>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - KALEY CUOC
MIKE BIRBIGLIA MUSICAL GUEST ARI LENNOX AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1713 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
* *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WELCOME. HEY. NICE TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE "THE TONIGHT SHOW,"
EVERYBODY. YOU'RE HERE, YOU MADE IT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE GOT A GREAT NEW YORK CITY CROWD. WELL, GUYS, IT'S A BUSY TIME IN
NEW YORK CITY BECAUSE LEADERS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD ARE IN TOWN FOR THE U.N. GENERAL
ASSEMBLY YEAH AND I JUST WANT TO SAY ON
BEHALF OF ALL NEW YORKERS, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A ZOOM [ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING? TWO AND A HALF HOURS AGO, THREE BLOCKS
WHAT ARE WE DOING, PEOPLE? YEAH, THIS IS THE FIRST IN-PERSON GENERAL ASSEMBLY
SINCE THE PANDEMIC THAT'S RIGHT OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS, THE
U.N. HAS BEEN HOME TO THE WORLD'S LARGEST SPIRIT HALLOWEEN.
[ LAUGHTER ] FUN FACT, FUN FACT, FUN FACT THAT'S RIGHT
TODAY, LEADERS FROM 193 NATIONS FLEW INTO NEW YORK ON PRIVATE JETS AND DROVE INTO THE U.N. IN
HUGE MOTORCADES, ALL WITH ONE SHARED GOAL, TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE
[ LAUGHTER ] HONESTLY, I LOVE WHEN THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY IS IN SESSION
THERE'S NO GREATER JOY THAN WATCHING THE KING OF NORWAY GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH HIS
UBER DRIVER. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST MAGIC.
THERE'S A MAGIC SPIRIT IN THE AIR. FOR SEVERAL DAYS THERE WILL BE
DOZENS OF SPEECHES AT THE U.N. AND THE AFTER-PARTY, RON DeSANTIS IS TRANSPORTING
ALL THE FOREIGN LEADERS TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD. [ LAUGHTER ]
ISN'T THAT NICE? THAT'S NICE. VERY THOUGHTFUL.
[ APPLAUSE ] ACTUALLY, TOMORROW PRESIDENT BIDEN WILL SPEAK AT
THE U.N. HE'S PART OF THE LONG LINEUP OF LEADERS FROM ACROSS THE WORLD
WHO WOULD BE MAKING REMARKS. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT THEIR SPEECHES ARE ABOUT
FOR INSTANCE, HERE'S THE PRESIDENT OF PORTUGAL. YEP, HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT HOW
EVERY DINNER PARTY HE ATTENDS TURNS INTO A MURDER MYSTERY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: I WOULDN'T KNOW. NEXT UP, HERE'S THE PRESIDENT
OF SOUTH KOREA HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT ALL THE HOT GOSS FROM THE "DON'T WORRY
DARLING" PRESS TOUR. [ LAUGHTER ] NEXT UP, HERE'S THE LEADER OF
FINLAND. HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT REACTING TO GOOD NEWS BY SAYING, "MM, YES?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE NEXT UP, HERE'S THE PRESIDENT OF BRAZIL.
HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT HOW EASY IT IS TO STEEL SASHES FROM GIRL SCOUTS
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT EASY.
IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT EASY. NEXT UP, HERE'S THE LEADER OF GERMANY.
HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT THAT TIME HE SPENT PLAYING THE DAD ON "THAT '70s SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LOTS OF SPEECHES HERE'S THE PRESIDENT OF LATVIA
HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT MUSTACHES THAT AGE SLOWER THAN THE REST OF YOUR HEAD
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE HERE'S THE PRESIDENT OF CHILE. HE'S SPEAKING ABOUT LOOKING
MORE LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF ROYAL CARIBBEAN CRUISE LINES [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
AND FINALLY, HERE'S JOE BIDEN. HE'S THINKING ABOUT THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN AND GETTING
YOUR PET SPAYED OR NEUTERED. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE *
>> Steve: COME ON DOWN >> Jimmy: DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS YESTERDAY AT THE QUEEN'S
FUNERAL? PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS THERE. HE WAS SEATED IN THE 14th ROW.
WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP NOTICED. AND HE SAID "IF I WERE
PRESIDENT, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE SAT ME BACK THERE. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, AT FUNERALS, TRUMP DEMANDS TO BE SEATED DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE COFFIN OR HE
WON'T SHOW UP. [ LAUGHTER ] "I GOT TO BE RIGHT THERE
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T CARE IF IT'S OPEN OR CLOSED."
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, BIDEN WAS IN THE 14TH ROW.
EVEN WORSE HE GOT STUCK BEHIND ONE OF THE ROYAL GUARDS WITH THE GIANT, FUZZY HATS.
HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHY EVEN INVITE ME? BUT THAT WASN'T ALL THAT TRUMP
HAD TO SAY WHERE BIDEN WAS SEATED HE ALSO SAID, "IN REAL ESTATE,
LIKE IN POLITICS AND IN LIFE, LOCATION IS EVERYTHING." BIDEN WAS LIKE, "HE'S RIGHT,
WHETHER IT'S FUNERALS OR CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, LOCATION IS EVERYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] YOU'RE CORRECT, IT IS
EVERYTHING PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS. THE CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER OF
BEYOND MEAT -- THIS IS A REAL STORY -- WAS JUST ARRESTED FOR A STRANGE
REASON CHECK THIS OUT
>> THE COO OF BEYOND MEAT IS
FACING CHARGES FOR BITING A MAN'S NOSE AFTER A FOOTBALL GAME IN ARKANSAS
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: AND IN A BLIND TASTE TEST, HE SAID HE COULDN'T TELL
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NOSE AND A BEYOND MEAT NOSE [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CAN'T EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE WELL, SWITCHING GEARS, I HEARD THAT THE LATEST GEN Z FASHION
TREND IS WEARING JEANS WITH THE BUTTON UNDONE. YEAH, WHICH MEANS AFTER
THANKSGIVING DINNER, EVERY UNCLE IS GOING TO BE LIKE, "OH, I LOOK LIKE GIGI FREAKING HADID
OVER HERE. WHAT AM I DOING? HEY!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AND FINALLY GUYS, IT IS TUESDAY.
IT IS TIME FOR "WETWEET. HERE WE GO
* WETWEET
WETWEET * >> Jimmy: WELCOME TO "WETWEET. THIS IS WHERE WE AS A GROUP
DECIDE SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULD POST ON TWITTER. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU FIVE
DIFFERENT TWEETS AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO VOTE ON WHETHER YOU LIKE EACH ONE OR
NOT. YOU ALL HAVE VOTING CLICKERS AT YOUR SEATS
YOU CAN ALL -- YOU CAN VOTE FOR ALL OF THEM. YOU CAN VOTE FOR NONE OF THEM.
WHATEVER YOU WANT, WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE RESULTS LIVE. HIGGINS, ROOTS, DO YOU GUYS
HAVE YOUR CLICKERS WHATEVER TWEET GETS THE MOST LIKES, WE'LL TWEET IT OUT LIVE
ON THE SHOW SO YOU CAN ALL LIKE IT AND "WETWEET" IT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A SHARED EXPERIENCE ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS? [ CHEERS ]
OKAY, GOOD ALL RIGHT, THE FIRST TWEET IS -
"CHIPS AND SALSA ARE BASICALLY A TEASER TRAILER FOR MEXICAN FOOD."
>> Steve: TEPID. * >> Jimmy: TEPID REACTION
* >> Steve: YEAH THIS IS THE FIRST MASKLESS
"WETWEET." >> Jimmy: WELL, YEAH I GOT A DECENT LAUGH UP TOP AND
THEN - [ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER >> Jimmy: FIZZLED YEAH, YEAH
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY'RE COMING FROM. ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE
EVERYONE DONE? THE VOTES ARE IN LET'S SEE THE RESULTS ON THIS
ONE. >> Steve: OOH. >> Jimmy: YEAH, HALF AND HALF.
HALF AND HALF. GOOD, I APPRECIATE THE HONESTY, THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS NEXT ONE HERE IS -- "INSTEAD OF A BIBLE, EVERY
HOTEL ROOM NEEDS AN iPHONE CHARGER THAT REACHES THE BED." [ CHEERS ]
THAT'S -- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE SO CLOSE. IT'S THIS CLOSE.
LIKE, OOH, ANOTHER -- COME ON, JUST MOVE THE TABLE. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
THIS ONE, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ON THIS ONE LET'S SEE THE RESULTS ON THIS
ONE. WHOA [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Steve: DON'T GO FOR HUMOR, JUST GO FOR TRUTH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> Steve: PREACH PREACH
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS BOTH TRUTHFUL AND HUMOROUS. >> Steve: MIGHT BE A WORLD
RECORD, 194. >> Jimmy: IS IT? I THINK WE CAN BEAT IT
>> Steve: ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> Jimmy: YEAH, I THINK WE CAN
BEAT IT. >> Steve: I BELIEVE YOU. >> Jimmy: I'M NOT SURE IF THIS
ONE'S THE ONE, BUT MAYBE [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: NOT THIS WEEK, BUT -
>> Jimmy: NEXT ONE HERE SAYS, "TAHINI IS THE ONLY SAUCE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S LAUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ] JUST SAY YES JUST TO BE NICE >> Steve: COME ON.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW -- COME ON, TARIQ. >> Tariq: I DID, I DID
>> Jimmy: TAHINI TAHINI >> Steve: TEE HEE HEE.
>> Jimmy: TAHINI >> Steve: TEHITI >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE
THE RESULTS HERE OH, MY GOODNESS, TERRIBLE. NO ONE LIKED THAT AT ALL
AWFUL. FORGET THAT ONE EVER HAPPENED. >> Steve: YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: LET'S CHECK OUT THE NEXT ONE HERE.
THIS ONE SAYS, "WHY AREN'T MUSTACHES CALLED MOUTH BROWS?" [ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON, THINK ABOUT IT. * >> Steve: YEAH, MAKES SENSE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH I THINK THIS ONE IS GOING TO DO OKAY
IT'S NOT GOING TO BEAT 194, THOUGH >> Steve: BUT IT'S GOING TO BE
DEC. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I CAN TELL BECAUSE THE AUDIENCE WOULD KIND
OF STILL BE LAUGHING >> Steve: RIGHT, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
THEY STOPPED LAUGHING QUICK. >> Jimmy: -- DEAD SILENCE, YEAH
THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH THE LIKED THAT ONE BUT LET'S SEE THE RESULTS.
HERE WE GO OH, NOT BAD. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* NOT BAD. NOT BAD.
>> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: IT'S STILL -- THE iPHONE CHARGER IS THE ONE.
iPHONE CHARGER IN THE HOTEL ROOM IS THE ONE SO FAR BUT THIS IS THE ONE RIGHT HERE,
I THINK, MIGHT SHATTER THE RECORD >> Steve: YOU SERIOUS?
>> Jimmy: MAYBE. >> Steve: I'M READY. >> Jimmy: WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU
>> Questlove: YES RIGHT NOW? >> Jimmy: WELL, I DIDN'T SAY IT YET.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Tariq: I HAVE THAT MUCH FAITH IN YOU
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU THIS LAST ONE IS -- "LOOK, I LOVE MY DOG, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN
I ASK 'WHO'S A GOOD BOY,' I WANT HIM TO SAY 'YOU.' [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: COME ON, WE CAN BEAT IT WE CAN BEAT 194.
>> Jimmy: COME ON, WE CAN BEAT 194. JUST WANT THE DOG TO GO, "HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A GOOD BOY. FINALLY -- "YOU KNOW WHO'S A
A GOOD BOY YOU ARE. YEAH
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS I DON'T KNOW LET'S SEE THE RESULTS.
HERE WE GO * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: NUMBER TWO IS THE CORRECT TWEET, THE iPHONE CHARGER STILL HAD 194.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ DINGING HOTELS NEED AN iPHONE CHARGER
THAT REACHES THE BED I'M GOING TO POST THIS DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK
IF YOU SEE IT ON YOUR FEED, GIVE IT A LIKE, GIVE IT A WETWEET AND ENJOY.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FROM THE MOVIE "MEET CUTE," KALEY CUOCO IS HERE TONIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMEDIANS, COMEDIAN AND ACTOR
MIKE BIRBIGLIA IS ON THE SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG NEWS FROM MIKE
AND WE GOT GREAT MUSIC FROM ARI LENNOX ON THE SHOW TONIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
STICK AROUND WE'LL COME BACK AND PLAY "VIRTUAL REALITY PICTIONARY"
WITH KALEY CUOCO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> A FACE, A NOSE, A MOUTH UH, HAIR SQUIGGLY HAIR.
>> Jimmy: QUARTERBACK. >> QUARTERBACK [ LAUGHTER ]
PONYTAIL >> Tariq: YES. [ DINGING
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE "THE TONIGHT SHOW. I'M HERE WITH OUR VERY OWN
TARIQ TROTTER FROM THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND WE'RE GOING TO PLAY "VIRTUAL REALITY PICTIONARY.
HERE WE GO
* VIRTUAL REALITY PICTIONARY *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO NEED MORE PLAYERS.
JOINING MY TEAM IS AN AWARD-WINNING WRITER AND COMEDIAN, WHO HAS A NEW ONE-MAN
SHOW, "THE OLD MAN AND THE POOL." GIVE IT UP FOR MIKE BIRBIGLIA!
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> GOOD GAME
>> Tariq: GOOD LUCK. YES. >> Jimmy: JOINING TARIQ'S TEAM, IS AN EMMY-NOMINATED
ACTRESS AND STAR OF THE NEW MOVIE "MEET CUTE." PREMIERING TOMORROW EXCLUSIVELY
ON PEACOCK, PLEASE WELCOME KALEY CUOCO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> I'M NERVOUS >> Tariq: YOU GOT THIS
DON'T BE, DON'T BE >> Jimmy: THE GAME WORKS EXACTLY LIKE PICTIONARY, EXCEPT
THE PERSON WHO IS DRAWING WILL BE WEARING ONE OF THESE VIRTUAL REALITY HEADSETS AND DRAWING IN
IN 3D SPACE USING A PROGRAM CALLED TILT BRUSH. OKAY, WE'LL BE ABLE TO SEE
THEIR POINT OF VIEW ON THE BIG SCREEN BEHIND US I WILL GO FIRST.
YOU GUYS CAN ALL TAKE YOUR SEATS. MIKE, THIS IS FOR ME AND YOU,
BUD. WHAT NUMBER SHALL I CHOOSE >> FIVE!
>> Jimmy: WOW. [ LAUGHTER ] >> FIVE.
>> CAME IN STRONG. SHE CAME IN STRONG >> Jimmy: WOW, THAT'S
SOMEONE -- IT'S NOT RIGGED. WE'VE NEVER MET EACH OTHER
CAME IN HOT. NO ONE ELSE YELLED THEY'RE LIKE -
SHE WAS LIKE, "FIVE! [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT.
>> NUMMEROLOGY FANS. >> Jimmy: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY >> Tariq: GIVE IT UP
GIVE IT UP, MAN. >> Jimmy: NO, HOLD ON. WHEN YOU SEE THIS YOU'RE GOING
TO FREAK OUT BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT. READY? READY BUD?
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO UM. >> Tariq: TERRIBLE
[ LAUGHTER ] >> TERRIBLE. >> CIRCLE.
PUMPKIN. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, SORRY
OKAY NOTHING. THAT WAS NOTHING
THIS IS A SKULL OF SOME KIND THIS IS A PIPE, SMOKING A PIPE A WORLD, SOME KIND OF WORLD --
A BEARD! A BEARD AND GOGGLES AND, LIKE, A HELMET
IT'S A HELMET THAT YOU WEAR FOR BICYCLING, OR SKI JUMPING, OR -
OH FOOTBALL FOOTBALL HELMET!
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A HELMET. IT'S A HELMET.
IS IT A SPORT WHERE YOU WEAR A A HELMET [ BUZZER ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [ SAD TUBA ] >> Tariq: THAT WAS AWESOME.
>> WELL DONE >> Jimmy: QUARTERBACK. >> OH, QUARTERBACK
>> Jimmy: YEAH, SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE USED THIS SPACE MORE. SORRY ABOUT THAT
TARIQ, YOU'RE UP NEXT. SHOW KALEY HOW YOU DO IT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
PICK YOUR NUMBER FIRST. >> Tariq: WHAT NUMBER ARE WE GOING FOR?
>> TWO! [ AUDIENCE SHOUTING >> Tariq: OKAY, EASY EASY PEAZY
ALL RIGHT. COOL. >> THIS IS THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO BEING IN A
A RAVE [ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S SOMETHING.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, TARIQ >> Tariq: YEAH, OKAY, COOL
>> NICE. CIRCLE FACE
>> Reporter: WHAT IS THIS? SUBJECT, WHAT IS THIS? >> A FACE, A NOSE, A MOUTH
>> Jimmy: TARIQ, WHAT SUBJECT IS THIS? >> Tariq: IT'S A THING
>> HAIR? SQUIGGLY HAIR. >> Jimmy: QUARTERBACK.
>> A QUARTERBACK PONYTAIL >> Tariq: YES. [ DINGS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> GOOD JOB!
>> Tariq: WE DID IT! >> OH, MY GOD. >> WAS IT PONYTAIL
>> Jimmy: PONYTAIL ALL RIGHT. >> Tariq: SEE, SYNERGY.
>> OH, MAN >> Tariq: THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY. [ AUDIENCE SHOUTING >> I HEARD TWO
I HEARD TWO. I HEARD TWO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YOU GOT THE CROWN ON YOUR SIDE. YOU GOT THE CROWD ON YOUR SIDE
WE GOT THIS, BUD COME ON. >> IT'S A THING.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, A THING. >> I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. >> Jimmy: THAT BREAKS IT DOWN VERY
EASILY IT'S A THING OKAY, HERE WE GO
IT'S A HEART LOVE IT'S A CHERRY.
IT'S A JACK-O'-LANTERN >> YES, IT IS. [ DINGS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: WOW, THAT WAS GOOD
>> I HAVE BROKEN THE GAME! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I WIN!
I JUST WENT FROM VIRTUAL REALITY INTO REALITY >> Jimmy: YES, I KNOW.
IT CHANGES A MAN KALEY, THAT'S FOR YOU. >> I'M GOING TO TAKE THESE OFF
BECAUSE YOU ALMOST LITERALLY DIED IT'S LIKE VERY DANGEROUS
>> Jimmy: VERY DANGEROUS AND SLIPPERY THANK YOU, THANK YOU
OKAY >> OKAY, WAIT, WHICH NUMBER, GUYS
[ AUDIENCE SHOUTING >> ONE THREE, THREE
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY IT'S A THING IT'S A THING
>> Tariq: A PUZZLE [ LAUGHTER ] IS IT -- IS IT A MAP
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT THIS? YOU'RE FANTASTIC AT THIS
>> OH, IT MOVES. >> Jimmy: YOU CAN MOVE AROUND TOO, KALEY
MAKE IT THREE DIMENSIONAL. >> Tariq: A MAP. >> Jimmy: TARIQ, HOW ARE YOU
NOT GETTING THIS >> Tariq: A BAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS GOOD TARIQ, GUESS >> Tariq: A HAUNTED HOUSE.
>> Jimmy: YES. THIS IS GOOD, TARIQ. TARIQ, GO WITH IT.
>> FREE ASSOCIATE. YOU GOT TO FREE ASSOCIATE. >> Tariq: THE FOREST
>> YOU'RE GETTING THERE. YOU'RE WARM, YOU'RE WARM >> Tariq: THE JUNGLE
>> YOU ARE SO CLOSE. [ BUZZER ] [ SAD TUBA ] [ APPLAUSE
>> Tariq: OH >> DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A GUESS >> Jimmy: NO
>> Tariq: I HAVE NO IDEA >> A CORN MAZE >> Jimmy: FANTASTIC.
>> IT'S A MAZE >> Jimmy: THAT WAS SO GOOD >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: KALEY, IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL ROUND AND IT'S GOING TO BE A SHOWDOWN
MIKE, YOU'RE GOING TO DRAW THIS >> I'M DRAWING
OKAY >> Jimmy: NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL IF TARIQ OR KALEY GETS IT
BEFORE ME, THEY WIN THE GAME >> OH, GOSH. >> WE CAN ALL GUESS?
>> Jimmy: YES, YOU GUYS CAN STILL WIN THIS [ AUDIENCE SHOUTING
>> WHAT NUMBER WHAT NUMBER? I HEAR FOUR I HEAR FOUR, OKAY.
OH, WOW. >> MY GOD. MY GOD
>> Jimmy: WE'VE GOT THIS, BUDDY. >> MY GOD.
>> Jimmy: WE GOT THIS. >> THE THEME IS THING. IS THIS RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: I ALREADY SEE AN IMAGE. >> NO WE LOST IT
WAIT >> THERE WE GO >> WAIT, NO?
>> >> Jimmy: MIKE, I THINK YOU'RE HAVING A STROKE >> EVERYONE CAN SEE IT
>> Jimmy: HEY, GUYS, THIS IS PERFECT, FOR THE FINAL ROUND >> OLD SCHOOL.
>> OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD >> Jimmy: FOR THE FINAL ROUND,
WE'RE GOING OLD SCHOOL, OKAY THIS IS A MARKER THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT RIGHT
HERE THIS IS HOW WE DO PICTIONARY HERE WE GO
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: CAN YOU SAY IF IT'S A THING.
>> IT'S A THING AGAIN. >> Tariq: WE'D LIKE TO SEE IT ON THIS SIDE TOO
>> THANK YOU >> IT'S A THING. JIMMY, IF YOU DON'T GET THIS,
THEN IT'S ON YOU [ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU DON'T GET THIS THEN IT'S
ON YOU >> Tariq: STOP IT, STOP IT >> Jimmy: AND IT'S ON ME
>> Tariq: GREAT. OKAY, COOL THE RIDDLE
>> Jimmy: READY? AND GO EGG!
>> CANDY CANE. >> Tariq: DINOSAUR >> HORSESHOE
>> Jimmy: PICTURE. >> ICED TEA. >> Tariq: TRUMPET.
SAXOPHONE. >> Jimmy: TURKEY >> OH YEAH, TURKEY LEG
>> Jimmy: PEACOCK! [ DINGS ] * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> WELL DONE, WELL DONE. >> Jimmy: IT'S ALL IN THE FAMILY
ALL IN THE FAMILY. >> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO KALEY CUOCO, MIKE BIRBIGLIA.
MORE WITH KAYLEY AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY!
OLD SCHOOL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] *
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE MEETING THE VERY CUTE PETE DAVIDSON. >> YES
MEETING HIM IN REAL LIFE WAS AN INTERESTING SITUATION. I FIND OUT THAT HE WOULD LIKE
TO MEET ME, BUT HE WANTED TO MEET ME IN AN ESCAPE ROOM. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT PETE, NOT EVERYONE HAS TO END UP ON 'TMZ.'
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE "THE TONIGHT SHOW.
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN
EMMY-NOMINATED ACTOR SHE STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE "MEET CUTE," WHICH PREMIERES
TOMORROW, EXCLUSIVELY ON PEACOCK. EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME
KALEY CUOCO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC
>> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK >> THANK YOU SO MUCH
>> Jimmy: IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. >> I KNOW.
LAST TIME I WAS ON ZOOM WITH YOU. >> Jimmy: ZOOM, WE WERE
ZOOMING. BUT I APPRECIATE YOU DOING THAT FOR US
>> AND NO MASKS. >> Jimmy: NOW WE'RE NO MASKS, THE PEOPLE ARE HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> THIS IS AMAZING HI, GUYS
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC >> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: I'M HAPPY YOU'RE
HERE, AND I ASKED YOU TO PLAY "VR PICTIONARY" TONIGHT. >> YES, I --
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE VERY NICE YOU SAID YES, BUT YOU WERE VERY HONEST AND YOU SAID, "I JUST
WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, I'M TERRIBLE AT DRAWING. >> THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS
THAT GIVE ME MAJOR ANXIETY, AND DRAWING IS ONE OF THEM I AM TERRIBLE AT DRAWING
I CANNOT DRAW A STICK FIGURE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YOU -- WELL, TO PROVE
THIS, YOU BROUGHT A PHOTO THAT YOU DREW >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY >> WELL, WAIT, LET ME GIVE CONTEXT.
>> Jimmy: BEFORE WE SEE IT, YEAH >> SO, DURING COVID, MY FRIEND
GROUP, WE WERE DOING ALL THESE ONLINE GAMES TOGETHER. >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND A LOT WAS PICTIONARY, AND CHARADES, AND ALL THIS STUFF.
AND ONE OF THE GAMES WAS A A DRAWING GAME, AND WE HAD TO MAKE A SELF-PORTRAIT
AND THIS ONE WAS MINE. >> Jimmy: OKAY, I -- YOU GUYS BE THE JUDGE
I DUNNO, IS IT THAT BAD? [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> I HAD A HIGH PONYTAIL THAT DAY, AND I WAS WEARING BIG EARINGS.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE THE GENIE IN "ALADDIN." >> I WAS THE GENIE
>> Jimmy: FOR AN OFF BROADWAY VERSION. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY ASSISTANT STILL HAS THIS AS MY CALLER I.D [ LAUGHTER ]
LITERALLY. >> Jimmy: I WAS GOING TO SAY, YOU HAVE TO USE IT
>> OH, SHE USES IT FOR EVERYTHING >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE TO POST
THIS >> LIKE, SHE'S ON THE VERGE OF GETTING FIRED FOR HOW OFTEN SHE
USES IT, LET ME TELL YOU [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S SO FUNNY.
>> YEAH, SO THAT'S MY DRAWING CAPABILITIES >> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL, SEE, I
APPRECIATE YOU DOUBLY PLAYING THE GAME >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT. >> YOU'RE WELCOME. >> Jimmy: I SAW YOU AT THE
EMMYS A COUPLE WEEKS AGO >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU WERE LOOKING
GORGEOUS AS ALWAYS >> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH >> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS
OOH, LA LA [ CHEERS ] >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: BEAUTIFUL. >> THEY LITERALLY CUT THAT DRESS BEFORE I WALKED OUT.
THAT WAS A FULL GOWN >> Jimmy: WHAT >> AND THEY JUST -- WE CUT IT.
WE WENT WILD >> Jimmy: WAIT, SO IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE --
>> IT WAS ALL LONG, NO LEG, AND THEY CUT IT. >> Jimmy: WOW.
AND THEN YOU SAID "ALL LEG." >> YEAH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN WE JUST CUT IT BEFORE I WALKED - CAN YOU IMAGINE THE INSANITY IN
DOING THAT BEFORE I WALKED OUT THERE? >> Jimmy: I LOVED THAT YOU DID
THAT >> I KNOW, WE JUST CUT IT. >> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT THE BEST,
TO JUST GO -- "I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THIS RISK AND SEE WHAT'S UP."
>> YEAH. YOU CAN DO THAT WITH YOUR SUIT PANTS.
YOU CAN JUST CUT 'EM BEFORE YOU COME OUT [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN >> Jimmy: WE'LL GET THERE. [ CHEERS ]
WE'LL GET THERE. NO, WE'LL GET THERE. WE GOT A LONG SEASON AHEAD OF
US CONGRATS YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR YOUR
SHOW "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT." YOU WERE FANTASTIC IN IT >> THANK YOU
THANK YOU. [ CHEERS ] >> Jimmy: CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANKS, GUYS. >> Jimmy: YOU WERE SITTING AT THE EMMYS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,
WHO -- A FRIEND OF OUR SHOW, TOO. >> YES
>> Jimmy: TOM PELPHREY'S JUST - >> YES
>> Jimmy: JUST AMAZING ON "OZARK." >> HE'S SO GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I KNOW >> Jimmy: HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
>> SO WE ACTUALLY -- WE HAVE THE SAME MANAGER THIS IS A VERY HOLLYWOOD STORY,
I KNOW >> Jimmy: NO, I LIKE IT. >> WE HAD THE SAME MANAGER, AND
ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST SHOOTING A FILM IN BERLIN, AND ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO -- EVEN LONGER, NINE
MONTHS AGO, MY MANAGER WAS SUBMITTING DIFFERENT CLIENTS AND HAD ASKED ME IF I KNEW WHO
TOM WAS. AND SHE GOES, "AND SIDE NOTE, HE'S SINGLE.
THIS WAS A WHILE AGO >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M NOT
READY TO DATE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE CASTING. AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE
WAS. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND I TOLD MY SISTER, I'M
LIKE, "DO YOU KNOW THIS TOM PELPHREY?" SHE'S LIKE -
[ LARGE GASP ] "HAVE YOU SEEN 'OZARK'?" >> Jimmy: "OH, MY GOSH."
>> AND I WAS LIKE, "NO I HAVEN'T. >> Jimmy: "HAVE YOU SEEN
'OZARK'? >> Jimmy: YEAH I HAVE NOT
I THINK I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT HASN'T SEEN IT, AND THEY WERE LIKE," HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE
'OZARK'? >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY. PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS.
>> Jimmy: OH, I KNOW I WAS THAT PERSON FOR A LONG TIME
>> IT'S CRAZY. >> Jimmy: I MEAN, ON THE OTHER END, I WAS WITH YOU.
>> LIKE PSYCHOS. >> Jimmy: NO, PEOPLE FREAK OUT THEY GO, "YOU HAVEN'T EVEN --"
EVEN, YEAH JASON BATEMAN YELLED AT ME "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN 'OZARK'?
>> LIKE, "I KNOW!" [ LAUGHTER ] GOD.
BACK OFF >> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO ANYWAY -
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU FINALLY - >> THEN MONTHS HAD GONE ON, AND WE NEVER MET
AND I WAS OUT HERE PROMOTING "FLIGHT ATTENDANT," WITH THAT SAME MANAGER, WHO'S HIS
MANAGER. AND SHE'S LIKE, "I'M GOING TO THE 'OZARK' PREMIERE TONIGHT
DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME? AND IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH,
I'LL GO. SO I GOT ALL DRESSED UP, AND I WAS STANDING THERE, AND I WAS
AT THE BATHROOM AND I WAS WAITING. AND I HEAR THIS VOICE, WHO --
IT WAS TOM, AND HE'S LIKE "WHERE'S THIS KALEY? AND I WAS LIKE, "'WHERE'S THIS
KALEY?'" AND I TURNED AROUND, AND IT WAS TOM AND IT WAS LIKE --
[ SINGING IT WAS LIKE, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
THAT WAS -- THE WORLD STOPPED. >> Jimmy: OH, I LOVE THAT. >> I KNOW.
[ AUDIENCE AWS ] >> Jimmy: NO, I LOVE THAT. >> I KNOW.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A GREAT STORY >> IT WAS REALLY SWEET, YEAH [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU GUYS LOOKED GREAT TOGETHER AT THE EMMYS. TELL HIM I SAY HELLO
>> AND I STILL HAD TO PEE. I NEVER WENT TO THE BATHROOM >> Jimmy: YOU NEVER WENT TO THE
BATHROOM >> I NEVER WENT TO THE BATHROOM, YEAH
DIDN'T PEE THAT WHOLE NIGHT. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOVIE
LET'S TALK ABOUT "MEET CUTE. >> YEAH. "MEET CUTE."
>> Jimmy: NOW, "MEET CUTE" IN THE, UH -- I ONLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS WHEN I THINK IT WAS ON --
AFTER "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT'S A TERM FOR, IN THE SCRIPT,
RIGHT? WHEN THE TWO PEOPLE THAT THE ROMANTIC LEADS MEET.
IS THAT RIGHT? >> IT'S LIKE A -- LIKE AN ACCIDENT, LIKE A CUTE WAY TO
MEET, I GUESS. I MEAN, "MEET CUTE." >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT A "MEET
CUTE" IS >> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT A "MEET CUTE" IS
>> Jimmy: I MEAN, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. >> BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T EITHER,
AND I KEPT SAYING, "THIS DOESN'T REALLY ROLL OFF THE TONGUE."
>> Jimmy: A "MEET CUTE." >> AND THEN WE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES, THAT I WAS LIKE, "OKAY,
WHATEVER, IT'S FINE. >> Jimmy: SO IT'S -- THE MOVIE IS -
>> IT'S A "MEET CUTE." >> Jimmy: -- IS EXACTLY A "MEET CUTE."
>> YES >> Jimmy: AND YOU'RE MEETING THE VERY CUTE PETE DAVIDSON.
>> YES >> Jimmy: YEAH SO IT'S YOU AND PETE
[ CHEERS ] >> YEAH. YEAH
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE BOTH -- >> NO, HE WAS GREAT. HE ACTUALLY -- MEETING HIM IN
REAL LIFE WAS AN INTERESTING SITUATION. >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU KNOWN PETE?
>> NO. SO, HE WAS ATTACHED TO THIS FILM WAY BEFORE I WAS.
AND SO WHEN I ACTUALLY ATTACHED, OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "YOU GUYS NEED TO
MEET WE HOPE THAT THERE'S CHEMISTRY.
LIKE, WE HAD NEVER MET EVER. SO WE GET IN CONTACT, AND HE WAS IN L.A. FOR A FEW DAYS
I'M LIKE, "OKAY, MAYBE WE SHOULD MEET FOR A COFFEE LET'S MEET THE DIRECTOR.
LIKE, I HAD NEVER MET HIM OR ANYTHING, HADN'T TALKED TO HIM ABOUT THE PROJECT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO I FIND OUT THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO MEET ME, BUT HE WANTED
TO MEET ME IN AN ESCAPE ROOM [ LAUGHTER ] AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT,
PETE NOT EVERYONE HAS TO END UP ON 'TMZ.'" [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, CAN WE JUST, LIKE -- I'M LIKE, "WHY CAN'T ANYTHING BE NORMAL?
SO I'M LIKE, "AM I GONNA --" >> Jimmy: SEE, THAT'S FUNNY. >> YEAH.
SO WE DID. ME, THE DIRECTOR, AND PETE I MET HIM IN AN ESCAPE ROOM.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S AN INTERESTING WAY TO MEET SOMEONE.
>> YOU REALLY CAN LEARN A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE IN AN ESCAPE ROOM
>> Jimmy: YOU REALLY CAN HOW IS -- ARE YOU, AND HOW IS PETE IN AN ESCAPE ROOM
>> I DON'T ENJOY ESCAPE ROOMS. I LIKE ANSWERS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY
THERE'S SIX ON THE CEILING AND WHY IT CONNECTS TO THE BIKE THAT OPENS THE DOOR.
I HATE THAT. LIKE, JUST, LIKE, GET ME OUT OF HERE
>> Jimmy: GET YOU OUT OF THERE, YEAH YEAH, I WANT TO BE PAID FOR
THAT >> PETE -- YEAH. PETE JUST LAUGHS A LOT
I DON'T KNOW IF HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S LAUGHING AT >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH
[ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S JUST A LOT OF -- >> Jimmy: HE'S JUST A HAPPY
GUY. >> HE'S A HAPPY GUY. >> Jimmy: HE'S A HAPPY HUMAN
BEING. >> VERY HAPPY. >> Jimmy: BUT YOU DO GET TO
KNOW HOW SOMEONE REACTS UNDER PRESSURE AND WOULD YOU EVER DO AN ESCAPE
ROOM AGAIN >> UM, YES IN FACT, MY NEXT CO-STAR, I'M
GONNA BRING TO THAT ESCAPE ROOM, 'CAUSE I'LL LOOK LIKE A GENIUS
'CAUSE I'M GONNA GET OUT I'LL KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO GET OUT.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT IS BRILLIANT. >> YEAH.
SO THANK YOU, PETE >> Jimmy: THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD MOVE.
I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE'S KALEY CUOCO IN "MEET CUTE."
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> THIRSTY >> HMM
>> UH, FOR A DRINK, NOT -- SEXUALLY GROSS.
I DON'T -- I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. I'M GONNA ORDER AN ALCOHOLIC
BEVERAGE WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE ONE TOO WITH ME?
>> UH, SURE. WHY NOT? >> YEAH?
>> YEAH. >> OKAY. GREAT.
>> PHIL. >> WHAT CAN I GET YOU >> OLD FASHIONED >> OLD FASHIONED
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> HOW ADORABLE. REAL CUTE VIBE GOING ON HERE
>> TWO OLD FASHIONEDs, AND YOU CAN CUT THAT OUT, PHIL HI, I'M SHEILA
>> HI. >> HI. >> I'M -- I'M GARY
>> OH, GARY. WOW. WE BOTH HAVE, LIKE, OLD TIMEY
NAMES. >> YEAH. AND I GUESS, VERY SADISTIC
PARENTS. >> OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.
I MEAN, THERE'S NO COUCH IN HERE [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: KALEY CUOCO, EVERYBODY. "MEET CUTE" PREMIERES TOMORROW,
EXCLUSIVELY ON PEACOCK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MIKE BIRBIGLIA, EVERYONE STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND
COMEDIAN HE'S BEEN ON TOUR WITH HIS FIFTH ONE-MAN SHOW, CALLED THE
"THE OLD MAN AND THE POOL. PLEASE WELCOME MIKE BIRBIGLIA!
*
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> OH, MY GOSH >> Jimmy: WOW. >> I'M WEARING YOUR SUIT
>> Jimmy: WAIT - YOU'RE WEARING MY SUIT >> I'M WEARING YOUR SUIT,
'CAUSE I HAVE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, WHICH IS THE SHOW I'VE BEEN TOURING WITH, WHICH
YOU'VE SEEN, CALLED "THE OLD MAN AND THE POOL," AND THAT QUESTLOVE DID THE PRE-SHOW
MUSIC FOR, IS GOING TO BROADWAY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: YES! COME ON!
IT'S A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT RIGHT HERE >> I SHOWED UP -- I SHOWED
UP -- I SHOWED UP TODAY, AND I'M WEARING, LIKE, MY CORDUROY SHIRT THAT I WAS DOING WITH THE
GAME AND EVERYTHING, AND I WAS LIKE, I GOT TO DRESS UP. IT'S LINCOLN CENTER, THIS IS
LIKE, LEGIT. SO I GOTTA LOOK NICE SO IF I CAN WEAR THIS FOR THE
OPENING NIGHT, IT'D BE GREAT >> Jimmy: YEAH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOU LOOK -- YOU LOOK FANTASTIC IN MY SUIT >> THANK YOU SO MUCH
>> Jimmy: THAT REALLY IS MY SUIT >> YEAH, WELL, IT BELONGS TO
NBC. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, I GUESS IT
DOES >> I'M NOT BRINGING THIS HOME. >> Jimmy: WAIT, WHAT THEATER
WHERE ARE YOU -- THIS - >> THIS IS GONNA BE THE VIVIAN
BEAUMONT THEATER AT LINCOLN CENTER >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> BROADWAY LINCOLN CENTER, AND IT'S STARTING OCTOBER 28th THROUGH CHRISTMAS.
IT'S BEEN THE MOST GRATIFYING PERFORMING EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE, BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT LIFE,
AND DEATH, AND MORTALITY, AND ALL THESE THINGS THAT, LIKE, PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT. BUT THE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY COME UP TO ME ARE SO
SWEET. LIKE THIS GUY WAS LIKE, "I BROUGHT MY 12-YEAR-OLD SON AND
ON THE WAY HOME, LIKE, WE TALKED ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE," YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
AND LIKE, I HAD THIS WOMAN COME UP AND SAY, LIKE, "I LOST MY DAD A FEW YEARS AGO, AND
TONIGHT I FELT LIKE I WAS WATCHING THE SHOW WITH MY DAD. >> Jimmy: YEAH
[ APPLAUSE ] IT'S MOVING THINGS >> IT'S -- I MEAN, THE
THEATER'S HAUNTED, SO TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT -- >> Jimmy: "THE THEATRE'S HAUNTED.
BUT THERE'S SO MANY LINES IN THERE -- I JUST, I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO DELETE MY
PHONE NUMBER FROM YOUR CONTACTS, 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, NO I LOVE THIS
LINE OH, NO, AND THEN I LOVE THIS LINE."
>> AW. >> Jimmy: THEN "THIS IS MY FAVORITE LINE.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING AWAY, BUT THERE'S -- THERE'S SO MANY GREAT LINES IN THIS SHOW.
>> WELL, IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE I LOVED IT WHEN YOU CAME, BECAUSE YOUR LAUGH IS SO -- LIKE,
YOU'RE SUCH A GENEROUS LAUGHER AND -- AND AS A COMEDIAN -- AS A COMEDIAN, YOU JUST CRAVE
THAT AND THEN THE FUNNIEST THING IS, WHEN MY FRIENDS WOULD COME,
TYPICALLY LIKE, THE -- 'CAUSE I TALK ABOUT HAVING A LOT OF PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
I HAVE A SLEEP WALKING DISORDER, I HAD CANCER WHEN I WAS 20, LIKE, A LOT OF THINGS.
AND PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AFTERWARDS AND ARE LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
AND -- [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] FOR REAL, AND I'M LIKE -- AND
AFTER A WHILE I'M LIKE, "AM I? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE FINE. >> BUT I CAME BACK TO NEW YORK AFTER THE LOS ANGELES TRIP AND
I WAS LIKE, "I'M GOING TO GO GET A CYSTOSCOPY." THIS IS 'CAUSE I HAD BLADDER
CANCER WHEN I WAS 20 BUT IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I'M A A HYPOCHONDRIAC, AND I THINK
THE FUNNIEST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A HYPOCHONDRIAC IS YOU GET CANCER
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN [ LAUGHTER ] 'CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE, "SEE
I TOLD YOU!" >> Jimmy: NO, NO - >> "REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN I
THOUGHT I HAD RICKETS? I WAS PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT TOO!
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU'RE - >> THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF CHANGES AROUND HERE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: "RICKETS." >> UM, NO, BUT I WAS -- I WAS
LUCKY BECAUSE THEY TOOK IT -- WHEN I WAS 20, THEY TOOK IT OUT.
BUT I HAVE TO GO FOR THIS THING CALLED A CYSTOSCOPY, AND SO THEY TAKE A -- A ROD -- THEY,
LIKE, TAKE A CAMERA AND THEY STICK IT THROUGH YOUR PENIS TO LOOK AND -
[ AUDIENCE OHS ] NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, "MIKE, A CAMERA CAN'T
FIT THROUGH A PENIS. GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS ON THAT FRONT.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE GOOD NEWS IS IT CAN, AND THE BAD NEWS IS THE SAME AS THE
GOOD NEWS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ]
THANK YOU, QUEST BUT HERE'S -- HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED
>> Jimmy: "THE BAD NEWS IS THE SAME AS THE GOOD NEWS. >> BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED --
I WENT FOR THIS CYSTOSCOPY -- THIS WAS LAST WEEK, I WENT 'CAUSE I GOT NERVOUS
I'M LIKE, "WELL, MAYBE IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. AND I WENT IN, AND, LIKE, I
DON'T USE DRUGS RECREATIONALLY, AND SO WHEN THEY GIVE ME DRUGS, IT'S WILD.
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE, I'M LIKE, "WE CAN DO THIS ALL THE TIME!"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE, IT WAS -- AND THEN -
>> Jimmy: YOU GOT INTO IT. >> YEAH, I GOT SO INTO IT. AND I WAS LIKE, I SAID TO THE
ANESTHESIOLOGIST BEFORE I WENT UNDER, I GO, LIKE "WHAT IS -- WHAT IS THIS?"
AND HE GOES "IT'S PROPOFOL." AND I GO, "OH, ISN'T THE ONE THAT KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON?
AND HE GOES "AND JOAN RIVERS." AND I WAS LIKE - [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, "THIS ISN'T, LIKE, A 'YES AND' SITUATION. [ LAUGHTER ]
"THIS ISN'T, LIKE, A BRAINSTORM OF WHO DIED DOING THE THING YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO."
>> Jimmy: NO STOP -- STOP SAYING THOSE THINGS
OH, MY GOD >> I WANTED THEM TO BE, LIKE, "YEAH, BUT THERE WERE A LOT OF
OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. HE HAD, LIKE, AN AMUSEMENT PARK IN HIS YARD," YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BUT --
INSTEAD, BUT HOW - >> SO THEN I DID IT, AND THEN I WAS ALL CLEAR, NO CANCER
>> Jimmy: GOOD >> YEAH. WHICH WAS GREAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANKS, THANK YOU. NO, NO, TRULY.
AND THEN I CAME OUT, AND I WAS SO HIGH, AND I'M SAYING TO MY WIFE, I'M JUST LIKE, "WE SHOULD
DO THIS AT HOME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, THE PROPOFOL AND -- [ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE SHOULD GET THE AMUSEMENT PARK, I MEAN, WHY NOT? >> Jimmy: YEAH, WHY NOT?
>> IF YOU'RE GONNA DO ONE, WHY NOT DO THE OTHER AND -- I WAS LIKE --
>> Jimmy: DO THIS AT HOME. >> I WAS LIKE, I BECAME, LIKE, THE GUY AT THE MUSIC FESTIVAL
WHO'S JUST LIKE, "IT'S NATURAL, BRO," YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, "YOU CAN DO IT." I WAS, LIKE, I LITERALLY SAID -- I GO, "IT'S LIPIDS
IT'S JUST MADE OF LIPIDS." I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LIPIDS ARE, BUT I -
[ LAUGHTER ] I'D ASK THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST, AND HE'S LIKE "IT'S LIPIDS."
AND I SAID TO MY WIFE, I GO, "IT'S LIPIDS DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
WE CAN DO THIS." [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] "AND LIKE, IT CAN'T KILL YOU."
AND THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST GOES, "YEAH, IT CAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, I GOT SO HIGH, AND I THINK I'M STILL HIGH I PUT ON YOUR SUIT
I MEAN - [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: AND YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC. LOOK AT MIKE BIRBIGLIA [ CHEERS ]
HE LOOKS GREAT * YOU LOOK FANTASTIC
THAT'S WHAT A MAN ON A BROADWAY DOES MIKE BIRBIGLIA, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MIKE RETURNS TO BROADWAY WITH HIS NEW SHOW "THE OLD MAN AND
THE POOL" STARTING OCTOBER 28th ARI LENNOX PERFORMS AFTER THE
BREAK. STICK AROUND COULDN'T HAPPEN TO A BETTER
MAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: PERFORMING "POF" AND "WASTE MY TIME" FROM HER NEW ALBUM, "AGE, SEX, LOCATION,"
PLEASE WELCOME ARI LENNOX! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
*
* DESTINED FOR GREATNESS IS ALWAYS WHAT MY MAMA SAID * * YOUNG BLACK WOMAN
APPROACHIN' 30 * * WITH NO LOVER IN MY BED *
* CANNOT SETTLE I GOT STANDARDS * * NASCAR RACIN'
IN MY HEAD * * INDEPENDENT NOT DUMBIN' DOWN
EVERYTHING THA MAKES ME GRAND * * THE NERVE OF YO
TO THINK I WAS * * GON' SELL MY HOUS TO LIVE IN YOURS *
* YOU OUT YOUR MIND I DID THEM TOURS * * I PICKED THEM FLOOR
SO MISS ME * * WHEN YOU COME AROUN YOU'RE PRESSIN' ME *
* LIKE GINUWINE SO ANXIOUSLY * * WITH SUPER THIRSTY ENERGY
LIKE YOU NEVER HAD NO * * WHAT'S THAT THEY SA BACK IN THE DAY *
* IT'S PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA * * WILL SOMEBODY EXPLAIN
WHAT'S WITH THESE LAME * * FISH THAT B SWIMMIN' TO ME *
* SO WHAT'S THAT THEY SAY BACK IN THE DAY * * IT'S PLENTY OF FISH
IN THE SEA * * WILL SOMEBODY EXPLAIN WHAT'S WITH THESE LAME *
* FISH THAT B SWIMMIN' TO ME * * SEE CATFISHIN
ALL CAP -- HAT-FISHIN' * * WHY I DON'T SEE NO PICTUR WITH YOUR HAT MISSIN' *
* RUG RAT PRISO BARE FLIPPIN' FIVE KID BUT YOU'RE BACK PIMPIN' *
* SEE LORD KNOW I DON'T NEED NO ONE * * I SWEAR HE KNOW
SURE WOULD BE SWEET * * SEE LORD KNOW I DON'T NEED NO ONE *
* I SWEAR HE KNOW SURE WOULD BE SWEET * * OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH *
* SO NO MAKIN' ME STUPI NO FUNNY VALENTINE LOVIN' FROM CUPID *
* NEED SOMEONE TO IT * * I SEE YOU BEGGIN' SO THERE AIN'T NO CHOOSIN' *
* THERE MUST BE A GLITCH IN MY PHONE * * I'M READY FOR THE
SWITCH TO TURN ME ON * * KIND OF SAW IT WRONG TO M CAUSE I'M TRYNA HAVE YOU *
* WASTE MY TIME GET ON MY LINE * * 'CAUSE I GO
THE TIME TO WASTE * * USE THAT MOUT BLOW THIS BACK OUT *
* BACK UP EVERY WORD YOU SAY SAY SOCK IT TO ME *
* WASTE MY TIME GET ON MY LINE * * THEN YOU CA
BE ON YOUR WAY * * USE THAT MOUT PULL A TRACK OUT *
* BACK UP EVERY WORD YOU SAY * * I SAID EVERY WORD
EVERY WORD * * SAID EVERY WORD BABY BACK UP EVERY WORD *
* EVERY WORD YEAH YEA BACK UP EVERY WORD YOU SAY * * I SAID EVERY WORD
I SAID EVERY WOR BABY BACK UP EVERY WORD * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS ARI LENNOX [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"AGE, SEX, LOCATION" IS OUT NOW! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN. COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO KALEY CUOCO, MIKE BIRBIGLIE,
ARI LENNOX ONCE AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM
PHILADELPHIA PENNYSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *