1
00:00:01,108 --> 00:00:02,835
15 years this month.
2
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,936
I've been married
to this beautiful creature...
3
00:00:05,937 --> 00:00:08,133
With a horribly deviated
septum.
4
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:10,859
She's got the nasal passages
of a UFC fighter.
5
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,479
My angel.
6
00:00:15,315 --> 00:00:16,548
Back in the day,
7
00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:18,617
Bow's residency schedule
was a little nuts
8
00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:19,685
and we were broke,
9
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,253
so we had a rushed wedding
10
00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:23,188
between shifts
at the hospital chapel.
11
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,591
I've only got seven minutes
till rounds.
12
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:26,844
Let's get our asses married.
13
00:00:26,845 --> 00:00:29,362
So, while this woman
was preparing herself
14
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,730
for the loss of her dad,
15
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:34,167
this woman was preparing herself
for the loss of her son.
16
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,868
Why, God?
17
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,370
Why?!
18
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,710
I can't believe
he landed this bird.
19
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,479
Love is blind as hell.
20
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,448
What the hell you crying about?
21
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:49,750
Oh, God. I got to go.
22
00:00:49,751 --> 00:00:51,218
Oh.
23
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,487
I love you! I love you!
24
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,889
Why?
25
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,725
But that was then.
Things are different now.
26
00:00:57,726 --> 00:01:00,194
And I plan to turn
that ratchet first wedding
27
00:01:00,195 --> 00:01:02,530
into a vow renewal
of the century.
28
00:01:02,531 --> 00:01:05,600
This time, I'm gonna give Bow
the party she deserves,
29
00:01:05,601 --> 00:01:07,568
and nothing can ruin that.
30
00:01:10,272 --> 00:01:11,506
What the hell?
31
00:01:11,507 --> 00:01:13,942
Nothing except Bow's parents.
32
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,810
Dre, it's 5:00 A.M.
- Shh!
33
00:01:15,810 --> 00:01:16,945
- Who's at the door?
- Hide!
34
00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:17,946
Jehovah Witnesses!
35
00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:18,880
What?!
36
00:01:18,881 --> 00:01:20,815
I can hear you, Andre.
Open the door.
37
00:01:20,816 --> 00:01:22,684
Mom? Dad?
38
00:01:22,685 --> 00:01:23,651
Don't you open that door.
39
00:01:23,652 --> 00:01:24,886
- Dre, move your foot.
- Don't you open...
40
00:01:24,887 --> 00:01:26,153
Dre, move your foot.
41
00:01:26,856 --> 00:01:28,356
Aah!
42
00:01:28,357 --> 00:01:29,724
Oh!
43
00:01:29,725 --> 00:01:31,393
Hi!
44
00:01:31,394 --> 00:01:33,194
Andre, join us!
45
00:01:33,195 --> 00:01:35,797
Let me warm that heart
with the light from within.
46
00:01:35,798 --> 00:01:37,532
I hate when my heart's warm.
47
00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:41,603
"Hate" is such a strong word.
48
00:01:41,604 --> 00:01:44,206
I dislike when my heart's warm.
49
00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:46,240
Black-ish - 01x16
Parental Guidance
50
00:01:46,241 --> 00:01:49,210
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:49,211 --> 00:01:51,646
Mom, what happened?
52
00:01:51,647 --> 00:01:55,016
Oh, I slipped
in a Mexican composting dump.
53
00:01:55,017 --> 00:01:57,185
Oh. Your trip sounds beautiful.
54
00:01:57,186 --> 00:01:58,353
Dre.
55
00:01:58,354 --> 00:02:00,021
Oh, I made great time
from the Mexican border.
56
00:02:00,022 --> 00:02:01,189
Never had to stop and fill up.
57
00:02:01,190 --> 00:02:04,359
The old RV runs on vegetable oil
and animal waste.
58
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,529
Smooth ride, crappy mileage.
59
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,697
- Get it?
- Yeah, I get it.
60
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,999
- 'Cause it runs on crap.
- Yeah.
61
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,157
I didn't know
you guys went to Mexico.
62
00:02:12,158 --> 00:02:13,526
Oh, Méjico.
63
00:02:13,527 --> 00:02:15,904
We took an agritourism trip
to San Miguel de Allende.
64
00:02:15,905 --> 00:02:17,243
She how good she is
with languages?
65
00:02:17,244 --> 00:02:20,042
- Mm-hmm.
- Worked on a farm, built walls, picked fruit.
66
00:02:20,043 --> 00:02:21,610
Ah. Sounds like slavery.
67
00:02:21,611 --> 00:02:23,612
Oh. It's different. You pay.
68
00:02:23,613 --> 00:02:25,881
Yeah, only rich people
would pay to sharecrop.
69
00:02:25,882 --> 00:02:27,450
Andre, Andre, Andre,
70
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:29,785
I understand
your need to lash out
71
00:02:29,786 --> 00:02:31,774
because you grew up
in an environment of fear.
72
00:02:31,775 --> 00:02:33,343
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
73
00:02:33,344 --> 00:02:36,192
But you're safe now.
You are loved.
74
00:02:36,193 --> 00:02:37,141
Uh, yeah, I'm cool, Alicia.
75
00:02:37,142 --> 00:02:39,305
- Ali-CIA, baby.
- Ah. Mm-hmm.
76
00:02:39,306 --> 00:02:40,429
- So, Dre...
- Hmm?
77
00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:41,865
- How's your mother?
- Oh, she's good.
78
00:02:41,866 --> 00:02:44,768
Oh, I've always liked her.
She's so strong.
79
00:02:44,769 --> 00:02:47,771
Gorgeous skin, beautiful lips.
80
00:02:47,772 --> 00:02:49,673
Down, Paul.
You got your black wife.
81
00:02:49,674 --> 00:02:51,409
Now, where are my grandbabies?
82
00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:53,744
What? What, what, what?
83
00:02:53,745 --> 00:02:54,879
Let's play "20 questions."
84
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,313
- Okay.
- All right?
85
00:02:56,314 --> 00:02:58,549
I'm thinking of a person
who gave birth to you
86
00:02:58,550 --> 00:02:59,650
who I don't like.
87
00:02:59,651 --> 00:03:01,051
Will you stop?
88
00:03:01,052 --> 00:03:01,919
Nope. Not it.
89
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,487
The person I'm thinking about
90
00:03:03,488 --> 00:03:05,890
has never liked me or thought
I was good enough for you.
91
00:03:05,891 --> 00:03:08,292
She actually tried
to set you up with another guy
92
00:03:08,293 --> 00:03:09,326
at our wedding.
93
00:03:09,327 --> 00:03:11,262
Bow! This is Adam.
94
00:03:11,263 --> 00:03:13,531
Although only one of you
has a working liver,
95
00:03:13,532 --> 00:03:14,599
you're both art lovers.
96
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,601
Your mother
would rather see you
97
00:03:16,602 --> 00:03:18,970
with a yellow white man
with two weeks to live
98
00:03:18,971 --> 00:03:20,071
than be with me.
99
00:03:20,072 --> 00:03:22,841
Dre, my mom is
a new-age healer, okay?
100
00:03:22,842 --> 00:03:24,576
She thought she could save him.
101
00:03:24,577 --> 00:03:26,712
I just can't believe that
they came for the vow renewal.
102
00:03:26,713 --> 00:03:29,815
- I mean, they never come.
- Yeah, like ever.
103
00:03:29,816 --> 00:03:32,551
It's always been
my favorite thing about them.
104
00:03:32,552 --> 00:03:36,021
Okay, look. Bow, I just want
our vow renewal to be perfect.
105
00:03:36,022 --> 00:03:37,990
Well, now that my parents
are here,
106
00:03:37,991 --> 00:03:39,892
it'll be more perfect.
107
00:03:39,893 --> 00:03:42,661
You know, I-I-I'm actually happy
that your dad is here.
108
00:03:42,662 --> 00:03:44,530
I love Paul,
and you know how hard it is
109
00:03:44,531 --> 00:03:45,965
for me to say that
about a white man.
110
00:03:45,966 --> 00:03:48,734
- You said you loved Bill Clinton.
- Don't talk about Bill Clinton!
111
00:03:48,735 --> 00:03:50,103
_
112
00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:51,271
Oh, my God, Dre.
113
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,573
I'm just asking you
to be civil to my mother.
114
00:03:53,574 --> 00:03:55,141
I will. I promise.
115
00:03:55,142 --> 00:03:57,176
I can't. She's the worst.
116
00:03:57,177 --> 00:03:58,578
Well, at least
you tried your hardest.
117
00:03:58,579 --> 00:03:59,679
Yep, I did!
118
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,615
Meanwhile,
it was business as usual
119
00:04:02,616 --> 00:04:04,818
with my moms and pops.
120
00:04:04,819 --> 00:04:06,353
You ever hear that expression
121
00:04:06,354 --> 00:04:08,221
about houseguests
being like fish?
122
00:04:08,222 --> 00:04:10,023
Stay too long,
they start to stink.
123
00:04:10,024 --> 00:04:11,592
You ever hear the one about
124
00:04:11,593 --> 00:04:14,761
the time I beat the [Bleep]
out of your stupid [Bleep]
125
00:04:14,762 --> 00:04:16,029
After you [Bleep] that woman?
126
00:04:16,030 --> 00:04:17,230
You dumb son of a [Bleep]
127
00:04:17,231 --> 00:04:18,696
Good morning to you, too, Ruby.
128
00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:20,701
That was so cool!
129
00:04:20,702 --> 00:04:23,270
Why isn't everyone more excited
about the poo bus?
130
00:04:23,271 --> 00:04:26,507
It's a bus that runs on poo!
131
00:04:26,508 --> 00:04:28,672
Your answer's in your question.
132
00:04:28,673 --> 00:04:30,108
Hey!
133
00:04:30,109 --> 00:04:31,212
What are they doing here?
134
00:04:31,213 --> 00:04:32,680
Dre said they would never
come to this thing.
135
00:04:32,681 --> 00:04:34,282
Maybe their swirly cult
kicked them out.
136
00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:35,717
- Hey!
- Earl!
137
00:04:35,718 --> 00:04:36,785
- Paul!
- Oh!
138
00:04:36,786 --> 00:04:38,553
Sparkling Ruby.
139
00:04:38,554 --> 00:04:39,755
Aww.
140
00:04:39,756 --> 00:04:43,526
Ah. I see
Paul finally lost his patience.
141
00:04:43,526 --> 00:04:45,260
I slipped,
but thanks for your concern.
142
00:04:45,261 --> 00:04:47,996
How fortuitous
that we are all here
143
00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:49,899
to share
in this magical journey.
144
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:51,634
It'd be real magical
if they disappeared.
145
00:04:51,635 --> 00:04:54,170
Did you guys see "Selma"?
Complete game-changer.
146
00:04:54,171 --> 00:04:55,872
So awe-inspiring.
147
00:04:55,873 --> 00:04:58,107
I saw the original in 1965.
148
00:04:58,108 --> 00:04:59,642
Mine was called "Detroit."
149
00:04:59,643 --> 00:05:01,644
Paul actually
walked across that bridge
150
00:05:01,645 --> 00:05:02,879
with the reverend doctor.
151
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:03,880
Oh. Good for him.
152
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:05,314
He was still a white man
153
00:05:05,315 --> 00:05:07,083
when he got to the other side
of the bridge, though, yes?
154
00:05:08,152 --> 00:05:10,219
And probably ate
at a restaurant.
155
00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:11,320
At the counter.
156
00:05:11,321 --> 00:05:13,156
Anyway, how exciting
157
00:05:13,157 --> 00:05:15,291
- that Rainbow and, uh...
- your son
158
00:05:15,292 --> 00:05:17,813
are celebrating
15 years of wedded bliss.
159
00:05:17,814 --> 00:05:19,229
Oh, 16.
160
00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:21,965
I'm 15, so they've been married
for 16 years.
161
00:05:21,966 --> 00:05:23,967
That's right.
That's right, baby... 16 years.
162
00:05:23,968 --> 00:05:26,236
Remember, Alicia?
163
00:05:26,237 --> 00:05:27,904
Don't mediate her experience.
164
00:05:27,905 --> 00:05:28,904
It's 15, honey.
165
00:05:29,641 --> 00:05:33,177
Wait. So they had me
before they were married?
166
00:05:33,178 --> 00:05:35,812
You're like
the bastard Jon Snow!
167
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,514
They lied to me.
168
00:05:37,515 --> 00:05:39,383
You've all been lying to me.
169
00:05:39,384 --> 00:05:42,253
Not me. I told you the truth
because I respect you.
170
00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:46,557
First the poop bus,
and now this?
171
00:05:46,558 --> 00:05:49,460
Best morning ever!
172
00:05:49,461 --> 00:05:51,462
Why you want to hurt the child
like that?
173
00:05:51,463 --> 00:05:53,197
If we're not honest,
we're nothing.
174
00:05:53,198 --> 00:05:54,699
I don't remember that
in the Bible.
175
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,968
The Bible is just
one of many paths to the truth.
176
00:05:56,969 --> 00:05:59,337
I'm an animist.
Everything has a soul.
177
00:05:59,338 --> 00:06:01,339
That apple, that sponge,
that glass.
178
00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:02,741
- Oh, is that so?
- Yeah.
179
00:06:02,742 --> 00:06:04,876
You say this glass has a soul?
180
00:06:04,877 --> 00:06:08,513
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
181
00:06:08,514 --> 00:06:09,914
[Bleep] You.
182
00:06:11,084 --> 00:06:12,885
Yeah. Yeah.
183
00:06:12,886 --> 00:06:14,487
Nice.
184
00:06:14,488 --> 00:06:16,688
That's my Ruby.
185
00:06:18,358 --> 00:06:21,226
- How you doing, Zo-Zo?
- I'm fine.
186
00:06:21,227 --> 00:06:22,394
I talked to mom and dad,
187
00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:23,862
and they said that they love me
188
00:06:23,863 --> 00:06:25,597
and that having me
wasn't an accident.
189
00:06:25,598 --> 00:06:27,700
Hmm. Seems like
overcompensating.
190
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:30,236
How does it feel
to be just another statistic?
191
00:06:30,237 --> 00:06:33,139
'Course, it explains why dad's
always been so hard on me...
192
00:06:33,140 --> 00:06:35,107
'cause I was the first kid
he meant to have.
193
00:06:35,108 --> 00:06:38,310
- Shut up.
- Do you think dad is even her dad?
194
00:06:38,311 --> 00:06:40,112
She's much better-looking
than us.
195
00:06:40,113 --> 00:06:41,447
Funny you should say that.
196
00:06:41,448 --> 00:06:44,550
I did some research on
handsome guys in L.A. in 2000.
197
00:06:44,551 --> 00:06:47,019
Have you ever heard
of Rick Fox?
198
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:49,121
Ex-laker, decent defender.
199
00:06:49,122 --> 00:06:50,122
Your dad.
200
00:06:50,123 --> 00:06:51,624
They have the same eyes.
201
00:06:51,625 --> 00:06:52,758
Get out!
202
00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:53,893
Fine.
203
00:06:53,894 --> 00:06:56,629
All children conceived
in a loving, legal bond,
204
00:06:56,630 --> 00:06:57,596
come with me.
205
00:06:57,597 --> 00:06:59,065
That would be us.
206
00:06:59,066 --> 00:07:00,432
See you, ol' dirty.
207
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:02,668
What you got?
208
00:07:02,669 --> 00:07:04,870
All right, I got... "Drone."
209
00:07:04,871 --> 00:07:06,439
- Hm.
- Ha!
210
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,307
You know...
211
00:07:08,308 --> 00:07:11,610
For your vow-renewal ceremony,
I'm wearing white.
212
00:07:11,611 --> 00:07:12,578
Over my dead body.
213
00:07:12,579 --> 00:07:14,747
Oh, I'm wearing red to that.
214
00:07:14,748 --> 00:07:16,015
Mnh.
215
00:07:16,016 --> 00:07:19,351
I got B-L-K-W-Y-F.
216
00:07:19,352 --> 00:07:20,052
Ha!
217
00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:21,253
That's not a word.
218
00:07:21,254 --> 00:07:23,937
Then why does it say it
on your license plate?
219
00:07:26,093 --> 00:07:27,860
Okay, that's
a triple word score.
220
00:07:27,861 --> 00:07:29,095
I thought so.
221
00:07:29,096 --> 00:07:30,563
All right, pops.
222
00:07:30,564 --> 00:07:33,666
So, I'm trying to renewal
grandma Alicia's license
223
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,034
so she can officiate
your vows, but...
224
00:07:35,035 --> 00:07:36,535
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
225
00:07:36,536 --> 00:07:38,471
You gonna let her crazy ass
marry you again?
226
00:07:38,472 --> 00:07:41,006
Uh, we... we actually haven't
talked about it yet, pops.
227
00:07:41,007 --> 00:07:42,541
- Uh, hell no.
- We aren't.
228
00:07:42,542 --> 00:07:44,310
- There. We talked about it.
- Dre.
229
00:07:44,311 --> 00:07:47,379
I think you should have
a man of God marry you.
230
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,015
My mother
is an ordained minister.
231
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:52,685
I said "a man of God."
232
00:07:52,686 --> 00:07:54,987
Guys, listen to me... the
church of saturnology website
233
00:07:54,988 --> 00:07:56,188
has been seized by the FBI.
234
00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:58,057
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
235
00:07:58,058 --> 00:07:59,325
Look at this.
236
00:07:59,326 --> 00:08:01,727
"This site has been seized
pending further investigation"?
237
00:08:01,728 --> 00:08:04,029
"All accreditation
is null and void."
238
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:05,831
- Oh, my God.
- This is a fake church!
239
00:08:05,832 --> 00:08:07,766
Wait a minute. Dre, does that
mean we're not married?
240
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:09,001
Uh, yeah.
241
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:10,669
Oh, yes!
242
00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,738
We are all bastards.
243
00:08:12,739 --> 00:08:15,841
Oh, I cannot get a win here.
244
00:08:17,077 --> 00:08:19,445
You know
what church isn't fake?
245
00:08:19,446 --> 00:08:20,513
Jesus.
246
00:08:20,514 --> 00:08:21,313
Oh.
247
00:08:21,314 --> 00:08:23,849
Jesus is real.
248
00:08:23,850 --> 00:08:25,450
Yes.
249
00:08:27,771 --> 00:08:28,973
Look, my mother was right.
250
00:08:28,974 --> 00:08:30,740
We should have gotten married
in a real church
251
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,775
with a real Minister
with real Jesus.
252
00:08:32,776 --> 00:08:35,611
Dre, your mother wanted
Bishop Don Juan to marry us.
253
00:08:35,612 --> 00:08:39,582
At least he has
actual power vested in him...
254
00:08:39,583 --> 00:08:41,684
and his face
on the hubcaps of his Bentley.
255
00:08:41,685 --> 00:08:43,885
I think your mother did this
on purpose.
256
00:08:43,886 --> 00:08:45,654
- No, she did not.
- Mm-hmm.
257
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:46,922
Dre, I'm upset, too.
258
00:08:46,923 --> 00:08:50,792
But the reality is that it is
just a piece of paper.
259
00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:53,628
It's just a piece of paper
if you have it.
260
00:08:53,629 --> 00:08:55,864
It's a big deal if you don't.
261
00:08:55,865 --> 00:08:57,099
Like money.
262
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,800
You're right.
You're totally right.
263
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,535
I can't believe
I'm a baby daddy.
264
00:09:00,536 --> 00:09:03,004
Oh... My God.
265
00:09:03,005 --> 00:09:05,107
That means I'm a single mother
266
00:09:05,108 --> 00:09:07,209
who's also a successful doctor.
267
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,644
I'm a profile in courage.
268
00:09:09,645 --> 00:09:13,181
If "Oprah" was still on,
she would want to meet me.
269
00:09:13,182 --> 00:09:15,050
- You know what, babe?
- Huh?
270
00:09:15,051 --> 00:09:17,285
We're gonna turn these sour-ass
lemons your mother gave us
271
00:09:17,286 --> 00:09:18,820
- and make lemonade.
- That's a good idea.
272
00:09:18,821 --> 00:09:21,490
- We're gonna turn this vow renewal...
- Mm-hmm?
273
00:09:21,491 --> 00:09:23,692
Into a wedding.
274
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:24,926
Dre, are you sure?
275
00:09:24,927 --> 00:09:28,330
- What? Yes.
- You know I come with four children.
276
00:09:28,331 --> 00:09:29,498
Four.
277
00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,833
And I will raise them
like my own.
278
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:34,802
Oh, God,
you are such a good man.
279
00:09:36,137 --> 00:09:37,405
- Oh, babe?
- Mm-hmm?
280
00:09:37,406 --> 00:09:38,539
I was also thinking about
281
00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:40,408
exchanging
this cheap-ass engagement ring.
282
00:09:40,409 --> 00:09:42,043
Oh. Unless you're too
sentimental about it.
283
00:09:42,044 --> 00:09:44,812
Platinum, princess cut, 3 carats...
4 if I'm being real...
284
00:09:44,813 --> 00:09:47,348
one for each one of
your big-headed Johnson babies.
285
00:09:47,349 --> 00:09:48,283
Okay, babe.
286
00:09:48,284 --> 00:09:50,151
- Love you.
- I love you, too.
287
00:09:50,152 --> 00:09:51,919
I don't want to see that again.
288
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,522
Oh, not so cocky anymore,
are you?
289
00:09:54,523 --> 00:09:56,758
I'm a child from a broken home.
290
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,359
I wonder if we're even related.
291
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,528
You two
probably aren't even twins.
292
00:10:00,529 --> 00:10:02,230
That would make
much more sense.
293
00:10:02,231 --> 00:10:04,565
Oh, my God. It really would.
294
00:10:04,566 --> 00:10:06,668
So, we're all just
unrelated children
295
00:10:06,669 --> 00:10:08,036
living in the same house...
296
00:10:08,037 --> 00:10:09,537
like Michael Jackson's kids?!
297
00:10:09,538 --> 00:10:12,173
- Don't say that!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
298
00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:13,441
You guys, stop all of this.
299
00:10:13,442 --> 00:10:15,343
- Yeah, this news changes nothing...
- Nothing.
300
00:10:15,344 --> 00:10:19,180
Except that you all get to come
to our first wedding.
301
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:20,381
- Aah!
- Okay?
302
00:10:20,382 --> 00:10:22,483
Diane, you're the flower girl.
303
00:10:22,484 --> 00:10:23,785
Jack, you're gonna be
the ring bearer.
304
00:10:23,786 --> 00:10:26,521
White tuxedo, black tie.
305
00:10:26,522 --> 00:10:28,623
I've been waiting
for this moment my whole life.
306
00:10:28,624 --> 00:10:32,694
Zoey, you are gonna be
my maid of honor!
307
00:10:32,695 --> 00:10:34,862
And, Junior, you get to be
my best man.
308
00:10:34,863 --> 00:10:36,264
Oh-ho-ho! Great!
309
00:10:36,265 --> 00:10:38,533
Bachelor party
at medieval times!
310
00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:40,000
Nah.
311
00:10:41,303 --> 00:10:43,271
So, we had a bump in the road.
312
00:10:43,272 --> 00:10:45,940
But the kids and Bow and I
were back on track.
313
00:10:45,941 --> 00:10:47,675
The question was,
314
00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:50,011
could our parents
set aside their differences
315
00:10:50,012 --> 00:10:51,079
and do the same?
316
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,647
Oh, I'll be damned
if I'm gonna eat that.
317
00:10:52,648 --> 00:10:53,915
It's bulgur kernels.
318
00:10:53,916 --> 00:10:56,551
Not everything has to be fried.
319
00:10:56,552 --> 00:10:57,751
It's kernels of bulgur.
320
00:10:59,088 --> 00:11:00,888
The least you could do
is fry the hell out of it.
321
00:11:00,889 --> 00:11:02,790
This is
what Rainbow grew up eating.
322
00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:05,093
Oh, baby.
So that's why you can't cook.
323
00:11:05,094 --> 00:11:07,895
I'll be damned.
I've been blaming the victim.
324
00:11:07,896 --> 00:11:09,764
- The real victim is Andre...
- What?
325
00:11:09,765 --> 00:11:11,199
Who grew up
with your limited world view.
326
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,034
Hey, ho, ho, ho.
I'm not limited.
327
00:11:13,035 --> 00:11:14,102
- Oh, you're not?
- Mnh-mnh.
328
00:11:14,103 --> 00:11:15,336
Do you know how to swim?
329
00:11:15,337 --> 00:11:17,751
How do you know
that I don't know how to swim?
330
00:11:17,752 --> 00:11:18,686
You do?
331
00:11:18,687 --> 00:11:20,975
You know,
75% of the world is water.
332
00:11:20,976 --> 00:11:22,877
Well, that leaves me 25%.
333
00:11:22,878 --> 00:11:24,212
I ain't greedy.
334
00:11:24,213 --> 00:11:25,980
In many cultures, it's
a father's sacred responsibility
335
00:11:25,981 --> 00:11:28,349
to teach his son to swim, Earl.
I mean, it's...
336
00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:30,084
Oh. That's all
you gonna come at me with?
337
00:11:30,885 --> 00:11:32,452
You know,
it's a whole lot of stuff
338
00:11:32,453 --> 00:11:33,720
I ain't taught him, Alicia.
339
00:11:33,721 --> 00:11:37,357
Listen here, girl.
Your daughter can't boil an egg.
340
00:11:37,358 --> 00:11:39,660
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You don't know what I can do.
341
00:11:39,661 --> 00:11:40,594
Can you?
342
00:11:40,595 --> 00:11:42,262
I-I can...
343
00:11:42,263 --> 00:11:43,664
I can do... listen.
344
00:11:43,665 --> 00:11:47,301
I can bring Dre back to life
if he drowns...
345
00:11:47,302 --> 00:11:49,002
which he might,
because he can't swim.
346
00:11:49,003 --> 00:11:50,837
Oh, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey. Look, people.
347
00:11:50,838 --> 00:11:52,406
I'm going nowhere near water,
okay?
348
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,775
Because I don't swim.
349
00:11:54,776 --> 00:11:56,443
Not that I can't. I don't swim.
See?
350
00:11:56,444 --> 00:11:58,178
Hey, you know what?
Let's not even do this.
351
00:11:58,179 --> 00:11:59,746
Let's not. Actually, Dre,
you're totally right.
352
00:11:59,747 --> 00:12:01,415
We are not gonna settle this
tonight, okay?
353
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,016
Our families are different,
354
00:12:03,017 --> 00:12:05,286
but the point is
that we are family.
355
00:12:05,287 --> 00:12:06,253
That's not the point.
356
00:12:06,254 --> 00:12:07,187
What's the point?
357
00:12:07,188 --> 00:12:08,789
The point is,
they look down on us.
358
00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,991
- No!
- No, they don't, pops.
359
00:12:10,992 --> 00:12:12,593
Y-yes, she does, all right?
360
00:12:12,594 --> 00:12:14,461
"Not everything
has to be fried"
361
00:12:14,462 --> 00:12:16,931
is code for
"stop being so black."
362
00:12:16,932 --> 00:12:17,965
- Ha!
- No, it's not.
363
00:12:17,966 --> 00:12:20,100
It's code
for "stop being so unhealthy."
364
00:12:20,101 --> 00:12:21,268
- Ha!
- Exactly.
365
00:12:21,269 --> 00:12:22,703
You're not obligated
to get diabetes.
366
00:12:22,704 --> 00:12:23,837
- Total judgment.
- Tell it.
367
00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:25,406
She thinks she's the good black
368
00:12:25,407 --> 00:12:27,107
- and she thinks we're the bad black.
- Preach.
369
00:12:27,108 --> 00:12:28,475
How is that
what you just heard?
370
00:12:28,476 --> 00:12:30,477
- That's what I heard.
- Dre.
371
00:12:30,478 --> 00:12:32,613
You know, this casserole
is delicious. Very beany.
372
00:12:32,614 --> 00:12:35,049
All my mom is saying
is that there's nothing wrong
373
00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:37,318
with having
an expanded world view.
374
00:12:37,319 --> 00:12:38,485
There is a rich panoply
375
00:12:38,486 --> 00:12:40,454
of different ways
to experience blackness.
376
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:44,158
None of which include
the words "rich panoply."
377
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,459
Now you're sounding like her.
378
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:46,827
What does that mean? Huh?
379
00:12:46,828 --> 00:12:49,897
You mean I sound intelligent?
Cultured? Educated?
380
00:12:49,898 --> 00:12:51,865
- Pretentious, bougie, and obnoxious.
- No.
381
00:12:51,866 --> 00:12:53,534
Stop. Stop, babe.
382
00:12:53,535 --> 00:12:55,602
Here we go. Come on, y'all.
383
00:12:55,603 --> 00:12:57,438
Here we go!
384
00:12:57,439 --> 00:12:59,373
Here we go.
385
00:12:59,374 --> 00:13:00,874
Believe it or not,
386
00:13:00,875 --> 00:13:02,876
that was the most lighthearted
part of dinner.
387
00:13:02,877 --> 00:13:05,946
Once again, they had pulled us
into their drama.
388
00:13:05,947 --> 00:13:07,381
And when they saw
389
00:13:07,382 --> 00:13:09,616
what they thought was a chink
in our marital armor,
390
00:13:09,617 --> 00:13:11,852
they went all-in.
391
00:13:11,853 --> 00:13:14,922
I'm just saying, sometimes
the universe opens a window
392
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:17,791
so you can climb out
of an unhappy marriage.
393
00:13:17,792 --> 00:13:20,527
You don't have to rush
into anything.
394
00:13:20,528 --> 00:13:22,862
It's just us again.
395
00:13:24,299 --> 00:13:26,634
She's in your taillights, baby.
396
00:13:34,609 --> 00:13:37,545
Babe, you realize
what's happening here, right?
397
00:13:37,546 --> 00:13:39,380
Our parents are crazy.
398
00:13:39,381 --> 00:13:41,382
Yes, and it's making us crazy.
399
00:13:41,383 --> 00:13:44,852
I got backed into the world's
first pro-diabetes position.
400
00:13:44,853 --> 00:13:46,654
You made some very valid
arguments, babe.
401
00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,657
I was really looking forward
to making this happen.
402
00:13:48,658 --> 00:13:50,559
I've been planning this ceremony
forever,
403
00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:52,226
and I just wanted it
to be perfect.
404
00:13:52,227 --> 00:13:54,095
I ordered birds.
405
00:13:54,096 --> 00:13:56,497
Dre! I'm terrified of birds.
406
00:13:56,498 --> 00:13:58,533
I even ordered
a convertible Hummer Limo.
407
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,535
I hate those.
The birds can fly in.
408
00:14:00,536 --> 00:14:02,169
You know,
we can never do anything nice
409
00:14:02,170 --> 00:14:03,471
when our parents are around.
410
00:14:03,472 --> 00:14:05,940
They ruin everything.
411
00:14:05,941 --> 00:14:07,707
I know.
412
00:14:09,711 --> 00:14:11,212
We should go to the courthouse.
413
00:14:11,213 --> 00:14:11,993
What? No!
414
00:14:11,994 --> 00:14:14,482
I planned some pretty badass
things with orchids.
415
00:14:14,483 --> 00:14:16,985
I know, but when it's just
you and me and the kids,
416
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:18,720
it's about us
and not about them,
417
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:20,322
and that's what's important.
418
00:14:20,323 --> 00:14:21,523
Ohh...
419
00:14:21,524 --> 00:14:24,359
I guess you're right.
All we really need is a judge.
420
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,827
And a big ring.
421
00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:28,296
- And 100 white doves.
- Mnh-mnh.
422
00:14:28,297 --> 00:14:31,332
Oh. I'll save that
for my next wife.
423
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:35,343
This is what
they're coming to see.
424
00:14:38,105 --> 00:14:39,905
What you guys doing
all dressed up?
425
00:14:39,906 --> 00:14:41,407
Wedding's not till Saturday.
426
00:14:41,408 --> 00:14:43,676
For when we go to the courthouse
with mom and dad.
427
00:14:43,677 --> 00:14:44,643
The courthouse?
428
00:14:44,644 --> 00:14:48,513
To... Sit in
on a murder trial...
429
00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:51,451
Of a known drug kingpin.
430
00:14:51,452 --> 00:14:55,822
José Carlos Luis
"The Jackal" Carlos.
431
00:14:55,822 --> 00:14:57,155
Bad man.
432
00:14:57,156 --> 00:14:58,156
Right.
433
00:14:58,157 --> 00:14:59,591
And we're definitely
not going to see
434
00:14:59,592 --> 00:15:01,727
mom and dad get married
tomorrow without you
435
00:15:01,728 --> 00:15:04,029
because
you guys ruin everything.
436
00:15:04,030 --> 00:15:05,396
Oh.
437
00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:07,766
Yeah, right.
438
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,267
Uh, you guys look great.
439
00:15:09,268 --> 00:15:10,769
You look really, really great.
440
00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:11,903
Thank you.
441
00:15:11,904 --> 00:15:12,837
Nailed it!
442
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,741
Are we going to the murder trial
before the wedding?
443
00:15:17,810 --> 00:15:20,012
That'll be a long day.
444
00:15:20,013 --> 00:15:21,512
I should bring a snack.
445
00:15:24,417 --> 00:15:25,717
Is that whole-grain?
446
00:15:25,718 --> 00:15:27,953
No, but it's not fried, either.
447
00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:33,525
Our kids are going to
get married in a courthouse
448
00:15:33,526 --> 00:15:34,593
without us.
449
00:15:34,594 --> 00:15:36,460
We have screwed this thing up
for them.
450
00:15:39,065 --> 00:15:40,465
Well...
451
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:42,734
You more than me.
452
00:15:45,138 --> 00:15:46,638
What you trying to prove?
453
00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:50,342
Your old funk-powered bus
and your rock deodorant.
454
00:15:50,343 --> 00:15:52,344
It's not a rock. It's a crystal.
And it is a natural...
455
00:15:52,345 --> 00:15:54,046
It does not work.
456
00:15:54,047 --> 00:15:55,514
You married a white boy,
457
00:15:55,515 --> 00:15:57,582
- and you want your daughter to marry a white boy.
- That's not true.
458
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,785
I wanted a man
that shared my interests,
459
00:15:59,786 --> 00:16:03,221
who had the courage
to walk mother earth with me.
460
00:16:03,222 --> 00:16:04,856
Oh, negress, please!
461
00:16:04,857 --> 00:16:06,458
You married yourself
a white man,
462
00:16:06,459 --> 00:16:08,860
splashed on some patchouli,
and reinvented yourself.
463
00:16:08,861 --> 00:16:11,229
You are from Memphis, D'Alicia.
464
00:16:11,230 --> 00:16:13,298
Don't be acting like
there's not a glass ceiling
465
00:16:13,299 --> 00:16:15,533
for women
with apostrophes in their name.
466
00:16:15,534 --> 00:16:18,635
The life I built
is better than the life I had.
467
00:16:20,506 --> 00:16:22,841
Okay.
468
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:25,043
I don't like it,
but I can respect it.
469
00:16:25,044 --> 00:16:27,479
I don't like it that you walk
around with $11,000 in your pocket.
470
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,814
- I don't trust banks.
- You are such a catch.
471
00:16:29,815 --> 00:16:31,616
Well, maybe I'm not,
but you know who is?
472
00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:33,284
My son... Dre, Andre.
473
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:36,421
He eats bulgur
for your daughter.
474
00:16:36,422 --> 00:16:38,423
He would do
pretty much anything for her.
475
00:16:38,424 --> 00:16:40,859
It'd be a shame to see them
get married in a courthouse
476
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:42,392
'cause we don't know
how to act.
477
00:16:43,829 --> 00:16:45,163
I'll drink to that.
478
00:16:45,164 --> 00:16:46,664
All right. Let me give you
a little taste here.
479
00:16:46,665 --> 00:16:48,233
Oh, not that.
I don't like brown liquor.
480
00:16:48,234 --> 00:16:50,935
I'm eating white ice cream.
481
00:16:50,936 --> 00:16:53,404
So, in a shocking development,
482
00:16:53,405 --> 00:16:56,107
our parents
put our wedding back on.
483
00:16:56,108 --> 00:16:57,642
Wear whatever you want, son.
484
00:16:57,643 --> 00:16:59,043
Nobody's gonna be
looking at you, anyway.
485
00:16:59,044 --> 00:17:02,514
And everybody got
what they wanted.
486
00:17:02,515 --> 00:17:04,883
Alicia got
Tibetan throat singers.
487
00:17:05,885 --> 00:17:07,552
Moms got her some Jesus.
488
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,354
She called Bishop Don Juan.
489
00:17:09,355 --> 00:17:11,456
I called a minister
from this planet.
490
00:17:11,457 --> 00:17:13,391
Pops got a scotch fountain.
491
00:17:13,392 --> 00:17:15,626
And Paul got something
he really enjoyed...
492
00:17:15,627 --> 00:17:16,796
a front-row seat
493
00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:20,399
to Bishop Don Juan's
dancing Double Deacons.
494
00:17:20,399 --> 00:17:23,768
And we got what we wanted...
our whole family together.
495
00:17:23,769 --> 00:17:25,737
Now is the time
I have to ask...
496
00:17:25,738 --> 00:17:26,938
if there is anyone here
497
00:17:26,939 --> 00:17:29,140
who believes these two
should not be united,
498
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:30,075
speak now.
499
00:17:30,076 --> 00:17:32,177
Or forever hold your peace.
500
00:17:32,178 --> 00:17:34,112
I have something
I would like to say.
501
00:17:34,113 --> 00:17:35,947
- Hmm? What?
- Oh, mom. Please, no.
502
00:17:35,948 --> 00:17:37,249
Oh, of course you do.
503
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:38,416
We may never get along.
504
00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:39,684
Preach.
505
00:17:39,685 --> 00:17:40,785
We may never be best friends.
506
00:17:40,786 --> 00:17:42,420
♪ Well ♪
507
00:17:42,421 --> 00:17:44,289
We may never get through
one meal together
508
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:45,690
without insulting one another.
509
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:46,559
Cook better.
510
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,860
- Mama!
- Ruby!
511
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:49,294
But we're family.
512
00:17:49,295 --> 00:17:50,395
Yes.
513
00:17:50,396 --> 00:17:52,264
And the reason we're family
514
00:17:52,265 --> 00:17:58,136
is because we are united
in our love for you two.
515
00:17:58,137 --> 00:17:59,938
Aww.
516
00:17:59,939 --> 00:18:00,805
- Thank you.
- Thanks, mom.
517
00:18:00,806 --> 00:18:02,173
And now Dre and Bow
518
00:18:02,174 --> 00:18:04,609
will read the vows
they prepared for each other.
519
00:18:04,610 --> 00:18:05,610
- Oh.
- Oh.
520
00:18:05,611 --> 00:18:06,845
- Huh?
- Babe, did you...
521
00:18:06,846 --> 00:18:08,246
- you do something?
- I didn't do it.
522
00:18:08,247 --> 00:18:09,214
Uh...
523
00:18:09,215 --> 00:18:11,516
Actually, uh, no offense,
524
00:18:11,517 --> 00:18:14,252
but, uh, you guys have been
such a nightmare that...
525
00:18:14,253 --> 00:18:15,487
Yes. Nightmare.
526
00:18:15,488 --> 00:18:17,188
- We didn't have time to write any vows.
- Mnh-mnh.
527
00:18:17,189 --> 00:18:18,256
No offense taken, son.
528
00:18:18,257 --> 00:18:20,091
Just go ahead.
Speak from your heart.
529
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,093
Nobody's gonna remember
what he says anyway.
530
00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:24,462
- Dre...
- Hmm?
531
00:18:24,463 --> 00:18:27,232
I promise to love, honor,
and Cherish you.
532
00:18:27,233 --> 00:18:28,266
Ah.
533
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:29,934
So you just gonna take
all the good ones
534
00:18:29,935 --> 00:18:31,135
- right off the top, huh?
- Dre, stop it.
535
00:18:31,136 --> 00:18:32,337
Oh, no. Okay. Okay.
536
00:18:32,338 --> 00:18:35,540
Bow, you believed in me
when no one else did.
537
00:18:35,541 --> 00:18:37,742
And to this day,
I still don't know why
538
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:40,478
a woman so beautiful who was
almost done with med school
539
00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:43,114
would bet on me
when she had a far better hand.
540
00:18:43,115 --> 00:18:47,619
But I'm so, so glad
that she did.
541
00:18:47,620 --> 00:18:49,187
Me too.
542
00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:52,924
- Oh! Oh! Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- No... uh, n-not right now.
543
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:54,058
Hold on. I'm not done yet.
544
00:18:54,059 --> 00:18:55,560
Um...
545
00:18:55,561 --> 00:18:57,462
But I do have one regret.
546
00:18:57,463 --> 00:18:58,696
What? What do you mean?
547
00:18:58,697 --> 00:19:00,465
I wasn't able to get you
the ring that you wanted.
548
00:19:00,466 --> 00:19:01,466
Dre, it's fine.
549
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:03,635
I love the old one, sweetie.
I love it.
550
00:19:03,636 --> 00:19:04,669
Oh, girl. I'm just playing.
551
00:19:04,670 --> 00:19:05,770
- What?
- Give it to me, son.
552
00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:07,305
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
553
00:19:07,306 --> 00:19:08,373
Bam!
554
00:19:08,374 --> 00:19:10,141
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
555
00:19:10,142 --> 00:19:12,610
Oh... My God.
556
00:19:12,611 --> 00:19:14,812
- By the power vested in me...
- And me.
557
00:19:14,813 --> 00:19:16,948
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
558
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:19,050
Come here. Kiss your bride!
559
00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:39,103
Baby, throw your bouquet.
560
00:19:44,443 --> 00:19:45,376
Ruby!
561
00:19:51,392 --> 00:19:52,325
- Guys!
- Huh?
562
00:19:52,326 --> 00:19:54,127
- You're still married.
- What?
563
00:19:54,128 --> 00:19:56,395
I read the small print
on the saturnology website,
564
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,432
and it says all marriages
before 2002 are still valid.
565
00:19:59,433 --> 00:20:01,501
Wait. You mean we were married
this whole time?
566
00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:04,103
Yep. Which means
I'm not a bastard.
567
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:05,738
Dad is my dad.
568
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:06,873
We really are twins!
569
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:08,841
Hold up, friend.
570
00:20:08,842 --> 00:20:10,010
Let's see what the tests say.
571
00:20:10,011 --> 00:20:11,878
Sorry, Zoey.
We can't all be legit.
572
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:14,213
Well, at least
my dad can hit a jumper.
573
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,449
Hey, enough talk about Rick Fox,
all right?
574
00:20:16,450 --> 00:20:18,351
Your mother
has never met Rick Fox.
575
00:20:18,352 --> 00:20:19,318
Right, babe?
576
00:20:21,689 --> 00:20:22,756
Right, babe?
577
00:20:22,757 --> 00:20:24,228
Huh? Hmm?
578
00:20:24,229 --> 00:20:25,425
Oh. Wha...
579
00:20:25,426 --> 00:20:27,694
Such a beautiful day out.
580
00:20:27,695 --> 00:20:28,758
Look at the trees.
581
00:20:28,759 --> 00:20:30,887
Oh! Lovely trees.
582
00:20:30,888 --> 00:20:34,289
Sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com