Dre: As a parent, you want to protect your baby
from everything.
Like stairs...
Poison...
And White people trying to touch their hair.
It's beautiful.
[ Indistinct murmuring ]
But once they hit middle school,
the biggest thing you have to protect them from
is themselves.
Jack: Jack Johnson, cinnamon challenge, 2019.
Esskeetit!
[ Coughing ]
Damn it, Jack!
I'm Jack Johnson,
and this is the flu season challenge.
Esskeetit.
[ Moans ]
[ Thermometer beeps ]
Damn it, Jack!
2019 Nitro Circus Challenge!
Esskeetit!
[ Shouts ]
[ Crashes ]
[ Groans ] Damn it, Jack!
[ Weakly ] Did I esskeetit? [ Tires squeal ]
So I was on high-alert
for situations where Jack could get himself into trouble.
Guess who got new outfits
for the school dance!
I don't know why she does that. It's me and Jack.
It's gonna be so much fun.
Mm-hmm.
No. It's not.
Because I'm chaperoning.
Esskeetit! Esskeetit! Esskeetit! Esskeetit!
Esskeetit!
♪♪
I-I'll pay you $50 cash if you don't chaperone.
You protesting only tells me
that you plan on doing some dirt at the dance.
You played yourself.
Damn it, Jack.
Okay, Dad, if you're not going
to back out of it for him, just do it for me.
If you show up dancing and being all you,
the kids at school will treat me like Jack.
[ Sighs ] Baby girl, we all have a price to pay for Jack,
and sadly, this is yours.
It's the Jack Tax.
[ Sighs ] Mom...
Don't worry sweetie. I got you.
[ Sighs ] Thank you.
So glad I have one parent who gets it.
Hey. Come on, Jack.
Let's go try on your outfit, and I'll tell you
what's gonna get you roasted at the dance. Let's go.
I think his outfit is very nice.
Dre, I think maybe
you should pass on the chaperoning.
I don't want you to embarrass Diane.
I get that, but I'm worried about Jack.
I know. Someone needs to be around
to keep an eye on him during his experimental phase,
especially at a private school dance
where there's drugs, alcohol,
and all kinds of other stuff.
You're right. You should be there to look out for Jack.
Thank you.
But you cannot --
under any circumstances --
dance. What?
I will not let you embarrass Diane.
But what if they play my jam? No.
What if there's a circle
with no one in the middle? No.
What if the spotlight hits me just right?
No!
Fine!
I won't dance! Thank you.
But just know --
you have robbed these kids of beauty.
♪ Unh ♪
Mm.
Okay, date night!
What do you want to watch?
Let's say what we want to watch at the same time.
Both: "A Star is Born."
Oh, God, I love us.
Listen, have you -- Hey, hey, hey!
Make room for Jesus.
Mm-hmm.
Mnh-mnh!
Jesus likes to stretch out.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, well, that's more like it.
And, Junior, have you seen Devante's Bubbasnug?
I'm asking 'cause you're really the only one
looking after that child.
Bubbasnug?
It's a blankie and pacifier in one.
Genius collab. He had it when we were at the par--
[ Whispering ] Oh, no.
We must have left it there.
He can't fall asleep without it.
Aw, poor little guy.
It's his favorite thing in the world.
We have to go back and look for it.
Let me grab my stuff. Okay.
And then we can get back to doing
what we were doing.
You better not get back to doing what you were doing.
Mm-hmm. 'Cause Black Jesus sees you everywhere!
Uh-huh.
So my plan was to lock down Jack
and not embarrass Diane,
as if I even could.
Hello, Jack's dad. Hello, Diane.
You don't know me,
and I don't know you.
Yes, just continue to lay low for me,
or even leave.
Whatever feels right. Okay.
She doesn't get it,
but I bet you're glad I'm here.
Always happy to have a parent help out.
Yeah, well, but these other parents aren't like me.
I know the difference between a flash drive
and a [quietly] vape pen.
Do you?
[ Scoffs ] Flash drive.
This is the key to my Civic, Mr. Johnson.
Okay. [ Chuckles ]
Is that a glitter bomb? No,
it's two glitter bombs.
[ Both laugh ] So, what are you boys doing?
Nothing.
Yeah, these are --
are -- are dance s-sticks.
Really?
Give them to me.
Ha! So you thought you could pull one over on me?
Please.
I'm undefeated against children.
[ Shrieking ] Esskeetit!
[ Laughs ]
DJ: Uh-oh!
Look like we got a parent on the floor!
♪ Let me see you pop them things ♪
♪ Shake your... doo doo brown ♪ Oh, that's --
that's my jam.
Come on, Dad. You know you want it.
No, no, no, no, no, man.
Let the kids dance. It's their night.
♪ I wanna rock my man ♪
♪ I wan', I wanna rock my man ♪
♪ I wanna rock my man ♪ Uh, maybe it's my night, too.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, come on, y'all!
Come on! Ha, ha!
It's a party now! Come on, party!
Party!
♪ Man, man, m-m-m-man ♪
♪♪
God is real.
♪ Let me hear you say ♪
♪ "Hey, hey, and more hey" ♪ Come on. Ride the pony! Come on!
Ride the pony! Come on!
Ride the pony! Ha, ha!
♪ Let me hear you say ♪ Come on!
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Applause ] Thank you. Thank you very much.
♪ Doo doo brown ♪ ♪ Doo doo brown ♪
Diane?
♪ Doo doo brown ♪ ♪ Doo doo brown ♪
Man, why'd you make me dance?
Diane!
I'm sorry I embarrassed you!
♪♪
♪ Shake your things, baby ♪ [ Exhales deeply ]
♪ Shake your things, baby ♪
♪ Shake, shake them things, baby ♪
Diane?
Dad?!
Noooooo!
Mr. Johnson,
I'm concerned about your abilities as a chaperone.
[ Whimpering ] So am I.
♪♪
Mason: No one feels like talking, huh?
That's okay. I'm totally fine with silence.
Dr. Goldberg says I don't have to narrate everything.
Hey, did you hear
that there were some kids making out?
[ Whimpers ]
I wonder if there's some pictures of that.
That'd be nice to see.
Oh, but then again,
I also think that young lovers deserve privacy.
Mason? Mm-hmm?
How about we, uh, don't talk?
You got it.
Does this car have air bags?
Mason, I said please don't talk!
[ Door opens ] Hi!
Dre: Go upstairs, and don't come out until I figure out
what to do with both of you.
Go!
What happened? Why are you back so soon,
and why -- why do you have pit stains?
Did you dance?
You know who you married.
I'm never gonna dance again.
Your son set off a glitter bomb...
[ Groans ] ...and your daughter -- your --
[voice breaking] your daughter, she broke my heart.
How? [ Whimpers ]
I saw her kissing a boy!
Oh!
That is so exciting!
Oh, my God!
What a moment! It's not a moment, Bow!
It was gross. Oh, come on.
It was a head-wobbling,
open-mouth, public slob down.
How long were you watching?
Long enough. I saw everything.
Damn it! I should've never got that LASIK.
Dre, Diane kissing a boy
is normal and healthy.
We -- We should be excited for her,
not shaming her.
That does not even sound right, Bow! What?
Public kissing is how a girl gets a reputation. Oh, my God.
And it's my job to make sure she does not become "that girl."
That kind of talk
is going to make her feel ashamed about her body
and about kissing and about natural exploration.
Will you please stop talking, Bow? No, you stop talking, Dre!
I am gonna go and reassure Diane
about this exciting and special night
that you have made very, very weird.
Unbelievable.
Diane, Mommy's coming!
♪♪
[ Exhales deeply ]
♪♪
I'm Devante. I'm a toddler.
The natural flow of the park sends me in...
this direction!
[ Grunts ]
Come on, Bubbasnug.
Ah, boom!
Found it! Really?
No-- Oh, it's just a gently used diaper.
Okay, that's the third diaper you've found.
Can we just run and get him a new pacifier?
[ Scoffs ] Pacifier?
You think I've been acting like a jerk
for a pacifier?
No, he needs his Bubbasnug.
You know what we should do?
Break into the Bubbasnug factory... Get in the car...
...in Fontana. ...and go home.
I thought we were gonna say the same thing.
Look, Junior,
I haven't said anything, but every date night,
something like this comes up.
Last week, we missed the burger pop-up
because you had to watch Devante.
Dad had Clipper tickets.
Against Charlotte!
He needed a night! So do we!
I blew off my friends to hang out with you.
I don't care about this stupid Bubbasnug.
Wow. That says it all.
That says what?
That you're like that.
That I'm "like" what?
♪♪
Hi.
Is Dad ever gonna talk to me again?
Of course he is.
Your dad and I are so excited for you.
That's not true.
He wouldn't look at me the whole way home.
Honey, look, your dad is just hung up
on the fact that he still sees you as his little girl.
But, sweetheart,
what you did is completely natural for a kid your age.
Seriously.
And I'm here so you can tell me all about it, okay?
I'm your sounding board. Okay.
So, what's his name?
Jalen. Jalen!
What? [ Giggles ]
He sounds so cute. Is he cute?
Yeah. [ Chuckles ] I knew it.
I have never known an ugly Jalen. What else?
He's in eighth grade. Okay.
He's on the debate team. That's how we met.
So he's smart. Mm-hmm.
Nice. I love it. What else?
Well, he's the lead in the spring musical.
[ Gasps ] Show biz. Okay, okay.
So, how did this whole thing unfold?
Well, we met up at the dance... Okay.
Hey, Diane.
Hi.
You look great.
Thanks.
You, too. Yeah, but you look better.
[ Both chuckle ]
...and...
then we kissed.
[ Crying ] Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Yes, tell me more.
So Bow was trying to get me to see Diane in a new light,
but I was struggling.
It was my instinct to protect my little girl,
find out who this boy was,
and how long it had been going on.
But maybe Bow was right.
Nope. Bow was wrong.
Who is the boy?!
What is his name?!
Uh-uh-uh, I don't know!
Uh-uh-uh, figure it out, Glitter Bomber!
You are staring at six months hard no-screen time.
I'm not rolling over on my twin.
So you're good with not being able to upload
your idiotic challenge videos.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, th-that's my brand.
Give...me...a...name!!
Okay, okay, Jalen --
Jalen Hunter!
Good.
Now, how long has this been going on?
Uh, I don't know,
probably since she and Ricky broke up.
Ricky?
There's another boy?!
Oh, God. I've said too much.
Oh, she's gonna kill me and make it look like an accident.
Oh, you've got to tell her I-I didn't break easy,
pl--please -- Shut up!
Eight months no screen time now.
We don't like snitches.
What?
[ Door opens ]
Damn it, Jack. [ Door slams ]
Well, excuse me for being a Black man in America
trying to do right by a kid who's not my own.
Exactly! He's not your own.
I didn't sign up to date a single father.
Didn't sign up for this?
Wow. It -- It feels like you've had that one
loaded up for a while.
You know what?
I don't think this is gonna work out.
♪♪
This is so nice. Mm-hmm.
Just sitting here, relating,
being in your safe space.
Thanks, Mom. Yeah.
You know, all my friends are jealous of me.
Jealous of the bond that we have.
It's about honesty
and keeping that door open.
Mm-hmm. [ Drill whirring ]
What is that?
[ Thud ] [ Gasps ]
Dad?!
Dre, what are you doing?!
I'm doing what I need to do to protect my daughter.
And that means no more privacy,
because it's clearly shown to me
that you've had too much of it!
All she did was kiss a boy.
Oh, really?
Did she tell you about Ricky?
Who's Ricky? Sweetheart?
Sweetie? Who --
Who's Ricky?!
He was a guy I used to hang out with.
Okay, wait a minute.
Did you or did you not
have your first kiss with Jalen?
I mean...
[ Drill whirring, Dre groaning ]
I can't believe this!
You let me believe
that Jalen was your first kiss!
What else are you not telling me?
Mom, it's not like that.
So you didn't have a boyfriend that you kept hidden from us?
I mean...
Oh, my God.
I thought we were connecting!
I thought I was your safe space!
Hold my gun, Bow. Hold my gun.
[ Drill whirs ] Okay, Diane. This is it!
No more boys!
No more privacy!
You are living your life out in the open.
You are living in piles now, young lady!
Mom, are you really going to let him do this?!
Yes, I am! And I am gonna get involved.
No more safe spaces for you.
You give me your phone.
It's right there.
Give me your burner.
What's a burner?
Don't insult me.
Come on!
[ Drill whirring, phone cracks ]
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Belt jingles ]
I can't believe it's come to this. What?
I don't want to go through Diane's phone.
W-Why did we never have this problem with Zoey?
That's because Zoey never kissed a boy.
You know Zoey's done a lot more than kiss a boy.
Mnh-mnh. We had a huge fight about it
last year, Dre. You know what?
I blocked that entire period from my memory.
[ Quietly ] Of course you did.
Lost a lot of things.
Like, I can't remember who won March Madness
or Devante's first steps, but you know what?
[ Glass thuds ] [ Inhales sharply ]
It was worth it.
Maybe it's because Zoey always acted
like she had everything under control, you know?
She -- Like, she never needed my help,
but Diane always comes to me with this kind of stuff.
Okay, baby, if she's not gonna talk to you,
maybe we should just lock her down.
What? She is just a little girl.
Dre... Is she?
She's 13.
When I was 13, I was managing an Arby's.
Yeah. We baby our kids longer than we used to.
The twins are our babies.
They were your babies. That's your problem.
You keep seeing them for who they were,
not for who they are.
Now, they're in separate rooms.
Diane's had her period,
and Jack has a training mustache.
You know what? You're right.
I know the kids are getting older,
and I'm okay with that. I just --
[ Sighs ] I just wish Diane
wouldn't keep these kinds of things from me.
Oh, so when you were her age,
you told your mom about all the boys you were with?
Oh, no. And you're still close with her...
Yeah. ...even though she's terrible.
Oh, my God.
Look, I don't know if I can keep her safe
if she doesn't tell us stuff.
If y'all keep acting all crazy,
she's gonna tell you less.
Now, like it or not, she's gonna have a door,
and it's up to y'all
whether it's the door to her room
or the door to her heart.
Okay? Mm.
What are you doing?
Why are you reading? Jack: [ Sighs ]
Dad banned me from screens,
so I got into Grandma's books. Mm.
Did you know that women have rich inner lives?
And a married man's never gonna leave his wife?
You know, Jack?
I, too, have been waiting to exhale.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Niecy dumped me. Hang on.
Let me get into real-talk position.
[ Sighs ]
You know, I don't know what went --
I don't know what went wr--
[ Grunts ]
Proceed.
I don't know what went wrong, you know?
I took her to the park in the middle of the night,
we hopped in the sand, and I made her look
for Devante's Bubbasnug for two and a half hours.
Mm.
Huh, you know, now that I put it all together,
I was being a little crazy.
I'm gonna call her and patch it up.
No, no, no, no.
You weren't being crazy.
You were just being Junior.
Are you going to be somebody else just for her?
Look...
when Gloria finally found a man that accepted her
for who she was, she found happiness.
That's what I want for you.
I want that for me. Then what you need to do
is put that phone down
and get into these books, playboy.
Knock, knock.
That's what it would sound like
if I didn't take your door off.
Well, I'm not hiding anything in this pile.
I'm just trying to find a shirt to sleep in.
Baby girl, I'm sorry I went a little nuts.
Me, too.
Just, we thought we had more time.
But you're -- you're a young woman now,
and there's gonna be things in your life
that I'm not a part of.
Like kissing.
Well...
it wasn't kissing, babe. Please focus.
I can't get it out of my mind. That's not what we're here to do. All right?
Okay. Okay. Sweetheart.
We just need open communication,
and we can accept that
you're not gonna tell us everything.
But I really want you to know
that you can tell us anything.
Okay? Okay.
I hear you, and I'll do better. Okay.
And I promise I will talk to...Mom.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. [ Exhales sharply ]
That's definitely the better way to go. Works for me.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I think I was actually
mad at you for growing up.
That's not your fault. I can't stop time, baby girl.
I'm sorry. I love you.
Okay?
Okay. Mm.
And here's your phone.
Jalen texted you four times...
Oh! ...to see if you're okay.
He might be a keeper.
Okay. And since you're old enough to kiss a boy,
you are old enough
to put your door back on yourself.
I've done it before. It's fine.
Yeah, I'll get the drill for you.
You know how to put a door on?
Mm-hmm. Where'd you learn that?
♪♪
[ Luke Skyywalker's "I Wanna Rock" playing ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
I was wrong, Dre!
You should have danced!
You should always dance!
[ Crowd chanting "Dad!" ]
♪♪
Aah!
What you have to ask yourself...
[ Car key clicks ]
...is this your dream
or mine?