Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
Hello, Sedona!
Hello.
Oh, my God.
The sunsets out here.
Oh, are they gorgeous or what?
Okay, let's get to it.
This evening, we're going to start
with what we know is real.
The present.
The now.
I want you to take a deep breath
and say to yourself,
"I am in the now."
Do it.
Let's say it together.
- I am in the now. - I am in
- the now. - Good.
That's how I start every morning.
I look in the mirror. I say hi to myself.
You do it. Say hi to yourself.
- Hi. - This is your best friend.
I touch the mirror.
Yes, I touch myself.
Yeah.
I tell myself,
"You are my number one priority."
You do it. Tell yourself,
"You are my number one priority."
You are my number one priority.
"I love you."
Do it. Say it.
- Say to yourself, "I love you." - Uh...
Oh, shit.
- Oh! Oh, God. Sorry. - Mom!
How did you get in here?
Well, I've got a key, honey. I bought this place.
Well, knock.
How do you like this outfit?
Looks beautiful.
- It's nice. I... - Are you gonna be long?
No, Mother. I'm not gonna be much longer.
Take your time.
- No. - Oh, that's terrible.
- Hi, Chip. - Oh.
Hey, honey.
We're right in the middle of gown shopping
for the wedding.
Hey, there was a sale, and I got you something.
Whoo-hoo.
Try it on. I think you'll like it.
I'll be right back, girls.
- Thanks, Mom. - Okay.
- Hi there. - Hi, ladies.
You know, between her place and the rodeo and your place,
Christine has a bathroom everywhere in town.
Yeah.
Oh, beautiful apartment, Chip.
Oh, thank you. It's actually a condo.
Oh...
Christine has been telling us
what a good little helper you've been at the rodeo.
You're up, Joan.
Oh, good.
- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, you look so cute.
Are you ready for school?
That's what it reminds me of.
Oh, I miss you. You know, that house we're in,
it's so big and lonesome.
Why don't we all get together for dinner on Sunday?
We'll go to that Chinese place by the Crystal Palace.
I'll look at my work schedule. Maybe I can pencil something in.
- I think it would be so much fun. - Yeah.
Remember all the dinners we used to have?
We never went to dinners.
Well, we wanted to.
- Your turn. - Oh, good.
Oh. How 'bout those knobs?
Oh, my God, they were gorgeous.
- You just passing through? - Maggie! Let's go.
Big Gowns is gonna close.
- Honey, there's no TP in there. - Oh, my God.
Oh, God, you'll have to go over there.
- I cannot miss this place. - Bye, Chip.
- It's my favorite. - Let's go. Bye, honey.
Bye, honey.
Bye, Mom. Thanks for stopping by
and using my toilet.
- Sarah! - Mom...
Hey, princess, come on.
I'm talking to my daughter, Nicole, not you.
You can just push that copper tubing to the side.
- Yep, like that. - Dale,
Sarah's failed her last two history exams.
Well, who cares? I mean, the California school system,
all they teach you about is that we came from chimpanzees,
and about sharing.
I'll learn her.
I'll make sure she's learned.
Right, Sarah?
Uh, can we just go?
- We're gonna go. - It's that phone.
If she didn't spend so much time
taking pictures of herself on it...
I am not always taking pictures of myself.
Mom's just being a total bitch.
- Do not talk to me like that. - Yeah, well,
I'm living with Dad now, so you
- can't tell me what to do. - Ooh.
- I'm done. - Emojis are just popular now.
You have to live with it. Hey, sweetie.
You want to come live with Daddy, too?
No.
The youngest is always the most disappointing.
♪ I drink one for my baby ♪
♪ Who is long gone... ♪
Uh, the guy that lives in that RV right there,
his name is Walter Scruggs.
He's a very interesting man.
And, uh, that's our place right there.
That's our RV.
Are we in a trailer park?
Uh... well, that's one way of looking at it, yes.
Great.
Well, I'd love to show you the place.
It smells just like Febreze, so you'll love it.
Come on in.
Dad, the lights don't even work.
Hold on.
I run my lights on clean, off-the-grid diesel.
They on?
Yeah.
Pretty cool space in there, isn't it?
Yeah, pretty cool.
You know the voice that plays inside your head...
What you like, what you dislike?
Where do you think that voice came from?
Is it really you, or is it your mom?
Or it could be your sister or brother.
It could be you but when you were nine years old.
Now, would you take advice from a nine-year-old?
These voices make a map. Go left, go right.
Avoid this situation, take that situation.
But it's not even your map.
So what we're going to do is we're going to build a new you,
a new map, by bringing all of you into the present.
No more voices from the past.
We're gonna go a different way.
Oh, hey, Chrysanthemum.
- Gosh. Hey, Martha. - Hey, Chip.
Um, could I ask you a question?
How would you describe me?
Hmm.
Uh, male, white...
...uh, swarthy.
About five-two.
- Five-two? - Yeah.
Martha, I'm five-eight and a quarter.
My God, get your eyesight checked.
I don't mean physically, I mean, like...
what is the energy that I put out there?
Oh, you're listening to Tammy's Live in Sedona, aren't you?
- You're doing the friend quiz. - No.
Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am doing that.
Okay, Chip Baskets.
Um, he's a clown.
A clown with a condo.
Um, you're really good at helping people.
Like your mom, and that couple with a baby, and me.
- A helper. So I'm a helper? - Yeah.
That's it? I just help people?
Like that glove on television that helps hamburgers. Great.
Yeah, well, Hamburger Helper has helped
a lot of moms make dinner.
I don't know what you want me to say.
- Who do you think you are? - I guess I'm just misunderstood,
- that's all. Thanks. - Okay, well...
Excuse me.
Thanks for coming by.
God, I hate dogs.
Any animal, any kind of animals... where was I?
Oh, yeah, I was telling you,
I control the, the Wi-Fi modem here at the RV park,
so it kind of makes me the king of the park,
and you would be my, my princess... hey, guys.
Please don't call me "princess."
These are some of my friends
that I do a lot of my fellowshipping with.
Uh, this is Sarah.
- Hi. - Wow. Nice work, Dale.
Nice work.
- Oh, my God. - Wallis, she's my daughter.
I know. Nice work parenting, whatnot.
And, uh, right here, this is Duane.
He's got a Facebook Live page about the end of the world.
- It's really interesting stuff. - Cool.
Chinese are gonna flood it.
Whole thing's gonna be a beach.
Dead fish flopping all over.
Menthol?
Uh, I don't smoke.
Well, don't poo-poo it.
It works out for some women.
Keeps 'em thin.
Cool rabbit.
- Uh, does it have a name? - Dinner.
You want to see something even cooler?
Oh, this is my boy, Wally Jr.
Hi. I'm-I'm Sarah.
- Hey. - Uh, who's this?
Uh, this is Sally Sue.
- Hi. - You want to hold her?
- Can I? - Yeah.
She'll make a little bit of noise. She's fine.
- Oh, my gosh. - Yeah, just like that. That's perfect.
Hi.
It's okay. It's okay.
Um, can you take a picture of me?
- Oh, yeah. Of course. - Thanks.
- Let me see that. Is that nice? - Yeah.
- Oh, look at that. - Oh, it...
What the hell?
No kissy-face pictures
- with my daughter! - Dad!
- Oh, my God. - Okay?
Keep an eye on your son.
All right.
- Oh, God. Bye. - Bye.
Never forget that you exist in the now.
So I want you to call all of yourself back into the present,
from all the places you've left yourself behind.
Now say hello to yourself.
This is really you.
Hello.
And you're not going to do it alone.
You know I'm doing it with you.
So everyone say it with me.
I'm the biggest me that I can be.
I'm the biggest
- me that I can be. - I'm the biggest me that I can...
Can I help you? Whoa, okay. No, no, no, no.
Don't touch it. Don't touch it. You'll make it worse.
Is there something I can help you with today?
Uh, yes, I am looking for some clothes
that'll make me look like a...
like a real man.
Great. Great.
Well, we should get out of the children's department, then.
Follow me.
Okay, history lesson.
How did America win the Revolution?
I don't know, Dad. How?
Guns! America's greatest export.
Oh, yeah, guns. Guns have gotten us
out of a lot of trouble here.
World War II, we used guns.
Korea, guns. Vietnam, guns.
Uh, Super Bowl XIII, guns. Feel that.
- Feel it. Pick it up. - I...
Okay.
Ta-da.
You look cool as shit with that in your arms. Do it again.
Pick it up.
There you go... well, there's no bullets in it,
but don't point it at any... don't ever point it at anybody.
Okay? Now,
first thing we need to do is fieldstrip this thing, so...
let me just, uh, take this out.
There we go.
And, uh, double-check, yeah, there's no bullets in here.
Lefty loosey, righty tighty.
It's all jammed up. Oh, hold on one second.
I see what's going on here.
Is that my phone? That's my phone.
Oh, it's your grandmother. Hold on.
- Hey, Mom. - Hi, Dale. What you up to?
I'm just teaching my daughter life lessons.
- Why? - I want to take the family
to that place by the Crystal Palace.
Is that the new place with the chocolate chip fortune cookies?
- Okay, we'll be there. - See you there.
Okay, bye.
How did you do that?
I looked it up, Dad, on my phone.
- Ooh. Uh... - Give me that.
What the hell?
I want to teach you!
This is about father-daughter bonding!
Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.
Hey.
Uh... Hey.
Turns out it was loaded.
As human beings, we are uniquely equipped
to take ownership and responsibility
of the life we lead.
We have choice.
We have free will.
You might have a pet dog...
Hi, Reverend Kwon.
- Hi, Reverend Kwon. Sorry. - Oh. Oh, hey.
Hey. Chip, you are looking really sharp.
- Oh, thanks. - Yeah.
What's a church youth conference?
This is You Alive.
Evangelical youths from-from all over the Central Valley,
they come here to find a deeper fellowship with Christ.
Oh, that sounds like a blast.
Best three days of my life.
H-How are ticket sales?
Oh, uh, really, really good.
Like, we have probably 2,000 people...
...who have applied.
- We haven't finalized all... - Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
That sounds like something you might need to rent an arena for.
Oh. Well, we were thinking about the Marriott.
Marriott? No, no, no, no, no.
Uh, Marriotts are owned by Mormons.
- I did not know that. - This is a really good deal.
- It's got Wi-Fi. It's got, uh... - You have Wi-Fi?
Yeah. Yeah.
Genderless bathrooms.
Oh. Let's talk.
Very good. I'll see you around.
Oh, smell that Spring & Renewal.
Mm. That's my favorite Febreze.
Oh, that was a good sleep, wasn't it, Sar-bear?
Mm. Sar?
Hey, Sarah?
Let's get up, sweetheart.
Sarah?
Hey!
Amber Alert!
Dale, what's up with the Wi-Fi?
I'm in the middle of a live feed.
Well, I'm in the middle of an Amber Alert.
No Wi-Fi. No pornography until we find my daughter.
- I saw your daughter. - Where?
She's off playing with Wally Jr.
They're messing around in the tub.
In the tub?
Sarah!
Yeah, that's so good.
Yeah. Perfect.
Okay, maybe put your leg up on the...
Oh, okay.
And, like, over the shoulder a little bit.
Yeah, perfect. That's so good.
Step away from the princess, you pauper!
Jesus! Dad, put the gun down.
- Put the gun down? Are you crazy? - Are you crazy?
- What's going on here?! - It's just pictures, man.
- "Just pictures"? Get down! - You know? Yeah, Instagra...
- It's just Instagram. - Get down!
Dad. Dad.
I don't understand all this.
You're taking pictures of my daughter.
Yeah.
Look how scantily clad she is, huh?
What do you think about that, son?
- Geez. - Huh?
- Pretty good. Oh! - Give me this phone.
This phone has caused nothing but trouble
Whoa, what the hell, man?
Shit.
Goddamn it.
I'm pretty sure you can just put it
in a bag of rice or something.
I've heard that works.
You know what else is good
- for these phones? - No, Dad.
Are you crazy?
Okay. Put your clothes on.
We got to go to a Chinese restaurant.
Let's go.
Take responsibility...
Hello. I'm here for the, uh, Baskets party.
- Hey, Chip. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey, Martha.
- Hey. - What are you doing here?
Do you work here?
I don't. Your mom invited me.
You're all dolled up.
Just, uh, I don't know. I just thought I'd put some...
Oh, you're still listening to the Tammy stuff.
- I like it. - Yeah, I mean...
- it's for entertainment. - The new Chip.
You look really grown-up.
Thanks. Thanks, Martha.
- Well, you ready for some Chinese food? - Sure.
How are you with chopsticks?
No. Brought my own fork.
Oh, is this like the lobsters where you get to pick 'em out,
- then you get to eat 'em? - I don't think these are for cooking.
Oh, what a shame. They look so delicious.
Monica, listen to me.
Just make sure that it's not the stain-repellent chemicals
that's causing the problems.
Ken, get off the phone.
- We're gonna have dinner. - Honey, gotta go. Walking in to dinner.
- Sorry, Christine. - Let's go.
The girls are having a little carpet problem
- they got to deal with. - Okay.
Oh, Chip, Martha,
you're here early.
Well, time is money, Mom.
- Isn't that the truth? - Hello.
Oh, thank you, Ken.
Chip, like the suit.
Thank you, sir.
Got a new clown act up your sleeve?
Well, just, uh...
You know, Chip's always dressed up in funny outfits.
When he was younger, I came home one time,
and he had my bra on his head,
and he was pretending he was a praying mantis.
It was your panties on my head.
- Oh. - I'm just turning over a new leaf.
- That's all. - Oh, honey, good for you.
Hey everybody.
Oh, my businessman son.
Oh, God, you're getting so tall.
- You look beautiful. - Thank you.
Nice monkey suit, stupid.
I, uh, have a money question for you, Dale.
Mom, you can ask me.
Honey, if I had a clown question,
I'd ask you because that's your expertise.
Hi. Do you know what you'd like to drink?
Well, we just got here. I'm all discombobulated,
and the-the menu's in... half of it's in Chinese,
so I don't know what to do here. Mm-kay.
I'm ready to order.
I'm gonna have chicken fried rice,
and I'm gonna have, uh,
- kung pao chicken. - Mom, mom, mom.
- I think it's just the drinks. - Huh?
- Oh, I got ahead of myself. - Sorry, Christine.
- I have to take this. - What?
Monica.
No, no, don't sign nothing
until you double-check the inventory.
- What the hell's that about? - What?
- Carpet, honey. - My God.
Does he have to make such a scene?
Uncle Chip?
- Yes? - Can I borrow your phone?
- For what reason? - Don't do that.
All she's gonna do is take pictures of her titties
- and put it on Twitter. - Dad.
- Well, that's the truth. - Don't say...
- that at the table. - You might as well call it "Twitties."
Oh, my God.
Um, anyway, uh, I just want his phone
so I can call Mom to tell her to pick me up.
I want to go home.
Call... call your mom?
But I thought you hated your mom.
Yeah, well, I want to see her again,
and... you know what? She's not insane
- and living in a trailer park. - It is not a trailer park.
I told you that. Those are good Americans living there.
- Come on, you guys. - They tried to get me to smoke.
- Who did? - I'll have a Tom Collins, please.
- You're missing the point. - What am I missing?
I-I'm not missing anything.
- Do you know what? - Sir, do you...
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna have a hamburger
with jack cheese, please.
- I'm sorr... - Hold the onions. I'll have
- double the pickles. - We don't have hamburgers here.
You don't have hamburgers in America?
It's a Chinese restaurant, Dale.
Yeah, but why do I have to kowtow to their culture?
Why is that?
- Just get some moo shu, honey. - I don't want moo shu, Mom.
- You love moo shu. - I don't... I don't love moo shu.
He'll have the moo shu pork. You loved that as a kid.
I don't want any moo shu. No moo shu.
None. I don't want any moo shu.
- Put down moo shu. - I don't want moo shu.
- It's the principle of the matter. - Dad.
I mean, at Willy's Wontons, you can order a goddamn corn dog.
- Dale. - Willy's Wonton?
- Sit down. - Oh, my God.
Um, I'll have the Grandma's Soup Noodles.
Yeah, hello? Yeah, hey.
Can I get a cheeseburger?
- Is that possible? - Hey, Dale, Dale, Dale.
Listen. Breathe.
Breathe.
- Wha...? - Repeat after me.
Uh, say it with me.
Uh...
- I am in the now. - What are you doing?
Look, you're in the kitchen, okay?
Your family's out there.
We need to bring all of you into the now.
Look, I'm tired of the influx of immigrants
coming into this country that don't know how
to make a cheeseburger.
I mean, am I... am I crazy for-for being like that?
I think you're just getting frustrated
with your anger at your daughter.
You're taking it out on the immigrants.
Uh, I'm from Modesto.
- I'm so sorry. - Where's that?
It's up in the Bay Area.
Look, Dale.
He's, like, a San Francisco type of guy.
Dale, look.
Everybody that you love is here.
Just order the moo shu.
Okay? Let's go have dinner.
Could you just figure it out, please?
Chinese cheese is fine.
I'm sorry.
Can you make him a burger?
You got too much facial hair to be in here.
Ken, you ever been to China?
No.
Me, neither.
Oh, hey.
So sorry about...
our family uproar.
- Here you go, honey. Call your mom. - Thank you.
Look, I think I...
I think I'm just upset, uh, because...
Sarah, I... you know, I was excited.
It's just, I'm just sad that you're leaving.
That's all. I'm just temperamental about it.
Well, that runs in our family, honey.
I just don't think anybody loves me.
- Oh, honey. - Dad, okay...
People love you.
Can you hand this over to him?
- Here, honey. - Here, Dad.
What's that?
- It's for your face. - Oh. Yes.
There you go.
Happy?
There you go.
That's love right there.
That looks interesting.
Wish I would have got that now.
Hmm. It's not bad.
- Oh, good. - What's that little grin
- you got on your face there, huh? - Sorry.
Hey. Don't be rude, Dale.
I was smiling 'cause you got your burger.
That's why I was smiling. I was happy about it.
Show some manners.
What are we, savages here?
Chip, thank you for saving dinner.
- Yeah. Yes. - Let's have a toast to Chip.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Chip. - Toast, Dale.
Toast your brother.
Well, he gave you a burger toast, honey.
- I'm sorry. - That'll work.
Well, that was tons of fun.
- Yeah. - Do you mind driving me to the rodeo?
I got some contracts that I need you to fill out.
Wow, you really are five-eight.
I'm five-eight and a quarter.
I need to get on a flight to Denver as soon as possible.
I want you to go with me.
Oh. Um...
Yeah, can I get some ranch dressing, please?
For the third time.
Okay, I'll go.
Thank you for the moo shu.
Because the truth is
each and every one of you is as special
and unique as that glorious sunset.
You don't need to convince anyone who you are.
That's right.
Ow!
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com