>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - MARTIN SHORT
JUNO TEMPLE, MUSICAL GUEST, DEMI LOVATO AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1702 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MAN!
HOT CROWD! GOOD LOOKING CROWD TONIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WELCOME. I LOVE YOU THANK YOU, NEW YORK.
ENJOY YOURSELF WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYONE
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING AT HOME [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS WELL, GUYS, THANKS TO SOME BIG WINS IN CONGRESS, FALLING GAS
PRICES, AND A STRONGER ECONOMY, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING HAS SURGED THREE POINTS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S IT? [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S LIKE DONATING A KIDNEY AND GETTING A TEXT BACK THAT SAYS, "THANKS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: COME ON. >> Jimmy: THREE POINTS
IT MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 79, YOUR SURGES AREN'T AS STRONG AS THEY USED TO BE,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. [ AUDIENCE GROANS *
>> CIALIS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BIDEN IS ONLY AT 40%
APPROVAL RATING. BUT THAT'S A WIN I MEAN, AT ONE POINT, HE WAS
POLLING LOWER THAN PAPER STRAWS DID YOU KNOW THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE THE EARTH, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS
YEAH, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT, HE'S RESILIENT. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES BIDEN
GETS KNOCKED DOWN -- [ LAUGHTER ] HE GETS BACK UP.
HE GETS BACK UP EVERY TIME [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "WHAT ARE THESE?
IS THIS A STAIRMASTER? * THE STAIRS AREN'T MOVING
YOU CAN JUST GO RIGHT UP." SOME BUSINESS NEWS HERE. I SAW THAT WHEN NETFLIX ROLLS
OUT THEIR CHEAPER PLAN WITH ADS, USERS WON'T BE ABLE TO DOWNLOAD SHOWS TO WATCH
OFFLINE. [ AUDIENCE GROANS >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: YES, IT'S GOING TO BE VERY DIFFERENT WITH THE CHEAPER PLAN, YOU GET
COMMERCIAL BREAKS, NO DOWNLOADS, WHEN YOU TRY TO HIT "SKIP INTRO," IT SAYS, "NAH, "
"STRANGER THINGS" IS JUST THE "JONATHAN" SCENES, EACH MONTH, THEY SEND YOU A CHEESE SANDWICH
FROM THE FYRE FESTIVAL DOCUMENTARY. WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR PARENTS,
IT AUTOMATICALLY PLAYS THE SHOW "HOW TO BUILD A SEX ROOM." [ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, IT AUTOMATICALLY SHARES YOUR PASSWORD WITH ALL YOUR EXES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH >> Jimmy: SO MAYBE JUST THINK,
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO NETFLIX. SOME ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THE 10th
"SAW" MOVIE IS COMING OUT NEXT FALL >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND IN CASE YOU NEED A QUICK REFRESHER ON THE OTHER "SAW"
MOVIES, HERE'S THE FULL LIST
SAW 2, A SECOND SAW. SAW 3, RETURN OF THE SECOND
SAW. SAW 4, SON OF THE OTHER SAW. SAW 5, WHERE ARE ALL THESE SAWS
COMING FROM? SAW 6 PLUS 7, OH [ BLEEP ], IT'S TWO SAWS.
SAW 8, WAIT, WHAT NUMBER COMES AFTER 8? SAW 8, 10?
NO, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING IN BETWEEN 9?
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. SAW 9, NICE. SAW 8, UH OH
SAW 7, WE ARE GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. SAW 6, AHH
SAW 5, NOO SAW 4, STOP. SAW 5, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT,
PHEW SAW 6, CAN WE JUST SKIP TO 10? SAW 10, THANK GOD IT'S OVER.
SAW 11, NOOOOO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I'M EXCITED FOR IT
WELL, GET THIS, I HEARD THAT PABST BLUE RIBBON IS PARTNERING WITH A MOTEL IN MICHIGAN TO
CREATE PBR-THEMED ROOMS. THAT'S RIGHT, A BEER-THEMED MOTEL ROOM
OR AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN, A MOTEL ROOM [ LAUGHTER ]
SOME BIG SPORTS NEWS, 37-YEAR-OLD LeBRON JAMES JUST AGREED TO A TWO-YEAR
$97 MILLION CONTRACT EXTENSION WITH THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS. [ CHEERS ]
37 ISN'T THAT OLD, BUT IN LOS ANGELES, HE'S 150. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEP, $97 MILLION FOR LeBRON, WHICH MEANS THE REST OF THE TEAM GETS PAID IN PANERA
COUPONS. [ LAUGHTER ] GUYS, THE CDC JUST ENDED THEIR
SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDELINES THAT RECOMMENDED PEOPLE STAY AT LEAST SIX FEET APART
>> Tariq: DOES THAT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS >> Jimmy: TOGETHER FOREVER
* * TOGETHER FOREVE AND NEVER TO PART *
* TOGETHER FOREVER WE TWO AND DON'T YOU KNOW * * I WOULD MOVE HEAVEN
AND EARTH * * TO BE TOGETHER FOREVE WITH YOU *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: DAVE AND BUSTERS TONIGHT, TARIQ
>> Tariq: SEE YOU THERE. >> Jimmy: BUT I'M GOING FIRST AT CONNECT FOUR THIS TIME.
OH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: OH, MY GOD WHAT >> Jimmy: HEY, GUYS, LISTEN TO
THIS ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, STANDING DESKS CAN IMPROVE YOUR
WELL-BEING AND REDUCE STRESS AT THE OFFICE HOWEVER, LISTENING TO YOUR
COWORKER TALK ABOUT THEIR STANDING DESK DOES THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE
"IT'S JUST BETTER ON MY LOWER BACK." "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
GOOD -- GOOD FOR YOU." "I SLEEP BETTER. "YEAH, YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU.
HAVE THE BEST LIFE." [ LAUGHTER ] FINALLY, I SAW A STORY ABOUT A
A COUPLE WHO PICKED A PRETTY UNUSUAL LOCATION TO CELEBRATE THEIR ENGAGEMENT
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WATCH THIS
>> A TENNESSEE COUPLE RECENTLY
HAD AN ITALY THEMED ENGAGEMENT PHOTO SHOOT. LOOK AT THIS
THE CATCH, THEY WERE TAKEN AT THIS OLIVE GARDEN. THEY DEFINITELY MANAGED TO
CAPTURE AN ITALIAN VINEYARD VIBE AT THE POPULAR CHAIN RESTAURANT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT YES.
THEN THEY ASKED FOR AN EXOTIC SEASIDE LOCATION THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS LIKE,
"THERE'S A RED LOBSTER DOWN THE BLOCK. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
MY FAVORITE, MARTIN SHORT, IS HERE, TONIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THE BEST YOU CAN GET MARTIN SHORT IS HERE, TONIGHT. ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITES,
JUNO TEMPLE, IS ON THE SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "TED LASSO," CRUSHING IT
AND WE'VE GOT GREAT MUSIC FROM DEMI LOVATO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COME ON, LET'S GO WRITE SOME "THANK YOU NOTES," EVERYBODY
*
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. I'M SO EXCITED >> Steve: POUND FOR POUND, THE
FUNNIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD >> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I APPRECIATE IT.
>> Steve: YEAH, OH, YEAH, SURE YEAH, YOU. >> Jimmy: YEAH
OH, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MARTIN SHORT >> Steve: NO, NO, NO
I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU, BOSS. >> Jimmy: GOSH, HE'S UNBELIEVABLE
AND ALSO, IN "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING," HE IS FANTASTIC HE'S THE FUNNIEST, BUT HE'S
ALSO A DRAMATIC ACTOR. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I MEAN, HE'S -- HE'S THE
GREATEST THERE'S NO ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE MARTIN SHORT.
I'M JUST SO EXCITED THAT HE'S HERE IN FACT, I'M SO EXCITED, THAT I
WANT TO WRITE SOME "THANK YOU NOTES. >> Steve: REALLY
>> Jimmy: UNRELATED TO MARTIN SHORT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COMPLETELY UNRELATED >> Steve: HOW CONVENIENT >> Jimmy: UNRELATED TO
MARTIN SHORT >> Steve: SO NONE OF THESE ARE ABOUT MARTIN
>> Jimmy: JAMES, CAN I GET SOME "THANK YOU NOTE" WRITING MUSIC, PLEASE
* LOOKS GOOD HE LOOKS GOOD.
>> Steve: OH, MY GOD >> Jimmy: IT'S COMING IN HOT [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S COMING IN HOT * THANK YOU, GOING ON A DIET, FOR
BEING THE ORIGINAL INFLATION REDUCTION ACT. YEAH, YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE TOPICAL. >> Steve: DIET SEASON.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, "HOUSE OF THE DRAGON," FOR SOUNDING LIKE A CHINESE FOOD PLACE WITH TWO
STARS ON YELP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU, CAMOUFLAGE SHORTS,
FOR BEING PERFECT IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE SEEING YOUR CROTCH IN THE FOREST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH WOW.
I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING >> Jimmy: ANKLES AND TORSO IT'S AMAZING
>> Steve: DISAPPEARED. * >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, MEETING
YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE, FOR BEING A GREAT WAY TO GET TO KNOW THE PERSON WHOSE GUTS
YOU'LL HATE IN THREE MONTHS. [ APPLAUSE ] OH, THIS IS A GOOD ONE
* THANK YOU, STATE FAIRS, FOR BEING 10% RIDES AND 90% "CAN I
DEEP FRY THIS OBJECT?" [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SURE
TWINKIE? GO FOR IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: DEEP FRIED BUTTER. THAT WAS A CRAZY ONE >> Jimmy: WHICH ONE?
>> Steve: DEEP FRIED BUTTER. >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH >> Steve: YEAH
YOU'RE GOING LIKE, THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? NO
>> Jimmy: DEEP FRIED BUTTER IS THE JAM, YEAH. >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER HAD DEEP FRIED OREO AND ALL THAT STUFF?
>> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: IT'S PRETTY GOOD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, I THINK DEEP FRIED FOOD IS GOOD
IT TASTES GOOD >> Jimmy: I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, CHRISTMAS IS FUN.
>> Steve: YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY
SAYS - >> Jimmy: I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS.
>> Steve: -- I LIKE MY BIRTHDAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I HAVE FUN
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I LIKE TO CELEBRATE IT EVERY YEAR.
>> Steve: YOU KNOW WHAT, TOO I'M GOING OUT ON A LIMB. I MEAN, THE BEATLES ARE PRETTY
GOOD [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S YOU, MAN.
IT'S ALL ON YOU. IT'S ALL YOU YOU BE YOU, MAN.
>> Steve: YEAH UB40 >> Jimmy: YEAH, MAN.
I BE 47. >> Steve: OOH, NICE. >> Jimmy: MY BIRTHDAY WAS IN
SEPTEMBER. >> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: YEAH
IT WAS INTERESTING >> Steve: WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
>> Jimmy: IT WAS IN SEPTEMBER, SO IT'S LIKE FALL, SO IT WAS AUTUMNAL THEME
>> Steve: RIGHT. SO I SAID, WELL MAYBE NANCY AND I WILL GO ON LIKE ON A HAYRIDE
OR SOMETHING >> Steve: OH, MY GOD, HAYRIDE. >> Jimmy: SO, I GO, "WELL,
WHO'S GONNA DRIVE THE TRACTOR. >> Steve: RIGHT. >> Jimmy: SO, "DUDE, WE DON'T
HAVE A TRACTOR." SO I HAD TO BUY ONE FROM A A FARMER
I'M LIKE, "NICE TO MEET YOU. HE'S LIKE, "MY NAME'S HANK." I GO, "OH, THAT'S AN ODD
VOICE. HE GOES, "I JUST DOING A A CHARACTER.
MY NAME'S HANK." >> Steve: OH, WOW. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I GO, "OH, WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU. CAN I BORROW YOUR TRACTOR?
HE'S LIKE, "BORROW NO, BUT YOU CAN BUY ONE. I GO, "ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH IS
IT?" HE'S LIKE, "$300." I GO, "THANK YOU."
SO, $300 I BOUGHT THE TRACTOR THEN I HOOKED IT UP, THEN I GO
TO GET HAY >> Steve: RIGHT. WHERE DO YOU GET HAY AT.
>> Jimmy: YEP, SO -- WELL, THEN I WENT TO THE -- >> Steve: HAY STORE?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THE HAY STORE, THANK YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY GOT ALL THE HAY, PUT IT IN THE BACK AND AS I WAS DRIVING AWAY, DO
YOU KNOW WHAT THE OWNERS SAID? >> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: "HEY!"
>> Steve: "HEY!" [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH
SO I GO, HEY YOU HAD TO BE THERE. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
>> Steve: OH, YEAH >> Jimmy: YOU HAD TO BE THERE. >> Steve: OH, I HAD TO BE
THERE. >> Jimmy: NO, IT WAS A A MANDATORY PARTY.
YEAH * THANK YOU, TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSHES,
FOR SAVING ME A WHOLE TWO INCHES OF SPACE IN MY SUITCASE [ APPLAUSE ]
WOW. >> Steve: I CAN FIT -- >> Jimmy: ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT
ON THE PLANE [ LAUGHTER ] *
THANK YOU, PET BIRTHDAY PARTIES, OR AS YOUR DOG REMEMBERS IT, THE WORST DAY OF
THEIR LIFE THERE YOU HAVE IT, EVERYBODY THOSE ARE MY "THANK YOU NOTES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GREATEST MARTIN SHORT IS HERE
COME ON NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> NOT ONLY ARE YOU BY BEST FRIEND YOU'RE MY BEST LOOKING FRIEND
BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE JON HAMM THAT'S WHO YOU LOOK LIKE YEP, YOU DO.
[ CHEERS ] >> Jimmy: I DO >> YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE JON HAMM
IF SOMEONE MICROWAVED HIS HEAD FOR, LIKE, 20 SECONDS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: CHEERS >> TO THE GOOD TIMES >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> LET ME TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE MY -- YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND >> YOU -- YOU ARE.
>> Jimmy: NO, YOU ARE. >> OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE NOT ONLY ARE YOU BY BEST
FRIEND YOU'RE BY BEST LOOKING FRIEND BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE JON HAMM
THAT'S WHO YOU LOOK LIKE YEP, YOU DO. [ CHEERS ]
>> Jimmy: I DO >> YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE JON HAMM IF SOMEONE MICROWAVED HIS HEAD
FOR, LIKE, 20 SECONDS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A VERY
DISTINCT LOOK TOO. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU LOOK LIKE THE LOVE CHILD OF
PETER PAN AND BILLIE JEAN KING DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT? >> WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE IF THE
BONUS JONAS SURVIVED AN ACID ATTACK [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT GEORGE LUCAS CREATED OUT OF
LATEX. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, YOU -- YOU -- YOU
KNOW, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, YOU'RE NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE PHYSIQUE
OF A BURRITO THAT'S ABOUT TO BURST OPEN [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE SO UGLY, WHEN YOU WERE BORN, INSTEAD OF PUSH, THE DOCTOR SAID, "SUCK."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, YEAH, LET ME SAY SOMETHING TO YOU, MY DEAR, DEAR
FRIEND >> Jimmy: OH, I'M READY FOR IT >> YOU ARE SO UGLY, YOUR
PROCTOLOGIST ONCE SAID, "MY GOD, THIS ASS [ BLEEP ] HAS TEETH.
OH, SPEAKING OF NUTS, DID YOURS EVER DROP? >> Jimmy: I KNOW -- I KNOW WHO
YOU LOOK LIKE. >> WHAT? >> Jimmy: YOU LOOK LIKE -- YOU
LOOK LIKE IF BILBAO BAGGINS GOT REALLY INTO WHIP-ITS [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BY THE WAY, YOU ARE SO OLD, SHOULDN'T YOU BE BUILDING A CANOE IN A CIALIS COMMERCIAL
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU REMEMBER -- DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I -- THAT TIME I VISITED YOU IN THE HOSPITAL, AND IT WAS
THE ONLY TIME I EVER FELT BAD FOR A CATHETER [ LAUGHTER ]
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, MAN I REALLY DO LOVE YOU >> Jimmy: NO, I LOVE YOU TOO
>> I LOVE YOU. >> Jimmy: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> IT'S HARD FOR ME TO EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS ] BECAUSE THE BOTOX IS FRESH >> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS
EMMY NOMINATED FOR HIS FANTASTIC WORK ON THE VERY POPULAR SERIES "ONLY MURDERS IN
THE BUILDING." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THE SEASON TWO FINALE AIRS
TUESDAY ON HULU. PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE, THE ONLY, MARTIN SHORT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> THANK YOU SO MUCH
>> Jimmy: THEY LOVE YOU. THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT THE ROOTS.
>> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. >> OH, THANKS -- OH, THEY
STOPPED. >> Jimmy: THEY STOPPED MARTIN SHORT, WELCOME BACK TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW. >> JAMES JAMES THOMAS FALLON.
>> Jimmy: YES. >> MY GOD, YOUR NAME SCREAMS OUT DIVERSITY.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT REALLY DOES [ LAUGHTER ]
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT. ALTHOUGH, IT COULD BE THE
VICODIN AND XANAX TALKING, BUT I DON'T THINK SO [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S HARD FOR ME TO EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE THE BOTOX IS FRESH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH YOU CAN BARELY SEE ANYTHING.
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE THE BIG SAUDI GOLF TOURNAMENT
WHO KNEW THAT YOU AND THE CROWN PRINCE WERE SUCH BUDDIES THE GIGGLING AND THE GIGGLING,
AND HE'S KNITTING AND YOU'RE HOLDING THE WOOL [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. IN FACT, TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT WHY THE
PROUD BOYS ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A CLUB. WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
NO, NO, JIMMY, HERE'S THE THING ABOUT JIMMY, WE DO HANG OUT. BECAUSE WE'RE NOT JUST FAKE
SHOW BUSINESS FRIENDS. WE'RE FAKE FRIENDS IN REAL LIFE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WE REALLY ARE. THAT IS CORRECT.
HOW IS YOUR SUMMER GOING, THOUGH >> WELL, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
I'VE BEEN UP -- I'VE BEEN UP AT THE COTTAGE. DO I REGRET MY KIM AND PETE
FOREVER TATTOO SURE [ LAUGHTER ]
ABSOLUTELY REGRETS, I'VE HAD A FEW. >> Jimmy: DO I
YES, I DO. >> OH, AND HOW ABOUT THIS? YOU KNOW, I WAS AT MAR-A-LAGO
DURING THE BIG FBI RAID. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WAIT, WHAT
>> OH, I'M GONNA LIE NO, I'M A MEMBER THERE >> Jimmy: I DID NOT KNOW YOU'RE
A MEMBER OF MAR-A-LAGO >> I DON'T LIKE TRUMP'S POLITICS, BUT I LOVE HIS OMELET
STATION. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT MAKES SENSE
>> IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND IT'S SO GREAT BECAUSE YOU CAN JUST -- IF YOU'RE A MEMBER,
YOU CAN JUST READ AS MANY CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AS YOU WANT
>> Jimmy: THEY'RE JUST SCATTERED EVERYWHERE [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH? >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW THE TRUMPS.
>> OH, I KNOW THE TRUMPS I USED TO BABYSIT THE KIDS, FOR GOD'S SAKE
[ LAUGHTER ] ERIC AND DON JR., WE WOULD PLAY MONOPOLY, BUT THEIR VERSION IS
THE WINNER IS THE FIRST PERSON TO YELL BANKRUPTCY [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S ANOTHER FUN WAY TO PLAY IT >> SOMEONE'S BEEN DOING SOME
WRITING. >> Jimmy: HOW'S OUR PAL, STEVE MARTIN, DOING?
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> YOU KNOW, STEVE -- WELL,
FIRST OF ALL, HE'S THE MOST TALENTED GUY IN THE WORLD, YOU KNOW
[ CHEERS ] I MEAN, HE -- HE DOES MAGIC. HE JUGGLES
HE PLAYS THE BANJO AND YET SOMEHOW, HE'S FAMOUS I DON'T KNOW
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, WE'RE A TEAM NOW. WE'RE LIKE FLORIDA AND A LOWER
BACK TATTOO. >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THIS TOUR, BY THE WAY. >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I MEAN, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED, BY THE WAY -- WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED TOURING WITH
STEVE MARTIN >> WELL, I'VE LEARNED THAT HE WILL PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR CLEAN
URINE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YOU'VE GOT TO PASS
THOSE TESTS. YOU'VE GOT TO PASS THE TEST. >> I'VE LEARNED FROM HIM THAT
YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE A POOL TO HAVE A POOL BOY >> Jimmy: HELLO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, HE IS REALLY AMAZING. HE IS SUCH A UNIQUE -- YOU
KNOW, HE BUT DIALLED ME THE OTHER DAY, WHICH IS KIND OF REMARKABLE BECAUSE HE STILL HAS
A ROTARY PHONE SO -- >> Jimmy: THAT'S KIND OF HARD TO DO.
>> OH, NOT FOR STEVE NO WHEN YOU HAVE THAT TALENT [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU AND STEVE YOU'RE BOTH EMMY NOMINATED FOR
"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> YEAH.
17 >> Jimmy: THE SHOW GOT A A WHOPPING 17 EMMY NOMINATIONS
THAT IS AMAZING. >> AND I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW -
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE FANTASTIC. >> AND I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW, I'M MAKING IT RED CARPET
OFFICIAL WITH LIZ CHENEY WHEN I GO THERE >> Jimmy: YOU HEARD IT HERE
FIRST. BUT -- NO, NO, NO. HERE'S THE THING
THE SHOW -- FIRST OF ALL, THE FINALE IS ON NEXT TUESDAY, YOU KNOW
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> EPISODE TEN WHO DID IT
>> Jimmy: I'M EXCITED. >> YOU KNOW, STEVE AND I ARE NOMINATED.
YOU KNOW, IF I CAN'T WIN, I HOPE THAT HE WINS. BUT I CAN WIN, SO SCREW HIM,
SO - [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO, THAT'S
NOT WHAT YOU WANT. NO, NO, NO BUT YOU ARE NOMINATED FOR THE
EXACT SAME CATEGORY. >> I KNOW. >> Jimmy: SO, YEAH, YOU HAVE
TO -- YOU EITHER WIN -- OR IF YOU LOSE - >> IF I LOSE, I'M GOING TO SEND
WILL SMITH UP TO SLAP HIM. >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO - >> OR NOT?
>> Jimmy: HE WON'T BE THERE. >> HERE'S THE THING. HERE'S WHAT'S AMAZING.
IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME 20 YEARS AGO THAT I WOULD BE ON "THE
TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON" WITH ALL THESE EMMY NOMINATIONS, I WOULD HAVE SAID,
"JIMMY FALLON? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT
THAT WAY "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" --
[ LAUGHTER ] BEST ACTING I CAN DO TO NOT LAUGH AT EVERYTHING.
YOU WERE PHENOMENAL. I WANT TO JUST SAY THIS FOR REAL
NO BITS, NOTHING, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING I JUST WANT TO SAY, IN THIS
SHOW, I LOVE YOU -- I LOVE ALL YOUR WORK. THIS IS SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE
CAN DO YOU DO COMEDY. AND YOU DO DRAMA
AND YOU MAKE ME CRY. AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH. YOU WERE AMAZING IN THE SHOW
AND CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MARTIN SHORT, "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING. REALLY, I CAN'T EVEN TELL
YOU -- I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU. >> THAT IS VERY LOVELY
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW A A CLIP DO YOU WANT TO SET UP THIS
CLIP >> OH, THIS CLIP IS -- IN THE SHOW, I FIND OUT THAT MY SON
MIGHT NOT BE MY DNA SON, AND I'M PANICKED BY IT SO, I GO AND GET A DNA TEST.
AND THIS IS ME ANXIOUSLY WAITING WITH ANXIETY WAITING TO DO THE TEST.
>> Jimmy: HERE WE GO HERE'S MARTIN SHORT IN "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
GREEK. WHICH MEANS I MUST BE GREEK,
NOT IRISH. SURPRISE OF COURSE, IT MAKES, YOU KNOW,
COMPLETE SENSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE GREEKS FOUNDERS OF WESTERN THEATER.
FATHER OF THE PUBLIC BATH HOUSE. SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU JUST MET
>> WE TELL OURSELVES IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE >> AM I NERVOUS THAT MY SON
ISN'T MY SON NOT AT ALL IN FACT, THE ONLY THING I AM
NERVOUS ABOUT IS PRODUCING ENOUGH SPIT FOR THIS TEST BECAUSE MY MOUTH IS SO DRY
RIGHT NOW. ANYONE ELSE HAVE A DRY MOUTH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MARTIN SHORT, EVERYBODY! THE SEASON TWO FINALE OF "ONLY
MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" AIRS TUESDAY ON HULU. MARTIN AND I ARE DOING
SOMETHING FUN AFTER THE BREAK. >> WE ARE? >> Jimmy: YES!
>> I'VE GOT TO LEAVE I'VE GOT TO SPLIT. >> Jimmy: NO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH MARTIN SHORT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THAT IS -- OUCH! >> Jimmy: IT IS TIME
WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH MARTIN SHORT IT IS TIME FOR "SHORT STORIES
WITH MARTIN SHORT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * SHORT STORIES WITH
MARTIN SHORT * >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS HITTING THIS BUTTON HERE,
WHICH WILL GENERATE A RANDOM TOPIC. WE'LL EACH WILL TELL A SHORT
STORY FROM LIVES ABOUT THAT TOPIC. MARTIN, SINCE YOU'RE THE GUEST,
YOU WILL GO FIRST. GO AHEAD AND PRESS THE BUTTON. WE'LL SEE WHAT TOPIC WE WILL BE
DISCUSSING [ BEEPING >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE A STORY
ABOUT MEETING YOUR HEROES? >> YES IN 1979, I WENT TO MY -- THE
FIRST GOLDEN GLOBES, FIRST TIME I HAD BEEN TO AN AWARD SHOW. I WAS 29
AND I WAS IN A TV SHOW AND I WENT OVER, THERE WAS AL PACINO SITTING THERE.
[ GASPING I WENT OVER THERE. I WENT OVER THERE.
I WAS IN A TUX, AND I WENT, "MR. PACINO, I JUST -- MY NAME IS MARTIN SHORT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY TO YOU THAT YOU ARE THE PINNACLE TO ACTORS YOU ARE THE GREATEST GENIUS
THAT -- AND YOU ARE -- YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION." AND HE WENT, "THANKS
I ORDERED A STOLI ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WONDERING IF YOU COULD -- HE THOUGHT I WAS A WAITER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HE THOUGHT I WAS THE WAITER. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO TELL THE STORY
ABOUT -- I MET YOU AT A "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AFTER-PARTY.
[ AUDIENCE [ AUDIENCE AWS ] AND --
>> WELL, YOU'RE GOING -- YOU'RE GOING TO WIN [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I'M -- I'M VERY COMPETITIVE. BUT I REMEMBER MEETING YOU AT
AN AFTER-PARTY, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU. I WAS SO NERVOUS
AND SO, WHAT I DID IS I JUST STARED AT YOU FROM ACROSS THE ROOM
[ LAUGHTER ] FOR THE WHOLE PARTY. AND I JUST KEPT LOOKING.
AND THEN YOU LOOK OVER SOME -- YOU WERE WITH NANCY, YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE
AND YOU JUST -- YOU LOOKED OVER AND I'D BE LIKE THAT OR, YOU KNOW, OR WHATEVER.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN EVENTUALLY, I THINK YOU JUST --
>> AND NANCY SAID, "SHOULD WE INVITE THE PUPPY DOG OVER? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND SHE BROUGHT ME OVER, AND I WAS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU." [ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE THAT I WAS DOING LINES
FROM -- HOLLYWOOD. I WAS, LIKE, RECITING LINES FROM YOUR BITS
>> I REMEMBER THAT VIVIDLY >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, GOOD. OKAY, YEAH
THAT WAS A TIME WHEN YOU -- >> THAT'S A GOOD ONE >> Jimmy: NEXT TOPIC, HERE WE
GO [ BEEPING >> Jimmy: I'M GOING TO PUT UP
A STORY ABOUT THIS OH [ AUDIENCE OOHS
NO, I'VE NEVER MET YOU IN THE WHITE HOUSE, SO THIS WON'T BE ABOUT YOU.
>> YEAH. I MET GEORGE W. BUSH THE FIRST TIME I'D BEEN TO THE
WHITE HOUSE. AND I WAS VERY NERVOUS AND HE CAME IN AND HE TOOK MY
HAND, AND HE SAID, "WELCOME TO THIS HOUSE." [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN HE WENT, "WELCOME TO THIS HOUSE." AND WHEN HE TURNED, HE WAS
COMPLETELY CROSS-EYED BECAUSE HIS EYES WERE VERY CLOSE [ LAUGHTER ]
SO IT WAS "WELCOME TO THIS HOUSE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ LAUGHTER ] WAY TOO CLOSE. >> Jimmy: I CAN'T TOP THAT ONE
OKAY THAT'S A GOOD ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE. I GOT INVITED TO DO STANDUP, OPEN UP FOR THE FOO FIGHTERS
FOR -- ON THE FOURTH OF JULY OUTSIDE ON THE EAST LAWN FOR VETERANS
AND I WENT THERE AND I WENT THERE I WAS SO NERVOUS TO MEET -- THE
PRESIDENT IS OBAMA BARACK OBAMA AND MICHELLE OBAMA
AND I GOT SO NERVOUS I SAID, "I'M GOING TO BRING MY BEST SUIT.
AND MY BEST SUIT, IT WAS A A THREE PIECE SUIT SO I WORE A THREE-PIECE SUIT
IT WAS THE FOURTH OF JULY. PROBABLY - [ LAUGHTER ]
100, 105 DEGREES >> YEAH, EXACTLY >> Jimmy: AND I'M GETTING THERE
AND I'M JUST SWEATING. IT IS A DISASTER THE FOO FIGHTERS GET OFF
THEY'RE THING AND THEY'RE WEARING BOARD SHORTS AND DUDE WAS LIKE, "HEY, JIMMY
YOU -- YOU'RE HOT. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I WAS GOING TO GO, "YEAH,
MAN. I'M READY TO MEET THE PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW?
I'M, LIKE, TRYING NOT TO PASS OUT. AND SO, I DO MY BIT.
I'M JUST TOTALLY JUST DRENCHED AND I -- FINALLY, THEY MAKE YOU WAIT IN LINE TO GET YOUR
PICTURE TAKEN WITH THE FIRST LADY AND THE PRESIDENT >> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: AND I'M WAITING IN LINE TO GO SEE THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY, AND I
FINALLY -- I FINALLY GET UP TO THE FRONT OF THE THING AND I'M JUST A DISASTER.
AND THEY BOTH START LAUGHING AT ME [ LAUGHTER ]
AND MICHELLE OBAMA LOOSENS MY TIE AND SHE'S LIKE, "MY GOD, YOU MUST BE HOT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I GO -- AND THEN I'M JUST -- SHE SAID I
LOOKED LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO PASS OUT AND LOOKS AT THE PRESIDENT AND I GO -- HE GOES, "JIMMY,
DIDN'T YOU GET THE MEMO? IT'S A BARBECUE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
LET'S GET TO OUR FINAL TOPIC THIS LAST ROUND IS WORTH 1,000 POINTS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ BEEPING TOM HANKS.
OH, CAN I TELL -- I'LL TELL MY TOM HANKS STORY FIRST? >> YEAH.
BY THE WAY, IT'S PRONOUNCED "TOM HANK. THE "S" IS SILENT.
THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT IT GO AHEAD
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY DOES THAT COUNT AS YOUR STORY?
>> IT SHOULD, BUT IT WON'T >> Jimmy: TOM -- TOM HANKS WAS NICE ENOUGH TO CAST ME IN "BAND
OF BROTHERS. THIS IS AN AMAZING MINISERIES ON HBO
>> SO, HE'D SEEN "FEVER PITCH" [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: NO
HE'S NOT SEEN ANY OF MY WORK UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT. >> OH, OKAY.
>> Jimmy: AND SO, WE'RE DOING THIS SINCE WORLD WAR II AND IT'S REALLY AMAZING MINISERIES
IF YOU EVER SEE IT AND SO, I'M IN -- IN ONLY ONE EPISODE.
I HAVE ONE LINE. I GO, LIKE, "GOOD LUCK, BOYS." YOU KNOW
AND I HAVE TO PULL UP IN A A JEEP I GO, "GREAT."
AND HE GOES, "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE STICK?" I GO, "I DON'T
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE AUTOMATIC. I'M TERRIBLE."
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S LEARN HOW TO DO IT
IT'S A WORLD WAR II JEEP." I GO, "OKAY. SO YOU GOT TO GO IN, YOU GOT TO
PUT IT AND MAKE SURE IT'S IN NEUTRAL, PUSH IN THE CLUTCH, TURN IT ON, TURN THE THING,
START IT UP, PUT IT IN FIRST, GET -- GET RID OF THE CLUTCH AS YOU
PUSH THE GAS AND TAKE OFF. [ LAUGHTER ] AGAIN, I HAVE ONE LINE
OKAY [ LAUGHTER ] SO I GO -- OKAY, SO IT TOOK,
LIKE, AN HOUR TO DO THIS THING, YOU KNOW AND IT'S JUST AWFUL.
IT'S JUST RUINING THE BUZZ AND EVERYTHING SO I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO
GO AND HOW TO GET GOING. AND SO, I'M GOING. AND TOM IS LIKE, "OKAY, THIS IS
A DISASTER." I GO, "LET'S DRIVE AROUND AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
HE GOES, "'CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO WAIT FOR NIGHTFALL FOR YOUR SCENE.
I GO, "WE'RE DOING THIS AT NIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
SO -- AND SO, NOW I'VE GOT TO TURN HEADLIGHTS ON OKAY
SO, SOMEHOW THEY FIGURE OUT -- SO THE STUNT DOUBLE -- SOMEONE DRIVES MY JEEP DOWN, DOES MY
JEEP DRIVING AND SO, I'M IN THE THING AND I'VE GOT TO DO MY LINES.
THIS IS MY CAMERA. AND I GO -- I GO, "GOOD LUCK, BOYS."
AND THEN I GO, "CLICK, ON, NEUTRAL, THING, CLUTCH, THING, HEADLIGHTS, ON, LIKE, GOOD
LUCK." IT'S AWFUL IT COULDN'T BE WORSE, RIGHT?
WAIT SO, IT'S TERRIBLE. SO, THEY YELL CUT.
TOM'S LIKE, "EVERYTHING OKAY, BUDDY? IS THERE --
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I GO, "YEAH, IT'S FINE I'M DRIVING IN THIS AND THERE'S
LIKE -- AND THERE'S 200 EXTRAS AND SOLDIERS WERE WALKING AROUND
AND I GO, "I'M TOTALLY EMBARRASSED. HE GOES, "HERE'S WHAT YOU DO
SAY YOUR LINE, PRESS THE CLUTCH, AND I'M GOING TO HAVE SOMEONE PUSH THE JEEP --
[ LAUGHTER ] -- OUT OF THE FRAME," OKAY AND SO I GO, "OKAY, GREAT.
AND SO, I GO THERE AND I'M SO NERVOUS. >> NO.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, I'M NERVOUS I'M GOING TO DO THIS THING AND I GOT, YOU KNOW, FAKE DIRT
ON MY FACE AND ALL THIS STUFF AND I'M WEARING A HAT AS A A SOLDIER AND I GO, "GOOD LUCK,
BOYS." AND I FORGET TO PRESS THE CLUTCH, WHICH MEANS THE WHEELS
WON'T MOVE [ LAUGHTER ] SO, THERE'S TWO GUYS PUSHING
THE JEEP [ LAUGHTER ] PUSHING THE JEEP
AND IF YOU -- MY FACE IS GOING -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OUT OF THE -- OUT OF THE FRAME >> OH, THAT'S GOOD >> Jimmy: AND IF YOU WATCH THE
MINISERIES, THEY ADDED JEEP SOUND EFFECTS. SO I GO --
[ LAUGHTER ] I GO, "GOOD LUCK, BOYS." AND YOU HEAR --
[ IMITATING CAR ENGINE ] [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT.
AND I'VE NEVER WORKED WITH HIM SINCE. SO, THANK YOU.
NO THAT'S MY TOM HANKS STORY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> THAT'S A GOOD STORY >> Jimmy: HE WAS VERY NICE >> THAT'S A GOOD STORY
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A DECENT STORY. >> MY STORY IS THAT A TOM,
STEVE MARTIN, AND OUR FRIEND, WALTER PARKS, AND I DO A ONCE EVERY FOUR-YEAR OR THREE-YEAR
COLONOSCOPY PARTY. [ LAUGHTER ] WE GO TO STEVE'S HOUSE, AND
IT'S ALL SET VERY FORMALLY WITH, LIKE, THE BARIUM [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN WE TOAST EACH OTHER WE CALL IT "COLONOSCOPY EVE. IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OF COURSE. >> AND WE TOAST EACH OTHER
AND -- [ GARGLING ] AND THEN -- THEN TOM SAYS, "WHY
MAKE THAT NOISE? JUST DRINK IT. AND THEN, YOU KNOW, THEN WE
PLAY POKER AND/OR, YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOME, YOU KNOW, "PAM &
TOMMY. YOU KNOW, STEVE'S TAPED STUFF THAT WE CAN WATCH.
AND -- [ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN -- AND HERE'S -- AND
THEN WE SLEEP ALL TOGETHER THROUGH, LIKE, BUNK BEDS LIKE THE STOOGES.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS AND HERE'S THE THING ABOUT STEVE.
YOU WOULD THINK WITH HIS WEALTH, HE WOULDN'T HAVE ONE BATHROOM
SO, BUT HE -- [ LAUGHTER ] AND SO, BY MIDNIGHT, IT LOOKS
LIKE DAY 15 OF A CARNIVAL CRUISE YOU KNOW
THAT BAD [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU ARE THE GREATEST
MARTIN SHORT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> AW, COME ON
>> Jimmy: HE'S THE WINNER. AND THAT IS YOU. YOU ARE A GREAT STORYTELLER.
[ BELL DINGING ] I JUST WANTED TO TRICK YOU INTO TELLING STORIES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> I LOVE YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MARTIN SHORT "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING," SEASON TWO FINALE AIRS THIS
TUESDAY ON HULU. WE'RE TALKING TO JUNO TEMPLE AFTER THE BREAK.
STICK AROUND * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY-NOMINATED ACTRESS WHO STARS IN "TED LASSO," WHICH IS
STREAMING NOW ON APPLE TV PLUS YOU CAN ALSO SEE HER OPPOSITE MILES TELLER IN THE SERIES,
"THE OFFER," WHICH IS AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. PLEASE WELCOME JUNO TEMPLE
* * >> Jimmy: COME ON, NOW
OH, WE'RE EXCITED. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC JUNO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME I'M SO EXCITED
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ALL REAL [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT >> MM-HM
>> Jimmy: FIRST OFF, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "THE OFFER. THIS IS ON PARAMOUNT PLUS.
THIS IS A STORY OF HOW "THE GODFATHER" GOT MADE. I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THESE
STORIES GOING INTO IT. DID YOU? >> NO, NEITHER DID I
I KNEW NOTHING I KNEW -- I -- LIKE, THE FACT THAT THE AMOUNT OF HURDLES, THE
AMOUNT OF COMPLICATIONS, THE AMOUNT OF [ BLEEP ] -- >> Jimmy: YES.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH >> -- THAT WAS THROWN AT EVERYBODY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH EVEN IF YOU WHISPER IT, YOU STILL CAN'T SAY IT
>> CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S
INTERESTING. >> OF SHINDIGS - >> Jimmy: YES, THANK YOU
>> -- THAT WERE THROWN AT THE PRODUCTION THAT ULTIMATELY CREATED ONE OF THE GREATEST
FILMS OF ALL TIME WAS SOMETHING THAT -- YEAH, I REALLY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I LIKE -- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT -- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOUR --
>> THEY DIDN'T WANT -- FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA, YES? >> Jimmy: THEY DIDN'T WANT
FRANCIS FORD OR MARLON BRANDO. >> NO. AND AL PACINO ALMOST GOT FIRED
THESE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE THAT -- I -- THEY MADE ME WANT TO DO THIS JOB
YOU KNOW >> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT WILD? >> YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY.
>> Jimmy: IF YOU THINK ABOUT -- YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES INTO WHAT AND HOW MUCH WORK GOES
INTO EVERYTHING. LIKE, THAT'S "THE GODFATHER. IT'S -
>> AND THE TIME AND THE PASSION AND THE PERSISTENCE AND THE AL RUDDY PLAYED BY THE
EXTRAORDINARY MILES TELLER >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S GREAT >> HE'S JUST -- YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM >> Jimmy: YOU TWO TOGETHER,
COME ON. CAN WE JUST EVEN TALK ABOUT "TED LASSO" FOR A SECOND,
PLEASE CONGRATULATIONS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT IS A GLOBAL -- SECOND EMMY NOMINATION FOR YOU >> IT'S SO CRAZY
>> Jimmy: I MEAN, DID YOU -- BACKSTAGE, YOU WERE SAYING, "YEAH, I DIDN'T -- I DIDN'T
KNOW IF I COULD BE FUNNY OR I DIDN'T THINK THAT -- LIKE, YOU'RE A DRAMATIC ACTOR.
>> I WAS KNOWN DEFINITELY MORE FOR -- YES, YOU KNOW, I'VE PLAYED, LIKE, LESBIAN
WEREWOLVES [ LAUGHTER ] I'VE PLAYED --
>> Jimmy: THAT WILL GET YOU TED CAST YEAH, AND YOU'RE LIKE --
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: BUT WHO CAST YOU JASON SUDEIKIS
>> SO -- HE SENT ME A TEXT AND THERE WAS THIS MOMENT WHERE I THOUGHT, "OH, GOSH
THIS IS GOING TO BE AWKWARD, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE HE HAS TEXTED THE WRONG ACTRESS
AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE BACK AND BE LIKE, "YO, THIS IS JUNO TEMPLE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH YOU SEND A WRONG TEXT, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PART
>> YEAH, I'M SUPER INTO READING -- READING IT. YEAH, YEAH
LET'S DEFINITELY TALK ABOUT IT LATER. AND IT WASN'T A MISTAKE.
AND I THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, HE HAS THIS ABILITY WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WERE CAST IN THE
SHOW TO SEE SOMETHING IN ALL OF US THAT WE DIDN'T NECESSARILY THINK WE HAD IN US AT ALL.
THAT BEING SAID, A LOT OF THE TIMES, I'M TELLING JOKES ON "TED LASSO," I DON'T KNOW
THEY'RE A JOKE [ LAUGHTER ] SO -
>> Jimmy: WELL, GOOD THAT ADDS TO THE MYSTIQUE. >> DEFINITELY.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU FEEL WHAT YOU'VE DONE AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR THE WORLD, BECAUSE
PEOPLE LOVE YOU. I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
LIKE DO PEOPLE TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU YOU'RE A PART OF THE WORLD
DO PEOPLE GET -- COME UP TO YOU AND SAY, "HEY, THANK YOU" OR "I LOVE YOU, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH" OR
ANYTHING OR - >> YEAH, I -- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SOMETIMES THEY DO, ACTUALLY. AND THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I -- WITH THIS SHOW, IT FEELS SO
SPECIAL, BECAUSE YOU GET TO GO, "I'M A FAN TOO." I LOVE BEING A PART OF THE
SHOW BUT THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT
ME AND HANNAH WERE DOING PRESS FOR -- IT WAS FOR SEASON TWO -- WHEN WE WERE FILMING SEASON
TWO, SO A LOT OF IT WAS ON ZOOM AND WE WERE DOING A ZOOM THING
AND THIS LOVELY WOMAN WAS INTERVIEWING US, AND SHE JUST SAID TO US BOTH THAT SHE WAS
PROUD TO SHOW THIS SHOW TO HER DAUGHTER WHEN SHE GREW UP, BECAUSE IT WAS SO IMPORTANT TO
SEE TWO WOMEN WHO REALLY, ACTUALLY, ARE BEST FRIENDS AND WHO ROOT FOR EACH OTHER IN
A WAY THAT IS GENUINELY ABOUT SEEING THE OTHER ONE BLOSSOM AND BE THE BEST THAT THEY CAN
BE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. BUT ALSO CALL EACH OTHER OUT WHEN NECESSARY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: EXACTLY. SEE?
>> YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE SO IMPORTANT. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW A
A CLIP HERE'S JUNO TEMPLE IN "TED LASSO.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT TO ME.
>> I'M NOT JUST SAYING IT. I'M SERIOUS. THAT BABY'S WHACK.
I HATE IT. >> I LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE YOU TOO.
I'M HERE FOR YOU, WHATEVER YOU NEED >> I KNOW.
>> I WON'T LEAVE YOUR SIDE >> JONES >> SASSY
OH, MY GOD HI >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO, RIGHT
THERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE JUNO TEMPLE, EVERYONE.
"TED LASSO" IS ON APPLE TV PLUS CHECK OUT "THE OFFER" ON
PARAMOUNT PLUS WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A A PERFORMANCE FROM DEMI LOVATO
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: PERFORMING "29" FROM THEIR NEW ALBUM, "HOLY F," GIVE
IT UP FOR DEMI LOVATO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* PETAL ON THE VINE
TOO YOUNG TO DRINK WIN JUST FIVE YEARS A BLEEDE STUDENT AND A TEACHER *
* FAR FROM INNOCENT WHAT THE -- CONSEN NUMBERS TOLD YOU NOT T
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU * * FINALLY 2 FUNNY, JUST LIKE YOU WER
AT THE TIM THOUGHT IT WAS A * * TEENAGE DREAM
A FANTAS BUT WAS IT YOURS OR WAS IT MINE *
* 17, 2 OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-O HAD ME IN YOUR GRI
WENT BEAUTIFULLY WITH * * ALL MY DADDY ISSUES AND THIS -- CONTINUE
I SEE YOU'RE QUITE THE COLLECTOR * * YEAH YOU'RE 12 YEAR
HER ELDE MAYBE NOW IT DOESN'T MATTER *
* BUT I KNOW -- BETTE YEAH I KNOW -- BETTE FINALLY 29
FUNNY JUST LIKE YOU WERE * * AT THE TIME THOUGHT IT WAS A
TEENAGE DREA A FANTASY * * BUT WAS IT YOUR
OR WAS IT MINE 17, 29 OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH *
* 17, 2 OH-OH-OH OH-OH-O FINALLY 29
17 WOULD NEVER * * CROSS MY MIND THOUGHT IT WAS A
TEENAGE DREA A FANTASY * * BUT IT WAS YOUR
IT WASN'T MINE 17, 29 OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH *
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: DEMI LOVATO, "HOLY F"
IS OUT NOW MY THANKS TO MARTIN SHORT, JUNO TEMPLE, DEMI LOVATO, ONCE
AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE,
FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY
BYE-BYE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE