>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - CHELSEA HANDLER,
RUSSELL BRAND, COMEDIAN MARY BETH BARONE, AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, WOW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
OH, MY GOODNESS! HI WELCOME!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE. PLEASE WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME, PLEASE. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW,"
EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WHAT A CROWD
IT FEELS GREAT WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." WELL, GUYS, THIS IS VERY
EXCITING TODAY, NEW YORK LOWERED THE COVID VACCINE ELIGIBILITY TO
50 YEARS OLD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SO GOOD NEWS, NOW EVERY
NEW YORK CITY HOT DOG CAN GET THE VACCINE. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEP, NEW YORKERS WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET VACCINATED THIS MORNING, I SAW
TIMES SQUARE ELMO GETTING GRAY STREAKS. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE WAS WEARING A MASK. TECHNICALLY. DROPPING THE AGE REQUIREMENT TO
50 IS SUPER EXCITING UNTIL YOU GO FOR YOUR SHOT AND NO ONE CHECKS YOUR ID
IT'S LIKE, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE PROOF? IT'S LIKE, NO, YOU'RE FINE
MY MOM WOULD DO THAT ALL THE TIME "I GOT MY ID CHECKED TODAY AT
THE STORE. I GO -- "THEY DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE 21 YEARS OLD?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SHE REALLY DID DO THAT HONESTLY, THIS REALLY MEANS
THAT EVERYONE'S ELIGIBLE BECAUSE AFTER THE LAST YEAR EVEN KIDS LOOK 50.
"WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A A GOGURT AROUND HERE?" MEANWHILE, TODAY IN RUSSIA,
VLADIMIR PUTIN GOT HIS COVID VACCINE BUT THE KREMLIN WOULDN'T SAY WHICH VACCINE
PUTIN GOT. YUP, IT WILL EITHER BE SPUTNIK V., COVID-VAC OR
SMIRNOFF AND SMIRNOFF. [ LAUGHTER ] THE NURSE ASKED WHICH ARM AND
PUTIN SAID, "LET'S PICK" AND THEN GALLOPED AWAY SHIRTLESS ON A HORSE.
YUP, BY GETTING THE VACCINE, PUTIN MADE HISTORY AS THE FIRST RUSSIAN TO GET INJECTED WITH
SOMETHING AND LIVED TO TALK ABOUT IT [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
I MEAN, NORMALLY WHEN A RUSSIAN GETS INJECTED THEY'RE EITHER BEING POISONED OR PREPARING FOR
THE OLYMPICS LET'S BE HONEST. I GOT A "NICE" ON THAT
>> Steve: WOW, NICE. >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE THING ABOUT THESE TINIER, SMALLER
CROWDS >> Steve: INTIMATE >> Jimmy: VERBAL FEEDBACK.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: NICE
I'LL TAKE "NICE. SPEAKING OF THE PANDEMIC, I SAW THAT DOORDASH WILL NOW DELIVER
COVID TEST KITS TO YOUR HOUSE. YEAH, THE DOORDASH GUY WILL HOOK YOU UP WITH FAST FOOD,
COVID TESTS AND AFTER A LONG ENOUGH PAUSE, WEED "HERE IS YOUR DELIVERY
HERE IS YOUR TEST. LET ME SEE WHAT I GOT. >> Jimmy: I GOT TO BE HONEST,
IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE GETTING MEDICAL SUPPLIES FROM THE SAME GUY WHO BOUGHT YOU LUNCH FROM
FUDDRUCKERS. GET THIS, I SAW THAT THE THEME PARK, DISNEY CALIFORNIA
ADVENTURE JUST REOPENED. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN PAY $75 TO WALK AROUND THE PARK AND
BUY STUFF BUT NONE OF THE RIDES ARE RUNNING. THE CEO OF DISNEYLAND WAS ON
THE NEWS TO TALK ABOUT IT. CHECK IT OUT
OPERATING UNDER SOME
SIGNIFICANT CAPACITY CONSTRAINTS BUT THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF THINGS YOU CAN DO AT
THE PARK, LIKE ATTEND THE URINAL AT SPLASH MOUNTAIN. PRACTICE WAITING IN LINE
INVENT YOUR OWN RIDE BY GETTING STRANGERS TO SPIN AROUND IN CIRCLES WITH YOU
STAND IN THE HOT SUN FOR SIX HOURS LOOKING FOR SHADE. AND HAVE THE KIDS POSE WITH
MICKEY AND GOOFY ON THEIR SMOKE BREAKS >> Jimmy: THAT SOUNDS FUN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HEY, HEY, RUN THE TEA CUPS, RUN THE TEA CUPS
SOME NEWS OUT OF WASHINGTON THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S TEAM IS WORKING ON A
A $3 TRILLION PROPOSAL FOR JOBS, EDUCATION, AND INFRASTRUCTURE
YEAH $3 TRILLION. DOES JOE BIDEN HAVE A BUNCH OF
BITCOIN WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? YEP, THE PLAN WILL COST $3 TRILLION AND IT WILL BE PAID
FOR IN QUARTERS BIDEN FINDS BEHIND YOUR EAR. "HEY, WHIPPERSNAPPER."
[ LAUGHTER ] ACTUALLY TO PAY FOR HIS PLAN, BIDEN MAY RAISE TAXES ON
CORPORATIONS YOU CAN TELL BIG CORPORATIONS AREN'T HAPPY
THIS MORNING, WHEN BIDEN ASKED HIS IPHONE FOR THE WEATHER, SIRI WAS LIKE "TRY OPENING A
A WINDOW, BITCH. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: INDEED
THAT IS RUDE >> Jimmy: THIS WAS INTERESTING, ACCORDING TO THE WHITE HOUSE,
BIDEN AND FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA TALK ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME
YEAH, IT'S STRANGE WHEN THOSE GUYS TALK. HALF THE TIME THE OTHER IS
THINKING, "WILL THIS GUY WRAP IT UP ALREADY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BIDEN AND OBAMA ACTUALLY HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP, I MEAN, COMPARED TO THE LAST PRESIDENT
WHO TRIED TO HAVE HIS VP MURDERED SOME BUSINESS NEWS, I SAW THAT
POPEYE'S JUST ANNOUNCED PLANS TO OPEN ITS FIRST RESTAURANT IN THE UK
OH, MAN, THE MONARCHY IS ALREADY ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE
I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HANDLE A CHICKEN SANDWICH WAR YEAH, AT LONG LAST PEOPLE OF
THE UK WILL BE ABLE TO TASTE THAT EXOTIC DELICACY, CHICKEN ON BREAD
"MY WORD, WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS THIS ISN'T A SCONE AT ALL.
THIS IS A BUTTERMILK BISCUIT." >> Steve: "WAIT, THIS CHICKEN IS FRIED."
>> Jimmy: LISTEN TO THIS, THERE'S A NEW STUDY THAT FOUND THAT ON AVERAGE PEOPLE GAINED
TWO POUNDS PER MONTH DURING QUARANTINE KEEP IN MIND, SOME OF THAT
WEIGHT IS JUST LAYERS OF SWEATPANTS THAT ARE NOW MELDED TO YOUR BODY
[ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE WERE LIKE "WHOA, HANG ON, I GOT INJECTED WITH THE
VACCINE. THAT'S GOT TO WEIGH SOMETHING. WE ALL KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,
BECAUSE OVER THE LAST YEAR EITHER OUR MASKS GOT SMALLER OR OUR FACES GOT BIGGER
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? AND FINALLY, THIS IS CRAZY
A UTAH MAN'S RING DOORBELL CAMERA CAPTURED FOUR COUGARS OUTSIDE HIS FRONT DOOR
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT WHEN HE LOOKED BACK LATER, HE
SAW AN EMPTY PIZZA BOX AND A A TORN RED SHIRT THAT SAID "PAPA JOHN'S."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW WHEN I HEARD ABOUT FOUR COUGARS ON A CAMERA, I
THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW "SEX & THE CITY.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS
COME ON, NOW
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: WHOA, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT YOU CAN SEE HER STANDUP SPECIAL
"CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" ON HBO MAX. CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE PLUS, HIS NEW AUDIBLE ORIGINAL IS AVAILABLE STARTING THURSDAY,
RUSSELL BRAND IS HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: LOVE THE MAN
>> Jimmy: AND JOINING US IN STUDIO, WE'VE GOT STANDUP FROM THE VERY FUNNY
MARY BETH BARONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MARY BETH!
GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "TONIGHT SHOW POLLS.
HERE WE GO
>> Jimmy: NOW, THIS FIRST POLL ASKS "HOW MANY BOOKS HAVE YOU
READ IN QUARANTINE." 10% SAID TWO 20% SAID ONE
70% SAID I WATCH LUPIN WITH SUBTITLES, DOES THAT COUNT [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
LUPIN. THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "WHAT IS THE WORST TRIP YOU'VE EVER
TAKEN? 50% SAID A FAMILY TRIP 49% SAID A WORK RETREAT.
AND PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID WALKING UP THE STAIRS OF AIR FORCE ONE.
WHOA >> Steve: HEY. >> Jimmy: I LOVE IT.
THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU GAINED THIS PAST YEAR?
45% SAID A LITTLE BIT. 35% SAID A LOT 20% SAID "HAVE YOU SEEN THE
ZACK SNYDER CUT OF "JUSTICE LEAGUE? NOW IMAGINE THAT IN FAT.
[ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S A NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT
THIS NEXT ONE ASKS, "WHICH VACCINE ARE YOU HOPING TO GET? 34% SAID PFIZER.
36% SAID MODERNA 20% SAID MODFIZER. 10% SAID NOVAMOVATREXAMINE &
JOHNSON. >> Steve: OH, I DIDN'T GET OVER THAT ONE
[ APPLAUSE ] THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "DO YOU SHOWER IN THE MORNING OR AT
NIGHT? 80% SAID THE MORNING 18% AT NIGHT
2% SAID THE TOP HALF IN THE MORNING AND THE BOTTOM HALF AT NIGHT.
>> Steve: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S -
>> Jimmy: WHO'S DOING THESE POLLS? THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "HOW ARE
YOUR BOSS' ZOOM MEETINGS?" 40% SAID THEY COULD BE BETTER. 20% SAID THEY'RE AWFUL
40% SAID HA, HA, WHAT? THEY'RE GREAT. OKAY, NOW I'M MUTED?
YES, THEY'RE TERRIBLE, PLEASE HELP [ APPLAUSE ]
THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PUNCTUATION? 35% SAID EXCLAMATION POINTS.
30% SAID QUESTION MARKS? 25% SAID ELLIPSES, MAYBE 10% SAID PERIODS, PERIOD
[ APPLAUSE ] INTERESTING POLL THIS LAST POLL ASKS, "WHERE DO
YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME ON THE INTERNET?" 2% SAID FACEBOOK
2% SAID TIKTOK 96% SAID VACCINEFIGHTER.ORG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR "TONIGHT'S SHOW POLLS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW. EVERYBODY, COME ON BACK! *
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. NOW, WE ALL LOVE OUR PETS AND
EVERY PET OWNER THINKS THAT THEIR PET IS THE BEST. WELL, I WANTED TO SEE IF THAT
WAS TRUE SO IT'S TIME FOR "WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME?"
HERE WE GO
* WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME
BETTER THAN ME * >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LET'S MEET OUR FIRST PET.
HELLO! HEY THERE, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM
>> HI, MY NAME'S BETH GALLAGHER AND I'M FROM MANCHESTER, ENGLAND.
>> Jimmy: BETH, WELCOME TO THE SHOW LOOK AT YOUR DOG
NOW TELL US ABOUT YOUR DOG THERE. >> WELL, THIS IS LOLA LOUISE,
SHE'S 3 YEARS OLD AND SHE'S A MINIATURE DACHSHUND. >> Jimmy: SHE'S GORGEOUS
NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME >> MY PET'S BETTER THAN YOU
BECAUSE SHE'S A VERY PASSIONATE MUSICIAN >> Jimmy: I LIKE THIS.
LOLA, LET'S SEE WHAT LOLA CAN DO HERE WE GO
OH, WOW. * [ BARKING
>> Jimmy: OH, GOD. OKAY *
[ BARKING >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT VERY GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, VERY NICE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LOLA, PLEASE, THANK YOU.
LOLA [ BARKING >> Jimmy: YEAH, I AGREE.
I AGREE. BETTER THAN ME I GOT YOU.
THANK YOU, BETH. LET'S MEET OUR NEXT PET. HELLO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND
WHERE ARE YOU FROM >> HI, I'M JULIE CARDOZA AND I'M FROM SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.
>> Jimmy: SAN JOSE [ APPLAUSE ] AND WHO DO YOU HAVE THERE WITH
YOU? >> THIS BIG, BEAUTIFUL GUY IS OUR 19-YEAR-OLD HYACINTH MACAW
HIS NAME IS GORDON AND HE'S PART OF OUR HAPPY BIRDS SHOW >> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH
BEAUTIFUL, 19 YEARS OLD, HUH WOW. >> SUPER PLAYFUL
>> Jimmy: JULIA, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME >> OH, WELL, NOT ONLY IS HE
A GOOD-LOOKING PARROT, HE ACTUALLY CAN OPEN UP CANS OF SODA WITH HIS BEAK
>> Jimmy: THIS IS INTERESTING. I CAN'T DO THAT. LET'S SEE THIS
>> COME ON, GORDON >> Jimmy: COME ON, GORDON. WHOA, HEY LOOK AT THAT
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I'D TRAVEL WITH GORDON, I'D BE THE HIT OF THE PARTY WAIT, I HAVE A CATCH THOUGH FOR
YOU. WHAT IF I'M A CLASSIER INDIVIDUAL AND I ONLY DRINK
BOTTLES OF SODA? >> WELL WE HAVE A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR THAT.
BECAUSE THIS GUY HAS ONE OF THE STRONGEST BEAKS OF ALL THE BIRDS IN THE WORLD
HE CAN ACTUALLY REMOVE BOTTLE CAPS >> Jimmy: WE'VE GOT TO SEE
THIS DRUM ROLL. >> I SHOULD MENTION THAT
PARROTS CAN CRACK VERY HARD NUTS SO REMOVING A BOTTLE CAP WILL NOT HURT HIM ONE BIT.
GORDON, ARE YOU READY? >> Jimmy: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A A DIFFERENT TALENT HAPPENING
>> COME ON, GORDON YOU CAN DO IT, GORDON. >> LOOK AT THE FORCE
>> Jimmy: COME ON, GORDON. >> OH MY GOD >> Jimmy: FOCUS, GORDON, FOCUS
YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: THAT'S MY MAN, GORDON, RIGHT THERE. THAT IS THE WAY TO DO IT
THAT IS IMPRESSIVE THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELL, WELL DONE.
>> LOOK AT THAT. HE'S GOT IT HARD ENOUGH IN HIS BEAK RIGHT THERE
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO, ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET OUR LAST PET HERE
WELCOME -- [ LAUGHTER ] WELCOME, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND
WHERE ARE YOU FROM >> HELLO, MY NAME IS CHRISTIE AND I'M FROM CALGARY, CANADA
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: COME ON -- JAMAL IS BROKEN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR
PET. I DON'T SEE YOUR PET, DO I >> YEAH, SHE'S OUT OF THE ROOM
RIGHT NOW. SHE IS A 2-YEAR-OLD WHIPPET AND SHE IS PART OF A PERFORMANCE
TEAM HERE AT FRESCO DOG SHOWS. >> Jimmy: OKAY SORRY, THE SCREEN JUST WENT
OUT. WE ARE SPONSORED BY HTM1, THAT'S WHERE WE AIR IN CANADA.
CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME, SO CAN YOU TELL ME, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME
>> MY PET IS BETTER THAN YOU JIMMY BECAUSE SHE CAN POP 60 BALLOONS FASTER THAN YOU
CAN. >> Jimmy: OKAY COULD WE PUT A TIMER UP AND SEE
HOW LONG -- WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE DOG AGAIN? >> PIXEL
>> Jimmy: PIXEL, I LOVE THAT NAME ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY, LET'S GET HER IN HERE POP, POP, POP! >> Jimmy: OH, MY
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY -- WOW! OH, MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE PIXEL -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: HEY, NOT BAD THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
PIXEL, DID IT IN 28, 29 SECONDS UNBELIEVABLE
PIXEL ALSO DOES KIDS' BIRTHDAY PARTIES AS WELL, EVERYONE. THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A GREAT JOB THANK YOU TO ALL OF OUR TALENTED PETS, LOLA, GORDON,
AND PIXEL. I LOVE YOU GUYS. LOOK, HE'S DUNKING A
A BASKETBALL IF YOU HAVE A PET THAT YOU THINK IS BETTER THAN ME, I WANT
TO SEE IT, GO TO TONIGHTSHOW.COM/WHYISYOURPETBETT TO SUBMIT A VIDEO OF YOUR PET.
STICK AROUND WE'LL BE BACK WITH CHELSEA HANDLER.
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY. * >> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS
A FIVE-TIME NUMBER ONE "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING AUTHOR AND A VERY FUNNY
COMEDIAN HER ACCLAIMED STANDUP SPECIAL "CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" IS
STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX HERE IS THE ALWAYS ENTERTAINING, CHELSEA HANDLER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HEY! >> OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUCH A
A GREAT SETUP FOR US, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: IT IS GREAT, RIGHT CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING? THIS IS LIKE BIG FOR US. WE HAVE ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR YOU
AND EVERYTHING >> I KNOW THAT YOU NEEDED TO GET BACK IN THE STUDIO THAT
THAT WAS YOUR THING, SO YOU'RE IN THE STUDIO AND I LIKE JUST BEING AT MY HOUSE, SO THIS IS
PERFECT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHERE ACTUALLY ARE
YOU TALKING TO ME FROM >> I'M IN WHISTLER, CANADA, I'VE BEEN SKIING A LOT THIS
WINTER >> Jimmy: YEAH >> I'VE TURNED INTO A MOUNTAIN
WOMAN, JIMMY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RECOGNIZE ME WHEN I GET BACK
>> Jimmy: BUT DO YOU EVER GET INJURED SKIING DO YOU EVER FALL DOWN?
>> OH, YEAH, I WIPE OUT ALL THE TIME I SKI INTO TREE -- I'M A MESS.
I MEAN, HELLO. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO -- BUT IT'S JUST SO GOOD
TO GET SO GOOD AT SOMETHING AT THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE. LIKE, I JUST TURNED 46
SO TO GET SO GOOD AT SKIING IN MY 40s SHOULD BE INSPIRING TO ANYBODY WHO EVER HAS A DREAM OF
DOING SOMETHING LIKE SPORTY THAT THEY WANT TO GO FOR, YOU CAN DO IT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I SAW ON INSTAGRAM THAT YOU POSTED CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOUR
RECENT BIRTHDAY, AND IT WAS ENTERTAINING TO SAY -- IT'S VERY, I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN
EVEN AIR IT BUT WE MIGHT HAVE WORKED ON SOMETHING. >> I THINK YOU CAN AIR IT.
I MEAN, EVERYTHING'S COVERED THAT NEEDS TO BE COVERED I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM
WOULD BE >> Jimmy: THIS IS -- CAN WE TAKE A LOOK?
THIS IS CHELSEA CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY SKIING IN CANADA.
*
THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO HERE [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HOW DID YOU GET THOSE FLAGS TO STICK? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I HAD -- LISTEN, I HAD A MARGARITA IN ONE HAND AND A JOINT IN THE OTHER AND I
WANTED TO PROMOTE HEALTHY, HAPPY, FUN LIVING. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU ALWAYS DO -- COME ON
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR STANDUP SPECIAL, "CHELSEA EVOLUTION."
WE TALKED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT LAST TIME. IT'S ON HBO MAX.
YOU KNOW I'M A FAN OF STANDUP. IN FACT, THE WHOLE SHOW TONIGHT THERE'S THREE STANDUPS THAT ARE
ON OUR SHOW TONIGHT. >> THAT'S COOL >> Jimmy: BUT I LOVE THIS FOR
MANY REASONS YOU KNOW I'M A FAN BUT THE ONE THING -- WHEN YOU SEE A GREAT
STANDUP, YOU CAN TELL A JOKE JUST BY MOVING YOUR EYES EVEN AND YOU CAN TELL THE JOKE.
YOU LOOK RIGHT DOWN THE BARREL AND YOU JUST GO LIKE, AND IT'S FUNNY.
AND DO YOU THAT, AND YOU WATCH THE SPECIAL TO SEE HOW BRILLIANT YOU ARE DOING THAT,
BUT I LOVE THE SPECIAL I LOVE THAT YOU DO THAT BECAUSE IT ALMOST REMINDS ME OF LIKE,
SORT OF LIKE A TURN THAT YOU DO, BUT YOU CAN JUST DO IT AND GET A LAUGH.
MY FAVORITE BIT IS ABOUT THE RETREAT, BY THE WAY. I WOULD SAY THAT WAS MY
FAVORITE ONE BUT THERE'S -- >> I WENT TO A SILENT RETREAT.
BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T -- YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO GET -- I DON'T WANT
THEM TO MISUNDERSTAND ME I DID NOT GO TO A SILENT RETREAT ON PURPOSE
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, AND I WON'T GO AGAIN LIKE, I'M INTO THERAPY AND
HEALING BUT I'M NOT GOING -- I'M NOT THAT FAR GONE. >> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.
BUT WASN'T IT A FRIEND THAT VISITED YOU FROM HIGH SCHOOL THAT KEPT TALKING TO YOU AND
YOU GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK I'M READY FOR A SILENT RETREAT AFTER AN HOUR OF
TALKING TO YOU." [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT
IT WAS GOING TO BE >> YEAH, WELL, JERSEY ACCENTS CAN BE TRICKY AND SHE HAS
A STRONG ONE, SO AFTER 48 HOURS OF HER IN MY HOUSE, I WAS OPEN TO A LOT OF THINGS
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: NOT ONLY IS THE SPECIAL FUNNY, AND I DON'T EVEN
KNOW HOW YOU PULLED IT OFF, TO BE HONEST, AND HOW YOU SHOT IT DURING COVID SAFELY.
IT LOOKED BEAUTIFUL. BUT ALSO, IT'S VERY MOVING IT'S VERY EMOTIONAL.
YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, WHO PASSED AWAY AND HOW THAT AFFECTED YOUR FAMILY
BUT DO YOU IT IN A VERY OPEN WAY AND THEN BRING IT BACK AROUND AND MAKE ME LAUGH AGAIN
I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST SO BRAVE AND JUST IT WAS A WELL-DONE SPECIAL.
CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, JIMMY. THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME
BECAUSE I WANTED SO BADLY TO CONTRIBUTE DURING THIS TIME. WE'RE GOING THROUGH LIKE THE
WORST THING ANY OF US HAVE EVER COLLECTIVELY EXPERIENCED TOGETHER AS AN ENTIRE GLOBAL
COMMUNITY. AND TO BE ABLE TO PUT, I WAS LIKE, I JUST WANT TO MAKE
PEOPLE FEEL NOT ONLY JUST LAUGH. BUT I WANT THEM TO MAKE -- I
WANT THEM TO BE SEEN I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SEEN I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT
THEY'RE NOT ALONE AND NONE OF US IS ALONE. WE ALL ARE EXPERIENCING THINGS
AND IT'S JUST, IT'S GOOD TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT EVERYONE HAS PAIN, HAS TRAUMA, HAS ALL THAT,
AND YOU CAN STILL GET THROUGH IT, AND BE HAPPY AGAIN >> Jimmy: WHAT KIND OF FEEDBACK
HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING FROM THE SPECIAL? >> I MEAN, I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF
FEEDBACK OF PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO THEIR SIBLINGS IN A LONG TIME AND HAVE REUNITED.
WHICH, YOU KNOW, ALL I NEED IS ONE PERSON TO TELL ME THAT STORY AND I FEEL LIKE I DID
SOMETHING. BUT THAT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO REUNITE WITH
THEIR FAMILIES BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SPEAK TO THEIR BROTHERS OR THEIR SISTERS OR
THEIR PARENTS. AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE VERY GOOD REASONS, BUT
A LOT OF US DON'T. A LOT OF US ARE JUST HOLDING ON TO SMALL STUFF
SO IF THAT OPENS THE DOOR FOR PEOPLE, I STILL TALK TO MY FAMILY AND I SHOULD HAVE SHUT
THEM, YOU KNOW, CUT THEM OFF YEARS AGO. [ LAUGHTER ]
I CAME TO CANADA, BUT MY FAMILY COULDN'T COME. SO I WAS LIKE, HEY
I GO, "YOU GUYS, HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS. I'M GOING TO CANADA AND NO ONE
ELSE IS ALLOWED IN." SO IT'S LIKE MY YEAR OF FREEDOM FROM MY FAMILY, AND NOW NEXT
YEAR, YOU KNOW, I'LL HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE FOR THIS >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS, OF
COURSE YOU WILL. I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE IS CHELSEA HANDLER IN
"EVOLUTION." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> I DON'T LIKE TO SEE VETS OUT
OF OFFICE, OKAY? AND NOT RUNNING IN PACKS, EITHER
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VETS I RESPECT, LIKE, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO
LIKE, THE INTENTION IS NICE. "OH, YOU WANT TO WORK WITH ANIMALS, GREAT."
THEY'RE JUST TOO VAGUE ALL OF THEIR ANSWERS ARE TOO VAGUE.
I'VE HAD TOO MANY RESCUE DOGS. I'VE HAD SEVEN OR EIGHT AND I'VE BROUGHT THEM IN EVERY
SINGLE TIME TO FIND OUT HOW OLD THEY ARE AND NO MATTER WHAT VET I'M SEEING, THE ANSWER IS THE
SAME "THEY'RE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 12."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT? WHAT KIND OF MARGIN OF ERROR --
ARE YOU A DOCTOR OR NOT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: CHELSEA HANDLER,
EVERYBODY. CHECK OUT "EVOLUTION," STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX
WE GOT SOME GOOD LAUGHS IN CHELSEA AND I ARE PLAYING "WHEEL OF OPINIONS" WHEN WE
COME BACK. STICK AROUND *
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WE'RE HERE WITH CHELSEA HANDLER, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, NOW >> IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BED HEAD
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN BETWEEN THE BREAK. >> Jimmy: MY GOODNESS.
DOESN'T IT FEEL GOOD TO HEAR APPLAUSE AND JUST EVEN THOUGH -
>> I'M HAPPIER FOR YOU TO HEAR THE APPLAUSE BUT YES, IT FEELS GREAT.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, BUD CHELSEA, YOU'RE KNOWN FOR HAVING STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT
ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF THINGS. SO WITH THAT IN MIND, I'D LIKE TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU CALLED
"WHEEL OF OPINIONS." HERE WE GO
* WHEELS OF OPINIONS *
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS PLAYING SOMETHING WITH US. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS, I'M GOING
TO HIT THIS BUTTON WHICH WILL ACTIVATE THE OPINION TOPIC GENERATOR AND IT'LL LAND ON
A RANDOM TOPIC AND WHATEVER IT IS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR OPINION ON IT.
OKAY COULD BE RIGHT OR WRONG, COULD BE SHORT, LONG, HERE WE GO
READY? NOW WE GO. [ BEEPING
ALL RIGHT, GOATEES >> GOATEES CAN GO "F" THEMSELVES
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, NOW COME ON -- MY GOODNESS >> IT'S OUT OF STYLE AND
THEY'RE GROSS, SO JUST STOP IT [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: REALLY
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT'S EVER -- NO >> IT'S NOT -- NO, JUST STOP
IT EITHER GROW A BEARD, EVEN A MUSTACHE IS COOLER THAN
A GOATEE A GOATEE IS SO UNCOOL. ALL IT SAYS TO ME IS THAT
YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN. [ AUDIENCE OHS ] >> Jimmy: LET'S GET ANOTHER
TOPIC, HERE WE GO. [ BEEPING I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE AN
OPINION ON THIS. LEGALIZING MUSHROOMS >> MY MUSHROOMS ARE JUST ABOUT
TO KICK IN I TAKE MUSHROOMS ALMOST EVERY DAY.
I MEAN, MICRODOSING MUSHROOMS IS A GAME CHANGER, AND PSILOCYBIN IS GOOD FOR
EVERYBODY. IT GIVES YOU -- IT PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD, IT KEEPS YOU
UPBEAT, AND MAKES YOU APPRECIATE NATURE. SO YEAH, LEGALIZING MUSHROOMS
FOR SURE >> Jimmy: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ]
I KNOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF BECAUSE I'VE SEEN THE -- WHAT WAS THE AYAHUASCA ONE
IS THAT MUSHROOMS? >> OH, YEAH, AYAHUASCA I'LL DO ANY DRUG
I'LL TRY ANYTHING FOR ALL OF HUMANITY, GIVE IT TO ME FIRST. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE
GO CHELSEA, ARE YOU RUBBING YOUR HANDS?
OR IS THERE A DOG? >> OH, THERE IS A DOG. [ LAUGHTER ]
DID YOU THINK I -- >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT AS HAPPENING.
YOU WERE LIKE -- YOU WERE GETTING INTO LIKE A DANCE ROUTINE FOR A SECOND
>> HOLD ON LET ME TRY AND GET HIM UP HERE HE'S PRETTY BIG.
OH >> Jimmy: OH PRETTY BIG, OH MY, CHELSEA, BE
CAREFUL! >> SAY HI, BUDDY SAY HI
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME LOOK AT THAT CUTE DOG.
HI, BUDDY. >> OH, HE'S FALLING OFF NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S MY PROOF, YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY PROOF! >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO
LET'S GET ANOTHER TOPIC. THAT WAS A GREAT EXIT. HERE WE GO
[ BEEPING OH, OKAY >> FROZEN --
>> Jimmy: VERSUS ON THE ROCKS MARGARITAS >> YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST WANT TO
SAY IS, YOU BROUGHT UP MUSHROOMS WHICH I DID JUST TAKE SOME RIGHT BEFORE OUR
INTERVIEW, SOME CHOCOLATE MUSHROOMS. AND I MADE MYSELF A FROZEN --
WELL, NO, A MARGARITA ON THE ROCKS FOR OUR SPECIAL INTERVIEW, SO THIS IS ALL
COMING TOGETHER VERY NICELY. >> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH [ APPLAUSE ]
IT'S ALMOST -- LOOK, THE DOG IS LEAVING. CHELSEA, I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
FOR "WHEEL OF OPINIONS." MY BEST TO CHELSEA HANDLER HER STAND-UP SPECIAL, "CHELSEA
HANDLER EVOLUTION," IS STREAMING ON HBO MAX CHECK IT OUT
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. COME ON BACK
* >> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A A TALENTED PERFORMER AND "NEW
YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING AUTHOR HE HAS A NEW AUDIBLE ORIGINAL
CALLED "REVELATION: CONNECTING WITH THE SACRED IN EVERYDAY LIFE."
WHICH IS AVAILABLE STARTING THURSDAY, EXCLUSIVELY ON AUDIBLE.
HERE IS RUSSELL BRAND!
* >> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS,
THAT'S THE REAL DEAL LOOK AT THAT THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THAT IS A STUD RIGHT THERE RUSSELL BRAND, IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS >> IT'S AN HONOR TO COME ON YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAM WITH
YOU TO DISCUSS THIS REVELATION BOOK THAT I'VE WRITTEN, AUDIBLE ORIGINAL
>> Jimmy: YES. [ LAUGHTER ] IT FEELS LIKE YOU HAVE TO
LEGALLY SAY "AUDIBLE ORIGINAL. >> NO, THAT'S JUST NATURALLY HOW I SPEAK.
THESE ARE JUST MY NATURAL SPEECH RHYTHMS I SAY, "AUDIBLE ORIGINAL."
FOR ME, IT'S A NATURAL THING TO SAY. WHAT IS A BOOK
WHAT IS THE POINT IN A BOOK? WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR US
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT IS GOING ON >> SEE THAT IN THE BACKGROUND,
THAT'S SATIRE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I MISS YOU, BUDDY.
I WANT TO TALK - >> THEY'RE ALL AUDIBLE ORIGINALS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL "REVELATION" AUDIBLE ORIGINAL. THE ORIGINAL VISION YOU HAD FOR
THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU ENDED UP WITH CAN YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT THE
ORIGINAL PLAN FOR "REVELATION" WAS? >> YEAH, MY PLAN WAS TO TRAVEL
AROUND THE WORLD, AND WHILE DOING THAT, I WAS GOING TO MEET PEOPLE
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE SACRED, SO THAT I COULD REALIZE AND ACTUALIZE MYSELF
ALONG THE WAY I WAS PLANNING TO DO A LOT OF HANDSHAKING AND EXCHANGE SPORES ORALLY WITH
WISE PEOPLE. THEN THERE WAS A LITTLE OLD EVENT CALLED
CORONAVIRUS 19 THAT REALLY PUT A SPANNER IN THE WORKS, JIMMY. SO I WAS REDUCED TO SORT OF
SITTING ON MY OWN MEDITATING AND TRYING TO CONTACT THE DIVINE THAT WAY.
>> Jimmy: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THIS? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
"REVELATION? >> "REVELATION" IS, AND THIS IS A TOUGH ONE REALLY, BECAUSE
LET'S FACE IT, I'M ON YOUR TV SHOW TO PROMOTE AN AUDIBLE ORIGINAL
THERE IS NO SANCTUARY, NO PEACE, NO GLORY, NO CONNECTION UNLESS WE JOURNEY WITHIN
BUT THE REASON THE WORLD IS FRAGMENTING, FRACTURING, FALLING APART IS BECAUSE WE'VE
BECOME LOST IN AN ILLUSION THAT'S WHY I'VE COME ON YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAM TO PROMOTE
IT TO YOU. >> Jimmy: THROUGHOUT "REVELATION" YOU TALK A LOT
ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, AND LIKE ME, YOU HAVE TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS AT HOME.
WHAT WAS LOCKDOWN LIKE WITH TWO KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF FIVE >> OH, JIMMY, THAT WAS A
A REVELATION IN ITSELF IT'S BECAUSE -- WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS IS
LIKE EXPERIENCING EXTREMELY POWERFUL LOVE, LACED WITH DEVASTATING RUDENESS
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BY YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTERS?
I'M SORRY, JUST TO CLARIFY >> WELL, I REALLY, REALLY TRY MY BEST TO REMAIN LEVEL-HEADED
YOU KNOW, LIKE, SAY IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE PLACE AND THEY SAY, "I'M NOT LEAVING THIS
PLACE. I'M NOT LEAVING. AND YOU GO, "IT'S OKAY FOR YOU
TO WANT TO STAY AT THE PARTY AND I HEAR THAT YOU WANT TO STAY AT THE PARTY, BUT WE DO
HAVE TO LEAVE. WHAT MY DAUGHTER SAID IS "YOU'RE A [ BLEEP ].
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT IN THE WORLD? >> MY DOG IS TRYING TO GET IN.
LET HIM IN >> Jimmy: CAN YOUR DOG DO ANY TRICKS, RUSSELL?
>> YEAH, KIND OF COME IN HERE [ WHISTLING
NOT NEW ONES BEAR, COME ON IN >> Jimmy: OH, SORRY.
BEAR IS THE NAME OF YOUR DOG >> YEAH, THERE HE IS, LOOK >> Jimmy: BEAR
BEAR >> HE'S MAGNIFICENT. >> Jimmy: BEAR, SIT.
OH, LOOK AT THAT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE RUSSELL, IF YOUR PARENTING IS
ANYTHING LIKE YOUR DOG TRAINING, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, MY FRIEND
UM, RUSS, I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUICK THING, IF YOU DON'T MIND
I'D LIKE TO, IF YOU DON'T MIND, TEACH ME A BREATHING EXERCISE. IS THAT OKAY
SO ANYONE AT HOME WOULD LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX >> OKAY, THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE
BREATHING EXERCISE IT WAS TAUGHT TO ME BY A GREAT TEACHER, HER NAME IS
BIET SIMKIN. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN ON YOUR HEELS.
IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND. THIS BREATHING EXERCISE, YOU COULD EXPERIENCE A GLIMPSE OF
THE DIVINE I THINK YOU COULD EXPERIENCE A A TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF YOUR
EGO. >> Jimmy: ARE YOU JUST MAKING ME SIT LIKE BEAR, I FEEL LIKE
BEAR >> WHEN YOU INHALE, JIM, YOU GOT TO INHALE VERY, VERY DEEPLY
INTO YOUR BELLY. AS IF YOU'RE PREGNANT WITH OXYGEN ITSELF.
OKAY THIS IS WHAT INHALE WOULD LOOK LIKE
WITH THE CHIN POINTING SKYWARD, OKAY WE INHALE LIKE THIS.
FILLING THE BELLY. AND WHEN YOU EXHALE, YOU FALL FORWARD.
LIKE THAT. YOU COLLAPSE INTO IT, OKAY SO INHALE LIKE THIS.
AND YOU EXHALE -- FLEX FORWARD AND RELAX. >> Jimmy: I THINK I FELT IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, JIMMY, THAT'S NOT IT. THIS IS --
THAT'S NOT IT. ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOU TO THE NEXT LEVEL
SO, YOU DO THREE INHALATIONS LIKE THAT. WHERE YOU FILL YOUR BELLY.
AND ON THE FOURTH INHALATION, YOU STAND ON YOUR KNEES LIKES THAT
OKAY, YOU THRUST UP. SORRY FOR THAT SHOT. I'M SO SORRY FOR THAT SHOT
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE AN EXHALE. IT'S LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY, ELVIS
THE PELVIS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT'S IN REVERSE.
LET ME MOVE BACK A BIT >> Jimmy: YEP. >> ALL RIGHT, JIM, THE FOURTH
ONE IS THE BIG ONE YOU GOT TO REALLY PULL IT IN SO, INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT,
EXHALE INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT, EXHALE
INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT AND ON THIS ONE, STAND UP ON THE KNEES, INHALE.
HOLD IT. PUMP THE BELLY OUT, PUMP THE BELLY OUT, NOW EXHALE.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU OH MY GOSH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> JIMMY, YOU SHOULD FEEL A LOT CLOSER TO GOD. >> Jimmy: RUSSELL BRAND,
EVERYONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> I HOPE YOU FEEL HEALED.
>> Jimmy: RUSSELL BRAND, EVERYONE "REVELATION: CONNECTING WITH
THE SACRED IN EVERYDAY LIFE" COMES TO AUDIBLE ON THURSDAY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND
UP FROM MARY BETH BARONE STICK AROUND EVERYBODY *
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST CAN BE SEEN THIS MAY IN A NEW COMEDY CENTRAL DIGITAL SERIES
MAKING HER TELEVISION DEBUT HERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW," PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY
MARY BETH BARONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> HI. HELLO. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS MARY BETH, AND I AM ACTUALLY LIVING PROOF THAT EVEN
SELF-AWARE WHITE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE IT'S 2021, PEOPLE ARE GETTING WOKE, RIGHT? AND I'M FROM CONNECTICUT
I COME FROM A GREAT FAMILY, SO I'M, LIKE, CONSTANTLY CHECKING MY PRIVILEGE
[ LAUGHTER ] TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL THERE. [ APPLAUSE ]
'CAUSE THEY KEEP TRYING TO TAKE IT AND I'M LIKE, "NO." [ LAUGHTER ]
I NEED THAT, ACTUALLY. MY FAMILY ISN'T WEALTHY. WE ARE COMFORTABLE, SO HOW I
DESCRIBE IT IS WE DO BELONG TO A YACHT CLUB, BUT WE DON'T OWN A YACHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] OR ANOTHER WAY OF THINKING ABOUT IT, I DON'T HAVE A TRUST
FUND TO INHERIT, BUT I WAS GRANDFATHERED INTO UNLIMITED DATA
[ LAUGHTER ] MY PARENTS WERE SUPER SUPPORTIVE OF MY COMEDY,
ESPECIALLY MY DAD. 'CAUSE HE DID STANDUP BACK IN THE '70s, AND THEN, HE TOOK THE
EASY WAY OUT AND BECAME A SURGEON. SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY WE'RE
BOTH IN THE BUSINESS OF SAVING LIVES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MY MOM'S JUST HAPPY I DIDN'T END UP IN A CAREER THAT WOULD EMBARRASS THE FAMILY LIKE BEING
A SERIAL KILLER. OR A VENTURE CAPITALIST. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY HAVE SIX KIDS, MY MOM AND DAD. NOW THERE'S GRANDKIDS, AND I
LOVE MY NIECES, BUT I DO HAVE BEEF WITH MY ONE NEPHEW. HE'S SIX YEARS OLD
AND THE OTHER DAY, HE ASKED MY SISTER-IN-LAW, HE SAID, "IS MARY BETH MY AUNT OR MY
COUSIN?" AND SHE SAID, "MARY BETH IS YOUR AUNT.
AND HE SAID, "WELL THEN WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS ACT LIKE A A CHILD?
[ LAUGHTER ] WHICH I THOUGHT WAS PRETTY RUDE, SO I RAN AND TOLD MY MOM
HE WAS BULLYING ME, AND GOT HIM IN TROUBLE [ APPLAUSE ]
I LOVE KIDS. I REALLY DO. I LOVE KIDS SO MUCH, I'M NOT
GOING TO HAVE ANY. [ LAUGHTER ] AND WHENEVER I SAY THAT, THE
RESPONSE IS ALWAYS THE SAME. PEOPLE TELL ME, "YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND, BECAUSE IF YOU NEVER HAVE KIDS, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF." AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, THAT'S
EXACTLY MY POINT." [ LAUGHTER ] THAT WOULD BE IDEAL, ACTUALLY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR KIDS ANYWAY I HAVE MY HANDS FULL
I'M DATING A 27-YEAR-OLD [ LAUGHTER ] AND WE MET ONLINE.
HE LIVES IN ENGLAND SO THIS DEFINITELY WAS NOT PART OF MY PLAN
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I WAS GOING TO DATE A GUY, HE WOULD BE REALLY OLD
LIKE ON DEATH'S DOOR, 40 OR SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I JUST FEEL LIKE DATING AN OLD GUY WOULD BE REALLY CHILL 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO TIRED TO DO
ANYTHING AND THE FONT ON THEIR PHONE IS SO BIG, YOU CAN READ ALL THEIR
TEXTS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
I THOUGHT OF THAT JOKE WHEN I WAS AT DINNER WITH MY DAD. BUT HE'S MARRIED
[ LAUGHTER ] THE GUY I'M DATING IS FULLY BRITISH, SO THERE'S OBVIOUSLY
A LANGUAGE BARRIER I'VE BEEN TAKING CLASSES, WHICH HAVE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL
BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, ALL OF MY BRITISH CULTURAL REFERENCES WERE WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE
SPICE GIRLS MOVIE. TURNS OUT ENGLAND HAS A RICH HISTORY OF GIRL GROUPS I NEVER
EVEN KNEW ABOUT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND THINGS ARE GOING WELL, BUT
I DON'T KNOW WE'RE JUST LIKE AT DIFFERENT POINTS IN OUR LIVES BECAUSE
HE'S FIVE HOURS AHEAD. [ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, BABY,
GO TO BED. IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL IS
SUSPENDED RIGHT NOW, SO HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO COME HERE AND I KNOW, LIKE, THE VIRUS AND
ALL THAT, BUT IT'S ANNOYING, BECAUSE HE'S WONDERFUL AND I JUST KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN
ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE I LEGALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BE ALLOWED TO
SEE. THE GUY WHO RAN MARATHONS COMES TO MIND, OR THE GUY WHOSE
FAVORITE BAND WAS THE BEATLES. OR HOW ABOUT THE GUY WHO TEXTED ME TWO SUMMERS AGO AT THREE IN
THE MORNING, "WHAT YOU UP TO?" WHERE WERE YOU THEN, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO INTERVENE WHEN I TOOK A $60 UBER TO BROOKLYN
[ LAUGHTER ] SLEPT IN A BED WITH NAVY BLUE SHEETS AND ONE PILLOW?
WHERE WERE YOU [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME NOW,
AND I'M SO HAPPY, BECAUSE AFTER YEARS OF HOOKING UP WITH COMEDIANS, I FINALLY FOUND A
A GUY WITH A REAL JOB. HE'S AN ACTOR. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH I'M MARY BETH.
* >> Jimmy: THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
MARY BETH BARONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MARY BETH BARONE
LOOK FOR MARY BETH ON COMEDY CENTRAL DIGITAL THIS MAY MY THANKS TO CHELSEA HANDLER,
RUSSELL BRAND, MARY BETH BARONE, AND THE ROOTS RIGHT OVER THERE
JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT WE'LL HAVE ALEXANDER SKARSGARD AND KAROL G ON THE SHOW.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY. STAY SAFE.
WEAR A MASK. STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS.