Well, I guess this is it.
I promise...
I'll never forget you.
I'd hope not. Dad, it's a two-day orientation.
Okay, maybe we could circle the block again?
Maybe we can find a Shake Shack? I hear that stuff is great.
- Dad... - Okay, you're right! You're right.
- It's just two days. - Yeah.
- Go! - Thank you...
Do it quick, get it over with!
Just rip the Band-Aid off!
And like that, I saw the little girl
whose first footsteps gave me my first tears of joy
begin to take her first steps into...
Dad, enough!
I can tell my own story.
Fine.
Just like that, I was off.
I took my first steps into the new...
Spread your wings, baby bird!
Spread your wings!
God, please give me the strength.
Where's the nearest Shake Shack?
Searching for Shake Shack nearby.
Okay, uh... as I was saying.
I took my first steps into a new world.
College... so many new faces,
so many new experiences.
Am I intimidated? No!
I'm gonna kill this thing.
Watch.
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~
So, there I was,
laying in the middle of my campus rep,
Marsha's, dorm room floor,
crying my eyes out,
feeling like my life was over.
And she walked over to me, rubbed me on my back,
looked me right in my tear-filled eyes
and said, "Stacy, don't worry.
Everyone has HPV."
That's when I knew I was home.
Go Titans.
O-kay!
Thank you, Stacy, for... that.
You know what else is communicable?
School spirit!
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Burt Parker, Dean of Students.
Now, before you break off into your tour groups,
I'd like you to meet the new president of Cal U,
Jonathan Schock.
Thank you for that heartfelt welcome,
faculty member.
It is an honor to welcome
so many bright young minds here,
to the campus of Cal U.
And I'd like to extend a very special...
"Konichiwa," "Cam cho,"
"Bonjour," "Buenos Dias,"
"Shalom," and "Assalamualaikum"
to all our cash-paying foreign students.
There will be a V.I.P. tour for you...
and mugs.
Go Titans.
Okay, group B, just introduce yourself
and tell us how you'd like to be identified.
I'll go first... I'm Stacy.
I'm a tri-racial gender-fluid panoramic demisexual
and my pronoun is "they."
Who's next?
I need to use the bathroom.
Oh... my... God. I had to get out of there.
As soon as she started talking, I was praying for a nosebleed.
Yeah, or like a wardrobe malfunction.
Or like a flash flood.
Or the discovery of a dead body.
Whoa.
Can we start over?
Can you just tell me your name and nothing else?
No pronouns, no sexual preferences,
- none of that. - Zoey.
Miriam.
Now if we actually become friends,
you'll learn things about my private life that
you can go tell other people behind my back.
Right, like you're supposed to.
Hi! I'm with the Social Justice Dance Squad.
Do you believe either the cops and/or rhythm
are gonna get you?
Uh, we're just browsing. You don't wanna...
- Thank you. - Okay.
How many super-specific groups do they need here?
I know! Like, no offense to the...
Vegan BBQ Society,
but I'm not really the "joiner" type.
♪
Excuse me, Queen.
Would you be interested in joining the BSU?
Yes! Yes, I am. Yeah?
As am I, King.
- How you doin'? - What is the BSU?
Uh....
Drop science for her, please.
Me? Oh, well.
The BSU stands for the...
uh, uh, the, uh... you know, the...
The Black... Black...
Student... Student...
Union. Union!
Black Student Union... science dropped.
I mean, come on, Miriam. This is basic stuff.
I mean, how cray would it be for me not to know
what the Black Student Union is?
Right, because you're... Y-You're black.
I am.
I'm very black.
You what would really be crazy?
If someone thought that you were a breeding representative
of the Beesu,
a new hybrid of Chinese wrinkled dog,
which is a mixture of the bijon and the shitzu.
But you're not, correct?
Charlie?
Wait. You know Professor Telphy?
- "Professor"? - Yeah.
W-what is happening right now? Why are you here?
I came out to the Club Fair to pick up some high-interest,
low-limit credit-card applications
so I could purchase a pair of silk boots
I saw your father wear once.
Mm.
Okay, ignoring that.
Charlie, why are you physically present,
here, today, at this college.
Oh! I'm an adjunct professor in marketing...
Teach a class from 12:30 to 4:00 a.m.
Who takes classes that late?
Mostly chronic insomniacs
and recovering methamphetamine addicts...
who wanna get into marketing.
Well, how do you do that and work at Stevens & Lido?
So with the Sleep Ease pillow...
you can sleep through anything.
Outstanding work, Charles.
The most important part is that I'm legally allowed
to be here.
And I can use the showers.
- Zoey! - Miriam! Hey!
Okay, well, we gotta go.
All right, hey, well, let me know
if you're interested in the BSU.
Oh, so interested.
Or if you wanna take a 1:00 a.m. class
on brand strategy with a bunch of retired prostitutes.
I'm her dad's boss.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Guys, girls, hims, hers.
Theys.
So for the fall, you can find your roommate
on the official housing list we just posted.
Oh, we should see what dorm we're living in.
Maybe we could be roomies in the fall.
And if not, we can find our assigned roommates and bully them into switching
- because we have to live together. - Oh, my God.
I was thinking the same thing. I love bullying.
I will pretend to have anger issues,
and you tell them you have IBS.
Were you really serious about joining the BSU?
I don't know. But I was very serious about how cute he was.
- He was so cute. - Oh, my God.
But I'm looking at this campus catalog
and the BSU meets, like, three times a year.
Ugh! That's basically a cult.
No, thank you.
Here I am.
Prepare to be body-shamed into a room transfer...
Kristin Papadakas.
Wait.
Ooh. Uh...
Stacy, hey! I don't see my name.
Don't worry... As long as your parents
turned in your housing form on time,
you'll be fine.
And with those simple words,
I immediately knew...
Bow! I'm stuck!
I don't wanna die like this!
Please, God, not like this!
I absolutely did not
have housing.
Yes, I'm sure, Mom.
My name is not on here!
- Zoey, calm down! Okay? - What?
I'm sure it's just a simple mistake.
It is not a simple mistake. This is that racist BS.
Shut... Dre!
Are you sure you sent in Zoey's housing forms?
- Don't do this, Bow. - What?
Not right now, okay?
Because this is about Zoey learning an important lesson
that this is how we're treated in the real world!
Okay, no... Right, you're right. Now, are you sure that
you... handled it though?
Yes, would you like me to walk you through the steps?
- Very much, I would. - Okay.
I got the paperwork...
Housing application.
Filled it out... No!
Put it in an envelope,
put a stamp on it,
and was headed to the Post Office.
Wha...?
The McRib?
And I know I dropped it off at the Post Office
because it was the same day the McRib came... back.
- Hmm. - Oh, my God.
♪
- But it was the McRib, Bow! - Oh, wha...
- The McRib! - What?
It disappears and reappears when it wants,
- like Pops! - Okay, great.
I'm sure the Housing Department will accept that
as a reasonable answer.
I'll just tell them the McRib was back!
I'll handle this myself, thanks.
Thanks for nothing.
Schock.
We've got a real problem.
You're supposed to call the president, "President."
Okay. We've got a real problem.
You're not gonna say it, are you?
We may have a meningitis outbreak.
Why does that concern me?
You mean beside the fact
that you're president of the University
and everyone in the East Dorm may need a spinal tap?
Will these spinal tapees help me get $10 mil
for the new aquatic center, huh?
I-I don't think it works like that.
Well, Parker, what would you do in this situation?
Oh, wh... What would I do?
Yes.
You mean, if the search committee had
placed value on my 30 years of academic
and administrative experience with students
rather than your rocky tenure as C.E.O. of Koo Koo Roo?
I'll have you know, people loved our mac 'n' cheese.
Loved it.
My idea. Yeah.
Well, I asked one of the students
- to meet me here so... - What?
- You did what? - Yeah.
So you could hear them complain
about the improvements they want made to Hawkins Hall.
- Hawkins? - It's the black dorm.
We have a black dorm here on campus?!
It was in the 200-page report about campus life
I was forced to write for you.
Please, just summarize it.
Well, uh, unofficially, the students have formed
a Black dorm, an Asian dorm, a Jewish dorm, a Muslim dorm,
a little person's dorm...
Well, that's actually more of a bungalow.
That's segregation!
Why don't we just burn the endowment now?
I can't have investors thinking
they're investing in "La La Land"
and then three seconds later, it's "Moonlight".
Quite a snafoo.
President Schock, I have a student out here
who wants to see you both about her housing.
Okay, she must be the Hawkins Hall student.
Uh, send her in.
We need to nip this in the bud, dude.
Yes. Okay.
This is Zoey Johnson.
Oh, uh... Hi.
Please have a seat, Miss Johnson.
Okay.
So...
I-I'm here to talk to you about my housing...
I know why you're here. He doesn't. I do.
Yes, I do.
- No, he doesn't. - Yes, I do.
And we are going to put a stop to it.
Oh!
You're putting a stop to me not having a place?
By "place," I think she means, "space."
As in "safe space."
It's a term the kids are using now
for a place they can "be themselves."
Stupid.
Or... just live?
We are not going to have a segregated dorm, young lady.
O-okay?
That sounds right...
for legal purposes.
So now you agree?
Yes...
It feels safe to say
I am firmly against segregation.
Don't try to use reverse psychology on me.
I'm the guy who took down Kenny Roger's roasters.
- I'm not... - Nice try.
- Nice catch. - Thank you.
You're welcome. Uh...
- Then it's agreed? - Wh... what's agreed?
Effective immediately, we will disband Hawkins Hall.
Oh, okay. Uh... so... So where will I live?
With everyone else.
Really? Oh! Okay.
That's great. Thank you.
- Thank you. - Hi. Thank you.
I did not expect it to go this well.
Bye.
Parker, that's how you do it.
I'll be honest.
There's a good chance she has meningitis.
So, I was killing it at college.
No surprise there.
Oh, hey!
How'd it go?
Great. Cool.
Yo! What are you guys doin'?
You guys wanna come check out the dorms?
- Yeah, I'd go anywhere with you. - What?
- Huh? - Whoa.
Uhhh, I mean...
It's... It's fine. Whatever.
Okay, well it's... Let's do it.
That way. Okay.
Why didn't you stop me?
I didn't want to.
It was funny.
Hey!
This is where you live? This is incredible.
This is the center of the diaspora.
Angela Davis, June Jordan, James Baldwin...
Some of our best and brightest
have roamed the halls of Hawkins.
Your friends sound awesome.
My friends?
- Is she serious? - Hold on. Hawkins?
Oh, God. This is the segregated dorm.
I wouldn't call it segregated, but...
- No, the Black dorm. - Well, yeah.
- I guess. - Oh, God.
This is what Schock was talking about earlier.
You talked to Schock... about Hawkins?
I mean, I tried to talk to him earlier,
but they said he was with another student.
Guess that was me.
Okay. Well, what'd he say?
He said that he, maybe, might want to shut it down.
He said what?
He might wanna shut it down.
Is she okay? Why are you talking like this?
Shut it down.
Shut it down? Sh... What? No!
I was just gonna ask him to get our upstairs toilet fixed.
And now he wants to close us? This can't be... okay.
Well, what did you say? What'd you tell him?
Oh. Okay! If I'm being honest...
I think I might've said, "great,"
and that I was "firmly against segregation."
But, you know, in any other circumstance,
that would've been the right answer.
Wow! You know, when... when you showed up
with this white chick... sorry, but you are white...
And you didn't know what the BSU was,
I could kinda tell you weren't down, you know, I get it.
But I did not think that you were against us.
Um, I'm Jewish,
and I've actually kissed two black dudes
- and let one do top stuff, so... - Please stop.
Gotcha.
Okay, I-I'm so sorry.
This is all just one big misunderstanding.
I had no idea...
Of course you had no idea,
because you're just some mixed chick
from, like, Encino, or...
Only my mom is mixed, and I'm from Sherman Oaks.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
This always happens to us, right?
Schock wants to shut us down? We'll see about that.
We're not going down without a fight. Why?
My dad's brother knows Al Sharpton's permist...
okay?
I'm talking about his perm guy.
The guy that hits him with the...
Makes it straight.
But we know him and he will... We can reach him if need...
It's on, is what I'm saying.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Yeah, you can, um...
leave.
If she's leaving, I'm leaving.
Well, of course you're leaving. That was never...
You're serious? No, yeah. You gotta go.
I didn't think you were staying.
- Thanks for nothing, sellout. - Appreciate your help, loser.
Jeez, that guy Aaron was a super bummer.
He acted like there was nowhere else he could live.
I don't think that's exactly what he was saying.
It's just that Hawkins meant a lot to him.
Jeez.
I can't believe we're never even gonna get the chance
to be roommates.
Our Drake poster was gonna go right there.
Or Elliot, you mean.
Our Drake poster was gonna go right there.
You know what?
I don't even go here yet,
and I still feel like all of this is my fault.
Aww, it's totally not your fault.
- Well, it's a little your fault. - What?
But you should not beat yourself up.
I mean, maybe just a little bit,
but then you gotta get over it, girl,
'cause there's nothing you can do.
Okay.
So, in less than a day,
I had already managed to lose my housing
and make all the black people on campus hate me.
And since everything usually works out for me,
I had no idea how I was gonna fix it.
And because things definitely couldn't get any worse,
of course they had to get weirder.
Acronyms...
The only way human beings can actually learn.
Fact!
And the key to marketing?
"BSMCRDF"...
Buy. Sell.
Marketing. Consumer.
Relatability. Demand.
An...
And Files!
Obviously, no questions, right?
'Cause I just did that.
That makes a lot of sense, Daddy,
but how do I appeal to customers
and sell products in a targeted way?
And that's a fair question, Serendipity.
You know what my answer is to that?
Passion.
I don't care if you don't remember anything I say tonight.
I don't care if you can't even remember "BSMCRDF,"
which is highly unlikely.
Remember passion.
Everyone say it with me.
- Passion. - That's right.
How do you think I became a marketing exec
at one of the top ad agencies in the country, huh?
You think I was qualified? No.
Think I had a résumé? What's that?
Did I have the strong recommendations
of a male exotic dancer who happened to be dating
the big-boned, insecure head of HR at the company?
Absolutely.
And guess what my man's stage name was?
Pashun.
See how that all worked out?
Dipity!
What's the most important part of your job in one word?
Hygiene?
I meant, well...
Yes, yes. I-I guess it is.
In your particular trade, passion would be number two.
But for everyone else,
when it comes to marketing your product
in a targeted way...?
- Passion! - That's right.
I couldn't believe it.
Charlie was actually making sense.
You see, I was expecting everything to be easy,
but sometimes you have to work hard.
You have to have passion.
So I put myself out there...
built my team...
and convinced them
that if we put our minds to it and stuck together,
with passion on our side, we couldn't lose.
Having separate houses isn't segregation...
It's congregation.
We're choosing to have our own dorms
the same way some female students choose
to go to Smith or Wellesley or Barnard.
Or how some Black students choose to go
to Clark or Morehouse or Howard.
The point is, when people come together on purpose,
it's different than when people are forced into separation.
That coming together equals culture, empowerment,
comfort, unity...
All the qualities that make us proud to be Titans.
And that's why you can't get rid of Hawkins.
Uh, Barbara,
can we get security in here, please?
Wait. W-Wait, what? No.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
This is not how it was supposed to go.
I was passionate... I was passionate, right?
And you guys were supposed to listen and agree.
This is college.
And, God, it was supposed to be fun.
I don't even have housing.
And I don't have a donor to foot the bill
for my saline solar-heated aquatic center.
And I don't have the right job.
Anyway... thank you very much, young lady.
We do appreciate your passion.
But you did not sell us.
We have that meeting with the Dean of Residential Life.
Wait a minute, sell...
Selling...
BSMCRDF!
What?
Definitely meningitis. Damn it!
Your donors aren't buying
the saline solar-heated aquatic center you're selling
because you're not marketing it to them properly.
If you want them to be consumers,
you have to relate to their demand.
Files!
I took Professor Telphy's class, too.
Filled with prostitutes, by the way.
Um... might want to look into that?
What I'm saying is that you have
something on this campus that is unique.
The way all of these groups come together here,
you get more than a college experience...
You get a cultural one.
And you guys can sell that.
Foreigners love that [bleep]
I'm sorry.
But they do.
Hmm. Selling, marketing,
foreign money.
I like it.
Parker, I can't believe
you wanted to get rid of these culturally diverse hotbeds
of student engagement.
No, no, no, I like student engagement.
And don't touch me.
When they're talking to each other,
they're not talking to me.
And even better,
maybe they could all be talking to you.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you be our new student cultural liaison?
Aah. Sounds like something that might come with housing?
- I should think so. - Wait. Really?
Okay, that's great and all,
but, you know, I'm not really even a "joiner".
Well, then you might not even be a student, then.
Well, that sounds like I don't have a choice.
That's how it's supposed to sound... good.
Then...
I'll do it?
Excellent!
Then, I will see you next year.
And if you guys could hang your head on the way out
so people don't think you got your way...
Hunch your shoulders,
sad face, walk out... very good.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
So, yeah.
This college thing wasn't as easy
as I thought it was going to be.
But, as expected,
I still ultimately killed it.
And I made two new friends.
One of which I may or may not be in love with.
I totally am.
- How was it? - It was fine.
All right.
All right. Did anything happen?
- No. - Hey...
I'm sorry about this whole housing thing.
But you can commute from home.
I actually think I worked it out.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- How? - I took Charlie's class.
His kickboxing class that he teaches in the park?
No.
His marketing class.
It turns out, Charlie is actually a beloved Professor.
Okay, you know what, baby? That's cool, that's cool.
You don't wanna tell me about your weekend. That's fine.