Dre: Football.
It's been a touchy subject lately,
but I'm pretty sure you all know who I'm with.
Oh, I stand with you, Kaep.
But this?
It's gonna take a full seven months for me to get there.
Regardless of all that,
growing up, I loved playing football.
It was always my dream that one day,
I would have a son who would follow in my footsteps.
And that dream came true when Jack came home and said this.
I made the football team!
Oh! Wh--
What?! You did?!
Oh!
[ Grunts ]
Ohh!
I finally have a real son!
Wow! That was unbelievable!
Play that back.
Yeah, we gotta see that again.
He sees his man,
and look how fast he stops feeding that baby.
Boy, he does not give a damn.
[ Chuckling ] No, sir.
And can we just talk about this guy's footwork?
The way he accelerates through the gap,
blowing right past whoever that other kid is.
He does not love him as much. Mnh-mnh.
[ Screams in slow-mo ] And check this out.
There's not one, not two,
but three points of contact with his son.
I'll tell you what, that kid's gonna feel that tomorrow.
And maybe for the rest of his life. Mm.
Real son, I'm gonna buy you a car.
You're looking at Valley Glen Prep Middle School's
newest punt returner, Jack "Tiny Dancer" Johnson.
Dre: Oh, we've got to celebrate!
Finally got an athlete in the family!
Hey! I play soccer. Yeah.
And I was captain of the field hockey team.
♪♪
Must you always bring that up?
Sweetheart, I had no idea
that you were interested in football.
I mean, I love sports and I love dancing. Yeah. Hmm.
So a sport with dancing?
Sign me up! Mm-hmm.
Also, I got you guys something. Oh, let's see.
Oh, look!
"Proud Parent of a Valley Glen Prep Athlete."
I can't wait to put this on my car.
Wait, what happened to
"My Benz is allergic to bumper stickers"?
You never put one on when I was playing field hockey.
I wasn't a proud parent, okay?
Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.
I knew the answer.
I just wanted to hear you say it with your face.
Look, Dad, you're making too big a deal of this.
Even Mason made the team, and he can't catch or run.
But they said to play left guard,
all you got to do is take up space.
I played left guard. Rainbow: Oh, boy.
And I took up space.
Do I love Mason?
Maybe I should get two bumper stickers for my car.
Why not three, playboy? Ha!
Also, I need you to sign this permission slip so I can play.
Alright, playboy.
Oh! Oh, intercepted!
Ahh! [ Cackles ]
Do you mind, sweetheart, just giving your dad and I a second?
Yeah. Yeah.
Go put that on my bumper. Alright.
The back bumper.
Pa-- Pass the ball! [ Laughs ]
That's so exciting, huh? [ Grunts ]
Football, football, right?
Alright, sweetheart, yeah.
I know you and Jack are really excited about this, huh?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
There's no way he can play. What?
Dre, with everything that we know
about CTE and concussions? [ Sighs ]
This is all I ever dreamed about as a father,
so please don't take this away from me.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Dre, this is about your dream?
Let me talk to you.
[ Uplifting music plays ]
Football isn't just a game.
Alright?
It's a way to get through life.
And at one point in every man's life,
there comes a time when he gets knocked down.
So I'm asking you right here, right now...
♪♪
...when our son gets knocked down...
what do you want him to do?
I want him to get back up!
I said, what do you want him to do?!
I want him to get back up, sir!
Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!
[ Music stops ] Dre? Are you done?
Yeah, I'm done.
Jack and Diane get all those life lessons
from soccer.
That is ridiculous, because soccer is stupid.
[ Sighs ]
Andre Johnson.
Yes.
He's not playing football.
[ Inhales sharply ]
End of story.
Clean this [bleep] up.
♪♪
Diane: Hey, Junior, I need a favor.
Can you take me and Jalen
to the Cheesecake Machine on Saturday?
Are you asking me to chaperone
your very first date with your very first boyfriend?
And you think I'm not gonna cry?
Don't make me regret this.
Look, Mom or Dad would make it weird,
and I just want my first date to be special.
Is it too much to ask for a little magic in my life?
Ah!
Well, if you're in the mood for magic --
No one is ever in the mood for magic.
Hurtful.
But I would be honored to be your chaperone.
Thank you.
Just... please give us space.
Okay.
Is this much enough?
How about this much? Mnh-mnh. I'm good.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Still got it.
I made you a green one...
Guys, I need your help.
Alright.
Bow will not let Jack play football
because she says it's too dangerous.
Ohh! Ohh! My God. What?!
Football is too dangerous? Really?
What's next? She wants to take away our elephant guns, too?
[ Laughter ] Come on!
No matter what I say, she won't budge.
Okay, but if Jack doesn't play football, Dre,
how else is he gonna become a man?
At least tell me that she's gonna get him a prostitute.
What?
I'm starting to feel like she's an unfit mother.
Dre, if you decide to leave her, I won't hold it against you.
Let me know when you leave her.
Just send me an e-mail or text or something, huh?
Look, she doesn't understand how important this is.
Football was the best part of my childhood.
Hey. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Me too.
Oh, the crisp autumn mornings... Mm.
Yeah. ...the late-night practices...
the way Cindy Demito just lifted me to the top of the pyramid.
Guys, look, I don't know how I'm gonna get Bow over her fear
of Jack getting a concussion.
Eh, concussions get a bad rap.
I got one skiing, and it's had zero effect on me.
Dre: Really? Yeah.
So concussions aren't that bad?
Eh, concussions get a bad rap.
I got one skiing, and it has had zero effect on me.
There, there, little bear. You're in a loop.
[ Snaps fingers ] Come on back. Come on back.
There we go.
Listen, Dre. Dre: Hmm?
Life is risky, huh?
I mean, what are you gonna do,
bubble-wrap Jack so he can never do the thing he loves?
Come on! You know what?
I am not.
Why should he give up something that I love -- There you go.
I mean, he loves? Right, right, right.
Alright, because this is about him, not me. Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Right?
You know what, I got this. There you go.
Josh: Tell her!
Eh, concussions get a bad rap.
I got one skiing.
It's had zero effect on me.
Okay. Alright.
Yeah, you're done with that.
Here we go, pumpkin.
Stevens was right. Everything comes with a risk.
So I did a little research.
Hey, babe. Hey!
What's up? Bad news.
What happened?
Diane can't play soccer anymore.
[ Gasps ]
Did she kick another teacher?
Worse.
Girls' soccer has the highest proportion
of traumatic brain injuries.
Really? Yes.
Hmm. So no more girls' soccer.
Oh. Okay.
Buh-bye, girl power and self-esteem. Well --
What? You know, I can't believe
that shin guards were her only protection.
Well, I mean, it's j-- In football, they wear shoulder pads...
Uh-huh. Okay -- ...elbow pads, knee pads,
tailbone pads, rib pads, and a neck collar...
Mm-hmm. ...with a helmet
designed by the ladies in "Hidden Figures."
What? They did everything.
They're just that good.
Okay.
I see what you're doing here, Dre.
What am I doing?
You think you're smarter than me.
Well...
So no soccer for Diane...
Nope.
...and no football for Jack.
Huh.
Well, you're gonna have to be the one
to crush Jack's dream, Bow.
Jack!
We need to talk football! Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we do. Oh, yeah, we do.
Coach said I need to start eating better. Okay.
More protein, fruits, veggies,
less candy shaped like food.
I mean, you've got to put premium in a Ferrari.
[ Crunch ]
Do you have a concussion already?
What is happening to you?
I'm just keeping my body right and my mind tight.
Now, can you quiz me on European history?
I need a 2.0 GPA if I'm going to play in the game coming up.
Okay.
So, you're making a lot of changes
'cause you want to play football.
Well, I'm not doing it
because I love myself or I want to learn stuff.
Uh-huh.
So, isn't there something...
you want to... tell Jack?
Y-Yes.
I would like to tell...
you, Jack, that I am...
so happy for you, sweetheart.
And you can... try football.
Dre: Great! Yes!
For a couple of weeks.
Great!
Because I've already forged your signature on the slip
and turned it in last Thursday.
Okay, that's great.
Ahh! Look at my football-playing son.
Uh-huh! Working on his end zone dance!
Gooooaaaaal!
Wrong sport, son, but that's okay.
We'll -- We'll work on that.
Ladies and gentlemen... Jack Johnson!
Rainbow: Okay. [ Laughs ]
Number 81 in the program, but number 1 in your hearts.
Oh!
That's an 18, buddy. Rainbow: Yes, it is.
Oh. I was in the mirror.
That's a bad one even for Jack.
Did you get hit in practice? Mnh-mnh.
Follow my finger, please.
Very good.
Alphabet backwards.
Um...
A, B, C...
Boom! Oh, my God.
Still Jack. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Alright, no need for concussion protocol.
The boy didn't get hit!
Because I'm so quick.
So quick. Ha ha!
Yeah! Low center of gravity.
Oh! High escapability and good hands, like hooves!
Oh! Oh, my --
Like his Pops, not like you, Dre.
Wow, Pops.
I've never seen you take an interest
in any of the kids' sports.
It's football.
Oh -- Wo-- Okay.
Ahh! Dre: He's right.
Babe. Yes?
Today was the single greatest day of my life.
Really? Yeah.
Watching Jack on the football field was incredible.
Aww.
And that wasn't even the best part.
Pops: Hey, look out, look out!
Oh! That's it! Move it, son! There you go!
That's my boy!
Look out, look out, look out, look out!
[ Laughs ] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, yeah!
You know what? Jack being good at football makes me like you more.
[ Laughs ]
[ Soft music plays ]
[ Sobs ]
Thank you, football.
Are you --
Are you crying?
[ Voice breaking ] This game...
has given me everything I've ever wanted.
I feel the same way!
You know what I just realized? Hmm?
All those college football games I've been watching,
those kids are in college.
I...
I want to go to college.
[ Soft music plays ]
[ Voice breaking ] W-What?
Mom, are you -- are -- are you crying?
[ Sobs ]
Touch it.
Yes, I am. Touch it.
I'm crying, sweetheart.
[ Breathing shakily ]
Oh, God.
[ Crying ] Thank you, football.
Thank you.
[ Marching band plays ]
Together: Eagles!
Eagles!
Alright, that's my son right there!
That's my grandson! [ Laughs ]
Hi, sweetheart. Go, Jack!
[ Players screaming ]
Eagles, let's go!
Looking good, Jack!
Okay, you know what? I-I can't.
I thought I could do this. I can't. I can't. What?
They are tiny, tiny little boys!
My womb is aching.
Okay. That's a sign. I got to go get a snack.
Alright. Alright. Excuse me. Getting a snack. Sorry.
Excuse me. [ Whistle blows ]
Hey, you're Jack's father.
Yeah.
Yeah. Heard some great things about your son.
Ah. Well, you know, I couldn't be prouder.
Hey, if you're a shady college recruiter,
Jack will go anywhere as long as you buy his grandad a Cadillac.
[ Chuckling ] I got it. Yeah.
[ Chuckling ] He's not lying.
Hey, which one's your kid?
Oh, my son's right here.
Oh. Well, why isn't he playing, man?
He -- He's a tank.
Oh, naw, I'll never let him play.
Yeah, me neither.
What? Your kid's got weak legs?
They weren't born with the gift, like mine.
Nah, football's just way too dangerous.
You got a future to think about, don't you, bud?
[ Laughs ]
Crowd: [ Chanting ] Let's go, Eagles! Let's go!
Let's go, Eagles!
Hey, Pops, there's a lot of parents out here
who aren't letting their kids play
but enjoy the hell out of watching other parents' kids play.
Seems like the only thing you enjoy is talking.
Why don't you be quiet so I can watch the game?
Okay. Alright. I'll watch the game.
Where's the girl with the beer at, anyway?
[ Exhales sharply ]
Alright!
You two have fun.
I will stay out of your hair but close if you need my help.
That is the chaperone's code!
[ Chuckles ]
Wow! The Cheesecake Machine is popping.
Good job getting a reservation.
Wait. We need a reservation?
You didn't make a reservation?
Hey, it's -- it's fine. [ Chuckles ]
No. Let your chaperone handle this.
Alright?
Heeeeeey! Hi.
So, I've got some crazy kids over there on their first date,
trying to create some magic.
They need a table ASAP.
A nice one, with a view of the Sephora. [ Chuckles ]
It's gonna be 90 minutes.
Alright.
She said it's gonna be 90 minutes.
Luckily, I know a little hack
to get this buzzer to go off, alright?
Jalen, spot me.
[ Keys jingle ]
So, all you need to do is pry the right spot and...
And we're getting it --
[ Zap ] Ohh!
Nice job, chap'.
Okay, guys. You know -- You know what?
I know another hack, and that is called confidence.
I'm gonna get you seated.
Hey.
Hi.
It's me again.
I remember you.
Is there really nothing you can do for these kids?
I mean, they gave you their hearts,
and you gave them this broken buzzer.
Sir, did you tamper with this?
Oh. Uh, no.
These buzzers are custom-made
at our Cheesecake Machine factory.
I'm sorry. Your whole party has to go.
[ Chuckling ] Or...just hear me out.
You kick out this bozo and you let us sit down, right?
You think I want to kick three black kids out of here?
I'm gonna be on Instagram for this.
They're gonna call me Cheesecake Cathy.
Hey, you can go viral. [ Chuckles ]
No, not the good kind.
Not the good kind. You know that.
[ Marching band plays in distance ]
So, Jack is eating better... Mm.
...and his grades are up. Oh, good.
I mean, and now when he signs his name,
the "K" is facing in the right direction.
[ Chuckles ]
But football -- honestly, I'm just gonna say this.
I, um...
I thought I could get on board [Laughs] for watching this,
but I can't -- I can't do it.
You want me to be your eyes and ears for you?
Do it for me, Janine. You got it.
I'm asking that of you. Please do it. You got it. Alright. Alright. Alright.
They got the football, and they're running. They're running. Okay.
[ Crowd gasps ] Oh!
Oh, no! What happened?! That kid got hit really hard.
No! Oh, my God. A helmet fell off.
No! [ Laughs ] No, it's the way it fell off. It's funny.
Who? Is it mine? Which one? Whose? I can't tell who it is.
It's a kid with a teeny, tiny, little body.
My kid has a teeny, tiny body.
Oh! That is not the way a leg goes.
My kid has a leg! My kid has a leg! That is bad.
N-- No, Jack's on the bench drinking water!
I should've led with that. Your kid's fine!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Crowd groans ]
Oh! Ohh!
Nice hit!
[ Laughing ] Glad that's not my kid.
[ Laughs ]
Uh-oh. What's happening?
Well, it appears Dad's starting to see football
in a whole new light.
Man: Come on, Eagles.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Yeah! Oooooh!
He got jacked up!
Is he okay?
Oh, I doubt it.
Way to go, Eagles!
[ Indistinct talking ]
Um, I do not think that this is okay.
This is not okay. No, no. No, no, no, no. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay. It's -- Oh, God!
It's okay, right, Pops?
Yeah, it's alright. It's football, ain't it?
Uh-huh.
Al: Phew! That was close.
For a second there, I thought these two lifelong fans
were having doubts about this very complicated sport.
[ Whistle blows ]
Here we go. Here's your son's big moment.
What?
You must be excited, huh?
Oh, uh... Okay.
Yeah, that's one word for it.
Al: Uh-oh.
Now that his son has taken the field,
it's getting personal. Yeah.
Ooh, Dad does not seem psyched.
Yeah, even Granddad knows this isn't cool,
and he bets on horse fights.
Their small son is set to receive.
[ Whistle blows ]
And, boy, it is hitting them now.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Kick is up.
It is high and deep.
That's gonna give these defenders
plenty of time to get down there and hit that little guy.
Mm.
He's got it! He's off!
Jack! Jack!
[ Whistle blows ] Al: What the [bleep]?!
I can't -- I can't lose my only good son!
[ Whistle blows ]
Wow. I've never seen that before.
Yeah, this is crazy!
We'll sort all this out after these ads
for jeans that make your [bleep] look big. Oh.
You carried that boy off the field
like Whitney in "The Bodyguard."
Your thigh okay? [ Grunts ] Yeah.
Is it chafing? Uh, just a little bit.
Okay. [ Grunts ]
Here. Okay.
I need some ice, too. Ohh. There you go.
I didn't even complete my first play!
So, when did you suddenly change your mind about football?
It's just... son...
I love football. Alright? It's a great game.
But I just couldn't sit there and watch people beat you up
for other people's entertainment.
It felt wrong.
Can I not play anymore?
I'm sorry, son.
But I'm finally great at something!
Everyone was yelling my name!
Dad, you were so proud of me.
I'm always proud of you.
Not football proud.
It --
You put my face on a sweatshirt.
Yes.
Do I even have to bring up the bumper stickers?
Yeah, you'll never sell that car now.
Jack, I'm proud of you for so many other reasons.
You are an incredible kid.
And maybe I haven't been loud about it in the past,
but I promise you this --
I will be football proud of you
in whatever it is that you do.
This is so unfair.
Is he gonna hate me forever?
Probably. Yeah.
But all parents have to do what's best for their kids,
and you're doing what's best, son.
This is what's best.
Hold on.
Yeah?
You're proud of me, Pops?
Yeah.
Not football proud.
Ohh.
I mean, seriously?
[ Door closes ]
[ Knock on door ]
Heeeeeeey!
I've got a surprise for you!
[ Sighs ]
Is it a new big brother?
I-I deserve that.
I'm sorry.
Mm-hmm.
I was just trying to look out for you
because you're my little sister.
But I went about it in the wrong way.
Now, let me try and make it up to you.
Come on.
♪♪
[ Violin music playing ]
Hey.
I found a place with no wait.
Hey, Jalen.
This is...
magical.
How'd you do all this?
Let's just say I've got the hook-up.
Is it Target?
It's Target.
Unlike a certain restaurant,
their app hasn't banished me forever,
so I ordered a bunch of stuff and picked it up that day.
I'll be back to check on you.
But not too often.
[ Chuckles ] Thanks.
[ Music continues ]
[ Sighs ]
This is so nice.
Yeah. Worth the wait.
Finally a moment alone.
♪♪
[ Blinds clatter ]
Hands to yourself, buster!
I'm sorry.
H-He's a narc.
[ Chuckles, clears throat ]
So, after my talk with Jack,
I realized I was wrong.
There was another way he could enjoy football.
See? Flag football.
It's just as exciting. It's just as fun.
Goooooooal! Mnh!
Owwwwww!
♪♪
This is like vegan cheese, son.
I don't see the point.
I mean, I thought we had something there for a minute.
I don't love you anymore.
Well...
it was fun while it lasted.
♪♪
Andre Johnson. Dad.
H.U.!
Dr. Rainbow Johnson.
Doctor.
Brown undergrad,
USC Medical School.
Doctor.
I am a doctor.
Andre Johnson Jr.
Howard...briefly.
Jack Johnson.
Kick returner.
Clown College applicant.
[ Horn honks ]
Earl Johnson.
University of None of Your Damn Business!
Somebody better come and get this thing off me.
[ Feedback ]
[ Scoffs ] I am not doing this.
♪♪
-Mom! -Shh! Daddy's working!
♪♪