1 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,812 >> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART 2 00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:20,353 OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON." 3 00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:23,223 TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - ADAM SANDLER, BEN FALCONE, 4 00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:32,365 COMEDIAN NIMESH PATEL. AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW 5 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:40,874 >> Questlove: 1664 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON 6 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:40,907 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON 7 00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:53,486 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 8 00:00:53,486 --> 00:01:04,397 * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. 9 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:08,868 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT -- I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU 10 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:11,137 I SEE YOU. WELCOME, EVERYBODY WELCOME. 11 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:14,774 WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE WATCHING. 12 00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:18,812 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG SHOW TONIGHT LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS 13 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:22,615 FIRST, YOU GUYS, THIS WEEKEND WAS QUEEN ELIZABETH'S PLATINUM JUBILEE. 14 00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:24,851 THAT'S RIGHT BRITAIN MARKED THE QUEEN'S 70-YEAR REIGN WITH FOUR DAYS OF 15 00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:30,690 PARADES, PARTIES, AND CELEBRATIONS YEAH, FOUR DAYS. 16 00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,525 BASICALLY, THE QUEEN IS LIKE YOUR ANNOYING FRIEND WHO INSISTS ON CELEBRATING THEIR 17 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:36,463 BIRTHDAY MONTH [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, THE QUEEN CELEBRATED 18 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:39,833 70 YEARS OF SITTING ON THE THRONE WHEN HE HEARD, YOUR UNCLE WHO 19 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:43,870 DOES "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE SAID, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. 20 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,840 [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS A STAR-STUDDED EVENT WITH PERFORMANCES FROM 21 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,543 ELTON JOHN, ROD STEWART, AND ED SHEERAN YEAH, WHEN ED FIRST WALKED OUT, 22 00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:55,482 THE QUEEN WAS LIKE, "OH, HARRY, YOU'RE BACK. [ LAUGHTER ] 23 00:01:55,482 --> 00:02:05,692 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ED SHEERAN MEANWHILE, PRINCE ANDREW DID 24 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:12,432 NOT ATTEND ANY FESTIVITIES DUE TO A POSITIVE COVID TEST [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 25 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:17,704 ANDREW WAS LIKE, "IT'S WEIRD I KEEP TESTING POSITIVE RIGHT BEFORE EVERY PUBLIC EVENT. 26 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:20,373 [ LAUGHTER ] CAN YOU IMAGINE THE ODDS?" YEP, THE QUEEN MADE SEVERAL 27 00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:24,711 APPEARANCES THIS WEEKEND AND AT ONE POINT, SHE SHOWED UP AS HER YOUNGER SELF IN THE FORM 28 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:28,081 OF A HOLOGRAM. THIS IS REAL CHECK THIS OUT 29 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:28,081 THIS IS REAL CHECK THIS OUT 30 00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:38,191 >> Jimmy: YEAH IT GOT CONFUSING WHEN THERE WAS 31 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:44,698 A GLITCH AND TUPAC STARTED WAVING TO THE CROWD. [ LAUGHTER ] 32 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,100 BUT THE CARRIAGE RIDE WASN'T QUEEN ELIZABETH'S ONLY SURPRISE APPEARANCE 33 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,570 SHE ALSO STARRED IN A SHORT FILM HAVING TEA WITH PADDINGTON BEAR 34 00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:52,605 IT'S REALLY CUTE IT'S REAL. TAKE A LOOK. 35 00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:52,639 IT'S REAL. TAKE A LOOK. 36 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:56,643 >> PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE A MARMALADE SANDWICH 37 00:02:56,643 --> 00:03:01,514 I ALWAYS KEEP ONE FOR EMERGENCIES. >> SO DO I 38 00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:07,687 I KEEP MINE IN HERE. >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT. COME ON. 39 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,757 SHE'S THE BEST IT'S SO FUN. IT WENT MUCH BETTER THAN 40 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,792 PADDINGTON'S MEETING WITH ANOTHER WORLD LEADER WATCH THIS 41 00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:12,826 ANOTHER WORLD LEADER WATCH THIS 42 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:17,230 [ LAUGHTER ] BUT I'D PREFER IT IF YOU TOOK 43 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:25,538 THE FIRST BITE >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, VERY SMART. 44 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:33,146 VERY SMART, PADDINGTON I WOULDN'T [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 45 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,081 YEAH, IT WAS A FOUR-DAY EVENT HONORING THE QUEEN, BUT IT WAS FOUR-YEAR- OLD PRINCE LOUIS WHO 46 00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:39,686 STOLE THE SHOW HERE HE IS AT YESTERDAY'S PAGEANT PARADE 47 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:40,687 PAGEANT PARADE LOOK AT THIS 48 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:45,859 [ LAUGHTER ] 49 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:51,698 >> Steve: OH, MY GOD * >> Jimmy: AFTER 20 MINUTES, 50 00:03:51,698 --> 00:04:03,209 KATE WAS JUST LIKE, "JUST HAND HIM THE ROYAL iPAD, PLEASE [ LAUGHTER ] 51 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:08,515 NOW WHEN KATE SAYS, "YEAH, HE'S A REAL PRINCE," PEOPLE KNOW SHE'S BEING SARCASTIC. 52 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:11,618 [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT, PRINCE LOUIS' ANTICS WERE GOING VIRAL ALL 53 00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:16,790 WEEKEND. HERE'S ONE PHOTO HERE. LOOKS LIKE HE'S GATHERING HIS 54 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:21,361 STRENGTH FOR AN 8:00 A.M. ZOOM MEETING. [ LAUGHTER ] 55 00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:24,597 HERE'S PRINCE LOUIS NEXT TO THE QUEEN. YEAH 56 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,434 [ LAUGHTER ] THAT WAS ACTUALLY AFTER SHE STARTED TELLING HIM "TOP GUN" 57 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,936 SPOILERS AND HE'S LIKE, "DON'T SAY GOOSE, DON'T SAY GOOSE." 58 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:34,074 AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S THIS ONE HERE THAT'S -- THAT'S HIM PRETENDING 59 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:38,778 HE'S A PASSENGER ON SPIRIT AIRLINES THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. 60 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:43,083 [ LAUGHTER ] SWITCHING GEARS, THERE ARE RUMORS SWIRLING AROUND THE 61 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:49,255 VATICAN THAT POPE FRANCIS MIGHT SOON ANNOUNCE HIS RETIREMENT WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'S GOING TO 62 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:54,127 DO NEXT, THE POPE SAID, "GREETER DE WALMART. [ LAUGHTER ] 63 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,895 YEAH, AT HIS AGE, POPE FRANCIS SAID THAT HE COULD EITHER RETIRE OR BECOME QUARTERBACK OF 64 00:04:55,895 --> 00:05:02,369 THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS THAT'S INTERESTING [ LAUGHTER ] 65 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,738 YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT THIS THE NEW HEAD OF CNN SAID THAT THE NETWORK IS GOING TO STOP 66 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:09,776 USING THE BREAKING NEWS BANNER THEY SAID THEY USE IT TOO MUCH HE'S GOT A POINT 67 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:12,178 THEY DO USE IT QUITE A BIT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE STORIES 68 00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:15,949 THEY CLASSIFIED AS BREAKING NEWS TODAY FIRST, THERE WAS THIS. 69 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:23,656 "POLL SAYS 54% OF AMERICANS DO SOMETHING THE OTHER 46% DON'T. [ LAUGHTER ] 70 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:27,694 >> Steve: BREAKING NEWS? >> Jimmy: THAT'S BREAKING NEWS >> Steve: YEAH 71 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,796 >> Jimmy: THERE WAS ALSO THIS STORY HERE "YOU KNOW THAT CELEBRITY WHO 72 00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:31,131 WAS DATING THAT OTHER CELEBRITY? WELL, NOW SHE'S DATING A 73 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,600 A DIFFERENT CELEBRITY. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU GO, "THESE AREN'T 74 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,368 BREAKING --" AND FINALLY, THIS ONE SAYS, "GLENN HOLDING STEADY AT 547th 75 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:39,606 MOST POPULAR BABY NAME." BREAKING NEWS. >> Steve: BREAKING NEWS. 76 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,876 >> Jimmy: BREAKING NEWS, GLENN WITH TWO Ns. THAT'S RIGHT, CNN IS TRYING TO 77 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:47,080 TONE THINGS DOWN WITH THEIR BREAKING NEWS GRAPHICS MEANWHILE, MSNBC IS GOING IN 78 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,484 THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION YEP. CHECK OUT WHAT I SAW THIS 79 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,921 MORNING. WATCH THEIR BREAKING NEWS ALERT ON MSNBC 80 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:54,954 WATCH THEIR BREAKING NEWS ALERT ON MSNBC 81 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,892 [ EXPLOSIONS ] >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M 82 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,161 SAYING >> Steve: WOW. [ LAUGHTER ] 83 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:04,197 >> Jimmy: IT'S THE OPPOSITE. >> Steve: IT GETS YOUR ATTENTION. 84 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,733 >> Jimmy: I WAS NERVOUS. IT WAS JUST THAT GLENN WAS THE 547th MOST POPULAR BABY NAME 85 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:13,440 >> Steve: THAT'S BREAKING NEWS BITCHES. [ LAUGHTER ] 86 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,675 >> Jimmy: LISTEN TO THIS, GUYS APPLE JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE THAT WILL ALLOW PEOPLE 87 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:21,848 TO EDIT AND UNSEND MESSAGES. [ AUDIENCE OOHS WHEN THEY HEARD, APPLE USERS 88 00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:24,351 WERE LIKE, "FINALLY. WHAT THE DUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG?" 89 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:28,054 YOU KNOW [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, YOU CAN NOW UNSEND 90 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,491 MESSAGES NOW EVERYONE GETS TO PLAY THAT FUN GAME, "DID THEY SEE IT 91 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:34,594 BEFORE I DELETED IT? YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] 92 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:37,097 WELL, HEY, GET THIS. ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, THE ACTORS WHOSE NAMES WE 93 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:44,204 MISPRONOUNCE THE MOST ARE SAOIRSE RONAN, JOAQUIN PHOENIX, AND EWAN McGREGOR 94 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,339 >> Steve: COME ON, THOSE ARE EASY I'VE NEVER MISPRONOUNCED ANY 95 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:51,945 ACTOR'S NAMES. IT'S MY JOB, YOU KNOW. GO AHEAD, TRY ME 96 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,713 >> Jimmy: YOU WANT ME TO TEST YOU ON HOW TO PRONOUNCE ACTOR'S NAMES. 97 00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:56,683 >> Steve: MM-HM. >> Jimmy: OKAY WELL, WE'LL START OUT SIMPLE 98 00:06:56,683 --> 00:07:02,389 WHO'S THIS NEXT TO YOU >> Steve: OH, THAT'S EASY. SAMUEL LaJACKSON 99 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:08,028 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY WHO'S THIS 100 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:11,264 >> Steve: ROBOT DINER. [ LAUGHTER ] COME ON, GIVE ME SOME HARD 101 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,767 ONES, MAN. >> Jimmy: YOU WANT RAPID - >> Steve: RAPID FIRE ME. 102 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,169 >> Jimmy: YOU WANT RAPID FIRE? >> Steve: FIRE AWAY, MAN >> Jimmy: I'M NOT SURE THIS IS 103 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,238 A GREAT IDEA, BUT -- >> Steve: I'M READY. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. 104 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:21,608 HERE WE GO LET'S JUST START ROLLING WHO'S THIS 105 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,511 >> Steve: EASY CATE BLANKET >> Jimmy: NO 106 00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,646 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: EIGHTEEN BANANAS >> Jimmy: HM-MM. 107 00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,581 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: FRENCH FRIES McDONALD. 108 00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,283 >> Jimmy: NO [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: BATMAN RIDDLER 109 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,052 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] LEGGO MY EGGO. PENN AND TELLER. 110 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,054 OH, THAT'S BEEN EATIN' DEL TACO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. 111 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,123 ITCHY DANDRUFF TENNIS ELBOW SHINING TAINT. 112 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:44,531 HE'LL WANT TO BONE IN THE CAR? [ LAUGHTER ] OH, I LOVE THIS GUY. 113 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,334 LOVE THIS GUY. COLON BIRTH. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S 114 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,702 VERY GOOD. OKAY, HIG -- STEVE HIGGINS, EVERYBODY. 115 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,270 VERY TALENTED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 116 00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:54,774 VERY TALENTED. >> Steve: GLENN. >> HEY, GUYS, I READ ABOUT A 117 00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:56,609 A THEME PARK IN PENNSYLVANIA WHERE A RIDE MALFUNCTIONED AND LEFT PASSENGERS STUCK 118 00:07:56,609 --> 00:08:02,549 UPSIDE-DOWN. [ AUDIENCE OHS ] THEY COULDN'T FIX IT, SO THEY 119 00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:07,620 JUST SAID THE THEME OF THE RIDE WAS "STRANGER THINGS." [ LAUGHTER ] 120 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,789 THIS WENT VIRAL. TWO WOMEN IN ENGLAND WERE RELAXING ON AN OVERSIZED CHAIR, 121 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:13,026 AND THEY REALIZED THAT THEY COULDN'T GET OUT WATCH THIS 122 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:13,059 COULDN'T GET OUT WATCH THIS 123 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:22,168 >> JESUS CHRIST! JES -- 124 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:29,843 USE YOUR CRUTCH, SUE USE YOUR CRUTCH. USE YOUR CRUTCH. 125 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,112 JESUS, SUE GIVE HER YOUR CRUTCH USE YOUR CRUTCH. 126 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,180 [ LAUGHTER ] USE YOUR CRUTCH. >> Jimmy: IN ALL FAIRNESS TO 127 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,749 SUE, IT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE SHE'S USING HER CRUTCH AS HARD AS SHE CAN 128 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,684 [ LAUGHTER ] FAKE FRIENDS HELP YOU OUT OF A A CHAIR. 129 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,652 REAL FRIENDS FILM YOU, LAUGH, AND THEN POST THE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET 130 00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:43,289 ANYWAY, THEY LIVE THERE NOW. [ LAUGHTER ] FINALLY, IT IS TIME FOR "GOOD 131 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:49,062 NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY. 132 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:54,200 * GOOD NAME BAD NAME GREAT NAME 133 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,069 YES * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: FIRST UP WE HAVE, 134 00:08:56,069 --> 00:09:01,474 "ABOUT DAMN TIME." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A NEW SONG BY LIZZO. 135 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,377 IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A FUNERAL PARLOR IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR A STORE 136 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:11,718 THAT SELLS ENGAGEMENT RINGS. THERE YOU GO [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 137 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,821 AFTER THAT, WE'VE GOT, "BUZZFEED. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A 138 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:19,025 A NEWS SITE. THAT'S A BAD NAME FOR A HAIR SALON. 139 00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:22,062 IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR A 3:00 A.M. DRIVE-THRU LINE AT TACO BELL. 140 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:28,335 [ APPLAUSE ] NEXT, THERE'S, "THE STAIRCASE. WELL, THAT IS A GOOD NAME FOR 141 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:33,506 AN HBO SHOW. IT'S A BAD NAME FOR AN AIRBNB. IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR 142 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,444 A COURTROOM DRAMA ABOUT A SLINKY OH, INTERESTING. 143 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:41,648 [ APPLAUSE ] >> Steve: ALONE OR IN PAIRS? >> Jimmy: HE WAS PUSHED. 144 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:45,418 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: AFTER THAT, THERE'S "BREAK FREE. 145 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:49,756 WELL, THAT'S GOOD NAME FOR A A SONG BY ARIANA GRANDE. A BAD NAME FOR A PRISON. 146 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:54,094 GREAT NAME FOR TAKING OFF YOUR SPANX AFTER A WEDDING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 147 00:09:54,094 --> 00:10:01,101 [ POPPING SOUND AND FINALLY, WE HAVE, "AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH." 148 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:04,304 WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A A SONG THAT IS A BAD NAME FOR A PILOT 149 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:10,710 SCHOOL IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR TRYING TO GET SERVICE WHEN YOU HAVE AT&T 150 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:13,947 THERE YOU GO, THAT IS "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT 151 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:21,054 ADAM SANDLER IS HERE, TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BEN FALCONE IS ON THE SHOW 152 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:25,992 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND WE'VE GOT GREAT STANDUP COMEDY FROM NIMESH PATEL 153 00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:29,629 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 154 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,531 ADAM SANDLER, EVERYBODY. COME ON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 155 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:37,570 * >> Jimmy: WELL, I HAVE A VIDEO THAT SOMEONE SHOT OF YOU 156 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:41,741 DOING -- DOING SOMETHING SPECTACULAR. TAKE A LOOK OF ADAM SANDLER 157 00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:44,544 MAKING A BALCONY SHOT. >> OKAY, YES YES. 158 00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:45,245 YES. >> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS THING 159 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:51,418 YOU ARE WATCHING BALCONY BALL. 160 00:10:51,418 --> 00:11:08,868 [ RIM CLANKING ] >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 161 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:14,974 WE HAVE SOME FUN NEWS. LAST NIGHT WAS THE MTV MUSIC AND TV AWARDS AND "THE TONIGHT 162 00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:19,212 SHOW" WAS VOTED BEST TALK SHOW, SO I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH 163 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:22,982 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THIS IS ALL VOTED ON BY THE FANS, SO IT'S EXTRA SPECIAL TO 164 00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:26,886 US YOU ARE WHY WE DO THIS SHOW EVERY NIGHT. 165 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:31,091 SO THANK YOU TO ALL MY FANS OUT THERE AND THANK YOU TO MTV YOU KNOW, THAT WAS PRETTY COOL 166 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:34,094 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT WEEK OF SHOWS AHEAD. 167 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,930 MELISSA McCARTHY WILL BE HERE THIS WEEK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 168 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:40,900 SUPER FUNNY. LOVE HER DEMI LOVATO WILL BE HERE 169 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:45,138 BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD WILL BE HERE AND WE HAVE MUSIC PERFORMANCES 170 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:50,410 FROM MIRANDA LAMBERT, MARCUS KING, AND CHRIS MARTIN FROM COLD PLAY 171 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:54,347 HE'S GOT A NEW BAND, THE WEIRDOS. BUT FIRST, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE 172 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:58,218 TONIGHT. HE CREATED AND STARS IN THE NEW SHOW, "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT," 173 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:04,257 WHICH BEGINS STREAMING ON NETFLIX JUNE 15th. BEN FALCONE IS HERE TONIGHT. 174 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:09,696 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ LAUGHTER ] "FAVORITE IDIOT. 175 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:14,901 AND HE HAS A NEW COMEDY SPECIAL CALLED "THANK YOU CHINA," AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE 176 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,104 WE HAVE STANDUP FROM NIMESH PATEL, IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. 177 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:24,678 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "THANK YOU CHINA." BUT OUR FIRST GUEST IS ONE OF 178 00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:27,914 OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITES HE IS A FIVE-TIME EMMY AND THREE-TIME GRAMMY NOMINEE 179 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,849 STARRING IN THE NEW FILM, "HUSTLE," WHICH IS IN THEATERS NOW AND ON NETFLIX THIS 180 00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:35,689 WEDNESDAY. PLEASE WELCOME OUR PAL, THE ONE AND ONLY ADAM SANDLER. 181 00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:35,722 PLEASE WELCOME OUR PAL, THE ONE AND ONLY ADAM SANDLER. 182 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:53,106 * * 183 00:12:53,106 --> 00:13:03,049 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> YOU GOTTA DO THE HUSTLE >> Jimmy: YOU GOTTA -- YOU 184 00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,951 HAVE -- >> IF YOU DON'T DO THE HUSTLE, WHO ARE YOU? 185 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,354 >> Jimmy: YOU GOTTA DO THE HUSTLE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 186 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:11,691 IT'S ADAM SANDLER. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. >> I'M HAPPY TO SEE EVERYBODY. 187 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,226 EVERYBODY LOOKS VERY NICE. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC >> Jimmy: OH, COME ON, BUDDY 188 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,061 YOU LOOK GREAT TOO IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON 189 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:17,063 >> Jimmy: I NOTICED SOMETHING GOING ON IN YOUR EYE, BUDDY. >> I HAD AN ACCIDENT, 190 00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:20,367 EVERYBODY. EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, BUT I WISH IT WAS A GOOD STORY 191 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:24,404 IT'S PATHETIC. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS, JIMMY, 192 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,340 I'M IN MY BED. >> Jimmy: UH-HUH [ LAUGHTER ] 193 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:31,411 OH, MY GOD >> AND SO -- >> Jimmy: WOW. 194 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:37,083 >> SO I -- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M IN MY BED. IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING 195 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,386 AND SOMEBODY MADE THE BED. YOU KNOW WHEN THEY MAKE THE BED AND THEY TUCK IN THE BOTTOM 196 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,589 PART OF THE BED? [ LAUGHTER ] SO -- SO I'M IN THE BED, I'M 197 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:46,760 KIND OF LIKE, "IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING. I FORGOT TO UNTUCK IT. 198 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,728 I'M GOING, "WHY IS IT SO UNCOMFORTABLE? AND I'M FEELING SQUISHED AND I 199 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,697 HAVE MY PHONE IS HERE NEXT TO ME IN THE BED. I ALWAYS BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP 200 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:57,837 CHECK OUT MY NET WORTH ON THE PHONE, YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ] 201 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,907 >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, YEAH AS ONE -- AS ONE DOES. YEAH, OF COURSE. 202 00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:03,443 >> YOU HAVE -- YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT HOW LIFE IS AND ALL THAT 203 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:08,048 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU GOT TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE WORTH. >> SO, ANYWAY, I FOR REAL, 204 00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,316 STARTED GETTING PANICKY AND I KICKED MY LEGS SO I -- IT'S LIKE, "GOD, DAMN 205 00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:12,686 IT." THAT'S -- HAD BROOM AND A PHONE FLY THROUGH THE AIR AND HITS ME 206 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:21,594 IN THE FACE, SO AT -- [ LAUGHTER ] [ SAD TUBA ] 207 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:24,464 SO FUNNY ANYWAYS, I WAS BLEEDING TERRIBLY 208 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,966 I MEAN, I THOUGHT IT WAS PITCH BLACK IN THE ROOM, AND I FEEL -- AND I FEEL WETNESS 209 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:32,539 AND I GO, "YES, I'M -- I TRICKED MYSELF." I GO, "THIS IS PROBABLY JUST 210 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:36,876 THICK TEARS. [ LAUGHTER ] I REALLY WAS SO TIRED. 211 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,145 >> Jimmy: CRY SOMETIMES WHEN YOU SLEEP? [ LAUGHTER ] 212 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,748 >> I WAS HAVING A SAD DREAM. [ LAUGHTER ] I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP, YOU 213 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:47,387 KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS TIRED. AND I WAS LIKE, "AH, WE'LL FIX THAT LATER." 214 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,222 SO, I SLEPT. AND THEN I THINK I TOOK A PILLOW AND PUT IT ON IT TO 215 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:53,827 STOP THE BLEEDING. AND THEN WHEN I WOKE UP, IT WAS HORRIBLE 216 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:57,163 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER IT WAS GUSHING STILL AND -- 217 00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,532 >> Jimmy: BLOOD ALL OVER THE BED. >> THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE BED 218 00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,268 AND ALL THAT STUFF AND THEN, SO I WENT TO THE - I SAID, "I'VE GOT TO GET THIS 219 00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:07,907 FIXED," SO I WENT TO THE APPLE STORE. [ LAUGHTER ] 220 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,043 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU GOT TO GET -- YEAH, MAKE SURE THAT WORKED AND 221 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,846 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH HOW IS IT WITH FAM 222 00:15:12,846 --> 00:15:17,050 I KNOW YOU HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. >> AS DO YOU 223 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,252 I SAW THE PICTURES OF THE KIDS THEY LOOK INCREDIBLE >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, BUDDY 224 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,054 YEAH >> GORGEOUS. YEP. 225 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:22,622 >> Jimmy: HOW OLD ARE YOUR KIDS NOW? >> 13 AND 16 226 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:27,794 SO THEY HAD A BAT MITZVAH AND A SWEET 16 ON THE SAME WEEKEND THAT WAS A BIG DEAL, RIGHT 227 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:30,463 BAT MITZVAH -- [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S A LOT OF 228 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:34,534 PARTY. >> IT WAS A BIG PARTY. IT WAS SUCH A GIANT PARTY WE 229 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,636 THREW FOR THEM, ME AND MY WIFE THAT I LITERALLY HAD TO SIGN A A NEW 10-PICTURE DEAL WITH 230 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:41,808 NETFLIX TO PAY FOR IT. [ LAUGHTER ] I NEED HELP, MAN 231 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,910 >> Jimmy: BUT I HEARD THAT THIS IS THE ONE -- >> YEAH, YEAH. 232 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,845 >> Jimmy: CHARLIE PUTH AND HALSEY WAS AT AND PERFORMED? COME ON. 233 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,214 >> YEAH, YEAH. YES, THEY WERE AWESOME THEY WERE GREAT. 234 00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,717 >> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD DAD. >> A GOOD AMOUNT OF PEOPLE >> Jimmy: GOOD MOM. 235 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:54,387 >> YES, YES. ACTUALLY, THEY - THE KIDS HAD THE GREATEST TIME 236 00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,890 AND HALSEY AND CHARLIE PUTH WERE GREAT TO THEM ALL AND INCLUDED THEM. 237 00:15:56,890 --> 00:16:01,061 AND THE KIDS SANG WITH THEM. AND THEY JUST DO IT BEAUTIFUL. BUT WHAT IT KIND OF WARPED 238 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:05,865 THEIR HEADS A LITTLE BIT THINKING LIKE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AT BAT MITZVAHS. 239 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:11,171 [ LAUGHTER ] AND, LIKE, THEY WENT TO A BAT MITZVAH A COUPLE WEEKS LATER 240 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,540 AND ONE OF MY DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS. I SAID, "HOW WAS THE BAT 241 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,775 MITZVAH? ONE OF MY DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS SAID, "OH, IT WAS LAME 242 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,044 YOU KNOW, THEY DIDN'T HAVE NO - THE KID'S GRANDMOTHER SANG 243 00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:24,451 KARAOKE. [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S -- 244 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,119 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> "YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY NICE." 245 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,922 YOU KNOW AND IT WAS ACTUALLY BARBRA STREISAND TOO 246 00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:31,591 IT WAS -- [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, WOW. 247 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,394 YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] 248 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:40,266 YOU SENT OVER -- YOU SENT OVER A PHOTO -- >> YES 249 00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:43,069 >> Jimmy: -- I THINK THIS IS VERY SWEET >> NOW THIS IS INCREDIBLE. 250 00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,873 >> Jimmy: TELL US ABOUT THIS THIS IS YOUR -- >> THAT'S MY WIFE'S GRANDMA. 251 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,209 [ AUDIENCE OOHS 106 YEARS OLD YESTERDAY. AND SHE'S AWESOME. 252 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:55,081 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: THAT'S AMAZING 253 00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:57,384 >> SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, NICE LADY. ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD, AND JUST 254 00:16:57,384 --> 00:17:01,254 A GOOD, GOOD LADY. AND I LOVE HER AND THE WHOLE FAMILY LOVES HER 255 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,757 >> Jimmy: WOW, WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE >> SHE'S POINTING -- 256 00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:05,558 YOU SEE THAT SHE'S POINTING IN THAT SHOT? SHE'S POINTING AT ME SAYING, 257 00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:10,897 "YOU'LL NEVER LIVE THIS LONG." [ LAUGHTER ] NO, NO 258 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,299 SO, I DO LOVE HER VERY MUCH. WE ALL WENT TO SEE HER IN FLORIDA AND THEN BOUGHT HER 259 00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:21,107 A CAKE AND PUT 106 CANDLES ON THE CAKE FOR HER AND JUST TO MAKE IT FUN, I -- 260 00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:25,178 THE CANDLE WAS THE GWYNETH PALTROW VAGINA CANDLES [ LAUGHTER ] 261 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:30,917 SO, YOU KNOW, THE SMELL LIKE THE VAGINA CANDLES >> Jimmy: UH-HUH 262 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:43,063 >> SO WE PUT THEM ON THE CAKE. >> Jimmy: UH-HUH [ LAUGHTER ] 263 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:48,968 >> HANG ON THERE'S MORE, THERE'S MORE [ LAUGHTER ] 264 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,770 AND SO, GRANDMA BLOWS VERY HARD >> Jimmy: OH, OKAY 265 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,305 [ LAUGHTER ] >> AND A LOT OF SMOKE IN THE ROOM 266 00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,607 >> Jimmy: YEAH >> YOU KNOW? SO SHE JUST PUT A LOT OF PIZAZZ 267 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,242 INTO THE BLOW TO GET ALL 106 VAGINA CANDLES OUT AND THEN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM 268 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,744 WAS PREGNANT >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO THAT'S A GREAT PARTY 269 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,145 UNBELIEVABLE [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, YEAH. 270 00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:00,880 >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FANTASTIC MOVIE, "HUSTLE. >> THANK YOU 271 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,083 >> Jimmy: CONGRATS, BUD. I LOVED IT >> THANK YOU 272 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,751 >> Jimmy: THIS MOVIE IS -- IT'S SET IN THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL. 273 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,419 >> YES >> Jimmy: I KNOW YOU LOVE BASKETBALL 274 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,854 >> YES >> Jimmy: AND LeBRON JAMES CALLS YOU UP AND SAYS, "ADAM, 275 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:14,260 WE SHOULD DO THIS. I WANT TO PRODUCE THIS MOVIE WITH YOU." 276 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,062 >> THEY -- HIS COMPANY, LeBRON'S COMPANY, AND JOE ROTH, THEY HAD THIS GREAT SCRIPT 277 00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,831 AND IT WAS ABOUT A SCOUT DISCOVERING SOMEONE OVERSEAS, BRINGING HIM INTO THE NBA AND 278 00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:20,033 IT WAS AWESOME AND I GOT TO KNOW LeBRON A A LITTLE BIT AND I ASKED HIM - 279 00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:24,604 I DO PLAY A LOT OF HOOPS, SO I WANTED TO GET A QUICK TIP. AND I SAID, "ANYTHING YOU 280 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:31,611 SUGGEST TO FIX MY GAME?" AND HE GOES, "YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY -- IT'S VERY SIMPLE 281 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:38,885 YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GET A FULL BODY TRANSPLANT." [ LAUGHTER ] 282 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,421 SO, YEAH, I'M GOING TO DO THAT >> Jimmy: THAT'S INTERESTING WELL, I HAVE A VIDEO THAT 283 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,490 SOMEONE SHOT OF YOU DOING SOMETHING SPECTACULAR. TAKE A LOOK AT ADAM SANDLER 284 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,893 MAKING A BALCONY SHOT. >> OH, OKAY. YES, YES 285 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:47,827 YES, YES >> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS 286 00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:50,530 >> MY NAME IS ADAM SANDLER AND 287 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:58,471 YOU ARE WATCHING BALCONY BALL. [ SWISH OH 288 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:04,077 * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: CARRY YOU. 289 00:19:04,077 --> 00:19:05,912 I WANT TO CARRY YOU AROUND LIKE RUDY >> YEAH. 290 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,281 >> Jimmy: I WANT TO CARRY YOU AROUND LIKE RUDY THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 291 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,183 >> YOU CAN'T WITH ME, NOW. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I CAN. I WANT TO TALK MORE ABOUT 292 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,752 "HUSTLE" AND SHOW A CLIP WHEN WE COME BACK MORE WITH ADAM SANDLER, 293 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,821 EVERYBODY. THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT * 294 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:46,152 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 295 00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:50,323 WE'RE HANGING WITH OUR PAL, ADAM SANDLER, WHO STARS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 296 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:54,361 >> THAT WAS NICE OF YOU. GET THEM RILED UP AGAIN. >> Jimmy: NO, COME ON. 297 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,496 "HUSTLE. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. LET'S TALK ABOUT "HUSTLE." 298 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:58,331 >> RIGHT >> Jimmy: CONGRATS IT'S GETTING GREAT REVIEWS 299 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:02,369 I LOVE IT BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST LIKE, TO ME, IT'S ALMOST LIKE "ROCKY" FOR BASKETBALL 300 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:06,406 >> YES IN PHILLY. WE SHOT IN PHILLY. 301 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:09,409 MY HEART'S OUT TO PHILLY THE TRAGEDY YESTERDAY. IT'S TERRIBLE WITH THE 302 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,177 SHOOTING >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND LOVE TO EVERYONE IN 303 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:14,981 PHILLY BUT YES, WE HAD A GREAT TIME IN PHILADELPHIA 304 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,884 YOU GUYS KNOW IT >> Jimmy: THE ROOTS KNOW EXACTLY. 305 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,719 THE ROOTS ARE IN -- THEY'RE IN THE SOUNDTRACK >> THE ROOTS -- WE GOT A GREAT 306 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,187 TUNE OF THE ROOTS AND THEY GOT A LOT OF GOOD FILL-IN MUSIC IN THERE. 307 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:23,056 AND THEY WERE SO NICE TO US WHILE WE WERE SHOOTING AND THEY JUST TREATED US LIKE FAMILY, 308 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,725 EVERYBODY THERE. SO, THANK YOU TO PHILLY. AND WE ALSO SHOT IN SPAIN. 309 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,496 WE WENT TO SPAIN BECAUSE I DISCOVER THIS KID IN SPAIN AND BRING HIM BACK TO, YOU KNOW, 310 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:36,503 PHILLY TO TRY TO GET HIM INTO THE NBA. BUT I WAS TELLING JIMMY WHEN I 311 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:42,075 WENT THERE, I'M SWIMMING IN THE MEDITERRANEAN, RIGHT IT'S VERY SALTY, THE SEA OVER 312 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:53,453 THERE. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THE MEDITERRANEAN HAS A LOT OF 313 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:57,057 SALT SO, YOU FLOAT. YOU FLOAT. 314 00:20:57,057 --> 00:20:59,859 YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO TREAD WATER. YOU JUST FLOAT 315 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:02,362 SO, I'M FLOATING AROUND, HAVING A FUN TIME FLOATING. SANDMAN JUST FLOATING AROUND 316 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:06,166 >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] >> I LOOK UP AND I SEE A BEACH 317 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:11,071 AND I SAID, "FLOATING CLOSER TO THE BEACH. EVERYBODY IS NUDE. 318 00:21:11,071 --> 00:21:13,606 THEY'RE ALL FEELING GREAT ABOUT THEMSELVES BEING NUDE. AND NO ONE EVEN CARES. 319 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:18,511 THERE'S OLDER PEOPLE NUDE. YOUNG, GOOD PEOPLE WHO LOOK GOOD, PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK SO 320 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:22,549 GOOD, NUDE EVERYONE IS NUDE >> Jimmy: EVERYONE IS NUDE 321 00:21:22,549 --> 00:21:24,951 >> THEY DON'T CARE THEY JUST FEEL COMFORTABLE THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "IT DOESN'T 322 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:28,288 MATTER TO ME THIS IS WHO I AM I'M GOING TO BE NUDE." 323 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:30,290 SO, I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT LET ME DO THAT LET ME TRY THAT. 324 00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:32,325 [ LAUGHTER ] I WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT. 325 00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:35,695 AND EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE COOL HERE LET ME GET THIS, I'M SWIMMING. 326 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:40,300 I STAND UP IN THE WATER. I TAKE MY BATHING SUIT OFF I'M STILL UNDERWATER 327 00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:44,504 AND I'M, KIND OF, SLOWLY WORKING UP THE CONFIDENCE. I TAKE MY BATHING SUIT OFF 328 00:21:44,504 --> 00:21:47,107 AND I SAY, I SHOULDN'T DO THIS I'M LIKE, "IS SOMEONE'S GOING TO TAKE MY PICTURE AND RUIN MY 329 00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:53,480 LIFE LET ME JUST STAY UNDERWATER. THIS WAS A MISTAKE." 330 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,315 I'M LOOKING FOR MY BATHING SUIT BUT BECAUSE IT'S SO SALTY, THE 331 00:21:55,315 --> 00:22:01,855 TESTICLES AND THE -- [ LAUGHTER ] THEY WERE FLOATING UP, SO YOU 332 00:22:01,855 --> 00:22:03,523 CAN SEE THEM KIND OF FLOATING ON TOP OF THE WATER AND THE OTHER THING -- THE THING 333 00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:05,291 ATTACKS TO THE TESTICLE ON TOP OF THE TESTICLE WAS FLOATING AROUND TOO AND I WAS FLYING TO 334 00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:06,659 PUSH ITDOWN AND IT KEPT COMING BACK UP AND FLOATING [ LAUGHTER ] 335 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:10,830 SO THERE WAS A SPANISH SEA GULL NEARBY [ LAUGHTER ] 336 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:25,211 [ RIM SHOT ] AND THE SPANISH SEA GULL, I THINK, IT TRANSLATED TO THE 337 00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:32,886 WORD, "WORM. [ LAUGHTER ] AND IT STARTS COMING TOWARD ME 338 00:22:32,886 --> 00:22:35,722 AND THEN ONE OR THE OTHER SEES US, "NO, NO, NO. NO WORM, NO WORM." 339 00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:39,092 >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO >> BUT THEN A THIRD SEA GULL GOES, "McDONALD'S FRENCH FRY." 340 00:22:39,092 --> 00:22:42,862 SO THEY'RE COMING AT ME. I GAVE IT TO THEM. I WAS A GUEST IN THEIR COUNTRY 341 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:46,433 I SAID, "YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME." AND -- 342 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:48,134 >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT A GENTLEMAN DOES [ APPLAUSE ] 343 00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:53,206 >> THAT'S WHAT I -- >> Jimmy: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN. YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN 344 00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,141 >> THAT'S HOW THEY RAISED ME [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS MOVIE. 345 00:22:55,141 --> 00:22:57,110 IT'S SO GOOD IT'S HEARTWARMING. IT'S FUNNY 346 00:22:57,110 --> 00:22:59,913 AND IF YOU LOVE BASKETBALL OR SPORTS, YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK THIS OUT 347 00:22:59,913 --> 00:23:02,115 HERE'S A CLIP. ADAM SANDLER IN "HUSTLE. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. 348 00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:02,816 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. >> THANK YOU, BUDDY. 349 00:23:04,317 --> 00:23:05,385 COME ON, MAN 350 00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:08,121 ALL RIGHT. YOUR FIRST YEAR IN THE LEAGUE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET NO CALLS 351 00:23:08,121 --> 00:23:10,690 YOU NEED A HANDOUT GET OUT OF HERE. DON'T LOOK SO SAD. 352 00:23:10,690 --> 00:23:13,493 GO AHEAD, ZOOM IN ON THAT SAD FACE OF HIS RIGHT NOW. AND I WANT YOU TO FINISH 353 00:23:13,493 --> 00:23:17,530 THROUGH IT LET'S GO OKAY, SHOW HIM THE SIDE. 354 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:19,466 THAT'S RIGHT OKAY, YEAH ALL RIGHT, YOU ABSORB THE 355 00:23:19,466 --> 00:23:23,269 CONTACT. I NEED YOU TO FINISH THROUGH THE CONTACT. 356 00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:26,373 ALL RIGHT? ALEX, YOU GET THAT YEAH, WE'RE GETTING IT 357 00:23:26,373 --> 00:23:29,275 GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO AND CUT. MOVE 358 00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:32,212 GO DOWN ALL THE WAY. NOW FINISH IT. [ SWISH 359 00:23:32,212 --> 00:23:34,581 THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE IT TO THE RIM. WHAT HAPPENED? 360 00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:37,417 WERE YOU ON ME ALWAYS ON THE MONEY, SWEETHEART 361 00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:41,354 GOOD GOD >> HE IS MAD BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY 362 00:23:41,354 --> 00:23:43,690 [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT'D HE SAY BECAUSE I'M WHAT 363 00:23:43,690 --> 00:23:47,460 HE MADE A FAT JOKE [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 364 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:50,096 >> Jimmy: ADAM SANDLER, EVERYBODY. "HUSTLE" IS IN THEATERS NOW AND 365 00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:54,734 ON NETFLIX THIS WEDNESDAY. MORE "TONIGHT SHOW" AFTER THE BREAK. 366 00:23:54,734 --> 00:24:11,184 STICK AROUND * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 367 00:24:11,184 --> 00:24:13,553 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK HEY, GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR A BRAND-NEW GAME 368 00:24:13,553 --> 00:24:15,455 A BRAND-NEW GAME THIS IS "SHREDDY OR NOT. 369 00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:16,456 * 370 00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:18,558 * SHREDDY OR NO SHREDDY OR NOT * * SHREDDY OR NO 371 00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:23,897 SHREDDY OR NOT YEAH * [ APPLAUSE ] 372 00:24:23,897 --> 00:24:28,835 >> Jimmy: NOW, HERE'S HOW THIS WORKS. BEFORE THE SHOW, WE FOUND TWO 373 00:24:28,835 --> 00:24:31,438 MEMBERS FROM OUR AUDIENCE TO COME JOIN US DOWN HERE ON STAGE. 374 00:24:31,438 --> 00:24:34,641 ONE OF THEM IS REALLY GOOD AT GUITAR, A SHREDDER THE OTHER HAS NEVER HELD A 375 00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:36,743 A GUITAR BEFORE IN THEIR LIFE. WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S WHO BY ASKING THEM EACH ONE 376 00:24:36,743 --> 00:24:39,212 QUESTION CAN WE GET OUR GUITARISTS TO THE STAGE, PLEASE. 377 00:24:39,212 --> 00:24:40,647 THE STAGE, PLEASE. COME ON OVER 378 00:24:41,081 --> 00:24:41,648 * 379 00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:43,450 * SHREDDY OR NO SHREDDY OR NOT SHREDDY OR NOT 380 00:24:43,450 --> 00:24:46,786 YEAH * [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: I'M JUST KIDDING 381 00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:48,788 HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU, BUD [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 382 00:24:48,788 --> 00:24:50,724 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE OKAY, CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, AND WHERE 383 00:24:50,724 --> 00:24:53,393 ARE YOU FROM >> MY NAME IS ELLIS, AND I'M FROM L.A 384 00:24:53,393 --> 00:24:57,997 >> Jimmy: OKAY ELLIS FROM L.A [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 385 00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,566 CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM 386 00:24:59,566 --> 00:25:01,768 >> MY NAME IS HECTOR AND I'M ORIGINALLY FROM NEW YORK, BUT I LIVE IN JERSEY 387 00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:04,804 NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: AND THAT'S ALL I CAN 388 00:25:04,804 --> 00:25:06,840 ASK YOU. THAT'S ALL I CAN ASK YOU NOW WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT IF 389 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,109 YOU CAN SHRED. QUEST, YOU GO FIRST. YOU CAN ASK THEM BOTH JUST ONE 390 00:25:09,109 --> 00:25:15,615 QUESTION FOR BOTH OF THEM >> Questlove: OKAY 391 00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:26,726 DID YOU MASTER "ERUPTION" OR "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN" FIRST >> "ERUPTION." 392 00:25:26,726 --> 00:25:34,401 >> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S INTERESTING 393 00:25:34,401 --> 00:25:38,738 I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A VERY POKER MOVE IT'S GOTTA BE. 394 00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:41,708 >> Tariq: HE'S TRYING TO THROW YOU OFF THE TRAIL. >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S TRYING TO 395 00:25:41,708 --> 00:25:44,744 THROW ME OFF THE TRAIL HIGGINS, IT'S YOUR TURN. WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION 396 00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:46,880 >> Steve: WELL, QUEST TOOK MINE [ LAUGHTER ] 397 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:51,317 BUT, MULLET. YOU HAVE A MULLET. HMM. 398 00:25:51,317 --> 00:25:56,790 ALL RIGHT. IS ONE OF YOUR FINGERS SUPER CALLUSED 399 00:25:56,790 --> 00:26:02,929 >> I MEAN, I USE MY HANDS A LOT, SO I HAVE MANY CALLUSES ON A LOT OF MY FINGERS 400 00:26:02,929 --> 00:26:06,032 >> Steve: HMM. >> Jimmy: OKAY >> Steve: OKAY 401 00:26:06,032 --> 00:26:08,034 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT YOU? >> THEY'RE KIND OF SOFT. 402 00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:09,669 SO - NO, NOT REALLY THEY'RE SOFT 403 00:26:09,669 --> 00:26:15,108 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: BONUS QUESTION CAN YOU PLAY "WONDERWALL"? 404 00:26:15,108 --> 00:26:17,677 >> OF COURSE WHO CAN'T PLAY "WONDERWALL," YOU KNOW 405 00:26:17,677 --> 00:26:21,948 >> Steve: I THOUGHT HE WOULD SAY, "MAYBE. [ LAUGHTER ] 406 00:26:21,948 --> 00:26:25,885 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. HIGGINS, YOU ASKED TOO MANY. ALL RIGHT. 407 00:26:25,885 --> 00:26:27,854 OKAY, I THINK I KNOW WHO SHREDS AND WHO DOESN'T, BUT MY QUESTION IS, THERE'S A LADY 408 00:26:27,854 --> 00:26:38,198 WHO'S SURE ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD >> WHAT IS THAT? 409 00:26:38,198 --> 00:26:43,370 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> I'M SURE SHE'S A WONDERFUL LADY 410 00:26:43,370 --> 00:26:48,975 >> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME TO MAKE OUR GUESSES. 411 00:26:48,975 --> 00:26:53,279 QUEST, WHO IS THE SHREDDER WHAT DO YOU THINK? CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE OR 412 00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,783 CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO? >> Questlove: CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO IS TRYING TO THROW ME OFF. 413 00:26:56,783 --> 00:26:59,085 I THINK IT'S CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO. >> Jimmy: OKAY 414 00:26:59,085 --> 00:27:01,721 HIGGBONES, WHAT DO YOU THINK >> Steve: I'M GOING TO GO WITH QUEST. 415 00:27:01,721 --> 00:27:06,826 'CAUSE IT'S TOO, IT'S TOO, TOO MUCH [ LAUGHTER ] 416 00:27:06,826 --> 00:27:09,629 >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW I WILL SAY CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE IS KIND OF HOLDING IT LIKE 417 00:27:09,629 --> 00:27:11,765 HE'S READY TO JUST EXPLODE ON THE WORLD. >> Steve: READY TO ROCK, YEAH. 418 00:27:11,765 --> 00:27:16,102 >> Jimmy: AND SO I FEEL -- BUT UNLESS HE'S DOING A REALLY GOOD POKER - 419 00:27:16,102 --> 00:27:21,574 >> Steve: I THINK HE IS. I THINK HE IS. HE'S LIKE MAVERICK 420 00:27:21,574 --> 00:27:23,943 NOT THE MOVIE, BUT THE POKER PLAYER [ LAUGHTER ] 421 00:27:23,943 --> 00:27:26,446 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT. CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE, SHOW US 422 00:27:26,446 --> 00:27:28,148 WHAT YOU GOT >> ALL RIGHT ROOTS, CAN WE GET A BEAT AND 423 00:27:28,148 --> 00:27:50,337 SEE. * * 424 00:27:50,337 --> 00:27:53,306 >> Jimmy: WE GOT -- WE GOT - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE GOT PLAYED. 425 00:27:53,306 --> 00:27:56,776 I THINK WE GOT PLAYED PRETTY BAD. CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO. 426 00:27:56,776 --> 00:28:13,159 LET'S SEE IF SHREDDY OR NOT. * * 427 00:28:13,159 --> 00:28:20,433 >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH 428 00:28:20,433 --> 00:28:23,169 THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE. CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, YOU ARE 429 00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:25,905 THE WINNER CONGRATULATIONS. * 430 00:28:25,905 --> 00:28:31,778 YOU GET -- YOU GET A YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO "RV LIFESTYLE" MAGAZINE BECAUSE - 431 00:28:31,778 --> 00:28:33,913 [ LAUGHTER ] -- YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING ON TOUR 432 00:28:33,913 --> 00:28:37,250 >> RIGHT >> Jimmy: AND BOTH OF YOU -- HERE, YOU CAN TAKE IT. 433 00:28:37,250 --> 00:28:40,153 YOU BOTH ARE GOING HOME WITH CUSTOM SHREDDY VEDDER SWEATSHIRTS TONIGHT. 434 00:28:40,153 --> 00:28:44,090 * CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING. 435 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:47,861 YOU SHRED, BUDDY THAT WAS AWESOME OH, MY GOD 436 00:28:47,861 --> 00:28:52,065 THANKS FOR PLAYING WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BEN FALCONE, EVERYBODY 437 00:28:52,065 --> 00:29:14,187 COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 438 00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:16,823 >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY TALENTED ACTOR, WRITER, AND DIRECTOR 439 00:29:16,823 --> 00:29:24,030 HE CREATED AND STARS IN THE NEW SHOW "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT" WHICH BEGINS STREAMING ON 440 00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:26,366 NETFLIX JUNE 15th. PLEASE WELCOME BEN FALCONE 441 00:29:29,035 --> 00:29:41,348 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: MAN, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUDDY 442 00:29:41,348 --> 00:29:44,284 >> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU? 443 00:29:44,284 --> 00:29:50,056 HOW'S THE FAM? >> EVERYBODY IS REALLY GOOD. THANKS FOR ASKING. 444 00:29:50,056 --> 00:29:55,328 >> Jimmy: YEAH YOU'RE MARRIED TO THE VERY FUNNY, MELISSA McCARTHY. 445 00:29:55,328 --> 00:29:57,163 WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON THE SHOW YOU HAVE TWO KIDS, RIGHT 446 00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,499 >> THAT'S RIGHT. WE HAVE TWO GIRLS, YEAH. >> Jimmy: DO THEY REALIZE THAT 447 00:29:59,499 --> 00:30:01,634 THEIR PARENTS ARE FUNNY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> THEY DO NOT 448 00:30:01,634 --> 00:30:03,303 THEY DO NOT. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, WE TRY TO DO BITS FOR 449 00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:04,971 THEM, JIMMY. AND USUALLY, IT'S MET WITH A A STONE FACE AND THEN, 450 00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:10,443 EVENTUALLY LIKE, "PLEASE STOP. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY 451 00:30:10,443 --> 00:30:12,212 >> WHAT WE DECIDED IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE OUR BITS AND THEY DON'T THINK WE'RE FUNNY, 452 00:30:12,212 --> 00:30:14,481 IS THAT WE GO THE OTHER WAY. SO, WE SAY, "OKAY, FINE. WOULD YOU RATHER THAT WE'RE 453 00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:18,651 BANKERS? AND SO, WE HAD THESE CHARACTERS THAT WE PLAY THAT ARE THE 454 00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:20,253 BANKERS. AND THE BANKERS ARE VERY SERIOUS, AND IT BECOMES MUCH 455 00:30:20,253 --> 00:30:29,763 MORE LIKE, "GEORGETTE, I HOPE SCHOOL WAS INTERESTING TODAY [ LAUGHTER ] 456 00:30:29,763 --> 00:30:32,966 WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE LONGEST PORTION OF YOUR DAY? [ LAUGHTER ] 457 00:30:32,966 --> 00:30:37,137 AND FINALLY WE DO IT LONG ENOUGH, AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OKAY, DO YOUR STUPID DANCING. 458 00:30:37,137 --> 00:30:39,139 >> Jimmy: WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW. IT'S CALLED "GOD'S FAVORITE 459 00:30:39,139 --> 00:30:44,144 IDIOT. GOD, THAT MADE ME LAUGH, JUST HEARING THAT TITLE 460 00:30:44,144 --> 00:30:48,615 CAN YOU SET UP WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT? I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA. 461 00:30:48,615 --> 00:30:51,251 >> SURE. IT'S JUST ABOUT THIS UNASSUMING GUY NAMED CLARK. 462 00:30:51,251 --> 00:30:54,921 I PLAY CLARK HE IS A MESSENGER OF GOD AND HE DOESN'T -- HE DOESN'T 463 00:30:54,921 --> 00:30:56,589 KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM OR WHY WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM IS HAPPENING TO HIM 464 00:30:56,589 --> 00:30:58,892 AND BASICALLY, IT'S A LOOK - IT'S A COMEDY. AND IT'S A LOOK AT WHAT WOULD 465 00:30:58,892 --> 00:31:00,794 HAPPEN IF, LIKE, A DOOFUS WAS CHOSEN TO SAVE THE WORLD >> Jimmy: I WANT TO ASK YOU 466 00:31:00,794 --> 00:31:13,106 ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IN THE SHOW, YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH MELISSA'S CHARACTER. 467 00:31:13,106 --> 00:31:19,512 WE WERE TALKING A LITTLE BIT BACKSTAGE, AND YOU SAID, THE PROPOSAL WAS TERRIBLE. 468 00:31:19,512 --> 00:31:24,451 >> I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE. I KNEW I LOVED HER VERY MUCH AND I WANTED TO MARRY HER. 469 00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:26,286 SO -- BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE THINGS AND, YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T TAKE 470 00:31:26,286 --> 00:31:31,991 HER TO A TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OR ANYTHING AND ALSO SHE DOESN'T LIKE 471 00:31:31,991 --> 00:31:36,096 MOUNTAINS, SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN STUPID IN THE FIRST PLACE >> Jimmy: YEAH, OF COURSE. 472 00:31:36,096 --> 00:31:37,997 SO TAKE THE MOUNTAINS OFF. >> YEAH. NO MOUNTAINS 473 00:31:37,997 --> 00:31:42,102 SO I'M LIKE, HER FAVORITE PLACE TO GET BAGELS IS FROM THIS PLACE. 474 00:31:42,102 --> 00:31:45,972 AND HER FAVORITE PLACE IN TOWN IS OUR BACK PORCH. BECAUSE SHE HAD JUST REMODELED 475 00:31:45,972 --> 00:31:49,876 THIS HOUSE AND THE BACK PORCH WAS LOVELY. SO, I'VE BAGELS. 476 00:31:49,876 --> 00:31:51,711 AND I'M KIND OF STARTING TO FREAK OUT. AND I'M LIKE, "MELISSA, WOULD 477 00:31:51,711 --> 00:31:55,482 YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE BACK PORCH, PLEASE? [ LAUGHTER ] 478 00:31:55,482 --> 00:31:58,852 AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, BOY, HE'S GETTING A LITTLE WEIRD ON ME." I'M ABOUT TO DROP TO A KNEE, 479 00:31:58,852 --> 00:32:02,489 AND BANG, BANG, BANG ON THE DOOR WHO'S THAT 480 00:32:02,489 --> 00:32:10,063 OH, IT'S A CONTRACTOR. HE'S HERE TO INSTALL A VINTAGE TOILET 481 00:32:10,063 --> 00:32:12,832 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: SO YOU CAN'T ASK HER THEN 482 00:32:12,832 --> 00:32:15,368 >> NO. BECAUSE THERE'S A GUY MESSING AROUND WITH THE TOILET 483 00:32:15,368 --> 00:32:18,071 LIKE, I COULDN'T BE THE TOILET PROPOSAL >> Jimmy: NO 484 00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:21,074 WHAT DO YOU DO YOU HAVE THE BAGELS. >> SO, I'VE GOT THE BAGELS 485 00:32:21,074 --> 00:32:23,743 SO, NOW WE'RE JUST EATING BAGELS AND IT'S JUST WEIRD. 486 00:32:23,743 --> 00:32:26,413 AND SO NOW, I TAKE HER TO A DOG PARK BECAUSE I'M LIKE, "PLAN B, A 487 00:32:26,413 --> 00:32:30,483 A DOG PARK." AND THEN, I'M LIKE -- I DON'T WANT TO -- 488 00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:33,386 WE CAN'T DO THIS AT A DOG PARK FINALLY -- >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE A DOG? 489 00:32:33,386 --> 00:32:36,189 >> WE DO AT LEAST WE HAVE A DOG [ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER 490 00:32:36,189 --> 00:32:39,092 >> Jimmy: WE'RE TAKING THE PLUMBER TO A DOG PARK. WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? 491 00:32:39,092 --> 00:32:42,095 WOW. >> SO FINALLY, I'M FREAKING OUT. 492 00:32:42,095 --> 00:32:48,368 MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS JUST SKYROCKETING ALL DAY AND THE GUY LEAVES 493 00:32:48,368 --> 00:32:54,140 MELISSA IS WATCHING AN AUTOPSY SHOW [ LAUGHTER ] 494 00:32:54,140 --> 00:32:56,109 AND PLAYING LIKE A HAND HELD TETRIS GAME THAT YOU WOULD PLAY WITH -- I DON'T KNOW 20 YEARS 495 00:32:56,109 --> 00:33:02,515 AGO. AND I LITERALLY -- I'M SO JACKED UP AND I'M FREAKED OUT. 496 00:33:02,515 --> 00:33:07,520 AND I JUST RUSH AT HER AND GO, "MELISSA, WILL YOU MARRY ME! [ LAUGHTER ] 497 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:13,960 AND SHE DID -- ACTUALLY, SHE TECHNICALLY NEVER SAID YES [ LAUGHTER ] 498 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,595 SHE WAS JUST, I THINK, SO FREAKED OUT. SHE GAVE ME A HUG AND IT SEEMED 499 00:33:15,595 --> 00:33:18,164 LIKE EVERYTHING WAS COOL AND WE DID GET MARRIED. >> Jimmy: YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 500 00:33:18,164 --> 00:33:20,066 EVER SINCE CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY 501 00:33:20,066 --> 00:33:24,070 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU COME ON YOU GUYS MAKE A GREAT TEAM 502 00:33:24,070 --> 00:33:28,241 I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE'S BEN FALCONE AND MELISSA McCARTHY IN "GOD'S 503 00:33:28,241 --> 00:33:31,711 FAVORITE IDIOT." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. 504 00:33:33,947 --> 00:33:40,987 YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT SOMETIME? BUT WITH ME THOUGH I ASK BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE 505 00:33:40,987 --> 00:33:43,490 REALLY NICE. AND YOU'RE -- YOU'RE VERY LOVELY 506 00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:48,428 YOU'RE VERY BOLD ALSO IN A NON-HARASSMENT WAY IN THE WORKPLACE. 507 00:33:48,428 --> 00:33:50,764 I WANTED JUST TO SAY THAT I THINK YOU'RE NOT UGLY. IN AN ATTRACTIVENESS WAY 508 00:33:50,764 --> 00:33:57,537 OH, THAT'S NOT IT. >> THAT IS NOT IT. YOU BASICALLY JUST CALLED ME A 509 00:33:57,537 --> 00:34:00,173 A DUDE AND AN UGLY DUDE >> PERHAPS WE COULD IMAGINE 510 00:34:00,173 --> 00:34:03,943 THAT I'M DOING THIS BETTER COULD WE PRETEND, PERHAPS, THAT I'M A BRAD PITT? 511 00:34:03,943 --> 00:34:06,713 I DON'T KNOW BRAD PITT I SHOULD CALL HIM BRADLEY PITT COULD WE PRETEND THAT I'M 512 00:34:06,713 --> 00:34:09,516 BRADLEY PITT DOING THIS HOW HE WOULD DO IT. LIKE BRADLEY PITT IS SUDDENLY 513 00:34:09,516 --> 00:34:13,687 INSIDE OF MY BODY. >> OH. THAT'S -- OKAY 514 00:34:13,687 --> 00:34:16,056 >> NOPE. NO NO, BRADLEY PITT - 515 00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:18,191 >> IT'S A DIFFERENT VISUAL >> HE IS NOT -- YEAH HE'S NOT THERE 516 00:34:18,191 --> 00:34:21,061 AND THAT'S -- LET'S WIPE OUR SLATE CLEAN OF THAT. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 517 00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:24,631 >> Jimmy: BEN FALCONE, EVERYBODY. "GOD'S FAVORITE IDIOT" BEGINS 518 00:34:24,631 --> 00:34:30,070 STREAMING ON NETFLIX JUNE 15th WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND-UP FROM NIMESH PATEL 519 00:34:30,070 --> 00:34:50,290 STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 520 00:34:50,290 --> 00:34:52,492 >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST HAS HIS NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL, "THANK YOU CHINA" AVAILABLE NOW 521 00:34:52,492 --> 00:34:58,565 ON YOUTUBE MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY 522 00:34:58,565 --> 00:35:00,200 DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY NIMESH PATEL 523 00:35:02,235 --> 00:35:08,475 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 524 00:35:08,475 --> 00:35:12,545 >> HI, HI, HI. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH MY PARENTS CAUGHT ME SMOKING 525 00:35:12,545 --> 00:35:22,622 WEED ON A YOUTUBE LIVESTREAM AT AGE 35 MY DAD CALLED ME IMMEDIATELY 526 00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:26,960 "NIMESH, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? I SAID, IT'S WEED, DAD HE SAID, "YOU NEED TO QUIT." 527 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:31,431 I SAID, "OKAY, DAD, I'LL QUIT SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES." 528 00:35:31,431 --> 00:35:34,934 HE SAID THE MOST DAD THING EVER HE SAID, "I'M NOT GOING TO 529 00:35:34,934 --> 00:35:39,939 ARGUE WITH YOU." I SAID, "YEAH, DAD, WE JUST HAD THE ARGUMENT 530 00:35:39,939 --> 00:35:43,076 YOU LOST [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S FINE. 531 00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:46,413 TAKE THE 'L,' BRO. HE SAID, "I'LL GET YOU BACK. THEN HE HUNG UP. 532 00:35:46,413 --> 00:35:48,348 AND A FEW MINUTES LATER, I START SEEING ALL THE DISLIKES ON MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS GO UP BY 533 00:35:48,348 --> 00:35:52,852 ONE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN I GOT A CALL FROM MY 534 00:35:52,852 --> 00:35:59,559 MOM. "NIMESH, WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? AND SHE'S MAD RELIGIOUS, SO I 535 00:35:59,559 --> 00:36:04,731 SAID, HINDU KUSH [ LAUGHTER ] SHE SAID, "DON'T GET SMART 536 00:36:04,731 --> 00:36:07,100 IS THAT WEED YOU NEED TO STOP IT'S ILLEGAL." 537 00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:09,803 I SAID, "ILLEGAL SO IS NOT PAYING TAXES ON THAT ALL-CASH LIQUOR STORE WE GOT 538 00:36:09,803 --> 00:36:16,776 GOING ON, BUT -- [ LAUGHTER ] I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T. 539 00:36:16,776 --> 00:36:19,713 WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, SHE SAYS "NIMESH, THE STORES IN YOUR NAME. 540 00:36:19,713 --> 00:36:24,584 YOU DON'T PAY TAXES. [ LAUGHTER ] SNITCHING ON MYSELF. 541 00:36:24,584 --> 00:36:28,521 AND THEN, SHE SAID, "NIMESH, YOU NEED TO QUIT YOU HAVE ASTHMA. 542 00:36:28,521 --> 00:36:34,928 I SAID, "MOM, I READ WHEN I WAS HIGH THAT WEED IS A BRONCHODILATOR." 543 00:36:34,928 --> 00:36:41,234 AND SHE GOES, "OH. SO NOW YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR HM, THAT'S CUTE. 544 00:36:41,234 --> 00:36:44,904 [ LAUGHTER ] SPEAKING OF WHICH -- SPEAKING OF WHICH 545 00:36:44,904 --> 00:36:47,841 CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE THAT AMERICANS DESERVE HEALTHCARE CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE 546 00:36:47,841 --> 00:36:54,547 AMERICANS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU DON'T? 547 00:36:54,547 --> 00:36:57,450 ME NEITHER [ LAUGHTER ] I THINK WE NEED IT 548 00:36:57,450 --> 00:37:00,253 BUT I DON'T THINK WE DESERVE IT I KNOW I DON'T DESERVE 549 00:37:00,253 --> 00:37:02,856 HEALTHCARE A FEW YEARS AGO, I DISCOVERED EXACTLY HOW MUCH WEED I NEED TO 550 00:37:02,856 --> 00:37:10,630 SMOKE TO HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK I HAD AN ASTHMA ATTACK [ LAUGHTER ] 551 00:37:10,630 --> 00:37:14,801 I WENT TO A KANYE WEST CONCERT BACK WHEN IT WAS OKAY TO DO. [ LAUGHTER ] 552 00:37:14,801 --> 00:37:19,739 I SMOKED FOUR JOINTS IN AN HOUR AND THEN HIS SONG "I AM A GOD" 553 00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,541 CAME ON. AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M NOT, KANYE. 554 00:37:21,541 --> 00:37:24,611 I HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL." [ LAUGHTER ] AND I CALLED AN UBER TO THE 555 00:37:24,611 --> 00:37:28,548 HOSPITAL BECAUSE AN AMBULANCE IS $600. AND I'M NOT GOING TO DIE A 556 00:37:28,548 --> 00:37:32,185 A SUCKER, YOU KNOW GET TO THE HOSPITAL. NYU LANGONE IN COBBLE HILL, 557 00:37:32,185 --> 00:37:37,057 BROOKLYN AND NOW I HAVE ASTHMA, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I NEED 558 00:37:37,057 --> 00:37:40,427 "DOCTOR, I'M HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK." "YOU'RE HAVING AN ASTHMA 559 00:37:40,427 --> 00:37:45,598 ATTACK." "I NEED ALBUTEROL NEBULIZER. "YOU NEED ALBUTEROL NEBULIZER. 560 00:37:45,598 --> 00:37:48,401 I'M LIKE, IS THIS SELF CHECK-OUT? WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW 561 00:37:48,401 --> 00:37:50,770 [ LAUGHTER ] JUST GIVE ME MY MEDICINE HE'S LIKE, "YOU'LL BE FINE." 562 00:37:50,770 --> 00:37:55,075 THEN HE SHUFFLES AWAY IN HIS FERRAGAMO LOAFERS. AND THEN IN COMES A NURSE WHO 563 00:37:55,075 --> 00:38:00,113 HAS A MENU OF ALL THE OTHER STUFF I COULD GET SINCE I STOPPED IN THAT CASA DE NYU. 564 00:38:00,113 --> 00:38:02,682 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] BLOOD WORK EKG. 565 00:38:02,682 --> 00:38:06,186 THE CHEF RECOMMENDED X-RAYS. BUT I DON'T PRESENT AS A A 30-YEAR-OLD INDIAN MAN HAVING 566 00:38:06,186 --> 00:38:11,057 A HEART ATTACK WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS RUNNING UP THE INSURANCE TAB 567 00:38:11,057 --> 00:38:13,893 BECAUSE INSURANCE WILL JUST PAY WHATEVER THE HOSPITAL SAYS WHATEVER THEY DON'T PAY, THEY 568 00:38:13,893 --> 00:38:16,930 PASS ON TO YOU BUT, LUCKILY, I SAID THE MAGIC WORDS. 569 00:38:16,930 --> 00:38:21,034 I SAID, "I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE. [ LAUGHTER ] 570 00:38:21,034 --> 00:38:24,371 THIS LADY THREW AN INHALER AT ME [ LAUGHTER ] 571 00:38:24,371 --> 00:38:30,643 AND WAS LIKE, "GET OUT YOU WHEEZY, BROKE LOSER. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 572 00:38:30,643 --> 00:38:37,217 YOU'RE CLAPPING FOR POOR HEALTHCARE THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT 573 00:38:37,217 --> 00:38:39,886 [ LAUGHTER ] IN AND OUT IN AN HOUR AND A HALF 574 00:38:39,886 --> 00:38:44,324 TWO WEEKS LATER, GET THE BILL. $6,000 YEAH 575 00:38:44,324 --> 00:38:48,561 I HAD ANOTHER ASTHMA ATTACK. [ LAUGHTER ] [ WHEEZING ] 576 00:38:48,561 --> 00:38:55,802 $6,000 FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AND NOT A SINGLE ORGASM. [ LAUGHTER ] 577 00:38:55,802 --> 00:38:57,637 BUT LUCKILY, I WAS RAISED BY INDIAN PEOPLE WHO TAUGHT ME THAT THE PRICE IS NEVER THE 578 00:38:57,637 --> 00:39:03,777 PRICE UNTIL YOU TALK ABOUT THE PRICE. I CALLED THE HOSPITAL. 579 00:39:03,777 --> 00:39:08,815 I SAID, "LISTEN, I'M NOT GIVING YOU $6,000." THEY SAID, "WHY NOT? 580 00:39:08,815 --> 00:39:16,256 I SAID, "WELL, FOR ONE, YOU ALREADY GAVE ME THE MEDICINE TWO, I DON'T HAVE $6,000." 581 00:39:16,256 --> 00:39:21,528 NOW I HAD $6,000 BUT I ALSO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. 582 00:39:21,528 --> 00:39:24,698 I KNOW THAT IF YOU GET SICK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR LIKE I DID, EVERY HOSPITAL HAS THIS 583 00:39:24,698 --> 00:39:30,804 GIANT POOL OF MONEY THEY HAVE TO GIVE AWAY FOR FREE CARE IN ORDER TO STAY NON-PROFIT 584 00:39:30,804 --> 00:39:35,442 SIDEBAR, IF YOU GET SICK AND HAVE TO GO TO HOSPITAL IN LIKE DECEMBER, JUST HOLD ON, OKAY 585 00:39:35,442 --> 00:39:38,478 [ LAUGHTER ] JUST HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I'M 586 00:39:38,478 --> 00:39:41,414 TALKING TO THEM. "LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE $6,000 I CAN'T GIVE YOU $6,000. 587 00:39:41,414 --> 00:39:44,484 I DON'T HAVE $6,000. THEY LITERALLY SAID, "HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE? 588 00:39:44,484 --> 00:39:51,091 [ LAUGHTER ] DID I CALL THE MOB "I GOT NOTHING 589 00:39:51,091 --> 00:39:54,561 YOU CAN BREAK MY KNEES IF YOU WANT I'M NOT GIVING YOU $6,000. 590 00:39:54,561 --> 00:39:57,397 THEY'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MR. PATEL, NO NEED TO BE UPSET LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T HAVE 591 00:39:57,397 --> 00:40:00,033 $6,000, YOU DON'T OWE US $6,000 BUT IF YOU HAVE $6,000, AND 592 00:40:00,033 --> 00:40:01,835 YOU'RE NOT PAYING IT, YOU MIGHT BE TAKING $6,000 OUT OF THE POCKET OF SOMEONE WHO TRULY 593 00:40:01,835 --> 00:40:09,409 CAN'T PAY. I SAID, "DON'T HATE THE PLAYER HATE THE GAME. 594 00:40:09,409 --> 00:40:11,344 CLICK. [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH 595 00:40:11,344 --> 00:40:17,083 I MEAN THAT. THANKS * 596 00:40:17,083 --> 00:40:22,689 >> Jimmy: COME ON. NIMESH PATEL [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 597 00:40:22,689 --> 00:40:25,992 "THANK YOU CHINA" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON YOUTUBE MY THANKS TO ADAM SANDLER, 598 00:40:25,992 --> 00:40:32,799 BEN FALCONE, NIMESH PATEL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE, 599 00:40:32,799 --> 00:40:35,435 FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING 600 00:40:35,435 --> 00:40:38,371 STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY