1 00:00:00,453 --> 00:00:03,521 Dre: Some of history's most brutal wars were set off 2 00:00:03,522 --> 00:00:05,923 by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time 3 00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:08,593 when tensions were jacked through the roof. 4 00:00:08,594 --> 00:00:11,095 Take this Archduke Fella with the dope lid. 5 00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:14,499 Poor dude gets capped cruising in his ride, and... boom!... 6 00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,758 World War I. 7 00:00:15,759 --> 00:00:18,077 But there's never been a moment in history 8 00:00:18,078 --> 00:00:21,305 more loaded with deadly tension than "Valentime's" Day. 9 00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:23,474 All that pressure to make it perfect 10 00:00:23,475 --> 00:00:26,344 actually makes it a powder keg waiting to explode. 11 00:00:26,345 --> 00:00:30,214 And Bow and I never fail to set it off. 12 00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:33,184 Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson. 13 00:00:33,185 --> 00:00:35,653 Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson. 14 00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:37,688 Hey, baby, can you suck in your wrist? 15 00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:40,024 I mean, it fit on the skinny saleslady's arm. 16 00:00:40,025 --> 00:00:41,392 Ow! 17 00:00:41,393 --> 00:00:43,895 But it's not always me who fires the first shot. 18 00:00:43,896 --> 00:00:45,363 You know, if we ever have a son, 19 00:00:45,364 --> 00:00:47,131 I'd like to name him Andre Jr. 20 00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:49,567 Ah, we'll see. 21 00:00:49,568 --> 00:00:51,769 We'll see? To my legacy? 22 00:00:51,770 --> 00:00:53,371 [Chuckles] 23 00:00:53,372 --> 00:00:56,874 Your legacy of giving your wife a sad freeway bucket rose? 24 00:00:56,875 --> 00:00:58,142 Hey, hey. What? 25 00:00:58,143 --> 00:00:59,744 You know, that's it. 26 00:00:59,745 --> 00:01:01,279 I'm out! All right? 27 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,739 No giant bag of oranges for you! 28 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,683 But this Valentime's, 29 00:01:05,684 --> 00:01:08,253 I'm doing everything right to keep the peace. 30 00:01:08,254 --> 00:01:12,357 Oh, yeah. A dozen long stems not from a Mexican lady's bucket, 31 00:01:12,358 --> 00:01:13,992 a gift that fits, 32 00:01:13,993 --> 00:01:17,587 and a night out with my beautiful wife. 33 00:01:17,588 --> 00:01:19,438 - Oh. Hey, babe. - Hey. 34 00:01:19,439 --> 00:01:20,399 Mwah! Mwah! 35 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,134 Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night. 36 00:01:22,135 --> 00:01:25,335 All right, so, should I wait in the car while you change? 37 00:01:26,139 --> 00:01:27,272 Change? 38 00:01:27,273 --> 00:01:28,840 _ 39 00:01:28,841 --> 00:01:30,909 Archduke down! Archduke down! 40 00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:34,279 That's not good. And we're not even in the car yet. 41 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,375 Black-ish S01E13 Big Night, Big Fight 42 00:01:36,376 --> 00:01:38,751 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 43 00:01:38,752 --> 00:01:39,853 So, like an idiot, 44 00:01:39,854 --> 00:01:42,154 I accidentally triggered another war. 45 00:01:42,155 --> 00:01:44,490 I had to broker a peace before it destroyed the night. 46 00:01:44,491 --> 00:01:45,992 Come on, Bow, you staying mad 47 00:01:45,993 --> 00:01:47,785 is just gonna ruin our Valentime's. 48 00:01:47,786 --> 00:01:48,895 Oh, so this is on me? 49 00:01:48,896 --> 00:01:50,797 It's my fault you wouldn't recognize 50 00:01:50,798 --> 00:01:53,233 an Isabel Marant Romper if it bit you in the ass? 51 00:01:53,234 --> 00:01:55,001 - And by the way... - Hmm? 52 00:01:55,002 --> 00:01:57,303 It's Valentine's. 53 00:01:57,304 --> 00:01:58,872 Nuh! 54 00:01:58,873 --> 00:02:00,073 Nuh! 55 00:02:00,074 --> 00:02:02,041 Nuuuuh! 56 00:02:02,042 --> 00:02:04,042 _ 57 00:02:04,812 --> 00:02:07,155 My way sounds so much better. 58 00:02:07,156 --> 00:02:08,849 Like... like Christmastime. 59 00:02:08,850 --> 00:02:10,017 Springtime. 60 00:02:10,018 --> 00:02:13,253 I mean, come on, baby. "Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid. 61 00:02:13,254 --> 00:02:17,954 Look, I'm sorry I slammed your romper, okay? 62 00:02:17,955 --> 00:02:20,094 Can I get a do-over? 63 00:02:20,095 --> 00:02:21,429 Peeease? 64 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:24,665 I guess Hammertine does not make much sense. 65 00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:27,001 [Chuckles] Maybe I overreacted. 66 00:02:27,002 --> 00:02:28,402 Maybe just a little. 67 00:02:28,403 --> 00:02:31,306 Dre, let's just enjoy the night you planned. 68 00:02:31,307 --> 00:02:35,776 I'm very excited to go and eat at Fabiano's... 69 00:02:35,777 --> 00:02:37,078 Again. 70 00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:40,181 - What's that tone? - No tone. It's just after 15 years, 71 00:02:40,182 --> 00:02:41,844 I think we've done the hell out of Fabiano's. 72 00:02:41,845 --> 00:02:44,819 Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up. 73 00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,955 We're not going to Fabiano's. 74 00:02:46,956 --> 00:02:49,457 GPS voice: Drive 300 feet to Fabiano's Cucina. 75 00:02:49,458 --> 00:02:51,259 That was programmed from last year. 76 00:02:52,762 --> 00:02:55,997 Boo-yah! Doubled my haul from last year. 77 00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:57,833 Hmm. Nice. 78 00:02:57,834 --> 00:02:59,534 Wow. 79 00:02:59,535 --> 00:03:00,936 That's upsetting. 80 00:03:00,937 --> 00:03:02,304 Tell me about it. 81 00:03:02,305 --> 00:03:03,773 I had to leave most of them at school. 82 00:03:03,774 --> 00:03:06,642 But there's not even that many people in our class. 83 00:03:06,643 --> 00:03:09,712 A lot of them are from my teachers and their families. I'm beloved. 84 00:03:09,713 --> 00:03:12,715 How does a boob like you get more Valentines than me? 85 00:03:12,716 --> 00:03:15,251 Maybe by not calling people "Boobs." 86 00:03:15,252 --> 00:03:16,652 You are pretty mean. 87 00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:19,156 Mean? It's called being honest, long-head. 88 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,123 Long-head? 89 00:03:20,124 --> 00:03:23,493 Don't worry. You'll probably grow into it. 90 00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:24,694 Probably. 91 00:03:24,695 --> 00:03:26,596 Diane, have you ever heard the saying 92 00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,364 "you catch more flies with honey"? 93 00:03:28,365 --> 00:03:31,468 Congrats, genius. You just ruined your honey with dead flies. 94 00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:33,803 Wow, are you broken. 95 00:03:33,804 --> 00:03:36,973 Is it actually long? 96 00:03:36,974 --> 00:03:40,344 Can someone please trace my skull? 97 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,345 I'd like to know. 98 00:03:44,783 --> 00:03:46,049 Welcome to Everly. 99 00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:50,053 Wow. It's completely packed. What a surprise. 100 00:03:50,054 --> 00:03:52,356 - I have a reservation. - Uh-huh. Okay. 101 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,460 Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom before we get kicked out. 102 00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:57,995 We're not getting kicked out, all right? 103 00:03:57,996 --> 00:04:00,131 [Chuckles] Please don't kick us out. 104 00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:03,267 But long story short... no ressie, mad wife, marriage on the line. 105 00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:04,335 Help me. 106 00:04:04,336 --> 00:04:05,938 Sorry, sir. We're fully booked. 107 00:04:05,939 --> 00:04:07,171 It's Valentine's day. 108 00:04:08,974 --> 00:04:10,341 All right. 109 00:04:10,342 --> 00:04:13,511 How about if my friend Bill explains it? 110 00:04:13,512 --> 00:04:14,812 Billy. 111 00:04:14,813 --> 00:04:16,247 Billy Cash. 112 00:04:18,851 --> 00:04:20,986 Oh, here's your reservation. 113 00:04:20,987 --> 00:04:22,254 Hmm. 114 00:04:22,255 --> 00:04:24,255 _ 115 00:04:26,259 --> 00:04:28,260 Dre: So, Billy Cash got us into the house, 116 00:04:28,261 --> 00:04:31,964 but he didn't exactly get us the best seats in the house. 117 00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:34,633 I'm so sorry about this. I'm Bow, by the way. 118 00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:36,035 Stacy. Happy V-tine's day. 119 00:04:36,036 --> 00:04:37,169 Oh, you too. 120 00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,004 Oh, my God. Is that your pug on your phone? 121 00:04:39,005 --> 00:04:40,139 - Mm-hmm. - It's so cute. 122 00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:41,674 You know, I had a Corgi when I was growing up... 123 00:04:41,675 --> 00:04:42,875 [Dre clears throat loudly] 124 00:04:42,876 --> 00:04:44,577 [Glass tings] Just a sec. Yeah. 125 00:04:44,578 --> 00:04:46,113 We're not here to make gal pals. 126 00:04:46,114 --> 00:04:48,681 - Right. Okay. - By the way, I love your outfit. 127 00:04:48,682 --> 00:04:49,757 Oh. 128 00:04:49,758 --> 00:04:51,918 - Thank you. - Mm. 129 00:04:51,919 --> 00:04:52,819 Hmm. 130 00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:54,421 - Seeing anything we like? - Yeah. Actually, 131 00:04:54,422 --> 00:04:55,989 I'm just gonna go with the short rib, 132 00:04:55,990 --> 00:04:57,691 - and maybe I can start with... - Ooh, short rib. 133 00:04:57,692 --> 00:05:00,427 Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender? 134 00:05:00,428 --> 00:05:01,728 - And here we go. - You know what? 135 00:05:01,729 --> 00:05:03,063 Don't even worry about it 136 00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:04,698 'cause I was actually looking at the Jidori chicken. 137 00:05:04,699 --> 00:05:06,666 Where exactly is Jidor? 138 00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,040 It's... never mind. Don't even answer that. 139 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,737 Um, let's see. Um... 140 00:05:10,738 --> 00:05:12,072 Oh, okay. Hold on. 141 00:05:12,073 --> 00:05:14,341 Um, oh. There it is. 142 00:05:14,342 --> 00:05:15,976 Um... 143 00:05:15,977 --> 00:05:17,678 Why don't you come back in two days? 144 00:05:17,679 --> 00:05:19,446 Thank you. 145 00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:22,683 [Gasps] A seafood side. I didn't even see this page. 146 00:05:22,684 --> 00:05:24,318 Skate? 147 00:05:24,319 --> 00:05:26,253 Don't know what that is, but it sounds fancy. 148 00:05:26,254 --> 00:05:29,757 Excuse me, garçon! Walk me through this skate. 149 00:05:30,492 --> 00:05:32,393 Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you 150 00:05:32,394 --> 00:05:34,361 is teaching you how to give a compliment. 151 00:05:34,362 --> 00:05:37,865 Fine. But for the record, I am doubtful of all you people. 152 00:05:37,866 --> 00:05:39,300 Okay, just look at Jack 153 00:05:39,301 --> 00:05:41,268 and say something nice about him. 154 00:05:44,372 --> 00:05:45,639 I'm sorry. 155 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,942 There's just too much baggage between us. 156 00:05:47,943 --> 00:05:49,210 She's not wrong. 157 00:05:49,211 --> 00:05:51,545 Okay, then, what about Junior? 158 00:05:51,546 --> 00:05:53,247 Can you say something nice about him? 159 00:05:54,316 --> 00:05:56,550 Uh... 160 00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:59,520 I see what you're saying. It is kind of long. 161 00:05:59,521 --> 00:06:01,289 Will that happen to my head, too? 162 00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:03,057 Just volunteering my time here. 163 00:06:03,058 --> 00:06:05,326 Listen, Diane, there's something to make fun of 164 00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:06,894 about everyone... not me... 165 00:06:06,895 --> 00:06:09,731 But the secret to pretending to be a nice person 166 00:06:09,732 --> 00:06:11,699 is to stop talking before the hurtful part 167 00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,368 of what you're thinking comes out. 168 00:06:13,369 --> 00:06:15,503 Hey. That's pretty smart. 169 00:06:15,504 --> 00:06:16,471 Mm-hmm. 170 00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:17,739 Especially from you. 171 00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,658 Okay. 172 00:06:19,659 --> 00:06:21,060 I see what I did there. 173 00:06:21,061 --> 00:06:22,977 Yeah. 174 00:06:22,978 --> 00:06:25,146 Okay, let me see here. 175 00:06:25,147 --> 00:06:26,948 Hmm. 176 00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:28,883 I think I will have 177 00:06:28,884 --> 00:06:36,291 the-e-e-e-e... 178 00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:38,493 Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken. 179 00:06:38,494 --> 00:06:40,219 Unless you think I shouldn't get the chicken. 180 00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:41,154 The chicken's wonderful. 181 00:06:41,155 --> 00:06:42,431 - What's your favorite? - The chicken. 182 00:06:42,432 --> 00:06:43,598 You know, I think you're just saying... 183 00:06:43,599 --> 00:06:45,000 - Dre. - Okay, chicken. 184 00:06:45,001 --> 00:06:46,735 I'm gonna have the short rib, please. 185 00:06:46,736 --> 00:06:49,281 So sorry. Someone just ordered the last one. 186 00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:53,041 Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna have whatever's fastest 187 00:06:53,042 --> 00:06:54,609 - and a bottle of vodka. - Yes, ma'am. 188 00:06:54,610 --> 00:06:55,977 Thank you so much. 189 00:06:55,978 --> 00:06:57,078 Are you happy? 190 00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:57,913 Bottle? 191 00:06:57,914 --> 00:06:59,214 You made me lose the short rib. 192 00:06:59,215 --> 00:07:00,916 But you know what? No. This is what you do. 193 00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:03,285 You ruin things. You are a ruiner. 194 00:07:03,286 --> 00:07:04,219 - Am I? - Mm-hmm. 195 00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,454 Name one thing I've ruined. 196 00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:06,488 How about last Easter 197 00:07:06,489 --> 00:07:08,257 when you planned an Easter egg hunt 198 00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:11,226 in Griffith Park and Jack dug up a human finger? 199 00:07:11,227 --> 00:07:13,629 Uh, public land. Out of my control. 200 00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:16,265 - Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo. - Mm-hmm. 201 00:07:16,266 --> 00:07:18,767 You crashed the jet ski, and I had to get 11 stitches. 202 00:07:18,768 --> 00:07:20,669 Rogue wave... not my fault. 203 00:07:20,670 --> 00:07:24,039 And it was your infected stitches that ruined the trip. 204 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,608 Do you hear yourself? My stitches? 205 00:07:26,609 --> 00:07:28,377 - Yes! - No, Dre. No, no. 206 00:07:28,378 --> 00:07:31,680 You take special moments and you kill them dead. 207 00:07:31,681 --> 00:07:33,882 Oh. I haven't heard one yet. How about this? 208 00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:35,851 The birth of our first child. 209 00:07:35,852 --> 00:07:37,670 _ 210 00:07:37,671 --> 00:07:39,922 [Plane engine roaring] 211 00:07:39,923 --> 00:07:41,390 [Screaming] Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it. 212 00:07:41,391 --> 00:07:42,991 Okay, baby. Okay, baby. You're doing good. 213 00:07:42,992 --> 00:07:44,226 Push. Push. 214 00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:45,594 Oh. 215 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,630 Okay. Uh, oh, boy. 216 00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,031 Uh, okay, baby. 217 00:07:49,032 --> 00:07:52,468 Um... you're pushing the wrong zone. 218 00:07:52,469 --> 00:07:53,770 Uh-huh. Baby, stop pushing. 219 00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:56,038 Uh-huh. Oh, God. Oh, God, you're still pushing. 220 00:07:56,039 --> 00:07:57,607 Whoo. I'm sorry you had to see that. 221 00:07:58,642 --> 00:07:59,909 I'll clean that up for you. 222 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:01,711 All right. [Chuckles] Bow, come on, man. 223 00:08:01,712 --> 00:08:04,547 Is this the father? I mean, he's actually part of your life? 224 00:08:04,548 --> 00:08:06,816 'Cause plenty of women successfully raise children alone. 225 00:08:06,817 --> 00:08:08,184 [Grunts] 226 00:08:08,185 --> 00:08:11,054 Okay. Dredge up the lowest point in my life 227 00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,824 just because you missed out on a short rib. 228 00:08:13,825 --> 00:08:15,692 - We... - Incredibly painful memory, 229 00:08:15,693 --> 00:08:17,494 tainted the first moments of fatherhood. 230 00:08:17,495 --> 00:08:18,562 Okay. 231 00:08:18,596 --> 00:08:21,732 I've got to go freshen up. 232 00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:24,601 I hate Valentine's day. 233 00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:26,536 [Chuckles] 234 00:08:28,484 --> 00:08:31,118 The Valentime's Day war raged on, 235 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,253 and Bow had just Pearl Harbored me, 236 00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:36,324 so I had no choice but to retreat to my situation room. 237 00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:38,259 Fighting with your wife? 238 00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,533 _ 239 00:08:40,762 --> 00:08:42,063 How'd you know? 240 00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:45,933 Kid, I've been working Valentine's day for 40 years. 241 00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:48,969 It's always a bloodbath. Just look around. 242 00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:49,937 ♪ Hold up ♪ 243 00:08:49,938 --> 00:08:51,472 ♪ We dem boyz ♪ 244 00:08:51,473 --> 00:08:53,240 Gentlemen, introduce yourselves 245 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,309 and how your night went off the rails. 246 00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:57,011 Hello. I'm Keith. 247 00:08:57,012 --> 00:08:58,446 - Hi, Keith. - Hi, Keith. 248 00:08:58,447 --> 00:08:59,513 I picked the wrong night 249 00:08:59,514 --> 00:09:01,348 to tell my wife I'm going on a golf trip. 250 00:09:01,349 --> 00:09:02,562 I'm Jonas. 251 00:09:02,564 --> 00:09:04,285 - Hi, Jonas. - Hi, Jonas. 252 00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:05,619 I cheaped out on the Valet 253 00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,588 and made her walk six blocks in Stilettos, 254 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,356 which she's been stabbing my foot with 255 00:09:09,357 --> 00:09:10,758 under the table ever since. 256 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,671 - Mm. - Dr. Dilip Kotwala. 257 00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:14,962 Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's. 258 00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:16,063 - Ooh. - Oh. 259 00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:17,465 So, it's not just me. 260 00:09:17,466 --> 00:09:19,200 No, sir. It's not just you. 261 00:09:19,201 --> 00:09:21,502 And it's not just Valentine's. 262 00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:24,505 Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve. 263 00:09:24,506 --> 00:09:26,507 The bigger the night, the bigger the fight. 264 00:09:26,508 --> 00:09:28,809 Oh, but why does it always have to turn to crap? 265 00:09:28,810 --> 00:09:31,979 Ours is not to reason why. 266 00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:34,949 Ours is but to do and die. 267 00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,385 - Hmm? - Alfred, Lord Tennyson. 268 00:09:37,386 --> 00:09:38,953 And you work in a bathroom? 269 00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,422 Poetry Major. 270 00:09:41,423 --> 00:09:42,657 Gotcha. 271 00:09:42,658 --> 00:09:45,226 So, uh, let's hear your war story. 272 00:09:45,227 --> 00:09:46,427 Well, I'm Dre. 273 00:09:46,428 --> 00:09:48,062 All: Hi, Dre. 274 00:09:48,063 --> 00:09:51,198 But I wasn't the only one with a war council. 275 00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,701 So annoying. You know what I mean? 276 00:09:53,702 --> 00:09:57,238 Who is he? Huh? To judge what I'm wearing? 277 00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:58,445 [Chuckles] 278 00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:00,074 - But you could just rise above. - Mm-hmm. 279 00:10:00,075 --> 00:10:01,709 Say sorry and save your night. 280 00:10:01,710 --> 00:10:03,811 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 281 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,713 How long have you two been married? 282 00:10:05,714 --> 00:10:08,182 - Oh, we just got engaged last week. - Oh, okay. 283 00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:09,784 I liked it, so I put a ring on it. 284 00:10:09,785 --> 00:10:11,552 [Laughter] 285 00:10:11,553 --> 00:10:14,655 Okay, first of all, you need to update your playlist. 286 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:15,957 And why don't you get in touch 287 00:10:15,958 --> 00:10:17,959 once the two of you have actually gotten married? 288 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,406 Beuse then everything is about setting a precedent. 289 00:10:20,429 --> 00:10:23,231 It's not just a fight about him leaving the milk on the counter. 290 00:10:23,232 --> 00:10:25,666 It's a fight about him leaving the milk on the counter 291 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,335 for the rest of your life. 292 00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,569 Do you understand? 293 00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:32,507 Do you like hot counter milk? 294 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,708 Um... no. 295 00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:34,675 No. 296 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,743 Well, he's gonna leave it there. 297 00:10:35,744 --> 00:10:37,778 By the way, 298 00:10:37,779 --> 00:10:39,847 when I said you could try my short rib, 299 00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,281 I kind of meant just a bite. 300 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,317 Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart. 301 00:10:43,318 --> 00:10:46,273 But you know this should've been mine, right? 302 00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,922 Okay, Diane, remember... 303 00:10:47,923 --> 00:10:49,957 Just say the first half of your thought. 304 00:10:49,958 --> 00:10:53,428 Zoey, you have nice hair. 305 00:10:55,264 --> 00:10:56,364 Jack... 306 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,466 You dance well. 307 00:10:59,735 --> 00:11:00,869 Junior... 308 00:11:04,673 --> 00:11:06,274 You're good at computers. 309 00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:09,110 Sure you don't want to say more? 310 00:11:09,111 --> 00:11:11,012 Don't poke the bear. 311 00:11:11,013 --> 00:11:13,014 No. I'm done. 312 00:11:13,015 --> 00:11:15,717 I wrote down the rest of what I wanted to say. 313 00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:25,927 I should not have read this. 314 00:11:28,097 --> 00:11:29,898 Junior, get off. 315 00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:32,267 I-I mean, it's the kind of thing that just throws you, 316 00:11:32,268 --> 00:11:34,203 even if it's a natural part of childbirth. 317 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,673 I guess I did to Valentine's what she did to that poor table. 318 00:11:37,674 --> 00:11:39,841 Yes, but you could still win the night. 319 00:11:39,842 --> 00:11:43,345 All you did was make a foolish inquiry about her romper. 320 00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:44,346 Mm-hmm. 321 00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:46,515 But she came back at you so hard, 322 00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:48,617 she lost the moral high ground. 323 00:11:48,618 --> 00:11:49,718 Okay. 324 00:11:49,719 --> 00:11:52,421 Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim. 325 00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,122 - Precisely. - Wow. 326 00:11:54,123 --> 00:11:56,725 This is crazy. Totally uncharted. 327 00:11:56,726 --> 00:11:58,327 W-what's my play? 328 00:11:58,328 --> 00:12:00,962 Amp up your hurt. Work her guilt. 329 00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:03,398 Don't ease up until you hear the words "I'm sorry." 330 00:12:03,399 --> 00:12:05,033 Trust me, Dre. 331 00:12:05,034 --> 00:12:07,502 No one else in here is having sex tonight, 332 00:12:07,503 --> 00:12:09,337 but if you play it right, 333 00:12:09,338 --> 00:12:11,506 you can have special sex. 334 00:12:11,507 --> 00:12:13,041 Special sex? 335 00:12:13,042 --> 00:12:14,509 Mm. 336 00:12:14,510 --> 00:12:16,144 Special sex. 337 00:12:16,145 --> 00:12:18,580 All: [Chanting] Special sex. 338 00:12:18,581 --> 00:12:21,449 Special sex! Special sex! 339 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:26,421 - Come on! - Special sex! Special sex! Special sex! 340 00:12:27,423 --> 00:12:30,392 There she is in my cross hairs, 341 00:12:30,393 --> 00:12:32,828 no idea I'm about to unleash 342 00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:35,898 an entire S.E.A.L. team of emotional manipulation. 343 00:12:35,899 --> 00:12:39,334 Sad puppy-dog face... go. 344 00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:43,872 Quivering lip... go. 345 00:12:43,873 --> 00:12:47,976 Single teardrop... go, go, go! 346 00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:50,812 This is gonna be so much fun. 347 00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,347 Enjoy it, Dre. 348 00:12:52,348 --> 00:12:54,516 Relish every moment. 349 00:12:54,517 --> 00:12:55,953 Remember, the more she resists, 350 00:12:55,955 --> 00:12:58,821 the higher she hoists herself, and then you... 351 00:12:58,822 --> 00:13:00,923 I'm sorry, Dre. 352 00:13:00,924 --> 00:13:01,976 Excuse me? 353 00:13:02,107 --> 00:13:03,392 I just feel like there's no point 354 00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:07,830 in us continuing to argue, and so I'm rising above. 355 00:13:07,831 --> 00:13:09,599 I'm sorry. 356 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,568 Guess I should accept her apology, 357 00:13:12,569 --> 00:13:14,871 be a hero, and get special sex. 358 00:13:14,872 --> 00:13:19,475 Or I could take it to the next level and be a legend. 359 00:13:19,476 --> 00:13:22,812 Yes, that's what I'll be... a legend. 360 00:13:22,813 --> 00:13:24,880 Well, since you're apologizing for this, 361 00:13:24,881 --> 00:13:28,317 I gather you can scrounge up some more apologies. 362 00:13:29,853 --> 00:13:34,590 And what else exactly would I apologize for? 363 00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:35,925 Ah, well, for starters, 364 00:13:35,926 --> 00:13:38,761 my Shaquille O'neal mug that you plotted against. 365 00:13:38,762 --> 00:13:40,762 _ 366 00:13:41,064 --> 00:13:42,398 - Dre. - Hmm? 367 00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:43,867 That was six years ago. 368 00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:49,939 Six long years without the greatest mug of all time. 369 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:52,275 Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup. 370 00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,243 The man had a large head, Bow. 371 00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:56,546 And you shattered it on purpose! 372 00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:58,080 I did not. 373 00:13:58,081 --> 00:14:01,717 And you can kiss my behind on purpose. 374 00:14:01,718 --> 00:14:02,351 Oh? 375 00:14:04,888 --> 00:14:06,656 Idiot. 376 00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:08,546 [Doorbell rings] Pizza's here! 377 00:14:08,626 --> 00:14:11,561 Go time, Diane. Your first real-world test. 378 00:14:11,562 --> 00:14:13,463 [Exhales deeply] I got this. 379 00:14:21,806 --> 00:14:23,240 Is this a joke? 380 00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:25,141 Oh, my God. What have we done? 381 00:14:25,142 --> 00:14:27,544 I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant. 382 00:14:27,545 --> 00:14:28,912 This is gonna break her. 383 00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:33,116 You were very punctual, 384 00:14:33,117 --> 00:14:36,119 and you have the correct number of limbs for a human. 385 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,487 Thank you. 386 00:14:37,488 --> 00:14:38,688 You're welcome. 387 00:14:42,427 --> 00:14:45,195 You were amazing! That guy was rough. 388 00:14:45,196 --> 00:14:46,363 I almost threw up. 389 00:14:46,364 --> 00:14:48,365 But that wasn't the real me. 390 00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:51,001 I feel so dirty inside. 391 00:14:51,002 --> 00:14:53,103 I need a shower. 392 00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,639 Just like America and Russia, 393 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,757 every couple has their own set of nukes pointed at each other. 394 00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:01,545 Oddly, it keeps the peace. 395 00:15:01,546 --> 00:15:03,914 It's called "Mutually Assured Destruction," 396 00:15:03,915 --> 00:15:06,150 M.A.D. for short, 397 00:15:06,151 --> 00:15:09,319 'cause both sides know it'd be insane to launch. 398 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,078 Three, two, one. 399 00:15:11,189 --> 00:15:12,356 Launch. 400 00:15:12,357 --> 00:15:13,991 I did break your mug on purpose 401 00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:15,292 because I didn't want to see you 402 00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:18,929 sippin' chowder out of Shaquille O'neal's big head 403 00:15:18,930 --> 00:15:20,464 for the rest of my life! 404 00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:21,799 [Explosion] 405 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,235 Your ex-boyfriend's Billy Ocean t-shirt 406 00:15:24,237 --> 00:15:25,484 - that you love so much? - Yeah? 407 00:15:25,571 --> 00:15:27,238 I wash my tires with it! 408 00:15:27,239 --> 00:15:28,906 [Explosion] 409 00:15:28,907 --> 00:15:31,509 That was Gene Hackman at the Roller Rink. 410 00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:34,145 You think everyone is Gene Hackman! 411 00:15:34,146 --> 00:15:36,647 [Explosions] 412 00:15:36,648 --> 00:15:39,183 I know you spiked my drink at the sade concert. 413 00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:40,651 Well, I had to do something 414 00:15:40,652 --> 00:15:43,039 'cause you were acting like a little bi-atch! 415 00:15:43,122 --> 00:15:45,790 Oh! Well, I might've lost a thumb drive 416 00:15:45,791 --> 00:15:47,325 with "footage" of us on it. 417 00:15:47,326 --> 00:15:50,094 It could be nowhere. It could be on the Internet! 418 00:15:50,095 --> 00:15:54,098 Well, I never read your hip-hop "Goodfellas" screenplay. 419 00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:56,000 You said you loved "Hoodfellas." 420 00:15:56,035 --> 00:15:58,470 I lied. 421 00:15:58,471 --> 00:16:01,273 [Explosion] 422 00:16:03,943 --> 00:16:05,515 And here's your check. 423 00:16:05,646 --> 00:16:08,281 I took the Liberty of adding a generous tip. 424 00:16:08,282 --> 00:16:09,882 Oh. That's fair. 425 00:16:14,085 --> 00:16:16,179 Man, this one was epic. 426 00:16:16,181 --> 00:16:18,649 Might take us months to recover. 427 00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:20,650 _ 428 00:16:24,678 --> 00:16:25,845 Jack: Let go of it! 429 00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:27,396 Diane: No, it's mine! Give me it! 430 00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:28,397 I should break your arm. 431 00:16:28,398 --> 00:16:30,166 Zoey: Jack, that is disgusting! 432 00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:31,781 But like all warring superpowers, 433 00:16:31,802 --> 00:16:33,936 nothing brings you back to the U.N. 434 00:16:33,937 --> 00:16:37,340 Like small annoying countries acting like complete jackholes. 435 00:16:37,341 --> 00:16:39,531 Both: What the hell is going on?! 436 00:16:39,577 --> 00:16:41,144 Jack licked the leftover pizza. 437 00:16:41,145 --> 00:16:42,745 They ate the rest without me. 438 00:16:42,746 --> 00:16:44,581 All right, look, everybody, shut up or there's gonna be 439 00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,182 a Valentime's Day massacre up in here. 440 00:16:46,183 --> 00:16:48,518 Diane: My babies. What the hell did you guys do to Diane? 441 00:16:48,519 --> 00:16:50,920 You have pretty eyes. 442 00:16:50,921 --> 00:16:52,555 You have fluffy fur. 443 00:16:52,556 --> 00:16:54,857 And you light up my life. 444 00:16:54,858 --> 00:16:56,392 We taught her how to be nice. 445 00:16:56,393 --> 00:16:58,961 You broke my baby girl. Fix her. 446 00:16:58,962 --> 00:17:00,530 - But it's really... - Now! 447 00:17:00,531 --> 00:17:01,731 Okay. Come on. 448 00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:06,062 Oh, God. Valentine's day sucks. 449 00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:09,572 Dre, I'm so tired, and I want to go to bed, 450 00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:11,507 but I can't go to bed when I'm this mad at you. 451 00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:12,976 I won't be able to sleep, either, 452 00:17:12,977 --> 00:17:14,344 because you're gonna be doing 453 00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,279 that angry toss-and-turn pillow-punch thing. 454 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,580 You know what the worst part is? 455 00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:19,015 - What? - I was gonna change. 456 00:17:19,116 --> 00:17:21,050 I was gonna change! 457 00:17:21,051 --> 00:17:23,853 I didn't even want to wear this until you said something. 458 00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,522 - I don't even know why I said it. - Me neither. 459 00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:28,324 The romper gives you an amazing bubble butt. 460 00:17:28,325 --> 00:17:31,628 Baby, it's so round. So sexy. 461 00:17:32,963 --> 00:17:33,963 Thank you. 462 00:17:33,964 --> 00:17:35,565 You're welcome. 463 00:17:35,566 --> 00:17:36,195 Why? 464 00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:38,035 Why do we keep going? 465 00:17:38,036 --> 00:17:40,437 With so many chances to stop this pointless fight. 466 00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:42,673 We should've done everything different tonight. 467 00:17:42,674 --> 00:17:44,841 - Ah. - Hey. 468 00:17:44,842 --> 00:17:46,543 Hey, babe, do you think I should change? 469 00:17:46,544 --> 00:17:48,044 Hells, no! 470 00:17:48,045 --> 00:17:50,796 That romper is the bomb diggity. 471 00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,249 [Chuckles] 472 00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,418 GPS voice: Drive 300 feet to Fabiano's Cucina. 473 00:17:54,419 --> 00:17:57,287 Aww, Dre, my favorite. 474 00:17:57,288 --> 00:17:58,555 Hi, is that an... 475 00:17:58,556 --> 00:18:01,792 Save it, lady. I'm here to eat with my husband. 476 00:18:01,793 --> 00:18:03,260 Any questions about the menu? 477 00:18:03,261 --> 00:18:04,828 Nope. Chicken. 478 00:18:04,829 --> 00:18:06,263 Yeah! [Both chuckle] 479 00:18:06,264 --> 00:18:07,679 Happy Valentime's Day. 480 00:18:07,732 --> 00:18:10,134 Oh, I love it when you say Valentime's. 481 00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:11,635 I know you do. 482 00:18:12,737 --> 00:18:14,138 That would've been better. 483 00:18:14,139 --> 00:18:16,807 So much better. 484 00:18:16,808 --> 00:18:18,609 [Sighs] 485 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:20,978 Then again... and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, all right... 486 00:18:20,979 --> 00:18:23,347 But it was kind of nice to go a couple of rounds. 487 00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:25,683 It helps us get stuff off our chests. 488 00:18:25,684 --> 00:18:27,251 You know, honestly... 489 00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:28,852 - Hmm? - I can't argue with that. 490 00:18:28,853 --> 00:18:31,922 I mean, I just feel like if you hold stuff in for too long, 491 00:18:31,924 --> 00:18:34,171 eventually, it's gonna blow up at the wrong time. 492 00:18:34,260 --> 00:18:36,328 Ooh, ooh, baby, guess who I think I saw 493 00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:37,861 at the restaurant tonight? 494 00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:39,163 Gene Hackman. 495 00:18:39,164 --> 00:18:40,531 [Chuckles] 496 00:18:40,532 --> 00:18:41,498 What? Oh. Oh. 497 00:18:41,499 --> 00:18:42,933 You like it rough today, huh? 498 00:18:42,934 --> 00:18:44,068 Happy Valenti... 499 00:18:44,069 --> 00:18:45,757 [Muffled shouting] 500 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:47,805 Wow. Ugly. 501 00:18:47,806 --> 00:18:49,173 Yes. 502 00:18:49,174 --> 00:18:50,975 I love you. 503 00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:52,610 I don't want to kill you. 504 00:18:52,611 --> 00:18:55,112 You know we could go the other way, too. 505 00:18:55,113 --> 00:18:56,647 Mm. 506 00:18:56,648 --> 00:18:57,748 - Oh, babe. - What? 507 00:18:57,749 --> 00:18:59,784 Have you seen my Billy Ocean t-shirt? 508 00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:01,485 What?! That's it! 509 00:19:01,486 --> 00:19:05,022 Feel free to remarry, and find the kids a good dad. 510 00:19:05,023 --> 00:19:06,057 Aah! 511 00:19:06,058 --> 00:19:07,224 [Thud] 512 00:19:07,225 --> 00:19:09,875 Are we a bad couple for going at it like that? 513 00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:11,596 - I mean, we went ballistic. - Face it, babe. 514 00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:13,631 We're both strong-ass cups of tea 515 00:19:13,632 --> 00:19:15,466 who do not like to back down. 516 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,235 - No, we do not. - Mnh-mnh. 517 00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:21,000 Which is why the good people at Hallmark invented Valentime's Day. 518 00:19:21,174 --> 00:19:22,741 - Ah. Huh. - Babe. 519 00:19:22,742 --> 00:19:24,643 It's our fight night. 520 00:19:24,644 --> 00:19:26,444 It really is. 521 00:19:26,445 --> 00:19:28,146 ♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪ 522 00:19:28,147 --> 00:19:30,218 It's also when we do our best making up. 523 00:19:30,416 --> 00:19:31,316 Mm-hmm. 524 00:19:31,317 --> 00:19:32,517 _ 525 00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:36,221 ♪ Oh, baby, now let's get down tonight ♪ 526 00:19:36,222 --> 00:19:37,960 ♪ when I get that feeling ♪ Seriously, though... hmm? 527 00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:39,490 - ♪ I want sexual healing ♪ - You're gonna read "Hoodfellas." 528 00:19:39,491 --> 00:19:41,792 - I really don't want to. - It's okay. I'll read it to you. 529 00:19:41,809 --> 00:19:44,218 - ♪ Sexual healing ♪ - No. 530 00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,828 "These days, it's all different. "The action's gone. 531 00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:49,562 "Can't even get good grub. 532 00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:53,218 "Last week, I tried to order chicken and waffles and got tofu and quinoa. 533 00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:57,617 "I'm an average homeboy. "Get to live the rest of my life 534 00:19:57,618 --> 00:19:59,618 "like a schnookity-schnook." 535 00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:01,619 What do you think? 536 00:20:03,776 --> 00:20:05,776 Goodbye. 537 00:20:05,777 --> 00:20:07,777 - Aah! - Bow, no! 538 00:20:07,778 --> 00:20:09,242 I loved it. 539 00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:10,703 Really? 540 00:20:10,704 --> 00:20:12,704 Want to read "Hood Will Hunting"? 541 00:20:12,705 --> 00:20:14,705 No. 542 00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,596 - I want to digest this. - Oh.