1 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:13,113 >> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART 2 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:17,984 OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON." 3 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:23,690 TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - CHELSEA HANDLER, 4 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:28,595 RUSSELL BRAND, COMEDIAN MARY BETH BARONE, AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY 5 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:39,072 ROOTS CREW >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON 6 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:50,050 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * * 7 00:00:50,050 --> 00:01:02,228 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, WOW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 8 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,797 OH, MY GOODNESS! HI WELCOME! 9 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,866 THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE. PLEASE WELCOME, WELCOME, 10 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:11,071 WELCOME, PLEASE. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," 11 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:16,810 EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WHAT A CROWD 12 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,412 IT FEELS GREAT WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." WELL, GUYS, THIS IS VERY 13 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:23,316 EXCITING TODAY, NEW YORK LOWERED THE COVID VACCINE ELIGIBILITY TO 14 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:29,089 50 YEARS OLD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SO GOOD NEWS, NOW EVERY 15 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:33,993 NEW YORK CITY HOT DOG CAN GET THE VACCINE. [ LAUGHTER ] 16 00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:36,629 YEP, NEW YORKERS WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET VACCINATED THIS MORNING, I SAW 17 00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:45,905 TIMES SQUARE ELMO GETTING GRAY STREAKS. [ LAUGHTER ] 18 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:50,477 HE WAS WEARING A MASK. TECHNICALLY. DROPPING THE AGE REQUIREMENT TO 19 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:54,547 50 IS SUPER EXCITING UNTIL YOU GO FOR YOUR SHOT AND NO ONE CHECKS YOUR ID 20 00:01:54,547 --> 00:02:00,053 IT'S LIKE, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE PROOF? IT'S LIKE, NO, YOU'RE FINE 21 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,088 MY MOM WOULD DO THAT ALL THE TIME "I GOT MY ID CHECKED TODAY AT 22 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:08,428 THE STORE. I GO -- "THEY DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE 21 YEARS OLD? 23 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:13,700 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SHE REALLY DID DO THAT HONESTLY, THIS REALLY MEANS 24 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:18,505 THAT EVERYONE'S ELIGIBLE BECAUSE AFTER THE LAST YEAR EVEN KIDS LOOK 50. 25 00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:24,644 "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A A GOGURT AROUND HERE?" MEANWHILE, TODAY IN RUSSIA, 26 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,813 VLADIMIR PUTIN GOT HIS COVID VACCINE BUT THE KREMLIN WOULDN'T SAY WHICH VACCINE 27 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:35,088 PUTIN GOT. YUP, IT WILL EITHER BE SPUTNIK V., COVID-VAC OR 28 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:39,426 SMIRNOFF AND SMIRNOFF. [ LAUGHTER ] THE NURSE ASKED WHICH ARM AND 29 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:45,965 PUTIN SAID, "LET'S PICK" AND THEN GALLOPED AWAY SHIRTLESS ON A HORSE. 30 00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:49,769 YUP, BY GETTING THE VACCINE, PUTIN MADE HISTORY AS THE FIRST RUSSIAN TO GET INJECTED WITH 31 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:56,443 SOMETHING AND LIVED TO TALK ABOUT IT [ AUDIENCE OHS ] 32 00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:58,278 I MEAN, NORMALLY WHEN A RUSSIAN GETS INJECTED THEY'RE EITHER BEING POISONED OR PREPARING FOR 33 00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:06,720 THE OLYMPICS LET'S BE HONEST. I GOT A "NICE" ON THAT 34 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,255 >> Steve: WOW, NICE. >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE THING ABOUT THESE TINIER, SMALLER 35 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:12,726 CROWDS >> Steve: INTIMATE >> Jimmy: VERBAL FEEDBACK. 36 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:16,563 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: NICE 37 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,432 I'LL TAKE "NICE. SPEAKING OF THE PANDEMIC, I SAW THAT DOORDASH WILL NOW DELIVER 38 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:26,506 COVID TEST KITS TO YOUR HOUSE. YEAH, THE DOORDASH GUY WILL HOOK YOU UP WITH FAST FOOD, 39 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:36,216 COVID TESTS AND AFTER A LONG ENOUGH PAUSE, WEED "HERE IS YOUR DELIVERY 40 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:42,689 HERE IS YOUR TEST. LET ME SEE WHAT I GOT. >> Jimmy: I GOT TO BE HONEST, 41 00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,491 IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE GETTING MEDICAL SUPPLIES FROM THE SAME GUY WHO BOUGHT YOU LUNCH FROM 42 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:50,864 FUDDRUCKERS. GET THIS, I SAW THAT THE THEME PARK, DISNEY CALIFORNIA 43 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:57,537 ADVENTURE JUST REOPENED. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN PAY $75 TO WALK AROUND THE PARK AND 44 00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:02,242 BUY STUFF BUT NONE OF THE RIDES ARE RUNNING. THE CEO OF DISNEYLAND WAS ON 45 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,511 THE CEO OF DISNEYLAND WAS ON THE NEWS TO TALK ABOUT IT. CHECK IT OUT 46 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:06,413 OPERATING UNDER SOME 47 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,048 SIGNIFICANT CAPACITY CONSTRAINTS BUT THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF THINGS YOU CAN DO AT 48 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:14,921 THE PARK, LIKE ATTEND THE URINAL AT SPLASH MOUNTAIN. PRACTICE WAITING IN LINE 49 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:20,160 INVENT YOUR OWN RIDE BY GETTING STRANGERS TO SPIN AROUND IN CIRCLES WITH YOU 50 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:24,664 STAND IN THE HOT SUN FOR SIX HOURS LOOKING FOR SHADE. AND HAVE THE KIDS POSE WITH 51 00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:29,903 MICKEY AND GOOFY ON THEIR SMOKE BREAKS >> Jimmy: THAT SOUNDS FUN. 52 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:33,506 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HEY, HEY, RUN THE TEA CUPS, RUN THE TEA CUPS 53 00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:37,777 SOME NEWS OUT OF WASHINGTON THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S TEAM IS WORKING ON A 54 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:42,349 A $3 TRILLION PROPOSAL FOR JOBS, EDUCATION, AND INFRASTRUCTURE 55 00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:46,252 YEAH $3 TRILLION. DOES JOE BIDEN HAVE A BUNCH OF 56 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:50,790 BITCOIN WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? YEP, THE PLAN WILL COST $3 TRILLION AND IT WILL BE PAID 57 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:56,129 FOR IN QUARTERS BIDEN FINDS BEHIND YOUR EAR. "HEY, WHIPPERSNAPPER." 58 00:04:56,129 --> 00:05:00,834 [ LAUGHTER ] ACTUALLY TO PAY FOR HIS PLAN, BIDEN MAY RAISE TAXES ON 59 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:06,072 CORPORATIONS YOU CAN TELL BIG CORPORATIONS AREN'T HAPPY 60 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,842 THIS MORNING, WHEN BIDEN ASKED HIS IPHONE FOR THE WEATHER, SIRI WAS LIKE "TRY OPENING A 61 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:16,916 A WINDOW, BITCH. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: INDEED 62 00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:20,453 THAT IS RUDE >> Jimmy: THIS WAS INTERESTING, ACCORDING TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 63 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:25,225 BIDEN AND FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA TALK ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME 64 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:28,161 YEAH, IT'S STRANGE WHEN THOSE GUYS TALK. HALF THE TIME THE OTHER IS 65 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:32,332 THINKING, "WILL THIS GUY WRAP IT UP ALREADY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 66 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,167 BIDEN AND OBAMA ACTUALLY HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP, I MEAN, COMPARED TO THE LAST PRESIDENT 67 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:43,376 WHO TRIED TO HAVE HIS VP MURDERED SOME BUSINESS NEWS, I SAW THAT 68 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:48,815 POPEYE'S JUST ANNOUNCED PLANS TO OPEN ITS FIRST RESTAURANT IN THE UK 69 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:51,685 OH, MAN, THE MONARCHY IS ALREADY ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE 70 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:56,489 I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HANDLE A CHICKEN SANDWICH WAR YEAH, AT LONG LAST PEOPLE OF 71 00:05:56,489 --> 00:06:03,263 THE UK WILL BE ABLE TO TASTE THAT EXOTIC DELICACY, CHICKEN ON BREAD 72 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:10,904 "MY WORD, WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS THIS ISN'T A SCONE AT ALL. 73 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:18,111 THIS IS A BUTTERMILK BISCUIT." >> Steve: "WAIT, THIS CHICKEN IS FRIED." 74 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:21,581 >> Jimmy: LISTEN TO THIS, THERE'S A NEW STUDY THAT FOUND THAT ON AVERAGE PEOPLE GAINED 75 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:26,052 TWO POUNDS PER MONTH DURING QUARANTINE KEEP IN MIND, SOME OF THAT 76 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,521 WEIGHT IS JUST LAYERS OF SWEATPANTS THAT ARE NOW MELDED TO YOUR BODY 77 00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:31,624 [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE WERE LIKE "WHOA, HANG ON, I GOT INJECTED WITH THE 78 00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:36,496 VACCINE. THAT'S GOT TO WEIGH SOMETHING. WE ALL KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP, 79 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:40,333 BECAUSE OVER THE LAST YEAR EITHER OUR MASKS GOT SMALLER OR OUR FACES GOT BIGGER 80 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:44,137 DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? AND FINALLY, THIS IS CRAZY 81 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:48,074 A UTAH MAN'S RING DOORBELL CAMERA CAPTURED FOUR COUGARS OUTSIDE HIS FRONT DOOR 82 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:57,984 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT WHEN HE LOOKED BACK LATER, HE 83 00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:01,521 SAW AN EMPTY PIZZA BOX AND A A TORN RED SHIRT THAT SAID "PAPA JOHN'S." 84 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:08,595 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW WHEN I HEARD ABOUT FOUR COUGARS ON A CAMERA, I 85 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:12,298 THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW "SEX & THE CITY. 86 00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:15,902 WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS 87 00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:16,436 EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS COME ON, NOW 88 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:29,449 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 89 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:34,054 >> Jimmy: WHOA, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT YOU CAN SEE HER STANDUP SPECIAL 90 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,524 "CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" ON HBO MAX. CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE. 91 00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:42,062 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE PLUS, HIS NEW AUDIBLE ORIGINAL IS AVAILABLE STARTING THURSDAY, 92 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:48,134 RUSSELL BRAND IS HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: LOVE THE MAN 93 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,636 >> Jimmy: AND JOINING US IN STUDIO, WE'VE GOT STANDUP FROM THE VERY FUNNY 94 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:57,110 MARY BETH BARONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MARY BETH! 95 00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,846 GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "TONIGHT SHOW POLLS. 96 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,448 INSTALLMENT OF "TONIGHT SHOW POLLS. HERE WE GO 97 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,389 >> Jimmy: NOW, THIS FIRST POLL ASKS "HOW MANY BOOKS HAVE YOU 98 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:15,195 READ IN QUARANTINE." 10% SAID TWO 20% SAID ONE 99 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:23,536 70% SAID I WATCH LUPIN WITH SUBTITLES, DOES THAT COUNT [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 100 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,338 LUPIN. THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "WHAT IS THE WORST TRIP YOU'VE EVER 101 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:33,913 TAKEN? 50% SAID A FAMILY TRIP 49% SAID A WORK RETREAT. 102 00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:36,850 AND PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID WALKING UP THE STAIRS OF AIR FORCE ONE. 103 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:49,329 WHOA >> Steve: HEY. >> Jimmy: I LOVE IT. 104 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,932 THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU GAINED THIS PAST YEAR? 105 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:58,872 45% SAID A LITTLE BIT. 35% SAID A LOT 20% SAID "HAVE YOU SEEN THE 106 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:02,876 ZACK SNYDER CUT OF "JUSTICE LEAGUE? NOW IMAGINE THAT IN FAT. 107 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:07,814 [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S A NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT 108 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:12,619 THIS NEXT ONE ASKS, "WHICH VACCINE ARE YOU HOPING TO GET? 34% SAID PFIZER. 109 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:18,425 36% SAID MODERNA 20% SAID MODFIZER. 10% SAID NOVAMOVATREXAMINE & 110 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:23,763 JOHNSON. >> Steve: OH, I DIDN'T GET OVER THAT ONE 111 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,765 [ APPLAUSE ] THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "DO YOU SHOWER IN THE MORNING OR AT 112 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:32,839 NIGHT? 80% SAID THE MORNING 18% AT NIGHT 113 00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:36,109 2% SAID THE TOP HALF IN THE MORNING AND THE BOTTOM HALF AT NIGHT. 114 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,713 >> Steve: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ] THAT'S - 115 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:43,650 >> Jimmy: WHO'S DOING THESE POLLS? THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "HOW ARE 116 00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:49,789 YOUR BOSS' ZOOM MEETINGS?" 40% SAID THEY COULD BE BETTER. 20% SAID THEY'RE AWFUL 117 00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:52,726 40% SAID HA, HA, WHAT? THEY'RE GREAT. OKAY, NOW I'M MUTED? 118 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:59,099 YES, THEY'RE TERRIBLE, PLEASE HELP [ APPLAUSE ] 119 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:04,971 THIS NEXT POLL ASKS, "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PUNCTUATION? 35% SAID EXCLAMATION POINTS. 120 00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:14,614 30% SAID QUESTION MARKS? 25% SAID ELLIPSES, MAYBE 10% SAID PERIODS, PERIOD 121 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:18,118 [ APPLAUSE ] INTERESTING POLL THIS LAST POLL ASKS, "WHERE DO 122 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:22,389 YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME ON THE INTERNET?" 2% SAID FACEBOOK 123 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:28,762 2% SAID TIKTOK 96% SAID VACCINEFIGHTER.ORG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 124 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,331 THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR "TONIGHT'S SHOW POLLS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 125 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:54,154 "TONIGHT SHOW. EVERYBODY, COME ON BACK! * 126 00:10:54,154 --> 00:11:00,260 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. NOW, WE ALL LOVE OUR PETS AND 127 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:03,129 EVERY PET OWNER THINKS THAT THEIR PET IS THE BEST. WELL, I WANTED TO SEE IF THAT 128 00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,298 WAS TRUE SO IT'S TIME FOR "WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME?" 129 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,466 SO IT'S TIME FOR "WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME?" HERE WE GO 130 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,702 * WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME 131 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:15,141 BETTER THAN ME * >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LET'S MEET OUR FIRST PET. 132 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:19,179 HELLO! HEY THERE, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM 133 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:23,116 >> HI, MY NAME'S BETH GALLAGHER AND I'M FROM MANCHESTER, ENGLAND. 134 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:27,087 >> Jimmy: BETH, WELCOME TO THE SHOW LOOK AT YOUR DOG 135 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:32,726 NOW TELL US ABOUT YOUR DOG THERE. >> WELL, THIS IS LOLA LOUISE, 136 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:37,997 SHE'S 3 YEARS OLD AND SHE'S A MINIATURE DACHSHUND. >> Jimmy: SHE'S GORGEOUS 137 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:44,671 NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME >> MY PET'S BETTER THAN YOU 138 00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:49,576 BECAUSE SHE'S A VERY PASSIONATE MUSICIAN >> Jimmy: I LIKE THIS. 139 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:54,180 LOLA, LET'S SEE WHAT LOLA CAN DO HERE WE GO 140 00:11:54,180 --> 00:12:02,255 OH, WOW. * [ BARKING 141 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,759 >> Jimmy: OH, GOD. OKAY * 142 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:11,231 [ BARKING >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT VERY GOOD. 143 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,100 ALL RIGHT, VERY NICE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LOLA, PLEASE, THANK YOU. 144 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:19,773 LOLA [ BARKING >> Jimmy: YEAH, I AGREE. 145 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,275 I AGREE. BETTER THAN ME I GOT YOU. 146 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:27,547 THANK YOU, BETH. LET'S MEET OUR NEXT PET. HELLO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND 147 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:32,786 WHERE ARE YOU FROM >> HI, I'M JULIE CARDOZA AND I'M FROM SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. 148 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:38,258 >> Jimmy: SAN JOSE [ APPLAUSE ] AND WHO DO YOU HAVE THERE WITH 149 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:44,431 YOU? >> THIS BIG, BEAUTIFUL GUY IS OUR 19-YEAR-OLD HYACINTH MACAW 150 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:50,537 HIS NAME IS GORDON AND HE'S PART OF OUR HAPPY BIRDS SHOW >> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH 151 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:54,574 BEAUTIFUL, 19 YEARS OLD, HUH WOW. >> SUPER PLAYFUL 152 00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:59,946 >> Jimmy: JULIA, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME >> OH, WELL, NOT ONLY IS HE 153 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:07,921 A GOOD-LOOKING PARROT, HE ACTUALLY CAN OPEN UP CANS OF SODA WITH HIS BEAK 154 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:11,091 >> Jimmy: THIS IS INTERESTING. I CAN'T DO THAT. LET'S SEE THIS 155 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:17,897 >> COME ON, GORDON >> Jimmy: COME ON, GORDON. WHOA, HEY LOOK AT THAT 156 00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:21,701 THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 157 00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:25,638 I'D TRAVEL WITH GORDON, I'D BE THE HIT OF THE PARTY WAIT, I HAVE A CATCH THOUGH FOR 158 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,808 YOU. WHAT IF I'M A CLASSIER INDIVIDUAL AND I ONLY DRINK 159 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:34,581 BOTTLES OF SODA? >> WELL WE HAVE A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR THAT. 160 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:39,519 BECAUSE THIS GUY HAS ONE OF THE STRONGEST BEAKS OF ALL THE BIRDS IN THE WORLD 161 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:43,123 HE CAN ACTUALLY REMOVE BOTTLE CAPS >> Jimmy: WE'VE GOT TO SEE 162 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:46,559 THIS DRUM ROLL. >> I SHOULD MENTION THAT 163 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:52,532 PARROTS CAN CRACK VERY HARD NUTS SO REMOVING A BOTTLE CAP WILL NOT HURT HIM ONE BIT. 164 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,602 GORDON, ARE YOU READY? >> Jimmy: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A A DIFFERENT TALENT HAPPENING 165 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,104 >> COME ON, GORDON YOU CAN DO IT, GORDON. >> LOOK AT THE FORCE 166 00:13:58,104 --> 00:14:00,640 >> Jimmy: COME ON, GORDON. >> OH MY GOD >> Jimmy: FOCUS, GORDON, FOCUS 167 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,941 YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 168 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:04,344 >> Jimmy: THAT'S MY MAN, GORDON, RIGHT THERE. THAT IS THE WAY TO DO IT 169 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:08,515 THAT IS IMPRESSIVE THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELL, WELL DONE. 170 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,151 >> LOOK AT THAT. HE'S GOT IT HARD ENOUGH IN HIS BEAK RIGHT THERE 171 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:18,058 >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO, ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET OUR LAST PET HERE 172 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:24,264 WELCOME -- [ LAUGHTER ] WELCOME, WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND 173 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:30,270 WHERE ARE YOU FROM >> HELLO, MY NAME IS CHRISTIE AND I'M FROM CALGARY, CANADA 174 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:40,780 [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: COME ON -- JAMAL IS BROKEN. 175 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:45,785 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR 176 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:50,156 PET. I DON'T SEE YOUR PET, DO I >> YEAH, SHE'S OUT OF THE ROOM 177 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:58,131 RIGHT NOW. SHE IS A 2-YEAR-OLD WHIPPET AND SHE IS PART OF A PERFORMANCE 178 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:07,440 TEAM HERE AT FRESCO DOG SHOWS. >> Jimmy: OKAY SORRY, THE SCREEN JUST WENT 179 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,943 OUT. WE ARE SPONSORED BY HTM1, THAT'S WHERE WE AIR IN CANADA. 180 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,245 CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME, SO CAN YOU TELL ME, WHY IS YOUR PET BETTER THAN ME 181 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,848 >> MY PET IS BETTER THAN YOU JIMMY BECAUSE SHE CAN POP 60 BALLOONS FASTER THAN YOU 182 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:17,050 CAN. >> Jimmy: OKAY COULD WE PUT A TIMER UP AND SEE 183 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,119 HOW LONG -- WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE DOG AGAIN? >> PIXEL 184 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,654 >> Jimmy: PIXEL, I LOVE THAT NAME ALL RIGHT. 185 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:30,830 >> OKAY, LET'S GET HER IN HERE POP, POP, POP! >> Jimmy: OH, MY 186 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:36,736 ALL RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OH, MY GOODNESS. 187 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:43,943 OH, MY -- WOW! OH, MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOSH. 188 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:56,389 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE PIXEL -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 189 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,591 * >> Jimmy: HEY, NOT BAD THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, 190 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:03,063 PIXEL, DID IT IN 28, 29 SECONDS UNBELIEVABLE 191 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,598 PIXEL ALSO DOES KIDS' BIRTHDAY PARTIES AS WELL, EVERYONE. THANK YOU. 192 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,101 THAT WAS A GREAT JOB THANK YOU TO ALL OF OUR TALENTED PETS, LOLA, GORDON, 193 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:12,572 AND PIXEL. I LOVE YOU GUYS. LOOK, HE'S DUNKING A 194 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:16,076 A BASKETBALL IF YOU HAVE A PET THAT YOU THINK IS BETTER THAN ME, I WANT 195 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:21,881 TO SEE IT, GO TO TONIGHTSHOW.COM/WHYISYOURPETBETT TO SUBMIT A VIDEO OF YOUR PET. 196 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,651 STICK AROUND WE'LL BE BACK WITH CHELSEA HANDLER. 197 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:44,704 COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY. * >> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS 198 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:49,275 A FIVE-TIME NUMBER ONE "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING AUTHOR AND A VERY FUNNY 199 00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:54,881 COMEDIAN HER ACCLAIMED STANDUP SPECIAL "CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" IS 200 00:16:54,881 --> 00:17:00,854 STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX HERE IS THE ALWAYS ENTERTAINING, CHELSEA HANDLER. 201 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:08,028 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HEY! >> OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUCH A 202 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:12,565 A GREAT SETUP FOR US, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: IT IS GREAT, RIGHT CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS 203 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:16,169 HAPPENING? THIS IS LIKE BIG FOR US. WE HAVE ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR YOU 204 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:19,873 AND EVERYTHING >> I KNOW THAT YOU NEEDED TO GET BACK IN THE STUDIO THAT 205 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:23,910 THAT WAS YOUR THING, SO YOU'RE IN THE STUDIO AND I LIKE JUST BEING AT MY HOUSE, SO THIS IS 206 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:27,747 PERFECT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHERE ACTUALLY ARE 207 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:32,118 YOU TALKING TO ME FROM >> I'M IN WHISTLER, CANADA, I'VE BEEN SKIING A LOT THIS 208 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,422 WINTER >> Jimmy: YEAH >> I'VE TURNED INTO A MOUNTAIN 209 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:38,358 WOMAN, JIMMY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RECOGNIZE ME WHEN I GET BACK 210 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:41,061 >> Jimmy: BUT DO YOU EVER GET INJURED SKIING DO YOU EVER FALL DOWN? 211 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,164 >> OH, YEAH, I WIPE OUT ALL THE TIME I SKI INTO TREE -- I'M A MESS. 212 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:50,704 I MEAN, HELLO. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO -- BUT IT'S JUST SO GOOD 213 00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:54,974 TO GET SO GOOD AT SOMETHING AT THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE. LIKE, I JUST TURNED 46 214 00:17:54,974 --> 00:18:00,447 SO TO GET SO GOOD AT SKIING IN MY 40s SHOULD BE INSPIRING TO ANYBODY WHO EVER HAS A DREAM OF 215 00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:05,685 DOING SOMETHING LIKE SPORTY THAT THEY WANT TO GO FOR, YOU CAN DO IT. 216 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,755 >> Jimmy: YEAH, I SAW ON INSTAGRAM THAT YOU POSTED CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOUR 217 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:18,365 RECENT BIRTHDAY, AND IT WAS ENTERTAINING TO SAY -- IT'S VERY, I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN 218 00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:23,069 EVEN AIR IT BUT WE MIGHT HAVE WORKED ON SOMETHING. >> I THINK YOU CAN AIR IT. 219 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,572 I MEAN, EVERYTHING'S COVERED THAT NEEDS TO BE COVERED I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM 220 00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,842 WOULD BE >> Jimmy: THIS IS -- CAN WE TAKE A LOOK? 221 00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:32,879 TAKE A LOOK? THIS IS CHELSEA CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY SKIING IN CANADA. 222 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,081 * 223 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:43,823 THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO DO HERE [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 224 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:51,598 HOW DID YOU GET THOSE FLAGS TO STICK? [ LAUGHTER ] 225 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:53,333 >> I HAD -- LISTEN, I HAD A MARGARITA IN ONE HAND AND A JOINT IN THE OTHER AND I 226 00:18:53,333 --> 00:19:02,409 WANTED TO PROMOTE HEALTHY, HAPPY, FUN LIVING. [ LAUGHTER ] 227 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:05,712 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU ALWAYS DO -- COME ON 228 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:11,017 I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR STANDUP SPECIAL, "CHELSEA EVOLUTION." 229 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:15,021 WE TALKED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT LAST TIME. IT'S ON HBO MAX. 230 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:19,025 YOU KNOW I'M A FAN OF STANDUP. IN FACT, THE WHOLE SHOW TONIGHT THERE'S THREE STANDUPS THAT ARE 231 00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,896 ON OUR SHOW TONIGHT. >> THAT'S COOL >> Jimmy: BUT I LOVE THIS FOR 232 00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:29,402 MANY REASONS YOU KNOW I'M A FAN BUT THE ONE THING -- WHEN YOU SEE A GREAT 233 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:34,374 STANDUP, YOU CAN TELL A JOKE JUST BY MOVING YOUR EYES EVEN AND YOU CAN TELL THE JOKE. 234 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:38,178 YOU LOOK RIGHT DOWN THE BARREL AND YOU JUST GO LIKE, AND IT'S FUNNY. 235 00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:41,514 AND DO YOU THAT, AND YOU WATCH THE SPECIAL TO SEE HOW BRILLIANT YOU ARE DOING THAT, 236 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:45,952 BUT I LOVE THE SPECIAL I LOVE THAT YOU DO THAT BECAUSE IT ALMOST REMINDS ME OF LIKE, 237 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:51,091 SORT OF LIKE A TURN THAT YOU DO, BUT YOU CAN JUST DO IT AND GET A LAUGH. 238 00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:54,794 MY FAVORITE BIT IS ABOUT THE RETREAT, BY THE WAY. I WOULD SAY THAT WAS MY 239 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,430 FAVORITE ONE BUT THERE'S -- >> I WENT TO A SILENT RETREAT. 240 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,766 BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T -- YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO GET -- I DON'T WANT 241 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:06,306 THEM TO MISUNDERSTAND ME I DID NOT GO TO A SILENT RETREAT ON PURPOSE 242 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,576 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, AND I WON'T GO AGAIN LIKE, I'M INTO THERAPY AND 243 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:16,016 HEALING BUT I'M NOT GOING -- I'M NOT THAT FAR GONE. >> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH. 244 00:20:16,016 --> 00:20:17,717 BUT WASN'T IT A FRIEND THAT VISITED YOU FROM HIGH SCHOOL THAT KEPT TALKING TO YOU AND 245 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:22,689 YOU GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK I'M READY FOR A SILENT RETREAT AFTER AN HOUR OF 246 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:27,193 TALKING TO YOU." [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT 247 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:30,797 IT WAS GOING TO BE >> YEAH, WELL, JERSEY ACCENTS CAN BE TRICKY AND SHE HAS 248 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:34,734 A STRONG ONE, SO AFTER 48 HOURS OF HER IN MY HOUSE, I WAS OPEN TO A LOT OF THINGS 249 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:40,173 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: NOT ONLY IS THE SPECIAL FUNNY, AND I DON'T EVEN 250 00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:44,444 KNOW HOW YOU PULLED IT OFF, TO BE HONEST, AND HOW YOU SHOT IT DURING COVID SAFELY. 251 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:52,318 IT LOOKED BEAUTIFUL. BUT ALSO, IT'S VERY MOVING IT'S VERY EMOTIONAL. 252 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:57,557 YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, WHO PASSED AWAY AND HOW THAT AFFECTED YOUR FAMILY 253 00:20:57,557 --> 00:21:03,697 BUT DO YOU IT IN A VERY OPEN WAY AND THEN BRING IT BACK AROUND AND MAKE ME LAUGH AGAIN 254 00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:08,501 I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST SO BRAVE AND JUST IT WAS A WELL-DONE SPECIAL. 255 00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:13,973 CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, JIMMY. THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME 256 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:17,344 BECAUSE I WANTED SO BADLY TO CONTRIBUTE DURING THIS TIME. WE'RE GOING THROUGH LIKE THE 257 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:21,281 WORST THING ANY OF US HAVE EVER COLLECTIVELY EXPERIENCED TOGETHER AS AN ENTIRE GLOBAL 258 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:27,087 COMMUNITY. AND TO BE ABLE TO PUT, I WAS LIKE, I JUST WANT TO MAKE 259 00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:29,389 PEOPLE FEEL NOT ONLY JUST LAUGH. BUT I WANT THEM TO MAKE -- I 260 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,791 WANT THEM TO BE SEEN I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SEEN I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT 261 00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:36,363 THEY'RE NOT ALONE AND NONE OF US IS ALONE. WE ALL ARE EXPERIENCING THINGS 262 00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:39,933 AND IT'S JUST, IT'S GOOD TO REMIND PEOPLE THAT EVERYONE HAS PAIN, HAS TRAUMA, HAS ALL THAT, 263 00:21:39,933 --> 00:21:50,810 AND YOU CAN STILL GET THROUGH IT, AND BE HAPPY AGAIN >> Jimmy: WHAT KIND OF FEEDBACK 264 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,646 HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING FROM THE SPECIAL? >> I MEAN, I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF 265 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:59,452 FEEDBACK OF PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO THEIR SIBLINGS IN A LONG TIME AND HAVE REUNITED. 266 00:21:59,452 --> 00:22:01,955 WHICH, YOU KNOW, ALL I NEED IS ONE PERSON TO TELL ME THAT STORY AND I FEEL LIKE I DID 267 00:22:01,955 --> 00:22:05,792 SOMETHING. BUT THAT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO REUNITE WITH 268 00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:10,163 THEIR FAMILIES BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SPEAK TO THEIR BROTHERS OR THEIR SISTERS OR 269 00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:13,433 THEIR PARENTS. AND, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE VERY GOOD REASONS, BUT 270 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:17,904 A LOT OF US DON'T. A LOT OF US ARE JUST HOLDING ON TO SMALL STUFF 271 00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:21,241 SO IF THAT OPENS THE DOOR FOR PEOPLE, I STILL TALK TO MY FAMILY AND I SHOULD HAVE SHUT 272 00:22:21,241 --> 00:22:25,578 THEM, YOU KNOW, CUT THEM OFF YEARS AGO. [ LAUGHTER ] 273 00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:30,083 I CAME TO CANADA, BUT MY FAMILY COULDN'T COME. SO I WAS LIKE, HEY 274 00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:33,086 I GO, "YOU GUYS, HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS. I'M GOING TO CANADA AND NO ONE 275 00:22:33,086 --> 00:22:37,924 ELSE IS ALLOWED IN." SO IT'S LIKE MY YEAR OF FREEDOM FROM MY FAMILY, AND NOW NEXT 276 00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:41,428 YEAR, YOU KNOW, I'LL HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE FOR THIS >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS, OF 277 00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:45,131 COURSE YOU WILL. I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE IS CHELSEA HANDLER IN 278 00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:46,299 HERE IS CHELSEA HANDLER IN "EVOLUTION." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. 279 00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:48,201 >> I DON'T LIKE TO SEE VETS OUT 280 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:53,006 OF OFFICE, OKAY? AND NOT RUNNING IN PACKS, EITHER 281 00:22:53,006 --> 00:22:57,010 I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VETS I RESPECT, LIKE, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO 282 00:22:57,010 --> 00:22:59,446 LIKE, THE INTENTION IS NICE. "OH, YOU WANT TO WORK WITH ANIMALS, GREAT." 283 00:22:59,446 --> 00:23:03,383 THEY'RE JUST TOO VAGUE ALL OF THEIR ANSWERS ARE TOO VAGUE. 284 00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:06,786 I'VE HAD TOO MANY RESCUE DOGS. I'VE HAD SEVEN OR EIGHT AND I'VE BROUGHT THEM IN EVERY 285 00:23:06,786 --> 00:23:08,788 SINGLE TIME TO FIND OUT HOW OLD THEY ARE AND NO MATTER WHAT VET I'M SEEING, THE ANSWER IS THE 286 00:23:08,788 --> 00:23:20,100 SAME "THEY'RE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 12." 287 00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:27,640 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT? WHAT KIND OF MARGIN OF ERROR -- 288 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:31,077 ARE YOU A DOCTOR OR NOT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: CHELSEA HANDLER, 289 00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:33,980 EVERYBODY. CHECK OUT "EVOLUTION," STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX 290 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:37,617 WE GOT SOME GOOD LAUGHS IN CHELSEA AND I ARE PLAYING "WHEEL OF OPINIONS" WHEN WE 291 00:23:37,617 --> 00:23:56,202 COME BACK. STICK AROUND * 292 00:23:56,202 --> 00:23:58,271 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WE'RE HERE WITH CHELSEA HANDLER, LADIES AND 293 00:23:58,271 --> 00:24:04,310 GENTLEMEN, NOW >> IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BED HEAD 294 00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:08,314 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN BETWEEN THE BREAK. >> Jimmy: MY GOODNESS. 295 00:24:08,314 --> 00:24:12,485 DOESN'T IT FEEL GOOD TO HEAR APPLAUSE AND JUST EVEN THOUGH - 296 00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:16,322 >> I'M HAPPIER FOR YOU TO HEAR THE APPLAUSE BUT YES, IT FEELS GREAT. 297 00:24:16,322 --> 00:24:20,894 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, BUD CHELSEA, YOU'RE KNOWN FOR HAVING STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT 298 00:24:20,894 --> 00:24:23,863 ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF THINGS. SO WITH THAT IN MIND, I'D LIKE TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU CALLED 299 00:24:23,863 --> 00:24:25,365 TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU CALLED "WHEEL OF OPINIONS." HERE WE GO 300 00:24:26,332 --> 00:24:31,604 * WHEELS OF OPINIONS * 301 00:24:31,604 --> 00:24:33,973 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS PLAYING SOMETHING WITH US. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS, I'M GOING 302 00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:38,078 TO HIT THIS BUTTON WHICH WILL ACTIVATE THE OPINION TOPIC GENERATOR AND IT'LL LAND ON 303 00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:41,548 A RANDOM TOPIC AND WHATEVER IT IS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOUR OPINION ON IT. 304 00:24:41,548 --> 00:24:44,651 OKAY COULD BE RIGHT OR WRONG, COULD BE SHORT, LONG, HERE WE GO 305 00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:52,625 READY? NOW WE GO. [ BEEPING 306 00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:58,832 ALL RIGHT, GOATEES >> GOATEES CAN GO "F" THEMSELVES 307 00:24:58,832 --> 00:25:03,036 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, NOW COME ON -- MY GOODNESS >> IT'S OUT OF STYLE AND 308 00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:08,141 THEY'RE GROSS, SO JUST STOP IT [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: REALLY 309 00:25:08,141 --> 00:25:11,444 YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT'S EVER -- NO >> IT'S NOT -- NO, JUST STOP 310 00:25:11,444 --> 00:25:15,248 IT EITHER GROW A BEARD, EVEN A MUSTACHE IS COOLER THAN 311 00:25:15,248 --> 00:25:18,852 A GOATEE A GOATEE IS SO UNCOOL. ALL IT SAYS TO ME IS THAT 312 00:25:18,852 --> 00:25:24,891 YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN. [ AUDIENCE OHS ] >> Jimmy: LET'S GET ANOTHER 313 00:25:24,891 --> 00:25:33,633 TOPIC, HERE WE GO. [ BEEPING I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE AN 314 00:25:33,633 --> 00:25:39,839 OPINION ON THIS. LEGALIZING MUSHROOMS >> MY MUSHROOMS ARE JUST ABOUT 315 00:25:39,839 --> 00:25:43,610 TO KICK IN I TAKE MUSHROOMS ALMOST EVERY DAY. 316 00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:49,082 I MEAN, MICRODOSING MUSHROOMS IS A GAME CHANGER, AND PSILOCYBIN IS GOOD FOR 317 00:25:49,082 --> 00:25:51,351 EVERYBODY. IT GIVES YOU -- IT PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD, IT KEEPS YOU 318 00:25:51,351 --> 00:25:54,754 UPBEAT, AND MAKES YOU APPRECIATE NATURE. SO YEAH, LEGALIZING MUSHROOMS 319 00:25:54,754 --> 00:26:00,560 FOR SURE >> Jimmy: WOW. [ APPLAUSE ] 320 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:06,766 I KNOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF BECAUSE I'VE SEEN THE -- WHAT WAS THE AYAHUASCA ONE 321 00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:10,103 IS THAT MUSHROOMS? >> OH, YEAH, AYAHUASCA I'LL DO ANY DRUG 322 00:26:10,103 --> 00:26:14,674 I'LL TRY ANYTHING FOR ALL OF HUMANITY, GIVE IT TO ME FIRST. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE 323 00:26:14,674 --> 00:26:17,711 GO CHELSEA, ARE YOU RUBBING YOUR HANDS? 324 00:26:17,711 --> 00:26:21,848 OR IS THERE A DOG? >> OH, THERE IS A DOG. [ LAUGHTER ] 325 00:26:21,848 --> 00:26:28,321 DID YOU THINK I -- >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT AS HAPPENING. 326 00:26:28,321 --> 00:26:32,125 YOU WERE LIKE -- YOU WERE GETTING INTO LIKE A DANCE ROUTINE FOR A SECOND 327 00:26:32,125 --> 00:26:36,062 >> HOLD ON LET ME TRY AND GET HIM UP HERE HE'S PRETTY BIG. 328 00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:38,465 OH >> Jimmy: OH PRETTY BIG, OH MY, CHELSEA, BE 329 00:26:38,465 --> 00:26:43,636 CAREFUL! >> SAY HI, BUDDY SAY HI 330 00:26:43,636 --> 00:26:46,806 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME LOOK AT THAT CUTE DOG. 331 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:50,844 HI, BUDDY. >> OH, HE'S FALLING OFF NOW. [ LAUGHTER ] 332 00:26:50,844 --> 00:26:56,416 THAT'S MY PROOF, YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY PROOF! >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO 333 00:26:56,416 --> 00:26:59,119 LET'S GET ANOTHER TOPIC. THAT WAS A GREAT EXIT. HERE WE GO 334 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:07,160 [ BEEPING OH, OKAY >> FROZEN -- 335 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,662 >> Jimmy: VERSUS ON THE ROCKS MARGARITAS >> YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST WANT TO 336 00:27:09,662 --> 00:27:12,265 SAY IS, YOU BROUGHT UP MUSHROOMS WHICH I DID JUST TAKE SOME RIGHT BEFORE OUR 337 00:27:12,265 --> 00:27:16,536 INTERVIEW, SOME CHOCOLATE MUSHROOMS. AND I MADE MYSELF A FROZEN -- 338 00:27:16,536 --> 00:27:21,241 WELL, NO, A MARGARITA ON THE ROCKS FOR OUR SPECIAL INTERVIEW, SO THIS IS ALL 339 00:27:21,241 --> 00:27:24,744 COMING TOGETHER VERY NICELY. >> Jimmy: OH MY GOSH [ APPLAUSE ] 340 00:27:24,744 --> 00:27:28,348 IT'S ALMOST -- LOOK, THE DOG IS LEAVING. CHELSEA, I LOVE YOU. 341 00:27:28,348 --> 00:27:30,550 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE 342 00:27:30,550 --> 00:27:34,354 FOR "WHEEL OF OPINIONS." MY BEST TO CHELSEA HANDLER HER STAND-UP SPECIAL, "CHELSEA 343 00:27:34,354 --> 00:27:38,091 HANDLER EVOLUTION," IS STREAMING ON HBO MAX CHECK IT OUT 344 00:27:38,091 --> 00:27:41,361 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. COME ON BACK 345 00:27:41,361 --> 00:28:01,848 * >> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A A TALENTED PERFORMER AND "NEW 346 00:28:01,848 --> 00:28:06,419 YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING AUTHOR HE HAS A NEW AUDIBLE ORIGINAL 347 00:28:06,419 --> 00:28:09,723 CALLED "REVELATION: CONNECTING WITH THE SACRED IN EVERYDAY LIFE." 348 00:28:09,723 --> 00:28:12,892 WHICH IS AVAILABLE STARTING THURSDAY, EXCLUSIVELY ON AUDIBLE. 349 00:28:12,892 --> 00:28:17,030 THURSDAY, EXCLUSIVELY ON AUDIBLE. HERE IS RUSSELL BRAND! 350 00:28:18,031 --> 00:28:19,666 * >> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS, 351 00:28:19,666 --> 00:28:23,136 THAT'S THE REAL DEAL LOOK AT THAT THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 352 00:28:23,136 --> 00:28:26,773 THAT IS A STUD RIGHT THERE RUSSELL BRAND, IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU. 353 00:28:26,773 --> 00:28:32,345 THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS >> IT'S AN HONOR TO COME ON YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAM WITH 354 00:28:32,345 --> 00:28:37,684 YOU TO DISCUSS THIS REVELATION BOOK THAT I'VE WRITTEN, AUDIBLE ORIGINAL 355 00:28:37,684 --> 00:28:41,721 >> Jimmy: YES. [ LAUGHTER ] IT FEELS LIKE YOU HAVE TO 356 00:28:41,721 --> 00:28:46,359 LEGALLY SAY "AUDIBLE ORIGINAL. >> NO, THAT'S JUST NATURALLY HOW I SPEAK. 357 00:28:46,359 --> 00:28:49,062 THESE ARE JUST MY NATURAL SPEECH RHYTHMS I SAY, "AUDIBLE ORIGINAL." 358 00:28:49,062 --> 00:28:51,798 FOR ME, IT'S A NATURAL THING TO SAY. WHAT IS A BOOK 359 00:28:51,798 --> 00:28:54,200 WHAT IS THE POINT IN A BOOK? WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR US 360 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:58,071 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT IS GOING ON >> SEE THAT IN THE BACKGROUND, 361 00:28:58,071 --> 00:29:04,711 THAT'S SATIRE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I MISS YOU, BUDDY. 362 00:29:04,711 --> 00:29:07,213 I WANT TO TALK - >> THEY'RE ALL AUDIBLE ORIGINALS. 363 00:29:07,213 --> 00:29:12,552 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT TRUE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS. 364 00:29:12,552 --> 00:29:17,824 THIS IS A BIG DEAL "REVELATION" AUDIBLE ORIGINAL. THE ORIGINAL VISION YOU HAD FOR 365 00:29:17,824 --> 00:29:21,327 THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU ENDED UP WITH CAN YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT THE 366 00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:26,800 ORIGINAL PLAN FOR "REVELATION" WAS? >> YEAH, MY PLAN WAS TO TRAVEL 367 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:32,472 AROUND THE WORLD, AND WHILE DOING THAT, I WAS GOING TO MEET PEOPLE 368 00:29:32,472 --> 00:29:37,277 LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE SACRED, SO THAT I COULD REALIZE AND ACTUALIZE MYSELF 369 00:29:37,277 --> 00:29:42,749 ALONG THE WAY I WAS PLANNING TO DO A LOT OF HANDSHAKING AND EXCHANGE SPORES ORALLY WITH 370 00:29:42,749 --> 00:29:46,853 WISE PEOPLE. THEN THERE WAS A LITTLE OLD EVENT CALLED 371 00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:54,327 CORONAVIRUS 19 THAT REALLY PUT A SPANNER IN THE WORKS, JIMMY. SO I WAS REDUCED TO SORT OF 372 00:29:54,327 --> 00:29:57,297 SITTING ON MY OWN MEDITATING AND TRYING TO CONTACT THE DIVINE THAT WAY. 373 00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,566 >> Jimmy: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THIS? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE 374 00:29:59,566 --> 00:30:04,270 "REVELATION? >> "REVELATION" IS, AND THIS IS A TOUGH ONE REALLY, BECAUSE 375 00:30:04,270 --> 00:30:08,541 LET'S FACE IT, I'M ON YOUR TV SHOW TO PROMOTE AN AUDIBLE ORIGINAL 376 00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:14,347 THERE IS NO SANCTUARY, NO PEACE, NO GLORY, NO CONNECTION UNLESS WE JOURNEY WITHIN 377 00:30:14,347 --> 00:30:18,051 BUT THE REASON THE WORLD IS FRAGMENTING, FRACTURING, FALLING APART IS BECAUSE WE'VE 378 00:30:18,051 --> 00:30:22,222 BECOME LOST IN AN ILLUSION THAT'S WHY I'VE COME ON YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAM TO PROMOTE 379 00:30:22,222 --> 00:30:27,027 IT TO YOU. >> Jimmy: THROUGHOUT "REVELATION" YOU TALK A LOT 380 00:30:27,027 --> 00:30:33,700 ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, AND LIKE ME, YOU HAVE TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS AT HOME. 381 00:30:33,700 --> 00:30:42,108 WHAT WAS LOCKDOWN LIKE WITH TWO KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF FIVE >> OH, JIMMY, THAT WAS A 382 00:30:42,108 --> 00:30:50,316 A REVELATION IN ITSELF IT'S BECAUSE -- WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS IS 383 00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:59,192 LIKE EXPERIENCING EXTREMELY POWERFUL LOVE, LACED WITH DEVASTATING RUDENESS 384 00:30:59,192 --> 00:31:03,363 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BY YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTERS? 385 00:31:03,363 --> 00:31:08,935 I'M SORRY, JUST TO CLARIFY >> WELL, I REALLY, REALLY TRY MY BEST TO REMAIN LEVEL-HEADED 386 00:31:08,935 --> 00:31:12,072 YOU KNOW, LIKE, SAY IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE PLACE AND THEY SAY, "I'M NOT LEAVING THIS 387 00:31:12,072 --> 00:31:14,741 PLACE. I'M NOT LEAVING. AND YOU GO, "IT'S OKAY FOR YOU 388 00:31:14,741 --> 00:31:16,476 TO WANT TO STAY AT THE PARTY AND I HEAR THAT YOU WANT TO STAY AT THE PARTY, BUT WE DO 389 00:31:16,476 --> 00:31:27,721 HAVE TO LEAVE. WHAT MY DAUGHTER SAID IS "YOU'RE A [ BLEEP ]. 390 00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:34,828 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT IN THE WORLD? >> MY DOG IS TRYING TO GET IN. 391 00:31:34,828 --> 00:31:39,766 LET HIM IN >> Jimmy: CAN YOUR DOG DO ANY TRICKS, RUSSELL? 392 00:31:39,766 --> 00:31:42,168 >> YEAH, KIND OF COME IN HERE [ WHISTLING 393 00:31:42,168 --> 00:31:45,438 NOT NEW ONES BEAR, COME ON IN >> Jimmy: OH, SORRY. 394 00:31:45,438 --> 00:31:53,413 BEAR IS THE NAME OF YOUR DOG >> YEAH, THERE HE IS, LOOK >> Jimmy: BEAR 395 00:31:53,413 --> 00:31:57,017 BEAR >> HE'S MAGNIFICENT. >> Jimmy: BEAR, SIT. 396 00:31:57,017 --> 00:32:02,655 OH, LOOK AT THAT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE RUSSELL, IF YOUR PARENTING IS 397 00:32:02,655 --> 00:32:08,161 ANYTHING LIKE YOUR DOG TRAINING, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, MY FRIEND 398 00:32:08,161 --> 00:32:12,565 UM, RUSS, I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUICK THING, IF YOU DON'T MIND 399 00:32:12,565 --> 00:32:16,269 I'D LIKE TO, IF YOU DON'T MIND, TEACH ME A BREATHING EXERCISE. IS THAT OKAY 400 00:32:16,269 --> 00:32:19,205 SO ANYONE AT HOME WOULD LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX >> OKAY, THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE 401 00:32:19,205 --> 00:32:22,609 BREATHING EXERCISE IT WAS TAUGHT TO ME BY A GREAT TEACHER, HER NAME IS 402 00:32:22,609 --> 00:32:29,382 BIET SIMKIN. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN ON YOUR HEELS. 403 00:32:29,382 --> 00:32:36,489 IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND. THIS BREATHING EXERCISE, YOU COULD EXPERIENCE A GLIMPSE OF 404 00:32:36,489 --> 00:32:38,992 THE DIVINE I THINK YOU COULD EXPERIENCE A A TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF YOUR 405 00:32:38,992 --> 00:32:44,564 EGO. >> Jimmy: ARE YOU JUST MAKING ME SIT LIKE BEAR, I FEEL LIKE 406 00:32:44,564 --> 00:32:49,936 BEAR >> WHEN YOU INHALE, JIM, YOU GOT TO INHALE VERY, VERY DEEPLY 407 00:32:49,936 --> 00:32:53,006 INTO YOUR BELLY. AS IF YOU'RE PREGNANT WITH OXYGEN ITSELF. 408 00:32:53,006 --> 00:32:56,943 OKAY THIS IS WHAT INHALE WOULD LOOK LIKE 409 00:32:56,943 --> 00:33:01,314 WITH THE CHIN POINTING SKYWARD, OKAY WE INHALE LIKE THIS. 410 00:33:01,314 --> 00:33:03,483 FILLING THE BELLY. AND WHEN YOU EXHALE, YOU FALL FORWARD. 411 00:33:03,483 --> 00:33:08,188 LIKE THAT. YOU COLLAPSE INTO IT, OKAY SO INHALE LIKE THIS. 412 00:33:08,188 --> 00:33:12,359 AND YOU EXHALE -- FLEX FORWARD AND RELAX. >> Jimmy: I THINK I FELT IT. 413 00:33:12,359 --> 00:33:17,163 [ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, JIMMY, THAT'S NOT IT. THIS IS -- 414 00:33:17,163 --> 00:33:20,967 THAT'S NOT IT. ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOU TO THE NEXT LEVEL 415 00:33:20,967 --> 00:33:27,073 SO, YOU DO THREE INHALATIONS LIKE THAT. WHERE YOU FILL YOUR BELLY. 416 00:33:27,073 --> 00:33:31,678 AND ON THE FOURTH INHALATION, YOU STAND ON YOUR KNEES LIKES THAT 417 00:33:31,678 --> 00:33:34,848 OKAY, YOU THRUST UP. SORRY FOR THAT SHOT. I'M SO SORRY FOR THAT SHOT 418 00:33:34,848 --> 00:33:40,320 [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE AN EXHALE. IT'S LIKE ELVIS PRESLEY, ELVIS 419 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:44,090 THE PELVIS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT'S IN REVERSE. 420 00:33:44,090 --> 00:33:46,993 LET ME MOVE BACK A BIT >> Jimmy: YEP. >> ALL RIGHT, JIM, THE FOURTH 421 00:33:46,993 --> 00:33:51,097 ONE IS THE BIG ONE YOU GOT TO REALLY PULL IT IN SO, INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT, 422 00:33:51,097 --> 00:33:55,001 EXHALE INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT, EXHALE 423 00:33:55,001 --> 00:34:00,040 INHALE, PUSH THE BELLY OUT AND ON THIS ONE, STAND UP ON THE KNEES, INHALE. 424 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:05,912 HOLD IT. PUMP THE BELLY OUT, PUMP THE BELLY OUT, NOW EXHALE. 425 00:34:05,912 --> 00:34:08,848 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU OH MY GOSH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 426 00:34:08,848 --> 00:34:13,620 >> JIMMY, YOU SHOULD FEEL A LOT CLOSER TO GOD. >> Jimmy: RUSSELL BRAND, 427 00:34:13,620 --> 00:34:17,924 EVERYONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> I HOPE YOU FEEL HEALED. 428 00:34:17,924 --> 00:34:20,360 >> Jimmy: RUSSELL BRAND, EVERYONE "REVELATION: CONNECTING WITH 429 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:26,066 THE SACRED IN EVERYDAY LIFE" COMES TO AUDIBLE ON THURSDAY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND 430 00:34:26,066 --> 00:34:45,251 UP FROM MARY BETH BARONE STICK AROUND EVERYBODY * 431 00:34:45,251 --> 00:34:49,756 >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST CAN BE SEEN THIS MAY IN A NEW COMEDY CENTRAL DIGITAL SERIES 432 00:34:49,756 --> 00:34:53,793 MAKING HER TELEVISION DEBUT HERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW," PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY 433 00:34:53,793 --> 00:34:55,628 HERE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW," PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY MARY BETH BARONE 434 00:34:56,463 --> 00:35:05,505 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 435 00:35:05,505 --> 00:35:09,409 >> HI. HELLO. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 436 00:35:09,409 --> 00:35:15,048 I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS MARY BETH, AND I AM ACTUALLY LIVING PROOF THAT EVEN 437 00:35:15,048 --> 00:35:22,655 SELF-AWARE WHITE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 438 00:35:22,655 --> 00:35:27,660 BECAUSE IT'S 2021, PEOPLE ARE GETTING WOKE, RIGHT? AND I'M FROM CONNECTICUT 439 00:35:27,660 --> 00:35:30,630 I COME FROM A GREAT FAMILY, SO I'M, LIKE, CONSTANTLY CHECKING MY PRIVILEGE 440 00:35:30,630 --> 00:35:38,204 [ LAUGHTER ] TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL THERE. [ APPLAUSE ] 441 00:35:38,204 --> 00:35:42,075 'CAUSE THEY KEEP TRYING TO TAKE IT AND I'M LIKE, "NO." [ LAUGHTER ] 442 00:35:42,075 --> 00:35:47,747 I NEED THAT, ACTUALLY. MY FAMILY ISN'T WEALTHY. WE ARE COMFORTABLE, SO HOW I 443 00:35:47,747 --> 00:35:52,719 DESCRIBE IT IS WE DO BELONG TO A YACHT CLUB, BUT WE DON'T OWN A YACHT. 444 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:57,724 [ LAUGHTER ] OR ANOTHER WAY OF THINKING ABOUT IT, I DON'T HAVE A TRUST 445 00:35:57,724 --> 00:36:03,463 FUND TO INHERIT, BUT I WAS GRANDFATHERED INTO UNLIMITED DATA 446 00:36:03,463 --> 00:36:08,134 [ LAUGHTER ] MY PARENTS WERE SUPER SUPPORTIVE OF MY COMEDY, 447 00:36:08,134 --> 00:36:13,940 ESPECIALLY MY DAD. 'CAUSE HE DID STANDUP BACK IN THE '70s, AND THEN, HE TOOK THE 448 00:36:13,940 --> 00:36:20,613 EASY WAY OUT AND BECAME A SURGEON. SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY WE'RE 449 00:36:20,613 --> 00:36:30,223 BOTH IN THE BUSINESS OF SAVING LIVES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 450 00:36:30,223 --> 00:36:32,125 MY MOM'S JUST HAPPY I DIDN'T END UP IN A CAREER THAT WOULD EMBARRASS THE FAMILY LIKE BEING 451 00:36:32,125 --> 00:36:41,735 A SERIAL KILLER. OR A VENTURE CAPITALIST. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 452 00:36:41,735 --> 00:36:44,137 AND THEY HAVE SIX KIDS, MY MOM AND DAD. NOW THERE'S GRANDKIDS, AND I 453 00:36:44,137 --> 00:36:51,444 LOVE MY NIECES, BUT I DO HAVE BEEF WITH MY ONE NEPHEW. HE'S SIX YEARS OLD 454 00:36:51,444 --> 00:36:53,213 AND THE OTHER DAY, HE ASKED MY SISTER-IN-LAW, HE SAID, "IS MARY BETH MY AUNT OR MY 455 00:36:53,213 --> 00:36:58,651 COUSIN?" AND SHE SAID, "MARY BETH IS YOUR AUNT. 456 00:36:58,651 --> 00:37:00,620 AND HE SAID, "WELL THEN WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS ACT LIKE A A CHILD? 457 00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:05,392 [ LAUGHTER ] WHICH I THOUGHT WAS PRETTY RUDE, SO I RAN AND TOLD MY MOM 458 00:37:05,392 --> 00:37:15,835 HE WAS BULLYING ME, AND GOT HIM IN TROUBLE [ APPLAUSE ] 459 00:37:15,835 --> 00:37:18,471 I LOVE KIDS. I REALLY DO. I LOVE KIDS SO MUCH, I'M NOT 460 00:37:18,471 --> 00:37:23,276 GOING TO HAVE ANY. [ LAUGHTER ] AND WHENEVER I SAY THAT, THE 461 00:37:23,276 --> 00:37:27,113 RESPONSE IS ALWAYS THE SAME. PEOPLE TELL ME, "YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. 462 00:37:27,113 --> 00:37:29,082 YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND, BECAUSE IF YOU NEVER HAVE KIDS, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT 463 00:37:29,082 --> 00:37:35,055 IT'S LIKE TO LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF." AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, THAT'S 464 00:37:35,055 --> 00:37:43,296 EXACTLY MY POINT." [ LAUGHTER ] THAT WOULD BE IDEAL, ACTUALLY. 465 00:37:43,296 --> 00:37:45,699 I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR KIDS ANYWAY I HAVE MY HANDS FULL 466 00:37:45,699 --> 00:37:51,171 I'M DATING A 27-YEAR-OLD [ LAUGHTER ] AND WE MET ONLINE. 467 00:37:51,171 --> 00:37:54,974 HE LIVES IN ENGLAND SO THIS DEFINITELY WAS NOT PART OF MY PLAN 468 00:37:54,974 --> 00:37:58,178 I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I WAS GOING TO DATE A GUY, HE WOULD BE REALLY OLD 469 00:37:58,178 --> 00:38:05,919 LIKE ON DEATH'S DOOR, 40 OR SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ] 470 00:38:05,919 --> 00:38:07,787 AND I JUST FEEL LIKE DATING AN OLD GUY WOULD BE REALLY CHILL 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO TIRED TO DO 471 00:38:07,787 --> 00:38:12,492 ANYTHING AND THE FONT ON THEIR PHONE IS SO BIG, YOU CAN READ ALL THEIR 472 00:38:12,492 --> 00:38:18,832 TEXTS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] 473 00:38:18,832 --> 00:38:23,636 I THOUGHT OF THAT JOKE WHEN I WAS AT DINNER WITH MY DAD. BUT HE'S MARRIED 474 00:38:23,636 --> 00:38:31,945 [ LAUGHTER ] THE GUY I'M DATING IS FULLY BRITISH, SO THERE'S OBVIOUSLY 475 00:38:31,945 --> 00:38:39,486 A LANGUAGE BARRIER I'VE BEEN TAKING CLASSES, WHICH HAVE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL 476 00:38:39,486 --> 00:38:42,355 BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, ALL OF MY BRITISH CULTURAL REFERENCES WERE WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE 477 00:38:42,355 --> 00:38:47,360 SPICE GIRLS MOVIE. TURNS OUT ENGLAND HAS A RICH HISTORY OF GIRL GROUPS I NEVER 478 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:53,600 EVEN KNEW ABOUT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND THINGS ARE GOING WELL, BUT 479 00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:57,637 I DON'T KNOW WE'RE JUST LIKE AT DIFFERENT POINTS IN OUR LIVES BECAUSE 480 00:38:57,637 --> 00:39:02,008 HE'S FIVE HOURS AHEAD. [ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, BABY, 481 00:39:02,008 --> 00:39:07,147 GO TO BED. IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL IS 482 00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:11,184 SUSPENDED RIGHT NOW, SO HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO COME HERE AND I KNOW, LIKE, THE VIRUS AND 483 00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:16,890 ALL THAT, BUT IT'S ANNOYING, BECAUSE HE'S WONDERFUL AND I JUST KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN 484 00:39:16,890 --> 00:39:18,925 ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE I LEGALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE BE ALLOWED TO 485 00:39:18,925 --> 00:39:26,399 SEE. THE GUY WHO RAN MARATHONS COMES TO MIND, OR THE GUY WHOSE 486 00:39:26,399 --> 00:39:32,605 FAVORITE BAND WAS THE BEATLES. OR HOW ABOUT THE GUY WHO TEXTED ME TWO SUMMERS AGO AT THREE IN 487 00:39:32,605 --> 00:39:39,279 THE MORNING, "WHAT YOU UP TO?" WHERE WERE YOU THEN, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT 488 00:39:39,279 --> 00:39:41,815 YOU DIDN'T WANT TO INTERVENE WHEN I TOOK A $60 UBER TO BROOKLYN 489 00:39:41,815 --> 00:39:47,253 [ LAUGHTER ] SLEPT IN A BED WITH NAVY BLUE SHEETS AND ONE PILLOW? 490 00:39:47,253 --> 00:39:51,691 WHERE WERE YOU [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME NOW, 491 00:39:51,691 --> 00:39:53,426 AND I'M SO HAPPY, BECAUSE AFTER YEARS OF HOOKING UP WITH COMEDIANS, I FINALLY FOUND A 492 00:39:53,426 --> 00:40:02,669 A GUY WITH A REAL JOB. HE'S AN ACTOR. [ LAUGHTER ] 493 00:40:02,669 --> 00:40:04,871 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH I'M MARY BETH. 494 00:40:04,871 --> 00:40:11,211 * >> Jimmy: THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH! 495 00:40:11,211 --> 00:40:15,815 MARY BETH BARONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MARY BETH BARONE 496 00:40:15,815 --> 00:40:20,053 LOOK FOR MARY BETH ON COMEDY CENTRAL DIGITAL THIS MAY MY THANKS TO CHELSEA HANDLER, 497 00:40:20,053 --> 00:40:26,192 RUSSELL BRAND, MARY BETH BARONE, AND THE ROOTS RIGHT OVER THERE 498 00:40:26,192 --> 00:40:31,431 JOIN US TOMORROW NIGHT WE'LL HAVE ALEXANDER SKARSGARD AND KAROL G ON THE SHOW. 499 00:40:31,431 --> 00:40:34,367 THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY. STAY SAFE. 500 00:40:34,367 --> 00:40:36,136 WEAR A MASK. STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS.