Marriage in all its forms is one of the oldest human traditions.
Two people coming together form one,
or in my case, six...
My perfect, chocolate, Norman Rockwell family.
Now my baby sister's getting married.
And although it may be nontraditional,
it did lead me to wonder about one particular tradition.
Hey.
Who do you think is gonna take whose last name
when Rhonda and Sharon get married?
Why do you think anyone's gonna take anyone's name?
I didn't take yours.
What do you mean you didn't take my name?
What do you mean what do I mean? I kept my maiden name, Dre,
which should sound familiar to you because we born
with the same last name.
Yep. That's right.
I married a woman with the same last name,
like if Vivica A. married Michael J.
Or if Daisy married Howard The.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, you're saying after all this time,
for 17 years of marriage, I thought
you were Rainbow Johnson, but in reality,
all along, you're Rainbow Johnson?
You've made a fool of me.
Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
Listen, listen, listen!
Now, I know lesbians like Saltines.
But how do they feel about a Triscuit?
- Mama, what are you doing? - What?
I'm just trying to make the lesbians feel
more comfortable when they get here.
Maybe crackers are all wrong.
Maybe they're more tuna-on-toast people.
Mama, we're in the middle of something right now.
Yeah, well, I'm just...
you know, the lesbians are coming.
Ohh...
- So, Bow, let me get this clear. - Mm-hmm.
- If my last name was Smith... - Mm-hmm.
- Or Jackson o... - Mm-hmm.
- Or Ndegeocello... - Ooh.
You would still be Rainbow Johnson?
Yes, Dre.
I never once considered giving up my last name.
- I'm a feminist, remember? - So am I.
I'm voting for Hillary...
maybe.
Mm-hmm. Dre, come on. I'm serious.
I was born Rainbow Johnson. It's who I am.
We talked about this on our wedding night.
I thought you were kidding.
Why would you think I was kidding?
I didn't know your name was so important to you.
Didn't you change it the minute you got to college?
Peace God.
I go by the title Yusef Supreme Justice Allah.
And I want to first say that the Black man is
the true Asiatic Nubian.
I speak to the masses of those who are deaf, dumb,
and blind to knowledge of self and wisdom.
- College was a very confusing time for me. - Oh, yeah. Okay.
But this is a big deal.
Had I known you weren't gonna take my name...
that could've been a deal-breaker.
Well, you insisting I take your name could have been
a deal-breaker for me.
Then maybe we have a broken deal.
Well, maybe we do.
And maybe I should go set up an OkCupid profile.
- Ah... - I'm gonna go do that.
You do that.
'Cause you're stuck in your ways with four kids.
Nobody wants you!
She just sprung this on me and acts as if I'm crazy.
153% of women take their husband's last name.
Does not sound accurate.
You don't sound accurate!
Whoa. Nice one, Dre.
- Thank you. - Whatever.
First of all, you and Bow have the same name,
- so this is idiotic. - Mm-hmm.
And times are changing, Dre.
When I get married, I'm keeping my name.
No one is ever going to marry you.
Wow.
Mm! Mm, table's on fire! Light that ass up.
Come on.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but, uh, I actually agree with you, Dre.
I took my ex-husband's last name...
And, in the divorce, his pride, his pizza stone,
his dead mother's ashes, all his dress shoes.
- What size you wear? - 13.
Okay, look, when I get married...
No one is gonna marry you, either.
What is with these two?
- Okay, if I get married... - Come on.
I would specifically request
that my wife not take my name.
Not everyone's good enough to be an Oppenhol.
I-I'm sorry. Did you just say "open hole?"
No. Oppenhol.
That's what I said.
No, "open hole" sounds gross.
It's Oppenhol.
Oppenhols help found this country.
There were Oppenhols on the Mayflower.
In fact, being an Oppenhol is so coveted
that for the longest time,
only Oppenhols were good enough for us.
- Hm. - Oh.
So, you're saying you're inbred?
Uh I'm saying I can't taste sugar.
And don't get me bleeding.
Cannot clot.
Uh, well, Bossman, I hope you didn't tell your boys
that your wife kept her name,
because I'm paid to pretend to respect you.
They may not take it so easy
because everyone takes the man's name.
Exactly!
Kim Kardashian became Kim Kardashian West.
Amber Rose became Amber Rose Khalifa.
Beyoncé? Beyoncé Z.
- No. No. No. - Not really.
I mean, I've never even met my daddy,
and I'm still Curtis Miller, Jr.
I actually agree with the bastard Miller.
I think this is starting to make you look like
less of a man, Dre.
Mm, Rainbow didn't take your name,
but she sure did take your balls.
- Ooh! - Oh!
Oh, wow.
This is not a locker room.
All right.
- Come on, Lucy. - Okay.
What's wrong with you?
My God. What are you wearing?
I heard gay weddings go big,
so I'm taking some fashion risks to stand out.
There's nothing worse than getting lost in a crowd.
Except looking like an idiot.
I wouldn't expect you to understand
in those 2012 saddle shoes.
It had to be said.
I plan on making a splash, too.
I'm not saying I'm the greatest ring bearer of all time,
but I'm also not not saying it, either.
- I'll say it. You're spectacular. - Thank you.
And your flower girl's pretty much become industry standard.
Well, we all have our gifts.
Should we give them a little taste?
Terrible. Just terrible.
Yeah, there was no tension, no drama.
Not once did I believe that you were gonna drop the ring
- or pick your nose. - Not once.
I can pick my nose.
Yeah, we know, Jack.
It's not cute anymore.
- Ohh. - Just face it, guys.
You've aged out of the game.
Nice try.
We're getting that gig.
I mean, really, who else are they gonna give it to?
- You two leathery, old hags? - Mm.
- Ooh! The homosexuals are here. - I just...
Grandma, Grandma, Grandma.
Before you answer the door,
let's pump our breaks for a second.
The last time you saw Sharon and Rhonda,
you weren't quite ready to accept their relationship.
- Not gay. No, no, baby. No! - Mama! Mama!
Oh, I've grown a lot since then.
Are you sure?
Because you just said, "The homosexuals are here."
Well, that's what they are. And they're here.
- Come on. Come on. - No.
Baby!
- Mama. Hi. - Ohh!
Mwah.
- Hello. How are you? - Well, hello! - Oh!
- Good to see you. - Hey, what's up?
Uh-huh.
Now, listen. Listen.
Now, I'm not gonna ask which one of you drove
or if it was in a mid-sized, sport-utility vehicle
because it doesn't matter.
- Auntie Rhonda! - Sharon!
Jack, Diane! Oh, my goodness.
Look how much you guys have grown!
No, we haven't!
Oh, my God. The ride is over.
What in the world is that?
Well, looks like my folks are here.
- Duckworths in the house! - Hey, hey!
Ah, Mama D!
Wait a minute.
Did she just call another woman "Mama?"
Oh, my God!
Bow! Give in to that.
- Oh, good to see you! - Bow.
- These are my parents... - Hey.
Frank and Donna Duckworth.
Aah! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Hey!
- It's so good to meet you. - So nice to meet you.
Oh, thanks for having us.
Oh, you guys. How was the drive? How was the drive?
No bad, you know, until an innocent game
of "Truth or Dare" got a little too truthful.
Mm-hmm. It was one time in college.
- Oh, uhh, I know that whole thing. - The Duckworths love to play games,
especially Mama D.
Oh, my gosh. She did it again.
Rhonda.
- Hey. - Come here.
- I've done it. - Please, have you met my husband yet?
Listen, I don't like you calling another woman "Mama."
Why? It's nice.
Hey, you might be closer to Sharon
if you stopped insisting she call you "Deaconess."
But that's what I am... a Deaconess.
Nice talk, Mom.
Bow, I was talking to people at work.
And you know what?
You took my balls. Now you must take my name.
- Oh, my God. Dre, are you serious? - Yes.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to go down to the Social Security office
and be like, "Hey, I'd like to change my name
from Rainbow Johnson to Rainbow Johnson"?
They open at 9:00.
No.
Okay, well, I-I'm not 100% certain that they open
at that time, but I'm pretty sure it's before 10:00.
- I don't even see why this is an issue. - Exactly.
Yeah, I just want you to do what 179% of women do
when they get married. Take my name.
You didn't take my baby's name?
- No. - No, I didn't, Ruby.
And it has nothing to do with Dre
and everything to do with my beliefs about feminism.
Oh, so, I see.
You done turned into one of these hairy-legged man-haters.
Mom, for the last time,
lesbians don't hate men or love tuna.
No, baby, I'm talking about feminists now.
Oh, well, they really do hate men.
I don't know how they feel about tuna.
Feminists do not hate men. We actually love tuna.
- Mm. - We simply believe
that women and men are equal.
And I will fight up against any custom or tradition
that reinforces that we're not.
Women like Alice Paul, Betty Friedan,
Gloria Steinem, these are the women
that paved the way for me to be the doctor
that I am today.
I say that a lot don't I?
- Yes, you do. - Okay.
The point is everyone should be a feminist.
Rainbow, ain't nobody got time for that!
I couldn't' afford to burn my bra.
I only had the one!
What I think Mama's trying to say is
that Black feminists and White feminists had
- a little bit of a different path. - Mm-hmm.
It wasn't as simple for Black feminists
because they had to choose between civil rights
and feminism.
- And I chose civil rights! - Mm.
Yeah.
I didn't march or anything.
But ain't nobody got time for that either...
Except privileged White girls.
It wasn't just White girls, Ma.
And even if it had been, we need to thank them
for getting that ball rolling down the field.
I-I'm not trying to move the ball
in the wrong direction, Bow.
I just believe that a family should all have the same name.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
Especially a Black family.
See, back in my day, a single Black woman had
a better chance of being eaten by a shark on Tuesday
than to become someone's missus.
Being married and taking my husband's name was a trophy!
It meant I was I was chosen.
Hell, you think I kept Earl's name to honor that idiot?
I kept it to honor me.
- What? - See?
See?
Taking my name doesn't mean you love or respect me.
It just means that we are one family with one name.
Your name. What about my name?
Dre, my name is just as important.
And I don't understand how an educated, career-minded,
self-respecting woman would change her name.
So, I can't be an educated, career-minded,
self-respecting woman if I take my husband's name?
Shaming other women doesn't sound very feminist, Mom.
- Mnh-mnh. - It doesn't.
- That is not what I meant. - Oh.
Feminism is about women having choices.
And obviously, there is a right choice.
Yes... taking your husband's name.
Wait.
So, when we get married,
you don't want us to be Johnsons anymore?
So, you're trusting Jack and Junior to carry on your lineage?
That feels right to you?
Diane nailed it.
That did not feel right to me.
But luckily, there was still a move I could make.
Hmm...
Okay, how we gonna make this wedding about us?
Can it involve my food allergy?
Because I've been itching to try out this new EpiPen.
No. And is this a joke to you?
No.
But what are we gonna do?
Are we just going to be guests?
Or worse...
Ushers?
No.
I refuse to be a nobody
like some random cousin or Junior.
Together, we'll figure out a way to make this wedding about us.
"Together" like you and me,
or the "together" where you do all the work?
The one where I do all the work.
I think that's best for all involved.
Hey, pals.
Peep my new wedding suit.
- You look stupid. - Sorry.
Aww, that's sweet of you Donna,
but I'm used to it.
No, no. We're playing "Sorry!"
Ohh. Not to toot my own horn...
toot-toot... but I'm really good at games.
Because he has no friends.
I once saw him play an entire game
of Movie Quiz by himself.
Robin Williams. Jungle in the house.
Your favorite movie. Uh...
Ah, "Jumanji."
I was right there.
I eventually won.
Hey, listen, listen.
I've been thinking.
And we're about to be family.
Mm.
And I feel like "Deaconess" is so impersonal.
So how about you just call me...
Ruby...
Johnson...
Mrs. Ruby Johnson.
Uh...
Mrs. Johnson.
Okay, Mrs. Johnson.
Now isn't that better?
Okay, so...
Martina Navratilova.
What about her?
Billie Jean King.
Are you just naming lesbians?
Oh, are those lesbians? I had no idea.
Ellen Degeneres.
- Hey, Grandma. - Huh?
Can we go do something other than this?
Oh, yeah. All right.
I'll be right back. Be right back.
All right, everybody. Dinner's served!
All right. Hold on. Hold on.
Before we dig in, can we have your attention please?
Rhonda has come up with a great way
to celebrate her and Sharon's union...
All her idea.
- Mm. - Had nothing to do with me.
Rhonda, take it away.
Baby, you know you're the love of my life,
and I cannot wait to marry you.
So will you please do me the honor
of taking my last name and becoming a Johnson?
Yes.
- Yes? Yes? - Yes!
- Wow.
So easy.
What kind of monster did I marry?
I can't believe this.
So, wait. Uh, you're giving up Duckworth?
You can't do that.
No, how we gonna play "Duck, Duck, Worth"
- if you're not a Duckworth? - Yeah, yeah.
H-Hold on. Hold on.
You have been sharing Duckworth your entire life.
A-Are you... are you sure that you just want
to just give up your identity like that?
What are you doing, Bow?
Oh, it's just that Duckworth is such a strong
and distinctive, distinctive name.
- So is Johnson. - Mm.
- All right, we've had two presidents. - Mm-hmm.
We have Earvin "Magic."
- We have Dwayne "The Rock." - Mm-hmm.
- But there is a lot wrong with Johnson. - What?
You can never name a kid Peter or Willie.
Or Harry or Hugh.
It's a really long list.
- It's a long list. Now, Sharon... - Mm.
Are you really sure
that this is what you want?
I don't know. I mean, it seemed really sweet.
Now I'm not sure.
Okay, now, hold up now.
15 seconds ago, you said you were down
with being a Johnson, and now you're not so sure?
Better you find out now
- than 17 years from now. - What?
Uh-huh.
Everybody, my wife cuckolded me.
- That's not even what that means, Dre. - But it's what you did.
- No, no, I didn't. No! - Yes.
You didn't take my name so we don't have the same last name!
I have the same name! Started with the same name!
I'm sorry, but you just put me on the spot.
Y-You know what, Sharon? Take it from me...
it's very important that the entire family have
- the same last name. - It's not, though.
Well, then maybe, you know, Rhonda should become a Duckworth.
Ooh, shots fired.
Well, the way I see it,
there's only one way to settle this.
All right.
Duckworths versus the Johnsons.
Winner gets the name.
Here are the rules. Single elimination.
- That's all you need to know. - Let's get it on!
He's a child!
I thought you said you were great at his.
I've never played against another person before.
Told you... no friends.
Come on!
I'm gonna beat the black off of you.
- Can you really do that? - Oh, no, sweetheart.
Ohh!
- It's okay, Mama. - Stop it.
- All right, Rhonda. I got this. - Okay.
Going over the top.
The anterior Malaysian sub-grip...
the Grip of Kings.
Yeah, I really don't care. I just want you to win.
Aah! Ow!
Ohh!
- Okay, time out. Time out. - Time... time out?
- Yes. - You just hurt your wrist
playing ping-pong?
It's the risk of the sub-grip.
- Do we have a forfeit? - No!
- Just got to wrap this up. - He got it.
I can play on this.
I can't play on this. Ow!
Shoot me up... steroids, cortisone, any... Aah!
Cut me, Bow. Just cut me.
- Cut you? - Yes.
Dre, this is a bruise at best and a boo-boo at worst.
- Open your hand. - I... Ow, ow!
Ohh!
What is this? Huh?
This feels like a hate-taping.
Oh, God. Fine. You know what, Dre?
You're the man. Do it yourself.
I will do it myself.
You don't have my name. You don't have my back...
Classic Rainbow Johnson.
Yep. Yep. Okay. What are you...
Put this here. Keep my grip.
Come on, now.
Ready for this? Five serving six.
Ow! Ohh! Aah!
This must be what childbirth feels like!
Okay, this is ridiculous.
Aah!
Look what we're doing, everybody.
This is stupid.
No, no, no, no! No, I'm cool.
Sharon, listen. I don't care what name we have.
You know, for years, we couldn't get married.
But now we can.
And the only name that I insist on calling you is "wife."
That's a name I'm happy to take.
Yeah.
That is so beautiful.
If you guys had kissed,
I would have only barely turned away.
Thanks, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, no more Mrs. Johnson.
You call me Goodmama RuRu.
Yes.
Welcome to the family, baby.
Oh, you two are gonna make beautiful brides.
Can't wait for the wedding.
- You know what? - Daddy...
Mm, I think we are familied out.
- Elope? - What?
- Good idea, babe. - Yep.
So, no wedding?
I was gonna go big.
Uh, bigger than this? Really?
Wait, if there's no wedding,
where will we do our choreographed dance number?
Hit it.
Pathetic.
♪ Let's get it crunk ♪
♪ We gonna have fun up on in this dancery ♪
♪ We got ya open ♪
- ♪ Now ya floatin' ♪ - Ohh, yeah.
♪ So you gots to dance for me ♪
They learned that.
- Oh, my God, they... - Look at that...
Pure desperation.
♪ While you're waiting, so just dance for me ♪
Look, I just want to say that I'm sorry
for getting so worked up over this.
You should be.
When we met,
I was a scrub.
Yes, I know.
- I'm serious. - Yes, I'm serious, too.
And as a Black man,
the odds are already stacked against me.
So, for a woman like you to take my name
when I wasn't anything...
it would've shown that you really believed in me.
And I don't need a name change to know
that you really believe in me anymore.
I fell in love with Rainbow Johnson.
Why wouldn't I want to be married to Rainbow Johnson?
Aww, Dre.
Sweetheart...
I love that you feel like you can conceded
something really meaningful to me.
Honestly, I don't know
if I need to be Rainbow Johnson anymore.
And if you need me to be Rainbow Johnson,
I will be Rainbow Johnson.
- How about this? - Mm-hmm?
We just stay the Johnsons?
- Okay, it'll take some getting used to... - Okay.
But I will give it a shot.
- Me, too. - I'm just... you, too?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
- Oh, my God. - Come on. Mwah.
- Ow! Ow! - Oh, come on, Dre.
- Really! - Yeah.
It feels like a baby is coming out of my wrist.
You know what? That makes sense, Dre.
Because people always say bruises,
- ping-pong wounds, and birth... - Yeah, stop. Stop, stop. Look, look...
- so similar, so similar. - Okay, look at the babies.
- Look at the babies dance. - Look at the babies.
There you go. There you go!
Good job!
- Yeah, guys! - God, I love these kids.
Aye, Donkey!
"Shrek!"
Okay. O-Okay, um...
Bill Paxton... no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, Bill Pullman is the president and...
and... and aliens, aliens...
"Independence Day!"
- _ - You haven't seen this. Pass!
_
Okay, He's a wolf on Wall Street.
Yeah, he's taking people's money.
Oh...
Oh, "Wolf of Wall Street."
Should've said "Jonah Hill."
Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -