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
END OF THE NIGHT, THE FLOOR WAS COVERED IN HAMMERS AND CORN KERNELS.
GREAT MEMORIES [ APPLAUSE ] Jimmy: WHAT'S HE TALKING
ABOUT? WHAT SOME BUSINESS NEWS HERE.
I SAW THAT SEVEN-ELEVEN IS ADDING SOMETHING NEW TO ITS MENU, AND JUDGING BY THE
REACTIONS, IT SHOULD BE A HUGE HIT.
SEVEN-ELEVEN IS ADDING A NEW
ITEM TO ITS HOT FOOD LINEUP, FISH BITES FISH BITES.
I JUST THINK THAT'S A BAD IDEA I HAVE A VERY SENSITIVE
STOMACH SO I JUST GET WORRIED. I'M LIKE, "OOH, I DON'T KNOW." I HAVE NEVER BEEN ONE TO DO
FAST FOOD FISH THIS ISN'T FAST FOOD FISH THIS IS SEVEN-ELEVEN
[ LAUGHTER ] Jimmy: WHEN THE FISH BITES WERE ADDED TO THE HOT FOOD
CASE, A 50-YEAR-OLD TAQUITO WAS LIKE, "WELCOME TO HELL, BITCH! [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] I KNOW THEY'VE BEEN BUSY, BUT HOW DOES THE CDC LET THIS SLIP
THROUGH THE CRACKS YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING BUT THIS IS NICE, IF YOU ORDER
THE FISH BITES, THEY JUST AUTOMATICALLY HAND YOU THE BATHROOM KEY
[ LAUGHTER ] ACTUALLY, I'D RATHER EAT THE BATHROOM KEY
[ LAUGHTER ] HEY, WELL, THIS IS COOL. I SAW THAT YESTERDAY TIMBALAND
AND SWIZZ BEATZ SOLD THE STREAMING PLATFORM VERZUZ TO TRILLER.
I FEEL LIKE THAT SENTENCE MIGHT BE A LITTLE CONFUSING IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS
ARE, SO HERE LET'S TEST THAT THEORY OUT IT'S TIME FOR "TELL
A GRANDPARENT.
* TELL A GRANDPARENT * Jimmy: NOW, WE ARRANGED FOR
ONE OF OUR STAFF MEMBER'S GRANDPARENTS TO JOIN US ON ZOOM SO WE COULD TELL THEM THE NEWS
AND GET THEIR REACTION BOB AND MARGARET ARE YOU THERE HI, JIMMY
Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR JOINING US TODAY ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR NEWS?
SURE. Jimmy: ALRIGHT YESTERDAY, TIMBALAND AND SWIZZ BEATZ SOLD
STREAMING PLATFORM VERZUZ TO TRILLER. I'M SORRY, COULD YOU REPEAT
THAT Jimmy: SURE TIMBALAND AND SWIZZ BEATZ SOLD
STREAMING PLATFORM VERZUZ TO TRILLER. YOU THINK THAT'S NEWS
CALL US BACK WHEN JAY-Z SELLS TIDAL TO CLUBHOUSE [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] Jimmy: WHAT I DIDN'T -- THAT DIDN'T GO HOW
I PLANNED. DID HE DAB AT THE END? OVER IN NEW JERSEY, I READ
ABOUT AN AMTRAK WORKER WHO IS BEING ACCUSED OF SELLING SOME INTERESTING EQUIPMENT.
LISTEN TO THIS
NEW JERSEY IS ACCUSED OF STEALING 77 CHAIN SAWS,
103 CHAINSAW BARS AND 163 CHAINS FROM AMTRAK Jimmy: LUCKILY, HE'LL HAVE
NO PROBLEM IN JAIL "WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "STEALING CHAINSAWS.
[ LAUGHTER ] EVERY BIRTHDAY, HIS WIFE LOOKS AT HER GIFT BOX LIKE, "LET ME
GUESS, ANOTHER CHAINSAW. [ LAUGHTER ] PUT IT IN THE CLOSET WITH THE
OTHER ONES." AND, FINALLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT A TIKTOK THAT
SHOWS OFF ONE FAMILY'S DIY QUARANTINE PROJECT WATCH THIS
DURING QUARANTINE, MY HUSBAND BUILT A VIDEO RENTAL STORE IN OUR BASEMENT.
INSTEAD OF REFINISHING OUR KITCHEN CABINETS, HE DECIDED TO BUILD A VIDEO RENTAL STORE
Jimmy: MEANWHILE, THEIR FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT GOFUNDME WASN'T
TO HELP WITH THEIR MORTGAGE. [ APPLAUSE ] WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, GIVE IT
UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
*
Jimmy: WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FROM "THE WALKING DEAD" ON AMC, NORMAN REEDUS IS HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
PLUS THEIR NOW DOCUSERIES, "THE D'AMELIO SHOW," WILL DEBUT THIS SUMMER
CHARLI AND DIXIE D'AMELIO ARE HERE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND JOINING US IN STUDIO -- THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR US. MAN, EVERYONE'S BEEN HIT HARD
BY THIS QUARANTINE, BUT I ALWAYS THINK OF STAND-UP COMEDIANS AND COMEDY CLUBS AND
JUST -- MAN OH MAN, IT'S JUST BEEN SUCH A TOUGH YEAR SO, WE APPRECIATE HE'S COMING
IN, IN STUDIO, MIKE VECCHIONE IS HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
VERY, VERY FUNNY VERY, VERY FUNNY GENTLEMAN AND THEN A LITTLE LATER IN THE
SHOW, WE HAVE THE -- GOT THE "TONIGHT SHOW FILM FESTIVAL" - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND AUDIENCE SUGGESTION BOX. IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
RIGHT NOW IT IS TIME FOR "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." HERE WE GO
* GOOD NAME BAD NAM GREAT NAME YES * Jimmy: FIRST UP, WE HAVE
"COMING 2 AMERICA. THAT IS A GOOD NAME FOR A MOVIE.
THAT IS A BAD NAME FOR A COVID STRAIN IT IS A GREAT NAME FOR
PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE [ APPLAUSE ] SEE HOW THE BIT WORKS NOW?
NEXT, WE HAVE, "I GOT A STORY TO TELL. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A
A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT BIGGIE BAD NAME FOR A MIME CAMP [ LAUGHTER ]
GREAT NAME FOR ANY JOE BIDEN SPEECH [ APPLAUSE ]
AFTER THAT THERE'S "JOHNNY ROCKETS. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A
A RESTAURANT IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A BIDET. [ LAUGHTER ]
GREAT NAME FOR AN UBER DRIVER. YEAH, GET ME THERE, BUDDY. [ APPLAUSE ]
AFTER THAT, WE HAVE "YOGURT LAND." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A FROZEN
YOGURT SHOP. IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A THEME PARK
IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR THE BOTTOM SHELF IN EVERY OFFICE FRIDGE
OH, YEAH [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S WHERE EVERYONE'S YOGURT
IS UP NEXT, WE HAVE "DRAG RACE. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A
A REALITY SHOW BAD NAME FOR A CIGARETTE SMOKING COMPETITION.
GREAT NAME FOR A TUBING COMPETITION. OH, I SEE.
[ APPLAUSE ] I GET IT AND FINALLY, WE HAVE "DAYS
INN. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A MOTEL CHAIN.
BAD NAME FOR A HOSPITAL. GREAT NAME FOR HOW I SPENT THE PAST 12 MONTHS
WELL, THERE YOU GO [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S ALL FOR "GOOD NAME, BAD
NAME, GREAT NAME," EVERYBODY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GUYS, IT IS TIME TO KICK OFF
NIGHT THREE OF "THE TONIGHT SHOW FILM FESTIVAL." HERE WE GO
THE "TONIGHT SHOW FILM FESTIVAL." Jimmy: ALL WEEK LONG WE'VE
TEAMED UP WITH SAMSUNG TO DEBUT SHORT FILMS MADE BY RISING CREATORS WITH A PASSION FOR
FILMMAKING SO, TEN FINALISTS WERE CHOSEN FOR THE FESTIVAL AND EACH WERE
GIVEN A SAMSUNG GALAXY S21 ULTRA 5G PHONE TO MAKE A A NEW FILM FOR US.
THIS IS AN AMAZING PHONE LOOK AT ALL OF THE LENSES ON THIS GUY
THIS IS A -- THIS IS A POWERFUL MACHINE HERE IT HAS A THING IN HERE CALLED
8K VIDEO SNAP. YOU READY FOR THIS, TARIQ? YOU'RE GONNA FREAK OUT, MAN.
SO, I'M GONNA TAKE A VIDEO OF YOU. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
I'LL DELETE IT, RIGHT AFTER I POST IT ON MY SOCIALS. Tariq: COOL
Jimmy: SO, THERE'S THE VIDEO OF YOU SO, I HIT PLAY, THERE.
RIGHT THERE, I LIKE THAT SHOT OF YOU YOU GO UP TO THIS BUTTON HERE,
IT TAKES A PHOTO OF THE VIDEO. NEVER TAKE A PHOTO EVER AGAIN. IT'S A THING OF THE PAST
VIDEOTAPE EVERY SINGLE THING IN YOUR LIFE. Tariq: SO YOU TOOK A SCREEN
SHOT OF THAT VIDEO Jimmy: BUT IT'S NOT EVEN JUST A SCREEN SHOT
THE QUALITY ON THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE IT'S LIKE YOU TOOK A PHOTO
Tariq: NICE Jimmy: IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. IT'S CRAZY
THIS THING IS A POWERFUL, POWERFUL DEVICE. Tariq: YEAH
Jimmy: YOU CAN -- YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH THIS THING IT HAS 8K RESOLUTION VIDEO
YOU CAN MAKE A MOVIE ON THIS THING, WHICH IS WHAT OUR FINALIST DID, ACTUALLY
WE GAVE EACH OF OUR FILMMAKERS A THEME. THE THEME WAS, "A DIFFERENT
FOCUS," AND WE ASKED THEM TO INTERPRET THAT IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY
TONIGHT'S FILM WAS CREATED BY MARGO AKOPOV SHE IS A COLLEGE STUDENT FROM
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA. WHEN HER CAMPUS SHUT DOWN BECAUSE OF COVID-19, SHE WAS
UPSET ABOUT MISSING HER SENIOR YEAR, UNDERSTANDABLY, AND HAVING TO MOVE BACK HOME
BUT SHE DECIDED TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE, THAT SHE WAS SAFE, AND SHE WAS HEALTHY AND SHE WAS
WITH HER LOVED ONES. SO WITH THIS FILM, SHE WANTS TO CHALLENGE EVERYONE TO THINK OF
SOMETHING POSITIVE THAT'S COME FROM THE PAST YEAR HERE'S THE DEBUT OF "OVER THE
HILLS AND FAR AWAY" FROM [ APPLAUSE ] Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. I WANT TO THANK MARGO AKOPOV FOR CREATING THAT FILM FOR US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GREAT JOB. AND THANK YOU AGAIN TO SAMSUNG
WE ARE CELEBRATING "THE TONIGHT SHOW FILM FESTIVAL" ALL WEEK LONG SO KEEP WATCHING FOR THAT
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AS YOU GUYS KNOW, WE'RE ALWAYS
STRIVING TO GET BETTER HERE AT "THE TONIGHT SHOW. HARDER
BETTER FASTER STRONGER
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHICH IS WHY WE ASK VIEWERS AT HOME TO SEND IN ANY SUGGESTIONS
THAT THEY HAVE JUST TO GET SOME FEEDBACK OF WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE SHOW.
THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SEE US DO THAT KIND OF STUFF WE SHOULD DO
SO TONIGHT LET'S LOOK INSIDE THE "AUDIENCE SUGGESTION BOX."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* LOOK INTO THE BOX SUGGESTION BOX * Jimmy: THIS FIRST ONE HERE
IS FROM RUBY KERNS "HEY, JIMMY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE APP ON TIKTOK CALLED AVATARIFY,
WHERE YOU CAN ANIMATE A PHOTO OF ANYONE TO SING A SONG YOU SHOULD TRY IT ON THE SHOW.
YEAH, I ACTUALLY HAVE SEEN THAT IT'S REALLY FUN SO WE THOUGHT
WE COULD TRY IT OUT ON SOME POLITICIANS. ENJOY.
* YO LISTEN U HERE'S THE STORY ABOUT A LITTLE GUY THA
LIVES IN A BLUE WORLD* * I'M BLU DA BA DEE DA BA DA
DA BA DEE DA BA DAA * * DA BA DEE DA BA DAA
DA BA DEE DA BA DAA * Jimmy: WOW, IT'S NICE TO SEE THEM ALL GETTING ALONG, ISN'T
IT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] LET'S GET ANOTHER SUGGESTION
HERE THIS ONE IS FROM RHONDA BERKOWITZ
"TODAY IS MARIO DAY SO YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE THE MARIO FRANCHISE
ON YOUR SHOW." IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU MENTIONED THAT BECAUSE WE JUST ORDERED
ONE OF THOSE GREEN TUBES FROM NINTENDO LOOK AT THIS THING
IT'S HEAVY I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS IF I STICK MY HAND IN HERE?
[ MARIO SOUND THIS IS CNN TONIGHT I'M DON LEMON.
WE HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS AND A LOT TO GET TO -- [ MARIO SOUND
SO LET'S GET RIGHT - WHAT THE - WHAT THE -
[ MARIO SOUND [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED LET'S TRY ANOTHER SUGGESTION HERE
THIS NEXT SUGGESTION IF FROM TAYLOR BINX. "HEY, JIMMY, I HEARD A RUMOR
THERE IS A POT OF GOLD HIDDEN SOMEWHERE IN 30 ROCK SINCE ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS
COMING UP, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU CAN CONFIRM OR DENY THIS RUMOR?
WELL, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THIS BUT THERE ACTUALLY IS A - *
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NEVER MIND
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
MOVING ON. THIS NEXT ONE IS LEE KALPAKIS. "HEY, JIMMY, HAVE YOU HEARD OF
EAT-BOXING IT'S LIKE BEATBOXING BUT YOU MAKE ALL OF THE SOUNDS USING
FOOD YOU SHOULD TRY IT. THAT'S A GREAT SUGGESTION,
ACTUALLY I LOVE EAT-BOXING. EARLIER TODAY, IN FACT, ME AND
THE ROOTS RECORDED A SOUND OF US EATING AND THEN PUT IT TO A A BEAT
CHECK IT OUT
* Tariq: GROSS.
* A-CHOO! *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Jimmy: THAT WAS CATCHY. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE HERE THIS ONE IS FROM LATESHA SIMMONS.
"HEY, JIMMY, SOMETIMES I SEE A A PICTURE OF A REALLY COOL MOTORCYCLE COME ACROSS ON
INSTAGRAM BUT I WONDER WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. MAYBE YOU COULD DO A GUIDE TO
MOTORCYCLE SOUNDS ON THE SHOW? WELL, I'M NO EXPERT ON THIS, BUT I KNOW WHO IS.
OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS NORMAN REEDUS FROM "THE WALKING DEAD."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND HE'S ON OUR SHOW HE'S ON THE SHOW AND HE
ACTUALLY USED TO WORK IN A A MOTORCYCLE SHOP. SO NOW HERE IS "NORMAN REEDUS'
GUIDE TO MOTORCYCLE SOUNDS."
* HELLO, GUYS
WELCOME TO "THE NORMAN REEDUS SOUNDS TO MOTORCYCLE SOUNDS. FIRST UP IS A CLASSIC.
THE HARLEY DAVIDSON. THIS BIG BOY'S GONNA RUMBLE ON YOU.
IT'S GONNA KIND OF BE LIKE - [ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND NEXT WE HAVE THE
KAWASAKI NINJA IT'S GONNA SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS
[ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND YOU'LL PROBABLY HEAR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
[ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND WOO! YOU'RE GONNA GO --
[ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND "OH, [ BLEEP ] [ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND
AND THEN YOU'RE GETTING -- [ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GET
A TICKET THIS IS VERY OLD SCHOOL. I IMAGINE IT'S GOING TO SOUND
SOMETHING LIKE THIS. [ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND YOU KNOW THESE JINGLY BITS
[ IMITATES MOTORCYCLE SOUND [ HORN ] SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SHOW *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Jimmy: HOW GREAT IS THAT DUDE, MAN?
I LOVE THAT, MAN I COULD WATCH THAT ALL DAY HEE-HEE.
HERE IS ANOTHER SUGGESTION FROM JOSH CHERAPICA "I ALWAYS WONDERED IF
BOOMERANGS ACTUALLY WORK I DON'T THINK THEY DO. CAN YOU TEST ONE OUT ON THE
SHOW?" I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED THAT, TOO I KIND OF AGREE.
I DO NOT THINK THAT THEY WORK. BUT HERE, LET ME GIVE IT A A SHOT
I GUESS IT DOESN'T WORK. THERE IS YOUR ANSWER OKAY
WE ARE DOWN TO OUR LAST SUGGESTION HERE. THIS ONE IS FROM NANCY MOORE
"HEY, JIMMY, YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE HAVE A JET SKI RACE IN THE HUDSON RIVER
WITH BILL GATES. THAT IS A GREAT IDEA WELL, WE ACTUALLY REACHED OUT
TO BILL GATES AND, GET THIS, HE SAID YES SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE IS
BILL GATES AND I RACE -- [ LAUGHTER ] Tariq: THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE FOR "AUDIENCE SUGGESTION BOX." MY THANKS TO DON LEMON,
NORMAN REEDUS, AND BILL GATES. STICK AROUND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY TALENTED ACTOR WHO YOU KNOW FROM THE HIT
SHOW "THE WALKING DEAD," WHICH AIRS SUNDAYS AT 9:00 P.M. ON AMC.
AND YOU CAN SEE HIS SHOW "RIDE WITH NORMAN REEDUS" SUNDAYS AT MIDNIGHT -
SUNDAYS AT MIDNIGHT ON AMC HERE HE IS, NORMAN REEDUS. HEY.
HI, JIMMY Jimmy: HEY, BUD GOOD TO SEE YOU
Jimmy: IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
BACK ON THE SHOW YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU HERE. AN EXTENDED VERSION OF SEASON
TEN OF "WALKING DEAD" IS AIRING NOW. AND IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT
SEASON 11, WHICH YOU'RE CURRENTLY FILMING, WILL BE LAST SEASON
CRAZY Jimmy: ALSO, THIS SUNDAY'S EPISODE WILL BE THE 150th
EPISODE OF THE SHOW? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR THOSE NUMBERS
I THINK I TRY TO COUNT HOW MANY ADVIL I'VE TAKEN IN 150 EPISODES, YOU KNOW
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S NUTS. YOU KNOW, WE WERE FILMING -- I
MEAN, WE'RE FILMING RIGHT NOW, BUT, YOU KNOW, WE DID THESE SIX SORT OF MINI EPISODES, INTIMATE
EPISODES, BECAUSE OF COVID AND JUST TO FIGURE OUT A WORK PROGRAM.
AND NOW WE'RE DOING THESE BIG GIANT ONES AGAIN BUT, I'M SITTING ON THIS
MAN-MADE STRUCTURE, AND THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN IT, AND IT'S DRIZZLING RAIN
IT'S LIKE 3:00 IN THE MORNING, AND I'M LOOKING OUT OVER THIS FIELD, AND I'M LIKE, "WOW, THIS
IS WHERE THE PRISON WAS. Jimmy: WOW. YOU KNOW?
I BLEW UP A TANK OVER THERE, AND HERSHEL'S HEAD GOT CHOPPED OFF RIGHT DOWN THERE, AND I'M
STARTING TO GET A LITTLE MISTY-EYED THINKING ABOUT IT, AND I'M LOOKING AT WHERE THIS
PRISON USED TO BE WITH THESE GIANT GUARD TOWERS, AND I'M REMEMBERING A TIME WHEN STEVEN
AND ANDY AND I WERE FORCED TO RUN AROUND THIS PRISON OVER AND OVER IN THE GEORGIA HEAT
AND WE GET TO ONE SPOT, AND WE SIT DOWN, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "COME ON, LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
AND WE START TAKING OFF OUR SHOES AND WE'RE JUST -- YOU KNOW, WE'RE BOTH KIND OF, LIKE,
GIVING THE FINGER. WE'RE LIKE, "WE'RE NOT GETTING UP, LIKE GIVE US TEN MINUTES."
WE THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DROP DEAD. Jimmy: YOU GAVE US THAT
PHOTO. YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
Jimmy: NOT COUNTING JUST THOSE MEMORIES WHAT A CULTURAL IMPACT YOU'VE
HAD -- THE SHOW HAS HAD. YEAH. YOU KNOW, I THINK ABOUT, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, I HAVE, LIKE, STORE ROOMS FULL OF BOBBLE HEADS, AND BOWLING PINS AND ALL SORTS OF
WEIRD DARYL DIXON STUFF. YOU KNOW, MY CROSSBOW IS IN THE SMITHSONIAN WITH MY WINGED
VEST, RIGHT NEXT TO ROCKY BALBOA'S ITALIAN STALLION ROBE AND GLOVES.
Jimmy: WOW. NUTS. YEAH
IN CONEY ISLAND, THERE'S A A SHARK WITH A BUNCH OF SCARS ON ITS FACE NAMED DARYL DIXON,
WHICH IS KIND OF WILD. YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN ALL OF THE COMMERCIALS.
I'VE SEEN, YOU KNOW, ZOMBIES IN JOGGING SHOES DRINKING SPORTS DRINKS, DRIVING TOYOTA'S, LIKE,
I'VE SEEN IT ALL YOU KNOW IT'S PRETTY WILD
Jimmy: YOU -- I ALWAYS BRING THIS UP, BUT I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU
YOU ACTUALLY BECAME AN AIR FRESHENER. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
DUDE, I WILL ALWAYS KEEP THIS, AND SO IF YOU EVER WANT THIS, I -- IT'S IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
I HAVE IT FROM YEARS AGO WHEN YOU GAVE IT TO ME. BUT THAT'S MAKING IT, MAN, WHEN
YOU BECOME YOUR OWN AIR FRESHENER. IT SMELLS OF LONELINESS AND
DESPAIR? Jimmy: NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. NO
THE STORY'S NOT ENDING FOR YOU YOU'RE ACTUALLY -- YOUR CHARACTER IS GETTING ITS OWN
SPIN-OFF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR OWN SPIN-OFF
YEAH. MELISSA AND I ARE DOING SOMETHING TOGETHER
YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO LOOK DIFFERENT. IT'S GOING TO BE A DIFFERENT
FLAVOR, TOTALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING TO BE YET.
AND WE'RE KIND OF WAITING. Jimmy: IN THE FUTURE OR WE DON'T KNOW
WHO KNOWS I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHO KNOWS. Jimmy: YEAH
I HAVE NO IDEA. YOU KNOW Jimmy: THAT'S GOOD.
AT LEAST IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU LIVE IT COULD BE "WEEKEND AT
BERNIE'S," SHE COULD DRAG MY ZOMBIE BODY ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
Jimmy: THAT'S TRUE, ACTUALLY THAT IS TRUE
YOU NEVER KNOW THERE ARE A FEW MORE EPISODES LEFT IN SEASON TEN, AND SEASON
11 COMES BACK THIS SUMMER. WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HOW THESE EPISODES WILL SET UP THE
FINAL SEASON YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW, WE DID THIS -- WE DID
THE INTIMATE ONES. Jimmy: I LIKE THEM. YEAH.
I LIKED THEM TOO I LIKED HEARING, YOU KNOW, SORT OF EVERYBODY DEALING WITH THE
AFTERMATH OF THOSE TWO GIANT WARS BACK-TO-BACK. THIS IS MORE ROOTED IN -- I
WANT TO SAY REALITY? YOU KNOW IT'S OUR BAD GUYS, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S ALWAYS A BAD GUY, BUT OUR THREAT ARE MORE BASED IN REALITY, WHICH IS VERY APROPOS
FOR THE TIMES RIGHT NOW IF IT MAKES ANY SENSE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY TOO MUCH
Jimmy: YEP. YOU KNOW? THE THREAT IS VERY REAL, AND
IT'S VERY DIFFERENT. Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP.
YEAH. Jimmy: HERE IS NORMAN REEDUS IN A NEW EPISODE OF "THE
WALKING DEAD." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
"THE WALKING DEAD" AIRS SUNDAYS
AT 9:00 P.M. ON AMC. AND YOU CAN WATCH EPISODES EARLY, ON THURSDAY, ON AMC
PLUS WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLI AND DIXIE D'AMELIO.
STICK AROUND * Jimmy: MY NEXT GUESTS HAVE
NEARLY 160 MILLION TIKTOK FOLLOWERS BETWEEN THEM THEY HOST A WEEKLY PODCAST
CALLED "CHARLI AND DIXIE: 2 CHIX." AND THIS SUMMER THEIR FAMILY
WILL BE THE SUBJECT OF A NEW DOCU-SERIES CALLED "THE D'AMELIO SHOW.
HERE ARE CHARLI AND DIXIE D'AMELIO AH, LOOK
COME ON. LOOK AT THE SISTERS. I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE
A LOT OF TIMES WE'LL ASK GUESTS WHAT THEY'VE BEEN UP TO IN QUARANTINE
DIXIE, IN YOUR CASE, YOU LAUNCHED A MUSIC CAREER. YES
Jimmy: GIANT, BY THE WAY. YOU RELEASED YOUR SONG "BE HAPPY" IN JUNE
IT HAS OVER 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS, 70 MILLION STREAMS ON SPOTIFY.
WOW, DID YOU REALIZE IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT MUCH OF A HIT I MEAN, I HONESTLY HAD NO
IDEA THAT THAT WOULD HAPPEN AT ALL. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT BUT
NEVER REALLY THOUGHT IT COULD HAPPEN AND THEN IT DID PRETTY WELL
Jimmy: PRETTY WELL? OH, MY PRETTY WELL?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME ANY PLANS FOR MORE MUSIC IS THERE AN ALBUM IN THE WORKS,
ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN TELL US? DEFINITELY AN ALBUM AT SOME POINT BUT MY NEXT SONG IS
COMING OUT APRIL 9th, WHICH I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT Jimmy: LOVE IT.
NEW JAM FROM DIXIE, ALL RIGHT, GOOD WHAT DID YOU THINK, BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T JOIN TIKTOK RIGHT AWAY. CHARLI JOINED FIRST. WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU SAW
HER MAKING TIKTOKS WERE YOU LIKE, "COOL, I WANT TO DO THAT?
DID YOU THINK THAT WAS COOL? YOU CAN BE HONEST SHE STARTED AT A TIME WHERE
TIKTOK WAS SO REALLY EMBARRASSING AND I WAS REALLY EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS
POSTING AND MY FRIENDS AT SCHOOL WERE VERY INTO WHAT SHE WAS DOING.
AND I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOSH, SHE IS SO WEIRD, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS LIKE, I JUST HIT A A HUNDRED K.
AND I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO INSANE.
SHE WAS LIKE, TALK TO ME WHEN YOU HIT A MILLION AND THAT IS WHEN SHE JOINED!
Jimmy: YEAH AND THEN A LITTLE COMPETITION. CHARLI, I NOTICE THAT YOU
STARTED CHANGING UP YOUR CONTENT A LITTLE BIT RECENTLY. YOU'RE POSTING REVIEWS OF
THINGS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE I JUST SAW KINETIC SAND, I THINK I SAW?
YEAH. Jimmy: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FOLLOWERS ARE GOING TO BE
INTO IF I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, IT WAS WHAT I WAS
DOING ON A DAY-TO- DAY BASIS I WAS DOING REVIEWS TO MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND I WAS LIKE
WHY NOT FILM THIS? THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. MAYBE PEOPLE WILL ENJOY IT
I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE LIKE CHANGES VERY OFTEN AND I WAS LIKE, WHY DON'T I SHARE THIS WITH
EVERYONE AND SEE WHAT THEY THINK? AND I DID AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY
REALLY LIKED IT. Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT IS THE KEY TO BEING SUCCESSFUL ON
SOCIAL MEDIA, JUST BEING HONEST I THINK SO.
I FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO BE AS AUTHENTIC AS YOU CAN BE, BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN TELL WHEN
YOU'RE NOT BEING AUTHENTIC AND THEY DON'T RESONATE WITH THAT AS MUCH.
Jimmy: BEFORE YOU STARTED DOING THIS, CHARLI, YOU WERE A A COMPETITIVE DANCER
WOULD YOU EVER GO BACK TO THAT I ACTUALLY JUST STARTED GETTING BACK INTO TRAINING
WE GOT A DANCE STUDIO IN MY HOUSE, WHICH IS SO AMAZING REALLY NEVER THOUGHT THAT THAT
WOULD HAPPEN AND I'VE BEEN WORKING VERY CLOSELY WITH BLAKE McGRATH WHO
HAS KIND OF BROUGHT ME FROM LIKE BEING OUT OF DANCE AND FEELING SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT
MYSELF BECAUSE I FELT LIKE EVERY TIME I DANCED I HAD TO PROVE
SOMETHING TO EVERYONE AND THAT IS NOT WHAT DANCE IS ABOUT AND HE REALLY HELPED ME FIND MYSELF
AGAIN. AND WE ARE GOING TO BE WORKING ON A SOLO FOR THIS YEAR SO
HOPEFULLY I CAN GET BACK INTO THE COMPETITION SCENE BECAUSE I REALLY MISS IT
Jimmy: YOU'RE ON "TIME MAGAZINE'S TIME 100 NEXT" LIST AND THE PERSON THAT WRITES
ABOUT YOU IS JENNIFER LOPEZ. WHAT YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY
YOU HAVE TO BE EXCITED THAT IS LEGENDARY! THAT IS LEGENDARY!
THAT WAS INSANE I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS WRITING ABOUT ME UNTIL I WOKE UP AND I
SAW EVERYONE WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOODNESS, J.LO WROTE THIS ABOUT YOU.
AND I WAS LIKE, WAIT, HOLD ON. THIS IS NOT REAL THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. THAT WAS INSANE TO ME WHEN I SAW THAT
WHAT SHE SAID REALLY MADE ME FEEL SO GREAT AND SO CONFIDENT IN MYSELF.
BECAUSE SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I MATTER TO HER AND HAVING YOUR IDOL ACKNOWLEDGE YOU LIKE THAT
IS SOMETHING SO AMAZING AND SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
Jimmy: HAVE YOUR OWN DOCU-SERIES COMING TO HULU THIS SUMMER TO CALLED "THE D'AMELIO
SHOW." I'M EXCITED ABOUT THAT BUT ARE YOU -- IS IT
EVERYTHING I MEAN, YOU ARE GUYS GOING TO GET IN FIGHTS AND ARGUMENTS?
WE HAVEN'T YET. WE SAID BEFORE THE FILMING STARTED, WHO IS GOING TO BE THE
FIRST ONE TO FLIP A TABLE? THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED YET. Jimmy: YOU HAVE TO!
THE TABLES IN OUR HOUSE ARE HEAVY. THEY ARE HARD TO FLIP.
Jimmy: YOU GOT TO BE -- GO GET LIKE A REALLY -- LIKE A PLASTIC TABLE OR SOMETHING
OUTSIDE AND PRACTICE THAT. YOU HAVE TO FLIP A TABLE A VERY DRAMATIC SCENE
LUCKILY, WE HAVE NOT HAD ANY OF THOSE WE DON'T REALLY ARGUE THAT MUCH
ANY MORE NOT WITH WORDS. WITH OUR EYES MORE
YES WE ARE LITERALLY LIKE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
Jimmy: CHARLI AND DIXIE ARE PLAYING "KNOW YOUR SIS" AFTER THE BREAK.
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY. *. Jimmy: WELCOME BACK
WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH DIXIE AND CHARLI D'AMELIO. NOW, YOU BOTH ARE SISTERS AND
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY CLOSE, BUT I WANTED TO SEE JUST HOW CLOSE YOU ARE IN A GAME WE LIKE TO
CALL, "KNOW YOUR SIS." NOW, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS ONE OF YOU WILL WEAR NOISE
CANCELING HEADPHONES WHILE THE OTHER ANSWERS A QUESTION ABOUT YOU.
AND THEN YOU'LL TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF AND WE'LL SEE IF YOUR ANSWER MATCHES.
MAKES SENSE? YES YES
Jimmy: CHARLI, THE FIRST QUESTION IS ABOUT YOU SO PLEASE PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES
CHARLI -- AND PLAY SOME MUSIC LOUD GIVE A THUMBS UP WHEN YOU'RE
READY AND YOU CAN'T HEAR US. ALRIGHT, DIXIE, HERE'S THE QUESTION
ARE YOU READY? MM-HMM. Jimmy: WHAT IS THE MOST
NORMAL TEENAGER THING THAT CHARLI DOES? UM, HER ROOM BASICALLY LOOKS
LIKE A TOY STORE WITH STUFFED ANIMALS, KINETIC SAND, ORBEEZ. LIKE, SHE HAS A FIVE-YEAR-OLD'S
ROOM Jimmy: OKAY, OKAY WOW.
OKAY HERE WE GO ALRIGHT GOOD
THE QUESTION WAS, "WHAT'S THE MOST NORMAL TEENAGER THING THAT CHARLI DOES?
UM, PROBABLY THE FACT THAT I HAVE A LOT OF TOYS, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE MOST --
[ BELL RINGS ] Jimmy: THAT MATCHES WE HAVE ONE POINT THERE.
YOU JUST -- THAT'S JUST NORMAL YOU JUST LOVE TOYS SHE TELLS ME ALL THE TIME
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE VERY NORMAL, LIKE IT'S --" Jimmy: YEAH
ALRIGHT DIXIE, IT'S YOUR TURN TO PUT ON THE HEADPHONES AND GIVE US A THUMBS UP WHEN YOU
CAN'T HEAR US. OKAY HERE WE GO
CHARLI, HERE'S THE QUESTION. OKAY. Jimmy: WHAT IS DIXIE MOST
LIKELY TO DO ON A DAY OFF? TAKE A NAP FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.
Jimmy: REALLY YEAH. Jimmy: LIKE HOW LONG?
AN HOUR? A COUPLE OF HOURS? THE WHOLE DAY
Jimmy: THE WHOLE DAY. LIKE FIVE, EIGHT HOURS. Jimmy: REALLY
YEAH. Jimmy: WOWZERS! ALRIGHT, THAT'S INTERESTING.
ALL RIGHT. LET ME ASK DIXIE OKAY
DIXIE, HERE'S THE QUESTION "WHAT DOES DIXIE MOST LIKELY DO ON A DAY OFF?"
PROBABLY SLEEP ALL DAY AND WATCH LIKE NETFLIX OR SOMETHING.
Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH! YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER WELL! THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT.
FOR THE FINAL ROUND, DIXIE, PLEASE PUT ON THE HEADPHONES, GIVE US A THUMBS UP WHEN YOU
CAN'T HEAR US. CHARLI, HERE IS THE QUESTION YOU READY?
"WHEN IS A TIME THAT DIXIE BROKE THE RULES THAT YOUR PARENTS STILL DON'T KNOW ABOUT
COME ON! I'M GONNA GET HER - SHE STOLE MY MOM'S CAR ONCE.
I DON'T WANT TO GET HER IN TROUBLE! SORRY, MOM
Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHERE DID SHE GO
I DON'T KNOW. SHE PROBABLY WENT TO LIKE A FRIEND'S HOUSE OR SOMETHING.
I THINK SHE JUST WANTED TO BE LIKE REBELLIOUS ONCE AND THAT WAS IT
SHE STOPPED THERE. Jimmy: WAS IT LATE AT NIGHT I HAVE NO IDEA.
I JUST REMEMBER HER TELLING ME, "OH, YEAH, I STOLE THE CAR." I WAS LIKE, "OKAY!
Jimmy: DOES MOM KNOW ABOUT THIS I DON'T THINK SO.
I HOPE SHE DOES, THOUGH, SO I'M NOT THE PERSON TO TELL HER Jimmy: OKAY, VERY GOOD.
LET'S HAVE DIXIE TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES OKAY --
SCREAMING OH, AM I LOUD Jimmy: DIXIE, THE QUESTION
WAS "WHEN WAS A TIME THAT YOU BROKE THE RULES THAT YOUR PARENTS STILL DON'T KNOW
ABOUT? WATCH HER EXPOSE HERSELF FOR SOMETHING ELSE
Jimmy: IT MIGHT HAPPEN. THAT MY PARENTS STILL DON'T KNOW ABOUT
Jimmy: DID YOU SNEAK OUT? OKAY, THEY KNOW THIS. I LITERALLY JUST TOLD THEM THIS
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, BUT I DID STEAL MY MOM'S CAR IN HIGH SCHOOL TO DRIVE TO MY FRIEND'S
[ BELL RINGING ] Jimmy: THAT IS CORRECT! OH, YOU'RE SO LUCKY!
YOU'RE SO LUCKY! I WANTED TO HEAR THE OTHER STORY CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE, "WHICH
ONE! YOU LUCKED OUT I WANTED HER TO SAY
SOMETHING ELSE IT'S LIKE WE JUST REVEALED TWO THINGS THAT OUR PARENTS DID NOT
KNOW Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR.
I GO, OH MY GOD. WELL, YOU GOT A GOOD SISTER RIGHT THERE.
YOU GUYS ARE GOOD. YEAH, YOU'RE GREAT SISTERS CONGRATS ON THAT
THAT IS, "KNOW YOUR SIS. "THE D'AMELIO SHOW" IS COMING TO HULU THIS SUMMER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE GUYS WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW" RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND
COME ON BACK Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE HOST OF "MIKE VECCHIONE
INVESTIGATES," AVAILABLE AT APPLE PODCAST. PLEASE WELCOME, ONE OF OUR
FAVORITES, BACK TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW" STAGE, THE VERY FUNNY, MIKE VECCHIONE
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU SO MUCH,
EVERYBODY. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO THANK
MR. JIMMY FALLON FOR BRINGING LIVE STAND-UP COMEDY BACK TO TELEVISION
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AMAZING. AND SHOUT-OUT TO NEW YORK CITY
WE'RE COMING BACK, BABY. WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT. WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'M GOING TO MISS ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, THOUGH
FOR EXAMPLE, WALKING INTO A RESTAURANT AND HAVING MY TEMPERATURE TAKEN LIKE I'M
BEING EXECUTED [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I ENJOY IT
"THIS IS TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE!" [ LAUGHTER ]
I LIKE IT WHEN THE HOSTESS TAKES A BREAK AND I GO UP AND TAKE THE THERMOMETER, AND I
JUST START USING IT ON PEOPLE FOR COMEDY REASONS A COUPLE WALKS IN.
YOU KNOW, I POINT IT TO THE WOMAN, AND I GO, "YOU'RE PREGNANT, YOU'RE PREGNANT.
THEN I POINT IT TO THE GUY AND GO, "YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER!" I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE GYM
AND THERE'S A LOT OF PAPER WORK AT THE GYM NOW I GO THERE
THE GUY GIVES ME, LIKE, TEN FORMS. I GO, "YEAH, I'M NOT TRYING TO
PURCHASE THE GYM [ LAUGHTER ] I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A
A WORKOUT. HE GOES, "WE'RE TRYING TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU'RE
HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE AT THE GYM. I'M LIKE, "HEY, BUDDY!
LET ME SAVE YOU SOME TROUBLE I'M NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE AT THE GYM.
IF I WAS HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE AT THE GYM, I WOULDN'T BE AT THE GYM, OKAY?
I'D BE AT HOME EATING DOUGHNUTS. I TRY TO KEEP UP WITH MY MENTAL
HEALTH I'M DOING AFFIRMATIONS AND THE AFFIRMATIONI DO IS
MILLIONAIRE MINDSET. EVERY MORNING I SIT ON THE COUCH, I CLOSE MY EYES, AND I
REPEAT THE PHRASE, "I AM A VERY POWERFUL MILLIONAIRE I AM A VERY POWERFUL
MILLIONAIRE. HEY, GUYS, I'M A VERY POWERFUL MILLIONAIRE.
GIRLFRIEND WALKS OUT, SHAKES ME, INTERRUPTS MY MINDSET, YOU KNOW
AND SHE GOES, "YOU LEFT THE DISHES IN THE SINK LAST NIGHT. IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING
LEAVING THE DISHES IN THE SINK?" I TURN TO HER, I'M LIKE, "DO
YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO [ LAUGHTER ] I AM A VERY POWERFUL
MILLIONAIRE. YOU CAN'T TALK TO A VERY POWERFUL MILLIONAIRE THAT WAY.
BUT LATER I FOUND OUT, SHE HAD BEEN DOING A BILLIONAIRE MINDSET.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT OUR EVENINGS CAN ESCALATE IN QUARANTINE.
THEY REALLY CAN. FOR EXAMPLE, MY GIRLFRIEND IS FROM INDIANA
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT PEOPLE FROM INDIANA DO NOT LIKE TO BE CALLED HILLBILLIES
YEAH THAT IS A SLUR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM IS
FARM TO TABLE. THE FARM TO TABLES DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU CALL THEM
HILLBILLIES. IT GETS THEIR OVERALLS IN A TWIST!
[ LAUGHTER ] SO, IT'S ESCALATING. SHE GOES, "YOU'RE ALWAYS MAD AT
ME THAT'S THE PROBLEM." I GO, "I DON'T THINK THAT'S
TRUE." SHE GOES, "IT IS AND TO PROVE IT, I'M GOING TO START A LOG
EVERY TIME YOU GET MAD AT ME, I'M GOING TO WRITE IT DOWN IN THE LOG.
I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, NO DISRESPECT, BUT YOU HAVE A A TENDENCY TO OVERREACT
SOMETIMES, SO I WOULD LIKE ACCESS TO THE LOG. SHE GOES, "NO YOU WILL NOT HAVE
ACCESS TO THE LOG. I GO, "WELL, THEN I'M GONNA START MY OWN LOG
EVERY TIME YOU DENY ME ACCESS TO YOUR LOG, I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN IN MY LOG."
AND THAT WAS THE LAST ARGUMENT WE HAD WE DON'T ARGUE ANYMORE, BECAUSE
IT'S TOO MUCH PAPER WORK [ LAUGHTER ] I FIGURE IF I WANT TO DO THAT
MUCH PAPER WORK, I'D GO TO THE GYM! [ APPLAUSE ]
I'M A CATHOLIC, AND I'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU GUYS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE WELCOME [ LAUGHTER ] WHEN YOU'RE CATHOLIC, WHAT YOU
DO IS YOU GO TO CHURCH IT'S OPEN NOW. IT'S LEGAL
YOU SAY A PRAYER, YOU LIGHT A CANDLE, BUT I'M A VERY COMPETITIVE CATHOLIC
SO BEFORE I LIGHT MY CANDLE, I BLOW EVERYBODY ELSE'S CANDLE OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'VE BEEN LOSING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEIGHT IN THE
QUARANTINE, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING INTERMITTENT FASTING AND THE PHILOSOPHY BEHIND
INTERMITTENT FASTING, IS THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT ALL THE TIME
SOMETIMES, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT AND I WAS DOING IT AS A CHILD,
BECAUSE MY FATHER HAD A GAMBLING PROBLEM HE WOULD LOSE THE MONEY THAT WE
WERE GOING TO USE TO BUY FOOD -- HE WOULD LOSE IT ON FOOTBALL
AND MY FRIENDS WERE NO HELP. THEY'RE LIKE, "MIKE, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THIS WEEK?"
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. DID THE DOLPHINS WIN BY THREE? THAT'S ALL MY TIME
YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING THANK YOU SO MUCH! NEW YORK CITY, BABY!
* Jimmy: MIKE VECCHIONE, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE IN THE
STUDIO MIKE VECCHIONE CHECK OUT MIKE VECCHIONE
YOU CAN'T SEE, BUT YOU'RE GETTING A STANDING OVATION WITH THOSE TEN PEOPLE RIGHT THERE
WE LOVE YOU, BUDDY THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT CHECK OUT "MIKE VECCHIONE
INVESTIGATES" AT APPLE PODCAST MY THANKS TO NORMAN REEDUS, CHARLI AND DIXIE D'AMELIO.
MIKE VECCHIONE, ONE MORE TIME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY. STAY SAFE.
WEAR A MASK. STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MYERS."