1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:05,695
Every garage eventually
turns into a family museum
2
00:00:05,697 --> 00:00:09,625
full of forgotten treasures.
Oh-ho, babe! Look what I found!
3
00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:10,964
The twins' onesies
4
00:00:10,966 --> 00:00:13,310
from our "we're in the White House" party!
5
00:00:13,312 --> 00:00:15,890
- So cute. Wow.
- Oh, wow!
6
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:18,578
I spilled a whole lot of kir
royale on our babies.
7
00:00:18,580 --> 00:00:20,781
And mixed in with all those memories,
8
00:00:20,783 --> 00:00:23,568
there's always something
that's better off left buried.
9
00:00:23,570 --> 00:00:27,029
Babe, this entire box is filled
with your hair experiments.
10
00:00:27,031 --> 00:00:28,781
Look at this. Oh, relaxer.
11
00:00:29,718 --> 00:00:31,352
All your picks.
12
00:00:31,354 --> 00:00:34,351
Styling "gelée."
13
00:00:34,353 --> 00:00:37,263
- It laid it down. It laid it down.
- Yeah, it did, but it's gone now.
14
00:00:37,265 --> 00:00:39,926
But every now and then,
amidst the garbage,
15
00:00:39,928 --> 00:00:42,810
you stumble across
that one timeless gem.
16
00:00:42,812 --> 00:00:44,169
- Hey.
- Hmm?
17
00:00:44,171 --> 00:00:45,015
Look at this.
18
00:00:45,017 --> 00:00:46,534
- Let me see.
- Junior's old mitt.
19
00:00:46,536 --> 00:00:47,640
Oh, my goodness.
20
00:00:47,642 --> 00:00:50,609
I remember the day I realized
that he was not going to make me
21
00:00:50,611 --> 00:00:52,937
a proud father on the baseball field.
22
00:00:52,939 --> 00:00:55,807
- Oh, wow. They grow up so fast.
- I'm telling you.
23
00:00:55,809 --> 00:00:57,187
Whoa, whoa, where are you going?
24
00:00:57,189 --> 00:00:59,393
I'm gonna go play catch with
my son before it gets too late,
25
00:00:59,395 --> 00:01:00,765
like "cat's in the cradle."
26
00:01:01,689 --> 00:01:04,373
Hey, Junior!
Look what I found in the garage!
27
00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:05,385
Your old baseball...
28
00:01:05,387 --> 00:01:07,853
Dad, no! No!
29
00:01:12,896 --> 00:01:15,320
Go! Go!
30
00:01:17,397 --> 00:01:19,965
Turns out, the cat was out of the cradle,
31
00:01:19,967 --> 00:01:21,890
and it winked right at me.
32
00:01:22,039 --> 00:01:24,008
SO1EO2
"The Talk"
33
00:01:24,010 --> 00:01:26,779
sync and correction by solfieri
www.Addic7ed.com
34
00:01:27,804 --> 00:01:29,874
So, after you bailed on the garage,
35
00:01:29,876 --> 00:01:32,132
I gave everything to the gardener,
36
00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:35,815
so don't be surprised if you see
Pedro wearing a Jheri Curl.
37
00:01:35,817 --> 00:01:37,181
You okay, babe?
38
00:01:37,183 --> 00:01:38,617
You having a little traffic jam?
39
00:01:38,619 --> 00:01:40,031
I'm fine.
40
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,521
You pulled something playing
catch yesterday, didn't you?
41
00:01:42,523 --> 00:01:45,391
Stretching does
not make you gay, Dre.
42
00:01:45,393 --> 00:01:47,727
I accidentally walked in on Junior,
43
00:01:47,729 --> 00:01:52,333
as he was engaged...
In hand-to-gland combat.
44
00:01:52,335 --> 00:01:53,401
Oh, God.
45
00:01:53,403 --> 00:01:55,104
He's been doing that for a while.
46
00:01:55,106 --> 00:01:58,826
He was even afraid he was gonna
break it from doing it too much.
47
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:01,179
- Adorable. Oh, my God.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
48
00:02:01,181 --> 00:02:02,546
He came to you with this?
49
00:02:02,548 --> 00:02:06,676
- Yeah. When we had the talk.
- You and Junior had the talk without me?
50
00:02:06,678 --> 00:02:09,313
Babe, how could you keep me out
of the sex-talk loop?
51
00:02:09,315 --> 00:02:10,867
Dre, please.
52
00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:13,757
You are uptight
with this kind of thing.
53
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,710
I mean, look at the way
you wear a towel.
54
00:02:17,155 --> 00:02:18,539
_
55
00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:20,171
_
56
00:02:21,526 --> 00:02:24,015
Just because you grew up
in a houseful of naked hippies
57
00:02:24,017 --> 00:02:25,417
doesn't make you Dr. Ruth.
58
00:02:25,419 --> 00:02:27,817
My parents talked to us openly
about everything,
59
00:02:27,819 --> 00:02:29,460
and that's why the kids come to me.
60
00:02:29,462 --> 00:02:33,598
- Uh, hmm.
- It's what I do, and I do it pretty good.
61
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,812
Zoey hasn't said two
words to you all month.
62
00:02:35,814 --> 00:02:37,367
- She's going through
a phase. - Uh-huh.
63
00:02:37,369 --> 00:02:39,169
She'll talk to me if
it's about something big,
64
00:02:39,171 --> 00:02:41,625
unless you want to talk to
her about her menstrual cramps.
65
00:02:41,627 --> 00:02:43,295
- I just might.
- Okay.
66
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:46,482
Right after I get into the
sex-talk loop with Junior...
67
00:02:46,484 --> 00:02:47,750
- Mm-hmm.
- ... Hater.
68
00:02:47,752 --> 00:02:49,281
Ow!
69
00:02:50,718 --> 00:02:52,617
There's my boy...
70
00:02:53,078 --> 00:02:55,426
A boy about to become a man
71
00:02:55,428 --> 00:02:59,187
with the sexual wisdom only
a father can throw down...
72
00:03:00,429 --> 00:03:02,140
After work.
73
00:03:03,645 --> 00:03:05,406
I can't believe this is happening to me.
74
00:03:05,408 --> 00:03:06,875
I'm devastated.
75
00:03:06,877 --> 00:03:09,265
- Devastated!
- Is everything okay, hon?
76
00:03:09,267 --> 00:03:10,742
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
77
00:03:10,744 --> 00:03:12,398
It's so not okay.
78
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,200
I mean, I'm seriously gonna cry all night.
79
00:03:14,202 --> 00:03:17,257
Sounds kind of big. You know
you can always talk to me.
80
00:03:17,259 --> 00:03:18,740
- I'm fine, mom.
- Okay.
81
00:03:18,742 --> 00:03:20,203
Kill me. I can honestly not...
82
00:03:20,205 --> 00:03:23,252
I'm just saying, I'm that
type of mom. I'm very open.
83
00:03:23,254 --> 00:03:26,718
You know, my parents never
wore clothes, so...
84
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,153
It's nothing.
85
00:03:28,155 --> 00:03:31,341
It's totally world-ending.
86
00:03:31,343 --> 00:03:34,093
- Meet me in the bathroom. Bring tissues.
- What...
87
00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,061
He actually said that?
88
00:03:37,063 --> 00:03:38,820
Have a great day, sweetheart.
89
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:45,507
Hey, Dre. How's life?
90
00:03:45,509 --> 00:03:47,765
Ah, well, this L.A.
tourism account is really...
91
00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,375
No, no, no, no, no. Not work life...
92
00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:50,578
Life life.
93
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:53,335
You are, uh... you're part
of my inner circle now.
94
00:03:53,337 --> 00:03:56,812
Hearing that validates the
struggle of my entire journey.
95
00:03:56,814 --> 00:04:00,554
And H.R. says if I occasionally
ask about your personal lives,
96
00:04:00,556 --> 00:04:02,695
it reduces the risk of an office shooting.
97
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,250
Okay, well, since you
asked, you have a son, right?
98
00:04:07,252 --> 00:04:10,921
- Uh-huh.
- How did you go about giving him the talk?
99
00:04:10,923 --> 00:04:14,701
Oh, the "stop being rude to your
26-year-old-stepmother talk"?
100
00:04:14,703 --> 00:04:16,375
It is a minefield.
101
00:04:16,385 --> 00:04:19,765
No, no, no. I mean the sex talk.
102
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:20,765
Oh, that was easier.
103
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:23,109
I just told him what my father told me.
104
00:04:23,111 --> 00:04:25,546
- What?
- "Out of state, out of mind."
105
00:04:27,018 --> 00:04:30,117
You know, my pops
never gave me the talk.
106
00:04:30,119 --> 00:04:32,921
Hell, I didn't see him without
his shoes on till I was 30.
107
00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:35,341
Oh, well, don't worry, Dre.
You got this.
108
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,617
You'll figure it out. You always do.
109
00:04:40,328 --> 00:04:41,562
Mom...
110
00:04:41,564 --> 00:04:42,796
I know I'm in your space.
111
00:04:42,798 --> 00:04:45,096
Just ignore me while I put away
all your clothes for you.
112
00:04:45,098 --> 00:04:48,902
No, um, do you remember that thing I was
talking about in the car this morning?
113
00:04:48,904 --> 00:04:52,414
Um... I think so. Maybe.
114
00:04:52,416 --> 00:04:55,044
I could really use your advice.
115
00:04:55,414 --> 00:04:56,367
Oh!
116
00:04:56,369 --> 00:05:00,935
Well, I'm sure I could squeeze
you in before I go in there
117
00:05:00,937 --> 00:05:03,185
and scrape the boogers
off Jack's headboard.
118
00:05:03,650 --> 00:05:06,476
Okay, well, listen to this craziness.
119
00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:10,640
- So, this girl said I took...
- I knew she'd come to me.
120
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:13,811
Why wouldn't she? I'm such a good mom.
121
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,898
She's lucky to have me.
122
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,960
"Zoey hasn't said two words
to you all month."
123
00:05:17,962 --> 00:05:19,304
Suck it, Dre.
124
00:05:19,306 --> 00:05:23,117
- Anyway, what should I do?
- What, now?
125
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:26,492
About everything I just said.
126
00:05:27,929 --> 00:05:29,460
You got any advice?
127
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:31,475
Uh... whew.
128
00:05:31,477 --> 00:05:33,585
It's a lot to chew on.
129
00:05:33,587 --> 00:05:36,589
It's like... it's a lot
of facets to this one.
130
00:05:36,591 --> 00:05:39,257
You know, it's like a little diamond. I'm
gonna... I'm gonna get back to you.
131
00:05:39,259 --> 00:05:40,937
I'm gonna think about it, so... okay?
132
00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:42,506
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get back to you.
133
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,195
- Oh, you tweaked your neck again, huh?
- Huh?
134
00:05:47,197 --> 00:05:48,897
See, that's 'cause you don't stretch.
135
00:05:48,899 --> 00:05:51,400
- I know it looks a little gay, but it works.
- What?
136
00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:54,437
I'm about to go upstairs
and give Junior the talk.
137
00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:56,201
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pops,
138
00:05:56,203 --> 00:05:58,984
- how come you never gave me the talk?
- I most certainly did.
139
00:05:58,986 --> 00:06:02,185
I mean, what do you think that box of
condoms I left in your bedroom was about?
140
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,575
That was it?
141
00:06:03,577 --> 00:06:06,677
Oh, you wanted a hug, too?
Son, listen to me.
142
00:06:06,679 --> 00:06:10,138
Don't get all caught up in this "have an
open dialogue with your kids" hoopla.
143
00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:11,390
It's not natural.
144
00:06:11,392 --> 00:06:13,727
Show me one place in the Bible
where a kid talks.
145
00:06:14,593 --> 00:06:16,753
And for God's sake, put some shoes on.
146
00:06:18,392 --> 00:06:21,273
So, nobody was any
help... Pops, my boss.
147
00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:23,410
I was on my own with Junior.
148
00:06:23,661 --> 00:06:26,257
Hey, son! It's your father!
149
00:06:26,843 --> 00:06:29,914
I'm coming in in 5... 4...
150
00:06:29,916 --> 00:06:31,278
Come in, dad.
151
00:06:31,469 --> 00:06:33,437
Whoo. Okay.
152
00:06:33,771 --> 00:06:36,507
I'm sorry about yesterday. I guess
I should have locked the door.
153
00:06:36,509 --> 00:06:40,009
All right. No need to apologize.
You're a man, and that's what men do.
154
00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,912
Not me as much.
155
00:06:41,914 --> 00:06:45,484
Let's talk about it...
Anything and everything.
156
00:06:45,849 --> 00:06:47,550
Let's get our sex talk on.
157
00:06:47,552 --> 00:06:49,953
Oh, uh, mom covered it all pretty good.
158
00:06:49,955 --> 00:06:51,804
Yeah, maybe about the birds and the bees,
159
00:06:51,806 --> 00:06:54,141
but I'm your daddy, son, and
I'm here to keep it one hundred.
160
00:06:54,143 --> 00:06:57,025
All right, despite the fact that
your mother thinks I'm uptight.
161
00:06:57,027 --> 00:06:58,427
Cray-cray, right?
162
00:06:58,429 --> 00:06:59,943
I'm comfortable.
163
00:07:01,298 --> 00:07:03,732
I'm gonna show you how comfortable I am.
164
00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:05,023
Mm-hmm.
165
00:07:09,239 --> 00:07:10,242
What's that?
166
00:07:10,244 --> 00:07:12,054
Just a comfortable man with no shirt on,
167
00:07:12,056 --> 00:07:14,008
talking to his son about nasty stuff.
168
00:07:16,445 --> 00:07:18,546
Ooh, really feeling the A.C. in here.
169
00:07:18,548 --> 00:07:19,945
Am I standing under a vent?
170
00:07:26,132 --> 00:07:28,089
Trying to do telekinesis again?
171
00:07:28,091 --> 00:07:29,524
You don't have it.
172
00:07:29,526 --> 00:07:31,294
I left my karaoke mike in there,
173
00:07:31,296 --> 00:07:33,891
but I heard dad's giving Junior "the talk."
174
00:07:33,893 --> 00:07:35,128
What talk?
175
00:07:35,130 --> 00:07:36,343
I don't know.
176
00:07:36,345 --> 00:07:39,166
So, let's talk next level.
177
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:42,828
So, what's it like, having sex?
178
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,938
Whoa! Just gonna...
179
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,707
Just gonna jump right in
there like that, huh, son?
180
00:07:46,709 --> 00:07:50,164
Okay, uh, I guess we're
really doing this, huh?
181
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:52,093
Let me figure this out. Uh...
182
00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:55,867
Well, where do we start?
183
00:07:57,804 --> 00:08:00,621
Body spray. Bad name. All right?
184
00:08:00,623 --> 00:08:02,724
Son, if you want to attract a woman,
185
00:08:02,726 --> 00:08:05,101
you never spray this on your body.
186
00:08:05,103 --> 00:08:07,279
All right? You just spray
it in the air like that.
187
00:08:07,281 --> 00:08:08,677
And you walk through it.
188
00:08:08,679 --> 00:08:10,578
Whoo! That's cold.
189
00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:12,701
Kind of tingles
when you're topless.
190
00:08:12,703 --> 00:08:15,218
You getting all this, son? You
need a notebook or something?
191
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:16,984
I want the talk.
192
00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:19,771
Me too. I need the talk.
193
00:08:19,773 --> 00:08:23,445
I think he's getting it because he's
always in his room with the door closed.
194
00:08:23,447 --> 00:08:24,814
Oh, really?
195
00:08:24,816 --> 00:08:26,828
Well, three can play at that game.
196
00:08:36,589 --> 00:08:38,123
Now what?
197
00:08:38,125 --> 00:08:40,176
Now we wait.
198
00:08:40,178 --> 00:08:42,309
But your date could keep kosher,
199
00:08:42,311 --> 00:08:46,047
so don't lean too heavy on the Oyster card.
200
00:08:46,049 --> 00:08:48,018
All right? Hey, don't worry.
201
00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:50,192
It all gets easier when you can drink.
202
00:08:51,339 --> 00:08:52,723
You don't have to raise your hand, son.
203
00:08:52,725 --> 00:08:55,881
Dad, I appreciate all this
advanced dating advice,
204
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:58,129
- but there's other stuff.
- Hmm. Okay.
205
00:08:58,131 --> 00:09:00,676
I heard some kids talking about oral.
206
00:09:02,948 --> 00:09:04,129
Oh.
207
00:09:04,534 --> 00:09:06,370
Okay. Um...
208
00:09:06,973 --> 00:09:08,512
I would stay away from that.
209
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:11,282
You know, a kid like
you with wheat allergies.
210
00:09:13,785 --> 00:09:15,207
All right, um...
211
00:09:15,209 --> 00:09:19,551
So, show me which one of your
crew has the most busted face.
212
00:09:19,553 --> 00:09:22,455
Okay? Because... that's
gonna be your wingman.
213
00:09:22,457 --> 00:09:24,224
By yourself, you're beautiful.
214
00:09:24,226 --> 00:09:28,082
But next to him, you'll be
Denzel Clooney Kodjoe chestnut.
215
00:09:29,674 --> 00:09:32,976
1... 2... 3.
216
00:09:32,978 --> 00:09:34,801
Okay, I just needed to do three.
217
00:09:34,803 --> 00:09:37,285
Finally, son, when it comes to movie dates,
218
00:09:37,287 --> 00:09:39,387
never pick a movie that'll make you cry.
219
00:09:39,389 --> 00:09:41,882
That means no urban
coming-of-age stories.
220
00:09:41,884 --> 00:09:43,746
The brother always gets shot at the end.
221
00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:44,985
Good talk, son.
222
00:09:49,192 --> 00:09:50,700
Nailed it!
223
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:56,174
So, after a day of dishing
out sweet knowledge to my boy,
224
00:09:56,176 --> 00:10:00,424
I rewarded myself with a cinnamon stick
while letting bow chew on her defeat.
225
00:10:00,426 --> 00:10:03,624
The boy drank deep from
the Dre well today, baby.
226
00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:06,408
I will accept my apology in words or...
227
00:10:07,198 --> 00:10:08,528
Apology for what?
228
00:10:08,530 --> 00:10:10,563
Because somebody said
that I couldn't do it,
229
00:10:10,565 --> 00:10:13,334
that it wasn't in me, but it is.
230
00:10:13,336 --> 00:10:16,450
Now, who do I e-mail
to give a T.E.Di. sex talk?
231
00:10:16,452 --> 00:10:18,606
- So, what did you talk about?
- The fundamentals.
232
00:10:18,608 --> 00:10:19,637
Like what?
233
00:10:19,639 --> 00:10:21,409
- Signature fragrance... boom.
- Mm-hmm.
234
00:10:21,411 --> 00:10:23,011
Fly outfits... boom.
235
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:26,487
And how to navigate urban
terrain... double boom.
236
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:30,012
Great, so you taught
our kid how to be a pimp?
237
00:10:30,014 --> 00:10:32,229
Baby, I think you're
confusing "pimp" with "player."
238
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:34,722
You know, that's a common
two-parent-home mistake.
239
00:10:34,724 --> 00:10:39,926
So, basically, Junior had
a heart-to-heart with ice-t.
240
00:10:40,637 --> 00:10:46,283
Babe, I had the sex talk
with our son, shirt off.
241
00:10:46,285 --> 00:10:48,018
Why was your shirt off?
242
00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:49,435
Because I'm free.
243
00:10:49,437 --> 00:10:50,715
You're not free.
244
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:52,596
- Oh, you're laughing. Okay.
- I'm laughing.
245
00:10:52,598 --> 00:10:53,941
Well, if you want a good-night kiss,
246
00:10:53,943 --> 00:10:56,364
you know where to find me
and my sweet cinnamony lips.
247
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,716
You're really not gonna
come over here and get none?
248
00:11:03,718 --> 00:11:05,604
Babe, they're like two baked apples
249
00:11:05,606 --> 00:11:07,035
just lying on my face.
250
00:11:08,332 --> 00:11:10,724
We've been in here for a whole day,
251
00:11:10,726 --> 00:11:12,869
and no one's given us the talk.
252
00:11:14,028 --> 00:11:16,795
That's it. Time to make something happen.
253
00:11:16,797 --> 00:11:18,543
Plus, I really got to pee.
254
00:11:23,403 --> 00:11:25,538
- Hey!
- Hey.
255
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:27,673
Hey, so, I was thinking really hard
256
00:11:27,675 --> 00:11:30,575
about everything that you
told me yesterday about...
257
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:33,814
Hmm?
258
00:11:34,426 --> 00:11:36,957
- What are you talking about?
- Mm, mm.
259
00:11:37,483 --> 00:11:39,951
It's just that, you know, with all the...
260
00:11:39,953 --> 00:11:42,354
The craziness about...
261
00:11:42,356 --> 00:11:46,004
You know? So... hmm?
262
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:52,864
- Mom?
- No? Hmm?
263
00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:55,231
It's super rude to talk
with food in your mouth.
264
00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:56,551
Of course, yes.
265
00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:58,049
I mean, you know?
266
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,963
- Hmm.
- Oh.
267
00:11:59,965 --> 00:12:03,106
- More drama from you-know-who.
- Oh, I know who.
268
00:12:03,108 --> 00:12:06,977
I... you don't have to
tell me about... them.
269
00:12:09,483 --> 00:12:10,301
- Mom?
- Hmm?
270
00:12:10,303 --> 00:12:12,168
We're wondering if we could talk...
271
00:12:12,170 --> 00:12:14,192
You know, "talk"... because...
272
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:16,887
Not now. I'm trying to be a
good mom who listens better.
273
00:12:19,051 --> 00:12:21,557
Maybe we should do
something to get the talk.
274
00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:23,561
Something good or something bad?
275
00:12:23,563 --> 00:12:25,529
You take good. I'll take bad.
276
00:12:25,531 --> 00:12:27,721
- I want bad!
- We'll flip for it.
277
00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:30,401
Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.
278
00:12:30,403 --> 00:12:32,105
Deal! Come on, heads!
279
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,942
No wait. Tails!
280
00:12:34,944 --> 00:12:38,457
No wait. Tails?
281
00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:42,698
There's a supreme
satisfaction a man attains
282
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,880
when he's opened the door
of knowledge to his son.
283
00:12:44,882 --> 00:12:47,479
Hey, dad, can we have another... talk?
284
00:12:47,481 --> 00:12:50,690
What? But I may have accidentally
opened a revolving door.
285
00:12:50,692 --> 00:12:52,877
Hey, what are you doing?
286
00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:54,442
Our sex-talk ritual.
287
00:12:54,444 --> 00:12:56,846
We had the sex talk yesterday, man.
288
00:12:56,848 --> 00:12:58,092
Remember? I nailed it.
289
00:12:58,094 --> 00:13:00,651
Yeah, but I just have
some follow-up questions.
290
00:13:00,653 --> 00:13:04,705
Ohh. I heard these seniors talking
about a position called the triceratops.
291
00:13:04,707 --> 00:13:06,100
What is that, exactly?
292
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:10,244
To be honest, son, I can't keep up with all
that new stuff, especially being married.
293
00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:11,740
Let's Google it.
294
00:13:11,742 --> 00:13:14,721
T-r-i-s...
295
00:13:14,723 --> 00:13:15,576
It's with a "C."
296
00:13:15,578 --> 00:13:19,096
Uh, don't care. Auto correct.
Spelling is for suckers.
297
00:13:20,350 --> 00:13:21,784
Oh!
298
00:13:21,786 --> 00:13:24,362
Oh, delete! Delete search history!
299
00:13:24,364 --> 00:13:26,122
- Oh, my God!
- What was it?
300
00:13:26,124 --> 00:13:27,619
- Can we talk about it?
- Uh...
301
00:13:27,621 --> 00:13:29,213
I have other questions, too.
302
00:13:29,215 --> 00:13:30,558
Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?
303
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,861
I'm a little too bloated
to go shirtless right now.
304
00:13:32,863 --> 00:13:34,164
I could go talk to mom.
305
00:13:34,166 --> 00:13:36,002
Yeah. Well, hey, hey, ho.
306
00:13:36,004 --> 00:13:38,731
No, no. Remember, I'm your guy.
307
00:13:40,475 --> 00:13:42,970
All right, look, I'll meet
you upstairs in an hour.
308
00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:45,705
All right. Just knock first.
309
00:13:45,707 --> 00:13:47,660
Oh. Oh, trust me, I will.
310
00:13:47,662 --> 00:13:50,567
- Hate to say I told you so.
- No, you don't.
311
00:13:50,569 --> 00:13:52,283
You would marry "I told you so"
312
00:13:52,285 --> 00:13:54,776
and have a baby with it and
buy adjoining burial plots.
313
00:13:54,778 --> 00:13:55,682
Just saying.
314
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:59,241
You opened Pandora's box
and a triceratops jumped out.
315
00:14:03,153 --> 00:14:05,746
So, she said those exact words?
316
00:14:06,254 --> 00:14:08,263
Ugh! I just want to scream!
317
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:11,877
Oh, I feel you, sweetheart.
318
00:14:11,879 --> 00:14:14,987
Oh, I mean, the whole
thing just drives me nuts.
319
00:14:14,989 --> 00:14:16,303
Ohh!
320
00:14:16,305 --> 00:14:18,635
But you know what?
321
00:14:18,637 --> 00:14:22,104
Sometimes it helps if you
play the whole thing out
322
00:14:22,106 --> 00:14:23,976
from the other person's perspective.
323
00:14:23,978 --> 00:14:26,879
You know, it'll help give you
clarity so you can resolve it.
324
00:14:26,881 --> 00:14:29,448
So, I, like, just think it all
through from the other side?
325
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:31,618
Yes. Uh, but you want to, um...
326
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:35,666
You want to say it out loud so
you hear the emotional nuances.
327
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:38,840
You know? That's the
important part... out loud.
328
00:14:39,554 --> 00:14:41,360
Okay, so, here it goes.
329
00:14:41,362 --> 00:14:44,158
So, last week, there's this
girl named Zoey who has an...
330
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,658
I can't believe she fell for it.
331
00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:49,908
Even when I'm a bad mom, I'm a great mom.
332
00:14:49,910 --> 00:14:52,705
It's amazing how I can
get anything out of anyone.
333
00:14:52,707 --> 00:14:54,692
The C.I.A. should be all moms...
334
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:58,443
Moms like me... basically just me.
335
00:14:58,445 --> 00:15:00,012
There it is.
336
00:15:00,014 --> 00:15:02,629
I never told anybody that last part.
337
00:15:03,664 --> 00:15:05,035
Thoughts?
338
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:09,688
_
339
00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:12,635
Which is they call it
a devil's threesome...
340
00:15:12,637 --> 00:15:15,693
Unless you're in Prague,
where it's just called "sex."
341
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:21,041
That is absolutely,
positively everything, son.
342
00:15:21,043 --> 00:15:24,315
See? This is good multitasking.
343
00:15:24,317 --> 00:15:27,804
'Cause two shirtless dudes just
standing around, talking about sex,
344
00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:29,574
starts to look weird after a while.
345
00:15:29,576 --> 00:15:31,778
Oh, wait, dad. Just one more thing.
346
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:35,783
Please, Barbell, just
slip and fall on my throat.
347
00:15:37,184 --> 00:15:40,221
I'm just wondering. When
should I start manscaping?
348
00:15:40,223 --> 00:15:41,098
It's patchy,
349
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:44,168
but I feel like things are
gonna get crazy down there.
350
00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:47,744
Sometimes I look around the locker room
to gauge where I am on the spectrum.
351
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:50,360
I think hunter Kang-Nussbaum
caught me peeking.
352
00:15:50,362 --> 00:15:52,455
Then the lunch lady popped into my head.
353
00:15:52,457 --> 00:15:55,963
I'm not even attracted to her,
but now I have to avoid her line.
354
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:59,102
She serves the tater
tots, so that kills me!
355
00:15:59,104 --> 00:16:01,105
- I love tater tots.
- This is hell.
356
00:16:01,107 --> 00:16:03,877
I hate to admit it, but
pops may have been right.
357
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,707
I've created a sex-talking monster.
358
00:16:06,709 --> 00:16:10,174
But the other day, I
actually cried afterwards...
359
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:14,151
Not from sadness, just from
a lot of emotions, you know?
360
00:16:14,153 --> 00:16:16,252
He's not even asking questions anymore...
361
00:16:16,254 --> 00:16:19,692
Just brutal, unfiltered,
nonstop oversharing.
362
00:16:19,694 --> 00:16:22,026
You know who really gets me there?
363
00:16:22,028 --> 00:16:24,573
Helen Mirren. Is that weird?
364
00:16:24,575 --> 00:16:26,590
You know what? I don't even care.
365
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,791
After four days of hearing
Junior's innermost sexual thoughts,
366
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:38,330
you can color me done.
367
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:40,901
But I can't hurt his
feelings by telling him that.
368
00:16:40,903 --> 00:16:41,940
Hey, dad?
369
00:16:41,942 --> 00:16:43,143
♪ Let's talk about sex ♪
370
00:16:43,145 --> 00:16:46,068
So I'll just do everything in my power...
371
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:48,942
- ♪ It keeps coming up anyhow
- ... To avoid him at all costs.
372
00:16:48,944 --> 00:16:51,746
♪ Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic♪
373
00:16:51,748 --> 00:16:52,543
- ♪ 'Cause that ain't gonna stop it ♪
374
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,576
- Oh, my God.
- Dad? Dad.
375
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:56,340
♪ Let's talk about sex baby ♪
- Hey, do you think we could talk about...
376
00:16:56,342 --> 00:16:58,748
♪ Let's talk about you and me ♪
377
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,684
♪ Let's talk about all the good things ♪
378
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:03,143
♪ and the bad things that may be ♪
379
00:17:03,145 --> 00:17:04,987
♪ let's talk about sex ♪
380
00:17:04,989 --> 00:17:07,323
♪ let's talk about sex ♪
381
00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:09,693
♪ let's talk about sex ♪
382
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,829
♪ let's talk about sex ♪
383
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:14,260
Dre, what are you doing?
384
00:17:14,262 --> 00:17:17,213
Watching a movie on my phone,
'cause I'm hiding from my son.
385
00:17:17,215 --> 00:17:19,132
What else would I be doing
in the laundry room?
386
00:17:19,134 --> 00:17:21,503
- How long have you been in here?
- How long is "The Godfather?"
387
00:17:21,505 --> 00:17:22,905
You know what? I can't judge you.
388
00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:26,237
My mom game hit an all-time low with Zoey.
389
00:17:26,239 --> 00:17:29,378
Could have been her bestie.
Completely blew it... twice.
390
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:32,127
- Parenting is hard.
- Yeah.
391
00:17:32,129 --> 00:17:35,483
Hey... let's stay in here
for the rest of the week.
392
00:17:35,485 --> 00:17:37,541
You know what we could
do while we're in here?
393
00:17:37,543 --> 00:17:38,787
What?
394
00:17:38,789 --> 00:17:40,651
Fold some clothes.
395
00:17:40,653 --> 00:17:43,031
- I'm gonna go talk to Junior.
- What?
396
00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:46,780
Zoey?
397
00:17:47,531 --> 00:17:48,960
Hi.
398
00:17:50,468 --> 00:17:52,799
Listen truth be told,
399
00:17:52,801 --> 00:17:55,130
because I was so excited
about you telling me
400
00:17:55,132 --> 00:17:56,466
what was going on in your life,
401
00:17:56,468 --> 00:17:58,794
I have no idea what's
going on in your life.
402
00:17:58,796 --> 00:18:01,841
Yeah, I kind of picked up on that
when you left me hanging for a week,
403
00:18:01,843 --> 00:18:03,804
so I talked to pops.
404
00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:09,287
- You talked to pops?
- Yeah, he gave me some awesome advice.
405
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,498
You should cherish him more.
406
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,318
Uh-huh.
407
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,708
Thank you, Zozo.
408
00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:15,219
- Good night.
- Yeah.
409
00:18:15,221 --> 00:18:16,328
Okay.
410
00:18:18,609 --> 00:18:21,632
You have got to tell me what she said.
411
00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:25,032
I have absolutely no idea.
I mean, I listened to her,
412
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:28,000
gave her some generic advice
in a deep, soothing voice.
413
00:18:28,610 --> 00:18:30,045
I Morgan freeman-ed her.
414
00:18:37,171 --> 00:18:39,560
- Hey.
- Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here.
415
00:18:39,562 --> 00:18:42,382
- I've got some...
- Nope. No. I'm done.
416
00:18:42,648 --> 00:18:45,146
Son, look, the last few days
417
00:18:45,148 --> 00:18:48,076
have been the most open
and honest we've ever had...
418
00:18:48,422 --> 00:18:49,699
And I hated it.
419
00:18:50,210 --> 00:18:51,500
Hey, not you.
420
00:18:51,758 --> 00:18:54,912
I love you. Love you, son.
421
00:18:54,914 --> 00:18:56,628
That's why I wanted to be a part of this.
422
00:18:56,630 --> 00:19:00,646
I-I wanted to be in the loop...
But only for the big stuff.
423
00:19:00,648 --> 00:19:02,301
I don't need the play-by-play.
424
00:19:02,303 --> 00:19:05,951
- Oh, you mean like how I enjoy...
- Exactly. Mnh.
425
00:19:05,953 --> 00:19:08,490
Keep going to your mother
with the day-to-day, all right?
426
00:19:08,492 --> 00:19:10,445
She lives for this stuff.
427
00:19:10,968 --> 00:19:13,835
But the big stuff? I'm your guy.
428
00:19:14,181 --> 00:19:16,682
I will always take my shirt off for you.
429
00:19:16,684 --> 00:19:20,521
Um, dad, I talked to my friends about that,
430
00:19:20,523 --> 00:19:22,154
and that's not a thing.
431
00:19:22,156 --> 00:19:23,320
Son...
432
00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:26,091
It's our thing.
433
00:19:26,093 --> 00:19:28,117
No, seriously, dad, it's weird.
434
00:19:35,015 --> 00:19:38,468
Wow. You're ninja-quiet.
435
00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:40,927
I've been watching you, son...
436
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:43,279
Watching you try and connect up with Junior
437
00:19:43,281 --> 00:19:44,631
the last couple of days.
438
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:45,949
I have to say,
439
00:19:46,694 --> 00:19:48,139
it's embarrassing.
440
00:19:48,742 --> 00:19:50,281
I hear you, pops.
441
00:19:50,283 --> 00:19:53,412
What you're saying is, you regret
never having the talk with me,
442
00:19:53,414 --> 00:19:56,154
which meant I didn't have the tools
to have the talk with Junior.
443
00:19:56,156 --> 00:19:57,724
That's not even close to what I'm saying.
444
00:19:57,726 --> 00:19:58,523
I get it.
445
00:19:58,525 --> 00:20:01,325
You were busy working
hard, providing for us,
446
00:20:01,327 --> 00:20:03,894
and communicating openly with your kids
447
00:20:03,896 --> 00:20:06,804
wasn't a priority for your generation.
448
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,365
Could have made it a
priority. Chose not to.
449
00:20:10,452 --> 00:20:12,460
But you're proud of me for trying.
450
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:18,608
Every day.
451
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,710
Wow.
452
00:20:20,712 --> 00:20:24,249
That was a lot better than when
he gave me a box of condoms.
453
00:20:24,251 --> 00:20:27,250
So, Junior and pops...
454
00:20:27,252 --> 00:20:30,054
Two moments of real personal growth.
455
00:20:30,056 --> 00:20:32,258
Now, I know it might have been greedy,
456
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:34,396
but I was gonna go for a third.
457
00:20:34,398 --> 00:20:37,263
Dre... this has gone too far.
458
00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:40,497
- You haven't worn clothes for two days.
- Clothes are for suckers.
459
00:20:40,499 --> 00:20:42,834
I'm gonna go outside and get the paper.
460
00:20:45,031 --> 00:20:47,671
While you're out there,
you might as well get the mail, too.
461
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,380
Do you realize we've gotten less attention
462
00:20:55,382 --> 00:20:57,865
in the last week by trying to get attention?
463
00:20:57,867 --> 00:21:00,203
I can't even get mom to comb my hair.
464
00:21:00,205 --> 00:21:03,021
Well, if they're not gonna
give us the talk,
465
00:21:03,023 --> 00:21:04,195
let's give it to each other.
466
00:21:04,197 --> 00:21:06,068
We don't even know what the talk's about.
467
00:21:06,070 --> 00:21:09,279
- All I know is that you lower your voice...
- ... And sound serious.
468
00:21:09,281 --> 00:21:10,611
I can do that.
469
00:21:10,613 --> 00:21:12,302
Okay. Let's do it.
470
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:14,591
Diane, I'd like to talk to you
471
00:21:14,593 --> 00:21:17,186
about the difference between jam and jelly.
472
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:20,505
- Now, I think...
- Unh. Let me stop you right there.
473
00:21:20,507 --> 00:21:22,109
You're boring me.
474
00:21:24,202 --> 00:21:26,202
sync and correction by solfieri
www.Addic7ed.com