>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - ADAM SANDLER, BEN FALCONE,
COMEDIAN NIMESH PATEL. AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW
>> Questlove: 1664 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT -- I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I SEE YOU. WELCOME, EVERYBODY WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE WATCHING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG SHOW TONIGHT LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS
FIRST, YOU GUYS, THIS WEEKEND WAS QUEEN ELIZABETH'S PLATINUM JUBILEE.
THAT'S RIGHT BRITAIN MARKED THE QUEEN'S 70-YEAR REIGN WITH FOUR DAYS OF
PARADES, PARTIES, AND CELEBRATIONS YEAH, FOUR DAYS.
BASICALLY, THE QUEEN IS LIKE YOUR ANNOYING FRIEND WHO INSISTS ON CELEBRATING THEIR
BIRTHDAY MONTH [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, THE QUEEN CELEBRATED
70 YEARS OF SITTING ON THE THRONE WHEN HE HEARD, YOUR UNCLE WHO
DOES "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE SAID, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS A STAR-STUDDED EVENT WITH PERFORMANCES FROM
ELTON JOHN, ROD STEWART, AND ED SHEERAN YEAH, WHEN ED FIRST WALKED OUT,
THE QUEEN WAS LIKE, "OH, HARRY, YOU'RE BACK. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ED SHEERAN MEANWHILE, PRINCE ANDREW DID
NOT ATTEND ANY FESTIVITIES DUE TO A POSITIVE COVID TEST [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ANDREW WAS LIKE, "IT'S WEIRD I KEEP TESTING POSITIVE RIGHT BEFORE EVERY PUBLIC EVENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] CAN YOU IMAGINE THE ODDS?" YEP, THE QUEEN MADE SEVERAL
APPEARANCES THIS WEEKEND AND AT ONE POINT, SHE SHOWED UP AS HER YOUNGER SELF IN THE FORM
OF A HOLOGRAM. THIS IS REAL CHECK THIS OUT
>> Jimmy: YEAH IT GOT CONFUSING WHEN THERE WAS
A GLITCH AND TUPAC STARTED WAVING TO THE CROWD. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THE CARRIAGE RIDE WASN'T QUEEN ELIZABETH'S ONLY SURPRISE APPEARANCE
SHE ALSO STARRED IN A SHORT FILM HAVING TEA WITH PADDINGTON BEAR
IT'S REALLY CUTE IT'S REAL. TAKE A LOOK.
>> PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE A MARMALADE SANDWICH
I ALWAYS KEEP ONE FOR EMERGENCIES. >> SO DO I
I KEEP MINE IN HERE. >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT. COME ON.
SHE'S THE BEST IT'S SO FUN. IT WENT MUCH BETTER THAN
PADDINGTON'S MEETING WITH ANOTHER WORLD LEADER WATCH THIS
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I'D PREFER IT IF YOU TOOK
THE FIRST BITE >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, VERY SMART.
VERY SMART, PADDINGTON I WOULDN'T [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
YEAH, IT WAS A FOUR-DAY EVENT HONORING THE QUEEN, BUT IT WAS FOUR-YEAR- OLD PRINCE LOUIS WHO
STOLE THE SHOW HERE HE IS AT YESTERDAY'S PAGEANT PARADE
LOOK AT THIS
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: OH, MY GOD * >> Jimmy: AFTER 20 MINUTES,
KATE WAS JUST LIKE, "JUST HAND HIM THE ROYAL iPAD, PLEASE [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW WHEN KATE SAYS, "YEAH, HE'S A REAL PRINCE," PEOPLE KNOW SHE'S BEING SARCASTIC.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT, PRINCE LOUIS' ANTICS WERE GOING VIRAL ALL
WEEKEND. HERE'S ONE PHOTO HERE. LOOKS LIKE HE'S GATHERING HIS
STRENGTH FOR AN 8:00 A.M. ZOOM MEETING. [ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S PRINCE LOUIS NEXT TO THE QUEEN. YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT WAS ACTUALLY AFTER SHE STARTED TELLING HIM "TOP GUN"
SPOILERS AND HE'S LIKE, "DON'T SAY GOOSE, DON'T SAY GOOSE."
AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S THIS ONE HERE THAT'S -- THAT'S HIM PRETENDING
HE'S A PASSENGER ON SPIRIT AIRLINES THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
[ LAUGHTER ] SWITCHING GEARS, THERE ARE RUMORS SWIRLING AROUND THE
VATICAN THAT POPE FRANCIS MIGHT SOON ANNOUNCE HIS RETIREMENT WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'S GOING TO
DO NEXT, THE POPE SAID, "GREETER DE WALMART. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, AT HIS AGE, POPE FRANCIS SAID THAT HE COULD EITHER RETIRE OR BECOME QUARTERBACK OF
THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS THAT'S INTERESTING [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT THIS THE NEW HEAD OF CNN SAID THAT THE NETWORK IS GOING TO STOP
USING THE BREAKING NEWS BANNER THEY SAID THEY USE IT TOO MUCH HE'S GOT A POINT
THEY DO USE IT QUITE A BIT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE STORIES
THEY CLASSIFIED AS BREAKING NEWS TODAY FIRST, THERE WAS THIS.
"POLL SAYS 54% OF AMERICANS DO SOMETHING THE OTHER 46% DON'T. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: BREAKING NEWS? >> Jimmy: THAT'S BREAKING NEWS >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: THERE WAS ALSO THIS STORY HERE "YOU KNOW THAT CELEBRITY WHO
WAS DATING THAT OTHER CELEBRITY? WELL, NOW SHE'S DATING A
A DIFFERENT CELEBRITY. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU GO, "THESE AREN'T
BREAKING --" AND FINALLY, THIS ONE SAYS, "GLENN HOLDING STEADY AT 547th
MOST POPULAR BABY NAME." BREAKING NEWS. >> Steve: BREAKING NEWS.
>> Jimmy: BREAKING NEWS, GLENN WITH TWO Ns. THAT'S RIGHT, CNN IS TRYING TO
TONE THINGS DOWN WITH THEIR BREAKING NEWS GRAPHICS MEANWHILE, MSNBC IS GOING IN
THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION YEP. CHECK OUT WHAT I SAW THIS
MORNING. WATCH THEIR BREAKING NEWS ALERT ON MSNBC
[ EXPLOSIONS ] >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING >> Steve: WOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S THE OPPOSITE. >> Steve: IT GETS YOUR ATTENTION.
>> Jimmy: I WAS NERVOUS. IT WAS JUST THAT GLENN WAS THE 547th MOST POPULAR BABY NAME
>> Steve: THAT'S BREAKING NEWS BITCHES. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: LISTEN TO THIS, GUYS APPLE JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE THAT WILL ALLOW PEOPLE
TO EDIT AND UNSEND MESSAGES. [ AUDIENCE OOHS WHEN THEY HEARD, APPLE USERS
WERE LIKE, "FINALLY. WHAT THE DUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG?"
YOU KNOW [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, YOU CAN NOW UNSEND
MESSAGES NOW EVERYONE GETS TO PLAY THAT FUN GAME, "DID THEY SEE IT
BEFORE I DELETED IT? YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, HEY, GET THIS. ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, THE ACTORS WHOSE NAMES WE
MISPRONOUNCE THE MOST ARE SAOIRSE RONAN, JOAQUIN PHOENIX, AND EWAN McGREGOR
>> Steve: COME ON, THOSE ARE EASY I'VE NEVER MISPRONOUNCED ANY
ACTOR'S NAMES. IT'S MY JOB, YOU KNOW. GO AHEAD, TRY ME
>> Jimmy: YOU WANT ME TO TEST YOU ON HOW TO PRONOUNCE ACTOR'S NAMES.
>> Steve: MM-HM. >> Jimmy: OKAY WELL, WE'LL START OUT SIMPLE
WHO'S THIS NEXT TO YOU >> Steve: OH, THAT'S EASY. SAMUEL LaJACKSON
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY WHO'S THIS
>> Steve: ROBOT DINER. [ LAUGHTER ] COME ON, GIVE ME SOME HARD
ONES, MAN. >> Jimmy: YOU WANT RAPID - >> Steve: RAPID FIRE ME.
>> Jimmy: YOU WANT RAPID FIRE? >> Steve: FIRE AWAY, MAN >> Jimmy: I'M NOT SURE THIS IS
A GREAT IDEA, BUT -- >> Steve: I'M READY. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO LET'S JUST START ROLLING WHO'S THIS
>> Steve: EASY CATE BLANKET >> Jimmy: NO
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: EIGHTEEN BANANAS >> Jimmy: HM-MM.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: FRENCH FRIES McDONALD.
>> Jimmy: NO [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: BATMAN RIDDLER
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] LEGGO MY EGGO. PENN AND TELLER.
OH, THAT'S BEEN EATIN' DEL TACO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.
ITCHY DANDRUFF TENNIS ELBOW SHINING TAINT.
HE'LL WANT TO BONE IN THE CAR? [ LAUGHTER ] OH, I LOVE THIS GUY.
LOVE THIS GUY. COLON BIRTH. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
VERY GOOD. OKAY, HIG -- STEVE HIGGINS, EVERYBODY.
VERY TALENTED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
VERY TALENTED. >> Steve: GLENN. >> HEY, GUYS, I READ ABOUT A
A THEME PARK IN PENNSYLVANIA WHERE A RIDE MALFUNCTIONED AND LEFT PASSENGERS STUCK
UPSIDE-DOWN. [ AUDIENCE OHS ] THEY COULDN'T FIX IT, SO THEY
JUST SAID THE THEME OF THE RIDE WAS "STRANGER THINGS." [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS WENT VIRAL. TWO WOMEN IN ENGLAND WERE RELAXING ON AN OVERSIZED CHAIR,
AND THEY REALIZED THAT THEY COULDN'T GET OUT WATCH THIS
>> JESUS CHRIST! JES --
USE YOUR CRUTCH, SUE USE YOUR CRUTCH. USE YOUR CRUTCH.
JESUS, SUE GIVE HER YOUR CRUTCH USE YOUR CRUTCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] USE YOUR CRUTCH. >> Jimmy: IN ALL FAIRNESS TO
SUE, IT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE SHE'S USING HER CRUTCH AS HARD AS SHE CAN
[ LAUGHTER ] FAKE FRIENDS HELP YOU OUT OF A A CHAIR.
REAL FRIENDS FILM YOU, LAUGH, AND THEN POST THE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET
ANYWAY, THEY LIVE THERE NOW. [ LAUGHTER ] FINALLY, IT IS TIME FOR "GOOD
NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY.
* GOOD NAME BAD NAME GREAT NAME
YES * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: FIRST UP WE HAVE,
"ABOUT DAMN TIME." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A NEW SONG BY LIZZO.
IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A FUNERAL PARLOR IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR A STORE
THAT SELLS ENGAGEMENT RINGS. THERE YOU GO [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
AFTER THAT, WE'VE GOT, "BUZZFEED. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A
A NEWS SITE. THAT'S A BAD NAME FOR A HAIR SALON.
IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR A 3:00 A.M. DRIVE-THRU LINE AT TACO BELL.
[ APPLAUSE ] NEXT, THERE'S, "THE STAIRCASE. WELL, THAT IS A GOOD NAME FOR
AN HBO SHOW. IT'S A BAD NAME FOR AN AIRBNB. IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR
A COURTROOM DRAMA ABOUT A SLINKY OH, INTERESTING.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Steve: ALONE OR IN PAIRS? >> Jimmy: HE WAS PUSHED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: AFTER THAT, THERE'S "BREAK FREE.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD NAME FOR A A SONG BY ARIANA GRANDE. A BAD NAME FOR A PRISON.
GREAT NAME FOR TAKING OFF YOUR SPANX AFTER A WEDDING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ POPPING SOUND AND FINALLY, WE HAVE, "AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH."
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A A SONG THAT IS A BAD NAME FOR A PILOT
SCHOOL IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR TRYING TO GET SERVICE WHEN YOU HAVE AT&T
THERE YOU GO, THAT IS "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT
ADAM SANDLER IS HERE, TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BEN FALCONE IS ON THE SHOW
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND WE'VE GOT GREAT STANDUP COMEDY FROM NIMESH PATEL
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ADAM SANDLER, EVERYBODY. COME ON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WELL, I HAVE A VIDEO THAT SOMEONE SHOT OF YOU
DOING -- DOING SOMETHING SPECTACULAR. TAKE A LOOK OF ADAM SANDLER
MAKING A BALCONY SHOT. >> OKAY, YES YES.
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS THING
YOU ARE WATCHING BALCONY BALL.
[ RIM CLANKING ] >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE HAVE SOME FUN NEWS. LAST NIGHT WAS THE MTV MUSIC AND TV AWARDS AND "THE TONIGHT
SHOW" WAS VOTED BEST TALK SHOW, SO I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THIS IS ALL VOTED ON BY THE FANS, SO IT'S EXTRA SPECIAL TO
US YOU ARE WHY WE DO THIS SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
SO THANK YOU TO ALL MY FANS OUT THERE AND THANK YOU TO MTV YOU KNOW, THAT WAS PRETTY COOL
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT WEEK OF SHOWS AHEAD.
MELISSA McCARTHY WILL BE HERE THIS WEEK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SUPER FUNNY. LOVE HER DEMI LOVATO WILL BE HERE
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD WILL BE HERE AND WE HAVE MUSIC PERFORMANCES
FROM MIRANDA LAMBERT, MARCUS KING, AND CHRIS MARTIN FROM COLD PLAY
HE'S GOT A NEW BAND, THE WEIRDOS. BUT FIRST, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE
TONIGHT. HE CREATED AND STARS IN THE NEW SHOW, "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT,"
WHICH BEGINS STREAMING ON NETFLIX JUNE 15th. BEN FALCONE IS HERE TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ LAUGHTER ] "FAVORITE IDIOT.
AND HE HAS A NEW COMEDY SPECIAL CALLED "THANK YOU CHINA," AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE
WE HAVE STANDUP FROM NIMESH PATEL, IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "THANK YOU CHINA." BUT OUR FIRST GUEST IS ONE OF
OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITES HE IS A FIVE-TIME EMMY AND THREE-TIME GRAMMY NOMINEE
STARRING IN THE NEW FILM, "HUSTLE," WHICH IS IN THEATERS NOW AND ON NETFLIX THIS
WEDNESDAY. PLEASE WELCOME OUR PAL, THE ONE AND ONLY ADAM SANDLER.
* *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> YOU GOTTA DO THE HUSTLE >> Jimmy: YOU GOTTA -- YOU
HAVE -- >> IF YOU DON'T DO THE HUSTLE, WHO ARE YOU?
>> Jimmy: YOU GOTTA DO THE HUSTLE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT'S ADAM SANDLER. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. >> I'M HAPPY TO SEE EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY LOOKS VERY NICE. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC >> Jimmy: OH, COME ON, BUDDY
YOU LOOK GREAT TOO IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON
>> Jimmy: I NOTICED SOMETHING GOING ON IN YOUR EYE, BUDDY. >> I HAD AN ACCIDENT,
EVERYBODY. EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, BUT I WISH IT WAS A GOOD STORY
IT'S PATHETIC. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS, JIMMY,
I'M IN MY BED. >> Jimmy: UH-HUH [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOD >> AND SO -- >> Jimmy: WOW.
>> SO I -- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M IN MY BED. IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING
AND SOMEBODY MADE THE BED. YOU KNOW WHEN THEY MAKE THE BED AND THEY TUCK IN THE BOTTOM
PART OF THE BED? [ LAUGHTER ] SO -- SO I'M IN THE BED, I'M
KIND OF LIKE, "IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING. I FORGOT TO UNTUCK IT.
I'M GOING, "WHY IS IT SO UNCOMFORTABLE? AND I'M FEELING SQUISHED AND I
HAVE MY PHONE IS HERE NEXT TO ME IN THE BED. I ALWAYS BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP
CHECK OUT MY NET WORTH ON THE PHONE, YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, YEAH AS ONE -- AS ONE DOES. YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> YOU HAVE -- YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT HOW LIFE IS AND ALL THAT
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE WORTH. >> SO, ANYWAY, I FOR REAL,
STARTED GETTING PANICKY AND I KICKED MY LEGS SO I -- IT'S LIKE, "GOD, DAMN
IT." THAT'S -- HAD BROOM AND A PHONE FLY THROUGH THE AIR AND HITS ME
IN THE FACE, SO AT -- [ LAUGHTER ] [ SAD TUBA ]
SO FUNNY ANYWAYS, I WAS BLEEDING TERRIBLY
I MEAN, I THOUGHT IT WAS PITCH BLACK IN THE ROOM, AND I FEEL -- AND I FEEL WETNESS
AND I GO, "YES, I'M -- I TRICKED MYSELF." I GO, "THIS IS PROBABLY JUST
THICK TEARS. [ LAUGHTER ] I REALLY WAS SO TIRED.
>> Jimmy: CRY SOMETIMES WHEN YOU SLEEP? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WAS HAVING A SAD DREAM. [ LAUGHTER ] I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP, YOU
KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS TIRED. AND I WAS LIKE, "AH, WE'LL FIX THAT LATER."
SO, I SLEPT. AND THEN I THINK I TOOK A PILLOW AND PUT IT ON IT TO
STOP THE BLEEDING. AND THEN WHEN I WOKE UP, IT WAS HORRIBLE
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER IT WAS GUSHING STILL AND --
>> Jimmy: BLOOD ALL OVER THE BED. >> THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE BED
AND ALL THAT STUFF AND THEN, SO I WENT TO THE - I SAID, "I'VE GOT TO GET THIS
FIXED," SO I WENT TO THE APPLE STORE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU GOT TO GET -- YEAH, MAKE SURE THAT WORKED AND
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH HOW IS IT WITH FAM
I KNOW YOU HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. >> AS DO YOU
I SAW THE PICTURES OF THE KIDS THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, BUDDY
YEAH >> GORGEOUS. YEP.
>> Jimmy: HOW OLD ARE YOUR KIDS NOW? >> 13 AND 16
SO THEY HAD A BAT MITZVAH AND A SWEET 16 ON THE SAME WEEKEND THAT WAS A BIG DEAL, RIGHT
BAT MITZVAH -- [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S A LOT OF
PARTY. >> IT WAS A BIG PARTY. IT WAS SUCH A GIANT PARTY WE
THREW FOR THEM, ME AND MY WIFE THAT I LITERALLY HAD TO SIGN A A NEW 10-PICTURE DEAL WITH
NETFLIX TO PAY FOR IT. [ LAUGHTER ] I NEED HELP, MAN
>> Jimmy: BUT I HEARD THAT THIS IS THE ONE -- >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: CHARLIE PUTH AND HALSEY WAS AT AND PERFORMED? COME ON.
>> YEAH, YEAH. YES, THEY WERE AWESOME THEY WERE GREAT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD DAD. >> A GOOD AMOUNT OF PEOPLE >> Jimmy: GOOD MOM.
>> YES, YES. ACTUALLY, THEY - THE KIDS HAD THE GREATEST TIME
AND HALSEY AND CHARLIE PUTH WERE GREAT TO THEM ALL AND INCLUDED THEM.
AND THE KIDS SANG WITH THEM. AND THEY JUST DO IT BEAUTIFUL. BUT WHAT IT KIND OF WARPED
THEIR HEADS A LITTLE BIT THINKING LIKE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AT BAT MITZVAHS.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND, LIKE, THEY WENT TO A BAT MITZVAH A COUPLE WEEKS LATER
AND ONE OF MY DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS. I SAID, "HOW WAS THE BAT
MITZVAH? ONE OF MY DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS SAID, "OH, IT WAS LAME
YOU KNOW, THEY DIDN'T HAVE NO - THE KID'S GRANDMOTHER SANG
KARAOKE. [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S --
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> "YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY NICE."
YOU KNOW AND IT WAS ACTUALLY BARBRA STREISAND TOO
IT WAS -- [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU SENT OVER -- YOU SENT OVER A PHOTO -- >> YES
>> Jimmy: -- I THINK THIS IS VERY SWEET >> NOW THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
>> Jimmy: TELL US ABOUT THIS THIS IS YOUR -- >> THAT'S MY WIFE'S GRANDMA.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS 106 YEARS OLD YESTERDAY. AND SHE'S AWESOME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: THAT'S AMAZING
>> SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, NICE LADY. ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD, AND JUST
A GOOD, GOOD LADY. AND I LOVE HER AND THE WHOLE FAMILY LOVES HER
>> Jimmy: WOW, WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE >> SHE'S POINTING --
YOU SEE THAT SHE'S POINTING IN THAT SHOT? SHE'S POINTING AT ME SAYING,
"YOU'LL NEVER LIVE THIS LONG." [ LAUGHTER ] NO, NO
SO, I DO LOVE HER VERY MUCH. WE ALL WENT TO SEE HER IN FLORIDA AND THEN BOUGHT HER
A CAKE AND PUT 106 CANDLES ON THE CAKE FOR HER AND JUST TO MAKE IT FUN, I --
THE CANDLE WAS THE GWYNETH PALTROW VAGINA CANDLES [ LAUGHTER ]
SO, YOU KNOW, THE SMELL LIKE THE VAGINA CANDLES >> Jimmy: UH-HUH
>> SO WE PUT THEM ON THE CAKE. >> Jimmy: UH-HUH [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HANG ON THERE'S MORE, THERE'S MORE [ LAUGHTER ]
AND SO, GRANDMA BLOWS VERY HARD >> Jimmy: OH, OKAY
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AND A LOT OF SMOKE IN THE ROOM
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> YOU KNOW? SO SHE JUST PUT A LOT OF PIZAZZ
INTO THE BLOW TO GET ALL 106 VAGINA CANDLES OUT AND THEN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
WAS PREGNANT >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO THAT'S A GREAT PARTY
UNBELIEVABLE [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FANTASTIC MOVIE, "HUSTLE. >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: CONGRATS, BUD. I LOVED IT >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: THIS MOVIE IS -- IT'S SET IN THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL.
>> YES >> Jimmy: I KNOW YOU LOVE BASKETBALL
>> YES >> Jimmy: AND LeBRON JAMES CALLS YOU UP AND SAYS, "ADAM,
WE SHOULD DO THIS. I WANT TO PRODUCE THIS MOVIE WITH YOU."
>> THEY -- HIS COMPANY, LeBRON'S COMPANY, AND JOE ROTH, THEY HAD THIS GREAT SCRIPT
AND IT WAS ABOUT A SCOUT DISCOVERING SOMEONE OVERSEAS, BRINGING HIM INTO THE NBA AND
IT WAS AWESOME AND I GOT TO KNOW LeBRON A A LITTLE BIT AND I ASKED HIM -
I DO PLAY A LOT OF HOOPS, SO I WANTED TO GET A QUICK TIP. AND I SAID, "ANYTHING YOU
SUGGEST TO FIX MY GAME?" AND HE GOES, "YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY -- IT'S VERY SIMPLE
YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GET A FULL BODY TRANSPLANT." [ LAUGHTER ]
SO, YEAH, I'M GOING TO DO THAT >> Jimmy: THAT'S INTERESTING WELL, I HAVE A VIDEO THAT
SOMEONE SHOT OF YOU DOING SOMETHING SPECTACULAR. TAKE A LOOK AT ADAM SANDLER
MAKING A BALCONY SHOT. >> OH, OKAY. YES, YES
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS
>> MY NAME IS ADAM SANDLER AND
YOU ARE WATCHING BALCONY BALL. [ SWISH OH
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: CARRY YOU.
I WANT TO CARRY YOU AROUND LIKE RUDY >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO CARRY YOU AROUND LIKE RUDY THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> YOU CAN'T WITH ME, NOW. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I CAN. I WANT TO TALK MORE ABOUT
"HUSTLE" AND SHOW A CLIP WHEN WE COME BACK MORE WITH ADAM SANDLER,
EVERYBODY. THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE HANGING WITH OUR PAL, ADAM SANDLER, WHO STARS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> THAT WAS NICE OF YOU. GET THEM RILED UP AGAIN. >> Jimmy: NO, COME ON.
"HUSTLE. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. LET'S TALK ABOUT "HUSTLE."
>> RIGHT >> Jimmy: CONGRATS IT'S GETTING GREAT REVIEWS
I LOVE IT BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST LIKE, TO ME, IT'S ALMOST LIKE "ROCKY" FOR BASKETBALL
>> YES IN PHILLY. WE SHOT IN PHILLY.
MY HEART'S OUT TO PHILLY THE TRAGEDY YESTERDAY. IT'S TERRIBLE WITH THE
SHOOTING >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND LOVE TO EVERYONE IN
PHILLY BUT YES, WE HAD A GREAT TIME IN PHILADELPHIA
YOU GUYS KNOW IT >> Jimmy: THE ROOTS KNOW EXACTLY.
THE ROOTS ARE IN -- THEY'RE IN THE SOUNDTRACK >> THE ROOTS -- WE GOT A GREAT
TUNE OF THE ROOTS AND THEY GOT A LOT OF GOOD FILL-IN MUSIC IN THERE.
AND THEY WERE SO NICE TO US WHILE WE WERE SHOOTING AND THEY JUST TREATED US LIKE FAMILY,
EVERYBODY THERE. SO, THANK YOU TO PHILLY. AND WE ALSO SHOT IN SPAIN.
WE WENT TO SPAIN BECAUSE I DISCOVER THIS KID IN SPAIN AND BRING HIM BACK TO, YOU KNOW,
PHILLY TO TRY TO GET HIM INTO THE NBA. BUT I WAS TELLING JIMMY WHEN I
WENT THERE, I'M SWIMMING IN THE MEDITERRANEAN, RIGHT IT'S VERY SALTY, THE SEA OVER
THERE. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THE MEDITERRANEAN HAS A LOT OF
SALT SO, YOU FLOAT. YOU FLOAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO TREAD WATER. YOU JUST FLOAT
SO, I'M FLOATING AROUND, HAVING A FUN TIME FLOATING. SANDMAN JUST FLOATING AROUND
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] >> I LOOK UP AND I SEE A BEACH
AND I SAID, "FLOATING CLOSER TO THE BEACH. EVERYBODY IS NUDE.
THEY'RE ALL FEELING GREAT ABOUT THEMSELVES BEING NUDE. AND NO ONE EVEN CARES.
THERE'S OLDER PEOPLE NUDE. YOUNG, GOOD PEOPLE WHO LOOK GOOD, PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK SO
GOOD, NUDE EVERYONE IS NUDE >> Jimmy: EVERYONE IS NUDE
>> THEY DON'T CARE THEY JUST FEEL COMFORTABLE THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "IT DOESN'T
MATTER TO ME THIS IS WHO I AM I'M GOING TO BE NUDE."
SO, I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT LET ME DO THAT LET ME TRY THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT.
AND EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE COOL HERE LET ME GET THIS, I'M SWIMMING.
I STAND UP IN THE WATER. I TAKE MY BATHING SUIT OFF I'M STILL UNDERWATER
AND I'M, KIND OF, SLOWLY WORKING UP THE CONFIDENCE. I TAKE MY BATHING SUIT OFF
AND I SAY, I SHOULDN'T DO THIS I'M LIKE, "IS SOMEONE'S GOING TO TAKE MY PICTURE AND RUIN MY
LIFE LET ME JUST STAY UNDERWATER. THIS WAS A MISTAKE."
I'M LOOKING FOR MY BATHING SUIT BUT BECAUSE IT'S SO SALTY, THE
TESTICLES AND THE -- [ LAUGHTER ] THEY WERE FLOATING UP, SO YOU
CAN SEE THEM KIND OF FLOATING ON TOP OF THE WATER AND THE OTHER THING -- THE THING
ATTACKS TO THE TESTICLE ON TOP OF THE TESTICLE WAS FLOATING AROUND TOO AND I WAS FLYING TO
PUSH ITDOWN AND IT KEPT COMING BACK UP AND FLOATING [ LAUGHTER ]
SO THERE WAS A SPANISH SEA GULL NEARBY [ LAUGHTER ]
[ RIM SHOT ] AND THE SPANISH SEA GULL, I THINK, IT TRANSLATED TO THE
WORD, "WORM. [ LAUGHTER ] AND IT STARTS COMING TOWARD ME
AND THEN ONE OR THE OTHER SEES US, "NO, NO, NO. NO WORM, NO WORM."
>> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO >> BUT THEN A THIRD SEA GULL GOES, "McDONALD'S FRENCH FRY."
SO THEY'RE COMING AT ME. I GAVE IT TO THEM. I WAS A GUEST IN THEIR COUNTRY
I SAID, "YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME." AND --
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT A GENTLEMAN DOES [ APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT'S WHAT I -- >> Jimmy: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN. YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN
>> THAT'S HOW THEY RAISED ME [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
IT'S SO GOOD IT'S HEARTWARMING. IT'S FUNNY
AND IF YOU LOVE BASKETBALL OR SPORTS, YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK THIS OUT
HERE'S A CLIP. ADAM SANDLER IN "HUSTLE. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> THANK YOU, BUDDY.
COME ON, MAN
ALL RIGHT. YOUR FIRST YEAR IN THE LEAGUE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET NO CALLS
YOU NEED A HANDOUT GET OUT OF HERE. DON'T LOOK SO SAD.
GO AHEAD, ZOOM IN ON THAT SAD FACE OF HIS RIGHT NOW. AND I WANT YOU TO FINISH
THROUGH IT LET'S GO OKAY, SHOW HIM THE SIDE.
THAT'S RIGHT OKAY, YEAH ALL RIGHT, YOU ABSORB THE
CONTACT. I NEED YOU TO FINISH THROUGH THE CONTACT.
ALL RIGHT? ALEX, YOU GET THAT YEAH, WE'RE GETTING IT
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO AND CUT. MOVE
GO DOWN ALL THE WAY. NOW FINISH IT. [ SWISH
THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE IT TO THE RIM. WHAT HAPPENED?
WERE YOU ON ME ALWAYS ON THE MONEY, SWEETHEART
GOOD GOD >> HE IS MAD BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT'D HE SAY BECAUSE I'M WHAT
HE MADE A FAT JOKE [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: ADAM SANDLER, EVERYBODY. "HUSTLE" IS IN THEATERS NOW AND
ON NETFLIX THIS WEDNESDAY. MORE "TONIGHT SHOW" AFTER THE BREAK.
STICK AROUND * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK HEY, GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR A BRAND-NEW GAME
THIS IS "SHREDDY OR NOT.
*
* SHREDDY OR NO SHREDDY OR NOT * * SHREDDY OR NO
SHREDDY OR NOT YEAH * [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: NOW, HERE'S HOW THIS WORKS. BEFORE THE SHOW, WE FOUND TWO
MEMBERS FROM OUR AUDIENCE TO COME JOIN US DOWN HERE ON STAGE.
ONE OF THEM IS REALLY GOOD AT GUITAR, A SHREDDER THE OTHER HAS NEVER HELD A
A GUITAR BEFORE IN THEIR LIFE. WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S WHO BY ASKING THEM EACH ONE
QUESTION CAN WE GET OUR GUITARISTS TO THE STAGE, PLEASE.
COME ON OVER
*
* SHREDDY OR NO SHREDDY OR NOT SHREDDY OR NOT
YEAH * [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: I'M JUST KIDDING
HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU, BUD [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE OKAY, CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, AND WHERE
ARE YOU FROM >> MY NAME IS ELLIS, AND I'M FROM L.A
>> Jimmy: OKAY ELLIS FROM L.A [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM
>> MY NAME IS HECTOR AND I'M ORIGINALLY FROM NEW YORK, BUT I LIVE IN JERSEY
NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: AND THAT'S ALL I CAN
ASK YOU. THAT'S ALL I CAN ASK YOU NOW WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT IF
YOU CAN SHRED. QUEST, YOU GO FIRST. YOU CAN ASK THEM BOTH JUST ONE
QUESTION FOR BOTH OF THEM >> Questlove: OKAY
DID YOU MASTER "ERUPTION" OR "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" FIRST >> "ERUPTION."
>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S INTERESTING
I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A VERY POKER MOVE IT'S GOTTA BE.
>> Tariq: HE'S TRYING TO THROW YOU OFF THE TRAIL. >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S TRYING TO
THROW ME OFF THE TRAIL HIGGINS, IT'S YOUR TURN. WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION
>> Steve: WELL, QUEST TOOK MINE [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT, MULLET. YOU HAVE A MULLET. HMM.
ALL RIGHT. IS ONE OF YOUR FINGERS SUPER CALLUSED
>> I MEAN, I USE MY HANDS A LOT, SO I HAVE MANY CALLUSES ON A LOT OF MY FINGERS
>> Steve: HMM. >> Jimmy: OKAY >> Steve: OKAY
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT YOU? >> THEY'RE KIND OF SOFT.
SO - NO, NOT REALLY THEY'RE SOFT
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: BONUS QUESTION CAN YOU PLAY "WONDERWALL"?
>> OF COURSE WHO CAN'T PLAY "WONDERWALL," YOU KNOW
>> Steve: I THOUGHT HE WOULD SAY, "MAYBE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. HIGGINS, YOU ASKED TOO MANY. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, I THINK I KNOW WHO SHREDS AND WHO DOESN'T, BUT MY QUESTION IS, THERE'S A LADY
WHO'S SURE ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD >> WHAT IS THAT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> I'M SURE SHE'S A WONDERFUL LADY
>> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME TO MAKE OUR GUESSES.
QUEST, WHO IS THE SHREDDER WHAT DO YOU THINK? CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE OR
CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO? >> Questlove: CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO IS TRYING TO THROW ME OFF.
I THINK IT'S CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO. >> Jimmy: OKAY
HIGGBONES, WHAT DO YOU THINK >> Steve: I'M GOING TO GO WITH QUEST.
'CAUSE IT'S TOO, IT'S TOO, TOO MUCH [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW I WILL SAY CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE IS KIND OF HOLDING IT LIKE
HE'S READY TO JUST EXPLODE ON THE WORLD. >> Steve: READY TO ROCK, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND SO I FEEL -- BUT UNLESS HE'S DOING A REALLY GOOD POKER -
>> Steve: I THINK HE IS. I THINK HE IS. HE'S LIKE MAVERICK
NOT THE MOVIE, BUT THE POKER PLAYER [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT. CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE, SHOW US
WHAT YOU GOT >> ALL RIGHT ROOTS, CAN WE GET A BEAT AND
SEE. * *
>> Jimmy: WE GOT -- WE GOT - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE GOT PLAYED.
I THINK WE GOT PLAYED PRETTY BAD. CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO.
LET'S SEE IF SHREDDY OR NOT. * *
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE. CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, YOU ARE
THE WINNER CONGRATULATIONS. *
YOU GET -- YOU GET A YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO "RV LIFESTYLE" MAGAZINE BECAUSE -
[ LAUGHTER ] -- YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING ON TOUR
>> RIGHT >> Jimmy: AND BOTH OF YOU -- HERE, YOU CAN TAKE IT.
YOU BOTH ARE GOING HOME WITH CUSTOM SHREDDY VEDDER SWEATSHIRTS TONIGHT.
* CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
YOU SHRED, BUDDY THAT WAS AWESOME OH, MY GOD
THANKS FOR PLAYING WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BEN FALCONE, EVERYBODY
COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY TALENTED ACTOR, WRITER, AND DIRECTOR
HE CREATED AND STARS IN THE NEW SHOW "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT" WHICH BEGINS STREAMING ON
NETFLIX JUNE 15th. PLEASE WELCOME BEN FALCONE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: MAN, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUDDY
>> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
HOW'S THE FAM? >> EVERYBODY IS REALLY GOOD. THANKS FOR ASKING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH YOU'RE MARRIED TO THE VERY FUNNY, MELISSA McCARTHY.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON THE SHOW YOU HAVE TWO KIDS, RIGHT
>> THAT'S RIGHT. WE HAVE TWO GIRLS, YEAH. >> Jimmy: DO THEY REALIZE THAT
THEIR PARENTS ARE FUNNY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> THEY DO NOT
THEY DO NOT. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, WE TRY TO DO BITS FOR
THEM, JIMMY. AND USUALLY, IT'S MET WITH A A STONE FACE AND THEN,
EVENTUALLY LIKE, "PLEASE STOP. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY
>> WHAT WE DECIDED IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE OUR BITS AND THEY DON'T THINK WE'RE FUNNY,
IS THAT WE GO THE OTHER WAY. SO, WE SAY, "OKAY, FINE. WOULD YOU RATHER THAT WE'RE
BANKERS? AND SO, WE HAD THESE CHARACTERS THAT WE PLAY THAT ARE THE
BANKERS. AND THE BANKERS ARE VERY SERIOUS, AND IT BECOMES MUCH
MORE LIKE, "GEORGETTE, I HOPE SCHOOL WAS INTERESTING TODAY [ LAUGHTER ]
WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE LONGEST PORTION OF YOUR DAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY WE DO IT LONG ENOUGH, AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OKAY, DO YOUR STUPID DANCING.
>> Jimmy: WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW. IT'S CALLED "GOD'S FAVORITE
IDIOT. GOD, THAT MADE ME LAUGH, JUST HEARING THAT TITLE
CAN YOU SET UP WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT? I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
>> SURE. IT'S JUST ABOUT THIS UNASSUMING GUY NAMED CLARK.
I PLAY CLARK HE IS A MESSENGER OF GOD AND HE DOESN'T -- HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM OR WHY WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM IS HAPPENING TO HIM
AND BASICALLY, IT'S A LOOK - IT'S A COMEDY. AND IT'S A LOOK AT WHAT WOULD
HAPPEN IF, LIKE, A DOOFUS WAS CHOSEN TO SAVE THE WORLD >> Jimmy: I WANT TO ASK YOU
ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IN THE SHOW, YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH MELISSA'S CHARACTER.
WE WERE TALKING A LITTLE BIT BACKSTAGE, AND YOU SAID, THE PROPOSAL WAS TERRIBLE.
>> I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE. I KNEW I LOVED HER VERY MUCH AND I WANTED TO MARRY HER.
SO -- BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE THINGS AND, YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T TAKE
HER TO A TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OR ANYTHING AND ALSO SHE DOESN'T LIKE
MOUNTAINS, SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN STUPID IN THE FIRST PLACE >> Jimmy: YEAH, OF COURSE.
SO TAKE THE MOUNTAINS OFF. >> YEAH. NO MOUNTAINS
SO I'M LIKE, HER FAVORITE PLACE TO GET BAGELS IS FROM THIS PLACE.
AND HER FAVORITE PLACE IN TOWN IS OUR BACK PORCH. BECAUSE SHE HAD JUST REMODELED
THIS HOUSE AND THE BACK PORCH WAS LOVELY. SO, I'VE BAGELS.
AND I'M KIND OF STARTING TO FREAK OUT. AND I'M LIKE, "MELISSA, WOULD
YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE BACK PORCH, PLEASE? [ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, BOY, HE'S GETTING A LITTLE WEIRD ON ME." I'M ABOUT TO DROP TO A KNEE,
AND BANG, BANG, BANG ON THE DOOR WHO'S THAT
OH, IT'S A CONTRACTOR. HE'S HERE TO INSTALL A VINTAGE TOILET
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: SO YOU CAN'T ASK HER THEN
>> NO. BECAUSE THERE'S A GUY MESSING AROUND WITH THE TOILET
LIKE, I COULDN'T BE THE TOILET PROPOSAL >> Jimmy: NO
WHAT DO YOU DO YOU HAVE THE BAGELS. >> SO, I'VE GOT THE BAGELS
SO, NOW WE'RE JUST EATING BAGELS AND IT'S JUST WEIRD.
AND SO NOW, I TAKE HER TO A DOG PARK BECAUSE I'M LIKE, "PLAN B, A
A DOG PARK." AND THEN, I'M LIKE -- I DON'T WANT TO --
WE CAN'T DO THIS AT A DOG PARK FINALLY -- >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
>> WE DO AT LEAST WE HAVE A DOG [ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
>> Jimmy: WE'RE TAKING THE PLUMBER TO A DOG PARK. WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
WOW. >> SO FINALLY, I'M FREAKING OUT.
MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS JUST SKYROCKETING ALL DAY AND THE GUY LEAVES
MELISSA IS WATCHING AN AUTOPSY SHOW [ LAUGHTER ]
AND PLAYING LIKE A HAND HELD TETRIS GAME THAT YOU WOULD PLAY WITH -- I DON'T KNOW 20 YEARS
AGO. AND I LITERALLY -- I'M SO JACKED UP AND I'M FREAKED OUT.
AND I JUST RUSH AT HER AND GO, "MELISSA, WILL YOU MARRY ME! [ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE DID -- ACTUALLY, SHE TECHNICALLY NEVER SAID YES [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE WAS JUST, I THINK, SO FREAKED OUT. SHE GAVE ME A HUG AND IT SEEMED
LIKE EVERYTHING WAS COOL AND WE DID GET MARRIED. >> Jimmy: YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED
EVER SINCE CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU COME ON YOU GUYS MAKE A GREAT TEAM
I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE'S BEN FALCONE AND MELISSA McCARTHY IN "GOD'S
FAVORITE IDIOT." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT SOMETIME? BUT WITH ME THOUGH I ASK BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE
REALLY NICE. AND YOU'RE -- YOU'RE VERY LOVELY
YOU'RE VERY BOLD ALSO IN A NON-HARASSMENT WAY IN THE WORKPLACE.
I WANTED JUST TO SAY THAT I THINK YOU'RE NOT UGLY. IN AN ATTRACTIVENESS WAY
OH, THAT'S NOT IT. >> THAT IS NOT IT. YOU BASICALLY JUST CALLED ME A
A DUDE AND AN UGLY DUDE >> PERHAPS WE COULD IMAGINE
THAT I'M DOING THIS BETTER COULD WE PRETEND, PERHAPS, THAT I'M A BRAD PITT?
I DON'T KNOW BRAD PITT I SHOULD CALL HIM BRADLEY PITT COULD WE PRETEND THAT I'M
BRADLEY PITT DOING THIS HOW HE WOULD DO IT. LIKE BRADLEY PITT IS SUDDENLY
INSIDE OF MY BODY. >> OH. THAT'S -- OKAY
>> NOPE. NO NO, BRADLEY PITT -
>> IT'S A DIFFERENT VISUAL >> HE IS NOT -- YEAH HE'S NOT THERE
AND THAT'S -- LET'S WIPE OUR SLATE CLEAN OF THAT. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: BEN FALCONE, EVERYBODY. "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT" BEGINS
STREAMING ON NETFLIX JUNE 15th WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND-UP FROM NIMESH PATEL
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST HAS HIS NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL, "THANK YOU CHINA" AVAILABLE NOW
ON YOUTUBE MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY
FUNNY NIMESH PATEL
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> HI, HI, HI. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH MY PARENTS CAUGHT ME SMOKING
WEED ON A YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM AT AGE 35 MY DAD CALLED ME IMMEDIATELY
"NIMESH, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? I SAID, IT'S WEED, DAD HE SAID, "YOU NEED TO QUIT."
I SAID, "OKAY, DAD, I'LL QUIT SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES."
HE SAID THE MOST DAD THING EVER HE SAID, "I'M NOT GOING TO
ARGUE WITH YOU." I SAID, "YEAH, DAD, WE JUST HAD THE ARGUMENT
YOU LOST [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S FINE.
TAKE THE 'L,' BRO. HE SAID, "I'LL GET YOU BACK. THEN HE HUNG UP.
AND A FEW MINUTES LATER, I START SEEING ALL THE DISLIKES ON MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS GO UP BY
ONE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN I GOT A CALL FROM MY
MOM. "NIMESH, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? AND SHE'S MAD RELIGIOUS, SO I
SAID, HINDU KUSH [ LAUGHTER ] SHE SAID, "DON'T GET SMART
IS THAT WEED YOU NEED TO STOP IT'S ILLEGAL."
I SAID, "ILLEGAL SO IS NOT PAYING TAXES ON THAT ALL-CASH LIQUOR STORE WE GOT
GOING ON, BUT -- [ LAUGHTER ] I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T.
WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, SHE SAYS "NIMESH, THE STORES IN YOUR NAME.
YOU DON'T PAY TAXES. [ LAUGHTER ] SNITCHING ON MYSELF.
AND THEN, SHE SAID, "NIMESH, YOU NEED TO QUIT YOU HAVE ASTHMA.
I SAID, "MOM, I READ WHEN I WAS HIGH THAT WEED IS A BRONCHODILATOR."
AND SHE GOES, "OH. SO NOW YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR HM, THAT'S CUTE.
[ LAUGHTER ] SPEAKING OF WHICH -- SPEAKING OF WHICH
CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE THAT AMERICANS DESERVE HEALTHCARE CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE
AMERICANS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU DON'T?
ME NEITHER [ LAUGHTER ] I THINK WE NEED IT
BUT I DON'T THINK WE DESERVE IT I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE
HEALTHCARE A FEW YEARS AGO, I DISCOVERED EXACTLY HOW MUCH WEED I NEED TO
SMOKE TO HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK I HAD AN ASTHMA ATTACK [ LAUGHTER ]
I WENT TO A KANYE WEST CONCERT BACK WHEN IT WAS OKAY TO DO. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SMOKED FOUR JOINTS IN AN HOUR AND THEN HIS SONG "I AM A GOD"
CAME ON. AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M NOT, KANYE.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL." [ LAUGHTER ] AND I CALLED AN UBER TO THE
HOSPITAL BECAUSE AN AMBULANCE IS $600. AND I'M NOT GOING TO DIE A
A SUCKER, YOU KNOW GET TO THE HOSPITAL. NYU LANGONE IN COBBLE HILL,
BROOKLYN AND NOW I HAVE ASTHMA, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I NEED
"DOCTOR, I'M HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK." "YOU'RE HAVING AN ASTHMA
ATTACK." "I NEED ALBUTEROL NEBULIZER. "YOU NEED ALBUTEROL NEBULIZER.
I'M LIKE, IS THIS SELF CHECK-OUT? WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
[ LAUGHTER ] JUST GIVE ME MY MEDICINE HE'S LIKE, "YOU'LL BE FINE."
THEN HE SHUFFLES AWAY IN HIS FERRAGAMO LOAFERS. AND THEN IN COMES A NURSE WHO
HAS A MENU OF ALL THE OTHER STUFF I COULD GET SINCE I STOPPED IN THAT CASA DE NYU.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] BLOOD WORK EKG.
THE CHEF RECOMMENDED X-RAYS. BUT I DON'T PRESENT AS A A 30-YEAR-OLD INDIAN MAN HAVING
A HEART ATTACK WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS RUNNING UP THE INSURANCE TAB
BECAUSE INSURANCE WILL JUST PAY WHATEVER THE HOSPITAL SAYS WHATEVER THEY DON'T PAY, THEY
PASS ON TO YOU BUT, LUCKILY, I SAID THE MAGIC WORDS.
I SAID, "I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS LADY THREW AN INHALER AT ME [ LAUGHTER ]
AND WAS LIKE, "GET OUT YOU WHEEZY, BROKE LOSER. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
YOU'RE CLAPPING FOR POOR HEALTHCARE THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT
[ LAUGHTER ] IN AND OUT IN AN HOUR AND A HALF
TWO WEEKS LATER, GET THE BILL. $6,000 YEAH
I HAD ANOTHER ASTHMA ATTACK. [ LAUGHTER ] [ WHEEZING ]
$6,000 FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AND NOT A SINGLE ORGASM. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT LUCKILY, I WAS RAISED BY INDIAN PEOPLE WHO TAUGHT ME THAT THE PRICE IS NEVER THE
PRICE UNTIL YOU TALK ABOUT THE PRICE. I CALLED THE HOSPITAL.
I SAID, "LISTEN, I'M NOT GIVING YOU $6,000." THEY SAID, "WHY NOT?
I SAID, "WELL, FOR ONE, YOU ALREADY GAVE ME THE MEDICINE TWO, I DON'T HAVE $6,000."
NOW I HAD $6,000 BUT I ALSO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM.
I KNOW THAT IF YOU GET SICK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR LIKE I DID, EVERY HOSPITAL HAS THIS
GIANT POOL OF MONEY THEY HAVE TO GIVE AWAY FOR FREE CARE IN ORDER TO STAY NON-PROFIT
SIDEBAR, IF YOU GET SICK AND HAVE TO GO TO HOSPITAL IN LIKE DECEMBER, JUST HOLD ON, OKAY
[ LAUGHTER ] JUST HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M
TALKING TO THEM. "LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE $6,000 I CAN'T GIVE YOU $6,000.
I DON'T HAVE $6,000. THEY LITERALLY SAID, "HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?
[ LAUGHTER ] DID I CALL THE MOB "I GOT NOTHING
YOU CAN BREAK MY KNEES IF YOU WANT I'M NOT GIVING YOU $6,000.
THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MR. PATEL, NO NEED TO BE UPSET LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T HAVE
$6,000, YOU DON'T OWE US $6,000 BUT IF YOU HAVE $6,000, AND
YOU'RE NOT PAYING IT, YOU MIGHT BE TAKING $6,000 OUT OF THE POCKET OF SOMEONE WHO TRULY
CAN'T PAY. I SAID, "DON'T HATE THE PLAYER HATE THE GAME.
CLICK. [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH
I MEAN THAT. THANKS *
>> Jimmy: COME ON. NIMESH PATEL [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"THANK YOU CHINA" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE MY THANKS TO ADAM SANDLER,
BEN FALCONE, NIMESH PATEL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE,
FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY