Happy Father's Day!
Boy, you know your daddy ain't here.
And you better eat every bite of that damn food!
Wasting that cream of wheat.
But with a dad who was a bit of a rolling stone,
it wasn't always so easy.
So, when I got a family of my own,
I made a point to be a father my kids could celebrate.
Unfortunately, that didn't matter much,
because Father's Day is a damn joke.
No love, crappy gifts, lonely hobo breakfast.
It pales in comparison to...
- Happy Mother's Day! - Oh!
We made you a trio of omelets.
Guess which one has caviar!
- Which one? - Hint It's all three!
Sorry it's so small.
- The florist only had 60 perfect roses left. - Aww.
Which is why we had to call another florist!
Aw, my babies!
Come get in bed!
Snuggle, snuggle up with mama!
Aww, get in here.
Oh, my God.
Nice. All righty.
But in truth, Father's Day never even had a chance,
coming just weeks after Mother's Day,
cowering in its shadow.
Poor thing was doomed to fail.
Basically, it's the hanukkah of Mother's Day.
Which is why my colleagues and I came up with a new holiday.
Time for the world to say hello to...
What the hell is Daddy's Day?
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Hurry your asses up!
All right!
The daddy day rundown is about to begin!
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Okay, hold... hold... hold... hold on, sucka.
That seat is reserved for Zoey.
She's the oldest,
and I'm gonna need her to run point on this.
You can cop a squat on the floor.
Dre, Dre ...He's not a dog.
Sweetie, come here. Come sit here.
Thanks, Mom.
All right, fine.
Now, look.
We're starting this new holiday initiative at work
called Daddy's Day.
And it's everything that Father's Day is not.
That's why we're having it in the fall...
far from the tyranny of Mother's Day.
I love Mother's Day.
It should get a whole month.
I love mom. Love you, Mom.
Aww, ditto, kiddo!
Who wants ice cream?!
Oh, my goodness.
Focus!
I expect professional-quality cards,
each with a heartfelt message, okay?
Top-shelf gifts. No mugs.
Or ties from my closet that I already own.
All right.
Now, regarding your soundtrack of love for me.
You know, just incorporate my name
into some of the classics, like...
Cele-Dre good times, come on!
Boom, boom, boom, let's cele-Dre.
- I'm sorry... - Whoo!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Huh? What?
Sweetheart, did you actually spend time at work
coming up with this ridiculous idea?
- Ridiculous? - Yeah.
This is going to be huge!
We already have a list of potential sponsors
that we're gonna pitch.
Coke owns Christmas. Hallmark owns "Valentime's."
Picture this...
bud light presents Daddy's Day!
Whoo!
- We winning! We winning! - Dre, Dre.
Hmm?
There is nothing wrong with old-school Father's Day.
Yeah, maybe if you're an old-school father
who just came home, downed his scotch,
beat his kids, and went to sleep.
I am so tired of hearing you whine about that.
Oh, and by the way, dummy, this is the dumbest idea
of all the dumb ideas you ever had.
See?
This sweet kiss of sunshine is the dude
that Father's Day was built for.
Me, I'm different.
I take my kids to soccer practice.
I help my children with they homework.
I wore a Bjorn, damn it!
Is that that little half-bra
with the baby hanging out the front?
You know, you really ought to stop mentioning that, son.
Ooh, a family meeting. I'll be in my room.
Come on, Resheida.
Hey, hey, hey, hold Hold... hold...
where are you going?
- To my room. I... I just said that. - Perfect example.
Had you spoken to an old-school father that way,
he would have knocked all your teeth out.
- Wisdom teeth included. - See?
You know what? I'm gonna call myself an Uber,
'cause it looks like you about to get a whoopin'.
Okay, look. I'll make it quick, all right?
There's a new holiday Daddy's Day...
sweeping the nation,
spearheaded by your main man, driggity.
- Okay, you girls should go. - Yeah.
All right, you have till Sunday!
No.
Come on!
Dismissed!
Hey, thanks for sticking up for me earlier, Mom.
You know, letting me sit on the couch like a human and all.
Aww, yeah, your dad is hard on you.
- He is, right?! - Yeah.
Me and my blog aren't the only ones who see it.
Mnh-mnh.
Look, take the night off.
Kick your feet up.
I got the laundry.
Really?
You're just buttering me up 'cause you want, like,
a new wizard hat or something.
No, I'm just giving back
to someone who gives me endless love.
Shut it!
Aw, my sweet baby boy.
- You got a good kid there. - I know.
I mean, he's like He's like a peach.
Look at him.
- It just shows he loves you. - Yeah.
No matter how disappointing you are as a mother.
Recycle that.
Aw, man.
- This makes me want to be a daddy so baddy. - Ugh.
Hey, is it true that babies have to love you,
no matter what?
Depends... can you fill your breasts with milk?
Bruh, just carry a pocket full of sugar with you.
That's why babies call me the snowman.
Guys, this is a great idea,
but where is the global reach, huh?
We have got to cram this idea down the world's throat.
What if we custom-branded the day
for each international market?
Like, St. Dad-Rick's Day in Ireland.
Outstanding.
Get ready for Pop-toberfest, Germany!
What about our low-riding hombres South of the border?
Cinco De Daddio.
Bonjour, Dads-tille Day!
What? I'm sorry.
I thought we were just vomiting out bad ideas.
- Is that not... - Well, of course you don't understand, Lucy,
because you're not a father.
So until you have sired two beautiful baby boys,
shipped them away at the age of 3 to a Swiss boarding school,
and then bribed a U.S. senator to get them off
separate but equally gruesome murder charges,
you stand down there, sweet pea.
Dre, how's the casting going for the Daddy's Day commercial?
I haven't found the perfect kid yet.
Dre, we have got to get this right.
Now, if we cannot sell this idea stateside,
how on earth are we gonna sell Rama-dad?
Yeah, Dre, this is important.
Me helping craft out a strong view on fatherhood
would look really good in front of a judge
at my son's custody hearing.
Oh, crap. It was yesterday.
Well, let me go call eustace and tell him goodbye.
Look, what we need is a real kid with real energy, right?
- But not fat. People hate fat. - Ugh.
- Dre. - Hmm?
What about casting your daughter, Scott?
- Zoey? - Whatever. Would she do it?
I mean, she is beautiful and racially ambiguous.
No one can be mad.
Great idea.
Offensively put, but I think I can make that happen.
Boom.
Shackalacka.
Zoey's face was right, but her attitude was wrong.
If I was going to get her psyched about Daddy's Day,
I need to get her psyched about daddy.
Knock, knock!
Who wants a driving lesson in daddy's benz?
Hey, Zoey, will you stop texting and answer me?
Oh, I just texted you no.
What are you talking about?
You've been begging for more lessons for months.
Yeah, but you're not exactly the best teacher.
You get a little yelly.
Yelling is caring.
Oh, yo, Mr. J.,
did Zoey tell you
I've been thinking about that Daddy's Day thing?
No, I did not.
Real talk, you need to change it from Sunday to Monday.
But that's Columbus day. Pfft, and?
Everybody knows Columbus day is, like, crazy racist.
So, you just put Daddy's Day in there
and make it a three-day weekend.
Okay. I'm intrigued.
You've got your barbecue on Saturday,
white linen party on Sunday, and then Monday,
you get to kick back and get your daddy on.
Wow. I'm not gonna lie, Resheida.
You've cracked this wide open.
Well, I don't really get to see my dad,
so I think the ones that stick around should be celebrated.
See that, Zoey?
Your sad friend gets it.
Before I got my scholarship to valley prep,
seeing a daddy was like seeing a unicorn.
You know, in my neighborhood,
when there's a man in someone's house,
we usually just call the cops.
Oh, my God. They still do that?
Dad. Can you please go?
And next time you have what looks to be a kale salad,
you may want to floss before you start a conversation.
Resheida, how would you like to be
the official face of Daddy's Day?
- Really? - Really?
Yes.
I can't think of anyone more deserving.
Now, let me go get some floss.
Then we can go over the storyboards
about the commercial.
Okay.
Harsh lesson for Zoey to learn,
but maybe this would teach her
to respect her cool, involved dad.
Damn. Did I swallow anything?
Help, please! Bags ripping!
All eggs and bottles!
What are you doing, Mom?
You don't need to be coming home from work
and starting a whole other job.
Here.
- I made you chamomile. - What?
Aww.
My sweet, little, thoughtful love bug.
Mom! Starving!
I can't even deal.
Understood.
Hey, guys, your mom's had a long day.
- But... - And no backtalk!
If you only knew how much she does for you!
Now go clean your room!
- But we... - Quietly.
- Nicely done. - I learned from the best.
Aw, sheesh.
Oh, I had a day from hell.
Well, you're standing in a field of corn,
'cause I'm all ears.
Oh, shush.
That is how the world will meet Daddy's Day.
This is... this is dope, Mr. J.
I mean, like, you're a genius or something.
Oh, please. I don't need to hear that crap.
But, you know,
you can go ahead and tell other people.
- All right. - All right.
Dre, I got to say,
it's kind of screwed up that you cast Zoey's friend
as the face of Daddy's Day instead of your own daughter.
- No, you know what's screwed up? - Hmm?
The fact that Zoey doesn't appreciate
that she has a father.
All right, when I was growing up, hell,
hardly anybody had a daddy.
What are you talking about? Your dad was around.
Ehh...
But that's what a dad did.
I mean, I claimed you,
provided you with food, shelter, clothing,
whooped your ass, and went to the track.
Of course.
I did a year's worth of parenting
in a fraction of the time.
It was surgical daddy.
It was deadbeat daddy.
Mm-hmm.
Call it what you want.
I got in and I got out
and saved the mess that you made.
I was the Mariano Rivera of fatherhood...
hall of fame bound.
Oh, you were the worst.
But Dre's one hell of a father.
He even wore that bra thing.
Sure did.
Wore it once. Used it wrong.
May have cut off Jack's oxygen.
- We don't know. - We know.
- Yeah. We know. - Well, we know.
Look, look, look, look... the point is,
you want your kids to acknowledge all you do.
Especially your firstborn baby girl.
Hell, all a dad ever wants is the love of his daughter.
Frankly speaking,
a son is just a disappointing photocopy of yourself.
He wrote that in my 10th birthday card.
There are many ways to say it,
but only one man who deserves to hear it.
Who's your daddy?
Daddy's Day.
Ooh, black man.
All right?
- God is on his side. - Outstanding, Dre.
We are gonna make a fortune.
This must be how Jesus felt when he invented Christmas.
Okay, hey, guys, so, without further ado,
I'd like to introduce you...
To the face of Daddy's Day.
She exists. I thought she was C.G.!
And to think,
this lovely little angel doesn't even have a daddy
to soak in all that love.
She's a bastard.
She seems so normal and clean,
like a loved girl who will turn out okay,
instead of what's really gonna happen to her.
Okay, now I'm getting sad.
Mom, Resheida just texted me
and said dad's giving her a driving lesson.
Yeah, I know.
But don't let it bother you, sweetie.
I mean, she doesn't have anyone to teach her how to drive,
and you guys both have that test.
Okay.
If that's how you want to play it,
game on, square man.
How's the pressure?
Don't hold back, sweetie. Mama's not made of glass.
All right.
Parallel parking... it's the hardest part.
It's so hard, they didn't even try it
in any of the "Fast and Furiouseseses."
- Cool. - Okay, I'm just gonna need you to relax, okay?
- Okay. All right. - All right, go.
All right. Back it up. Cut the wheel to the right.
Cut the wheel down hard!
Stop, stop! It's a high curb, low door.
Oh, lord. Okay.
- Back it up? - Back it on up.
Too fast!
Cut it!
Ain't nothing parallel about this.
Ain't nothing parallel!
Did you just get up on the curb?
Aw, baby, that's my rim!
That's my rim!
Not bad.
Hey, I'm sorry I was a little tough on you.
I've been told that, you know, I'm a yeller.
Well, yelling is caring.
Uh, Mr. J., you good?
I'm good. It's... it's...
it's just that someone finally gets me.
Watch out. Baby driver coming through.
What up, big D.?
Now, when you see the police, keep going, all right?
Onward to the liquor store!
Zoey had fired her first shot, and it was a good one.
Oh, shoot.
I left all the hamburger in the car?
That meat has just been festering
in that hot trunk for, like, two days.
Don't worry, Mom. Juju's got this.
I'm s... I'm sorry, who's Who's... who's Juju?
See?
Throw him a little love, he'll do anything for you.
I know. It's like he'd die for me.
Yeah.
But the real question is Is will he kill for you?
Why would that be the question?
There will be a day.
There always is.
A day...
What?
I don't... um, okay.
So Zoey and I were locked in a major daddy-daughter standoff.
Hello, Zoey.
Hello, "Daddy."
Hope you're happy.
I failed my driver's Ed test so bad
I'm not allowed to take the real one for three months.
And this is on me how?
Your boy Charlie is a horrible teacher.
The instructor said I drove like a drunk person.
She actually gave me a breathalyzer.
Again, I don't see how this is my fault.
You turned down my lessons.
I'm a teenager. That's my job.
You're supposed to rise above it
and force me to take your lessons like a good dad.
But, no, instead, you taught Resheida how to drive
and put her in your stupid commercial.
Zoey...
Cele-Dre good times, come on!
It's a cele-dretion.
So I was not really feeling like the number-one dad in the world,
which is not what you want
when you're about to pitch a bunch of sponsors
on the concept of Daddy's Day.
Take it away, Dre.
- Dre. - Hmm?
Here we go.
Oh. Oh, my bad.
Uh, sorry. Okay. All right.
Uh, so, uh...
here we go.
Uh, we've prepared a pitch...
Uh, very big.
Very big.
It appeals to people...
Um...
Mostly men.
Yeah, just...
And the people that they make.
So I guess we can call them kids.
All right?
All right, let's just... yeah.
Uh...
I got some, um... Focus powder in my office.
Just say the word.
Uh, look... guys, I'm sorry.
Uh, I'm... I'm just a little distracted.
Uh, you see...
I've been using my daughter's friend.
No, no, no, no. Not that way.
Not that way.
She's very young.
- No. Dre. No. - Very young.
But she reminds me of my daughter, okay?
And...
She gives me things that my daughter won't.
Okay. I think we've heard enough.
We'd rather not be implicated in this.
I just...
Daddy's Day.
Well, I'm-a go get focused.
I can't believe you passed.
You're gonna have a driver's license and no dad...
living the dream.
Look, anybody is better than my dad.
Okay, I think he follows me on Instagram,
but he hasn't liked any of my pics yet.
Worthless punk.
Listen, Zo-Zo...
Uh, as a son, he's a complete disappointment,
but as a father, you have nothing to complain about.
I mean, if he did the things that he does for you
back in my day, he'd be considered a woman,
so, you know, give him a break.
You fed my babies car meat?!
Well, you were so mad at yourself
for leaving it out there,
I tried to save it so you wouldn't feel bad.
- Junior... - I'm sorry.
- I was just trying to help. - Why?!
You always look so, so, so, so very tired.
Oh, well... th-that's very sweet.
Look, Junior, why don't you go upstairs?
Maybe later we can watch a movie together.
Sweet. I love you.
Oh, I love you, too, sweetheart.
Now, that's how you raise a man.
Trust me, it's the best relationship
either of you will ever have.
Like me and my Dre.
I remember the first time Dre cooked car meat.
He got so upset,
I let him stay in the bath with me an extra two hours.
No.
No. Okay, no.
No.
The whole Dre-and-Ruby freak show
is not what's happening between me and my boy, okay?
Okay.
Mom? I cued up "Before Sunrise."
We're snuggling in your bed, right?
Oh, God.
Oh, God, I've shown that boy too much love.
- Mm-hmm. - Ugh.
I had dropped the ball at work,
but I wasn't going to keep dropping it at home.
I needed to talk to Zoey, but before I could,
she made her move.
Happy Daddy's Day!
Release daddy's pearls of wisdom.
Oh!
Present daddy's feast of strength.
Wow.
The first two stations of the daddy.
Zo-Zo, you pulled all this together for me?
Well, I mean, you're still really embarrassing
and annoying, but...
At least you're here.
Our dad.
- Daddy. - Nope, not happening.
Fair enough.
So, did you find a sponsor for your brilliant little idea?
Long story, but maybe Megan's law.
Damn it, boy! You dropped the ribs?!
Go outside and think about what you just did.
- Mom, I... - Listen to your father.
And, uh, listen here.
Nothing personal, but from now on,
we're gonna be just a normal mother and son.
Okay?
- Now he'll never kill anyone for you. - What?
I didn't...
Left alone all day, 11:59,
here you come with a bottle of scotch.
Damn, I love Daddy's Day.
- Do you want to have a drink? - Oh, yes, sir.
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